Randomnity

by Codex Ex Equus

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Other, Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4454

Small, silly stories

A collection of short, random stories. Most of these were comic ideas that, for various reasons, I've decided not to make into comics, but the idea was too good to just abandon.

A Real Princess: The ending to A Canterlot Wedding, re-imagined with Cadance acting more like a real-life princess rather than a perfect magical pony princess.

Sniper: Celestia raises the sun at the Summer Sun Festival, unaware of the pony standing on a distant rooftop...

Flutterdrunk: Twilight discovers the consequences of getting Fluttershy drunk.

A Night With the Moon: Nightmare Moon turns out to be more prepared for the Mane Six's attempt to retrieve the Elements than Twilight had though. Twilight is not prepared for what happens next.

Fish Food: Sunset Shimmer enacts her terrible revenge upon the Sirens.

Edit 11/28/15: Aaaaand I'm now out of character slots to add. I threw the 'other' tag on there, but just assume it's every character ever.

Published 2015-07-28 06:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-25 01:44:22 UTC

1: A Real Princess

“Right you are, Princess,” cackled Chrysalis gleefully, nearly prancing back and forth in front of the gathered wedding guests. “And as Queen of the Changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than–”

“Oh. My. GOD. Would you shut UP?” interrupted Cadance, rolling her eyes. “It's bad enough you tried to steal my fiancé, what's-his-name. I can understand that, he's pretty cute when he keeps his mouth shut. But are you TRYING to RUIN my wedding?

“I mean, just look at those bridesmaids. I wanted MATCHING dresses, not this mishmash of clashing fashion disasters. And magenta for the hall decorations? Really? Did we go back in time five years? I had a modern wedding planned before you ponynapped me, not one from the time of caveponies!

“That's not even mentioning the wedding guests, either! What did you do to my invitations? I only had unicorns on my list! The pegasi are bad enough, but you invited mudponies too? I'm just glad we decided not to have this wedding at my palace, because I would not want to be responsible for cleaning up all the dirt they've probably dragged in here. Well, I mean, I wouldn't want my servants to be responsible, which is pretty much the same.

“And another thing–”

The guests watched in awe and disbelief as Cadance continued to rant, expressing her disapproval with everything about how her wedding had been changed in her absence, up to and including Princess Celestia wearing her usual 'ugly and ancient' regalia rather than the dress Cadance had picked out.

Standing side-by-side, Shining Armor and Chrysalis listened with open mouths as a seemingly never-ending torrent of petty disappointments and whining came from Cadance. Almost as one, they turned to look at each other.

Chrysalis inclined her head, nodding towards Cadance, then raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Shining Armor.

“Dearly beloved,” announced Celestia, smiling proudly, “We are here today to join in holy matrimony Shining Armor and Queen Chrysalis...”

Frowning slightly, Twilight watched the ceremony from off to one side of the crowd of ponies and changelings. Her seat was unstable, consisting of the tied up and very thoroughly gagged Princess Cadance, but she was able to keep her balance without much trouble.

“Well, I guess it's the lesser of two evils,” she sighed, ignoring the struggles and muffled protestations of her perch.

Princess Celestia concluded her speech, and Shining Armor carefully maneuvered the ring down the jagged and twisting horn of his new wife. They kissed, and for some reason the changeling Queen was suddenly blushing.

They do kind of make a cute couple, though, Twilight thought, a small smile making its way onto her face despite herself.

Author's Note

One of those ideas that originally came about as a comic. Which is how most of my ideas come, since that is largely what I do when it comes to ponies. This one, at least, consisted almost entirely of Cadance ranting, which obviously works better as writing.

The genesis of this story came from thinking about how Cadance and Chrysalis acted while Chrysalis was taking her place. Obviously Chrysalis had to be rude and mean, to emphasis how perfect and great Cadance was. But, what if Cadance actually acted more the way a princess in the real world did? (The stereotypical view of how a real princess acts, at least)

3: Flutterdrunk

“Well, mornin' there, sunshine.”

