Public Relations Department

by ThePristineEye

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 7611

The first ever PR firm is established in Equestria. It quickly becomes the go to place for villains wanting an easier life.

Swift Justice and Cap Grass, two average ponies at least by Ponyville standards, open up Equestria's first ever public relations firm. They quickly discover the ponies in greatest need of PR are some of the Equestria's most feared villains.

So how will they go about the impossible task of fixing a super villian's public image? Answer: Rather poorly.

Published 2015-07-29 22:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-04 00:13:08 UTC

Chapter 1: First Customer Part 1

“Wow, this place is awesome!” Cap Grass exclaimed. His excitement was brought to a halt as his friend, Swift Justice, gave him a disapproving glare.

Swift Justice cleared his throat. “Ignore my friend here. This office space is in fact sufficient for our needs, but it does bring its price into question. I'm far from desperate, as there are quite a few options, What is your monthly fee?” Swift put on a fake smile, and looked toward the mare currently offering the real estate.

The salesmare looked at him blankly. “The rent will be two-hundred fifty bits a month plus utilities. However, the first month will cost you three-hundred fifty.”

Swift Blinked a few times digesting of what he just heard. “Did I just here you right? Two-fifty? Seems rather low.... Is there something you're not telling me?” He said with a hint of skepticism.

“Nothing that's not covered in the contract.” The pony continued her blank stare seeming rather disinterested in her customers.

“Sounds good to me where do I sign?” Cap blurted with his previous enthusiasm restored.

Before Swift Justice could interject, the mare had already pulled out a few documents in which Cap Grass eagerly skimmed. The mare handed him a pen when he seemed finished.

“I'll need you to sign here." The mare pointed toward a blank line in the middle of the document. Which he hastily signed. “And here, here, here and... here. I'll also need a sample of your blood. Yes, very nice. Don't forget to write the date right there.” As Cap Grass signed away his life, Swift couldn't help but cringe each time he heard the pen glide across the pages.

When it was all said and done, the mare pulled the documents away and motioned Cap to give her the pen back which he promptly spat out. “Looks like I'm your new landlord. Hope you enjoy your stay!” An evil grin. formed on her face. As she made her leave out the door, she couldn't help but let loose one of her evil cackles. Even when she was gone her laugh seemed to echo in the dark corners of the office space.

Swift used one of his wings to slap Cap in the back of the head. “Darn it, Cap. Didn't you say paperwork was suppose to me my responsibility? I am a Lawyer after all.”

“Correction, you were a lawyer. I mean, What's the worse that could have happened? it's not like I signed away my soul or anything.” Cap nonchalantly leaned against a nearby reception desk.

Swift continued to stare at him silently for a long uninterrupted amount of time. “Well, I don't know, I'll have to check the paperwork.” Swift simply shrugged and began to go to the kitchen portion of the rented office space.

Caps eyes widened for a moment then decided to catch up with his friend to the kitchen. “Wait, that's not actually a thing you can do, is it?” Swift did not answer only making Cap more uncomfortable.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two weeks had passed since they initially bought the office space. In the first week they had managed to get their signs printed and hung, the office organized, and the advertisements posted. The next week comprised mainly of them waiting. They really didn't know what to expect, but if Swift was right, they would be getting a customer soon. They had taken it upon themselves to start a business that would help ponies improve their public image. They figured that since nasty rumours spread like wildfire, that starting a company to prevent them would be a hit. Their sign simple stated: “Public Relations.” Cap did suggest a few witty tag lines, but his friend shot all of them down as he wanted this business to appear as professional as posssible.

At the moment, they were doing basically nothing. So far their investment seemed like a dud. With nothing better to do they resorted to staring at the ceiling fan, or playing with writing. They could have just left, but it was office hours and a customer could potentially pop in at any moment.

A knock came at the door. They all excitedly looked at the entrance for a moment, only to see their old friend, Violet, nervously walk through the open door.

“Hey guys! Heard you started a business, just wanted to check it out.” Violet looked around at their office. “Looks like you guys have quite the setup, any business yet?”

“No.” Both Swift and Cap said in tired unison then proceeded to engage in their bored activities

“Aw, that's a shame.” Violet smiled. “Hey, maybe I'll recommend some ponies. What is it you do again?”

Swift sat up in his reception chair. “We do Public Relations.”

“You do what now?”

“Public Relations.”

“And that is...?”

“You know, When somepony's moderately popular, like a celebrity, they might needs to improve their public image, perhaps to quell nasty rumours, or to prevent them in the first place.” Swift explained.

“Oh, you should really put that on your advertisements. I thought it was a clothes store.” Violet smiled warmly.

