You Only Live Twice

Chapters

Friends in Low Places
Boldly Going
Van Down by the River
Obligatory Party
Pendulums and Ponies
Of Men and Magic
Final Comments from the Author

Friends in Low Places

Author's note: There will be much more authors notes in this story as it is a more of an experimental story than most. The story I really care about is Jedi Exile and I will continue to give that story attention. However, it is a shameless love of mine for some self inserts so I want to try my hand at it. I am going to attempt to update this more often as a writing exercise and to test the waters for how shipping works with my writing style. Here goes nothing.

The facts are these: I am one Edward Anderson, College flunkee. It wasn't that I'm dumb, it is simply that being smart and being good at college are not the same thing. There are sorrority girls with 4.0s that couldn't tell you how a TV works. I know it is a little unfair and that "her knowledge is in other areas than mine", but I tend to get a little annoyed that I can do triple integration in spherical coordinates while she writes papers on how cutting down trees are bad. But I digress.

I am on my way to the middle of nowhere Washington (State. If it was Washington D.C. I would say Washington D.C.) for my job. It is a strange thought a person has when they see their entire life fit inside a mini-van. Let it be known that I rock the Mini-van. If I had a choice, I would stay in Seattle, but that isn't quite important right now.

Currently, I am plummeting to my inevitable doom with my wallet in my mouth. Granted, I was heading through the mountains during an earthquake. You know the saying about the fall not being the thing that kills you, but the landing? Well, it gives you time to see your life flash before your eyes. I saw my family of two older brothers and parents growing up, various choir performences, and, for some reason, the time I pissed on my apartment building when I was really drunk. I thought of my girlfriend of 4 years and whispered a silent prayer for her.

The earthquake must have been a doozy because there was an actual crevice in the ground. The maw of the ground opened before me as I drove over the guard rail and down the cliff face and into the earth. The last thing I remembered was the taste of my leather wallet. And to think that I just got paid.

There was a flash of light and I was on a pier. There was a sickly green ambient lighting in a circle around the pier and the tiny bit of shore. the rest of existence was simply black. There was a tall man in a worn suit several decades out of place holding an absurdly large oar. I must have surprised him because he jumped back with a rather feminine squeak.

"By the Beard of Zeus man! Don't sneak up on someone like that!" He attempted to recover "In any case, It'll be twenty bucks." He held out his hand expectantly.

"Mff?" I didn't realize I still had my wallet in my mouth. "Sorry, what? Where am I?"

"Styx!" He pointed with the oar to the water.

"Excuse me? Wait...The River Styx!?"

"No, the band! Of course the river!"

"T-then you must be...Charon...The Ferryman of the Dead..." I said as strength left my voice.

"The one and only!" he said with a gaunt and toothy grin.

"Wait, don't you only take people across who have been buried and had money... in their..." I looked at the wallet in my hand. "Mouth." I suppose I was technically buried. I decided to make some small talk. It wasn't like i was going anywhere. "so how did you get roped into this job?"

Charon laughed "It is a long story."

"Well I'm dead so I got time"

This made Charon chuckle "Right you are! Well take a seat! I have not enjoyed anybody's company since that boy Percy went to visit his uncle!"

Charon delved into a wild story of betrayal and intriuge that rivled the epics of Homer. Oh, and don't get him started on Homer. Apparently Charon gave him a good whoopin with his paddle for the schennanigains that poet wrote. And Dante too apparently. Time sped by as he regailed story after story of historical figures pleading for their lives, offering money they were not buried with. Finally, after what was probably days of recounting stories spanning millenia, I popped the inevitable question.

"So what happens now?"

"You pay me and I ferry you to the other side."

I looked at my wallet and took note of exactly how much I had with me. "I'll tell you what, I've got fifty dollars right here if you take me someplace else. The Fields of Judgement aren't quite my thing."

He glanced back and fourth before leaning in "What if I told you that the River Styx flows through many places and that I hold a weency bit more sway in the mortal world than I let on?" A sly smile touched his lips.

"I'm listening..."

"Suppose that there is this place," Charon put his arm on my shoulder and gestured towards the darkness. "Ponies! Ponies everywhere!"

"Wait... what?"

"It's a sweet place that is SO much better than Earth." He had a smug grin plastered on his face. "Oh, and you will be alive again."

"Charon you magnificent bastard!" And that is when I bro-fisted the son of a primordial deity.

"You are an allright guy, Edward. Because I am first contact to the realm of the dead, I meet every person who dies with a bit of change in their mouth. But you are the first one to try to get to know me. And for that, you get to live."

"even after that stunt Napoleon pulled? I woulda let that guy live."

"Almost did, the feisty little bugger." We both shared a laugh.

He then closed his eyes for a second and breathed deeply. He muttered ancient syllables before opening his eyes back up.

"There! done!"

"No glowy colors?"

"Is that what you were expecting?"

"Well...kinda."

"This isn't Hollywood human. However, you are now alive!"