Twilight groaned as she stumbled into her kitchen. 'Sun' was currently not a subject she was fond of, considering what it was doing to her bleary eyes. Given what had gone on the night before, 'shine' wasn't exactly high on her list of favorite things either.

“This is your fault, you know,” she rasped, head flopping onto the table.

“Now, I just make the cider, darlin'. I don't make you do what you do with it.” Applejack finished pouring the cup of coffee and passed it to the grateful Twilight who, judging by how she began chugging it down, had decided she could breath the stuff. “And just what did you do with it last night, anyway? Ah usually don't see you hit this hard the mornin' after you pick up your monthly barrel.”

Twilight gave a little shrug of her shoulders. “Well, it was just supposed to be a normal night of drinking. Spike was over at Rarity's, and I had the cider and a good book–this one was on differences in philosophy between the minotaurs and the griffons. So, you know, maybe it was actually going to be a little crazier than usual from the start.”

“Uh-huh. Crazy,” said Applejack, eyes half-lidded.

“But Fluttershy showed up, and I invited her to have a mug or two, and then –”

“Fluttershy?!” gasped Applejack in horror. “You gave hard cider to Fluttershy?!”

“Well, yeah. Can you believe she hasn't had a drink since before I came to Ponyville?” Twilight chuckled. “Not to sound morbid, but if I couldn't relax and get drunk every once in a while I think I would have burned Equestria to the ground out of sheer pent-up stress years ago!”

“Twilight... Twilight, we need to find Fluttershy. Right now.” Applejack's ears were folded back, and she was looking around in a panic.

“Why? I mean, we just had a few drinks, and–”

“You don't understand,” interrupted Applejack, grabbing Twilight's head between her hooves to force the Princess to look at her. “Fluttershy is... a mean drunk. A really mean drunk.”

Twilight laughed, pushing Applejack's hooves away. “Oh, come on, Applejack. It can't be that bad.”

“There's a reason Ah haven't let her have a drop of my cider since last time,” replied Applejack darkly. “Are y'all really telling me you didn't notice anything last night?”

“Hmm...” Twilight frowned in thought, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Nothing too out of the ordinary. I mean, maybe she was being a bit snarky just before she left, but–”

“Oh sweet Celestia.” Applejack's face went pale. “Being snarky is phase one. You let her leave while she was still just in phase one?!”

Twilight blinked in confusion. “What's the big deal?”

“If she was in phase one when she left, that means she was just getting started.” Applejack took off her hat and held it to her chest, shaking her head sadly. “If she'd stayed in your castle, well, everything could have been fixed this mornin' with just an apology and maybe her buying you some new things. Now, though... she could be anywhere, and could have done anything.”

“Oh, come on, now,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “She can't be that bad when she's drunk...”

A moan came from Fluttershy as the beam of sunlight touched her face.

More moans followed as she slowly opened her eyes, and then she let out a long groan.

Why did her head feel like it was trying to turn inside out? Why did her mouth taste like she had licked Angel Bunny? And why–as her eyes finally focused and she realized where she was–was she in the Royal Throne Room in Canterlot? What had she done last night?

Before she could begin pondering these question, a hoof pressed against her chest.

It clinked.

Looking down, Fluttershy saw that she was wearing a very familiar golden breastplate. Following the alabaster hoof that was pressed against it, she found herself looking at the worried and slightly fearful face of Princess Celestia.

“I-I'm sorry, mistress! Do you wish to sleep more?” Celestia asked, apprehensive. “I can lower the sun again if you need more rest.”

“And just give the word if you wish the moon up as well,” added the distressed Princess Luna, sitting next to her sister. Looking down again, Fluttershy realized silver hoofcuffs, far too big for her own hooves, were at the ends of each of her four legs. “After all, we'd do anything for the new ruler of all Equestria.”