Swift put his face onto his hoof. “Why in the world would I open a clothes store of all places?” Swift said with a bit of bitterness in his voice.

“She's kinda right.” Cap interjected. “We should have used a tag line.”

“We are not using one your dumb tag lines! We're just going to describe our services better on the next run of the ad.”

Violet looked back and forth between the two of them. “Well, you two look busy. I'll be at my flower shop if you need anything.” She smiled and skipped out the door off to her business. Before her hoofsteps could fade into the distance, the two of them heard an ear shattering scream.

With ears stood up at full attention, Cap and Swift looked at each other nervously. Cap stood up form the lobby chair he was sitting in and slowly trotted to the door. He was just about to push it open when The door was slammed open smashing him against the wall

Standing in the doorway was none other than Nightmare Moon. If Justice hadn't spent nearly half an hour earlier in the restroom prior to her intrusion he may have soiled himself. Her slitted pupils stared directly at Swift, or rather, directly into him. He attempted to move but instead he was paralyzed with fear.

“We demand your advertised services!” Nightmare demanded

"W-well just to clarify, this isn't a clothes store and–"

A displeased frown furrowed her lips. “I know what this place is, I can read! If you do not comply, I will eat your first born child!”

Swift snapped out of his daze. “W–what was it you wanted? I should let you know, I am practically inedible, A–all bone no meat you see...”

“Fool! Was your advertised services to be cannibalized?” Swift shook his head left to right slowly as Nightmare continued to eye him. “Then why would you suggesting I'd do that in the first place?”

Cap had managed to pry himself from the wall and decided to take a rest on the floor. “I mean, you did threaten to eat his children and all.” he said from his spot on the floor.

“Another Fool! How would I eat his children if I killed him before he could even having any?” Nightmare was momentarily surprised that somepony else was in the room, but addressed him without flinching or even looking at him.

“That is assuming I don't already have children.”

“Oh shut it, I can smell the virginity wafting off of you. It smells of dead catfish and lemonade.”

“Hold on, I'm not a–”

Swift was cut short by his friend. “Dude, that thing in College, it didn't count.”

“I'm pretty sure it does.”

“I'm pretty sure it doesn't. Right, Moonbutt?”

“It doesn't count.” Nightmare Moon acknowledged his place on the ground with a death stare. “Don't call me 'Moonbutt.'”

“See, look. Even an evil immortal goddess feared by the seventh layer of Tartarus agrees with me. It doesn't count.”

“She doesn't even know what we are talking about! How could she even make that judgment?”

“Oh, I know.”

“How?”

“It's really quite obvious.”

“Gah!” Swift slammed his head into the desk. “I'm done with the line of conversation! You can't just barge in here, threaten to eat my children, and start talk about my psex life!”

“These weren't my original intentions! I simply came here for your advertised services.” Nightmare slammed a hoof into the ground causing a momentary earthquake. It would have startled the two of them if they weren't already eye to eye with one of the most feared pony in all of existence.

Swift blinked a few times still trying to digest what he was just told.”Y–you want us, to improve your... P.R?”

“Have I not been saying this the entire time?” Nightmare stepped forward and sat in the chair facing the reception desk. “We have recently attained our own body, no longer confined by the short blue weakling. Our attempt to dominate the world has been met with lukewarm success and I have come to the conclusion that my only option is to lead a normal life, but I can't do that when every other day some no name ponies try to disintegrate you with spells and ancient artifacts!”

The room was silent for a moment with the exception of a small pendulum clock.

Cap picked himself off the ground. “Wooh! First customer!”

“Are you crazy, we can't just give our services to a pure amalgamation of evil! That'd make us evil by proximity!” Swift conjectured.

Cap shrugged. “It's not like we have much of a choice. Plus, she all, like, reformed or something.”

“Bite me.” Nightmare snarled.

“See? If she was still evil, I probably would have already been decapitated.” Cap had walked himself to the other side of the reception desk and leaned on his partner's shoulder while keeping his vision on Nightmare. “Cool teeth, by the way.”

“Oh, for the love of Celestia.” Swift put both hoofs to his face and groaned while resisting the urge to curl up into a ball. “What have I gotten myself into?”

Author's Note

Apologies for the cliffhanger. Part two of this arc will be posted next week.

Jan. 24, 2017: Minor Rewrite.

Chapter 2: New Customer Part 2

After some talk of payment and a few papers were signed, the three of them had moved themselves to the conference room in the rented office space. They had all taken their seats, Nightmare sat in the chair that was directly in front of a large white board while Swift Justice sat in the seat to her right and Cap Grass to her left.

The room had soon filled with silence. Swift Justice taped his hoofs rhythmically on the table as he sat in his seat trying his best to avoid Nightmare's gaze at all cost, while Cap Grass took a completely different approach by instead staring directly at Nightmare Moon almost ogling her.

