Desu Gan

Desu Gan.

“How is he sister?”

“Just the same as he has been for the past thousand years I’ve been gone, nothing.”

“Haven’t you said before that the spell should have worn off by now?”

“Yes, I have. And I will until he reemerges, it’s your spell I used on him.”

“I know, I know but it was still in a immature state. I still needed to work out the kinks. He may stay this way indefinitely.”

“How did I go so wrong sister? How?”

***

Today was the day! Today Malcolm would finally get to do what he has waited to do for months. Wear his custom, hand made, and frankly badass, Death Gun outfit! All the girls would swoon, all the men would be green with envy, and all the inbetweeners would well…

“Dude! Wake up, we’re almost there,”

I jolted upright, promptly hitting my head on the top of the car still shrugging off the final remnants of dreamland.

“Jealously stroking me half naked because oh god I’m awake aren’t I,” I sputtered with the following motion of covering my mouth.

“Jeez dude, you watch to much damn porn. You know some of us actually do it with real people,” Justin chastised me.

I knew I deserved it for such an embarrassing slip up, but I wasn’t about to go down without a fight.

“Well some of us just want to find the right person!” I weakly shot, destroying any and all chances for a comeback and opening me up for a ‘talk’.

“Dude, its all right. I’m just teasing you a ‘bit. I know talking to girls is hard for you but I’m sure you’ll find someone you can connect with, maybe even at this massive nerd fest you’re dragging me to.”

I wasn’t really paying attention. I had this talk almost a million times before. It seems everyone had the same idea, “You’ll find someone in due time,” or “You cant rush love honey,” or my personal favorite, “We have porn for a reason dude.”

“I’m ‘dragging’ you to said ‘nerd fest’ because you made me go to the stupid field day at school.” I said.

“Now, non of that. It was good for you to get some sunshine and a little workout, and your wrist don’t count bud.”

“Ok, just EW. And what is your obsession with what I do after hours, huh?”

“Nothin’… Anyway, we’re here,” Justin announced as we pulled into the expo hall parking lot.

I’m not going to lie; I was pumped about this con. I wasn’t some noob, I’d been to cons before, but this was going to be the one to remember. It was November 22 2014, a little over a month since the best anime ever released the mid-season finale. Yes kiddies, I’m talking about the one, the only, SAO!

Almost immediately after watching the 14 episodes of pure bliss, I was stricken with awe. No not by the complete lack of sexual tension (although that was a plus. Is it a requirement for there to be excessive fan service?). Not by the epicness of GGO(fuck you Alfhiem). No, what blew me away was the main antagonist, Death Gun.

I’m not saying the first season was bad. In fact the first half of the season was what every anime should be. Addicting, intriguing, and linear. You instantly fell in love with the plot and actually feel for the main characters. Sure Kirito can be a bit of a playboy but you still don’t totally hate him. The thrill of adventure is evident, yet not slow and confusing like some other adventure anime.

Now you may or may not be familiar with the… second half. Alfhiem? Fairies? Not too subtle incest subplot? Yea real low point for the show and ruined a lot of things in the eyes of fans. Lets just say when you take a formerly powerful female character, turn her into an object, and subject her to tentacle monsters? You my friend are fucked.

Anyway, both story arcs had one major issue. No clear bad guy. In the first half of the season there was no clear antagonist till the end, in which we were too much in shock to fully appreciate the situation. Exact same problem in the second half of the season. The main big baddy wasn’t discovered until the last three episodes, and once again we were in shock. Unfortunately we were shocked in the complete wrong reasons. All I feel like saying is PEDO ALERT.

And that’s where SAO 2 comes in. Right out of the gate you’re introduced to someone you clearly don’t want to meet in a dark alleyway. And the threat doesn’t just go away, but it escalates. All of this is happening while Sinon is dealing with some, cough cough, issues. Also did I mention he’s the most badass looking villain you could ever hope to be shot by?

After watching the first fourteen episodes I immediately got to work on my own Death Gun outfit. Custom mask, molded with my own two hands, hand-sewn cloak, and a very realistic looking sniper rifle. It was perfect. Once I finished I cried a little, this was the most perfect thing I had ever seen in my life, it was like my own child.

I stepped out of the car and made my way down to the convention check in. I walked up, flashed my weekend pass, and waltzed right on in.

“Sweet Jesus,” I muttered to myself. Booths everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I’d been to cons before, but not on this level. The entire hall was a hustle and a bustle. Costumes as far as the eye could see, and just as many creepy neck beards. I inwardly cringed at that last one. The only cool neckbeard was Notch, and even then…

“Ok bro, you have fun and all okbyeseeyalateryouweebu!” Justin rambled as he sped of toward some booth with sports looking models and magazines.

“Ok you brainless jo- HOLD ON WHAT THE FUCK YOU CALL ME SON!?” I raged in the middle of the hallway slightly freaking out passersby.

At that moment I thought it best to ‘demonstrate’ my mask’s ‘assets’. I slowly straightened my self out, held out one hand making a gun shape with my fingers, triggering two sensors in my bandages. Steam came shooting out of two slights on my jaw line while my eyes lit up in a fearsome red.

“Fools… remember this name, and fear! The name this gun and I share! Death Gun!”

By then I had gathered quite the audience. Slowly they all started clapping followed by a round of applause. ‘Guess I really did good huh Malcolm?’ ‘Yes you did Malcolm, yes you did.’