“Um–”

“Is there anything you'd like me to do?” said a voice from Fluttershy's other side. As she turned her head, something tumbled off. She caught it instinctively, finding a cone-shaped crown set with purple gems.

“We can spread love to any country you choose,” said Cadance, smiling nervously. “The whole Crystal Empire, and the Crystal Heart, are yours to command, of course.”

“UM–”

“Or we can subjugate any land you'd prefer,” said another voice, buzzing with dual tones, causing Cadance to give its owner a glare.

Realizing there was something else still on her head, Fluttershy reached up and pulled off a crown of black, tipped with jade stones.

“The entire Swarm is at your disposal, my Queen,” said Chrysalis from Cadance's side, her head bowed and shoulders tense.

Whimpering, Fluttershy closed her eyes again.

Author's Note

Another comic idea. No idea where this one came from, though.

A Night With the Moon

“No...” moaned Twilight, watching the shattered remains of the Elements of Harmony fall to the floor of the tower.

“Oh, come, now,” said Nightmare Moon, stalking back to stand on top of the dais that had once held the Elements. “You didn't really think those dusty old relics would help you against me, did you?”

“But... the legend said the sixth Element would appear when...” She turned suddenly, as the sound of her friends coming up the tower stairs brought a shine to her eyes. “When a spark ignites the–“

A beam of turquoise energy shot past her, so close it raised her fur on end. It smashed into the top of the archway leading to the stairs, blasting it apart. Screams came from below as the five ponies fled to escape the avalanche of mortar and brick tumbling down the spiral stairs, and when the smoke cleared nothing but a pile of ruined masonry was left.

“I don't think that's going to be happening,” said Nightmare Moon smugly.

“You... why are you doing this?!” wailed Twilight

“I thought you knew the legend,” replied Nightmare, rolling her eyes and beginning to pace. “My sister was greedy and only let the ponies enjoy her day, and not my night. When I objected and tried only to get what I deserve, she banished me to the moon.”

“I don't think–“

“And now that I'm back,” continued Nightmare Moon, “I shall bring eternal night, so that all may enjoy my stars and moon.”

There was silence as the Nightmare strutted about the dais, and then Twilight raised her head.

“You don't have to do this,” she said quietly. “Things are different now. Ponies enjoy the night!”

“Yes, I'm sure you came all this way, searching for the only thing that can defeat me, so you could help celebrate the coming eternal night,” replied Nightmare Moon snidely.

“It's true!” insisted Twilight. “We have more light sources now than just torches and candles, ones that are powered by stored magic. There are some ponies that stay up all night. I do it quite a bit myself, when I'm studying.”

Nightmare Moon just snorted, and Twilight thought frantically for something else to add. “There are a lot of ponies who look forward to the night, even. They stay up late, going to parties and clubs.”

“Parties, you say?” asked Nightmare, suddenly interested. “I didn't get to go to many parties before... most only took place during the daytime.”

Encouraged, Twilight continued, “Some of those ponies really like the parties, too. They say they wish the night could last longer. Forever, even.”

That might have been too much; the Nightmare was staring at her suspiciously now. “And I suppose next you'll be telling me about how much they love the stars and moon, yes?”

“Well... no, they don't,” admitted Twilight. “They spend their time inside. B-but a lot of other ponies do! We have powerful telescopes now to let us study the stars, and observatories... I even spend a lot of my own time stargazing.”

Nightmare Moon was still glaring at her, but then she suddenly burst into a shadowy mist, streaking across the room to reform directly in front of Twilight

“Yes...” she hissed softly, leaning forward to stare into Twilight's face even as the unicorn gulped and stepped back nervously. “You are Celestia's little pet. I spent most of my time on the moon slumbering, but I do have a few fuzzy memories. And I recall seeing a small purple unicorn in the towers of my sister's castle, peering back up at me, quite often.”

She moved away, looking at Twilight out of the corner of one eye. “Let's say I accept your story, that I believe I am properly appreciated in this day and age. What would you have me do? Return your precious Princess and her sun?”