Nightmare took in a sharp breath. “I am not fond of this drivel. If you two are to continue this nonsense, you wouldn't mind if I perhaps indulge in a snack?” Nightmare horn lit up for a moment and with a flash a kitten popped into existence. The immortal goddess began to lick her lips. Both of them went wide eyed at the implication. Cap quickly pulled the kitten toward him in a hug.

“You can't just eat a kitten. It's a living thing!” Cap snuggled the gray kitten and tightened his hug around the feline.

“I created it, I can do whatever I want with it.” Nightmare motioned her hoofs. “Now, give me the kitten.”

“No!”

“I command it!”

“Never!”

Nightmare looked toward Swift. “You seem slightly more intelligent than your grounded partner, talk some sense into him.”

“W-what!? I'm not going to let you eat a kitten, that probably falls under animal mistreatment!” Swift then sighed inwardly. “It is true, however, that the kitten belongs to you, so...”

"Swift, you can't be-”

“Did you not hear Nightmare Moon? She just threatened to kill you! Do you really want to risk your life for a damn kitten?”

Cap muttered something under his breath then reluctantly loosened his grip around the kitten and set it on the table. Nightmare levitated the cat in front of her and began to pet it. The kitten purred softly and curled up into a ball as she continued to pet it.

"So, you' gonna, you know...?” Cap asked hesitantly.

“What?” A small amount of outrage was carried in her voice. “I'm not a savage, it has yet to be skinned!”

Swift gulped audibly. He knew that she could probably skin that kitten in five seconds flat if she was given the chance. “You know what, how about we get down to business?” Swift put on a forced smile. “We should first tackle the obvious and easiest ways to improve public interactions, your clothes.”

“I don't like what you're implying,” Nightmare said sourly.

“Well, the first step towards amending your image can quite literally be changing your image.” Swift explained. “Sometimes even something as simple as a new hat can put you into a whole new light, and well... you kind of look like you're about to enter a battlefield.”

“Of course I'm wearing defensive regalia, you fool!” Nightmare huffed “Every time I go out to buy milk, I get shot by big rainbow lasers!”

Cap shook his head. “If the armor was helping with the lasers, it'd stand to reason that you wouldn't come for our services, correct?”

She growled under her breath. “It helps.” She protested.

“With what exactly?” Cap pressed.

“Fine!” she snapped at him. “We shall get new attire, but none of that garbage I see most of you shills floundering around in. I expect nothing less than perfection!”

After an unsuccessful interaction with one of the local dressmakers, Swift and Cap opted to instead go to the local Mares Warehouse. Nightmare Night was approaching so along with their normal selection they had a few costumes in the corner by the front door. Cap had jokingly placed a sombrero atop Nightmare's head. Nightmare stood unamused as the kitten she had summoned slept soundly on her back.

“It's perfect.” Cap said, sarcastically as he marveled at Nightmare's head.

“It's perfect if I was attempting to seduce your birth giver,” Nightmare said bitterly. “Now remove this thing from my head before I compress this kitten into a small, fleshy marble.”

“Okay, Jeez. chill out, will ya?” He had to stand on his tip of his hoofs, but he was able to knock the hat off her head and onto the mahogany floor. He didn't bother picking it up as he figured somepony else would eventually.

Swift looked around the store ignoring their banter. “Let's see... they've got dresses, tuxedos, casual wear, and even a nice selection of horseshoes. Where do we get started?”

“I am two heads taller than the average pony, how do you expect to find attire that will fit me in such a dinky general store?”

“Of course they have stuff that'll fit you.” Cap blurted. “Celestia has recently been making unannounced visits with her student living here and all. Some store owners have this ridiculous fear that they'll be placed in a guillotine if they can't propely serve Princess Celestia.”

“That's not that ridiculous,” Nightmare stated. “Celestia use to chop off heads left and right. We didn't have iceboxes back then and a fresh head was necessary for most of the popular sports back then.” Nightmare reminisced for a moment. “Ponies who didn't pay their taxes for four months always had the bounciest of heads.”

Now mentally disturbed, the two of them began to skim the aisles with Nightmare not far behind. At the time, Nightmare had no real interest in clothes and let the two choose outfits for her, but would immediately toss aside the ones that were too pink or had too much branding. After skimming the whole store they held a total of four outfits. With the outfits chosen they moved themselves to the dressing rooms. Usually an assistant stood there ready to unlock a room of your choosing, instead all that was left was a pair of keys and a small puddle on the floor. Nightmare put down her lunch kitten, picked up the keys, and chose the dressing room that was closest. The door shut leaving the two stallions to do their own bidding.