“Hey, that was a sick performance you did there buddy! But I noticed you don’t have the Black Star!” some dude in a Sugou Oberon outfit exclaimed

It was true, I had never been able to get my hands on a replica of a type 54 “Black Star”, the gun Death Gun uses, and I wasn’t prepared to get shot by the cops for carrying a VERY real gun in my current outfit. But I didn’t need this pervert piece of trash telling me that. Also trust me on my hatred for this guy, search up who Sugou is in SAO.

“Yea well I’m not gonna get shot for an outfit buddy,” I said doing little to hide my distain for this guy as I sized him up.

“Oh man don’t worry, I found this both with all these cool props, even had a Black Star! And don’t worry he’s selling them at crazy prices; hell you would think he’s senile!”

Now, I can see a marketing campaign a mile away and this was clearly one of them. This ‘senile’ old man was clearly trying to spread his area of influence through this guy who probably has said those exact words a million times. BUT I really wanted a Black Star.

“Ok, were is the guy,” I asked

“Oh just over that way buddy! Don’t forget to tell your friends about him as well!”

“Ok thanks…asshole.”

***

“Oh my god, could he be anymore vague!?” I asked, getting no reply from the universe.

I had been searching for the booth for almost a half hour and now I was just getting fed up. When the dude gave me the directions I was in the middle of the convention. He could have at least given me better directions than ‘GO THATAWAY!’

Eventually I gave up and decided to call Justin.

*RING* RING* RING*

“Yo, Malcolm, where you at?”

“By the food court, you getting hungry?”

“Yea I could eat.”

“Ok, see you in, what? 15 minuets?”

“Alright, see ya.”

*BEEP*

So I had about 15 minuets to browse in the general area before I had lunch. Might as well make the most of it.

I waked around browsing, commenting, and posing. I had yet to see the booth I was looking for but that was ok. I only had so much money on my person I doubt I would have been able to buy it. Also hauling it around all day would suck. It’s amazing the excuses you can think up for why not to be upset when you realize you cant have something.

So I just continued to walk the general area. I saw a lot of gamers and anime cosplayers. Some of the cooler costumes were the Lutece Twins from Bioshock and some dude with a sharingan as his face. I know what the sharingan is and that Sasuke and Kakashi have it, but I never watched enough to see someone with a sharingan face.

Eventually I started making my way back to the food court. Once again I skimmed any tables I may have missed. Once again I saw some more gamers, but one stood out to me more than the others. Their outfit was, strange. Actually it was downright random. The parts I could make out were the standard uniform for a NCR Ranger from Fallout New Vegas and some gun from Halo, or at least some futuristic shooter. He was buying some sort of tooth.

‘Huh, wouldn’t spend my money on something so… meh, but hey it ain’t my money.’ I thought as I continued walking, right into my best friend in the world, OBERON.

“Oh hey there buddy! Having a good time! I’m sure you are! Hey did you ever find that booth? No? Well its right over there! BYE!”

“Wait hold on! Come back you…asshole.”

Oh well at least he gave me better directions this time. I walked over to the booth I had been directed to, and boy was hat man old. Like really old. Imagine old, and then think of it grandpa.

“Hey there son? Looking to buy? The geezer asked me in a shaky voice.

“Well it depends, what are you selling?”

“Ahh crafty you are, I believe my friend said you would be coming, and I think I have what you need,” the old man chuckled as he slipped his arm around my shoulder and led me behind the booth.

Once we were there he bent down and pulled out a chest and opened it revealing a Black Star sitting on velvet pillows in a glass case.

“Ok what’s the catch? Is it expensive? I inquired not believing this man was about to sell me such a work of art.

“No catch at all youngin. How much cash do you have on you?”

“$127” I lied.

“Sold.”

“What.”

“Sold.”

“Really?”

“Yea”

“Ok pleasure doing business with ya!”

“Likewise youngin”

***

‘Wow what a steal!’ I thought as I walked away from the booth with my brand-new hand crafted Black Star! ‘Man my outfit is all natural.’

I continued to boast inwardly all the way back to the food court. I saw Justin and raised my right arm to wave at him before it was grabbed by what looked like meat hooks. I looked over to see some 40 something year old in a rainbow pony outfit drooling while covered in sweat and what I hoped was grease.

“OH my, Celestia’s righteous booty hole where did you get that Alicorn Amulet?”

Ok I’ll be honest. I have nothing against bronys. Yes I think there kind of… unusual, but hey so are a lot of fandoms. And there is one thing all fandoms have in common. The freaks. All fandoms have them or example Trekies with their creepy ass porn fanfic writer, the anime community with their KAWAI DESU DESU DESU SENPAI HENTAI people, and the creepy ass old men into mlp. By far they are the worst. Not only is it creepy but also they are like pedophiles. Once again not saying all bronys and pegasisters are like this and not all the older members are creeps, but this one most certainly was.

“Guys you like gotta see this, it’s amazing.” The fat ass demon shouted

As soon as he said this a bunch of other equally repulsive Rainbow dash clad fatties appeared from the shadows swarming me. I took the liberty to look down at that moment to notice were death gun would have a laughing coffin tattoo was some unicorn pennant attached to my arm.

“Wow soo cool,”

“We should-“

“Yealets-“

“avhv”kng”nit””ugynva”evsyntv

“Back up, now!” I stuttered facing a horde of creepy ass old men surrounded me.

“No were going to make you one of us,” one of them slobbered

I lifted the gun and repeated myself “Back up, now!”

“No.”

And then everything blurred. Somehow I found myself firing away at the crowd of creepers and watching them drop one by one. The crazy old man had sold me a real gun. A REAL FUCKING GUN. And I was using it.

Eventually they overran me and the last thing I remember seeing was that guy with the Oberon outfit smirking at me.

“Why?” I asked

“There is just something about you that I don’t like.”

“…asshole.”