“Well... yes, I'd like that,” replied Twilight meekly, hope beginning to blossom in her chest.

“Except my sister would immediately seek to banish me again.” Nightmare Moon shook her head. “I'm going to need more incentive than that.”

“Like what?”

Nightmare Moon stood silent for a moment, considering the unicorn, then said, “How about a date?”

“A–“ Twilight's mouth dropped open. “A what.”

“A date. Nothing fancy, just you and me in a nice restaurant somewhere. It's been a long time since I've had a beautiful mare tell me how much she admires my nights, after all.”

Nightmare Moon moved forward, circling around the stunned Twilight. “If you're lucky, maybe I'll take a closer look at your stars–“

Twilight jumped as a hoof brushed against her cutie mark. Turning to follow the Nightmare's movements, Twilight's face went red as her muzzle suddenly bumped into the cutie mark on a large, soft flank.

“–and you can get a closer look at my moon.”

Frozen in place, Twilight could only watch as Nightmare strode back to the dais, unable to take her eyes from the midnight black hips that seemed to be swaying back and forth much more than they needed to.

Climbing back up on the stone plinth, Nightmare Moon lay down, stretching out and gazing back at Twilight. Her half-lidded eyes, teal and alluring, flashed up through a translucent mane.

“Or, we can just skip to the sex right here and now.”

The moon moved out from in front of the sun, slowly sliding back beneath the horizon, and sunlight once again washed over Equestria.

Author's Note

No chapter for Changeling Courtship Rituals this week, but enjoy something silly I've had stuck in my head for a bit.

The impetuous for this came from one of the prompt collabs I like, Full Moon Fever. Of course, I'm not part of that group, and had no prompt beyond 'what kind of story would I like to write for that', but I think it came out pretty good.

I particularly enjoy this ending; it's a take on a short story that has one of my favorite endings of all time, The Most Dangerous Game. Also check out the version of this story with the alternate ending; I based it off something else I really enjoy.

A Night With the Moon (Alternate Ending)

“No...” moaned Twilight, watching the shattered remains of the Elements of Harmony fall to the floor of the tower.

“Oh, come, now,” said Nightmare Moon, stalking back to stand on top of the dais that had once held the Elements. “You didn't really think those dusty old relics would help you against me, did you?”

“But... the legend said the sixth Element would appear when...” She turned suddenly, as the sound of her friends coming up the tower stairs brought a shine to her eyes. “When a spark ignites the–“

A beam of turquoise energy shot past her, so close it raised her fur on end. It smashed into the top of the archway leading to the stairs, blasting it apart. Screams came from below as the five ponies fled to escape the avalanche of mortar and brick tumbling down the spiral stairs, and when the smoke cleared nothing but a pile of ruined masonry was left.

“I don't think that's going to be happening,” said Nightmare Moon smugly.

“You... why are you doing this?!” wailed Twilight

“I thought you knew the legend,” replied Nightmare, rolling her eyes and beginning to pace. “My sister was greedy and only let the ponies enjoy her day, and not my night. When I objected and tried only to get what I deserve, she banished me to the moon.”

“I don't think–“

“And now that I'm back,” continued Nightmare Moon, “I shall bring eternal night, so that all may enjoy my stars and moon.”

There was silence as the Nightmare strutted about the dais, and then Twilight raised her head.

“You don't have to do this,” she said quietly. “Things are different now. Ponies enjoy the night!”

“Yes, I'm sure you came all this way, searching for the only thing that can defeat me, so you could help celebrate the coming eternal night,” replied Nightmare Moon snidely.

“It's true!” insisted Twilight. “We have more light sources now than just torches and candles, ones that are powered by stored magic. There are some ponies that stay up all night. I do it quite a bit myself, when I'm studying.”

Nightmare Moon just snorted, and Twilight thought frantically for something else to add. “There are a lot of ponies who look forward to the night, even. They stay up late, going to parties and clubs.”