Time passed as they sat idly making sure the cat didn't wander. “Wait a minute,” Swift said. “Why do we need dressing rooms? Aren't we already naked?”

Cap shrugged. “Maybe it's more of a presentation kind of thing, like how they lift the curtains at a play.”

Before they could converse further, The dressing room doors swung open with a bang. Nightmare stood in the archway donning a white button up shirt with a black Blazer and a matching black tie. “Out of your pitiful excuses for 'clothes,' I have decided this particular outfit one is the most befitting of me. Now serf, hand me my lunch cat so we may leave.” Cap set the cat on her back and she began to trot toward the exit.

Swift blocked her path. “Hold on there, we can't just leave. We need to pay first.”

“No shit Sherclop, just throw a few bits on the floor for them to scrape up later.” She shifted her gaze to the seemingly empty store. “They hardly deserve a sixteenth of a bit as they've been avoiding us this entire time!” She hoped to garner the attention of the hiding employees and got a few shuffle from behind the counters as a response.

With the bits tossed on the ground, they made their exit.

“Rarity was right. Nightmare Moon is back, again!”

Instead of being met by the previously empty streets, they were instead met by six ponies standing in a semicircle blocking the store's entrance. A purple unicorn wearing a tiara stood front and center and slightly closer to the trio then the rest. A look of angry determination was present on her face as she stared down Nightmare Moon.

“Nightmare Moon, you have terrorized this town for long enough! With the power of friendship, we shall vanquish you!”

Cap nickered. “Well that's not very friendly.”

Nightmare stepped forward looking irritable and angry. “Terrorize? I wasn't aware that shopping for clothes was considered terrorism. I've not been trying to bring about eternal night for the past week, what more do you want?”

A blue pegasus in the group spoke out.“Don't listen to her, Twilight. She's probably just trying to manipulate us again!”

The purple unicorn nodded in approval. Suddenly a bright light began emanate from their jewelry. As this occurred they began to levitate an inch in the air and the purple pony's eyes went bright with the same light. With little warning a gigantic rainbow shot out from them slamming into Nightmare Moon. Nightmare rolled her eyes as she quickly became a pile of dust. All that was left in her place was a sleeping gray kitten caked in ash. The six of them looked exhausted but simultaneously relieved.

“You two are free from her control! live, love, enjoy life!” A white coated mare said melodramatically. The six of them walked off and chatted about the weather as it was just another Saturday. Swift sat on the ground awestruck by the immense power of the blast. His emotions were muddled and he couldn't decide whether or not what happened was a good or bad thing.

Back in the office's conference room, Swift sat in one of the many chairs and sulked while Cap stood near him and sipped a cup of unsweetened coffee. The pendulum clock could be heard ticking in sync with the kitten grating its claws against the carpet.

“Dude, chill out, it's not the end of the world.” Cap said trying to comfort his friend. “It's kind of the opposite all things considered.”

“Maybe so, but It sure as hell is the end of this business!” Swift snapped. “Having our first customer disintegrated by rainbow lasers doesn't exactly look good on the records, now does it?”

Cap patted Swift on the back “I'm sure if you tell our next potential customers our first customer was Nightmare Moon, they might give us a little leeway.”

Swift shrugged him off. “With how business has been going, we'll be lucky to get another customer before our rent is due. You know damn well that that landlord isn't going to give us an extension on the first month.”

“Maybe it's just not meant to be.” Cap sighed and again sipped his coffee. “We can always just go back to our previous careers. I can go back to that, uh, acting thing, and you can go back to Lawyering, or whatever.” Cap soon realized he'd slipped up and quickly corrected himself. “Right, you don't have a license thingy anymore. Well, I'm sure there's a career out there somewhere for somepony like you.”

“I suppose you're right.” Swift leaned back in his chair. “No idea why I had such high expectations for this business. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.”

“Eh, looking back, maybe it was little weird to try and profit off others' social lives.” Cap took a sip of his coffee, gagged, and then immediately spit it out. The sudden horrid taste of the coffee had caused him to accidentally send the mug hurdling toward the floor. It shattered into several pieces as the liquid once contained in the mug now slowly seeped into the carpet.

“Gee, thanks, Grasshead,” Swift said still in a foul mood. “That's going to be a pain in the flank to clean you know.”

“Hey, don't blame me. You're the one who buys coffee grounds that taste like burnt hair and turpentine.” Before the two could continue their bickering their attention soon drifted to the black stain in the ground. The liquid lifted itself from the ground and started to change its brownish hue to a dark blue. With a flash and a bang the recently thought deceased Nightmare dropped to where the coffee stain once was crushing a few stray ceramic shards under her hoofs.

