Home is Where Your Curse is

by SFaccountant

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Trixie, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 177700

Ranma Saotome has been brought to the fanciful land of Equestria, and finds himself surrounded by its majesty and wonder. He is not happy about this. Equestria isn't very happy about it, either.

A dragon prince, awakened...
A Princess, in love...
A plot to overthrow the Equestrian diarchy and break the very foundations of equine society...
And an embittered Sorcerer willing to go to any lengths to realize his vision for the future...

Ranma Saotome doesn't care about ANY of that. He's on the wrong world, in the wrong body, and fate seems as determined as ever to drive the world's mightiest martial artist to an early grave. As schemes come unraveled and dark magic tears Equestria apart, all he really wants is to figure out what happened to Japan and keep himself fed.
But, alas, he always seems to be in the wrong place at the right time...

(Ranma 0.5/MLP crossover; not an Age of Iron Story)
(Cover art by EZTP)

Published 2015-08-11 03:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-23 23:50:28 UTC

Prologue

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Prologue

We start our tale in a crude, backward little place. A region of turmoil and chaos in a nation of technological wonders and disciplined, orderly society.

Nerima, Japan. A little ugly splotch of a suburb in an otherwise lovely nation. Riven with curses, monsters, lunatics, and curses that turned lunatics into monsters. It was a place of wondrous magic and eccentric warriors, and its residents fiercely despised both. Indeed, Nerima was no paradise, and the only thing it was known for besides regular incursions of destructive magic and magic-fueled antagonists was martial artists; those individuals who looked to the havoc that surrounded their daily lives and decided, with the stubborn sort of contempt that has led to the downfall of countless lesser species, that they were going to hammer out a place for themselves with their bare fists.

Yes, Nerima had fighters. Far more than were necessary, or even strictly a good idea. But our story pertains to one of these backwards warriors in particular: one who could claim - and often did - to be the greatest martial artist of them all. A rather unlucky fellow by the name of Ranma Saotome who - as the tale begins - was stooped over on top of a roof overlooking a darkened, broken-down church.

There was also some gloomy-looking kid with him. Something Gosunkugi. Nobody really paid much attention to him.

Bit of a problem, honestly.

"Really? This is the place?" Ranma asked as he crouched at the edge of an awning. His hands were stuffed in his pockets even as he teetered back and forth on his perch, showing even less respect for gravity than he did the ruined chapel. "Doesn't look like much."

Standing below him on the sidewalk - where most people would have been waiting whether or not they were scoping out some kind of sketchy, hidden den of evil - was another teenage boy shuddering in the late evening chill. At a glance, he seemed to be just about the polar opposite of the other teenager: where Ranma was lithely muscular, full of obvious vitality, and naturally drew attention, the other boy was thin, scrawny, and seemed like the type to physically turn invisible if he were to sit in a dark corner somewhere.

Ranma scratched the back of his head as he fought off a yawn. "So you said this is where this 'Doomsday Cult' is hiding out? They chose a heck of a spot. I'd think a bunch of religious nuts would be a little paranoid trying to end the world from God's backyard." His abundant, jet-black hair was braided into a pigtail at the base of his skull, and he gave it an idle tug before flicking it over one shoulder.

The other boy squirmed uncomfortably, obviously far more nervous. "I d-don't know any of the particulars... but I'm sure this is where they were hiding out..."

Ranma looked down at the boy twiddling his fingers, and then turned his head over to the horizon, where the sun was just vanishing over the horizon. "Well, it's almost dusk, and I can't think of a better time to bust up a bunch of spooky cultists. Head on in there, Gosunkugi."

Hikaru Gosunkugi visibly winced. "Uh... d-don't you want to go in first?"

Ranma hopped down from the awning, landing lightly on one leg from the fifteen-foot drop. "Well, you said that you actually used to belong to this cult, right?"

The other teenager winced again. "I went through a... phase, yes."

"Sure. Whatever. Point is, if you go in there, they're probably not going to come at you with knives or black magic or whatever these nutcases use. I can sneak in through one of the windows. Just stall them for a minute while I get a good look in there."

Ranma started heading across the street toward the over-grown courtyard, and Hikaru chewed his lip anxiously as he followed. "That's, uhm... unusually cautious for you," the gangly schoolboy mumbled.

"Yeah, well, you said these kooks are trying to destroy the world," Ranma shrugged, "not that I really believe you, but the way I see it there's no point in taking chances. If they've really got some doomsday magic whatsit stashed in their basement, I can break it while everyone's occupied." Ranma started walking around the church, leaving his companion behind.

Hikaru swallowed nervously and crept up to the front door, wringing his hands the entire time.

"Geez, I really hope he's wrong about this," Ranma grumbled under his breath as he walked briskly through the unkempt lawn that surrounded the church property, "I don't mind putting down monsters or evil princes or whatever, but actual end-of-the-world stuff is kind of out of my pay grade."

Ranma was being facetious, of course; nobody paid him anything. They just showed up on his doorstep and begged for his help to fix all their problems. Regardless of what their problem was, who was responsible, or even whether he was a mortal enemy of whoever was bothering him. Hikaru Gosunkugi had never qualified as a "mortal" foe by any stretch, or even the sort of foe to be taken seriously, but the scrawny occult otaku was certainly no friend of his. He didn't really give a second thought to accepting the mission, though. What was he supposed to say? "Nope, sorry, can't save the world tonight, I've got homework"?

"That looks good," the pigtailed boy mused, spotting a wide-open, broken window with no light coming from the other side.

With his hands in his pockets and a vaguely disinterested expression on his face, Ranma certainly didn't look like he was putting a great deal of effort into sneaking. Yet he moved through the tall, dry grass soundlessly, and each stalk he brushed by was shifted out of the way as if by a cool breeze. He made it to the window without incident, and paused to listen for any noise within the building.

Ranma heard a heavy door creaking closed; probably the front entrance. That meant Hikaru was in. He took a moment to admire the fact that one of his plans had actually survived the very first step rather than falling apart instantly and forcing him to think up a new one on the fly. He really figured he would have to abandon his own part of the mission and go rescue his gloomy classmate.

The martial artist wasted no more time and jumped into the church, entering a darkened hallway caked in dust. He couldn't see much with nothing but the moonlight to illuminate the hall, but he could tell easily enough that there was nobody waiting for him or standing guard. To the right was the main chapel, where Gosunkugi was presumably distracting the would-be world-enders, and on the other side of that entrance was a door leading further into the building.

Ranma moved toward the latter entrance, his footsteps utterly silent despite the cracked and poorly maintained flooring. The Musabetsu Kakutou Saotome Ryuu was a school of martial arts that paid deep homage to the art of the thief, and though that wasn't exactly something that Ranma was proud of, it offered far more than mere combat skills as a result. Floorboards that would have creaked under the paws of a creeping feline were undisturbed by his passing, and even the dust barely stirred in his wake.

The door deeper into the chapel was, unfortunately, a more formidable obstacle. Ranma briefly checked that it wasn't locked before gently turning the knob, but there was no helping the awful state of the door's hinges. A tortured squeal came from the sliding of rusted metal, and though it was hardly very loud, it definitely broke his quiet streak.

Checking behind him quickly, Ranma slipped through the entrance and into the next room.

Ranma's hand slipped along the wall, eventually finding its way to a light switch. Feeling grateful that this band of lunatics had the decency to live in a set of ruins hooked into a modern electric grid, he squinted his eyes and switched the lights on.

"... Okay, yeah. I think Gos was on the mark, here," Ranma mumbled. The interior of this room, whatever it was originally built for, now resembled every Catholic preacher's imaginary vision of a Satan-worshiper's living room. Astronomy charts covered one wall, drawn over in marker with geometric shapes and obscure calculations. On the opposite side was an assortment of bizarre and impractical-looking blades, along with books sporting dubious symbols and arcane writing that looked like it belonged in a video game. To complete the setting was an altar sitting in the middle of the room with upturned nails glued to the edges for a distinctively spiky and generically evil look. Altogether the furnishings definitely gave the impression of a band of dangerous and unhinged religious fanatics, even if some of it had a rather "do-it-yourself" feel.

"Oh-kay. So. End of the world stuff. Whatta we got." Ranma mumbled to himself as he started looking about the room, searching for anything exceptionally sketchy or dangerous-looking. Although there were plenty of objects that looked suspicious or potentially harmful, Gosunkugi had emphasized that this cult intended to destroy the entire WORLD. Something like that was bound to stand out; he really couldn't see anybody bringing about the doom of the planet with a wavy-bladed dagger and bleached skull.

He was in the middle of closely observing the altar when the door suddenly swung open, startling him with the loud creak of its wasted hinges. Jumping around at the noise, Ranma was completely unsurprised to see a procession of robed figures stepping into the room one by one, glaring out at him from beneath jet-black hoods.

He was slightly surprised, however, to see Hikaru Gosunkugi follow them inside, grinning like a madman.

"I can't believe it," the scrawny teenager giggled as the cultists lined up side-by-side in front of him, "I really can't believe you fell for this! It was so EASY, too! 'Oh, hey Ranma, could you help save the world tonight? There's a scary evil cult and they're going to destroy everything! Please go beat them up!' HA!"

Ranma didn't say anything right away, scratching at his neck beneath his pigtail as his brow furrowed. "So... there IS no evil cult?"

"Of course there's an evil cult!" Hikaru scoffed. "What does this look like to you?"

"Although we prefer to be called 'alternative spiritualists'," mentioned one of the robed figures, pointing a finger in the air.

Ranma tilted his head to the side, frowning. "Uh huh... and the destroying the world thing?"

"Oh, yeah, we're into that, too," volunteered another cultist amiably, giving the martial artist a thumbs-up.

"So, if all that's true..." Ranma crossed his arms over his chest. "What did I 'fall for', exactly?"

"The notion that I was some ex-member that had lost his nerve, of course!" Hikaru cackled. Then he started coughing as his maniacal glee overcame his pitiful lung capacity. Ranma released a mildly frustrated sigh, patiently waiting for his classmate to recover and explain the rest of his plot.

"S-Sorry about that," Hikaru said as he wheezed. The other cultists looked away, slightly embarrassed. "This is a bit of a rush, you know? Anyway, I'm not some castout of the Order of the Broken Sun, I'm it's leader!" The way he thrust his chest out and jabbed a thumb into his chest made it clear that Ranma should have been impressed.

"REALLY," Ranma drawled, looking over the hooded figures, "and all of these people are part of your cult, huh? And you meet with each other and study dark magic and sacrifice stuff and plot the end of the world?"

"That's right!" the cult leader said, grinning brightly, "Isn't it cool?!"

Ranma looked from one cultist to the next, and each one shifted uncomfortably and avoided making eye contact as he studied them. "... All guys, huh?"

"Oh, SCREW YOU," snapped one of the hooded teenagers, vaulting forward with a blackened short sword.

Ranma barely seemed to move as the cultist swung at him, but in an eyeblink the robed boy was sent flailing through the air over Ranma's shoulder before smashing into a wooden chair. Ranma kept facing forward, barely deigning to acknowledge the attempt on his life as the other cultists drew bladed weapons of various sizes.

"Okay, so do you wanna explain how you're going to end the world, or should I just start hitting people?" the martial artist asked as he smacked a fist into his palm. "I'm good either way, but I think traditionally you're supposed to explain everything first."

"With gusto!" Hikaru said, still sounding bizarrely happy. "At the stroke of midnight, the doom of this rotten world will finally be at hand! All thanks to THIS ancient, magical artifact!" Hikaru unzipped a fanny pack at his waist and rooted around inside it for a moment, and then withdrew a polished gem with a dramatic flourish that was completely ruined by the fact that he retrieved it from a fanny pack.

The gem had a radiant cut and a coloring that shifted with the slightest change in lighting, making it impossible to pin down a main hue. As soon as Ranma saw it he felt a nervous tingle along his spine, which was as good a sign as any that the object was definitely magical. And in his experience, magic meant trouble.

"Behold!" Hikaru said with a grin. "The MacGuffin Stone!"

"Oh, you CANNOT be serious," Ranma griped. The tingle along his back vanished, along with any remaining dramatic tension. "PLEASE tell me it isn't actually called that."

Hikaru looked somewhat offended by the rebuke. "Well, no, but the real name is in some obscure African language that I can't pronounce. Besides, I own it now, so I can call it what I want."

Ranma groaned and hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I told you," grumbled another cultist, "if we're not even going to pretend to take this seriously we should have just gone with 'Chaos Emerald'."

"We can't just rip off Sonic the Hedgehog! I'm sure that's trademarked!"

"We're ending the WORLD tonight, Gosunkugi-senpai! I'm pretty sure business laws don't have jurisdiction in Hell!"

"Okay, so here's what I don't get," Ranma mumbled, interrupting the argument.

Hikaru turned back toward his classmate, and then he did a double-take as he realized that his hand was now empty. Ranma was holding the MacGuffin Stone over his head, squinting and staring closely at the jewel. "So, you had this plan to destroy the world, and you had the tools to do it - or so you say - and nobody knew anything about it so no one could stop you." He dropped his gaze to the cultists, all of whom were now backing away from him. "And then you go and tell ME all about your plans, bring me straight to your LARPing den, and show me the key to your evil plot."

"Hey! We don't LARP!" complained one of the cultists. "That's a hurtful and malicious stereotype, and you should be ashamed!"

"Seriously," grumbled another, "LARPers are half the reason I want to end the human race in the first place."

"Whatever. Point is, you brought me, the person obviously most qualified to stop you, right here to the time and place I need to be to stop you. If you hadn't said anything to me I would have just gone to bed and perished along with everyone else, depending on what this rock actually does. I'm going to be generous and assume you're not THAT stupid, so what's the deal, Gos? Obviously you actually WANT me here for some reason." Ranma gripped the MacGuffin Stone tight in his hand as he let his arm drop to his side. The gem was starting to glow now, and a soft keening noise reverberated about the room.

Hikaru's expression turned more somber as he clasped his hands behind his back. "Ah. Right. I actually thought you might have missed that. There IS actually something else I need to end the world besides the MacGuffin Stone and knowledge of sketchy, obscure arcane rituals. The stone, you see, doesn't have much magic on its own. It needs... a power source."

"Cool. I'll make sure to keep it away from any open outlets," Ranma mumbled as he placed the stone in his pocket, "leaving now."

Or, rather, he TRIED to place it in his pocket. For some reason, when he tried to let go of the MacGuffin Stone, his fingers wouldn't leave the surface of the gem. "What the hell? What's going on?"

Hikaru chuckled darkly as Ranma pulled the stone back out of his pocket and then started flailing his hand about. The chuckling turned to full-blown evil laughter as the pigtailed boy tried to pry his fingers off the stone with his free hand. Then the evil laughter turned to gasping coughs as Ranma's free hand touched the MacGuffin Stone and got stuck to it as well.

After leaning on one of his cultist followers for a few seconds and catching his breath, Hikaru Gosunkugi once again addressed Ranma. "That's right, Saotome! THIS is the reason why I brought you here! YOU'RE the power source!"

Ranma was now banging his hands against a bookshelf to try to remove the magic stone in his grasp, but it didn't seem to do much besides bruise his fingers. "That's stupid! Since when do I have the power to destroy the planet?"

"You underestimate yourself, Saotome! For once..." Hikaru coughed a few times, and then straightened up. "Between your formidable willpower, substantial aura, and the completely RIDICULOUS amount of magic that's been dumped on you over your lifetime, you're the PERFECT sacrifice to the MacGuffin stone, and the final catalyst that shall bring around the last gasp of this cruel, rotten world!"

Ranma finally stopped trying to let go of the rock magically adhering to his hands, noting that it was glowing brighter than ever within his palm.

Then he turned back to Hikaru. "This is surprisingly well thought-out, for you."

Hikaru flushed and scratched the back of his head. "Aw, thanks. I put a lot of planning into this, you know?"

"Yeah, I can tell." Ranma pursed his lips. "So, how did you expect to keep me from kicking your ass while the MacGuffin Stone absorbed me or whatever?"

Hikaru's expression fell. "Uh... well, actually, I kind of thought it would work faster than this. Or that you'd be weakened or in extreme pain or something. We didn't really get to test it first."

"So there's nothing to stop me from hurting you right now," Ranma said darkly as the stone pulsed between his fingers.

"Uh..." Hikaru noticed that all of his cultists were quickly backing away, leaving a clear path between him and the martial artist standing in front of his altar. "Well, technically... yes, but... you SHOULDN'T... because... uh..."

Hikaru Gosunkugi's world flipped upside-down, and then his vision exploded into stars as he impacted a wall and dropped to the floor.

"All right, freaks," Ranma growled as he lowered his leg, "I don't know how long I've got before the magic rock does... whatever it's doing, so I'll take you all on at-"

A choking sob came from Hikaru's direction, and Ranma's eyebrow twitched as he glanced over at the cult leader. "... Dude, are you seriously CRYING right now!?"

An agonized moan came from the scrawny teenager as he curled up into the fetal position. "Th-That really h-hurt!" Hikaru whined, tears running down his cheeks. "Oh, God... I think you b-broke something! Wh-What if I need to go to the h-hospital?" Some of the other cultists grimaced and looked away.

"You are TRYING to bring about the APOCALYPSE, you little jerk! You're not allowed to cry when someone hits you for it!" Ranma insisted, slamming a foot into the floor.

"Th-This is the despicable c-cycle of violence th-th-that we'll b-bring to an end," Hikaru sniffled as he slowly crawled to his feet, "you th-think you can p-p-pick on m-me?"

"YES!" Ranma shouted. "You're trying to KILL PEOPLE! ALL THE PEOPLE! I am TOTALLY allowed to hit you for that!"

"Stop y-yelling!" Hikaru complained, cringing away and covering his head.

"Oh, for pity's sake!" Ranma snapped, glaring down at the gem in his hands. "Hurry up and finish your thing, already! This is just embarrassing!"

The MacGuffin Stone seemed to respond physically to the martial artist's demand, and the intense light of the gem expanded over his arms and seeped into his body. An ethereal wind rushed through the room, blowing about the cultists' robes and forcing them to grab onto nearby furniture to keep from being toppled.

Then the light receded, and the wind stilled. The MacGuffin stone bounced onto the floor.

Ranma Saotome was gone.

"Oh, HELL yes," a cultist grinned as he pumped a fist into the air, "I almost wish we could put off The End for a night or two. We just beat Ranma Saotome! You KNOW that would get us chicks!"

"We c-can't," Hikaru hiccupped as he wiped his face with his sleeve, "you know the astral alignment w-will only work t-tonight! We have to b-begin the r-ritual!"

"Okay, sure... uh... do you want, like, some aspirin or something?" mumbled another boy.

Hikaru Gosunkugi shook his head firmly. "I w-will endure! The p-pain drives me onward! Onward, to our glorious future! A future... of RUIN!!"

"Holy crap, this is actually happening," Hikaru Gosunkugi mumbled to himself.

It was the very next morning, and the head cultist of the Order of the Broken Sun was in his ceremonial robes, standing atop a Tokyo skyscraper, and gazing down upon the devastation he had wrought. Despite it being 3 AM, the sky was quite well lit from above.

And from below, for that matter.

Fire rained from the sky like spears of unholy destruction, and the air shimmered from the oven-like heat that had swallowed the city. The sun rolled across the sky with unnatural speed, its profile much larger than should have been possible.

The streets below were complete chaos. Infernos blazed seemingly at random and scorched bodies littered the sidewalk. Cars exploded left and right as their fuel tanks were cooked underneath them, and fire hydrants spat jets of scalding steam into the air. It was complete and utter devastation, senseless and merciless, and no person or creature could have hoped to escape the tide of mayhem.

"Wow...... I'm... I'm not completely sure why I thought this was a good idea," Hikaru admitted as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

Another cultist behind him shrugged. "Well, for me it's a general sense of misanthropy. You know, humanity is a race of monsters, we're destroying the planet, the true source of evil, yadda yadda."

Hikaru cringed as he watched an ambulance race down the street and swerve through a column of smoke. It struck a deserted car and fell onto its side, skidding to a stop in the street. A fireball descended upon the ambulance from above, and the vehicle was instantly swallowed beneath the ever-building firestorm.

The other cultist scratched the back of his head. "You had a thing too, right? I think I remember you complaining that Saotome stole your girl or something."

Hikaru pursed his lips. "Yeah. Akane Tendo. He was engaged to her."

"Akane, huh? She's pretty cute. I could see someone entering a state of omnicidal fury and swearing to destroy everything over that." A few other cultists nodded somberly, their expressions utterly serious. "And, hey! You won, right? In the end, you overcame that stupid jock and showed them all!"

The wiry boy crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips. "It's just... you know, seeing thousands of innocent people die around me without even knowing why they were doomed just kind of... puts things in perspective, I guess? I'm not sure this was a reasonable response to my romantic problems."

"Yes, well, it's kind of late to be having second thoughts," remarked another robed boy, slapping Hikaru on the shoulder. "Besides! It's not like you'll have to live with the guilt for long! There's already a fire climbing up this building. We've got, like, fifteen minutes left alive, tops."

Hikaru Gosunkugi grimaced as the other cultists walked off toward their ultimate demise, leaving him alone on the edge of the roof. With a miserable sigh, he withdrew the MacGuffin Stone from his pants pocket, staring into the smooth-cut facing of the mighty magical artifact.

"Well, Saotome, this is it. I guess I win. I proved I was the better man," Hikaru proclaimed solemnly. "... At least, insofar as we can measure who's a better man based on you dying several hours before me."

He paused again to wipe his brow. A loud groan came from the structure below, and Hikaru felt a quiver run up his spine as the surface of the roof trembled beneath his feet.

"I may have my regrets, but at least I got to drag you down with me," the cult leader scowled at the gem in his hand, "I mean, look at you now! Nothing but a glorified magic battery. You're the only reason I managed to complete the ritual in the first place!" His brow furrowed further. "In fact, when you think about it, this is really all YOUR fault! YOU let this happen! The sun is swinging out of its orbit and roasting the entire planet with solar flares, and where are you, huh? Locked in a magic rock. The magic rock that CAUSED all this. What a jerk!"

With a melodramatically enraged grunt, Hikaru Gosunkugi hurled the MacGuffin Stone off the roof and let it plummet to the burning streets below. Then he took a minute to breathe heavily from the exertion as the combination of mild physical effort, emotional rationalization, and oppressive heat sapped his strength.

"Well, that was a load off my conscience," the gloomy high schooler mumbled as he stood up straight and turned around, "time to go die, I guess."

"And so it was that the age of mankind ended in a furious solar storm, scouring the entire surface of their world with fire. Cities and forests alike were burned away and reduced to scorched husks. The world's star was broken, swinging about the solar system in wild loops that left the planet exposed to long periods of destructive heat followed by desperate cold. The moon was likewise unsettled, causing crazy tidal effects that drowned millions, but that hardly got much attention; the odd flood hardly seemed very dramatic when entire cities are consumed by flame from the sky. Not all the humans died right away, of course, but their skills and technology were not able to overcome this apocalypse; it had been too sudden, and the results too severe."

"But this was not the last gasp of the planet Earth. While humans and more mundane animals were destroyed by the cataclysm, other creatures lingered in the planet's dark spaces where fire and ice could not reach. Creatures of magic, awakened by the terror and devastation above, convened to determine the fate of their world now that its previous masters had finally brought about their own extinction."

"This was no easy thing. The beings left after the cataclysm were powerful, but they were few. They knew and cared little for nature or civilization. For millennia had the world been left to humanity, and its magic had eroded under the dominance of mankind's 'science'. Apparently not eroded enough, ironically, since magic had destroyed them, but still, many of those veritable demi-Gods grumbled that the Earth was not worth rebuilding. Let it burn, they said, prepared to return to their ancient slumber."

"Others, however, saw an opportunity. Some had rather LIKED the world's previous occupants and their wonderful penchant for havoc. One of these creatures decided that the sun should be tamed once more and the planet once again filled with life, so that it could grow and learn and struggle and fight and perhaps bring itself to ruin again! The others asked 'Why?', and the creature replied 'Why not?' They told the creature that it was insane, that it was cruel, that it sought to restore mortal life and revisit the cycle of life and death as a mere amusement. And they were totally right, but, c'mon, do you know how BORING everything would be otherwise?"

"So the creature gathered what few allies it had among the others and set out upon the ruined world, flooding it with magic and life anew. Eventually, even though it found the devastating and unpredictable seasons rather interesting, it even found ways to control the very sun and moon, and passed on this knowledge so that the planet could thrive once more. It took thousands and thousands of years, countless lives, and at least one more accidental apocalypse - REALLY fun story, I'll tell you about it later - but eventually the Earth became rich and populous once more."

"The creature was absolutely delighted to see the fruits of its effort. Although there were no more humans, and quite a few other animals hadn't turned out QUITE the way they used to be before Ranma Saotome caused the apocalypse, the creature was largely satisfied with the changes. Then, having completed its goal of cobbling together a new natural order from the scraps of the old world, the creature decided to rule over it with an iron fist. For funsies. Which was totally fair, after it put in so much work rebuilding everything. But it turns out that the new, INCREDIBLY ungrateful civilizations didn't really care for that. But that, too, is another story."

"Who was this creature? Well, it went by several names over the eons, most of them derogatory and some of which became hated curses or names for derivative Goth metal bands. As of the last few millennia, however, the creature has generally been known as-"

"Discord!" Fluttershy called out as the door shut behind her. "Are you still here?"

Fluttershy walked deeper into her cottage and peeked around a wall into the den. Discord was in the middle of the room, sitting on his long, curled-up tail while a wide assortment of woodland animals sat all around him. The draconequus twisted his head around, regarding the meek pegasus with a small smile.

"Welcome back, my friend! Did you have fun on the farm?" Discord asked.

"Oh, yes. Applejack was very grateful for the help. Thank you again for agreeing to take care of the animals all day," Fluttershy chirped as she trotted into the room, "what were you doing?"

"Just a little lecture on ancient Equestrian history," Discord replied, adjusting a pair of thick, square-rimmed glasses that hadn't been there a second ago, "I invited our esteemed Princess, Miss Sparkle, as well, but she didn't wish to attend." He snorted. "Sometimes I get the impression that she doesn't take me seriously."

Fluttershy giggled and gently patted Angel Bunny on the head. "I'm sure she was just busy, Discord." The surly white rabbit shot her annoyed glare, but she seemed to ignore it before moving toward the stairs. "I'm going to go clean up. You can stay for dinner if you'd like."

"Why, don't mind if I do!" the Spirit of Chaos replied as the pegasus ascended up to her bedroom.

Then Angel thumped his foot on the floor before gesturing wildly with his tiny paws, attracting Discord's attention once more.

"Hm? What happened to the MacGuffin Stone?" Discord asked, scratching the beard hanging at the end of his chin. "Well, it was destroyed, of course. The magical guardians of the planet knew that such an artifact could not be allowed to remain, especially as it still contained destructive force enough to unleash another celestial cataclysm or - even worse - possibly release the human it absorbed back into the world. It was the only intelligent thing to do, naturally."

Discord paused for several seconds as Angel tilted his head to the side. Then the draconequus burst out laughing, clutching his belly. "HAH! Just kidding! It was left sitting in the ruins of the human city, waiting for any old schmuck to pick it up off the ground and unleash its incredible power for their own petty purposes. COUGH!-alicornamulet-COUGH!"

His laughter settled, and the Spirit of Chaos smirked lazily as he stood up and stretched his mismatched arms. The animals around him started to scamper off, recognizing that story time was apparently over. "Well, that's it for today, kids. Uncle Discord has to clean up a little before supper. Pleasant dreams!"

Author's Note

So, to kick off this wacky, light-hearted adventure comedy and give it the proper tone, I had the entire population of the Earth horribly murdered with fire.
It can only get better from here, folks.

Awakening

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 1

Awakening

"Yes... at last, we've found it. After so many months of searching..."

Two figures stood at the crest of a hill, staring down at a chaotic landscape filled with overgrown ruins. Huge blocks of crumbling cement and badly corroded metal were blanketed with moss and vines, and the humid air was thick with spores. Only the prevalence of broken walls and the curiously geometric shape of the paths between them belied the fact that the current vegetation sat on terrain that wasn't entirely natural. Stretching high above the ancient rubble on either side were vast bluffs that cast the great valley into shadow and would have surely hidden its contents from the casual overland traveler. And so it was that this place had lain mostly undisturbed and untouched by the hands (so to speak) of the oblivious civilizations above.

It was not ENTIRELY undisturbed or untouched, however.

"It must be here. The journals have led us this far."

The individuals overlooking the ruins were both unicorns, though aside from their horns and hooves their features were largely obscured beneath thick wool cloaks. One was clearly larger than the other, and its grim, baritone voice identified it as a stallion. Dark red fur was visible beneath his hood and over his hooves, and a long dagger was slung over his saddlebags.

"This is SO cooooool!" squealed the other unicorn in a high-pitched, feminine giggle. She was a much smaller pony, and the bits of her fur that were visible were a bright, emerald green. "We're actually standing on the ruins of a long-lost civilization! I am SO excited!"

The stallion smirked. "Indeed, there is much history to be found here. But don't forget, Swan Song, that we're here to MAKE history too."

The unicorn mare nodded seriously, and her posture straightened. "Yes, Mister Rite, Sir! What first?" Her horn lit up with a soft yellow glow, and a pen and note pad levitated out of her saddlebags.

Rite's eyes tracked to the side, noting some flattened patches of foliage. "Let's head to the center. But be careful! These ruins are not completely deserted."

Swan and Rite crept down the side of the hill, descending into the ruins proper.

The area was divided into a grid, to a great extent. The numerous walls, having borne the passage of time rather poorly, boxed in great heaps of ancient rubble and the occasional tree growing within the protective, crumbling barriers. The walls were separated by what had obviously served as roads at some point. Oddly enough, however, there were numerous large mounds scattered around these paths, most of them covered over with mosses and ferns. They were clearly not simple boulders, being too uniform in shape and size.

As Rite trotted quietly down the road, Swan paused next to one of the strange mounds, poking gingerly at it with a hoof. The material cracked with very little pressure, and she pulled her hoof away to observe a bit of brownish-red dust on the tip.

"Rust? These are metal, then?" She started taking notes as she backed away from the mound, glancing at the others. "Why would there be so many metal things sitting out in a road?"

"Dusty Digger's journals provide a few theories, but they're all basically wild guesses," Rite mumbled as he stopped at an intersection and looked around, "the objects in this place were too old and badly corroded. And she guessed that even before then, most of them were damaged somehow. She did, however, discover that there used to be quite a lot of metal all over this place before it fell. These ancients had very enthusiastic blacksmiths, it would seem."

Swan clicked her tongue before she caught up with her companion. "Why aren't there any detailed records or artifacts recovered from this area? These objects are large, but it wouldn't be THAT hard to move them."

Rite snorted. "She didn't get a chance to try. Miss Digger encountered some considerable difficulties in exploring this place, and even greater difficulties making her discoveries public."

Swan cocked her head to the side. "Wait, but-"

The mare yelped as her companion suddenly leapt on top of her, shoving her to the ground and pinning her down next to one of the metal lumps.

"Sssssh!" Rite hissed.

After a few seconds, Swan Song heard the shuffle of nearby foliage parting, and a deep grunt nearby.

Heavy footsteps plodded against the ruined road, coming from the other side of the rusted mound. After a few seconds they stopped, and Swan's ears twitched as she heard a deep snort come from the as-yet-unseen creature.

Rite's horn glowed as he cast a simple cantrip that he had researched specifically for this purpose. A foul, acrid smell floated around the ponies as the unseen beast sniffed several more times. Another snort came a few seconds later, this one distinctly annoyed. Then there were more footsteps, this time moving away from the huddling unicorns.

Swan Song shifted so that she could look around their current cover, and her eyes widened as she got a good look at a manticore's hindquarters. The monster was moving away at a brisk walk, its curled scorpion-like tail swaying overhead.

The beast sped up, running down the ruined street and leaping back into the tree cover. Within seconds, the rustling of foliage had died down, and the ponies were once again alone.

Rite let out a deep breath as he pushed himself up, quickly removing the spell that had disguised their scent.

"There are manticores around here?" Swan whispered nervously.

"Oh, there are all sorts of nasty monsters in this place," her companion mumbled back, "this valley leads up into the Everfree Forest. Manticores, wyverns, serpents, slimes, cockatri... cockatrices? Cockatrici?" the stallion frowned as he tried to work out the plural form of the word. "Well, whatever. There's more than one."

Swan Song nodded quietly as she looked up at the sheer cliffs, and the darkened trees that stood atop the edges. "I suppose the Everfree's magic leaks into the valley over time, and it gets concentrated down here. That would attract a lot of monsters, even though there probably isn't as much prey."

"Yes, perhaps," her companion offered as he led her down the street, "or maybe the magic from here emanates up into the forest..."

The two ponies crept down the streets, their movements noticeably more cautious after having a close brush with a vicious wild animal. Eventually Rite paused before a one of the walls, his eyes narrowing. They focused on a set of deep claw marks set into the corroded stonework next to a doorway, and then the large skeleton lying on the ground below it.

"Ooh! Owlbear!" Swan Song whistled as she jotted down some more notes. "Looks like it was fighting something before it expired."

"Or trying to escape something," Rite replied, "come on. And step LIGHTLY."

The ponies walked through the wall, which hid a funnel-shaped passage leading underground. Rite stopped at the edge of the decline, growing more nervous as they approached the entrance. Glancing left and right, he stepped forward and peered into the tunnel.

"Stay close to me, and stay absolutely quiet," the stallion hissed softly.

"Oh, wow! Look at THIS bone!" Swan shouted from a far corner of the ruin. Rite leapt up into the air, his ashen white tail flipping up his robe. Reflexively, he slapped a hoof down onto the cloak before it could hike up above his flank and expose much of his rear leg.

"The shape looks vaguely simian," Swan said obliviously as she poked at a cracked skull settled under some vines, "do you see any more bones? I should recover a sample for analysis when we get back to civilization."

"Swan Song!" Rite hissed under his breath as his eyes darted back and forth. "Pay attention!"

The mare swung about, snapping to attention with a very serious expression on her face. With a quiet sigh, Rite led them both into the basement tunnel, his hooves stepping lightly against the ancient concrete and hard-packed soil.

It did not take long until the ponies were engulfed in darkness, having traveled far beyond the reach of the light from above. Rite's horn glowed briefly, and another spell took effect as their eyes became windows of shimmering magical light. Swan blinked rapidly as her vision turned to shades of green. The effect was disconcerting, although the monochrome vision was far better than having a small light source.

"A darkvision spell," Rite whispered, "now be absolutely quiet. I have little idea what sort of enemies we may face, but-"

A loud crash came from the side, and again the stallion yelped in fright. Whirling around, he saw a cloud of dust spilling away from a doorway that had been partially buried by rubble. A moment ago the door had been there too, largely intact. Now it was not. "Swan! What are you doing?!"

"Ooh, this place is great!" the mare called from the next room. "Mister Rite, check this out! It's more metal things! And more bones!"

Rite suppressed several curses under his breath as he scrambled through the doorway after his companion, carefully deciding along the way what would be a fairly safe volume at which to berate her. When he entered the room he beheld a vast room full of heaped, crumbling furniture and strange, ancient objects in various states of decay. In the center of the room, laying within a crude circle of battered and rusted lockers and metal desks, was a nest made of bleached bones and gold. Actual gold, in the form of bits and bullion. It was hard to tell with the monochrome palette of the darkvision spell, but he was certain that the pile of treasure would be positively blinding in actual light.

"Is... Is this..." the stallion gulped and started looking around frantically.

"Neat, huh? It's a real dragon hoard!" Swan Song chirped as she trotted up to the nest. "I told you I'm good at finding relics and stuff! Not that it's hard in place like THIS." She giggled as she levitated her notepad again, and then paused as she squinted at it. "Hmm... it's going to be hard to sketch like this. A light spell would have been better after all."

Rite was sweating fervently as he looked about the room. This area was quite large, and while there was obviously nothing else in here with them right now, there were several large holes in all four walls that led into other parts of the ruin. "Swan! Do you understand what that is?!" he hissed.

"Of course! Dragonology was my minor, you know!" the green unicorn said as she closely observed a locker beneath her. "This nest probably belongs to a dragonspawn. Not a real, intelligent dragon, but a sort of monster with draconic blood. See all the bones? Real dragons don't leave garbage in their gold stashes."

"And what does your extensive knowledge of dragonkind say about the possibility of that dragonspawn being nearby, and willing to kill anything that gets near its nest?" Rite asked, keeping a tremor out of his voice.

"Very, very likely," Swan mumbled as she started sketching. Then she paused. "... OH. Okay. Now I get it. Should we leave?"

"Yes."

"Should we take some of the treasure with us?"

"No."

"Not even the large, obviously magical, and probably very important gemstone right here?"

"NO! We have to get-wait, what?"

Swan Song put away her sketch pad and then reached into the locker under her with her hoof. She pulled out a sparkling, radiant-cut gemstone. As soon as it was free from its confines its glow pulsed through the room, and Rite had to squint as the magical light interfered with his darkvision spell.

"That... Is it really...?" the stallion nearly tripped over his own hooves as he staggered toward his companion, his eyes fixed on the jewel. His horn flickered, and then he jerked his head back as he felt an enormous surge of power come from the jewel. "It's true... this is it!" His voice started to rise in pitch as he struggled to contain incredulous laughter. "I can't believe it! We've really found it!"

"And after barely five minutes of searching," Swan cheered, "I told you I was good at this! Finding ancient relics is, like, my fourth special talent!" Then she paused. "So... what is this, again?"

"It is the key to the future," Rite said as he took the gem from Swan Song's hoof, "the one artifact with the power to tear down the corrupt magical order of Equestria and set right the tyranny of the sun." He grinned, and the stallion's hoof almost trembled in contact with the artifact. "At last, it is mine! The MacGuffin Stone!"

Swan Song pursed her lips as Rite held up the gem. "They, uh... they really called it that?"

"The ancient peoples were very silly," Rite admitted as he lost all sense of awe and anticipation, "but anyway, the important thing is that it works."

"So, how do we test it?" Swan asked, taking a step back.

"Under very carefully prepared laboratory conditions, of course," Rite scoffed, "the sort of magic contained within the MacGuffin Stone has the power to bring nations to ruin. It cannot be used lightly!"

"I think we should test it now," Swan mumbled. She was now actively backing away from the other pony.

Rite stared at his companion, and then twisted his neck to look behind him. A massive, lizard-like beast stood behind him, its forked tongue flicking out between jaws full of needle-like teeth. It was easily four feet tall while resting almost on its belly, and probably three times that from nose to tail. Large, red eyes blinked against the glow of the gem, which perfectly illuminated the two intruders even if it had been otherwise unable to see them in the dark.

"Oh, for the love of Discord," the stallion sighed.

The dragonspawn snarled and snapped forward, its jaws opening to engulf the pony entirely. Rite's horn flashed brilliantly, and in a puff of glimmering white magic he blinked away from his imminent demise and reappeared next to Swan Song.

"I don't suppose your studies in dragonology taught you how to chase off draconic beasts?" Rite asked he took up the MacGuffin stone in his telekinetic grip. The dragonspawn rounded to face them, snarling angrily.

"It was just a minor! I only studied it out of personal interest!" Swan cried as she backpedaled in terror.

Rite groaned as the dragonspawn lunged. "All right, then. MACGUFFIN TESTING TIME!"

Power surged into the stone as his horn flared again, and the monster's charge seemed to slow down as arcs of power lashed about the ancient artifact. After a few seconds, it was obvious that the dragonspawn actually WAS moving more slowly due to the pulse of force from the MacGuffin Stone, as if it were trying to swim against a current rather than run across rough ground.

"Okay! I think I've got this!" Rite said, his voice shaking slightly. "There's WAY more power in this thing than I'm used to, but I think I have this under contro-"

An ear-shattering BANG came from the MacGuffin Stone, and Rite was hurled back as a sphere of glimmering force was launched in the other direction. The magic bolt slammed into the dragonspawn, which screeched in pain as it was flung into a wall.

The monstrous predator shook off the blow quickly, but was hurt and very confused by the small equine's ability to throw it around with bolts of light. It scurried away toward an adjacent tunnel, its razor-tipped tail whipping about behind it.

Rite groaned and pushed himself to his hooves, although he was stunned senseless when he faced forward again. Not at the retreat of the dragonspawn, which didn't quite rise to the level of "shocking", but rather at a completely different and unexpected horror that was pushing itself up.

It was a little under six feet tall, and, judging by the way it quickly snapped upright, evidently bipedal. Largely hairless flesh covered smooth, lithe muscle on a body considerably larger than a pony, if not exactly monstrous in size. The top of the creature's head had a bushy head of hair which was tied in the back into a short braid. It had no tail of any sort, and was obviously male.

That final observation was quite apparent thanks to it being utterly naked, not that the ponies thought anything particularly strange about that. Rite's eyes grew wide as he stared at the new creature, and Swan Song gasped and stepped up behind him.

"Is that...?"

Ranma Saotome blinked repeatedly as he stood upright, his head spinning and his eyes swimming in flashes of color. His head also throbbed painfully, which was plainly the result of having been used as an improvised projectile very recently; he was intimately familiar with the sensation. He couldn't make immediate sense of his surroundings, and his reflexes were on autopilot to keep him upright and mobile while his brain kicked into gear to figure out what was happening to him.

"By Celestia! It's a mutant ape!" screeched a feminine voice speaking English.

Well, he wasn't alone, at least. He didn't really know if that was good or bad yet, but the presence of other people gave him some options.

Blinking his eyes rapidly, they quickly adjusted to the gloom, and then Ranma turned toward the only light source in the area. He blinked some more, and this time it had nothing to do with the light.

"... A unicorn?" Ranma mumbled in Japanese, completely flummoxed.

"Where did it come from?" Swan asked, shivering as she stood next to Rite.

"It appeared right after the stone discharged!" the stallion replied.

Ranma blinked some more. "A talking unicorn?" He was still speaking Japanese, although this time his voice came out at a normal volume.

"Is it... speaking to us?" Swan Song asked in shock.

"Don't be ridiculous. That gibberish could never pass for an actual language," Rite scoffed as he backed away.

"... A racist talking unicorn," Ranma said, still speaking Japanese, "man, I get all the weird mythical creatures."

"Okay, it doesn't seem to be hostile. Let's walk back into the hall, nice and slow, and get out of here," Rite said as he levitated the MacGuffin stone over next to him, "it's just a dumb animal; it's probably even more confused as to what it's doing here than we are."

"I can understand you, you know," Ranma said in English as he crossed his arms over his chest, "I may get lousy grades, but I'm actually real good at speaking English."

The ponies froze stiff, and Rite's concentration slipped out of pure shock, causing him to drop the MacGuffin Stone onto the ground again.

"... Although, if we're being honest, I am confused about what's going on, actually," Ranma admitted after an awkward pause. Then he glanced down at himself. "Also, why am I naked? I don't really remember the last thing I was doing, but I'm pretty sure I didn't pass out in the bath!"

"It can talk! It really can! This is the most mutated ape I've ever seen!" Swan Song said, her eyes growing wide. Much to Rite's unease, the fear that had dominated her voice previously was now giving way to excitement. "Ooh! Do you think the residual magic modified its brain chemistry? Can I check? Oh! Can we keep him, Mister Rite? Can we?"

"No, you can't keep me!" Ranma growled. "And stop calling me an ape, you dumb horse!"

"Ooh, it's feisty!" Swan grinned as her horn started to glow. Ranma took a step back as a familiar tingle crawled down his back.

"No, Swan Song!" Rite barked as he levitated the MacGuffin Stone again. "Leave the monkey freak alone! We have the MacGuffin Stone, now let's go!"

"MacGuffin Stone? What kind of a name is-" Ranma's eyes widened as several memories rushed back into him all at once. "HEY! That's Gosunkugi's stupid rock! Gimme that!"

"Never! Back off, ape!" Rite snarled, lowering his body into what Ranma supposed was some kind of combat pose. "Do you have any idea how long I've searched for this power? The kind of sacrifices I've made? The SUFFERING I've endured?!"

Swan tilted her head to the side in thought. "Actually, finding the MacGuffin Stone was relatively quick and painless when you really think-"

"QUIET, SWAN SONG!"

Ranma growled in frustration, but hesitated to simply rush the unicorn and take the magic rock floating in the air in front of him. In part it was because he was still trying to sort out what, exactly, had happened and how the MacGuffin Stone might potentially help. Mostly, however, it was because he remembered that touching the gem had gone poorly for him last time.

Shoot, is that something that just happens to anyone who touches it, or was that some kind of special spell Gos used? Damn it, I should have asked that before I got... uh... teleported? Where the hell am I, anyway?

"Look, just give me the stupid rock! I don't know what's going on, but I know that it's involved somehow!" Ranma paused. "Also, I think it still has my clothes."

"I said BACK OFF!" Rite shouted, his horn glowing in tandem with the MacGuffin Stone. "Or I'll do to you what I did to the lizard!"

"You're going to hurl him at himself?" Swan asked in confusion.

"Maybe! You don't know! There could be a whole colony of hairless apes in this thing!"

Even as he threatened the bizarre creature, however, Rite could feel that there was something wrong. The MacGuffin Stone, which held a veritable ocean of power a moment ago, was now desperately depleted of magic. He had no idea why, as the kinetic bolt-slash-summoning spell he had apparently used on the dragonspawn shouldn't have consumed THAT much mana, but somehow it had emptied much of the artifact's reserves. Still, that would at least allow him to control it more easily, and could properly empower his own spells if this magic monkey-thing was really going to try to stop him.

"All right, look, you can either give me the rock or explain to me why I woke up naked in somebody's basement. I can work with either," Ranma demanded.

"As I cannot manage the latter, and refuse to do the former, I'm going to have to opt for choice C," Rite said as an electric arc lashed between his horn and the Stone, "magic missile!"

A fantastic flare of light came from the unicorn as a bolt of force blasted out of his horn toward his target. The MacGuffin Stone trembled in sympathy, and then another three bolts rocketed toward the pigtailed boy.

Ranma twisted out of the way almost casually, slipping around the sparkling projectiles as they tried to home in on him. The bolts of magic slammed into the walls and floors, tearing large, burning gouges into the worn materials.

"Seriously, cut that out," Ranma said, scowling, "I don't want to have to hurt you. I think unicorns are endangered or something."

Rite gaped for a few seconds, and then wracked his brain for another spell. "Pretty quick for something with only two legs. Let's see you dodge THIS, then!"

The MacGuffin Stone quivered again, and then a wall of shining white light appeared in front of the stallion, stretching from wall to wall and from ceiling to floor. A moment later it blasted forward, and lockers and bones alike were bulldozed ahead of its path.

Ranma braced himself and then slammed into the wall with his shoulder, shattering the magic with sheer force. A cloud of dust kicked up at his feet as the spell failed, but other than that he seemed entirely undisturbed.

"Yeah, no. Can I have the rock now? It's kind of chilly in here," the martial artist complained.

"Oh, wow. This guy has to be an ape KING or something," Swan Song gushed, clearly impressed with their opponent.

"Either shut up or help me!" Rite shouted as sweat started rolling down his head and neck.

"Okay!" The mare's own horn lit up, and the aura around the MacGuffin Stone turned from white to yellow. "Hey, it feels like this thing is nearly empty! How are we supposed to conquer the world with this?"

Ranma jerked his head back in surprise. "You're gonna conquer the world? Seriously?" He stopped to think as Swan Song started shaking the MacGuffin Stone in the air, like a can of spray paint. "Well, I guess it's a step up from what the LAST guy tried to do with it, but it doesn't matter because I'm still taking the rock. So put it down and scram!"

"No way!" Swan Song declared as her horn pulsed brighter. She herself only had one spell handy that could possibly disable the enemy in front of her without offering him any chance to dodge or overpower it. She focused her mind, and her eyes flashed in time with her horn and the gemstone hovering at her shoulder. "Take this! POLYMORPH!!"

"Polly-what? I don't know that woOOOOOAH!" Ranma screamed as his body was spontaneously engulfed by yellow light and started to shift. All his muscles locked up, and he experienced the bizarre, stomach-turning sensation of feeling his flesh and bones shrink and rearrange themselves in a few seconds. The process was thankfully painless, at least. Until he lost his balance and fell on his face.

Rite's eyes bulged yet again as the light receded. The glow from the MacGuffin Stone also faded entirely, leaving it looking like an ordinary gemstone.

"Whelp, I think this thing's spent," Swan mumbled as she dropped the MacGuffin Stone onto the ground, "I hope you have a plan B for your quest to defeat the Equestrian diarchy, Mister Rite."

Rite wasn't paying attention to his companion, however. His eyes were focused on the freakish mutant ape that had been magically summoned before them. Who was now looking a lot less freakish and ape-like.

"What... the hell?" Ranma mumbled as he pushed himself up. He almost failed in the effort, because his arms suddenly weren't jointed the way they used to be. In fact, it felt like they weren't really "arms" at all anymore. His entire body structure had changed substantially, and as he stood up the martial artist found himself standing on all fours. To his fighter's instincts, it felt wrong and even dangerous, limiting his range of attack and defense and distorting his center of gravity. But his body felt perfectly comfortable in the stance, which took a moment for Ranma to wrap his mind around.

"You... turned him into an earth pony?" Rite asked, totally perplexed.

"Er... yeah. Guess I did. Weird, I was aiming for a squirrel or something," Swan admitted with a shrug. "Hmm... he's kinda cute now that he's got some fur on him!"

Ranma's eyes widened as he heard that, and he started stumbling about, twisting his head about and generally panicking.

After a few seconds, Rite realized what was wrong; without the glow from the MacGuffin Stone or their magic, the room was cast in total darkness. They could still see thanks to his earlier cantrip, but the mysterious monkey-thing-turned-equine was totally blind AND stuck in an entirely different form.

"Quick! Let's get out of here!" the stallion snapped as he took up the gem in his mouth and bolted past Ranma for the exit.

Ranma's ears perked up, and his mind focused on the sounds of hooves pounding against the ruined floor. "Oh no you DON'T!"

Rite grunted painfully as the new pony homed in on his hoofsteps and rammed into him. The stallion was slammed hard into a wall, barely managing to keep hold of the MacGuffin Stone in his jaws. Ranma staggered unsteadily from the impact, as that had been literally his first lateral movement on four legs.

"You're not going anywhere!" Ranma barked, glaring in what he guessed was the stallion's direction. Geez, was this what it was like for Mousse when he was fighting? "Change me back, right now!"

A throaty growl answered him, and Ranma furrowed his brow.

"Did you just SNARL at me?" he asked.

"No, that wasn't us," Swan replied. She pointed a hoof helpfully toward the massive, spine-covered dragonspawn crawling back toward its nest, forgetting that Ranma couldn't see her anyway.

Ranma did hear a scraping noise behind him, however, and he glanced in that direction.

He couldn't see much in the shroud of darkness, save a pair of glowing golden eyes. Very large eyes, in fact. The eyes narrowed at him, and a wave of warm, acrid air blew in his face as another growl came from the shadows.

"What is going ON?!" the martial artist shouted as the dragonspawn lunged at him.

Rite and Swan wasted no more time. With the MacGuffin Stone secured and both their immediate foes occupied with each other, the unicorns galloped for the exit and then turned sharply to head out to the surface.

"Well, that's a shame, really. I would have liked to study that guy if I could," Swan Song admitted as she dashed into the natural light filtering down into the urban ruins.

"I hope that isn't some sort of innuendo," Rite grumbled around the gem in his mouth as he slowed to a trot. He looked back and forth, and quickly dropped the MacGuffin Stone into his saddlebag as soon as he was sure there were no immediate obstacles. "Let's get out of here. We have much to do, yet." He trotted past the shredded walls of the ruin, and Swan Song followed.

"About that. Didn't we just use up the MacGuffin Stone's entire mana reservoir just now to summon that creature and then stop him from stopping us? What good is it now?" the mare asked.

"That's a question that requires research, Swan Song. I doubt the Stone is completely inert. Such powerful artifacts are rarely created to be expended completely and then discarded."

A muted thud from below sent a slight tremor up Rite's legs and his heart up his throat. Swan squeaked and froze, whipping her head back and forth.

"What was that?" she asked in a panic. "Earthquake? Ursa major? Graboids?"

"Sssh!" Rite hissed. He listened carefully for a moment, and then the ground jolted again from another heavy impact. A roar of pain and fury came from below, muffled by several meters of stone and dirt.

He and Swan Song turned to stare at each other. Another jolt ran up their legs, though this one felt like it was further away.

Further down the ancient road, the bits of crumbling pavement gave way to a large, deep sinkhole. Another underground impact caused several pebbles and bits of dirt to shake loose from the edges of the pit and fall in.

"You... You don't think-" Swan started to ask, only to be cut off by a loud, agonized shriek.

The dragonspawn sailed out of the sinkhole at an arc, its entire body spinning through the air and hot blood leaking from multiple breaches in its scales. It slammed into, and then through, one of the ruin walls, and the entire structure collapsed from the impact and kicked up a cloud of dust and leaves.

"Oh dear..." Rite mumbled, backing up. "We should run."

The two unicorns again turned tail and sprinted away, and after a few heavy breaths Rite spoke again. "It suddenly occurs to me that any creature contained within an artifact as powerful as the MacGuffin Stone is probably extremely powerful itself!"

"Do you think it was a good idea to make him mad like that, then?" Swan Song asked. "He seemed REALLY peeved about the polymorph!"

"No, Swan, it was not a good idea!" the stallion admitted. "How long will that spell last, anyway?"

"Well, normally it wears off in an hour. But it was powered up a LOT by the stone. So, uh..."

Rite rounded a corner, and Swan trailed off as she galloped after him.

"Well, the more powerful morphing spells tend to be... kinda... permanent. Is that a bad thing?" the mare asked.

"For us? Probably not," Rite said as he reached the incline which had led them into the valley, "but the former simian back there won't be too happy about it."

Ranma's breath heaved as he pulled himself up the edge of the sinkhole, his hooves digging deeply into the cracked dirt to support his body.

Yes, hooves. He had hooves, now.

His eyes squinted against the light, delaying for a few moments further exploration of his transformed body while his vision adjusted. As the blurry colors sharpened into discernible shapes, Ranma glanced around and found himself in another scenario that was more familiar to one of his martial artist rivals.

"Where the hell AM I?!" Ranma shouted. The entire area was full of old, battered walls and overgrown foliage. Ancient skyscrapers loomed in the distance, bearing gaping holes and huge webs of vines. Rusted pipes and metal beams stabbed up toward the sky, which itself was framed by two vast bluffs. He'd never seen anything like it.

Circling around and staring at his surroundings didn't help determine where he was, so he went back to determining WHAT he was. Besides having hooves, his legs were covered in short, dark gray fur. He could see his nose distended into an equine muzzle, and his face was framed by a jet black mane that - as far as he could tell, at least - almost perfectly approximated his human hair and style. His body was still lithe and muscular as always, although it was now barely half the size of his real form. Several bloody claw and tooth marks marred his coat thanks to his tussle with the dragonspawn, but he ignored the wounds. None were serious. A glance behind him revealed that he had a tail, also black, that was tied into a long braid. While he found it slightly odd that the shape-changing magic had styled his new appendage, what he found even stranger was some sort of discoloration on his hip. It was a circle of eight white arrows, all originating from a center point and then spreading out in different directions such that it resembled a star.

"The hell is this?!" Ranma growled, reaching back with a hoof and rubbing at the spot. It didn't come off at all, which suggested that the unicorns hadn't somehow managed to paint on his butt when he wasn't paying attention. "What's happening to me?!" He shouted to the sky, slamming both front hooves down. The ground splintered and cracked under the impacts, kicking up waves of dust.

After nearly a minute of standing in place and letting his breathing slow down to normal, Ranma lurched backward and sat down on his rear.

"Okay. Cool it, Ranma. Let's think about this." He furrowed his brow. "First off: last place I was before I woke up here was in that church, facing Gos. He said he was going to destroy the world, and had everything he needed to do it."

Ranma looked around, and his ears twitched at the sound of a bird's mating call from high above. "The world sure doesn't LOOK destroyed. But I'm obviously not in Nerima. So what happened? What did the MacGuffin Stone do to me? Did it teleport me somewhere? Did it kind of destroy the world, but not really?"

A few more minutes of thought eventually brought him to consider something else. "When those horse jerks changed me, the unicorn bigot said I was turned into an 'Earth pony'. What does THAT mean?" That he was now a miniature horse was obvious enough, but Ranma didn't understand the addition of "Earth". Why would he say that? Were there non-Earth ponies?

His eyes widened. "Wait, unicorns can be considered ponies too, right? I mean, they were smaller than normal horses! But if I'm an 'Earth' pony, and pretty much look like a normal pony, and they were unicorn ponies, and not Earth ponies, then that must mean..."

Ranma slammed his hoof into the ground again. "ALIENS!!" He jumped to his hooves. "It all makes sense! They called me that because I look like a pony from Earth, since alien ponies are unicorns! Apparently! I'm on another planet!" Then his eyes bulged even further. "Then... THAT means..."

The martial artist gasped, hardly able to imagine that he was about to utter the next words that were coming out of his mouth. "... All aliens really DO speak English! Stargate: SG-1 was RIGHT!"

After a brief pause, he added, "Oh, also, Earth probably was destroyed and everyone I know is probably dead. That really sucks." His ears flipped down as he slumped. "Man... I really liked the Earth. I mean, it sure didn't seem to like ME, but still. What am I supposed to do now?"

Another few minutes were spent in silent contemplation of the unicorns that had cursed and abandoned him. "... Okay, wait. Those guys TALKED. And they had clothes and bags and stuff. So there's gotta be some kind of alien pony civilization around here. Let's find that, and then maybe I can figure out what to do about the two jerks that changed me."

Ranma nodded, having decided on an immediate objective. "Along the way, I'm going to have to figure out this body. I managed to take on that alien lizard, but I'll need a lot of practice if-"

He froze in place as he heard a rustling sound, and his ears twitched. More noises from disturbed foliage came from behind a wall, and Ranma's eyes narrowed as he heard something growl lightly from the other side of the ancient barrier.

"What? You want to try me?" he barked in English. He figured he might as well get in the habit of speaking English full-time, unless he managed to find some Japanese-speaking aliens like they always had in manga. "Either get lost or get out here so I can kick your ass! I have things to do, kind of!"

The sound of heavy, leathery wings pushing against air came from nearby, and Ranma tilted his head upward to see what manner of extraterrestrial was volunteering itself for kicking practice.

A manticore dropped down onto the street, its heavy, bat-like wings folding up as it hit the ground. A scorpion tail snapped upright behind it, its stinger poised to attack. The bulk of the monster - a ferocious, automobile-sized lion - tensed into a fighting stance as it bared sword-like fangs at the martial artist pony.

"ALIEN CAT!!" Ranma screeched, all of his bravado and determination vanishing as ailurophobia took over his bodily reflexes. The manticore blinked in surprise as its prey bolted down the street like a cannon shot, sprinting so fast that the beast could barely contemplate pursuit.

"WHY DO THE CATS HERE HAVE SCORPION TAILS AND WINGS?!" Ranma screamed as a vast trail of dust rolled up behind him. The road gave way to a dilapidated concrete wall and a cluster of trees, and Ranma plowed straight through the wall and into the forest beyond. "THIS PLANET SUCKS! WHAT KIND OF SICK, HORRIBLE GOD WOULD MAKE CATS EVEN MORE TERRIBLE AND HIDEOUS?!"

"Hm?" Discord tilted his head to the side suddenly, his ear twitching. "That's odd. I thought somepony was calling me."

Fluttershy was sitting opposite the draconequus on the other side of a chess board, and she raised her head briefly as she listened. The birds perched next to them on the windowsill were chirping softly, and Barry the bear was snoring in the next room, but she couldn't hear anything that sounded like Discord's name. "Are you sure? I don't hear anything."

"Probably my imagination," Discord shrugged as Fluttershy tepidly picked up her bishop in her mouth, "either that, or there's somepony cursing me for the awful consequences of something I did that seemed absolutely hilarious at the time."

Fluttershy dropped her chess piece in its new place, then pursed her lips. "I don't think that's it. Twilight would have teleported here by now to yell at you."

"Point." Discord glanced down at the chess board. "Hmm... check, eh?"

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" Fluttershy cried, quickly snatching her bishop and dropping it onto a new square. "How about here? Is that okay?"

"... You DO remember what the point of this game is, don't you?"

Zecora trotted quietly through the overgrown spaces of the Everfree Forest, her hooves stepping lightly around clusters of foliage with a stealth borne of long practice. Her saddlebags hung heavily on her back, weighed down with leaves, flowers, and other ingredients she had gathered from the forest floor.

For Zecora, these trips through the forest's dark spaces were an everyday routine, although they were no less dangerous for her experience. She had ventured deep into the heart of the forest on numerous occasions, and there was hardly a day that passed that she didn't have to evade or alter her path to avoid an angry forest predator.

Today, however, seemed that it might be such a day. It wasn't as if she hadn't encountered any dangerous beasts, but rather, every dangerous animal she had stumbled upon was limping away injured or unconscious, and as such she had no need to avoid them. It was very strange, and somewhat troubling.

Besides the devastated animals, Zecora would occasionally come upon some damage among the ground and foliage, as if they had been in the way of a fantastic scuffle. Usually these were merely shredded bushes or a divot carved into the dirt, but on two occasions she had found trees completely ripped in half and still leaking fresh sap in a hopeless attempt to stem the damage. This was all the more remarkable considering that there was no other obvious trail to follow; she would have expected a beast that knocked down trees to flatten everything in its path as it traveled, yet long stretches of the forest were undisturbed between comatose bears and piles of splintered timberwolf limbs trying to reassemble themselves.

Logically, Zecora knew that she should have been taking pains to avoid such a creature rather than tracking it, but the zebra's curiosity was piqued. Her sensitivity to the forest around her and her natural intuition told her that this new visitor was no native, and that the forest itself seemed almost desperate to eject or kill it, like a body infected by a virus. She'd never felt such a thing before, and thought it best that she at least identify the anomaly.

A pained growl had Zecora's ears perking, and she noiselessly slipped to the side as a dire bear walked by. Or, rather, limped by. One of its arms was clearly broken, and its mouth was ominously devoid of the vicious, dagger-like teeth that characterized the species.

The bear stopped and sniffed the air, and Zecora shifted her pose slightly, preparing herself to run. However, the ursine predator didn't seem in any mood to hunt, and quickly cringed away. Zecora could only marvel at the sight as the dire bear rushed away from her location as fast as it could manage on three limbs; she'd never seen one of the ferocious animals so broken before.

There were other things odd about it, too. What kind of creature would be strong enough to savage a dire bear - physically, by all indications - yet unintimidating enough that the bear would attack it anyway? Why would it leave the bear alive after crippling it? Was it not hungry? She hadn't seen any carcasses or other signs that the creature was eating the creatures it was defeating, yet it had to be working up an appetite fighting constantly. Very strange.

Zecora crept along the path helpfully created by the crippled ursine, more cautious but more curious than ever. It wasn't long before she heard the loud shifting of branches and vines, accompanied by another sound that she couldn't quite make out. Whatever it was, it was badly muffled, somehow.

Creeping up behind another tree, the zebra mare peeked over the surrounding brush.

Beyond the brush, positioned at the base of one of the forest's larger trees, was a massive predatory plant. It had the shape of a Venus flytrap, but grown to monstrous proportions and possessing thick, powerful vines that writhed about in the undergrowth and would grab animals to drag them closer. A necessary adaptation, seeing how the plant itself looked far too dangerous to trick anything into wandering into its jaws. Half a dozen sets of thick leaves, edged with needle-like teeth and large enough to trap a minotaur, hung over a cluster of leaves and flowers that formed the base of the plant. Two of the leaf-jaws were closed shut, and one of those was trembling.

The plants, usually called kraken lilies, were quite rare, and hardly one of the more dangerous creatures of the Everfree as they were largely immobile. Their flowers were also extremely useful to many potions, although they were appropriately hard to get. Safely taking a blossom was usually only possible with a team of experienced hunters or the sheer luck to come across the plant while all of its mouths were busy digesting food.

The possibility of getting a kraken flower was only a distant concern for Zecora, however. Her eyes were locked onto the trembling leaves of the kraken lily, and the noise coming from within that increasingly sounded like muffled cursing.

"HHRRRAAAAAAAAUGH!!" With a sudden, enraged scream, the hinge between the leaves that kept the jaws of the trap closed was ripped apart. The botanical mandibles fell away, and a slime-covered body was dropped onto the forest floor.

Ranma started coughing and spitting out fluid as soon as his hooves touched the ground, seemingly oblivious to the other jaws of the kraken lily bending around and reaching for him.

Like a lightning bolt, Ranma's back legs lashed out at the nearest trap, striking it hard enough to rip it from its base. The jaws were sent spinning away into the branches, trailing sap in wild loops behind it. He leapt away from another trap trying to snap shut over him, landing at the base of the plant and glaring at the stems.

With an incoherent snarl, the martial artist pony dove at the core of the plant, kicking at the stems and tearing them apart. One by one the jaw-traps shuddered and tumbled onto the forest floor, bouncing away while oozing sap onto the ground. Even when the only trap remaining was closed on some other prey and obviously no threat, Ranma grabbed onto its stem with his forelegs and then bit into it, literally eating through his assailant in a crude reversal of their previous predicament.

"NOM NOM NOM JACKASH!" Ranma shouted around a mouthful of kraken plant, which was surprisingly sweet and tender. As he swallowed it, the final stem buckled and broke, and Ranma yelped as the trap fell on top of him.

Zecora stared quietly, rubbed her eyes with her hoof, and then went back to staring.

After a few seconds there was a tremendous impact, and the last of the kraken lily's traps was sent flying off into the surrounding forest. Ranma returned his legs to the ground and then staggered away from the conquered plant. Sap and acidic fluids stuck in his fur and mane, he had numerous new slashes cut into his body, and his tail was partially unbraided and full of twigs and dirt.

"I AM HAVING SUCH A BAD DAY!!" Ranma screamed to the sky.

Zecora silently pulled back behind her tree, trying to puzzle out what she had just seen. The events themselves had been quite straightforward, but hardly anything else about this made sense. Who was this earth pony? How did he possess the strength to destroy a kraken lily on his own? Why was he wandering through the Everfree Forest and demolishing its wildlife? Fairly disturbed, but no less intrigued, Zecora twisted her head back around to further observe this new pony.

She found herself staring directly into a pair of crystal blue eyes mere inches from her own.

Zecora managed to keep from shouting in surprise, although it was a near thing. She hadn't heard the stallion approach, and was fairly certain she hadn't made a sound to alert him, either. A moment passed with neither of them speaking, and Zecora watched nervously as the stallion looked her over.

"Oh, thank God, you're an Earth pony," Ranma sighed, his shoulders slumping. This new pony was a bit strange-looking, with golden hoop jewelry and a mohawk, but she clearly didn't have a horn. Zecora cautiously relaxed her own guard as well, as this new pony didn't seem hostile. Confused, apparently, but not hostile.

"Your confusion I can understand, but I am not an equine from this land. Zebra is how my people are referred, at least when superstition and judgment are deferred."

Ranma cocked his head to the side, his brow creasing. "Oh... kay. Alien zebra. Got it." The zebra before him was much smaller than he remembered Earth zebras being, and anyway, she could talk. He was pretty sure Earth zebras didn't talk. Nor could Earth ponies, actually, but he wasn't about to start picking apart his alien theory at this point.

Zecora raised an eyebrow at the stallion's statement. While the word "alien" wasn't inaccurate - she was, after all, an immigrant - it was still an extremely unusual term to be applied to her. "I have followed your trail from the forest's heart, and your struggle just now gave me quite a start. Who are you, young pony, to wander these trees? I would like to hear your story, if you please."

"Oh, don't get me STARTED!" Ranma said, heaving another sigh. "I've been trying to track this couple of unicorns all day because they turned me into this, but then I got side-tracked. And by side-tracked I mean that I had to beat up pretty much every giant alien animal within five kilometers. Are Earth ponies some kind of major prey animal on this planet? I swear even a few of the BIRDS started pecking at me!" Then he paused. "Oh, by the way, my name is Saotome Ranma. I'm a human. Just not right now."

Zecora nodded slowly, understanding at least half of his explanation. "Well met Saotome, my name is Zecora. I am a shaman on a hunt for some flora. In this you have aided me, unintentionally no doubt, but may I ask what this conflict with unicorns is about?" She walked past the martial artist pony, toward the remains of the kraken lily. She felt it was unnecessary and unfortunate that Ranma had completely shredded the plant, but she certainly wasn't going to let this opportunity go to waste.

"It's kind of complicated, mostly because I'm still not sure how it all happened," Ranma admitted, following behind the zebra, "but the short story is, they turned me from a human into an Earth pony."

Zecora nodded again as she opened her saddlebags. "And what is a human, if I may ask? And how did your change aid them in their task?"

Ranma groaned as he considered that perhaps nobody on this planet knew what a human was. "It's like a mutant ape," he mumbled, remembering what the unicorn mare had called him, "but way smarter and better-looking. And apparently they changed me into THIS because none of their other spells worked on me. Although even after I was turned into a pony I was going to kick their asses, but then an alien lizard bit me."

"Hm-hmm..." Zecora hummed to let him know she was still listening as she picked through the corpse of the kraken lily.

"Look, it's pretty important that I find them. Mostly to change me back, but also because they have this magic rock that can destroy the world."

Zecora twisted her head around to look at him, one eyebrow arched.

"Well, I don't know if THEY'RE going to use it to destroy the world, but it totally can," Ranma admitted. "I mean, probably. Some guy told me it could. He was kind of a loser, though. As far as I know, all it does is teleport you to horrible nightmare planets where the cats have wings. Did you know the cats around here have WINGS?"

Zecora went back to her scavenging, gently picking up several lily flowers and settling them into her saddlebags. Then she pointed to a severed stem standing up in front of her. "Such botanical treasures are a considerable find. Could you apply pressure here, if you don't mind?"

Ranma watched as she took a glass vial out of her bags. "Okay, but seriously, these unicorns are bad news. Not only do they have a magic rock and run around turning innocent humans into ponies, but they're racists, too. Just because English is apparently good enough for the entire rest of the universe doesn't mean that other languages don't exist on Earth!" He bit onto the stem, and a dollop of golden sap oozed out of the defeated plant and into Zecora's vial. As soon as she pulled the bottle away, he spat out the stem. "I'm not a racist, though. Like, your rhyming thing? Totally fine with that. Unless that isn't a race thing and just something you do personally. Then I guess saying that was a little racist of me. But seriously, did you know the cats around here have WINGS?"

"I believe you speak of the manticore, quite well-known to wilderness lore," Zecora said as she settled her saddlebags back into place.

Ranma considered that for several seconds, his muzzle scruching up. "Oh... OH. Okay. Yeah, I saw one of those in a game once. I guess they do look like that." He scratched his head with his hoof. "Well, shoot. I'm not sure if I'm even supposed to be afraid of those, then. They're not really cats, are they? Geez, this is confusing."

"It is no surprise that your thoughts are hazy," Zecora offered, placing a hoof on Ranma's shoulder, "given that you are clearly crazy."

"I SWEAR, all this stuff made perfect sense when it was happening to me!" Ranma insisted.

"Your body is exhausted and your mind perturbed. Further, your travels have left the Everfree disturbed," the zebra explained, "follow me, Saotome, and we will wash and eat. You may rest until you are back on your feet." She started heading through the forest in the direction of her hut.

Ranma frowned, his ears pinning back as he followed. "All right, fine. But can you at least tell me what planet I'm on and what country I'm in?"

"Equiis is the name that this world is given, and of the nations in which it's riven, Equestria you find yourself in, although its claim on this particular forest is thin."

Ranma blinked. "Uh... Okay, English is my second language, but that grammar seemed weird to me."

Zecora shrugged. "Certain words are hard to rhyme. I must get creative from time to time."

A loud rustling came from off to the side, and Zecora froze. Her eyes darted to the noise, and she saw a rust-colored shape standing high above the brush as it floated forward. It was thin, hard, segmented, and tipped with a bulbous stinger.

"An Everfree scorpion approaches nearby," she whispered as she started backing up, "highly venomous, though not very sly."

"Oh, hey! I think I remember those from a game, too!" Ranma said as he walked forward instead.

Zecora's fur stood on end as Ranma walked up to the rustling bushes obliviously, making no effort to hide or retreat. The Everfree scorpion emerged from the brush, brandishing pincers like swords and an armored body that was easily the size of a pony stallion, although hanging much lower to the ground. It halted upon seeing Ranma waiting for it, and the massive arachnid hissed and reared its tail back.

Zecora was still working out a word to rhyme with "deadly" in her head when the scorpion struck, its stinger aiming straight for Ranma's chest.

Ranma's right foreleg lashed out with equal speed, and a loud SMACK echoed through the forest as his hoof knocked aside the stinger. Then he hopped over a pincer as the scorpion tried to eviscerate him, landing behind and to the side of the predator.

"I don't really remember how they fought the giant scorpions in the game," Ranma admitted as he struck out with one back leg. The Everfree scorpion was sent flying back into the bushes, landing upside-down and screeching angrily. "I'm not much of a gamer. I have to spend so much time in real life beating up monsters and Ninja and stuff that I don't really want to spend my spare time doing it, too."

He started walking away from the encounter, then paused and looked behind him. Zecora was still standing where she was when the scorpion had appeared. "Something wrong? I don't really know where we're going."

Zecora took a moment to clear her thoughts and shake off her surprise. In retrospect, given how he had savaged the kraken lily and apparently beaten numerous other Everfree predators, she shouldn't be so surprised that a giant scorpion was no challenge to him. But logical inference aside, to actually see a pony - an unarmed earth pony, at that - casually knock aside a monster without breaking conversation was quite a sight.

"Forgive my shock, and let's hurry along. I was not expecting you to be quite so strong." There was an element of subtle suspicion in Zecora's tone as she eyed the other equine, and her eyes lingered on the eight-pointed star that made up his cutie mark.

Ranma snorted and smiled. "Well, of course I am! I'm the best martial artist there is!" He let Zecora trot ahead of him to lead the way. "Although that's based on my home planet of Earth, and my real species, which is human. I might not be the best pony martial artist on Equiis. Although I hope I am. It would be really embarrassing to get defeated by something that looks like I do right now."

Zecora nodded absently, picking up her pace. Although Ranma had proven to be a generally decent pony so far, he was still obviously insane, and seemed to be slipping further into madness the more he talked. With luck, his insanity was just the symptom of some poison he had been exposed to as he blundered his way through the Everfree Forest, and she'd be able to cure him once she got back to her home. If not, then she'd probably have to pass off this patient to Twilight Sparkle in order to fix his mind. Or have him magically imprisoned so he doesn't wander around attracting and subsequently flattening every animal in the forest. Whichever.

"Oh! Hey! You have a tattoo on your leg too!" Ranma said. "What's up with those? Do they appear on their own? Is yours different because you're a zebra and I'm a human turned into a horse?"

Zecora hesitated several seconds to reply, wondering if she should even bother trying to explain something so basic as cutie marks to the stallion in his current state. Eventually she relented. "That 'tattoo' is your cutie mark, and it renders your special talent stark."

Ranma made a face. "Is that seriously what it's called? Who came up with that?"

Zecora shrugged. "Ancient equines from some forgotten age, lost in the annals of history I'd gauge. Every pony earns one when still small, and it defines their lives as they grow tall."

The stallion frowned again, staring back at his own cutie mark. "Okay... so what does mine mean? You said it's related to my talent and my life, right? I'm pretty sure my mark should be me punching a guy."

Zecora again cast a wary glance at her companion, but still failed to see any malice in his eyes. Apparently violence was simply such a normal part of his life that it held no particular stigma to him. "... It does not surprise me that you are at a loss. For your cutie mark... is the symbol for chaos."

It had taken longer than expected for Zecora to lead Ranma back to her home. In part because the crazy pony was constantly asking questions about the forest and herself, but also because the Everfree hadn't stopped throwing murderous predators after him. Two more scorpions, an elemental spider, a baby wyvern, and a bigger dire bear that was probably the enraged mother of the first one had all somehow homed in on her and her companion and decided to make them into snacks. This wasn't helped by the fact that Ranma kept talking, which rendered moot the surprising stealth with which he moved through the forest brush. But even taking his frequent rambling into account, there shouldn't have been that many predators all coincidentally within earshot, and at least some of them should have been warded away (or well-fed) by the broken bodies of other dangerous animals nearby.

Yet still they came, and Ranma soundly trounced them all. Only the wyvern seemed to warrant even his full concentration, and evidently that was only because the creature could fly; knocking out the beast had required a dizzying display of acrobatics and much bouncing between trees that Zecora was positive was beyond the abilities of the most agile pony acrobats and rangers. It's possible that whatever was driving the stallion mad also modified his physiology somehow.

Aside from the frequent attacks, though, she was surprised to find that Saotome Ranma wasn't terrible company. Certainly a pony as strong and capable as he was could have made a decent living for himself as a bandit if he'd been so inclined, but he hadn't shown her anything but gratitude and deference since they'd met. Nor had he been offended by her bluntly dismissing his sanity, which she must admit she could have been more diplomatic about.

Then again, if he had been rendered insane by Everfree poison as she expected, his benevolence might change once he was cured. Still, Zecora was always one to help those in need, even at risk to herself.

Finally, as the sun set beyond the trees, Zecora spotted her hut in the distance, as well as the brook that flowed next to it. She veered away from the path to the former in order to take Ranma to the latter.

"Over here is the space I use to wash up. Let us clean first, and then we shall sup." A wooden brush was hanging on a branch by a leather strap, and she took the handle in her mouth before pulling it free.

Ranma hesitated behind her. His bathing with a female was obviously controversial in human society, but what about for horses? Considering that Zecora was naked anyway - aside from the golden bangles, that is - it probably didn't make sense for him to be embarrassed, right? Right. Things shouldn't be weird.

Although things might be weird when the cold water turned him into a-

"THAT'S RIGHT!!" Ranma shouted suddenly. Zecora jumped in surprise, and then tumbled into the water while flailing her legs.

Ranma waited patiently for the zebra to emerge sputtering from the water, a grin plastered across his face. "I forgot about my curse!" he said brightly as she stared at him in confusion.

If Zecora hadn't long ago concluded that Ranma was insane, this would have sealed the diagnosis. Nobody should have been so happy to be cursed as he apparently was.

"Okay, it's like this: I was dropped into this magic pool in Jusenkyou, China. The pools curse people to turn into other things when they're splashed with cold water, and then they turn back with hot water!" Zecora said nothing, content to stare at him like he had grown another head. "I was dropped into the spring of drowned girl!" The zebra was still staring. "As in a female human!" Still staring. "Oh, whatever. I'll just show you." Ranma trotted up to the brook and then hopped in, landing at the edge of the stream.

Zecora wasn't expecting anything at all to happen, so she was genuinely shocked when Ranma's form did start to shift. As the water sloshed around his legs, the stallion's mane and tail turned from a jet black to a bright, brilliant red. The water had barely even touched his head, which meant that this wasn't the work of some bizarre mane coloring. And even if Zecora could easily dismiss the alteration in hair color, there were other apparent changes that were harder to explain as anything other than shapeshifting magic.

None of those changes, however, involved a shift into the primate family.

"God damn it." Ranma mumbled as she stared down at her dark-furred, equine legs. A glimpse of her pigtail and a glance down between her hind legs confirmed her immediate suspicions. "God DAMN it! The stupid pony curse changed my other curse? That's just not FAIR! Curses aren't supposed to work that way! I consider myself an expert on the subject!"

Zecora's bulging eyes swiftly returned to their normal size, and then she calmly retrieved her brush so that she and her new houseguest could clean themselves. "So it seems your claims were not COMPLETE delusion, although a form of madness remains my conclusion. Perhaps the insanity renders your thoughts half-true? This could help me determine what condition ails you."

Ranma's ears flipped down again as she slumped into the water. "Yeah, okay, fine. I sound crazy. I get it." She stepped deeper into the water, feeling relieved despite everything else that was wrong. Pony or not, Zecora had found her when she was a complete mess, and it felt good to wash all the gunk off of her. "I really do appreciate your helping me out like this, by the way. Most people I know wouldn't offer some guy they thought was crazy a meal and a bed. And I'm sure changing into a girl doesn't help, either. No, wait. Mare? That's the English word for a female horse, right?"

Zecora smirked. "Equish is what we call our speech here. And you've given me little reason for fear. Your curse is most odd, but I have seen stranger. Turning into a pegasus is no great danger."

Ranma nodded as she rubbed a spot of sap out of her foreleg with a hoof. "Yeah, okay, I guess..." she trailed off, and then raised an eyebrow. "Turning into a what, now?"

"You've suffered a great many troublesome things," Zecora explained patiently, "I can understand overlooking that you now possess wings."

Ranma snapped her head around, looking at her back. Sure enough, there were a pair of large, feathered wings folded against her sides. She twitched a muscle along her back, and one of them lifted slightly, exposing the joint that apparently attached them to her torso.

"So instead of boobs, I have wings. Okay, that's not a bad trade," Ranma said before she went back to scrubbing her coat.

Zecora tilted her head to the side. "What are these 'boobs' of which you speak?"

"I'd explain it but you already think I'm a freak," Ranma interjected.

The Zebra shaman jerked her head back. "Did you just finish the rhyme to my speech?"

"Yes. Can I have the brush? There's a spot I can't reach."

Zecora hesitantly held out the brush with her mouth, and Ranma tried to take it with her hoof. Unsurprisingly, it tumbled into the water the moment the zebra let go.

"Gah! Geez, I really miss having hands," Ranma mumbled before dunking her head in the water after it.

"I recall such a limb from seeing minotaur lands," Zecora said thoughtfully, "perhaps your madness stems from distorted memories?"

After a few seconds, Ranma's head emerged again with the brush in her jaws. She blinked as she saw Zecora looking at her expectantly. "... Sorry, what? My head was underwater."

Zecora's muzzle scrunched up as she glared at the martial artist.

"... Uh... can I help you... prepare the fodder?" Ranma tried, grinning nervously.

Zecora sighed before turning around and stepping out of the water. "Make sure to scrub well, and I'll be inside. The kraken lily's sap sticks well to your hide."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks."

Dinner was a fairly quiet affair for the two equines. Zecora simply wasn't given to aimless conversation, especially with a crazy pony. Meanwhile, Ranma devoted all of her attention to stuffing her face and replenishing the energy she had spent kicking her way through the Everfree. Honestly, the boiled forest greens were awful to eat, but Ranma was quite used to eating foraged scraps from the wilderness, and wasn't the sort to complain about free food anyway.

As Ranma used the serving spoon clenched in her teeth to shovel more greens onto her plate - and wondered to herself why ponies even had spoons when they were so awkward for them to use - Zecora stepped away from the table and walked over to a small iron cauldron sitting on a table stacked with bits of plants. She began dropping measured components and fluids into the container as Ranma continued to eat, and then stirred the concoction with a squat wooden stick.

After satisfying herself with the color and consistency of the fluid, she returned to Ranma with a bowl of the stuff. She set it down in front of her, and then slid an empty bowl up next to it.

Ranma gulped down her current mouthful, and then looked up at the zebra in askance.

"This concoction will aid my attempt to heal you, so finish your dinner and when you're through: swish this fluid vigorously within your maw. Spit it out once more when your tongue feels raw."

Ranma raised an eyebrow, and then scarfed down the remains of her dinner with impressive speed. "I'm guessing this 'healing' isn't about the cuts from fighting all the animals, is it?" She dipped her muzzle into the bowl and sucked up much of the fluid, then started swishing it around in her mouth. It was a light green substance, and was actually slightly sweet at first. As she continued to wash her mouth with the stuff, however, it started turning bitter.

"The potion is to test for toxins and such, many of which can give insanity's touch. Your mind has been disturbed, that much is clear. Now please, spit it out into this empty bowl, here."

Ranma felt the described "raw" feeling on her tongue, and duly spat out the strange liquid into the empty bowl.

Zecora blinked in surprise; the fluid was a slightly darker green than before, but hadn't changed color much at all. This indicated Ranma's bloodstream was perfectly healthy. That was most odd; the special herbs she had prepared for dinner should have helped saturate Ranma's saliva with any toxic substances that she had consumed or inhaled. Not only did this suggest that her insanity wasn't caused by any Everfree poison, but it also meant that she wasn't even suffering any effects from the ordinary assortment of spores and pollens that polluted the depths of the forest, many of which were mildly harmful with prolonged exposure. Ranma's physical vitality apparently extended far beyond her raw muscle power.

"This is most strange, but I have no doubt. You were not poisoned while out and about," Zecora admitted.

"Told you," Ranma said smugly, "so you believe my story now, right?"

"Not in the least. I'm as skeptical as ever," Zecora said flatly, "so I'm going to send you to somepony more clever."

Ranma groaned as her ears flipped down again. "You don't really need to do this, you know. I just need a meal and place to stay for tonight. Then I can go back to tracking down those unicorns."

"I insist that you at least hear me out. My intentions to see you restored are devout," the zebra insisted, "even if your mind is beyond our support, to Twilight Sparkle I insist you report. She is prodigy in magic and enchantments of all kind. She is quite intelligent and helpful, you'll find."

"Well, I suppose she might be able to help with this new curse," Ranma shrugged, "all right, you win. I'll go with you."

"I am pleased to hear you have relented to sense. I can guarantee Miss Sparkle's competence," Zecora said with a sagacious nod.

Ranma settled down on the floor next to the table, curling up on her side. "Well, I'll get some rest, then. See you tomorrow."

"You need not sleep on the floor. To share my bed is no great chore," Zecora said, gesturing to the rather large pile of bedding in the corner of the hut. She was going to make a wry comment about the arrangement being fine as long as Ranma was still a mare, but was interrupted by a soft snore.

The zebra blinked, realizing that Ranma Saotome was already asleep. It didn't surprise her so much after a moment of reflection; she was sure to be more tired than she let on after everything she had gone through (and possibly imagined going through) that day. And she seemed comfortable enough in the wilderness that a stiff wooden floor probably amounted to a luxury for her.

Zecora smiled slightly as she grabbed a blanket with her mouth and dragged it over the resting mare. Then she blew out the oil lamp that lit her hut's interior.

"Have a restful night, my friend Saotome. For I predict tomorrow shall be another rough day."

"Hmm, hmm-hmm hm hmmm-hmmm!" Swan Song hummed to herself as she sat in a tub full of hot water and suds to wash away the day's dirt and grime. A large copper brush floated over her back, wrapped in a glowing swirl of yellow power.

The trip back home from the ancient ruins had been delightfully uneventful. Rite had spent most of the walk staring at the MacGuffin Stone and muttering to himself, while Swan had been in charge of covering their tracks. It seemed she had done a decent enough job at it, too, since the simian-turned-equine that had been chasing them hadn't turned up since. Once they'd cleared the Everfree it was a short trip South to Rite's evil wizard tower in the hills.

Not that Rite called it an evil wizard tower. That was Swan's name for it. He seemed surprisingly coy about the title, despite the building being a darkened, crooked edifice of ebony stone from which he researched ancient magic and plotted the downfall of Equestria's rulers. What else would one call it? In any case, the tower had numerous magic protections should the transformed ape think to chase them this far.

Her thoughts drifted back to their polymorphed pursuer. The encounter with the ape had happened so quickly and shifted to a violent confrontation almost immediately, but she wished she had taken some time to ask him some questions. And she had a LOT of questions. The sudden appearance of a mysterious new primate species that spoke Equish was a tremendous find on its own, but the fact that he clearly came from the MacGuffin Stone somehow may mean that he had some kind of insight or connection to the artifact. That, in turn, may have provided some help with figuring out why the magic stone had lost its power.

Besides, he was REALLY cute as a pony.

"EUREKA!!" Rite shouted as he burst in through the door to the bathroom.

Swan Song yelped in shock and reflexively hurled the brush at the stallion with her magic. The brush bashed Rite in the nose and bounced off, causing him to stagger backwards.

Swan Song blushed as the brush hit the tile floor. "Eep! Mister Rite! Sorry! I just-"

Rite shook his head even as blood dribbled from his nose. "No time for that! I've found it! The key to the MacGuffin Stone!"

Swan Song blinked, but the crimson unicorn continued before she could speak. "There was a part of the translation I found confusing, but I understand it now that I've been able to observe the stone first-hoof! You see, the MacGuffin Stone requires a power source itself to function!"

Swan raised an eyebrow. "But isn't the stone ITSELF supposed to be a power source? What's the point if you need to charge it up first?" She floated a towel over to herself as she stepped out of the tub.

"The point is what it uses to charge itself!" Rite exclaimed with a grin. "The stone can capture living beings with extraordinary magical power, and then allow me to channel that power for my purposes!"

Swan wrapped the towel around her neck, and then draped another over her back. "Ah, ha! So that mutant ape was powering the stone, then?"

"Meh, I guess," Rite shrugged, "but now that I've decoded the spell for using it properly, we can adapt this ability to our advantage!" He chuckled darkly. "We'll launch a strike against our enemy, and reduce our target to a mere magic battery to serve our own agenda!"

"Oh, awesome!" Swan giggled as the towels scrubbed the water from her fur and mane. "Good thinking, Mister Rite! Who are we going to use?"

"For what we have planned, we'll need some SERIOUS magic power. Nothing less than the level of an Equestrian Princess will do," the red pony smirked. "Obviously, Princess Celestia and Cadance would be difficult targets, as they tend to stay in their castles behind heavy guard details. Luckily, we have... other options."

Swan Song matched Rite's chuckling as she flung her wet towels aside. "Twilight Sparkle it is, then! Soon she'll be out of the way, and fuel the very downfall of her teacher!"

Rite blinked, and then arched an eyebrow. "What? No. I said SERIOUS magic power. We can't settle for fourth place in the tetrarchy. We're trying to overthrow a country, here. I was talking about Princess Luna. Apparently she sometimes takes long walks through the forest fighting random monsters at night with hardly any guards."

"Oh, okay." Swan paused. "... I just thought you might want to go for Sparkle anyway, since she has a record of directly and quickly responding to threats against Equestria rather than having administrative duties to preoccupy her, or being nocturnal."

Rite walked up to the mare and patted her mane condescendingly with a hoof. "And that sort of thinking is why you're still an intern." He swung around and headed back to the door, pausing briefly to levitate a tissue from the bathroom counter and wipe his bloodied nose. "Make sure to get a nap in tomorrow, Swan Song, for tomorrow... the night shall be OURS!"

Author's Note

So, I believe an explanation of Ranma's cutie mark is in order before people start posting comments wondering about when daemons and Space Marines are going to show up.
When deciding what cutie mark Ranma should have, I eventually settled on the same symbol that Discord had on his scepter in that one episode. In this story it's a representation of chaos in the definitional sense (little c), and not a glyph for the darker powers. This is not a Warhammer crossover.

As for the story tags, even though Ranma is, nominally, a human, I decided against the tag since he's going to spend pretty much all of the story as a pony.

Finally, this story takes place before Season 4, because that was the last time that an antagonist stealing ponies' magic power could be considered remotely original.

Escape from the Acres

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 2

Escape from the Acres

Ranma had quite the jaded view of physics.

Really, that was hardly her fault. Even if she hadn't spent the majority of her life training her body far beyond the practical limits of the human form, she had an absurd amount of experience with magic and supernatural phenomena for someone who didn't call themselves a wizard. She had seen people crack open boulders with a single poke of the finger, men who casually fired bolts of pure force from their hands, and tiny, gnomish seniors that could demolish skilled warriors with contemptuous ease. So her idea of what was possible was not exactly grounded in scientific theory.

And turning into a flying horse was definitely not helping.

"Gah! This is way harder than I thought it'd be!" Ranma complained as her wings flapped desperately. She was flying just a few feet off the ground, right outside Zecora's hut. Well, less "flying" than "jerking around in the air and trying not to smash into any trees". She was finding it enormously difficult to put the proper amount of force into her wing flaps to maintain basic lift.

"Clearly, horses just aren't meant to fly. Not what nature intended," the martial artist pony said solemnly as she fell back onto her hooves. She closed her eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath.

"Well, the hell with you, nature! You never stopped me before, and I'm not going to let you mess this up for me now!" Ranma declared to the trees above in her native language. "If I have to be a horse AND a chick, at least I want to get flight out of the deal!"

With that declaration, Ranma leapt toward a tree and then deflected off of it, leaping to nearly the height of Zecora's roof. Then she spread her wings, catching the air and swooping into a glide.

"Ha-HAH!" the redheaded mare shouted triumphantly as she soared through the forest clearing.

Right into the forest non-clearing, and the thirty or so branches sitting directly at her flight level.

The branches snapped and tore as Ranma proceeded to prune the trees with her face, and even she was quite impressed by how many she broke through before she lost the last of her momentum and dropped onto the ground like a feathered stone.

"... Okay, well, those branches were totally in the way. Now they're not," Ranma mumbled as she stood up and spent a moment spitting out bark, "let's try that again."

"It's good that you are an early riser, but your flying practice could be wiser. The trees make aerial stunts complex, the air is humid and the currents vex."

Ranma glanced behind her to see Zecora walking out of her hut, a smirk on her face.

"Sorry, Zee. Did I wake you up?" Ranma asked, switching back to English as she sat down and shook the leaves out of her mane.

Zecora puzzled under the sudden nickname for a moment, and then shrugged. "It is no burden for me to be up at this hour, I greet each morning as a gift, no matter how sour." Then she poked a hoof at the redheaded pony. "Although I do not resent my waking, I wish to keep my home from quaking. Let us depart for Ponyville without delay. This forest will suffer if you stay."

Ranma really didn't see what the big deal was about shredding some branches, but nor did she have a reason to want to stick around. "Okay, if you say so. Let's go to..." Her face suddenly twisted into an expression of exasperation. "Wait, 'Ponyville'? Really?"

Zecora nodded silently as she passed the pegasus by. "That is what the pony village is called. Is there a reason your belief has stalled?"

Ranma turned to follow the zebra, folding her wings against her back into their resting state. "It's just silly. Who names a town like that? It would be like if Tokyo was called 'People City' or 'Humantropolis'. And I guess Nerima would be called 'Crazy Town'."

After a few seconds, the human-turned-equine continued. "Which it was, a few times. In the papers. And that one issue of National Geographic. And all of the real estate guides. But they were just making fun of us."

"I have not heard of any town by that name. Is this place real, or is your madness to blame?" Zecora asked, glancing back.

"Nerima is a real place. Just, you know, not on this planet," Ranma explained, "aaaaaand that didn't really help my case for being sane, did it?"

Zecora smiled as she turned back around. "So you think yourself from outer space? Part of some intergalactic alien race?"

"Nah, not intergalactic. At least, I don't THINK so. I have to be honest, I'm not totally sure how I got here," Ranma grumbled, "I'd tell you more about my species, but I don't think there's a point when you don't believe that I'm human in the first place."

"Whether based in madness or memories true, do not let my skepticism bother you," Zecora said encouragingly as they approached the edge of the Everfree Forest, "If you could, I wish to hear more of this far-flung race. Whether they are from your mind, or the depths of space."

Ranma brightened instantly. "Well, if you insist!"

So it was that Ranma spent the entire walk to Ponyville describing her native species to her equine acquaintance. She explained how humans ruled her home planet, covered it with cities and towns, and domesticated the terrible and horrific monsters known as "cats" (although in her opinion, the wretched creatures would have been better off left in the wild). She told her of the wondrous power of human technology, the rather reclusive and more annoying power of human magic, and how the latter may or may not have destroyed her entire world. She described how human society was divided into two classes of people: nerds, who ran everything important and did all the boring jobs, and fighters, who (other than herself, of course) usually wasted their time trying to kill other people over a love interest.

So it could be judged that Ranma Saotome's understanding of sociology was also somewhat warped.

Most importantly, Ranma explained how she had been raised to be the best fighter of them all, trained as the heir to the Musabetsu Kakutou Saotome Ryuu. Zecora had looked quite alarmed at the title, no doubt mentally searching for words to rhyme with if she was ever compelled to explain it to anypony else. Ranma put her mind at ease somewhat by explaining its English translation: Anything-Goes Martial Arts.

And then, before she could get to the part about the small tribes of humans who lived in closed societies and wielded magic and occasionally showed up in Nerima so that she could beat up their crown princes, their journey was over.

Ranma's eyebrow arched as she stared up at their destination. "Woah, this Twilight lady really lives in this tree?"

"Indeed, and it serves as the village's library," Zecora replied with a smile.

Ranma looked over at her, suddenly looking nervous. "Wait, are we doing the thing where we rhyme off of each others' sentences? Because I screwed that up before and you got mad."

The zebra chuckled as she stepped forward. "There is no need to be so anxious, my friend. The rule of my rhymes I am willing to bend." She knocked a hoof on the door. "It is still early, so the library is closed. Miss Sparkle should have time to have questions posed."

Ranma tilted her head to the side as they waited for the door to be answered. "... Oh, wait. I forgot something," the pegasus said suddenly, "I'm not really used to asking this question, but what IS Twilight Sparkle, exactly? I don't think we covered that."

"She is a pony Princess, an immortal equine, blessed with a body some consider divine," Zecora explained, "given the wings of a pegasus and a unicorn's horn, she is a subject of ponies' love and evil's scorn."

"... Pony Princess, huh?" Ranma mumbled, sounding completely unimpressed by the description. "Yeah, okay. Why not." She decided to defer any judgment on what a "Pony Princess" would be like and simply wait to meet her. She was still having a hard time taking any of this seriously, and the only reason she hadn't run off already was the distant hope of getting her human body back.

The front door opened, and Ranma's eyes shifted downward. A small, scaly, bipedal creature stood in the doorway, scrutinizing her and Zecora briefly before offering a warm smile.

"Hello, Zecora! Who's your friend?" Spike asked, giving a sidelong glance to the unknown pegasus. Ranma stared back, her expression unreadable.

"Saotome Ranma is this pony's name. A recent arrival, whom the Everfree couldn't tame," Zecora chuckled to herself, "I bring him to Miss Sparkle, for he is loon. By any chance might she be free sometime soon?"

Spike furrowed his brow as he stared at the pegasus. There were a few things odd about Zecora's introduction, but the thing that immediately stood out was that the pony in front of him didn't match the gender pronouns Zecora was using. Spike couldn't exactly check for sure from his angle (and anyway he knew better than to try that), but either Zecora had misspoken or this was the prettiest stallion he had ever met.

"This young dragon is Spike, ward of the Princess, a role which I hear entails its fair share of duress."

Spike grinned as he stepped aside. "It has its moments. Come on in! I'll tell Twi you're here!"

The two equines entered, and Ranma softly kicked the door closed behind her. The inside of the tree was, as had been explained, a library, with big bookshelves lining the walls.

Zee says "Princess", but I'm definitely getting a "geek" vibe from this place. Ranma thought to herself as she looked about.

"Oh, Zecora, hello! It's been a while since I saw you last!" announced a pleasant, feminine voice.

Ranma glanced up at the stairs and beheld the "divine body" of the Equestrian Princess: a lavender pony about the same size as she was, with a plainly styled dark purple mane that had a pink stripe in it. A starburst pattern surrounded in white sparks adorned her rear leg, and her tail, like her mane, was neat and simple. Although she did have both a horn and wings, Ranma couldn't really see a hint of royal elegance or divinity in the mare to match Zecora's claims.

Not that she thought the zebra might have been lying, or that Ranma particularly cared about Twilight's royal status, but still, she was going to stick with her initial assessment: Twilight Sparkle looked like a geek. Which was fine. Most of the royals she had met in her life had been lunatics and jerks anyway. It was actually quite a relief that Zecora's magic expert was a nerd with a good reputation.

"Greetings, Miss Sparkle, and good morning! I apologize for my lack of warning." Zecora bowed her head deeply. Ranma kept quiet. "I bring to you a pony in dear need of assistance, found wandering the Everfree despite all resistance."

Twilight chuckled a bit self-consciously. "Please, relax. You don't need an appointment or anything to see me, Zecora." Then she turned her attention to the unfamiliar face. "May I have your name, Miss?"

"It's Mister," Ranma said, "Mister Saotome Ranma."

Awkward pause.

"That will make sense eventually, trust me," the pegasus said as Zecora smirked.

"Oh... kay..." Twilight said, pursing her lips. "That's a very unique name. May I ask where you're from, Mister Ranma?"

"Japan, which is a human country on Earth, which is my home planet," Ranma stated calmly, "that part probably won't make sense, but it's true."

Twilight's gaze slowly tracked from the redheaded pony back to Zecora, her expression silently and desperately requesting further input.

"His troubles are complicated, that much is certain," the shaman chuckled, "may we talk - so to speak - behind the curtain?" She gestured up to Twilight's room.

The alicorn glanced between Zecora and Ranma, carefully noting the former's pleasant demeanor and the latter's mildly bored one. Deciding that there wasn't any particular danger in leaving Ranma alone with Spike, she started ascending the stairs again. "All right. Let's talk upstairs. Spike, could you get Mister Ranma some tea?"

"Okay, sure. I already put some on," the young dragon replied as Zecora and Twilight went upstairs. He left for the kitchen as the bedroom door closed.

Ranma was left without anyone to talk to or anything in particular to do. She briefly debated spying on Twilight and Zecora's conversation, but decided against it. Zecora hadn't been anything but helpful so far; she probably just didn't want the martial artist to hear a frank discussion of her sanity. It was pretty hard to imagine the apparent Princess and shaman secretly plotting against her.

Ranma turned to the books as the most obvious and immediate form of diversion. She was instantly disappointed.

"They're all in English. Of COURSE," she grumbled as she walked along the bookcases and looked over their spines. Ranma had learned to speak English quite well growing up during her long international training trip, since it was much, much easier to find people fluent in English than in Japanese. As much as that had helped, however, she hadn't had much formal instruction in the language, and hadn't had as much need to read it. Her reading skills in anything but Japanese were abysmal.

"Well, I suppose I should be pretty glad that I can still talk with everyone," she grumbled as she looked over the shelves packed with gibberish, "I hope I can get back home."

"Back home? Like, your home planet?" Spike asked as he waddled back into the room. He was carrying a tray with teacups and a steaming kettle.

"Yeah," Ranma said casually as she sat down on the floor, "not that this place isn't nice, but I've got stuff to do." That wasn't really true, but the lizard didn't need to know that.

Spike put the tray down on a table, and then fixed Ranma with a discerning stare. "So... you're a dude and an alien? Because you look a lot like a pegasus mare to me."

"Well, I am. Right now," Ranma admitted, "but that's the unicorns' fault. The pegasus thing is, I mean. Not the mare thing. That was someone else's fault. Long story. Anyway, as soon as I finish up here I'm going to track those two racists down and get them to change me back. Then I'll see about figuring out how to get back home. I think a magic rock might be able to do it."

Spike gave Ranma an odd look as he slowly poured some tea.

"Zee thinks I'm insane," the redhead mumbled.

"She's not the only one," Spike remarked. Then he shrugged. "Then again, I can't say it would be THAT weird. We've had a lot of strange things happen around here." Then he paused. "Soooo... what are you, then? When you're not a pony, I mean?"

"I'm a human," Ranma said proudly, pressing a hoof to her chest, "we're like monkeys, but BETTER."

"Ah. Right," Spike said skeptically, holding out a cup on a saucer.

Ranma stared for a moment, and then shifted his weight to her back legs. Then she lifted up her forelegs to try to take the cup. The resulting fumbling dropped first the saucer, then Ranma's face, and finally the teacup onto the floor.

"... I miss having hands," the redhead grumbled as she pushed herself up again.

"They ARE pretty great," Spike said smugly while flexing his claws in front of him.

The door to Twilight's bedroom creaked open, and Ranma's ears perked up.

"I now leave this poor equine in your care. His malady is strange, and most likely rare. If any can help him, I don't doubt it's you. I will be back tomorrow, to see if you're through." Zecora trotted down the steps ahead of Twilight, smiling warmly at Ranma to reassure her that everything was going to be fine. Ranma didn't really believe her, but the gesture was nice. "I am glad to have met you, Saotome. But for now I must get on with my day."

"That's fine Zee, and thanks for your help," Ranma declared as the Zebra passed by, "if any of those video game monsters in the forest come around again, let me know. I'll take care of them for you."

"I shall keep your offer in mind, but I strive to avoid such a lethal bind." The zebra bowed. "Farewell Saotome Ranma; may we meet again. If you regain your senses, come see me then."

"I'm really not crazy," the pegasus mumbled as Zecora exited the library. With a sigh, she turned to regard Twilight Sparkle.

"Sorry that it took a while. Zecora had to borrow a rhyming dictionary to give me your diagnosis," Twilight explained before clearing her throat, "so, you're suffering from false memories and perhaps partial amnesia, but Zecora found no evidence of neurotoxins or concussion."

Yeah, I definitely hit the nail on the head. Nerd. "Well, I don't think the memories are false, for what that's worth."

Twilight stared at Ranma silently, her eyes narrowing. "Hmmm ... My initial hypothesis is magical manipulation. You seem very calm, rational, and lucid for somepony being bluntly accused of being fundamentally insane. That doesn't quite explain the gender confusion, though. Enchantment magic shouldn't be THAT strong."

"Oh, did Zee not get into that? Weird, I can think of lots of words that rhyme with 'curse'," Ranma said, tilting her head to the side.

Twilight frowned. "There's no such thing as curses."

Ranma immediately started laughing, surprising Twilight. "Yeah, and there's no such thing as unicorns, either! But here we are, right?"

"...... What? What does that even mean? Why wouldn't there be such a thing as unicorns?" Twilight was completely perplexed by the comparison.

"Never mind. Inside joke, I guess," Ranma chuckled, "anyway, you can call it what you want, but it's real. My Jusenkyou curse turns me into a girl when I'm splashed with cold water. Or, in this case, a mare. I return to a man with hot water. Er, I mean... a stallion? Yeah. Geez, I never thought I'd need to know all these horse-related words..."

Twilight's horn glowed, and Ranma tensed up immediately. She relaxed somewhat when a quill pen and sheet of parchment floated over to the alicorn, with the former rapidly scratching against the latter.

"Are you writing about how crazy you think I am?" Ranma asked suspiciously.

"Yes. I need a clear evidence base to determine how extensive the delusions are, and hopefully to confirm your recovery after treatment," Twilight said. Ranma wanted to feel annoyed, but the perfectly pleasant tone Twilight used while discussing her alleged condition was strangely soothing. It felt kind of nice to have others going so far out of their way to help her, even if all of them were wrong.

Then the purple pony smiled brightly. "At the very least, though, we can confirm right away whether this so-called 'curse' is real. Spike, can you heat up a cup of hot water? Then we can-"

Ranma slapped a hoof on the edge of a saucer on the counter next to her. The cup on top of the saucer flew directly into the redhead's face, drenching her with hot tea before bouncing off of her head and landing on the floor.

Twilight's eyes bugged out and her jaw fell open.

"Wow..." Spike mumbled, clearly surprised and impressed as he beheld a male earth pony where before there was a female pegasus. "So, does this mean you actually ARE an alien?"

"Of course I am," Ranma said confidently. Even his voice was different and more obviously masculine. "Although that one might be harder to prove. I don't know if there's any kind of switch for that." He frowned as he looked back to Twilight. "Which reminds me, I really have to hurry this up and hunt down the pair of unicorns that zapped me."

Twilight took a few more seconds to stare, and then quickly scratched out several lines in her notes. "W-Well, I, uh, still don't know if this is a... curse, per say, but, uhm..." She shook her head, obviously flustered. "Okay! So obviously the gender switch is not a delusion! Good! This is progress!"

"You still don't believe me about the other stuff?" Ranma asked, frowning.

"I'm not sure," Twilight admitted, "on the one hoof, you don't appear to be lying, and the gender switch is clearly real. On the other hoof, there's a big difference between transformational magic and claims of extraterrestrial origin. There isn't any logical reason to believe that one extraordinary claim being true proves that another, unrelated, and even more extraordinary claim is also true." She paused briefly, looking over Ranma's body while trying not to look like she was looking over Ranma's body. "Uh... so... is the change..." she trailed off and broke eye contact, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward.

"Yeah, it's complete. Guy parts turn to girl parts and the reverse," Ranma said breezily. This was obviously not the first time he had fielded these sorts of questions.

Twilight immediately regained her earlier demeanor once it was obvious that Ranma wasn't uncomfortable with the topic. "I see! That's actually quite fascinating! I've never seen shape shifting magic like this before! Normally it shifts the body one way and stabilizes it with a passive mana construct, or creates a sort of bio-reactive 'glamour' that's mostly illusory! The amount of magic charge necessary to change your body back and forth based on such an arbitrary trigger mechanism must be enormous! Changelings can affect such shifts mostly at will, but in their case the cellular structure..."