“Parties, you say?” asked Nightmare, suddenly interested. “I didn't get to go to many parties before... most only took place during the daytime.”

Encouraged, Twilight continued, “Some of those ponies really like the parties, too. They say they wish the night could last longer. Forever, even.”

That might have been too much; the Nightmare was staring at her suspiciously now. “And I suppose next you'll be telling me about how much they love the stars and moon, yes?”

“Well... no, they don't,” admitted Twilight. “They spend their time inside. B-but a lot of other ponies do! We have powerful telescopes now to let us study the stars, and observatories... I even spend a lot of my own time stargazing.”

Nightmare Moon was still glaring at her, but then she suddenly burst into a shadowy mist, streaking across the room to reform directly in front of Twilight

“Yes...” she hissed softly, leaning forward to stare into Twilight's face even as the unicorn gulped and stepped back nervously. “You are Celestia's little pet. I spent most of my time on the moon slumbering, but I do have a few fuzzy memories. And I recall seeing a small purple unicorn in the towers of my sister's castle, peering back up at me, quite often.”

She moved away, looking at Twilight out of the corner of one eye. “Let's say I accept your story, that I believe I am properly appreciated in this day and age. What would you have me do? Return your precious Princess and her sun?”

“Well... yes, I'd like that,” replied Twilight meekly, hope beginning to blossom in her chest.

“Except my sister would immediately seek to banish me again.” Nightmare Moon shook her head. “I'm going to need more incentive than that.”

“Like what?”

Nightmare Moon stood silent for a moment, considering the unicorn, then said, “How about a date?”

“A–“ Twilight's mouth dropped open. “A what.”

“A date. Nothing fancy, just you and me in a nice restaurant somewhere. It's been a long time since I've had a beautiful mare tell me how much she admires my nights, after all.”

Nightmare Moon moved forward, circling around the stunned Twilight. “If you're lucky, maybe I'll take a closer look at your stars–“

Twilight jumped as a hoof brushed against her cutie mark. Turning to follow the Nightmare's movements, Twilight's face went red as her muzzle suddenly bumped into the cutie mark on a large, soft flank.

“–and you can get a closer look at my moon.”

Frozen in place, Twilight could only watch as Nightmare strode back to the dais, unable to take her eyes from the midnight black hips that seemed to be swaying back and forth much more than they needed to.

Climbing back up on the stone plinth, Nightmare Moon lay down, stretching out and gazing back at Twilight. Her half-lidded eyes, teal and alluring, flashed up through a translucent mane.

“Or, we can just skip to the sex right here and now.”

The five ponies, trying to figure out a way past the ruined stairs up to the tower, suddenly stopped talking and looked upwards as Twilight's screams began to to echo throughout the castle.

Four of the ponies turned bright red, suddenly avoiding eye contact with each other, but Pinkie Pie let out a gasp of horror.

“Oh no, Twilight!” she said, hooves going to her mouth. “Nightmare Moon must be doing something awful to her!”

She paused, cocking her head to the side as another set of cries became audible. “That's Nightmare Moon now! Alright, go Twilight! Give it to her good!"

“Wait, where are we going?” she asked, looking around at the four blushing ponies who were dragging her from the castle. “Aren't we going to go help Twilight?”

Author's Note

Okay, need a bit more explanation on this one.

The inspiration for this ending comes from an episode of Sealab 2021, a show that used to air on Adult Swim on Cartoon Network (fun fact, also the distant predecessor to Archer(also fun fact, I apparently spelled 'predecessor' so incredibly incorrectly that the FiMfiction spellcheck just gave up and didn't tell me it was incorrect)).

Here's a link the the particular part of that episode I had in mind. Aside from the sound, it's not really NSFW; it did run on cartoon network, after all. Give it about 20 seconds to get to the part I'm thinking of.

