A Guards Duty

by Omare Bradley

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Shining Armor, Discord, Slice of Life
Length: 3435

Shining Armor and the Royal Guard are forced to break up a party hosted by Discord due to noise complaints. Upon arriving to the party Shining Armor is soon drawn into a philsophical discussion with Discord about the Royal Guard and its purpose.

Shining Armor is forced to look after Canterlot for a week while the princesses are out on a diplomatic mission. The week is uneventful until Discord and some of his fellow trickster gods throw a party. Now Shining Armor has to break it up before it gets out of control and engulfs the entire city in chaos.

Published 2015-07-28 06:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-28 06:30:02 UTC

Breaking Up The Party

Shining Armor sighed as he worked on the seemingly endless amount of paperwork that was piled on his desk. He was in a dour mood and quite angry at himself for agreeing to watch over Canterlot while Celestia and Luna were out on a diplomatic mission to Yakyakistan. He had thought overseeing civilians for the week that Celestia and Luna were gone would have been fun. Surely it would be more enjoyable then dealing with gruff soldier types all day like he was used to!

Shining Armor chuckled to himself bitterly; he had been forced to attend several meetings that had bored him to tears. It seemed like there was a ceremony or a festival every other day in Canterlot. To make matters worse Discord had arrived in Canterlot and there were rumors that he was going to throw a massive party in light of Celestias and Luna’s brief absence. He shuddered inwardly when he thought of that. Discord was a nuisance normally, but if he were to throw a party the whole city could get consumed in his chaos.

If that happens, Canterlot will be destroyed and it will have happened on my watch! Celestia would probably strip me of my rank and forcibly separate me from Cadence. The royal guard will collapse and then…

Shining Armor shook his head. It appeared that neurosis ran in the family. After all, didn’t Twilight learn to freak out over tests from watching him do the very same thing? He looked up when he heard a harsh knocking on his door.

Shining Armor was somewhat irritated with the sharp rapping. But his military training had made him disciplined. He was able to maintain his decorum and calmly said, “Come in.”

The pony that had been knocking on his door burst in with a furious expression on her face. She was a unicorn who appeared to be middle aged. She glared at Shining Armor and began to talk in voice that barely concealed her rage.

“My son applied to the royal guard officer training school and he has yet to receive a scholarship! He has met all the qualifications and I demand that he receives one!”

Shining Armor sighed wearily as he addressed the furious mother, “The Royal Guard is low on funding and we can’t give scholarships to everyone. Secondly, I’m not in charge of giving out scholarships, you would have to take it up with the head of the school your son is attending.”

The mother wasn’t satisfied, “You want me to take it up with the idiots who run the university? You know how university types are, always going on about tolerance. I bet they gave the scholarship money to some earth pony that identifies as a pegasus in order to promote diversity. I swear the most oppressed people in this nation are middle class unicorns!”

With that she stomped out, making sure to slam the door hard enough to make Shining Armor wince. He was however very happy as he looked out the window to see stars twinkling on a vast canopy of darkness. Well at least this week is over, Celestia and Luna will be back in the morning and then I can return to the Crystal Empire and not have to deal with crazy moms for a long time.

Shining Armor packed his things and began to walk out his office. He was soon out of his stifling office and on the pleasant city streets of Canterlot. He was smiling until he saw a frantic looking guard running toward him. The guard blanched when he saw Shining Armor and proceeded to quickly compose himself before talking.

“Sir we have a huge problem!”

Shining Armor regarded him apprehensively, “And what is that soldier?”

The guard still sounding somewhat nervous blurted out, “Discord’s having a massive party in the lower distracts of Canterlot! It’s getting out of control and we have several ponies calling in with complaints!”

Shining Armor sighed, “Then break it up!”

The guard looked confused, “But sir, it’s Discords party, he could easily take on the royal guard. What if he tells his guest’s to stay while deciding to bring our armor to life and have it fight us again!”

Shining Armor grimaced at that memory. Discord had told Shining Armor that the royal guard didn’t see enough combat and needed more practice. He had then somehow brought the royals guards armor to life. It had been complete pandemonium and a lot of soldiers had come back with bruises. No one had been severely hurt, but Discord had made the royal guard into a laughingstock. To make matters worse funding had been cut as many ponies believed this incident showed how incompetent the guard was.