NEEEEEERRRRRRRRRD... Ranma drawled in his head as Twilight babbled on about magic. She had long ago left the scope of English words he was familiar with, and he was starting to feel less like a patient and more like a science experiment. Time to nip this in the bud.

"Yeah, look, the curse is a big deal, but honestly I've mostly gotten used to it," Ranma interrupted just as Twilight was getting to the principles of organic transmutation, "if you can cure it, great. If not, whatever. What I'm really worried about is the spell the unicorn lady hit me with."

Twilight blinked. "Uh, okay..." she took up her quill and parchment again with her telekinesis. "Can you describe the incident for me?"

"Sure. Well, kind of. It was really confusing," Ranma admitted, scratching his head with a hoof, "I woke up in these underground ruins, and there were these two unicorns there. Talking unicorns." He paused at seeing Twilight furrow her brow. "Right. That isn't exactly weird to you, I guess. Anyway, they start freaking out and calling me a mutant ape, and then they started attacking me with magic. There was this red stallion that tried first, but his attacks were pretty weak and didn't work. Then this green mare gave it a shot and yelled..." he paused again, frowning. "Uh... paw... pall? It started with a 'P'."

"Polymorph?" Twilight guessed. "That's the go-to spell for changing a form offensively, although it's a very difficult one."

"Yeah, I think that was it!" Ranma agreed. "Then: BAM!" He smacked the table next to him, and the surface instantly broke in half, spilling a tea pot onto the floor. "Next thing I know, I'm a horse!" Ranma scowled and lowered his head. "... Sorry about the table."

"Oh, it's no problem. Spike, could you clean that up?" Twilight asked, still scribbling down notes. The purple dragon sighed as he looked over the multiple tea stains, annoyed at seeing his earlier work mostly used to create later work.

Twilight finished writing with a nod. "Okay, so you said you 'woke up'? Where did you fall asleep?"

"On my planet, right before this kid I knew was about to destroy it with some magic rock," Ranma said irritably. Twilight's eyes widened again. "Oh, right, that might be important too: the unicorns that did this to me also have this gem called the 'MacGuffin Stone'. It can destroy a planet. Maybe. And teleport guys to other planets. Probably. The kid I knew said it needed some kind of power source to work, though, and the mare was complaining about how it had no power left. So it might not be important. Or your planet could be on the verge of total destruction. Not sure."

On the parchment in front of her, Twilight had drawn out three columns to organize her notes: one labeled "Facts", the next labeled "Plausible Claims", and the last labeled "Crazy Talk (Probably)". The final column was filling up fast and had the words "MacGuffin Stone" at the bottom, underlined and surrounded by question marks.

"Okay, maybe we should focus on the polymorph spell after all," Twilight said with a nervous smile, "the rest of the events surrounding your arrival seem... less verifiable." Then she cleared her throat. "I'm going to perform a simple spell on you to detect magic enchantments. That may not necessarily tell me WHAT spells you're under, and I'm certain it will return a positive given your... 'curse'," she said the word uncomfortably, like it left a bad taste in her mouth, "but it will still return helpful information."

Ranma nodded slowly. "Okay... will it hurt?"

"Not at all," Twilight assured him as her horn lit up with a purple glow, "I can promise you that this spell is completely safe and harmless." She spoke with the utmost confidence and a warm, reassuring smile as she cast her spell.

Which is why Ranma was so surprised when he was horribly and painfully electrocuted.

"HYIII-AH-AH-AH-AH-AAAAAAAUGH!!" the martial artist screamed as arcs of power writhed around him, and his skeleton briefly flashed through his skin as he flailed about in agony.

Twilight also screamed in surprise, although her shock was somewhat less dramatic and much less literal. Spike merely flinched away and shielded his eyes, hoping that he wouldn't have to clean up a dead body along with the table and broken tea set.

After several seconds of uncontrolled magical lightning coursing through him, Ranma landed back on the floor on his side. Smoke wafted from the ends of both his mane and tail braid, and his body twitched and spasmed in pain.

"Oh my Celestia! I am so sorry! How did that even happen?" Twilight cried, her eyes tearing up at the sight of the smoldering stallion.

Ranma coughed up a cloud of black smoke, and then tilted his head slightly to look up at her. "So... that wasn't SUPPOSED to happen?"

"NO! Absolutely not!" Twilight said, prancing anxiously from hoof to hoof as her head swung left and right. "Wait! My first aid kit! I have burn tonic! And bandages! I can-"

"Calm down," Ranma said flatly as he sat up again, "I'll walk it off when we're done here. Did it work?"

It took Twilight a moment to answer, as she was slightly incredulous that he was in state to walk, much less "walk it off". If the big black scorch mark that now decorated her floor was any indication of the amount of amperage he had just absorbed, he was quite lucky to still be alive. "Uh... well... let me think..."

Ranma gave her plenty of time as he started dusting the soot off of his coat. Spike, meanwhile, left the room to gather up all the tools he'd eventually need to clean up after Twilight's newest guest.

"Okay, well... no matter how I think about it, my spell shouldn't have been able to cause that discharge. The elemental mechanics and energy translation are all wrong," Twilight said as she chewed her lip nervously, "which means that it was a magic reaction."

"Which matters... why?" Ranma asked.

"It means that there's some magic in you already BESIDES the gender-switching enchantment and this alleged shape shifting spell. My own magic didn't zap you, but apparently it agitated something else in your body," Twilight explained, trying her best to used laypony's terms.

Ranma considered her words carefully. "... So, it's like a... magic allergy?"

"That is... actually a very good way to put it, yes. Let's call it a magic allergy," Twilight said with a shaky smile, "it seems your 'allergy' didn't like my diagnostic spell and released an electrostatic discharge to disperse it. An EXTREMELY energetic reaction if I've ever seen one, too. I'm, uh... quite certain that we should have you looked at by a medical professional."

"Sure. I'll do that later," Ranma lied, "so where do we go from here? Can you change me back into a human?"

This gave Twilight pause. "Well... the thing is, without knowing the specifics of why and how your reaction occurred, I can't guarantee that a spell to neutralize a potential polymorph transmutation - or, for that matter, the proven aquatranssexual enchantment - won't cause an equally adverse reaction."

"So there's a chance it could cure me, or it might just zap me again?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow. "No problem. Go for it." He stood up and braced his legs, his eyes narrowing.

Twilight gulped. "I... don't know if I'm comfortable with this course of action. I could seriously hurt you! There are other tests I could run that might take longer, but are almost certainly safer! Let's run some of those first, and-"

"I don't have time for that," Ranma interrupted with a snort, "look, if you don't want to try it, you don't have to. But I'm a busy vagrant and there's a pair of probably evil horses out there in need of a beating. So if you won't do your spell, I'm leaving."

Twilight winced. "That also reminds me that we haven't fully explored your mental condition..."

"The only mental condition I have is being MAD, because I don't have HANDS anymore," Ranma insisted, "so, what's it going to be?"

Twilight looked around the room, as if hoping she would find somepony else to help talk some sense into the pigtailed stallion. "... Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you want me to do this? You could DIE!"

Again, Ranma snorted. "I've almost died for WAY worse reasons than this. Hit me, Sparkle."

The purple pony wet her lips, took a deep breath, and then nodded. "Okay. If you insist. I... I'll do everything I can to ensure I don't hurt you again, but I need you to understand that you're subject to a magical condition that I may not be able to regulate or predict."

The martial artist looked somewhat surprised by her admission. "Wow. Uh... okay... Thanks. Most people who almost kill me aren't NEARLY this nice about it." Then his stance firmed again. "Go ahead. I'm ready."

Twilight backed up a few steps, and once again her horn began to glow.

Zecora waved pleasantly to Fluttershy as she spotted the pegasus filling the bird feeders on the edge of her property, near the rear of her cottage. The yellow pony seemed surprised at first, and then arced a wing up in a return wave before flushing and quickly going back to her chores.

The shaman continued on her course toward the forest, and then paused at the edge of the tree line. She glanced back at the village of Ponyville, and her eyes settled on the boughs of the library that rose just a bit higher than the surrounding treetops. Whether Ranma was a victim of hysterical delusions or a series of bizarre and generally violent magical incidents, she was sure that there were many secrets surrounding the cursed pony that needed to be uncovered. Not that Ranma himself was hiding things; he was, quite frankly, more honest and forthcoming than a pony in his situation really should be. But his understated and casual strength, and the violence of his passage through the Everfree, had convinced her that there was a subtle importance to Saotome Ranma.

But whatever his condition, and whether Ponyville was the beginning or the end of his journey, Zecora was sure that Twilight Sparkle could unravel the mysteries that clung to the pigtailed stallion.

And then Twilight's house exploded.

Fluttershy shrieked and ducked onto the ground, and Zecora flinched back as an enormous fireball blasted up over the tree that hosted Ponyville's library. Flaming branches were flung into the sky every which way, and a smoldering object rocketed into the air while trailing black smoke. A tremendous roar swallowed the village briefly, and Fluttershy's animals scattered every which way in terror and confusion.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Discord shouted from the cottage.

Zecora started backing away, her mind reeling. Had some sort of fight broken out between Ranma and Twilight? She could hardly fathom such a thing. Even if Ranma's sanity had proven much more badly frayed than she'd guessed, Twilight wasn't the sort to fling around massive magical explosions at the first sign of danger, especially not in her own home. Perhaps some third party had attacked? The unicorns Ranma was talking about?

Zecora shook her head and set her jaw. Speculating from afar wasn't going to help anything. She had to make sure Twilight was safe and get to the bottom of this before things got worse.

And then things got worse.

A low, rumbling growl rolled out of the forest behind her, as if in answer to the earlier detonation. To her side, Zecora caught sight of Fluttershy's animals again taking flight. This time, however, rather than the general confused, scattering retreat prompted by the explosion, they all fled in a similar direction. The caretaker pegasus herself released a high-pitched squeak as her eyes bulged in fright, focused on a spot within the forest behind Zecora.

Then, Zecora heard them: heavy footsteps and snapping branches. It was the sound of something traversing the forest that was much too large to do so without tearing its own path through the ancient trees and choking brush. Given how large many Everfree creatures were, the forest paths were adapted to allow for their passage, and it was only the truly massive beasts that couldn't navigate the Everfree without making its own.

With a deep breath and an ever-increasing sense of dread, Zecora turned her head toward the approaching sounds of destruction.

The creature was enormous, obviously, its head sitting thirty feet off the ground in a bipedal stance. Two thick legs ended in three-toed feet that crushed smaller trees to splinters and boasted long, curved talons. Its arms were altogether smaller, but still quite large and powerful, and it was with these that the beast pushed the larger flora out of its path or slashed through branches with serrated claws. Its head was blocky and - naturally - full of vicious, knife-like teeth, while at the other end was a long tail topped with bony fins. It had an obviously reptilian nature, but given its size Zecora was quick to conclude that this monstrosity was related to the dragons in some way. Thick, gray scales like slabs of stone armor covered the creature from head to tail, while a crest of dark bone added a few more feet to its total height.

It took a few moments for Zecora to place the species as she watched it emerge from the trees, shoving them aside as a pony might push away some tall grass. The trees were uprooted and shattered, breaking upon the ground to be crushed into pulp beneath the monster's tread.

"By the sisters of dusk and dawn, this animal... is a dragonspawn."

The dragonspawn passed her, its massive golden eye rolling down to stare at the zebra as it walked by. Its pace didn't slow at all, and its attention quickly broke away from the striped equine without incident. Whatever the creature's purpose, Zecora concluded, it hadn't emerged to cause general havoc or seek food. It completely ignored Fluttershy, her home, and the veritable stampede of animals sprinting away.

Its eyes were fixed on Ponyville, and the pillar of smoke that marked out the town library.

Ranma lay on his back, staring up at the sky.

His vision was a little hazy, on account of the smoke. And the intense concussive force of his landing. Probably a little more of the latter than the former, since the smoke immediately above him was clearing up pretty quick.

Still, as his sense returned to him he could tell that he had made the transition from inside and surrounded by a single large tree to outside and surrounded by several normal-sized trees. The events that had led to that transition had been very loud and had involved fire.

"I got better flight distance as an Earth pony than as a pegasus!" Ranma observed, chuckling to himself. "Heh heh heh... ow. It hurts to laugh."

With a pained grunt, Ranma rolled to his side so that he was lying on his belly rather than his back. He was dug into the end of a long furrow in the dirt, and a glance behind him revealed that there were numerous trees that had been knocked over or smashed by his landing. A curl of dark smoke rose into the sky in the direction of the furrow, indicating that the library he had been explosively ejected from probably hadn't fared well in his exit.

And to add insult to injury - to say nothing of the collateral damage - he was STILL a pony.

"Damn it. All that exploding for nothing," Ranma grunted before he started brushing off dirt and soot. Then he paused as something else occurred to him. "I hope Sparkle's okay. I'm pretty sure she was even less prepared for that than I was." Sure, the pony Princess had twice hurt him rather badly with her magic, but she'd been super nice about it. That was worth a lot, in Ranma's opinion.

"Well, I guess I'd better go check on her," he mumbled as he pushed himself up. Turning toward the smoke, he started trudging back toward Ponyville.

His hoof bumped against something on the ground. This wouldn't have distracted him normally - he was very experienced in these sorts of impacts, and debris around the landing site was common - but the object's bright red color caught his eye. It was an apple. It didn't take much exploration for him to realize that the ground was, in fact, littered with apples jarred loose from his landing, and that the surrounding trees were all apple trees.

This was interesting, but not especially important. Or, at least, it didn't seem like it until he heard a shout of distress from behind him.

"WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOIN' ON, HERE?!"

"Twilight! Twilight! Are you okay? Please, wake up! You have to wake up!"

"Oh, geez! C'mon Twi! Pull it together, girl!"

Twilight stirred as she heard voices shouting above her, along with nudging sensations against her legs.

Her aching, searing legs.

"Wh-What... What... happened?" the alicorn mumbled as he eyes started fluttering open. She heard voices above her, but her ears were ringing and she couldn't make any of them out.

"Oh, thank Celestia you're all right," Spike let out a relieved breath and stopped tugging on Twilight's leg.

"I told you she was okay!" Rainbow Dash said with a firm nod. "That explosion barely scratched her!"

Twilight's eyes snapped open as the past few minutes all fell back into place in her thoughts. "Explosion?!" She tried to jump to her hooves, but immediately got dizzy and fell back over again.

"Easy, Twi! Just calm down!" Spike insisted. "You're okay! Somehow! Everything's going to be fine!"

Twilight found that mildly reassuring, if not rather surprising. "I remember a flash of light, and then releasing a barrier spell I had set to protect myself. But... where AM I? What happened?"

"You landed under my place," Rainbow Dash explained. She was hovering overhead, and occasionally cast nervous glances to the side. "As for what happened, I was hoping you could tell me. Spike just said you blew up some guy."

Twilight's fur spontaneously turned several shades lighter. "Oh, Celestia... I blew up Saotome!"

Rainbow furrowed her brow. "What's a 'Sow-toh-may'?"

"That's the guy she blew up," Spike explained.

"Weird name. So what'd he do?" the pegasus asked.

Twilight shuddered, and a few tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. "He asked me to cure him!"

"Oh. Well... Mission accomplished?" Rainbow offered a half-smile, trying her best to inject some levity into this unmitigated disaster. "I'm pretty sure he's not sick anymore."

"AAAAAUGH!" the lavender Princess collapsed onto the ground, covering her eyes with her hooves. "This is horrible! I killed him! I actually killed a pony who was asking me for help! I'm a murderer!"

"Nah, that's not murder," Rainbow Dash scoffed, "if you didn't mean to do it, then it's 'ponyslaughter'. Totally different. Hardly any jail time." She paused, and her eyes darted back and forth. "Don't ask how I know that."

"This isn't about going to prison, Rainbow!" Twilight growled, glaring up at her friend. "I just ended an innocent pony's life!"

"Besides, there's no way she'd do time," Spike reasoned, "she's a Princess, remember? Pretty sure she could get away with ACTUAL murder."

"Not helping, Spike!" Twilight groaned as she collapsed onto the ground again. Her body ached, her head throbbed, and her ears were still ringing slightly, but such physical discomfort seemed paltry compared to the guilt weighing down on her like a lead saddle. "Why didn't I refuse? I knew it was dangerous! This can't possibly get any worse!"

Spike sucked in a breath through his teeth.

Twilight's hearing hadn't recovered well enough to catch the subtle sign of anxiety, but she was quite aware that her friends fell silent rather than refuting her claim or trying further to comfort her. "...... Right?"

"So. You remember how you blew Saotome up inside the library, right?" Spike asked, fiddling with his claws.

Twilight jumped into the air and whirled around, her wings flapping and her expression even more deeply horrified. "MY HOUSE!! MY BOOKS!!" she shrieked.

Indeed, the Golden Oaks Library was a towering inferno. Flames leaked from every window and danced along every branch, and one wall was entirely blasted open. A column of smoke wound upward into the sky, high and dark enough to be seen from Canterlot. Ponies were gathered in clusters in the streets, gaping at the sight from a safe distance away.

"... I'm fine, by the way," Spike mumbled, "fire resistance. Dragon. Yeah."

Twilight wasn't listening. She moved to take a step toward the library, then stopped and took a step in a different direction. Then her head whirled the other way. She stuttered the entire time, and her eyes spun in their sockets.

"Twi! Cool it!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Look, I already have Thunderlane on it! The rest of the weather team is getting some rain clouds to put this out! They should be here in just a few minutes!"

"The books! What about the books?!" Twilight howled, practically dancing on the spot with her eyes wide and pleading.

Rainbow Dash cringed. "Let's not worry about that just yet, okay? The important thing is that everypony is okay."

"Except for that guy you killed," Spike added.

"Spike! Not helping!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Anyway, we'll be able to contain the fire before it spreads, so NOW things can't get any worse."

A terrified shriek came from deeper in the village, and Rainbow Dash slapped a hoof against her face. "Aw, SERIOUSLY?"

"MONSTER!!"

"EVERYPONY, RUN!!"

"IS THAT A DRAGON?!"

"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!!"

Twilight jumped into the air and spread her wings as a veritable stampede of ponies galloped through the streets, letting them pass underneath her. Rainbow Dash was already building altitude, trying to get a better view of the town past the smoke column, and Twilight followed her lead.

Spike was still down there, but she was pretty sure he'd be fine.

"Oh, ponyfeathers," Rainbow Dash cringed, staring at the enormous gray shape tromping through the village, "I hope you've got a few more magic explosions left in you, Twi."

Twilight spared a moment to glare at the pegasus. "I didn't blow up Saotome on PURPOSE, Rainbow!"

"Well, if you want to start blowing things up on purpose, now would be a pretty good time. Just saying."

Growling lightly, Twilight glared down at the dragonspawn making its way through Ponyville. "...... Okay, something's off, here. I don't think that thing is attacking Ponyville."

Rainbow shot her a look. "You'd have to argue with all the ponies fleeing for their lives on that one, Twi."

Twilight shook her head. "But look. It's not chasing them. It's not smashing any houses or causing any extra damage."

Rainbow Dash thought about pointing out that the beast was causing plenty of damage just walking through town; its feet smashed carts to splinters and its tail shattered windows just by brushing against adjacent houses. As she considered Twilight's argument, however, she admitted to herself that it did seem pretty strange. The dragonspawn was traveling by road and constantly sniffing the air, but hardly gave any attention to the shrieking equines running away from it.

"So, what, is it just passing through?" Rainbow asked.

Twilight's expression tightened as she tracked its path. "I doubt it. Even the larger monsters know better than to just wander through a populated area. It almost seems like it's... looking for something."

The mares continued watching for several seconds as the enormous beast turned a corner, its tail smacking a pair of vendor stalls and smashing them apart.

"So, should we do something, or what?" Rainbow asked impatiently.

"Hold on... it looks like it's heading toward... the library?" Twilight mumbled.

The dragonspawn growled as it raised its head to the sky, following the column of smoke rising from the tree house. The sound nearly shook the windows of the houses nearby; or, at least, those that hadn't already been blown out by the library's explosion.

The beast inhaled deeply, its nostrils flaring as it swept its head left and right.

Its target had been here. Recently, in fact. But it had left.

The dragonspawn caught a lingering trail of sulfur in the air, and it grabbed on to the side of the burning library to pull itself up straighter as its nose searched the sky. The flames licked at its scales, but the heat didn't even irritate the monster.

A new trail.

With a short, angry roar, the dragonspawn whipped around and stomped off once more down the street, moving even faster and with more purpose than before.

It was now headed straight for Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack stared slack-jawed at the scene of devastation that had cut through her orchard. Trees were uprooted, the ground had been carved open, and her apples, the literal fruits of her labors, were littered all over the dirt, smashed and dirty.

She didn't know what to make of any of it. Her immediate, emotional response was dismay and anger, and her instincts led her to direct this response at the unknown stallion standing in the middle of it. She had a hard time constructing any sort of rational accusation, though; how had this pony cut a trench through twenty feet of orchard and smashed apart half a dozen trees? Why would he do such a thing? He also looked badly scorched and rather haggard. Was he maybe a victim of... whatever had happened here?

Applejack fell back onto her haunches, looking dizzy as she stared.

Ranma was frozen like a deer in the headlights, mentally braced for a barrage of angry accusations or a violent assault. Nothing came, however. This new pony was a bright orange mare with three apples for a cutie mark, a shining blond mane, and an absolutely ridiculous-looking American cowboy hat, and she seemed too confused to be upset.

Applejack scratched her head under her hat, and then pursed her lips as she looked over the stranger. "Um... ya all right, sugarcube? Ya look like ya just crawled straight outta Tartarus."

Ranma had to restrain a snort at hearing the mare's rural American accent. Apparently the aliens around here were fans of Earth Westerns. Go figure. "Oh, you know. Been better." He glanced up in the direction he had come. "Not one of my best landings."

Applejack furrowed her brow, and her eyes darted over to her damaged land again. "Landin'?"

"Yeah. There was an explosion. Not my fault, though," Ranma explained. His body was still tensed, ready to sprint away at a moment's notice, but he felt compelled to stay and explain himself. He was guessing this pony had something to do with the farm he had obviously landed in, and she had been very understanding and patient so far in not immediately blaming and attacking him for the damage. He figured she at least deserved an explanation before he ran off.

Applejack looked over toward the town, spotting the curl of dark smoke coming from the middle. She looked back toward the stallion. She glanced down at the trench in the dirt.

"... Who ARE you, anyhow?" the farmer finally asked, setting her jaw into a frown.

"Saotome Ranma," Ranma said curtly. He decided to refrain from any elaborate addition to the introduction, such as "lost human-turned pony", "visitor from another world", or "martial artist horse". Every pony he had talked to (plus the lizard kid) had decided he was a loon after hearing his story, so it was probably best to withhold certain details until necessary if he didn't want to get thrown into some kind of sentient animal crazy house.

Applejack tilted her hat back. "Name's Applejack. And this here orchard you... uh... landed in, apparently, is mah farm: Sweet Apple Acres."

"Nice to meet you," Ranma said, still obviously tense, "sorry about the trees. Accident."

This prompted Applejack to take another look at the distant smoke, and then the impact zone of Ranma's landing. She again met Ranma's eyes, her own expression teetering between suspicious and concerned. "Ya say there was an EXPLOSION, and ya ended up crashin' here? Ya expect me to buy that?"

Now Ranma was confused. "What do you mean? What else could have happened?"

"Well, Ah don't rightly know. But ya look pretty spry fer somepony who just blew up and crash-landed near a mile away," Applejack drawled, "though ya do look pretty roughed up. Ya sure ya didn't hit yer head?"

Damn. She thinks I'm crazy anyway. Ranma groaned. "Well, yes, I did, but I'm fine." The mare's eyebrow arched up, and Ranma pointed toward Ponyville in an attempt to change the subject. "Not sure about Sparkle, though. I should really go and check on her."

Applejack's demeanor changed instantly. Her eyes widened, and Ranma swore that her hat actually jumped on her head. "Sparkle? Twi's in trouble? What happened to her?"

"She's the one who blew me up," Ranma explained, "she was pretty close, so she might have caught the edge of the blast. Don't know."

For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why this caused Applejack to stumble and then stare at him in shock. These all seemed like perfectly clear-cut, simple concepts to him. What was this pony's deal?

Applejack was still struggling to piece together her next incredulous question when a furious roar erupted from the edge of the orchard.

"Aw, geez, really? I thought I was done with monsters already," Ranma grumbled as his ears twitched. He couldn't see whatever was causing the ruckus, but judging by Applejack's increasingly rattled expression, it wasn't anything that usually happened around here. He wondered if he was EVER going to get the chance to go back to chasing after those unicorns.

Heaving a sigh, Ranma chose a good branch and then leapt up onto it. Applejack was quite impressed by the feat, as she had never seen a non-pegasus make such a jump and alight on a tree branch like some kind of bird. Still, she was mostly concerned with the sound of distant apple trees being smashed aside.

"What in tarnation is goin' on here?" Applejack demanded. "Ah got ponies fallin' from the sky, stories 'bout Twilight explodin', and now some kinda big critter tearin' up mah orchard?!" She stomped the ground irritably and glared up at Ranma. "Whaddya see, anyhow?!"

Ranma sat on the tree branch, his jaw hanging open. "It... It can't be..."

Applejack blinked, and then she gulped. "Wh-What is it?"

The gray stallion slowly raised a foreleg, his entire body trembling. "It's... It's..."

"What? What's comin'?!" Applejack asked, the hair on her back standing up.

"GOJIRAAAAAAAA!!" Ranma howled, pointing the hoof off into the distance and flailing his other foreleg.

Then he froze, glancing down at the farmer below. She looked as confused as ever.

"... No? Nothing?" Ranma asked, looking disappointed. "Okay, well, where I come from, that would have been HILARIOUS. Trust me."

Then a fireball blew up the apple tree he was sitting on.

"OW! OW! DAMN IT!" Ranma hit the ground on his side, and then quickly rolled across the ground to put out the licking flames that had found purchase on his tail and mane. A bone-chilling roar blasted over the orchard as bits of flaming wood and scorched apples bounced across the dirt, but Ranma concentrated on preventing further burn damage.

"What in Sam Apple's name is THAT? That a dragon?!" Applejack cried as she backed away from the enormous form plowing through her orchard. Unlike the Everfree forest, the trees of the Apples' farm were planted as densely as possible, and no allowance was made for enormous predator-beasts that might have wanted to walk through. Apple trees were splintered and uprooted two or three at a time as the dragonspawn pushed forward, relentless in its fury.

Ranma jumped to his hooves and shook himself, and then groaned as twinges of pain rolled over his body. He hated to admit it, but the ordeal at Twilight's place, followed by the landing at Applejack's place, had taken its toll on him already. If this new monster had showed up in the morning, when he was fresh from a good night's sleep, then he would have gladly taken the opportunity to run rings around it and maybe try out some new martial experiments with his pegasus form and its wings. At present, the only experiment he wanted to try out with his new wings was flying far, far away from this thing.

Whatever. First things first. Clear out the farmer chick.

"Hey, Apple! Get clear!" Ranma shouted as he considered a list of diversions to attract the dragonspawn's attention. "I'll draw this thing away from-"

The dragonspawn roared and clutched an apple tree with one of its forearms, ripping it straight out of the ground. It flung the obstacle straight at Ranma, not paying the slightest attention to the much closer and brighter-colored pony off to the side.

Ranma hopped up before the apple tree crashed beneath him. It bounced off the dirt, and then hit another tree hard enough to knock its apple harvest down. "Okay, never mind," he grunted as he landed, "looks like it's after me. That's convenient."

The dragonspawn roared, and flames blasted from its maw as it stomped another tree to a pulp of wood and apples and shouldered its way forward.

"... Yeah, real convenient," Ranma grumbled while he galloped away.

Applejack watched with wide eyes as the dragonspawn chased after the strange trespasser, ignoring her completely. A trail of shattered apple trees and upturned ground lay in its wake, and that path of destruction could only grow as the beast tore a path after the agile gray pony it sought.

Applejack had very strong feelings about this turn of events, but couldn't help but feel that she was reflecting upon it from a point of profound ignorance. She just had too many questions. Who was this mysterious pony? Did he really survive a landing that could knock over a full-grown apple tree? Did Twilight really blast him with magic? If so, why? What connection did any of that have with the thing rampaging through her apple orchard? What WAS that thing, anyway?

"Applejack!"

The farmer snapped her head up, and she was fairly relieved to see Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash hovering overhead.

"Oh, thank Celestia you're okay!" Twilight heaved a sigh and then turned her head, watching the dragonspawn's progress through the orchard. "I wonder what happened? It's headed out of the farm now, and seems way more agitated than-."

"Hey, Twi!" Applejack interrupted. "Ya know a gray stallion? Dark mane in a braid? Some kinda arrow wheel cutie mark?"

Twilight cringed. "Uh... yes. I know him."

"Knew him," Rainbow Dash corrected.

Twilight shot her a glare, and then glanced back down at Applejack. "Did you meet him earlier this morning?"

"Naw, Ah met him just now. 'Fore that big'un over there started chasin' him through the orchard." Applejack pointed a hoof at the trail of trampled trees, and she raised an eyebrow as Twilight's eyes bulged. "Did ya really blow him up? What'd he do?"

"Oh, snap! He's alive?" Rainbow asked.

"Yeah, he is," Applejack confirmed. Then she once again turned her head to stare at the wake of the dragonspawn. "Not fer long, if we don't do somethin'."

Twilight's head snapped up toward the dragonspawn's back. "He's alive?! Really?!" She promptly bolted after the monster, her wings pumping and her horn aglow.

Applejack scratched her head some more as she watched the purple Princess fly off. "Ah don't get it. If she didn't wanna off him, why'd she blow 'im up?"

"It was an accident, I think," Rainbow said as she hovered lower, "I don't really have all the details. Busy day."

"And the dragon varmint?"

"No clue on that one. Twi seemed confused to see it." Rainbow Dash shrugged.

"So'd he, actually." Applejack sighed.

"On that matter I may be of assistance, to divine its purpose and plot resistance."

Applejack could hardly be any happier to hear the familiar verse coming from behind her, and she smiled broadly when she caught sight of Zecora and Fluttershy trotting through the trail of destruction left by her draconic visitor. "Well, shucks! Am Ah glad ta see you two!"

Fluttershy waved meekly as Zecora strode ahead purposefully.

"Hey, Zecora! You got any idea what's going on?" Rainbow Dash asked, jabbing a hoof at the dragonspawn. The beast was quite some distance away by now, although its path had become a zigzag pattern with no clear heading. No doubt a strategy to slow its progress, although it definitely wasn't doing the orchard any favors.

"The dragonspawn's arrival has caused quite a fright, though it has not yet attacked a pony in sight," the zebra began, only for Applejack to interrupt her.

"Actually, any y'all know a feller by the name of Sow-toh-may?"

Zecora sighed. "I didn't know this would happen, though I had a feeling. Predators seem to find him strangely appealing."

"Well, I'm sure the burning meat smell doesn't help," Rainbow Dash mused, "Twi roasted him pretty good."

Zecora and Fluttershy looked shocked to hear this, and Rainbow quickly shook her head. "You know what? Forget it. We can explain things later. The guy's kind of running for his life right now." She pushed higher into the air, pointing a hoof toward their gigantic target. "Let's GO!"

"Saotome! You're really okay!"

Ranma heard a feminine voice calling above him, and he craned his neck back as he galloped through the trees.

"Oh, hey! Sparkle! You're really okay!" he shouted back.

Twilight was understandably surprised to hear and see an expression of genuine relief and gratitude on the stallion below her. "Of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, it was a pretty big explosion! I couldn't be sure!"

"But you were at the center of it!" Twilight protested. "I really have no idea how you survived!"

"Pff! Don't even worry about it! I'm fine!" the pigtailed pony insisted.

A jet of flames cut across the ground in front of him, and Ranma skidded to a stop before the wall of fire.

"Mostly fine, anyway," he grumbled before changing direction. The earth-shaking footsteps and sound of trees breaking apart followed at a steady pace behind him. "Do you know why there's a giant lizard thing trying to kill me, by any chance?"

"I don't! I was hoping you knew!" Twilight replied.

A frustrated groan came from Ranma as he hopped to the side, neatly dodging a small fireball. "No, I don't! I mean, if it just wanted a horse for a snack and decided that I happened to be the tastiest-looking one, whatever, but I get the feeling this is personal, somehow!"

Twilight frowned. "I do, too! But unless we can figure out specifically what it wants, I think our best option is to escape!"

"Well, I can run WAY faster than this thing." Ranma leapt over another flung tree as he discussed the matter with the alicorn hovering above him. "I just didn't want it to tear up the place looking for me. You want I should just make a break for it?"

Twilight was briefly stunned by the display of casual agility and absolute calm, but shook her head to focus on the matter at hand. "No! The monster is tracking you by scent! If you just run away then it will keep following you!"

"Ah, good point! You wanna just blast it, then?" Ranma asked. "I can take out its legs first, if you want. One-two-combo?"

Again, Twilight pushed aside her incredulity to concentrate on resolving the problem. "I have a better idea! If I teleport you far enough away, then there will be a gap in your scent trail! It won't be able to track you anymore and everypony else can clear out of its way until it gives up and leaves!"

Teleport me, huh? That sounds pretty sketchy. "I dunno..."

Twilight's expression hardened. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you cooperate! This creature is a serious threat to Ponyville and the lives of my friends, and this is the best immediate course of action!"

"Oh, fine." Ranma stopped running and leapt up onto a tree branch next to Twilight, again startling the lavender Princess. "Better hurry, though. If it sees you magic me away, it might get on YOUR case too."

"R-Right. Hold still." Twilight's horn started to glow, and Ranma grimaced as he felt the familiar tingle along his back. "Just a warning: You might feel a sense of nausea from the unfamiliar sensation of air displacement."

"Yeah, and I'll bet the magic allergy thing won't help, either," Ranma grumbled.

"The what?" Twilight's eyes bulged as Ranma was suddenly swallowed by purple magic. "Wait! I forgot about the-"

The spell finished, and the aura dissipated. Ranma was still there.

His eyelids slid closed, and he promptly slipped off the branch and landed on the ground in a heap.

Twilight swore that her heart stopped for a moment while she hovered over the insensate body. Only once she heard a rumbling snore come from the stallion did her faculties return to her. "It... It put him to SLEEP? How? Why? The conditions for a synaptic reaction to the threshold mana-"

The sound of a tree breaking in half some ten feet behind Twilight drove home the point that there wasn't anypony to listen to her complain about the blatant violation of magical principles. Twilight landed next to the fallen stallion, and then summoned a dome barrier around them before turning around.

"All right, that's close enough! Back off!" Twilight shouted as the dragonspawn charged forward.

Unsurprisingly, the monstrous animal didn't listen to the tiny purple equine barking orders at it. Flames surged from the dragonspawn's mouth in a thick stream, washing over Twilight's shield. She winced but held her ground, waiting for the fire breath to recede.

"I'm warning you!" the young Princess said once the fire had settled around her barrier. "I don't know what you want with this pony, but I can assure you he isn't worth the trouble! Turn around and go back where you came from!" Her horn flared brighter, and arcs of pure energy crackled around its length.

The dragonspawn's eyes narrowed as it slowed down and finally gave its full attention to the lavender equine. A warning growl came from the beast, and a puff of fire curled around its lips.

"You want him? You'll have to get through me!" Twilight barked, spreading her wings in a fairly fruitless effort to look larger and more intimidating. "This pony has suffered enough today!"

The dragonspawn trembled in rage for a moment, and then released an ear-splitting roar into the air. Twilight flinched, but she held her barrier firm as the draconic beast reared back its claws.

"Everypony, wait! Please, stop!"

Fluttershy breathed heavily as she stumbled over a pile of shredded wood. Zecora, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack all followed behind her, although they approached more cautiously.

The dragonspawn twisted its head around, a growl rumbling through its teeth.

Fluttershy, surprisingly, showed no fear of the monster and walked right up to one of its rear legs. "Miss Dragonspawn, please, listen! I know you're upset, but we don't know what's wrong!" Her eyes glistened as she implored the massive beast. "Please, talk to us! We don't want to fight!"

Twilight gaped as the dragonspawn hesitated. The massive, golden eyes flickered over to Ranma's prone body as the martial artist stirred.

Then the dragonspawn growled again.

"Yes, we thought so," Fluttershy nodded, "but what did that stallion do? None of us know WHY you want to kill and eat him."

Ranma stretched as he entered full consciousness again, blinking his eyes sleepily. He felt oddly refreshed, which was certainly a nice change from what the last three magic spells had done to him. When he pushed himself up, however, he was treated to a strange sight. Zecora, Applejack, Twilight, and two pegasi he didn't know were surrounding the giant dragon-monster-thing. Said thing was growling something at the yellow pegasus, who was listening with an expression of deep concern.

"... Yeah. I definitely get ALL the weird mythical creatures," he sighed.

Fluttershy nodded sympathetically as the dragonspawn recounted her tale in a stream of rumbling growls, ignoring the perplexed expressions from the other equines.

"Rrrrgh. Hrrm. Rrrr-rrarh. Rrrrm!"

"Oh, yes, I see. You must have been so worried!"

"Rmrrm. Rrrrg, rrahr rrrghm."

"Are you sure it was him, though?"

"Rrgh. Hrmrrrgh rahr rrrgh."

"Oh, dear..." Fluttershy pursed her lips and then turned around, facing the incredulous ponies. "Uhm, okay... Miss Dragonspawn is trying to kill this stallion because she thinks he broke into her child's nest and hurt it."

Ranma arched an eyebrow. "I did what, now?"

The dragonspawn turned its head around to face him, and flames puffed out of its nostrils. Ranma ignored her, his attention on the yellow pony who was apparently acting as a monster translator.

"She says she tracked you from her home all the way through the Everfree forest," Fluttershy explained.

"Rrrgh! Raaar! Rmrn!" the dragonspawn snarled, snapping its jaws.

Fluttershy nodded again. "Miss Dragonspawn demands that you apologize immediately, or she'll kill you, and probably Twilight, too. She hasn't decided yet." She gulped. "I, uhm, don't mean to pressure you, but I think you should probably apologize."

Twilight heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank Celestia. Is that all she wants? Then-"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Ranma shouted, stamping a hoof on the ground. "That giant lizard that jumped me underground was your kid?!"

The dragonspawn snapped her head up in surprise.

"I'm not apologizing for anything!" Ranma shouted, much to the ponies' shock. "He jumped me out of freaking nowhere and tried to eat me! Of course I kicked his teeth in! You should be apologizing to me!"

A threatening grumble came from the dragonspawn's throat as the other ponies started stepping away.

"Faultless though your defense may have been, you may wish to express regret for her kin," Zecora warned, her ears flipping down, "the dragonspawn's terms are reasonable and concise. I think it may be wiser to try to make nice."

"No way, Zee," Ranma scoffed, glaring up at the creature, "you can't let these giant aliens boss you around like they own the place. Once they can make you apologize for being attacked, they can get away with anything!" He pointed a hoof over at Applejack. "You may as well make her apologize for all the apple trees that were in the freak's path!"

Fluttershy started sweating as the dragonspawn mother spat another series of angry growls. "Uhm, Miss Dragonspawn insists upon receiving apologies, or she will begin a violent reign of terror and will not stop until everypony in the immediate vicinity is blood and ashes." She gulped again. "First, she insists that you apologize for assaulting her daughter. Then, she insists that you apologize for referring to her daughter as a male, and for referring to her as a 'freak', which was both completely uncalled for and very hurtful." Fluttershy chewed her lip anxiously before she glanced over at Applejack. "Finally, Miss Dragonspawn actually would like an apology from the owner of the orchard. She says she may have sprained an ankle smashing so many trees underfoot."

"SAY WHAT?!?!" Applejack snapped, her face turning red.

Ranma snorted, his blue eyes glaring into the dragonspawn's golden ones without flinching. "Well, I guess I can say I'm sorry about mistaking your kid for a guy. Although that isn't really my fault, either. Clearly she got her looks from YOU."

There was an audible snapping noise as a vein pulsed over the dragonspawn's head.

"Ooh, burn!" Rainbow Dash interjected. The dragonspawn snorted out a sharp retort.

"She says, 'Yes, you will'," Fluttershy whimpered.

Ranma veered out the path of a stream of fire, marking the continuation of the previous chase. "Okay, so we're back to this again! Great!"

"And whose fault is that?!" Twilight shouted as she soared overhead, shouting down at Ranma through the treetops. "Why didn't you just apologize?!"

"I explained why! I didn't do anything wrong!" the martial artist protested. A tremendous roar boomed from behind him, and Ranma swore the ground shook from the sound.

"That's not the point! You could have resolved this easily and painlessly! Are you crazy or some..." Twilight trailed off, blinking. "Oh. Right. Now I remember. Never mind."

Fluttershy appeared next to the Princess, flapping her wings desperately to keep up. "Miss Dragonspawn contends that she's just big-boned, and doesn't appreciate your insensitive remarks!" she gasped out. "She says her first marriage didn't work out for exactly that reason, and your comments bring back-"

"Okay, seriously, you can stop translating! We're done with that, now!" Ranma grimaced as he dodged away from another fireball. "Hey, Sparks, your thing is over with, right?"

Twilight blinked. "'Sparks'? What did you-"

"Your plan where you teleport me or whatever and Miss Dragonspawn gives up! That didn't work, right?" Ranma clarified.

Twilight was still a little curious about the nickname, but admitted to herself that it was very unimportant right now. "Yes, obviously!"

"So, can I stop this thing now, or what?"

Yes, he was definitely crazy. She was fully confident in her data set at this point. "This isn't just an oversized Everfree predator, Saotome! A dragonspawn is serious!"

"Then I'll get serious too!" Ranma declared. "You two clear out! And keep the other horses away, would you?"

Twilight gaped as Ranma suddenly vaulted backward into the air, twisting over another fireball and then landing to face the oncoming monster.

"All right, Miss Freak! How about you lay off the apple trees and pick on someone a fraction of your size?!" He jumped forward as the dragonspawn lunged at him, ducking under her claws and then jumping over her swinging tail. "Come get me, scaly!"

"... He's insane," Twilight mumbled, her eye twitching. "He's insane, and he's going to die."

Fluttershy chewed her lip as she hovered nearby. "Oh, dear. I hope he doesn't force her to chase him much further. That sprain can only get worse, and she needs to walk home after this!"

"... They're insane," Twilight mumbled, her eye twitching faster. "They're all insane, and he's going to die."

Rainbow Dash swooped by, keeping one eye on the battle going on below. "Hey, what gives? Why isn't he running anymore?" She would have guessed that the stallion had exhausted himself, but that didn't seem likely. Ranma was bouncing and sliding all over the place, dodging furiously as the dragonspawn stomped and swiped at him.

Twilight planted her hooves on her temple as she shook her head. "He said to get clear! He thinks he's going to fight that thing!"

"Really?" Rainbow glanced down again, her eyebrows rising. "Should we back him up?"

"I don't know! Give me a minute!" Twilight's breath started heaving as sweat crawled down her brow. "This is a morally ambiguous situation!"

"I don't think there's anything 'ambiguous' about what's about to happen to that guy," Rainbow pointed out.

"He did ask us to stay back, though," Fluttershy mumbled, tapping the points of her hooves together nervously.

"Yeah, and I'm real impressed and all, but he's not going to look very cool as a big red spot on the ground. I don't even know what he's trying to do down there besides not get himself smashed; he's not even attacking or anything." Rainbow Dash snorted. "Also, I feel like he has a point. If the dragonkid jumped him, then he was just defending himself."

"That is not the problem here, Rainbow!" Twilight shouted.

"Besides, she was just a child! She didn't know any better!" Fluttershy chided.

"Also not pertinent to the situation, Fluttershy!" Twilight shouted.

"Well, I still think..." Rainbow frowned as she trailed off, and a shudder ran through her wings. "Hey... do these wind currents feel kind of... off to you guys?"

Ranma hit the dirt on his shoulder, rolling across the ground before a massive draconic foot slammed down behind him. Frost covered the ruined dirt that he touched, and an ephemeral shroud of cool mist followed him as he jumped to his feet.

Jets and balls of fire crashed down all around, but the soul of ice clung to the air wherever Ranma passed, cutting through the heated air in a wide spiral around the furious dragonspawn. Normally this particular technique was fueled by the heat given off by an opponent's battle aura - a subtle mixing of Ranma's ki with that of an enraged foe - but literal heat could fuel it just as well. Those apple trees nearby that had not been destroyed or uprooted shuddered as the first waves of air whipped through them, shearing off leaves by the dozen.

Ranma skidded underneath another sweeping blast of fire, and then leapt over his opponent, bouncing off of her back. The dragonspawn's tail followed, slapping down after him, but the pigtailed stallion hopped to the side and evaded by mere millimeters. The dragonspawn whirled around, one arm reared back to slash at her opponent.

She caught sight of him, and she paused in confusion. The obnoxiously agile pony was standing on his hind legs, right in front of her. It was a strange pose for a quadruped under any circumstances, but seemed especially bizarre for one trying not to get smashed into a bloody paste.

"Greetings from Earth, 'Miss Dragonspawn'." Ranma smirked and thrust one foreleg into the air. "HIRYUU SHOUTEN HAAAAAA!!"

"Grrgh?" mumbled the dragonspawn, which Fluttershy would have helpfully translated as "The buck is this?"

The monstrous matron was lifted off her feet almost instantly as a cyclone slammed into her, carrying her skyward in a full-strength wind funnel. She flailed about helplessly, eyes wide and panicked, understandably confused as to how things had ended up like this. Nearby apple trees, both those already uprooted and not, were picked up from the ground and dragged into the tornado, and soon the draconic beast was being smacked around by large hunks of wood as she was carried ever-further into the air.

Ranma stood at the center of the tornado, his aura pulsing an icy blue as his body struggled to stay upright. He hadn't given it much thought up until now, but this pose was actually very difficult to hold for a pony, especially with the air currents buffeting him. His rear legs started trembling as his hooves started to slip against the churning dirt.

"No... no... no no no no nonononononoNONONOOOOOOO..." Ranma screamed to the heavens as he finally fell over and was immediately swept up into his own tornado. "GOD DAMN IT THIS IS NOT PART OF THE TECHNIQUE!"

Ranma was carried up higher through the cyclone, quickly surpassing the dragonspawn in altitude before being flung into the sky.

"I HATE BEING A HOOOOOOORSE..."

"......" Applejack pursed her lips as she watched the sudden, inexplicable tornado stretch toward the sky, carrying off yet another group of hapless apple trees into ruin. An enormous head of blazing azure power surged from the top of the localized natural disaster, streaking upward in the shape of a dragon's head.

Her brother, Big Macintosh, sat on the ground behind her, having been attracted to the scene by all the commotion. Zecora waited next to him, scratching her head.

"... That there's a tornado, ain't it?" Applejack asked.

"Eeyup," Big Mac replied, chewing on a stalk of wheat.

"Didn't come from nowhere. Ain't goin' nowhere. Just sorta showed up, huh?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac replied, shifting the wheat stalk to the other side of his mouth.

Zecora opened her mouth to say something, thought better of it, and then went back to frowning silently.

The distant tornado suddenly collapsed, breaking apart into waves of highly pressurized air that slashed through the surrounding orchard. A swarm of shredded leaves blasted up over the trees, having been torn off by the wild currents.

"An' now it's gone," Applejack observed.

"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed.

Zecora pawed at the ground uncomfortably. She really felt like she should be providing some token, wisdom-filled limerick, but absolutely nothing came to mind that could add to Applejack's plain observations.

"Well... I don't hear that dragon-whatsit crashin' about no more," Applejack mumbled, "Ah guess one way or another, that worked itself out."

"Eeyup?" Big Macintosh hadn't arrived in time to catch all the details, so he wasn't totally sure what his sister was talking about.

The orange mare sighed. "Well, we sure got our work cut out fer us, don't we? This is gonna take weeks ta clean up."

"Eeyup," her brother had no doubts on that subject.

"But hey, at least it's over," Applejack shrugged.

"Nnope," Big Mac disagreed, his head craned up and looking at the sky.

Applejack tipped her hat up, her eyes narrowing at the bright crimson stallion. "Whaddya mean it aint'-"

The dragonspawn smashed into the Apple family barn like a snarling meteor, plowing through the roof and then bouncing through the wall. Every part of the structure that wasn't crushed directly was blasted away by the shock wave, and a vast burst of hay bloomed over the ruins in a mushroom-shaped cloud.

Applejack turned back toward the barn and sighed. "Gonna be another lean year."

"Eeyup."

Author's Note

I cannot seem to stop destroying Applejack's farm in my stories. I may have a problem.

A Night to Remember

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 3

A Night to Remember

"I was joking before, but seriously: I have wings now. I have to stop flying without them."

Ranma moped to himself as he trudged through the forest. He wasn't sure which forest it was, although he was pretty sure it wasn't that big, dark one he'd found Zecora in. He'd been limping along through the trees for hours, and not a single thing had tried to eat him so far.

He guessed that he was heading away from Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres, judging by the descent of the sun and the positioning of the new furrow he'd dug in the earth after landing. That was fine. He had a job to do, and he'd spent too long lingering in that place. Besides, it was probably a good idea for him to make himself scarce after being the focus of an explosion, a tornado, and a giant monster stomping all over one of the local farms. Only one of those things was really his fault, but in his experience the local villagers never seemed to want a nuanced and precise explanation of his circumstances in these situations.

That did leave him wondering where he was supposed to go from here, though. He'd forgotten to give detailed descriptions of those unicorns to Twilight, so he didn't know if they were famous villains or ordinary citizens or what. He had no idea how he was supposed to find the ponies that had changed him beyond wandering from village to village and asking around, and the nearest village (and only one he was aware of) was off-limits for the moment.

Ranma sighed and slumped against a tree. Then he looked up at the setting sun. It was almost night time, and even by his standards he'd had a rough day. Perhaps he'd just go to sleep early and come up with a better idea tomorrow.

"Stupid unicorns," Ranma grumbled as he curled up his legs underneath him and closed his eyes. A breeze blasted through the forest, and he shuddered against the sudden chill. "Stupid MacGuffin Stone. Sure would be nice to have some CLOTHES right now!"

A point of light flashed in the distance.

Ranma's head jerked up, and his eyes went wide. Now that he had his eyes open and was looking around at his surroundings, he couldn't see the bright light that had just appeared.

Obviously, that was rather the opposite of how light was supposed to work.

"Okay... let's try that again," Ranma mumbled as he pushed himself to his hooves again. He closed his eyes, stretching out his awareness.

Nothing happened.

He furrowed his brow, keeping his eyes shut. "Huh... what was I doing before? I was going to go to sleep, and I was complaining about the unicorns and the MacGuff-"

A light shined in the distance, perfectly clear and perceptible to Ranma despite him having his eyes closed and looking in the wrong direction.

"Huh. That is WEIRD," Ranma mumbled as he turned toward the distant beacon. It didn't grow in intensity or anything when he stared directly at it. It was like the point of a compass sitting in his thoughts, giving him a direction and nothing else.

Ranma opened his eyes and thought further on this development. "So I think I may have picked up a MacGuffin-sense. That's so convenient I don't really want to believe it."

He placed a hoof to his chin. "I don't have any other leads, though. I may as well give it a shot." Then he slumped back onto the ground. "After a nap. I just took too many hits today. I'll catch up to those jerks later." A jaw-cracking yawn stretched his muzzle out as the transformed martial artist curled up onto the ground. "If I've got a way to track them down, then there's no hurry, right?"

Ranma released a contented sigh.

"... Well, they DO have a magic gem that might be powerful enough to destroy everything." He cracked an eye open. "I guess that's KIND of a problem. But how much of a mess could they cause, really?"

He thought back to the MacGuffin Stone's last owner. A young and distinctly incompetent high school student who had deep affection for occult nonsense. He still wasn't sure what Gosunkugi had done, but at the very least the little twerp had accomplished one worthy villainous act with the gem: Gosunkugi had overcome him and sent him away to be trapped on another world. A terrible world full of painful magic, RPG monsters, and talking horses.

"God damn it," Ranma groaned as he pushed himself up again, "I've really got to stop them before they cause some serious trouble." He briefly closed his eyes and thought of the MacGuffin Stone. The light immediately appeared in his vision, pointing him to the North. "Whatever. The sooner I get the rock back, the sooner I get my clothes back."

He adjusted his heading and then took off at a trot.

Princess Luna spread her wings wide, feeling the cool wind of the night rush through her feathers. The breeze sent a chill through her bones right into her spine, but the Princess of the Night welcomed the feeling. The nighttime breeze was like a comforting blanket wrapping around her, although she understood that it had the exact opposite effect upon most other ponies. Luna gazed up at the brightly glowing moon, a soft smile adorning her features while she reflected upon the night. Tiberius, her pet possum, nestled in the inky, star-speckled pool of her mane, sheltering from the cold. The rodent's beady eyes were directed down rather than up, fixed upon a snarling beast that wasn't enjoying its late evening stroll nearly as much as the Princess was.

A chimera lay on the ground, its limbs entangled and pinned to the dirt with magical chains of gleaming ebony. Its two main heads snapped and thrashed uselessly, while the snake's head on its tail tugged desperately at various parts of the links to try to loosen them.

The creature made quite a racket, but Luna pretended not to notice as she basked in the otherwise serene night.

"Fine weather tonight, is it not, Tiberius?" Luna asked, closing her eyes against the breeze as she alighted upon a tree branch. The branch started to bend under her weight, but with a brief cantrip it was rigid as steel underneath her silver slippers. "See how the stars glimmer above, without obstruction? Like an ocean riddled with floating candles. 'Tis truly a balm for the soul."

A ferocious roar came from beneath her, just barely loud enough to puncture Luna's mood of enchanted calm. She glared down at the chimera she had immobilized, giving it the same look she would have offered a troublemaking child or a guard who had been caught slacking off.

"Do not complain to me, beast. This area is far outside your kind's hunting grounds. We will not allow you to menace our subjects. Begone back to your territory, or I shall render you comatose and dump you there like common refuse!"

The chimera just seemed to struggle harder, and the black chains actually started to crack as it strained against its bonds.

A weary-looking batpony guard grimaced as he hovered behind the Princess. "My liege, I don't think the animal is any mood to listen. Much like the last three. Your ultimatum is surely pointless."

Luna frowned, and then shrugged. "Ah, well. It is good form nonetheless to proffer a voluntary resolution to these conflicts before resorting to force." Her horn started to glow, a ghastly blue light swirling about its fluting.

"That's true. It's also a moot point, since you hit it with the binding spell before it even saw you," the guard grumbled, "incidentally, that's also preventing it from retreating as you asked."

He couldn't tell whether Luna couldn't hear him or simply ignored him as she blasted the chimera with a magic beam, hammering it into the ground. A loud yelp came from the various heads of the creature before it was knocked unconscious, and a blast crater formed around it from the impact pressure.

"Huzzah! Another beast felled! No longer will this ferocious malcontent trouble our subjects!" Luna cheered, rearing up on her branch in victory. Tiberius did a little victory dance on her neck, whipping his tail around and twisting back and forth.

"Yes, Princess. Splendid," sighed the batpony, "not that this region is anywhere near any actual settlements or trade routes, but I suppose any bandits hiding out in this forest can rest a little easier."

Luna jumped down from the tree she was standing on for dramatic effect, and then paused as she touched the ground. "Bandits, hmm? Do you suppose we might encounter some brigands as well as foul beasts this night?"

"I doubt it, Princess. You've been quite free with the magical explosions, and raiders tend to be a skittish lot." The batpony landed next to the chimera and poked it with his hoof.

"Hmph. More's the pity," Luna harumphed as she strode past the fallen monster, "dispose of that creature. Tiberius and I shall scout the area for any sign of..."

Luna trailed off at the sound of a rustling bush, and the batpony jerked upright, his fangs bared and his ears twitching.

"Who goes there?" Luna demanded imperiously, standing her ground. Tiberius scrambled up atop her head and peered into the gloom, as if Luna's crown were the crow's nest of a ship.

The bushes continued rustling before an equine shape emerged from the darkness. The Lunar Guard, who could pick out details via echolocation better than he could with his vision, had pegged the newcomer as a unicorn stallion in a cloth cloak long before the pony had become visible with the moonlight.

Once the pony did step out, however, he and Luna were able to discern other details. He wasn't of a particularly large build, and was somewhat older; in his 40's, perhaps. His fur was dark red, while his long, unkempt mane was an ashen white. A woolen cloak obscured most other details; they were unable to see his cutie mark.

The stallion halted briefly once he was sure he was visible, and then he kneeled reverently in Luna's direction.

"My Princess, I am honored to make your acquaintance," the stallion said. His voice contained an undercurrent of barely contained excitement; he was almost giddy, apparently. "My name is Rite. I heard your... exertions from nearby." He glanced over at the savaged chimera.

Luna's disinterested expression softened into a warm smile. "Well met, Sir Rite! I am pleased to meet you on this most lovely of nights!" She beckoned above with a forehoof, and her hair and tail whipped about while they sparkled even brighter. "What business brings you to such a region as this? There are dangerous beasts about, and few interests of commercial nature, as I understand."

Rite didn't rise from his kneeling pose, although he finally deigned to look the Princess in the eyes. "I am searching for and collecting strange oddities, my Princess. Rare ingredients, stones, and other assorted sundries that aid the crafts of wizards."

Luna tilted her head to the side. "Ah, interesting. And what sorts of things would one find out here?"

Rite chuckled lightly. "Oh, nothing much. I was merely traveling through this forest to my next scavenging grounds. Although I seem to have stumbled upon a treasure far more valuable than any mere crystal!" He slowly stood up, and his eyes gleamed as Luna made no protest. "I never, in my life, imagined that I would see an Equestrian Princess! Much less in such an... informal situation! I am truly blessed!"

Luna chuckled and swept a hoof through her hair. "It is no great boon to offer an audience, truly. You flatter me, Sir Rite." Despite her protests of modesty, Luna was clearly preening under the attention.

The batpony in escort narrowed his eyes at the unicorn. His blade was already in his hoof, one foreleg hidden behind the other, and his nerves were on a razor's edge. This stallion's banal fawning immediately reminded him of the empty courting of many of the Canterlot nobility and officials, who would take any opportunity to butter up anypony who might offer them a political advantage.

Granted, it was not among a guard's duty to protect the Princesses from lavish praise and hollow compliments. But something else about this encounter seemed off. For one thing, the praise itself was unusual, as Luna was far less beloved and fawned-over than her sister, Celestia. The reasons were many, ranging from lingering resentment over that whole "attempting to overthrow the kingdom and establish eternal night" thing to fear that the dreamwalking Princess could infiltrate dreams and dig out lies and deception, but the simple (and somewhat depressing) truth was that Princess Luna didn't get a great amount of gushing attention. It wasn't even clear what kind of political leverage a pony would have if Luna DID greatly favor them, honestly.

But besides his suspicion that nopony actually thought Luna was worth buttering up, this whole scenario just seemed sketchy. The unicorn wasn't nearly as surprised as he should be to find an Equestrian diarch taking a late night stroll in the middle of nowhere, and this encounter seemed impeccably scripted. Neither of those hunches really suggested nefarious intent, but the batpony soldier would be taking no chances.

"Ah, wait! I know!" Rite paused in his fawning and levitated his saddlebags in front of him. "A gift! Yes, I should give you something as a token of this meeting! I'm sure I have something appropriate in here! A moment, please!"

Luna tilted her head to the side as the unicorn started rifling through his bags. "Ah, we needn't trouble you so. Surely your duties are difficult enough without having to give away the fruits of your labors."

"Not at all, Princess!" Rite said as his horn flickered, pulling a single, gleaming object from the bags. "I would consider it a favor from you if you were to accept tithe from me!" A radiant-cut gem floated from the bag and onto his upraised hoof. "Here. This jewel is a paltry thing to you, surely, but I would be honored if you would accept it."

Luna raised an eyebrow at the gem, and her horn lit up to provide more light with which to view it. It had an unusual color, and she could detect faint traces of magic coming from within its core.

Rite was correct, though, in that neither trait was very impressive or uncommon. Enchanted gems were about as hard to come by in Canterlot as pine cones were in this forest. Nonetheless, her attempt to refuse the gift had already been rebuffed, so she decided to be courteous and accept. But before she could open her mouth again, her escort stepped in front of her.

"Hold on just a moment. Let me see that, first." The guard tried not to sound TOO hostile as he held out a hoof. But it didn't escape Rite's notice that there was an arrow-shaped blade mounted on the tip of his other foreleg.

His smile became slightly cooler. "Is there a problem, Mister..."

"Night Scythe," the batpony said, his eyes narrowing to slits, "and I don't know if there's a problem. Let me see the gem first, and I'll find out."

Luna grimaced, rolling her eyes. "Is this truly necessary, Captain Scythe? It is merely a stone, after all."

"No 'gifts' reach the Princesses without at least a cursory inspection. This is basic security," the Lunar Guard said. It wasn't obvious whether he was informing the unicorn or the Princess. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"No. No, of course not," Rite chuckled, his earlier levity returning. "You may inspect the SWAN SONG to your satisfaction, Mister Scythe."

There was a long pause. Rite did not levitate the stone over to the batpony, and Night Scythe's eyebrow rose.

"... Well? What's the matter?"

"N-Nothing!" Rite coughed, and then he raised his voice as he continued. "But please, be very careful. The SWAN SONG is very delicate!"

"It doesn't look very fragile to me, but fine," the guard grumbled, "hoof it over."

Again, there was a silent pause. Rite made no move to give Night Scythe the gem.

"Is there something amiss, Sir Rite?" Luna asked.

"I, uh, just... want to make sure you know that the SWAN SO-"

Night Scythe cut him off with a sharp growl. "I don't want to hear it! Give me the Swan Song now or leave!"

"W-What? Oh! Sorry!" shouted a new voice from the side, along with more rustling bushes.

Night Scythe heard the new voice, triangulated its exact position in an eye blink, and then became a blur of motion as his hair-trigger reflexes kicked into gear to bring him between his Princess and the potential threat. A throwing knife zipped into the darkness toward the newcomer, only to clash against a magic grid barrier.

"What? Is it an ambush?" Luna demanded, her eyes narrowing as she turned her head toward the new voice. Her horn sparked dangerously, ready to bring nigh-unfathomable power to bear against a potential threat.

Rite almost casually tossed the MacGuffin Stone toward the lunar Princess, and his smile returned full force as the gem touched against her chest, just beneath her ebony peytral. It stuck against her coat instantly, and a blazing light erupted from the stone as Luna's horn went dark.

"Wh-What?" Luna staggered, her eyes wide as she glanced down at the jewel now adhering to her. "What is this?" Tiberius squeaked in fright, his eyes wide as his mistress quivered.

Night Scythe whirled around, and he clenched his teeth as he spotted the suspicious gem stuck against his charge. "Princess! Get away from that thing! I will-"

"POLYMORPH!" Swan Song shouted as she bounded into the clearing, her horn ablaze.

"Gugh!" the batpony's eyes widened as he was surrounded by a bright yellow aura. "No! Moon curse you, you squeak!" The guard's protests turned into a high-pitched squeal as his body rapidly shrunk. Soon the batpony was replaced with a mundane bat, and the tiny winged creature screeched angrily as his own Lunar Guard helmet collapsed on top of him and trapped him against the ground.

"Ha ha! Another victory for the forces of evil over the Equestrian military!" Swan Song chirped happily, jumping on the helmet and digging its edges into the ground to trap the transformed guard more firmly. "Seriously, sometimes I wonder why they even pay you guys."

Rite groaned. "Swan Song, we are NOT villains. Stop referring to us as evil."

"You... You fiends!" Luna snarled, apparently disagreeing with his assertion. She pushed her leg against the MacGuffin Stone to try to brush it off, and then yelped as she merely found the leg stuck to the gem as well. She quickly adjusted her stance so that she could remain standing. "The Swan Song! It is stuck fast! What manner of witchcraft is this?!"

Swan Song blinked. "I'm stuck what, now?"

"No, no, that was just a ruse," Rite explained calmly as he sat and watched the Princess struggle, "Swan Song is the name of my assistant, here, whom I was attempting to summon to the field. The gem is called the MacGuffin Stone."

Luna stopped struggling, and she scrunched up her muzzle as she glared down at the gem in her fur. Tiberius had crawled down and was trying to help pry it off, with absolutely no success. "... I liked its false name better."

"Yes, it's a common complaint," Rite drawled. Then he narrowed his eyes at Swan Song. "Speaking of which, how come you only responded when the GUARD said your name? Did you doze off again?"

Swan Song chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. "Sorry... I guess I'm kind of used to tuning out your voice when I'm napping."

The sound of large wings shifting through the wind caused the unicorns to turn their attention back to the Princess, who had taken flight away from them.

"Oh, NO you don't!" Swan shouted, her horn flaring again.

Luna yelped as a dark sphere of gravity magic reached her, immediately increasing her weight past any possibility of flight. She plummeted to the ground and collapsed onto her side painfully, unable to land properly on only three legs.

"You must excuse my little intern, here," Rite said as he walked up to Luna, "she veers wildly from vapid airheadedness to hyper-competence. It's as jarring to me as anypony else, I assure you."

"Who are you?!" Luna demanded. Her horn flickered unsteadily as she tried to use her magic, but every time she tried she would just feel the mana seep away into the MacGuffin Stone pinned to her chest and foreleg. "What do you want?!"

"I am SO glad you asked!" Swan Song said, brightening considerably. "You see, Mister Rite-" The unicorn mare suddenly found her jaw held shut by an aura of white magic, preventing her from speaking further.

"See what I mean?" Rite sighed. "You don't need to know my plan, Princess Luna. In addition, I wish to express regret that you had to be involved in it like this."

"What?" This genuinely confused Luna. Why would an attacker regret overcoming her?

"My quarrel is with your sister, Princess. Not you. Circumstances have unfolded such that you have become a component of my master plan, but I have no ill will toward any other alicorn. In time, after my efforts have come to fruition, I hope to release you, unharmed, from the prison of the MacGuffin Stone." He couldn't help but smirk as the night-blue pony stared up at him. "Albeit, the world will be quite a... different place, when you awaken. But then, you already have more experience with that than most."

Luna's eyebrow twitched as Swan Song giggled. "Who ARE you, ruffian?! What is your vendetta with Sister?!"

Rite shook his head. "You can ask her that when you are free once more, Princess Luna... if she's still around by then, that is."

Luna's eyes widened. She looked down at the MacGuffin Stone, which had started to emit a high-pitched keening sound. Tiberius was beating his tiny fists against it helplessly, and little tears came from the possum's eyes as he stared up at his mistress helplessly.

"... Mark my words, as Princess of the Night and diarch of Equestria," Luna hissed, glowering up at Rite, "you three shall not get away with this! Your deceptions shall be exposed, and your machinations ruined! Harmony will prevail!"

Rite chuckled, tilting his head to the side. "Oh, Princess! Not all Celestia's foe's are enemies of Har..." he trailed off, blinking. "Wait... three?"

Rite and Swan Song glanced at each other in confusion. Then, very slowly, they turned their heads to look behind them.

"Konbanwa, JACKASS," Ranma said, glowering at the pair.

For several seconds, the keening wail of the MacGuffin Stone and the angry, muffled screeching of the guard bat were the only sounds in the area. The two unicorns stared at the pigtailed pony, dumbfounded. Luna was likewise quite confused.

Rite raised a hoof. "Um."

He got no further in that sentence before Ranma's hoof slammed into the side of his head, sending him spiraling away into the air. The stallion yelped painfully as he struck a tree, bouncing off in a burst of shattered bark and landing on the ground in a heap.

"IT'S THE SEXY MUTANT APE!!" Swan Song shrieked, jumping back as her horn lit up. "Flare beam!" She charged a magic attack, and then her horn fired a screaming lance of hot yellow power. That lance shot up into the sky, cutting uselessly through the tree branches.

Swan Song whimpered, and her pupils shrank to pinpricks. Ranma was standing right in front of her, his hoof pressed against her chin to tilt her head up at an angle and keep her horn aimed away from him. His touch was feather-light, but she knew what kind of power was behind that leg. The only reason she still had teeth was because the pigtailed stallion had decided she could keep them.

"You might be wondering why I haven't smashed your stupid horn right off your head by now," the pigtailed pony said tightly. Swan Song whimpered again. "See, I've got this policy against hitting girls. But that only applies to human girls. I'm not really sure if it's okay for me to hit mares or not. You can help me out with deciding that."

"That sounds GREAT! I love to help!" Swan quivered as droplets of sweat rolled down her forehead. "And have I mentioned that stallions who have perfectly legitimate reasons to hurt me but don't are totally my type?"

"Don't care," Ranma grunted, "now you-"

"I beg your pardon!" Luna suddenly shouted, cutting Ranma off. He blinked, and then looked over at the dark-furred alicorn lying on the forest floor. She looked quite distressed, and it wasn't hard to see why.

"As much as I am enjoying this outbreak of hostility against these ruffians," Luna said uncertainly as she struggled to get upright again, "I must plead for immediate assistance! This gem-"

"Yeah, okay. The MacGuffin Stone is absorbing you or something, right? Got it," Ranma said, shoving Swan Song away. His eyes narrowed as he approached the Princess, focusing on the jewel attached to her. "Stay still."

"I... uh..." Luna felt nervous as the gray stallion tensed, but reasoned that she really had no better options than to do as he said and hoped things worked out.

Ranma's hoof lashed out like a lightning bolt, striking the MacGuffin stone in a flash of icy blue light. Luna muffled a scream as the MacGuffin Stone was ripped from her body, feeling as if her flesh had been torn off along with it. A cursory inspection of the spot revealed no wound - the gem hadn't even taken off any of her fur - yet the pain lingered and the Princess gasped.

"All right, so it doesn't just stick to anybody it touches. Good!" Ranma's tone sounded more cheerful as he approached the artifact lying on the ground. "So now I can even get my clothes after I get turned back to-"

Ranma dodged out of the way of a glimmering white magic bolt, lurching to the side out of pure reflex as the magic missile screamed past. Either because of the mounting fatigue or mere bad luck, however, the next magic projectile struck home, and Ranma was thrown face-first into the dirt next to the gemstone.

"Swan Song!" Rite called, pausing to wipe some blood off his lip while his horn glimmered in the darkness. "Neutralize him!"

"On it!" the unicorn mare grit her teeth as her horn flashed again. "Prism stunner!"

Ranma grunted while he was enveloped by an aura of sparking, multi-colored mana, and he quickly slammed his hoof down onto the MacGuffin stone. "Don't think I'm going to let you jerks-"

He vanished mid-sentence, winking out of sight along with the ancient gemstone.

Rite's jaw slowly fell open as he stared at the empty spot of scuffed dirt where the annoying stallion had been a moment ago. "You... You TELEPORTED him? Why?!"

Swan Song looked even more stunned than he did. "What? No! That was a paralysis spell! I said stunner, right? I don't even KNOW teleport!"

"Well, I do! That was definitely a teleport! A long one, too! He could be anywhere! And he has the MacGuffin Stone!" Rite shouted. The unicorn stallion limped toward his subordinate, his expression wavering between horror and fury.

"I'm sorry! I don't even know what happened!" Swan cried, her ears pinning down against the sides of her head.

"The MacGuffin Stone is the key to all our plans! And now that clueless MONKEY has it!" Rite growled, slapping a hoof against his face. "This can't possibly get any worse!"

A pulse of magic washed over the two unicorns from behind, leaving a deep chill in their bones.

"... Oh. Right," the crimson stallion sighed, turning his head around.

Luna had her wings spread wide above her, and her eyes had turned to windows of pale white light as waves of malevolent energy rolled through the air. Tiberius stood behind her horn with his beady eyes narrowed at the two unicorns and his arms crossed over his chest. The Princess spoke no words, but the expression of cold fury on her face said plenty.

Rite was also guessing that she was still recovering from being almost captured by the MacGuffin Stone, as that was the only logical explanation for why he and Swan hadn't been blasted or otherwise subdued yet. "Okay, yeah, we're done here. Goodbye, Princess."

His horn flashed, and both he and Swan Song vanished exactly as Ranma had.

Luna felt her rage peak as the unicorns escaped, disappearing in a flare of magic before she could establish any countermeasures to cut off a local teleport. The flow of mana to her horn was still sluggish, like a river of syrup, but it was rapidly returning to normal.

"Blast! Vile sorcerers!" she cursed as her feathers ruffled. Tiberius squeaked in angry sympathy. "I must warn Sister at once! There is an assassin that seeks her downfall!" Luna snorted as she prepared to take flight, making sure that the gravity spell had worn off as well. "Although it may well be that their plan has been ruined beyond hope of recovery. That mysterious stallion has seen to that."

The Lunar Princess hesitated in her takeoff pose, thinking back on the pony that had rescued her. He had given no name, and although the unicorns had clearly recognized him, the only designators they had uttered were "sexy mutated ape" and "monkey". She didn't really understand how anypony could confuse the stallion for a simian - mutant or otherwise - but she could easily agree that he had cut quite a dashing figure.

The lithe, steely muscle of his form. The long, exotic manestyle. The gleaming, crystal-blue eyes. And those were merely aspects of his mundane appearance. The way he moved, with a fluid agility and stunning speed, spoke of a quiet strength that intrigued and somewhat thrilled her. He had appeared from nowhere, like a stalking predator, and overcome the treacherous warlock and his lackey in an instant. And then, with a surprisingly precise application of brute force, he had saved her from the MacGuffin Stone as easily as he had laid low the villains.

A dark flush spread over her cheeks, although between her night-blue fur and the dim light it would have been impossible for an observer to tell.

Even the stallion's cutie mark, which she had recognized as the symbol for chaos and disorder, sent an excited quiver through her heart. He seemed so wild and mysterious, so powerful and heroic... granted, she had only known him for maybe a minute before he had been magically dislocated, but he had left a formidable impression in that short time.

It took a few seconds for the Princess of the Night to bring herself back to her senses. Tiberius was hanging from her horn by his tail and waving his paws in front of her eyes to get her attention. She then realized that she had stood frozen in her "takeoff pose" while her thoughts wandered, perhaps for several minutes. She was starting to get a cramp.

"Ah! Right! We must depart at once for home!" Luna declared. She tossed her head to the side, swinging Tiberius around and back onto her crown. "I must make all haste to inquire as to the identity of this mysterious earth pony, and discover his whereabouts!" She vaulted into the air with a flap of her wings, quickly rising above the treetops. "... Oh, and those unicorns, too," she mumbled as an afterthought.

Luna was still distracted enough that didn't pay any further attention to Tiberius, who was tugging lightly on her mane and pointing back toward the ground. The Princess rose higher and then soared over the forest, making a beeline straight for Canterlot.

On the ground below, sitting in a pile of loose armor, the transformed Lunar Guard let out an exasperated squeak.

I really HATE my job...

"Aaaaaargh!!" Rite screamed, his eyes flashing a bright red.

Swan Song yelped and recoiled. The bandages that she had been magically wrapping around the stallion fell limp onto the floor, rolling away across the rough stonework tiling. "Sorry! Was it too tight?"

Rite glared at his partner. His head already had stretches of gauze wrapped around it, and he had a spell working within his jaws to set a loosened tooth back into place. His bruised foreleg was currently stretched out onto a wooden stool, and Swan had been in the middle of wrapping that as well.

"No, Miss Song. I'm not worried about the blasted bandages," he hissed, trying to contain his mounting anger. Fear of pursuit and subsequent annihilation at the hoof of a furious alicorn Princess had fully occupied his thoughts as they made their way back to his tower, using a combination of teleports, painful walking, and decoy magics to shake off any potential pursuers. Now that they were safe, however, he'd had time to fully mull over the magnitude of their failure.

"That... That..." Rite's horn sparked dangerously as he searched his vocabulary for a term strong enough to express his boiling fury. He couldn't find one. "That MONKEY has ruined everything! EVERYTHING! My entire plan is undone!"

Swan's expression hardened. "No! Don't give up, Mister Rite! We're not out of the game yet!"

"Not out of the game? 'The game' has changed from 'restore the solar cycle to its proper state and undermine the royal Equestrian family' to 'evade immediate capture and probably a lengthy prison sentences as a STATUE'! Princess Luna has escaped! She knows our faces and our names! Why, oh WHY didn't I use a blasted glamour or a false name?" he lamented.

Swan thought about that. "Well, if I recall correctly, your reasons were that Princess Luna would have detected a glamour and you couldn't come up with a very good one, respectively." Then she shrugged. "And then we decided that it was pointless, since we weren't going to reveal ourselves as aggressors until victory was assured anyway."

"Yes! And victory WAS assured! Until Mister Simian showed up - at PRECISELY the worst time possible - and decided to play hoofball with my cranium!" Rite snarled. "Which brings me to the crowning disaster of tonight's utter CATASTROPHE: that pugilist thug has the MacGuffin Stone and has been spirited off to who-knows-where! Without the artifact, all my plans and efforts are for naught! There's no way to accomplish my mission!"

Swan opened her mouth to protest, but paused. "... Which one? Because I'm pretty sure-"

"THE MISSION THAT BUCKING MATTERS!!" Rite howled as a vein pulsed on the side of his head. The unicorn mare ducked away, shielding her face with her leg.

After a moment, Rite deflated. "... I'm sorry, Swan Song. You didn't deserve that. You have performed... well, not splendidly, but about as well as I expected and accounted for. This is not your fault." He sighed deeply, and his gaze shifted over to the window as Swan went back to wrapping his leg. "I failed to adapt. To plan adequately. I was so eager to forge ahead with our mission that I completely dismissed the ape, and I paid the price for that."

"And it was pretty much your fault he hates us in the first place," Swan reminded him before she cut and secured the length of gauze.

"You were the one who transformed him!" Rite snapped.

"Only because you ordered me to! Kind of!" Swan retorted. "I wanted to study him! Still do, really. And by 'study' I mean-"

"Please don't complete that sentence," Rite interrupted. He pulled his leg off of the stool and then slumped back onto a long couch, feeling the weight of the day's events wearing on him. "Enough moping. We must find some way to find the pigtailed pony if we're to have any hope of success."

"That's going to be tricky," Swan admitted, "all the spells for tracking and spying on ponies usually require some kind of physical component or connection to the subject. We don't even know his name. Or if he HAS a name."

"I'm well aware of the difficulty. And it certainly won't be helped by Equestria's leadership being on the lookout for us," Rite's spell to fix his tooth finished, and he squeezed his eyes shut as he rubbed at his aching jaw, "but we must do whatever it takes to recover the MacGuffin what's that light?"

Rite's eyes snapped open, and he stared at Swan Song, completely perplexed.

"Mister Rite?" she asked.

"Hold on. I could have sworn..." the crimson unicorn twisted his head back and forth. Then he closed his eyes and concentrated. "... What... What IS this? I can sense it!"

"Sense what, Sir?"

"The MacGuffin Stone! I'm sure of it! I need only close my eyes and think of the artifact, and a beacon appears in my mind's eye to tell me the way!" Rite said, his voice slowly growing more excited.

"Oh! Hey! Me too!"

Rite's eyes snapped open, and he saw that his intern had her eyes screwed shut and was pointing a hoof toward the wall. "You too? But... that means..."

The stallion grimaced as the gears in his head turned. "Of COURSE. The artifact must form a connection to anypony who uses it! Or... is imprisoned within it, I guess. THAT'S how the ape found us so quickly! I thought it was bizarre that he had tracked us down the night after our encounter when we were stalking about in the middle of nowhere!"

Swan frowned. "So, wait, anypony that ever interacts with the MacGuffin Stone can easily track it? Maybe the name is more appropriate than I thought."

"And that means that Princess Luna may very well now have this extraordinarily convenient ability," Rite grumbled, "this could complicate things. Not only must we assume that Equestria's leadership can and will track the monkey, but when we secure the MacGuffin Stone again, we're going to have a nice, bright, magical bull’s-eye on our flanks."

"Okay, so, what if we're sleeping, and we DREAM of the MacGuffin Stone? Would we get that light coming in suddenly and then wake up? That would be really annoying. It'd be like a nightlight you couldn't turn off," Swan Song grumbled.

"... Swan Song, why don't you go take a break? We've had a difficult night, and I have planning to do," Rite said as he rubbed his head again.

"Should I go cast more spells to fortify the defenses of your evil wizard tower, Mister Rite?" Swan asked, saluting with a hoof.

"IT'S NOT AN EVIL..." he paused mid-shout, forcing himself to calm down with a deep breath. "Yes, actually. That would be a good idea. Thank you."

The mare quickly trotted off down a staircase, oblivious to the lingering glare that her superior gave her.

"... I am not a villain," the stallion hissed quietly to himself, "with will, wisdom, and courage, I will show them all the way. A way to a better future. A way without... HER, or the worthless destinies that brand us for our lives." He clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, sensing the pulsing energies of the MacGuffin Stone glittering in the distance. "I am so close..."

Princess Celestia sprinted through the halls of Canterlot Castle, her breath heaving and a squad of Royal Guard on her heels.

She skidded to a stop before a large, reinforced set of double doors, each one carved with crescent moon motifs. She gave a quick, sharp nod to the pony soldiers behind her, and then her horn lit up and pulled the doors open.

"Luna! Are you all right?!"

Luna jumped in surprise, her wings flapping on reflex as she reared up. A paintbrush she had been levitating slashed down through the air, cutting a deep blue strip across the canvas standing in front of her.

Celestia blinked. Luna stumbled back to her hooves. Tiberius looked up from where he was curled up on Luna's bed, snacking on a strawberry.

"Sister, what is the matter?" Luna asked as she floated her art supplies away and onto a stand by her side. She had been painting, evidently, and several completed compositions were placed at the foot of the wall next to the window.

"I should be asking you that, Luna!" Celestia said, her voice wavering uncertainly. "I heard you had been attacked!"

Luna blinked. "Ah. Yes. That is true." At seeing her sister's incredulous stare, Luna raised an eyebrow. "However, I had intended to inform you of last night's misadventure this morning, when you broke your fast. There is no need for panic; this is not an emergency."

"No need for..." Celestia shook her head. "Luna, I believe that when a Princess of Equestria is ambushed and attacked, it very much qualifies as an emergency!"

The dusky alicorn nodded slowly as she turned back toward her painting, and her horn lit up. "Aye, I suppose it would." The stripe of misplaced blue paint stripped away from the canvas surface, rolling up and then streaming back into the pot where it was being stored. "But that encounter was resolved, and I am unharmed. As such I had imagined the immediate urgency had passed, and didn't think it worth interrupting your rest."

Then Luna frowned. "How is that you came to know of the ambush? It is not even time for your awakening, and I told none of the guards."

Celestia pursed her lips and stepped to the side. The Royal Guards, who had formed an armored wall in the doorway behind her, likewise parted to let a pony through.

Night Scythe limped through the doorway, almost stumbling as he walked on three legs. One of his forelegs was in a sling, he had a gauze pad over one eye, and both his wings were in splints. He was obviously in considerable pain, and seemed more annoyed than relieved to see his Princess unharmed.

It took Luna a few seconds to recognize the pony, and then she sucked in a breath through her teeth as her eyes widened.

"... Well, Luna?" Celestia asked.

"Ah. Captain Scythe. I... uh..." Luna's eyes darted back and forth, and she briefly toyed with the idea of teleporting away from the glare of the embittered batpony. "I... apologize... I believe I may have... uhm..."

"Forgotten about me. Yeah. I noticed," the Lunar Guard said, fighting to keep his voice even, "maybe I should have forgotten about YOU, since you don't seem at all bothered by the assassination attempt last night."

Celestia sighed and then gestured to the pony soldiers outside with her wing. The Sergeant saluted, and then the guards backed up and closed the doors before heading off to other duties.

Luna sat on her haunches, her head bowed as the white alicorn approached. "I offer my deepest apologies for abandoning you, Captain Scythe. However, I still believe this matter could have waited until Sister had woken normally and raised the sun."

"Maybe it could," Celestia said calmly, "but we're all here now, and I'm awake. So please, tell me what happened."

Night Scythe got as comfortable as possible next to Luna's bed, heaving a sigh. "Unfortunately, I don't really know what happened after the attack began. There was a lot of yelling, but I was fighting to get free and being surrounded by metal screwed up my echolocation. What I do know is that we were approached by one unicorn who tried to give Princess Luna a magic gem, and then a second unicorn attacked after I demanded to check the gem to make sure it was safe." He grimaced. "These unicorns had SERIOUS magic power. I got the first attack on the second one, but it managed to shield itself and polymorph me in rapid sequence. I was pretty much helpless."

Tiberius walked up to the edge of the bed and held out a half-eaten strawberry to the batpony.

"No, thank you," the guard grumbled, turning away from the possum.

Celestia nodded. "I see. Luna, how did they overcome you?" It was well understood that an alicorn posed a much greater danger than the guards that usually accompanied them; that was the only reason Luna got away with frequently leaving the castle with minimal security in the first place.

"It was the aforementioned gem," Luna grumbled, sitting up straight again, "it was no ordinary jewel. Once it touched my coat it stuck fast and began to drain my magic power. I too was rendered helpless before the upstart sorcerers." She wrinkled her snout briefly, wishing that there were some way to avoid revealing this next part. "The unicorns claimed that this gem was called... the MacGuffin Stone."

Night Scythe made a face. "Seriously?"

Princess Celestia, however, seemed stunned. Her jaw fell open, and her eyes widened in horror. "It... It can't be... It has resurfaced? The MacGuffin Stone?"

"SERIOUSLY?"

Luna quirked an eyebrow. "You have heard of the artifact, Sister? I have not."

"Only legends, Luna. It was thought lost ages ago, since long before the founding of Equestria. But..." Princess Celestia shook her head. "Never mind. We'll figure that out later. What happened next?"

"After that the villains had me at their mercy. Captain Night Scythe was trapped and I was helpless. I tried to escape, but with a single spell I was stricken from the sky." Luna shook her head. "Their ploy was a complete success. After I collapsed, the leader of the pair apologized for the assault, claiming that he had no ill will toward me."

This surprised Celestia and Night, and they shared a glance.

"So, what, were they just unusually powerful criminals? Was this for a ransom or something?" the Lunar Guard wondered.

"Nay, their aim was not so petty," Luna assured him, looking Celestia in the eyes, "the stallion of the two confessed that it was you alone he opposed, Sister, and that the assault was merely a necessary step in a greater plan against you."

Celestia recoiled. "Me? He attacked you to get to me?"

The smaller alicorn nodded. "And his plan may well have come to fruition. But then, HE appeared."

With a distinctly dreamy sigh and a flush over her muzzle, the dark Princess gestured toward the paintings stacked against her wall. Each one of them featured a dark gray earth pony stallion striking various action poses, with the exception of one that had been covered completely in a coat of black with "NSFW" labeling it.

"... Wait, what?" Night Scythe's good eye narrowed at the stallion. "Who's he?"

"I do not know," Luna confessed, tapping a hoof against the canvas on the easel in front of her. There was an outline of a stallion, crouched at the front, with one rear leg lashing out to attack. "However, when he appeared my would-be foalnappers were utterly outmatched. He dispatched them with ease, and then proceeded to rescue me from the MacGuffin Stone."

"Wait, WHAT?" Night Scythe repeated. This account was becoming more unbelievable by the moment. "How?!"

"He surprised the foe, much as they had surprised us," Luna explained, her eyes glazing over slightly, "he struck like lightning, and the unicorns could not bring their spells to bear quickly enough. They stood no chance." Then her expression cleared, and she scowled. "Surely he would have disabled and secured the fiends, were he not distracted with aiding my own plight with the MacGuffin Stone. They took the opportunity to counter-attack, and then spirited him away along with the artifact." She paused. "There was a great deal of confusion over his disappearance, however. I don't believe it was intentional. They fled the scene while I gathered my strength, bemoaning the failure of their enterprise."

Princess Celestia narrowed her eyes as she stared at one of the paintings, and then she levitated it higher to get a better look. She was considerably less incredulous than Night Scythe that an earth pony had trounced a pair of skilled sorcerers, but nonetheless she was quite suspicious. In particular, she couldn't help but take note of the stallion's cutie mark. The cluster of arrows pointing every which way was a symbol she had seen in only one other context: it was a favored glyph of Discord, spirit of chaos.

Her first thought was that Discord was running around in the guise of a pony and committing curiously heroic deeds, but she quickly wrote it off. Nothing about the encounter was in Discord's style or fit his personality. This was a new pony, and the mystery of his identity would likely have to be unraveled the hard way. The others, however...

"What can you tell me about your attackers?" Celestia asked. "What did they look like? Did they identify themselves?"

"Aye, they did. The unicorn stallion had rich, red fur with a mane the color of white ash and dark eyes. He introduced himself as Rite. I presume the name is in the context of magic rituals, seeing as he seemed an accomplished sorcerer. The other was a mare, her coat the color of emeralds, with a pitch-black mane and violet eyes. She was called Swan Song." Luna clicked her tongue. "Of course, there is no way to know if those were their true names. In addition, I was unable to see their cutie marks; the ponies wore thick robes that obscured their flanks."

Celestia's brow furrowed, and her expression darkened. "He... called himself 'Rite'? That's all? And you couldn't see his cutie mark?"

Luna nodded. "That is so. Might you know of this pony?"

"I just might," Celestia said grimly, "I will look into the matter. And I will need to research the MacGuffin Stone more thoroughly, as well."

"That's got to be a mistranslation, right? It's not actually called that, right?" Night Scythe's question was ignored as the Solar Princess continued.

"In the meantime, however, we must be on our guard for an assassin hunting for Princesses. Cadance and Twilight Sparkle may be in danger as well, now that you've escaped capture."

Luna nodded. "Indeed. And our agents must be on the lookout for the mysterious pigtailed stallion, so that he might be identified and located."

"... And the unicorns too, right?" Night Scythe asked.

Luna blinked. "Oh, well, yes. Of course. Them too." She coughed. "That was obvious enough that I did not believe it warranted an order, is all."

"Of course," Princess Celestia mumbled as she turned around and headed for the door, "I also don't think it needs to be said that you'll need to show more discretion until these unicorns are brought to justice, Luna. No more wandering distant forests with a token guard for escort."

"Oh, thank Luna," Night Scythe said in relief, "er, I mean, thank Celestia. That is, uh... thank you, Princess Celestia."

"You're welcome, Captain Scythe. Granted, my order was more for my sister's benefit, but I think you could use a break from your more trying duties." Celestia paused just outside the doorway, craning her head back to address her sister. "Luna, please get some rest for now. If my hunch is correct, I should have more information on your assailants when you wake to raise the moon."

Without waiting for a reply, Celestia headed out into the hall, her expression set in a determined frown.

Luna glanced over to Night Scythe. Tiberius was leaning over and patting the batpony's shoulder to try to comfort him, and the equine soldier was doing his very best to resist the attempt.

"So... how exactly did you suffer these wounds?" Luna wondered aloud, tilting her head to the side. "When we left, the only spell that had struck you was the polymorph."

"Yeah. It wore off in about an hour," Night Scythe grumbled, "that was also more or less how long it took for that chimera you knocked out to wake up."

Luna cringed, and her wings and ears drooped. "Ah... well... uhm... sorry. Again."

"Apology accepted," the Lunar Guard groused before he too headed for the door, "obviously, I'll be out of action for a little while to heal up. In the meantime, please don't search for this unidentified earth pony on your own. We have no idea who he is and he's obviously involved in this matter with the unicorns and their ridiculous gem. We don't know what his intentions are and he could be very dangerous." Night Scythe exited the room as he finished his warning, gently kicking the door closed behind him.

Luna glanced back at the paintings lined up against the wall, and then looked over to Tiberius.

Tiberius met her gaze and then squeaked inquisitively.

"Well, I'm not going to NOT do that," Luna scoffed.

Trixie often wondered about fate.

This was not, as some ponies suspected, the idle musings of an egomaniac looking for a way to justify her delusions of superiority and contempt for others. Trixie typically thought about fate from an objective philosophical perspective. She thought it honestly intriguing, and extremely relevant, to wonder about the potential nature of destiny as it related to ponykind, seeing as their magical nature and their cutie marks cast matters of self-determination and free will into stark relief. Trixie had never been the academic sort, so she tended not to compile her observations, thoughts, and theories into long-winded essays or reams of notes, so most ponies would be very surprised by how much of her long travels from town to town were spent ruminating on something so abstract.

Which wasn't to say that she wasn't an egomaniac, of course. But Trixie had always felt that her obvious superiority didn't need justification by something so obtuse. She wasn't great just because she was destined to be. If anything, it should have been the other way around. Any pony as fantastic and powerful as she was should be on a crash course for fame and fortune naturally!

If anything, in fact, Trixie wondered if fate was an impediment to her. Was she perhaps doomed to see her obvious potential unfulfilled because her true destiny was as a showpony? Did she have a host of talents and a hidden power that she would never think to develop because her fated career restrained her ambition?

Her questions rattled about in her head as the wheels of her cart rattled against the unpaved road. Dense forest and rocky hills bordered the path on both sides, and up ahead a small river was crossed by a single wooden arch bridge.

Accepting, as Trixie did, that she was the finest magical mind of her generation...

A mental image briefly interrupted her thoughts, showing a lavender unicorn with a stripe in her mane. Trixie shook her head violently, almost throwing the pointed wizard hat off of her head.

Accepting, AS TRIXIE DID, that she was the FINEST MAGICAL MIND of her generation, was it not odd that her ambition didn't extend much further than being a beloved entertainer? True, she hoped to be wealthy and famous one day, with a name that was spoken of from coast to coast without the addition of expletives or contemptuous snorts. But whenever she took the time to truly think on the matter of her greatness, it always seemed that her goals seemed curiously... petty. It was almost bizarre how much satisfaction she got out of the brief cheers or laughter of a crowd. It was strange that she so rarely bent her incredible magical talents to no greater purpose than to entertain others and impress upon them her superiority.

She had tried to do more than that, once. She'd found a way to surpass her rival Twilight Sparkle, and briefly held dominion over an entire town. Aside from the general giddiness of going mad with power and the fleeting glee of overcoming Sparkle, the incident had been positively awful. Once the dark influence of the Alicorn Amulet had passed, Trixie had felt terrible about the chaos she had caused for her own passing amusement, and she had absolutely no desire to revisit her grudge against Twilight yet again.

Which was curious, she decided. She hadn't learned any profound lesson in the debacle surrounding the magic duel. She didn't feel any particular regret at using the Alicorn Amulet to show up Twilight Sparkle. She DID regret the bout of insanity that had followed the incident, as well as the manifesto she had written and published alleging a vast wheel-based conspiracy that sought to undermine and eventually destroy pony civilization. But the lesson there was less about humility and more about checking the side effects of your key magic artifacts.

Was that the call of destiny? Did fate compel her to use her power for the amusement of the crowd, and punish her for seeking a path that didn't serve that end?

"Caw!"

The cry of a raven brought Trixie's attention back to the road, and she slowed her pace as she approached the bridge crossing. The wagon trundling behind her squeaked to a stop, and the blue unicorn searched the trees for the bird.

She found the dark avian perched on a branch sticking out over the river, its gleaming eyes scanning the water.

Trixie pursed her lips and returned her attention fully to her surroundings. Ravens were considered bad omens for travelers. For that matter, so were bridges; it was a favorite ambush spot for thieves and bandits.

She didn't see any signs of anypony else, so Trixie pushed on ahead with her gaze lingering on the bird. The wagon attached to her saddle harness clunked loudly as it started rolling along the path again. The rattling got louder as she trotted over the bridge, pulling her cargo over the uneven wooden planks.

"Caw!" The raven suddenly swooped down from its branch, descending on something immediately below the bridge and out of Trixie's line of sight.

She turned her eyes forward, dismissing the bird.

"CAW!" Then the raven shrieked loudly before it slammed into the bridge, bounced up over the edge, and landed in a heap at Trixie's hooves. The magician jerked to a stop, recoiling at the sight.

"Stupid birds..." groaned a voice from below. "I'm not dead..."

Trixie felt a chill run down her back at hearing the sound of somepony speaking. At least, she hoped it was somepony; equines weren't the only intelligent creatures around these parts, and were generally the friendliest.

She really didn't want to investigate the voice, but she wasn't so callous as to just walk by and pretend she'd heard nothing. With an aggravated frown, her horn lit up and the peg that attached her to her travel wagon slipped loose. After making sure that her vehicle wouldn't roll away on its own, Trixie reluctantly crept up to the edge of the bridge and looked down.

"Is anypony there? Hello?" Trixie called. She couldn't see anyone below, so she could only assume the voice was coming from under the bridge.

"... Hi," replied the voice after a brief pause.

Trixie blinked. She hadn't been expecting a reply quite like that. Whoever it was, the voice sounded feminine and non-monster-like, so she decided to continue.

"Are you okay down there?"

There was another pause. "Been better. How are you?"

Trixie frowned again. "Okay, look, Trixie isn't trying to make small talk, here. Do you need help? Because if not, Trixie would be happy to be on her way."

A grunt came from below. "Well, if Trixie is offering, I could eat something."

Trixie grimaced and headed down and around the bridge. "Trixie isn't going to just toss handouts to anypony she meets lying in the road. Who are you, anyway?" She walked down to the riverbank, and then leaned her head under the bridge to see who she had been conversing with.

At a glance, she had to admit that the pony lying under the bridge looked every bit like a downtrodden traveler desperately in need of assistance. She was a pegasus with a dark gray coat and a thick, bright red mane and tail, both of which were tied into braids. She was lying on her side under the bridge and looked generally wet, battered, and miserable.

"Hey," mumbled the bedraggled pony, "name's Saotome Ranma." She remained on her side, staring at the unicorn through tired blue eyes. This new pony was a rich azure in color, with a mane of silver colored with stripes of light, icy blue. She was also wearing a purple hat and cape covered in stars, which gave off a distinctly unsubtle "wizard" vibe. Ranma wasn't particularly in the mood to deal with more magic-wielding ponies, but her stomach wasn't in the mood for turning down offers of sustenance. There was no contest in a conflict between Ranma's brain and her stomach; the latter took complete priority.

Trixie furrowed her brow as she stepped under the bridge. "You stand in the presence of the Great and Powerful Trixie, Saotome Ranma," she declared, placing a hoof against her chest, "please note that's 'Great and Powerful', not 'Rich and Generous'. Trixie can't spare much in the way of food."

Ranma's eyes went large and dewy, and she stared up at the unicorn pleadingly. "I'll take anything! Please!"

Trixie snorted. She wasn't exceptionally moved by this mare's begging, but nor was she going to let a pony in need starve to death when she could easily help. "So, what's your deal, anyway? What are you doing out here?"

"It's... kind of a long story," Ranma mumbled, scraping at the side of her head with a hoof, "but the short version is that a unicorn zapped me into this river way upstream. I fell in and got swept into the rapids."

Trixie quirked an eyebrow. The river was moving quite gently under the bridge, and completely lacked the current necessary to challenge a pony that could swim. But upstream...

"Wait, you fell into the rapids? Trixie believes there's a waterfall some two hours up the river, but..."

"Yeah, there is," Ranma grumbled as she pushed herself up, "I kinda blacked out after I hit some rocks back there. I had a long night. Then I woke up to some dumb bird pecking at me."

Bad omen indeed, Trixie thought as she winced. "Are you... sure food is all you need? Trixie has medical supplies..." Granted, she wasn't exactly sure what she would do with them; Ranma wasn't visibly injured. But it seemed to Trixie that a drop off a waterfall and a likely concussion warranted more than breakfast.

"I'm REALLY hungry," the pegasus assured her.

"Fine," Trixie said with a petulant sigh, "follow Trixie and we'll see about getting you back on your hooves." She walked up the river bank, and Ranma followed behind her eagerly. As soon as Trixie looked up to the bridge, however, she stopped in place and grit her teeth.

"Aw, fireballs," she cursed.

Two earth ponies, a mare and a stallion, stood at the middle of the bridge, in front of her personal wagon. They both wore leather vests and leg bracers, and had short swords sheathed at their shoulders. They could have been the literal poster ponies for bandit-kind even without considering their cutie marks; the stallion had a black eye mask on each of his hips, while the mare had a small bag spilling over with diamonds.

"Well, well, well. It looks like this wagon might just belong to somepony," the stallion said with a snicker.

"Oh, what a shame! Here I thought we'd found some abandoned loot! How unlucky for us!" the mare agreed. "But even more unlucky for you!" The bandit ponies smirked.

Trixie groaned, rubbing a hoof against her muzzle. "This is NOT what Trixie needs right now..."

Ranma remained silent, staring at the bandits' weapons. They have swords? With handles? But they don't have hands! How would they use them? I have GOT to see this...

The stallion chuckled. "Aw, had a hard day? Well, maybe we can work something out. My name is Wagon Thief."

"Subtle," Ranma mumbled.

"... Sure. Now let's make a deal," the bandit stallion gestured behind him to Trixie's wagon. It wasn't very large, and the goods inside were mostly covered by blankets that matched her hat and cape. "This haul looks pretty worthless at a glance, but it IS conveniently loaded for easy swiping and transport. Also, me and my wife here were just about to set up an ambush to rob the next passer-by; finding a haul before we even had to bother has me in a good mood. So I'll tell you what: if you two turn around and trot off, we'll just take the wagon and be on our merry way without bothering you any further." He grinned. "Great deal, huh?"

Trixie's eyebrow twitched. "Does that spiel actually WORK on some ponies?" she spat, tilting her chin up and narrowing her eyes. "Do you cretins know who you're trying to rob? You stand before the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, FOOLS!!" As she shouted her name, Trixie reared up and glared at the earth ponies, and her cape whipped about behind her.

The bandits stared for a few seconds until Trixie landed back on all fours, and then the mare turned to her husband. "Wagon, you ever heard of any Trixie?"

"Can't say I have," Wagon arched an eyebrow, "you from out of town, Miss Great?"

Trixie started to growl something, but Ranma suddenly stepped forward and interrupted.

"Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute," the redhead demanded, jabbing a hoof at Wagon Thief, "your name is ACTUALLY 'Wagon Thief'? You weren't just being a smartass?"

The other ponies blinked. "Yes. So?" Wagon asked.

"My name is Jewel Thief, by the way," the mare interjected.

Ranma glanced from one bandit to the other, with her eyes lingering on their cutie marks. "So, wait, your parents actually named you 'Wagon Thief' and you 'Jewel Thief' when you were born? Like, in the expectation that you would become an ACTUAL thief? As part of a family called the 'Thief' family? Really?"

"Of course not," Jewel Thief said with a confused expression. Ranma looked slightly relieved until she continued. "I changed my name to 'Jewel Thief' when me and Wagon were married and I joined the Thief family. My maiden name is 'Jewel Swiper'."

Ranma fell back onto her haunches, her head spinning as she wondered at the implications. "This planet is so weird..."

"ANYWAY," Trixie said loudly, "if we can get back to the matter of you robbing Trixie, and Trixie's contention that that's NOT HAPPENING..."

The bandits both eyed Trixie with contempt, although neither had bothered to draw their weapon yet. "Come on, lady. I'm trying to be reasonable, here."

"Trixie scoffs at your pathetic 'reason'!" the unicorn barked. With a toss of her head, Trixie's wizard hat slipped up and revealed her horn to the brigands. "Trixie will give you one last warning: get your sorry flanks out of Trixie's sight, NOW!"

"Ooh, a unicorn! Scaaary!" laughed Wagon Thief as he and Jewel lowered their heads and shifted into fighting stances. "As if we've never dealt with magic before! You try anything and you're going to regret it!"

The next few seconds all passed in a hectic blur. Trixie's horn lit up. The bandits grinned wider. Trixie reached out to her cart with her magic. The bandits' eyes went wide. A loud sizzling noise came from a cluster of large red tubes packed into a corner of her equipment crate. The bandit couple twisted their heads around to bite onto the hilts of their swords, clearly panicked.

As the criminal equines drew their weapons, the sizzling turned to an ear-piercing whistle, and a pair of rocket fireworks blasted out of the cart. They immediately curved down through the air and struck each of the bandit ponies directly, exploding into colorful bursts of flame. Both thieves leapt off of the bridge and into the water in short order, screaming in pain the entire time.

"No contest!" Trixie declared before she galloped up to her wagon. "Beggar pony! Get in! Hurry!"

Trixie jumped into her wagon and slammed a hoof down onto the rear panel. Two small slats of wood fell off, and two more firework rockets popped out of the holes. These ones had their engines facing away from the wagon, and were locked into place as soon as they were set.

"Trixie will let you off with a warning this time!" the unicorn shouted as Ranma hopped into the wagon behind her. A flash of her horn lit the rocket fuses. "And, you know, the second-degree burns. But next time you won't get off so easy!"

The rockets ignited, and Trixie laughed victoriously as she, her wagon, and the luckless twit she had rescued were all blasted down the road at high speed. She quickly raised a hoof to her hat to pin it down, grinning as she watched the bridge fall away into the distance.

Her grin faltered slightly as she noticed something else. There was a large body lying on the ground, at the base of the bridge. It was hard to get a good look as she was speeding away from the "ambush", but Trixie swore that it looked like a griffon was curled up in the middle of the road, right behind the point where she had been making her stand against the bandits.

Come to think of it, there had been something strange about the bandits' behavior, too. They had seemed extremely confident up until she had used her magic, but had started panicking before she had actually cast her spell and before they could have guessed at its effects. They had been quite clear that they had dealt with magic before. It seemed to Trixie that their reaction was somewhat out of sync with the course of events.

"Hey, Trixie!" Ranma shouted, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Not that this isn't really cool and all, but... can you steer this thing?"

Trixie turned forward, noting that the road was starting to curve and that the wagon's path was not. Her horn glowed pink, and a gentle telekinetic touch adjusted their course. The rockets were starting to run out of burn by now anyway, and the loud whistle slowly petered out to a hollow hiss.

Before long the wagon's momentum faltered as well, and Trixie sighed deeply as her cart slowed to a crawl and finally stopped.

"Well, that went about as well as could have been expected," the magician mumbled, "although Trixie is going to have to make more fireworks, now."

"Ha! That was awesome!" Ranma cheered, slapping a hoof onto the side of the wagon. "I was afraid you were going to curse them to turn into some other animal that's slightly smaller but can still talk and fight almost as well."

Trixie fixed the pigtailed mare with a questioning look. "That sounds like it would be both extremely difficult, and completely pointless."

"I know, right? Doesn't stop some unicorns, though," Ranma grumbled, "anyway, can we eat now? I don't think those chumps are going to be catching up with us and I am STARVED."

Trixie's expression shifted from questioning to annoyed. "You're a cheeky one, aren't you? Show some gratitude to the Great and Powerful Trixie for deigning to share her hard-earned supplies with some pony hobo she dragged out from under a bridge!"

Ranma ducked her head down, and her eyes grew big and watery. A puppy-like whimper came from the pegasus.

"Ugh. Yes, FINE. Cut that out. Trixie wasn't intending to let you starve to death," the unicorn grumbled as she tossed aside a blanket that covered her food supplies, and then levitated up a burlap bag.

Ranma grinned widely as the sack was opened, although her smile wilted somewhat when she saw that the interior was full of raw oats. "Oh. I, uh, guess you guys eat this sort of thing, don't you?" Ranma mumbled as she poked her muzzle into the bag.

"What do you mean 'you guys'?" Trixie asked. The more this pony talked, the stranger she seemed.

Ranma chose to eat rather than talk, finally plunging her face into the sack and scarfing down the offered grains. Her father, Genma, would eat bamboo when he turned into a panda, so she had to reason that so long as she was a pony, she would do fine eating pony food.

Trixie waited patiently for her guest to finish, only slightly alarmed by the rate at which she devoured a five-pound sack of food. Her patience was sorely tested when the pegasus finally drew her head out of the empty bag and then held it up in her teeth.

"Seconds?" Ranma asked, smiling hopefully.

With a flicker of Trixie's horn, the bag shifted upward and slipped over Ranma's head.

"If Trixie wanted to give away all her supplies, Trixie would have given them to the highwayponies!" the magician growled. "At least they WORK for a living!"

"I work!" Ranma protested as she shook the bag off her head. Then she stopped to think. "Well, I mean, I CAN work..."

"Good! You can start by hooking yourself up to the wagon and towing Trixie to Hoofington," the unicorn said, jabbing a hoof down at the wagon's yoke, "if you can manage that, MAYBE Trixie will give you supper before ditching you there."

"Deal," Ranma hopped down and started tying herself to the wagon yoke.

Trixie sighed and lay down, satisfied that she could at least get a little free labor out of the hapless vagrant she had aided. She'd expected the mare to complain about having to work while famished and recently injured, but if anything she seemed happy to help. Soon the wheels of the cart were rattling against the ground again, and the wagon moved at a good clip toward Trixie's next destination.