“I want a refund,” she declared.

“Refund? You haven't even paid us yet!” Swift stated defensively. “Furthermore, what are you doing in my coffee?”

“Fool, My presence alone should be more than sufficient payment!” Nightmare stared at Swift and stepped forward crushing even more ceramic under her hoofs. “For your coffee, I can only assume it was made of black magic, as when I die I reform at the closest pool of it.”

“Who would've thought the branding was literal. I know what brand of coffee I'm not going to be buying again anytime soon.” Swift thought to himself.

“Hey,” Cap nudged Swift's shoulder. “If Nightmare Moon was in my coffee, does that mean I tasted her?” Cap continued to nudge his shoulder. “Heh, you know what I'm sayin'?” His nudging continued as Swift slowly put his face into his hoofs. “I guess you could say I drank her right up. My tongue was all ove—“

“Shut your insolent mandibles!” Nightmare's horn glowed for a brief moment and with a familiar flash Cap's mouth vanished from his features. For a moment he was confused but as he realized what had transpired he panicked and began to roll around on the floor clawing at his muzzle.

Swift looked at his friend with concern. “You know, I think he might need that to breath.”

“Ugh, a mouth breather. Disgusting.” Another flash and Cap's mouth returned. He was about to continue with his antics but stopped when he caught a menacing glare from the unamused alicorn.

Swift reflected on the situation. The proposition of a refund was ridiculous since it'd likely mean they'd lose their first and only customer and also that Nightmare owed them money for the new clothes he paid for with his own savings. The best option would probably to drop down onto his knees and relentlessly beg for another chance. No, wait. She's evil, I think. Evil ponies can't resist a good bet. I'm not much of a gambler, but...

“How about we make a deal.” Nightmare's ear's perked up letting Swift know his theory might be correct. “I doubt we'll make any real progress with those six background ponies breathing down our necks. If I can't get them off your back by next week, I'll give you your refund'. If I'm successful then you have to continue to be our customer throughout the entire span of our contract.”

Nightmare rubbed her chin for a moment, but she didn't need long to ponder her answer. “You've got yourself a deal, but only to give my inevitable refund more value. By next week you won't even have enough money to pay for your free health care!”

Author's Note

This chapter was intended to be about the same length as the last one and was suppose to end their interaction with Nightmare Moon, but it was just too much content to cram into such a small space. Expect a rather short chapter next time, or not, I'm not very reliable.

Chapter 2 1/2: First Customer Part 3

“-and that is how a pair of dice reflects the nature of life.”

With her ending remarks, the entire classroom erupted with the sound of cheering and the thundering of hooves hitting the thin floorboards. Some of her classmates even gave a standing ovation to her presentation.

“Thank you, Appleteeny for providing a sufficient state mandated show and tell presentation. Your ability to construct a meaningless narrative about a cheap pair of dice will be quintessential for your success as a future tax paying citizen.” The teacher briefly looked down at a clipboard on her desk. With a pencil in her telekinetic grab she made a small mark on the sheet before looking back up. “Swift Justice, it is your turn. If you do not comply, you will be given an F. This F may result in you becoming homeless, drug addicted, or worse, an art student.”

Swift got up from his desk with his saddlebag gripped in his teeth and trotted to the front of the classroom. With all eyes on him, he began to sweat. He leaned the saddlebag against the front of the teacher's desk and pulled out a small darkly stained wooden hammer.

“T-this is my dad's old gavel. He got a new one and gave this to me, and, um...” He was about to continue before he noticed every colt and filly in the room looked as if they were either holding their breath, or repressing a curl at the end of their lips. It seemed from every corner of the room there was the sound of suppressed laughter and giggling.

“What?” Swift looked all over, behind him, at the teacher, and finally he looked toward his flank. Covering his rump and cutiemark was a starch white pair of underpants. The previously restrained laughter started bubbling up and growing into full blown hysteria, not even the teacher held back.

Swift grew confused, and nervous. “This doesn't make any sense!” His voice barely pierced the surrounding laughter. Swift forced his eyes shut. He wanted to curl up into a ball, but his rationality prevailed. “I'm wearing more clothes than most of you!”

Suddenly, the laughter stopped. Swift peeked through the cracks of his eyelids. The previously crowded classroom was now empty except for the unicorn teacher who was frozen in place still in her pose of hysteria. Swift's ears perked up at the echoing sound of hoofs against tile growing louder. The entrance door to the classroom door was slowly and elegantly opened by a blue aura. From the door entered none other than the princess of the night herself, Princess Luna.