After all, what’s the point of an army when you have four alicorns and Discord looking over the nation? Shining Armor shook his head, the royal guard still had a purpose and that was to act as a policing force as even Celestia couldn’t be everywhere at once.
Shining Armor looked calmly at the guard, “Alright gather up a platoon and we’ll head over and break this party up, after all we can’t have Canterlot destroyed in the princess’s absence!”

The guard appeared relieved at having orders to follow and he quickly rounded up a platoons worth of troops. Once that was done the soldiers quickly began to march towards the lower districts of Canterlot. Many were apprehensive, knowing full well what an angry and possibly drunken Discord could do.

When they arrived to the lower districts of Canterlot, the guards found complete chaos. Ponies were running around clearly intoxicated and up to no good. Others were dancing in the streets.

Shining Armor amplified his voice, “By order of the Royal Guard this party is to be dispersed. Anypony who remains here will be at risk of being arrested if found with illegal substances!”

The statement was meant with boo’s but many of the ponies began to disperse. One pony however lunged at the guard’s drunkenly slurring, “Guard brutality!”

He was quickly led away by two burly guard members. Shining Armor head the pony yell, “Arresting me for what! I thought this was Equestria! Celestia runs this place not Tirek!”

Shining Armor rolled his eyes and pulled over another party member who didn’t seem to be completely intoxicated. The pony in question was a unicorn that appeared to just be staring at the stars. His facial expression was one of childlike awe.

Shining Armor began to talk, “Do you have any idea where Discord is?”

The unicorn looked at him blearily, “Oh look its Shining Bummer what do you want?”

Sighing, Shining Armor asked again, “Do you know where Discord is!”

The unicorn started to mutter, “Oh him, yeah he’s in some building, he gave me these awesome pills, like everything’s cool now!”

Shining Armor dismissed the unicorn and began to take note of the chaos around him. He was happy to see that his guards were going around confiscating illegal substances and arresting the rowdier party members. Shining Armor continued to wander around until he came across a building that had several disco balls hovering around it. The sky over the building was constantly changing colors. It was beautiful and otherworldly and Shining Armor knew that this was the building Discord was shacking up in.

He entered to find ponies, zebras, griffins, and even buffaloes dancing around. The music was foreign to Shining Armors ears but he found himself subconsciously tapping to the fast beat as he began to push through the crowd.

Ugh I hate these types of things how is this fun? Shining Armor chuckled he had always been an introvert and in his school days he had always hated going to dances. He generally preferred the quiet and had often wished that the DJ’s at the various parties he had gone too would keep their music low enough so that he could converse with other ponies.

He strode up a staircase noting that it was covered in streamers and ponies doing things that Shining Armor really did not want to fixate upon. He reached the top of the stairs to see a lounge that was filled with several odd looking creatures including Discord.

Growling he began to march towards Discord. But he was soon intercepted by a beautiful blonde mare. She was an earth pony and was more alluring than anypony Shining Armor had ever seen.

She began to speak to him in one of the most melodious voices ever heard.

“Why are you so intent on breaking up such a wonderful time? You should learn to relax. Why don’t you come with me?”

Shining Armor nodded dumbly. He began to follow her as she sashayed to another room.

Shining Armor was broken out his trance by Discords laugh, “Loki, that’s a married stallion, don’t use mind magic on him! Why don’t you show him your true form?”

The mare who was now grinning nodded and suddenly turned into a two legged creature that towered over Shining Armor. The creature wore a peculiar golden crown with horns protruding out of it. It began to walk towards Discord and sit down in one the many couches that were scattered throughout the room.

Shining Armor shook his head, realizing that Loki had probably altered his mind for a brief couple seconds. He face flushed red as Discord and the other creatures began to laugh at his embarrassment.

Still chuckling Discord exclaimed, “Don’t feel bad, Loki’s quite the temptress.”

Shining Armor grimaced, “So what exactly are you up to this time?”

Discord laughed, “Nothing nefarious I assure you, I’m just having a little get together with my counterparts from other worlds. We might have also distributed a lot of alcohol and drugs to the populace, but those are victimless crimes!”

Shining Armor was now curious, “Now what do you mean by counterparts?”