"... So, what was your name again?" Trixie asked.

"Ranma."

"Strange name."

"Yeah. I guess if I was born around here I'd be named 'Face Kicker' or something." Ranma snorted.

Trixie considered that for a moment. "So... you consider fighting others to be your true destiny?"

"Destiny nothing. It just sort of happens." Ranma cracked her neck back and forth as she walked, and then she shook out her wings as well.

Trixie couldn't help but wince at the sight. Ranma's wings were filthy and the feathers were in complete disarray. "Trixie doesn't know much about wings, and this probably isn't any of Trixie's business anyway, but... yours look a little... neglected."

"Maybe. They kind of took a beating in the river. I'm not really used to them," Ranma admitted.

"You're not... used to your wings?" Trixie found that strange for a variety of very obvious reasons.

"Yeah. They're new."

Okay, yes, this was getting weird. "Your wings are... new. As in, you haven't had wings for very long, despite being a pegasus?"

"As in, I haven't been a pegasus for very long. Just a couple days. It's a unicorn's fault."

Trixie didn't have a response to that immediately, and she fell silent for a time as Ranma towed her and her wagon further down the road to Hoofington.

"...... Ranma?"

"Yeah?"

"You said that your ending up here was a 'long story'?"

"Yeah."

"We have plenty of time. Trixie would like to hear your long story."

"Oh. Okay, well... I suppose I should start with this kid I used to know and this magic rock called the MacGuffin Stone..."

Author's Note

Although in my other stories I have Luna speaking in a horrible mix of olde English and extremely formal modern speech, I've decided to stick with the formal modern speech here. Mostly because I don't want to put together another series where several of the most important characters talk like they have severe mental defects.

"Konbanwa" means "Good evening".

Hoofington

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 4

Hoofington

Wagon Thief and Jewel Thief shuddered as they pressed against each other, their ears folded and their heads bowed. Their eyes darted every which way, trying to fix onto anything other than the current focus of their fear and discontent.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, please," said a voice like velvet over steel. The wording would have implied it was request, but the tone suggested no such thing. The Thiefs jerked their heads up, and their eyes faced forward again.

Sylvia Hawke didn't look very intimidating, for a griffon. With a slight, small-ish body and exquisitely primped features, she resembled a pampered noble rather than a criminal. Her feathers were a metallic gray, and they tilted back at her crown to form a silver crest like the teeth of a rotary saw. She was dressed in a silk crimson robe and a matching ribbon on her tail, and had a glimmering sapphire ring on her right claw. She lay on a plush pillow atop a raised step, giving her the distinct visage of a queen receiving petitioners from her throne. This impression was aided by the pair of hefty stallion thugs standing on either side of her, glowering at said "petitioners".

"Now, explain it to me again. In detail. How did this happen?" Sylvia said softly.

Wagon Thief pursed his lips nervously, steeling himself to give his full report. "Okay. It started out simply enough. We were going to set up an ambush at Tanner crossing. Me and Jewel were planning to wait under the bridge and stop any travelers, while Tom set up to jump any marks from behind after we stopped them."

"Asinine," Sylvia remarked, "continue."

Wagon shared a glance with his wife, and then Jewel continued the report. "Well, we got to the bridge, and then we found that there was somepony already there. We found a small, loaded wagon all by itself, and then we heard voices from under the bridge."

"Jewel and I got into position in front of the loot, while Tom flew over to the trees past the bridge, right?" Wagon explained, making some largely pointless motions with his hoof to try to describe the setup. "The plan was to tell the wagon's owners to trot off, and then jump them if they tried to start anything."

"I can only imagine - given these results - that they did not 'trot off'," Sylvia interjected as her eyes slipped to the side.

On the side of the room was a young male griffon, only slightly larger than Sylvia, with dark, striped feathers. He had a cast mold over his head, a neck brace on, and there was currently a unicorn medic gently trying to set one wing in a splint. A pair of dark stripes cut over one side of the griffon's body, making it obvious that he had been run over recently.

"Okay, so..." Wagon gulped. "The marks show up and see us. Two mares - one unicorn, one pegasus - and the unicorn gets mad and starts trying to tell us off. The pegasus looked half-dead; she was soaked, exhausted, and I'm pretty sure she was begging the other mare for food, so she was apparently starved, too. Not a threat at all, right?"

Sylvia arched an eyebrow. "You tell me." Her tail swatted her pillow impatiently.

The stallion cringed and fought the urge to break eye contact again. "It became clear pretty quickly that the unicorn wasn't going to back down, so Tom breaks from the forest and creeps up on the pair. Quick and silent, just like always. Just as the unicorn was getting ready to zap us, Tom pounces." He paused. "That's when things... kind of... stopped going according to plan."

Sylvia's tail started swatting faster, even as the griffon's face betrayed very little apparent interest.

"Out of nowhere, the pegasus bucks Tom right in the chin mid-jump," Jewel said, kicking a leg back to imitate the attack, "it was like she knew he was coming! She didn't look behind her, she didn't shout anything, I don't even think she glanced back after he hit the ground! We were so surprised that we didn't even have our swords out when the unicorn finished her spell. And, well..." she brushed a spot on her husband's flank where the fur had been burned down to the root. He hissed in pain and hopped away. She had a similar spot on her back.

Sylvia nodded calmly. "I see. So, not only did a pegasus - who you claim looked to be on the verge of exhaustion - somehow get the drop on my son, but you also allowed yourselves to be bested without a fight and let the targets get away." Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Is that all?"

The two pony bandits spared an anxious glance at the injured griffon to their side, and then quickly turned back to Sylvia.

"Also, the mares kind of ran Tom over when they escaped," Wagon admitted.

Sylvia's crest twitched upward, and both the bandit ponies flinched back.

"... I see," Sylvia said again. Her voice was as perfectly calm as ever. "Do you two remember why I let my son participate in your petty little ploys?"

Wagon raised a hoof cautiously. "So that we can... show him the ropes?" he asked hopefully.

"I let him follow you two dregs because he has to learn, yes," Sylvia said, nodding her head, "he has to learn what the art of the thief and mugger looks like and how it's conducted, so that he can rise above that sort of tripe. So that he realizes the kind of scum he has to work with, and how far he is above you. I did not let him tag along with you so that he could act as your personal attack hound and defeat resisting targets for you."

The bandit couple ducked their heads shamefully, but kept their mouths shut.

"More to the point, I explicitly wanted you two to keep him from getting hurt at all costs," Sylvia continued, "and what happened here?"

"We let him get hurt," Jewel mumbled pathetically.

"Very good, Mrs. Thief." The griffon sighed. "Obviously, we'll be correcting for this in the future. You two will be paying EXTENSIVELY for this misstep." The two ponies started whimpering, but then stopped as Sylvia's eyes narrowed again. "But there are, obviously, two other ponies that need to answer for this. Who are they?"

Wagon Thief nodded his head eagerly. "It's those mares! The Great and Powerful Trixie and... uh... that redhead!"

"'Great and Powerful', hm? We'll see about that." Sylvia slowly stood up from her cushion, still staring down at the trembling ponies below. "As for you two, you're going to draw me a picture of the equines that hurt my little boy. Then you're going to sit in the cellar keep and think long and hard about your errors."

"Yes, Miss Hawke! Thank you, Miss Hawke!" Jewel Thief groveled, kowtowing to the griffon.

"Be quiet and get out of my sight," Sylvia said flatly, walking down the step and past the cowering bandits, "I have to go hurt some ponies."

"So, after I break the MacGuffin Stone off of this other pony, I head over to grab it so that I can get my clothes back. Of course, now I know that I really should have made the Swan Song chick change me back to a human first. Before I even get to the gem, that Rite guy shoots a bunch of magic missiles at me."

Ranma shook her head wearily as she continued hauling Trixie's wagon down the road through the forest. Trixie lay atop her blankets piled within the wagon, her brow creased in an expression of deep contemplation.

"He got a lucky hit in, and I landed next to the MacGuffin Stone and nabbed it. But then Song throws some other spell at me. She called out 'stunner' or something, but I ended up appearing over a rushing river, next thing I knew. I barely managed to bite onto the MacGuffin Stone before I hit the water. GOD I miss my hands."

Ranma paused in her tale as she considered the end of her battle against the pony sorcerers. "I think my magic allergy might have been acting up. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to let me escape, even though I was just about to wallop them. Especially since I had their magic rock. Sparkle said it makes magic react to me differently, or something. I didn't really get it. And the magic blasts seemed to work on me just fine. Hmph."

Another silence settled over the pair of ponies, disrupted only by the creaking of the wagon's wheels.

"Anyway, I blacked out after I fell down the waterfall, and then next thing I know some bird is pecking at me. And then I hear you yelling. And you know the story from there."

Ranma let out a deep breath after she finished, nervously awaiting the judgment of the mare behind her. She had told Trixie about everything that had happened since that fateful night when Hikaru Gosunkugi had tricked her, without embellishment or omission, and so far complete honesty didn't have a great track record in fostering trust with the denizens of this world. While Ranma didn't especially care if random equines thought she was crazy or not, THIS particular equine had food, and had suggested that she might get more of it if she was in a good mood once they reached the next town.

"Okay... so... wait..." Trixie began slowly, her eyes narrowing. "If you're such a hotshot fighter that you could beat a draconic beast, why didn't YOU fight the bandits back there?"

Ranma blink-blinked. "Wait, so... you believe me?" She was fairly stunned at the prospect. Either Trixie was surprisingly trusting, or horribly jaded. Or a little of both.

"Is there any reason Trixie shouldn't?" the unicorn asked, "besides you just sitting around on your lazy flank while a pair of highwayponies tried to rob Trixie right in front of you?"

"Hey, I wasn't just sitting around! I got the third one that attacked us from the rear!" Ranma insisted.

Trixie paused as several aspects of that encounter suddenly clicked into place. "Huh. Okay, fine, but if you were REALLY that tough you could have trounced the other two bandits as well."

"Of course I could have!" the pegasus snapped back. "But I figured the 'Great and Powerful Trixie' wouldn't need any help dealing with a pair of amateur muggers!"

"Of course Trixie didn't!" Trixie retorted, mirroring Ranma's own response. "But that's not the point! Trixie went out of her way to help you and you didn't even take the initiative to assault Trixie's enemies!"

"Except for the one I did."

"Yes, except that one. Whatever," the unicorn snorted, "Trixie certainly hopes that you'll be more helpful to the NEXT pony that you pester for free food."

"Since you're making me pull you to the next town for it, it's not really free anymore, is it?" the martial artist grumbled.

Trixie ignored her as she dug around in her cart and produced a canteen of water. She lifted it up between her hooves, and her horn started to glow as she stared at it. "So, who was the pony you rescued?"

"When? In the Everfree, at Ponyville, in the forest, or at the bridge?" Ranma asked. "I save a lot of people. It can be hard to keep track."

"Don't be a smartflank," Trixie retorted, "Trixie meant last night, when you fought this 'Rite' person and his lackey. Who was the mare you saved from the MacGuffin Stone?" The canteen was surrounded by her magic power, and the container started to warm up.

"Oh, her?" Ranma paused to think. "I dunno. I don't think anybody said her name. I didn't get a good look at her, either; it was dark, and so was her fur." She shrugged. "Probably not important. These unicorns will apparently just attack anybody they happen to run into during their stupid evil plots."

A stream of warm water suddenly dropped on her back, and Ranma halted in surprise as the usual shift in gender swept over her. Now a stallion again, he twisted his head around to see a canteen of water levitating over his back and dribbling the last of its contents onto him.

"Huh. Interesting," Trixie said, tilting her head to the side, "so was this an effect of the polymorph and your 'magic allergy'?"

Ranma had to admit that was probably one of the most tepid reactions he'd ever gotten to a demonstration of his curse. Even Twilight had been surprised, and he had no reason to think she was any less experienced with magic than Trixie. "Not really. I mean, sort of, but only as far as letting me change from a stallion to a mare. Originally the curse came from these magic springs called Jusenkyou in China. China is a country back on my home planet." He started moving again, and this time maintained a faster pace thanks to his longer stride.

"Ah, okay. Alien magic." Trixie put the canteen away, apparently content with the explanation. "And what about this 'magic allergy' of yours? Where did that come from?"

"Now THAT'S new. No idea where that came from," Ranma answered, "could have been anything, I guess. I've been through a lot the last few days."

"You're definitely the most troubled moocher that has ever latched on to Trixie," the magician agreed, "it's also too bad that you lost that MacGuffin Stone thing in the river. Trixie would have liked to see such an artifact."

"Oh, I didn't lose it. I have it right here," Ranma stopped and turned his head to the side. Then he twisted his head back around, holding the MacGuffin Stone between his teeth.

Trixie stared. "... Where were you keeping that?"

Ranma spat the gem out onto his back, and then started walking again. "On me."

"No, Trixie is serious. You have no clothes or pockets, you're not a unicorn, and the MacGuffin Stone is too big for you to hide in your mouth or your mane. Where were you keeping it?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Consider it more 'alien magic'."

Trixie had a feeling that Ranma was just making fun of her, but in the absence of any better explanation, she decided to accept it. She levitated the MacGuffin Stone up to eye level, her horn glowing brightly as she looked over the jewel. A moment later her eyes shifted to become windows of solid white light, although the effect lasted but a moment.

Trixie's eyes returned to normal, and she frowned at the MacGuffin Stone. "Well, this is definitely no ordinary magic gem. Trixie can see all sorts of weird mana constructs inside. It also has a considerable magic charge; probably from that mare that was almost absorbed into it."

"Does it have my clothes?" Ranma asked. "When I was absorbed, I had clothes on."

Trixie glanced down at him. "Possibly. But judging by what you've told Trixie regarding the MacGuffin Stone, Trixie isn't going to start bombarding it with magic to see what happens. Especially considering Trixie's experience with the LAST magic artifact Trixie found." She paused. "Also, didn't you say you 'humans' are like big, bipedal ape creatures? Do you think your clothes would fit as a pony?"

"Aw, damn. You're right," Ranma muttered, glancing down at his extremely inhuman forelegs. "Well, it also had my wallet, though. It'd be nice to have some cash."

"Does your alien homeworld use bits as currency?"

"Damn it! Well... it has my student ID! I can show ponies what I really look like so that they don't think I'm crazy!"

"A picture of some strange creature that nopony's even seen before doesn't prove anything except that you somehow acquired a picture of a creature nopony's seen before. It won't really make the alien story any easier to swallow."

"DAMN IT!"

She floated the MacGuffin Stone back over to Ranma, who sighed and took it in his mouth again. Then he turned his head to the side, such that Trixie couldn't see the gem or what he was doing with it. When Ranma faced forward again, the MacGuffin Stone was gone.

"Crazy alien magic," the unicorn mumbled.

"Oh, hey! Is that Hoofington?" Ranma asked as he turned past another cluster of trees. In the distance, less than half a kilometer away, the forest gave way to small cottages and he could see thin trails of smoke rising from brick chimneys.

Trixie broke into a smile. "It is! The latest lucky village to be graced by the presence of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

"So, what do you DO, anyway?" Ranma asked as he headed for the edge of the town. "Do you sell fireworks or do those silly card readings or something?"

"Trixie is a showpony," the unicorn explained, standing up on her wagon and briefly adjusting her hat, "Trixie goes from town to town, amazing ponies with wondrous feats of magical brilliance!"

Ranma thought that over. "So... you're a stage magician? Really?" He furrowed his brow. "But isn't there magic all over the place on this planet? Sparks talked about magic like a doctor from my world would talk about a bad flu going around."

Trixie's expression fell. "Trixie's power is leagues beyond the feeble magics you see every day from the common unicorn! You may as well compare the royal castle to a crude stone outpost!"

"Huh... okay, I guess I can understand that." It still seemed strange to Ranma that a powerful wizard would be using her amazing spells to entertain people. It would be like him using his martial arts prowess to take up a career as an acrobat. Then again, who was he to judge?

I guess if she wasn't doing this, she'd probably be cursing people and creating annoying magic items. Seems like the type. It's better this way.

"If you feel like seeing some REAL magic, you should stop by after Trixie sets up tomorrow," the unicorn continued haughtily, "Trixie prefers spectators that actually have money, but you can watch anyway. Trixie is just that gracious!"

"Yeah, thanks, but I think I've had enough 'real magic' lately. I'll pass," Ranma replied as he entered the town proper, "so, where are we eating?"

Trixie narrowed her eyes again. "If you were hoping your subtle implication that Trixie is going to feed you again would go unnoticed, Trixie must disappoint you."

Ranma stopped pulling the cart and turned his head around. "Come on, Trix! You promised!"

"And now Trixie has a nickname. Great," the unicorn murmured, "Trixie didn't promise anything and doesn't owe you anything."

"But I carried you and your wagon all the way to Hoofington!" Ranma protested.

"In return for the food Trixie already gave you!" Trixie retorted. "Besides, we were only a few hours away from the edge of town!"

"I helped you with the bandits! It's not like they were trying to rob ME!"

"Trixie wouldn't have been CAUGHT by the bandits if Trixie didn't stop to help you in the first place!"

Ranma slapped his front hooves together and leaned on the edge of the wagon while making a pouting face at Trixie. "C'mon, Trix! Be a pal! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE?"

"And why should Trixie have to be a 'pal' to some cursed weirdo Trixie found at random on the road? Go back to Twilight Sparkle and bug HER for charity!" the unicorn growled.

Ranma decided to switch begging tactics. "But you're so much cooler and more reliable than she is!"

This gave Trixie pause. "W-Well... of c-course... Trixie is," she stammered, being fairly stunned at hearing that particular sentence outside of her dreams, "but, so what?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie wouldn't leave a poor, helpless, starving man-turned-pony hanging! You're better than that!" Ranma insisted.

Trixie didn't reply right away, staring hard at the pigtailed equine. "... Go back to the last part. About Trixie being better than Sparkle. Trixie liked that part."

"Oh, please! There's no contest!" Ranma said, waving a hoof off to the side. "Sparks was really nice and all, and she tried to help, but all she really did was hurt me. I'd much rather hang out with you. You haven't blown me up or ANYTHING!"

The unicorn chuckled happily. "That's because Trixie - in addition to possessing unsurpassed wisdom and arcane skill - also has a little talent called RESTRAINT," Trixie couldn't hope to keep a pleased grin off her face as she replied, "for example, do you recall how Trixie totally DIDN'T start trying to use the dangerous magic artifact as soon as Trixie got her hooves on it?"

"Exactly! Good call!" Ranma said brightly. "So anyway, food now?"

"Oh, okay. Sure." Trixie hopped down from the wagon and pointed to one of the larger wooden buildings. "That looks like a bar. They should have some food available. Just pull the cart up next to it."

"You're the boss!" Ranma chirped, smiling brightly. He positioned the wagon as instructed and then shook off the harness, following Trixie into the building.

Two hours and nearly eighty bits later, Trixie and Ranma exited the bar again.

"So, do you guys just substitute hay for beef, or for pretty much everything? I get that you don't eat meat, but you also have hay fries. Back on earth, fries are made of potatoes, so I don't know why you have to swap them out for hay in the first place. It's not meat, so it should be fine, right?" Ranma rambled on about the food as he positioned himself back into the wagon harness, preparing to tow Trixie's wagon to its next destination. "Also, hay tastes awful, so you should probably stick to potatoes. Blech."

Trixie's own mood had turned sour again as the effect of Ranma's praise had worn off and the loss of her hard-earned bits had worn on. The food had been cheap and barely edible by her standards, but neither quality had saved her from spending more on one meal than she usually spent on a week's rations.

She glowered at the martial artist as she stopped next to her wagon. "Trixie does not need your aid in hauling the wagon any longer, Ranma Saotome. You can leave at any time." Her tone suggested that now would be an ideal time, in fact.

Ranma stopped to think. "It's getting pretty late. Where are you staying tonight, Trix?"

Trixie recoiled, holding up a leg over her chest as if to shield herself from the stallion. "... If Trixie didn't know any better, Trixie would think you're propositioning her." She stared at him suspiciously. "But obviously, since your REAL species is some kind of space ape, that isn't true, right?"

"See, this is what I like about you, Trix: You GET me," Ranma said happily, "SOME girls I know would have just assumed I was flirting and slugged me without saying anything."

"Trixie is thrilled to meet your pitifully low expectations," the unicorn deadpanned, "anyway, since you're not hitting on Trixie, that means you're trying to get Trixie to rent you a hotel room, which is scarcely more welcome."

"What? No! No way!" Ranma protested, shaking his head. "You've been awesome so far, Trix, but I don't expect you to put me up in a hotel!" Then he coughed. "Of course, if you WEREN'T sleeping in a hotel tonight, and just set up camp somewhere in the forest nearby, then it wouldn't really cost you anything to have someone else tag along, right?"

"Why, yes, that WOULD be the case," Trixie said as her horn started to glow. Her magic surrounded the wagon harness and shifted it off of Ranma's neck. "But Trixie is, in fact, staying at an inn tonight. Seeing as there are apparently bandits roaming this forest, Trixie doesn't feel safe camping outside."

Ranma seemed undaunted. "Well, then you'll need someone to guard your wagon tonight!" He placed a hoof to his chest. "Which is convenient for me, seeing as it's pretty cold and I don't have any blankets or anything."

"Trixie doesn't NEED a guard for the wagon," Trixie insisted firmly.

"Even though there are apparently bandits roaming this forest?"

Trixie stopped short again, glaring at the stallion. Ranma smirked back at her, apparently thinking his logic irrefutable.

"Let's dispense with the pretenses, shall we?" Trixie said suddenly. "Trixie doesn't want you around to mooch off of Trixie anymore. You seem intent to stick by Trixie even while Trixie's patience and funding runs dry. This is a problem."

Ranma sighed, and his expression turned more serious. "Okay, okay, I get it. I promise that tomorrow I'll leave you alone for good, all right? No begging you for breakfast or following you around or anything. Once you come get your cart, you can go back to putting on magic shows and I'll go back to hunting down evil unicorns. Just let me use your blankets for tonight. I swear that you won't have to spend so much as one more bit on me."

The magician continued staring at him suspiciously. "And why should Trixie trust that you'll do as you say?"

"I swear on my honor as a martial artist!" the stallion declared firmly.

Trixie's expression didn't change.

"... Also, if you're willing to trust me that I'm actually an alien somehow transported to your planet and then turned into a pony by evil unicorns who want to take over the world, what's the point of being skeptical now?"

"Tch!" Trixie clicked her tongue in irritation. "All right, fine. Trixie will hold you to this agreement. Now get the wagon and follow."

Ranma happily hooked himself up again and towed it along behind the magician as she trotted down the street. Hoofington wasn't a very busy town, at least at this time of the afternoon, and there were merely a few dozen ponies trotting about the town's rocky dirt roads besides him and his magical benefactor. A large log-cabin building was on the side of the road, clearly of the size and design of a typical roadside inn. There was an open-wall, thatched-roof structure next to the main building, and Ranma spotted several other wagons within that had been left behind a series of flimsy wooden gates.

"So the horse sleeps in the hotel and the human ends up in the stables, huh? Funny," Ranma smirked.

"Why is that funny?" Trixie asked.

"It's an Earth thing. You wouldn't get it," the martial artist replied while he pulled the cart and the unicorn into the crude "garage" of the inn. He headed into a stall, and then glanced behind him as Trixie hopped out onto the ground.

"So, uh, listen, Trix," Ranma began awkwardly. Trixie stopped and looked back at him with an unreadable expression. "I just wanted to thank you for helping me out back there. And here, too. I mean, you made it pretty obvious that you don't really like helping out strangers you find on the side of the road, and I guess those bandits wouldn't have bothered you if I hadn't held you up. So... you know... thank you."

Trixie continued to stare as the pigtailed equine fidgeted, as if silently weighing the gesture of gratitude in her head against the effort she'd put into helping him. Eventually her expression relaxed slightly.

"You're welcome, Ranma. Trixie supposes it wasn't so bad to have some company on the road, and you certainly seem at ease towing Trixie's luggage." She turned around and started heading to the inn again. "Good luck with the sorcerers. And if you happen to actually come up with enough money to buy your own food, Trixie wouldn't mind showing you to the next town after Trixie's done here."

Without waiting for a response, Trixie trotted up to the inn entrance, leaving Ranma to "protect" her belongings. Ranma proceeded to pull one of the mare's star-patterned blankets from atop her traveling cart, and laid it down on the ground. After spending a little longer digging through Trixie's things, he eventually produced a lumpy pillow, and he dropped it next to his bedding.

"Bleagh. I hate handling stuff with my mouth," the martial artist griped as he lay down over the blanket and pulled it around himself, "maybe I should have left the MacGuffin Stone behind with the evil unicorns. At least then I'd be able to track them down and force them to turn me back. This pony thing just isn't working out. Not having to turn into an animal was just about the ONLY advantage of my curse!"

Curling up on the blanket, Ranma quickly felt his eyelids drooping. It was a little too early to be going to bed, but he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep since Zecora had treated him to dinner. Although he had obviously lost consciousness at some point during his unwilling trip down the river rapids, that hadn't exactly been refreshing.

With a contented, tired sigh, Ranma fell asleep.

"Evening, Speedy!"

Speedy Snaps looked up from her newspaper to see a batpony stallion walking into her office, a large scroll pinned under one wing.

"Evening, Fangs," Speedy said, turning her eyes back down to her newspaper, "what's the word?"

The batpony rolled his eyes at the nickname. His name was Blackwing, but Speedy always referred to him as "Fangs". He actually suspected she called all batponies "Fangs".

"I have a new bounty dispatch from the royal office. Not much on him, though. Just a picture." He flipped his wing out, and the scroll arced through the air and landed on the counter. "Apparently Princess Luna got up early today just to send it out."

Speedy raised an eyebrow, and then pushed aside her newspaper before unfurling the scroll.

She whistled in appreciation and her wings twitched slightly. "Hey, this one's a looker! And you said this came from Princess Luna? What'd he do?"

"Well, that's the thing..." Blackwing mumbled, frowning, "we're not actually sure. The bounty is 500 bits for information on the stallion such that we can identify him and track him down, but there's no crime given, and apparently we aren't authorized to arrest him. We don't have anything on the guy except for that image, either; not even his name! It's strange."

"Yeah, that IS strange," Speedy's eyes narrowed as she stared at the pigtailed earth pony on the parchment. He was painted in exquisite detail, with his body in profile and his head turned toward the viewer. Particular attention seemed to be given to his muscle definition and posing, and while that wasn't usually a quality bounty posters were known for, she appreciated the extra effort. "Why would the Princess want information on some pony she doesn't know who didn't even do anything? I'm not buying it."

"Well..." Blackwing trailed off when Speedy Snaps stared intensely at him, as if boring into his eyes for more information. "Okay, look, this isn't official or anything, okay? This is just stuff I've heard passed around the barracks."

"I LOVE information that's passed around the barracks," the pegasus grinned and batted her eyelashes, leaning forward over the counter.

Blackwing sighed. "Okay, well, first off, it's been going around that Princess Luna was attacked the other night during one of her 'late night adventures' in an attempt to capture her. I'm pretty sure that much is true, but I don't have any of the details. Obviously the attack failed, and apparently the Princesses are still sorting things out before making anything public knowledge."

"Juicy!" Speedy giggled and rubbed her hooves together. "Still doesn't explain the stud in the painting, though."

"Well, like I said, we CAN'T explain him. That's why we're searching for him. But given that Princess Luna is suddenly asking for information on this guy the night after, rumor has it he had something to do with the attack. That's all I got."

The pegasus rubbed at her chin after Blackwing fell silent. "So the hunk is wanted in connection to a conspiracy to abduct an Equestrian Princess, huh?"

"That... isn't really what I-"

Speedy already had a quill in her jaws and was writing out notes. "Okay, I'll have this run and sent out by tomorrow morning. Wide distribution, obviously, since it's by royal request. I'll make a note of that, too; it should get extra attention for the dispatch, since the bounty's a bit low. We should have the guy nabbed and hauled into jail within the week."

Blackwing winced. "Um... you DO remember that we're just looking for information, not an arrest, right?"

"And it will be easiest to get information from him while he's locked up for interrogation!" Speedy Snaps said brightly.

The batpony frowned. "I can't help but feel there's something wrong with that logic."

"Don't worry about it," Speedy scoffed as she rolled up the picture again, "this guy is involved in attacking Princesses Luna, right?"

"Well... maybe?"

"We can't take any chances when it comes to the safety of the Princesses! If this pony isn't involved in the abduction conspiracy himself, then he might know something crucial about it! We have to use all means possible to bring him in and stop this rash of treason!" Speedy stood up on her hind legs and slammed a hoof onto her desk firmly. "Besides, if he's innocent, then we'll let him go later. No big deal."

"Huh... well, when you put it that way, the security of our sovereigns DOES seem more important than any particular inconvenience this guy suffers due to the gross violation of his rights," Blackwing shrugged his shoulders and started heading out the door, "all right, I'll leave it to you, Speedy."

"Got it! Good night, Fangs!"

Trixie magically scrubbed her coat with a towel as she exited the bathroom, a contented smile on her face. She had been in an iffy mood earlier after rooting through her travel funds and making a mental budget, but washing off the dust of her travels had helped that considerably.

Tossing aside the towel, Trixie turned up her wizard's hat that lay on her room's bed with her magic, and then settled it upside-down on the blankets before weaving another spell. A scroll of parchment and an ink quill floated out of it, and Trixie levitated both objects onto a small desk.

"Ranma may have set Trixie back several days in bits and food, but at least ONE good thing came of meeting him. That story of his will make decent puppet show." She started scratching the quill against the parchment, taking down a list of names and roles. "Trixie will have to tone it down a bit, of course; it's WAY too fantastic and unbelievable for a children's story." She took a moment to marvel at the fact that for once she needed to alter a story to make it less dramatic and amazing rather than more so. "And obviously that 'MacGuffin Stone' will need a new name. Maybe 'Star Jewel'? Or 'Cosmic Tear'. Yes..."

Trixie wet her lips as she sketched out the artifact Ranma had shown her, and then she wrote out several prototype names below it.

"Trixie also wonders if the curse is strictly necessary..." then she brightened. "Ooh! Wait! What if a stallion falls in love with him while he's changed into a mare? And then he doesn't believe the hero when she claims to actually be a male! That would be funny!" The unicorn chuckled as she started writing more plot notes down. "Trixie is SO original!"

As the sun's light waned outside, Trixie continued writing notes and musing aloud to herself, filling out page after page of parchment. Some contained plot outlines, some contained lists, and others had sketches of new dolls she'd need to make for the story. Soon she was working on her play by the glow of a magic candle next to the bed as dusk finally gave way to night.

"It will probably work best if Trixie just uses a doll that changes mane color with a spell. The audience should get a kick out of that..." She paused and scratched at her chin with a hoof. "Actually, is there a way to set the change to occur with water, like the actual curse? It shouldn't be TOO hard to find magic dye. Maybe-"

A firm knock on her door interrupted her thoughts, and Trixie's eyes narrowed.

There were only two ponies that knew she was here right now. Excepting the possibility that her late evening visitor had the wrong room, that meant either Ranma or the desk clerk for the inn was at the door. She couldn't imagine what the front desk would be bothering her for at this time of night, so that left her cursed tag-along as the most likely culprit.

He'd better not be coming up here to ask if he can have a snack before bed or something. Setting her expression into a steely scowl, Trixie walked up to the door and then magically turned the knob.

Then she blinked. A female griffon sat in the hall outside Trixie's room with a burly stallion standing behind her. It seemed that her visitor had the wrong room after all.

"Can Trixie help you?" the magician asked, arching a brow.

"Why, yes. Miss Trixie can," said the griffon. Her voice was cool and over-dignified, and Trixie felt herself straighten unconsciously just from her tone. "Is she in?"

Trixie blinked. "Pardon?"

The griffon cleared her throat lightly. "My name is Sylvia Hawke, and I have an... impromptu appointment with the 'Great and Powerful' Trixie. Go fetch her."

Trixie's eyebrow twitched and her fur bristled. "You're LOOKING at her, featherbrain!" the unicorn snapped. Both the griffon and the stallion jumped in surprise at the sharp retort. "How dare you mistake Trixie for some kind of... of... SECRETARY!"

Sylvia recoiled, staring hard at the furious unicorn. "... You speak in the third pony? Seriously? How pitifully droll."

Trixie trembled in anger for a moment, and then suddenly shifted expressions to one of haughty indifference. "Your request for an appointment is DENIED, Miss Hawke. Good night." With a flash of pink around her horn, the door slammed shut. A sharp click after the fact indicated that the deadbolt lock had been put into place.

Sylvia sighed. "Well, this is turning out to be pointlessly complicated." She pointed at the door. "Take care of that."

The stallion next to her nodded wordlessly and turned around, facing away from the hotel door. A single heavy kick of his rear legs folded the door in half before ripping it off of its hinges, and Sylvia smirked slightly as she was treat to the sight of the gaping blue unicorn within the room.

"I see you have some misconceptions about what's happening, here," the griffon said softly as she raised her arm. The ring on her claw started to glow. "When Sylvia Hawke demands an appointment, you don't get to deny her." Then she frowned. "Oh, blast. Now I'm doing it, too."

Trixie's horn flashed as her magic came alive, but it seemed she acted too late. Sylvia's ring completed its work, and several motes of white light sparkled around Trixie's head before she was suddenly overcome by an intense, magically induced exhaustion.

"You... f-feather... buh..." Trixie slumped onto the floor and fell asleep without any further resistance.

"Works every time." Sylvia pointed to the unicorn on the floor, and the earth pony next to her lumbered forward to pick up the unconscious mare.

There were a few ponies poking their heads out of their hotel room doors now, alerted by the sound of a door being smashed in, but Sylvia paid them no mind. None of them dared say anything, much less interfere, as she strolled down the hall with her victim carried along behind her.

She descended the stairs and strolled through the lobby, pausing next to the front desk. The unicorn that manned the desk was sweating and trying desperately to direct his attention away from the guest of his hotel being openly abducted in front of him.

"Now, then. I don't suppose you heard of another mare coming into town today? Red mane, braid?" Sylvia asked, tilting her head to the side.

"N-No, Miss Hawke! I haven't seen or heard anypony like that!" the clerk said nervously.

Sylvia nodded. "Considering how easily you gave this one up, I'm inclined to believe you. Have a good night, Sir."

Without further delay, the griffon and her equine lackey exited the front door of the inn and stepped out onto the streets.

"All right. So far this has been going quite well, but we're only half done." Sylvia stood in the middle of a ring of stallions of varying races, all of them sporting thick, slab-like muscles and cutie marks of blunt and violent instruments. "I'm going to take our Great and Powerful guest home, for now. The rest of you I want to comb the town for the other mare."

The stallions all glanced about the streets while taking turns nodding and grunting. The few ponies watching the spectacle - either from the streets or from their bedroom windows - quickly turned away and made themselves scarce, not wanting to get involved.

"In case you forgot - being as dim as you all are - she is reported to be a pegasus mare, gray coat, bright red mane, with her hair and tail in a thick braid. Cutie mark is a wheel of arrows or something. Go on, now." She made a shooing motion with her claw, and all the ponies aside from the one carrying Trixie turned away and scattered.

Sylvia turned down the street and beckoned sharply with a claw. Her escort quickly moved to her side, although his pace was carefully measured so as not to wake up his passenger.

"As for you, Miss Trixie, enjoy your nap. When you wake up we're going to have a nice, long talk about showing proper respect to your superiors..."

"So, Thief said the mare had a cart, right?"

"Yeah. So?"

"SO, we know she was holed up in the inn, so we should go ahead and nab it while we can."

"Why? We have a job to do."

"Hey, if we don't loot it now, then it will just sit around in the stables until somepony else does. Waste not, want not."

"This is SO not the right context for that saying."

Ranma stirred in his sleep at the sound of a pair of stallions arguing right outside the gate. It was hardly enough to wake him up, but even unconscious his body was starting to react to the ill intent of the pony thugs.

"I'm serious! If we get caught slacking off when we're supposed to be tracking somepony, it could be our heads!"

"Okay, let's do this, then: we'll root through it for any good stuff, and then bring the rest back to Hawke's place and give it to her. Since the mare belongs to her now, the cart belongs to her too, right?"

"Except for the stuff we take from it?"

"Exactly!"

A sigh came from the other pony. "Do you have any idea how to tell which wagon is hers? Tonight isn't a good night for just robbing folk at random."

"Well, Thief said that the mare was wearing some stupid-looking hat and cape with stars on it. If I were a betting colt, I'd say it would be the wagon full of cloth with the same pattern. Bingo."

The sound of hooves stepping across the ground stopped just next to the wagon, and Ranma stirred.

"Eh? Whozzat?"

Ranma blinked rapidly as he rolled into a sitting position, still highly drowsy. He yawned, rubbed at his muzzle, and then locked his bleary-eyed stare onto the pair of stallions craning their heads over the wooden gate that separated Trixie's stall from the rest of the stables.

One of the ponies, a tan pegasus, narrowed his eyes. "Huh... gray fur... mane and tail in a braid... arrow-wheel thing cutie mark... I think this might be our pony!"

The other stallion glared at him. "That's three things outta six, ya idjit. This one isn't even a pegasus!"

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Say what? You guys are looking for a pegasus?"

"That's right. A pegasus mare," snorted one of the thugs, "looks kind of like you, as I hear it, but with red hair. Same cutie mark, too."

"We're looking to teach the uppity little brat a lesson," grunted the other stallion, smacking a hoof into the wooden gate. The flimsy plank shattered easily under his strength, and the pony's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't happen to know her, would you?"

Ranma kicked away the blankets and stood up. "Yeah, I do. You were actually right the first time. That's me." He stretched his neck from side to side, eliciting a satisfying crack.

The stallions stared.

One of them opened his mouth and raised his hoof, but nothing came out. He closed his mouth and frowned, scratching at his mane.

"Yeah, I know, it doesn't really make sense, but there's a reason for this. I'm not going to waste time explaining it; you probably wouldn't even believe me." Ranma started folding up the blankets to put back into Trixie's wagon.

The stallions glanced at each other, and then turned back to the pigtailed pony.

"So... you're the mare we're looking for? The one that we're intending to beat up and capture?"

"Yes," Ranma said as he tossed the blankets up into the cart.

"Despite having no wings, red mane, or..." he tilted his head over, trying to get a better view of Ranma's backside.

"YES," Ranma said more forcefully, quickly turning to face the other ponies and pinning his tail closer to his rear. He may have gotten used to public nudity in general, but that didn't mean he WANTED ponies checking out his equipment.

The thug ponies shared another glance.

"So... are you trying to give yourself up so we don't hurt you?" one of the stallions asked, still extremely confused.

"Oh, no, you can go ahead and hurt me. I'm DEFINITELY not going with you willingly," Ranma explained with a short laugh, "are there just two of you, or do you have backup? You can go round up some buddies, if you want. I'm not going anywhere."

While one of the stallions was looking ever more perplexed, the other started backing away. "You know... I'm, uh... kinda getting a vibe here like we're in over our heads."

"Oh, come off it," his partner scoffed, "the punk is just acting tough to scare us."

Ranma simply leaned against the wagon and yawned again, awaiting their decision.

"Well, I'm going to go get some of the guys, just in case," the more cautious of the two crooks started to turn around.

The other quickly rounded on him. "Whoa, hey! Don't do that! If you bring them here, then they'll want a piece of the action when we loot the wagon!"

Ranma's eyes snapped wide open, and his body immediately shifted to an alert posture. "... Did you just say you were going to loot the wagon? This wagon, right next to me?"

"Yes, that wagon, specifically," sneered the pegasus stallion, "so what?"

The other minion pony wasn't completely sure what happened after that. He had been backing out onto the street, about to shout for his fellow roughnecks, when his partner suddenly flew through the air overhead without the aid of his wings. The pegasus landed atop a pyramid of stacked barrels, smashing several apart and then burying himself in the remaining containers.

"Well, all right, then," Ranma said as he trotted toward the remaining thief, "looks like I've got a job to do."

"Hey, guys!" the other stallion shouted, quickly turning away. "We found something! Hurry up and-"

Ranma kicked out his back legs, and the thug fell onto his side with a yelp. Then the martial artist pinned the other pony down by his neck and glared out at the streets.

"Anyone else want to try robbing the wagons?" he shouted as the stallion squirmed beneath his hoof.

There were a handful of other stallions who had heard their fellow minion's call to action, but they each quickly turned away and elected to search elsewhere after seeing him so easily dispatched. They had a job to do, and they weren't going to stick their necks out for some moron stirring up trouble that had nothing to do with their objective.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Ranma glared down at the pony under his hoof. "So, out of curiosity, why were you looking for me, anyway?"

"You're not getting anything out of me!" growled the other stallion defiantly.

Ranma stopped to think. "Well, let's see... you were looking for my mare form, but didn't know about my stallion form, even though I changed back before I got into town. You look like you're from around here, and you're obviously some kind of criminal..."

He smirked down at the equine. "You have something to do with those bandits that tried to jump me and Trix at the bridge, don't you?"

"Urk!" The roughneck cringed, but then his expression hardened. "Well, fine, so you may have figured that much out! But you won't get anything else out of me!"

Again, Ranma paused to think. "That's okay. I don't really have any other questions."

The stallion blinked in surprise. "Really? You don't even care where we took the unicorn or what we're going to do with her?"

"What?! You captured Trixie?!"

"D'OH!"

Ranma clenched his teeth as he put more pressure on the stallion below him. "All right, what's going on? What happened to Trixie?!"

The stallion coughed. "Okay, NOW you won't get anything else out of me! For real! Totally serious this time!"

"Tch! Fine." Ranma raised his free leg, and the stallion's eyes widened in fear.

"NowaitonsecondthoughtI-" A hoof collided harshly with his head, and the pony was knocked out instantly.

Ranma stepped away from the unconscious criminal, furrowing his brow. "Well, shoot. I thought they might try to steal the cart, but I didn't think they'd try to attack Trix. How am I gonna find her?"

He glanced about at the darkened streets, wondering if he should go attack the other ponies apparently searching for his female side. It shouldn't be too hard to pick out the criminals; their cutie marks hardly made them inconspicuous, and he was sure that if he asked their names they'd be called "Knee Breaker" or "Midnight Mugger" or something along those lines.

Ranma didn't really like the idea of going out of his way to pick fights, though. He had enough trouble coming to him already, and all he had done was kick one person for completely legitimate reasons.

He walked over to the inn, instead. Maybe there would be some clues or a witness inside, if she was kidnapped straight out of her hotel room. Poking his head in through the front door, Ranma spotted a visibly nervous unicorn stallion manning the front desk.

"Oh, hey! I need to talk to you," Ranma entered the lobby fully, and the unicorn immediately flinched away.

"Look, I already told Miss Hawke everything I know!" the pony protested. "I don't know about any red-maned pegasus, honest!"

Wow, I am GOOD at this detective thing, Ranma thought to himself. "So I'm guessing 'Miss Hawke' is involved with kidnapping Trixie?"

The desk clerk looked shocked, blinking repeatedly. "Wait... you're... not one of Sylvia's thugs?"

"No. I'm Trixie's thug. For tonight, at least," Ranma walked up to the counter and placed one leg on top of it. "So who's this 'Sylvia' pony?"

The clerk pursed his lips, and then heaved a defeated sigh. "Okay, look here: what I'm about to tell you didn't come from me, all right? If anypony asks you where you got this information, you lie through your teeth!" Then he snorted. "Not that I'm sharing any big secrets, anyway. Everypony in this region knows about Sylvia Hawke. But I've had enough trouble tonight and I don't want more!"

"Got it. My lips are sealed if yours aren't," Ranma promised.

"First off, Sylvia Hawke isn't a pony. She's a griffon who's dominated all the local bandit gangs and thieves' guilds. She's the most dangerous and twisted critter this side of the Badlands."

Ranma nodded slowly. "A griffon, huh? Those are... half eagle, half cat, right?" He shuddered. "Yeah, that sounds pretty evil."

The unicorn found it slightly odd that he had been commenting on her species rather than her acts of villainy, but he continued anyway. "Anyhow, all you need to know is that Miss Hawke wanted Miss Trixie abducted. Marched right upstairs, smashed the door down, and walked right on out of here with the poor mare sleeping like a baby."

Ranma frowned. "And, what, you just LET her?"

"And what was I supposed to do about it?" snapped the clerk. "Nopony in this town defies Sylvia Hawke! Nopony!"

"Yeah, well I'm not from this town," the martial artist snorted, leaning further forward, "where can I find this half-cat crook?"

"Down the big avenue that leads up to the hill on the North side of town," the clerk gulped, "she'll be at the Mayor's mansion."

"The Mayor's... wait, she even stole your Mayor's place?" Ranma well understood the difficulties of dealing with individually powerful, violent tyrants, but he figured that the citizens would draw the line SOMEWHERE.

"Well, not really. Sylvia Hawke IS the Mayor," the unicorn explained.

Ranma stared at him incredulously. He stared back.

"What?"

"You mean to tell me you guys actually VOTED to have an evil, thieving mob-boss cat-thing take over your town?" Ranma demanded.

The clerk looked even more confused. "Voted? What's 'voted'?"

"This planet sucks," the pigtailed pony murmured as he turned away, "whatever. Thanks for the information. I'm going to go beat up your Mayor now."

"Yeah, good luck with that," the desk clerk mumbled, "see, Miss Hawke has this magic..."

The unicorn trailed off as the door closed, leaving him alone in the inn's lobby.

"Huh. Well, I guess he'll find out on his own, then."

Trixie groaned and shifted about in her sleep, rolling to her side and then curling up into a ball.

"Isn't she just the cutest little thing, though? I DO hope I don't have to ruin that darling little face..."

Trixie started to stir, her eyes slowly parting as awareness came back to her.

Just as her eyes started to focus again, the memories crashed on top of her; of being talked down to by an unfamiliar griffon, of her hotel room door being smashed apart, and of the griffon's ring glowing with magical power. Trixie's muscles locked up as a dizzying sense of fury intruded on her instinctual attempt to take in her surroundings.

"Easy, dear. The slumber ring can be a bit hard on a pony when they wake up," said a calm, lilting voice nearby. It carried an air of detached politeness, but the undercurrent of amusement was unmistakable.

"YOU-" Trixie surged upright, and her horn came alive with magic. Then she found herself pushed back down again, and her magic sputtered out along with her concentration.

"I said EASY," came the voice of Sylvia Hawke, "you'd best learn to listen, dear. The lessons will only get harder from there."

Trixie could barely see through the tears of anger flooding her eyes, but she forced herself to look up and take in her surroundings. She was in a large, exquisitely decorated den full of luxurious couches and silk pillows, not to mention a fair number of tough-looking ponies carrying blunt instruments. Two of them stood over her, their heavy hooves pressing down onto her shoulders and forcing her down.

At the end of the room, atop a large mattress layered with velvety cushions, lay Sylvia Hawke.

"Hello, Miss Trixie. Again. I'm ready for my appointment, now."

Trixie growled something angry and unintelligible, and then her horn started to glow again. The weight on her shoulders instantly increased, and Trixie once again yelped in pain before her spell fizzled out.

"I hardly think I need to explain your circumstances here," Sylvia drawled, "but if you try to resist we will hurt you until you stop. That means no magic, dear."

Trixie sputtered angrily for a few seconds, and then finally organized her thoughts to the point of making an intelligible question. "Who do you think you are?! How dare you foal-nap Trixie like this?!"

"I think I am Sylvia Hawke, Mayor of Hoofington and the most dangerous individual you will ever have the misfortune to cross," the griffon said lightly. She sounded for all the world like she was having a casual conversation rather than talking down to a violently suppressed prisoner.

To some ponies, the revelation that she was looking at a government official might have slightly humbled or intimidated them. To certain other individuals who looked like ponies but actually weren't, it would have simply beggared belief.

Trixie didn't care in the slightest. Whether Mayor, rogue, or something in-between, the situation was simply and utterly intolerable. "That doesn't explain anything! What is the meaning of this?! Trixie's never even met you before!"

"Ah, true. I suppose it must be galling to suffer this sort of treatment without even knowing why," Sylvia mused, "and we've certainly never met before tonight. But you may find HIM more familiar." She pointed off to the side.

Trixie twisted her head around to look. A brooding griffon boy sat on another couch, his tail swatting against the cushions irritably. He wore a loose-fitting leather vest, and had a belt hung with curved knives.

Sylvia sighed. "It cost a great deal to get him healed up so quickly. Magic potions of the quality-"

"What is this hay?!" Trixie interrupted. "Trixie has never seen this punk in Trixie's life! You have the wrong mare, you featherbrain!"

The griffon crime lord narrowed her eyes. "Is that so? Well, then how about THEM?" She snapped a claw.

Trixie heard hoofsteps moving up behind her, and twisted her head around again. Two ponies walked into view on the side opposite the griffon boy, and these two characters WERE familiar. Wagon Thief and Jewel Thief both sat down on their haunches, heads bowed to Sylvia. Both of them looked fairly haggard, although it was hard for them not to smirk when they saw Trixie pressed to the floor like she was.

"You CAN'T be serious!" the magician snarled. "You're going after Trixie for blasting these two morons?!"

The bandit couple glared down at the unicorn. Obviously they wished to speak, but they kept their mouths shut in Sylvia's presence.

"No, I'm not. You're correct in that harming these two morons is no offense worth avenging," Sylvia agreed, "I'm upset that you hurt my son."

The two bandits looked rather miffed to be dismissed so easily, but Trixie didn't care. She turned her head back up to look at Sylvia. "Trixie already told you! Trixie's never seen your son before, much less hurt him!"

"No, I suppose you haven't," the griffon Mayor idly picked at a pillow with her claws, "but perhaps you know the mare who did. A red-haired pegasus with a strange star on her rump. Ring any bells?"

For the first time since she had woken up, Trixie's anger waned. "... Ranma. You're after Ranma," she mumbled as all the pieces came together in her head, "this kid was the other bandit that Ranma kicked..."

"Ah, and now we have a name." Sylvia smirked. "Very good start. And where would Ranma be, right about now?"

Trixie's expression shifted back into a glare, and she said nothing.

"Now, now, let's not be petulant about this," Sylvia cooed, "you tell me where the pegasus is, and once I have her I'll be inclined to go easy on you. I can't let you off with NO punishment, of course... but not all of them leave scars. What do you say?"

Trixie's expression didn't change. Sylvia's smirk faded.

"I am used to being resisted, Miss Trixie, but I will not tolerate being ignored. Reply. Now."

Trixie felt the pressure on her shoulder slowly increase, and then she slowly spoke through clenched teeth. "She left on the way into Hoofington," the unicorn growled, "ate a bag of oats and then flew off. Trixie thinks she was heading toward Baltimare or something, but Trixie didn't really care."

Sylvia's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"What? You think Trixie is lying?" she snorted. "Ask around town, if you'd like! Trixie came in with some other loser that Trixie picked up on the road in! An earth pony stallion! These woods are practically littered with needy vagrants!" The other individuals in the room shared anxious glances.

Sylvia drew a claw against the edge of her beak as the gears in her head turned. "... I see. Well. That's going to be a problem."

"Trixie can't help but agree," she groused, "but you're not going to get Ranma by grilling Trixie, so whatever 'punishment' you have in mind for Trixie, you may as well get to it."

"Ah, but you have a point," Sylvia's smirk returned, and she finally shifted her posture so that she was sitting upright. "Here's the deal, Miss Trixie. In lieu of your little pegasus friend, you'll have to accept the punishment for the both of you. The good news is, you'll have your choice of sentences! So here they are: work for me, or die."

Trixie was stunned. "Wha... What? Work for you?"

"I didn't get to where I am by simply cutting down every half-wit equine with a shred of ethics and a backbone," Sylvia started running her claw over the grooves of her ring as she spoke, "I am surrounded by scum, weaklings, and cowards. But all these fools have uses if you try to find one for them. Finding one for you will be... a challenge, especially as I see a great deal of angry resentment in your eyes, but who knows? With a bit of investment, you might actually come to be useful some day."

Trixie's blood boiled at the casual insult, but she forced herself to stay calm enough to think. "So you're going to make Trixie one of your thieves?"

The griffon matron laughed, her voice like a crystal bell. "Oh, dear me, no! At least, not at first!" She tilted her head to look about at the room. "I think I'll have you on maid duty for the first few years. Unpaid, naturally, and probably with a magic inhibitor on your horn. You'll be scrubbing floors and dusting every day until your hooves are worn bare. And then, once you've been properly broken, I'll let Tom... 'play' with you."

The teenage griffon looked somewhat surprised, and quite pleased. "Hey, thanks Mom!"

Trixie's jaw fell slack, and for the first time her expression showed real fear. "You... You can't mean... with him..."

Sylvia's beak curved into a grin. "His favorite game is Monopoly."

"You MONSTER!" Trixie screamed, falling completely limp under the hooves of the two stallions pining her down. "That'll take FOREVER!"

"I get to be banker!" Tom said, rubbing his claws together.

"The hay you will, thief! Trixie knows you're planning to cheat!" She glared hatefully at Sylvia as tears dribbled down her cheeks. "You won't get away with this!"

"Oh, do tell," the griffon stepped up to Trixie and then lifted the unicorn's chin with a claw to look her in the eyes, "and who, exactly, is going to stop me?"

Trixie's reply was pre-empted by the sound of shattering glass.

Sylvia snapped her head around in time to see a pegasus stallion land on the floor and then roll across the carpet, surrounded by bits of her window. The pony's momentum carried him all the way into the far wall, and he cried out in pain before he collapsed into a twitching, bleeding heap.

Her eyes darted up to the high windows of her den, and she spotted an unfamiliar earth pony poking his head through the new hole in the glass.

"Huh. I figured you'd get right back up from that," the stallion said, "I mean, your butt mark is a broken window. Isn't this your special ability or something?"

"That's... not how... I break... windows..." whimpered the stallion on the floor. "... Medic..."

"Whatever, man." Ranma hopped down onto the floor.

Sylvia took a moment to look around at everyone else in the room. Without exception, they all looked utterly confused to see the intruder, including Trixie. She turned back to the stallion. "All right, so... what is this, exactly?"

Ranma cringed slightly at seeing the griffon, and a chill crawled down his spine as he looked over the apparent Mayor of Hoofington. The crime lord's feline ancestry was quite obvious, although she didn't appear cat-like enough to trigger the full trauma of his phobia.

"The name's Ranma," he said, glaring at the griffon matron, "I'm here for Trixie."

Sylvia stared. "I have several additional questions."

"Yeah, you were expecting a pegasus mare, right? I'm her. Shape shifting curse." Ranma spaced out his legs and scoped out the other figures in the room, judging their threat level. Obviously he was badly outnumbered, and most of the stallions were armed with crude blunt weapons, but if everyone in the room was at the same level as the goons stalking about town, then this would be no challenge at all.

Sylvia's eyes narrowed, and she tilted her head to glare down at Trixie. "You lied to me."

"Yes, Trixie did," the unicorn mumbled, "for all the good it did, apparently." Then she tried to crane her head around to stare at her companion. "What are you even doing here, anyway?"

"Guarding your wagon!" Ranma replied proudly. If Trixie had possessed the leverage to smack a hoof into her face, she would have.

"I hope that's not some sort of innuendo," Sylvia grumbled, "this is utterly asinine, but also rather convenient. Tom!"

Ranma prepared for an attack as the other griffon moved, and some of his self-assurance evaporated when the young brigand stopped next to Trixie rather than charging him. Tom drew a blade from his belt and then held it against the helpless mare's neck.

"One wrong move, and your mare will need to magic herself up a new throat!" the griffon boy cackled.

"Trixie is NOT 'his mare'!" Trixie snapped back.

Ranma clicked his tongue as his strategic outlook was turned upside-down. He didn't know what kind of reflexes griffons had, but in any case he doubted his ability to get Trixie clear of the room if the various thugs were that intent on hurting her. "Wow, you've got a real tough gang here, don't you? Not enough that you outnumber me ten-to-one? You have to take hostages, too?"

"I'm not inclined to underestimate a pony that barrels into my home and plows head-first through my guards. You certainly don't seem very intimidated by the odds against you," the griffon matron sniffed as she stepped closer to the intruder, "now, then, onto business. You have guts, if nothing else, and I'd rather those guts not stain my carpets. So I'll give you a choice, Mister Ranma: work for me, or die."

"I choose die," Ranma replied immediately, his eyes still fixed on the griffon next to Trixie. Trixie groaned.

"... Huh. Don't get that decision very often," Sylvia mumbled, "all right, then. Mister and Missus Thief?"

Ranma cast his gaze over to the pair of familiar bandit ponies near the back, both of whom looked rather uncomfortable with this whole situation.

"Well, murder isn't really my crime of choice, but here we are," Wagon grimaced as he bit onto the grip of his short sword and drew it.

Jewel likewise drew her own blade. "Nothing personal, friend. Just business."

"Really? THAT'S how you use swords? With your teeth? The pony dentists must love you guys." Even as Ranma mocked the bandits, he was already making plans on how to use this turn of events to his advantage.

All right, this'll be easy. Side-step first attack, then throw the horse across the room at the thugs on top of Trix. If I can get a perfect angle, then... uh-oh... Ranma's eyes widened as he felt a familiar and foreboding tingle over his spine, and he saw out of the corner of his eye that Sylvia was aiming her ring at him.

"Nighty-night, my little pony," Sylvia smirked as the pigtailed stallion was surrounded by sparkling white lights.

Ranma flinched as a puff of smoke burst around his muzzle, and then he blinked in surprise.

He now sported a mustache. A long, thin mustache that ran above his lips and then hung down below his cheeks.

"Aw, seriously? A Fu Manchu? I'm Japanese! This offends me," the martial artist griped.

Wagon and Jewel stumbled to a stop in surprise, having reasonably expected an unconscious target rather than a disgruntled and mustachioed one.

Sylvia's feather crest ruffled as her smirk vanished. "This confrontation is not proceeding AT ALL according to plan." Her ring flashed again, and Ranma was surrounded by white sparkles again.

Ranma's cheeks suddenly bulged, and then he started coughing painfully. A few seconds later he hacked up a live dove onto the floor.

The bird, oblivious to the stunned stares of the various bandits and criminals, quickly shook its wings out and then flew away out the window that Ranma had broken open.

"And now I'm hungry again. GREAT," Ranma growled.

"Okay, what the FLYING FEATHER is going on, here?!" For the first time in the memory of any of the ponies present, Sylvia Hawke's calm, collected attitude broke. Her fur bristled and her feathers ruffled, and her beak was stretched into a very un-lady-like sneer. "The ring worked on the unicorn just a few hours ago! It can't be BROKEN!"

Snapping her head to the side, Sylvia pointed the ring at one of the stallions pinning Trixie down. The jewel flashed, and in a matter of seconds the hefty pony collapsed onto the floor. The lead pipe he had been holding in his mouth bounced away, and he started snoring a moment later.

Trixie smirked ever-so-slightly.

"What the hay is this?!" Sylvia screamed, turning back to Ranma. "Magic doesn't work on you? How is that possible?"

"Feh! I WISH magic didn't work on me!" Ranma retorted, rubbing at his new mustache. "I guess it just doesn't work on me the way you want. So it'd be a big help to everyone if you STOPPED using it!"

The griffon Mayor stopped to consider his suggestion, and then cast caution to the wind and pointed it at him again.

"Okay, now you're just asking for trou-" Ranma was cut off by a sudden explosion right under him, blasting him across the room and blowing over the nearest pieces of furniture. The bandit ponies were knocked off their hooves, and Tom lurched back to shield his face from the flash of light and burst of flames.

"Show time," Trixie hissed as her horn lit up.

The stallion still pinning down Trixie's shoulder had barely flinched from seeing the intruder explode, to his credit. He was far less stoic when one of the knives from Tom's belt suddenly slipped out of its sheath and plunged into his flank.

"YARGH!!" He leapt away from Tom and Trixie, badly startling the former while finally freeing the latter. Trixie used her liberated mobility to apply both her back hooves directly into Tom's stomach, sending the young griffon flying into the wall without any help from his wings.

"TOM! My baby!" Sylvia screeched, whirling around to face the new disturbance.

"Nopony foal-naps the Great and Powerful Trixie!" Trixie caught sight of another pony minion racing up toward her with a baseball bat as Sylvia aimed her magic ring, and her horn glowed again.

A cloud of smoke burst around Trixie just before Sylvia's ring flashed, and a moment later the stallion stumbled through the obscuring cloud right into the effects of the magic ring. He teetered back and forth, and then crashed onto the floor on his side.

"I WILL RIP OUT YOUR ENTRAILS AND MOUNT YOUR HEAD ON MY FOYER!!" Sylvia screeched as she spotted Trixie galloping away into the middle of the room. "WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?! KILL HER!! KILL HER NOW!!"

The azure magician screeched to a halt as two more stallions jumped between her and the only door out, both of them bearing clubs. She prepared to use another smokescreen, only to see the bandit couple coming up on her flanks with their swords drawn, cutting off any possible direction of escape.

"You know, I take back what I said earlier," Wagon Thief growled around his sword as the ponies closed in on the unicorn, "this is personal, now. I'm going to enjoy cutting you up."

"TRIX! DUCK!"

Trixie dropped to the floor just before a couch flew overhead, smashing aside the stallions advancing on her. Only Jewel Thief happened to be standing out of the line of fire, and she recoiled in shock as the other minions went flying under the weight of the furniture.

Before the bandit mare could fully come to terms with what was happening, Ranma landed between her and Trixie.

"Let me show you why wielding swords with your jaws is a bad idea," the martial artist said before Jewel twisted her head back and swung her blade at him.

Ranma slapped the flat of the sword away mid-swing, and Jewel Thief yelped in pain.

"Augh! I think I chipped a tooth!" she cried, dropping her weapon.

"Yeah. There you go." Ranma put a hoof to Jewel's chest and then calmly threw her to the side where she landed atop the couch currently lying on her husband and co-workers.

"Y-You... You..." Sylvia pointed a trembling claw at Ranma, her expression wavering between awe, terror, and fury. "Impossible! You exploded! I have no idea why, or how, but you definitely exploded! How are you still alive?!"

"Pft. That explosion wasn't half as strong as the one Sparks caused, and she wasn't even TRYING to murder me," Ranma scoffed, "Trix, you ready to go?"

"NO, Trixie is NOT leaving yet!" Trixie bounced back to her hooves, her horn glowing furiously. "This featherbrain interrupted Trixie late in the evening, insulted Trixie, broke into Trixie's hotel room - which Trixie SPECIFICALLY splurged on to AVOID any criminal elements - abducted Trixie, threatened Trixie's life, and then tried to force Trixie to work as some kind of slave-maid! All because her idiot son was stupid enough to try to rob Trixie! Trixie isn't letting her get away with this!"

Ranma tilted his head to the side. "Ah. Yeah. That is actually pretty awful." Then he frowned. "But I heard she's actually the Mayor of the town, though."

"Trixie could NOT care less," the unicorn snarled through clenched teeth.

"Fair enough."

Sylvia sputtered incoherently and thrust her ring forward again.

This time, however, when the ring pulsed, Trixie's horn pulsed along with it. A shock of magic electricity sparked from the sapphire at the head of the artifact, and the griffon matron shrieked as pain surged up her arm.

"As if Trixie doesn't know how to handle little trinkets like that! Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?!" Trixie snarled.

"YES! Because you will NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!" Sylvia snarled back before spreading her wings and launching herself across the room. "Magic or no, I'll rip you apart!"

"Ranma," Trixie said with a snort, "disarm her."

As a griffon, Sylvia Hawke was privy to strength, speed, and reflexes far superior to ponies. The instincts of a predator and the combined attributes of their hybrid heritage made griffons formidable opponents under any conditions, and that was before taking into account their claws: vicious, talon-tipped digits that could easily rend flesh, yet were dexterous enough to wield tools much more easily than a pony could with their hooves, mouth, or even telekinesis.

So Sylvia could be forgiven SOME surprise at being swiftly tackled out of mid-air by a grayish blur and then body-slammed onto the floor.

"AUGH!!" The griffon screamed and tried to slash at the stallion's eyes, only for him to bite onto her ring-bearing claw and send another jolt of pain up her arm.

Ranma wrenched his mouth away, and then spat Sylvia's magic ring onto the carpet in front of Trixie. "Disarmed." With a swing of his hoof, Sylvia was sent rolling back across the room and crashed into a hardwood armoire.

"Good work, Ranma," Trixie's magic levitated the magic ring up in front of her, and she briefly inspected the accessory before focusing fully on its prior owner. "This belongs to Trixie, now. But it isn't NEARLY enough payment for what you've put Trixie through..."

"W-Wait! Stop! I can pay!" The griffon matron clambered upright, her wings spread and pinned to the floor in a gesture of submission. "I have money! I can give you as much as you want, and then we can forget this ever-"

"SHUT IT!" Trixie snapped, causing Sylvia to flinched back. "You think Trixie's life can be measured in bits?! How dare you?!"

Sylvia trembled as the unicorn started advancing menacingly on her. Although Trixie wasn't terribly intimidating on her own, Ranma was watching the encounter keenly, ready to intervene again if necessary. The other pony criminals simply watched in horror, none of them willing to get up again after the thrashings they had already received.

"WAIT!"

That left Tom to leap to his mother's defense, and the battered griffon jumped in Trixie's path and then clasped his claws together in front of the angry magician.

"Please! Let her go! We're sorry for what we did! We didn't mean to hurt anypony!"

"Didn't mean to-" Trixie sputtered angrily at the claim, her face turning red.

"You have to understand! We didn't want to live this way!" Tom shouted. "Mom does what she has to do in order to make it in this town! She was just trying to protect me! Please, don't hurt her!"

"What are you going on about?" Trixie snarled. "She's the bucking Mayor!"

"And how do you think I got that position?" Sylvia asked suddenly. Her voice was no longer enraged, nor did it possess the calm, dignified tone it usually did. She sounded crushed and embittered. "The Mayor's office is appointed by the region governor. It's usually handed out as a political favor to allies." She grunted. "It took years of groveling, back-stabbing, and doing unsavory favors in order to get this appointment. Nopony gets far in politics by keeping their beak clean. Especially not a griffon." She sighed, and placed her injured claw on her son's shoulder. "Tom and I are refugees from the griffon kingdom. We fled to Equestria during a civil uprising; however hard and dirty things can get in equine lands, I can assure you that griffon society is tenfold as bad."

Sylvia shook her head sadly. "But it's not easy to make it as a griffon among ponies, either. Most equines don't trust us at all, and the only ones eager to offer us work were the unreputable sort. To put it simply, griffons make good criminals. But if that's what I had to do to provide for my son, so be it." Tom took his mother's arm, and the two embraced tightly.

Then Sylvia bowed her head to Trixie again. "I thought if I acquired enough power for myself, I could at least work on my own terms and give Tom a better future than being somepony's pet thug. I couldn't see any other way. So I worked my way up to Mayor."

"Why don't you guys just vote for your Mayors?" Ranma asked.

"I... don't know what that is," Sylvia admitted, "but in any case, you have to believe me. I did all of this for my son, and never wanted things to reach this point."

"You mean with you two beaten and groveling on the floor in front of a pair of surprisingly tough, unknown travelers?" Ranma asked.

"Yes. A lot of criminal masterminds reach the end of their careers this way." She stared at Trixie imploringly, looking utterly broken before the angry unicorn.

Trixie sighed, and her expression deflated. "Trixie believes you, actually. For all ponies go on about 'love and tolerance', actually accommodating other races is much harder. Trixie can easily believe that you were pushed into a life of crime." The griffons nodded sadly, obviously relieved. Tom smiled at his mother and squeezed her arm gently to comfort her.

Then a pink glow crept over Tom's belt, wrapping around the last knife that the teenager still had in its sheath. "But Trixie doesn't CARE."

The knife slipped free into the air, and then plunged into Tom's wing.

"AAUGH-AUGH-AAAAH!!" He screeched, collapsing onto the floor and curling up as Sylvia gasped.

"Tom! No!" The elder Hawke leapt over her child, and then her eyes widened in terror. The numerous blunt objects that had been carried around by her minions were floating up off the floor, each one wrapped in a sparkling pink aura.

"You think your pathetic sob story excuses all you've done? You think that because you've had a rough life, that justifies victimizing random, innocent ponies and then even attacking them later for having the GALL to fight back?" Trixie's face stretched into a disgusted sneer. "You think that because you were too STUPID to make a legitimate living or quit when you were ahead, that Trixie should forgive you when you finally face your comeuppance?"

"For the record, I'm totally willing to just walk away," Ranma interjected. He was ignored.

"Stop! No! Hurt me if you must, but please, don't hurt Tom anymore!" Sylvia begged.

"Denied, scumbag," the unicorn smiled darkly as the various clubs, pipes, and bats descended on the pair of griffons.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"So it turns out that griffons don't scream like cats OR eagles," Ranma remarked as he and Trixie walked through town, "they scream a lot like people, actually." He chewed his lip for a moment. "I kind of feel like we went way beyond strict self-defense, here."

"They were thieves and bandits, and one was even a politician. Who cares what happens to them?" Trixie grunted in reply. She still had Sylvia's magic ring levitating in the air in front of her, and the soft pink glow lit their path on the way back to the inn. She observed the artifact closely, her magic probing the construct of spells within the sapphire gemstone. "Besides, we didn't kill anypony. Someday they might even be able to fly again, given enough magical physical therapy."

"Eh, I guess you have a point." Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "So, how did you do that thing, earlier? Where she tried to use the ring but it zapped her instead?"

"Trixie sometimes makes little trinkets on commission. Usually things like horn rings that glow or wands that can spark camp fires. Such crafts give Trixie an intimate understanding of magic tools," the magician explained, "with a little time and warning, foiling magic rings like this is foal's play for a unicorn of Trixie's power and experience."

"Oh, cool! So what are you going to do with it now?" Ranma asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Sell it, of course. It's not like Trixie can wear such a thing."

Ranma glanced up at the mare's horn, but quickly concluded that it was far too thick for a small finger ring. "Even in a world of talking horses, everything still seems to be made for hands," he mumbled, "weird."

The inn was just a few blocks away now, and suddenly Ranma thought of another question.

"Hey, when I told that griffon lady who I was, she said you lied to her. What was that about?"

Trixie shifted her attention from her new ring toward the pigtailed stallion. "She was grilling Trixie on your whereabouts, obviously. Trixie told her you ran off."

"Oh." Ranma frowned. "Why did you do that? I wouldn't have even known you were captured if one of those pony minions hadn't messed up and told me."

The unicorn gave him an incredulous look. "Why would Trixie cooperate with the goons that foal-napped her to help them attack you?" She snorted and turned away. "Trixie doesn't like you very much, but you've been almost tolerable to be around. Trixie wouldn't even consider turning you over to those crooks." She paused briefly. "Although, again, Trixie didn't think you were just going to charge straight into the mayor's mansion like that." She looked away and coughed. "Trixie... supposes she should thank you."

"It'd be nice, yeah," Ranma said, smirking, "OR... you could buy me breakfast before I leave town tomorrow."

Trixie glared at him.

"No pressure. Just an idea. Totally up to you," the stallion started whistling nonchalantly.

Trixie grumbled something under her breath as she reached the entrance to the inn, and then her magic reached out to pull open the door.

The door rattled slightly at her effort, but refused to budge.

"What? It's locked? Why?" Trixie asked, confused. "What kind of inn locks up the front door, even at this time of night?" By her estimate it was probably three or four in the morning, and while she wouldn't normally be awake at this time of night, inns typically stayed open to the prospective customers around the clock.

She started banging on the door with her hoof. "Hey! Open up!"

"We're closed! Go away!" shouted a voice from inside. Trixie recognized it immediately as the front desk clerk.

"You're not closed! Trixie already bought a room for the night! Now let Trixie in!" the magician shouted, banging even harder against the door.

The barrier didn't budge, however, and neither did the clerk. "We reserve the right to refuse service to anypony! Especially ponies that cross Mayor Hawke! That is an actual exemption written into the local commerce laws, and this establishment is taking full advantage of it!"

"You won't have to worry about the Mayor," Trixie sniffed, "after what Trixie did to her, she won't be in any shape to harass you or anypony else!"

"La la la la! I can't hear you! No ponies trying to bring more trouble into MY lobby tonight, no siree!"

Trixie resisted the urge to scream. "Look, forget about the room! Trixie already got plenty of magically-induced sleep anyway! Trixie just needs to get her clothes and bags!"

The sound of moving furniture came from inside, and then the door shook slightly.

"I think they're barricading the entrance," Ranma murmured, "jittery, aren't they?"

Trixie sputtered angrily for a few seconds, and then backed away from the front door.

"RANMA!" she shouted.

"Yuh huh?"

"Break down that door!" Trixie pointed a hoof forward toward the offending barrier.

"Nuh uh."

The unicorn rounded on him immediately. "TRAITOR! How could you abandon Trixie so easily, after all we've been through?! Ingrate! Flank-stabber!"

Ranma rolled his eyes as Trixie shouted a volley of insults at him, waiting for her to run out of breath. As soon as she did, he leaned forward and pressed a hoof to her chest.

"Trix. Calm down," the martial artist said flatly, "there's a better way to do this. I'm not going to break into an inn the way I busted into the Mayor's house. These guys aren't criminals, they're just cowards."

"Trixie finds such distinctions pointless when both insist on troubling Trixie," the mare said through clenched teeth, "but Trixie will hear you out, if for lack of better options."

"Can you point out your room from here?" Ranma asked.

"There, on the fourth floor," Trixie mumbled as she thrust a hoof toward one of the windows above, "it's the one with light coming from it. Trixie didn't exactly have time to put out the candle before Trixie was dragged out of the room unconscious."

"Gotcha. I'll put it out after I grab your stuff."

Ranma took off like a shot, accelerating with such speed that Trixie was almost knocked over. He leapt high into the air, landing on the stables that protected Trixie's wagon, and then bounced off onto the side of the inn.

Trixie was reluctantly impressed to see the stallion clambering along the window sill outside her room despite the lack of any obvious hoof-holds.

"Was this guy some sort of cat burglar back on his home planet?" she mumbled aloud. Then she shrugged and trotted toward the stables to get her wagon. It seemed that her stay in Hoofington would be shorter than expected.

Ranma grunted as he worked the window open, cursing his thick, flat hooves for what seemed like the hundredth time. He'd never really thought about it before, but he now understood why all the martial artists he knew who turned into small, fingerless creatures were so angry all the time.

Hands are just really great. You can hold stuff, and cling to walls, and don't have to remove someone's ring by chewing on their fingers...

He finally dropped into the room and immediately spotted Trixie's things laid out on the bed. The magic candle still flickered on the nightstand, bathing everything in a soft yellow glow.

They were also great for packing up objects without drooling all over them, he griped internally as he bit onto Trixie's hat and tossed it onto her cape. Then he did the same with her saddlebags. Then he folded the cape over the top of the other objects.

Satisfied that he'd be able to carry Trixie's things out in a bundle, Ranma turned toward the candle. It had a small metal cap next to it that was supposed to cover and smother the flame, but, again, such a thing was hard to use without the aid of fingers. Ranma simply blew out the candle.

Or, rather, he blew at the candle, which merely caused the flame to whip about in the air for a second.

Ranma blinked, and then blew harder. The flame moved more, but still persisted. A third, fourth, and fifth attempt in rapid sequence utterly failed to douse the flame.

"Is this one of those trick candles? What's going on, here?" Ranma took a deep breath, filling his lungs to their limit. Then he blew as hard as he could on the stubborn tongue of magical flame.

The candle was knocked over by the blast of air, the flame still burning as strong as ever. Even stronger, in fact, once it touched upon the polished wood of the nightstand. The flames seem to crawl all over the wood in an instant, rising ever higher and providing much better illumination for Ranma's stunned expression.

"... Oops."

Trixie sighed as she shifted finished cataloguing her belongings, satisfied that everything was accounted for. Her trip through Hoofington had largely turned into a disaster, but in the end - assuming Ranma got her things out okay and she pawned the slumber ring for a decent price - this stop might just have turned out to be a net gain.

"Trixie is glad that Sylvia crook subdues her enemies with sleep magic, rather than simply beating them unconscious. Trixie is actually feeling rather refreshed despite the hour," she mumbled to herself.

Her musings were interrupted by the shriek of an alarm bell, and the magician jumped in surprise. "What the hay?!"

She rushed to the front of the stables, only to jump in surprise again as Ranma landed in front of her. He had the corners of her cape in his mouth, and he appeared to be using the cloth sheet to carry her bags and hat.

"Well, looks like we've got everything! Time to leave!" Ranma said loudly as he rushed into the wagon lot. A moment later he emerged with Trixie's cart in tow, pulling it out into the street with a speed that reeked of desperation. "Let's go, let's go! Daylight's burning!"

Trixie shook her head, bewildered. "It's not even daw-"

"I said daylight's burning! And possibly other things are burning too, although I disavow any and all specific knowledge of any nearby fires!" Ranma was visibly sweating as he stood in the middle of the street, prancing in place and clearly ready to start sprinting.

Trixie glanced up at the window of her hotel room, noting the plume of dark smoke coming from it. Numerous screams could be heard coming from some of the windows as ponies woke up to the alarm and began to panic, and she could hear the sound of the front barricade being hastily disassembled.

"Incidentally, I'm both surprised and SUPER GLAD that your species apparently has the technology for fire alarms," Ranma said, his eyes shifting back and forth, "just a completely random thought. No reason I brought it up. Are we leaving? We should leave."

Trixie's ears flipped down as she trudged up to the wagon and hauled herself up into it. "We're fugitives now, aren't we?"

"That probably depends on whether or not the Mayor you beat half to death presses charges," Ranma assured her. The moment he was sure that Trixie was secure, he bolted down the road. "I don't think there's any evidence that we caused the inn fi-I mean, any random fires that could have happened while we were around by complete coincidence! So we should be-"

"Hey! Look, everypony!" Shouted a pegasus hovering overhead. "A pair of shady travelers leaving the town with suspicious haste!"

"KUSO!" Ranma swore in his native tongue, and then poured on the speed. Trixie nearly bounced out of her cart as her ride suddenly tripled in velocity, screaming toward the edge of town and leaving a heavy trail of kicked-up dirt in its wake.

Before long, both ponies and the wagon were a speck on the horizon, well on their way to the next village.

Author's Note

I know exactly what you're all thinking, and YES, Ranma still has a mustache at the end of this chapter.

Catching Up

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 5

Catching Up

"Now hold still. Knife tricks aren't exactly Trixie's specialty."

Ranma sat on his haunches, his every muscle locked tight as a small carving knife floated up under his jaw and grazed his cheek.

Trixie wet her lips as she focused her telekinesis, drawing the blade slowly across the length of Ranma's muzzle. Her horn pulsed gently with a trembling aura of pink, and after a few seconds half of Ranma's Confucian mustache dropped onto the dirt.

"Got it. Now the other side," the magician commanded. Ranma swiveled his head around, and then Trixie carefully repeated the process to finish shaving off the stallion's magical facial hair. "And... done." She pulled the knife away and levitated it back into her bags. "Strange that the mustache seems to be permanent. Usually that spell wears off in a few minutes, and never lasts more than an hour."

"Yeah, this magic allergy thing is weird like that," Ranma shrugged, "I hope that dove I spat up is permanent too, because if that magic effect wears off it's going to be gross."

"Trixie is sure you'd make a fascinating test study in a magic lab, somewhere," she said wryly, "maybe Trixie should return you to Twilight Sparkle after all."

The two travelers were resting at the side of the road, Trixie's wagon parked behind them. Ranma had already towed them far from the town they had been fleeing, and the scattered forest had given way to sunny plains and rolling hills.

Trixie levitated a grain sack from her cart, floating it to her and then dropping it between her front hooves. With a light tug she loosened the drawstring keeping the sack closed, and then took a mouthful of oats.

A ferocious rumbling noise came from next to her as she ate. If Trixie hadn't been expecting it to some degree, she might well have guessed that bears were attacking her temporary camp. The unicorn turned a non-plussed stare over at Ranma, who was staring at her with big, round eyes and perked ears. His tail was wagging too, which wasn't even a proper equine reaction.

"Trixie is suddenly reminded of a certain promise you made yesterday," she began, "something about Trixie not having to spend a single bit more on you? Trixie believes you swore on your honor as a martial artist. Whatever THAT'S worth."

Ranma's ears flipped down, and a strangled whimper came from his throat. Trixie was honestly impressed as to how perfectly the noise imitated a sad puppy whine.

Then the magician sighed. "On the other hoof, the promise also involved us going our separate ways, and circumstances beyond... well, MOSTLY beyond your control have transpired such that we left together."

"Also, I rescued you from bandits," Ranma interjected quickly.

"PLEASE. Trixie rescued herself. You just helped," Trixie sniffed, "but still, it certainly was above and beyond the call of duty for a pushy wagon sentry." She removed a bowl from her things and scooped up a serving of oats for herself. Then she pushed the bag toward her tag-along. "Here."

"You are THE BEST," Ranma said tearfully as he bowed his head.

"Of course Trixie is," the magician agreed.

Ranma set into the bag ravenously, while Trixie ate her own meal at a less frantic pace. Within minutes both of them were finished. Or rather, Trixie was finished, while Ranma had his head stuck deep in the grain sack trying to eat every last crumb of food left.

"Back on the topic of parting ways," Trixie said as she dabbed at her muzzle with a cloth, "when and where are you going, anyway? Trixie isn't interested in hiring a full-time wagon colt."

Ranma finally pulled his face out of the burlap back, licking his lips. "Well, the thing is... I'm looking to track down those unicorns and force them to change me back into a human. But I have no idea where to start. Should I just start asking around towns at random?"

"You may not have any better options. Trixie has never heard of the ponies that you're after, so they can't be THAT important," the unicorn mused, "there are ponies called scryers that specialize in finding certain ponies using magic, but at the very minimum you'd have to have a strong connection to the pony you were looking for."

"Does slow-burning hatred count as a strong connection?"

"Thankfully no, or else their business would be even sketchier than it already is," Trixie said blithely, "usually it would be a familial connection, or that of a lover. For ponies that are looking for somepony less intimate, the scryer would need a physical focus like a strand of hair or a prized possession from the pony being sought. For example, that magic ring that belonged to what's-her-face from Hoofington would be an excellent tool for tracking her down, were Trixie ever to become deranged enough to want to see her again."

Ranma groaned and slumped onto the ground. "Well, shoot. Then I don't have any leads now that I have the magic rock that they want. All I can do is search every town I find, I guess." He frowned. "Hopefully I can look around the next one without any explosions. I had to leave Ponyville and Hoofington too quickly to do any searching."

"There's always hope," Trixie drawled, "anyway, Saddlebrook is just a day away, at your pace. Trixie will share her camp for tonight, and then do her best to ditch you there."

"That's fine," the martial artist mumbled, "I guess I'll try to find some work in town when we get there. It WOULD be nice not to have to go through the begging routine every time I want to eat."

"Trixie enthusiastically approves of your pitiful ambition to advance from a homeless, vagrant panhandler to a homeless, vagrant laborer," the unicorn remarked dryly, "some ponies possessed of superequine strength, speed, durability, and a host of exotic alien knowledge and power would aspire to greater things than simply feeding themselves, but it's nice to know you're keeping your goals attainable."

Ranma stuck his tongue out at Trixie before lying down on the grass. "Whatever, Trix. I'm gonna get a nap in and then we'll start out again at higher speed. I want to get to the next town as soon as possible."

"To get a head start on your new career of begging for odd jobs rather than food scraps?"

"To start poking around for those unicorns," the martial artist retorted, "I have to get started on this if I ever want to find them. I don't think they're going to come to me anytime soon."

"Mister Rite! Are you almost done in here? I'm all ready to track down and confront the stallion who's foiled our dastardly plans!"

Swan Song trotted through the dimly-lit halls of Rite's tower, approaching a set of double-doors leading to the center of the structure. A series of bright lights of various colors flashed from underneath the barrier, indicating that her superior was in the midst of some manner of spellcasting project.

She knocked politely on the heavy door, hearing some muffled chanting coming from within. When there were no objections to her interruption, Swan used her magic to drag the door open.

Rite was in the middle of the room, and a large crystal spire almost as big as him rotated next to him above the floor. Glowing lines curling into arcane glyphs covered the floor in a complex and intricate series of magic circles that stretched almost to the walls. Swan Song couldn't even begin to decipher the circle or its purpose; while she would be considered a genius among geniuses by many military wizards for her mastery of combat spells, she'd never quite had the attention span and knack for detail that allowed a unicorn to work with the more esoteric forms of magic.

Rite, on the other hand, specialized in complex, long-term, and large-scale enchantments. Not because such things were his special talent, or that he was generally gifted in them, but because he had MADE them his specialization. Nearly two decades of intense study and exhaustive training had made him the equal and better of many unicorns who claimed these sorts of rituals as their preternatural specialty. It was a labor borne of purpose; a purpose that had driven the red sorcerer for half his life.

Rite was a pony who intended to defeat destiny.

"You'll have to excuse me, Swan Song. This will take a little while longer," the stallion said. The spire slowed to a stop, and then started rotating the opposite way. A new glyph started to appear on the edge of an inner circle, its lines crawling across the stone. The pace was almost glacial; any pony could have drawn the symbol by pen in two or three seconds, but to draw it through its link to the arcane nexus took far longer. Swan shuddered to think about the sort of concentration and time it had taken to create the magic circle so far.

"So, what is this, exactly?" the mare asked, tilting her head to the side.

"It's a considerable reinforcement of the anti-scrying enchantments that were already in place upon the tower," Rite explained as the glyph was finally finished, "in preparation for us to re-take the MacGuffin Stone."

Swan brightened. "So we'll be able to use it without being hunted down by Princess Luna and the stud monkey?"

"Yes. Well, kind of..." Rite wet his lips as he began the next glyph. "While I'm confident this construct will be able to foil the MacGuffin Stone's bizarre and rather contrived efforts to attract those who have been affected by it, it is, obviously, quite immobile. I couldn't think of any mechanism that would work that we could easily carry with us when we're out and about. So the MacGuffin Stone will be safe from prying Princesses and meddlesome monkeys... so long as it's here, in the tower."

"Ah. And it's not going to be all that useful sitting here in the vault, is it?" Swan asked.

"Well, maybe. But we won't be able to accomplish our objective without taking it out into the field at some point, and when we do, we will be vulnerable," Rite said solemnly, "of course, this is all contingent on us recovering the MacGuffin Stone in the first place."

"Yeah, do we have a plan for that?" Swan asked, sitting down at the edge of the magic circle. "Because I don't think that rushing the ape horns blazing will do the trick."

"You are correct. In fact, it was quite inadvisable to have done that to begin with," Rite grunted, finishing another glyph and then moving on to the next. "It occurs to me, after having failed in our capture of Princess Luna and outed ourselves to Equestria, that we don't really need additional enemies at this point. Furthermore, as a mutant ape that seems to have come out of the MacGuffin Stone itself for some reason, I'm fairly certain this creature has no particular stake in our nation or inherent opposition to our plans."

Swan placed a hoof to her chin and arched an eyebrow. "Go on..."

"I intend to negotiate with him. The MacGuffin Stone is probably useless to him anyway, since he's not a unicorn. If we can settle the bad blood between us, then we'll get the MacGuffin Stone back and remove another potential competitor and obstacle in our efforts to rehabilitate this world." Rite explained.

"Ooh! That IS a good idea!" Swan beamed. "Also, that will make it WAY less awkward if he and I start dating!"

Rite halted in his inscribing of the next magic glyph. After a few seconds, the glow from the crystal nexus diminished somewhat and it lowered itself to the floor.

"Swan Song," the stallion began hesitantly, turning to face the intern sorceress, "I make every effort to keep our relationship... professional. It is not my place, or in my interest, to interfere with your personal life."

"True! Although this sounds a lot like a brief prelude in preparation to do exactly that!" she observed.

"Ah... yes. Well... I have to question your curious and persisting attraction to a magically shapeshifted primate that has twice assaulted us," Rite finished, looking quite uncomfortable.

Swan shook her head. "No, he twice assaulted YOU. He hasn't hurt me at all!"

"A cruel irony, considering that your polymorph spell seems to be the root of his antagonism toward us," Rite retorted, "really, his only interest regarding us should be beating a reversal enchantment out of you."

"I know! But he didn't!" Swan sighed dreamily. "What a gentlecolt!"

"... Right..." the stallion coughed. "Anyway, I find your attraction to the creature somewhat unsettling, not least because his resemblance to our species is a magical effect that you yourself inflicted upon him. Secondary to that is the fact that... well... every time you've met him he's been hostile and violent. It concerns me that these are the conditions under which you've developed an infatuation."

The emerald-colored unicorn stared blankly at her mentor for several seconds before she replied. "... Is this some sort of stallion social dynamic, where a younger, beefier pony starts moving in on the mares you're close to and you feel you have to assert control of your herd? I think I've read about this."

"... And now you've made it sufficiently awkward that I wish to cease discussion of this topic," Rite said curtly, turning back to the nexus, "finishing this will take the rest of the day. Tomorrow morning we shall set out to recover the MacGuffin Stone and bring our plans back on-track." The crystal spire started to float off the floor again.

"Wait, Mister Rite, we should talk about this," Swan said, looking worried, "I mean, it's not like I don't understand; working around a hot young mare who constantly defers to you must be hard while constantly staying at leg's length and suppressing your natural urges. If you-"

"SETHYR GOLLUH VELLUN!" Rite shouted, chanting much louder than necessary as he drew the next glyph. "I'm doing magic now! Can't talk anymore! Very busy! TELLUIN VENNIK KRUUL!"

"Not to mention that you're seriously sexually repressed!" Swan raised her voice appropriately to speak over the stallion's shouting. "You're what, forty-five? Forty-six? Older? And still a virgin? Can you even get-"

"GET OUT OF MY LAB BEFORE I BLUDGEON YOU WITH THE BUCKING CRYSTAL!!"

Twilight Sparkle waved as she spotted Rainbow Dash curving through the air overhead, and she flapped her wings harder to raise altitude and intercept her friend.

"Rainbow Dash! Did you finish already? That was fast!" said the pony Princess.

"Of course it was! I can search a pattern like you gave me in ten seconds flat!" Rainbow boasted as she casually flew an orbit around the other mare. "Not that it makes a difference, though. I got nothing."

Twilight clicked her tongue, and then glanced down at the spread of forest and plains below. "This is our third day of searching! He couldn't have just vanished into nowhere!"

"Why not? Didn't he just appear out of nowhere?" Rainbow asked as she finally settled into a hover. "Between me, you, and Fluttershy's army of animals, I'm pretty sure we've covered everywhere. He's gone, Twi."

"But HOW?" Twilight asked, pressing her hooves to the sides of her head. "He couldn't have been launched THAT far! And at the altitude he fell from, there's no way he could simply get up and walk off!" She shook her head. "And as much as I hate to consider it at all, it's even less likely that he was killed on impact! Fluttershy's had all the scavengers in the area on the lookout for a body, but she hasn't come up with anything! Even if we completely missed him, the local crows wouldn't!"

Rainbow just shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, Twi. One way or another, he's gone."

The purple pony groaned. "I wish I could get Applejack and Pinkie Pie to take some time off to help with a ground search. There has to be a landing site..."

Rainbow Dash started flying back to Ponyville, gesturing for Twilight to follow. "Well, everypony's pretty busy, you know. AJ has to fix her farm up, and there was a lot of damage in town..." The pegasus briefly glanced over to a particular foundation in the middle of town, with wooden beams holding together a fragile skeleton of a building. The new library was still in the earliest stages of construction, but Ponyville's builders were giving it top priority in order to restore Twilight's home.

Twilight and Rainbow started heading back toward town, although the former was clearly still disturbed. "I just don't know how everypony is so CALM about this!"

"What, about monsters showing up and causing a ruckus? It's not exactly rare," Rainbow pointed out.

"No, I mean about Saotome!" Twilight stressed. "A pony shows up that can duel with dragons, create tornadoes, and EXPLODES when exposed to harmless magic effects, and everypony just shrugs it off!"

"Well, ponies with weird or impressive skills aren't exactly rare in Ponyville either," Rainbow Dash smirked as she did a mid-air twist, "I mean, I can create tornadoes too! It's not that hard."

"Dash, the cyclones you can make on your own are several degrees of magnitude weaker than what we saw in the acres. That was at least an F3-scale funnel," Twilight explained.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure I could do it if I really tried. I've spent most of my life trying to PREVENT destructive weather, not cause it," Rainbow pointed out.

"Also - and I really can't stress this point enough - he was an EARTH PONY. They're not exactly known for mastery of the wind."

"Didn't you say he was, like, part pegasus or something?"

"He TURNS INTO a pegasus, apparently. Which is ANOTHER thing that I'd really, REALLY like to study further! But nopony cares! Nopony at all would have been searching for him if I hadn't asked you and Fluttershy to help me look!" Twilight clenched her teeth in frustration as she and Rainbow swooped down on Sweet Apple Acres. "When did we become so jaded that a mysterious pony filled with unknown magic - who claims, by the way, to be an alien creature delivered to this world by ACCIDENT - can show up, get chased across the edge of town by a draconic monster and leave a swathe of destruction that includes an incinerated library, a hundred crushed apple trees, a demolished barn, and a localized natural disaster, only for us all to just shrug our shoulders and go back to business as usual the very next day?"

Rainbow considered the question as Twilight fumed. "... Probably when Discord, ancient tyrant, spirit of chaos, and enemy of all of Equestria made friends with Fluttershy and starting hanging around the edge of town."

"... Ponyfeathers," Twilight spat as she failed to think of any retort. Then she banked and started moving in to land in front of the farmstead. "Well, in any case, thank you for helping, Rainbow Dash. Sorry to waste your time."

"Pshaw, think nothing of it," Rainbow smirked and then rolled away, declining to land with her purple friend, "catch you later, Twi!"

Twilight made her landing outside the farmstead in the middle of Applejack's farm, casting a glance over at the skeletal frame of the Apples' barn. Like her library, it was being rebuilt from the foundation. Unlike her library, which was being replaced at the expense of the town's finances and labor, the barn was being constructed almost entirely by Big Macintosh alone. Twilight felt guilty about that, especially as Applejack had been so quick to invite her and Spike to live with them until the new library was complete, but the Apples paid the matter no mind.

Besides, considering the frequency which the barn is destroyed, this is practically a monthly project for them. Huh. I guess these circumstances really AREN'T so extraordinary.

Twilight started heading toward the front door, only to see Applejack emerge first and approach her with a hurried gait and an anxious expression.

"Twi! Good timin'!" the farmer said as she slid to a halt. "We gotta bit of a sitcha'ashun. A couple o'guests are here."

Twilight blinked. "Do you need me and Spike to move out, then? I'm sure we can find someplace else to stay until the library is rebuilt."

"Nah, nothin' like that. They ain't those kinda guests." Applejack jerked her head toward the window, and Twilight peered inside the house. She couldn't see anypony directly, but she COULD see a wave of striped, pastel-colored mane that seemed to be floating in an ethereal breeze.

"Princess Celestia?! What is she doing here?" Twilight jumped on the spot, her mind already churning with possibilities. "Is she here about Saotome Ranma? But I didn't tell her anything about him! Should I have told her?! How did she-"

"TWI. COOL IT," Applejack interrupted, slapping a hoof onto the alicorn's shoulder. Even though Twilight was a Princess herself, she still tended to get incredibly worked up about Celestia's presence. "Far as Ah can tell, they ain't mad or nothin', so Ah don't think yer in trouble. 'Sides, you ain't done nothin' to be in trouble over, anyway."

"I accidentally blew up a pony and demolished the home that I had been given upon moving into Ponyville," Twilight reminded the farmer.

"Yeah, but both those things worked themselves out, more'r less. Pretty sure the Princesses ain't here to lecture ya about nothin'."

Twilight suddenly realized that Applejack had been referring to Princesses, in the sense of there being more than one. That didn't make her any less nervous, but it did leave her intrigued; Celestia suddenly meeting with her with no notice was rare, but it was even rarer for her to bring along more of the royal family.

Steeling herself, Twilight nodded and trotted into the farmstead. Applejack followed closely, trying to contain her own worried expression.

Sure enough, waiting inside the living room of the Apple home were Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, both of them seated around a coffee table and sipping apple tea and eating apple crumbles as they waited. Spike was standing by with a tea pot and wearing an apron, although the young dragon didn't look nearly as worried or excited as everypony else.

"Ah, Twilight. It's good to see you again," Princess Celestia said regally, inclining her head. Luna had her mouth full of crumble at the time, so she simply nodded her greeting as Twilight approached and sat down. "I apologize for the lack of notice to our arrival."

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, hello! I wasn't expecting a visit!" Twilight felt somewhat awkward meeting the other two alicorns in such a distinctly homey setting as the Apples' den. Yet this clearly wasn't a social visit; she could read Celestia's expression quite well, and right now the elder Princess was all business. This encounter had a bizarre atmosphere wavering between formal and unconventional, and it wasn't helped at all by the way Luna was gorging herself on apple snacks. "I'm, uh, sorry that I couldn't receive you at the library, as usual. It's kind of... gone, now."

"So I heard. I was quite surprised to learn of the dragonspawn attack a few days ago," Celestia said with a slight frown, "I only heard about it today from Mayor Mare when Luna and I initially tried to meet you at home. I haven't been given all the details, but I understand that nopony was hurt, which is a relief."

"Actually-" Spike began, only for Twilight to cut him off quickly.

"Yes, it is! But anyway, why are you here, if it doesn't have anything to do with that?" Twilight asked anxiously. "Is there a problem?"

Celestia nodded. "Indeed, I bring unfortunate news. We have become aware of a new enemy that seeks to undermine and possibly destroy the royal family of Equestria, but as of right now we're uncertain as to the scope and integrity of the threat. It could be that these foes are nothing but clumsy insurgents whose plans have already unraveled. However, it is possible that they pose a serious threat to Equestria's royal order and the stability of the country."

Twilight nodded mutely, but in her head she found herself recalling a rather incredulous statement she had heard from a recent guest.

"The unicorns that did this to me also have this gem called the 'MacGuffin Stone'... it might not be important. Or your planet could be on the verge of total destruction."

"The enemies we've identified are a pair of unicorns; powerful foes, certainly, but conventionally so," Luna continued after gulping down some tea, "I doubt they could best any alicorn in a fair challenge, Sparkle, and they would surely falter if faced by Equestria's military or the Elements of Harmony. However, they possess unusual knowledge, and have the courage and means to attack an Equestrian Princess." She snorted. "They already launched an attack upon me, and their failure was a very near thing."

Twilight gasped, and Applejack raised an eyebrow. "How'd they manage to nearly take ya down?" asked the farmer.

"They have a... weapon. Or at least, they did. Circumstances have apparently not played out as they had hoped," Celestia mumbled, "an ancient artifact of great power allowed them to catch Luna by surprise."

"The unicorns that did this to me also have this gem called the 'MacGuffin Stone'."

"As such, we have taken to moving about the kingdom either with a heavy escort or in secrecy," Celestia explained before taking another sip of tea, "we thought the latter was more appropriate for delivering this warning to you; our business here will be fairly brief, so there was no point in generating a fuss and exciting the villagers by moving in a small army."

"So we need to find and stop these unicorns?" Twilight asked.

"No. Not this time, Twilight," Celestia shook her head, "this is no great or ancient enemy that seeks to sow carnage across the lands, and they likely pose no serious threat at the moment. We believe these ponies are targeting the royal family, and are seeking specifically to defeat me. I am telling you this so that you have ample warning to stay on your guard, but if you locate these ponies then you should avoid them at all costs and report their location to Equestria's enforcers."

"Leavin' crooks to the proper authorities, huh? That'll be a nice change o'pace," Applejack mused.

"Okay, so who are they?" Twilight pressed.

At this question, surprisingly, Celestia suddenly looked pained. Certainly it wasn't a result of surprise; after warning Twilight about a pair of rogue ponies, her asking about their identities was a foregone conclusion. Twilight could only conclude that she found the answer itself quite distressing.

"I have searched our archives, and found the... origin... of these ponies," Celestia sighed deeply, and her horn summoned a pair of thin, hardcover books in a flash of yellow light.

Twilight's jaw fell open as she read the books' titles. Naturally, she had been expecting a jail registry, intelligence report, or maybe a simple population census.

The last "archives" she had expected to find a pair of villains in were yearbooks from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.

The white Princess was obviously as uncomfortable with revelation as her student. Celestia magically laid one book open on the table, and the pages flew aside until she settled on a particular entry.

"Swan Song. She would be age eighteen. Birthplace: Canterlot," Celestia started reading the pony's recorded statistics in a sad, tired voice while the others stared at the picture posted in the corner of the page. A bright green mare with violet eyes grinned into the camera. Her long mane was chestnut brown, and hung down over the right side of her head and neck. A trio of silver rivet piercings was set in the ear that wasn't obscured by her hair. "A genius savant when it comes to combat magic. Insists that she possesses multiple special talents, including but not limited to: sorcery, finding valuable items, hoofball, glass sculpture, and a few others that aren't fit to publish in a school yearbook. Her hobbies include archeology, history, and magobiology, with a particular interest in powerful magic creatures like dragons and wendigoes."

"Weird cutie mark," Spike remarked as he refilled Celestia's tea cup. There was another picture beneath Swan Song's face, featuring a close-up of a large, white bird - presumably a swan - that appeared to be falling.

"Song's instructors insist that her actual special talent is focusing her magical energy reserves into an all-or-nothing magic casting. Although extraordinary, these last-ditch spells rarely accomplish precisely what she intends. She earned her cutie mark during her test to try to hatch a dragon's egg. After failing for several minutes, her frustration built and she finally managed to complete a working spell upon it. She fell unconscious from the effort, her cutie mark appeared, and the dragon egg was hard-boiled on the spot."

Spike's eyes bulged, and he fumbled the tea pot onto the floor. It fell apart with a crash.

"I've got it," Luna said before her horn glowed. The ceramic shards on the floor rose up and started to reassemble themselves before Spike, who was quivering in horror.

"Despite her exemplary achievements in her classes, Swan Song expressed repeated dissatisfaction with my school's curriculum. She complained that its focus on 'boring' topics like civics, community, and the use of magic to aid society as a whole hindered her efforts to learn the best spells for blowing things up and subjugating the weak. Nopony was surprised when she dropped out almost a year ago. She was voted 'most likely to replace Discord in Celestia's statue garden' by her class when they graduated without her."

"She sounds like one bad apple, all right," Applejack remarked with a frown. "Who's the other one?"

If Celestia had looked reluctant before, now she almost seemed on the verge of tears. She laid the second book down on top of the first, but simply stared at the yearbook without opening it.

"Princess?" Twilight said softly. "Are... Are you okay?"

"Come, Sister, show them. There's no helping it now," Luna insisted, placing the restored teapot back into Spike's claws, "surely you must be distressed and embarrassed that these ponies have strayed so far from the path on which you'd hoped to guide them, but it is not your fault."

Luna's words didn't really seem to be cheering up Celestia, but nonetheless the elder Princess steeled her expression and opened the book.

The picture that greeted the others was of a short unicorn stallion, young and obviously cheerful, but dignified. His fur was a dark red, and his eyes were a shadowy grey. His hair was black as pitch, and swept back down his neck in a style more often seen among pegasi. They could see the stallion's back leg, but bizarrely, he didn't have a cutie mark despite looking to be in his mid-teens. That was not, however, the strangest thing about this page of the yearbook.

"This stallion's name... is Blood Rite. He would be forty-six this year. He was born in Stalliongrad. It is believed he is the leader of the two, and may have additional resources and associates. His mane and tail are now ash white, rather than black."

Twilight, Applejack, and Spike all turned their heads up to stare at Celestia, waiting for her to go on. It was all they could do, as there was no more information in the yearbook; everything below the stallion's picture and few lines of basic information had been torn out.

"As I said before, if you see either of them, do not try to capture them on your own. You must be particularly careful, Twilight," Celestia didn't meet her student's eyes as she closed the yearbook.

"Wait, wait, wait. That's it? Blood Rite, forty-six, Stalliongrad, white mane? That's all we know about this varmint?" Applejack asked incredulously. "Ya practically gave us that other one's whole life story! Ya can't even tell us what his cutie mark is? Does he not have one? Can that happen, at his age?"

"Applejack, don't!" Twilight hissed. She was quite aware that her mentor was currently struggling emotionally, but the apple farmer wasn't nearly so sensitive.

"Ah mean, ya GOTTA have more'n that. He came from yer school, right? Did he drop out too?" Applejack asked.

"And his name was 'Blood Rite'? You seriously let somepony enroll called 'Blood Rite'?" Spike asked.

Luna was waiting with an arched eyebrow, clearly interested in the answer but not expecting to hear it.

Princess Celestia shook her head slowly. "Rite did not drop out, no... he was expelled." She suddenly stood up, indicating quite clearly that their meeting was now over. "I have one more errand to attend to in Ponyville, and then I must return to Canterlot. Luna, I'll meet you back home."

Applejack looked like she was about to protest, but when Celestia started heading for the door she instinctually moved aside to let her pass.

"Thank you for telling me, Princess. I'll be careful," Twilight said as Celestia stepped through the front door, "and I'll send you a report if I learn anything!"

The door closed, and Applejack sighed as she felt much of the tension in the room evaporate. "Well, any way ya tear it, that's just odd."

"Princess Celestia said she didn't want us to get involved in this, Applejack. It's not our problem unless she MAKES it our problem," Twilight replied, resolute in her defense of her teacher. Applejack just shrugged.

Then they both turned to face the royal sister that remained.

"Mmph! These apple crumbles are exemplary! I wish I could requisition you as castle staff!" Luna said brightly.

Applejack chuckled and her cheeks turned pink. After the curious and rather grim mood that Celestia had left behind, it was quite pleasant to have a more light-hearted conversation.

"Uh... Princess Luna? Was there something you wanted to talk about?" Twilight asked. She couldn't help but notice that the dark Princess was making no move to leave, and she really didn't see any reason that Luna couldn't take some of the snacks with her while teleporting back home.

"Hmmm..." Luna swallowed her current mouthful, and then glanced up at the ceiling. "... Let us take a walk!" She jumped up suddenly and snapped a wing toward the door, smiling broadly. "We rarely get a chance to converse as friends, Twilight Sparkle. I thought this would be an ideal opportunity!"

"... You thought a secret visit to deliver a personal warning that my life might be in danger would be a good chance to have a friendly chat with me?" Twilight asked.

"Indeed! Spike can come too." Luna bowed her head to Applejack. "Lady Apple, I thank you for your hospitality, and wish you well."

"Ah, shucks, nothin' to it, Princess," Applejack grinned as Luna led Twilight and Spike out the door.

Twilight and Spike shared a nervous glance as they followed Luna into the apple groves. It wasn't hard to figure out that Luna's "friendly chat" had ulterior motives, and both were worried that this topic was coming on the heels of a warning about two dangerous rogue sorcerers.

"... I'm glad that Sister decided to tell you, after all," Luna said suddenly. Her eyes were scanning the trees and looking over the shining, rich fruit of the Apples' orchard. "It was a near thing. She had considered other ways to protect you, from sending undercover guards to giving you extensive duties in Canterlot to keep you within a properly fortified city. In the end, however, her concern for honesty and her trust in you won out."

Twilight had a great number of questions to ask, obviously, but was afraid to probe too deeply. If Celestia didn't want her to know something, Twilight's first instinct was to trust in her teacher that she shouldn't know it.

Spike's curiosity, however, wasn't so easily intimidated. "Why is that, anyway? Was she afraid that Twi knew these ponies?"

"Doubtful," Luna replied, "Blood Rite's enrolment occurred before Sparkle was born, and Swan Song was not in Sparkle's year or well-respected by her colleagues. I believe Sister was afraid that you would wish to get involved in this matter despite her wishes."

Twilight chewed her lip as she considered it. It certainly seemed possible, but she wasn't quite convinced. Still, she didn't feel inclined to press the issue. Celestia had her reasons.

But there was one other question that was eating away at her; a question that could open up a whole new face of this "insurrection", or whatever it was that these sorcerers were trying to accomplish.

"Princess Luna? Do you... know what the unicorns' weapon was called? That artifact that they used against you?" Twilight asked hesitantly.

Luna winced. "I do, but I would rather not dwell on it."

"Why? Was it that bad?" Spike asked.

"No. Just ridiculous."

"The MacGuffin Stone." Saotome's voice practically boomed in Twilight's ears.

"But let us not dwell on the matter of the traitorous ponies," Luna said, suddenly all smiles again, "I actually have a personal request to make of you, Twilight Sparkle."