“Fear not pony, We have only come to quell your nightmares and hopefully not exemplify them.”Luna casually scanned the room and lit her horn for a moment before gazing toward Swift. “The dark energies here are strong. Subject, you wouldn't by happenstance have come into contact with enchanted jewelry, evil goddesses, or aged dairy products, would you?”

Swift nervously rubbed the back of his temple. “Erm, maybe a bit of all three?”

Before Luna could prod him any further, the laughter that flooded the room earlier came back, but only from one source, the teacher. When she realized the room was all but silent but her, the teacher looked around the room in confusion before finally resting her gaze on Luna. The happy mood the teacher previously held quickly soured.

“You dare disturb my masterfully crafted nightmare! This dream was absolutely essential for, um, character development. Now Swift here will forever be an idiot thanks to you.”

Luna's horn began glowing again yet nothing seemed to happen as a result. Luna trotted toward the unicorn mare suspiciously with her horn still lit. “And what exactly was this all important lesson you were attempting to teach? That wearing undergarments in public is more shameful than nudity?”

The teacher got out of her seat and steadily backed up from the alicorn looking threatened in the process. “Er, um, no. It was a metaphor for, um... solidarity?”

Luna shook her head in disappointment. Finally, her lit horn fired a spell which made a quick flash. The whole room melted away turning into a dark void without any point of reference for what direction was up. Not only did the room melt away, so did the teacher, but instead of disappearing, she was instead replaced by the tall, dark blue alicorn, Nightmare Moon.

“What the hell Nightmare! Did you read the contract? There was a clause specifically stating the contract would be void If any mind manipulating magic was used!” Swift narrowed his gaze of Nightmare who seemed unfazed by his statement as her vision was still locked onto Luna.

“Firstly, I didn't read the contract. Secondly, I didn't even sign the contract. I just scribbled nonsensically on on the line and put a dot at the end.”

“That counts!”

“Bull crap! I've done that for years to void many peace treaties, it doesn't count!”

“No I've done that to void peace treaties, you curd!” Luna interjected. “We don't know what is going on here, and We don't want to know, We are however obligated to destroy you, Nightmare Moon.” Luna looked toward Swift. “And throw you in prison for your apparent association with this terrorist.”

“I'm not a terrorist!” Nightmare defended. “The last time I blew something up, I was a part of you, Luna.”

“Well, you were the one who wanted to blow things up, Nightmare. I was essentially a bystander.”

“That's a lie and you know it. You wanted to blow things up equally, if not more than I did.”

“That's it!” Luna spawned a sword from thin air and held it up to Nightmare's neck. “We are sick of your mind games! En garde!”

“Nope!” With a flash from her horn, Nightmare created a portal, and before Luna could act, Nightmare jumped through the portal and disappeared. Luna stretched her hoofs prepping herself to follow after her evil counterpart.

“Wait! What am I suppose to do?” Swift called out.

“It's a dream, do whatever, go flying, it doesn't matter.” Luna jumped through the ethereal passageway which closed immediately behind her.

"But I'm a pegasus, I can already fly!" He called out to the now even more empty void around him.

Swift had never been that creative, at least not in an artistic sense, so lucid dreaming had never been his cup of tea. Alone with no ideas, Swift began to kick at the ground of questionable existence. Heeding the princesses words, Swift willed a book into existence and flipped to the first page. He then realized that reading in a dream was impossible, so he angrily tossed the book a few feet and decided to take a nap. He then realized that a nap in a dream made no sense and was also impossible, so instead he decided the best course of action was to roll around miserably until the dream ended.

Two ponies wearing blue and yellow jumpsuits stood on stage. Standing on a false balcony, the two of them looked out onto a watercolor horizon.

“Who would have thought that the apocalypse would make the sunset even more beautiful,” The pony on the right said.

“Yes, and who would have thought the sunset would make your eyes all the more beautiful,” The one on the left said. They each made eye contact with each other as their muzzles grew closer and-

“Just bucking kiss already!” Cap yelled from the empty stands as he noisily munched on a bucket of white chips. “You've been teasing it for, like, half an hour. Just do it!”

With little to no warning, a portal opened up in the empty space above the stage. From the portal two darkly hued alicorns ungracefully flew out, landing center stage with the two stage actors breaking their fall. They both stood up and assumed a fighting stance. The odd occurrence reinvigorated Cap's interest in the happenings on stage. So instead of intervening, he instead leaned back into his chair further and happily munched on his snack to watch the events play out

“Apologies Nightmare, but outrunning this fight isn't an option. We will fight, and we will kill you,” Luna said again spawning her ethereal blade once again.

“I swear, it's always fighting and melodrama with you. Also, your use of the royal 'we' was both confusing and made you sound like an idiot.” Nightmare yanked out a wooden panel from the ground and used her magic to instantly fashion it into a razor sharp blade. “With your intelligence in question, killing you might be easier than expected.”