Discord smiled indulgently, “My counterparts are trickster gods from other worlds. You see every species needs deities that introduce a little anarchy and chaos. If not everyone’s lives would be so boring.”

Shining Armor blanched, “So you invited them to our world? One trickster god is more than enough; we can’t handle an entire group of them!”

Discord laughed, “Don’t worry they’ll be going home soon. But for now I thought it would fun to unite the crew while Princess Killjoy is out of the city.”

Shining Armor was happy to see that the royal guard had succeeded in clearing the streets. They didn’t need him and he was technically off duty. I might as well learn something interesting.

“So ummm, what exactly do trickster gods do when they get together?”

Discord chuckled indulgently, “Well we usually have contest’s to see who can summon the most frightening demon! It’s all a big game you see, the trickster who summons the demon that kills the most ponies’ wins!”

Shining Armor recoiled in shock, “What!”

Discord laughed, “Kidding of course, we like to play jokes, not kill.” His expression darkened for a moment, “Well except for that one time when we were really drunk.”

His expression quickly morphed back into his usual goofy sneer when he saw the look on Shining Armors face. “No, we usually just try and out prank each other. That or we make fun of our counterparts. Me, Loki, Set and Coyote were in the process of roasting Amansi, before you and your thugs barged in here!”

Shining Armor sighed, “Discord could you please tell your sketchy chaos friends to leave, I’m pretty sure they’ve been distributing drugs to the populace!”

Discord hooted, “Oh that is rich! Coyote you crazy bastard, were you giving out weird tribal drugs to unsuspecting ponies again?”

The creature that Discord was talking too smiled, and said something in his native language that caused Discord to raise his eyebrows and chuckle.

Shining Armor, stomped his foot down and yelled, “Discord, I swear to Celestia if you don’t get these beings out of here!”

Discord snapped his fingers and he was immediately dressed in the clothes a young colt would be wearing. He began to speak in a pleading voice, “Oh Gee whiz mister please don’t tell on me, I won’t do it again honestly!”

Discord continued to talk still in his colt clothes, “You’re a bad stallion, a very bad stallion and you keep thinking bad thoughts about me.”

Loki started to laugh and said in a somber voice, “Please son wish him into the cornfield!”

Shining Armor was clearly confused and Discord rolled his eyes. “You ponies really need to invent television; that last bit was from an episode of The Twilight Zone, not that you would ever appreciate such a clever reference!” Discord nodded gratefully to Loki, “Thank you for playing along!”

Loki answered back, “Well I owe you ever since you put a whoopee cushion on Odin’s throne, that was quite amusing!”
Shining Armor was clearly exasperated but was relieved when Discord looked at his friends and told them, “I think it’s time to part ways for now, good luck on that whole seizing the crown thing Loki!”

The other trickster gods nodded and exchanged goodbyes and then they all vanished from the room.

Shining Armor smiled gratefully at Discord, “Thanks’ for sending them home, I was really getting worried there!”

Discord chuckled, “I wouldn’t thank me just yet, Coyote gave the recipe for peyote to a bunch of ponies. I think Equestria’s going to have a drug lord problem soon!” Discord shook his head ruefully, “That Coyote needs rehab, poor fella keeps getting high ever since the majority of his worshippers got decimated by American Calvary!”

Shining Armor sighed, “Why do you torment the royal guard so much, you seem to enjoy pushing us as far as you can. You’re always bringing in random elements to this world and promoting crime.”

Discord smirked, “Pretty shocking that a pronounced god of chaos, brings anarchy with him isn’t it.”
Shining Armor’s eyes narrowed, “But there are so many other ways you could bring about chaos! I mean can’t you just leak stories about celebrities and politicians?”

Discords face grew serious as he posed a question, “Shining Armor what is the point of the royal guard?”

Shining Armor was aghast, “To serve and protect the ponies of Equestria, we work for a greater good!”

Discord shook his head, “Come on now, the guard can’t really protect Equestria better than me and four demi gods. If there was a threat great enough that the princesses and I couldn’t deal with it, there would be no chance of the royal guard handling it. I mean look at Tirek, you fought him with everything you had and he easily defeated you and your guards. It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t make any mistakes, you were just too weak for him at that point. So tell me again what is your purpose?”

Shining Armor sighed, “To act as a policing force and handle issues that are too menial for the princesses or you.”