"Me? Really? What?" The smaller alicorn was obviously surprised to have the Princess of the Night ask her for assistance in a personal matter, and just slightly suspicious.

"We did not go into great detail about the attempt that the upstart wizards made upon me, but it was not through any effort of mine that they failed," Luna admitted, "there is another pony involved in this matter."

"Would this pony happen to have gray fur, braided hair, and a star of white arrows for a cutie mark?" Twilight asked, deliberately sticking to aspects of Ranma's appearance that were the same in both his forms.

Luna froze in mid-step. Her head twisted about to stare at Twilight with wide eyes.

"I thought so," Twilight groaned.

"You know of him?!" Luna shouted, suddenly almost nose-to-nose with Twilight. The smaller alicorn yelped and ducked down. "I have sought any information I could, and have so far come up with nothing! While Sister scoured her library for information on the sorcerers and their artifact, I searched the military, militia, and citizen census until the sun rose again, with no success at all! When did you see him?"

"Three days ago," the purple pony sighed, her shoulders slumping, "and I haven't seen him since."

"Truly? What happened?" Luna demanded, her expression almost frantic.

"Twi blew him up," Spike said.

"By accident! And he got better!" Twilight added quickly.

"Then a dragonspawn tried to kill him," Spike said.

"But that wasn't my fault! Also, he beat it!" Twilight added quickly.

"Beat it with a tornado. That sucked him up and threw him into the air," Spike said.

"But... uh..." Twilight's ears flipped down. "Okay, actually, we're not sure what happened to him after that. But to be fair, we've been searching for him ever since."

Luna continued staring.

"Yeah. It's been that kind of week," Twilight mumbled.

The older Princess relaxed. "I see. Most interesting... do you know anything more about this stallion?"

"Actually, I know a lot about him, although much of it is rather hard to believe." Twilight pursed her lips. "For a start, his name is Saotome Ranma."

"Sao... Tome... Ranma..." Luna whispered, her ears twitching slightly.

Twilight pursed her lips, and her eyes darted to the side. "Also, you know... given that last I saw, he was launched into the sky by a giant cyclone, one thing I don't know about Saotome is whether he's still alive or not."

"He is," Luna said resolutely, snapping out of her daze, "this encounter happened three days ago, you said? My own meeting with Saotome occurred that very night." Twilight looked stunned to hear it. "When Blood Rite and Swan Song had me at their mercy, he ambushed them and saved me from their artifact. They managed to banish him from the field, but barely, and probably by accident."

"Wait, so Saotome DID crash somewhere and just walk off?" Twilight asked in disbelief.

"Twice, apparently," Spike mumbled, "maybe he really IS an alien."

Now it was Luna's turn to be shocked and confused. Again.

"Anyway, why are you looking for him?" Twilight finally asked, not wanting to get side-tracked. "Is it to question him about the unicorns?"

"Not really, no." Luna coughed lightly, trying to retain an especially dignified posture as she entered this next phase of her request. "Sir Saotome rescued me from certain defeat, and may have single-hoofedly derailed their plot against our kingdom. My interest in him is... personal. As such, I wish to enlist your aid in finding him."

"Oh... kay... What did you have in mind?" Twilight asked hesitantly.

"The fact that you know him is an unexpected boon. I had thought that you might need additional time and resources to aid me. If that is not the case, then we should move to track down Saotome Ranma without further delay!" Luna said brightly.

"Wait, you mean... go out and look for him?" Twilight asked in disbelief. "But aren't you supposed to stay under heavy guard as much as possible because you could be attacked at any time?"

"I am supposed to stay under heavy guard OR move secretly," Luna corrected smugly, "obviously, our joint endeavor will take place in utmost secrecy. Nopony but us three shall know of this venture."

A heavy thump came from behind Luna, and she twisted her head around.

Big Macintosh was bucking apple trees barely twenty feet away from the Princesses, his ears folded down and his eyes on the ground as he tried his absolute hardest to ignore the apparently secret meeting happening right in the middle of his work area.

"... Nopony but us... four," Luna corrected, turning back to Twilight, "if I recall correctly, he rarely speaks anyway. Perfectly trustworthy."

"While I'm sure that Big Macintosh isn't going to betray our location and activities to Equestria's enemies, I'm more concerned with the ponies who DON'T know about this. Like Princess Celestia." Twilight said with a frown.

"Informing Sister as to our intentions could only compromise my mission," Luna insisted.

"Why is that?"

"Because she would object, obviously."

Twilight slapped a hoof against her face. "And that doesn't suggest to you that perhaps you SHOULDN'T?"

Luna shook her head. "You're both overreacting. A pair of clever malcontents needn't cause such panic that all of the Equestrian royalty should be locked up as if under siege. And if the scoundrels should find us somehow and think to assault us, surely two Equestrian Princesses would be up the task of subduing them. When they first attacked me, they had the benefit of surprise and anonymity. Both advantages are now null. They likely do not even possess the artifact that they thought to use against me."

"Those are all perfectly valid points. However, I am still EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the prospect of defying Princess Celestia's wishes," Twilight countered.

"You are doing no such thing," Luna scoffed, "Sister's only wish was for you to avoid contact with Blood Rite and his lackeys. Do you think you are more likely to accomplish that aim here, where you live, with no security of any note, than out in the countryside on a confidential mission to locate somepony else?"

"That's a technicality! You already presume that Princess Celestia would disapprove! That's your explicit reason for not telling her!" Twilight stressed.

"Twi, didn't you say that you wanted to find Saotome too?" Spike suddenly interjected.

"W-Well... yes!" Twilight stammered, glancing back between Luna and her assistant. "But for purely academic reasons!"

"Well, now you have even more reasons, don't you?" Spike asked with a quirked eyebrow. "Luna wants to find this guy, you want to study this guy, and he's apparently an enemy of these unicorn goons. He might even know something about them that we don't. You DID kind of blow him off when he tried to tell you about them before."

Twilight's ears drooped. That DID make a lot of sense, as much as she hated to admit it. "Well..."

"And then you kind of blew him up," Spike added for no obvious reason, "and by 'kind of', I mean the explosion launched him all the way across town and demolished the-"

"YES, OKAY, FINE! Stop bringing it up!" Twilight shouted before lowering her head again. "Okay... it isn't that I don't WANT to help. I do! But I'm just REALLY concerned about this whole thing taking place behind Princess Celestia's back."

Luna's gaze met Spike's, and they shared an eye roll.

"There is nothing untoward about it. My authority is equal in every respect to Sister's, and I needn't secure her permission for anything. Your authority is..." Luna trailed off uncertainly. "Uh... less... clear, I suppose... but there is likewise no reason you should have to seek Sister's permission to travel the countryside."

Twilight kept frowning at her.

"If it makes you feel better, then you can provide a full report to Sister after we return with my fiancé," Luna sighed.

"Well, actually, yes, that does make me feel-" Twilight jerked her head up suddenly. "Wait, when we return with what?"

"With Saotome Ranma. The stallion that saved me." Luna coughed, placing a hoof against her chest. "Forgive me if I misspoke. My diction is still adapting to the modern form of our language."

"Oh... uh... Okay." Twilight scratched her head with a hoof, and then nodded slowly. "All right, I'll help. You make a good case, and you're right that between the two of us, any criminal would have a hard time getting the jump on us." Then her expression became more determined. "Besides, if Princess Celestia really doesn't want me getting anywhere near Blood Rite, then this is the only way I can help while staying relatively safe from them. Saotome Ranma is our only available source of information."

"Yeah. Well, unless you count all the staff and faculty at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns who would have known Blood Rite when he took classes there," Spike mused aloud.

"We're not counting them," Luna assured him.

"But, wait!" Twilight protested. "Maybe one of them knows-"

"We're NOT COUNTING them!" Luna assured her more forcefully. Then she leaned back and cleared her throat. "You can rest assured that such obvious leads are being addressed as necessary by the Royal Guard in their pursuit of the villains. Saotome Ranma, however, is a pony that Sister has taken no interest in questioning."

"Okay, fair enough..." Twilight glanced down at Spike. "So, when do you want to leave? And where should we start looking?"

"I was prepared to depart within the hour, but since I now have the stallion's name, this offers additional options." Luna spread her wings, and turned in the direction of Canterlot. "I will consult with my Lunar Guard and see if their networks can give us a hint of our quarry's location! Be prepared to leave once the moon rises tomorrow!" The dark Princess lifted off, vaulting into the air on wings of midnight blue.

"All right, Princess! I'll see you tomorrow, then!" Twilight shouted as the larger alicorn soared above the treetops. A burst of shadowy darkness exploded around Luna in mid-air, and then she vanished from sight into a long-range teleport.

Twilight shook her head. "Well, it looks like I'm going to be searching for Saotome a little longer."

"Yeah, about that..." Spike mumbled, "should we have told her about the alien thing? Or, at least, the pegasus thing?"

"Oh, right, I forgot about that," Twilight mumbled, rubbing her head, "well, we'll have plenty of time together while we're traveling. I'll bring it up later."

A heavy thump came from directly behind her, and Twilight turned around. Big Macintosh was still harvesting apples from the trees around them, and still trying his best to pretend that his presence wasn't enormously awkward.

"So, it looks like we won't be staying with you and Applejack after tomorrow," Twilight said with a nervous smile, "and, uh, I won't really be able to tell Applejack WHY..."

"Eeyup," Big Mac said, finally breaking his extensive silence.

"I'll just say it's Princess business. That's accurate, and nopony ever asks me to be more specific..."

"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed.

"So... yeah... keep a secret?"

The stallion placed a hoof to the side of his muzzle and then drew it across his lips.

This seemed to break Twilight out of her anxiousness, and she quickly trotted away. "All right, thank you! I have to start preparing and making arrangements!" Before long she was out of earshot, well on her way back to the farmstead.

Spike sighed. "Well, so much for my vacation. I thought I might actually get to relax a little until the new library was built."

"Sorry to hear it, Spike. Ya sure ya don't wanna stay here and leave this to the Princesses?" Big Mac asked, nudging his head toward the farmstead.

The young dragon shook his head. "Nah. I'm pretty sure I can't count on Princess Luna to keep Twi out of trouble. Sorry I'll have to bail on the hoofball game this weekend." He made a fist and held it up.

Mac tapped his hoof against it, smirking. "S'all right, little buddy. Don't let her work ya too hard."

Celestia grimaced to herself as she stood atop a small arch bridge, looking at her next destination. The cottage was tall and isolated from the rest of the village at large, with light fencing, bird posts, and several small shelters scattered around it. It was quaint and idyllic, and precisely the last place one would have expected to find an ancient tyrant of chaos.

That was probably why Discord liked it so much.

The white Princess walked up to Fluttershy's home, mentally preparing herself for the trials ahead. Discussing the evident rebellion of ponies that she had sought to guide and educate was painful, but the conversation she sought now was probably going to be emotionally trying in a completely different way.

Princess Celestia stood before the front door and knocked politely. A muffled assurance came from within, letting her know that she had been heard.

The door cracked open, and Fluttershy poked her head out cautiously.

That caution turned to shock when she saw who was waiting outside. Fluttershy flung the door open and then quickly dipped into a bow.

"P-P-Princess C-Celestia! Hello! I, uh, I wasn't... I mean, I didn't..."

"Be calm, my little pony," Celestia said soothingly, "there is no need to fret." Once the pegasus stopped stammering and her breathing returned to normal, the Princess of the Sun continued. "I'm looking for Discord."

Fluttershy blinked rapidly. "Oh. What did he...?"

Celestia shook her head, smiling ruefully. "As I said, there is no need to fret. I'm not here to make accusations or punish any alleged misdeeds... this time."

"Phew! Well, why didn't you say so?" called out an enthusiastic voice from upstairs.

Discord slid downstairs along the banister, and then landed in a crouch right in front of Celestia. He was wearing a top hat and the upper half of a tuxedo, and he held out a bouquet of flowers to the white mare.

"For you, my dearest Princess," Discord said bashfully, looking away and fluttering his eyelashes.

Celestia's expression lost much of the gentle warmth she had displayed toward Fluttershy. "... No, thank you."

"Not your type? Okay, hold on. Let's try something else," Discord stood up and snapped his fingers. A moment later he was wearing a spike-studded leather jacket, fingerless gloves, and a pair of shades.

The spirit of chaos shoved the bouquet forward more forcefully. "Here babe, got ya something. Don't say I never did nothing for you. Chopper's in the back; you ready to bounce?"

"Discord. Stop," Celestia said flatly.

Discord pushed up his sunglasses, frowning. "What? Is it the flowers? Should I have gone with chocolates? I figured your current diet is obviously hard enough on your flank as it is; should I really be tempting you?"

Celestia's eye twitched. "For starters, Discord, those are poison joke flowers."

"What? They are not!" the ancient tyrant scoffed as he looked down at the dark blue blossoms. "This is... uh... oh, wow. You're right. Huh. I think there was a little mix-up, somewhere." He furrowed his brow. "So THAT'S why the town hall meeting went off without a hitch. I thought the Mayor was just being sarcastic..."

Fluttershy sat off to the side, her eyes anxiously darting from her friend to her sovereign. She was quite relieved to hear that Celestia's visit wasn't retaliation for one of Discord's pranks, but there was plenty of scope for that to happen before she left.

"Secondly," Celestia continued evenly, "this is not a social visit."

A white, bushy eyebrow arched upward on Discord's brow. "Oh? But the way I see it, there are only three occasions on which you'd seek ME out. One, obviously, is to give me one of your pointless, boring lectures. Or one of your pointless, but rather exciting, volleys of fireballs to the face. Either way, you've already ruled that out." He took a step back and hugged his arms together while puckering his lips. "Another reason would be to FINALLY declare your long-suppressed love for me."

Princess Celestia took a step back reflexively, and her muzzle scrunched up as she fought off a surge of nausea.

Discord dropped his pose and then scratched at his beard with a claw. "Really, the only other reason for you to see me is if you need my help with something important."

"Yes. That one. That's why I'm here," Celestia interjected quickly, "really, that should have been AT LEAST your second guess."

"Call me an optimist," Discord grinned and shrugged. Then he launched himself backward through the air, landing on a couch in Fluttershy's living room. His biker outfit had also vanished at some point. "The friendly and all-powerful Discord is at your service, my Princess."

Fluttershy quickly scurried off to do chores, deciding that she didn't really need to be around while two immortal God-creatures chatted in her living room. Celestia entered the living room and sat down, trying not to glare at the individual she was trying to consult for help.

"... There is a new enemy that seeks the end of Equestria. Or, at least, the royal order," Celestia said hesitantly.

"Same horse time, same horse channel," Discord replied, "let's not beat around the bush, Celly. If this were any ordinary disaster, you would have just sent your purple pet Princess after it."

Celestia grimaced. "The enemy is... closer to me than I would like. Twilight is not involved in this, and I intend to keep it that way."

"Juicy! Home-grown antagonists always give the drama that extra little bite!" Discord rubbed his mismatched hands together. "Go on."

"What I'm having a problem with is that this enemy may or may not have an artifact that I have very little working knowledge about," the Princess admitted, "I need to know about a gem called the MacGuffin Stone."

Discord sniggered. "That's a silly name for an artifact."

"So I've been told," Celestia deadpanned, "for so long, the MacGuffin Stone was imagined to be myth, only referenced in obscure nursery rhymes, campaigns of Oubliettes and Ogres role-playing games, and a partially recovered archive of something called 'TVtropes'."

"Ah, I remember that source book. I think I still have my old character sheets lying around somewhere from 2nd Edition," Discord mused.

"Discord, please focus," the Princess requested sternly, "none of the sources suggest plausible evidence of the MacGuffin Stone's existence, much less give a proper accounting of what it actually does. I figured that you, if anypony, would have knowledge of an artifact so patently ridiculous."

The spirit of chaos stared up at the ceiling as his tail swung back and forth over the end of the couch. "Well. Maybe I do, and maybe I don't."

"And what does THAT mean?" Celestia asked through clenched teeth.

"It means I haven't made my Knowledge roll yet!" Discord said, sitting upright and making finger guns at Celestia. "Eh? Eh?"

Celestia simply looked perplexed. "A... what? Knowledge 'roll'? What does that even mean?"

Discord pouted and fell back again. "I see you haven't actually participated in those O&O campaigns yourself. Hmph. Twilight Sparkle would have gotten that."

"Discord, if I'm wasting my time, I would appreciate it if you would tell me up-front," Celestia groused.

"Oh, no, not at all. I know all about the MacGuffin Stone." Discord's tail continued swinging back and forth, and it started making a sound like the pendulum of a clock. "So. What do I get out of this?"

"How about the satisfaction and self-fulfillment that comes from aiding your friends and neighbors?" Celestia suggested.

She wasn't terribly surprised when Discord started laughing, slapping a hand against his knee. "Ha ha HAH! Oh, that was good! Who says you don't have a sense of humor?! Besides me, I mean. Constantly. I bring it up a lot. You could really stand to lighten up."

Celestia started glaring.

"See? This is what I'm talking about," Discord sat up, smirking at her, "come on, Celly, I'm not one of your loyal subjects. If I'm going to help, you have to offer me something in return. This isn't anything nefarious; it's basic reciprocation."

"And what would you want for this information?" the Princess asked suspiciously.

"Well, if you really can't put enough thought into it to come up with a gift idea yourself, you can always just owe me a favor," Discord shrugged, "it won't be anything crude or terrible. Just a promise that you'll do some unspecified thing for me at some unspecified time in the future."

"That..." Celestia looked away, her eyes narrowing. "That actually sounds rather reasonable. Which just makes me more suspicious."

Discord held his lion's paw to his waist and held up his other arm. "I promise you that I have no sinister intentions whatsoever. And you may maintain the right to refuse any particular favor if you decide it is unacceptable."

Celestia looked up at him, and then down at where his lion paw was being held.

"Yes, that's where my heart is. The biggest one, anyway."

"All right, fine. I accept. IF this information is actually useful," the alicorn relented, "now out with it."

Discord suddenly stood straight up, and then started pacing back and forth across the living room. Fluttershy's home had numerous bird houses and perches hanging from the ceiling, and he paid these obstacles no mind as he walked a circuit around the cottage, knocking them aside and startling the animals within.

"The MacGuffin Stone exists for one purpose: to drive a narrative," Discord began.

"Drive a WHAT?"

"A story. A conflict. A remarkable series of events that would be impossible without it and significantly impact the lives of everypony - or rather, everyTHING - involved," the chaos spirit clarified. A birdhouse caught on his right antler, and the sparrows within quickly evacuated as it was pulled free of its anchor. "It does this in a few different ways; sometimes it can get by simply compelling and guiding several relevant actors - let's call them 'main characters' - to chase after it. But if secured by a party that knows what it's doing, it can accomplish feats of such magnitude that it inevitably brings the main characters into conflict."

"Feats like what?" Celestia pressed.

"Well, the MacGuffin Stone specializes in challenging the status quo; the natural order that persists because a great deal of power is invested into it and formidable interests wish to keep it that way." He grinned at Celestia. "Like, say, a kingdom that controls the world's largest and most successful population, and regulates the very rise and fall of the sun itself."

The alicorn bristled. "You mean to say the Stone seeks the downfall of Equestria?"

"No," Discord said quickly, turning his head away and still pacing, "the MacGuffin Stone is not intelligent. It doesn't make decisions. It does not care about outcomes. It simply ENABLES - to use this convenient example - the downfall of Equestria, and provokes both you and other interested parties to action. That's all."

"It sounds like your kind of artifact," Celestia grumbled.

"For what it is, yes," Discord admitted, "I need no such things to cause havoc and disrupt harmonious stability. But for those who are NOT me - a sadly prevalent condition, so I understand - it is a useful crutch when faced with insurmountable odds."

"So what does it DO, specifically? Luna said that when it was used against her, it sapped her magic and left her nearly helpless."

Discord stopped mid-step, and his head snapped around toward Celestia. The birdhouse that had been hanging from his antler was flung through the air and somehow landed back on its original ceiling hook.

"Really? It was used on her? Hmmmm..." he started rubbing his chin.

"Yes, and it may be used on one of us again. To PREVENT that, I need to know what its specific effects are and how to counter them," Celestia explained patiently.

Discord's thoughtful pose melted away and he started pacing again. "Well, here's where things get... opaque. The MacGuffin Stone's powers have always been poorly understood. But one important function it has is to easily capture a powerful creature and use its magical energy on behalf of the Stone's bearer. It's part of the 'disrupting natural order' thing; it removes a major player and tilts the balance of power the other way."

Celestia's brow furrowed as her gaze fixed onto the floor. "Then... they were trying to catch Luna to use her power for their own?"

"Probably. The SURPRISING thing is that the Stone should already be 'occupied', so it should already have the power your little rebels need."

Celestia's head snapped up again. Discord's pacing circuit had now expanded beyond the living room floor, and he was walking up the wall and onto the ceiling. "Something was already in it? Did they need more power, then?"

"Maybe, but I doubt it. The last one was good enough to torch most of the planet," Discord mumbled as he walked across the ceiling, "as for how to counter it, well, the only sure way is controlling it yourself, or destroying it outright. Rather the point, you know. But barring that, it can't suck you into its unfathomable, ethereal core without touching you, so keep a quick teleport handy."

Discord stopped, and then looked down - or, from his angle, up - at Celestia. "But whatever you do, you'll want to make sure that the creature currently trapped in the MacGuffin Stone STAYS there."

The Princess quirked a brow. "Why? What is inside?"

"A force of destruction the likes of which you have NEVER faced before," Discord intoned grimly, clasping his hands behind his back.

Celestia recoiled, disturbed by the sudden lack of levity in his tone. "Is it... that bad?"

"Whatever you're imagining, I guarantee the 'prisoner' is worse," the spirit of chaos said darkly, "should it get free, your mightiest heroes will falter and your greatest feats of power shall prove useless. It will overcome any opposition and demolish any bulwark. Terror will reign across Equestria, and your time upon its throne shall be numbered."

The Princess stared with wide eyes, stunned that such a serious and dire proclamation was coming from Discord.

"... Either that, or it will just faff about around the countryside and settle down somewhere," Discord added, "hard to say. Odds favor terror and destruction, though." He scratched at his chin some more.

Celestia groaned. "I don't suppose you can offer me something more USEFUL about this prisoner than deliberately non-specific pronouns and vague portents of doom, can you?"

"Oh, sure. I know all about it," Discord replied.

Celestia held out an upraised hoof, gesturing for him to continue.

"... BUT, obviously, that would cost you another favor." Discord grinned as the mare's expression fell. "I think if I have two, then I could spend one on a date. How do you like roller coasters? I LOVE roller coasters!"

Celestia's horn glowed, and a second later Discord dropped down from the ceiling onto his head.

"I'll pass," the Princess grunted as she turned back toward the front door, "it shouldn't matter, anyway. The MacGuffin Stone is the key either way." She started heading out, but then paused. "... Thank you, Discord. This meeting was far less irritating and difficult than I expected."

"I live to serve," replied the spirit of chaos. He was still lying on the floor on his head, with his long, hybrid body heaped around him.

Celestia departed Fluttershy's cottage, thinking hard on what she had just been told. Both about the artifact, and about the monster that supposedly lay within. Discord's information had been useful, but didn't much change her immediate goals; whether or not there was a dangerous magic weapon out there, her first priority was stopping the rogues that directly sought her downfall.

At least she had been vindicated in keeping Twilight and the Elements of Harmony out of the matter; if the MacGuffin Stone operated as Discord had suggested, then sending her most powerful heroines to neutralize it could easily make things much worse. Ultimately, though, the artifact was a secondary objective; a loose end that she would see wrapped up after...

After...

The Princess heaved a despondent sigh, dropping her head low to the ground. The sun was almost ready to be lowered, and she had other affairs of state to see to besides.

"Rite..." Celestia whispered, her horn lighting up with a fierce, golden halo. "I suppose this was inevitable, wasn't it? You fought your destiny for so long, but now it's come to this... I'm so sorry..."

With a sharp intake of breath and a brilliant flare of light, Celestia teleported away from Ponyville.

Author's Note

Little did Celestia know that the ancient horror within the MacGuffin Stone had already been unleashed, and was already nefariously mooching off of her kingdom's subjects and demolishing its B-list villains.

My headcanon is that Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns is essentially an Equestrian Hogwarts that simultaneously trains up megalomaniac evil overlords and the heroes that defeat them. A handful of the class go on to become protagonists, a quarter grow up to be evil warlocks and their minions, and the rest apparently do pretty much nothing of consequence.
Typical high school, really.

Saddlebrook

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 6

Saddlebrook

Trixie snorted and her eyes fluttered open to let in the first rays of dawn poking over the horizon.

She groaned and shifted in her blanket, rolling away from the light. Ultimately her resistance was hopeless; once Trixie had woken up and dawn started encroaching on her camp, she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. But she indulged her drowsy eyelids for a little while longer anyway.

Her leg shifted upward, sliding across an empty patch of dirt. After a few seconds, Trixie cracked her eye open again to check the spot on the ground next to her. There was nopony there.

"Where did that goon run off to first thing in the morning?" Trixie grumbled as she pushed herself upright and started looking around. Ranma had been lying right next to her when they had gone to bed last night, and they had even shared the same blanket.

She supposed she should have felt weird about sleeping right next to a stallion, but the thought hadn't even occurred to her when they had settled in to rest. It bothered her that she had become so comfortable with Ranma's presence, but not nearly as much as she'd expected. At the very least it was hard to imagine Ranma trying anything inappropriate considering his status as a transformed alien, and he certainly hadn't shown any sort of interest in her beyond her food stores and wallet.

With that in mind, the first thing Trixie checked on after she got up was her wagon. When she was satisfied that her remaining food stores hadn't been ransacked behind her back (rather than right in front of her), she started packing up her camp.

After bundling up her blankets and levitating them into her cart, Trixie took another look around her camp. It suddenly occured to her that perhaps the cursed stallion had left her for good. He might have spent the night contemplating his mission and decided to strike out on his own, leaving the camp without waking her up. Perhaps whatever magic had sent him to this world had worn off, or activated again, or otherwise teleported him away from her side. For all she knew he might have just been a sleepwalker and stumbled off into the night to fall into a ravine or something.

"Yeah, right. As if Trixie would be so lucky," the magician grumbled, trotting away from her vehicle. Before long, a sudden shout came from high above to reveal the location of her wayward companion.

"Hey, Trix! Check it out! I'm flying! I can fly!" Ranma was in his female form, obviously, with her wings stretched wide and her forelegs spread ahead of her. She was soaring high above the treetops, cutting through the air at a speed that Trixie supposed might have qualified as impressive. She was not, however, particularly impressed.

"Yes, great! You and a third of the entire pony species! Now stop fooling around and get down here!" Trixie shouted before stamping her hoof onto the ground.

Ranma's flight path wobbled as she zoomed overhead, and then the martial artist started to descend. Trixie traced her descent path, noting that the pegasus seemed to be heading straight for a cluster of trees.

Well, this is Mister Superequine Martial Artist. I'm sure she'll be able to avoi-okay, never mind, she's crashing. Trixie watched in bemusement as Ranma disappeared into the leafy branches and then tumbled down from the boughs a moment later. To her credit, Ranma flipped upright and landed lightly on her hooves, but the casual grace of the landing was utterly ruined by the twigs and leaves in her mane.

Ranma shook her head and then galloped over Trixie, grinning widely. "What's up, Trix! Ready for breakfast?"

"You look awfully chipper for somepony who's probably going to spend the next half-hour picking bark out of their teeth," Trixie drawled, "what was that just then? Did you hit the tree on purpose?"

"Yeah. That's how I land," the martial artist explained, "you know, for now. Until I can figure out how to slow down in mid-flight. I've got a while to go until I'm as good as Sparks."

"Isn't that rather pointless?" Trixie asked as she turned around and started heading back to her wagon. "Trixie recalls that one of your immediate goals is to be restored to your human form. Learning to use your pegasus wings isn't going to be much help then."

"Maybe not, but it's still kind of fun," Ranma explained, "having wings is pretty much the only thing I like about being a horse, so I might as well enjoy it while I can, right?" Then she pursed her lips. "Also, I don't really have the best record for getting these sorts of magic problems fixed. As much as I hate to think about it, I could be like this for a long time."

"Oh? What's so bad about being a pony, anyway?" Trixie asked with a quirked brow.

"It's not that ponies are bad, but being human is WAY better. We have hands and video games and pants and can eat meat, which is delicious. Seriously, humans are just the best." Ranma suddenly reared up and kicked out her front hooves one at a time. "Also, while I've done all right so far with this pony body, I spent my entire life learning martial arts as a human. It's pretty hard to fight like this."

"Trixie supposes you'll just have to make a living contributing to society in some way that doesn't involve wanton violence." They reached the cart, and Trixie leapt up on top of it.

"But I spent almost my entire life learning to use wanton violence! That would be such a WASTE!" the martial artist protested. "Also, aren't we going to eat before we head out?"

"Yeah, no. That's not happening," Trixie said flatly, jabbing a foreleg at the yoke of her cart. "Hook yourself up and let's go. The sooner we get to Saddlebrook, the sooner you can find a job and start earning your keep properly, and the sooner Trixie can continue earning hers."

"Awww..." Ranma's ears drooped as she walked around to the front of the wagon and hitched herself up again. "No breakfast? But it's the most important meal of the day!"

"Stop your moaning. Trixie hasn't eaten either," the unicorn snapped, "besides, you had some twenty times Trixie's own ration last night! Trixie is on her last oat sack!"

"So what? You get to lie down during the entire trip! I'm towing you and your stuff!"

"Trixie normally has to tow her own stuff, and STILL only ate a fraction of what you do."

"Come on, Trix! Be a pal!"

"Trixie SAID to stop moaning! The sooner we get to Saddlebrook, the sooner you can start harrassing other ponies for food and money!"

"Aw, man..."

A spark of bright crimson light flashed into existence atop an empty hill, indicating the first stage of a long teleport. The tiny magical pinprick in the fabric of reality spilled open after a few seconds, dumping a pair of ponies onto the short, lush grass that covered the hillside.

Rite quickly glanced around to ensure he and Swan Song were alone, and then he closed his eyes. "All right, I have a bearing." His thoughts of the MacGuffin Stone gave him a direction, and then he turned to face directly toward the beacon in his mind's eye.

"Looking good, Mister Rite!" Swan Song chirped. Settled on her back was a folded map, a compass, a pen, and a ruler. Swan's own horn lit up to unfold the map in the air, and then she oriented the chart in accordance with the compass. "Just give me a second to mark the direction..."

"I must say, as stupidly convenient as this 'MacGuffin Sense' is, it's quite troublesome that it provides no sense of distance," Rite observed as Swan worked, "at the least, though, this will make traveling with the Stone more secure. It would be quite discouraging if Princess Luna could easily judge our exact location in an instant and teleport on top of us."

Swan drew a line across the map according to Rite's facing, and then she labeled their current location with a number. Then she blinked. "Wait... Mister Rite, this line doesn't intersect with the others!"

"Oh? Let me see." The magic surrounding the paper changed color, and the map shifted over so that the stallion could check the lines.

To be sure, the vague magic beacon that allowed him and Swan Song to check on the artifact's direction relative to themselves didn't lend itself to precise measurements. There were already two other lines drawn over the map, and while they had naturally expected the third line to intersect at the same point as the first two did, instead this new vector veered off and didn't touch them at all.

"Interesting. It seems our target is on the move," Rite said, smirking, "we'll need to make a few more checks, then, but this shouldn't be too hard. Let's go!"

Swan Song magically folded up the map as Rite's horn pulsed with energy, and a large runic circle appeared under their hooves.

"Oh! Before I forget: whether or not this works, let's make sure we get the stallion's name this time," Swan said while tucking the paper away in her saddlebag, "I'm running out of synonyms for 'monkey' in my poetry. Besides, it's just kind of an ugly word to begin with, you know? 'Monkey'. Not very romantic."

"Swan Song, please. I am doing my utmost not to think about your hobbies or your love life. Help me out, here."

"Oh, sorry. I guess you do need to concentrate for this, huh?"

"That's not why."

The magic construct swallowed the two unicorns, leaving only a wisp of smoke wafting over the grass.

Rite had proven correct in his assessment of the MacGuffin Stone's movements.

It had taken but a few more teleports and drawn vectors to determine that their target was moving along a well-used road between Saddlebrook and Hoofington, two small-ish pony towns in the more rural regions of Equestria. By checking the order of the lines slashing across the path, they were even able to determine the MacGuffin Stone's approximate speed of approach and plan their ambush down to the hour.

Rite had moved them to just outside Saddlebrook and staked out an approach to the village. They had found a good vantage point, and he had set up a magical sensor to provide him with a view down the road so that they were guaranteed to get the drop on any incoming travelers. He had set up a fixed-point teleport gate to allow them a quick line of retreat straight back to the tower in case things went bad. As Rite put the finishing touches on his plan and explained the details to his partner, he estimated he even had enough time to set up a magic trap or two in case they had to fight the pigtailed pony after all.

But whoever had first said "no plan survives contact with the enemy" clearly had never had to deal with a headstrong intern.

"What do you MEAN you won't do it?!" Rite snapped, very nearly blasting steam out of his ears.

Swan Song had a deep frown across her muzzle as she tilted her nose up, looking perfectly unrepentent. "Just that. I'm not undoing the spell I put on him. Never-ever."

The stallion's jaw fell slack. "But... You... He... WHY NOT?!"

"Uh, duh? Maybe because I'm not attracted to hairless gorillas?" Swan rolled her eyes. "I can't believe THIS was your great plan all along. You should have told me earlier."

"YES, this is my great plan! I wanted to offer him exactly what he wants and correct the legitimate grievance he has against us in return for our all-important artifact!" Rite shouted.

"Exactly. It'll never work."

"How do you know?!" Rite demanded.

"Because I'm not going along with it."

Rite's horn flared brightly, but he forced himself to calm down against his initial urge to light his assistant on fire. "Swan Song, you're being ridiculous. You honestly mean to tell me that you're willing to derail my efforts here and endanger our entire plan just for an EXTREMELY remote chance to mate with this... THING? He isn't even a pony!"

"He may not be a pony on the inside, but it's what's on the OUTSIDE that counts!" Swan insisted. "Also, I don't just plan on mating with him. We're going to be a proper couple!"

"If you're perfectly fine with some random transformed animal as a partner, then just polymorph a blasted squirrel into your dream stallion or something!" Rite growled.

"Ew, no! I'm not THAT hard up for a date," Swan stuck her tongue out in disgust.

Rite sputtered incoherently for several seconds, and his horn started flickering again.

Then the stallion sucked in a deep, calming breath, and his eyes became hard.

"Swan Song. I am not REQUESTING your cooperation. I'm ordering it. We have wronged this creature, and you have an opportunity to make it right while also accomplishing the most important objective in our greater mission. You are being extraordinarily petty and short-sighted."

"Pft. Whatever." She blew a raspberry at the stallion. "I'm not doing it. You'll just have to come up with something else to give him for the MacGuffin Stone."

"There IS NOTHING ELSE!!" Rite howled, his eyes flashing crimson briefly. "Restoring his original species is the only thing he could possibly want from us! What else would possibly convince him to give up the artifact when he knows that it specifically offers him bargaining leverage against you and I?" He snorted. "For that matter, what did you THINK we were going to offer him when I first told you I intended to negotiate? Did you think we would just try to bribe him with shiny objects or something?"

Swan Song wilted somewhat at this question, her ears falling flat against her head and her eyes drifting to the side. "Well... I kind of thought... you know... that you might offer... me."

Rite recoiled, and his jaw fell slack again. "You thought... WHAT? NO! No, never! I'd never offer you up to a stallion like you were some sort of... some sort of concubine! You're not an object! What kind of pony do you take me for?!"

"An awesome evil overlord who will go to any lengths to humble a veritable sun goddess and have your revenge," Swan replied without so much as a pause.

"I'm NOT!"

"Yeah, well now we're BOTH disappointed," Swan deadpanned.

The stallion collapsed onto the ground, fighting back tears of frustration and sorrow. Rite had always found Swan Song's amoral nature and open lust for power off-putting, but had always reasoned that she was the best assistant he was ever going to get. Anypony more ethical would almost certainly object to his plans, and it didn't really matter so long as she followed his orders.

Now that she WASN'T following orders, Rite began to wonder if his goals would really be any harder to complete without an obnoxiously scatterbrained sorceress by his side. In this particular case she was deliberately making herself an obstacle, and it occurred to Rite that he didn't possess any particular leverage over the mare.

A spark appeared off to the side, and both unicorns started in surprise as one of Rite's spells were triggered.

"He's here! He's here!" Swan bounced on her hooves in glee as the magic spark of light expanded to show a projected view of the road. "He's here! He's... wait, who are THEY?"

Rather than a lone, gray earth pony stallion trotting down the road, Rite and Swan were looking at two mares traveling by wagon. One was a pegasus, and she seemed to be hauling a cart occupied by a rather ostentatious unicorn.

"Aw, fireballs. False alarm. I guess the stud's still a ways down the road," Swan Song muttered.

"But... no, wait..." Rite closed his eyes, and then checked the direction of the MacGuffin Stone's guiding presence. "No... No, they have it! It's moving along with them! They have the MacGuffin Stone!"

"What? Seriously? How?" Swan asked in distress. "Does this mean that the sexy pony isn't coming?"

"I don't... uh..." Rite started to sweat as his mind raced. Several calculations and presumptions had just gone straight out the window, and he had barely a minute to make a decision if they wanted to intercept the pair.

On the one hoof, this DOES resolve my point of conflict with Swan Song. On the other hoof, I'm now dealing with new, completely unknown factors. This could work to my benefit, but... wait...

His eyes narrowed as he stared at the pegasus mare.

Okay, something is strange, here. The gender, race, and mane color are different, obviously, but that pegasus looks VERY MUCH like our target. What if...?

Rite shook his head. "Let's hold back, for now. We don't have enough information and have ample time. We can observe them in town, and then..."

He stopped talking. Not because he didn't have anything more to say, but rather because he didn't have anypony around to listen. Swan Song had already left.

"... I believe some downsizing is definitely in order when we're done here," the crimson stallion sighed.

"... And then there's sausage. Sausage was GREAT." A droplet of drool fell from Ranma's lips and fell into the dust beneath her hooves. "It's a western food, but super tasty. I think it's made by just grinding up the animal along with a bunch of spices and stuff. Usually they're pork. It's not that expensive, either!"

Trixie, who was still wrapped up in her blankets atop the wagon, grimaced in disgust. "Can we talk about something else? Trixie doesn't consider herself an animal lover, but Trixie is still a strict herbivore."

An echoing rumble reached her ears, and then the wagon lurched to a halt as Ranma froze.

"Also, Trixie believes all the talk of food isn't doing your appetite any favors," the magician pointed out.

"That wasn't my stomach!" Ranma clenched her teeth and expanded her senses, searching for the source of the noise. "There!"

Trixie yelped as the pegasus bolted forward, yanking the wagon along behind her. A second later a crackling sphere of golden lightning descended on the road from above, crashing into the dirt and detonating with a deafening thunderclap.

Trixie flinched back from the noise and flash of light, confused and more than a little bit frightened; that lightning orb had been aimed right at her cart. "What's going on? Who dares attack the Great and Powerful Trixie?!" She stood up atop her things as Ranma unhitched herself from the wagon in preparation to fight.

"I do!" Swan Song shouted, leaping from the brush to stand in the middle of the road. The sorceress tossed her head to the side to clear her dark hair from her eyes, and then grinned at the other mares. "My name is Swan Song! Surrender the MacGuffin Stone or I'll reduce both of you to scorch marks!"

"Swan Song?" Trixie asked. "You mean...?" She looked down at Ranma, who met her gaze and nodded.

The magician's expression shifted instantly, turning into a haughty smirk. "Oh, okay. Trixie gets it. You're here for your silly rock, are you?"

"That's right!" Swan confirmed. "Also, I want to know what happened to the stallion who had it! Where is he?! How did you get the MacGuffin Stone from him?! Is he single?!"

"Oh, stop your yelping," Trixie snorted. "So what are you planning to do with it, anyway?"

"I don't-" Ranma started to speak, only for Trixie to make a sushing noise.

"Quiet, Calamity. Let the little bandit speak."

Ranma stared at Trixie in disbelief and confusion. Swan Song stared at Trixie in rapidly building fury.

"BANDIT?! You think I'm some small-time petty crook?!" the green mare screeched. Her horn flashed with magic, and Ranma's pigtail stood on end.

"You're ambushing a pair of travelers and demanding their shiny rocks, aren't you?" Trixie kept a smirk on her face even as the other mare's horn sparked. "If you're not some two-bit rogue, what are you up to?"

Ranma raised a hoof. "Er, but what abou-"

"Not now dear, the unicorns are talking," Trixie again cut off the martial artist.

Swan Song likewise paid the pegasus no mind. "Ha! Wouldn't you like to know? I don't have to explain our awesome evil scheme to the likes of you!"

Trixie sneered. "You don't actually know, do you? Trixie should have guessed. There was another unicorn, right? He probably doesn't tell clueless underlings anything important. For the best, really."

Swan Song saw red for a moment, and a pulse of pure mana blasted out around her, throwing out a wave of loose dirt. The display did no obvious harm, but Ranma felt the nerves along her spine dance at the sight.

"Of course I know the plan! We're going to overthrow Princess Celestia and abolish Equestria's diarchy!" Swan shouted. "We're going to fix the sun and defeat destiny!"

This actually caused Trixie to pause in surprise. Ranma furrowed her brow, and then glanced up at the sky while squinting.

"Fix it? Is the sun broken?" Trixie asked, intrigued.

Swan sighed, and her horn dimmed as she sat down. "Yes, of COURSE it's broken. You see, long ago-"

The scream of a magic arrow came from the forest by the side of the road, and a dart of blazing blue shot out of a bush and sailed toward Ranma's side. It wasn't quite fast enough, however, and Ranma's nerves were on edge already; she bounced up off of her front legs, rearing up just far enough to feel the projectile tickle her belly on its way past.

"Swan Song! Attack the pegasus! Now!" Rite shouted as he emerged in front of the wagon.

"Tch! Calamity! Attack Swan Song! Now!" Trixie shouted in response, jumping down to face the stallion.

Ranma dropped back onto her hooves, glancing back and forth between the unicorns attacking them. "Wait, I'm fighting her? Why do you keep calling me Calamity? Why do we-"

"Flare beam!" Swan shouted, apparently taking no issue with her own orders.

Ranma fell flat onto the ground, cringing while a ray of blazing orange sailed over her head. An explosion came from far behind her, and she focused her attention before jumping back to her hooves.

"A fast one, eh?" Swan asked as smoke poured from her horn. "Well, let's see you dodge-"

Before she could finished the sentence, much less complete her next spell, Ranma had crossed the distance between them and reared back a hoof. Swan screamed as she was slugged in the shoulder and sent skidding across the dirt, and the aura around her horn flickered unsteadily.

"Give it up before I have to get serious!" Ranma growled. "I need you awake and in magic-casting shape when we're done here!"

Why the hell did Trixie give me a fake name? How do I get this dumb horse to change me back if I can't explain who I am?

"Guh!" Swan staggered to her hooves again, her eyes narrowing angrily. "So you have to hold back, do you? TOO BAD! BUTTERFLY EFFECT!"

Her horn flashed, and Ranma tensed as a sudden gust of wind rushed across the road.

After the gust, however, the wind settled. No damage had been done, and yet Swan Song was silently smirking at her.

"... Okay, I don't get it," Ranma mumbled, "what was that supposed to-"

The ground suddenly burst up underneath her, and the earth shot her into the sky on the tip of a huge column of stone. Ranma was fairly shocked by this turn of events, but not so much that she missed her opponent's horn flashing again.

"Volt crash!" Swan shouted, electricity crackling around her head. A second later a lightning sphere was lobbed up into the air at Ranma, appearing to be the same kind of projectile that had initially attacked the wagon.

Ranma spread her wings and then flapped one of them hard, swinging her upside-down and to the side of the electric bomb. She felt her fur stand on end by the sphere's passing and another tingle dance up her back, but Ranma paid the distractions little mind. She spread her wings back to adjust her descent angle, shooting downward like a gray, furry missile.

Swan tried to dodge out of the way when she saw her attack miss, but Ranma's approach was simply too fast. The pegasus slammed into the unicorn, and both ponies were sent rolling painfully across the dirt.

Ranma bounced to her hooves easily, quite experienced with such impacts. Swan skidded to a stop at the base of a tree, curling up and hissing through clenched teeth.

"Now do you give up? I'd really prefer not to beat you up anymore," the pigtailed mare grumbled, "not that you don't have it coming..."

Swan Song grimaced as she staggered to her feet, and her horn started flickering again. "What the... hay... is this?!" she snarled. She considered herself a pretty powerful pony when it came to fighting, but this mare was taking her apart and clearly holding back in the effort.

Time to change strategies! By changing opponents! Let's see how agile you are as a bucking slug! "Try and dodge this, bird-brain! POLYMORPH!"

Ranma was already close enough to easily strike her opponent and disrupt the spell, but upon hearing its name she hesitated.

That's the spell that changes people into other creatures, right? Maybe it'll change me back! Ranma felt the magic engulf her, and her nerves tingled from the increasingly familiar sensation. Or maybe it will change me into something even worse. Aw, whatever, too late now. Might as well give it a chan-

Then Ranma exploded.

While Ranma faced off against the other mare, Trixie sized up the stallion that had ambushed them. Rite didn't cut an especially impressive figure, but Trixie knew that appearances counted for little when it came to magical ability; the most powerful sages could easily be mistaken for hapless civilians, and arcane accessories were hardly any indicator of actual magic skill.

Not that Trixie was compensating for anything with her own outfit, of course.

"So then, Mister Rite, you wish to challenge the Great and Powerful Trixie to a clash of magical skill?" Trixie asked with a smirk. "You-"

About at that point, a spear of flaming energy blasted past the them and shot toward Saddlebrook. Trixie flinched away, almost tripping over her own hooves.

Rite didn't see where it ended up impacting; his eyes were locked on his opponent as the spell exploded far behind him. And in that instant, he saw a moment of genuine shock and terror come from the blue unicorn. She hadn't been prepared to see a spell of that magnitude, and even witnessing a distant miss had seriously unsettled her.

It was gone immediately, and Trixie quickly stood up straighter and re-composed herself, but Rite knew now that the mare he faced was no battle mage or sorceress of any serious power. She was all talk, bluster, and appearance.

But even so...

"If the 'Great and Powerful' Trixie would spare me this battle, it would be much appreciated," Rite said evenly, "I'm just here for the MacGuffin Stone. Nopony has to get hurt."

Trixie snorted angrily. "You have a lot of nerve to say that after trying to blast Trixie to smithereens! Was that lightning bomb supposed to count as a 'warning shot'?" Her horn started to glow.

Rite winced, genuinely embarrassed and lost for words. "... I can't really say much at this point, can I? Still, I don't want to fight. The Stone isn't worth your lives, but I can assure you it's worth risking mine. If you won't give it up, then I WILL take it by force."

"It seems to Trixie you're already doing that! If you won't flee, then Trixie will do away with you!" She completed her spell, and a hissing noise came from her wagon as two firework rockets had their fuses lit.

"I would really like to skip this part; I don't know how long Swan Song will last against that pegasus," Rite mumbled.

The firework rockets blasted away from Trixie's cart, arcing up into the air and then diving straight toward the crimson stallion with a nudge from Trixie's telekinesis. They exploded in colorful swirls of flame, bombarding the sorcerer with jets of bright red, green, and blue.

Alas, the energy was completely wasted, splashing across a pulsing disk of magic. The disk appeared as a wheel of intricate runes assembled around a shimmering white pentagram, and Trixie recoiled in surprise.

"Magic fireworks, eh? Not bad, for an improvised weapon," Rite said, "seriously though: I don't want to hurt you. Give me the gem."

"Then hurry up and flee!" Trixie snapped. She seemed annoyed, but underneath her bravado her mind was racing. She'd never seen a barrier like the one the stallion had used, and was quite put off by how easily and quickly he had set it up. If Rite had any offensive spells as casually impressive as that, then her fight against him could be even more one-sided than Ranma's.

Where IS Ranma, anyway? Didn't he say that he thrashed these mules in an instant the last time he fought them? What's taking him so-

An explosion came from the other side of the wagon, and Trixie had to pin her hat down on her head as a dusty shock wave threatened to bowl her over.

"Of course," Trixie grunted, glancing up at a dark shape spinning through the air high above her, "Trixie doesn't even know what she was expecting."

While Trixie was distracted by her companion's battle, however, Rite had his eyes on his objective. His horn flashed while Trixie stared skyward, and a blade of glimmering light appeared next to him and then darted through the air toward Trixie's neck.

By the time Trixie saw the ghost blade coming for her, it was too late. She flinched back and squeezed her eyes shut as it struck, bracing herself for the pain sure to follow.

"Got it!" Rite cheered. "Swan Song! I have the MacGuffin Stone! We're falling back!"

"Okay! Good! Uh... could you fall back this way, and help me up, please? I... I wasn't really prepared for that explosion..."

Trixie's eyes snapped open, and she looked down at herself in confusion. She was unharmed, but her cape had fallen onto the ground next to her. The gemstone clasp she used to hold it was gone. "... Wait, what?"

Rite raced past her with her gemstone clasp hovering in front of him. Swan was lying against a tree, her eyes spinning and her body extensively battered. "I'm impressed, Miss Song! Kind of. On the one hoof, you clearly didn't realize who you were fighting, but on the other hoof, I'm quite surprised you managed to hold your own!"

"I think we're all pretty surprised right now," Swan Song groaned, "escape, please?"

Without another word, Rite's horn flashed and consumed him and his partner in a flare of white light. The two unicorns vanished.

"...... Wow." Trixie sat back on her haunches, rubbing the side of her head with her hoof. "Trixie did not see that coming."

"Hey! Did they get away?" Ranma raced up to the wagon, a trail of scorched feathers floating along behind her. She stopped and scanned the area, and then her ears flipped down. "Damn it! She got away AGAIN! What IS IT with spells that aren't supposed to blow me up blowing me up?!"

"That is one of a great many questions for which Trixie would like an answer," the magician mumbled as she levitated her cape up above her.

Ranma growled in frustration, and then noticed the cape floating in the air. "Wait, what happened with your fight? Did that Rite guy strip you or something?"

"He stole Trixie's gem clasp," she replied with a frown.

"He... really?" Now Ranma was equally perplexed. "They mistook that for the MacGuffin Stone?"

"It makes some sense. They do look rather similar, and they were obviously in a panic." Then Trixie's eyes narrowed at the pegasus. "Of course, this now means that your running grudge match with them has just cost Trixie an important item. Trixie expects you'll take responsibility."

Ranma recoiled reflexively at the "R" word. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA! You're the one who suddenly took charge of the fight like it had anything to do with you! I was just going to subdue the mare and force her to change me back!"

"Trixie had to take control, or you would have just been carried along at their pace," the unicorn replied with a pitying look, "you may have muscle on your side, but you really have no clue, do you? Aren't you at all interested in WHY a couple of half-way capable sorcerers want an artifact that can reputedly annihilate a planet?"

Ranma glared at her. "Honestly, no. The whole thing where I was turned into a horse kind of put that on a back burner."

"Well, now we know!" Trixie said with a smirk. "They intend to defeat Princess Celestia and take over Equestria!"

"And I don't care about that, so I'd be happy to give them the dumb rock if they change me back into a human and send me back home," Ranma insisted, "on a related note: Calamity? What was that about?"

Trixie hopped back into her wagon, and then pointed a leg toward the harness. "It's your pony name. Do you like it? Trixie think it's quite fitting, considering your cutie mark and the sheer amount of havoc you seem to cause." She blinked in surprise. "Ooh! Havoc! That would be a good name for your stallion form!"

"Okay, NO," Ranma retorted even as she started hooking herself up to the cart again, "first off: Calamity and Havoc? Those are terrible names. You make me sound like some kind of henchman for an evil pony wizard or something."

"Trixie is hardly an evil wizard, and you have a long way to go if you hope to be Trixie's loyal henchpony."

Ranma's eye twitched. "SECOND of all: why do I need a fake pony identity? I'm not trying to hide from those goons! Hell, now I need them to show up again if I'm going to get changed back!" She started pulling the wagon toward the town again as Trixie rolled her eyes.

"Trixie fully expected you to give up an obvious advantage like that, which is why Trixie had to step in. As a magician, Trixie knows better than to enlighten a target that's already been fooled," Trixie said smugly, crossing her forelegs and laying down again.

"Yeah, well, as a former human, my main concern is becoming a former pony, and that isn't helped if the lunatic that did this to me can't recognize me!" Ranma griped as she passed through the official perimeter of the town of Saddlebrook.

"Well, Trixie..." she trailed off and looked off to the side, where a large building was on fire. One side of the structure had been burned clean through, and ponies were rushing about in a panic and carrying buckets of water.

"City hall! The city hall is burning down!"

"What happened? It's like it just lit up out of nowhere!"

"I don't know! There was like this screaming sound and a flash of light, and then everything was aflame!"

"Celestia help us all! What did we do to deserve this?!"

Trixie and Ranma stared for a moment.

"Not our fault," Trixie remarked.

The wagon lurched forward as Ranma started up again. "Of course it isn't. That wasn't even my attack. Dumb evil unicorns need to watch where they're shooting."

"Anyway, as Trixie was saying, what you want to do when facing the unicorns next is totally up to you, because Trixie doesn't plan on being there."

"Right. From here on out we go our separate ways, right?"

"Yes. After you pay Trixie back for her clasp."

Ranma winced. "I can't! You know I don't have any money! And it was those unicorns' fault, anyway!"

"Well, then Trixie advises you extract payment from them after paying Trixie. But Trixie has suffered enough for your shenanigans and demands compensation for her losses," the magician sniffed.

"Oh, get real! If it's my fault that your gem got swiped, wouldn't it also be my fault that the building back there got torched?" Ranma pointed out.

Trixie stopped to consider that. "Huh... good point. Trixie supposes it actually IS your fault that the city hall is burning down."

"What? N-No, it's the opposite. I'm not to blame for either of them! What was I supposed to do, let that fire beam hit me?"

"Well, Trixie doesn't care about the building, so Trixie must admit that's a hard decision. But Trixie DOES care about the gemstone, and has gone out of her way to help you. Are you really going to abandon Trixie so easily now that you've brought your misfortune on Trixie like this?"

Ranma grit her teeth and groaned. She still thought Trixie was being ridiculous, but she HAD taken advantage of Trixie's extremely reluctant kindness, and she HAD failed to protect Trixie and her property from the unicorns when they'd attacked. Besides that, as the only unicorn she knew who had neither tried or succeeded in blowing her up, she really didn't want Trixie mad at her.

"Okay, okay... I'll see what I can do," Ranma grumbled, letting her head sag as she pulled the wagon through town, "So where are you staying now that..." she stopped her question as a pair of pony paramedics ran past, carrying a unicorn on a stretcher.

"Some kind of bomb hit the local inn!"

"It was like a lightning bolt! Every window in the building shattered! Dozens are injured!"

"Are we under attack or something?! Where are the guards?!"

"Oh, the equinity!"

"... That mare really needs to watch her collateral damage," Trixie murmured as Ranma quietly pushed forward again. Emergency workers and pegamedics scurried about all around them, but Ranma made a concerted effort to avoid getting in their way. Or make direct eye contact. "So it looks like Trixie won't be staying in the local inn tonight."

"Sorry," Ranma mumbled.

"Meh. It kind of seemed like a dump, anyway. These rural hotels have no class." Trixie took out one of her canteens with her levitation, and then started heating it with a spell. "Trixie presumes you wish to start your job hunt as a male?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, if I find a job that would be better for a chick then I'm fine changing for it, but-" he was interrupted by a splash of warm water over her head, and his wings vanished as his anatomy shifted about. "... Ah. Thanks."

"You're welcome," Trixie said. She hopped down from her cart and then magically removed the harness from Ranma's back. "Trixie will be seeing to her own affairs from here on out. Trixie needs to re-stock supplies, and it looks like there's still time for Trixie to actually put on a show today before it gets late. As you'll obviously be busy as well, Trixie supposes this is the best point to part ways."

"You mean until I get together enough money to buy you a new clasp?" Ranma asked bitterly.

"Naturally. Trixie will give you some time to come up with the bits, but don't take too long. Trixie doesn't want to be stuck in this backwater forever."

Behind Ranma and Trixie, a law enforcement stallion suddenly stumbled to a halt while staring at Ranma. His eyes went wide, and then he quickly turned around and galloped off.

"All right, fine. I'll check in with you later, I guess," Ranma mumbled as he started to walk off.

"If you must. But don't show up just to hit Trixie up for food and blankets again," the magician warned as she hooked herself up to her cart once more.

Ranma left the blue unicorn in the town square, exploring the town by himself. Aside from the recent magical bombardment and the fact that it was populated by talking horses - a fact that he hadn't QUITE acclimated to completely - it didn't seem like anything special. It was larger than Hoofington or Ponyville, with cobblestone roads and bigger buildings that seemed more standardized in construction. A thriving trade town if he'd ever seen one, although - again - he still found the concept of horses engaging in ordinary human market activity a little bizarre.

As he passed by a restaurant the martial artist ground to a halt. Initially he was looking around for any "Help Wanted" signs, but upon looking over the outdoor seating he spotted something unusual. Or at least, it was unusual to him: a gathering of three creatures who weren't ponies.

Ranma recognized one species as a griffon, having had the questionable fortune of running into their kind recently. Another was a shaggy-haired, big-horned creature; he figured it must have been a yak or some other kind of similar mountain-dwelling beast. Finally, there was a huge, bipedal creature that actually resembled a human... half-way, at least. It had an overly muscular torso and huge arms, but also had a bovine lower torso and a bull's head. All three of them were wearing leather jackets, which seemed strange only because they wore absolutely no other clothing. Unless piercings and chains counted as clothing. Each of them sported a wide assortment of metal rings, studs, spikes, and chains to complete what was obviously supposed to be a punk rocker look. Which was completely unnecessary, as their natural bodies already looked far, far more dangerous than any of the town's residents.

The griffon was seated to face Ranma's general direction, and his eyes narrowed when he caught the pigtailed pony staring. "Hey, what're you looking at? You a fan or something?"

Ranma blinked. "A fan? Of what? Bull-people?"

"Bull-people? Ha! You hear that, Rock Heart?" the griffon laughed and leaned forward, pointing his talons at Ranma. "I don't think the smartflank over here has seen a minotaur before. What a dork!"

Said minotaur turned his head to look, and Ranma continued staring up at the massive horned beast innocently.

"Hmph. Whatever." Rock Heart turned back around. "Stop picking fights with the little people, Razor. We've got a real problem now that the inn is trashed..."

Ranma was reasonably surprised to be dismissed without any incident, and he took the opportunity to turn away and go about his business. Now that he thought about it, he had just been given his first opportunity to try and make some kind of independent living in this bizarre and magical pony world, and he really should have been avoiding any potential trouble that could lead to another rapid retreat from the town.

It certainly had nothing to do with his being involved in the destruction of the inn. No siree. Totally innocent on that one.

Ranma continued exploring the town and local businesses, searching in vain for any signs of available work. Eventually he decided to just ask somebody. An older mare manning a vegetable stand informed him that although she had no need of extra hooves, that he would probably find any job openings posted to a large bulletin board in the middle of town.

It didn't take long to find it. Mounted next to a large stonework fountain under a tall awning were several long boards which were covered with sheets of paper and parchment. There were a few other ponies looking it over, but given that the town was still dealing with the earlier collateral damage most of the townsponies had better things to do.

"Let's see... I should probably just stick to heavy labor for now. Quick money, and I don't need to know anyone," he mumbled as he started at one end of the board and narrowed his eyes, "aaaaaand... I just remembered I can barely read this stupid language. DAMN IT." He groaned and smacked a hoof against his forehead. "If it's not one thing, it's another. Can't I get a lucky break, for once?"

"Halt, villain!" came a shout from behind him.

Ranma's eye twitched. "... Okay, yeah. I guess I was asking for that one."

The pigtailed pony turned around to see who was shouting at him. He was only slightly surprised to find himself mostly surrounded by a half-dozen ponies in chainmail, all bearing weapons and generally having the look of medieval soldiers.

"Hello." Ranma pursed his lips and scratched one foreleg with the other as the guards glared at him. "... Can I help you?"

One of the stallions stepped forward. He jabbed a spear at Ranma, which was held in the crook of his foreleg. Ranma thought it looked just as awkward as ponies wielding swords with their teeth, although at least these soldiers wouldn't get hurt if they were disarmed.

"You! You're the stallion the royal house of Canterlot is looking for! You're under arrest!"

Ranma backed up a step. Shoot, looks like that Hoofington thing caught up with me faster than I thought. Maybe I should have stayed a mare after all...

"Okay, look, this is probably just a case of mistaken identity! You have the wrong stallion!" He smiled nervously. "You're looking for some pony named Ranma, right? My name is Havoc!" He wasn't able to speak the name without wincing. He wished he had taken the time to come up with a better name himself after criticizing Trixie's choices.

"Havoc, huh? As it so happens, we don't have a name for the pony we're looking for. Just a physical description," the lead guard explained, "and you certainly fit the description."

As the guard said that his eyes tracked off to the side, looking at something on the bulletin board. Ranma twisted his head around to see what he was looking at, and then cringed.

He hadn't noticed before, but there was a poster with his picture pinned up on the other end of the board among several other disreputable-looking creatures. Ranma couldn't read the description detailing his crimes, but numbering was the same in Japanese as it was in English: there was a 500 something-or-other bounty on his head, apparently.

"Come on, guys! I'm telling you, I'm innocent!" Ranma insisted with a shaky smile. "I haven't done... uh... whatever you think I did!"

"Even if that were true, with a name like 'Havoc' we should probably take you in anyway," remarked another guard.

Damn it. Thanks a lot, Trixie.

"Not to mention that you apparently answer to 'villain'. Nopony else immediately assumed we were talking to them."

Damn it. Thanks a lot, Pavlov.

The lead guard shifted his stance to take a pair of restraining shackles from his saddle strap. "You're hereby under arrest for assaulting a member of the royal family of Canterlot!"

Damn it. Thanks a lot... wait, WHAT?

"Whoa! Hey! Hold on!" Ranma shouted, suddenly leaning forward. "I'm under arrest for assaulting who?"

"Princess Luna, of the Equestrian diarchy!" the guard snarled. The guards sensed a sudden shift in Ranma's attitude, and they readied their weapons again.

"Who the hell is Princess Luna?" Ranma asked angrily.

The guards' jaws dropped.

"Is that some kind of nickname? I've fought a lot of people since I got here, but I don't remember a Princess Luna." Ranma frowned deeply. "Is Swan Song a Princess? Or that griffon chick? I doubt it, since the griffon was a Mayor. Can you be a Princess and the Mayor of a town?"

The guard in front of him just stared incredulously.

"Wait, there was Twilight Sparkle. I think she was a Princess. Is she Princess Luna? But I didn't fight her! That explosion was her fault! Mostly!"

The guard started advancing again. "You know what? Why don't we put these shackles on you, and then we can sort all this out back at the jail."

Ranma immediately shifted into a combat pose - or as close as he had managed as a pony - and his eyes narrowed. "No way! I didn't assault any Princess Luna! I'm not going with you!"

"Yeah, sure. You've been proclaiming your innocence since we found you."

"But I mean it this time!" Ranma protested.

"Implying that there are other crimes we aren't aware of which you ARE guilty of?"

Ranma's expression didn't change, but a droplet of sweat rolled down the side of his head.

"He DID just admit to attacking a Mayor. And what was that about Princess Sparkle and an explosion?"

"We might have a career rebel on our hooves!"

"Subdue him at once!" Some of the guards drew metal clubs, and they rushed the martial artist.

Ranma was having none of it. He closed with the head guard and pushed the spear down into the street, wedging it underneath a cobblestone. A right hook (or the nearest pony equivalent) to the jaw sent the enforcer staggering to the side, and a lightning-fast back kick sent another stallion crashing into the bulletin board.

The guards with spears tried to jab for his legs so that the ones with clubs could get in close and stun him, but Ranma danced around the stabbing lances or smacked them away with ease. One quick blow to the head was all that each pony required to be sent crashing to the ground, their armor all but useless.

"Wh-What's with this guy? He's too fast!"

"Silver Strike! Stop him! Hurry!"

Only two of the pony guards were unicorns, and the one of them still conscious squeezed his eyes shut as his horn glowed brighter and his lance dropped to the ground.

Ranma ducked under a swipe from a pegasus, and then vaulted up into the air, doing a somersault before slamming his back legs into the flying equine. The impact sent the pegasus to the ground as Ranma bounced off to jump even higher, and the martial artist landed lightly atop the awning mounted atop the bulletin board he had been perusing.

"You guys had enough yet?" the martial artist demanded, glaring down at the three guards left. It was then that he noticed that one of them was aiming its glowing horn in his direction. "No! Wait! Magic won't-"

"You're not getting away, criminal scum! Take this!" the unicorn shouted as he unleashed his magic. The paralysis spell was difficult, and it meant that they'd have to carry the suspect back to the jail along with their fellow guards, but at this point it looked like there was no other way to subdue the pigtailed crook.

Don't explode. Don't explode. Don't explode. Ranma chanted in his head as he felt the magic wash over him. There was a churning sensation in his stomach, and his cheeks started to bulge as he felt the sudden urge to throw up.

"So... is it working?" asked one of the remaining enforcers. "He's supposed to lose all muscle control, right?"

"Give it a minute," the unicorn guard insisted as his horn dimmed, "my special talent can stop ANY pony dead in his-"

"BLAAAARG!" Ranma suddenly vomited a jet of blue mist into the two non-unicorns in a fashion that immediately reminded the ponies of a dragon's breath attack. The similarity was driven home when the mist evaporated; two law enforcement equines were frozen solid, their expressions trapped in contortions of fear and shock, and a thick sheet of ice covered the ground at their hooves.

The unicorn was stunned speechless, and he started quivering in terror as Ranma coughed up literal ice cubes onto the ground below his perch.

"Ugh! Damn it! Now I'm all thirsty!" Ranma complained between coughs. "I told you not to do that! Magic doesn't work right with me!"

"M... M..." the unicorn started backing away, his eyebrow twitching. "MONSTER!! MONSTER PONY!! RUN!!" The guard broke and fled, then immediately slipped on a patch of ice and stumbled into one of his unconscious comrades.

Ranma winced as the stallion scrambled upright again. "Look, I just want it on record that I didn't want to hurt any of you, all right? This is all a complete misunderstanding!" The guard galloped away screaming, which didn't leave the impression that he understood Ranma's point.

About then, with him shouting at distant ponies and standing high above the ground, Ranma finally noticed that the guards weren't the only witnesses to his recent combat. He had confronted the guards in the middle of town, near a public gathering place, and as such there was quite an audience of wide-eyed civilians that were watching the scene in shock.

"Uh... h-hi..." he said awkwardly, glancing left and right at the crowd of ponies. "Um... I don't suppose anyone here is hiring right now?"

This went about as well as he expected.

"It's a monster! Did you see that breath weapon?!"

"It beat up all the guards! Who will save us now?!"

"I bet it destroyed the city hall and the inn, too!"

"Although that accusation is based on purely circumstantial evidence and a growing sense of panic, there's enough of both right now that I'm perfectly willing to embrace it. FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!!"

Ranma's ears flipped down as more and more ponies screamed and galloped away. Mothers flung their children onto their backs and ran, shop owners slammed their front doors shut, and ponies towing wagons broke free of their harnesses and abandoned their cargo in a completely unnecessary dash for safety.

"... Okay, then. I'm, uh... I'm gonna go find some water," Ranma mumbled, dropping down onto the ground. He stopped and glanced back at his wanted poster, and then quickly tore it off with his teeth before slinking away down the road.

Assaulting a member of the royal family, huh? Geez! As if I didn't have enough trouble brewing with all of my completely legitimate fights, now people are just outright framing me for stuff! Shoot. This could ruin everything if I have to be in mare form just to set foot in a town!

He shredded the poster in his mouth and then spat it out into a garbage receptacle. Then he took off again to find a well or fountain.

Well, they didn't seem to have any clue about what I did in Hoofington, though. With any luck, maybe me and Trix got away with that!

"Hey, Speedy!"

Speedy Snaps looked up from her newspaper to see another pegasus mare walking into her office. A pair of scrolls were sticking up out of her saddlebags, and she shifted her wings about to withdraw them.

"Hi, Skies. What have you got for me today?" Speedy pushed aside her current paperwork to clear her desk as the other pony dropped the scrolls in front of her.

"A couple new bounties from a province office. Looks like we have some pony lowlifes stirring up trouble in the sticks." Blue Skies clicked her tongue and shook her head. "Assaulting a public official, breaking and entering, aggravated assault, and even arson."

Speedy quirked an eyebrow. "My, looks like the sleepy rural villages have been getting exciting lately. Let's see, here..."

Speedy Snaps unfurled one of the scrolls part-way with her hooves, but then froze in surprise when she saw the sketch.

"Hold on... this is... no way!"

The other pegasus blinked. "What's wrong?"

"This is him! The pony that attacked Princess Luna!" Speedy cried, opening the scroll entirely.

Blue Skies recoiled. "What? Princess Luna was attacked?!"

"Yes! I think! And this stallion had something to do with it! Probably!" She looked down at the notes on the parchment, listing the pony's specific crimes, relevant observations, and at the bottom... "His name is Ranma? Huh. Exotic."

"Wait, you said this guy attacked a Princess, and we didn't even know his name?"

"Name, motive, exact relationship with the Princess... there's a lot we don't know about him," Speedy admitted. "Hold on, let me get the other poster. The picture is much better than this one." She swiftly turned around and started rummaging through the files next to her.

Unnoticed by the two mares, Speedy's tail brushed the top of her desk when she turned, knocking aside the second scroll that Blue Skies had provided. It rolled off the edge and then tumbled into the wastebasket below.

"Here! Check this out!" Speedy said as she turned and slammed the old poster down next to the new one for a side-by-side comparison.

"...... I like the older poster better," Blue Skies noted, barely restraining a dreamy sigh. The painting that had been used for Ranma's previous wanted poster had him in a dynamic, heroic pose, and an almost tangible sense of passion and adoration was present in the image. The sketch from the province, by comparison, was dry and crude, and looked like a bog-standard mug shot.

"He's a looker, all right," Speedy Snaps whistled through her teeth, "as well as a conspirator against the throne and, apparently, an arsonist." Her gaze hardened. "I wonder if this new crime spree is part of some wider rebellion against the royal family?"

"You think Ranma is attacking villages to try to undermine Canterlot's authority?"

"Possibly," Speedy mumbled, "or perhaps he's trying to lure a Princess to intervene directly. He apparently missed his first chance to take one down, but he could be gunning for another shot at assassination."

The mares frowned silently at the pigtailed stallion on the wanted poster.

"Well, whatever. Not our job."

"I'm sure he'll be brought to justice and everything will work out."

Speedy nodded as Blue stepped back. "I'll transfer this information onto the old poster image and update the poster information. A bounty of 10,000 bits should get some decent hunters on his trail."

"Thanks, Speedy! Later!" Blue Skies saluted and then trotted out the door, only slightly disturbed by the persisting sense that she had forgotten something.

Rite heaved a deep sigh as he walked into the main library of his tower with Swan Song laid over his back. He stopped in front of a couch, and then levitated the mare off of him, rolling her onto the plush cushion.

Swan groaned, feeling waves of pain roll through her body.

"I'll go get you a potion to accelerate your healing. Just lay down and rest," Rite mumbled. He walked over to a locked cabinet and then unlocked it, revealing a collection of colored flasks.

"Uuuungh... I liked it better when you were the one who came back from these missions all beaten up," the mare moaned.

"Yes, this is quite the reversal over our previous encounters with our simian friend, isn't it?" Rite asked as he levitated a red bottle behind him. "But really, it's about time that you suffered the consequences for your mistakes rather than me."

He magically uncorked the flask while glaring down at his assistant. "You disobeyed my orders, threw our entire ambush plan out the window, and rushed into a fight without any idea what you were dealing with. A sound thrashing is the least you deserved for such a lack of sense."

"Wait... say that again?"

"You disobeyed my-"

"No, the part before that." Swan turned over onto her belly, looking perplexed. "What does this have to do with the mutant ape? He wasn't there."

"Yes, he was," Rite drawled, "or she was, I guess. Because I guess the monkey's a female pegasus now."

"......" Swan gave him the same blank stare that usually followed his explanations of extra-temporal mana convergence. "I don't follow."

"It really amazes me how you can be so casually intelligent in some ways and still so dense," Rite snapped, dropping the potion next to her, "that gray pony was our target. She had the same bizarre manestyle, the same fur color, and the same cutie mark."

Swan Song kept staring at the stallion. "But... she was a mare... and-"

"A pegasus, yes, and she had a red mane. Rather than an earth pony stallion with a black mane. All of which are, in sum, less severe changes than the one you already saddled him with by turning him equine in the first place." Rite snorted. "Once I noticed that she was capable of fighting you, I was certain. Somehow our ape has undergone another shape-change."

"But... But that's awful!" Swan's face was ashen, her eyes wide with horror.

"Yes, I know. If you hadn't blown our cover so easily we might still have-"

"His plumbing is all backwards now! He'll never make love as a stallion again!" Swan wailed, almost brought to tears. "And I'm not curious enough to investigate the other methods! I'm not even into mares!"

Rite's eyebrow twitched. "Swan Song, drink your potion."

She miserably levitated the bottle up, and then squeezed her eyes shut.

"Your entirely misplaced despair brings me to our next issue." Rite levitated his bag onto a desk, and then pulled out the gem he had stolen from Trixie. "Despite your bungling, we have recovered the MacGuffin Stone and successfully evaded capture. Even though TO DO THAT I had to use a much longer skip-teleport path rather than using the escape route I had set up earlier. It was a near thing, but I succeeded where you failed."

Swan Song grimaced as she swallowed the concoction. "I didn't fail! I won!"

"Putting aside that blasting the ape wasn't our objective, it took apart a young dragonspawn in melee combat, in an enclosed space, and in the dark. I didn't get a good look at her after you sent her flying, but it's entirely likely that she weathered the explosion much better than you did." Rite cleared his throat. "But anyway, I think we've finally reached the point where your rash decisions and infrequent incompetence have become a severe hindrance to my plans. Swan Song, you're fired."

A cracking noise rang through the library as Swan dropped the empty flask. Her jaw fell open, and her eyes went wide.

"Wh-What? I'm... what?"

"Fired," Rite repeated, "released. Terminated. Separated. Let go. Dropped. Sacked. Purged. Laid off. Downsized. Redundant. Removed from my control, command, and responsibility. Your internship has concluded, and I have deemed you ineffective at performing the tasks for which you were hired. You have until tonight to gather your things and leave my tower."

"B-But! You can't!"

Rite quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? Why not?"

Swan Song's eyes turned big and watery as she started to cry. "I need this internship! You just can't fire me! I have nowhere to go! I can't even go back to my family after I dropped out of Celestia's Dumb School for Prissy Weaklings!"

"That is a problem of your making, not mine," Rite retorted.

"I can't launch my own career yet! None of the evil magic organizations I looked into are willing to hire a battle sorceress with as little combat and conquest experience as I have!"

"That is also not my problem, and also really weird."

"You're the only one offering internships in evil magic with a salary! The other ones are unpaid! I'd need to take a second job! I can't do that! I have hobbies!"

Rite's eyebrow twitched again. "This arrangement was never to train you in 'evil magic', which brings us to our other conflict of interest: I am not on an evil quest, and as such, your position with me was never quite right. I can't really offer you the experience you're looking for in the first place."

"Oh, don't give me that!" Swan shouted, her sorrow briefly converting into angry scorn. "You're trying to tear down the Equestrian royal family and take control of the bucking SUN away from the million-year-old epitome of harmony and love that rules the nation! How is that NOT evil?!"

"My reasons are perfectly just!" Rite snapped back, his eyes narrowing. "You know what happened to me! And if nothing is done, another generation of ponies will have to deal with these cruel, absurd shackles known as 'destiny'!" He calmed down again. "Benevolent as she is, Celestia is still part of a stagnant, oppressive order. So long as things remain as they are, equinekind will never reach its full potential, and hapless, innocent ponies will be condemned to mediocre or terrible fates as dictated by their asinine 'special talents'. Our fellow equines are so dazzled and stunted by their simple little lives and the power of our diarchs that they cannot imagine a better future without them. So I will show them one."

"That is a perfectly reasonable pretext to brutally conquering a nation, but you're still brutally conquering a nation!" Swan shouted through her crying. "And I want to be a part of that! PLEASE!! Let me stay!" Swan was now fighting to speak through her sobs, and Rite was honestly a little moved. He didn't expect her to be THIS broken up about her being fired; it wasn't as if he was going to kill her or remove her memories to cover his tracks.

"Swan Song, this just isn't going to work," Rite protested, "I don't believe this arrangement is beneficial for either of us."

"Yes, it is!" Swan Song protested. "I NEED this position! And I really want it, too! Not just for the pay and experience, which are great, but I really, honestly like your quest for vengeance and the enlightenment of the equine race! And I have SO much respect and admiration for you personally!"

"That last part comes as a surprise to me," Rite remarked dryly.

"I'm sorry I've been flaky! I promise I won't let my regretfully uneventful sex life interfere with our evil plans anymore!" She started kowtowing on the spot, and Rite had to back away quickly to avoid her horn slashing up and down. "And I can still be super useful! You still need me!"

"That would my area of main concern," the stallion mumbled, "I'm not sure that's true."

"For example, you clearly haven't yet realized that the gem right there is totally NOT the MacGuffin Stone!" Swan shouted, pointing a hoof at the object in question.

Rite blinked repeatedly. "What? Of course it..." he hesitated, and then looked over at the gemstone as his brow furrowed. He sensed a magical energy radiating from it, and it LOOKED like the MacGuffin Stone, but neither quality was horribly rare in gems across Equestria. With a deep, concerned frown, Rite closed his eyes and focused his thoughts on his coveted artifact.

A light shone in his mind's eye. Behind him. In the general direction of Saddlebrook. The town they had just left.

"See? Earlier while we were escaping I was thinking 'well, I took a beating but at least we got the MacGuffin Stone in the end', and I had my eyes closed, and then I saw that the MacGuffin sense led back to town!" Swan explained.

Rite opened his eyes and stared at her, his expression completely inscrutable.

"... I, uh, didn't say anything at the time because I was afraid you might drop me and go back for it," she admitted, her ears flipping down. "... Sorry."

Rite sucked in a deep breath.

Trixie flinched and briefly pulled her hat down further over her ears. "Who's that screaming? By Celestia, I think it's bleeding through the dimensional veil!"

Several other ponies ducked and covered their ears, cringing against the soulful wail full of anguish and regret. Mothers pushed their children to the ground to protect them, and the few unicorns nearby clenched their teeth as their horns seemed to amplify the noise in their brains and impart some small sliver of the origin's pain.

"What's going on? Is it another attack?"

"My horn! My freaking horn! It hurts!"

"What is WITH today?!"

After a few seconds the ghastly howl faded, and Trixie slowly stood up again. She glanced left and right, but could see no obvious source of the disturbance. There was also no apparent damage, other than the ponies crowded in front of her being emotionally rattled.

"Ahem! Well, that was odd, but it seems that the disturbance has passed without any lasting harm! The show must go on!" Trixie said firmly, casting away her doubts and lighting up her horn under her hat.

She was standing on a raised concrete platform in the middle of a park plaza which was set on the edge of town. Large purple curtains had been set up around a crudely painted wooden backdrop, which was frankly the closest thing to a stage setup that Trixie could fit into her travel wagon. Several puppets floated in the air before the magician, suspended by strings which were in turn manipulated by the pink aura of Trixie's magic. She had managed to attract a fair-sized crowd with her puppet show, although there were more colts and fillies than she usually catered too. Which was fine; entertaining young ponies was the bread and butter of a stage magician, and parents tended to be more generous with their bits when their children were happy.

Trixie's only real concern was that the suddenly disaster-stricken town of Saddlebrook might enter some kind of panicked lockdown, what with dangerous magic tearing buildings apart at random and mysterious voices screaming at them. She imagined she could have gotten a much bigger audience if so many ponies weren't rushing to get their families behind locked doors.

"As Trixie was saying: the evil griffon Princess Silver Falcon had captured Trixie with her treachery, dragging Trixie to her crime lair and restraining Trixie with her army of hired pony thugs! Her son, Capatan, whom Trixie had bested and injured earlier, cackled with malicious glee to see the proud and beautiful sorceress brought to heel before him! Some names may have been changed to protect the innocent. The innocent being Trixie. Although Trixie's name is the same. Anyway."

The two griffon puppets danced around each other in glee, while a small wooden Trixie puppet was pinned by a trio of stallions.

"How dare you, Falcon?! Trixie was only defending herself from your goons, as is her just and lawful right!" Trixie's puppet clapped its wedge-shaped jaw open and closed as Trixie spoke out of the corner of her mouth.

"Hoooohohohohoho!" The female griffon puppet placed a paw to its cheek while Trixie mimicked a classic noblewoman's laugh. "You think your silly laws mean anything to me? You'll pay for your defiance for the rest of your life! You'll make a pretty little slave, with your entrancing looks and amazing skills! Maybe I'll have you entertain the mongrels that steal for me!"

"You won't get away with this!" Trixie puppet declared.

"Oh? And who is going to stop me?" Silver puppet taunted.

Trixie made a respectable window-shattering noise as a Ranma puppet - in stallion form - suddenly burst onto the scene in a shower of magical blue sparks.

"Trix! It is I, Havoc, your incredibly strong but thickheaded traveling companion! I've found you!" Ranma puppet shouted, rearing up onto its hind legs. "Don't worry! I'll save you!"

"Trixie isn't holding her breath," the Trixie puppet mumbled.

The Silver puppet danced in rage. "You insolent worm! How dare you intrude upon my property! Although, since my legitimacy as a public official is questionable, surely my claim to private property legally protected from intrusion is up for debate as well!"

"I don't know or care about that!" Ranma pony shouted defiantly, flailing a hoof at the griffon. "I'm here to rescue the Great and Powerful Trixie, who took pity on me and shared her food like the true saint she is! Give up now or I'll beat you all to a pulp!"

The griffon puppet turned to look back at Trixie puppet, and then flipped around again to face Ranma puppet once more. "How about no." All the puppets for the evil characters immediately surrounded Trixie puppet, weapons raised.

"Oh, wow. I'm kind of a dope for not expecting this," Ranma puppet admitted, "being the strongest pony ever doesn't really help if I just get the pony I'm trying to save killed. Heh. Oops!"

As the audience laughed at the show - having gotten over their earlier shock, it seemed - another equine trudged up to the park to see what the commotion was about.

Ranma was in pegasus form again, her mane and fur still damp from swiping a bucket full of water and splashing herself away from prying eyes. She was feeling somewhat depressed after learning that she'd acquired a criminal record, and was even more so once she considered that she'd added to it (and somewhat legitimized it) by fighting off the town's guards. Ranma had no clue how easily word spread around the disconnected, sparsely populated towns out in the Equestrian woodlands, but it seemed that she'd have to stick to her mare form around public spaces from now on. It was completely unfair, but she had to admit that it was at least convenient that she had a ready-made magical disguise. Given that ponies apparently preferred to walk around naked, an outfit to hide his identity might attract more attention than it averted, and thanks to the stupid mark on his butt he probably couldn't get away with anything as simple as changing his hairstyle and fur color.

Besides all the totally unwarranted oppression by the local government - which was apparently unable to keep bandits and sorcerers from assaulting ponies traveling its roads but had ample resources to hassle HER - Ranma was also still unemployed. She still couldn't read any job postings even if she wanted to risk going back to the bulletin board, and her usual short-term job of choice as a female, waitressing, was probably impossible. Such a job often involved handling or being around hot water, and avoiding that was now a matter of personal safety as well as prudence.

"This planet sucks," she hissed under her breath, collapsing onto her rear behind a pair of giggling fillies, "this country sucks. This species sucks."

After spending a moment brooding and staring at the ground, another wave of laughter came from the ponies around her. Ranma looked up. Trixie was grinning as her puppet ruthlessly kicked at a flailing griffon puppet.

"This is what you get for foalnapping and threatening Trixie, bird-brain!"

"Oh! Please, Great and Powerful one! Spare us!" cried the smaller of the two griffon puppets. "We have a troubled backstory that exposes the cruelty of society and makes us look like victims overcoming the odds stacked against us!"

"So does Trixie! You can sum it up as 'this stupid griffon captured and threatened Trixie, so Trixie broke free and thrashed her'!" A spark of bright blue light appeared atop Trixie puppet's horn, and then the two puppet griffons were blasted away in a burst of rainbow-colored light.

The audience laughed, and Ranma felt her lips twitch into a smirk herself as she watched the griffon puppets bounce across the makeshift stage and onto the ground. "Well... I guess ponies aren't ALL bad."

Trixie's puppet did a pirouette, and then bowed to the audience. The Ranma puppet stood behind her, rubbing the back of its head with a leg. "And that, folks, is the tale of the Great and Powerful Trixie's amazing and legally permissible victory over a griffon crime lord! Come, Trixie's useless sidekick! Take a bow!"

The Ranma puppet stumbled up next to the front of the stage, looking bashful, and then tripped on its own legs to smash its face into the stage.

A vein popped up on Ranma's head as the crowd laughed louder. "... Well, whatever. It's just a show."

"Hey, there's already somepony here," grumbled a voice behind her.

"Yeah, sure. We'll send her packing," snorted another.

Ranma glanced back over her shoulder. "Hmm?"

"Trixie would like to remind the audience that although the story Trixie just shared is one-hundred-percent true and accurate, it may bear a striking resemblance to similar recent events of more dubious legal justification! These similarities are entirely coincidental, but just in case, Trixie would appreciate your not sharing this story with the local guards!" Trixie got a few odd stares from the adult ponies in the audience, but was undaunted. A young colt raised a hoof into the air, and she pointed her foreleg at him. "Yes? You have a question for the Great and Powerful Trixie?"

"Is your sidekick really named Havoc?" asked the colt. "Are you sure he isn't a bad guy? That sounds like some evil wizard's henchpony or something."

"As Trixie said, some individuals' names have been changed for various reasons Trixie won't get into," the magician assured him, "also, no, Trixie isn't completely sure he isn't a bad guy. But the Great and Powerful Trixie is kind and benevolent and also doesn't really care, so Trixie will forgive any of his past misdeeds. Any other questions?"

Another filly raised her hoof, her eyes shining. "It was so cool the way you worked together to beat Silver Falcon! Are you and Havoc special someponies?"

Trixie bellowed with laughter, almost stumbling off her hooves. "HA HA HA HA! Is.. Is Trixie...? HA! Oh Celestia, you're serious! HA HA HAH!" She wiped the tears from her eyes as the filly's ears drooped. "Ha ha ha... haaaa. Phew! No." Heaving a tired sigh at having laughed so hard, Trixie looked around for any other ponies with their legs raised.

"Hey, I've got a question!" barked a voice near the back. "When does this snoozefest END?"

The mood dipped instantly at the belligerent shout, and the crowd turned to see who was yelling. A minotaur and griffon in leather jackets stood at the back with their arms crossed, glaring at the magician with angry sneers. A similarly clothed yak was behind them, hitched up to a wagon that had several instruments and speakers sitting in it.

Upon seeing the larger and rather scary-looking creatures, the crowd of ponies quickly parted to give them a clear path to the stage. Many of the equines simply gathered up their families or companions and left, and Trixie felt her anger rise as she saw her audience break apart and start to slink off. She hadn't even had the opportunity to pass around a donation tin, yet!

"If you're looking for the local hospital, Trixie can't help you. Trixie happens to be new in town," the unicorn said with a glare. As expected, they looked confused at the statement. "Trixie assumes that's what you're looking for, seeing as you were clearly mauled by a Trot Topic recently."

A few quickly stifled chuckles came from the ponies still around. The yak's stony, generally disgruntled expression was pretty hard to judge, but the minotaur and griffon looked appropriately offended by the comment.

"Mare, you better dial down the ATTITUDE," snapped the griffon as he shot up into the air and then hovered over Trixie, "do you know who we are?"

Trixie was undaunted, as usual. "Trixie would guess that you're cast-offs from a local circus, but Trixie doesn't want to be offensive to carnies and circus freaks by associating you with them," she spat.

The griffon balled his claws into fists and sputtered incoherently, but then the minotaur shouted at him. "Hey! Razor! Chill!" The massive bovine walked up to the stage, staring Trixie straight in the eyes. Even given that the unicorn was standing on a raised platform, she still had to crane her head upward once he got within arm's reach.

"You got a lot of nerve, pony. And I can respect that. But we're going to need you to trot off." He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder as the griffon landed next to him.

"Excuse Trixie? Why should Trixie leave? Who are you weirdoes, anyway?" Trixie demanded.

The minotaur jabbed a thumb into his chest. "My name is Rock Heart. This here is Razor. The scruffy guy back there is Yakkity. We're the members of Tears of Discord, the most intense and relevant alternative metal band in the Western Territories!"

"Right. Because Trixie is sure there's a lot of competition for that," the unicorn drawled, "also, 'Tears of Discord'? Trixie knows that the names of music bands are SUPPOSED to sound ridiculous, but there are limits to how much stupid you can fit on a single advertising poster."

Razor was trembling in fury, obviously struggling to contain himself against the constant barrage of insults. Rock Heart seemed to take her scorn in stride, however.

"It's a reference to the ancient tyrant Discord's shift from universally reviled villain to a rural sideshow after being 'reformed'," Rock Heart explained, making air quotes at the last word, "a statement of loss and turmoil for a being coerced into fighting its own nature. It's deep!"

"Trixie can see why there aren't more minotaur poets," she quipped, "anyway, getting back to your actual request: no. Trixie happens to be putting on her own show, and sees no reason to cut it short for you. Trixie would probably be doing the citizens of Saddlebrook a favor."

Rock Heart again snapped a glare over to Razor, who looked like he was about to pounce. "Yeah, that's not gonna fly. Allow me to explain." The minotaur pointed over to the inn, which was visible thanks to be being two stories taller than the next-tallest building. "We were originally supposed to play in the inn, but then some kind of lightning bomb hit it. Blasted out all the windows and totally shorted out the electrical system. So now we can't play there."

"When do you get to the part of this that's Trixie's problem?" Trixie demanded.

"Right now." Rock Heart pointed at the yak waiting silently behind him. "Our saxophone player gets REALLY upset when things don't work out just right, see? We had a hard time cooling him down by coming up with another decent venue for our concert. But if we have to start late because some two-bit magician was hogging the stage? Well... that could push him over the edge."

"YAKKITY HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES!" the yak bellowed. Those ponies in the audience that still remained quickly moved to leave, although it was more because of the excessive volume than fear of harm. "YAKKITY CHANNEL INNER STRIFE INTO MUSIC! WHEN YAKKITY CANNOT DO THAT, YAKKITY USUALLY CHANNEL INNER STRIFE INTO PONY FACES INSTEAD!"

Trixie looked perturbed at this. "... Your metal band has a saxophone?"

"ALTERNATIVE metal band," Razor snapped.

"That doesn't mean you can just play whatever kind of music you want, you know," Trixie said.

"PONY NO CRITICIZE YAKKITY'S ART! YAKKITY FEEL RAGE BUILDING WITHOUT EXPRESSIVE OUTLET!" The shaggy-haired musician started trembling, and he began grinding his teeth.

"You heard him, mare. Between tossing you out of here and restraining a furious yak, kicking you out is the lesser hassle." Trixie started backing up, scowling. "This town has been through enough today, you know? Now beat it." The minotaur started to climb up onto the concrete platform, but then recoiled as a grayish blur skidded to a stop in front of him and pressed a hoof flat against his chest.

Rock Heart blinked in surprise. There was a pegasus mare on the stage between him and Trixie, holding him back with a single leg. He wasn't putting any real force into advancing, so he couldn't get a measure of the mare's strength, but the idea that it had even occurred to her to try to physically stop him was absurd.

"All right Mister Heart, why don't you settle down?" Ranma asked. "The lady was here first. You're just going to have to wait for the show to end, or leave."

Rock Heart stared down at the pegasus incredulously. "Who the Tartarus are YOU supposed to be?"

"You could say I handle security for Miss Trixie here." Ranma stretched a wing behind herself to gesture to Trixie, who seemed almost as surprised to see her as the musicians. "You seem like a reasonable bull-person, Mister Heart, so I trust we can resolve this situation like reasonable talking animals. There's no need for violence."

Rock Heart's expression changed from disbelieving to disinterested. "It isn't 'violence' to pick up a pony and drop them off someplace else, is it?" He reached down for the pegasus.

Ranma swatted his hand away with a hoof, and the minotaur recoiled when he actually registered a jolt of pain from his arm.

"If you try to remove us by force, there will be violence involved, believe me," Ranma said blithely, "now, if your hairy buddy back there is causing a problem, then I recommend you deal with him. Otherwise you're going to have TWO problems."

Trixie, suddenly sensing that she was no longer the center of attention, interjected. "Thank you Calamity, but there's no need to dirty your hooves dealing with these cretins." She sniffed and spoke to Rock Heart directly. "You and your little 'band' are causing a disturbance and threatening an innocent mare in the most public place in town! Look around!"

The minotaur and griffon did so, noting that the plaza was now almost completely abandoned. Trixie's audience had completely dispersed, and the only ponies watching did so from a distance as they walked through the streets.

"You think that none of the ponies you drove off didn't report this?" Trixie smirked. "You're going to have guards crawling all over this place soon! If you leave now, then Trixie will forgive you for driving away her audience before Trixie could collect any money, but otherwise you'll be putting on your concert for the town jail."

"Y-Yeah," Ranma stuttered, a droplet of sweat rolling down her head, "the guards will take care of you... uh... when they get here." She fought the urge to sigh miserably. Why does every single thing I do come back to bite me in the ass?

"Like it's our fault you don't charge admission up-front!" Razor scoffed. "As it happens, OUR fans did already pay for tickets! And if we can't put on a show, then we have to refund their money!"

"How symmetrical, then. Trixie's funding scheme isn't your fault, and your scheme isn't Trixie's. What IS your fault is that you're still here!" She whipped her head back and forth. "Where the hay are the guards? Trixie's sure that the barracks is right down the street!"

More droplets of sweat rolled down Ranma's head. "Look, guys: no matter what you do, this isn't going to end well for you. So why don't you just-"

"YAKKITY HAS EXCEEDED TOLERANCE FOR SENSIBLE, RATIONAL DISCOURSE!!" Yakkity suddenly screamed, almost knocking his other band members over with an infuriated bellow. "YAKKITY SMASH!!"

The saxophone player bucked the wagon he was towing, shattering the harness on his neck. He stamped his hooves and bellowed into the air, no doubt informing anyone in the town not already aware that there was a conflict taking place.

"Aw, screw it! We'll teach you to mess with us!" Razor screeched, jumping up into the air and then diving straight for Trixie.

To his shock, the pegasus pony reacted just as fast. Ranma jumped and rolled through the air before lashing out with a single kick, striking Razor's wing hard. The griffon tilted badly to one side while in mid-dive, and then crashed onto the concrete platform just out of arm's reach of Trixie.

"Oh, what the hay is this?!" the magician growled as the griffon skidded past her. Her horn flashed, and a length of rope keeping one of the curtains in place snaked down to bind him. "Why aren't the guards coming? Did not ONE of those ponies tell them about this?!"

Rock Heart leapt onto the stage and made as if to swing at the unicorn, but suddenly had Ranma in front of him again.

"The guards might be unconscious!" Ranma explained. Rock threw a punch at her, and she kicked out with a foreleg, stopping the minotaur's fist dead. He was understandably shocked, and took a moment to gape at her.

"What do you mean 'might be unconscious'? Why would they be sleeping? It's the middle of the day!"

"I mean that somebody might have knocked them out by force!" Rock Heart swung at her again, and she again met his fist with her hoof. "I'm sure whoever it was had a perfectly good reason!"

"YOU KNOCKED OUT THE GUARDS?! ALL OF THEM?!"

"I didn't say it was me!" Ranma ducked under the next swing, and then saw that the yak had finally rampaged his way free of his harness and had jumped onto the stage as well.

"Who else would have done it?!"

"Can we save this conversation for later?" Ranma growled. Rock Heart backed away as Yakkity charged, clearing a path for the shaggy musician to trample the martial artist.

Ranma jumped, landing on Yakkity's back as he tore across the length of the stage area and back into the plaza proper.

"PONY GET OFF RIGHT NOW! THIS BEHAVIOR DEMEANING TO YAKKITY'S PEOPLE!!" the yak roared, his charge path starting to veer from side to side.

"I honestly don't think I can make you look any dumber than you already have," Ranma quipped, "but I do love a challenge!"

Bracing her hooves against Yakkity's horns, she tilted his head sharply to the right. Yakkity immediately veered in that direction, either oblivious that he was being steered into a light post or helpless to stop in time.

Ranma did a backflip off the yak just before he collided, flapping her wings gently to land lightly on the ground. Yakkity struck the light pole at full speed, nearly ripping the heavy bolts out of the ground and folding the metal post sharply at the point of collision.

"Th-This not... yak pole..." Yakkity mumbled as his knees buckled. "Yak poles... much stronger... than pony poles... this concussion... puny... unggh..." he slumped to the ground, unconscious.

Ranma stared for a moment, and then her eyes widened. "Oh. OH! I get it, now! Yakkity! And you're a saxophone player! HAH!" She shook her head, chuckling. "Man, all these animals' names are silly. Wow..."

Trixie, meanwhile, was facing down the minotaur during Ranma's absence. Or rather, facing up the minotaur, since she was barely as big as one of his forearms.

"Toro! Toro!" Trixie shouted, levitating her cape next to her and waving it in the air.

Rock Heart turned away from the sight of Yakkity's twitching body and glared. "That's incredibly offensive, you know. And ineffective. I'm not going to charge your stupid cloth."

"Then you can just stand there until Calamity gets back to rearrange your facial piercings. Trixie is fine with either course of action, really."

The minotaur snorted angrily and leapt forward, rearing back a massive fist and punching directly at the magician's head. Normally he would have restrained himself while fighting a mare a fraction of his size, but he was already entirely enraged and confused by the other mare proving to be a physical match for him.

As it so happened, it didn't matter. When his fist touched the smirking muzzle of the blue pony, Trixie's image shattered into motes of light and he found his arm wrapped in the purple, star-patterned cloth of Trixie's cloak.

"Behold, the Great and Powerful Trixie's magic mirrors!" Trixie shouted as she jumped out from behind one of the suspended curtains. "An essential component of any illusionist's act!"

Rock growled and turned around. Trixie's haughty expression faltered when she realized that he wasn't facing the image of her that had just revealed itself.

"Behold Rock Heart's EARS, which can still hear you, moron!" he began stomping directly toward the magician while still clutching Trixie's cape in his hand.

"Given that you claim to play heavy metal, Trixie feels like that oversight is justified," she mumbled. Her horn flashed again. "Time for plan B!"

Her cape suddenly twisted about in Rock's hand, stretching down and wrapping around his legs. The minotaur staggered, but managed to stay upright.

"Bah! You're just wasting my time!" he roared, grabbing the cloth with his other hand and ripping the cape apart. He threw the shredded scraps of cloth to the side and snorted angrily.

"Well, yes. That's plan B," Trixie explained, "distract you until Calamity gets her act together and takes you out."

Rock Heart halted, and then felt a hoof gently prodding the back of his leg.

He whirled around with his fist already swinging, curving low to strike at pony head level. Ranma jumped over the attack, and her body spun in the air for a second before she lashed out with a back kick. Rock's head snapped painfully to the side, and he stumbled.

Ranma clamped her back legs tight around the minotaur's neck, and then spread her wings. With a powerful flap and a mid-air backflip, she threw the guitarist off the stage and sent him skidding across the plaza. Rock Heart slammed into his band's equipment cart, and then groaned pitifully before he passed out completely.

"Hmm..." Ranma landed from her maneuver, and then twisted her head to look behind her at the minotaur. "Rock Heart... Oh, I get it! Like, 'Heart of Rock'! As in, music! I kind of like that one." Then he turned back around. "And what was the cat-freak's name? Razor? That one's not as clever."

The griffon on the ground struggled and squirmed against his bonds, glaring over at the pegasus. "It suits me, though! Let me show you WHY!"

Razor finally managed to get the leverage necessary to run his talons across the rope binding him, and they came apart with ease. Trixie's horn flashed as the rope went slack, but Razor already had his wings spread and was bolting toward her with one arm slashing toward her neck, and his natural speed far exceeded any possible defense she could offer.

Razor saw a gray blur, and then a hoof materialized in front of his eyes. Then everything went dark for a while.

Trixie jerked backward at the sound of a cracking impact, almost tripping over her own legs. She hadn't been able to track the events of the last 0.7 seconds with her eyes, but Ranma was now standing in front of her, rearing up and spreading her wings, and she looked far more angry and serious than Trixie had ever seen the stallion-turned-mare.

Razor was also sliding down the side of one of the trees in the plaza, so that explained what happened to him. All three of the musicians were finally unconscious.

"... Sorry about that," Ranma mumbled before she dropped down onto all fours, "almost let that guy get to you. Damn cat-freaks are pretty fast."

Trixie coughed to calm her shaken nerves. "Th-That's fine. Apology accepted." Then she looked around the deserted plaza and sighed. "Well, it looks like this was a wash after all. Blast!" Her ears slumped and she started levitating the pieces of her stage to put them away. "At least Trixie managed to sell that slumber ring, but still."

Ranma immediately moved to help, tipping over a metal post and then catching it on her back. Then she wing-tossed it into the wagon parked next to the stage platform. "Well, we don't really have to leave town because of this, right? You were clearly defending yourself. They're the ones who started it."

"Trixie doesn't want to be known around town for having clobbered a bunch of uppity musicians, much less get wrapped up in any legal problems that come from fighting them." She magically folded up the backdrop from her stage and floated it into the wagon, and then turned narrowed eyes on Ranma. "Besides, don't you have some legal troubles of your own that you should be worrying about?"

"Nah. They're only looking for my stallion form," Ranma said while shuffling puppets into a burlap bag.

"Trixie still has a problem with the prospect of you attacking the town's protectors," Trixie insisted.

"I didn't! They attacked me!" Ranma complained. "And not for any of the questionable things I've actually done, either! They just made up some stupid charges about me assaulting a Princess!" He glanced over to the unicorn. "Is it possible that Swan Song or that griffon lady were Princesses? Because otherwise I have no idea what they're talking about."

Trixie blinked in surprise. "No, they're not. Princesses are pretty rare, and Trixie's sure you'd know if you were fighting one." Then she grimaced and sat down. "This is going to make things difficult, though. If you were framed, that means that you may have more enemies than we previously realized, or the enemies you've made have a surprising level of political power. Attacking an Equestrian Princess is a serious crime, and one that's rather easily proven false unless the Princess herself is in on it. You'll need to move and act with a lot more discretion when we reach the next town."

Trixie looked over to Ranma, and was somewhat surprised to see the pegasus looking at her with an almost tearful expression.

"You mean... you... you believe me?" Ranma asked. Although Trixie hadn't questioned her story before when she explained her origin, Ranma was still surprised. After all, now she wasn't just spouting a ridiculous story with no evidence; she was setting her word against Trixie's government and its peace enforcers.

"Of course Trixie believes you. There isn't much point in you making this up. You surely know better than to try to beg sympathy from the Great and Powerful Trixie by now." She pressed a hoof to her chest. "Also, Trixie happens to know a thing or two about bluffing. And you, Mister Space Ape, couldn't bluff your way out of a wet paper bag. You're obviously telling the truth."

"And... And you're going to help me?" Ranma asked, nearly overcome with emotion.

At this question, however, Trixie hesitated. Now that she thought about it, tying herself to Ranma's side wasn't exactly in her best interests. The displaced, cursed alien was a severe drain on her resources, and she had been in more dangerous situations in the few days since she met her than she had ever found herself in over the course of a year on her own. She'd also noticed a disturbing tendency for Ranma's actions to frequently come back to trouble her, regardless of whether those actions were moral, rational, or even a real decision on her part. Now that she had an actual criminal record - legitimate or not - and Equestrian law enforcers - incompetent or not - on her tail, the case was stronger than ever for Trixie to ditch the vagrant and leave her in the hooves of fate.

But as she considered the prospect, she found herself conjuring a few particular memories in her head.

A beaten griffon bandit lying in the road.

Ranma jumping through the window of Sylvia's mansion to rescue her.

Ranma tugging the wagon out of the path of a volt crash.

Ranma standing in front of her, wings spread protectively as another griffon went sailing through the air.

Trixie's shoulders slumped. "Yes, Trixie will help you," she mumbled reluctantly.

Ranma sniffled, and then quickly turned away. "Thank you! Just... h-hold on. I have s-something in my eye." She started rubbing her face with her forelegs furiously.

Trixie felt some of her reluctance fade as she watched the pegasus struggle to contain herself. She didn't like the prospect of taking partial responsibility for the walking disaster that was Ranma Saotome, but she DID like the occasional outpour of genuine appreciation and gratitude. "You don't have to hide it, Ranma. Obviously you're incredibly grateful to the Great and Powerful Trixie for showing you such kindness and benevolence and are moved to tears, as you should be. It's only natural."

Ranma chuckled as she finished drying her eyes, and then went back to loading up the cart. "Heh. Yeah. I guess so, huh? Thanks, Trix."

"In the end, Trixie can't just leave you alone," the unicorn sighed, "after all, you still owe Trixie for her stolen clasp, and Trixie can you see you obviously didn't have any luck job-hunting in this dump of a town. It seems Trixie really will have to have you work as a bodyguard for her."

"Yeah! That's great! I can do that!" Ranma said enthusiastically. She picked up the torn halves of Trixie's cape in her mouth and tossed onto the top of the cart. "And I can still tow you and your stuff!"

"Well, that goes without saying," Trixie agreed before jumping onto the wagon herself. She waited until Ranma had hooked herself up into the harness, and then jabbed a hoof toward the edge of town. "All right, Trixie's faithful sidekick! Onward! To Coltson!"

"You got it, Trix!" Ranma said happily as she started accelerating down the road. "To Colt... hey, wait a minute... SIDEKICK?!"

Author's Note

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria, assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (two counts), vandalism (multiple counts), resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice.

I'm pretty sure at this point that yaks are my favorite MLP race. They're clearly the Orks of the pony world. And that's awesome.

Misdirection

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 7

Misdirection

Princess Luna stared up at the moon, a small smile on her lips and a deep, cool breeze running through her fur. A light blue glow covered her as she basked in the night; an ambient effect from the moonlight, and totally independent from her normal magic. Her wings were spread as if in preparation for flight, held gently against the breeze such that the resistance barely stirred her feathers.

A rare sight even within Canterlot, where Luna lived, it was a truly exceptional sight to behold in a place like Ponyville, even when taking into consideration that it received a great deal of visits from the royal house. It was a vision of supreme beauty and majesty, of subtle power and quiet emotion.

And it was only slightly diminished by the fact that Luna was posing atop the Apples' farmstead, right next to a creaky weathervane.

"Your Highness." The sound of leathery wings beating the air came from behind her, and Luna tilted her head slightly to watch as a batpony mare in Lunar Guard armor landed and dipped her head.

"Shade Stalker. Report," Luna commanded, turning away from her servant.

"The target has not been located. But we have a trail," Shade Stalker murmured, keeping her head down, "the target was seen in Hoofington two nights ago, but fled the town heading West. Our best guess is that he is heading to Saddlebrook. Or he is already there."

Luna nodded silently, and her horn lit up. Glimmering motes of light floated in front of her, drawing glowing lines in the air to approximate a map of the countryside.

"The target fled after assaulting the town's Mayor, and is a prime suspect in the destruction of the town inn," Shade hissed, scowling.

"Uh-huh," Luna mumbled inattentively, focusing on her map. The distance between Hoofington and Saddlebrook wasn't very great; perhaps a few days' travel. She started working out the calculations in her head to determine the best spot to start searching.

"As you requested, our investigations were carried out with the utmost secrecy. He has no idea that he's being trailed. Once we catch up with him, we'll gather our forces and launch an ambush in the dead of night. He'll be captured soon."

Luna managed to catch the word "ambush", and her ears twitched up before she turned toward the soldier. "Pardon? I do not recall giving any order that Saotome is to be captured."

Shade Stalker raised her head, looking perplexed. "Wh-What? Then... we're going to just... leave him? Why are we tracking him, then? What are we looking for?"