“Whoo! Cat fight with swords!” Cap hollered from his seat.

The fight began with Luna immediately taking the offensive by striking hard and fast. Nightmare could do nothing but parry the blows. Luna went for a jab and with no way to parry, Nightmare swatted the blade with her left hoof. Nightmare saw her opening and immediately thrust her sword forward. Before the blade could make contact with Luna's skin, it poofed out of existence in a tuft of blue aura. With Nightmare defenseless, Luna realigned her blade and heaved her incorporeal blade into Nightmare's chest.

“Ack! You filthy cheater, you stabbed me!” Nightmare felt her new found wound as the ghostly blade slowly dissipated from the cavity.

“You sure whine a lot for a simple scratch,” Luna said plainly.

“Uh huh, a scratch I can fit my whole bucking hoof into! See?” Nightmare stuck her hoof into her chest wound and it began squirting matte black goo. She then began to move her hoof around creating a steady sloshing sound.

“Stop that,” Luna protested while holding down her gag reflex.

Nightmare ignored Luna's discomfort and continued. She began to insert and reinsert her hoof which created the sound of wet flatulence.

“Please, for the love of Xenu, Stop doing that.”

“It's my chest wound, I can do whatever I want with it,” Nightmare said as she continued to fiddle with her insides. “In fact, I think this is a good place for my house keys.”

“As the creator of that particular wound, I can dictate what happens to it and I say leave it alone!” Luna commanded.

“It's my body, you can't dictate what I do with it!” Nightmare stopped playing with her hole and threw a punch at Luna's face which she just barely dodged. Soon the two of them were rolling around on the floor exchanging punches, biting each other, puling at each other's hair, and whatever else they could pull off that could inflict harm on each other.

From the stands Cap watched fully amused. His friend Swift walked walked up to Cap's right and also watched the fight in full amusement.

“Hey Swift, how's it going? You do something with your hair?” Cap asked between the loud crunching sound of his snack between his teeth.

“Cap, I'm in a pair of tighty whities, and I'm eight years old.”

Oh, didn't notice. So, what brings you here?”

“I got bored of my dream so I decided to pop in to see what I was missing. I'll admit, I am not disappointed”

“Yeah, you know, cat fights aren't usually my kinda thing, but this is kinda hot.”

Swift sat in the closest empty seat. “Yeah, I guess you can't go wrong in a battle between two eternally young immortal goddesses.” Swift shifted around in his seat briefly. “Though, I got to wonder; If this is all a dream, doesn't this make all the fighting effectively pointless?”

Cap shrugged Then stuffed a hoofful of white chips into his mouth . “Yeah, probably.”

“Hey, whatcha eatin'?” Swift asked casually.

Cap looked down at his snack bucket. “Eggshells.”

“Why?”

“No idea. They kinda taste like marshmallows.”

The night for the two stallions was far from satisfactory. Despite getting a full night's rest, they felt exhausted from what transpired in their dreams. They lacked the usual awake awareness they usually held and instead moved and acted like zombies. Despite their apparent exhaustion, they still went to work and currently sat in their office conference room waiting for their first, and most recent client who arrived on the dot at eleven-thirty with some reluctance in her step. She sat down in a chair adjacent to the two businessmen.

Swift cleared his throat. “Even if it occurred in a dream, you have declared your contract false. Due to this, I have no obligation to continue servicing you unless you sign a new contract with a full, genuine signature.” Swift pushed a new recently scribed document toward the black mare and hoofed her a pen.

Nightmare scowled. In the end, she signed the contact. A part of her actually enjoyed her time with the two stallions. It was especially amusing to play around with their emotions.

Author's Note

I could hardly find the time to work on this so I posted half a chapter.
I wrote this and posted this while extremely plastered. If you see any grammatical issues that were glossed over, pointing them out is always appreciated.
Might not post anything new for at least 2 1/2 weeks as I've been rather busy as of late and coming up with legitimately funny jokes takes some mulling over.

Chapter 3: First Customer Part 4

“So Luna won't be able to find us unless she's within a twenty-one kilometer radius you say?” Swift questioned Nightmare. His mind soon recalled old news he had gotten. “So that gives us until Nightmare Night, exactly six days 'till our contracts deadline, how convenient.”

“Why twenty-one kilometers? seems oddly specific. Why not a more rounded number?” Cap added unhelpfully.

“Oh, I don't know, it's the legal drinking age in--” Nightmare gave up on her sarcastic reply. “I don't bucking know! It's magic!”