"EPIC! For that you are getting all of my money! here! take it!" I handed over $2,000 cash. "That is all of my money, and you, sir, deserve it!"

Charon gave his signature grin and took the money swiftly. "For two thousand dollars I'll ferry you across with your car."

"My car?"

"Well you were buried with it. so you do get to keep it. I'll even throw in these here outlets. They will work on magic so you can keep your precious computer"

"Charon, This is the beginning of a long and beneficial relationship"

"Time will tell, mortal."

With that, I stepped into the ferry where my car had, at some point, appeared. We shoved off upstream, telling each other dirty jokes along the way.

Author's Note:
I swear that ponies will be involved soon. I just kinda hammered this one out. I needed to get all of my plot devices together so I can begin an adventure including, but not limited to: Awkward moments, Sarcastic remarks, More mythology, and, of course, Sexual tension. no clop, all funny. This story is for my guilty pleasure of HiE romance/slice of life stories. I guess other people can read it too...

Boldly Going

Note:
Once again I am writing this for my own guilty pleasure and to test the waters to see if I can ship worth a hill-o-beans. Any and all "that doesn't seem reasonable" comments will be promptly ignored. This story is to write out crazy ideas and rehash old ones. Feel free to read it with me.

"Here is your stop."

"Aww! Now i'll never know why a blonde, a lawyer and an Athenian Hoplite walked into a bar for!"

"And what a reason it was. But alas, that is a story for another time. Now please wait for the ferry to come to a full stop before disembarking."

The River Styx sloped gently to an old and worn dock near the mouth of another tunnel, just wide enough for my car. The riverbank was rough and ragged while remaining surprisingly flat. The most notable feature of the shore was a large, three headed dog.

"Hey Charon, isn't Cerberus supposed to keep dead people from escaping?"

"Well, yes and no. Yes he is, but you aren't really dead, remember? Just act cool and ol' Cerbs will leave you well enough alone."

the ferry landed at the dock and Charon helped me unload my car full of my earthly possessions. He told me to wait up so he could tell me a few last minute things before I could leave.

"I suppose there is one eensy weensy little thing I should have mentioned before."

I gave him an 'of course' look. "And what is that?"

"It is quite possible that I will need to turn you into a pony..."

"A pony? Like a horse?"

"Well, yes. Only smaller."

"Why?"

Charon looked at his feet "Because that is the dominant species of Equestria?"

"Horses?"

"Ponies."

"Aren't they just animals?"

He waved his arms in disagreement. "No no no. They are as smart as you are. Loveley creatures. Oh! you can be a unicorn!"

"Like a sparkly rainbow unicorn?"

"No. Both those are taken. You'll see."

Charon, again started chanting as I was blinded by a light of many colors in a way that fire looks. the next thing I knew, I was significantly shorter than i was before. I could feel my new hooves which reminded me of the palms of my hands. My knees felt a bit wonky, but there was nothing else I could remember that was out of place. Then I felt my horn. It felt a lot like the rest of my head, only more sensitive. When I looked at my arm (or is it a leg now?) I saw that it was a pastel green. Similar to the color of an Evergreen.

"Am I majestic?" I asked attempting to be vain.

"Haha yes. You seem to be taking this well. too well."

"Hey man, I'm dead and hung out with the Charon on the river Styx! I'm just kinda enjoying the ride."

Charon laughed and began to tell me the basics of what I will need to know. Apparently they speak English, but write 'Equestrian', and that they are a diarchy. He then told me that I should go to a place called 'Ponyville'.

I then stepped inside my car and thanked Charon for all he did. I thought turning the key was going to be difficult, but i performed the task absentmindedly. As I was leaving he shouted: "Don't destroy Equestria please! Oh, and say 'Hi' to Sunny-Flanks for me!"

I drove through the hallway wondering who "Sunny-Flanks" could be.

Twilight Sparkle was enjoying an afternoon of reading in the shade of a tree. It had only been a month since the royal wedding and things were calm on the Ponyville front. That is, until she noticed something in the distance kicking up a lot of dirt. She watched as the object got closer and noticed that it almost resembled a funny looking chariot.

Twilight peered through the glass that covered most of the front and saw a green stallion sitting in a manner only Lyra enjoyed. Before she could get a proper look, the object skidded to a halt. The dust trail quickly engulfed the object, obscuring everything within hoofs reach. Twilight heard a thud from the object in question followed by a low voice.

"Hello! I'm a bit lost. Could you direct me to 'Ponyville'?"

The pony I asked directions from simply stared at me. Like, stared. I Stared back. When charon said they were different, he was right. She had much larger eyes than I expected (does this mean I have large eyes too? I wonder what color they are...). We both snapped out of our respective reveries.

"What in Celestia's mane is that?"

"My car. You see, I'm moving."

"Car? Whats a car?"

I pointed my hoof "That is."

"But what is it?"

"A car. You know, an Automobile?"

"What's that?"

I facepalmed. "This conversation is tautological. It's a car because it's a car OK?"

She perked at the word tautological. "Nice word!"