Luna had to stop to consider how to answer. Honestly, all she wanted from the Lunar Guard was Saotome's location, and certainly didn't want her soldiers bothering him. But it only now occurred to her that such an arrangement seemed rather suspect.

Shade Stalker chewed her lip anxiously, wondering if she had made a mistake. Was it possible they weren't pursuing a suspected rebel or dangerous criminal? But why else would Luna have her soldiers searching for this pony? "Majesty? Did this stallion have something to do with that attack upon you the other night?"

"Y-Yes, but..." Luna stammered, her mind racing. She was still trying to keep her imminent travels a secret, even from her Lunar Guard. She hadn't considered that suspending the night court for an indeterminate period of time right after her agents had found Ranma might raise suspicion. More than that, she didn't really want to admit to anypony that she was using military resources in order to court a stallion. Especially if Celestia found out. She STILL got an occasional lecture from that one time she'd dispatched a squad of mages to entertain at Pipsqueak's birthday party.

"Never mind why!" Luna said after clearing her throat. "You have your orders, don't you? Is that not enough?"

Shade Stalker bowed her head again. "Y-Yes! You're right, of course! Whatever you wish!"

Luna nodded her head. "Indeed. You may also call off any further pursuit of the target. Now that I have a bearing, no further investigation is needed."

"Uh huh..." Shade mumbled, eyebrows arched. "So... just to make sure our orders are COMPLETELY clear: we were to locate the stallion Saotome Ranma, and then do nothing at all with that information or continue to follow him? Implicitly rendering any information about his current location ultimately useless?"

"That's correct," Luna said. "Thank you for your assistance. You are dismissed, Shade Stalker."

As the batpony jumped off the roof and flew away into the night, Luna sighed in relief.

That was close. I thought she was on to me for a moment. I don't want Tia to know that I'm using the Lunar Guard for something like this. Or that I'm wandering around outside Canterlot without security. Or that I'm going to start dating again. That mare is absolutely intolerable when she gets hold of a good piece of gossip.

Luna shuddered, and then sat down to wait for Twilight.

Shade Stalker flew away toward her squad waiting in the depths of the apple orchard, absorbed in her own thoughts.

Well, now I'm certain of it: Princess Luna is trying to hunt down the rebel on her own. The only reason for her to make this kind of request of the Lunar Guard on top of the normal bounty is if she was personally interested in having him found before the bounty hunters and regional guards. I am surprised that she's so dedicated to her revenge that she's going after him alone, though. Being attacked like that must have wounded her pride deeply. This also explains all those preparations she's been making for the night court "just in case" she's predisposed for an extended period of time.

Shade Stalker suddenly screeched, and the high-pitched shriek illuminated the world around her to her mind. Every branch and leaf was perfectly rendered where the moonlight couldn't reach, and in the shadows at the base of the trees half a dozen other ponies waited for her.

"All right ponies, we have a situation," Shade snapped before landing on a thick branch, "Princess Luna has ordered the investigation into Saotome Ranma to cease immediately. The Lunar Guard is not authorized to follow, harm, or arrest him."

A few confused grumbles came from the thestrals below, but Shade quickly silenced them by clearing her throat. "ALSO, I have discerned that Princess Luna is preparing to embark on a journey through the Equestrian heartland in secret. Three guesses as to what she's going after. The first two don't count."

"On her own? After this scumbag already attacked her once?" growled a stallion, hoofing at the ground.

"We don't know that," snapped another one.

"That's what the bounty posters say!"

A batpony mare shook her head. "It doesn't make any sense, though. We've all been briefed on this 'Blood Rite' pony and his lackey attacking Princess Luna, so why would they be coy about a third accomplice? If it weren't for the bounty posters plastered all over downtown, I wouldn't even know this Saotome guy was involved at all."

"You're just saying that because you think he's cute."

"Hey!" Shade Stalker shouted, silencing the others. "That's enough! We have a mission to get to!"

The Lunar Guards blinked in surprise.

"We do?"

"I thought our mission just ended. Rather explicitly, at that."

Shade shook her head. "Our mission to locate and pursue Saotome Ranma is over, yes. But we have another duty that supercedes all others: the protection of Princess Luna. You don't think we're seriously going to let her wander the countryside alone in search of a pony who may be a threat to her, do you?"

"Uh... well... yes?" mumbled one of them uncertainly. "I mean, she obviously doesn't want us there, or she would have asked for an escort, right? Or at least, you know, told us about it?"

"And you're fine with that?" Shade asked sharply, glaring down at the hesitant thestral. "She was almost hurt - perhaps almost killed! - once already because she was allowed to wander about the countryside without enough protection. Are you going to risk letting the same thing happen again?!"

"Won't she just send us away, though?" asked another guard.

"Yes! Which is why we have to trail and protect her in secret!" Shade Stalker declared.

"How are we supposed to do that? Princess Luna can just teleport to wherever she wants to go," pointed out another soldier, "she can lose us at any time, and there probably won't be a trail for us to follow."

"True, we may not be able to follow her," Shade admitted, "but we have a critical edge: we know what her target is. If we find and track this Saotome chump, then the Princess will catch up to us!"

"The same Saotome chump that we were just ordered to STOP tracking?"

"The same!" barked Shade Stalker. "We're going against our orders in order to fulfill our duty! Obviously, it's as important as ever that you don't get caught! You are the best at what you do, ponies, and now it's crunch time! You have to put your skill at stealth up against the Princess of the Night! Are you ready?!"

The Lunar Guards weren't given to enthusiastic shouting in general, so rather than a rousing cheer the batponies shifted and bowed their heads and touched their wings to the ground. It was an ancient gesture of submission and devotion, and indicated that they would each lay down their lives for the cause at hand. Only one Lunar Guard relented, scratching at his chin with a hoof.

"Don't you think that rather than compounding her irresponsible, clandestine behavior with insubordinate, clandestine behavior, we should take this information to Princess Celestia, who has both the authority and legitimacy to address the matter directly and easily prevent either a disastrous or embarrassing incident?" he asked.

The other thestrals turned to stare at the dissenter.

"... No," Shade Stalker replied flatly.

"Fair enough. Let's work out the shifts, then."

Luna continued waiting patiently upon the Apples' rooftop, her thoughts swimming with plans for tracking down her quarry. She and Twilight would almost certainly need to search a town at some point and question the residents, which could easily cause a stir and definitely compromise the secrecy of their mission. She'd need to prepare magical glamours to disguise themselves, in addition to any defenses against potential ambushes.

She also had little idea how long her journey would take, so she had made arrangements to create the illusion she was still in Canterlot but generally inaccessible. That hadn't been much of a challenge; with the current climate regarding royal security, and her more secluded duties as Princess of the Night, it was easy to arrange a schedule that included plenty of excuses not to be seen. Given that her most important duty, raising the moon upon the dusk, could be done anywhere, it wasn't as if she'd be missing anything important.

"Princess Luna! I'm here!" Twilight shouted as she alighted upon the roof behind the larger alicorn. Spike was settle on her back, on top of a pair of hefty saddlebags. The dragon looked like he was fighting to stay awake, too, with his eyelids slipping closed every few seconds before snapping open again.

"Aye! Well met, Twilight Sparkle!" Luna said happily, almost giddy now that their quest was to begin. "I have a bearing for our quarry. He heads West, past Hoofington in the northern regions. Behold!"

Luna again summoned the map of glimmering starlight, and Twilight had to push down her initial awe at such a casually beautiful display of magic to focus on the information it was trying to convey. A single spot of white light glowed over the town Luna had named, and then spread Westward before dimming into nothing.

"Huh. Then that's... wow. That's pretty far away from Ponyville."

Spike started to tilt over to one side, and Twilight absently raised a wing to push him back upright.

"What's the town here?"

"That is Saddlebrook. A moment." Luna's horn flashed again, and then a small booklet popped into existence near her head. Her telekinesis caught the booklet, and then started flipping the pages for her.

"Let's see... Saddlebrook is a trading hub for many of the surrounding nations and tribes that have treaties with Equestria. Although thriving, it has difficulty maintaining a large enough force of guards to keep the peace since many of the malcontents are members of larger and more dangerous species than ponies. Interesting." Luna frowned. "I wonder why Saotome has happened upon such a place."

"When I spoke to him he was still searching for the unicorns. And this was before they'd made their move against you," Twilight pointed out. She paused to again keep Spike from sliding off with her wings. "He might have a lead on them that we don't know about."

"Indeed. We shall depart at once!" Luna's horn start sparking as she prepared the mental calculations for a long-range teleport.

"Uhm... Princess?"

Luna's horn dimmed at Twilight's interruption. "Hmm?"

"Just checking, but... our primary method of investigating Saotome's location would be interviewing other ponies, right? We're not going to just be searching public records or using magic, since we wouldn't have to physically chase after him like this." Twilight again shifted to keep Spike from sliding off her back.

"Indeed. You needn't worry, I will prepare magic disguises for the effort," Luna assured her, "we can maintain secrecy while pursuing him."

"Okay, great. But... you DO realize that almost all ponies are going to be asleep if we restrict our search to nighttime hours, right?"

Luna didn't reply, staring down at the smaller alicorn with an unreadable expression. Then she looked up into the sky, as if realizing at just that moment that it was night. Finally, she frowned at Spike, who was now snoring openly as he lay on Twilight's back.

"Ponyfeathers," Luna grumbled, "I had not anticipated this complication."

Twilight pushed down an exasperated sigh. It figured that Luna would thoughtfully plan out the more elaborate, complicated steps of her adventure but forget something as basic as most ponies sleeping at night. "With that in mind, perhaps it would be wise for us to rest up as well, and start the search tomorrow morning?"

Luna frowned at the thought. She didn't really want to delay their search for four or five hours, much less commit to doing it during the day, when she usually slept. But on the other hoof, that was a much lesser difficulty than trying to search for her savior after dark.

"Tch! If only he had ventured into the thestral territories!" Luna clicked her tongue. "Very well, we shall delay our mission until after I have lowered the moon."

"Good! As you can see, Spike didn't really adjust well to staying up this late." Twilight began the calculations in her head to teleport back to her temporary bedroom, but then hesitated as she looked up at the Princess of the Night. "Uh... did you need a place to stay for the night, by the way? There's enough space in the Apples' guest room for a third."

Luna shook her head. "My apologies, but I must decline. I will spend the evening dream-walking and further planning our travels. It is all the more crucial now that they must be further delayed."

"Oh. Well..." Twilight again paused and shifted so that Spike didn't fall off her back. "I really think that the time would be better spent getting some rest, but okay. Your call. Good night, Princess."

Twilight and Spike vanished into a burst of purple light, leaving Luna once more alone in the late evening chill.

With a final, slightly rueful glance at the stars, Luna leapt from the top of the Apple farmstead and landed lightly on the ground. Then she trotted into the family's barn, sliding the door open with magic and sealing it with a spell to seal it behind her. Finding a comfortable spot on the floor, Luna lowered herself in the middle of the barn before her horn flared brightly with power. Arcane symbols spilled across the floor around her, blowing away dust and loose hay. As her magic continued to coalesce and surround her, Luna closed her eyes and let herself drift away into the world of dreams.

Naturally, Luna had already tried to find Ranma Saotome's dreams before in the hope of gaining further insight into the stallion's character and making contact with him. Unfortunately, even after learning the pony warrior's name, finding his dreams had proven inexplicably hard.

Granted, the method of sifting through millions of dreaming ponies was necessarily arcane and rather imprecise, but she'd had long practice in it. With his name and the memory of their meeting, she should have been able to home in on Ranma Saotome's mind with ease, but instead she kept finding herself dropping into some sort of bizarre science-fiction fantasy world full of strange, furless, bipedal creatures shouting at each other in some kind of alien gibberish. It was probably the dreams of some fiction writer or comic book artist.

It was her policy not to extensively observe or interfere with ponies' dreams unless she thought her intervention was needed, so she didn't try to figure out who she kept mistaking for her savior stallion. It probably wouldn't have helped, anyway. Ultimately, she would have to search for Ranma in the realm of flesh and blood, and that was fine.

But Twilight's comment about Ranma's search had reminded Luna that there was another stallion to whom she owed a visit.

Princess Luna hadn't really expected to find Rite's dream, or enter it without resistance. When both those things happened, she was extremely suspicious, and honestly considered turning back out of fear of some kind of trap.

The thought of retreat lasted all of two seconds before Luna chided herself for her cowardice and surged into Rite's slumbering thoughts. She was the Princess of the Night, and dreams were her domain! No mere unicorn was going to challenge her on her own turf! Practically boiling with magical power and indignant fury, the dark Princess materialized into Rite's subconcious fantasy.

It was... rather different than what she expected.

Luna's eyes slowly dimmed from a furious, blazing white as she twisted her head back and forth, staring at the landscape.

She'd visited the mind of madponies and criminals before, and knew better than to expect something stereotypically villainous, like being seated on a throne atop a giant mountain of gold or bodies. Even tyrants often dreamed of peaceful times and loved ones. But even by those standards, this dream was bizarrely serene.

Sparse forestland and lush ponds were scattered over the area, and in the distance a tall wooden windmill slowly turned in the cool breeze. Luna couldn't place the area; it could have been any one of a hundred such peaceful green spaces in Equestria. It might not even be a specific place, but a generic background for the events of the dream to take place.

That said, even the events seemed unusually mundane. Her quarry, Blood Rite, was seated next to a tree, a book floating open in front of him. Numerous younger ponies sat or laid around him, listening intently to him reading with smiles on their faces. Looking around, Luna could see Canterlot in the distance, perched on the side of a mountain as in the waking world. It was intact. No sign of war or devastation was evident, at least from this distance.

"... and so the villainous mutant apes were defeated at last, and Equestria was finally safe. Our hero, the mysterious crimson stallion, returned to the time rift without delay, and was never seen again!" Rite paused to chuckle as he turned the page with his magic. "Alas, nopony knew the identity of this mysterious - and surprisingly terse - equine. Generations of unicorns studied the rift, but were unable to figure out to which era it might lead, or how to open it again. Surely the pony must be a fantastic and decorated warrior in his time, whoever he was, but as far as we know that time has not even happened yet, or has passed eons ago. The mystery may never be solved." With a satisfied smile, Rite closed the book.

"Were you that stallion, Mister Rite?" asked a squeaky-voiced filly.

Rite laughed. "Oh, don't I wish! But time travel is hardly among my talents, young one." He furrowed his brow. "Although I have had to tangle with an upstart ape on occasion."

The book disappeared in a flare of magical fire, and Rite gave the younger ponies a wan smile. "All right, everypony. That's it for story time. It seems somepony else has an appointment with me today." His eyes narrowed. "One that has been some time in coming, I might add."

The colts and fillies made a few disappointed sounds, but started getting up and scattering away from the unicorn stallion. None of them seemed to notice Princess Luna as she approached, although Luna's eyes lingered on each of the children while they passed her.

Eventually Luna turned to face Rite, staring down at the sorcerer with a carefully even expression.

"Those ponies," Luna began, sweeping out a wing to indicate the departing children, "none of them have cutie marks. Some of them were teenagers."

"Yes, I know," Rite replied, settling back against his tree. He was not wearing his cloak in this fantasy of his, and Luna could see that he didn't have a cutie mark either. "Lucky them."

Luna tilted her head to the side. "Are you unmarked as well? In the waking world?"

Finally, Rite looked up at the dark Princess. His eyes were cold and firm. Not angry... but cautious. He knew he was facing an enemy now, even if he held no particular emnity for the younger of the Equestrian diarchs.

"So, she hasn't told you yet? Hmph. Does Celestia not even remember me?" Rite grumbled.

"Oh, she remembers you, Blood Rite," Luna assured him. Her horn pulsed, and a corona of blue power surrounded the Princess of the Night. "Although she has certainly been tight-lipped about your past. Perhaps you wish to enlighten me, or shall we get right to the part where I cause you grievous magical harm?"

"Don't presume to threaten me, Princess. You cannot touch me, here. The moment you try, this dream will shatter and I will awake. Do you think I haven't prepared for this?" Rite snapped.

"I cannot say how well you've prepared your mysterious schemes," Luna couldn't help but smirk, "last I saw, not all was proceeding as planned."

Rite's eye twitched, and then he cleared his throat. "Yes, well... regardless, it is only by my design that you've been able to find and enter my dreams at all. I have permitted this meeting."

"Oh? And why is this?" Luna asked with an arched brow. "Did you wish to gloat over your inevitable success? Try to convince me to join your twisted cause? Or needlessly explain your evil plot so that I may more easily put a stop to it?"

Rite glared up at the Princess. "... You know, if you're not going to take this seriously, you can just leave."

The alicorn Princess rolled her eyes. "Very well. Go ahead. What are you trying to accomplish with this? Why attack Celestia?"

"Don't misunderstand," Rite warned, "overcoming the Equestrian royal family is merely a means to an end, not the end itself. I have my... qualms with Celestia," he snorted irritably, "but this is about more than me, or even her. The fate of all ponykind will be determined by my actions today."

"And what is to be that fate? What will be our future, if you have your way?" Luna asked.

"This." Rite said calmly, gesturing to the land around him.

Luna arched an eyebrow, then twisted her head left and right. "This... forest?"

"This world. Exactly as you see it here," the stallion reiterated, "this is my vision. This is my plan for equine-kind. Our future."

Luna frowned as she glanced toward Canterlot again. It honestly didn't seem any different than usual. "So... are you ruler in this fantasy world you've constructed? Is this some sort of recreational area for you?"

Rite snorted. "No. I am not ruler. This world bends knee to nopony, least of all me. That's the point." He started walking past her, gazing at the tree line. "The foes Equestria has faced in the past were enemies of harmony. They sought to remake the world for themselves, harming those who they controlled, sometimes for the pure joy of conflict." He stopped and looked back at the alicorn. "Having been one of them in the past, I'm sure you, more than anypony, can appreciate such a destructive will and intention."

Luna scowled. "And I suppose you're different?"

"Dreams are the expression of the heart, are they not?" Rite asked. "Look around you. I do not wish harm upon the ponies of Equestria. I do not seek to bring Equestria to ruin. Quite the opposite."

The Princess of the Night scoffed. "If you command such magics that you can protect yourself from my power, it is a trifle to show me whatever illusion you wish within your dreams. This hardly qualifies as proof of your benign intentions." Her eyes hardened. "And even if it did, I still very much object to your methods."

Rite's expression soured. "Hmph. I didn't seriously expect anything better from you." He turned to face the Princess and pointed a hoof at her chest, coming just short of touching the taller pony. "If you take nothing else from this encounter, then, know this: change is coming to Equestria, and the foundations of royal authority that have rotted for over a thousand years under Celestia's oblivious rule will soon crumble beneath you. You'll find your power slipping further and further from your grasp, and the more you struggle - the more hapless servants you send to stop me - the more ponies will come to harm. I do not wish to hurt anypony, Princess Luna, but my rebellion will be far from painless."

Luna sneered at the unicorn. "And now the fantasy is stripped away from the truth of your aims. You cannot challenge the royal house directly, so you strike with guile and deceit and threaten the weak."

"Oh, I will be all too happy to take the fight to you once the time is right, Princess," Rite snapped back, "but how much damage is caused in the meantime is up to you."

The sorcerer stepped closer until he was almost nose-to-nose with Luna. "I leave you with this question, Princess Luna: when the time comes and the moon threatens to escape your noxious magical control, how many ponies' lives will you sacrifice to hold on to it?"

Luna's patience broke, and she reared up angrily while her horn lit ablaze.

Rite's expression didn't change as a veritable river of energy surged from the alicorn and slammed into him. His body instantly flashed and vanished into a series of collapsing runic circles, each of which quickly came apart under the torrent of magic. Within seconds the dream world fell apart around Luna, collapsing into motes of light that were swallowed by encroaching shadows.

In a matter of seconds, Luna was alone in the dark.

Trixie had to admit that she was becoming grudgingly used to her new early morning routine.

She could only characterize it as "grudging", because she still recognized, on an intellectual level, that this was all bizarre and bothersome and completely out of her comfort zone. Ranma Saotome was an enormous intrusion on her life, and in particular her food stocks, and she had no real reason to keep helping him.

Case in point, she'd woken up this morning to see the transformed stallion doing weird poses and violent motions in a clearing. He called it a "kata", which Trixie concluded was the human word for "thrashing around at thin air like a moron". She'd then started preparing a pot of oatmeal, only at four times the usual quantity. She was certain Ranma could eat more if she let him, but Trixie figured she'd have to ration their food if they were going to make it to the next town without skipping meals. She was used to budgeting her food for an entire month, not portioning it out until she could make it to a town that wasn't liable to drive them away with spears. Which was also Ranma's fault. Mostly.

But, somehow... it wasn't all as disagreeable as she would have thought.

"Oatmeal this morning, huh? Okay, sounds good."

Ranma's voice came from right next to Trixie while she was deep in thought, and it was difficult for the unicorn not to yelp in surprise when she found him standing between her and the cooking pot.

"Yes, and it's almost done. Are you done with your ridiculous exercises?" Trixie asked.

"They're not ridiculous, and it isn't just exercise. I need to work out how to keep in form while I'm in this body." Ranma backed up and then kicked out a rear leg in a blur of motion. The air cracked loudly, and several shredded leaves started floating down from a tree behind him. "This anatomy is all new to me! Everything is different! And that's just my Earth body! I haven't even started on working my pegasus wings into my techniques!"

Trixie continued stirring the oatmeal. "For not being 'in form', you're still apparently able to jump-kick a griffon and wrestle a minotaur into submission. Trixie doesn't think she has any potential enemies that will require greater skill and fortitude than that."

"Hey, you never know," Ranma insisted as he laid down, "one day you're getting by kicking around pushy classmates from your school's sports clubs. Next day? BAM. Cross-dressing ninja. It happens, and I need to be READY."

Trixie cast him a sidelong glance while she levitated a spoon into the pot. "Human society sounds difficult." She hovered a bowl closer and started scooping oatmeal into it.

"It has its moments. I make it sound pretty tough, but for all our problems we never had mutant dinosaurs coming out of the forest to kill us all." Ranma paused, furrowing his brow. "Well, not more than once, anyway. I don't think the Orochi even counts; we had to go find him, not the other way around."

Trixie settled her bowl in front of herself, and then moved the rest of the pot in front of Ranma. "In any case, Trixie can understand that you use up a lot of calories fighting and towing the wagon, but those crazy exercises of yours are just going to exhaust Trixie's food stores more quickly."

Ranma didn't answer right away, as he had his head stuck in the cooking pot, devouring his breakfast.

Trixie blinked, surprised and mildly disgusted. She levitated a spoon next to Ranma and then loudly cleared her throat.

Ranma stopped eating and pulled his head out. "Huh? Something wrong?"

Trixie pointed a hoof toward the spoon floating next to Ranma's head. Ranma looked up at the spoon. He frowned, as if the implement was some sort of puzzle. Then he bit onto the end of the spoon and turned his head back to the pot.

He stared down at the oatmeal, then at the spoon clenched between his teeth. "... I think I'm doing it wrong."

Trixie fought the urge to slap a hoof against her face. "Did they seriously not have eating utensils where you come from?"

"Of course they did. You know what else they had back where I came from? FINGERS," the martial artist mumbled around the spoon in his mouth. He sat back on his haunches and raised his forelegs. "How am I supposed to hold anything like this?"

"Just use your hooves!" Trixie instructed.

Ranma stared at the flat, dry, and utterly inflexible surface of his hoof, and then went back to staring at Trixie. "Use them to do WHAT?"

"Like this!" Trixie let her own spoon fall onto one of her upraised hooves. To Ranma's amazement, it stuck there, and his eyes narrowed as the mare stuck the spoon into her oatmeal and then successfully carried a portion from her bowl to her mouth.

She swallowed her food, and then gave Ranma a condescending smirk she usually reserved for children asking her silly questions. "There, see? No magic necessary. It's not hard! Now you try."

Ranma carefully brought his hoof up under the spoon in his mouth, and his eyes narrowed in concentration. Trixie struggled not to laugh, suddenly struck by how silly it was to see the other pony struggling over something usually mastered by toddlers. Her amusement only grew more difficult to contain when Ranma let the spoon fall into his hoof and it bounced off into the dirt.

"... Are you SURE it's not a magic trick?" Ranma asked suspiciously of the unicorn.

"So let Trixie get this straight: you can outmaneuver a griffon, outmuscle a minotaur, and blast away dragons, but handling a spoon is beyond you. You martial artists are strange," Trixie giggled behind her hoof.

"Can I get back to eating, now?" Ranma grumbled.

They ate the rest of the meal in relative silence, with the occasional jab from Trixie about Ranma eating like a dog, swiftly followed by a mumbled retort about missing his old body. Soon Trixie was putting away her utensils in her wagon while Ranma packed up the pieces of their camp site.

"Hey, Trix. I have a question," the stallion said after putting away the blankets.

"Although constantly whittling away at your impressive ignorance is tiring, the Great and Powerful Trixie shall again enlighten you, as is her duty," Trixie replied solemnly before jumping up onto the cart.

"Right. As if you ever get tired of talking," Ranma scoffed, "anyway, since I'm officially your bodyguard, now, I was thinking back on the fight with the unicorns." He gave a light and remarkably precise kick to the wagon yoke, and it bounced up and fell into place on his shoulders.

Trixie frowned as Ranma started pulling them back toward the road. "What about it?" She didn't really want to talk about that fight, because it had been less a "fight" and more an act of mercy on Rite's part. She was positive he could have destroyed her if he'd wanted to.

"Well, if we get attacked again, I need to know how much trouble you can handle on your own if a bad guy gets past me," Ranma explained, "if we get surrounded or if the enemy is really determined to get you rather than me, then we might need to run away instead of fighting. So I was wondering if you were stronger or weaker than the evil unicorns that jumped us."

This was precisely where Trixie didn't want the conversation to go, so she let her instincts take over her mouth. "The Great and Powerful Trixie could easily defeat those upstart rebels! Trixie just doesn't WANT to, because fighting is crude and dangerous and having you do it instead is the only reason Trixie lets you follow her around," she scoffed.

"Yeah, I know," Ranma replied, "but are you stronger or weaker than them?"

Trixie had not been expecting that response. Her instincts promptly returned a big fat question mark. "That... Trixie is... what?"

Ranma twisted his head around to speak directly to his passenger. "What I mean is, could you do spells that shoot big fire beams, like Swan Song?"

"Well... of course Trixie could! Uh... under certain... circumstances," the magician fumbled through her explanation, and she felt beads of sweat on her brow. Normally this was the part of the conversation where she'd start verbally lashing out at the pony questioning her abilities, but given that Ranma was doing it specifically so that he could better protect her, she hesitated to get defensive.

"So, what, you could pull it off if you had a chance to prepare? Are we talking a minute of advance warning, or an hour?" Ranma pressed.

Trixie shook her head. "Okay, well, maybe Trixie couldn't pull off something like THAT. Trixie is a stage magician, not a battle mage!"

"So you're weaker, then?" Ranma asked.

The mare scrunched up her nose. "It's complicated, all right? Magic is different from physical fighting! It's not just a matter of 'the strongest unicorn wins'!"

Ranma snorted. "What, and you think physical fighting IS like that?" He shook his head, smirking. "I know that the strongest doesn't always win. I beat stronger guys all the time. I usually have some other advantage, of course; sometimes I'm faster, or have better techniques. Or I'm smarter. Usually smarter. Almost always, actually. I fight a lot of really stupid people." He paused briefly to recall where he was going with this. "Anyway, being weaker than someone else just means you have to work harder than they do to come out on top. I didn't think that magic was any different."

Trixie blinked in surprise.

"But being stronger than the average chump gives you a lot more breathing room in a dangerous situation. I can eventually knock out a dragon-thing, sure, but it's hard. When it comes to dealing with a bunch of useless guards, I can cut them some slack and give them plenty of chances to run away. So I still want to know where you stand."

After Ranma's explanation, a restless silence descended upon the pair of travelers. Trixie's thoughts churned. Minutes passed amongst the rattle of the wagon wheels.

"All right. It seems that if you're going to truly understand Trixie's greatness and power, Trixie needs to give you a crash course in magic," the unicorn said suddenly.

"Okay, that sounds good," Ranma replied. Then he felt something prodding the back of his head. A second later a stick floated in front of him, surrounded by a shimmering pink glow.

"This is levitation. It's the most basic spell amongst unicorn-kind. Even as an intergalactic immigrant to this world, Trixie is quite certain you've seen it in action."

Ranma nodded. "Sure. You use magic to move stuff. Real handy spell."

"The thing is," Trixie continued, "it's not really a spell. Spells are complex combinations of magical patterns to generate specific, limited effects. Levitation is pretty much shoving a bunch of magic around an item and then shifting the flow in a certain way. That's why you can see every unicorn use it; not because it's so useful, but because it's so easy. There are literally accounts of newborn unicorn foals using levitation. Real magic isn't that simple."

"I get it. It's like punching. Anyone with fists can do it, and even make it work, but that doesn't make it a martial art," Ranma mused aloud. Then he looked down at his hooves. "Damn it...

"Trixie doesn't really understand, but that sounds about right. Anyway, there are two factors to consider in regards to a unicorn's magic ability: energy and retention."

"Wait, 'retention'? Not skill?" Ranma interrupted.

"They're close, but 'retention' is a much better word for it," Trixie explained, "but first: energy. This is simply the amount of mana a unicorn is able to draw on in a short period of time. It's pretty much the same as your muscle strength. You can only lift so much weight, and when you approach that limit, you exhaust yourself quickly and need to rest. Magical energy is likewise the upper limit on how big a spell a unicorn can use and how often."

"Simple enough. So what's 'retention'?"

"Retention is a unicorn's ability to memorize spells. Magic spells are complicated, and often contain iffy calculations that can change wildly according to the situation. Casting a spell by reading from a scroll and book usually isn't too hard, but doing magic from memory takes either Trixie levels of intelligence or a frankly stupid amount of studying and practice." She scratched at her chin with a hoof. "The exception would probably be a unicorn's special talent. A spell associated with a pony's talent comes naturally to them, and may even be completely unique to that pony. Other than their talent spells, the vast majority of unicorns only know spells that they use frequently in their day-to-day lives. A unicorn less brilliant than Trixie - which is probably all of them - just doesn't have the time and patience to master casting even a novice spell without a spell book, and even if they do, they can easily forget it without constant practice."

"That makes sense, I guess. And that explains why that dragon-thing wasn't being bombarded with fireballs and lightning bolts from all sides while it crashed through Ponyville. And why the unicorn guard in Saddlebrook only tried one spell before bolting. They just don't have the magic ready." Ranma turned to face Trixie with an arched eyebrow. "So I'm guessing that Swan Song chick is a pretty big deal as far as unicorns are concerned, right? She belted out one spell after another, and some of them were powerful enough to knock over buildings."

"Considering her apparent intelligence, Trixie isn't quite ready to rule out a hidden magic item just yet," the mare sniffed, "speaking of which: Unlike physical strength, a unicorn's magical energy capacity is more or less fixed over her lifetime. We can always study more to learn more spells, but we can't just exercise to get more magical power. For this reason, magic boosters like amulets and potions are the best way to use spells more powerful than our abilities would normally allow. That's probably why your unicorn friends are trying to get your fancy-shmancy gem."

"And why you're so persistent that I replace your gem that they stole!" Ranma added in a moment of epiphany. "You probably need that thing to do your magic act, don't you?"

When he looked back again, he saw that Trixie was glaring at him. "What? Am I wrong?"

Trixie opened her mouth to protest. Nothing came out for a few seconds (for the first time that Ranma had ever seen), and then she snapped her jaw shut and looked away.

"Trixie... is perhaps not blessed with EXCEPTIONAL magical reserves, much as Trixie loathes to admit it," the mare grumbled, "however, when it comes to study and retention, Trixie is second to none! Surely you've noticed that you've never seen Trixie reading her magic spells from books or notes!" She sat up proudly again, pushing her hat back behind her horn. "In fact, it could easily be said that Trixie's limited mana supply ENHANCES Trixie's magical genius! Without an endless supply of power to fuel Trixie's whims, Trixie must innovate! That crazy Swan pony may have brute force on her side, but she couldn't possibly match Trixie's cunning!"

"Fair enough. But if push comes to shove you're not going to be turning anyone into a ferret, is what I'm getting from this."

Again, Trixie's expression soured. "No. But when some creep shows up and starts pushing, Trixie expects you to do the shoving. That's what this whole 'bodyguard' thing is all about."

"And I will!" Ranma assured her. "But it's still good to know what to expect from you. Especially since you seem to like arguing with bad guys and getting involved in fights rather than running for cover."

"What are you insinuating?" the unicorn asked, eyes narrowed.

"That being the center of attention is more important to you than your personal safety," the martial artist answered without hesitation.

"...... Trixie chooses not to dispute that," she replied evenly.

Ranma chuckled. A moment later, he suddenly brightened. "Oh, hey! Since you explained magic to me, I can tell you all about martial arts! You probably think it's just about hitting stuff really hard and exercising until you can shatter bricks with your face, but there's a lot more to it than that! It can even be used to harness mental energy in a way that's a lot like magic!"

"Nifty," Trixie said, "but instead, Trixie is going to expand your crash course on magic by discussing Trixie's particular innovations with the levitation cantrip. Trixie kind of brushed it off as literal child's play earlier, but obviously the most ubiquitous of unicorn magics becomes all the more useful under Trixie's remarkable skill!"

"But, I-"

"First, Trixie must explain the particular mechanics of telekinesis! That's levitation's formal, scientific name, by the way. You see, equine mages long ago determined that the omnidirectional magical force could be altered to exert extremely heavy, directed force instead! However! The magical practice was limited by..."

Ranma hung his head and sighed as Trixie launched into a new lecture. Oh well. She's still pretty much the best traveling buddy I've ever had... which mostly goes to show what kind of complete losers I had to hang out with back on Earth. Still, I hope those unicorns come around for another attempt at stealing the MacGuffin Stone soon. I really have no idea how I'm going to find them otherwise.

Over a grassy hilltop overlooking Saddlebrook, a flash of light split the air and hummed furiously before dropping Blood Rite and Swan Song onto the ground.

"Bearing!" Rite shouted, closing his eyes and turning his head.

Swan quickly withdrew a map, compass, straight edge, and marker with her magic, displaying a sense of urgency and seriousness that had been entirely absent during their last outing. She looked up at Rite, calibrated the map with the compass, and then slashed a line of black across their chart of the countryside. Everything but the chart swiftly floated back into her saddlebags, and then she shifted the map over to her employer.

"Marked!"

Rite opened his eyes and observed the new vector. "This doesn't cross through the town. They've left already? What are those two even doing?"

Swan Song frowned. "That's a good question, actually. We haven't really been keeping tabs on Calamity ever since we escaped him in the ruins."

Rite nodded. "True. Of course, back then we had no reason..." he trailed off, his brow furrowing. "Wait, 'Calamity'?"

"That's what the blue mare called him. Or her, I guess." Swan sighed sadly.

"Ah, right. Now I remember. The mutant ape's name is a word for disaster and strife?" Rite wondered aloud. "Huh. How disgustingly appropriate." He shook his head. "Anyway, when we last met those two, it seemed like the blue unicorn was giving her orders. I wonder if she has some sort of leverage over our target?"

"You don't think they're together, do you?" Swan gasped, dropping her magical hold on the map. "Wait! What if she's the one who turned Calamity into a mare! What if it's all part of some kind of magical coercian to enslave him to fulfill her twisted sexual fantasies?!" She kicked at the ground angrily. "Why didn't I think of that?!" she despaired.

Rite turned to look at her with an expression of severe disapproval.

"I'll be good," the sorceress mumbled, her ears turning down.

Rite levitated the map back up in front of him to look over the chart. "All right, let's plan our next jump. Based on this vector they probably took the West road, so we should..."

He trailed off as he felt a gentle tingling in his horn, indicating that a substantial magical charge was building nearby. He immediately glanced over at Swan Song to see if she was casting something, but the other unicorn was staring up at her own unlit horn in confusion.

A humming noise started building from nowhere, and then the unicorns were briefly blinded by a brilliant flash of blue light.

Rite blinked his eyes repeatedly, flinching back. Swan started rubbing at her eyes with her leg.

When they recovered their sight, their eyes widened in tandem. Then Rite's pupils slowly shrank to pinpricks. Swan's jaw fell open, and she barely suppressed a whimper of fear.

The two sorcerers were now looking at the backsides of Princess Luna and Princess Twilight Sparkle, who had just happened to teleport to a few feet in front of them, facing toward the town. The baby dragon Spike was there too, riding on Twilight's back, but his presence largely went unnoticed alongside the appearance of the two alicorns.

"Hark! The village of Saddlebrook! Our prize may well await within!" Luna gushed, raising a hoof to point forward.

"Our prize? Aren't we looking for a pony?" Twilight asked.

"Indeed we are!" Luna said with a happy chuckle. "Let us begin our search without delay!"

Swan Song slowly turned her head toward Rite, droplets of sweat rolling down from her forehead. Rite made eye contact, shuddered briefly, and quickly shook his head.

Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "Okay, fine. Did you remember the disguise spell?"

Luna's horn flashed as she began the new weave of magic. As the faint aura of mana surrounded them again, Rite's own horn started to glow.

After a few seconds, a glittering wave swept over Luna and Twilight. Twilight's fur shifted to a dull brown color, her mane's colored stripes vanished, and her wings seemed to disappear. Luna underwent the same transformation, except that her fur turned Ivory and her mane became a rusty red.

A few seconds after that, while the two alicorns were waiting for their vision to clear, a buzz and a flash came from behind them.

"Hm?" Spike turned around, and his brow furrowed at a small wisp of white smoke coming from the ground. "What was that?" he mumbled to himself.

"So we're both going in as unicorns?" Twilight asked as she too twisted her head around. She was too late to see the last few sparks of magic from the outgoing teleport, and she didn't notice the fading smoke while observing her disguised body.

"Yes. Given that we are both used to manipulating objects with magic, I thought it would be awkward and suspicious for us to lose that capability and have to fumble with our hooves," Luna nodded smartly as the glow of her horn ebbed, "if you absolutely need to use your wings then you may, but to take flight will shatter the illusion. Take heed!"

"All right, I've got it," Twilight agreed, "let's get going, then."

Swan and Rite appeared in a random forest clearing, their faces turning dark from holding their breath. Only once the unicorns checked their surroundings and confirmed the lack of enemy Princesses did they dare to exhale.

"Okay, what the hay was that?" Swan's knees wobbled and she collapsed onto the forest floor. "I thought I was going to have a heart attack!"

"No... No... No no no no!" Rite shook in frustration and anger, and started pounding a hoof into the ground with every word. "I knew this would happen sooner or later! They're on the trail of the MacGuffin Stone too! I was just REALLY hoping it would be later!"

After a growl of incoherent anguish, the stallion planted a hoof against his face. "When Princess Luna invaded my dreams, I felt certain the Equestrian state was concentrating its efforts on finding me, not the Stone! BLAST!" He started pacing in front of his assistant, his thoughts and heart racing. "If Canterlot gets the MacGuffin Stone, then all is lost! We cannot challenge the royal family without it!"

"Would it be that hard to steal it from Canterlot, though?" Swan Song asked. "I mean, Princess Celestia's pretty bad at this. I hear she just left the Elements of Harmony lying around her old castle for centuries. We could probably sneak into Canterlot and nab the gem if we really needed to."

"We can't challenge the royal family with a strategy that depends entirely on their incompetence!" Rite complained. "Granted it probably WOULD work... but no! We have to beat Princess Luna to the MacGuffin Stone!"

Then his head snapped up. "The MacGuffin Stone..."

Swan arched an eyebrow. "Yeah? What about it?"

"They said they were looking for a pony, not the Stone," Rite's eyes were getting ever wider, and his tone sounded increasingly hopeful.

"Well, sure. But since the pony HAS the stone, you know, I don't think that makes a difference," Swan Song mumbled.

"It does!" Rite countered, whirling to face the intern. "The Princesses were preparing to search Saddlebrook for a pony! Don't you understand? We've already determined that Calamity has already left town! Princess Luna doesn't have the MacGuffin sense! Or somehow hasn't noticed it!"

Understanding dawned on Swan's face. "Of course! They weren't even sure whether he was in the town or not! We still have a slight lead on them!"

"Slight... yes..." Rite's eyes narrowed. "That isn't quite good enough. We have little idea how our next attempt will go, considering how EVERY SINGLE TIME we meet our target we manage only to further antagonize him and have to retreat." He glared meaningfully at Swan Song, and the mare pouted sadly. "We need to get rid of those alicorns."

"Okay, but... are you seriously thinking about attacking them? Princess Luna AND Twilight? At once?" Swan asked with a wince. "Because if so, then I'm pretty sure we just had our best chance for a surprise ambush when we were staring at their tails."

"No, Swan Song. I'm not so foolhardy as to challenge a Princess without a decisive advantage." His magic opened his own saddlebag, and a scroll hovered out of it. "If the Princesses are operating with limited information, then we can throw them off the trail. That should divert them long enough for us to catch up to our friend Calamity. Their disguises back there give me an idea."

"An idea?" Swan repeated, blinking.

The stallion smirked. "You count acting among your special talents, yes?"

Swan Song smirked back. "I was a WICKED Nightmare Moon in my tenth grade school play!" Then she clicked her tongue. "Of course, the filly playing Celestia wasn't NEARLY as good, and totally ruined the production when she started crying and begging the audience for help in the middle of our climactic battle. Which wasn't even much of a battle, honestly. I thought she was ad-libbing until-"

"A yes is entirely sufficient, Swan Song," Rite deadpanned, opening up the scroll, "now hold still."

"Hello there! Miss? May I speak to you for a moment?"

A black pegasus mare halted at the request, turning to look behind her. A brown unicorn with a dark purple mane was trotting up the street, smiling brightly while a dragon baby sat on her back holding a paper scroll.

"Uhm, okay. You're not selling anything, are you?" the pegasus asked suspiciously.

"No, nothing like that!" Twilight stopped in front of the other pony and leaned her head to the side. Spike immediately unrolled the parchment he was holding, revealing one of the paintings Luna had produced of their equine target. "I was just wondering if you've seen this pony. It's very important that I find him."

The citizen arched her eyebrow. "No, doesn't look familiar. I'm sure I'd remember a physique like that." She frowned. "Although it's been kind of chaotic around here lately. Everypony's been really distracted."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that," Spike said as he rolled up the poster again, "did you guys get attacked? Half the city hall is gone."

"Nopony's sure exactly what happened," the pegasus said, her voice taking on a nervous tone. "The town hall and local inn were magically bombed or something, nearly all of the guards were beaten up, and a concert I had been looking forward to for MONTHS was canceled because the band was hospitalized!"

Twilight looked shocked. "And nopony knows what actually happened to them?"

"There are lots of accounts and stories, but some of them are pretty out there," the other mare admitted, "some ponies SWEAR that the guards were attacked by some sort of super-equine vagrant with ice breath like a frost dragon. Like if Supermane suddenly took to roughing up rural peacekeepers instead of fighting crime." She shook her head. "With the damage we've suffered, though, you'd expect there was an army laying siege or a major riot or something!"

The pegasus glanced over her shoulder briefly. "Anyway, I have to go. Sorry I couldn't help you."

"No, no, that's fine. Thank you for your assistance," Twilight assured her before turning away.

"Well, that was interesting," Spike mumbled as he looked up at the inn in the middle of the town. A thick scorch mark covered one corner of the structure, and there were curtains covering each window. "I was wondering what happened over there."

"It's very odd that the town was attacked and nopony even knows why," Twilight mused, "do you think we should look into this? It seems a bit more important than finding Saotome for the sake of scientific curiosity and friendship."

Spike snorted as he rolled open the poster again and looked it over. "I'm pretty sure that's not what Luna has in mind, here."

"Really?" Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "Why do you think-"

The sound of a throat being cleared came from Twilight's front, startling her from her current train of thought. She snapped her head forward again to see what was wrong.

There was another mare in front of her now, this one a tan-colored earth pony. Her black mane was piled up in a bun behind her head, and a pair of glasses sat on the end of her muzzle. A cutie mark of a notary's stamp was on her rear leg, indicating that she was a bureaucrat or some other kind of public servant.

"Excuse me, Miss," the new pony said with a fairly indecipherable accent, "I understand you're looking for somepony? Perhaps I may be of assistance?"

"Ah, okay! Thank you!" Twilight tilted her head out of the way again, and Spike again unrolled the poster around to show the pony ahead of them. "Have you seen this stallion?"

They were quite gratified to see a slight widening of the mare's eyes and a pursing of her lips. "I... believe I have. May I ask why you're looking for this pony, Miss...?"

"I'm Starshine Twinkle," Twilight lied, smiling in a way that was completely trustworthy and congenial and not at all nervous, "I just want to talk to this pony, that's all."

"So it isn't that important, then?" The earth pony lifted a hoof to adjust her glasses as she stared down at the disguised Princess.

"No, it's very important!" Twilight protested. "I can't divulge exactly why, but this pony may have information on a critical threat to all of Equestria!"

Well, that about tears it. The Princesses are on to us. Behind the subtle sneer of an earth pony bureaucrat, Swan Song's mind churned. She couldn't help but wonder exactly how much Canterlot's alicorn oligarchs knew about the mysterious simian-turned-pony, or if their only interest was in the MacGuffin Stone he carried.

"Well, I suppose if it's a matter of security, then it can't be helped," Swan Song sighed, "that stallion showed up just yesterday, traveling with a blue unicorn pony. I don't recall their names, and really only know about him because he and his traveling partner were questioned about some manner of magical altercation just outside of town."

"A fight? Is that was happened to the town hall and inn?" Spike asked.

"I couldn't say. That's why they were questioned," Swan said with a sniff, "however, the guards didn't learn anything useful, and there was no evidence to justify detaining them. The pair left almost immediately, heading South. That's all we know."

"That's great! Thank you!" Twilight said, quite pleased that she'd been given a heading. Spike began rolling up the poster, and Twilight started to turn away.

"Just a moment," Swan said, halting her, "if this is a matter of Equestrian security, then that suggests that this stallion is involved in something... unseemly. Is that the case? Might he be involved in the disturbances yesterday?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that!" Twilight said, shaking her head. "He may have information we need, but he's not a suspect himself! And as far as I know, there's no reason to think he might be blowing up buildings!" Twilight stopped, then looked up in thought. "At least, not on purpose. Which reminds me: if he were to come back for some reason, do not attempt to detain him, and under no circumstances should you attempt to use magic on him."

There was nothing false about Swan's confused blink at that statement. "Pardon? Why shouldn't we use magic on him?"

"He has a... condition. It's difficult to explain, because we don't know much about it. But most if not all magic spells seem to generate a randomized effect when used on him rather than the intended enchantment. So if you're going to be investigating him any further, just make sure to let the guards know."

Swan's eyes were wide now, and she was struck speechless. Luckily for her cover, the particular trait that Twilight was describing was entirely bizarre and unheard of enough that such disbelief was an expected response.

"Anyway, you've been a HUGE help! Thank you so much for your assistance!" Twilight grinned and her horn flashed, and a moment later the disguised Princess teleported away.

Swan Song continued staring forward, her expression frozen as her thoughts raced.

"... I think we have a problem."

Spike blinked his eyes rapidly as he and Twilight teleported into the middle of town, and then he poked his mount/guardian in the back of her neck. "Hey, 'Starshine'! You're trying to avoid attention, remember? Don't you think teleporting around town like it's no big deal is a little suspicious? I don't see a lot of other unicorns doing that!"

Twilight flinched. "Oh! Right. Good point. Thank you, Spi-er... wait, do we need to come up with a cover name for you, too?"

"I think we'll be fine," the young dragon deadpanned, "and while we're on the topic: Starshine Twinkle? Really?"

"What? It's a perfectly good cover name!" Twilight hissed. "Now be quiet! Somepony could overhear us!"

Spike duly let the matter go as Twilight trotted down the road toward the area that Luna said she was going to search for interviews. They spotted her almost immediatley, down the road, speaking to a jittery-looking earth pony stallion and looking quite concerned.

"And you say this 'Havoc' pony dispatched the guards with ease? Dreadful!" Luna said, a dark grimace upon her features.

"I'll say it was! I heard that this guy is some kind of conspirator against the throne! An actual rebel!" the stallion shuddered.

Luna nodded. "Most worrying. And you say he looked much like the stallion I seek, Saotome Ranma?"

"Yes'm."

"But his name was Havoc, not Saotome?" Luna pressed.

"That's right. In fact, I believe he specifically emphasized that his name was Havoc, and that anypony who thought he was Saotome was mistaking him for somepony else."

Luna nodded in satisfaction. "Indeed, that must be the case. The pony I seek is a noble warrior, not some rebel brigand. I am certain this is a matter of mistaken identity, as he supposed."

"Right," the stallion agreed, "although if he WAS actually a rebel brigand trying to hide from the law, it would certainly be in his interest to make a cover identity and pretend-"

"Hark!" Luna interrupted as she spotted Twilight and Spike running up to her. "My companion approaches! Thank you for your time and polite assistance, citizen! Good day!"

Luna walked away immediately, leaving the stallion to stutter a quick and bewildered farewell to her rear.

"There you are! We have a strong lead!" Twilight said, quickly closing with Luna to the point that she wouldn't have to shout. "I was told that Saotome arrived and left town yesterday. He was headed South with another pony."

"Success!" Luna could barely restrain herself from releasing the Canterlot voice after getting a direction within ten minutes of searching. Then she considered Twilight's statement. "A companion, you say?"

"Yes. I didn't get a name, but the pony I spoke to said he was with a blue unicorn. The town guards thought they might have been involved in a fight, but eventually let them go."

Luna nodded her head thoughtfully. That certainly didn't line up with the story about "Havoc's" encounter with the guards, so it seemed this was a real lead and not a case of mistaken identity. The presence of some unknown other unicorn was unexpected, but probably irrelevant; neither Blood Rite nor Swan Song were blue.

"Very well. Come! I will teleport us to the southern path! Some twenty miles should allow us to close the gap without overtaking our quarry!"

"Actually..." Twilight hesitated, giving a meaningful glance toward Spike, "we should probably head out of town before doing that. You know, so that nopony sees a pair of suspicious unicorns - one of whom is unusually tall for a mare - using extremely powerful long-range teleportation magic that would only be possible for a famous archmage."

"Ah... Yes. Absolutely." Luna quickly lowered her voice and then turned toward the town's southern exit. "Your wisdom is a considerable asset, Sparkle. You have my extensive gratitude for accompanying me."

Spike rolled his eyes.

"Also, as long as we're using disguises, I came up with the alias Starshine Twinkle," Twilight added as they headed toward the gate.

Luna raised an eyebrow. "... I suppose it will do," she mumbled, "if you must call me by name when others may hear, refer to me as Constantina."

"Now THAT'S a cool spy name," Spike said with a grin.

"Okay, first off: we're NOT spies," Twilight pointed out firmly, "second, a 'cool' cover identity draws MORE attention, not less. Mine is simple and unremarkable!"

"Unless somepony suspects something, in which case it makes it obvious it's you," Spike remarked.

"It is no matter," Luna interrupted before her companions could continue arguing, "we have accomplished our initial objective quickly and with discretion. Let us hurry! Saotome awaits!"

As the disguised mares and dragon rushed to the town gates, a shadowy figure watched from a clock tower near the corner of town.

Rite held a small telescope in front of him with his telekinesis, shielding himself from distant observers with a shroud of obscuring magic.

After the subjects of his gaze moved out of sight, the sorcerer closed his eyes. With a thought, he picked up the presence of the distant MacGuffin Stone to the Northwest.

Excellent. I still hold the advantage. But even so, this encounter was far too close for comfort. I need to recover the Stone and wash my hooves of this Calamity as soon as I possibly can.

Rite smirked at his own mental pun. It really was a little TOO appropriate a name for the creature that had initially been launched out of a magic gem and then inadvertently foiled his master plan.

The door behind him creaked open, and Rite confirmed that Swan Song was entering. She looked somewhat subdued, but he attributed that to her "cover character". "Excellent work, Swan Song. That should keep them from stumbling upon the MacGuffin Stone until we have it safe in hoof."

Swan Song chewed on her lip anxiously. "Ah... yeah..."

"But that doesn't reduce the urgency of our task," Rite admitted, turning around fully, "if the Princesses managed to figure out that Calamity passed through Saddlebrook, they may have a way to determine that their current heading is incorrect. We must recover the Stone without delay, and resolve the matter of the ape's lingering grudge against us!"

"Uhm..."

At hearing the hesitation in Swan's voice, Rite's eyes narrowed. "What is it? Are you going to refuse to change him back again?"

"No, no, it isn't that..." Swan said quickly. "It's just, uh... I talked to Princess Sparkle a little, and she said something about Calamity that's... interesting. And might completely ruin our plans."

Rite's ears swiveled forward and he leaned closer. "What? What's happened?"

"She said that he suffers from some kind of condition where magic doesn't affect him normally. Specifically, she said that when magic is used on him, it generates a random magical effect rather than the one intended." She cringed. "So, if, for example, I were to cast a reversal for my polymorph..."

"Please," Rite rolled his eyes and frowned at the mare, "is this the best excuse you could come up with for putting this off again? If magic doesn't work on him, then how did you polymorph him in the first place? If that spell hadn't worked as perfectly as it did, we probably wouldn't BE in this situation. And my magic missiles seemed to produce no unusual effects during our ambush on Princess Luna."

"True," Swan conceded, "but then, during that same battle, I tried to paralyze him, and instead he teleported away."

Rite blinked.

"And you remember that explosion from yesterday that almost knocked me out? I didn't mean to blow him-slash-her up; that was supposed to be another polymorph spell."

Rite's expression darkened.

"I don't know how this effect is supposed to work, and neither does Princess Sparkle, but she explicitly warned against using magic on him. And, well, seeing as she's the Element of Magic, it seems to me that she'd know what she's talking about."

Swan wilted as Rite's expression shifted some more, glaring at her.

"So, you're telling me that you can't even undo the spell you cast? Not that you won't, or that you shouldn't, but that you can't? That even if we submitted entirely to his demands and EVEN IF he gave us the MacGuffin Stone ahead of time to use as a focus, that somehow restoring his original form - our ONLY point of contention with this creature! - is completely beyond us?!"

"I'm not saying that!" Swan quickly clarified. "I'm just saying that I'd probably fail and just make things worse."

"Ah. Yes. A valid concern," Rite agreed in a voice that was far too calm and reasonable for Swan's taste. "Perhaps instead I could offer to let him TRAMPLE you for doing this to him! He might decide to give up on his vendetta against us after all! AND IT WOULD SAVE ME THE TROUBLE OF DOING IT MYSELF!!"

Swan cringed back from the enraged shout. "Well, if you're going to start considering that, we may as well go with my idea."

Rite's face turned a much brighter shade of red as he restrained himself from screaming again. "... Let's go. The task ahead has just became much more difficult."

"You remember what my idea was, right? I'd be willing to go with him in exchange for the Stone! If he can be turned into a mare, maybe he can be changed back, even with the crazy magic-futzing thing! I know you're all progressive and stuff, and that's great, but in this case I'm really-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, SHUT UP!!"

It was not until after dusk that Trixie decided to stop and make camp. Stop lecturing Ranma about magic, that is. Even having hauled the magician and her possessions for fourteen hours straight, Ranma was quite impressed at Trixie's ability to talk about herself and her main topic of interest for the majority of the same time period.

To her credit, at least she made it interesting. Ranma hadn't zoned out or managed to change the topic at any point, so he had officially learned more about magic during a single day of wilderness traveling with Trixie than he had in the entire rest of his life being subjected to enchantments and curses. He idly wondered what the magician would have to say about some of the supernatural beings and effects he'd seen back on Earth.

"All right, go gather some wood for a fire while Trixie clears out some sleeping space," Trixie ordered, tapping the edge of the cart with her hoof.

"Do you want me to cook tonight?" Ranma asked while freeing himself from the wagon harness.

This caught Trixie off-guard, and she hesitated. "... You can cook?"

"Sure. Well, I mean, I used to be able to, at least," he cast yet another regretful look at his hooves, "but I can still give it a shot."

"But can you cook pony food? You're not going to go grind up a bunch of pigs and feed them to Trixie, are you?" she asked suspiciously.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Ranma assured her, "don't worry. I can work with veggies. They're a lot cheaper than meat, so most of the time I survived on them two or three meals a day."

The unicorn stared at her employee, weighing the options in her head.

"Well, if you want to try, Trixie supposes it does no harm to give you a chance," she allowed, "and certainly Trixie would feel better about having you around the more work you do. Now go get the firewood."

"Sure thing! Thanks, Trix!"

Some hundred feet away, sheltered from view of the clearing by the tree line, Rite and Swan Song sat around a crystal ball. Rite powered the scrying tool with his magic, displaying a top-down image of the clearing ahead of them and the two occupants who were setting up camp for the night. The small gray-colored blob - crystal balls didn't offer spectacular image resolution, unfortunately - moved toward the forest as the little blue and purple blob started digging about in the wagon.

"They've separated," Rite said, "if we're going to confront our target, now is the time."

"Why do we need them to be separated, again?" Swan asked. "Didn't you say that the unicorn is no real threat?"

"I said that she isn't dangerous," Rite corrected, "or at least, she isn't dangerous in the same way you are. That doesn't mean that she can't interfere, however. During our last attempt she ruined the retrieval just by being there and having inconveniently stereotypical taste in magic accessories. And let's not forget that Calamity apparently takes orders from her. Given that Miss Great and Powerful Something-or-other seemed very interested in our plans when we met her last, she's probably not as disinterested in Equestria's fate as the ape might be."

Swan stared away through the tree branches, looking as nervous as Rite had ever seen her. "So, what do we do when we meet him? I mean, her?"

"Assuming Calamity doesn't take your head off on sight, we're going to move ahead as we'd originally planned," Rite said grimly.

Swan looked alarmed, both at the prospect of using their original strategy and at the implication that she was going first. "But Mister Rite, chances are my trying to cure her will only hurt her!"

"Yes. And if that's the case, then so be it. If she explodes or suffers some other harmful effect, then keep on casting it and keep the ape off-balance. I will use the diversion to launch a surprise attack. We may be forced to finish Calamity off for good." Rite's horn glowed brighter, and the view in the crystal ball zoomed out further to give an even wider view of the area.

He stopped talking, and his eyes narrowed at the image. "Hmm... when you meet Calamity, you'll need to convince her not to attack right away, obviously. I'm not confident we can win an even fight." The sorcerer floated a sheet of parchment and an ink quill from his pack and then quickly started writing. "Read this to her when you confront her. I think it may go some way to disarming her hostility." Rite floated the parchment over to his assistant. "Here. Look it over before we proceed."

Swan Song took control of the magical levitation field around the note, tugging it down to a more comfortable reading level.

Do not read this message aloud. There are at least three other ponies stalking us at my three and six o'clock. Likely Lunar Guard. Prepare to strike the opponent to our rear. I will fight off the attacker on our flank and prepare a defensive enchantment. Don't hold back.

Swan scrunched up her nose. "Uh... in what context is this supposed to make sense to her? Is it some kind of double-ruse? Are you going to create decoys, or..." she met Rite's eyes, and then trailed off as he glared at her. She glanced back at the message.

Her eyes widened. "Oh. OH! Okay, sure." The parchment fell from the air as her levitation magic faded, but her horn flared even brighter as she turned around. "Flare beam!"

A screaming lance of hot yellow blasted through the forest, setting bushes ablaze and burning scorched holes through the many tree trunks in its path.

It also generated quite a bit of light, which made the Lunar Guard jumping away in a panic far more visible for a follow-up spell.

"Luna's wings! What the hay?!" the stallion shouted as he took to the air. His fur was dark, and he wore dirty blue mail to help him hide in the forest shadows. "We've been spotted!"

"Ugh, I hate batponies. Stupid flying rodents," Swan Song spat while her horn sparked again. "White wing!"

Swirling arcs of magic coalesced around the sorceress's horn in a miniature cyclone, and then blasted away in all directions. Thin, curved blades of magically propelled air whipped through the trees in a wide spread, ripping apart branches and sending the batpony scrambling for altitude.

On the other side of the sorceress, Rite was engaging his own target in a much more subtle manner. His horn wove threads of magic together and placed them between the trees, stretched into glittering, almost invisible traps like spider webs.

Rite had no idea why Swan Song chose to shout out the name of her spells when she cast them; her magic didn't require any verbal component, and he considered it a serious tactical error to give your opponent a clue to what kind of spell you were using before it even left your horn. He had to admit, though, that it rather suited her brute-force approach to sorcery, and also complemented his own magic. In that she provided an excellent diversion.

Sure enough, a batpony came gliding through the trees with a throwing blade clenched in her teeth, focused entirely on the green unicorn shredding apart the forest. It's possible she didn't even see Rite, and even if she had, it probably wouldn't have helped her avoid the magic trigger.

The moment the mare touched the threads of the spell, a tremendous jolt of electricity burst around her. The Lunar Guard screamed and tumbled to the ground, smoldering, and a batpony stallion following behind her stopped short in surprise and confusion.

Rite didn't give him a chance to get his bearings. With another flash of magic, a ghostly green hand like a griffon's talons appeared and shot toward the soldier. The Lunar Guard dodged well enough to avoid being grabbed, but his wing was grazed by the razor-like claws and he dropped down into a rough landing.

"Rebel scum!" The batpony snarled as he hit the ground, snapping his head toward Rite. He was still up and mobile, although his wing was twitching painfully.

"Worthless pawn," Rite retorted calmly, a magic circle flickering into view on the ground around him.

Chains of bright red metal erupted from the dirt around the sorcerer, shooting toward the grounded batpony in long, chaotic arcs. The soldier managed to dodge away at first, leaping aside and gaining extra clearance with a flap of his good wing. When he bolted for the unicorn stallion, however, the chains simply whipped to the side and entangled his legs. The batpony lost his mobility immediately, and was then slammed hard into a tree.

"This will only hurt a moment," Rite assured him darkly as the clanking metal tendrils wound tighter around his limbs and snaked up toward his neck.

A trio of throwing knives suddenly cut downward through the air, catching Rite off-guard and interrupting his control of the spell. All three plunged into his cloak on his right side; one in each leg, and another at his neck. Rite whinnied in surprise and pain, and then staggered, falling on his side.

Shade Stalker dropped down next to the sorcerer, almost seeming to appear from nowhere amongst the shadows of the forest. "Gloomy! You still active?"

"I'm okay! Just... rrgh! Gimme a minute!" the entangled soldier grunted as he thrashed and squirmed against the magical chains around him.

The pained shout of another Lunar Guard smashing into the ground informed the soldiers that Swan Song had finally landed a good hit on her own target. The green unicorn whirled around, her horn blazing and an unsettling smile on her face.

"Ah, of course there's more of you. Rodents are like that," she mused to herself.

"Don't take another step, mule," Shade Stalker snarled, planting a hoof on Rite's side, "your friend here is badly wounded. You surrender, and I'll make sure you both get to live long enough to explain your crimes to a court. Your choice, rebel."

Swan Song laughed, much to the batpony's fury. "Are you being serious right now? YOU'RE threatening US?"

"I'm threatening YOU," Shade corrected, "Mister 'Blood' here didn't get the benefit of a threat first. If you don't give up, he'll die."

Swan snorted. "No, he won't." Then she winked. "Nighty-night, rodent."

The flare of light and burst of force that came from Rite's horn was almost instantaneous, blasting Shade Stalker away before she had any hope of reacting. Had she been paying close attention to the fallen unicorn's horn, she might have seen a few subtle sparks of magic building around it in plenty of time to act, but Swan Song had completely occupied the soldier's attention.

Shade slammed into a tree wing-first, sending jolts of pain up her spine before she bounced off onto the dirt. She didn't think she broke anything, but she definitely wasn't going to be flying anymore tonight, if nothing else.

Rite grunted as he stood up, his horn pulsing gently. Trickles of blood came from the three small holes in his cloak, but it was obvious that the knives that had struck him had barely managed to inflict flesh wounds. His falling over had been a complete ruse.

"Wh-What? No way!" Shade Stalker coughed painfully and struggled to stand. "I HAD you! All direct hits! How-"

"Magic cloak, obviously," Rite said simply, looking over the garment, "frankly, I'm impressed your blades penetrated at all. It's a good thing your mind isn't as sharp as your weapons, otherwise you would have stood a chance. Maybe." His horn flashed again, and Shade was slammed more firmly into the ground, her knees buckling.

Then Rite glanced toward the other batpony on the ground, and the crimson chains constricting him tightened and looped around his legs. The Lunar Guard screeched in anger and frustration, but was utterly helpless to assist his squad leader.

"Now, then. I have some questions for you, unless you'd rather us force the answers out using magic," Rite said to Shade Stalker, "I'm fine with either, but you might not like just anypony looking at your innermost secrets, you know?"

"Dang, you guys dig around in people's memories? That's super sketchy," Ranma commented.

"Trixie is hoping she talks. It's strange to see a pair of Lunar Guard patrolling rural areas like this, and Trixie wonders what's going on."

Rite and Swan stared silently at Shade, and then slowly turned their heads around.

Ranma was standing just behind them, already within kicking distance, and looking generally non-plussed. And also male again, apparently. Trixie was standing a ways behind him, her horn glowing softly and an insufferable smirk on her face.

"I wish you'd stop doing this," Rite said, sighing.

"And I wish you'd curl up and die," the martial artist retorted. "I wonder which wish will come true first?"

Swan's jaw fell open, and then slowly curled up into a smile. "You... You're... You're a stallion again?!" she said, almost squealing with joy.

"Swan Song!" Rite snapped. His assistant sorceress quickly schooled her features, although there was bright cheerfullness in her eyes that was completely inappropriate for their situation. With a tired groan, Rite turned to address Ranma again. "All right, now, I know this looks bad, but we're not here to fight!"

"Coulda fooled me," Ranma mumbled, glancing behind him. Smoldering bushes dotted a scorched trench through the forest, and dozens of trees had been ripped apart from Swan Song's wild magic.

"Okay, well, yes... things have not gone entirely to plan, obviously," Rite said nervously, his eyes darting over to the Lunar Guard, "but if you'll just give me a moment to dispatch this interloper-"

"The moment your horn lights up, you're eating bark," Ranma snapped, his eyes narrowing, "the only reason I haven't put your face through a tree already is because I don't really know what's going on, here." He leaned to the side in order to get a better look at the struggling batpony. "Speaking of which, what's your deal?"

"You... You rebel mules won't get away with this..." Shade growled as she pushed herself to her hooves, dismissing Ranma's question. "The Princess... of the Night... will have all your heads!"

Ranma frowned. "Even mine?"

"ESPECIALLY YOURS!" Shade snapped.

"Why? What did I do?" Ranma demanded, looking offended.

"Various crimes against the throne, including but not limited to arson, breaking and entering, assault of a public official, resisting arrest, and the attempted assassination of an Equestrian Princess!" the soldier answered. Rite and Swan both raised eyebrows, surprised and impressed by the list of charges.

"I was framed!" Ranma insisted. "I never attacked any Princess!"

The other equines waited silently, staring at him.

"And... uh... it wasn't TECHNICALLY arson!" Ranma continued somewhat hesitantly. "It was an accident!"

"... What about the other charges?" Rite asked.

"Er... look, I had my reasons, all right? I didn't do anything wrong! It just... kind of LOOKS like I did!" Ranma was sweating nervously by this point, and Trixie rolled her eyes.

"Save your excuses for the magistrate, rebel scum!" Shade Stalker hissed. "You'll all pay for your crimes against Equestria!"

Only got one chance, with the shape I'm in... I doubt it will work, but I don't really have a lot of options, here. Shade Stalker grimaced.

"What about Trixie?" Trixie asked, raising her leg.

The batpony paused, craning her head up to get a better look at the magician. "Well... we don't actually have anything on any 'Trixie'. Whoever that is. She can probably go free after some questioning, I guess. Anyway, I'm going to hurt you all now." Her good wing snapped down to rear leg, pressing into something in her armor.

Rite's horn flashed the instant Shade started to move. Ranma started moving an instant after that, and was much faster. Rite's vision exploded into stars as Ranma hammered a hoof into his head, and it wasn't thanks to any magic. The unicorn stallion sailed through the air, slammed into a tree, and then collapsed into a heap.

"What did I say?! I WARNED you, man!" Ranma said, scowling.

Swan Song yelped, her fur standing on end. The Lunar Guard had removed some kind of glowing yellow gem with her wing, but Swan was quite reasonably concerned that she'd be knocked out the moment she tried to do something about it. "H-Hey! We've kind of got a situation, here! How about we put aside our differences and work together, huh? Or, like, not hit each other, at least?"

Ranma hesitated, looking over at the batpony. The gem clasped in the tip of her wing had surrounded the armored mare with a silver light, which honestly did look like the most dangerous thing happening right now. Of course, his only real interest in this whole scuffle was to get Swan Song to change him back, which wouldn't be well-served by retreating or letting the sorcerers be captured. "Ah, damn it! Trix! What do I do?!"

Trixie frowned. "Trixie would have to advise we stay out of this, actually. Trixie doesn't fancy getting on the Lunar Guard's bad side, or doing their job for them."

"Well, it's a little late for that now, isn't it?!" Ranma complained.

"Hey, you're the one who started laying down ultimatums and smacking ponies around," Trixie retorted, sticking her muzzle up in the air, "if you would have consulted Trixie ahead of time, perhaps this wouldn't have happened."

A tremendous pulse of magical energy washed over the ponies still standing, and Swan Song almost lost her footing. The brilliant corona around Shade Stalker started expanding, obscuring the transformation occurring within the coccoon of light. Pieces of her armor plating tumbled into the dirt, broken at the joints and seams.

"Listen! That's a Lunar Lycanstone! It's a special weapon the Lunar Guard elites use in dire emergencies!" Swan Song shouted. The waves of power thrummed around her, and her mane whipped about around her face from the air currents. "We only have a few more seconds to stop her before it finishes activating!"

"What happens then?" Ranma asked.

The silver aura broke, blasting apart in burst of twinkling lights. Where before there had been a batpony mare, there was now a bestial bat-monster at least thrice a pony's size. Its wings were thick and covered in sharp horns of bone, while what had previously been hooves were morphed into taloned claws. The mare's entire body was covered with thick, tangled black hair, and her eyes glowed a furious crimson as they met Ranma's surprised gaze.

"This. This happens then," Swan mumbled, her ears flipping down.

The horrendous shriek that came from the transformed batpony sent Ranma's vision spinning, and for a moment all of his senses were thrown completely out of whack. Then Shade Stalker pounced, darting directly toward Ranma and smashing him aside with a monstrous fist.

"Whoa! Hey! Leave us alone!" Trixie yelped, stumbling away as her bodyguard went bouncing across the forest floor. "They're your enemy, not us!"

"You can't reason with her!" Swan shouted, swaying dizzily from the initial sonic attack. "She has the mind of a beast in this state! Not that she was exactly receptive to reason before!"

Shade turned her head toward Trixie, who froze under the soldier's blood-red gaze.

Luckily for her, Ranma was already back on his hooves and more annoyed than ever. "What the HELL was that about?! Why are you going right for me?! Attack the guy on the ground or something!" He snapped.

Shade spun on Ranma again, the spines on her wings quivering. The beast's tail - a barbed, fleshy whip that lashed about violently behind her - ripped through an adjacent tree trunk with the motion, carving an impressive gouge into the wood.

"I think she's focusing on the most serious threat! It's instinctual!" Swan shouted while slowly creeping toward Rite. "You should be flattered, really!"

Shade launched forward again, leaping up with a flap of her wings before stabbing her claws down toward Ranma's head.

Ranma surprised her by leaping up to meet her rather than retreating, speeding past the extended talons and slamming directly into the bat monster's chest. He kicked off in an instant, zipping back to the ground while Shade was sent spinning through the air. She tried to steady herself with her wings, but couldn't get her bearings before crashing into a tree and then dropping down onto her side.

"Fine! You wanna go? Come at me, furball!" Ranma growled, stamping a hoof into the dirt. The transformed Lunar Guard surged upright, trembling with animalistic rage.

Trixie, who had retreated to a fairly safe distance, groaned and slapped a hoof to her forehead. "You see? You see this?! This is what Trixie was talking about! We have better things to do than brutalize more hapless defenders of public order!"

"Defenders of public order?! They're a bunch of sketchy-looking bat-creatures skulking around a forest at night!" Ranma retorted, leaping over a wing slashing for his legs. "What part of that says 'defender of public order' to you?" Shade tried to bite at him once he touched down, but only got kicked in the nose for her effort. The transformed soldier staggered back, snarling.

"The Lunar Guard have an unusual modus operandi, true, but that is irrelevant to Trixie's point!" the magician chided. Shade and Ranma started circling each other, growling. "This is their problem, not ours!"

To emphasize her point, Trixie moved to point a leg at Swan Song. When she located the other unicorn, however, she saw the sorceress was lifting Rite up onto her back. "Hey! Where do you think you're going?! Come back here and fix this!"

"Nuh-uh!" Swan protested while settling her employer on her back. "We had this under control until you interfered! You deal with it!"

A meaty thump came from behind her, and Swan jumped as Shade's hefty body bounced across the ground nearby.

"Just fall down already, jackass! I have more important ponies to beat up!" Ranma shouted.

Shade Stalker rolled upright immediately, and then released another ear-piercing shriek before charging once more. The sonic blast felt like a needle punching through his skull, but this time Ranma held his focus. He met the bat monster's charge head-on, leaping into the air and then twisting into a vicious back kick on the beast's face. Shade Stalker shrieked even louder than before as her jaw fractured, and she dropped to the ground in pain.

Swan Song sighed dreamily, completely entranced by the sight of the stallion savaging the transformed batpony. "What a stud..."

"Ggghmmn..." groaned Rite.

"Right. Sorry. Fleeing now." Swan winced and started galloping away, using her levitation to keep the stallion on her back steady.

She almost tripped, however, when her hoof caught on something hard and heavy. Glancing down, she saw that there was a loose chain lying on the ground. A bright red chain, oddly enough.

"Oh, fireballs. The other one got away," Swan Song cursed while kicking the chain to the side. Then she raced into the forest once more, quietly praying to herself that the other ponies were too preoccupied to follow.

Were Shade Stalker in any sort of rational state of mind, she would have deeply resented being used as a diversion. Needless to say, letting the sorcerers escape had not been the intended outcome of her using the Lycanstone. She hadn't anticipated that the only non-unicorn in the group she was attacking was capable of fending her off long enough for the rebels to get away.

The idea that the earth pony could actually BEAT her in her magic-fueled, berserk state was entirely beyond possibility, of course. It was the sort of thing that would have prompted some important tactical questions as her snout was smashed into the dirt for the third or fourth time.

"SCREEEEEEEE!!" Shade beat her wings at the ground around her, lashing out wildly in a desperate rage. Ranma timed his approach easily to avoid the piercing spines as she lifted off, and then flip-kicked the warrior beast into another tree.

"Geez, how many hits can this freak take?" Ranma complained as his opponent got up again for another charge. "She's not THAT big!"

"She probably has some sort of magical regeneration," Trixie explained, "Trixie doesn't know about the particular effects of this 'Lycanstone', but that would explain why her wing recovered when she changed."

Ranma again met the transformed pony head-on, darting around a swipe of her talons and slamming a hoof into her face again. The beast jumped back from the blow, and then released another ear-rending screech that nearly blew the martial artist over.

"OW! Quit screaming at me! IT HURTS!!" Ranma complained. His form seemed to split into two flickering images, and before Shade could comprehend what was happening, he reappeared under her and jabbed her hard in the throat.

Shade flinched backward, gasping soundlessly, and then her opponent struck her in the side of the head with a spin-kick that sent her rolling across the dirt again.

"Okay, maybe that will shut her up for a little bit," the martial artist grumbled. "Hey, Trix! Do you have any ideas on how to beat this thing?"

Trixie arched an eyebrow. "Trixie's idea was to not fight it in the first place, remember? Besides, from where Trixie is standing, you look like you're doing fine."

"Well, yeah, obviously, but this is taking way too long!" Shade Stalker was up again, hissing through her damaged throat while her wings carried her up into a hover. "Its aura isn't strong enough for the hiryuu shouten haa! If I have to just keep pummeling it endlessly, this is going to take all night! I haven't even had dinner yet!"

Trixie sighed while her bodyguard and the Lunar Guard clashed again, once again resulting in a deep furrow being carved through the forest with the monster's body. "Well, let's see... does she still have that gem?"

Ranma hesitated, glancing back at his traveling companion. "Gem?"

"That Lunar jewel that she used to transform in the first place. Did she drop it? Did it disappear?" Trixie clarified. "The only thing keeping her fighting at this point is magical power, and that power has to come from somewhere, so either she's still being powered by the Lycanstone or this transformation is on a strict time limit. Does she still have it?"

The pigtailed pony furrowed his brow. "Huh. I dunno. Let's see."

Ranma barreled into Shade Stalker as she prepared for another ill-fated charge, body-slamming her into the ground. Then he pinned the creature's left wing with a leg, holding down the spine-riddled appendage to observe it more closely.

Sure enough, at the very end of the wing was a cluster of curved bone claws that were clenched together, like fingers grasping something tightly. Ranma hammered the wing hard, and the claws twitched open just enough to drop something shiny onto the ground.

"Got it!" Ranma proclaimed, just before Shade smashed him aside.

Rather than leaping after the martial artist, however, she started whipping her head about and pawing at the ground, searching desperately for the Lycanstone. Despite whatever distinct lack of rational thought sent her leaping directly into Ranma's kicks, she at least seemed to recognize that she needed the magic jewel to keep fighting.

Ranma jumped back up and dashed for the bat monster's tail. "Oh, no you don't!" He shouted, biting onto the spiny lash and swinging Shade to the side. Shade Stalker snarled and kicked behind her, trying to dislodge the earth pony.

Trixie sighed as the two fighters wrestled, kicking up clouds of dust and snarling angrily at each other. "What a waste of time. Like Trixie doesn't have anything better to do," she grumbled as her horn began to glow.

"Back off, furball! You've already screwed up your ambush or whatever!" Ranma shouted. He was on Shade's back, wrestling the larger beast into the dirt, and he wrapped his forelegs around her neck.

Shade Stalker thrashed ever more wildly as her magic faded; the batpony's bone spines were already receding into her skin, and she was beginning to shrink. Unable to shake off the stubborn stallion, she took a deep breath and shrieked as loud as she could.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEK!!"

"Aa-aa-aaaaaah!" Ranma's entire body contorted with pain, and his vision turned blurry. A moment later he was successfully flung onto the ground, and the transformed soldier again started searching for her gem.

"Damn it, I thought I stopped that!" Ranma complained, pressing his forehooves against his skull. "It's like someone shoved a spike in my ear! That's not FAIR!"

Shade Stalker was, predictably, not terribly concerned about Ranma's discomfort. Her form was shrinking fast, and a haze of confusion was settling over her thoughts as her mind slowly shifted from magical berserk rage to post-combat exaustion. Her head snapped left and right in search of her artifact, immediately fixing on the first point of golden light she saw.

Hissing angrily, Shade sprinted for the open patch of dirt with the Lycanstone laying in the middle of it. Such was her desperation and haste that she didn't notice that there appeared to be the upper half of a tree inexplicably floating over the gem.

Trixie snickered to herself as the monstrous batpony broke through her magic mirror, instantly smashing her head against the tree trunk behind it.

Shade Stalker stumbled backward, her eyes spinning in her head and blood dripping from her mouth and muzzle. She had finished reverting entirely to her normal form, and the full brunt of her new injury combined with a sudden dearth of energy to leave her on the brink of unconsciousness.

"The night... will... will not... ugh..." she collapsed onto the ground, unconscious.

"And that is THAT," Trixie said, sitting down and dusting off her forehooves. A ghostly flicker from her horn dispelled a second magic mirror that was obscuring the Lunar Lycanstone, and she levitated the gem to her before slipping it under her hat.

Ranma trudged past the comatose batpony, glaring at her. "Dumb creepy night horses, sneaking around and turning into monsters," he grumbled. Even if the battle had been largely one-sided, the martial artist still bore several shallow cuts from the wild slashes and many sharp spines of his opponent. "Are you SURE these lunatics are supposed to be the good guys?"

"I wouldn't be talking, Mister Princess Assassin," Trixie retorted. As Ranma passed by her she turned to follow him back to their camp site. "I hope you don't expect Trixie to save you ALL the time. You're supposed to be fighting to protect Trixie, not the other way around."

"Aw, lay off, Trix. Bad enough I had to fight that freak, but Rite and Swan Song got away AGAIN!" Ranma grumbled.

"Yes, they did. Trixie is starting to notice a pattern," Trixie mused, "at the very least, though, it's nice to know the authorities aren't COMPLETELY focused on hunting you down when there are actual violent rebels about."

"That isn't nice to know at all!" Ranma insisted. "How are they going to turn me back into a human if they're trapped inside a jail cell?"

"Trixie is sure you'd work something out," she smirked, "maybe you can turn yourself in and then break them out from inside the dungeon. Or even force them to change you back and then break out yourself and leave them there."

"Well, that wouldn't..." Ranma trailed off, tilting his head to the side. "... Huh. Actually, that's a pretty good idea. I mean, I hope I don't have to do that, but I totally could. You're good at this sort of thing, Trix."

"Trixie is a genius," the unicorn said smugly, "although, as it pertains to Trixie's brilliant ideas that are completely and patently illegal, Trixie would appreciate not being credited. Trixie is already finding herself an accessory to far too many crimes recently." She frowned. "And Trixie DETESTS being described as 'an accessory'."

Ranma chuckled. "Sounds fair to me. Let's go eat!"

Spike stirred the pot of stew he was tending slowly, and then pulled up the ladle he was using. Steaming vegetables bobbed to the surface of the thick, bubbling broth, and he gingerly plucked a chunk of potato from the ladle before popping it in his mouth.

"Hmm... a few more minutes," the young dragon decided aloud, dropping the ladle back into the cooking pot.

Behind Spike, Twilight was already tucked into a sleeping bag and reading a book laid onto a pillow. She was still disguised as a unicorn, as was Luna on the opposite side of the camp fire; it was reasoned that they couldn't predict when somepony might stumble upon them, and thus wanted to be ready to keep to their cover identities rather than try to explain why two Equestrian Princesses were camping out in the wilds.

Luna was sitting facing away from the camp and looking up at the stars. She had already raised the moon long ago, but seemed to have fallen into some kind of trance while staring up at the sky. Her horn was glowing, so Spike assumed she was doing some sort of high-level alicorn magic or something that was completely out of his depth. Twilight certainly didn't seem concerned about it.

"So, what's the next stop on tracking down this stallion?" Spike asked, putting aside the ladle.

Twilight levitated a map up next to her, turning away from her novel.

"Hard to say. The roads branch out a lot going South, so he could be headed to Ponannesburg if he's just trying to reach the nearest town. If he turns East, though, he could be heading toward a major city. We should probably try to beat him to the-"

A snapping branch came from the darkened woods around them, and Twilight leapt to her feet, horn blazing.

"Who's there?! Show yourself!" the purple alicorn shouted. Spike flinched back, impressed and slightly frightened by her speed. It seemed Twilight was more on edge than he thought. Luna blinked her eyes sleepily, shaking her head to clear it.

Some rustling came from the woods, and Twilight and Spike both oriented on the noise. Luna, either because she was still a bit dazed or because she simply didn't feel as threatened, just yawned.

When the intruder stumbled out of the forest and into the light of the camp fire, however, the Princess of the Night became far more attentive.

"A batpony?" Twilight gasped. "Are you with the Lunar Guard?"

A batpony stallion was trudging toward the camp fire, looking on the verge of passing out. His wing was clearly injured, his helmet was missing, and the dark purple peytral that identified him as one of Luna's soldiers was dented and scratched.

"What is the meaning of this? What's happened?!" Luna demanded, leaping to her feet. Only when her body resisted the reflex to spread her wings did she remember that she was still disguised.

The batpony's breath heaved, and once he could feel the warmth of the cook fire he allowed himself to stumble onto the ground. "My name... is Gloom Guard... I... I need you... to pass... message..." he had clearly been sprinting despite his injuries, which was the only way to cover substantial ground so long as he couldn't fly.

"O-Okay. Pass it on to whom?" Twilight asked nervously.

Gloom took a deep breath, his eyelids fluttering. "The town guard... they can get it... to... Princess... Luna..."

Spike and Twilight arched their eyebrows, looking over to the aforementioned pony.

"Very well," said Luna, raising her head high, "speak, warrior. I will ensure your Princess hears your words."

Twilight was sorely tempted to remind Luna not to speak like high nobility when they were in disguise, but the exhausted Lunar Guard clearly didn't notice. "Saotome sighted... heading W-West... toward Coltson..."

Both Princesses gasped, while Spike frowned at the map Twilight had been going over before. He was pretty sure that wasn't where they were headed.

"But how? Did he double back? Blast! We've been led astray!" Luna declared through clenched teeth.

She then became aware that Gloom was staring at her oddly. He was almost certainly wondering how it was that the ponies he had randomly stumbled upon were apparently searching for the same target he was. Then the batpony started coughing, helpfully distracting him from the troublesome thoughts.

"Not done... Blood... Blood Rite... is also there," Gloom gasped out, "I think... they may be f-fighting each other... don't know... who won..."

Twilight gasped again, but Luna's eyes narrowed into slits. "Is that all, warrior?"

"Yes... thank...... you......" Gloom Guard's eyes finally closed, and his body relaxed as he finally passed out.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Spike asked, cringing and pointing to the stallion.

"Aye, he is merely asleep. The Lunar Guard are of resilient stock," Luna assured her companions. She levitated a blanket from her pack and swept it over the slumbering pony. "He merely needs rest. Upon tomorrow's dusk, I'm sure he will awake and carry on the message himself, but protocol demanded he make every effort to pass on his warning tonight." Her jaw tightened. "And so he has."

"This doesn't make any sense. How did Saotome get onto the West road?" Twilight mumbled, scratching her head. "I was told the guards saw him go South!"

"Maybe it's that Blood Rite guy?" Spike ventured. "If he's chasing Saotome, maybe he and this other unicorn are trying to lose him."

"Plausible. Unfortunate, but plausible," Luna decided. She looked back down at Gloom Guard. "I do not know why the Lunar Guard came upon Saotome as they did, but the situation may be more dire than we had anticipated."

"Yeah, okay, about that," Twilight interrupted, "now that Blood Rite and Swan Song are almost certainly going to be nearby, don't you think pursuing Saotome might contradict Princess Celestia's orders?"

Luna and Spike turned to look at her with faces of utter exasperation.

"Are you STILL on about that?" Luna asked, annoyed.

"Give it a rest, Twi. Why would we go back now?" Spike agreed.

"But... But Celestia said-"

"I am aware what Sister said, and continue to insist that she is wrong," Luna said adamantly, "these rebels seek to overthrow us, Sparkle, and yet they roam the countryside at will hunting innocent ponies!" She beckoned to the unconscious Lunar Guard. "THIS is the result of Sister's restraint, well-intentioned though it is! We cannot cede the field to these sorcerers out of fear of a power they may not even possess! If we can locate and remove this threat to Equestria while finding Saotome, then I say all the better!"

Twilight pressed a hoof to her face in frustration. "Princess, it's not that I really disagree with you, but... I can't just ignore Princess Celestia like that! We need to consult with her first!"

"I will not," Luna said firmly, pounding a hoof into the dirt. "If you insist upon turning back, I will issue no further complaints. But I will proceed with or without your support. Every moment we spend allaying Sister's fears is one moment more for Blood Rite to advance his plans. I will gladly risk capture once more to deny him that chance!"

"But, you... I mean, he can't... we don't know..." Twilight trembled in frustration as her thoughts raced. While Luna seemed perfectly resolute in her decision to continue, the younger alicorn couldn't honestly claim she wasn't conflicted about turning back. "GAH! Spike! Would you say something to her?" she asked desperately.

Spike sipped from a ladle full of stew. "Supper's ready. Do we wanna eat before we head up toward Coltson? I get the feeling you don't want to go to bed and then continue tomorrow."

Twilight slumped onto the ground, defeated. "You're both terrible."

"So... is that a yes?" the dragon asked.

"Indeed it is, Spike," Luna said with a determined smile, "we feast, and then we march! To Coltson!"

Author's Note

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria, assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (two counts), vandalism (multiple counts), resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, assaulting a soldier of Equestria, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice, high treason, conspiracy to rebellion.

I apologize sincerely* if any of my "lessons" on magic are contradicted by canon or any of my reader's personal headcanon.

*Although I'm not sorry at all.

Meeting Again, For the First Time

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 8

Meeting Again, for the First Time

Princess Celestia frowned delicately as she stared at the empty seat across the dining room table.

It was breakfast time in Canterlot Castle, and normally the best time of the day for Celestia to converse with her younger sister about affairs of state or just make small talk. Barring those unusual incidents and appointments which prompted Luna to stay up during the day, the Lunar Princess obviously spent most of the daylight sleeping, with but a few hours before dusk and after dawn to mingle with those whom didn't consider themselves nocturnal. Ostensibly this meant that they could meet during the evening, when Celestia had supper, but in practice the white Princess either took her dinner in her office, while working, or was otherwise too tired or distracted by the day's events to enjoy a simple conversation with her sister. Luna's Night Court never seemed to inflict the same toll on the dark Princess, so breakfast had become the habitual time for sisterly bonding and discussions between the diarchs.

But now Luna had been absent for the second morning in a row, confined to her quarters with an apologetic message that she could not attend her usual morning rituals. Celestia was rather put out and slightly worried, but could offer no serious complaint so long as the moon rose and fell on schedule. Really, she wouldn't be so concerned if she at least had a specific reason, but Luna had only offered some vague mention of "Lunar Guard business".

I suppose it's good that she's helping deal with Blood Rite. The faster we can put this little "rebellion" to rest, the better, Celestia thought to herself. Even that much made her queasy, however. She fervently hoped that Rite would be contained, subdued, and transferred to Canterlot by ordinary guards or soldiers before Luna could confront him. Celestia was uncomfortably familiar with her little sister's fury, although she wasn't sure that Luna sought revenge against Rite. There really was no telling what Luna would do if she got a hold of the sorcerer before he was properly sentenced and imprisoned.

"Breakfast for one today, hm?" Celestia's mustachioed assistant Kibitz strolled into the dining hall, a rolled-up newspaper hovering above him. A line of pony maids followed, each of them bearing a portion of Celestia's meal upon a silver dish.

"Luna has been very busy, lately. I'm sure she's taking her breakfast in her room," Celestia said, levitating a cup of steaming tea to her muzzle. "Or her supper, rather."

"Of course. Dark times, these," Kibitz mused while unfurling the newspaper and looking at the headlines. The other ponies started laying out the food, placing the platters down and then offering the Princess a humble bow before heading back out of the room. "It seems that the press has jumped on the story of Princess Luna's encounter, as expected." He tilted his head respectfully and then laid the newspaper down next to Celestia's plate.

As the Princess of the Sun sipped her tea and levitated other components of her breakfast over to her plate, her eyes scanned over to the newspaper headline. "Princess Luna Attacked!" and "Conspiracy Against the Throne!" were printed at the top, and clusters of opinion pieces and interviews filled the page below (and presumably the bulk of the paper's content). At the bottom were a collection of three pictures, featuring a scowling Blood Rite, a smirking Swan Song, and...

Celestia suddenly spat out her tea, spraying it across the greater part of the long dining table. Kibitz recoiled, startled, and then he watched all of the food surrounded by Celestia's golden aura drop onto the table at once, freed from her magic. "P-Princess?! What's the matter?"

Celestia lifted the paper right up in front of her, and her eyes narrowed. "... Havoc? The third pony's name is 'Havoc'?" She asked incredulously. Celestia knew the image of the third 'conspirator'. Last she'd seen, it decorated an uncomfortably large portion of her sister's bed chambers. "What is going on here?"

Kibitz stuttered uselessly, having no coherent answer to that question. "Is s-something amiss, Princess? I d-don't understand."

Celestia ignored him, opening the paper. Her eyes flashed back and forth as she read the associated article, her confusion only growing the more details she read. "He attacked a mayor? Lit an inn on fire? Conspires with violent unicorns? Wiped out a town's guard unit? TRIED TO ASSASSINATE PRINCESS LUNA?! What is this?! Luna said he was the one who saved her!"

"Uh... well, most of those accusations don't necessarily preclude him from saving her, do they? And even the assassination one could have taken place at a different time from the rescue, I suppose." Kibitz pointed out. Celestia gave him a disapproving look. "I can't possibly judge whether any of the things they're saying are true, of course, but in fairness to the journalists, Princess Luna was not available for interview. It seems every other pony they were able to find who'd met the stallion thinks he's quite the troublemaker. "

Celestia frowned, and then stood up from her seat. "Excuse me, Kibitz. I think my sister needs to see this immediately."

Celestia read the better part of the morning newspaper on the walk to her sister's chambers, scrutinizing the claims and accounts in detail. The parts regarding Blood Rite and Swan Song were - as far as she knew - completely accurate, mostly because the information had come from her in the first place. There were a few interviews with former classmates of Swan Song, and those pieces didn't reveal anything contradictory or surprising about the mare. There were - as she had hoped and expected - no interviews with ponies who knew Blood Rite when he was a student.

As far as this "Havoc" pony was concerned, though, speculation was running wild. Some editorials placed him as a warrior mercenary terrorizing rural villages for simple profit. Others claimed he was another accomplice; some sort of super-equine minion created by the sorcerers to help them in their struggle against the throne. Some placed him as the ringleader of the rebellion, gathering up disillusioned unicorns from Canterlot's finest institutions on a mad quest to tear the system down.

Granted, Celestia didn't know a thing about Havoc herself except that he had saved Luna from Rite. That gave the stallion a great deal of credit in her mind, but didn't necessarily make him a paragon of heroic virtue.

Still, she found the outlandish nature of some of the accounts bordering on the hysterical. She didn't care if the claim came from a city guard and a dozen witnesses; did anypony seriously expect her to believe that an earth pony blasted a unit of guards with a draconic breath weapon? Silly.

She finally reached Luna's room and sharply rapped on the door.

"Luna! It's Celestia! May I come in?" Princess Celestia bellowed.

There was a brief pause, and then Luna's voice came from the other side of the door. "Please, leave me! I cannot be disturbed!"

"Luna, this is serious! It involves the pony that rescued you when you were attacked!" Celestia pressed. "Read the papers! They appear to think he's some sort of criminal, if not a rebel assassin himself!"

Another pause, and then Luna's voice came again. "If this absolutely cannot wait, you must take the matter to Star Lancer, of the Night Court. I really cannot attend to you! Forgive me!"

Celestia's brow furrowed. "What? Luna, it's me! Celestia! I'm fairly certain Star Lancer can't help with this! Are you listening to me?"

"Please, leave me! I cannot be disturbed!" came another plea from beyond the door, in the exact same tone as before.

Celestia's eyes narrowed, and her horn flashed. She disappeared in a blaze of golden light, and then reappeared within Luna's bedroom.

She glanced about at the interior of the room, noting that there were still paintings of Havoc mounted upon the wall. Her gaze shifted to Luna's bed.

Tiberius squeaked in surprise, staring up at the white alicorn. Sitting behind the possum was a small device with a speaker and several buttons. Luna was nowhere to be seen, although a stack of dirty dishes suggested that her pet had been making sure her meals hadn't gone to waste.

Tiberius turned and quickly pressed a button on the machine behind him.

"I see you have found out the truth, then," said Luna's voice from the voice recorder. "I'm sure you are surprised, but be assured that there is a good reason for this."

"REALLY," Celestia drawled, staring at Tiberius.

"I have departed the castle in secret, and the security of the Equestrian state requires that my absence remain unknown to all! Particularly Princess Celestia. SERIOUSLY, do not inform Sister under any circumstances!"

Celestia's eyes narrowed. Tiberius shrugged helplessly.

"Please rest assured that should you endure censure for maintaining my secret, I will see to it you are granted full legal pardon so long as Sister remains unaware of my departure. Thank you, citizen, and farewell!"

Celestia started quivering in agitation, but after a few seconds she calmed down and released a deep sigh.

"So she's left, has she? To do what, exactly? To hunt down Blood Rite?" she mumbled aloud.

The white alicorn briefly locked eyes with Tiberius, but the possum simply squeaked unhelpfully.

"... No. She did not seem that interested in attacking him before," Celestia mused, "when I insisted that we leave the matter to the guards, she offered no protest. Luna would have tried to make an honest case for pursuing him personally before racing off after him in secret."

She looked down to the pictures in the newspaper floating at her side. Then she looked up at the large portrait of Havoc hanging behind Luna's bed. It featured the pigtailed stallion laying on his side, his rear legs coyly obscuring his groin while he gazed at the viewer with a smirking come-hither look.

A tiny sun suddenly blossomed to life above Celestia's head.

"Oh, for the love of me," the Sun Princess despaired, slapping a hoof against her face, "Luna is infatuated with this stallion?"

Tiberius crossed his arms and gave her a deadpan look, as if to say "Now what gave you that idea?"

"Blast! I can't believe I didn't notice until now! This is going to end badly," Celestia moaned, turning away and opening the door, "but I suppose it could be worse. She could be crossing paths with Rite and his lackey." She shuddered. "I dearly hope those two don't encounter each other again."

"At this point, I think we're going to have to count on interference from the Princesses."

Rite spoke solemnly as he stood across from Swan Song, the tips of his hooves pressed together. There was a bandage wrapping around his head, and he was wearing a thick, cotton-lined neck brace as a series of enchanted medicines worked at healing his battered cranium.

Swan chewed her lip anxiously. "But didn't we already misdirect them? Our lead should last a few days at least, right?"

"We can't count on that," Rite growled, "we've missed every opportunity to take care of this cleanly without harming anypony. Mostly because of you, but the time for pointing hooves is long past."

Rite's horn sparked ominously. "The Lunar Guard is on to us. They know where Calamity is, and now they know that we're hunting him. At least one of them escaped the battle to inform others. And that presumes that none of the others we knocked out will recover soon, or that there weren't other batponies who saw us and retreated rather than attacking. We're out of time." He banged a hoof against the table. "The next time we encounter Calamity will be our last attempt. No more exhaustively-planned ambushes for some interloper to ruin. No more falling back until the time is right. The next time we see Calamity, we offer our trade. If things don't work out, then we will kill him and take the Stone. No more hesitation."

Swan Song felt an excited tingle along her back as the sorcerer brooded aloud. Although she didn't want to hurt the stallion they were hunting - she was pretty sure all the attempted murder was going to make any future dates painfully awkward - attacking mighty heroes and demolishing them to seize ancient treasures was exactly the sort of evil sorcery action she had signed up for. So long as the pony Calamity stood between Rite and his goal of removing the Equestrian diarchy, he was their enemy, and ultimately that was more important than her feelings. Kind of.

"And what if Twilight Sparkle or Luna beats us to him?" the sorceress asked. Although her voice shook slightly at the prospect, her eyes gleamed with excitement. She couldn't deny that a part of her would LOVE to test her strength against an Equestrian Princess, even if she was likely to come up desperately short in the encounter. It was the stuff legendary villains dreamed of: to face the Element of Magic herself, face-to-face, and see how they stood up before her raw skill and power.

"... If we have no choice, then we have no choice," Rite growled, "I will take the MacGuffin Stone, or be buried outside Coltson in the attempt. If I have to face Twilight Sparkle or Princess Luna to do it, I will not back down, and I will not surrender. I would rather perish opposing the lofty alicorns of the royal order than rot in this tower bemoaning my fate after watching all my efforts come to naught."

As Swan let out a thrilled squeal, Rite's gaze softened. "Swan Song, obviously you haven't always been the most... reliable asset in my quest. But now that it's come to this I realize how lucky I am to have you. You've stood by me through great danger and - despite my attempt to relieve you of your duties the other day - I'm not at all certain I could have gotten this far without you. Still, I cannot possibly order you to accompany me on a mission that may so easily lead to our obliteration. I ask you, instead: Swan Song, will you help me take the MacGuffin Stone, even if it may cost our lives?"

"YES!" Swan shouted, practically burning with fierce determination. It was all she could do to stay in her seat. "We WILL demolish those useless royals, Mister Rite! Or die trying!"

"Thank you, Swan Song," the stallion said, his voice cracking slightly. "I have a few things left to prepare. We will leave in about two hours."

"Got it!" Swan Song saluted. "Oh, hey! You know how there are all those windows in Canterlot Castle depicting Twilight Sparkle and the other losers fighting evil and stuff? Do you think we'll be in one if we lose?"

"Uh... Well... not likely, no. We don't pose such an obvious or dramatic threat as Discord or Nightmare Moon did," Rite reasoned.

"What if we manage to kill at least one of them first? I'll bet we can take down Sparkle if we both concentrate on her! That's gotta be worth a window!"

"I... suppose?" Rite mumbled, feeling more than a little put off by the absolute glee being displayed by his assistant. "Anyway, putting aside the prospect of murdering a completely beneficent young mare for the sake of long-term ignominy in Canterlot's halls of power, our only real objective is the MacGuffin Stone."

"But we can kill her anyway, right? Like, if the opportunity comes up? Putting down a Princess would look GREAT on my resume." Swan tapped her front hooves together, grinning widely at her employer.

The stallion cringed. "... I have to go get ready. We'll see what happens when we get there."

"You got it! This is going to be AWESOME!"

Right. Left. Left. Sweep. Turn. Back kick. Flip. Turn. Left.

Ranma's body lashed through the air in a series of grayish blurs as he practiced his kata. The steps repeated themselves in his head to the exclusion of everything else. In this moment, in his mind, nothing else existed outside of the few square meters dedicated to his practice.

Turn. Back kick. Left. Flip. Damn it!

Ranma stumbled on his landing, forcing him to re-balance and miss the next attack. Were anyone observing him, the error would have been unnoticeable; it simply appeared as if he landed and then stopped his exercise while grimacing. To the martial artist, however, the dance had been brought to a screeching halt.

"Flips are a lot harder on four legs. At least from basic standing position. I have to modify the routine again."

His mind whirled with possibilities. Forms, movements, and poses flitted by, each one associated with a miniscule time frame and precise level of force. Ranma had already worked out the basic differences between pony and human anatomy as far as muscle control, balance, and directional acceleration were concerned, but had barely started adjusting his kata and movesets appropriately. There was no economy of movement in his strikes, and Ranma was positive that he wasn't making the best use of his new four-legged mobility, either.

"Man... it's like I have to learn to fight all over again," the martial artist sighed. Surely his opponents (and allies) would have disagreed, but Ranma knew better; his basic strength, speed, and dexterity had transferred to his pony body in full, and he had been using that to overwhelm the impressive monsters and distinctly unimpressive fighters in Equestria. Perhaps to some that would have been enough, but Ranma Saotome was far from content.

Trotting back over to the camp, Ranma found Trixie laying in front of a small stack of papers. A floating quill was hovering over one of them while the magician stared into a small cloth sack of gold coins with a bitter expression.

"I'm done with my kata. We can take off whenever you're ready," Ranma informed his employer.

Trixie mumbled a confirmation, still staring at the money in her bag.

"What're you doing? Paperwork?" Ranma asked.

"Budgeting." Trixie looked away from the bag of bits and toward a small silvery gem on her other side. After a moment, Ranma recognized it as the Lunar Lycanstone that the batpony had used the previous night. "Trixie isn't sure about the value of this moonstone. Besides never having heard of it before, Trixie feels like it wouldn't be a good idea to try hawking the Lunar Guard's magical weapons on the open market."

"Dang. So you can't sell the thing?" Ranma asked, frowning.

"Trixie didn't say that. Trixie said it wasn't a good idea to do it on the open market," the unicorn repeated, raising an eyebrow at the martial artist, "Trixie knows some ponies that deal in objects... not suitable for your average pawn shop."

"Ooh! Shady!" Ranma chuckled.

Trixie levitated the main sheet detailing her expenses up in front of her, obscuring the stallion from sight. "You have no room to talk, being a fugitive from the law. Not to mention you're the reason Trixie has to worry so much about money in the first place. Trixie hasn't put on a single successful show since Trixie met you, and - just in case Trixie hasn't mentioned this often enough - you eat way too much. Hmph."

A jingling noise suddenly came from in front of her, and Trixie lowered her budget paper.

Laying in front of her was a small brown sack almost overflowing with bits. She blinked owlishly, completely at a loss.

"That should help, right?" Ranma asked. "I mean, I'm pretty sure that as the boss, you're supposed to pay me, but I know I've been causing you problems recently. Plus there's that whole thing with your brooch. Will that cover it?"

"What is this?" Trixie asked, her voice carefully measured and neutral.

"It's... money. Y'know, bits?" Ranma frowned. "Isn't it?"

"Yes, Trixie can see that. Why do YOU have it?" Trixie's head snapped up, and her eyes narrowed at the stallion. "When Trixie found you lying under a bridge begging for food, Trixie was acting under the assumption that you had no money!"

"I didn't! I got this after you found me!"

"HOW?!" Trixie demanded.

"I took it from all the people I beat up."

Trixie's jaw dropped open, and her eyes bugged out.

Ranma was confused at first, but then mentally replayed that sentence in his head. "Wait, no! I don't mean, like, I went out mugging people or anything! I don't run around roughing people up for their money! I took this from all the guys who attacked ME!"

The unicorn kept staring at him in shock.

"What? If someone tries to kill you, you're allowed to take their stuff!" Ranma protested.

"Is that really a rule in human society?" Trixie asked, breaking her shocked silence.

"Sure. Well, I mean, it's not a law or anything. It's more like an unwritten rule. For when I'm traveling through an area and don't plan on coming back, ever." Ranma paused. "I mean, after some guy decides that murdering me is okay, who's going to complain if I root through their pockets? Or saddle pouches, in this case. I think it's pretty fair." Then he pointed at the silver jewel. "Besides, you do it too!"

"There's a difference between disarming an enemy and looting their comatose body!" Trixie insisted as her eye twitched. "So this means... you robbed Mayor Hawke?"

"And a couple of the thugs that were working for her. Not that any of them had much. She must be pretty cheap despite all the fancy furniture and stuff."

"And... those musicians in Saddlebrook?"

"I found most of the cash in their instrument cart. I think it was from all those tickets they said they already sold."

"The... The Saddlebrook guards?"

Ranma shook his head rapidly. "Whoa, no! No way! Those guys were police! Or, I guess, the pony version of police. I wasn't going to take their pocket change."

Trixie breathed a sigh of relief.

"Especially not with all those other ponies watching. I had to get out of there pretty fast."

Trixie suppressed a distressed groan. "What about the Lunar Guard from last night?"

"She had a few coins in the broken pieces of armor, but that's it." Then Ranma smirked and pressed a hoof to his chest. "The one that Song blasted had more cash, but since he didn't attack me, I left it with him. See? I follow the rules!"

"The rules that apparently let you steal from soldiers of Equestria?" Trixie asked tightly. "What exactly is the difference between the batpony in the woods and the guards in the town?"

"The guards in the town tried to arrest me. The bat thing in the woods tried to eat me," Ranma answered.

"Gah! This is unbelievable!" Trixie groaned, throwing her forelegs up into the air. "Trixie's traveling companion is a bona fide criminal!"

Trixie's horn lit up as she complained, and the sack of bits Ranma had provided slid over next to her smaller money bag under a bubble of glittering pink. Trixie paused to weigh the two bags with her magic, estimating the difference.

"Bad enough that you were accused of crimes you didn't commit! Bad enough you're also accused of crimes you DID commit, but are generally defensible!"

Trixie's budget paper rose into the air again, and her ink quill quickly scratched some new figures onto it as she bemoaned her fate.

"Now Trixie finds out you've been actually looting the trail of unconscious bodies in your wake! Even if Trixie maintains plausible deniability, do you have any idea how suspicious this will look if and when you're finally cornered by Equestria's peacekeepers? Trixie's reputation will be in tatters!"

The two sacks of coins flew up into the wagon on arcs of pink magic, and Trixie's lips twitched into an almost-smile as she finished modifying her cash flow numbers.

"And just think! If you're arrested and the guards think Trixie is responsible for you, they may seek to recover the money from Trixie! Did you even think about that? You are SO inconsiderate!"

Trixie magically lifted the rest of the scattered items into her wagon, and then jumped in after them. Despite her maintaining the same indignant tone of voice, her expression was undeniably cheerful while she settled into her usual place.

Ranma stared up at the unicorn uncertainly after she finally completed her lecture. "Uh... So... are you saying... I should stop taking money from my defeated enemies?"

"Trixie isn't going to get all self-righteous about this. Trixie is your employer, not your mother," the magician explained before briefly coughing into her hoof, "but obviously your getting caught would severely inconvenience Trixie, so keep that in mind."