Discord nodded sagely, “Yes that answer is correct. Your job is to handle small time criminals so that the princesses can focus on the bigger threats! Face it; if the land was orderly and there were no small crimes, then you would be all out of jobs!”
Shining Armor regarded Discord wearily, “What are you getting at?”

Discord looked at him and began to talk calmly, “After the Tirek incident there was much talk about dissolving the royal guard. Crime is very low in Equestria when compared to other lands. Ponies here are just too content in this land of harmony. Any big threats are taken down by the element bearers and the princesses. Any small threats were taken down by you and your guard. But with crime decreasing in the wake of the former bearers inspiring friendship and kindness across the land it was becoming very clear that the royal guard wouldn’t be needed anymore. Small time crime is on the decrease, it seems the only villains nowadays are ones that come straight out of a comic book with grandiose goals of world domination! These facts have given birth to the belief that the royal guard isn’t able to do anything to protect its citizens and is therefore an unnecessary expense for tax payers.”

Discord paused briefly and then continued his tirade.

“Now normally I would have been happy at this announcement. Soldiers are so orderly and boring. Their job is to be a conformist. But after what Twilight did for me, I realized I owed her and her family a lot. I needed to think of ways to repay you ponies!”
“So I decided to bring my trickster god friends to this land and every once in a while we’ll go out together sowing seeds of anarchy. We don’t promote things like terrorism but we do encourage small crime. Perhaps we slip a pony a drug recipe. Or maybe we manipulate a desperate pony to commit a robbery. We promote these crimes as for one they cause chaos and while I may be reformed I still need to mess up Celestias perfect little world once in awhile. The second reason I’ve started to encourage the dregs of society to rise up is so that the royal guard isn’t disbanded. With the increase in crime ponies are going to turn to the royal guard as it’s much easier to find a soldier than a goddess!”

Shining Armor was dumbfounded, “So you are responsible for the recent rise in crime? And you inadvertently committed these acts so that I can keep my job and title all because you feel you owe Twilight?”

Discord grinned, “Why not? It’s the perfect plan. I’m allowed to enjoy the chaos of small crimes being committed across the country. I also get to cause chaos that’s not directly tied to me and therefore I won’t have to worry about Twilight and company cracking down on me! Meanwhile I make it so you keep your job and the royal guard gets increased funding. It’s a win win scenario for me and you!”

Shining Armor was confused at what emotion he should be feeling right now. He should probably be angry that all the crime that was subtly being committed by Discord in a misbegotten attempt to help him. But at the same time he should also be grateful that Discords actions were keeping the royal guard afloat and creating jobs. Still it was a depressing thought that the only reason he still held a job was because of Discord.

Shining Armor sighed this was a really gray area. At least he’s only focused on doing small time crimes, I suppose Discord could be doing a lot of things that would be much more harmful. I should probably be happy that I have to only deal with stores being robbed and rowdy parties. Me and my guards can handle those situations much better then we could ever handle chocolate rain. If Discord feels compelled to cause chaos I should probably just be happy that this is the worst he plans on doing.

Shining Armor dipped his head to Discord, “I suppose I’m thankful. Although I hope you do know you are ruining some ponies’ lives by bringing new and illegal things into Equestria.”

Discord smiled, “But I’m also creating jobs, which means I’m doing better than most idiot politicians in this nation. I have to cause some chaos, be grateful that my chaos gives you honest work!”

And possibly kills ponies when they over indulge in the “treats” they are given by this mad go. Ahhhh, well he’s going to cause mischief no matter what I say. It’s up to ponies to be smart enough to make wise decisions. He smiled inwardly. And If they don’t, well I suppose I’ll be there to stop them!

Shining Armor sighed, “I suppose I appreciate the fact that you’ve made my job relevant. But could you please help clean up the part of the city that your party destroyed!”

Discord laughed, “Oh Shining Armor, the chaos I create is intended to give you work. Have your guard clean this mess up, and be grateful that you have been given this great opportunity to earn your pay by yours truly!

Discord waved before vanishing in a brilliant white flash, leaving behind a sputtering Shining Armor to clean up the massive mess.
Sighing Shining Armor began to sweep the floors, muttering to himself, “Still better then dealing with chocolate rain and soap roads!”