But anyway, Captain Murphy's reaction there ("Good lord, she's killing him!") was always what I thought of as one of the most hilarious lines in a show full of hilarious lines. And that's quite obviously where this ending came from.

Fish Food

Arms folded, eyes narrowed, Adagio and Aria glared across the kitchen table.

Sunset Shimmer smiled back. “There's no reason to be so upset. I mean, I understand what you're going through. I had the exact same thing happen to me. And I know you don't feel like it right now, but someday I'm sure we can be friends. All I want to do today is lay the groundwork for that friendship. You don't have to go along with this if you don't want to, but I'm just trying to show you that I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.”

The two sirens continued to glare. Picking up a nearby plate, Sunset offered it to them. “Sandwiches?”

Adagio and Aria looked at each other for a moment, then, hesitantly, each reached out and took a sandwich. As they chewed, their expressions softened slightly.

“This sandwich is pretty good, I guess,” admitted Adagio grudgingly. “What is it, tuna?”

“No, but it's something like tuna,” said Sunset, with a small snigger. “It's a... special kind of fish.”

“Hmm. Well, it's good.”

They continued eating for a moment, then Aria cocked her head in puzzlement.

“Say, where is Sonata?” she asked. “You invited all of us, didn't you?”

“Oh, don't worry about Sonata,” replied Sunset, grinning. “She's... around here somewhere.”

Aria and Adagio made the connection at the same moment. Both looked slowly down at their sandwiches, then back up at Sunset, who just grinned wider. A lump of partially chewed sandwich fell out of Aria's open mouth, and then suddenly both leapt to their feet. Hands over their mouths, fighting their gag reflex, both fled, racing to get to the bathroom first as Sunset's laughter echoed behind them.

“I got the drinks!” cried Sonata happily, skipping into the kitchen.

“Oh, thank you, Sonata,” said Sunset, taking a can of soda off the ring Sonata had brought in and cracking the can open. “Sorry to send you out to the garage like that, I know it can be hard to find stuff with how messy it is.”

“It wasn't a problem. Ooh, sandwiches! Can I have one?”

“Be my guest,” said Sunset with a wave of her hand, and Sonata grabbed a sandwich and began gobbling it down.

“This is really good!” she said through a mouthful of sandwich. “Is it tuna?”

“No, it's a... special kind of fish. A mixture of two kinds, actually.”

“So, where are Aria and Adagio?” asked Sonata, swallowing the huge bite she had in her mouth and taking another one. “Didn't you invite them too?”

“Oh, don't worry,” said Sunset, smiling. “They're... around.”

Sonata stopped chewing, her eyes going wide as she looked down at the sandwich, and Sunset grinned broadly.

Author's Note

Some silly little story I came up with. Not sure how or why, even though I thought of it and wrote it in one day.

This is also a perfect example of an idea that was originally a comic. But, I decided it would work better as a ~500ish word story.

2: Sniper

Celestia took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Power began to course through her body, lifting her off the platform she stood upon. Raising her hooves and spreading her wings, she raised the sun. In the square below, the crowd that had gathered for the Summer Sun Celebration watched in silent awe.

The silence was cut off by the crack of a rifle shot, and the sound of Celestia crashing onto the platform and crumpling into a heap upon its wooden planks.

The unicorn on the far-away roof didn't hesitate, quickly and smoothly dismantling his rifle. The barrel unscrewed into three parts, the stock and scope came off the body, and all the pieces went into a saddlebag that now looked like it simply held a book or two. He spared one brief glance at the square as screams and chaos began to rise into the air, then turned to leave.

And bumped nose-first into a golden breastplate hanging from an alabaster neck. He stepped away, shaking his head to clear the stars that had suddenly filled his vision, then stumbled back a few more steps as Celestia spat the flattened bullet into his face.

“Congratulations, you were a really good shot,” was the last thing he ever heard.

Author's Note

I can't remember how I thought this thing up. I think I just got the idea of Celestia spitting a bullet back into an assassin's face and went from there.