"Oh, sure. No problem," Ranma rolled his eyes before hitching himself up to the wagon again, "we wouldn't want my unjust capture and imprisonment to trouble Trixie, now would we?"

"PARTIALLY unjust capture and POSSIBLE imprisonment," Trixie corrected, "Trixie is sure you'd get a perfectly fair trial. And then you'd probably be thrown in a dungeon forever, because your legal defense amounts to 'well, they started it'."

Ranma sighed and started pulling the wagon back to the road. "At least you guys have courts and stuff. After hearing about how you get your Mayors I didn't know what to expect."

"Oh? And how do you humans get your government officials?" Trixie asked curiously.

"We vote for them."

"What's 'vote'?"

Ranma frowned. "Well... it's like... a points system, I guess? Everyone gets to say who they think should be in charge, and that's worth a point each, and then the person with the most points wins." He had a feeling he was leaving out a lot of important details, but civics was hardly one of Ranma's strong suits.

"That sounds rather useless," Trixie opined, "wouldn't you just make the most important human the leader anyway? You may as well skip all that points-counting nonsense."

"I... guess? But how do you know who the most important guy is unless you vote on it?" Ranma wondered.

"That would be the one that raises and lowers the sun every day," Trixie said with a snicker, "this isn't hard, Ranma."

"......... Raises what, now?"

Nearly two hours later, after a long lesson on the basics of astronomy and its relation to the Equestrian political order, Ranma was finally coming to terms with the nation of Equestria and the special place it had in the daily functioning of the planet and the lives of all the creatures living on its world.

Which is to say, he hadn't come to terms with it at all, because it was ridiculous.

"No. No way. You've gotta be making this up."

Trixie yawned and nestled deeper into the blankets atop her travel wagon. "Well, if there was any doubt in Trixie's mind that you're actually from another planet, this lays it to rest. Trixie is really surprised you didn't know about this."

"No! Nuh-uh!" Ranma shook his head even as he kept a steady pace down the road. "This isn't some pony planet thing that I just didn't know about. I hardly took any science classes back on Earth and even I know that the sun doesn't revolve around the planet! That doesn't make sense!"

"Well, of course," Trixie scoffed, "it doesn't just circle around us on its own or anything. Princess Celestia has to magically move it across the sky."

"That... It... But..." Ranma stammered, wincing. "No! That's even more wrong! You can't move a freaking SUN!"

"Trixie is, obviously, a foremost expert in the field of magic," the unicorn scoffed, "but even Trixie would hesitate to estimate Princess Celestia's magical limitations, especially regarding a spell she does every single day."

"Okay that's another thing: your country is run by a Princess? Why a Princess?" Ranma asked as his brow furrowed. "Why not a queen or a king?"

"Because kings and queens are evil, obviously," Trixie answered.

Ranma completely failed to come up with any objection to that. His mouth simply hung open as he carried Trixie and her things down the road, unable to put together a complete sentence.

"Okay, Trixie thinks Coltson is just up ahead," Trixie stood up and squinted her eyes, spotting some rooftops over the trees, "Trixie suggests you switch bodies soon; Trixie would really like to actually complete a show before being run out of town this time."

"Yeah, in a minute," Ranma replied, shaking his head wearily, "there's someone headed in the opposite direction. I'll change after they pass."

Trixie spotted the individuals a moment later: two unicorn mares wearing heavy saddlebags, with some sort of small purple creature riding on the smaller of the two. The pair seemed to stammer to a halt upon seeing them, for some reason.

Although the magician dismissed the unicorns almost immediately, Ranma suddenly began to slow down.

"Wait, is that... no way!"

Luna and Twilight stumbled to a halt when they spotted the gray pony on the road. Luna's surprise rapidly shifted into jubilation, and she was barely able to suppress an excited whinny. Twilight's joy was more subdued... and vanished completely when she noticed what - and who - Ranma was towing.

"Wait, is that... no way!" the young Princess shouted. "Trixie?!" Spike blanched, and then pulled himself up higher over Twilight's head.

Ranma suddenly unhooked himself from the wagon he was towing, and then he began galloping toward the pair of unicorns.

Luna stepped forward hesitantly. She was about ready to break into a sprint to meet the stallion when she remembered that she was still in disguise. And yet, her savior was charging right toward her, grinning happily! Could it be that he had identified her despite the magical glamour? Was the connection between them already so powerful that mere illusions were of no use? The very thought nearly set her heart alight within her breast.

Which made it all the more discouraging when Ranma raced right past her and skidded to a stop in front of Twilight.

"Spike! Is that you?" Ranma said brightly, his eyes locked on the young dragon standing on an unfamiliar unicorn's back. "I thought you lived in Ponyville in the tree place! What're you doing here?"

Spike, for his part, was as surprised as anypony. Granted, he was the only one of the individuals here who wasn't traveling in disguise, but he simply wasn't used to being the one acknowledged above the Princesses around him.

"H-Hey! Dude! You... uh... okay?" Spike asked awkwardly. "Last I saw you, you were being flung into the sky in a tornado."

"Oh, sure. No big deal. Did that dragon-mom cause any more trouble after I left?"

"No, not really. I mean, she fell on AJ's barn, but y'know. Whatever."

Twilight suddenly cleared her throat loudly. Ranma glanced down at her eyes, then tilted his gaze back up to Spike. "Who's your friend? I thought you worked for that nerd chick in Ponyville."

Twilight's eyes narrowed, and Spike winced.

"That 'nerd chick'? Would you happen to be talking about Princess Twilight Sparkle?" Twilight drawled, emphasizing her title.

"Yeah, that's her! Sparks!" Ranma asked, looking back and forth. "She around? Or are you freelancing now?"

Twilight's wings suddenly burst from her back, and the magical shell of light that had obscured her real body shattered. Motes of crackling blue energy exploded off of her and then flickered into nothingness, revealing a distinctly nonplussed purple alicorn.

Ranma blink-blinked. Then he grinned. "Hi, Sparks!"

Trixie, who had been left in the road without explanation, climbed down from her wagon while grumbling under her breath about random travelers holding them up for no reason. Her grumbling and her approach stopped short when Twilight revealed herself, and Trixie's eyes went wide.

Droplets of sweat started rolling down from under Trixie's hat. This was not good. Putting aside the fact that Twilight Sparkle was the personal student and adventurer-agent of Princess Celestia - the most powerful pony in the world and the pinnacle of Equestrian state authority - Trixie herself wasn't all that keen on chatting with the newly ascended alicorn after their last encounter. She hadn't exactly parted with Twilight on hostile terms, but there were few other ponies with such a personal knowledge of Trixie's past misdeeds.

And then, of course, there was the fact that Trixie was traveling with a wanted criminal.

Twilight took a deep, calming breath. "Hello, Saotome. It's nice to see you're somehow still in one piece."

"Ha! No problem! I told you I could handle that big lizard thing!" Ranma laughed.

"Your last words before you were carried up into the sky, screaming, by your own tornado were, and I quote, 'this is not part of the technique'," Twilight reminded him dryly.

Ranma laughed some more. "Ha! Yeah, that was crazy! Anyway, enough about me, what're you guys doing out here?"

Twilight sighed, her wings folding up again on her back. "We've been looking for you. Although it's mainly thanks to her that we actually found you." She pointed a hoof past Ranma. Ranma turned to look.

Luna had been waiting with nervous patience behind Ranma, and as soon as he noticed her she broke into a grin and let her own wings break free. Just like with Twilight, her form exploded into a burst of magical sparks, revealing the true colors and form of the immortal alicorn beneath the façade. Luna's transformation was all the more grand, however, as her wings spread more elegantly and her dark, flowing mane spilled out over her body.

Trixie could swear her heart stopped as she beheld a second Princess reveal herself just ahead of her. Twilight showing up was bad enough, but at least the younger alicorn was generally reasonable and a known acquaintance. Trixie hardly knew anything about Princess Luna aside from common knowledge, and one such common tidbit was that Luna used to be a vicious megalomaniac.

What could the Princess of the Night be doing here? Trixie could only think of one reason for her to be escorting Twilight while searching for Ranma: The newer Princess knew how dangerous Ranma could be and decided she needed heavy magical backup to arrest him.

Trixie glanced over to the wagon harness, wondering how far away she could get when the Princesses began their attack. All she could hope for was that Ranma wouldn't do anything to agitate the Princesses and force them to resort to violence.

Ranma rubbed at his chin with a hoof as he looked Luna over, noting both her combination of wings and a horn and her magical starlit mane.

Then he turned back to Twilight. "So, what did you want me for? If this is about the posters, I was totally framed for that."

Ranma was quite gratified to see Twilight totally perplexed at the mention of posters.

"Posters? Framed? What are you talking about? What happened?" the purple mare asked.

Before Ranma could answer, Luna stepped forward and interrupted. "Wait! Saotome! Do you not remember me?"

Ranma swiveled his head around and took another long look at the dark blue alicorn.

"No." Then he turned around completely, facing back toward the wagon. "Hey, Trix! C'mere! This is the geek from Ponyville I was telling you about! I'll introduce you!" Much to Ranma's confusion, Trixie bristled and started backing away rather than coming closer.

"We've already been introduced," Twilight said, her voice becoming frosty, "and although I'm very curious as to how you ended up hauling Trixie around like a pack mule, we have more important things to discuss."

"Oh? Like what?" the stallion asked, once again facing Twilight and Spike.

"Pardon me!" Luna shouted, barely keeping her tone below the supernatural spectrum. "I must insist upon your undivided attention, Saotome Ranma!"

Ranma gave Luna another sidelong glance. "Say, who's your friend, anyway?" he said to Twilight, jabbing a hoof in Luna's direction. "And what shampoo does she use? That hair is kind of cool."

"Okay, wait, you SERIOUSLY don't know who she is?" Spike asked. The aforementioned Princess flinched back, as if physically pained at hearing her suspicions laid bare.

"Nope, never met her. I'm kind of new here, remember?" Ranma drawled. "So what?"

Any remaining warmth in Luna's chest vanished, and she struggled to maintain a neutral expression as she stood before her savior. Not only did he not remember her from the time he had saved her life, but he didn't even know her general visage. Both prospects saddened her, although she couldn't rightly blame the stallion for either of them; the night of the rescue had been hectic and his departure sudden, and there were still many corners of Equestria that might not immediately recognize the younger of the two Royal Sisters.

"Allow me to introduce myself," Luna said, bowing her head and spreading her wings wide, "I am Luna, royal diarch of Equestria and Princess of the Night!"

Despite his earlier claims to ignorance, Ranma seemed to recognize this name. Luna would have found that a relief and reassurance, except that his recognition didn't come in the form of shock, embarrassment, or joy, but rather sudden rage.

"IT WAS YOU!!" Ranma shouted, shifting instantly into a combat stance.

Twilight recoiled and reared up in shock, accidentally spilling Spike onto the ground. Luna jumped back as well, her eyes wide as saucers.

"Celestia who is kind, benevolent, and merciful, please deliver this hapless soul from wickedness. Trixie first, obviously, and if you have any mercy left over, maybe the pigtailed dolt as well," Trixie mumbled to herself, her eyes squeezed shut and her front hooves pressed together, "forgive our sins, ignorance, and totally outrageous - although somewhat justified - aggression against your own. Ahmen."

"Wh-What is this? What is the matter?" Luna asked nervously, stepping back from the furious stallion.

"What's the matter? What's THE MATTER?! YOU FRAMED ME, YOU JERK!!" Ranma roared. "You told them I tried to assassinate you!" Twilight gasped in shock at the accusation.

It barely seemed possible for Luna's eyes to bulge any wider, and yet they did. "What?! Never! That's impossible!"

"Yeah, I know! I've never even met you!" Ranma snapped. "What the hell, lady?!"

"B-But you have!" Luna protested, stumbling upon her own words. "In the g-great forest, to the West! You ambushed the unicorns that had attacked me! You saved me from the MacGuffin Stone! Were it not for you, I would have been captured and used as a tool in their nefarious plot against Canterlot!"

Trixie's ear twitched, and she stopped praying.

Wait... that sounds like... Princess Luna was the pony Ranma rescued? And he didn't even realize it?

As phenomenally stupid as it seemed at first, Trixie had to admit that it made sense from Ranma's perspective. He apparently had never heard of Princess Celestia and didn't understand the relevance of the alicorn race, so rescuing Celestia's nocturnal little sister wouldn't have seemed remarkable to him. Ranma thought he was saving some random bystander, not the second most powerful equine in the world.

Of course, that begged the question of how Ranma came to be accused of attacking Luna when he had done the exact opposite.

"... Wait, that was you?!" Ranma took a step back hesitantly. "You're the pony that Rite and Song were trying to capture?" He was still rather angry, but the mare in front of him seemed genuinely surprised and upset at what he was telling her. Was it possible she wasn't involved as he had assumed?

"Indeed! And were it not for your timely intervention, they surely would have succeeded!" Luna said, trying desperately to keep her cool. This encounter wasn't going anything like she had hoped. "I never claimed you had harmed me! The idea is preposterous!"

Ranma seemed to calm himself from furious to merely aggrieved. "Okay, well, could you tell your goons that? Just last night we had bat-pony-things attacking me in the forest. Thanks to them those two unicorn jerks got away again!"

"Bat-pony-things?" Twilight asked. "You mean the Lunar Guard was hunting for you, not Rite?" She frowned. "That doesn't make any sense. The Lunar Guard only take orders from Canterlot, and specifically the Night Court. They shouldn't be searching for a specific pony without Princess Luna knowing about it."

Twilight, Ranma, and Spike all looked over at Luna. Luna stared straight forward, her eyes unfocused. In her head, several ideas were slowly shifting about and clicking into place to create an explanatory timeline of events.

She had told the Lunar Guard to search for Saotome Ranma, and even set up a bounty for his whereabouts. She hadn't even known his name at the time that she had dispatched his portrait and request for more information.

She had not told them why. The only pony that knew exactly what had happened and Saotome's exact role was Night Scythe, who was still in recovery and had been kept ignorant of the mission.

Every other member of the Lunar Guard knew only that Luna had been ambushed by rebels, and that they had been instructed to chase after Saotome Ranma immediately afterward.

In the absence of complete information, her soldiers had evidently come up with a completely false - although quite plausible - interpretation of events. They had also defied her orders, but that seemed almost incidental to the current situation.

Princess Luna gulped, nervously meeting Ranma's gaze again. "I... may have erred somewhat."

"So this IS your fault!" Ranma shouted, instantly jumping back to enraged.

At that moment, something inside Luna snapped.

The nocturnal Princess was already quite upset, having her envisioned reunion with her savior marred by his failure to recognize her as the mare he had rescued. Having him recognize her instead as somepony who had framed and persecuted him was a further slap in the face.

Largely justified, granted, but still painful. And that pain was swiftly turning to frustration and anger.

Who was this pony to speak to her this way? To level accusations and presumptions at an Equestrian Princess? Even the Elements of Harmony, mighty ponies who had faced her at her worst and personally suffered for her hubris, did not treat her with such callous disrespect!

Luna's posture shifted, her wings closing and her chest tilting forward. "That is quite enough, Saotome Ranma," she said dangerously.

"Okay, now let's all just calm down," Twilight said with a nervous chuckle, moving to stand between Luna and Ranma. "Nopony is here to start a fight, and there has to be a perfectly rational explana-"

A blue aura suddenly stopped the purple alicorn dead, and then Twilight was magically dragged back out of the way.

Princess Luna glared down at Ranma, her horn flickering with power. "Mister Ranma. It is true. I have erred, and may have inadvertently sent my Lunar Guard against you. I will correct this oversight."

"Awesome. You go do that," Ranma said blandly. He started walking around the Princess, heading back to the cart, but then Luna spread a wing to block his path.

"I am not done with you, yet," Luna hissed, "furthermore, when addressing your Princess, it would be wise to kneel as protocol demands, peasant."

Both Trixie and Twilight cringed simultaneously, recognizing this as the precise moment when the encounter was truly starting to head into dangerous territory.

Ranma paused for a moment, staring straight forward into Luna's wing. Then he started chuckling, lowering his head. "Say what? I'm not a peasant, and you're no Princess of mine."

Luna bristled, shifting so that she was directly in front of the stallion. "I concede that I have caused you unjust harm, Saotome, but I nonetheless demand the respect and courtesy as befits my station!" Her horn sparked again, and an arc of dark energy ran up its length.

Ranma finally shifted to look at her again, his sapphire eyes gleaming. "Lady, let me tell you where you can shove your-"

Then a purple hat flew into his face, wrapping around his muzzle. "Mmmh mnph!"

In an instant Trixie was in front of Ranma, her horn glowing furiously in order to restrict the stallion's jaw as much as possible. "Princess Luna! Hello! Fantastic to meet you! The Great and Powerful Trixie is greatly honored to make your acquaintance!"

Luna's glare transferred to Trixie with disturbing ease. Undeterred, Trixie bowed deeply. "Please excuse this lunkhead here. He's new to these parts. Total hick! Can't even read Equiish! It's embarrassing, really."

"Mmmph mmn hhmn!" Ranma mumbled, pointing a hoof toward Trixie.

"Not now, Ranma!" the magician snapped. To the surprise of everyone else, the stallion slumped over in defeat and fell silent, his face still wrapped up in Trixie's hat. "Anyway, what he was TRYING to say is that he's thankful to see you're safe! In addition, he SINCERELY apologizes for any inconvenience you or the Lunar Guard have suffered in this terrible misunderstanding!"

Ranma started to raise a hoof again, only for a pink aura to wrap around it and slam it back into the dirt. "Mmrgh..."

Luna glanced over to Ranma, then back to Trixie. "I do not believe your words accurately reflect his feelings," the dusky alicorn said flatly, "what is your relation to Mister Ranma?"

"Trixie is his employer," the unicorn said proudly, standing up straight again and adopting a pose more in keeping with her usual sense of self-worth. "The reasons are complicated and unimportant, but ultimately Trixie took this poor, helpless, and very stupid soul into Trixie's service to keep him out of trouble. Trixie still has difficulty with that, obviously, but Trixie does her best."

A muffled snort came from Ranma.

"Speaking of trouble!" Twilight suddenly interjected. She was very happy for Trixie's sudden intervention, and hoped to contribute to pulling the conversation further onto a safe track. "The Lunar Guard that apparently tracked you down said that Blood Rite and Swan Song had found you as well! What happened?"

Trixie emitted a quick sigh of relief. "Yes, well, Bloo-" then she jerked to attention. "Wait, Blood Rite? His first name is 'Blood'? Seriously?"

"Mmnrf mhhm mrmphmn mrffm," Ranma added.

"You said it. How this guy wasn't tossed right in a dungeon as soon as he was born is beyond Trixie."

Twilight suppressed a groan. "Yes, that's his name. Yes, it seems unusually villain-esque, even by the standards I'm used to. Do you have any idea as to his current whereabouts?"

"No, but if you want to find them you came to the right ponies," Trixie sniffed, "despite Ranma using their skulls as bongos every time they show up, Mister Evil Name and his lackey have been on our tails the last few days." She paused. "May Trixie presume that you know what they're after?"

"The MacGuffin Stone," Twilight said grimly. Spike snickered into his hands.

"Then you still have it?" Luna arched an eyebrow at Ranma, although with his face covered by Trixie's hat he couldn't have seen it.

"He does," Trixie confirmed, "despite their best efforts, the rebels were sent packing each time." She decided not to get into details about how one such raid had relieved her of the clasp to her cape; it was perfectly irrelevant to the current discussion, anyhow.

"Excellent. Then this trip has been worthwhile after all," Luna said, her voice wavering between solemnity and bitterness, "relinquish the MacGuffin Stone to us at once."

Trixie bowed her head again, and then finally allowed the pink aura around her hat - and by extension, Ranma's face - to fade. Her hat slipped onto the ground at his hooves.

"Ranma, give Princess Luna the gem," Trixie said with a proud smile. It had been a close call, but thanks to her quick wit and peerless charm, she had averted the absolute train wreck set into motion by her companion's unrestrained mouth and Luna's authoritative incompetence.

Ranma looked over at Luna, then Twilight, and then at Trixie. Then he leaned over and picked up Trixie's hat.

"No. I'm keeping the gem," Ranma said, "here's your hat, Trix."

"WHAT?!" Trixie yelped, jumping up in shock. Luna's eyes narrowed, and Twilight felt an uncomfortable shudder crawl down her back. "What the hay is wrong with you?!"

Ranma, for his part, raised an eyebrow. "You don't want your hat?"

"Of course Trixie wants her hat!" the magician barked, snatching it out of Ranma's teeth and settling it back onto her head with her magic. "Thank you!" She spent a moment to recall why she was yelling. "Why won't you give them the MacGuffin Stone?!"

"Because it's mine," Ranma said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

And, to be fair, none of the ponies had an immediate rebuttal. To the extent that anyone could lay claim to the ancient gemstone, the only owner more legitimate than Ranma was probably Blood Rite, and nopony was about to defend his possession of the jewel.

"Okay, well, yes, I suppose it IS yours, technically," Twilight gave a high-pitched laugh, her eyes darting between Ranma and Luna, "but it's a magic gem. You can't even use it!"

"Doesn't matter," the martial artist said, "this magic rock is the only reason that Rite and Swan keep coming to me. If I give it to you, then I'll probably never see them again."

"And that's... bad?" Twilight asked, completely perplexed.

Ranma snorted. "I have some unfinished business with them, that's all. Business that I might have been done with if it weren't for those bat guys getting in my way last night!" He stared meaningfully at Luna.

Luna matched his gaze in both lofty contempt and stubborn determination. "I'm afraid your claim to the MacGuffin Stone is irrelevant, Mister Ranma. I, as the Princess of the Night and Diarch of Equestria, formally decree that the MacGuffin Stone is to be relinquished to the Canterlot royal family at once! The safety and security of the Equestrian nation depends on it!"

Ranma laughed. He actually LAUGHED at her. Luna felt her blood boil while a haze of blue magic spread from her horn over her entire body. Trixie squeaked in fright, and her legs began trembling. Twilight began to sweat as her mind whirled.

"Look, 'Princess', I get that you're a big deal around here. Fine. But I'm a human being, not one of your horse people, and I don't have to do what you say," Ranma smirked up at the clearly enraged alicorn, "if you and Sparks want to hang around until Rite makes his next try for the rock, that's up to Trix, not me. But the MacGuffin is mine, not hers, and I'm not giving it to you."

Spike stood up on his toes to whisper into Twilight's ear. "Did we ever find out whether that thing about him not being a pony is true? I feel like we just kind of forgot about that."

"SSSH! Not now, Spike!" Twilight snapped. She was desperately trying to work out an argument that Ranma might accept to hand over the MacGuffin Stone, ideally before he demolished the last of Luna's restraint. She wasn't sure of the full range of emotions the elder Princess had brought into this confrontation, but they were very close to exploding by this point.

Luckily, Trixie was one step ahead of her, and also had a far more intimate knowledge of the stallion's character. She rushed up to Ranma and planted a hoof on his shoulder, pre-empting the furious tirade that Luna was preparing.

"All right, shut up and listen. Trixie understands your position, okay? Really, Trixie almost agrees with you!" she hissed, almost nose-to-nose with the martial artist. "But a threat to Equestria is serious! You can't just risk Trixie's life and that of all the other less interesting and attractive ponies in the country just so you can get another shot at catching Swan Song!"

Twilight fully expected Ranma to brush off the unicorn with the same casual disdain he had shown Luna, but to her shock the stallion seemed to shrink back uncertainly, his ears flipping down and his eyes shifting away to search the ground. Obviously he gave Trixie's plea far more weight than he gave Luna's command. A fact that was not lost on the Lunar Princess, as she was visibly grinding her teeth now.

"This is important, Ranma! You said yourself that the MacGuffin Stone could potentially destroy the entire world! The greater good demands that you surrender the MacGuffin to Equestria! Not for yourself, but for Trixie! Plus everypony else! Trixie knows she can count on you to do the right thing!"

Ranma's head shifted up again, his crystal blue eyes meeting her pink ones. "See... that's the thing, though."

Trixie blinked. "What?"

"I only know two things about Princess Luna, here. One, she lost to Rite and Song, and would have been a goner if I hadn't randomly showed up at just the right time. And two, AFTER I saved her she somehow accidentally made me Public Enemy Number One in Equestria. That bat-pony from last night? Even before she turned into a monster, she sounded like she was angrier at me than the unicorns that had nearly killed her." He took a deep breath, raising his head high. "So, really, I can't seriously trust her or her government with a MacGuffin that could destroy the world. These are the same guys who let evil griffons run their towns and can't stop bandits and sorcerers from ambushing travelers on their main trading roads. Giving it to them would just be irresponsible. I'm pretty sure Rite will get the gem back as soon as I give it up."

There was a long, silent pause. Ranma squirmed uncomfortably under Trixie's gaze, but forced himself to keep eye contact.

Then Trixie turned around.

"Well, Trixie gave it her best shot. You're up, Sparkle," the magician sighed, walking past the purple alicorn.

Twilight began stuttering in surprise. She didn't actually manage to form a sentence, however, before a frustrated growl came from the larger of the Princesses.

"ENOUGH!!" Luna boomed, literally pushing Ranma back with the force of her shout. "I WILL TOLERATE NO MORE OF YOUR INSOLENCE!! THE MACGUFFIN STONE!! SURRENDER IT AT ONCE!!"

Ranma was more surprised than most at the almost ear-shattering demand, but he leaned forward into the waves of force and remained standing against Luna's Canterlot Voice. Then he glared up at her, defiant and unrepentant.

"No."

"What the blazes are they doing?"

Rite and Swan Song stood atop a stone watch tower just outside of Coltson, the former levitating a set of binoculars over his muzzle. A pair of guard ponies lay on the floor behind the sorcerers, comatose and bound in chains of bright crimson.

"What's wrong?" Swan asked anxiously. All she could see of the meeting road was a handful of tiny colored spots, but that alone was enough to confirm their worst fears: the Princesses had beaten them to the transformed martial artist, and thus the MacGuffin Stone.

In theory, their current "plan" called for meeting Calamity anyway and blindly charging ahead despite the absurd amount of power gathered against them, but in practice Rite was simply incapable of such a careless and unsophisticated approach. For which the sorcerers were thankful, given this new development.

"It looks like... are they fighting?" Rite asked, his jaw dropping open afterward.

Swan brightened. "REALLY? Calamity is attacking the Princesses? Let me see!"

The mare tried to wrest control of the binoculars from her superior, but Rite's magical aura fended off her telekinesis spell.

"Not that kind of fighting. It looks like they're arguing. Loudly," Rite mumbled.

Swan frowned, wishing not for the first time that she had put more serious effort into learning spells that didn't involve incinerating others. Some magic longsight or distance scrying would be very helpful right now. "So, are we going to attack or not? This is it, right? Our last stand?"

"It is," Rite assured her, "however, there may be a chance that-" He suddenly jerked his head back in shock.

Swan's eyes widened. Even from this distance, and even without any magnification, she saw a flare of bright blue come from the meeting of ponies down the road. The darkest and largest of the distant blurs, obviously Princess Luna, rose up above the others, her power boiling around her with an intensity that the unicorns could feel half a mile away.

"... Let us wait a while longer," Rite said, a smirk tugging at the edge of his cheek, "I think fortune might just favor us today..."

Luna's wings beat at the air and her magic spilled into the air around her like a run of water from a shattered dam. Cascades of shimmering blue washed over the ground, and the magic reverberations rattled Trixie, Twilight, and Spike physically, as if they had been caught in an earthquake. Luna's eyes were pure windows of white power, and her horn was a crackling lance of hot energy that stood half as long as she was. Her mane and tail expanded behind her of their own accord, glittering brighter as a few of the stars within the pools of darkness flashed into novas.

The Princess of the Night hovered over the others, the very picture of a scorned Goddess, eyes and magical focus locked onto the earth pony standing in the middle of the road. Her power buffeted him, kicking up waves of dirt and causing pebbles on the ground to hover and tremble.

Still, Saotome just stared up at her. Unmoved. Unimpressed. He had delivered his reply already, and was patiently waiting for her response. As if all the magic saturation and her highly visible frustration was a meaningless interruption in their conversation, like somepony sneezing.

Luna focused her mind, and the stallion was wrapped in an aura of sparkling blue. His mane and tail flattened, and his braids fell to hang straight down. His knees buckled slightly, and the martial artist grit his teeth while fighting against the pressure of the alicorn's telekinesis.

"SURRENDER THE MACGUFFIN STONE AT ONCE." Luna's voice was no longer the violent boom of the Canterlot Voice, but now a regal, echoing roar that seemed to come from everywhere at once. Twilight was quite sure there were ponies in nearby Coltson currently looking up at the sky in terror, convinced that angry, unseen Gods were making demands of them. "I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN."

Then Ranma stood up straight. The magic around him slipped away inexplicably, falling apart in an instant. Luna gaped in shock; she didn't know what had just happened, but she could swear that in the moment before her magic failed, the aura of power around Ranma had changed to a different shade of blue.

"No, I'm not giving you the magic rock," Ranma said flatly. "So if you're not going to repeat yourself again, I guess we're done here."

Luna began sputtering incoherently while still suspended in the air above.

"Of course, if you're really dead-set on getting the MacGuffin, I guess you could just try to blast me and take it," Ranma said, speculating aloud, "but Sparks doesn't seem like the type to go beating people up to take their jewelry." He arched an eyebrow. "Are you?"

Twilight and Trixie held their breath, uncertain as to the answer.

Princess Luna glowered. Never before have I faced such disrespect and defiance! Even as Nightmare Moon ponies at least had a proper fear of my power, if nothing else! But here is this mere earth pony, shrugging off my will as a mere... a mere TANTRUM, and daring me to escalate this to violence! He dares to challenge ME?

An excited tremor ran through the dusky alicorn. There was something curiously enjoyable about this confrontation now; after having her initial hopes crushed and her immediate goals denied, Luna's chest felt hot again. Her feathers ruffled, and her magical aura pulsed.

Subliminal feelings about Saotome's indomitable nature aside, Luna had to acknowledge that he had a point. While just about any action she took against just about anypony would be technically legal - being a diarch had its advantages - she couldn't simply smash Saotome into the ground and take his property like some lowly bandit. It just wasn't proper, and she would not condone such vile conduct.

Luna's eyes narrowed. There were, however, more dignified ways of smiting unruly citizens. She lowered herself back to the ground, her magical aura fading.

"Saotome Ranma!" the Princess of the Night shouted, her head held high. "I challenge you to a duel of honor!"

Ranma's other eyebrow rose.

"What?! Princess-" Twilight began to protest immediately, but Luna cut her off.

"The stakes are as follows! If I am victorious, then you shall relinquish the artifact, cease your employment with the Great and Powerful Trixie, and return with me to Canterlot!" the Dark Princess declared, finishing with a steaming snort.

Trixie's ear twitched. "Wait, you want him to go back with you too? Why?" Then she tilted her head to the side. "For that matter, what does he get if he wins?"

"If Saotome manages to defeat me in honorable combat, then he..." Luna trailed off for a moment. "Doesn't... have to do those things!" she finished awkwardly, completely dismissing Trixie's first question.

Twilight's head drooped. "Princess, there's no way he would even consider-"

"You're on!" Ranma shouted, interrupting Twilight again.

The purple pony immediately facehoofed, lost her balance, and then collapsed onto the ground in a heap.

Trixie's reaction was only slightly less dramatic. "Ranma! What do you think you're doing?! Why would you agree to that?!"

"It's an honor duel, Trix. I can't refuse," the pigtailed pony said, turning his head to the side. When he turned back to the others, the MacGuffin Stone was held between his teeth. "Spike, hold this." He spat it out, and the young dragon barely managed to catch the gem against his chest.

"... Wait..." Spike mumbled, looking down at the jewel in increasing concern. "Where were you hiding this?"

Twilight, after spending a moment to pick the grass from her mane, rushed over to Princess Luna. "Princess, please, you can't do this!"

"And why not?" the nocturnal alicorn said with an arched brow. "I have issued the challenge fairly and he has accepted. There is nothing untoward about this affair." Luna took up a position in the middle of the road, standing tall and waiting for her opponent to announce he was ready.

"This is the same thing as just attacking him and taking the gem! Referring to a brawl as a 'duel' and claiming that honor has anything to do with this doesn't change what's happening here!" Twilight hissed. "Duels aren't even legal anymore!"

"I suppose I do possess legal recourse," Luna mused, "he has defied a royal decree. It would perhaps be more appropriate for us to subdue and arrest him for treason, seizing the artifact for ourselves. But what is that but a theft labeled more favorably to appease our conscience?"

Twilight took a step back. "W-Well, I wasn't going to suggest-"

"We cannot leave without the artifact. Mister Ranma will not give it to us." Luna's horn flickered with power. "We will see how far he will go to protect this bauble. I was certainly not expecting to do battle with the stallion that had rescued me, but I must admit I am somehow... satisfied with this arrangement."

Twilight wilted, her ears and wings drooping. "Okay, but... could you go easy on him, at least?"

Luna snorted. "I will endeavor not to destroy him. Any less than that would be an insult to an accomplished warrior."

Twilight groaned and backed away.

"You're an idiot," Trixie said bluntly.

"Hey, she challenged me!" Ranma protested, stretching out one leg after another.

"And you ACCEPTED. You could have refused and just walked away, and the Princess would have either had to leave us alone or try to have you properly arrested. Instead, you agreed to fight her for the item that you already have. Thus, you are the idiot." Trixie scowled and stepped closer to the martial artist. "Exactly how do you think this is going to go, Ranma? What's happening in that golf-ball-sized monkey brain of yours?"

Ranma frowned, pausing in his warm-ups. "What, you think I'm going to lose?"

"It doesn't MATTER!" Trixie snapped. "If you lose, then Trixie is out a bodyguard and wagon colt! If you win, then Trixie is going to be associating with the stallion who beat up a Princess! Which, if you recall, is the heinous crime keeping you from walking freely amongst pony society in the first place!"

"This is different. I was accused of trying to assassinate this chick. Now I'm just accepting a challenge that she made. Totally legit." Ranma cracked his neck to the side.

Trixie screamed through clenched teeth. "Celestia's tail, you are so DENSE! You can't just go around beating up royal Princesses, even for 'legit' reasons! The only ones who do that are villains!"

"And you can't just go around taking my stuff, even if you're a Princess," Ranma retorted, "her 'royal decrees' don't mean squat to me."

"Ugh!" Trixie slapped a hoof against her muzzle. "This is going to create such a mess, no matter how it goes! Why don't you ever stop to think about how your actions affect Trixie?!"

"I feel like you do enough of that for both of us," the martial artist quipped, "anyway, can I get some cold water? I want this fight to be mare-on-mare."

Trixie hung her head and plodded off toward her wagon, reluctantly levitating a canteen out of the cargo hold.

"No, really, where was he keeping this?" Spike asked her as she trudged past, holding the MacGuffin Stone at arms' length. "He doesn't have any bags or pockets or anything!"

Luna and Ranma faced off in the middle of the road, some five meters of empty ground between them. The Equestrian Princess's mood had shifted dramatically from her earlier fury, and she stared down at her opponent with a calm smile. Ranma seemed quietly agitated by comparison, but not at all as troubled as everypony thought he probably should be while facing off against the Princess of the Night.

"You truly are a pony without fear," Luna mused, "whether fell sorcerer or royal alicorn, you challenge them as you see fit. But it will take more than courage to overcome me, Mister Ranma."

"I've got more than just courage going for me, so that's fine," the stallion retorted, "you sure you're ready for this, 'Princess'? I'm not going to hold back so that I don't mess up your space hair."

"You needn't worry about harming me," Luna scoffed, "by all means, I look forward to seeing what you're capable of when not challenging the dregs of Sister's magic school." Her horn sparked dangerously. "Are you prepared? You may begin when ready."

"Just a sec." Ranma looked over to Trixie and the canteen of water that was floating toward him. After a few seconds it floated over his head and then flipped upside-down, dumping its contents onto the stallion.

Ranma shook her mane out, her pigtail whipping about behind her head. "All right, let's do this!" she shouted, her wings snapping open.

Luna stood frozen in place, her eyes huge. "Wha... Tha... You..."

She was still stuttering when Ranma's hooves slammed into her chest.

Twilight recoiled as the Lunar Princess was knocked down the road, wings and legs flailing. The dusky alicorn bounced twice against the path, and then dug a shallow trench into the dirt before she skidded to a stop.

"Drat, drat, DRAT! I forgot! I completely forgot to tell Luna about Ranma's transformation!" the lavender mare chided herself.

"Which one?" Trixie asked.

Twilight's eyes bulged. "EITHER of them! I had no idea anything like this was going to happen!"

"Trixie pretty much expected this as soon as Princess Luna appeared, but it's still rather disappointing," Trixie sighed.

"Seriously! Where did this gem come from?! He couldn't have been holding it in his mouth all this time!" Spike said.

"... Huh. Was that it? Did I win?" Ranma asked. Luna was lying still in the road as a few dark feathers floated to the ground. Her ebony peytral lay in front of her, broken into two pieces; Ranma had deliberately struck the only part of Luna that could be considered armored to soften the blow and see what bizarre properties, if any, the alicorn's jewelry had. Not much, as it turned out.

"Uh... hey, are you all right?" she said, her voice weakening in concern. Ranma took a hesitant step toward the downed Princess. "You seemed pretty sure of yourself, so I put a decent amount of strength into that... I didn't think-"

Luna vanished in a sudden flare of blue flame. She reappeared behind the pegasus, nearly two meters in the air and her horn surrounded by a dark haze. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?!"

Ranma leapt to the side just before a screaming beam of dark purple smashed into the dirt. The beam plowed through the road for several meters before Luna let it dissipate, and the scent of ozone wafted from the scorched trench left over from the attack.

"Oh, okay. You're fine," Ranma mumbled. She spread a wing and flapped it to the side, warding away the fumes from the vaporized dirt. "Had me worried for a sec, there."

A huge sphere of darkness flickered into place over Ranma's head, like a swirling orb of shadow. Luna clenched her teeth as she gathered her power further, briefly forgetting that there were other ponies (and one dragon) easily within the blast radius. "You have the body of mare? And a pegasus? Are you a changeling?!" she demanded, her eyes flashing. "SPEAK, DECEIVER!!"

"No, it's nothing like that!" Twilight interrupted. "It's an involuntary shape-shifting magic! I forgot to mention it earlier! He's stuck under a permanent enchantment of some kind!"

Luna glanced toward Twilight hesitantly, and then looked back to Ranma. Ranma looked up at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Something wrong, Princess?" She asked, looking between Luna and the giant, inky sphere. "I don't mind if you call a time out, but if you get hung up on every little thing I do we're going to be out here all day."

The Princess of the Night snorted, and the shadow ball melted away to nothing. "I will not face some illusory body in a duel of honor! I do not know what you meant to accomplish by taking this form, but I will dispel it!"

Ranma blinked. "You... wait, really? You can do that?" Despite the prospect of having her curse lifted, she was cautious. Ranma had been burned plenty of times - sometimes literally - by possible cures turning up unexpectedly and then not working out.

Luna's magic aura built around her, and small runic circle flashed into being on the ground below.

Trixie felt the magic charge building, and she frowned.

Then she turned to address Twilight again. "Say, did you warn Princess Luna about that other thing? The thing where magic doesn't work on Ranma like it should?"

"GAH!" Twilight yelped. "Princess! Wait! Stop! Don't complete that spell!"

Luna couldn't hear the other alicorn, her mind practically swimming in the ethereal flows of magical power that surrounded her. Her aura probed the pegasus below, feeling the tangles of ancient spellcraft that saturated Ranma's soul.

She was honestly impressed. The pigtailed pony was completely wreathed in magic, not entirely unlike herself or Twilight. Unlike the alicorns, however, this was not a product of Ranma absorbing and channeling mana from the space around her. This magic clung to her spirit like tar, binding to her in ways that perplexed the Princess of the Night. Still, it was nothing that a bit of counter-magic couldn't clear up.

Or so Luna thought before Ranma turned to stone.

"Ohhhh that's not good," Trixie mumbled, her ears flipping down. Twilight's eyes widened in horror. Luna was so stunned to see the outcome of her spell that she forgot to keep hovering, and she barely managed to land properly.

"Okay, so Princess Luna won, right?" Spike asked, still holding the MacGuffin Stone as far away from him as possible. "So she can take the MacGuffin Stone? PLEASE tell me I don't have to hold onto this until we get home."

"Wh-What is this? I did not use a petrifaction spell!" Luna said, her horn flashing in desperation.

"Wait! No! Princess, you can't-" Twilight's cry for restraint came just slightly too late, and Luna's spell arced from her horn and down onto the pigtailed pony statue.

It promptly lit on fire.

"HOW?!" Luna demanded, backing away from her opponent.

"He has another condition where magic doesn't affect him normally!" Twilight shouted. "It generates a randomized magical effect whenever an enchantment is cast on him!"

The larger Princess stared at her incredulously. "Is there anything ELSE you wish to divulge about Saotome that you neglected to mention in the time we spent searching for him?!"

"Uh... well, actually there's quite a bit," Twilight replied, lowering her head in embarrassment, "in a nutshell, he's also a magically transmogrified simian from another world. Or he's a madpony who THINKS he's a magically transmogrified simian from another world. That part isn't entirely clear yet." Luna gaped wordlessly.

"What exactly did you talk about during all the time you spent looking for Ranma that none of these things came up?" Trixie asked.

"I was busy reading up on wilderness survival and local history! It was highly relevant, okay?" Twilight protested. "But that's not important! We have to find a way to dispel the petrification, or Saotome-"

A loud cracking noise came from the statue. Several chunks of scorched stone tumbled to the ground, revealing a darker layer of fur beneath it.

Trixie sighed and sat down while the other mares stared. "Trixie isn't even surprised anymore."

"Okay, I'm just going to come out and ask," Spike interjected, cringing, "did he keep this in his butt? That's the only place I can think of! Is this a butt gem?"

"Here's a cloth," Trixie muttered, levitating a towel out of her cart and magically flinging it onto Spike's head, "take it and stop whining, already."

More bits of flaming stone crumbled from around Ranma's neck and fell onto the road, and the entire statue began to tremble. Luna folded her wings and gulped, wondering if she should be trying to help somehow and how she might do so without casting another spell on the pegasus directly.

Then the magical red fire turned blue.

"HHHHYAAAAAAA!!" Ranma reared up as a cyan flare of energy exploded around her, ripping through the shell of granite. Bits of smoldering rock bounced across the dirt, forming a series of smoking rings around the pegasus.

The very angry pegasus.

"Ah... it was not my intention to harm you with that particular spell," Luna said, droplets of sweat forming on her brow, "I was not aware that-"

"Time in," Ranma interrupted, her eyes narrowing.

"Ah. Okay, yes. That will do," Luna mumbled, her horn flashing again.

Ranma took off to the side, her form blurring into a gray line before she zig-zagged down the road toward her opponent.

Luna was impressed at Ranma's speed, but already had a fair idea of the martial artist's super-equine abilities. The next spell she cast formed a barrier around her, generating a dark sphere before shifting into a translucent spectrum.

And not a moment too soon, as Ranma skidded past her and then aimed a back kick into Luna's side.

A ring-shaped pulse of blue energy blasted from the impact of hoof against shield, and a dark crack appeared in the magical barrier. Luna snapped her neck to the side, and her horn crackled before loosing a thin beam of black energy at her foe. Ranma threw herself to the ground, rolled under the sweeping beam, and then bounced up into the air with a quick flap of her wings to avoid a second shot of magic.

Luna teleported away rather than trying to keep twisting about to aim her shots, gaining some critical distance. When she reappeared several meters away, she rapidly prepared another magic bolt.

She didn't find a target, however. Ranma was nowhere to be seen. Her eyes lingered on the spectators for a moment, considering that the shape-shifting warrior might be using them as improvised cover, but she couldn't see the pegasus among them.

She did notice, however, that they seemed to be looking at something off to the side and above her.

There was a brief rustling of leaves from the trees behind her before Luna's opponent struck again. Ranma shot out of the tree tops and bounced off the top of the alicorn's barrier, leaving another seething crack behind before deflecting back into the treetops. Luna rounded on the shaking branches, and though she had already lost sight of her target, her horn flared with power.

The hapless tree was ripped in half lengthwise from a thick, black ribbon of lightning, and flaming shards of wood flew every which way from the blast. A second later Ranma landed on the ground some distance away, barely singed but plenty annoyed.

"Great, magic shields AND explosive lightning. I'm guessing you're not one of those Princesses that spends most of her life sleeping or going to boring parties," the pegasus muttered, hopping backward.

"On the contrary! I amuse myself mostly by subduing feral magic beasts!" Luna said before she jumped up into a hover again. A hot blue lash of energy arced up from the base of her horn to the tip. "Although this is certainly not how I had anticipated our meeting, Saotome, I must admit that I am quite pleased to test my might against an opponent of worth!"

"Yeah, definitely not a Disney Princess," Ranma said before leaping behind a tree. A long string of detonations ruptured the ground behind her, throwing up spikes of flame and displaced dirt.

Twilight Sparkle and Spike watched the battle in silence, their eyes darting back and forth between the gray blur weaving through the terrain and the dark Princess laying waste to said terrain behind her.

Fireballs slammed into the ground in volleys and lightning split trees in half. Luna carved apart the terrain with unholy abandon, shredding tree and stone below her like a capricious God. Her only limitation seemed to be her ability to track her agile target, for even as she annihilated the terrain she also kicked up obscuring waves of dust and smoke. Most ponies and probably even most monsters would have been too shell-shocked from frequent near-annihilation to seek refuge in the smoldering craters left behind, but Ranma was quick to take any advantage she could.

"I told her to hold back," Twilight groaned, watching as a pair of larger trees toppled to the ground in flames, "she could start a fire out here!"

"Trixie doubts it. The Princess is doing a good job snuffing out the flames with new explosions." Trixie was writing something down as she spoke, only glancing over a floating page of parchment occasionally to track the battle. "Say, if Trixie has need of a witness to testify that she was a helpless bystander in court, can Trixie contact you for that?"

Twilight gave her a look. "Why would you be indicted for anything? This has nothing to do with you."

"Trixie wishes to abstain from answering that," the unicorn replied, "now what character witnesses could Trixie use that aren't likely to also be put on trial..."

"Hey, guys?" Spike asked suddenly.

"Look, Trixie doesn't know where he keeps the gem, all right?" Trixie snapped, turning her head toward the dragon. "It's alien magic! Stop asking!"

Spike winced, and glanced back down at the towel in his hands that held their current objective. "No, it's not that. I was just thinking... Ranma shouldn't stand a chance against Luna because of her powerful magic... but magic doesn't work right on Ranma. Doesn't he... uh, she have the advantage, here?"

Twilight pursed her lips as she considered the matter. "That's true, but the fact that the effect is random still makes Luna's spells a serious threat. If we're to assume that his condition can trigger the full spectrum of magical effects possible from all known magic spells, a hefty majority of them would probably be a hindrance in a battle, even if they don't cause damage directly."

"Besides that, Trixie doubts it's actually completely random," Trixie interjected, "most of the time he just explodes."

The ground shook as another stretch of land exploded in the adjacent forest. Several more trees trembled and then slowly teetered over.

"I can't really make out Saotome anymore," said Spike, "should we move closer?"

"Trixie rather likes being able to see and hear the detonations without feeling them, too."

"Ah. Point."

"Tch! Where did he go now?" Luna growled, searching through the columns of smoke and billowing dust for any hint of her foe.

Concentrating briefly, her eyes turned a solid, blazing white. She peered back to the ground. The smoke and dust were invisible to her now, and the world around her was wrought in gently flowing streams of power. Seams of light threaded the cores of the trees and branched out into each leaf, giving the surrounding forest a glowing, skeletal appearance. The ground was a mesh of energy flows, giving it the look of churning rapids.

What she was looking for, however, was less a stream of power and more a single focal point. When she twisted around in the air, she found just that.

Ranma was like a tiny sun at she darted through the trees, almost blinding Luna just to look at her. The Princess of the Night was stunned, unable to make any sense of it. Ranma's magical energy was much greater than before, when she had probed the pegasus to undo her curse. That shouldn't have been possible. It wasn't as if the shape-shifting pony was tapping into the surrounding environment either, as many ponies did to fuel their abilities; it seemed like he was just summoning extra power from nowhere.

Luna's curiosity was short-lived, however. The brilliant aura of power suddenly shot toward her like a missile, reminding her a moment too late that she was still fighting a battle. Ranma crashed into Luna's barrier, and the Princess felt a surge of pain sting her horn as her shield finally shattered.

Ranma bounced up off the barrier and then hung in the air with her wings, briefly mesmerized by the sight of the magic shield breaking apart into prismatic shards and fading away. Then she let herself fall, somersaulting and striking out at Luna on her way down.

Luna grunted from the blow, but remained hovering while her foe landed. Her eyes shifted back to normal, as did her vision.

"Ha! Let's see how well you do without your sissy little magic shield!" Ranma shouted, skidding along the ground awkwardly. She still hadn't quite worked out how to land properly.

Luna's horn flashed again. "Yes, let us see!"

A magical pulse blasted out from the alicorn, approaching Ranma in a vast wave. The martial artist couldn't see any way to really avoid it, but tried jumping as the wall of magic reached her.

Luna laughed when Ranma's form was swallowed by a dark shroud in mid-air. "You may be quick on your hooves, but nopony is beyond the reach of my magic! You-"

Ranma hit the ground underneath Luna, completely encased in a block of ice.

"... That was not supposed to happen," Luna mumbled, frowning, "by the ancients, this is frustrating. How am I supposed to safely subdue my foe when she reacts to my spells like this?"

"This is supposed to be 'safely' subduing her?!" came a shout from nearby.

Luna twisted her head around, and then spotted an unfamiliar earth pony mare crouched behind a tree. The pony had a camera with her, and was currently entwined in tendrils of writhing shadow and pinned to the ground. It was the effect that was supposed to have immobilized Ranma as well, although Luna had to admit that freezing him solid technically accomplished the same thing.

"What are you doing here? Who are you?" Luna demanded.

"Oh, nopony important, just a local who was a bit curious as to why the forest was blowing up!" the mare grunted, straining against the magical darkness. "Um... could you let me go, Princess? Please?"

Luna's horn flickered, and the magic tendrils disintegrated in an instant. The mare staggered upright, rather surprised.

"Apologies, citizen. I was not aware you were within my spell's area of effect," Luna said, "but you must withdraw at once. I cannot guarantee your safety if..." She trailed off suddenly, staring down at the mare's camera. She also seemed to have a cutie mark of a folded newspaper. "Hold. What were you doing with-"

A cracking noise interrupted the alicorn, and Luna whirled back around just in time to see the miniature iceberg containing Ranma break apart into misty shards.

"Geez! Would it kill this stupid magic allergy to drop me a 'heal' or 'energize' spell once in a while? Those exist, right?" Ranma shuddered and wiped off her face with her wing.

Luna quickly turned away from the civilian, forgetting her previous question. "Quickly! Go!" Her horn crackled with power, and the mare gaped as she launched a screaming missile of dark flame down at the pegasus.

However surprised she was to see Princess Luna unleashing her eldritch magic against another pony, the bystander was completely stunned to see the target pegasus vault over the blast, launch high into the air, and then dive into Luna hooves-first. Both ponies went tumbling to the ground, rolling along into a steaming crater.

"Hel-LO payday!" the mare breathed as she raised her camera.

"So... how exactly do you know Saotome, anyway?" Twilight asked, giving Trixie a sidelong glance.

"Trixie told you. Trixie is his employer," the unicorn replied, carefully avoiding eye contact.

"That doesn't really explain much," Twilight frowned at Trixie. "You're obviously familiar with his story and his abilities, as well as his connection with an ancient artifact that could potentially bring all of Equestria to ruin. It's more than a little strange that you, of all ponies, would end up as his boss."

Trixie finally turned to glare at Twilight. "What's strange about it? That dunderhead would be lost and starving if it weren't for Trixie!"

"Uh huh," the purple Princess seemed unconvinced. "What does he do for you, exactly?"

"He's Trixie's bodyguard. He also handles any other tasks that require raw strength and minimal thinking, such as pulling the wagon."

"Okay, yeah, I can see him being good at that," Spike mused.

"Feh! You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Trixie asked, her expression souring. "However, so far he's spent as much time starting fights that have nothing to do with Trixie as he has defending Trixie from enemies! It's a disgrace, Trixie tells you!"

"Should I ask why a stage magician would have enough enemies that she would even CONSIDER hiring a guard?" Twilight asked.

"No, you shouldn't," Trixie replied sharply. Then she stood up. "Trixie hasn't heard anything explode in a little bit. Do you think they're done?"

"Nope, but you are!" Chirped a voice from behind them. "VOLT CRASH!"

Trixie seized up as soon as she heard the voice, recognizing it instantly. Spike turned around, surprised and having no idea what to expect. Only Twilight, who felt the sudden magic build-up, managed to take a proper countermeasure, throwing up a magic barrier around them before the attack hit.

The explosion was like a thunderclap, and Twilight's skull seemed to rattle from the shock wave and tremendous noise. Her barrier collapsed a moment later. She and the others had been protected from the force and heat of the blast, but were still disoriented and deafened.

"Swan Song! She's here!" Trixie cried.

"WHAT?!" Spike screamed, his claws pressed over his ear-fins.

"I said the evil unicorns are here!" Trixie shouted, dashing behind a tree for cover.

"We don't have time for that!" Twilight shouted, her horn flickering. "I think the rebel unicorns are attacking!"

Twin bursts of magic came from the trees, and Twilight leapt up into the air to take flight, avoiding the barrage. Spike saw a flash of crimson light and yelped, throwing himself to the ground while the energy bursts screamed overhead.

Twilight flew higher, zeroing in on the source of the attacks. Then she vanished in a flash of purple light.

"Hm? Where'd she..." Swan Song had been aiming her next volley when her target had disappeared, and she took a moment to concentrate on detecting any nearby magic discharges.

She then concentrated on ducking, having sensed just such a buildup behind her. "YEEP!" A beam of white-hot magic sliced over her head, coming close enough to singe her mane.

"Hey!" the sorceress shouted, bouncing to her hooves and whirling around. "Are you trying to kill me?! The good guys are supposed to subdue the bad guys alive, to be processed by your fragile and useless 'criminal justice system'! What the hay is wrong with you?!"

Twilight frowned. "Are you surrendering? I still can't hear anything! It doesn't look like you're surrendering!" Her horn started to glow again.

"Aw, fireballs..."

Spike waited several seconds after the last magic explosion before he cracked an eye open. "Are we okay? Is it over?"

"The gem!" Trixie screamed, barely overcoming Spike's fading deafness. "They're after the MacGuffin Stone!"

"Right! Of course!" Spike pushed himself up to his knees, and then unwrapped the gem in his hands. "I can just eat it! Then it's game over!" He took up the glimmering artifact and opened his mouth.

Then he halted, the gem less than an inch from his lips.

"Well?! What are you waiting for?!" Trixie demanded. Another round of magical blasts could be heard from deeper in the forest, no doubt from Twilight engaging Swan.

"It's just..." Spike cringed and pulled away from the magic stone. "We never really worked out where Saotome was keeping this. Are we SURE he wasn't-"

Spike's question was cut off when a hoof slammed into his head, throwing him back to the ground. The MacGuffin Stone bounced away, onto the dirt, and was then wrapped in a glimmering white aura.

"Sorry, child. But I need that," Rite said, stepping past the young dragon. The MacGuffin Stone floated over to him, and he closed his eyes briefly to confirm the gem's presence. "Yes! This is it! I have it at last! Again!"

His horn flickered, and he started to turn around. "Now I just need to help Swan Song ward off Sparkle, and-"

"HALT, VILLAIN!!" Rite felt his heart leap up to his throat as Luna's voice came from behind him. He whirled around, and then his eyes bulged as he saw a huge, shadowy equine form floating in the air above. Its eyes were burning slashes of crimson, and cloudy wisps of darkness trailed from its hooves. "SURRENDER THE MACGUFFIN STONE AT ONCE, AND LUNA SHALL SPARE YOUR LIFE!! THIS IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY CHANCE, FOUL SORCERER!!"

Rite blinked, and then his eyes narrowed. "Princess Luna does not speak in the third pony."

"OH, SURE, LIKE YOU'VE EVER HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HER. ERM, WITH LUNA. WHO IS ME," the imposing figure scoffed in a slightly less booming voice.

"I have, actually," Rite said, "also, I can see your tail from behind the tree, Trixie."

The slim lock of blue and silver hair quickly slid completely behind the obscuring flora.

A scream came from the forest, and Rite grit his teeth. That had been Swan Song. He really didn't have time to indulge a powerless magician's desperate heroics right now.

"OKAY, FINE. SO TRIXIE KIND OF DROPPED THE BALL ON THIS ONE. BUT LET'S BE FAIR, TRIXIE HAD TO THINK QUICK WHEN... HEY! GET BACK HERE! TRIXIE WAS TALKING! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

"To deal with somepony who matters!" Rite snapped as he galloped into the woods. The MacGuffin Stone followed behind him, sparking with energy in the grip of his magic.

Trixie started sputtering in fury, leaping out from behind her hiding spot. Spike gasped and scrambled to his feet, shouting into the forest after the stallion. "TWI! LOOK OUT!!"

"GYAH!" Swan stumbled as the ground underneath her suddenly seemed to crumble away. After a moment she realized that the dirt under her hooves had turned to quicksand, and that she had already sunk down to her belly.

Immobilized and more panicked than ever, she twisted her head around and fired off another attack spell. "White wing!" Pressurized air formed into blade-like arcs and whipped through the forest behind her, curving wildly to cover as wide an area as possible.

Twilight simply vanished in another burst of purple, avoiding the swarm of projectiles easily. She reappeared on the other side of the quicksand pit she had created, landing in front of the sorceress.

Swan Song quickly whipped her head back around, already charging another spell. "PolymOW!" Her head rocked back as a purple flare engulfed her horn, and the magic charge fizzled instantly.

"None of that," Twilight said darkly, narrowing her eyes at the immobilized mare, "feel free to give up whenever. My ears are still ringing a little, so you can just nod or shake your head."

"TWI! LOOK OUT!!" came a shout from beyond the trees.

Twilight glanced off to the side. "Hm? Did someone mention books?"

"Awww... there's no way I'm going to earn a window for moderately inconveniencing a Princess! This sucks!" Swan complained. She felt her body sink another few inches. "This physical predicament ALSO sucks, but in a different and much more literal way!"

Twilight turned her attention back to her opponent. "You want a what? A window? What did you say?"

The green unicorn pouted. "You wouldn't understand. You already have some. AND you can talk to Calamity without getting kicked. It's not fair!"

"Calamity? Are you trying to cast another spell?" Twilight's eyes narrowed. "That won't work. I temporarily disabled your horn. Between that and the quicksand, you're helpless. Give it up! It's over!"

Swan Song adopted a look of angry defiance, and also raised her speaking volume a little more so her enemy could hear her. "I may be immobilized and have no magic... but I can still keep your attention fully occupied while somepony else gets you from behind!"

Twilight's eyes widened, and her horn flashed. In the same instant, a glowing gemstone landed on her back, surrounded by a ring of runic sigils.

"GAH! What?!" Twilight jumped away into the air, flapping her wings in a panic. She had been meaning to teleport, but for some reason the spell failed at the last second.

Rite stood below, staring up at the Princess with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Blood Rite!" Twilight growled.

"Oh, hey, she knows your full name," Swan observed. Then she sunk another inch, dropping down to her neck. "Uh... little help?"

Twilight tried to cast an attack spell immediately, but felt the energy get sucked away with no effect. "What? What did you do? My magic!"

"Your magic is my magic now, Princess Sparkle," Rite said. Oddly enough, he didn't sound angry, happy, or even the slightest bit sinister while informing her of her fate. In fact, he sounded rather... resigned. "The MacGuffin Stone already has you. You, as it turns out, will be my catalyst." He reached a hoof down and touched Swan Song's head. After a moment of concentration, he teleported her free of the quicksand and onto the ground next to her.

"Ugh. Thanks," the sorceress mumbled, shaking herself like a dog and spraying wet sand everywhere.

Twilight was bobbing unsteadily in the air, trying to get a good look at the artifact on her back. A high-pitched keening sound was coming from it now, slowly rising in pitch. "The MacGuffin Stone? What is it doing?!"

"It's trapping you within it. You are now the stone's power source. Don't worry, the process is painless and temporary," Rite explained.

"Urgh! This isn't painless!" Twilight shouted, wincing. "It feels like my fur is burning!"

The sorcerer winced. "Oh. Uh... sorry about that, then. I kind of just assumed it was painless." Then he paused. "Also, it's only 'temporary' insofar as I'm planning to let you out eventually."

"You're a monster!" Twilight seethed. She could no longer feel her horn at all, and she was swiftly losing altitude as she lost feeling in her wings, as well. "You'll never get away with this! Princess Celestia will stop you!"

She couldn't help but notice that Rite seemed perturbed by her words, as if he was actually taking the desperate, angry curses of a defeated enemy seriously. Swan Song's reply was more traditionally villainous.

"Ha! That lazy, glorified lightswitch couldn't stop a cab!" Swan grinned as she watched the purple Princess land unsteadily. "With the pigtailed stud and the Insomnia Princess inexplicably fighting each other out of earshot, you're helpless! And with her favorite henchmare out of the picture, so is Celestia!"

"But you forgot about ME!"

Rite and Swan jumped around at the shout, and then blinked in surprise. Spike emerged from some bushes, his claws clenched into fists and his breath heaving.

"...... Anyway," Rite said, turning back to Twilight, "the process should be complete in a few moments. You'll be absorbed into the MacGuffin Stone, and you will lose consciousness until the moment you're ejected."

"HEY! Don't ignore me!" Spike shouted. His knees were shaking slightly as he glared up at the sorcerers. "I may not be some mighty Princess, but I can fight, too!"

"No! Spike, run!" Twilight shouted. "It's too dangerous!" Spike didn't listen, and his cheeks puffed up while he aimed at Rite's backside.

A runic barrier sprung up behind Rite, shimmering with white light as Spike blasted a jet of fire into it. The magic construct barely flickered until Spike wheezed out the last spark of flame, and then it quickly faded away. Rite hadn't even turned around.

"... So... should we kill him?" Swan asked, glancing toward her employer.

"Meh," Rite shrugged, "if you need something to do until Miss Sparkle is finished being absorbed, go ahead."

Spike immediately turned around to flee, but then he found his tail snagged by a telekinetic grip. He was pulled up into the air, and he flailed his arms helplessly while hanging upside-down.

"No! You can't! He's just a child!" Twilight shouted.

"A child dragon, though. I'm ambivalent," Rite mumbled.

"I'm more sympathetic toward dragons, actually. It comes from my studies of your culture and society," Swan admitted, pulling Spike closer until he was just out of swiping range of her nose, "on the other hoof, your suffering apparently infuriates Sparkle, and I kind of like that. Decisions, decisions..."

Twilight started shouting incoherently as the MacGuffin Stone's light continued building, and the keening noise reached a terrible crescendo.

"... Actually, I suppose I should kill you anyway, to get rid of any witnesses. It would help us out if the others had no idea what exactly happened to you," Swan reasoned.

"That won't work. That unicorn was there, too," Rite interjected, "the 'Great and Powerful' one."

"Oh. Too bad." Then Swan frowned. "So, wait, where is she right now, then?"

"Probably getting help," Spike admitted, "that's what I should have done. Hindsight, you know?"

Swan Song frowned more deeply. Then she dropped her magical grip on Spike, jumped over to Twilight, and started beating her hooves on the ground rapidly in a panicked sequence.

"Hurry hurry hurry hurryhurryhurryhurryHURRYHURRYHURRYHURRY..."

Ranma zipped around the forest like a pinball, deflecting off of trees in a chain of flickering gray blurs.

She spread her wings at a decisive moment, suddenly curving upwards and barely avoiding running headlong into a swirling black orb.

Luna clicked her tongue, and her body flashed blue and disappeared just before Ranma dive-bombed into her. She reappeared higher up, just in time to watch the flailing pegasus smash into the ground and then bounce along the forest floor, eventually rolling into a smoldering crater left over from an earlier fireball.

"Such grace and agility!" Luna put a hoof to her muzzle and giggled. "Your speed boggles the mind, yet I have seen pegasi toddlers conduct better landings!"

Ranma climbed out of the crater, and then spat some dirt onto the ground next to her. "You got a point. At this rate, I might end up defeating myself!" She smirked. "Not like you could, since your only moves seem to be magically running away and blowing up innocent trees."

Luna's eyes narrowed. "Were your skill at flight half as sharp as your banter, I would be doomed, without question. As it stands, however, I am quite beyond your abilities, peasant."

Luna's horn flashed, and Ranma was instantly surrounded by a blue glow.

"Aw, dammit! No! Stop doing that! It doesn't work!" Ranma groaned. Apparently some of Luna's spells didn't need to be aimed at her like a projectile, and the only real defense she had against them was the magic allergy. Which amounted to her hoping that the random magical effect wasn't that bad.

This time, after the effect passed, nothing happened, as far as she could tell. Ranma took a moment to take stock of her body, and she felt no numbness, missing limbs, or catastrophic changes in temperature.

"Ha! I guess that one was no good!" the pegasus grinned.

Luna grinned back.

"Aw, damn it. What happened?" Ranma groaned.

The Lunar Princess cast a different spell, and a silvery pool appeared in the air before Ranma. The pegasus blinked, and then recoiled in shock. Where before her mane had been generally unkempt with a braid, now it was bushy and stood over a foot atop her head.

"A perm?! And not even a good one! I could do better than this with four minutes and a few twigs!" Ranma snapped. "You'll pay for that!"

Luna snickered, still hovering overhead. "Truly, this is the most fun I've had fighting in ages. After you return to Canterlot with me, perhaps we may duel again without a crucial artifact hanging in the balance."

"Fat chance, moonbutt!" Ranma shouted, leaping backward. She stood up on her hind legs, and then her aura exploded around her.

Luna recoiled in the air, blinking rapidly. For a moment she believed she had returned to using her witchsight, but obviously the rest of her vision was working in the ordinary light spectrum. Ranma was now surrounded by a furious blue haze, similar to a unicorn or alicorn's magical aura. The differences were as profound and bizarre as the similarities, however; Ranma's aura covered her entire body, and surged around her like a roaring flame. It felt less like the gentle manipulations of magic spells, which altered the surrounding flows of energy, and more like a magical item being destroyed, with a sudden rush of power from a single point.

What was even more strange is that this new not-magic was quickly being drawn back into a different point, focused between Ranma's front hooves.

"It's time I got half-way serious about this!" the pigtailed pony growled. "Mouko..."

"WAIT!! STOP!!"

Ranma stumbled in surprise, and immediately lost her balance. She collapsed onto her belly, and her aura winked out.

Luna pouted, getting the distinct impression that she had just missed out on something important. Then she looked over to where the shout had come from.

Trixie galloped through the smoke columns, panting heavily. She spotted Ranma pushing herself up off the ground, and Luna hovering high over the treetops. Plus some other pony taking photographs from a semi-safe distance. Whatever.

"Quit fighting, you two!" Trixie yelled.

"Why should we? Just because we harbor no actual malice for one another?" Luna snorted.

"Or because we have the same enemies?" Ranma scoffed.

"Perhaps you'd like to point out how the events leading up to the conflict have already been determined to be a misunderstanding?"

"You're not going to lecture me again about how this is a really stupid decision, are you?"

Trixie's leg trembled mightily as she forced herself not to raise her hoof and smash it into her face. She wasn't sure her skull could handle the impact. "No! Or rather, YES, but also: Rite and Song showed up and attacked us while you two morons were tearing up the woods!"

Ranma and Luna gasped. The photographer pony frowned, scratched her head, shrugged, and then snapped another picture of Luna looking horrified.

Ranma grimaced. "Okay, this is bad. But don't worry; they're after the MacGuffin Stone! As long as I have it, they can't win!"

Trixie glared silently at the pegasus.

"...... CHIKUSHOU!" Ranma cursed in Japanese, slapping her hoof against her forehead.

Luna vanished in a burst of shadowy energy, teleporting toward the road. Trixie beckoned to Ranma to follow her back toward the site of the ambush.

"Come on! There's no time to wallow in regret! Trixie will ensure you do that later!" the magician shouted.

"Just a moment, please," said the unfamiliar mare. Ranma and Trixie stopped, frowning at her. "Brassy Bugle, of the Coltson Bugle! I've been snapping photos of the redhead fighting the Princess for the past several minutes, and was wondering if you'd like to add some context with an interview?"

"For the first time in Trixie's life, Trixie has more important things to do than indulge the fawning press! The future of Equestria could hang in the balance right now!" Trixie snapped at the mare. "Only one question! Then Trixie has to go!"

Brassy hesitated for a moment. "Well... okay, fine. If I only have one, I'll go with: what's that mare's name?" She asked, pointing a hoof at Ranma.

"I'm-" Ranma barely managed

"Calamity! Her name is Calamity! Leaving now!" Trixie shouted, bolting away.

"Gah! Dammit, Trix! Stop doing that!" Ranma took off after the unicorn, growling.

Brassy watched them go, then shrugged and started heading in the other direction.

"Hmm... 'Madpony Calamity Assaults Princess in Battle to Determine Fate of Equestria'. Yeah, that'll sell. I kind of get the feeling that there was a lot more to the situation than that, but hey. If they won't tell me, what am I supposed to do?" Brassy giggled and trotted back home.

"Again with the nickname? Can you let ME manage my fake identities, please?" Ranma shouted at Trixie while they dashed through the woods.

"We have more important concerns than Trixie absolutely not letting you do that!" Trixie shouted back. "When Trixie left, Sparkle was fighting the sorcerers! But Rite managed to nab the MacGuffin Stone! Trixie isn't sure if they can use it to overcome her or if she can even handle both of them, or what!"

Ranma groaned. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Then she turned back to her employer. "Is Spike okay?"

"Is who okay?"

"Spike!"

There was a pause filled by the sound of hooves thumping against the forest floor.

"Like, a specific spike? Are we talking a wooden spike, or a metal one?"

"No! Spike's the little dragon guy that follows Sparks around!" Ranma clarified.

"That thing has a name?" Trixie asked, perplexed.

"Of course! Why wouldn't he?"

"Huh... Trixie supposes you're right. Pets usually do have names. Somehow it just never occurred to Trixie."

"Whatever! Is he okay?"

"Just because Trixie suddenly recognizes the lizard as a unique, independent creature doesn't automatically mean she cares. By the way, what happened to your mane?"

Ranma groaned again, putting on a little bit of speed to get ahead of Trixie. She could have easily left Trixie behind entirely, but she had already made the mistake of charging out of sight of the unicorn once already today.

A few seconds later they cleared the last few blast craters in front of the main road, and Ranma skidded to a stop.

"Oh, no..."

Luna stood next to Spike, who was seated under a tree and hugging his knees to his chest tightly. They both looked devastated, and it wasn't hard to guess why; there were no signs of a magic battle going on nearby. Fresh scorch marks decorated the side of the road, and Ranma noted a few new clusters of debris that weren't here before. But the forest was silent.

"They got Twilight," Spike said miserably, "they used the dumb gem and captured her in it, and then teleported out. They're gone. SHE'S gone. I couldn't do a thing." He sniffled and wiped his nose.

"This... This can be remedied," Luna said nervously, glancing over to Ranma and Trixie. "We can find them. We WILL find them."

"Yes! We can!" Trixie said decisively, stepping forward and setting her jaw. "Ranma can detect the MacGuffin Stone! And as for Sparkle being sucked into it, it's been verified that ponies can also be knocked OUT of it! We can save Princess Twilight Sparkle!"

"Uh... yeah... about that..." Ranma winced while she turned her head left and right with her eyes shut. "The MacGuffin sense thing... isn't working."

Trixie whirled around. "What? It's not?! How?!"

"I don't know. I don't even know why it worked to begin with," the martial artist mumbled, turning in a full circle, "but I'm not getting anything. Not so much as a blip. I'm MacGuffin-blind."

"So... that's it? There's nothing we can do?" Spike asked, his voice shaking unsteadily. "They've won?"

"No! Absolutely not!" Trixie said, her eyes narrowing and her chest puffing up.

Luna and Spike quickly turned hopeful gazes toward the magician, while Ranma set her jaw and likewise waited for her new plan.

Trixie stared back, looking slightly surprised by the sudden attention. "Trixie meant 'no, there's nothing we can do,' not 'no, they haven't won'. Trixie's got nothing."

Spike slumped over again. Luna felt a wrenching sensation in her stomach.

"This cannot be... this... this is all my fault," Luna hissed, hanging her head. "It was I who defied Sister's prohibitions... I who convinced Sparkle to aid me and refused to retreat when we got wind of the sorcerers. I who insisted upon a duel when there were more important concerns at hoof!"

"Aw, don't be like that, Princess," Trixie said sympathetically, "you can blame Ranma for everything if it makes you feel better. Trixie usually finds that it does."

"NO!!" Luna roared in the Canterlot Voice, knocking the others over with a tremendously loud shout. She turned her gaze to the heavens, hot tears running down her cheeks. "I WILL CORRECT THIS!! I WILL RESCUE TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND PUT AN END TO THIS REBELLION!!"

The dark alicorn started rising into the air, and a furious torrent of shadowy magic swirled about her horn as her eyes glowed a solid white. "HEAR ME, BLOOD RITE!! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS TRANSGRESSION!! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOU AND YOUR MAD AMBITIONS ARE BURIED!!"

Princess Luna's horn pulsed, and the clouds overhead spontaneously darkened. After a few seconds the magical energy reached a peak, and the dusky alicorn was swallowed completely by a wave of night-black energy.

When the tides of magic receded again, Luna was gone.

"Great," Spike mumbled bitterly, twisting a claw in his ear, "now I'm sad AND deaf."

Author's Note

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria (two counts), assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (two counts), vandalism (multiple counts), resisting arrest, assaulting an officer (multiple counts), assaulting a soldier of Equestria, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice, high treason, conspiracy to rebellion, illegal deforestation, terrible hair.

It's not clear at all where Ranma ever got money, even though Nabiki somehow managed to fleece him regularly. He worked at the Cat Café that one time, but he's never seen doing any other sort of paid work, and it isn't implied that he worked there for non-plot reasons. So I reached the logical conclusion to explain his cash flow: Ranma is an RPG hero.
As always, I had considerably difficulty deciding where to place a major Princess on a combat power scale. I'm sure I'll have my share of readers who think Ranma should have walloped Luna, and others who think Luna held every possible advantage. In either case, I invite you all to assume that whoever you think should have won was holding back so as not to permanently harm her opponent.

Coltson

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 9

Coltson

"At attention, soldiers! Form up!"

In the barracks yard behind Canterlot castle, over three hundred pony soldiers shuffled into strict, narrow lines of grimacing faces and gleaming armor. Pegasi, earth ponies, and unicorns formed into discrete groups, with the ranking officers standing at the front. Spears jutted toward the sky in a forest of steel pikes, while the clatter of hooves against stone rose to a deafening pitch.

Then, all at once, the ponies fell silent, standing in position.

In front of them, a trio of older ponies looked over the assembled soldiers, inspecting their army. An earth pony stood at the front, a warhammer hanging from his neck, while a muscular pegasus mare and a bearded unicorn stallion stood behind him. The unicorn was already scowling, and the magic of his horn suspended several large scrolls in the air next to him.

"For those of you who have had your heads up your arses since enlisting, I am General Granite!" Roared the earth pony. "Those behind me are General Wrath and General Firebrand! We have convened here to give you all a mass briefing on a sudden and rising threat to our fair nation!"

The unicorn, Firebrand, stepped forward. The scrolls floated ahead of him, trapped in the blue aura of his magic. "If any of you louts read the news or stay up-to-date on the recent bounties, then you're probably already familiar with these faces. Regardless, we wanted to make this official."

Three scrolls unwound, revealing sketches of three ponies: Blood Rite, Swan Song, and Ranma Saotome.

"All three of these ponies are wanted for numerous crimes against the throne, chief among them being conspiracy to rebellion!" Granite announced, stamping an iron-shod hoof against the ground. "As of yet, they don't seem to have any kind of greater movement behind them. We've received no reports of local support or advertisement of their cause. So we're not sure exactly how they think their little 'revolution' is going to work!" He paused for a snort of contempt. "However, these ponies are anyway extremely dangerous and must be stopped at ALL costs!"

Firebrand pushed Swan's poster forward. "The sorceress lackey, Swan Song." He pulled it back and raised Ranma's. "The destructive rogue known as Havoc." Then Rite's picture took center stage. "And finally, the ringleader of this crew of traitors, the genius sorcerer Blood Rite!"

Numerous scowls and growled murmurs came from the collected ranks.

The pegasus General, Wrath, stepped forward to speak. "Every one of these equines possesses considerable strength, although at the moment it's believed that they lack the overwhelming magical power of individuals such as Discord or Queen Chrysalis. It should be noted that Havoc's abilities in particular are a mystery, and heavily disputed. But our mission is clear." Then she cleared her throat. "This mission may seem somewhat... unorthodox, or downright ruthless. But I assure you, it is entirely necessary."

The armored mare raised a wing to point toward Rite's image. "This stallion must be destroyed, soldiers. Not stopped, not captured, but REMOVED from existence. If you come upon the opportunity, you are to finish him without mercy or hesitation!"

At this command, many of the soldiers exchanged doubtful looks or shuffled their hooves awkwardly. While none of them would refuse to take the life of a committed enemy of Equestria, the command to kill an enemy no matter what the circumstances was indeed unusual. None of them could recall receiving such an order before.

"Now that we have that out of the way, we will discuss their abilities and last known locations!" barked Granite. "We received a report from the Lunar Guard..."

Nearly an hour later, the trio of Generals were seated around a heavy oak table. A regional map sat upon it, with pins and markings noting important areas. Three short glasses were filled with amber liquor and parceled out by Firebrand's magic.

"This drink is a little younger than I'd like, but I don't think this is an occasion for celebration," the unicorn quipped.

"Hmph. Agreed. Save our best for the debriefings, after we have this insolent rodent's head in a sack," Granite grunted before taking up the glass in his hoof. "Rebellion. Pah! The very idea!"

Wrath took up her own glass with a wing, holding it up and peering at the lamplight through the amber fluid and ice. "Three ponies hardly makes it a rebellion. We use the word because it's convenient, but what are these but base criminals with delusions of grandeur?"

"Criminals that you've sentenced to death without trial," Firebrand growled, narrowing his eyes at his compatriots.

"Not ALL of them. Just the red mule," Granite snorted. "And so what? What do you think his trial would be like?" He shifted to a high-pitched, vaguely feminine voice. "Oh, no Mr. Magistrate, I didn't ACTUALLY mean to commit acts of violent upheaval against the Equestrian throne! I'm sure Princess Luna just misunderstood being ambushed in the middle of the night! Can't you take a joke?"

"Do not be so glib about this, Granite," Firebrand snapped, pausing to take a sip of his drink. "Princess Celestia won't be very happy with us, either, when she hears about the exact nature of our orders. You know very well she asked for Rite to be taken alive."

"He's too dangerous for that. We know it, and she knows it," Wrath protested, "her benevolence clouds her judgment. A fine attitude for managing the kingdom, certainly, but military affairs have never been her forte."

"So we disobey the royal authority for the sake of the kingdom. Sounds curiously rebellious to me," Firebrand grimaced and drained his glass.

"Don't compare me to that treasonous scoundrel!" Granite snapped.

"I wouldn't dare. He might very well show you up, and I'm depressed enough as it is," Firebrand retorted.

While the two stallions glared at each other, Wrath glanced up at the ceiling, sipping her own drink. "How well did you know him?" she asked, putting down her glass. "Out of all of us, you're the only one who ever met Blood Rite."

"He despised that name," Firebrand grumbled, levitating the liquor bottle up in front of him so he could stare at the label. "The 'Blood' part, I mean. It was always a hindrance to him."

"Oh, I don't think it's much of a hindrance now that he spends his days attacking Princesses and terrorizing villages," Granite grumbled, "I'd say it fits him quite well."

"That's the point, stone-skull," Firebrand sighed, dropping the bottle onto the table, "our names are reflections of who we are. A piece of our destiny inserted into every introduction we make. And his reminded every pony that met him that he could probably dissolve their hearts inside their chests. Not such a problem now, as you said, but when trying to impress the faculty of our Princess's School for Gifted Unicorns, it's quite a disadvantage."

"Still, he did it, right? And even became Princess Celestia's personal apprentice," Wrath said, shaking her head, "and now look at him. No wonder she's devastated."

"Oh, as if he's the only one of those to go off the rails." Firebrand grimaced and poured himself another drink. "You all remember Sunset Shimmer."

The two other Generals stared at him blankly. "Who?"

"Right. Memory spells. Never mind." The unicorn sighed. "My point is, our Princess has something of a history with her students falling from grace, as it were. I still expect Twilight Sparkle to snap one of these days and vaporize Ponyland, or whatever that wretched backwater was called. But Rite was different. He was more measured. A cool head, a fair temperament, and an impenetrable sense of humility. Even after..."

He trailed off, his expression darkening further.

"It wasn't your fault," Granite grumbled.

"It wasn't ANYPONY'S fault! That's the problem!" Firebrand snapped, quickly downing the next glass of liquor. "Yet Rite was thrown out on his rump! Exiled! Excised! His life obliterated because of..." he hissed, unable to complete the sentence. "And now, look at him. The target of Equestrian kill squads."

"Do you think we're wrong?" Wrath asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Now? No. Absolutely not. He has willingly made himself our enemy, and deserves whatever he gets for that decision," Firebrand said firmly, shaking his head. "But our current crisis is the entirely foreseeable consequence of past mistakes. And I fear we have learnt very little from those errors."

"I would have to disagree," Granite snorted, "despite what you say, Twilight Sparkle has done wonderfully, so the Princess must have gotten SOMETHING right this time around. AND, might I add, the new Princess doesn't have a name like a tyrant in waiting."

"Speaking of horrible names, what's with this third guy?" Wrath smirked and swatted a wing against Ranma's picture. "Havoc? Really? No wonder he ended up as some evil sorcerer's minion."

Granite frowned. "Yes, actually, I wondered about that too. What do we have on him, exactly? The other two have been clearly identified and the throne has confirmed their crimes. But the earth pony is just 'implicated'? How is that?"

"Not sure. But the Lunar Guard sure seems to want him taken down. Did you know he actually had bounty posters up before the other two?" Wrath asked. "Strange."

"Ugh. Lunar Guard? Really? Can we even take their word for it?"

"Maybe not, but so what? We didn't order the lackeys to be killed on sight. They'll get to defend themselves in court when they're captured."

Wrath nodded. "Yes. Unless, of course, our soldiers take it that their orders to slay Blood Rite extend to everypony who works with him."

The other two Generals paused.

"Well... hopefully they don't do that," Firebrand mumbled, levitating a new bottle of brandy onto the table. "Refill?"

"Yes, please."

"So this is Coltson. It's a main transit hub in the Southwestern region, boasting the most train links and trading roads. It doesn't get as many other races as Saddlebrook, which is frankly the only reason it isn't quite as busy a trade town. The local economy is doing well enough, though." Trixie levitated a pamphlet in front of her as her cart rattled forward along the cobblestone street. "Trixie would like to see the famous 'Steel Hooves' train yard before we move on. Trixie's never been here before."

"Yeah, I can tell. We aren't being chased by any angry ponies with pitchforks."

Trixie's eyes narrowed, and then she lowered the pamphlet. Ranma was towing her cart along, as usual, but on his back sat a small purple dragon. Spike was leaning forward on the stallion's back, arms crossed over his chest.

"Trixie will have you know that Trixie has never been driven out of a town other than Ponyville," the unicorn said sharply. That was a complete and utter lie, but she was fairly confident Spike didn't know that.

"Well, there was Hoofington," Ranma pointed out, "I don't think that counts, though. It was mostly that griffon chick's fault."

"And YOURS, for lighting the inn on fi-"

"For being accused of arson, which could have been anybody!" Ranma interrupted, his eyes darting back and forth. "Also, could you not shout out the stuff I've been charged with in public? I'm already walking around in my guy form! Anybody could recognize me!"

Trixie groaned, and went back to her pamphlet. Spike turned his head to glare at her.

"I can't believe you're being so... so... BLAH about this!" he snapped, failing to think of a better word. "Twilight's been captured, those evil unicorns have a world-ending magic jewel, and Princess Luna flipped out and disappeared, and you just want to trot around and play tourist?"

"If Trixie recalls correctly, the current circumstances vis-a-vis the rebellion against the throne are largely YOUR fault, lizard," Trixie sneered. "Good job totally protecting the all-important MacGuffin and your master from the bad guys. You sure showed them, mighty serpent king."

Spike bristled furiously. "Okay, FIRST of all-"

"Hey, can we tone down the hostility?" Ranma hissed. "Fighting isn't going to solve anything!"

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you," scoffed Trixie, "where was this enlightened pacifism when an Equestrian Princess wanted to duel you for your magic trinket?"

Ranma groaned and hung his head. "Okay. Yes. Mistakes were made. I'm sorry. But we need to figure out how to fix it, not waste time arguing about who's most at fault!"

"Considering our options, Trixie believes that arguing about blame would be just as productive as anything else we could be doing." The magician spotted a covered yard that seemed to be set aside for parking travel wagons. "Ah, perfect. Over there."

Ranma started to turn the wagon, but then Trixie hopped out and moved ahead of him. "Actually, give Trixie a minute first to check this is safe. Trixie will signal you when ready."

Spike watched the blue pony trot out of earshot, and then he sat up on Ranma's back. "Seriously dude, what are you doing with that washed-up wannabe?"

"Mostly hauling this," Ranma tapped the cargo wagon with a back hoof, "and occasionally kicking people. Why?"

"Why do you put up with her? She treats you like a slave!" Spike insisted.

"And she feeds me like a slave owner," Ranma pointed out, "so until I find a better offer, I either work for Trixie or I'll have to start swiping stuff to survive. I don't want that. Stealing is WAY harder without hands."

"C'mon man, you're worth way more than this!" protested the young dragon. "You clobbered a dragonspawn and stood up to a Princess! How are you taking orders from a powerless nopony like Trixie?"

Ranma frowned. "Don't call her that. Trix isn't perfect, but she's actually helped me out a lot since I got here. What did she do to you that you hate her so much?"

"She loosed a giant monster bear on our town," Spike mumbled bitterly, crossing his arms over his chest again, "and then later, she showed up again to humiliate and exile Twilight. And then she enslaved Ponyville until Twilight could come back and rescue us."

"...... Okay, yeah. I'd say you have a pretty good case." Then Ranma frowned. "Wait, if she's a powerless nobody... uh, nopony? How did she defeat Sparks and take over a town?"

"Well... okay, so she might have been under the influence of an evil magic amulet at the time," Spike confessed reluctantly, "and TECHNICALLY, I think it was these two other jerks that brought the bear monster to the town, so that Trixie could fight it or something. But that stuff still happened because of her!"

"All right, all right. I get it, Spike. She isn't your favorite magic horse. And I know you're pretty upset in general with Sparks getting captured and all," Ranma said, trying to calm the dragon down, "but still: Trix is the only one of us with food, money, or any idea where we are. So could you TRY not to make her mad?"

Spike growled incoherently as Trixie walked back to the cart.

"All right, we should be clear," the unicorn said, her eyes darting left and right, "just make sure to act oblivious and clueless." She paused. "Well, more than usual, that is."

"See? Why do you put up with this?" Spike demanded, tugging on Ranma's ear and pointing at Trixie.

"Leave it alone, Spike," Ranma warned.

"Put up with what?" Trixie asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Nothing, Trix!" Ranma quickly accelerated, pulling the cart ahead toward the lot.

There was a young earth pony mare sitting at a desk next to the lot, and as Ranma approached she reached for a latch that would open the front gate. Then she froze, staring hard at the stallion towing the wagon.

"Wait a minute," the mare said suspiciously, her eyes narrowing. Ranma blinked innocently while mentally deciding on which route to take if and when a hasty retreat became necessary.

The pony at the desk looked back at the wall of her kiosk, where there were several notices and posters pinned into a slab of cork board. Ranma almost groaned when he saw his bounty poster among them, although he immediately noticed that there was one unfamiliar feature on the picture.

The mare stared at the poster, and then looked at Ranma. Then she stared back at the poster.

"You look an awful lot like this pony 'Havoc'," the mare mumbled, "aside from that ridiculous perm and having no mustache, that is."

Ranma couldn't help but wince at the mention of his hair, which had sadly not recovered from the spell Luna had accidentally cast on it. Aside from that, the poster image of him now sported a thick, wide mustache that looked suspiciously like it was drawn on in black marker.

Eventually, the pony at the desk shrugged. "Well, I could see somepony changing their hairstyle for a disguise, but I can't account for the mustache." She smiled and unlatched the gate into the yard. "Sorry about that, Sir. I know it must be tough for you to look like a wanted criminal. You probably get that all the time."

"Not really, no. Being a wanted criminal is pretty new to me," Ranma drawled while he walked into the lot.

"Being MISTAKEN for a wanted criminal, you mean," Trixie corrected swiftly, levitating a bit over to the mare at the kiosk. "Sorry. You know how stallions are."

"Oh, I know," she winked at Trixie, "but seriously, there's a barber three blocks down on the left. Get that guy a manecut, STAT."

"That's good to know." Trixie paused, raising an eyebrow. "Say... as long as you know the area..."

Several minutes later, Trixie was leading Ranma and Spike down the street again, only without the cart.

"This is so much easier when they have a proper yard to keep wagons safe," Trixie sighed pleasantly, "Trixie can STILL hear the rattle of wagon wheels in her skull."

"Yeah, I can imagine your skull is pretty-" Spike's unnecessary commentary was cut short as Ranma bent his head back, muffling the dragon's face with his unnaturally poofy hair.

"ANYWAY, what was up with that poster? Is there dumb kid running around and vandalizing bounty notices?" Ranma asked.

Trixie smirked, and then telekinetically slipped a marker from out of her hat. "For your information, Trixie is that 'dumb kid'!"

"Spike, don't," Ranma ordered as the dragon opened his mouth. Spike clicked his tongue and then fell silent.

"While Trixie was inquiring about the rules and rates regarding wagon storage, Trixie stealthily altered the poster right under her nose!" Trixie was obviously extremely proud of this fact, and she wiggled her eyebrows at the stallion while grinning.

"Well, that... sounds like a pretty lame idea, but here we are, huh?" Ranma mumbled.

"Trixie wouldn't waste any sophisticated schemes on THESE hicks," the magician scoffed. "Of course, it would be easier to use a spell to simply change you rather than the posters, but your ridiculous allergy means that anything could happen if Trixie tried."

Ranma thought about that. "Anything? As in, it might randomly give me a magic disguise, or turn me invisible, or change my fur color?"

"Sure. Or, it might blow you up again." Trixie rolled her eyes. "And although being disfigured by explosions would ALSO render you unrecognizable, Trixie prefers her idea."

"Why don't you let him wear your hat and cape?" Spike asked. "Give him that, and nopony can see his cutie mark or tell he's not a unicorn."

"Why don't you shut your dumb face?" Trixie retorted. "Give Trixie that, and Trixie might not shove you in a box and leave you by the side of the road."

The unicorn and dragon locked glares for several seconds, and Ranma grimaced as violent sparks seemed to lash between them. "Trix, where are we going, anyway? Are we scouting out places for your show? Looking for evidence of where Rite lives? What?"

Trixie broke off her staring match with Spike and started down the road again. "Trixie has a few errands to run first, actually. And it looks like we're in the right spot to take care of the first one!"

Ranma stopped and looked to his left. A small building surrounded by a wrought-iron fence stood there. Mounted on the fence was a sign that said "Coltson City Orphanage". He looked to his right. There was a big store that seemed to specialize in kayaks.

"You're... buying a kayak?" Ranma asked.

"Guess again." Trixie smirked before her horn started to glow. Spike was suddenly hauled up into the air by his tail, and he cried out in surprise.

"Hey! What're you doing, you crazy-" the young dragon was carried upward and then dropped head-first in a brass box attached to the fence.

"For the sake of full disclosure, Trixie was not at all serious about maybe not shoving you in a box earlier." She sighed happily and then started cantering down the street. "Come on, Ranma!"

Ranma sighed, shaking his head. Then he stuck his head into the box, gently bit onto Spike's tail, and yanked the dragon up and out of the metal cell. Spike flipped end-over-end in the air and landed on his back, and then the young dragon immediately gasped and clutched Ranma's mane in surprise.

"The orphanage seriously has a 'baby drop-off box'?" Ranma asked once he started following Trixie again. "I can't tell if it's more horrible that they think they need it, or that they actually installed it."

"Trixie used to feel the same way," the magician agreed, still facing forward, "but now Trixie sees where it can be an advantage!"

She briefly glanced back to flash a devious smirk at her companion, only to stop in surprise when she saw Spike on his back again. And glaring furiously at her again, unsurprisingly.

The unicorn whirled around, and she turned her own hardened gaze on full force... aimed at Ranma, this time. "No. Put that back, Ranma. We're not taking it with us."

Ranma didn't cringe away, which was the first indication she had that this was officially going to be A Problem. "Spike is not an 'it', and he IS coming with us. At least until we can return him to Sparks. We're not going to abandon him on the side of the road."

"Trixie wasn't just abandoning him 'on the side of the road'! That was the point of going to the orphanage!" She complained.

"That doesn't make it better! Besides, that was a pony orphanage anyway. Are they even going to take a dragon?"

"Probably not, but Trixie presumes they have an established and well-practiced method for re-abandoning unwanted vagrants!"

"What the hay is wrong with you?!" Spike shouted, a green plume of fire curling from his lips.

"You stay out of this!" Trixie growled, tilting her head up.

"What?! You're talking about me!" Spike snapped back.

Ranma clenched his teeth in frustration. "Trix, c'mon! We can't just leave the little guy! It's not right!"

"Trixie doesn't care! He's rude and annoying and useless!"

"I could say the same about you! But at least I don't strut around Equestria preaching about how great I am!" Spike snarled.

"Spike, could you stop? Please? This isn't helping!" Ranma tried in vain.

Trixie stamped the ground angrily, and her eyes dropped down to meet Ranma's again. "That is IT. Trixie is not putting up with this. Decision time. Either you leave the lizard, or you leave Trixie!"

Ranma recoiled. "Wait, hold on, I-"

"Fine! We don't need you!" Spike shouted, tugging on Ranma's ear. "C'mon, Saotome! We'll rescue Twilight on our own!"

Now Ranma was sweating. "I, uh, I'm not actually sure-"

"Oh, that's RICH. How are you planning to do that, hmm? Feel free to impress Trixie with your wit and ingenuity," the magician mocked, arching an eyebrow.

"I don't know, we'll think of something!" Spike insisted. "I can send messages to Princess Celestia, and Saotome can fight anything! We can... uh... call for reinforcements! Let them know where Rite was last and bring them here to help search!"

"Yeah, Trixie is sure that will go over GREAT with all the soldiers that want to imprison Ranma for attacking a Princess," Trixie snorted.

"But she said she'd explain that never happened!" Ranma said nervously.

"Except that now it HAS happened," the unicorn drawled.

"That doesn't count! It was a duel!"

"Trixie will stop by the local prison later to see how that defense worked out for you." She turned around and started walking away once more. "Trixie will probably never see you again, so good luck with your incredibly foolish non-plan. Goodbye."

Ranma felt a deep pain in his chest as the blue pony trotted off down the street, her nose in the air. He had experienced abandonment before, particularly in the very specific category of "petulant, self-absorbed female getting fed up with him," but this had a unique and entirely awful new feel to it. For one thing, it wasn't his big mouth that had gotten him into trouble this time, but his good intentions.

He felt like he owed a debt to Spike. Not just because the little guy was alone and helpless, but because Ranma had accidentally endangered him and inadvertently helped Rite capture Spike's guardian. But that debt probably paled in comparison to what he owed Trixie for helping him since he had washed up next to her outside Hoofington. Besides that, he really did prefer traveling with Trixie to striking out on his own. Ranma wanted to help Spike out of a sense of nobility and responsibility. Ranma wanted to follow Trixie out of a sense of loyalty and - just maybe - genuine friendship.

Spike nodded sharply, leaning back on Ranma's withers. "And good riddance. She didn't even care about saving Twilight. I'll bet we can find her easily now that Miss Great and Powerful isn't wasting our time worrying about sightseeing while we're in the middle of a national crisis."

Ranma furrowed his brow. He had never been good at making social decisions. Decisions in the midst of combat were quick, simple, and usually a matter of life and death. Social decisions were the opposite: complex, fuzzy in their consequences, and with plenty of time for second-guessing and waffling. As a result, he tended to avoid them whenever possible. It was the main reason that he had collected a small harem of fiancées by age sixteen despite having never proposed to anyone. Or even gone on a date without some form of bribe or ulterior motive involved, for that matter.

"C'mon Saotome. I'll think of something to write to Celestia so that you won't get captured when the soldiers arrive. Uh... it'll probably be hard to explain, though. We're not actually supposed to be out here like this. Dang, I really wish Luna had left me a contact address or something! Where the hay is she?"

Ranma couldn't decide between Spike and Trixie. That was the simple truth of the matter. But he'd be damned if he let someone make that decision FOR him.

"Spike? I need you to do me a favor," Ranma said suddenly, his voice deadly serious.

"Yeah? Okay, sure. What is it?" Spike asked, sounding slightly worried.

"I need you to remain ABSOLUTELY QUIET for five minutes. Just five minutes, no talking. NO MATTER WHAT."

Spike's eyes widened. "Uh... o-okay."

"Promise me, Spike."

"Yes! Sure! I promise! Starting now!" Spike said firmly, pressing his lips shut and drawing a finger across them.

Ranma moved.

Trixie was internally seething as she walked down the street, keeping up an impeccable impression of lofty apathy while her mind churned.

She was hurt. She could acknowledge that to herself. Not because she wouldn't have Ranma following her around – his presence was honestly an enormous hassle and could quite plausibly lead to her death – but she was hurt that he would really leave her side to help Twilight's stupid pet.

How could that idiot lizard possibly have more sway over the stallion than me? Is it because he was Twilight Sparkle's servant? Is this about her?

Trixie had to admit that it would be rather less galling to be abandoned for an Equestrian Princess and the penultimate heroine of the kingdom, but she wasn't convinced that was the case. Ranma had very specifically refused to abandon Spike, for Spike's own sake. And he clearly didn't give a flying feather about Princesses. He definitely wanted to rescue Twilight Sparkle if he could, but did he seriously think that Spike offered him that chance?

Probably not. Which suggested he was simply unwilling to abandon Spike despite her wanting him to. INEXCUSABLE. Perfectly ethical, perhaps, which honestly surprised Trixie a little bit, but still. Ranma had chosen his ridiculous morals over her, and that was not something Trixie forgave easily.

Her slowly boiling thoughts were brought to a screeching halt when a gray blur appeared in front of her, and she almost reared up in surprise. The next thing she knew, Ranma was standing in her path with a very surprised-looking dragon child still on top of him.

Ranma quickly twisted his head around to glance at Spike. "Remember, you PROMISED."

Then he snapped his head back toward Trixie and collapsed into a bow, clapping his front hooves together. "Trix, I'm sorry! PLEASE don't leave us!"

Trixie took a step back, surprised. Spike's jaw fell slack, but he dutifully said nothing as Ranma bobbed his head up and down.

"Please take us with you! I'll keep Spike under control, I swear! Don't leave us like this! You're not annoying and useless! A little rude, maybe, but I'm not one to talk! You're awesome! We need you!"

Trixie blinked, and then she looked intrigued. "This... thing you're doing, here. Where you look like you're praying to Trixie. What is this, exactly?"

Ranma slowly looked up at her. "Uh... it's called 'kowtowing' where I'm from. It's something we do to make apologizing and begging more humiliating. Do you guys not do this?"

"No. But Trixie rather likes it. You may proceed," the magician said with a small smile.

Spike slapped a claw against his face. But still didn't say anything.

"I know there's no way we'll rescue Sparkle without your help! Let's be honest, here; I don't know my way around this stupid world, and Spike can't possibly replace you! His plan is terrible! We need your magical brains and fantasy-land street smarts!"

Trixie slouched to one side, smiling and looking over a single hoof. "Yes, Trixie supposes you do. You two are too stupid to get very far without Trixie."

Spike mimed screaming to the sky in frustration.

"Please don't abandon us! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-"

"Okay, okay, stop," Trixie huffed, "your desperate begging and empty praise is starting to become slightly annoying. Almost." She stopped and cleared her throat. "As usual, Trixie finds herself being far, far too good to you, Ranma. Having to put up with that useless lizard is above and beyond Trixie's responsibilities. Even if he WASN'T incredibly hostile to Trixie."

She glanced up at the young dragon, but Spike simply stared off to the side angrily, arms crossed over his chest.

"But... since you actually did get Scaly to keep his needless and grossly inaccurate insults to himself for a few minutes... very well. Trixie relents."

"YES!" Ranma jumped up to his hooves, bouncing Spike out of his grouching position. "You're the best, Trix!"

"Trixie is quite aware," the unicorn said smugly. She started trotting ahead of him again, nose in the air, except this time she was smiling earnestly rather than suppressing an enraged snarl. "Come along, Ranma. And bring the dead weight."

Spike started kicking his feet against Ranma's head and pounding his fists angrily into the stallion's back. But he was pretty weak, and he did it silently, so Ranma ignored it.

"And here we are, at our second errand location," Trixie announced, beckoning across the street. The building was fairly small, and there was a spinning pole with slanted red-and-white stripes out in the front.

"A barber?" Ranma asked. He hoped he was guessing right this time. The next closest property appeared to be a cemetery.

"That's right. Since the spells that do your hair inexplicably seem to cause more permanent damage than the ones that blow you up, it's time to turn this over to a professional." Trixie stepped into the building, a small bell ringing to announce her.

"Well, not exactly top priority for me, but why not?" Ranma mumbled, following after her.

"Your five minutes are up, by the way," Spike said sourly, jabbing the stallion in the back of the head with his claw.

"And you did great, little guy. Way to be a sport," Ranma chuckled and pushed open the door for himself.

Once inside, he saw Trixie talking to a unicorn stallion bearing a comb on his flank.

"Ah, and this must be him," the barber said, his expression souring instantly. "Oh, MY. It's even worse than I thought."

Ranma rolled his eyes, but endured the criticism without complaint. He did start to get anxious when the barber's eyes narrowed suspiciously, however.

"Hold on a second. Haven't I seen you before?" the other stallion asked.

"No way. First day in town," Ranma insisted, "and first week on planet!"

"Wait, now I know!" The barber turned around toward a wall where there were several pictures pinned up. Most of them were equine models showcasing a wide variety of hairstyles, but Ranma was quite surprised to see a picture of himself up as well. Complete with a list of his crimes and the reward for his capture.

"Manestyle aside, you look just like this here fellow, 'Havoc'!" The barber exclaimed. Then he furrowed his brow. "Well, 'cept the mustache."

Trixie smirked. Floating in an aura of pink magic behind her, a plastic cap clicked into place over a black marker.

"Well, never mind, then. False alarm." The other stallion turned back to Ranma. "Still, the resemblance is uncanny. Even your cutie marks are the same!"

"I know. Crazy," Ranma drawled, "but not quite as crazy as putting up bounty posters in a barber shop."

"What? It's a good picture!" the barber protested. "I've already done four of those curly little braids since I put it up yesterday! Mostly on mares, but, you know. Whatever."

Spike hopped off Ranma's back and took a seat by the window, snatching up a magazine at random on the way. Ranma climbed up on the leather recliner chair while the barber started washing off a pair of scissors.

Trixie dropped a dozen bits on the counter, and then headed out the door again. "Trixie is going to explore the town a little bit. You stay here and don't cause any trouble until Trixie comes back, all right?"

"Yes, Mom," Ranma replied, settling back into the barber's seat.

"Oh, so YOU get to be sarcastic and snippy with her, but I can't?" Spike said after the magician exited the shop.

"It's different when I do it," Ranma said, "I'm just kidding around. When you say mean things you mean it as a serious criticism of her." He shifted in his seat uncomfortably as the barber pony pulled a cloth around his neck. "Also, why do you have chairs like this? This thing wasn't designed for a pony. It has arm rests. Ponies don't have even have arms."

"Always wondered that myself," Spike mumbled, thumbing through the magazine. Then he jabbed a finger at Ranma. "Anyway, I say mean things to Trixie because she deserves it. If anypony needs a little criticism, it's her."

"It doesn't WORK, though. Especially coming from someone she doesn't trust, respect, or even want around,” Ranma protested. “Also, the 'useless' thing is just totally wrong. Trixie isn't useless. She's actually really smart."

"Could've fooled me," Spike grumbled, skimming the magazine again.

"She fools a lot of people. That's her thing," Ranma went on to explain. The barber started squirting his head with a spray bottle, soaking his mane. "But the point is: stop antagonizing her. I want to help you and Sparkle, but I'm not going to ditch Trixie to do it."

Ranma felt a quiver run through his body as the cool water on his head finally reached the threshold that shifted his form. The barber whinnied in surprise at seeing the black hair suddenly turn red, and he recoiled and started stuttering.

"S-Sir! Y-Your mane-"

"It's fine. Keep going," Ranma ordered, her voice now obviously feminine. Then she shifted again, grunting irritably. "Damn it! This seat is ten times worse with wings! Why the hell do you design chairs like this?"

"Wait, you're a p-p-pega-"

"Yeah, that happens," Spike interrupted, tossing aside the first magazine and picking up another. "Okay, so what about you, then? She says mean things to you and she just gets a pass?"

"Again, it's different between us. I know she doesn't mean it." Ranma paused. "Well... okay, actually, maybe she does, but who cares? She feeds me." She tapped a hoof against the arm rest of her chair. "Hey, barber, you want to actually start cutting something? I don't have all day, for all I know."

The unicorn gulped, and slowly levitated his scissors near the redheaded pony. "W-Well... I just... um... are y-you a changeling?"

"What's a changeling?" Ranma asked.

"Shapeshifting bug pony thing," Spike replied, his eyes scanning the next magazine as he flipped through it.

"That sounds WAY more convenient than what I am." Ranma twisted her head to look at the stallion behind her. "If I was a shapeshifter, why would I be getting a haircut?"

The barber let out a deep breath, and then nervously approached his client. His scissors slipped into the morass of bright red mane piled up atop Ranma's head and cut off a lock.

The hair slipped away onto the floor.

Then the hairs that had just been cut suddenly lengthened, growing back right before the barber's eyes.

"...... Huh."

Swan Song hummed to herself and skipped through the halls of Rite's tower, headed to the main laboratory. Her fur was still damp, and a steaming towel hung around her neck from her recent bath.

"This is so exciting! We won! We actually won!" Swan giggled to herself. "Luna, Calamity, and even the Nerd Princess herself, Twilight Sparkle, all tried to stop us, and we WON! Ha ha!"

The mare stopped to do a little spin, finishing by knocking her back hooves together.

"This is it! We're going to change the world! Celestia and her little pantheon of alicorn freaks are going DOWN!"

Swan reached the door to the lab and pushed her way in without knocking. "Mister Rite! I'm ready! What do we do now?"

She spotted the stallion immediately, sitting at a small desk off to the side. He seemed surprised to see her, and he jumped slightly when she approached.

"Pardon, Swan Song? What did you mean?" The MacGuffin Stone and a thin book were both sitting on the desk in front of him, and he levitated several papers over the book to obscure it before Swan could see.

"What do you mean what do I mean? Your plan!" Swan said eagerly, bouncing up on her hooves. "We have the MacGuffin Stone, and we captured a Princess inside it! Now we're going to fix the sun, right?"

Rite hesitated, furrowing his brow. "... Yes. Yes, we will." He looked back down at the artifact. "But it won't be quick or easy. We still have many struggles ahead of us."

"Well, hopefully those struggles won't include swiping a valuable magic item from Calamity again! I don't want to be on the receiving end of those hooves anymore!" Then Swan giggled into a hoof. "Although one pony we definitely WON'T have to worry about is Princess Twilight 'Yes Celestia, Whatever You Say' Sparkle! That was so awesome the way you took her out, Mister Rite!"

Rite flinched, staring down at the MacGuffin Stone.

"It's almost poetic! Princess Celestia's most loyal henchpony and personal troubleshooter, powering the item that will eventually CRUSH the royal order! Ooooooh! It gives me chills!" Swan Song danced in a little circle. Rite cringed, still staring at the MacGuffin Stone. "It's a good thing we got her early, too! Sparkle has a habit of foiling evil schemes during the critical implementation phase."