“Jeez, you don't have to go popping a blood vessel, just curious,” Cap said. The kitten, which was now unfortunately named Lunch, suddenly jumped on the table in front of Cap and invited him to pet her, which he happily obliged.

“Honestly, we probably have less than a week. If Luna can't find any of us in a week than she's more inept that I thought.” Nightmare pondered.

“Right then,” Swift said with a thin layer of enthusiasm. “Then not a moment to waste. Firstly, I'd think it'd be best if we issued an apology letter to that purple pony and her friends, then we can--”

“An apology letter? I didn't do anything, not this time at least. Why should I apologize?”

“No, I never said you had to apologize, I said you have to write an apology letter. It's more of a formality and ultimately means nothing, but it can really save face and it can only do good for a public image, that is, if it's written well.” Swift stood up and pulled a pen and parchment from a supply cabinet behind him then set the items on the table in front of the black alicorn. “Surely you've written one before, you can dodge a lot of regulations with one written well enough.”

“Don't need to dodge regulations when you're the pony making them.” Nightmare popped the cap off the pen and readied the paper in front of her. “Last thing I remember writing was some guide on proper torture methods I think.”

“It wasn't that one bound in pony skin and had a whole chapter on quick spinal removal methods, was it?” Cap asked.

“Well, I had to include that chapter, or else the chapter on non-conventional torture weaponry would have made no sense.”

“Oh, well, writing an apology letter is very similar to explaining how to remove a spine,” Swift said without even listening to his own words. “Wait, just without the, um... spine removal part. Just keep it friendly, informal, and brief.”

“Hmm, alright, but its a waste of time if you ask me.” She began to scribble away on the sheet of paper. She wrote in a very concise and uniform cursive that was borderline print quality. Despite claiming never writing a letter of this sorts, her words flowed onto the paper with ease. She was finished with the letter within a matter of minutes. “Done.” she stated plainly as she placed the final period and tossed the pen aside.

Swift took the letter in his own hoofs for review and began reading aloud. “Dear Twilight Sparkle, Despite the fact I've wanted nothing more but to pull out your entrails and spread them acro-- Oh no, just, no. what did I say about being friendly? That is the complete opposite of what this kind of letter entails.” Swift lectured.

“Oh please, you hardly read the introduction. I go on to much more pleasantries later on.”

Swift's eyes scanned over the document. “No, you don't! The rest of this letter reads like a terrorist's bomb threat!”

Nightmares composure shifted from a nonchalant stance to an offended one in a blink of an eye. “How many times do I have to say this, I'm not a ruddy terrorist!”

“Then stop sounding and acting like one!” Swift eloquently folded the letter then spread a wing. With one swift movement of his cartilage appendage the folded up letter went flying over to the dustbin across the room. A pleasant kind of business grin crept onto Swift's lips “How about I write up the letter, and you just sign it.”

Nightmare, seeing as the earlier thing about terrorists had passed, relaxed a bit in her chair then simply shrugged. “If it means less work for me, then so be it.” She then looked at her wrist as if checking the time. She didn't have a watch, so the gesture may have seemed pointless, and it was, unless she was checking the direction and size of her fur's shadow but that'd also be pointless since she was indoors “I have to go home and take out the garbage before eight o' clock. I'll be back, eventually.” Without any further words she got up from her seat and exited the room giving them an out of place polite nod on her way out.

Swift had procured another piece of parchment and was already scribbling hardly readable chicken scratch onto it. Swift began to regret his decision to let her leave as he forgot how ridiculous it was to write with your mouth. You'd think with years of practice your mouth writing would improve, but it never did. Pony jaws just don't have that much dexterity.

Cap stared at the door and rubbed his chin. “Something about her was off, she seemed slightly more pleasant. I mean, last time she exited that door she broke the hinges. What do you think she meant by garbage?”

Swift continued to scribble away, hardly giving his friend a glance. “It's garbage day, so she probably meant garbage.”

“Oh, but she put some weird emphasis on the word garbage and you emphasis that word if you actually mean something else; like a dead body. Does she even have a house here? You'd think I'd hear about that.”

“Your imagination is getting the better of you Cap. In any case, the less I hear about it the better. I can't imagine a dead body would do much good for her publicity.”

“Well, we gotta make sure she disposes of it properly or else--”

Swift put down the pen and began rubbing his temples. “Look, Cap, I don't think Nightmare Moon has a dead body in her house,” Swift asserted, “and I'm not going to follow her around all day to find out. If you're so inclined feel free, but I just want to finish this letter so we can move onto something more important.” Swift looked at the paper he had written on, crumpled it up, then gave it a wing slap into the dustbin.

Author's Note

Felt that I have been silent a bit too long, so I released a chunk. It's small and likely riddled with issues. But hey, something is better than nothing.