"But it's NOT an evil scheme!" Rite protested. "I'm trying to make Equestria better!"

"Yeah, but she probably didn't see it that way." Swan smirked and started rubbing her front hooves together. "It's too bad the evidence suggests she won't be able to perceive anything or maintain any kind of consciousness within the Stone. The only thing that could make this better would be letting her watch as we bring down her precious little establishment!"

Rite flinched again, a small quiver running down his spine.

"But anyway, what do we do now? I'm ready for orders, Mister Rite!"

The stallion turned an uneasy stare on his intern. Then he sighed. "As I said, there is much to do. I have preparations to make, and I'm afraid you won't be able to assist."

Swan nodded. "Okay. So... you want me to just stand guard? Or make a supply run? We're getting low on those roasted peanuts you like."

"No, we don't need..." Rite trailed off. "Well, okay, yes. If we're running out. But after that, you may take the rest of the day off."

"Take the day off? Really?" Swan asked, arching an eyebrow. "You're sure there's nothing I can do to help?"

"Quite sure. In fact, you can take tomorrow off, too." Rite placed a hoof atop the jewel on his desk. "I'm going to work in the basement for now to prepare the spells."

"The tower has a basement?" the mare looked perplexed. "I never knew that. How come I've never seen it?"

"Because there's no mundane entrance," Rite explained, scooping up the MacGuffin Stone, "it can only be reached via teleportation. And even then, only by somepony who knows the exact coordinates and layout."

"How come you never took me in there? Or even told me about it?" Swan asked suspiciously. "You don't trust me?"

"It also serves as the front door to a magical prison holding an ancient, apocalyptic monstrosity," the stallion continued.

"...... Yeah, okay. Good call keeping me out," Swan mumbled, "and you'll be in there all day? And tomorrow?"

"I will. Farewell." Rite's horn started to glow with a ghostly white light, surrounding the stallion and the MacGuffin Stone. A few seconds later, both vanished in a pulse of brilliant magic.

Swan Song started making a shopping list in her head. "Let's see, then... we need peanuts, obviously. I could use some cabbage for soup... maybe just pick up whatever's on discount. We should save money for a victory party after we take over Equestria. I mean, in theory we'll be able to sack the Canterlot treasury, but it would be good to have a back-up fund just in case."

She started to turn away, but then looked back at Rite's desk. He had taken the MacGuffin Stone with him to the basement, but had left the book behind. Swan presumed it was a research journal; wouldn't he need that as he prepared the spell?

Swan brushed off the papers obscuring the book, and then she blinked. It was not a research journal. It was a yearbook from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. She recognized it immediately, although she had destroyed her own soon after dropping out of the institution.

Opening it up, Swan found a page within bookmarked. There was a photo of Rite at the top, a lightning bolt surging from his horn. Princess Celestia stood behind him, looking on with a proud smile. Below that main picture were several more, each one featuring Rite studying or playing with other unicorns. The names of the others were written in the margins. Kibitz. Private Star Blitz. Sergeant Firebrand. Prince Sterling.

"Hmmmm..." Swan Song frowned at the yearbook, and then shrugged. "He must be making a list of ponies to imprison and torture after we rise to power. Sometimes I wonder if Mister Rite plans TOO far ahead."

She turned away and headed out the door. "Oh well! Shopping!"

Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip.

Ranma tried to avoid shifting in her seat as the barber attacked her hair relentlessly. She still felt enormously uncomfortable with her wings squished against the seat, but she figured she'd be even more uncomfortable if the magically-controlled scissors above her head ended up missing.

"Hey, Saotome, let me ask you something," Spike said, tossing aside yet another magazine.

"You can call me Ranma, you know," Ranma replied, tapping one hoof against the arm rest impatiently.

"You don't want me calling you by your first name?"

"Ranma IS my first name."

"But when you introduced yourself, you said you were 'Saotome Ranma'."

"Yeah, so... oh, right! I forgot! Some countries give the given name first. Shoot. I've been introducing myself wrong." Ranma groaned. "As if it wasn't bad enough that Trix keeps giving people fake names! I've been screwing it up too!"

"Anyway, Ranma..." Spike took a moment to remember his question. "Are you and Trixie... you know... special someponies?"

"Special WHAT?"

"Special someponies. You know, like... are you dating?"

"First off, no. Second of all, again, special WHAT? Third of all, why?"

"Well, I just can't figure out why you would actually want to be around Trixie unless... you know... you were in love with her or something."

"Spike, lemme tell you something: I've spent way too much of my life hanging around chicks who either love me or hate me. Being around girls... or... mares, or whatever... like Sparks and Trix, who just want to help me without wanting to date or make out or anything, is a huge relief." She shuddered in her chair. "I wouldn't say that I'm glad to have left Earth, whatever happened to it, but one thing I absolutely don't miss from my past is the romance."

"Well... okay. If you say so," Spike mumbled suspiciously.

"Besides, there's no way I'd be shacking up with her or any other horse. I'm not a pony, so I'm not attracted to ponies, you know?" Ranma added.

Spike frowned. "... Why would that matter?"

"So, wait, then you ARE a changeling?" interrupted the barber.

Ranma sighed. "No. I'm a human."

"What's a human?"

"Alien ape monkey thing," Spike replied with a shrug.

"And proud of it!" the redheaded equine nodded sharply.

"Well, does that explain what's going on with your mane? Because I'm about ready to give up, here."

Ranma turned her head toward the nearest mirror, and was quite surprised to see that her head sported the exact same horrible perm that Luna had accidentally given her earlier.

Looking down, she was equally surprised, and rather worried, to see a large, circular pile of red hair on the floor around her. It all probably amounted to some half her total body weight, and she hadn't even noticed until now.

"Aw, crud. What NOW?" Ranma asked.

"So, this isn't something that normally happens?" the unicorn barber asked.

"No! Well... not for a while! And not while I'm a girl! Wait, would the dragon whisker work differently for horses? Why? That doesn't make sense! Damn it, I hate magic!"

The barber seemed rather uncomfortable by Ranma's insensible rambling, so Spike decided to provide an explanation. "Trixie might not have explained this, but his hair is due to a spell misfiring."

"OH. Okay, that explains a lot, actually," the barber admitted. "I thought it was just a bad 'do. Which surprised me, because creating something that bad WITHOUT torturing the fabric of reality would actually take quite a bit of effort." Then he smiled. "I can probably fix this. Hold still!"

Ranma's eyes bulged as she felt a familiar tingle, and Spike quickly shielded his head with a magazine when the martial artist's mane started to glow.

"NO!! STOP!!" Ranma bolted from the chair, trying desperately to reach the door before the spell resolved.

Trixie flinched as a detonation boomed behind her, and then her ears drooped. "Oh, for the love of Celestia..."

"What was that?!"

"An explosion!"

"Are we under attack? Somepony call the guards!"

Trixie groaned, glancing behind her. A large puff of dark smoke was rising into the air, and she could hear shouts and screams coming from down the street. She herself had been browsing a newspaper stand, and one such paper was floating open in front of her in the grip of her magic aura.

She folded it up and then flipped a bit to the mare standing slack-jawed behind the counter. "Trixie will take one. Thanks." She turned away and headed toward the explosion.

"... Hate magic... Hate magic SO much..." Ranma laid on the ground at the end of a blackened trench, her eyes squeezed shut and her body aching.

"Ranma! Ranma! Are you okay?!"

The cursed pegasus cracked an eye open. Spike was standing over her, looking a little battered himself.

"Eh, I'll be fine. How's the barber?"

"Oh, he's all right. Well, I mean, he's scared out of his mind, and you took out half of his place of business, but you made it far enough toward the door not to hurt him directly."

"So he's not knocked out?"

Spike looked up. "No. Just kind of huddled under a counter and shaking."

"Okay, good." Ranma rolled over onto her belly and stood up.

"Good? Why is that good?"

"Well, if he's scared, he'll just want me to leave. That's easy. Sometimes they get mad, and want me to pay for the damage. I can't really do that, so in those cases I leave anyway. But faster."

Spike stared up at Ranma while the cursed pony shook out her scorched wings. "... Does this sort of thing happen a lot?"

"Trixie was gone for FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

Ranma looked behind her, where Trixie was standing at the edge of the street and scowling. Then she looked back at Spike. "It happens more often than anyone would like. Let's leave it at that."

Trixie looked around briefly, noticing that ponies were gathering to stare at the sudden catastrophe. "At least you changed bodies before making a destructive spectacle," she hissed quietly. "And at least you actually got your mane fixed first."

"What? Really?" Ranma blinked.

"Oh hey! Yeah! Your braid is back!" Spike confirmed. "So the spell worked? Or... maybe it undid the last spell?"

"That, or the explosion styled it for me before I hit the ground. Either way, I'm glad. It would be pretty awkward to try to ask for a refund right now." Ranma suddenly stretched one of her wings toward Spike and flipped him back up onto her back. The motion was so swift that he didn't even manage to yelp in surprise until after he was already seated.

"Let's get out of here," Trixie grumbled before slinking away, "and then let's find some hot water. Trixie would rather continue defacing wanted posters than try to explain how you ended up destroying a barber shop."

"HALF-destroying a barber shop," Ranma corrected. Then she paused and looked back. "Well, assuming they manage to put out that fire."

"Stop gawking and MOVE!" Trixie snapped, darting into an alley.

Trixie poked her head out of the alley, glancing left and right. "All right, the coast is clear. Come on out."

Ranma stepped into the street, steam rising from his restored mane. Spike still rode on top, and the young dragon tossed an empty paper cup into a trash bin nearby.

"Thanks, Trix. Where to now?" Ranma asked, patting down his hair.

"Trixie supposes we should stop and eat something before planning our next move," the magician mused as she headed down the road again, "also, Trixie needs to decide whether you should continue to travel as a mare or a stallion. On the one hoof, Calamity has caused a lot of highly visible damage today. On the other, Havoc has more long-term legal notoriety."

"Well, dumb cover names aside, I kind of like being a guy by default," Ranma admitted, "but I think that the marker mustache gig could get old pretty fast."

"Trixie agrees. It doesn't help that this town has a curiously wide distribution of bounty posters." Then Trixie magically unfolded the newspaper she was carrying and floated it behind her. "It also doesn't help that you made the front-page news today."

Ranma frowned. "Is it about all my battles against the pair of evil wizard horses trying to conquer the country, and how I apparently saved that Princess Loony, or whatever her name was?"

Trixie laughed, her voice like a glass bell. "Oh, my, no. It's about how you and the sorcerers are allies, working together to destroy the Canterlot royal family. You know, that one that you only learned existed this morning."

Ranma's expression fell, and Spike reached out and snatched up the paper. "Let me see that!" He pulled it up and narrowed his eyes as he scanned the page.

"You know, I never really had an opinion on the media before now, but they're kind of jerks," Ranma groused, hanging his head, "I never had to deal with this back on Earth."

"Because you didn't blow things up or get into pointless fights back on Earth?" Trixie asked.

"No, I did that all the time," the martial artist explained, "but nobody made such a big deal out of it as long as I had a good reason. Or ran away fast enough."

"The more Trixie learns about human civilization, the more Trixie sympathizes with the fellow who sought to end it," she drawled. "ANYWAY, as much as Trixie hates to burden herself further for your sake, you should probably wear Trixie's hat and cape so that you're not immediately recognizable to everypony that gets a newspaper."

Spike looked up from the story he was reading. "Wasn't that MY idea?" A moment later Trixie's hat dropped over his head, completely covering most of his body.

"Trixie is pretty sure she'd remember that," the magician said before levitating her cape around Ranma's neck. "Now get dressed and hurry along."

Ranma quickly dropped his rear to the ground so that Spike could slide off, and then went about the admittedly awkward process of dressing himself without hands. "You know what else I miss about Earth? PANTS. Seriously, I had no idea how much I'd taken them for granted before. Clothes are just the best."

As Ranma struggled to work the cape's clasp (now lacking a gem facing), Spike tossed Trixie's hat onto the stallion's head so that he could get back to reading the paper.

"I don't get it. Where did they get this information?" Spike asked. "This stuff is crazy! They say you assaulted a Mayor and attacked a bunch of guards with your magic ice breath!"

"Yes. Crazy," Trixie repeated, arching an eyebrow in Ranma's direction. Upon seeing him struggling desperately with her clasp between the tips of his hooves, she sighed and lit up her horn. "For Celestia's sake, it's like Trixie is looking after a foal," she muttered, setting the clasp with her telekinesis, "fixing up your hair, feeding you, dressing you, protecting you from the authorities... it's really unbelievable you ever considered proceeding without Trixie. You wouldn't last an hour!"

"Thanks, Trix," the pigtailed stallion said, flashing her a sheepish grin, "you're the best."

"Hmph! Just make sure you don't get these blown up." The unicorn turned away and began walking again. "You know, at some point Trixie will tire of all your hollow praise in response to her constant favors."

"Yeah, that'll be the day," Ranma mumbled quietly enough so that only Spike could hear him. The young dragon chuckled and crawled up onto his back again. Then he spoke again, loud enough for Trixie to hear. "Speaking of constant favors, you mentioned food earlier?"

"Trixie did, yes." She looked over to a stone plaza where several tables were set up and gestured to it with a hoof. "Go get a table. Trixie will go get some lunch." Then she hesitated, looking over to Spike. "Hey, lizard. Do you eat pony food?"

"I have a name. You KNOW my name," Spike growled, looking over the edge of the newspaper.

"That sounded a lot like 'no, I'm not hungry, don't worry about me'. Did Trixie get that right?" the magician asked with a sneer.

Spike glared silently over the newspaper for several seconds, and then went back to reading. "Dragons eat gemstones. Plants and stuff can't fill me up."

Trixie frowned, but didn't offer a retort before she turned away and walked off toward the market. Ranma dropped Spike off onto a bench at a picnic table, and then he took a seat opposite the dragon.

"I don't get any of this," Spike grumbled as he continued reading the paper, "who told anypony that you attacked Princess Luna? Did they just make that up? Why?"

"Didn't Miss Princess tell them that? She admitted this morning that it was her fault," Ranma reminded him, propping up his cheek with a foreleg.

"Yeah, but I don't get how. She was pretty clear to me and Twi that you rescued her. How could the Royal Guard decide that you were the assassin?" Spike shook his head. "Maybe it was Blood Rite? He could have spread a rumor about you!"

"Doubt it. When I found him fighting the batty horses from last night, he seemed just as surprised as I was that they were after me."

Ranma sighed. "I dunno, Spike. This entire country is crazy. Did you know that there's some pony out there that actually tells people she raises the SUN?"

Spike quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah. Princess Celestia. What about her?"

Ranma hesitated, wondering if he misspoke. "... She tells people that she raises the sun every morning. Did you miss that part?"

"Yeah, I know. And she lowers the sun every night. It's pretty common knowledge, dude." Spike lowered his paper. "Do humans manage the sun differently, or something?"

Ranma stared mutely at the dragon. Spike stared curiously back.

"Speaking of Princess Celestia, I kind of think I should contact her anyway," Spike frowned down at the paper.

Ranma's ears perked up, and he suddenly looked alarmed. "Wait, what? Why? Don't do that!"

The dragon looked up at him. "But if you let me explain to Celestia that you didn't do this stuff, then I could clear your name! You wouldn't have to bother hiding or anything!"

Ranma winced, and his ears pinned back against his head. "Uh... yeah, no. I don't really think that's how it's going to go."

"Come on, dude!" Spike insisted. "Worst case, they pull you into a court and make you stand trial. You'd spend a day or so explaining everything that happened to a magistrate pony, and then you're home free."

Ranma winced again, constructing an imaginary picture of a pony court in his head. He stood at the center, trapped in a cage and surrounded by spears. Opposite his position, a small set of bleachers containing every creature he had brutalized since arriving in Equestria - from the dragonspawn mother to the uppity musicians to the guards that had tried to lawfully arrest him - scowled at him. A pony judge in a powdered wig stood at the top of a high podium, his voice droning wearily as he rattled off an absurdly long list of criminal charges.

"No. Absolutely not," the martial artist grumbled. "Equestrian justice hasn't really left a good impression on me so far, and this 'Celestia' person doesn't sound any better. Let's talk about rescuing Sparks, instead. I don't suppose you or that paper know anything about Rite or Song that might let us track them down, do you?"

Spike wilted and shook his head. "Nah. I mean, the Princess said that they went to the same school that Twilight did, but neither of them graduated and then they disappeared. That's pretty much all I know that you might not."

"Really? What school is that?"

"Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. It's like a special magic school for talented wizards and stuff."

Ranma considered that at length, staring up into the sky. "Huh. So what do they do with the talented earth ponies and pegasi?"

"Well, they... uh..." the dragon scratched the side of his head. "I dunno. Not important. We need to save Twilight. But how do we find her?" Spike asked. "Maybe the Lunar Guard could help? They found Rite before!"

"Fluke," Ranma replied, "pretty sure they were tracking me. Rite was following me too, and they stumbled onto each other."

"So all this time, everypony's been trying so hard to find you that they barely paid attention to the bad guys openly trying to destroy the country?" Spike asked incredulously.

Ranma snorted. "And Loony wondered why I didn't want to give her people the dumb magic rock. Sheesh."

Trixie returned in short order while the two boys were still pondering a course of action. On her back was a plate with a fine, lush salad, while two brown burlap sacks of different sizes floated beside her.

"Lunch is served," the unicorn said cheerfully. She dropped the large sack in front of Ranma, and the small sack in front of Spike.

The smaller of the bags clattered loudly when it hit the table, and Spike lifted it open to take a look at his meal. "What the-? These aren't gems!"

"Brilliant deduction. It's no wonder you're the assistant to a famed and esteemed scholar," Trixie said dryly. She levitated the plate off her back and onto the table for herself.

"These are rocks! Dragons don't eat rocks!" Spike plucked one of the rough, gray stones from the sack and held it up.

"Gems ARE rocks," Trixie retorted. "Their most unique properties are being colorful, shiny, and expensive. Those qualities should not have any effect on their nutritional value."

"It's more than that!" Spike insisted. "I mean, the gems are... the way they taste is... just..."

Trixie took a bite of her salad while he floundered. "Mmmmm... seven out of ten," she mumbled. Then she addressed Spike again. "You don't have to eat the rocks if you don't want to. It's not like Trixie actually paid money for them."

"You mean you just picked these things up off the ground?!" Spike asked, horrified.

"Of course. Did you seriously think Trixie was going to pay money for a sack of pebbles?" She rolled her eyes and took another bite of her own lunch.

"I can't eat these! It'd be like..." the young dragon trailed off again, trying to come up with a good analogy. "It'd be like feeding a pony lawn clippings!" He announced, snapping his claws and pointing to Trixie.

She raised an eyebrow. "What do you think Ranma is eating?"

Ranma - who had his face stuck deep in the other sack as he devoured its contents - briefly lifted his head up. "I'm with Spike. This is gross." He snorted, blowing a small cloud of dirty grass scraps out of his nose.

Then the martial artist promptly dropped his head back into the sack and resumed his meal.

"Trixie rests her case," the unicorn said, levitating her fork back into her own meal.

Mere minutes later, Ranma pushed away the sack and wiped his muzzle. "Blech. Grass is barely better than hay. How did Pops stand eating all that bamboo when he was transformed? I'd always figured that turning into an animal would make that animal's food taste better, somehow."

"You're not an animal, you're a pony," Trixie pointed out between bites of her salad.

"On Earth, ponies ARE animals," the martial artist explained. "Humans are the ones who work farms and build cities and fight each other up for stupid reasons, and ponies are pets."

"How incredibly demeaning," Trixie sniffed.

"Well, to be fair, those ponies couldn't talk or use magic or fly or anything. They're Earth ponies. Just not as smart or colorful."

"Trixie shudders to think of a world where earth ponies are even dumber and more boring than they are here." A rock suddenly flew toward the unicorn's forehead, but then froze in a glimmering pink aura. A moment later it shot back where it came from.

"Ow!" shouted Spike, clutching his nose.

Trixie went on as if nothing had happened. "Trixie could probably manage a show tonight in the main plaza. Get a feel for the town's crowd. Tomorrow Trixie will put out some posters to advertise a much more elaborate event." She finished her salad and smirked toward Ranma. "Now that Trixie thinks about it, having you run around town pinning up posters in that outfit could actually help. You'll be Trixie's mascot character!"

Ranma grimaced. "Mascot character? Wouldn't Spike be better for that?"

"Yes, he would. If he didn't eat valuables and refuse to do Trixie's bidding," she reasoned. "Even the job of doing simple tasks in a costume has SOME qualifications, you know."

"Forget the dumb posters and forget your dumb show!" Spike snapped. He shoved the bag of stones away, annoyed that they didn't even seem to serve properly as projectiles. "We have to save Twilight!"

"Trixie will get right on that as soon as you come up with a plan of action that isn't stupid."

Ranma raised a hoof. "I have a few, but they all involve waiting until Rite actively starts trying to take over the world."

"Then Trixie has nothing better to do in the meantime than ply her trade, does she?" the magician asked with a smirk.

Spike clicked his tongue. "Well, if YOU'RE so smart, why don't YOU come up with a brilliant plan?"

Trixie turned her nose up. "Trixie does not feel exceptionally motivated. Why should it be up to Trixie to save the Princess? Sparkle has close friends, a powerful family, the support of the entire Canterlot establishment, and - in theory - the protection of all arms of the Equestrian state. None of us know exactly where Princess Luna sped off to, but it's a fair bet that she's entirely committed to Sparkle's rescue even as we speak. Plus you, for whatever that's worth. And that's all putting aside that she herself is a powerful opponent, and probably would have emerged victorious if Rite didn't cheat."

Spike huffed and turned away. Ranma leaned closer.

"Come on, Trix. You gotta have SOMETHING," he insisted. "The Great and Powerful Trixie isn't as easy to fool as the jerks in the government. You must have some ideas that haven't occurred to them!"

Trixie seemed to enter some bizarre, restrained state that Ranma had never seen before. As if she was actively fighting having her ego puffed up.

"It... isn't... that..." Trixie struggled through her words, trying to keep rein in her natural urge to embrace and justify Ranma's faith. Eventually, she sighed and deflated. "Unfortunately, Trixie's plans also have their limitations. At least one of our enemies has enough sense and strategic awareness that he's been able to hide his trail, despite your MacGuffin compass and Trixie's magical brilliance."

Spike snorted and mumbled something under his breath. One of the stones from his "lunch" suddenly launched from the table in a burst of pink magic and pegged him in the back of his head, pitching him onto the ground.

"So, ultimately, unless we stumble onto one of the sorcerers at random while puttering about Coltson, Trixie simply can't help." The unicorn shrugged.

"Aw, man! This is the worst!" Ranma moaned, slumping onto the table. "I can't believe we're just stuck here wasting time while those two psychos... do... uh... whatever they were going to do with the stone. 'Fix the sun' or whatever. I just feel so USELESS..."

"Oh, wait, there's Swan Song," Trixie mumbled, looking back over Ranma's shoulder, "okay, yeah. Trixie can work with this."

Ranma and Spike stared at Trixie with wide eyes. Then they snapped their heads around to look where Trixie was looking.

A mare wearing a hooded brown robe and carrying some overstuffed saddlebags was staring at the trio from across the street. As soon as Ranma made eye contact, she lurched back and then turned into a full retreat.

"Was... Was that really...?" Ranma stumbled over his words, hardly able to believe their luck.

"Trixie saw green fur and a horn, and doesn't know of any other ponies who have to hide under a cloak just to walk around town to avoid being attacked... other than you, of course." She coughed. "Anyway-"

Spike leapt onto Ranma's back, howling in rage. "GET HER!!" Ranma reared up with a fearsome whinny, kicking his front hooves in the air.

He was fully prepared to run down his target, but Trixie's hat was magically pulled down over his eyes before he could take off. "Hey! Trix, what are you-"

"Ranma. Lizard. Shut up and listen," Trixie's voice was firm and serious, and Ranma immediately silenced any protests. Spike growled incoherently, but likewise stopped to pay attention. "Trixie has a plan, but it will only work if you two dunderheads follow orders."

The magician walked up to Ranma and none-too-gently shoved Spike off his back. "Ranma, go stop Swan Song. Do NOT hurt her, and do NOT say anything. Just stop her and keep her in one place until we can catch up with you. GO!"

The stallion needed no further explanation. His body seemed to flicker and vanish, and then he was nothing but a gray-and-purple blur zipping across the street and bouncing over rooftops.

Trixie grunted in annoyance as she saw her hat floating through the air, having apparently slipped off mid-jump. "Thoughtless," she tsked, snagging the accessory out of the air and levitating it back onto her head.

"Would you like to explain what the hay we're doing?" Spike asked through clenched teeth. He was none too happy about being pushed off onto the ground, and frustrated as ever at having to follow Trixie's orders.

"No, that would take too much time," the unicorn insisted. Her horn glowed, and then she started rooting through her own saddlebag with her magic. "All you need to do is sit still and stay quiet."

Spike groaned and then sat down, crossing his arms over his chest. "Oh, forget it! If I'm just going to get in the way again, then I might as well just stay here! If I really can't help, then just go on without me! I don't care as long as Twilight is okay!"

"Oh, no, you misunderstand!" Trixie insisted. "This time, you're not coming along as dead weight! This time you're a hostage!" A length of rope slipped out of her bag, animated by Trixie's magic.

The young dragon stared. Then he cringed. "So, wait, you said you had 'ideas' about what to do if we found one of the sorcerers, which implies that there was more than one plan. So, do you think-"

"Stop talking and stand up straight, lizard."

"Aww, hay..."

Swan Song rounded the corner and galloped into an alley, barely dodging out of the way of a startled cat. Up ahead the alley split to the right and the left, and she skidded to a stop while her breath heaved.

She turned her head to the right. There was a pile of heaped garbage bins that formed a significant obstacle to anypony trying to get through at high speed.

She turned her head to the left. Then she shrieked as a stallion in a cloak stepped out of the shadows, grinning malevolently.

"Hey, now, don't be scared. I don't want to hurt you," the sleazy-looking earth pony said. He had a switchblade clenched between his teeth, and it glinted in the dim light as he grinned. "But since this is my territory, I'm afraid you have to pay the toll, sweet thing."

Swan blinked. Then she blew out a relieved sigh. "Oh, thank goodness... it's just a mugger."

The stallion blinked back. "Uh... oh... kay... not quite the reaction I'm used to..." After a few seconds of shifting uncomfortably, he shrugged. "Well, since you know what's up, let's get to it. Hand over the purse, please." He tilted to the side to get a better look at the mare's saddlebags. "Oh, hey! Roasted peanuts! I love those! I'll steal those, too!"

"Sure you will," Swan chuckled. Her hood was still up, so when her horn started to glow the light suddenly cast a ghostly pall over her face.

The mugger looked alarmed, and then took a step forward. "Hey! No magic! I'm warning-"

The next thing Swan Song knew, the mugger was flying over her head, screaming in pain and surprise. She staggered backward, her spell fizzling, and then she heard a crash from the stallion landing in one of the trash bins behind her.

She didn't speculate long on the mugger's fate, however, since she was suddenly staring into the face of a more familiar stallion. One bearing a pigtail and a purple, star-spangled cloak.

"You... You saved me from that mugger?" Swan gasped, a blush spreading over her face.

Ranma's eyes narrowed.

"Oh. Right." The blush vanished, and Swan's ears drooped. She looked over to the side, and then behind her, but saw no obvious route to safety now that the pigtailed pony was already in striking distance.

Ranma tracked her gaze, his body tensed like a viper waiting to strike. But after several seconds, it became obvious that he wasn't going to attack unless she made a move first.

"Okay, so... where are we at, here?" Swan asked nervously. "Are you waiting for a confession? A surrender? Did YOU want my purse? You can totally have my purse!"

"No, I don't want your purse," Ranma mumbled, his eyes darting quickly toward the alley entrance before snapping back to Swan.

"Okay. Good. Uhm... so, are we fighting? Because I REALLY don't want to fight right now, if it's all the same to you!" Swan Song smiled broadly, trying to look sweet and harmless. She wasn't very good at it.

"Quiet down. We're waiting," the martial artist mumbled.

"Waiting for... what?"

"Waiting for Trixie!" chirped a voice from the end of the alley.

Swan Song's anxiety turned to exasperation. "Oh, great. It wasn't enough for me to suffer physically? You have assault me mentally, too?"

Trixie trotted into the alleyway, ignoring the other mare's jab. She was still wearing her normal saddlebags, but she also had something lying on her back that was covered by her hat. "Calm down, Miss Song. We're not here to fight or subdue you."

Swan recoiled slightly in surprise. Ranma's shock was just as obvious, and Trixie was glad that she had Swan's full attention so that the sorceress didn't notice.

"Although, Trixie can't help but wonder..." she stared upward briefly, then back at the green pony. "You followed us along our travel route and attacked Twilight Sparkle outside of Coltson, so you must have known we would be here. Why did you return to the city the same day after you had successfully escaped?"

Swan's ear twitched, and she glanced back and forth between Ranma and Trixie. "Roasted peanuts," she mumbled awkwardly, hanging her head and staring at the ground, "they're really good, and the market here sells them in bulk."

Trixie gave the other unicorn an incredulous look. "Seriously? You risked the success of your evil plan to take over the world in order to go grocery shopping?"

"Okay, first of all, I haven't risked squat!" Swan snapped, tensing up. "Mister Rite has the MacGuffin Stone, and even now he's working to complete our ultimate objective! So no matter what happens to me here and now, the clock keeps ticking on your pathetic little kingdom!" She shifted the weight of the bags on her back. "Second of all, so what? Even awesome evil sorcerers need to eat, you know!"

Ranma and Trixie looked at each other and shrugged, conceding the point.

"Anyway, I believe you were saying something about how you weren't going to hurt or capture me?" Swan reminded the other ponies quickly.

"Yes, yes. Of course." Trixie smirked. "We have no intention of harming you, Miss Swan. In fact, we want to work for you."

This time, Ranma's reaction was actually stronger than Swan's, and he took a step back in shock.

Swan Song's attention, thankfully, was locked as firmly as ever on Trixie. "You want to... join us. REALLY." She did not seem convinced.

"Trixie is going to be honest with you: Trixie has no issue with the current Equestrian regime. However, Trixie isn't exactly invested in it, either." She smirked. "Trixie can thrive under any sort of government and under any circumstances! And a key skill for doing so is recognizing opportunity when Trixie sees it!"

Swan narrowed her eyes. "You didn't seem to see the 'opportunity' when Mister Rite was demanding the MacGuffin Stone the first time we met you."

"You're correct, Trixie didn't." The magician nodded solemnly. "You two didn't cut an especially impressive figure back then, and it wasn't as if your boss actually made any kind of pitch for his vision of the future or anything." Her smirk turned into a grin. "But now? NOW Trixie has seen you wallop a Princess, steal a critical artifact, and give the entire Equestrian state the slip! Trixie has seen your skills and determination first-hoof and wants to get in on the ground floor, rather than begging for forgiveness after Canterlot is in ruins."

Swan Song rubbed her chin thoughtfully. Then she looked over at Ranma. The stallion tensed up, trying to completely blank his expression. He also kept his mouth completely shut, for once; Ranma had absolutely no idea what to say about this, and a definite sense that if he tried to speak everything would completely fall apart.

"And what if I don't believe you?" Swan asked finally, turning toward Trixie again. "I mean, as long as we're being honest, we have kind of an ugly history." Then she quickly turned to Ranma again. "Not that we can't put that behind us and get along! I'm totally okay with that! It's just, you know, the timing here is a little too convenient." She faced Trixie again. "How do I know this isn't some kind of trick?"

"Trixie figured you'd want a gesture that proves we're not in league with Canterlot. So Trixie brought a gift." Trixie's horn lit up, and her hat slipped off of the object on her back. "You already have the Book Princess, so Trixie figured you might want her house servant too, so that she doesn't get too lonely."

Lying across Trixie's back, bound and gagged, was Spike. He could barely move from his position, but he managed to twist enough to glare angrily at everyone else in the alley. It was both extremely appropriate for Trixie's plan, and conveniently required absolutely no acting on his part.

"Wait, the dragon? You captured the dragon?" Swan asked, blinking.

"Well, 'captured' is a bit too generous. It's not like the little runt could do much to resist," Trixie giggled. Spike squirmed angrily.

"But I saw him sitting with you guys in the plaza," Swan countered.

"I let him out for lunch. So what? It's not like he can get away, or even call for help. Nopony is going to stop and help a dragon!"

"I see..." Swan nodded slowly. "That DOES explain why it looked like you were trying to feed him rocks. That definitely qualifies as an act of abject cruelty."

Spike mumbled something into his gag. Trixie fought to restrain a snicker.

Swan Song turned to face Ranma. "And what do YOU think about this, Calamity?"

The martial artist opened his mouth, but luckily Trixie spoke first.

"Actually, Calamity refers to his female form. We refer to him as Havoc when he's a stallion," Trixie explained. Once she had secured Swan's attention again, she continued. "And do you really think Havoc has any love for the Equestrian state? The same country that's sought to punish him relentlessly even while he fends off its enemies?" She pointed toward the edge of town. "I'm not sure how closely you were watching us before you launched your ambush, but you probably noticed his little scuffle against Princess Luna. The SAME Princess Luna that he saved from you and your boss!"

"That's true... and nopony would fight a Princess unless they had a really good reason," Swan Song admitted.

Ranma rolled his eyes and huffed petulantly.

"Exactly! How stupid would that be?" Trixie laughed much louder than was necessary. "Havoc rescues a Princess and kept the MacGuffin Stone safe from you and your boss, and all he's gotten in return is a list of rapidly growing criminal charges! We've had enough!" She stamped a hoof onto the ground for emphasis. "Seeing how you have the key artifact anyway and we can't stop you, Trixie's decided to throw her hat in with the winners! What do you say?"

Swan Song stared long and hard at Trixie. Then she turned her scrutinizing gaze on Ranma.

He fidgeted nervously. Not just because he was confused and couldn't think of something to say, but also because Swan's eyes seemed to wander over his body as much as they searched his face.

"I don't know..." Swan said finally. "You guys seem pretty sincere about this, but offering the dragon as a hostage is kind of a weak gesture. He's nopony important. Hay, he's nopony at all! I'm going to need something else." Spike grunted in annoyance at the dismissal.

"Fair enough. What are we talking about, here?" Trixie asked. "You want guards? We're good for a few guards. Trixie would offer up a Princess, but Luna kind of disappeared and you took Twilight Sparkle, so there aren't many left for abduction."

"No, no, nothing like that. I was thinking of something more... intimate," Swan said, her lips curling into a smile. Although she was answering Trixie's question, she was still staring at Ranma. "I totally believe that you guys are fed up with the Equestrian establishment - who can blame you? - but our little spat was never about that, right? It was always... more personal."

"Yeah. So what?" Ranma mumbled.

"So, I want you to do something to prove that there are no lingering grudges," the sorceress stepped up to Ranma and placed a hoof against the stallion's chest, marveling at how wonderfully solid it was. It felt like she was leaning on a warm, fuzzy slab of stone.

Ranma wrinkled his muzzle. "So, how do we do that?"

Swan grinned even wider. "Go out with me."

"What?" Trixie asked, arching a brow.

"WHAT?!" Ranma yelped, recoiling.

"Mmrph?" Spike mumbled incoherently, squirming on Trixie's back.

"I have tomorrow off, incidentally. Undermining a nation doesn't include many vacation days, so I'm a bit stumped on what to do." The sorceress batted her eyelids suggestively. "If I get my way, I'm going to be doing you."

Ranma stumbled backward, eyes wide. Trixie's eyes narrowed.

"Time and place?" asked the latter.

"Tomorrow at noon, at the Feedbag Cafe on the harbor. Me and Havoc. Alone." Swan lifted a hoof and brushed aside a lock of her mane. "If things go well, then we can head back to base and see how things... develop from there."

Ranma whimpered slightly, his ears flipping down.

"Okay... and at what point do we actually do the joining with the rebellion and such?" Trixie asked suspiciously.

Swan glanced over at the magician, frowning. "We don't really need any stage performers for our grand design, to be honest. But I guess it couldn't hurt to ask Mister Rite to let you in." She grinned at Ranma again. "AFTER Havoc enters, of course. Pun definitely intended."

Trixie masked her increasing annoyance with the other mare, pursing her lips tightly. "Okay, fine. You have your date. And your hostage."

"You can keep the dragon," Swan rebuffed the other unicorn, "seriously, I don't want him."

Trixie clicked her tongue, but stepped out of the way. "Then it's settled. You're free to go."

Ranma's face was frozen in an expression somewhere between confused shock and dawning horror, but Swan Song either didn't notice or didn't care as she sauntered out between the buildings. She paused to blow a kiss to the martial artist before rounding the corner, and then used her magic to pull up the hood of her cloak and obscure her head. "See you tomorrow, stud!"

"Bheeughh..." Ranma made a distinctly unenthusiastic sound before the sorceress dashed away and out of earshot.

"... What a complete airhead," Trixie growled, still keeping her voice low. "Blood Rite should really reconsider his hiring standards."

Ranma walked up to her uneasily. "So... um... are we really joining Rite's rebellion now?"

Trixie turned a half-lidded stare on her companion. "Are you being serious? Why would we do that?"

"Well... I actually thought you made a pretty good case, back there," Ranma admitted, rubbing one leg on the other, "I don’t want to go out with Swan Song, but I think I might resent Equestria slightly more than the sorcerers, at this point."

"Mmrm phm!" Spike squirmed some more on Trixie's back.

"The lizard is correct," Trixie said, looking around briefly to make sure there was nopony to overhear, "it was just a ruse. Trixie is a proud Equestrian citizen and isn't planning to sell out the royal order to these losers." Then she pointed a leg at Ranma. "And, as Trixie's employee, you are expected to reflect Trixie's political views concerning your allegiances and outbursts of explosive violence."

Ranma sighed. "Yeah, yeah, fine. I just can't believe that lunatic actually LIKES me! She knows I'm not even a pony!" He tilted his head to the side. "Also, I didn't get that last part about me entering. How is that a pun?"

The garbage dumpster behind him opened up, and the mugger pony stuck his head out. "She was talking about sex. You know, 'enters'? Like, with your-"

Ranma slammed a back leg into the dumpster, and the mugger yelped and fell back down before the lid dropped closed again. "Let's get out of here."

"Yes, quite. We have a lot of planning to do for your date tomorrow!" Trixie said brightly. She seemed curiously happy while she exited the alley ahead of the martial artist.

"Mmph! MMN!" Spike squirmed some more.

"Can we let Spike out of the ropes now? The hostage idea didn't even work," Ranma pointed out.

"We can't be sure Song isn't watching us from a distance, or magically spying on us," Trixie said, "we have to keep up the illusion that I'm a cruel and abusive magical mastermind."

"Illusion. Right," Ranma mumbled. "It's just, despite what you said earlier, I really am a little worried about a guard wondering why we have a tied-up kid with us. Especially since I'm still wanted."

"Although you make a fair point, Trixie has to weigh that against the advantage of not having to hear the lizard's snarky insults."

"Trix..." Ranma's voice shifted to a warning tone.

"Ugh, fine!" Trixie's magic undid the knot that kept Spike restrained. "Celestia forbid Trixie ever get what SHE wants."

Once Spike had his claws free, he ripped the gag from around his mouth. "That was a stupid idea," he growled while the magician carried him down the street.

"Sure. So stupid that it worked beautifully," Trixie snickered. "You have to suit your performance to your audience. If you guys had been allowed to stomp her, we would have caused an explosive ruckus that probably would have ended with Ranma arrested. Or blown up again. Either way, Trixie is getting tired of fleeing towns with a string of burnt-out craters in her wake."

"You were just trying to get rid of me again!" Spike accused.

"Trixie was TRYING to get Swan to give up a clue as to where she's hiding the MacGuffin Stone and Twilight Sparkle. And by 'trying to get' Trixie means 'did get', thank you very much! It didn't go exactly to plan, but Trixie thinks this dating angle is probably stronger, anyhow."

"I dunno, Trix," Ranma mumbled, "shouldn't we be following her back right now, while we know where she is?" He looked behind him, down the street.

"It's better to wait. She'll probably have her guard up against any deception right now. Tomorrow, if things go well and she doesn't feel threatened, she'll invite us right back to her home and past any defenses."

"Do you seriously think she'll do that?" Spike asked. "She'd have to be pretty stupid to even show up tomorrow after getting off without a scratch today."

"Swan Song is obviously a pony in love," the unicorn said with a smirk, "and ponies in love do stupid things. Letting her go home unmolested now is just the gesture of trust we need to get her to make a boneheaded mistake later. Trust Trixie, she knows what she's doing."

Spike and Ranma shared a dubious look.

"And just where did you learn how to manipulate ponies' feelings like that, anyway?" the dragon asked.

"Trixie asked for 'trust'. Specifically, the kind of trust that doesn't involve inconvenient questions. You two wanted to see Trixie's plan. This is it, and it’s working, so stop your whining, already."

She stopped briefly and pointed a leg at a hotel. "We'll stay there tonight. This will take planning, so Trixie supposes putting on her show will have to wait." Then the magician sniffed. "Trixie hopes that Sparkle can reimburse Trixie for lost income during the course of her rescue. Trixie is getting a little tired of having to put her livelihood on hold to save the kingdom."

Spike was about to offer a scathing dismissal of the idea, but before he could a small sack of bits landed on Trixie's withers, right next to him. Trixie froze at the sound of jingling coins, and then twisted her head around.

"Will that cover it?" Ranma asked. "Swan wasn't carrying all that much. We caught her after she was done with her shopping, I guess."

Trixie rolled her eyes, but Spike looked stunned. "You... You ROBBED her?"

"Yes. It's okay though, because she tried to kill me that one time." Then Ranma held up another small sack on a single hoof. "I also took her peanuts."

"Good thinking," Trixie interjected, "that way she needs to come back whether or not she's willing to stand you up."

The stallion blinked. "Oh. Uh, yeah! That's why I did it." He stuck his snout in the top of the sack and crunched down. "Hey, these ARE pretty good."

"Glad to hear it. Now quiet down and follow Trixie. Spike, go ahead and drop the bits in Trixie's bags," Trixie ordered.

"Oh, so you remember my name now that I'm holding your money," the dragon griped before doing as he was told.

Trixie pushed the door open to the hotel and made her way to the registration desk. Ranma followed hesitantly after putting away his pilfered goods.

"Trixie would like to rent a room for the night, please. Trixie might stay the week, but will pay by the night in case that changes," she declared.

The pony behind the desk blinked, and then tilted her head to look behind Trixie. "Uh... okay, so which of you is-"

"SHE'S Trixie," Spike interrupted, poking the back of the unicorn's head. "She just talks like that."

"Ah! Right! No problem," the pony at the desk opened the guest register. "Three beds?"

"ONE bed," Trixie corrected firmly, "Trixie isn't paying for an extra mattress just for the lizard."

The other mare was much more interested in the sleeping arrangements of the stallion in the cloak than the dragon child, but held back her questions. "All right, that will be 30 bits please."

Trixie levitated a trail of coins from her bag onto the counter, and after counting up the currency the mare dropped a key onto the desk. "Thank you very much! Enjoy your-"

"HOLD IT!"

Trixie snapped her head around, clenching her teeth. A trio of guards were entering the hotel behind her, one of them levitating a rolled-up piece of paper. Judging by the way their attention was fixed on Ranma, she could guess what they were here for.

Ranma himself flinched, but stood ramrod straight and looked directly ahead, as if he hadn't heard a thing. Which only made him look all the more suspicious, since he was the only one who hadn't immediately turned to look.

"Whoa, uh, okay," Spike quickly started groping for something to say. Given that Ranma was a wanted felon and Trixie was an ex-villain who once enslaved a town, he felt that he was easily the most reputable member of his group and the one best suited to speak to the peace officers. "Can I help you guys?"

"You can step back, citizen," one of the guards warned as the rolled-up paper unfurled. To exactly no one's surprise, it was one of Ranma's bounty posters. "This stallion is hereby under arrest for his many crimes against the Equestrian state!"

"Ah, yeah, see, about that," Spike hedged, chuckling nervously, "this is a bit of a misunderstanding, actually."

"Then I advise we get this fellow to a magistrate where his misunderstandings can be sorted out," noted a pegasus, brandishing a set of shackles.

Seeing Spike's attempt at negotiation fail, Ranma turned to address his accusers. "The 'misunderstanding' is that I'm not this pony at all! I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I'm some sort of criminal!"

"Everyone? You mean everypony?" mumbled one of the guards, confused by the word.

Ranma ignored him. "My name is Ranma, not Havoc! I know our faces look similar, but how can you arrest me when you can't even see if I have the right cutie mark?"

At this, the guards hesitated and glanced at each other. Then the pegasus turned back to Ranma.

"Okay, fair enough. Show us your cutie mark, then."

DAMMIT. I probably should have expected that, Ranma thought to himself. The unicorn guard's horn started to glow, and a matching cloud of magical energy appeared at the edge of the cloak concealing Ranma's legs.

Then a black felt-tip marker floated past, carried by a swirling aura of pink.

The marker reached the levitating poster, and then swiftly scrawled a heavy, curled mustache onto Ranma's image.

All of this, of course, took place right in front of Ranma and the guards, as well as everyone else in the hotel lobby. When the marker finished drawing the facial hair, all eyes in the room followed the marker back to its owner, who slipped it under her hat as if nothing was wrong.

"There. As you can see, gentlecolts, my companion here does not match the profile of this 'Havoc' stallion," Trixie said, gesturing to the poster with her hoof, "your vigilance is appreciated, but Trixie is afraid you are in error."

The guards stared at her as if she had grown another head.

"But... you just drew that mustache on there. We SAW you," one guard explained slowly, furrowing his brow.

"Yes, obviously," Trixie agreed, planting a hoof against her chest. "Trixie is from the Canterlot bounty dispatch office, and has been tasked with updating these wanted posters. Some clown making the notice copies apparently drew the suspect without his mustache, claiming that it 'looked silly'. Can you believe that? As if that would make it hurt less when he kicked your teeth in. Never mind the potential for mistaken identity!"

The guards looked at each other incredulously.

"Okay then, let's see your badge," demanded the pegasus.

Trixie arched an eyebrow. "Badge? Trixie isn't a guard. Why would Trixie need a badge?"

"But-"

"Look, Trixie doesn't know why you're making this difficult. Speak to Moon Heartache if you don't believe Trixie." She paused briefly, waiting for the key moment of confusion to take root in the stallions. "You DO know who Moon Heartache is, right? The assistant director of the regional warrant office?"

"Oh! Uh, yeah! That name sounds familiar," mumbled one of the guards, his eyes darting back and forth. He wasn't even aware there was a regional warrant office.

"It should! Trixie would hope that the guards out arresting ponies based on the bounty notices at least have a basic understanding of how those notices reach them!" Trixie nodded, smiling. "Anyway, Trixie was escorting this entirely mustache-less civilian, since he was complaining that he was being constantly mistaken for the crook." She chuckled. "You can see why this is a problem! What with barber shops exploding, evil sorcerers roaming across the countryside, and muggers infesting dark alleyways all over town, the LAST thing you guys need is to be chasing down false leads, right?"

"Right, okay. Good point."

"Yeah! I was wondering about that explosion."

The unicorn rolled up the poster again as his partners turned away to leave. "Well, I'm glad you were around to clear this up, Miss! Sorry about the trouble. And please tell Miss Heartache to keep up the good work."

Trixie gave a pleasant wave as the peacekeepers left, grinning victoriously. Then she levitated her room key off the table and turned toward the stairs. "Well, shall we go?"

Ranma was fairly stunned, having silently and helplessly watched the entire misdirection play out in front of him. He shook his head furiously, and then followed after Trixie.

As soon as they were headed up the stairs and out of earshot of the ponies below, Spike grunted in annoyance.

"Figures that your most useful skill would be lying," the dragon said irritably.

"Given that Ranma's most useful skill is hurting others and you have no useful skills to speak of, Trixie chooses to take that as a compliment," the unicorn said smugly. "You just have to keep your mouth shut and let Trixie work her magic! It worked on the guards, it would have worked on Princess Luna if Ranma had cooperated, and tomorrow it will reduce Swan Song to putty in our hooves!"

"I'm glad most ponies are stupid," Ranma mumbled.

"Right? It just makes things SO much easier!" Trixie chirped. "Come on, then! We have a big day ahead of us!"

(This was a picture done by Nauth that was unfortunately finished after the chapter was done, and doesn't particularly fit anywhere. Still, I like it, so here you go!)

Author's Note

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria (two counts), assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (multiple counts), vandalism (multiple counts), destruction of private property, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer (multiple counts), assaulting a soldier of Equestria, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice, high treason, refusal of a royal decree, conspiracy to rebellion, illegal deforestation.

Ever play a D&D game where one guy invested so heavily in Bluff that they just talked their way past most encounters and kind of left the party's combat crew standing around and feeling dumb? That's what Ranma's feeling right now.
Hey! I hear Trixie's going to be in the next MLP episode! I sure hope that her next portrayal doesn't shatter my fragile headcanon of her as a cynical, silver-tongued antihero!

There was supposed to be an art piece that goes with this chapter, but I'm tired of waiting for it, so I guess it will feature in the next chapter, maybe.

Firebrand

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 10

Firebrand

"Lah lah lah dee dumm..."

Swan Song hummed to herself as she stood in front of her bathroom mirror. A dizzying array of objects floated around her in the grip of her magic aura, brushing her mane, applying makeup, and filing her hooves.

She twisted her head upward, and a small vanity mirror floated up above her. Her eyes narrowed, and an eyeliner brush slowly floated up toward her face. A few quick swipes, and then the array of objects shifted again in a complex, dizzying orbit. The brush swept through her tail, and her lipstick floated up to her muzzle.

"Mwah!" Swan puckered her lips for the mirror, and then smiled. A crystal perfume vial floated in an arc backward over her head and body, misting her lightly with fragrance.

All at once, the various objects broke away from the mare. They landed on her bedroom counter and desk in neat rows, finally freed from the yellow glow of her magic. Swan Song turned her head to one side, then the other.

"Ready!" she chirped, turning to her saddlebags. A few objects floated from her desk into the leather pack in preparation for her day: a protection potion for if her date went poorly, and a very different kind of "protection" potion in case it went just right. Next came a pouch of bits. Considering that Havoc was actually a displaced primate polymorphed into an equine, it occurred to Swan that he might not have money to cover their date.

Also, she had to pick up more peanuts. She had displaced the ones she'd bought yesterday, somehow.

"All right, I think I'm all set..." Swan Song started to turn around, and then hesitated. She hadn't completely forgotten about Blood Rite, and she wondered if she should leave some sort of note or something to explain her absence in case the sorcerer needed her unexpectedly.

Swan shook her head. If she let Rite know about her date then he'd probably start complaining about her fraternizing with the enemy, or about how Havoc wasn't a real pony, or that this was some kind of security risk or something. All of which were true, so it was especially important that Rite didn't find out until Swan had already seduced their opponent to their side. Or at least worked something out where they could see each other in their free time while she helped take over Equestria. Whatever.

"Mister Rite will be fine. If he's completely inaccessible while finalizing our conquest of the country, then Havoc couldn't stop him even if I wanted him to!" Satisfied with her rationalization, Swan Song trotted toward the stairs, humming happily to herself the whole time.

"All right, Ranma, listen carefully. Trixie's plan is complete. It's completely foolproof, assuming you can follow Trixie's instructions."

Ranma and Trixie sat on the bed of their hotel room. Trixie was levitating a comb through Ranma's hair as she spoke, while a bright red sweatband and a pair of small metal disks sat on the blanket next to her hooves.

"The objective, obviously, is to get Swan Song to bring you back to Rite's hideout, or at least let slip some important information about where it might be. Understand?"

Ranma nodded. "No problem. I have lots of experience going on dates in order to get something out of someone!"

"Uh... that's... good," Trixie mumbled uncertainly. "Swan Song is clearly a bit of an airhead, and judging by how strongly she was coming on to you, is already pretty invested in this going smoothly. You should be able to skate by easily on the date itself. But just in case, Trixie has this!"

Trixie's magic scooped up the objects on the bed, bringing them up in front of Ranma.

"This coin is a magic voice transmitter. Trixie uses it for certain ventriloquist acts, because Trixie is a genius and Loose Lips’ voice-throwing classes are a total rip-off. With this, Trixie will be able to listen in on your date and give you instructions as necessary."

The sweatband stretched in the air, and then slipped over Ranma's forehead and went taut. The coin came next, sliding under the band beneath his ear.

Trixie turned around, and then held up the second coin in her hoof. "Testing, testing. One, two, three," she whispered.

Ranma's ears twitched as he heard the whispers clearly. "Cool! This is just like a spy movie! But in a fantasy movie!" Then he frowned. "In a sitcom..."

"Don't get all meta on Trixie. We need to focus. This could be our only chance at taking Blood Rite by surprise," the unicorn chided, turning back around. "Ideally, once you have the airhead wrapped around your hoof you should make a pitch for Rite to hire both of us as his lackeys so we get direct access to their base. Obviously, things might not go that smoothly. Not everypony can manage to land a job on a first date, and you're merely acting a mouthpiece for Trixie's impeccable wit and charm. But no matter what, you can't let Swan Song leave until we have our lead."

"So if things go bad, should I just knock her out and bring her here?" Ranma asked, his forehead creasing.

"Trixie would prefer that scenario be avoided, obviously. Assaulting and foalnapping one's date is generally frowned upon in Equestrian society, and you've been accused of enough crimes already," Trixie drawled. "But given that the future of the entire country might be at stake, that is an acceptable last resort."

"Got it."

"Good. Any questions?"

Before Ranma could speak, Spike interjected. "Yeah, I have one."

The two ponies turned toward the dragon, who was sitting on the floor on a pillow and watching them.

"Do you two always share the same bed? Ranma said you weren't special someponies. Isn't that weird?" Spike asked, his eyes narrowed.

Trixie scowled. "THAT'S your question? Your boss's life is in danger and the fate of the entire kingdom may be at stake, here! Don't waste Trixie's time with pointless gossip!"

"Fine, fine," Spike relented. "What am I supposed to do during all of this?"

"Trixie wants you to stay here and prepare to have Rite and Song arrested once Ranma manages to get a location," the magician explained. "This will be a little tricky, since we don't want Canterlot forces to arrive too soon and interrupt the date itself or zero in on Ranma rather than the rebels. That's been something of a problem in the past. So Trixie wants you to send a message to Princess Celestia saying that you may have a lead on Blood Rite's location and that you will provide further information as soon as you get it. That way Equestria is ready to move on Blood Rite immediately, but not until we have time to get clear."

Ranma frowned. "Why do we need to let them get involved at all? I can beat Swan and Blood on my own."

"Let's say that's true," Trixie countered, quirking an eyebrow, "what happens afterward?"

The pigtailed pony blinked. "I take the MacGuffin Stone and rescue Sparks, obviously."

"Uh huh. Light on details, but okay, fine. And then?"

Ranma blinked again. "... What do you mean? Then I win."

"Sure. You win. You beat the bad guys silly and then walk off, content that justice has been done." Trixie rolled her eyes. "Do you ever stop to consider what happens AFTER your little victories? Like our altercation with Mayor Hawke, or the guards in Saddlebrook? What happens when you knock somepony unconscious and then leave without resolving the actual problem?"

Ranma tilted his head to the side, thinking. After some twenty seconds, his eyes went wide.

"Oh, wow... A LOT of my life suddenly makes sense now," the martial artist mumbled, his ears flipping down.

"That's what Trixie thought. Rite doesn't just need to be defeated, he needs to be imprisoned, too," Trixie sniffed.

Spike considered his orders, scratching his chin. He had to admit that the strategy seemed solid, or at least as solid as a plan based on a villain's ridiculous crush could be. And he was certainly surprised and encouraged that he had a role besides being ignored or offered as a token of some sort.

"All right, I admit it. This is a decent plan," Spike said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Trixie smirked. "Of course it is! Trixie is a genius!"

"So can we go back to the bed now? Do you two sleep together all the time?"

Trixie's expression soured instantly. Ranma rolled his eyes.

"It's just convenient, that's all," Ranma said. "It's not like I'm going to try anything. I'm not even a pony, remember?"

Spike frowned. "Yeah... so? Why does that matter?"

"Could we NOT get sidetracked, please?" Trixie groused. "We have a mission to complete, here!"

"Right. I won't let you down!" Ranma said confidently, brushing his chest with a hoof. Although he was uneasy with this idea at first, hearing Trixie's strategy laid out had boosted his own confidence. "How long do we have?"

Trixie looked up at a wall clock. "About an hour until show time. Lizard, write out that first letter and send it. Then we'll head out early."

"Got it." Spike rushed up to the desk in the corner of the hotel room and unrolled one of the parchment scrolls waiting there.

"Make sure you don't let any unfortunate details slip either, like where we are or who you're with," Trixie reminded the dragon. "We don't know how much the Princess knows about what's happening here. If anypony panics, this could get very messy very quickly." She turned to Ranma. "Let's go. It's time we put those sorcerer scumbags in their place!"

Celestia paced across the length of her study, a thin frown marring her delicate features.

Her expression was, in fact, tightly restrained. If she were prone to wearing her emotions on her (metaphorical) sleeve, then she would have been standing in slack-jawed shock at what she had just heard. Her thoughts churned and her heart raced. Behind her mask of mild concern and disappointment, Celestia was as close to panic as she ever came outside of a direct, violent threat to her life.

Sitting near the entrance, Luna provided a studied contrast, both in terms of her mood and how openly she projected it. The Lunar Princess was utterly despondent, her head and ears sagging and her gaze pinned to the floor. Even her hair was unusually static, and the numerous points of light within the dark mane seemed dim and subdued.

Celestia suddenly stopped and turned toward her sister. "Just to confirm, the Lunar Guard have scoured the area around Coltson? They found nothing?"

Luna shook her head weakly, and avoided eye contact when she replied. "There has been but one night to search, and we have not yet begun combing the area during the day, but... you are correct. We have no leads at present." Her eyes darted up to meet Celestia's. "Sister... I am truly sorry. If-"

"Please, Luna," Celestia sighed sadly, "don't let your guilt consume you. You made a mistake, but you are not to blame. Your decisions were made with the best intentions." She paused. "Well, I assume so, anyway... why did you want to fight the stallion for the MacGuffin Stone, again?"

Luna grimaced. She had spared Celestia most of the details of her inconclusive duel with Ranma, as well as the "real" reason she had sought him out to begin with. "It is of no matter, Sister. A foolish challenge made in a fit of pique."

"One that Rite took full advantage of. Make no mistake, Luna; this is HIS crime, not yours," Celestia assured the Moon Princess. "Although I wish you had been more cautious, your effort to secure the MacGuffin Stone was made on behalf of Equestria." Then her eyebrow lifted slightly. "Although your quest to find this stallion in the first place might not have been so selfless."

Luna squirmed, her wings shifting uncomfortably over her back. "It is of no import anymore. We have much greater concerns," she insisted. "On that note... Sister, it is obvious that you know a great deal about the sorcerer Blood Rite. Yet you have told your advisors and even I almost nothing about him."

Celestia had her emotions under firm control, but Luna could detect a slight, sudden defensive shift in her sister's posture.

"I know only that he is an embittered student expelled from your school for unspecified reasons. I had assumed he was merely a weak-willed pony who was corrupted by the power and knowledge he was granted. I thought perhaps his grudge against you was based on your removal of him from your institution." She shook her head. "But I visited Blood Rite's dreams. He does not desire the conquest of others or the riches of the kingdom. I am not certain what his goal is, but it not a matter of simple malice. He wants peace... albeit a peace very different from that which we enjoy now."

"I don't know what his goals are," Celestia confirmed just a little too quickly.

"I don't doubt you," Luna replied, "but further information on the rebel may provide some useful context."

A long, uncomfortable pause settled between the Princesses. Celestia's thoughts churned some more. Luna waited calmly for her sister's decision, not daring to press any harder.

After several minutes, Princess Celestia released a miserable sigh and opened her mouth to speak.

She was interrupted, however, by a rolled-up scroll appearing in a flash of green fire.

"Oh, thank the Ancients," Celestia gasped, immediately grabbing the missive out of the air with her telekinesis.

"Hark! A message from Sparkle's assistant!" Luna announced, perking up instantly. "Perhaps it provides some clue to aid her rescue?"

"I dearly hope so," Celestia agreed, unrolling the parchment. That wasn't really why she had been so relieved to see it arrive, but Luna didn't need to know that.

"Dear Princess Celestia," Celestia began. "This is Spike writing you. I know that you instructed Twilight not to get involved with Blood Rite and Swan Song, but something has come up. I might be able to find out where the rebels are hiding out soon. I will contact you again when I have more information. Please don't send any help until then. We'll get him for sure! Sincerely, your Faithful Student's #1 Assistant."

Luna almost lit up with joy, her horn sparking furiously. "Ah hah! We will soon have our lead! I shall inform the Generals at once!"

"Wait," Celestia said, looking over the top of the paper, "Luna, you said you were traveling with Twilight when she was captured, right?"

"Aye."

"Was Spike with you two?"

"Aye."

"All the way to Coltson? Where Rite attacked?"

"Aye."

"And did you bring him back with you when you returned to Canterlot?"

"Nay."

The two Princesses stared at each other for a few seconds. Then Luna's ears flipped down again and she grimaced.

"Oops."

"Yes, 'oops' indeed," Celestia huffed. "You really must stop leaving guards and attendants behind when traveling. Night Scythe was bad enough, but at least he was a trained warrior. Spike is a child!" Luna started staring at the floor again, chastised. "Anyway, if you left him around Coltson, then he probably hasn't gotten far in a single day. And if he is alone and has found real evidence of the rebels' whereabouts, he's certainly in great danger. Despite his request to the contrary, we must send aid immediately."

"I can be there in an instant!" Luna volunteered, instantly changing posture again to invigorated and vengeful.

"No, Luna." Celestia shut her sister down immediately. "Let's not forget that these ponies have a special weapon that defeated Twilight easily. We don't know what they're capable of yet. We can't charge in blindly."

Luna frowned, clearly disappointed. "Then we are to cower here behind castle walls as the sorcerers go about their plans?"

"We will let the soldiers do their job," Celestia retorted, "and then, after they have reported back, we can determine the correct course of action. Our participation may be sorely needed, or this may be nothing more than a ruse to draw us out."

Luna pursed her lips, displeased, but eventually bowed her head. "As you say, then. My instincts have not served me well thus far against the rebel scoundrels."

"Let's go see General Firebrand," Celestia said, striding past her sister toward the door. "We'll have a small army in Coltson within the hour. If Blood Rite is still there..."

Her voice failed her, trailing off into a miserable sigh. Luna quirked an eyebrow at her sister, wondering if she should try to press her earlier request about the sorcerer again.

"... Let's just go. Time is of the essence," Celestia spat, rushing forward.

"The restaurant is just a few blocks down. Try to stay close to Trixie and hide your cutie mark; any random citizen could identify you just walking out in the open like this."

Ranma, Trixie, and Spike trotted down the street at a measured pace, trying to keep up some illusion of nonchalance in the hopes that they'd blend in with the other ponies out and about. Their efforts seemed obviously doomed, given that Trixie was wearing her ostentatious wizard cape and hat, and Spike was riding on her back. Suffice to say, the trio attracted stares from every pedestrian that caught sight of them, although Ranma actually stood out the least.

"Explain to me why Ranma isn't wearing your cape like before? We could at least cover his cutie mark!" Spike protested.

"Because he's going on a date, lizard! You can't wear something like this for a romantic occasion! Use your head!" the unicorn retorted, throwing out her cape with a leg. "Bad enough we needed the sweat band to hide the magic coin. There's only so much any self-respecting mare can be expected to put up with!" Spike rolled his eyes in response.

"Hey, before we do this, are there any tips you can give me?" Ranma asked, frowning. "Like I said, I've been on dates before, but that was with humans. And even then they were pretty awful. I don't know what to do on a pony date. Does it work the same way? What do we talk about?"

"Trixie will be covering you with the magic coin if you really need the help," Trixie assured him, "but Trixie isn't expecting too much difficulty. Just be yourself."

Ranma nodded silently.

"Granted, Trixie wouldn't give you that advice normally, since you're boorish, clueless, penniless, casually violent, and fundamentally not a pony at all. But that's the kind of stallion Swan Song fell for, for some reason, so you should stick to what works."

Ranma frowned at his companion. "Oh, come on. I'm not THAT bad."

"Trixie will admit that you can't really help being a penniless alien, but the rest still stands. Besides, it clearly doesn't bother Swan song anyway. No accounting for taste."

"Are you trying to boost his morale or crush it?" Spike quipped.

"Ranma's ego is nearly as thick and impervious as his skull. If he flubs this, it won't be for lack of confidence," the magician fired back.

Spike glanced over at Ranma, and then pointed to the back of Trixie's head incredulously.

"What? She's not wrong," the martial artist admitted.

Spike groaned, only to be promptly sushed by Trixie. "Quiet! There she is! Look! In the patio section!"

Ranma blinked once he spotted the emerald-colored mare. "Huh. She looks a little different. Is that makeup? You guys have makeup? She even did her hair up and everything."

"How nice. She got herself all dolled up for you," Trixie giggled behind a hoof, "it's unfortunate we couldn't get you a little more presentable to match, but it's not like you're counting on a second date."

"What's her cutie mark thing? Is that a dead bird? I've never seen her without a cloak on." Ranma narrowed his eyes at his date, trying to better assess the situation. Swan looked perfectly harmless sitting at a table and perusing a menu, just like any other unicorn that wasn't plotting the downfall and conquest of the local government. He was honestly a little impressed by her oblivious nonchalance, given that he was afraid of being spotted and ambushed by guards every time he walked down the street.

"It's still a little early. Let Trixie move in first and check out the restaurant," Trixie said, prompting Spike to hop off her back.

"The restaurant? What for?"

"To check for any bounty posters, of course." Trixie's marker slipped out of her hat, wrapped in a pink glow. "It wouldn't do to have your date ruined by a nosy waitress, now would it?"

"You really have thought of everything," Ranma mumbled.

"Of course! Now get ready to move in. Operation: Fowl Play is go!"

Swan Song put down her menu, taking a moment to scan the outdoor dining area of the Feedbag Cafe. It was a lovely day, perfectly temperate, with a salty breeze blowing in from the sea. Off on one side of the restaurant patio, a large dock stretched out to a vast inland sea, with numerous sailboats bobbing gently in the waves. In the middle of the dining patio was a large stone fountain boasting a stone chimera at the top; the beast was rearing up, its heads spread wide apart, and each one spat a long arc of water into the stone bowl at its base.

It was an excellent day and location for a date. From a strictly romantic perspective, at least. She was slightly concerned about the possibility of being attacked by Equestrian peacekeepers after recently abducting a Princess outside this very town, but Swan was determined not to let her status as a rebel insurgent ruin a perfectly good romantic outing if she could help it. If Trixie had been being at all honest in her offer the previous day, those goals weren't even mutually exclusive anymore! While there was definitely an aspect of this turn of events that seemed too good to be true, Swan Song was determined to bring the polymorphed primate to her side. Or at least her bedroom.

The unicorn barely stifled a naughty giggle when she saw the pigtailed pony walking through the gate. Havoc was early, though not as early as she was, and he cautiously scanned the surrounding area while he approached.

"Swan Song! Hi!" Ranma said a little too loudly. "It's a lovely day out, don't you think? Great choice of restaurant!"

Swan giggled again, holding a hoof to her muzzle. The martial artist was trying to project calm confidence, and failing rather obviously. "Thank you! I like to eat here sometimes when I make shopping trips into town. It has a great view of the harbor, and is out of the way of most of the guards' patrol routes."

Ranma forced a laugh while a droplet of sweat rolled down the side of his head. "That's good! Really smart! Fight the power! And look at this weather!"

Swan Song smiled broadly and pointed a hoof toward the seat opposite her. "Would you like to sit down, Havoc?"

Ranma finally realized that he had been standing rigidly next to his chair since he had arrived and started making small talk. "Yes! Good. Thank you." He coughed and slid into his seat opposite the unicorn.

"Smooth as silk, lover boy," came Trixie's voice in his ear.

It was all Ranma could do to keep from retorting to Trixie. Even so he noticeably flinched, and Swan cocked her head to the side.

"You don't need to be so nervous. I don't bite," Swan Song insisted.

"It's not really biting that makes you dangerous," Ranma mumbled. His pupils shifted upward, glancing at the tip of Swan's horn.

This time Swan laughed openly. "True! Although I can't imagine that impresses the pony who crushed a young dragonspawn with his bare hooves!"

"Okay, good small talk. Tension is evaporating. This is working."

Trixie sat behind a hedge adjacent to the restaurant, holding her magic coin up near her muzzle. She was positioned to Swan Song's back, and had her head turned just right so that any pedestrians passing by would assume she was watching the harbor rather than the dining area next to it.

It was a necessary precaution, since the magician and her tag-along were still attracting a fair amount of gawkers. Spike was far less subtle in his observation, crouched next to the hedge brush while spying on the couple.

"I STILL can't believe she actually showed up. I was seriously expecting this whole thing to be a waste of time. How gullible is she?" Spike grumbled.

Trixie turned her head away from the coin in her hoof. "Trixie told you. These villain types are really too easy. Once they catch sight of something they want, they forget about everything else. So simple!"

"Takes one to know one, I guess," the dragon retorted.

"You realize, of course, that if you start trying Trixie's nerves while Ranma is otherwise occupied, there will be nopony to save you when Trixie throws you into the sea."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"I don't want to complain, really. I love my job! Destroying the public order and undermining a kingdom for personal gain is very challenging and rewarding work," Swan insisted, pressing a hoof to her chest, "but it makes the dating game SO difficult. Really, you have no idea how many stallions think rebellion against the royal authority is some kind of deal-breaker. Picky!"

"Yeah, I can see how that might make it hard to make friends," Ranma mumbled. Occasionally his eyes would float down to the menu sitting open underneath him, but he made no serious effort to peruse the selection. He could only pick out a few words here and there, anyway.

"Granted, there are plenty of evil stallions, but the quality of guys on the Dark Side are pretty shabby," Swan sighed. "Mister Rite might be a catch if he was ten years younger, but aside from that, you know, he's my boss. Awkward. Plus, I'm pretty sure part of his lingering resentment for Princess Celestia is rooted in a subtle sexual attraction to her. Made his rejection and exile all the more painful, you know? Too much baggage."

Ranma blinked. "Uhm..." Before the pigtailed equine could really start unpacking that last statement, he was mercifully interrupted by the waiter.

"Hello, Sir and Madam. Have you had a chance to decide on your meal?" asked a stuffy-looking pegasus with a pad of paper and pen clutched in his wingtips.

"Yes. I'll have the lilac sub sandwich, and a small solar salad. Vinegar and balsamic for the dressing, please. Iced tea to drink." Swan's horn sparked, and her menu closed shut and shifted to the side.

"Very good. And you, Sir?" the waiter asked, turning toward Ranma.

Ranma stared down at the menu blankly.

"If you're worried about the money, don't be," Swan assured him, smirking. "I know you're not likely to have much cash on you. I'll cover it."

"I'll have two of what she's having," Ranma said immediately, pushing the menu to the side.

The pegasus arched an eyebrow, but dutifully wrote down the order. "Very good. Thank you." He swept up the menus with his wing and bowed his head slightly before turning and trotting away.

Ranma waited until the waiter was out of earshot and then cleared his throat. "So, uh, you were talking about Rite? What's his deal, anyway? I want to know what I'm getting into when I work for him."

"Oh, sure! Rite wants to establish a new political order across Equestria, fix the sun, and abolish the individual magical bonds of destiny that control equine-kind!"

Ranma's expression was blank. "That... sounds hard," he finally mumbled.

"I was thinking 'crazy,' but your word is more diplomatic," Trixie acknowledged from afar.

"He thinks big," Swan allowed, smirking, "and honestly, I think that last item is pretty much beyond fixing even with the MacGuffin Stone."

"So... fix the sun? What's that about, exactly?" Ranma asked.

"Okay, well, you know how the sun is controlled by Celestia, and the entire planet, by extension, is dependent on her willful benevolence?"

Ranma's eye twitched. "I've... heard that, yes."

"Told you," whispered Trixie.

"Obviously, dethroning the Princess when she's a vital component of the planet's routine life support function is kind of a bad call. So in order to complete the destruction of the royal class, we also need to alter the sun's geostationary patterns." Swan's voice took on a new, more serious tone, and she sat taller in her seat. "Many historians and scientists have wondered how it was that the sun was moved around the planet in ancient times. Today it's Celestia. Before her, it was a cabal of unicorns. But nopony can confirm what controlled it before then, or if life somehow flourished without the sun being controlled."

"Maybe the planet went around the sun, instead?" Ranma asked dryly.

"Yes! Exactly!" Swan seemed quite surprised and pleased by his response, and completely missed the sarcasm in his voice. "Stories passed down by the dragon clans suggest that the solar orbit wasn't always a subject of concern for the world's inhabitants! Additionally, many accomplished astronomers theorize that other solar systems actually form solar-centric orbital rings, with light and heat exposure determined by planetary spin! It's a remarkable system that would - in theory - require NO magical intervention and rely entirely on gravitational forces!"

"This mare is totally insane," Trixie quipped via her magic transmitter.

"That makes perfect sense to me," Ranma disagreed.

"I know, right?" Swan Song gushed, looking even more excited.

"Good call. We'll need to pretend to buy into this tripe if we're going to fool her," Trixie chimed in again.

While Ranma suppressed a frustrated sigh, Swan squirmed happily in her seat. "I have to say, I'm really surprised that you have an interest in theoretical geoplanetary physics. Do your people produce many scientists?"

"Oh, sure. Tons of them," Ranma confirmed. "Humans are way smarter than ponies in general, honestly."

"Really? What were your people like?" The sorceress ignored the implied insult, utterly fascinated.

"Lemme tell you, humans are just the best! Not that you guys are all bad, but there's no comparison. We're strong, smart, and we have pants. I really miss having pants." Then his eyes narrowed. "Speaking of which, any chance the MacGuffin Stone has coughed up my clothes yet? I had clothes before it captured me."

"Not that I'm aware of. Mister Rite has been performing a lot of intense research on the artifact recently, though. Maybe we'll get it eventually." Swan shrugged. "Tell me more about your people! Where do they live? Are there many more of these 'humans'?"

The pigtailed stallion grimaced. "Well, uh... about that..."

Trixie groaned as she lay in the grass, occasionally lifting her head up to peek over her cover. The coin acting as a magic transmitter lay on the ground next to her, carrying Ranma's long-winded story of his last memories of Japan.

"So then Gosunkugi revealed that HE was actually in charge the cult. Surprise, surprise. And I guess the MacGuffin Stone was the key to that."

"He wanted to wipe out his own species?"

"Yup. He was always kind of a jerk."

"I'm a self-identified evil villain and even I think planetary genocide is horribly and pointlessly cruel."

"Yeah, I think his parents didn't pay much attention to him growing up. The little guy had problems."

Trixie slapped a hoof against her face at the exchange, and then lowered her head close to the coin.

"Could we get back to a conversation that either reveals more of Rite's plans or gets you closer to his front door?" Trixie hissed into the magic item. "This retread of the death of everything you knew and loved isn't helping anything! Also, Trixie already heard it!"

Spike glared up at the showmare. "Well, I haven't, so can you quiet down? Ranma didn't manage to tell us everything before he left Ponyville."

"We only have so much time here!" Trixie insisted. "We can't afford to waste this opportunity!" She poked her head up again, and then clenched her teeth. "Drat! The food is already served! This date is half over!"

"What are you so worried about? Things are going really well over there," Spike crossed his arms over his chest. "Swan doesn't suspect a thing, and Ranma is reeling her in just fine. As far as I can tell, your plan is actually working without a hitch. I'm almost impressed, honestly."

Trixie gave the dragon an irritated glare. "Actually, you're right. That's why Trixie is worried."

"You're... WORRIED that your plan is working?" Spike asked incredulously.

"You haven't traveled with Ranma for very long. Trixie hasn't either, honestly, but picked up on the pattern very quickly," she explained. "There's going to be a problem. It's not a matter of if something bad happens, but when and how. Trixie is afraid that the longer it takes, the worse it will be."

"You're just being paranoid," Spike scoffed. "He's doing great. We've got this."

General Firebrand's body materialized in a circle of glittering flame. His eyes flashed a fierce orange, and a spiral of crackling fire surged around his horn. On the chest plate of his armor, a large ruby pulsed in time with his sorcerous energies.

At his hooves, circles of magical runes expanded over the ground. Lines of blazing red magic sizzled as they burned through the dirt, creating an expansive collection of runic patterns below the unicorn warrior.

The runic circle pulsed, as did a ruby clasp attached to Firebrand's golden breastplate.

Explosions of light bloomed over the ground outside of Coltson, expanding rapidly and then taking the form of armed and armored ponies. First a dozen, then fifty, and then a hundred. The flames seemed to blow further and further as each soldier burst into place, burning a path for another to emerge from the ether.

After some five minutes, the spell chain at last seemed to exhaust itself. The flames withered away, leaving behind long trails of smoke and some two hundred Equestrian Royal Guards.

Firebrand stood in place during the entire display, staring at the nearby town with a cold grimace. He didn't bother watching as his army materialized; his focus was entirely on the town itself. Likely patrol routes, hiding places, and prime targets for questioning and interrogation were all considered while he awaited the arrival of his soldiers.

Pedestrians who happened to be within sight of the main road watched with wide eyes, shocked at the sudden arrival of an army. Only the omnipresent badge of the Canterlot Royal Guard, an emblem of justice and authority all throughout Equestria, prevented the citizens from descending into complete panic.

"General Firebrand!" barked a Captain, galloping to the front. "All units are accounted for. We are prepared to move out on your order."

"Then let's move, ponies!" snapped the equine wizard. "Remember, we're looking for Princess Twilight Sparkle's pet dragon, Spike! But we have reason to believe the rebels may also be in the area! Stay vigilant, and remain in constant contact! GO!!"

"Hey, Song, can I ask you something?"

Swan Song looked up from her sandwich curiously, a few crumbs falling from her lips. She was about half-done with her meal, while Ranma's plates had been wiped clean long ago and now sat in a pile on the side of the table.

"Yes? What is it?"

Ranma paused briefly before speaking, wondering if what he was about to say was a departure from Trixie's plan. "Why are you doing this, really? What's with the whole evil sorceress gig? I just don't get it."

"Ranma, what are you doing?" asked Trixie through the magic coin.

Swan seemed perplexed by the question as well. "What's to get? I help Mister Rite unseat Celestia, I get to take down the self-righteous royal order and seize a cut of that sweet Canterlot loot for myself! Isn't that a good enough reason?"

"It's just... how to put this..." Ranma frowned. "I get that you don't care about other people. Believe me, I of all people can tell. But you've really thrown yourself into this evil minion thing, and I don't really get why."

Swan just seemed more confused, and Ranma pointed a hoof at her. "I mean, you seem really interested in my species and that science stuff about the planet. You have non-evil hobbies. You're actually pretty smart. And you're normal enough that you still want to just sit down and have a date with a guy even if there's a chance you might be spotted and arrested for it."

"Okay, seriously! Why are you off-script now? Are you ASKING her to doubt your motives?!" Trixie all but roared into his ear.

Nonetheless, the martial artist pushed forward. "So I don't understand why you'd want to rebel against the throne or unseat the Princess and stuff. It seems like you have a lot going for you already. Is Rite's plan so great that you'd risk your life for it? Why do you WANT to be evil? What's the deal?"

Swan idly dabbed her lips with a napkin, and then she stared up at the sky. For nearly a minute the mare was deep in thought, and while she mused the question Ranma considered ditching the sweat band around his head and the magic coin underneath it. Trixie was in a full rant now, demanding he move the conversation back to a more useful topic.

Finally, Swan lowered her gaze back to her date. "In a word, I have to say it's my destiny."

Ranma blinked. "Destiny? Seriously?"

"Yes. You might not understand, since you weren't born a pony," the sorceress began, "but all ponies have a true destiny. It's a part of us since we're born; it's in our hearts, in our names, and in our cutie marks."

Ranma glanced down at the mare's leg. "I would think your destiny has more to do with hunting or animal control, then."

Swan Song giggled, shifting in her seat to show off her mark. "Oh, it's more complex than that. The swan's song is the metaphorical last chance; the final, reckless effort upon which one's future is wagered." She ran a hoof across her thigh, fluttering her eyelids at her date. "I can't be satisfied with a simple life of academia or discipline. I can't stand all the rules, or the knowledge that tomorrow is probably going to bring more of the same. Stability, peace, harmony... it's just not my destiny."

She shifted back to sit normally. "I like Mister Rite's plan, but if it works it's not like I'll take some cozy job in the new regime and build a career of peaceful corruption or something. I have to push myself to my limits. I crave adventure and danger. But most of all I want POWER."

Swan's horn sparked, and Ranma jumped slightly as an electric tingle went up his spine. "I want the power to crush everypony who dares to slight me. I want other ponies to be TERRIFIED of my wrath. I want to go where I want, take what I want, and leave a trail of victims thanking me for letting them live. I want my picture decorating the halls of good and noble ponies as a tribute to fear, like the ancient villains of old." Her voice was much deeper now, and her eyes seemed to darken. "There are lots of ways to get power and riches and new experiences without victimizing ponies. Logically, they would probably be easier and more lucrative, too. But I just don't care. Something calls on me to trample those in my way instead. Where other ponies ask permission, I demand obedience. And the only ponies I respect are those who make their own rules and smash aside any who dare defy them."

"Come to think of it, that's probably what attracted me to you in the first place." The unicorn giggled, and her eyes and tone returned to normal. "So you see, it's just destiny. Nothing more to it, really."

"...... Oh," Ranma said weakly, wincing, "well, all right then... Just wondering."

Swan smiled again and then returned to eating. Ranma fell into a restless silence, wondering at the long and unnecessarily detailed response. He didn't really know what to expect when he'd asked the question, but the dark urges that seemed to drive Swan Song were quite disturbing.

Or, at least, they would have been if they hadn't been coming from a dolled-up green horse. She was just a little too cute for him to be afraid of.

"Hey! Are you done?" Trixie hissed into his ear. "You're lucky Song is so into you that she doesn't seem to wonder why you asked something like that! Once she's done eating you need to focus on getting a location out of her!"

Ranma nodded absently.

"Shouldn't be too hard. She needs to go home eventually, but you might have to... wait... hold on..."

Ranma frowned, and his eyes darted over to the hedge where Trixie was hiding.

"Oh, NO... You stupid lizard! I told you not to tell them where you were!"

Ranma almost jumped in his seat. That last statement from Trixie had not been a whisper, and it boomed in his ear much more loudly than before.

Swan Song looked up again. "Hmm? Did you say something?"

"I, uh, it's just..." Ranma started stuttering, clapping a hoof over the side of his head right over the magic coin.

"Then how did they find us? No, get your head down! They'll recognize you!"

Ranma grinned nervously while droplets of sweat formed on his brow. He couldn't tell whether Swan could hear Trixie's shouting right now, nor could he tell just what Trixie was so upset about.

"So! What's happening after this?" Ranma said loudly. "Are we going back to your secret hideout? I think we should go to your hideout!"

Swan blinked, a little surprised by the stallion's volume. Then she smirked and gave him a smoky, lidded stare. "I LIKE the sound of that. But we should probably just grab a hotel for tonight. Mister Rite isn't going to be available until tomorrow, so we can talk to him then."

Before Ranma could process that and think of a counter-argument, Trixie's voice reached his ears again.

"Oh, fireballs. There they go..."

"Hey! Over there! It's the rebels!"

Swan Song gasped, and her horn started to glow reflexively at the shout. Ranma's nerves were already on edge, so he simply turned his head around to check on the new reason to panic and see if it should be prioritized over the last one. Other ponies started mumbling and turning about in surprise, wondering what the commotion was about.

That commotion came in the form of eight armored pegasi flying in formation toward the patio, and another ten grounded soldier ponies charging through the streets. All of them with spears.

Yup. That's some high-priority panic, all right. I really, REALLY hate this government.

"Those are Royal Guard! Drat! Princess Luna must have sent them after we got Sparkle!" Swan growled.

"Um... yeah. That must be it," Ranma mumbled, tapping the sweatband under his ear, "no other explanation! Bummer."

Swan whipped her head to the side, and the ribbon that had been keeping her mane neat fell loose. "Curse you, you royal mules! I was about to score! I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"

The pegasus squad, who were leading the charge, hesitated as a corona of magical energy wrapped around their target's horn. Two of them reared back their weapons and hurled the spears through the air, hoping to disrupt the spell before Swan could finish.

Ranma kicked his chair up in the air with a single leg, and both spears embedded themselves in the seat, stopping them dead. As the chair fell back down, a chilling crackle came from Swan Song.

"FRY, turkeys!" Swan roared, her magic reaching its apex. "BLACK STORM!!"

Almost instantly, a large circle of dark blue flashed into place in the sky above, crackling with arcane power and rotating swiftly. The pegasi scattered immediately, their weather-tuned senses sending them into a terrified frenzy.

Ranma cringed as lightning bolts started flashing from the ring of magic, lancing through the pegasi and crashing against the ground. Cobblestones exploded underhoof, and the other restaurant patrons started screaming and fleeing the scene.

I sure hope defending Swan while she annihilates the Equestrian soldiers fits Trixie's plan, Ranma thought to himself. Granted, he was supposed to be pretending that he wanted to be a rebel too, but it seemed to him that fighting off Royal Guards was an ACTUAL act of lawless rebellion, not a ruse. He really wasn't sure whose cause he was harming more at this point.

"Flare beam!" A hot ray of fire zipped past him, warming his flank and blasting apart the formation of earth ponies and unicorns approaching on foot.

Should I be helping more? Just keep it defensive? Really at a loss, here.

"Die, traitor!" snarled a pegasus mare, plunging her spear toward Ranma's head.

The martial artist twisted around the spearhead, letting it pass, and then bit onto the shaft to seize it. This added extra some extra leverage to the following kick that sent the equine soldier spinning through the air with a deep dent in her breastplate.

"Still don't know how these guys hold stuff with their hooves," Ranma mumbled after spitting out the weapon.

A fireball screamed past him, and he winced again as the side of the restaurant exploded into flames. Bits of burning debris flew through the air into the streets, and those soldier ponies covering from the magic attacks started to withdraw while dragging away wounded comrades or shouting for reinforcements.

"Havoc! We have to go! I'm sure there's more where that came from!" Swan Song shouted. The sorceress was standing atop their table, her horn ablaze with magic power. Her long chestnut mane whipped about in an ethereal wind, and her eyes seemed to pulse with otherwordly energy.

Her horn fired a spread of small fireballs, barraging the street adjacent to the restaurant at random. The projectiles didn't hit any of the fleeing enemies, although it did create more hazardous obstacles and poured more obscuring smoke into the air.

Then Swan jumped down onto the ground. "Follow me! It looks like we're going back to my place after all!"

Ranma perked up at that. "Oh, cool!" Then he pointed to the remains of Swan's sandwich. "You gonna finish that?"

She hesitated, surprised. "Of course not. We don't have time!"

Ranma reached over and took the half-sub in his mouth. Then he kicked the entire table over onto its side.

An incoming volley of magic missiles slammed into the table surface, blasting it to splinters before it could reach the two ponies standing behind it. Swan flinched away from the shrapnel, while Ranma calmly scarfed down the last bits of their meal.

"Waste not, want not," the martial artist said, licking his lips. "Lead the way."

Swan Song bolted, deciding not to question her date. His casually superequine fighting ability was one of the things she liked best about him, after all. The fugitives galloped past the harbor and onto a side street, and Swan turned sharply to head into an alley.

"Chill touch!" she shouted, her horn sparking again. After a few seconds, her magic leeched down her legs and seeped into her hooves. After that, each step she took left a patch of ice spreading over the ground. "This should trip them up a little!" Swan grunted, turning to face Ranma. "I'm really sorry about this, by the way! I should have picked a less exposed venue for our date! I wasn't expecting the actual army to show up!"

"Eh, it's fine," Ranma replied with a shrug. "Honestly, this is more or less how all my dates go."

Several surprised shouts came from behind them, followed by the sound of trash cans being knocked over.

"So, where are we going, exactly?" Ranma asked. "Is this place in the city? Or, like, in the sewers or something?"

"No! It's very far from here, actually! Mister Rite lives in a tower in the Flamehearst!" Swan Song answered.

Ranma, of course, had no clue what that was, and issued a sigh.

"What was that?" Trixie suddenly asked, her voice whispering in his ear. "Something about Flamehearst?"

"Trix!" Ranma shouted, immediately perking up.

Swan Song stumbled, almost falling over in surprise. "What?"

"Uh... What about... about Trix?" Ranma asked, trying to cover for his error. "She's joining up too, you know?"

"Pff! Forget about her!" Swan scoffed. "Like I said, we don't need any weak, talentless nobodies in our revolution. I don't know if you two were together or what, but trust me, you can do WAY better, Havoc."

"Trixie's second-greatest regret about this plan is that she may not be able to see Swan's expression when she realizes this was all a trap," Trixie sighed. "Trixie's GREATEST regret, incidentally, is that she didn't keep the idiot lizard out of this entirely. It seems it was his stupid letter that drew a whole freaking army here."

Ranma had to bite his tongue to keep from asking questions. Swan turned another corner, and he jumped up and rebounded off the wall before landing next to her again.

"He was spotted by one of the soldiers, who were apparently looking for him. Luckily Trixie managed to slip away with the other pedestrians fleeing the magical destruction. The lizard will be fine, but this plan is probably a wash thanks to him. I doubt you're going to get invited straight into the bad guys' lair after this mess."

Ranma turned toward Swan Song. "So, just to be clear, you're saying that Trixie can't come with us to Rite's evil wizard tower, which is where we're going right now in order to escape the pony soldiers?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying!" the sorceress replied. They burst out of the alley, and she leapt over a short stone wall that marked the boundary of Coltson. Ranma followed after her, and they raced off into the woods surrounding the town.

"...... Okay, then. It seems Trixie's genius has exceeded even Trixie's expectations!" the magician said. "Now Trixie just needs to figure out where you are..."

A brilliant flash of light came from deep within the forest, and a veritable pillar of flames burst up above the treetops.

"Okay, never mind. Trixie has a bearing. As does every pony soldier in the city. Mixed blessing."

The next thing Ranma knew, the ground start opening up and vomiting fire.

The pigtailed pony immediately pushed Swan Song away in mid-stride, and both of them sprawled to the side just in time. A seething, flaming fault line ran through the dirt between them, booming in their ears and blasting the fugitives with waves of heat.

Once the roaring stopped, however, the two were barely singed. Ranma hopped upright, his eyes narrowed at a shadow slowly approaching through the trees.

Swan Song was a bit more shaken from the near-dodge, and she trembled as she pushed herself back up. "By the way, if we survive this, you are SO laid," she said with complete seriousness.

The martial artist wasn't paying attention. Standing between the trees on the edge of the forest stood an ivory-white unicorn stallion. His beard and mane was a wavy, fiery red, and he wore a robe with a peytral around his chest. The peytral seemed to be made of embossed gold, and a shining ruby pulsed in the center of it.

"Havoc. Swan Song," the stallion began, "my name is General Firebrand. With the authority vested in me by the royal house of Canterlot, I declare you two under arrest."

A small cyclone of fire swirled around his horn. "Surrender at once or you will be harmed."

Swan Song did not seem impressed. "Bring the pain if you got it, Celestial stooge." Her horn crackled in response. "Fireball!"

Ranma watched carefully as a hefty orange orb vaulted toward their new opponent. Firebrand's expression didn't budge, and neither did he while the projectile approached. A flickering blue glow came from the tip of his horn, however. The gem on his peytral glowed in sympathy, and then the magic glow turned from blue to fiery red.

Just before impact, Firebrand vanished into a burst of cinders. The fireball passed through the spot he was standing, eventually striking a tree and blasting it apart.

"Tch! Some kind of custom teleport!" Swan groused. "Come on! We have to keep going! He's probably trying to hold us up until his soldiers catch up!"

"Yeah, actually, she might be wrong about that," Trixie advised from afar. "Trixie is seeing a lot of the guards regrouping in the streets and spreading out along the town perimeter. It looks to Trixie like they're trying to keep you from coming back, not chasing after you."

Ranma and Swan raced into the woods, each of them glancing about for any sign of the General. Ranma sensed the spark of magic first, feeling a tingle crawl up his spine while the distant hiss of igniting air reached his ears.

Again Ranma pushed Swan Song to the ground and rolled away in the opposite direction. A trio of flaming swords zipped through the air and stabbed into the ground in their path, barely missing the equine fugitives.

Swan issued no complaints, quickly jumping back to her hooves. "Five o'clock! Low arc! He's in the trees!" A whip of lightning flashed from her horn, and she whirled around on the spot.

Firebrand was standing on a thick tree branch some twenty feet away, but once again he vanished into a small cloud of embers before Swan's spell reached him.

Ranma snapped his head to the other side, hearing a fizzling sound like a match striking. The unicorn soldier appeared in front of him, his robes settling upon the currents of heated air.

"I would much prefer you two to be taken alive. Although treason is a severe offense, worthy of execution, we still have to find your master," Firebrand said, his tone conversational.

"Treason? Oh, come on! I'm not committing treason! I'm not even a citizen!" Ranma complained.

"A pony who isn't a citizen? Strange. We'll have to sort that out once you're in prison," Firebrand acknowledged.

He suddenly glanced to the side, and then he disappeared again, right before a trio of magic force bolts flew through the spot where he had been standing.

"Oh, hay! That's a really good teleport spell!" Swan Song complained, circling around. Her head swung back and forth, trying to spot the equine General before he could launch another ambush. "If we could just pin him down long enough to get a hit in..."

"Why do we even need to fight this guy? Can't we just run away to your place?" Ranma asked. "He can't track us that far, can he?"

"You don't understand! The access point is a teleport nexus! Any unicorn can use it if they know the password! If he tracks us, he could lead the entire Equestrian army to Mister Rite!" Swan protested.

"Oh HO! Trixie likes where this is going!" Trixie chirped into Ranma's ear. "All right, Ranma, it's go time. I think I see where you're fighting up ahead..."

Ranma leapt to the side just before a thick lance of spiraling flame could strike him. The magic beam ripped a burning trench through the ground, running across the forest floor and turning half a dozen trees into huge torches.

"Okay, yeah. I see you, all right. This Firebrand guy isn't much for subtlety."

Ranma turned around, only for the unicorn stallion to vanish again in a burst of flickering sparks. Swan Song growled as her horn pulsed; she hadn't even gotten to cast her spell that time.

"Anyway," Trixie continued, "you're going to have to stop the General. Even if he manages to capture Swan rather than blowing her to bits, there's no way they'll get her to squeal before Rite figures out something is wrong and takes countermeasures. Trixie's plan is still our best chance for victory, and obviously you can't just explain it to the dope."

Swan Song's horn pulsed even brighter, and she started launching volleys of ice arrows into the forest in seemingly random directions. "Come out and face me, you coward! Stop running! I'm going to send you back to your Princess in a funeral urn!"

"It's regrettable that you again have to fight Equestrian soldiers, but Trixie kind of saw this coming. Ranma, take him down."

Ranma twisted his head about, spotting another flaming blade arcing through the air toward him. He did not dodge this time, but raised a foreleg instead.

His hoof crashed against the magic sword in a flare of blue that mixed brilliantly with the crimson flames. The blade shattered, its pieces scattering away on a wave of dark smoke.

Firebrand, who was again standing atop a tree branch above his targets, quirked an eyebrow. "Well. That's new."

"Hey, Song. You have any spells this guy can't dodge?" Ranma asked, his eyes still fixed on the other stallion.

"A few. All of those aren't likely to work on another sorcerer, though. They have defenses against enemy spells," Swan groused as she stepped up next to the martial artist. "Especially with all those magic trinkets he's decked out in! Your tax bits at work, right? Yeesh!"

Swan's horn lit up again. Firebrand's followed suit.

The heat would make for an easy hiryuu shoten haa, but Swan would probably get sucked up too. Mouka takabisha isn't going to work any better than a fireball. I don't think I have a technique for this, so I'm going to have to play it smart.

Firebrand glanced off to the side. His horn flashed blue, and then, in time with the ruby on his chest, pulsed a bright crimson. Then the General teleported away again. Swan growled incoherently at seeing their foe slip away, but Ranma's eyes narrowed.

"Okay, I think I know what this guy's game is. I just need one clean hit on him," Ranma explained.

"Great!" Swan chirped. Then she hesitated. "So, how do we do that?"

"Don't you have a spell to help?"

"Well, let me think..."

Swan Song didn't get much time to think before Ranma pushed her to the ground again, pinning the unicorn flat. A trio of flaming arrows screamed overhead, eventually detonating against the surrounding trees.

"Keep moving!" the martial artist commanded, jumping up and facing toward the source of the projectiles. Firebrand simply vanished again, a slight smirk on his bearded face.

"Have the airhead start blowing up the place," Trixie advised. "Fast as you are, you're going to have a hard time getting to him when he can teleport quickly. Reducing visibility and distracting him is your best bet."

"Got it!" Ranma shouted.

"What?" Swan stumbled upright, a bit bewildered by the pace of the battle.

"Starting using your biggest spells! Tear the forest apart if you have to!"

"My biggest spells will be the easiest ones for him to see coming and dodge, though," Swan pointed out.

"That's fine! Just don't let up!"

Swan shrugged and broke into a run, spotting a light flare off to her left side. She didn't understand Ranma's strategy, but she didn't have any better ideas. And she rarely needed a lot of encouragement to start tossing explosion around in the first place.

"Flare beam!" A screaming ray of fire shot out from her horn, sweeping across a sector of the forest. Firebrand teleported away again, leaving behind a trio of trees that slowly teetered over and collapsed from having their trunks burned away.

"Good! Keep at it!" Ranma shouted, glancing behind him. "There he is!"

Firebrand cast another spell, the ruby in his breastplate pulsing. More flaming swords burst into existence and chased after the martial artist, briefly turning the General's attention from his other target.

"Volt crash!" Swan screamed, launching a crackling yellow bubble from her horn.

Firebrand glanced upward, and then flashed away again. The electric bomb arced down toward his last location, and Swan quickly pinned her ears down in preparation.

The spell hit, and Ranma shuddered from the rumbling thunderclap that rolled through the forest. Then he was moving again, darting over the underbrush and dashing around trees.

"Behind you!" Ranma shouted, jumping up into the branches of a tree.

Firebrand looked over at Ranma briefly, grimacing. Swan was already rounding on him, her next spell winding up.

"You are growing tiresome, Mister Havoc," the General sighed before he was whisked away in a puff of fire.

Another explosive spell ripped through the spot where the stallion had stood. Another two trees teetered over, and then crashed into the ground and kicked up clouds of dust and leaves. Swan rushed toward the devastation, squinting her eyes and leaping over the smoldering debris.

Swan Song's gaze darted left and right as she sprinted past the shroud, searching for any sign of her foe. The cover in the forest was thick, even before taking into account the extra debris her exertions were causing. There were plenty of firing angles for a clever unicorn to exploit, especially since Firebrand was clearly more the hit-and-run sort rather than a magical artillery piece like she was.

"Stupid sneaky mule," the sorceress grumbled in-between breaths. "And a pyromantic elemental focus, too? What the hay? That is NOT a subtle spell class! Didn't they teach you anything about min/maxing in your graduate studies?"

"No, they didn't," replied a voice from the side. "You would know that if you had actually attended all your classes."

Swan Song swung her head around, her horn already crackling. A lash of blazing lightning surged from her forehead, ripping through a line of trees one by one. Trunks and branches were blasted apart into ashen ruins, but when the beam of destruction crossed Firebrand's position, he had already vanished from sight.

"GRRRR!! Stop it! Stop running!" Swan screamed.

"You were always such a problem student. Though not for lack of study or mastery," Firebrand sighed, standing behind his foe. "Many of us thought you were too dangerous for the school to keep. I certainly did. An influential minority thought your impressive potential could be harnessed; that you could be controlled. It brought me no pleasure to see the dissenters proven wrong."

Swan turned around while the General spoke, but when she tried to use her next spell the glow around her horn flickered weakly. She stopped dead and sucked in a breath through her teeth. She had been firing her magic spells with such reckless abandon that she had all but drained her energy reserves. The magic would replenish quickly - such was her level of power - but a mere ten seconds with no spell available could mean life or death in a battle between sorcerers.

Clearly, Firebrand likewise understood her predicament. Chances were he had been waiting for this exact situation. His horn flashed, and the General stamped a hoof onto the ground.

Swan was already running by then, trying to get enough speed to dodge away, but the pony soldier had already gauged her escape route. The ground next to Swan exploded, blasting a jet of fire into the air and smashing her aside with a powerful shock wave. The sorceress hit the ground painfully, skidding along the dirt until she hit a tree.

"Now, then," the soldier mumbled, turning his gaze to the side, "where did that Havoc stallion run off to?"

His answer came in the form of a thin scratching noise behind him; a scrape of hoof against rough bark so gentle as to be lost in the rustle of disturbed leaves.

Firebrand didn't even have time to blink before Ranma's hoof smashed into his cheek. A wave of glowing red pulsed over his skin as his passive magic barrier fell, and the unicorn reeled in pain. He hit the ground on his side, and then swiftly kicked himself upright again.

Ranma waited for the bearded soldier to stand up, smirking.

"It's not a simple feat to sneak up on me, Havoc. You're quite formidable," Firebrand growled, brushing the side of his mouth with his leg. A streak of blood discolored his fur when he put his hoof back down. "But you failed to press your advantage when you had the chance. I underestimated you, but you won't get away with doing the same to me."

With a dark glare, Firebrand's horn flashed to life.

A few seconds passed. Nothing happened. The General's eyes widened in surprise.

Firebrand looked down at his chest, and a chill ran down his spine when he saw that the socket for his magic ruby was empty. "You... You thief! When did you..." He started backing away, a bead of sweat dripping down from his mane.

Ranma grinned and stuck out his tongue, revealing the gem. Then he spat it out onto an upraised hoof. "Figured this was important. Now why don't you run along back home? I have a date to wrap up."

Firebrand pursed his lips, and the focus of his magic changed. A shroud of blue energy surrounded the magic ruby.

Ranma just snorted. "Don't think for a second that the gem will get to you before my fist does. Er... hoof does, I mean."

"Oh, not at all," the unicorn replied, "that's not what this spell does."

The ruby flashed red, and Ranma tensed as tingling sensation shot up his spine.

Then a bubble appeared around him.

"What? What is this?" the martial artist demanded, twisting his head back and forth. The membrane of the bubble was almost perfectly clear, and it seemed to stretch flat across the ground beneath his hooves. After a moment, the bubble rose off of the ground and into the air, carrying him upward.

Firebrand stared. "That... is also not what that spell does," he admitted, furrowing his brow. "... Strange."

Ranma pressed a hoof against the bubble and pushed, only for the surface to stretch like rubber. "Stupid magic allergy! Let me out of here!" The magic sphere kept floating further upward, to his growing alarm. He didn't know what the ruby's original spell had intended to do, but he had a nagging feeling he would have preferred it to this result.

Firebrand took a few more seconds to silently observe his opponent, and then shrugged. "Well, all right. If you insist. I do need to get the Alchemist's Heart back, anyway." His horn flashed brightly, and another trio of flaming swords flickered into being around his head.

Ranma grimaced and started kicking harder at the bubble around him, but to no avail. The membrane easily stretched to accommodate his blows, and the exertion only slightly budged its path up through the air.

"I do hope you survive this," General Firebrand said solemnly while the swords tilted upward toward his opponent, "I have so many questions to-"

"Volt crash!" snarled a voice off from the side.

Firebrand instantly tried to teleport away; a reflex borne of long practice and studied tactics. That reflex, sadly, was useless without his empowering gem. His horn flashed, then sputtered, and the unicorn's eyes went wide.

By the time he started moving, it was too late. A crackling sphere landed just next to his hoof, and the unicorn was blasted into the air by a devastating shock wave. Lightning arcs slashed across his flank, again breaching the passive magic barriers provided by his armor. The General was thrown hard into a tree, and he gasped in agony before sliding to the ground while smoke rolled off of his scorched fur.

Ranma's bubble rolled lazily to one side, mildly disturbed from the explosion. The pigtailed stallion turned around unsteadily, and he was not terribly surprised to see Swan Song standing up again and looking peeved. "Hey, Swan! A little help?"

She glanced up at him, and her horn flashed. "Winter lance!"

Ranma flinched away before a glowing blue icicle shot from the unicorn's head and pierced the edge of his prison. The rubbery membrane popped in an instant, and he landed lightly on the forest floor.

"Now, then," Swan growled, pausing to brush her muzzle with her leg. "It's time to finish this!" Ranma's fur stood on end as the mare's horn started charging up again.

"Okay, so, I don't know exactly what's happening over there since I'm just listening in," Trixie advised Ranma, "but if the airhead tries to kill the big important General, you should probably stop her."

Ranma gulped, his mind and heart racing. How do I do that? What do I say? I can't fight Swan now! I just beat down this guy in order to convince her I'm on her side!

Swan Song's charge reached its apex, and a quivering orb of power appeared on the tip of her horn.

Ranma panicked. No more time! Think later, act now!

Swan Song opened her mouth, ready to execute the fallen soldier.

Then she suddenly found Ranma's mouth smashed into hers.

"Hmmmph!" Swan's eyes widened, and the pulse of deadly energy shot out of her horn and blasted upward. After a few seconds she closed her eyes, leaning blissfully into the unexpected kiss. Several scorched branches tumbled onto the ground ahead of her, but they went unnoticed.

He's kissing me! He's actually kissing me! This is going so well I can't believe it I am going to ROCK this pony tonight! Swan exulted in her head. He is SO hot for me! Yes! Yes, yes, YES!!

I can't believe I'm kissing a horse. How the hell has my life come to this? Ranma complained internally, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Oh God! Her tongue! She’s using her tongue! This is getting too weird! Disengage! DISENGAGE!!

The pigtailed stallion broke off the kiss suddenly, gasping. His first instinct was to start coughing and cleaning his mouth, but Ranma managed to plaster a stiff smile on his face instead. "You saved me! Thank you SO MUCH, Swan!"

"Oh, no problem!" Swan chirped. Then she lunged forward, lips puckered, in order to continue where they had left off.

Ranma caught her chest against his hoof, gently holding her just short of lip-lock. "Actually, I was thinking we should get going right away before more troops show up."

"Oh. Oh, right! We are kind of in a hurry, aren't we?" Swan quickly turned away, although she still held a goofy grin on her face. "Follow me, Havoc! We have a LOT to do when we get back!"

Ranma made a silent gagging expression before trotting after the sorceress. He paused only a moment, in order to glance back at General Firebrand.

The stallion was still lying on his side, smoldering but obviously alive. His eyes were open, too, watching silently while his opponents fled the field.

Ranma sighed and ran after Swan Song. Mission accomplished, I guess. Great...

General Firebrand waited for the sound of hooves to fade into the distance, and then waited for several seconds more. Once he was fairly sure his enemies were completely out of earshot, his horn began to glow again. The magical weaves formed a communication spell, and the visage of his subordinate captains appeared in his mind's eye.

"All units, converge due North on my position. The enemy is attempting to flee the field, and I have been incapacitated."

While the General spoke, a large-ish tree branch lying next to him quietly rose off the ground, surrounded by a pink aura of magic.

"We don't have much time. I need all pegasus units to GURK!"

The tree branch smashed into the back of his head, eliciting a sharp gasp of pain before the General was finally rendered unconscious. His spell broke instantly, cutting off the various Captains before they could ask any questions or figure out what had happened.

Trixie crept out from a cluster of bushes, carefully checking on the General to make sure he was unconscious. "Naturally, Trixie even has to take care of this part herself," the entertainer huffed before she passed on by. The coin she used to transmit her voice floated next to her, ensuring that Ranma didn't miss any of her complaints. "Seriously, if Trixie could magically switch genders like you do, Trixie would have been better off leaving everypony else behind and just doing this all herself!"

The magician galloped into the woods, spotting the tracks from Swan Song. Ranma's trail was nearly undetectable, somehow, but luckily the sorceress didn't possess a fraction of his skill at stealth.

"Although if Trixie is being honest, Trixie wishes that the lizard hadn't been taken earlier. Then Trixie could dump him now, so that he could explain things to the General when he wakes up. Maybe that will happen anyway? He'd better try! Trixie does NOT want this fiasco to end with another set of criminal charges!"

"Okay, so let me try to explain this again: The pony you know as 'Havoc' is not actually a rebel. He is not working for Blood Rite. In fact, he HATES Blood Rite, and has been trying to help us."

Spike paused, allowing that set of assertions to sink in. The dozen pony soldiers standing in a ring around him simply stared down at him blankly, as if he was speaking another language.

"Kid, no offense, but if I have to choose between the legitimacy of the bounty office's charges or the protests of Princess Sparkle's pet dragon, I'm going to have to side with the office," explained one guard. "It's not like they go putting money on ponies' heads for no reason."

"I... I don't really know what their problem is with Ran-er, I mean, Havoc," Spike continued. "But I'm serious! This is all a huge misunderstanding! I've talked to him! He's on our side!"

"Seems to me that a rebel fighter could always TELL someone that they're on their side in order to avoid getting caught," drawled a different soldier.

Spike smacked a claw against his face. "No! You don't get it! I knew him even before that! The whole reason I'm even here is because Twilight Sparkle wanted to find him!"

"To defeat him and remove a grave threat to the country?"

"No! In order to..." Spike trailed off, failing to come up with a brief explanation of Luna's quest and recruitment of Twilight. "Look, it's complicated, all right? But Twilight wanted to find Havoc in order to get information on Blood Rite!"

Another soldier frowned. "And why would Havoc know anything about Rite if he wasn't part of the rebellion?"

"Because... well, I'm not completely sure. He only mentioned Rite in passing. I guess he fought them before? We didn't actually know there WAS a rebellion at that point," Spike admitted. "But what I'm saying is Havoc is definitely against them! He was only with Swan Song to try to infiltrate the enemy base!"

The soldiers looked skeptical. One of them, a unicorn Captain, tilted his head to the side thoughtfully.

"So, let me get this straight," he began, untilting his head. "You meet an unknown pony out of nowhere with some connection to a dangerous outcast. Princess Twilight Sparkle then tracks him down on the basis of this connection, leaving her friends and protectors behind. As a result, she is ambushed and captured. And now this pony is dallying openly with the rebels, and says it's part of some 'plan' to trick them. A plan that is SO IMPORTANT, apparently, that he's willing to harm Equestrian soldiers to maintain his ploy."

Spike winced progressively harder as the Captain spoke, and then heaved a sigh. "Yes. That's basically what's happening, here. I know it looks bad, but it's the truth!"

"I'm sure you think so, citizen," the Captain drawled, "but our orders have the backing of the entire Equestrian military and government intelligence behind it. I'm confident their assessment of the situation is accurate."

Spike clenched his fists, wracking his brain to think of a persuasive argument. The only detail he had left out so far was that the plan to join the rebels as a ruse came from Trixie. It was a strategic omission, since he didn't really want the magician to be caught up in this any more than she already was; as long as neither the authorities or the rebels thought Trixie was worth their time, then she could leave at any point and nopony would have to deal with her anymore. Although the idea of having Trixie dragged away and interrogated had a certain amount of vengeful appeal to the young dragon, he really didn't want to risk ruining the plan any further or have the magician punished for her earnest effort to help capture Blood Rite.

Would they even believe me if I brought her up? Would they believe HER? Trixie has a criminal record too, doesn't she? No. The only pony who can vindicate Ranma is Princess Luna or, if this works, Twilight herself.

"Okay, fine. You don't believe me," Spike huffed.

"I believe that you believe your story," the Captain corrected, "but your information was fed to you by a wily outlaw working under a criminal mastermind."

"And YOUR information is just wrong!" Spike countered. "Just ask Princess Luna! The story about Havoc attacking her is all wrong! He SAVED her!"

"I'll keep that in mind..." the Captain trailed off, suddenly distracted. His eyes dilated, and he tilted his head upward, as if staring at something in the sky.

Spike didn't know what was going on until a different soldier mumbled an explanation. "Must be a communication from General Firebrand. Wonder how much of the rebels are left to interrogate." A round of chuckles came from the other Guards, and Spike felt his stomach turn inside-out.

When the Captain snapped out of his daze, his expression was frantic. "General Firebrand is down! I repeat, the General is DOWN!"

A round of shocked gasps came from the pony soldiers. Spike's mood brightened instantly.

For a second, at least.

"Impossible! What kind of monsters are these ponies?"

"That mule! This Havoc wretch is going to pay!"

"Let's put down those filthy traitors!"

Spike winced again. "Um, guys? Don't you think-"

The Captain cut him off, shouting to his men. "Pegasi, sweep North and locate the General at once! I want Crimson Squad ready to get him out of there to receive proper treatment immediately! His life may be in danger!"

"Sir!" barked numerous ponies. A moment later the pegasi leapt into the air, bolting from the area in a flurry of loose feathers. Several unicorns galloped after them, winding through the city streets.

"Iron Squad, fall back to the local Guard barracks with the mission objective. He is not permitted to leave until a Princess says so!"

Spike grunted as he was picked up off the ground and then dropped onto a different soldier's back. "So now I'm a 'mission objective,' huh? Better than being a hostage, I guess," the young dragon mumbled.

"Wait, so you WERE being held hostage by this Havoc guy?" the soldier asked.

"Knock it off and get moving, would you?" Spike sighed.

Swan Song gently crept through the brush, slowly scanning back and forth constantly. Her ears stood straight up, and her senses balanced on a razor's edge to detect any sign of intruders or pursuers.

Given that, she still had to continually glance over her shoulder to make sure Ranma was still following her. She had been surprised before at the martial artist's ability to creep up on her and Rite without notice, but actually traveling with him put his casual stealth into stark relief. Ranma made no sound as he followed her path through the woods, and she wouldn't be surprised if he didn't add so much as a speck of dirt to her own trail.

"Okay, I think we're clear. Havoc, do you sense anypony?" the sorceress said, stepping into a circular clearing.

Ranma tilted his head to the side. "Nope."

Unfortunately, he was telling the truth. Trixie was keeping her distance to avoid being spotted, and was definitely out of sight of them. Which was fine for keeping her cover, but might mean she would miss wherever they were headed. Ranma didn't think he'd need Trixie's help to deal with the sorcerers, but he'd definitely rather have her shadowing them than not.

Swan walked up to one of the trees ringing the clearing. It didn't seem substantially different from any of the others, but then the sorceress placed a hoof against its trunk. A shimmering white aura flashed around the tree, and in an instant it was replaced by a tall, stone column. Runic symbols were carved all over the surface, and several of them pulsed with magical energy in what seemed to Ranma to be a random pattern.

"Okay, is this it? This tree that's actually a magic rock thing?" Ranma asked. "I just want to be clear how this works, in case I need to use it on my own."

Swan took her hoof down, shaking her head. "You can't use it on your own, I'm afraid. It takes a unicorn's magic to activate the warp lodestone."

"Right, right. You said that before," Ranma mumbled, rubbing his chin with a hoof. "But if I WAS a unicorn, how exactly would this work?"

The mare paused, looking confused. "Well... I suppose you DID turn into a pegasus before. Somehow becoming a unicorn isn't completely outside the realm of possibility."

"Yes. That is exactly why I asked." Ranma's eyes darted back and forth. "So you should tell me before we leave."

"Right. So the warp lodestone is part of a teleport web that Mister Rite built to move quickly across vast distances. His own personal teleport is powerful, but still only good for several miles at a time." She raised her hoof again, and then pointed to a specific ring of the lodestone. "After dispelling the illusion barrier, a unicorn just has to power the ring indicating where they want to go, and then speak the password. In this case it's this one."

"So, your base is the one with the little fire above an eye in the front?" Ranma said, speaking very deliberately and clearly.

"Yes, exactly!"

A snort came from the magic item next to Ranma's ear. "Okay, Ranma, you can stop. Really, Trixie is almost starting to feel bad for the dunce." A snicker came from the magician, followed by a final command. "After Trixie hears the password, Trixie is set. You follow Swan through and drop the sweatband in front of the portal so Trixie knows exactly where it is."

Swan Song lowered her horn to aim at the lodestone, and then fired a small beam of yellow magic into the ring. The grooves seemed to fill with light, although only a small section of the stone's runic etchings were affected.

"Throwing a wrench into the merciless gears of fate," Swan Song said solemnly.

"Wow. Melodramatic much?" Trixie quipped. Ranma rolled his eyes, glad that he would be able to ditch the communicator coin soon.

The lodestone crackled with power, and the affected ring glowed ever brighter. Then the magical energy all flooded through the grooves to a single point on the ring. The glittering point of light then expanded, creating a liquid-like disk of pulsing blue.

"This is it! We're clear!" Swan Song said excitedly. "Follow me, Havoc!" She leapt through the portal without further hesitation.

Ranma pushed the sweatband off of his head, letting the bright red cloth fall onto the forest floor. The coin dropped down next to it, and he lowered his head to the magic item.

"Please hurry. I don't know how much longer I can stand this weirdo," he mumbled. Then the martial artist leapt forward into the portal.

The magical gateway rippled, like a disturbed pool of water, and then quickly drew closed. Moments later, the lodestone flickered, and then its illusory shield snapped back into place, giving it the appearance of a common oak tree.

Author's Note

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria (two counts), assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (multiple counts), vandalism (multiple counts), destruction of private property, resisting arrest, assaulting and battery of an Equestrian General, assaulting an officer (multiple counts), assaulting a soldier of Equestria (multiple counts), unlawful appropriation of military equipment, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice, high treason, refusal of a royal decree, conspiracy to rebellion, more high treason, illegal deforestation, dine & dash.

Geez, slow progress still. That election still going on. Don't want to talk about it here.
There were two pictures I had done since the last chapter. The second one is the Swan pic for the date, done by PonyOfTardis. The first one doesn't really fit anywhere in particular, so I'm just posting it at the end of the last chapter retro-actively. Check it out!

Flamehearst

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 11

Flamehearst

Ranma's senses went completely wild during the brief transition through the portal. His vision blurred, his ears were filled with incoherent noise, and his stomach turned. He had never experienced anything quite like it; even the occasion in which he had accidentally been teleported hadn't felt so bizarre. For a moment he even considered that perhaps his magic allergy had acted up and prevented the magic gate from working. Frankly, after everything else that had gone wrong during his rescue of Twilight Sparkle, it would be an entirely appropriate and predictable way for the mission to end in disaster.

After that moment, however, the sensation passed. Ranma's senses snapped back into place, and he found himself stumbling onto a rock plateau. Swan Song was waiting, and the unicorn smiled eagerly upon seeing him emerge. A second later the portal vanished, disappearing into a tall stone spire that acted as the lodestone for this point of the warp network.

"Yes! We did it! We're here!" Swan reared up and clapped her front hooves together happily. Ranma would have found the gesture utterly adorable under other circumstances, but was still of a mind that he was in enemy territory.

"So this is... Flamehearst?" Ranma mumbled, looking around at the area. There wasn't a whole lot to see; the entire region seemed to be composed of massive sheets of rough obsidian. Huge spears of the dark stone jutted out of the ground at random points and angles, giving it a distinctly "volcanic wasteland" look. The only especially distinguishing feature seemed to be a tall stone tower in the distance; their destination, no doubt.

While Ranma was taking in the scenery, Swan stepped up and leaned against him, pressing her muzzle against his neck and sighing in contentment. It was all he could do to keep himself from shuddering in disgust.

"We've been through so much, but we're home now," the mare said softly, rubbing her cheek against the stallion. "I'm really glad I took that blue loser's deal to go meet you. I can hardly believe the fool actually offered you up like that!"

Ranma's eye twitched in irritation, and he silently weighed the prospect of knocking Swan out then and there and leaving her for Trixie to find. I guess I should actually play this thing out to the end. I got this far, after all.

"Let's get moving," Ranma calmly but firmly separated himself from the unicorn, and then nudged his head toward the tower. "I assume that's your place?"

"Yup! That's Mister Rite's evil wizard tower!" Swan chirped, still plenty excited. She broke into a gallop toward the forbidding structure. "Come on! I'll show you around!"

Ranma shook his head, exasperated. Then he started to follow after the sorceress, glancing behind him at the lodestone that had delivered them to their destination.

The stone started to flicker, and one of its rings filled with magical energy from a source unseen to him.

Ranma quickly turned away and raced after Swan Song.

Princess Celestia arrived in a pulse of bright magic, her body appearing with all the suddenness and unsubtle might of a lightning bolt. Princess Luna appeared in a slightly more subdued, but no less dramatic manner, stepping out of a shroud of magical shadows.

Both ponies appeared before a contingent of Equestrian Royal Guards, and the armored ponies swiftly bowed. One of the soldiers quickly rose from his kneeling pose and then rushed into the barracks nearby to alert a commander.

Luna turned her head this way and that, taking in the sight of the city. "So this is Coltson... this settlement did not exist before my banishment. Quite large, for a border settlement."

"I hear the marketplace is second to none. You should have taken some time to tour before dueling with upstart rogues," Celestia said wryly. Luna huffed petulantly.

"Princesses!" A unicorn Captain galloped out of the barracks and then stumbled to a halt in his haste to kneel before the royal sisters.

"Please, soldier, be at ease," Celestia insisted. "Stand up and give your report."

The unicorn rose as instructed, but he hesitated before speaking. His ears flipped down, and the stallion sighed. "The news is... mixed, your Highness."

"Then begin with the good news, Captain," Celestia insisted.

"Sparkle's assistant, the dragon Spike, has been secured. He is safe and is cooperating with our soldiers," the Captain reported, snapping a hoof up in salute. "Furthermore, Coltson has been secured. We still have squads patrolling the streets and questioning the populace, but there seems to be no signs of general unrest or support for the rebellion here."

"That is very good to hear," Celestia said with a nod, "now the bad news."

The Captain winced. "When... When we began our initial push into the city, we DID stumble upon a pair of rebel warriors. We attacked immediately, but they... well, they escaped."

"Escaped where?" Luna pressed.

"Somewhere to the North," the Captain explained. "At least, that's what General Firebrand suggested before he was knocked out."

Princess Celestia frowned, causing the soldier to sweat nervously. "Explain in greater detail, please."

"When we first arrived, the rebels Swan Song and Havoc were found at the Feed Bag Cafe near the harbor," the Captain began. "We assaulted them immediately, but they repelled our initial attack and the panic from the civilians nearby slowed our efforts to regroup and give chase. General Firebrand himself elected to cut them off during their escape while we secured the town and searched for the ringleader Blood Rite."

He paused, and Celestia furrowed her brow. "I take it that strategy failed," mumbled the white Princess.

"It... did, Princess," the Captain mumbled. "General Firebrand was badly beaten. The medics are tending to him now. His wounds are not critical, but he's suffered considerable blunt trauma and some electric damage. He also... seems to have lost the Alchemist's Heart, his signature magic item. We're combing the northern forest, of course, but such terrain makes it very easy to hide from our scouts, and we have no idea where they're headed. Until the General awakes, we have no leads on the rebels' whereabouts."

Celestia issued a deep sigh. "I see. This is most regrettable, but there may yet be clues about the rebels' presence in the city. It is doubtful that they were still here without good reason, given all they've accomplished recently." Then she turned her head to look at Luna. "It's unfortunate, but it seems that the stallion Havoc is truly our enemy. I'm sorry, Luna."

Luna blinked. "Sorry? About what, Sister?"

Celestia hesitated, wondering if her younger sister hadn't been paying attention to the report. "About Havoc. I know you had a... favorable impression of him after he rescued you the other night, but his crimes against Equestria have become too severe and too many to ignore."

Luna continued staring at Celestia in confusion, and then shook her head. "No, Sister, you are mistaken. The stallion Saotome Ranma was the one to rescue me from Blood Rite. This rogue known as 'Havoc' is somepony else entirely."

"What? They're different ponies? Are you sure?" Celestia asked, frowning. "The picture of Havoc in the newspapers look just like your paintings."

"I am most certain," Luna said firmly. "The stallion who rode to my aid and dispatched the sorcerers would have nothing to do with such villains. And in Saddlebrook it was confided to me that a similar-looking miscreant was wreaking destruction who identified as the pony in the journals of record."

"Does one of them have a mustache?" asked another soldier. "I heard there was some confusion over a mustache."

"I am unsure," Luna shrugged, "I have never met this scoundrel 'Havoc.' But by his name alone I surmise he is an ally of the sorcerous villains. Saotome, on the other hoof, is a stallion of impeccable honor and martial grace... as well as superb physique..." she seemed to drift off briefly as she spoke, and then she sighed. "Although he also possesses a belligerent stubborn streak, to be sure. But he is no malefactor."

"Understood, Princess," the Captain said, saluting again. Then he added, under his breath, "I knew that dragon kid was full of it..."

"Well, I'm surprised, but if Havoc is a different pony entirely, then there seems to be no further issue with our course of action." Celestia nodded. "Continue monitoring General Firebrand. We shall take a platoon of guards to the forest to search. Our magic may be able to find the rebels where an ordinary search failed."

"As you wish, your Highness," the Captain bowed again. "Good luck!"

The heavy clanking noise of a lock opening filled the empty halls of Rite's tower. It was followed by the groaning of iron hinges, and the heavy double-doors at the main entrance slowly creaked open. Swan Song stepped through first, practically dancing on her hoof-tips out of sheer joy and anticipation. Ranma came through after her, his expression one of quiet discomfort.

"Here we are! Home sweet home!" Swan said brightly, using her magic to push the door closed. "Watch your step, as the hallway IS trapped."

Ranma glanced behind when the door shut, and then watched Swan's magic turn a switch that locked it. "Heavy security, huh?"

"Yup! The tower is built to make quick work of anypony who sneaks in here. A determined siege is a different story, of course." Swan looked up toward a heavy brass chandelier hanging above the main hall. "There are some tricks to getting around safely."

Using her telekinesis magic again, Swan Song took hold of a certain candle among the arms that wasn't lit. She pulled on it, and the arm bent downward before snapping back up. Then a series of heavy grinding noises and ominous clicks came from various points on the walls and floor as the numerous mechanisms locked down.

Ranma took the opportunity to quickly turn the switch on the front door lock. Its subtle click was lost among the noise, and the martial artist quickly trotted up next to the sorceress.

"Okay, are we good?" he asked.

"Should be fine! Follow me to the stairs!" Swan said, moving forward. "The entire first floor is mostly just hazard space and cheap trinkets to kill off spies and thieves that sneak in. All the important stuff and our living quarters are above."

She reached a stone staircase that wound upward in a large circle on the periphery of the tower. There was an iron torch hanging from the wall at its base, and Swan stopped to check that Ranma was standing close enough.

Then she pulled the torch down with her magic. It clicked into place, and then the cacophony of snaps and groans repeated itself through the halls.

"Follow me!" Swan Song raced up the stairs, quickly disappearing from view.

Ranma waited for a moment at the base of the stairs, and then slapped the torch back up into its previous position. The noise in the hall continued without pause as the mechanisms started locking down again.

"Right behind you!" the martial artist called, ascending into the heart of the enemy's lair.

Swan Song was waiting for him on the next floor, and she quickly beckoned over to a large open space with a table. "Okay, so over here is the kitchen, while on the opposite side is our food stocks. Mister Rite tends to make simple meals most days or just snack on peanuts in his lab, and lets me cook for myself. Over there is a separate storage room for chemicals and things that we don't want placed alongside our food supply."

Ranma nodded. "Got it." He followed Swan for a few more seconds before speaking again. "So, you said earlier that Rite isn't actually here right now?"

"Yes. Or, rather, he IS, but not really."

"... Huh?"

Swan stopped in her tracks, and then jabbed a hoof downward. "Mister Rite is up to something in the basement, apparently. He took the MacGuffin Stone, too. I can't get in there, but he said he'd be working all day." She giggled. "I'll bet he's turning the MacGuffin Stone into some sort of superweapon! I can hardly wait!"

Ranma made an aggravated noise, and Swan Song looked back and grinned at him. "Oh, don't worry, he won't be that long." Then her expression took on a more sultry air. "Besides, I'm sure we can find something... fun to do in the meantime."

This didn't particularly help the martial artist's discontent, and he offered the sorceress a nervous grin. Swan started up the stairs to the next level, and Ranma trudged after her.

Okay, so I don't really know where Rite is or how to get to him, and he has the dumb rock. Not good. On the other hand, I got this far and Swan still doesn't suspect a thing. So what now? Do I play this out until Rite appears? I REALLY hope I don't have to do that.

Ranma was generally considered "dense" by those who knew him, especially in the areas of romance and sexuality, but it was impossible for even him to misunderstand Swan Song's intentions. But what to do about it?

I could just knock her out at any time, but... I dunno. Hitting a chick for coming onto me just feels wrong, even if she is a bad guy. I should just turn her down. Play it cool, say I'm not ready for that. Yeah. No problem.

He couldn't help but feel it was still going to be a problem.

"And here we are! Over here is Mister Rite's bedroom, and here's mine!" Swan pointed giddily to a wooden door that had her cutie mark painted over it, and Ranma suddenly felt a magical surge of force pulling him along in that direction.

"Whoa! Hey! Hold on!" the stallion said, holding himself firm against her efforts. "Look, Swan, I was just thinking, maybe we should rest a little while first? I just got here, you know? Less than an hour ago I was dodging deadly fireballs! This is moving a little too quickly!"

Swan Song blinked, and tilted her head to the side. "I usually find my sex drive is substantially improved by near-death experiences, personally." Then she looked down at herself, frowning. Her fur was frayed and dirty, and one of her legs was still slightly blackened from being scorched. "Although now that you mention it, I took some pretty bad spills back there. I could definitely stand to freshen up first."

"Yes! Exactly. Great. Take your time." Ranma looked back and forth, trying hard to avoid eye contact.

Swan snickered and walked past him, making sure to brush her tail across Ranma's neck and chest. "You go ahead and make yourself comfortable. I'll take a quick bath, and then you can get me dirty again."

Ranma made a mute gagging expression while the unicorn mare giggled and trotted down the hall. Swan opened a door just beyond the bedrooms and then stepped inside, her tail and hips swaying provocatively the entire way.

The martial artist found nothing appealing about the display, and he called out to his host before she shut the door. "Oh, hey! Real quick: if I look around the tower some more while you're busy, are there any more traps I should watch out for?"

Swan Song paused just inside the bathroom. "No, nothing that I know of. Of course, the third floor contains the library and lab, so you should be careful not to touch anything because it could be important. And you should definitely stay away from the floors above that, because that's where Mister Rite creates his big runic constructions that shield the tower from being detected! For all I know, those could be very sensitive."

"Detected? Like, by the Equestrians?"

"Yes, as well as your MacGuffin sense thingy," Swan confirmed. "There may even be a bunch of other important magic stuff going on up there, because Mister Rite does a lot of big, fancy experiments and I'm not really into that sort of thing. So you probably shouldn't mess with that." She shrugged, then blew the pigtailed stallion a kiss. "See you in a bit, stud!"

Ranma shuddered after the door closed.

"What a weirdo. She KNOWS I'm not actually a horse. Yeesh." Shaking his head, he turned and took a few steps toward the stairwell. "Pst! Trix! It's all clear!" he hissed.

A slight scuffling sound was heard from the stairs, and then the aforementioned unicorn peeked up into the room.

"She's gone?"

"She's taking a bath. We have a little while to look this place over." Ranma pointed a hoof upward. "She says the lab is on the next floor, but Rite has been busy all day in some basement room she can't get to."

"Perfect." Trixie smirked and beckoned to Ranma, and then they continued ascending the stairs to the next level. "Trixie will take a look through Rite's research while he's otherwise occupied. Maybe set a trap or two for the putz."

She giggled darkly as she reached the next floor and stepped onto a large, carpeted room. Unlike the other floors, this section of the tower wasn't divided into separate rooms and instead featured one large, circular workspace broken up by tall bookcases. Such bookcases also lined the walls from end to end, with the only break being the entryway from the stairs. Taking up the rest of the space were several tables covered in alchemical equipment, reams of notes, crystals, and strange machines; the very picture of an arcane workshop.

"Okay, so, what's the plan?" Ranma mumbled. "Swan said Rite has the rock. What do we do?"

Trixie trotted up to one of the tables and started skimming the papers laid out over it. "Well, Trixie has just about come around to your way of presuming complete incompetence on the part of the Equestrian authorities, so having them arrested probably isn't going to happen. Really, even if we did turn the dopes over to the Guard, chances are they'd be free and harassing Trixie again within the week." She huffed irritably, blowing a lock of her mane out of her eyes. "Trixie needs some time to look this place over. Hopefully there's some material on the MacGuffin Stone that can lend a clue as to what Rite is trying to do with it, and maybe how Trixie can stop it. After that, Trixie will play it by ear. Maybe cook up a big arcane explosion to draw Mister Evil Name out of his dungeon lair."

"Okay. Not bad. Decent plan." Ranma paused, then started chewing his lip. "Seems like that might take a little while, though. Should I take out Swan Song after she finishes her bath?"

"No," Trixie said firmly, shaking her head, "keep up the deception as long as possible. We don't know if she has a last-ditch defense or some kind of important information that we don't obviously need right now. No reason to mess that up." Her horn levitated a few sheets of parchment to her so she could read them.

Ranma squirmed some more. "Well, see... the thing is... I think she wants to... uh... you know-"

"Yes, she wants you to rut her senseless. Trixie noticed." The magician rolled her eyes and discarded the last clutch of notes. "That's fine. Perfect, actually. Trixie needs the time to search and study this stuff, and doesn't want her wandering around the tower to notice."

"It's not fine!" Ranma protested.

Trixie paused, arching a brow at the martial artist. "It's not? What, you can't last that long? Try to stretch the pillow talk, then."

"Not that! I can't do it with her! She's a pony!" Ranma insisted.

"Yes. So what? Trixie really isn't seeing an issue, here. Is Swan not pretty enough for you?"

Ranma slapped a hoof to his face. "That's not the problem! I'm not really a pony, remember?"

"Okay, fine. So rest assured that Swan is quite lovely by pony standards," Trixie said, shrugging. "Not as pretty as Trixie, obviously, but you could do much worse when seducing henchmares for access to their evil laboratories." She went back to the lab tables, looking over the calculations on a chalk board.

"Not the PROBLEM!" Ranma hissed again. "I don't want my first time to be with a horse! Especially not a horse that I don't even like!"

Trixie froze, and slowly turned a suspect gaze upon Ranma again. "First time? Really?"

"Yes, really!" Ranma stamped a hoof lightly against the floor. "And now you want me to do... THAT... with HER?"

Trixie didn't answer right away. The blue unicorn raised a hoof to her chin and stared into Ranma's eyes for several seconds, as if she was trying to figure out a particularly stubborn puzzle.

Then she stepped up to the stallion. "Trixie understands. This is about more than just our immediate goal to you. Asking you to pretend to love somepony intimately like that is completely different from asking you to play nice and eat a meal with her. Not to mention that it's a fairly distasteful way to manipulate Swan Song, as well."

"Yes! Yes, exactly!" Ranma agreed eagerly, nodding his head.

"HOWEVER," Trixie continued, much to his distress, "this is more important than that. Princess Twilight Sparkle's life, and the future of the entire nation may be at stake. Trixie needs the time to study this place, and these are the best circumstances available." She paused to clear her throat meaningfully. "So, as terrible and unfair as it is, you're going to have to go have sex with an attractive young female desperately in love with you." She placed a hoof on Ranma's shoulder and drawled, "Lesser stallions have made greater sacrifices."

Ranma started stuttering incoherently, but before he could form a retort he heard a call from below.

"Oh, Haaaavoooooc! I'm ready for you now!" Swan's sing-song voice echoed through the tower, and Ranma squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth.

"Trix! Please! Don't make me do this!" the pigtailed stallion begged quietly. His ears flipped down, and he started making hurt-puppy-dog eyes at the magician.

"Trixie isn't making you do anything," the blue pony said, patting his shoulder with her leg. "Trixie is just giving you the plan that you asked for. Trixie can't force you to listen, but if you don't, this entire rescue attempt may well fail, and whatever happens to Princess Sparkle will be YOUR FAULT. Are you okay with that?" She arched a single eyebrow.

"Havoc? Hello?" called Swan from the stairway.

Ranma made a sound like he was trying to contain a scream. Then he whirled around. "I'll be down in a sec!" he called, a single tear running down his cheek. "Then we can... you know... get... busy..." he almost choked on the last word, and it emerged as a barely audible whimper.

Swan clearly didn't notice. "Okay! I'll be in my room!" she said brightly. Her declaration was followed by the sound of galloping, followed by a door opening and closing.

Trixie watched Ranma cringe, and then she sighed. "Look, if it makes a difference, Trixie can replace this part of our daring rescue with a climactic monster battle when she tells the tale via puppet-show. Better off that way anyhow, if there are foals in the audience. Would that help?"

"Yes, please," Ranma mumbled. He started trudging toward the stairs, looking for all the world like a pony walking toward the gallows rather than an eager maiden.

Once downstairs once more, Ranma sat down heavily in front of Swan Song's bedroom. His heart was thundering in his chest, and droplets of sweat ran down his neck.

All right Ranma. This is it. Not your finest or most heroic moment, but Trix's plan is working. This is for Equestria! No, wait, I hate Equestria. Okay, then it's for Sparks and Spike! They're all right. I could do unspeakable things with a barn animal for their sakes.

He placed a hoof against the door latch. "Just walk in, smile, climb into the bed, and then lie back and think of Tokyo," he mumbled.

Ranma pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Swan Song's room, like the unicorn herself, was surprisingly conventional and normal despite her status as an aspiring megalomaniac. A large vanity was mounted on a dresser in the corner, a small bookcase contained a selection of everything from poetry journals to archaeology textbooks, and the entire space smelled faintly of mangos. A crystal carving of Swan Song's cutie mark stood next to a nightstand, cut in morbidly realistic detail that far surpassed the silhouette on her hip. On the other side of that wall was the room's only window, framed with hot pink curtains that were currently drawn closed to keep out the light of day.

Between them was the inevitable focus of Ranma's attention: Swan Song's bed. A heavy, king-sized affair, it boasted a canopy and silk curtains that matched those over the window. In the middle of the bed lay his "date." Swan Song rested on her belly, her tail flicking back and forth eagerly. She had on a pair of lacy black panties that covered her rear - complete with tail hole, of course - and also wore two sets of matching socks over her hooves.

"Hey there, stud," the sorceress purred, fluttering her eyelashes, "ready to make some magic happen?"

Ranma blinked. "Okay, wait; you guys walk around naked in the streets, but put on underwear before you fool around? How does THAT make sense?"

Swan's expression darkened, and the atmosphere instantly soured. "You... You don't like them?" She started fidgeting anxiously, looking down at her legs.

Belatedly, Ranma realized that he had killed the mood and started backtracking. "No! I mean, that's not it! It's just... that's, uh... that's not how humans do it, you know?" he finished lamely, shifting uncomfortably.

Swan seemed to relax, and she grinned at the pigtailed stallion. "You're a pony now, Havoc. It's time you learned how to act like one." She flicked her tail again. "And how to LOVE like one."

Far from enchanted, Ranma bristled and started muttering under his breath. "I'm only a pony because of YOU, you crazy-" Then his eyes widened with a sudden epiphany.

I almost forgot! Swan Song turned me into a pony to begin with! I've been trying to get her to turn me back ever since! And here we are! This could be my big chance! This could be my LAST chance!

Ranma's expression and posture shifted instantly, and he walked up to the edge of the bed with a hopeful smile on his face. "So. Swan. I know you've been looking forward to this, but I have a... special request for you before we start."

"Oh?" The unicorn licked her lips eagerly. "Ask away. I'm sure I can make you VERY happy."

"R-Right..." Ranma made a slightly squeamish face before he took a deep breath and continued. "After we do this, do you think you could change me back to a human?"

Once again, the mare reacted as if he had dumped a bucket of ice on her. "WHAT? No!" Swan shouted, recoiling.

Ranma was genuinely surprised at the emphatic rejection. "Why not? We're on the same side now, right?"

"What does THAT matter?" the sorceress asked, increasingly irritated.

"What does it... It matters a lot! Why wouldn't you change me back?"

"Because I don't want to date a mutant ape!" Swan snapped, scowling at the stallion.

Ranma looked properly offended. "Would you stop calling me that? You KNOW what we're called now! And it's not like I'm looking to go out with a pony, so we're even!"

Swan Song, for reasons that completely escaped Ranma, looked totally shocked at this admission. She stood up on her bed and glared at her would-be lover. "What are you saying? If you didn't want to go out with me, why did you?"

"Because you SAID I had to if I was going to join your dumb rebellion, remember?" Ranma growled.

"The rebellion is NOT dumb! Take it back!" Swan seethed.

"You want me to take it back? Change me back to a human!" Ranma demanded, pounding a hoof to the floor. "You promise to do that, and I'll do whatever you want!"

The equine martial artist thought his proposition was entirely fair and convincing, if not completely underhanded since he still intended to betray the sorceress. To his surprise, however, Swan looked even more upset than before.

"Why? Why are you so determined to change back?" the unicorn cried, pounding a hoof into the mattress repeatedly. "What's so awful about being a pony?"

"No hands, no fingers, no television, no pants, no meat, no-" Ranma instantly started rattling off a list of answers, only to be interrupted by an angry growl from the green mare.

"Well, forget it! I'm not changing you back into a human! Ever!" Swan snapped.

"Even if it means I'll just leave?" Ranma challenged.

"Even then!" Swan replied hotly.

Ranma was again surprised by the answer. "Why? What difference does it make, then? Why won't you turn me back no matter what?"

"Because..." Swan clenched her teeth, and tears started welling in the corners of her eyes. "Because I CAN'T!!" She shouted.

"Yeesh, they sure are being loud down there. And not in a sexy way."

Trixie shook her head while she scanned another folder full of papers for clues. She wasn't especially surprised that Ranma's "seduction" attempt had broken down so easily, even with such a willing victim. For all the stallion's casual fighting prowess, he seemed completely inept socially and especially awkward when it came to romance. That the romance was faked certainly made things much, much worse; Ranma was the sort to wear his thoughts like Trixie wore her hat.

Still, he was keeping Swan Song occupied, one way or another. Trixie would have preferred he stallion up and stick to the plan, but getting Swan Song to kick him out of her room and lock herself inside would also serve their purposes.

"Interesting... so this is how the MacGuffin Stone captures creatures?" Trixie mumbled, levitating one sheet above the others. It was full of several complex calculations and runic symbols, along with a stick-figure drawing of a flailing Princess Celestia. "I'll look these over later."

Trixie levitated her hat up, and then used her magic to slip the papers inside of it. She already had several other research notes tucked away under her prized accessory as well. While she couldn't take the time now to puzzle out the MacGuffin Stone's abilities and Rite's greater plan for it, she would always be able to study it later.

"Hmm... odd. What's this about?"

Trixie's attention was drawn to a chalkboard that had a sketch of the tower on it, along with a diagram of a space underneath it. It was difficult to figure out exactly what the diagram was supposed to be. Much of it was smudged, and there were several overlapping figures and calculations that didn't immediately make sense. One word, however, stood out among the mess: Kamikazan. The word was circled, and several erratic notes below included the terms "power source," "back-up," and "volatile."

Trixie turned away from the board, and her eyes scanned the title of a stack of books on the edge of a lab table. One of the them near the bottom immediately caught her eye, as its title reminded her of the note: Furnace of Flamehearst, the Prison of Kamikazan.

"Flamehearst... isn't that what Swan Song called this place? Trixie never heard of it or saw it on a map." She pulled the book out of its stack with her magic, and then flipped it around to read the back.

"The thrilling history of the legendary Dragon Prince, as assembled by the esteemed historian and archaeologist Dusty Tome. Author of the award winning 'Dungeon Crawling: For Dummies' and 'Why Bowling Balls Have Holes: A Study of Equestrian Tools and Their Finger-Centric Origins.' Hmmm..."

Trixie turned the book back over and opened it to the table of contents. She hardly had the time to read a collection of historical essays and their conclusions, but a brief explanation of what Kamikazan was and why Flamehearst was important could offer some sort of useful clue.

"Just what are you up to, Blood Rite..."

Blood Rite stared grimly at the circle of the stone on the floor. "At last, it is... done."

The sorcerer looked tired, and his hair was matted with sweat. Numerous scrolls were laid out across a series of stone tables and benches, along with the massacred remains of a sack of salted peanuts. It was obvious that the stallion hadn't washed in days, and he clearly hadn't gotten much rest, either.

In front of him was a large chamber dug into the cavern that resided under his tower. The walls were carved obsidian, and numerous glowing runes provided illumination along with a few magic torches scattered around the interior. In the middle of the chamber was a ring of magical obelisks placed around a series of runic circles.

Rite stared hard at the construct. His eyes drank in every detail, ensuring that not a single line was scuffed or misplaced. He had put untold hours into this endeavor, and if anything went wrong, then it could easily spell the end of his entire plan. This was it.

"All right, then..." he sighed, turning around.

The MacGuffin Stone lay on a nearby bench, gleaming in the dim light. He levitated it into the air and stared at the large facing. The artifact seemed to shine with unusual energy, recently. More so than he had observed when he'd first captured the gem. Occasionally he could swear that he saw a shining, six-pointed star within the core.

I can't tell if I'm going crazy or observing relevant magic pattern concurrence anymore. This has to end.

Rite turned around, carrying the MacGuffin Stone along with him.

He faced the middle of the magic construct he had built.

Then he started feeding power into the artifact.

"This might hurt somewhat," he said, seemingly to himself. "I've only done this once before, after all."

Rite's horn pulsed, and the MacGuffin Stone pulsed in sympathy. Then a shining blast of purple energy shot out of the gem, screaming into the magic circle. Rite lurched backward from the discharge and rush of displaced air, but the stallion braced himself in time and stayed upright.

The energy bolt shot past the middle of the circle, and then it struck a series of magic barriers and halted. The glaring corona of lavender magic dimmed, and then eventually subsided completely. In response, a new series of magic barriers and wards activated in turn, wrapping the circle of obelisks in a protective barrier.

Within that barrier lay Twilight Sparkle.

"Good afternoon, Princess." Rite placed the MacGuffin Stone back on a nearby bench. "Your hibernation is over. It's time to wake up."

The purple Princess was some ways ahead of him. Twilight's eyes fluttered open, and she started flailing in a panic on the stone floor.

"What's going on?! Where am I?! What happened?!" The alicorn quickly jumped to her hooves, her wings spread and her fur bristling. Her head snapped left and right, and then her eyes narrowed once they fell on Blood Right.

"YOU..." the Princess snarled.

"Hello, Princess Sparkle," Rite said calmly, "Are you well? The effects of imprisonment within the MacGuffin Stone are not well understood. The last... individual this happened to seemed rather disoriented."

Twilight said nothing for several seconds, continuing to glare. Her mind was foggy, and she struggled to assemble the current circumstances and connect them to the last thing she remembered.

"Take your time, Princess. I'm not going anywhere," Rite assured her.

Sure enough, Twilight finished ordering her thoughts after a few seconds. Her ears perked straight up, and her eyes went wide.

"You... You let me out," she said, her voice cracking slightly.

"I did," Rite confirmed.

"Then... Then it's over," Twilight said while her body trembled. "You did it? You beat Princess Celestia?"

"I did not," Rite admitted.

This took Twilight some time to absorb, and her ears flipped down. "Wait, so... that means you FAILED to defeat Celestia? You've given up and you're letting me go?"

"Also inaccurate," the sorcerer said.

Twilight pursed her lips tightly, and then sat on her haunches and folded up her wings into a resting position. "You know what? Maybe I'll just listen and let you explain what's happening."

"Thank you, Princess." Rite took a deep breath. "This decision was not easy to come by. Nor was the actual effort insignificant. But I have decided to... deny you a part in my scheme, if you will." He shook his head. "I still intend to end Princess Celestia's reign, and remove the royal order from power entirely. But I can do so without your assistance, passive and unwilling as it was."

Twilight's feathers ruffled, and her eyes narrowed at the stallion. Her eyes darted left and right, analyzing the mechanics of the magical fields containing her. They were focused on anti-magic, suppressing her most obvious advantage, but were backed up by physical force screens that blocked a more crude escape attempt. There were other spells as well that she couldn't recognize in a proper runic formula, but the gist of her situation was obvious: she was completely at the sorcerer's mercy.

"You sick, arrogant mule," Twilight hissed through clenched teeth, "what are you planning to do to me?!"

"I'm planning to teleport you outside to somewhere safe," Rite explained. "I'm not going to tell you exactly where, but by my estimation it should take you approximately a week to get word to Canterlot or return there yourself. Hopefully, I'll be in the final stages of my plan by then, but if not, well..." he shrugged.

Needless to say, this robbed Twilight of much of her indignant fury. "You're... You're letting me GO? Why?" she asked, utterly perplexed.

Blood Rite looked away for a moment, his expression pained. "... Various reasons," the sorcerer mumbled. "For one, I do not find the cruel irony of you being instrumental in Celestia's downfall nearly as entertaining as my intern does. When the royal family lies in ruins, you may well lament your failure to stop me, but I do not want you to bear the guilt of having unwittingly aided me. You do not deserve that."

It took Twilight some seven seconds after Rite finished speaking before she realized her jaw was hanging open. "I... I don't?"

"No." Rite furrowed his brow. "I'm not certain how much Princess Celestia has told you about me. Indeed, I'm not even certain how she feels about me after I have reappeared after so long to stand in opposition to her. But I am not the crude, power-hungry rebel you likely imagined, and I hold your deeds to defend Equestria in the highest respect."

Twilight was still completely unbalanced by the outpouring of sympathy, but she decided that she once again had to take the offensive. "But you don't respect Princess Celestia? You seriously think she's done less for Equestria than I have?" she demanded.

Rite snorted, and his expression instantly shifted from apologetic to annoyed. "My quarrel with the White Princess is... greater than that, Princess Twilight. It is personal and philosophical. I don't doubt her benevolence, as far as it goes, but at the same time Celestia stands as the lynchpin of a despicable order that has enslaved our people for generations and threatens to doom us for countless future generations. Equestria must change, and the immortal Royal Sisters must be torn down from their pedestals so that a new order can be built up from their ruin."

He paused to clear his throat. "You, however, are not central to this decay. You are peripheral to it, no doubt, and assist it through your unblinking loyalty to the Princess of the Sun, but your role is incidental. You need not be removed or reduced for this cruel cycle to end." He shrugged. "It would not displease me at all, in fact, if you came to be a leader of the newly reborn government of Canterlot."

Again, Twilight had a hard time processing this admission. None of this made any sense to her. What was getting through, however, is that the stallion in front of her held no malice toward any innocent pony. Apparently he would give up an obvious advantage and even take a serious risk in order to ease his conscience.

That did not, however, absolve him of his main crime. "You can't do this, Blood Rite," she said firmly. "Think about all the ponies who rely on Princess Celestia every day for guidance and leadership! Think about the sun! You can't possibly depose her! You won't hurt me, but you'll cast all of them aside?"

"First of all, the matter of the sun will be dealt with at the time of Celestia's downfall." Rite stood taller now, and his voice was more confident. "This is, in fact, one of the reasons an artifact as powerful as the MacGuffin Stone was necessary. So long as the very sun is leashed to the White Princess, any plot to defeat her is pointless."

He snorted irritably, then continued. "On the matter of the other ponies, I need only harm those who stand in my way. I've no doubt they will be Legion; the Royal Guard will be no small impediment, and those noble souls do not deserve the harm that may soon befall them." His gaze hardened. "But they are ultimately implements of Celestia's power, not guardians of righteousness. Their loyalty is to the will of their mistress and not the greater good. I will dispatch them with a clear conscience."

"So then how am I any different?" Twilight asked, scowling. "You're going through an awful lot of trouble to keep me safe. If you're willing to kill Equestrian soldiers to complete your goals, why does absorbing me into the MacGuffin Stone bother you so much? I don't buy it!"

Rite took a step back, wincing. Twilight hadn't really expected her protests to sway the stallion, but it seems she had hit a soft spot.

"Well, you..." He trailed off and wet his lips. "You remind me... of myself, Princess Sparkle."

The lavender alicorn recoiled, and her muzzle scrunched up. "I... I mean... I admit that you're turning out to be a lot less evil than I thought, but I'm still uncomfortable with this comparison."

"You truly haven't been told much about me, then. You don't understand." Rite released a frustrated sigh, staring at the young mare. "It's complicated... and perhaps just a matter of wistful delusion on my part... but I can't help but think that I would have, perhaps, become just like you. If not for..."

Twilight slowly raised an eyebrow after he trailed off. "If not for... what?"

Rite shook his head. "Enough of this. It is time for you to go. I have much to do after you're gone. Without a Princess to power the MacGuffin Stone, I'll have to rely on another power source. Luckily, I happen to be standing on one."

Twilight glanced down at the stallion's hooves, but was uncertain as to what he meant. "What are you talking about? What are you going to do?"

"Let's just say that our beloved teacher has left other ancient enemies lying around in shabby prisons besides Discord." Rite smirked and chuckled ruefully. "I left Celestia's service with more than just a decade of premium magic instruction. I also managed to take with me quite a few forbidden records. Our White Princess has quite a collection of VERY interesting skeletons in her closet..."

"... So then this entire region is some kind of fancy prison for a dragon?"

Trixie furrowed her brow as she flipped to the next page with a flicker of pink magic.

"Not just any dragon... a dragon king? No, wait. Prince. I didn't know they had princes. Hmm..."

She skipped back to the table of contents, and then quickly rushed to the section regarding magical properties.

"Let's see... Kamikazan has a fire elemental affinity... Not surprising... But the Flamehearst was made by Princess Celestia... which means that it's an enormous construct for containing magic."

Trixie glanced over a clutch of notes stuck in-between the pages as bookmarkers. One of them listed numerous local environmental hazards, including miniature volcanic eruptions, geothermal vents, and cyclonic firestorms.

"Dangerous place to build a home. But also hard to get to, obviously... According to this, breaches in the region's seal lead to a unique mana flow. Very useful for sophisticated magic projects."

Trixie was intrigued, but she was increasingly aware that she hadn't come any closer to foiling Rite's plans or determining a way to do so. There was only so much time she could spend investigating incidental curiosities. She flipped to the next sheet of research notes that were stuck in the book to mark a given page. This section had a sketch of a fierce-looking fire dragon - the aforementioned Kamikazan, no doubt - along with a similar sketch of Celestia flying above its head in a battle pose.

The illustration was interesting, and no doubt the text explaining the encounter was thrilling, but Trixie was more interested in the notes. She unfolded the bookmark and begin looking over the calculations and diagrams scrawled on it.

"These are all related to the MacGuffin Stone. I remember seeing these calculations on the other notes. So that means... he's using the dragon?"

The silence in Swan Song's room was palpable.

Swan herself had curled up on top of her bed, and she pouted quietly while staring at her wall. She still wore her lingerie, but only because removing it now, in front of Ranma, would only serve to make the situation more ridiculously awkward. Swan would have demanded the pigtailed stallion leave her room, but frankly she was still reluctant to send him away. He still wanted to join up with Rite's rebellion, after all, and she had to reason that it was POSSIBLE he would eventually get over his birth species and agree to plow her.

Ranma was sitting on the floor in front of Swan's bed, his eyes staring straight forward at nothing. His thought process was rather more fragmented, not least because he was desperately restraining himself from hurling Swan Song out the window.

No. No way. It can't be true. It's not true! Not at all. Nope! This is just some dumb trick by Swan to try to get me to do perverted stuff with her. Heck, even if she ISN'T lying through her teeth, she might be wrong! Just because she's the big fancy magic expert who knows the spell she cast on me inside and out doesn't mean that she would know exactly what can and can't be GODDAMN IT I'M GOING TO BE A HORSE FOREVER!

His eyes suddenly snapped back into focus, and then fell to gaze upon Swan Song with furious intensity.

"Okay," he began, stopping to take a deep breath. His muscles seemed to almost tremble underneath his fur, like they were begging for release. "Swan Song, you said you 'can't' change me back. Don't you mean 'won't'?"

Swan snorted. "I meant can't. You're a pony now and forever. At least, as far as I can tell. I suppose you did change into a pegasus mare and back at some point, and I can't explain that."

Ranma's eye twitched. He COULD explain that, but didn't exactly feel inclined to do so. It also had nothing to do with the polymorph spell.

"Why NOT? Just cast the spell again, but set it to 'human!' Or... or how about 'monkey' at least? I could live with monkey! Give me my hands back, damn it!" Ranma stamped a hoof on the floor, his teeth clenched angrily.

Swan sighed. "So... back in Saddlebrook, I ran into Princess Sparkle," she mumbled, still facing away from her guest. "I was disguised at the time, and trying to misdirect her. While doing so, she told me something that I was not aware of, but which explains most of our battles against each other so far: you have some kind of magic allergy."

Ranma's eye twitched some more.

"I guess you didn't have it back in your ape form, but ever since I cast the polymorph spell and turned you into a pony, magic doesn't affect you normally. The time in the forest it caused a random teleport. The fight outside Saddlebrook it caused you to explode. And we caught enough of the fight against Princess Luna to see it in action again." She shrugged weakly. "If magic doesn't work right, then a counterspell or overriding polymorph won't work. I'd be more likely to reduce you to a literal pile of ashes than restore your species."

"WAIT!" Ranma shouted, startling the mare. "What about that other spell you cast? The weird one that launched a stone spike! Or those magic shots Rite used on me! I'm pretty sure those worked fine!"

"It's a different interaction model," Swan explained, rolling her eyes. "In those cases, the magic just creates the energy that shifts the stone, or creates the kinetic force. After that it's just simple energy and matter that just happened to come from magic, and it affects you exactly as you'd expect. Magic that interacts with your body directly clearly reacts differently."

"But that's not FAIR!" Ranma protested.

"Yeah, actually, that IS a really lousy special talent. You have terrible luck," the sorceress admitted, "but anyway, that's just how it is. So you may as well give up and bone me."

Ranma heard a sound like cracking glass. It was very strange, because the only glass in the room was the window, and it was still intact. For now. "NO! No, I'm not boning you! I'm NEVER going to bone you!"

Swan recoiled, and then scowled. "Well, then maybe I won't let you join our rebellion!"

"I don't want to join your stupid rebellion, you numbskull!" Ranma snarled. "I only played along THIS far so that I could get into your base! How dense are you?!"

Swan Song gasped, and her eyes went wide. Ranma reacted a moment later, slapping a hoof over his mouth.

"I... I, uh... I wasn't supposed to say that," the martial artist admitted, "I mean, not YET, anyway."

Swan scrambled to stand up on her bed again, and Ranma cringed when he saw tears forming in the mare's eyes. "You... You USED me? Really? Th-This was all just a ploy to get to Mister Rite?" Her voice shook as she spoke, threatening to break down into full-blown sobs.

"No! No, I didn't USE you!" Ranma protested.

There was a long pause after he finished speaking. Swan sniffled and wiped her muzzle with her leg, and Ranma squirmed uncomfortably.

"... Well, okay, fine, I definitely did use you," the stallion huffed, "but you started it."

"You mule!" Swan Song hissed through her tears. "How dare you betray a mare's sacred trust?!"

"I only agreed to go out with you because you said I had to!" Ranma retorted angrily. "Besides, you turned me into a horse! Why the hell would I want to date you?!"

"I was just defending myself!"

"And I'm just trying to save Sparks!"

"Princess Sparkle? Why? Are you two together?"

"NO! Would you get your head out of the gutter?!"

"Why would you want to save her if you aren't a couple and you don't care about Equestria?"

"It's a good guy thing, okay? You wouldn't get it." Ranma clicked his tongue and turned his head away. "ANYWAY, it doesn't matter. Trix's plan worked, I'm already here, and I'm not leaving until I've rescued Sparks and foiled your stupid kind-of-evil plot."

A crackling sound came from the bed, and Ranma snapped his gaze back to Swan Song. The unicorn was scowling angrily at him even while tears dribbled down her cheeks, and arcs of pulsing lightning curled around her horn.

"HEY. NO. STOP THAT," the martial artist bristled as the magical glow began to build. "You want to fight me here? Like this? Don't be stupid!"

"You think I care?!" Swan demanded angrily, her horn flashing yellow. She reared up, and the glow of magic started to expand rapidly. "If I can't have you, NOPONY WILL!!"

"Rite! Please! Don't do this!" Twilight pleaded.

"I'm sorry, Princess." Rite's horn glowed fiercely, and his magic seeped toward the lodestones in tendrils of misty white. "Goodbye."

"Wait! At least tell me what happened to you first!" Twilight's head whipped back and forth as each of the inscribed stones started powering up. "What did Princess Celestia do to you? Why were you expelled from our school? What are you trying to accomplish besides unseating her?"

Rite didn't answer. The spell continued to progress. Twilight fished around for more desperate questions, and then blurted out something that had been a minor curiosity of hers ever since she'd learned of the sorcerer.

"What is your cutie mark, anyway?"

Rite immediately flinched. The glow around his horn flickered, and he snapped his head around to look back at his rear legs.

They were, of course, covered by his omnipresent cloak. Neither was visible. He snapped his head back toward Twilight, his expression tightly controlled. "It's time for you to leave now." His horn flashed brighter.

When the explosion rattled the cave, Twilight at first thought it was part of Rite's spell; she had never experienced an arcane mechanism like this one. For all she knew the muted booming and local tremor was an ordinary and expected side-effect. It wasn't until Rite's horn dimmed and he stared up at the ceiling that she realized something was wrong.

"What in the blazes..." the sorcerer mumbled. Bits of stone were breaking free from above and dropping to the floor around him, and he briefly covered his face to shield it. "What's going on? Did that come from the tower?"

After a few seconds of thought, Rite had come up with several entirely plausible nightmare scenarios for why there would be explosions coming from within his home. Most of them involved Swan Song and his laboratory, although there were some that involved an enemy army and a wrathful alicorn storming his hideout.

"No, no, no, NO!" the stallion growled, turning away from Twilight completely. "What did that idiot do? I left her alone for ONE DAY! Blast it all!"

"Uh... is something wrong?" Twilight asked, her voice wavering between concern and hope. "Am I staying here, now? Or going back in the gem? Can I-"

"Please, stop," Rite grumbled. "I'll be back in a little bit. I have to go check and see if my intern is playing with my alchemical lab."

His horn started glowing, but rather than activating a teleport spell, it first took hold of the MacGuffin Stone. "I'll also be taking this with me, just in case you get any clever ideas while I'm gone." The artifact floated through the air and landed on his back, and then Rite cast his teleport spell.

In a flash of white light, the stallion was gone.

"Ow..."

Trixie slowly pushed herself up off the floor, shaking her head. Behind her, a bookcase lay face-down on the floor, having collapsed after the sudden detonation. Books were scattered all around her hooves, and several of them had struck her on the way down.

She took a quick look around to survey the damage. A portion of the floor had a smoldering hole in it, with stone shrapnel scattered around the library or embedded in various pieces of furniture. Trixie decided quickly that she had gotten off easy with the books. Several tables and benches had been knocked over as well, and one such workspace was rapidly corroding due to a beaker shattering and spilling its contents all over it.

"OW!! Geez! Are you trying to get us both killed?!" Ranma complained, his voice coming from the floor below.

"No! Just you!" Swan retorted. A crackling noise followed the mare's voice up through the breach in the structure. "You'll pay for tricking me!"

"Hey! No! You're going to-"

Trixie winced as another explosion sent a tremor through the tower. A flash of light poured through the hole in the floor, and a few more chunks of masonry tumbled from the edges.

"Trixie was really hoping Ranma could manage to make out with a mare for a few minutes without destroying anything," the magician groused, stepping away from the crater. She sighed. "Trixie should probably go help before this all unravels. At this rate, they could knock the entire tower over." She turned toward the stairs.

Before she could take even a single step toward the exit, a white light flashed in front of her. Blood Rite appeared before Trixie within the space of an eyeblink, blocking her passage to the stairs. Trixie froze stiff, her eyes bulging. Rite's gaze fixed on her immediately, narrowing dangerously.

"Uh... okay, Trixie is aware that this looks very suspicious. But Trixie is sure that we can talk this over like reasonable equine bei-"

A pulse of magical force slammed into the magician, and she squeaked in pain before being sent sprawling across the floor. Her hat flopped off her head in the process, and several notes spilled out from within the wizard's cap.

"I see you've taken an interest in my research, Miss Trixie," Rite said coldly as he approached. His horn shined with white light, and every few seconds Trixie could swear the magic aura briefly flickered to bright red.

Another explosion rocked the tower, and Rite stumbled briefly while the floor shuddered. Trixie was already grounded, and she swiftly reached out with her telekinesis to take hold of a chemical beaker that was still standing upright on an alchemy table. The beaker took off through the air, its momentum building into a high arch.

She wasn't fast enough. A lash of white lightning struck Trixie's horn, and she yelped. The beaker fell in an instant, shattering against the floor and spilling its inky blue contents uselessly.

"You're a clever little mare, but I'm afraid you don't quite live up to your own hype. 'Great and Powerful' indeed," Rite sneered, once more approaching the blue unicorn. "The trouble is, you've caught me at a very bad time. I can't afford to accommodate your imprisonment at this moment, yet I obviously can't let you run around my home blowing it up. I'm sorry, Miss Trixie, but I'm afraid this is the end for you."

Trixie cringed, curling up fearfully as the stallion's horn flashed brighter. The MacGuffin Stone, which was sitting on Rite's back, trembled in sympathy and started changing color as it synchronized its own residual energies with the pony. Currents of terrible power coalesced around Blood Rite, weaving into a single point of destruction over the sorcerer's head.

"Wait..." Rite's eyes suddenly turned away from Trixie, and his magic wavered. "That last explosion didn't come from you..."

"Knock it off! I'm serious! WHOA!!" Ranma's shout came from the stairwell, and Rite's eyes bugged out at the voice. A moment later the crack of an ice spell hitting a wall came from below.

"You think you can toy with my emotions and get away with it? Enemy of mares! DIE!!" screeched Swan Song, followed by another loud crackling noise.

Rite's eyebrow twitched while Trixie slowly pushed herself back up. "You're... not alone," the sorcerer said, his voice breaking into a near-whimper.

"Sorry, Mister Rite, but it's not Trixie who will be begging for mercy." Trixie calmly pushed the notes she had stolen back into her hat, and then flipped it up onto her head. There was no trace of the pony quivering in terror mere seconds ago, and Rite was honestly a bit impressed by how easily she masked her fear.

The stallion's gaze hardened again. He still had his spell ready, and an arrow of glimmering crimson hovered over his horn's tip. "Don't get cocky with me, showmare. What's to stop me from slaying you before dealing with Calamity?"

"Havoc," Trixie corrected.

"What? I thought his name was Calamity."

"It's Calamity when he's a mare. Havoc when he's a stallion."

"Why does he have a different name for different genders?"

"Plausible deniability. Easier to claim that they're different ponies when we need to."

"Huh. Okay, that makes sense." Rite rubbed at his chin while a booming noise came from the stairwell. "But then, which is his real name? He seemed perfectly intelligent when we first met him, so it stands to reason that-"

"INCOMING!!"

Ranma's shout startled Rite out of his musings, and the sorcerer whirled around. The martial artist galloped into the library, his tail and mane braids trailing smoke and his fur bearing several scorched patches. For all the residual magic damage, he seemed perfectly limber, however, as was evident when Rite released his attack spell.

A crimson arrow slashed through the air toward the gray stallion, who leapt over it and let it pass under his belly with mere centimeters to spare. A second arc of red magic slashed at Ranma once he landed, and he hit the ground hard in order to roll under the attack.

Ranma bounced back to his hooves in front of a stuttering Blood Rite. Then he slammed a hoof into the side of the sorcerer's head, flinging him into a bookcase and nearly knocking the entire thing over. Rite gasped and collapsed onto his side, and several large books tumbled out of place to fall on top of him.

"Trix! You gotta help me! Swan's gone totally nuts!" Ranma panted, skidding to a halt in front of his companion. Then he turned to stare pensively at the stairs.

Trixie frowned. She glanced at Blood Rite, and then back up at Ranma. "So? Just do to her what you just did to him."

"I would! But... uh..." Ranma's ears flipped down nervously. "I actually do feel kind of bad for lying to her and stuff. I don't think I can just beat her like this."

"UGH. You're ridiculous," Trixie scoffed.

The aforementioned sorceress finally ran into the lab after her target, only to stumble to a halt upon seeing the other mare next to Ranma. Like Ranma, she bore some damage from her magic assault, and her socks were all but shredded around her legs and hooves.

"YOU! You're here, too?! How did you get in?!" Swan Song demanded.

"With cunning, persistence, and the unwitting aid of a credulous moron," Trixie answered, smirking.

Ranma looked back and forth between the mares uneasily. "Wait, so... did you mean me or her? Am I the moron? I'm the one who let you in." Trixie slapped a hoof over her face and groaned.

Swan Song gasped when she took in more of the scene. "Mister Rite! What happened? Why are you up here?" Then she gasped again and pointed a leg at the floor. "The MacGuffin Stone! They have the MacGuffin Stone!"

Ranma and Trixie looked down, noting that the coveted relic was now laying on the floor between them.

"Oh, hey. She's right. Didn't even notice," Ranma mumbled. "Does that mean we win?"

Trixie levitated the gem up in front of her. "Not quite. We still have to get Princess Sparkle out of it. Trixie can probably manage that on her own, so-"

"WAIT!" Rite shouted, painfully pushing himself upright. "Are you here for the Princess, or the Stone?"

"Mainly for Sparks, but I'll take the magic rock, too," Ranma shrugged. "Not that I can do much with it, but at this point I really just want to spite you as much as possible."

"Seconded, with the addition that Trixie is also SLIGHTLY concerned for the integrity of the Equestrian state," Trixie added.

Rite shook his head. "Then I'm afraid I still have you at a disadvantage, Havoc!"

Ranma groaned at hearing his pony nickname. "Triiiix! Would you stop telling everyone my fake name?"

"That's a fake name?" Swan blinked. "So Calamity is your name for both forms?"

"Oh, don't listen to him. Trust Trixie, his real name is terrible."

"SILENCE!!" Rite screamed, causing the other ponies to flinch away. After taking several difficult, ragged breaths, the sorcerer glared at Ranma. "Whatever your name is, listen to me now: Princess Twilight Sparkle is not in the Stone."

Ranma recoiled in surprised, and then turned to stare at the gemstone. Trixie frowned disapprovingly at the object.

"She is currently trapped somewhere out of your reach. You cannot get to her, and if you dispatch me then she will eventually perish in her prison." Rite grimaced darkly, pointing a foreleg at the MacGuffin Stone. "If you agree to give me the artifact and leave peacefully, then I will give you Princess Sparkle unharmed. There will be no more fighting, and I will make no further demands." He set his jaw, trying to contain his bitterness at having to make such a bargain. "Do you agree?"

Ranma looked at Trixie. Trixie cocked her head to the side, looking thoughtful. "Give me and my sidekick a moment to review our options and discuss this," she said, gesturing toward an alcove in the far corner of the room. Without waiting for a response, Trixie turned around and galloped away, the MacGuffin Stone bobbing along through the air next to her.

"Trix, what did I tell you about that? I am NOT a sidekick!" Ranma griped, chasing after her.

Blood Rite sighed heavily as the intruders turned behind a bookcase wall that shielded the alcove from view. He didn't have especially high hopes for them reaching a fair agreement, but he'd much rather have to challenge Trixie's wit than Ranma's hooves. To say nothing of watching his home crumble around him under the weight of magical bombardment.

As that thought crossed his mind, Rite turned a withering gaze on Swan Song. The sorceress cringed away instantly, her ears pinning back against her head.

"Miss Song, would you happen to have any idea how the ape and the weakling bard holding his leash have made it into the Flamehearst and somehow infiltrated my tower?" he growled. "How did they find us? How did they get past all my traps? I heard you shouting about him 'toying with' your emotions. And then you chase him upstairs while wearing erotic lingerie. Please, explain."

Rite was expecting an embarrassed apology, or perhaps a meek explanation. Instead, to his alarm, the mare bristled and suddenly stood up straight again.

"That's right! I almost forgot what the sorry mule did to me!" Swan Song snarled. Her horn started sparking again, and Rite felt his fur stand on end from the residual electric charge. "I can't let him get away!"

"Yes! Yes you can!" Rite insisted, galloping in front of the irate sorceress. "What the hay has gotten into you, Swan Song?!"

"More like what HASN'T gotten into me!" she snapped.

"Please, just once, spare me your banal innuendo!" the stallion snapped back. "We are at a crucial point in our quest, our foes are dangerously close to foiling us, and you're upset that our enemy won't RUT you?"

"I'm UPSET that he lied to me!" Swan stepped forward so that she was nose-to-nose and horn-to-horn with Rite, and he felt a hot tingle race down his spine from the contact. "He took advantage of my feelings in order to get into the tower, and then rejected me as soon as he didn't need me anymore!"

"So THAT'S how he got in!" Rite snarled, suddenly pushing back on his intern. "You IMBECILE! You actually led him straight to me?!"

Swan began to falter, the glow around her horn waning. "W-Well... I... I didn't-"

"He DOESN'T LIKE YOU, IDIOT! You effectively ruined his life and cursed him with an alien body, perhaps irreversibly! He HATES you, and with perfectly good reason!" Blood Rite shouted, his own horn pulsing. "Why is that so challenging a concept for someone who mastered elemental hexology at age ten?!"

Swan shrunk further under the stallion's glare and fixed her eyes on a point on the floor in front of her. "... Sometimes I get lonely..." she mumbled.

"LONELY," Rite repeated, his anger palpable. "We stand on the verge of reordering the mechanisms of the very stars and unseating the royal order that has reigned over equine society for more than a millennium. But you got LONELY, so you went out to find a coltfriend. And you chose the only stallion in the country who has been absolutely determined to ruin us before he even knew our names!"

"It didn't happen like THAT," Swan groaned weakly. "Although it does sound kind of dumb now that you're laying it all out like this." Then her ears snapped up again. "But that's why I'm mad, Mister Rite! That pigtailed jerk totally manipulated me! And he didn't even have the decency to go all the way before he revealed that it was all a trick!"

A vein pulsed on Rite's head.

"Bad enough that he lied to me and took advantage of my feelings, but the least he could do if he was just going to turn on me is first give me a good, solid-"

"THAT. IS. IT." Blood Rite's voice hissed through clenched teeth, and he stepped back. "Swan Song, I have tolerated your ineptitude and fickle loyalty long enough."

"What? Wait, Mister Ri-"

The sorceress began to protest, but Rite spoke right over her. "If you are so enamored with the stallion as to endanger our cause, then I shall give you free reign to pursue him as you wish. When and if the intruders leave this tower, you will go with them. You are hereby dismissed from my service, permanently and irrevocably!"

"No! Please, Mister Rite, reconsid-"

Again she was cut off by the crimson stallion as Rite sneered. "I did reconsider, Miss Song. After the FIRST TIME you endangered our plans for the sake of your love life. But now that you may have dashed my hopes entirely, I am cutting my losses. GET OUT OF MY WIZARD TOWER."

Swan Song recoiled, and her expression darkened. Her head slumped down to stare at the floor, and her ears flattened against the side of her head. Rite stared down at her coldly, unmoved.

"... Fine," she mumbled, "then let's finish this."

"Finish this? Finish what?" Rite asked irritably. "If this is about my plan, I'll try to salvage what's left, no thanks to you."

Swan snapped her head up, and her horn pulsed yellow. Her eyes were swallowed by light, and a thin current of magical energy ran over the floor and touched Rite's legs.

Rite took a step back from the sensation, feeling his contempt slowly bleed away in favor of alarm. "Miss Song? What are you doing?"

"If I'm not serving you anymore, then I don't need to hold back," the sorceress snarled. The glow of her horn expanded over her body, covering her in a bright yellow aura.

"No. Stop. That's not true," Rite protested, suddenly quite concerned at the amount of magical energy coalescing around his former intern. "I think it's the other way around, really. Now you can pursue Havoc without restraint!"

Another mana pulse blasted past the stallion, setting his magic senses on fire. Swan started to float above the floor, and loose bits of debris trembled from proximity to her. Her cutie mark began to glow.

"You all think you can use me and then brush me off when you don't need me any more..." Swan's voice was dark and sullen, but it boomed throughout the library in a way far more unsettling than an angry shout. "You stallions are all the same..." An otherworldly gale whipped up around the mare, swirling about the currents of ethereal power.

"No! No, I am NOT the same! My actions and reasoning are completely different from Havoc's! What the hay is wrong with you?!" Blood Rite launched an energy bolt at Swan, aiming to disable her horn. The bolt of white energy barely made it halfway before it collapsed into glittering points of light and was sucked up into the vortex of mana. "Stop it, Swan Song! You're going to destroy everypony!"

The light intensified to the point that Rite could barely make out the form of the mare within the building nexus of magical power. A grim, bitter chuckle filled the room.

"This is the last gambit: APOCRYPHA MELODY!"

"Okay, so here's what Trixie's thinking..." Trixie leaned in close to Ranma, whispering into the stallion's ear. "Trixie believes Rite's telling the truth about Sparkle not being in the gem; its power seems a little weak. That does mean Princess Purple is probably trapped somewhere we can't get to. But Trixie is pretty sure Rite is overplaying his hoof REALLY badly right now. We take him down, lead the Equestrian forces here, and they'll take this place apart. The other Princesses will find Sparkle even if we can't."

Trixie looked away, chewing on her lip. "Obviously, Trixie will have to manage that aspect herself, since you're in deeper trouble with the military than ever. Trixie was REALLY hoping to have Sparkle's help in sorting that out... is it just Trixie, or does it seem like circumstances always conspire to prevent you from clearing your name?"

Ranma opened his mouth to speak, but Trixie simply raised a hoof to his jaw and pushed it closed. "Rhetorical question. Now, let's talk strategy. Trixie has the MacGuffin Stone, and can probably manage the spell detailed in the notes where it sucks up a target to use as a power source. It's a convenient way to neutralize a pony and trap them for later. We'll also have the element of surprise, even after getting caught. The problem is, should we use it on Rite or Song?"

Trixie started pacing in a short line in front of Ranma, making sure to keep her voice low. "Rite is obviously the big prize, and the main pony we need to give over to the authorities. But apparently you have a problem fighting Swan Song. Are you going to be able to handle this?" She rounded on the martial artist, her eyes narrowed into slits.

"I didn't do it with her!" Ranma blurted out.

A long, awkward silence descended between the two ponies. Outside the alcove, they could hear Blood Rite shouting something, but neither of them were paying attention.

"... What?" Trixie eventually asked.

"I never touched Swan Song, I swear!" Ranma explained.

Trixie stared at the stallion incredulously. "And... you're telling Trixie this... why?"

Ranma blinked. "Um... force of habit, I guess. You're not mad?"

"Of course Trixie is mad! Trixie is mad about your wimping out on your part of the plan, which was seducing Swan Song! You're defending the wrong thing!" the magician growled.

More shouting came from the library and was completely ignored by the two infiltrators.

"Okay, hold on... you're upset that I DIDN'T do anything to Swan Song?" Ranma asked, perplexed.

"Of course Trixie is! That was the plan, remember? Why are you surprised?" Trixie snapped.

The martial artist frowned, rubbing his hoof against his chin. "Well, you're right, but I'm used to girls getting mad anyway. I just wanted to make sure you knew so that you're mad about the right thing."

"You humans sure are neurotic," Trixie deadpanned.

"Oh, don't get me STARTED!" Ranma agreed.

A sudden wave of mana surged over the pair of ponies.

The energies were utterly invisible and silent, but both Ranma and Trixie flinched as if they had been slapped. Ranma felt like a live electric cable had been touched to his spine, while Trixie's horn started sparking of its own accord.

"Uh, Trix?" Ranma mumbled apprehensively, stepping away from the bookcase behind him. The shelves completely cut off his line of sight to the source of magic power, but such an intense energy surge was as visible to his senses as any bonfire would be.

"This is... not good," Trixie mumbled, her voice rising to a fearful squeak as a nigh-unfathomable river of magic power swept into the apex of a single spell. She had never been present when the Princesses of the sun and moon performed their daily duties of managing massive stellar objects, but she imagined that only spells of those magnitude would draw such an impressive charge.

Swan's voice, long ignored by the two scheming equines, came from the entrance to the library.

"This is the last gambit: APOCRYPHA MELODY!"

For a few precious seconds, all was still.

Rite's tower stood tall and proud above the landscape of jagged obsidian, yellow light pouring from its windows like the beams of a lighthouse. The hot winds that normally swirled around the fortification vanished, and the embers that regularly sputtered from around the foundation faded to nothing.

Then a lance of pure light blasted upward, splitting the tower in half.

The two halves started leaning away from each other, relatively intact, but the whirlwind of destruction sundered the stone before gravity could do the job itself. Each floor ripped free of the next one, floating and spinning wildly in the air while crumbling apart.

The top floors of the tower, which held numerous arcane artifacts of considerable magic power, exploded like a rocket. The halves of the tower roof were send flying into the air on sparkling jets of flame, spiraling upward into the clouds.

As the tower itself disintegrated, the pillar of destructive magic surged back down, splitting apart the foundation. A shock wave broke out across the surface, shattering rock outcroppings and causing sudden eruptions from the many flaming surface vents.

Eventually, the magic waned. The remains of the tower, now crushed and blasted to debris, started to rain back down. Smoke from the numerous disturbed vents vomited into the air around the tower foundation, blackening the sky above the ruin.

Far above the devastation, a glittering bubble of magic hung in the air, falling slowly among the shower of rubble and flame.

Blood Rite stood inside that bubble, his expression twisted halfway between fury and abject sorrow. The barrier protected him entirely; small flashes came from impacts with falling stone, while it also provided ample resistance to the relentless grip of gravity. It had even withstood the intense power of Swan Song's ultimate spell at point-blank range. It had undoubtedly saved his life.

But it was too little, too late.

"My tower... my home... my research..." the sorcerer moaned. He continued to float lower toward the ground, and a loud hum came from his shield as a chunk of masonry almost as big as he was bounced off of it. He hardly seemed to notice. "Everything... it's all gone... all... all because of..."

He clenched his teeth, his lips peeling back in an angry snarl. While he had plenty of disdain for Swan Song, the direct cause of this devastation, blaming the mare for being tricked and lashing out felt wrong, somehow. He knew his intern well, and now that he had the benefit of hindsight, her reaction was entirely predictable. While she had been the mechanism of this scenario, she was not the major focus of his ire.

"Havoc..." Rite's eyes briefly flashed red as he spat the name angrily. From the very beginning, that damned ape had interfered with and casually foiled his careful plans. The bizarre creature-turned-pony was an unpredictable element, resourceful and nigh-unstoppable. He possessed skills that defied even an accomplished sorcerer, the strength to dispatch great warriors with ease, a bizarre and badly flawed magic defense, and apparently even a separate identity to fool his enemies. Trixie thought herself a clever pony to lead the stallion around by the nose, and Swan Song had fallen for an utterly banal ruse in leading him to the tower, but Rite had little care for the tiresome mares. Havoc was the instrument of his plan's undoing, always managing to find himself in the wrong place at the right time.

Rite closed his eyes, and his thoughts turned to the MacGuffin Stone. The obtrusive light appeared in his mind's eye, directing him toward a particular bit of wall laying atop a pile of shattered furniture, shredded books, and crushed obsidian. The bubble touched the ground, and the barrier shimmered before finally fading away.

"So much time... so much work... entire years of effort, gone in a flash of spiteful rage," Rite said sadly while his horn glowed. His magic formed a series of long poles in the air, and then they solidified into hard, red metal. The bars darted toward the wall like hurled javelins, sticking themselves into crevices underneath the mass of stone. Rite’s horn powered up even further, and his telekinesis started to press down on the ends of the summoned levers. The stone started shifting.

Then the wall suddenly jolted upward. The levers slipped out of place, scattering into the air, and Rite yelped and jumped backward in surprise.

“Hrrrrrrgh…” The edge of the shattered wall rose a few feet higher while something grunted from underneath it. Rite was alarmed at first, but then his eyes narrowed angrily.

Of course… as if something like this would truly be enough to destroy that monster!

“HRRAAAAAUGH!” The wall suddenly jolted upward, cracking through the middle and coming apart from a blow underneath it. Several chunks of debris broke loose and flew toward Blood Rite, but the sorcerer just scowled. His horn flashed with power, and he vanished from sight.

Ranma gasped for breath as the largest mass of stone fell away. His chest heaved from the exertion, blood trickled down the side of his head, and his back and shoulders ached from the bruising impacts of flying debris.

None of that mattered in the least to the martial artist. He banished his pain from his mind and turned his gaze down at the blue, curled-up body lying between his legs and sheltering beneath his body. Despite his being short of breath already, his heart seized up at the sight.

Then Trixie started coughing, and Ranma felt like fainting on the spot. “Trix! Trix, you’re okay!” The man-turned-pony desperately held back tears of joy at seeing the mare move.

“Ugh… you have a stupidly broad definition of ‘okay’,” Trixie groused. Her eyes were still squeezed shut, and her hat was clutched tightly under her forelegs. She hurt all over, but the aches were easily within the realm of minor damage. Somehow, despite the catastrophic destruction that had engulfed her, she hadn’t even broken anything.

“Are you hurt? Bleeding?” Ranma started glancing back and forth at the rubble. “I see some curtains or something over there. If you need a band-“

“Trixie needs you to FOCUS,” the magician hissed. She finally cracked her eye open, staring up at the concerned face of her protector. “Where’s the MacGuffin Stone?”

“Right here.” Ranma raised his rear right leg. The ancient gemstone gleamed, somehow looking perfectly clean and polished despite the dust all around them.

“Okay. Good! Then we’re still winning, technically,” Trixie wheezed. “Where are the bad guys?”

Ranma’s ears perked up, and he tilted his head to one side. Seconds passed in silence, disturbed only by Trixie’s heavy breathing and the crackling of nearby fires.

Suddenly, Ranma moved. He reached a hoof toward a chunk of debris and tossed it to the side.

A sizzling yellow energy bolt slammed into the loose rock and exploded, blasting the rubble apart. It burst into a small cloud of dust on impact, but quickly cleared so that Ranma and Trixie could see their attacker standing several meters away.

“Blood Rite,” Ranma said irritably, as if the sorcerer’s assault was just an unwanted interruption. “Still in one piece, huh? Still feel like trading Sparks for the magic rock?”

Rite scowled angrily. “No. No, I do not. I have fallen too far to accept any further losses, Havoc.” He lowered his head, and his pure white aura surrounded his horn. “I don’t know if I can defeat you. I don’t understand you or your abilities. But events have conspired to rob me of all other options. I have nothing more to lose. Only one stallion will be leaving Flamehearst alive today!”

Rite’s horn pulsed. Ranma’s muscles tightened, and a thin aura of blue appeared around his body.

“Question!” Trixie interjected as she stood up. “Did Swan Song survive her ultimate all-or-nothing spell? Is she buried somewhere around here?”

Rite snorted. “Who cares?”

“Point taken.” Trixie picked up the MacGuffin Stone with her levitation, then started backing away from the battle. “Anyway, Trixie is just going to take the opportunity to get some distance, and then you gentlecolts can go ahead and-“

Blood Rite reared back, growling incoherently as his horn flashed even brighter. Ranma squinted against the light, ready to dodge but concerned that Trixie would be the target of the coming spell.

The ground shook, and a breach opened up behind Rite, cracking through the black stone. A jet of lava sprayed into the air, arcing over the sorcerer while spitting a thick plume of dark smoke upward.

“Geez, look out!” Ranma shouted while his body trembled from the quake. “He’s going to tear this whole place apart! Again!”

After checking that Trixie was making slow but steady progress on escaping, the martial artist looked back up at Rite. To his surprise, the other stallion was stumbling to the side to get away from the lava eruption rather than casting more magic.

“Having a little trouble there, pal? You should be more careful!” Ranma taunted, jumping up atop a broken support that was sticking out the rubble at an angle.

Rite looked back and forth, an expression of abject dread crossing his face. “No! That wasn’t me! Swan Song, you IDIOT! She woke him up! She actually managed to wake him up!”

Ranma hesitated, wondering if this was some sort of trick on the part of the sorcerer. Then another tremor ripped through the ground, nearly knocking him from his perch.

More jets of lava blasted up from the ground, spitting fire, smoke, and scorched earth into the sky. The discharges started cutting a line across the ground, exploding through the scattered rubble and opening up a thick fault where Rite’s tower had once stood.

Ranma managed to cling to the support post he was perched on, and he watched in amazement and confusion as the gap started to yawn wider and wider. He could see Blood Rite on the opposite side of the fault line, now running away from the breach in earnest. He decided then and there that the other stallion hadn’t been lying about the cause of this disturbance.

That said, Ranma didn’t know what to make of Rite’s excuse, either. Who was he referring to? Why were they asleep? Why did they prompt earthquakes and volcanic eruptions when they woke up?

“AT LAST…” a voice boomed from within the smoldering crevice. “THE PRISON HAS BEEN BREACHED…”

A sharp hissing noise came repeatedly from the fault line, sounding vaguely like embittered laughter. The tremors periodically surged against and again, and the rocks below continued to creak and crack.

Two large, shining lights emerged from within the darkness. They were bright green, like glittering emeralds within the hot gloom of the crevasse. A thin, black wedge cut through each of them, forming a reptilian pupil that rapidly shifted back and forth.

“Uhm…” Ranma stared down at the giant, glowing eyes, generally feeling like he was ill-equipped to act as the first person to contact… whatever it was that was now being freed from the deepest, darkest confines of this alien planet. This was far from the first time he was the closest person around when ancient evils were suddenly released from faulty magic prisons, but experience had definitely not served him well in dealing with it. “I… come in… peace?”

As the fault line exploded beneath him, Ranma had to write this first encounter off as another failure of diplomacy.

“YES! YESSSS!! FREEDOM!”

Rubble was thrown into the air in ever-increasing quantities as a body ripped up from the breach, shouldering its way free of the crushed stone and blasts of heat. Thick, curved talons reached up and dug into hard stone, and two enormous wings covered in thick red scales shot upward above the smoke.

The wings swept down, blasting away much of the obscuring cloud. A giant red dragon pulled itself free of the last bits and pieces of its crude prison, laying claws upon the surface for the first time in centuries. It was the size of a small building with thick, metallic scales on its back and sides colored a fire-engine red with stripes of jet black laid across its spine from neck to tail, along with an underbelly of pale yellow. Its head was snake-like – aside from being the size of a car – with a long, flat jaw and thick fangs that rested outside its lips.

“KAMIKAZAN HAS RISEN ONCE MORE!! THE KING OF THE DRAGONS SHALL RETAKE HIS THRONE, AND ONCE AGAIN, THIS PITIFUL WORLD WILL FEAR THE WRATH OF THE SERPENT LORDS!!” A furious roar erupted from the dragon’s throat, and multiple blasts of lava shot up from the ground around the fault line.

“Whoa! Hey! If you’re the one causing all the fire to shoot up, could you knock it off? You’re going to hurt somebody!”

Kamikazan narrowed his eyes, and then swung his head down to the voice that had spoken to him.

Ranma was still clinging to the broken support beam jutting out of a pile of rubble, and after several seconds of Kamikazan staring at him, he hesitantly waved a hoof at the enormous serpent. “Hi. I’m Saotome Ranma. Sorry about all this.”

“Yowch! Yowch! Hot!” Trixie yelped in pain as small, smoldering pebbles bounced off her back and rear. None of the rubble falling around her was large enough to do any serious harm to a pony, but she was in bad enough shape as it was. Her cape was nothing more than a shredded memory, and she was now using her hat as a pouch to hold the MacGuffin Stone as well as all the research she had stolen about said artifact, which precluded its use as a shield.

“This is ridiculous! An infiltration turned into a showdown turned into a catastrophic explosion turned into… into whatever this is now!” Trixie complained, almost tripping on a wedge of hot obsidian that stuck out in her path. “What’s even going on?”

She stopped in her path once she spotted the lodestone that Blood Rite used to teleport long distances. It was a few minutes away, and as far as she could tell there were no obstacles in her path. She could escape easily.

But then Ranma couldn’t. He’d be trapped here. Trapped here with…

“KAMIKAZAN HAS RISEN ONCE MORE!! THE KING OF THE DRAGONS SHALL RETAKE HIS THRONE, AND ONCE AGAIN, THIS PITIFUL WORLD WILL FEAR THE WRATH OF THE SERPENT LORDS!!”

“Oh, this is just perfect,” Trixie groaned, slapping a hoof over her face. Of COURSE this would end with the sleeping monster under Rite’s tower emerging from its long imprisonment. And Ranma was probably going to try to fight it now, because what else is he going to do with a giant monster?

“So what is Trixie supposed to do?!” the magician yelled, stamping her hoof on the ground. “Go help him so that there are TWO, possibly THREE unmarked graves out in the middle of bucking nowhere? Escape and leave him to get himself killed? Hay, if Trixie leaves, then he could even win and then just die of his injuries or something! It’s not like Trixie can lead the Royal Guard out here to save him! This. Is. So. STUPID!”

Then she gasped. “And what about Princess Sparkle? That purple dweeb was more or less the only reason we’re here in the first place! What even happened to her?!”

“Uuuunnnngh…”

Trixie flinched as she heard an agonized groan from behind her. She whipped around on the spot, her horn already glowing in case she needed to defend herself.

She clearly didn’t. The source of the noise was a dusty, battered pony mostly buried beneath a chunk of scorched furniture and loose stone. When Trixie spotted the pony’s horn she thought she had found Swan Song, but then she noticed several tarnished feathers nearby.

“… Okay, fine. This situation is now less impossibly vexing and now somewhat convenient,” Trixie admitted aloud. She crept up to the injured pony, and then blew into her face. A puff of ash came away with her breath, revealing the purple fur underneath and confirming her identity. Twilight Sparkle flinched slightly in response, and then released another incoherent groan.

“And naturally, Trixie has to do the rescuing part of this mission too,” the magician huffed while her horn lit up. “While Trixie is glad that saving her is Ranma’s absolute first priority – and that he’s actually good at that part – he could help out a LITTLE with the other aspects of this job! Sheesh!”

Ranma stared up at the massive red dragon.

The dragon stared down at him, eyes narrowed.

“So… Kamikazan? Was that your name? That means ‘Volcano God’ in my language. Kinda cool!” Ranma chuckled.

Kamikazan did not laugh. “Equine. Are you the creature that freed me from my slumber?”

“No. Well, not really. I was kind of involved, but I didn’t know about you or anything. Maybe by acci-“

“SILENCE, pony,” Kamikazan snarled. Ranma frowned, but stopped talking.

The dragon twisted his head about, scanning his surroundings and sniffing the air. “It has been some time since my imprisonment…” He squinted at the sun, as if judging it. “I see that the Princess of the Sun still breathes. Unless another has taken the reigns of the world’s star?” Kamikazan looked down at Ranma, and his pointed tongue darted out from between his teeth.

Ranma grimaced. “Can’t really help you with that one. I’m not the guy you want to talk to if you want to figure out how the sun works around here.”

Kamikazan snorted, blasting clouds of glittering embers from his nostrils. “I see. Then you will have to find some other way to serve your master, equine.”

This got a more substantial reaction from the stallion. “My master? Who made you my master, lizard?” he asked angrily.

A deep, throaty growl came from the self-described “King.” “The weakling races serve the mighty immortals. As it was in ancient times, so it shall be again. Or do you wish to serve the mighty Kamikazan as feed after my long rest?” His tongue whipped out and ran along his lips, and a few thick droplets of saliva oozed down the dragon’s exposed fangs.

“I’m not ‘serving’ you at all!” Ranma snapped. “Heck, the only reason I’m still around is because I’m not sure what to do with you yet. That, and I haven’t found Sparks. Have you seen her? Purple pony, horns and wings? Total nerd? If you talked to her, you’d know.”

Kamikazan snapped his jaws at the martial artist. “I have heard enough from you, equine! I will not suffer such indignity when I have finally been freed from my prison!”

The mighty dragon opened his jaws and lunged forward. Ranma jumped up off his perch, letting the serpent’s head dart underneath him. Then he twisted into a kick that struck Kamikazan in the eye.

“HRAAAAAAUGH!!” Kamikazan recoiled in pain, and Ranma kicked off of his face and backflipped to land right back where he started.

“MY EYE!! BURNING BRIMSTONE, YOU HIT ME IN THE EYE!! What are you doing, you insolent mammal?! Why did you do that?!” Kamikazan clutched at the side of his face with one claw, gasping in pain.

Ranma arched an eyebrow at the question. “Why? You just tried to eat me.”

“Of course I did! That doesn’t give you the right to hit me!” the dragon roared.

“… Yes, it does,” Ranma countered.

Kamikazan quivered in rage, and puffs of fire blasted from between his teeth. Ranma tensed, leaning to one side in preparation to leap out of the way.

“I don’t have to put up with this! I’m a King! Dragon royalty!” The fire drake started pounding his claws on the ground, unsettling the support beam Ranma was standing on. He didn’t make any move to attack the pigtailed stallion, however, and even seemed to be shifting away.

The martial artist was more disturbed by the dragon’s attitude than his pounding. He’d met many petulant royal imbeciles in his time, but watching a fifty-ton monster of legend throw a cowardly temper tantrum was a novel experience even by his standards.

“Look, did you see Sparks or not? Because if not, then we’re both wasting our time here,” Ranma grumbled.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Go away!” Kamikazan snarled.

“YOU go away!” Ranma snapped back.

“I’m a KING!” the dragon roared.

“I don’t CARE!” Ranma shouted.

For a moment, stallion and dragon stared angrily at each other, as if locked in a battle of intimidating glowering. Kamikazan shifted his pose, rearing up and snarling. His teeth and claws were bared, and his wings spread out as if he was preparing to launch into the air. Ranma couldn’t exactly do much to make his small equine body look more threatening, but he held his pose firmly even as the dragon’s oven-hot breath washed over him.

All was still. Neither of them moved. Seconds stretched into a minute, and then two.

Then, finally, an irritated voice broke the tension.

“Hey! Are you two fighting, or what?”

Ranma jumped slightly, and then looked behind him. Trixie was standing some distance away, and to his absolute delight, the unicorn had a dirty purple body slung over her back.

“Trix! You found Sparks!”

“Yes, Trixie found the Princess! And unburied her, and treated her bleeding! All while you were… doing… whatever this is!” Trixie glared at Ranma, then over to the giant red dragon. “Seriously, are you two fighting? Chatting? Posing? Regardless, you’re wasting Trixie’s time!

Ranma winced. “Sorry! I’ll be down in a sec!” Then he looked up at Kamikazan. “So, we’re done here, right? Or do I have to sock you in the face again?”

The fire drake suddenly backed away, his heavy footsteps shattering the uneven ground beneath him. He was quite unnerved that this first pony had stood up to him without fear, but seeing a second pony arrive and then order the first one around like an aggrieved spouse convinced him that these equines weren’t worth the trouble of dominating. “Feh! I have decided to spare you pathetic creatures after all! In my current mood, freed from countless years of imprisonment, I am feeling especially-“

“Get out of here!” Trixie snapped. Ranma glared sharply at the dragon and shifted so that it looked like he was going to jump.

Kamikazan bolted into the air, his heavy wings beating hard enough to unsettle some of the smaller rocks around the ponies. The dragon muttered curses and complaints as he soared away, but the words were lost in the speed of his escape. Within moments, the royal serpent’s tail vanished behind the great clouds of ash that hovered over the region, and the sound of his wings fell out of earshot.

“Well, that was a little anticlimactic,” Ranma mumbled as he dropped down next to Trixie. “No final fight for the Princess, no showdown with the sorcerers, and the giant monster summoned from nowhere turned out to be a huge wimp.”

“Yes, how tragic that we were spared another desperate fight for our lives,” Trixie drawled, “now get over here and take Princess Geek. Trixie is halfway to a hernia already!”

Ranma walked up next to her and crouched down, and Trixie tilted to the side to slide Twilight Sparkle onto his back. The alicorn grunted weakly from the movement, but didn’t wake up.

“Trixie would have THOUGHT that the transition from unicorn to alicorn would cause one to lose a few pounds! You know, in order to fly? Clearly not the case! Trixie must assume there’s heavy magical involvement in getting her fat butt into the air!”

Ranma waited until her latest round of griping ended before speaking up. “So, are we leaving now?”

“Yes! Of course we’re leaving! Trixie has had enough of this!” The unicorn started trotting away in the direction of the warp lodestone.

“Okay, so… what about Blood Rite? Or Swan Song? What’s going to happen to them?”

“Trixie doesn’t care.”

Ranma bobbed his head in agreement while following the unicorn through the shredded terrain. “Right. Gotcha. It’s just… I thought we were doing this thing now where we don’t leave loose ends so that problems don’t come up later.”

Trixie twisted her head around to glare at the martial artist. He stared back innocently.

“… Let’s just say Trixie is coming to understand how it is that you’re constantly being hounded by your past errors,” the unicorn sighed, shifting her hat over her head. “At first Trixie had assumed it was just your atrocious ignorance and habitual neglect that caused you to keep making enemies and disturbing the peace wherever you went. Trixie is now certain that she was wrong. Mostly.”

“Mostly not my fault! Yes!” Ranma cheered, stopping to pump a foreleg. Then he rushed to catch up to Trixie again. “So, if I’m not the problem, what IS the problem?”

“Trixie is fairly convinced by now that the entire universe as we know it is trying to destroy you.”

Ranma didn’t respond to that right away, mulling it over while they traveled. After Trixie stopped in front of the lodestone, he suddenly grinned.

“So, if I’m not dead yet, then that means I’m winning, right?”

“Yes, you are. Trixie is reluctantly impressed,” the magician mumbled. Then her horn flashed. “Now hush. We’re almost done with this debacle…”

“Here it is, then. The path that will lead us to the end of this debacle, at last,” Princess Celestia declared.

She and Luna were standing at the vanguard of a small army of ponies, all waiting at attention before a glowing lodestone. The Princess of the Night was probing the warp structure with her magic, testing its runic formula carefully. Numerous unicorn guards watched with intense interest, while a Royal Mage jotted down notes. Pegasi circled above the clearing on scout patrols, and earth ponies formed walls of spears in case of any threats waiting amongst the trees.

“Simply remarkable. I haven’t seen such a magical device since before my imprisonment,” Luna remarked while her horn pulsed.

The mage nodded in agreement. “We never would have even found it without your help, Princesses! This rebel character knows his stuff. Such a pity that he turned traitor!”

Celestia’s eyebrow twitched. “Yes… a great pity…”

Luna backed away from the construct, and then rubbed her chin with a hoof. “It seems there is a security enchantment of no meager complexity around the main runic patterns. I cannot remove it without destroying the construct. This device requires a password.”

Numerous ponies started mumbling among each other behind her, many of them floating random guesses as to what the password could be. Princess Celestia pursed her lips and stepped forward.

“I believe I may have an inkling,” the White Princess declared. “Everypony, step back. We’re not completely sure what will happen here.”

The soldiers did as instructed, and Luna nodded briefly before she likewise backed up so that she was standing behind her sister. Celestia’s horn glowed, activating the lodestone’s main spell patterns, and then she cleared her throat.

“To shatter the sun itself,” Celestia intoned in a grim voice. Several ponies shifted uncomfortably at the implicit metaphor.

“BZZZZZZT!!” An obnoxiously loud buzzer noise came from the lodestone, surprising the gathered ponies.

“Huh. Okay. That wasn’t it,” Celestia admitted. Then she activated the runes again. “Justice for the forgotten and the betrayed.”

“BZZZZZZT!!” The buzzer came again, and Luna winced.

Celestia coughed, and then tried again. “Magic is merely energy; BLOOD is power.”

“BZZZZZZT!!”

“In submission, we find stagnation; in revolution, we achieve renewal.”

“BZZZZZZT!!”

“Death to the alicorns?”

“BZZZZZZT!!”

“Password?”

“BZZZZZZT!!”

“One, two, three, four, five.”

“BZZZZZZT!!”

“Star Charmer?”

“BZZZZZZT!!”

Luna tilted her head to the side. “Star Charmer?”

“It was the name of a mare he had a crush on back in school,” Celestia mumbled, sitting down on her haunches. “I’m afraid I’m running low on ideas.”

“Let’s question the dragon,” suggested a Captain, “he might have a hint, or come up with new topics, at least. We must reach Twilight Sparkle!”

A spark came from the lodestone, and then the runes flooded with light. The Princesses recoiled in surprise.

“Twilight Sparkle? The password was Twilight Sparkle?” asked the Captain in surprise.

“That’s kind of creepy,” noted the mage with a grimace, “isn’t he more than twice her age?”

“On your guard!” Luna demanded, her horn lighting up with power. “We did not guess the password! This gateway is opening from the other side!” A sharp crack came from the magic construct, and a flickering magic portal yawned open.

Upon hearing this, the soldiers all fell into defensive positions as instructed. The pegasi spread into a wide circle, and the grounded ponies shifted into offensive phalanxes. Celestia gulped nervously, dreading the imminent encounter. Luna prepared a devastating spell volley, preparing to turn the rebel equines into dust with a moment’s notice.

The portal shimmered, and a blue unicorn leapt out and onto the forest floor.

Trixie’s eyes widened in shock when she saw her exit point completely surrounded by spears, readied spells, and a pair of Equestrian Princesses. For once the magician found herself completely speechless, confused both by the reception and badly intimidated by the level of power being aimed at her.

That suffocating terror jumped a few notches when Ranma exited the portal and landed next to her.

Immediately, all eyes turned to the pigtailed stallion. Several soldiers gasped, and the mages almost released their magic spells before they realized that the stallion had Princess Twilight Sparkle laying on his back.

“S-Saotome?” Luna stuttered in surprised, her horn dimming.

“Oh. Uh… it was Luna, right? Hey…” Ranma coughed nervously, looking around at the soldiers surrounding him. “So… we found Sparks! She’ll be fine! Probably!”

Princess Celestia stepped forward, her head held high and her gaze hard. “So you are the pony Saotome Ranma.”

“Yes,” Ranma replied.

“And NOT the pony Havoc,” Celestia pressed.

“Long story.” Ranma paused. “But also yes.”

Princess Celestia nodded. “It seems you have recovered my student, Twilight Sparkle. I do not yet understand the circumstances, but I would be pleased if you put her down before we continue.”

Ranma silently obeyed, lowering himself onto his belly and then gently sliding Twilight off onto the ground.

“Good,” Celestia said approvingly. “Now, then. We have much to discuss, Mister Saotome. It seems you and your partner have been through a great deal, but I’m afraid I must impose upon you for more of your time. We must know exactly how you came upon my student, what happened to the rebel sorcerers, as well as how you came to be confused to a well-known criminal…”

As the white Princess went into detail about the upcoming interrogation, Ranma stood back up and leaned over to Trixie. “Exit plan?” he whispered.

Trixie glanced left and right. The mages’ horns were no longer glowing, so she was confident that they were at least several seconds ahead of being obliterated if they tried to run. “Trixie only has a smoke screen.”

“I can make it work,” Ranma hissed back.

“… and of course, if you have any information as to the location of the MacGuffin Stone, that artifact must also be recovered without delay. Only with this can we finally put this terrible disturbance to rest and assure the safety of Equestria,” Celestia intoned, spreading her wings elegantly. Luna smiled in encouragement. “So I ask you, Saotome Ranma, may I count on your cooperation in this endeavor? Will you help me end this rebellion and bring justice to my kingdom?”

“No,” Ranma replied.

Trixie’s horn flashed in the next instant, and a cloud of smoke exploded around her.

The Princess sisters recoiled at the rejection, but the soldiers immediately rushed forward to cut off all avenues of escape. The earth ponies created a ring of spears around the churning cloud, and the unicorns prepared spells to fire past them if necessary.

When the smoke dissipated, however, the only pony remaining was an unconscious purple alicorn.

Trixie clutched her hat tightly against her head while leaves and branches whipped past her at blinding speed. Her rear legs were clamped tightly around Ranma’s body, holding her desperately against the stallion’s back while he vaulted from tree branch to tree branch.

“Trixie needs to get back into Coltson before we leave!” the magician shouted to the martial artist. “Trixie isn’t leaving the wagon behind!”

Ranma nodded, slowing down his pace slightly. “Got it. I’ll drop you off on the edge of town and you can head in. If they’ve locked it up or something, let me know and I can just break it out.”

“Oh, that WOULD be the perfect end to our stay here, wouldn’t it?” Trixie griped. “Breaking into a wagon lot. Ugh.”

Several minutes passed, and eventually Ranma jumped down onto the forest floor to continue their escape on the ground. Trixie didn’t dismount, as Ranma was still galloping far faster than she could, and it didn’t seem like the martial artist was getting worn out from carrying her.

“So… still have the MacGuffin Stone?” Ranma asked.

“Yes. Still planning on following Trixie around all the time?” Trixie retorted.

Ranma chuckled. “If you don’t mind.”

“Trixie DOES mind, as a matter of fact! Trixie constantly has to clean up after your mistakes and is frequently endangered by all the ponies chasing after you! Blood Rite and possibly Swan Song are still out there, and we can’t be sure that Sparkle or her pet lizard will be able to clear your name with the authorities! It’s not like they can explain why there’s another pony who looks exactly like you committing terrible crimes! Hay, at this point Trixie wouldn’t be shocked if that dragon from before came back and started trying to kill us just because you fought him off!”

Ranma didn’t answer her rant, but she did notice, from her position on his back, that his ears flipped down and pinned against the side of his head.

“… But as always, Trixie is magnanimous and kind,” the magician muttered, “and you DID save Trixie’s life once or twice back there. As long as you can do your job properly as Trixie’s protector, then Trixie will continue to employ you.”

“Thank you, Trix!” Ranma said, followed by a sniffling sound.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Are you crying?”

“No!” the stallion replied quickly. “There was a twig that got in my eye! From earlier! That’s all! I don’t cry, okay? You’re wrong! It’s just dusty around here!”

Trixie, for once, didn’t have anything to say while Ranma continued sputtering protests. She smirked silently and relaxed on Ranma’s back, content in know that the stallion would deliver her to her next destination.

Wherever that might be.

Part One: End

Author's Note

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria (two counts), assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (multiple counts), vandalism (multiple counts), destruction of private property, resisting arrest, assaulting and battery of an Equestrian General, assaulting an officer (multiple counts), assaulting a soldier of Equestria (multiple counts), unlawful appropriation of military equipment, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice, high treason, refusal of a royal decree, conspiracy to rebellion, more high treason, illegal deforestation, dine & dash.
Turning down a request from Princess Celestia is technically not a crime, which I'm sure makes it totally okay with all the loyal soldiers of the Royal Guard.

This is the end of the first arc of the crossover series. An epilogue will come soon, and then the next story.

Epilogue: Coltson Bugle

COLTSON BUGLE

PRINCESS SPARKLE FREED; REBELS FOILED! EVIL PONIES STILL AT LARGE!

Great relief was experienced by all ponies of Equestria yesterday as news broke that Princess Twilight Sparkle, the famous student of Princess Celestia herself, was delivered into the protection of the Canterlot Royal Guard yesterday evening and is now finally secure from her enemies.

The Princess was reported to be in disastrous condition, with severe burns, bruises, and numerous fractures. Initial tests, however, have revealed that Twilight Sparkle is expected to make a full recovery. Although royal medics have spent some time going over her injuries, the journalists from the Coltson Bugle were unable to obtain an interview with any connected hospital staff to get details as to what were the precise nature of her injuries or what the likely causes were.

The official spokespony of the Royal Guard has confirmed that Twilight Sparkle is being transferred to Canterlot, and was unable to give further details other than the listed summary of her condition. A prepared statement makes clear that the Princess was recovered in the forest North of our very own Coltson, but does not explain the circumstances of her discovery or give details as to what has been learned over the course of the Guard’s continued lockdown and reconnaissance of the city. Concerns for operational secrecy were cited, suggesting that the mission has not ended despite Princess Twilight Sparkle’s return. Individual soldiers interviewed have been likewise tight-lipped, and unwilling to speak off the record.

What we know is this:

Three days ago, the city was shocked to find Princess Luna assaulted by a mysterious redheaded pegasus just outside of town. Surprisingly, the combat was inconclusive, and it halted when a third pony announced Twilight Sparkle’s capture by rebel forces. Your correspondent broke that story, identifying the rogue mare as Calamity.

That very same day, the local barber shop of Sharp Shear was destroyed by a sudden explosion. The proprietor was largely unharmed physically, but when questioned by authorities he gave rambling, impossible testimony of a changeling asking for a haircut – quite the unlikely event! – blowing up, and then escaping with a pony it had referred to as “Mom.” Authorities are treating the story with extreme skepticism, especially as witnesses claim that a redheaded pegasus(!) was sighted fleeing the scene.

The next day, Coltson was subjected to a sudden, unexpected lockdown by a contingent of the Royal Guard led by General Firebrand. Requests for interviews were denied at the time.

Within hours of the Guard deploying within the city, a skirmish broke out in the Feed Bag Café, a hip, fun restaurant that will fill up your belly without emptying your wallet! Try their 6-bit deli sandwiches all next week as part of their “Repair the Gaping Hole in our Restaurant” summer sale! (Paid sponsorship) The skirmish was inconclusive, with both the Royal Guard and the rebel agents retreating from the encounter. Waiters taking refuge from the combat identified the resisting ponies as Swan Song and Havoc, two evil henchponies working for the rebel mastermind Blood Rite.

Hours later, word got out that General Firebrand himself had been incapacitated and rushed to the local hospital. No details were provided by the Guard, but rumors ran wild; not only had the rebels somehow captured Princess Twilight Sparkle, but it was clear that they had also overcome Canterlot’s mightiest Sorcerer General.

Mid-afternoon, the Royal Guard had finished locking down Coltson, restricting all traffic in or out of the city and establishing martial law. It was then that the city was visited by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna themselves. Again, the press was given very limited access, and told only that the Princesses would be assisting the Royal Guard.

That evening, the Royal Guard spokespony delivered a statement that confirmed Princess Sparkle had been recovered. At the time, no further details were provided.

Yesterday morning, it was reported by Safe Space, head of the local wagon and supply lockup center, that her business had been broken into and one of the wagons had been stolen from her establishment. Strict privacy concerns prevents her from naming the wagon’s owner or providing further details on the stolen goods. This doesn’t really have anything to do with the other events mentioned here and isn’t equivalent in importance, but it is worth noting that such a brazen crime occurred while the Royal Guard supposedly had the city locked down and secure.

As of this printing, none of the bounties for Blood Rite or ANY of his associates have been rescinded. As far as the authorities are concerned, those ponies are still at large and as dangerous as ever.

With the facts presented as they are, it is this professional journalist’s speculation that Princess Twilight Sparkle fought her way free of the rebels on her own terms. Given the panic of the rebels when faced with a deluge of Canterlot soldiers and the damage that they must have suffered in fending off General Firebrand, it is entirely plausible that the Element of Magic found a weakness and exploited it, managing to get away from her captors but suffering severe harm in the process. The rebels, facing the prospect of an invasion from the Royal Guard headed by the Royal Sisters themselves, were forced to let their hostage go and focus on evading capture as the brave, noble ponies of the Equestrian military turned over every rock and shook every tree in search of them.

Whether or not our guess is correct, we can rest assured that, with the return of Princess Twilight Sparkle, the balance of power has tilted back in favor of our beloved royal order and away from the craven rebels. Yet Equestria cannot rest until these base thugs and each and every pony connected to them has been brought to justice. The search for the rebel warriors, however, seems to be missing an important element: to date, no official bounty has been put in place for the pegasus mare Calamity.

Given what we know, it seems only too obvious that the mare is yet another rebel agent. Were her battle against an Equestrian Princess not enough proof, the timing of her combat seemed calculated to allow her partners to swoop in and capture Princess Twilight Sparkle. It has also been noted that she bears an uncanny resemblance to the mysterious earth pony Havoc, to the point of having an identical cutie mark. A twin sibling, perhaps? A magic disguise? Or could it be something darker, such as a magical clone? With the enemy being an accomplished sorcerer, the possibilities are truly endless.

One thing is for certain, though: Calamity is a great danger to innocent ponies, and in all likelihood another cornerstone of Blood Rite’s plan to overthrow our sacred diarchy and spread anarchy across the land. This paper calls for the authorities to add this criminal to the public listing of approved bounties so that she may be captured and called upon to account for her actions against the state. Only once ALL these cruel, violent insurgents are brought to heel will Equestria ever be truly safe again.

This has been Brassy Bugle, signing off.

Author's Note

Next story arc is coming soon. It occurs to me now that the story description seems odd now, since the dragon prince is the first thing mentioned and he doesn't even appear until the last chapter or do anything except destroy some jerk's basement. This story didn't evolve quite like I had expected. Oh well!