"Thank you." I bowed "My vernacular is robust."

She giggled at the statement. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, Pleased to meet you Mr..."

"Ed. Edward Anderson." I chuckled at my little joke.

"Well Mr. Ed-" I chuckled a bit more "I'm sorry, did I say it wrong?"

"No hehe my name is a pun where I come from"

"Oh, where do you come from?"

"To the northwest."

"What city?"

As soon as those words left Twilight's lips, A cyan pony with wings approached us.

"What in Equestria is that thing?" Pointing to my van.

"That's my car"

"What's a car?"

"Ask Twilight."

"Don't ask Rainbow."

"Wait... Your name is Rainbow?"

Rainbow had a look of pride "Yep! Name's Ranbow Dash! Fastest flier in Equestria!"

"Hah! Those were taken."

"Excuse me?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing to worry your pretty little head over" I patted her on the head while saying this. she didn't fight it, but turned her head away from me. "Anywho, I'm new here and am looking for a place called 'Ponyville'. Is that far?"

"Not at all!" Rainbow declared "Just follow the road a few miles and you can't miss it!"

"Sweet! Thanks!" I said as I got in my van.

"Wait!" Shouted Twilight. "Can I see how this 'car' works?"

Then the thought hit me. Charon had briefly mentioned that they don't have much technology. If I began to explain how a car works... This could be so much worse than stepping on a butterfly. This can only mean one thing: "Prime Directive!"

"Prime what?"

"Sorry! Knowledge of the Great and Powerful 'car' could change the course of history!"

Rainbow motioned to Twilight that I was crazy. "This wouldn't happen to belong to Trixie, would it?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"If you ladies will excuse me, I'm going to go make a fool of myself somewhere else."

As I departed, Rainbow turned to Twilight and said "That is a piece of work."

Twilight sighed. "He sure is."

Author's note: POV might change between sections. I won't announce it. You are a smart person, you can figure it out. Again, this is meant to fill the void of slice of life human romance. This is for me and am allowing it to have holes here and there. In any case, you can comment for your opinions and I'll read them and prolly respond to them.

Van Down by the River

As I approached the town, I decided to pull off and park my car near the river on the other side of a fairly large hill. This should give me a modicum of privacy at least. Sure it wouldn't truly keep anybody away, but it would at least attract less attention.

The call of nature found me in the short time it took me to park my car. That is when the horrifying truth of the matter came to mind: I do not have a place to live. Perhaps that Twilight knows where I could crash. After I finished *ahem* natural business, I locked the door to my van and began meandering. I stopped at the water's edge to get a closer look at myself. I kept my eye color and hair style. Only this time my fur coat was a pastel shade of evergreen. My hair was still a light brown, giving me the look of an up-side-down tree. I'm cool with that I guess. The only thing out of place was a tattoo on by butt. It was a picture of an oar. I suppose Charon wanted to tag me or something. I walked away from the water and walked into town.

I noted the town had a strong Bavarian feel to it. It felt just like Levenworth (a Bavarian themed town in Washington. Lovely place) and also, well, like when I went to Bavaria. Quaint houses and shops on cobblestone and dirt streets. There are even thatched roofed cottages. Don't call Trogdor.

Your thoughts were interrupted by colliding with another pony. We tumbled on the ground before coming to rest. When I opened my eyes I came face to face with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Most blue eyes are just light blue. These were blue. My observations were brought short by a squeak followed by the pony I ran into scurrying away.

"O-oh my! Excuse me darling! I'm afraid I wasn't watching where I was going." The woman, for lack of a better term, was a white unicorn with purple hair that defies everything I know about hair. She seemed to avoid any more eye contact. Not that I was attempting to anyways.

"Don't worry about it." And that is when I saw the darnedest thing: "Telekinesis!?" The pony had lifted up her groceries with a blue shimmer.

She gave me a look as if I were a 6 foot tall hairless ape. "Of course dear! What sort of unicorn would I be if I couldn't use magic?"

"Magic? Thats a thing here?"

"Well you are a unicorn are you not? Were you raised by monkeys?"

"So you what you are trying to tell me is that I can do magic?" Oh please oh please oh please!

The unicorn looked confused "Well, yes, I suppo-"

"Teach me your ways!" Personal space be damned, I ran in front of the unicorn. She reared back in surprise.

"E-excuse m-me but I do not even know your name let alone teach you magic!" Her eyes were darting back and fourth, looking for a way out. Regrettably for me, one came. "Twilight! Thank Celestia you're here!"

"Oh hi Rarity how ar- hello again Mr. Ed."

"Twilight guess what?" I bounded over to her, hopping circles around her. A thought must have passed through her head as she shook it.

"Yes Mr. Ed?"

"I can do magic!"

Twilight simply stared. "You didn't know that?"

I stopped jumping and tried to hide my embarrassment. "Well, no."

"You're pulling my yoke." Twilight looked unamused.

My unwillingness to talk betrayed my answer. Twilight stepped closer to get a better look at me. When she started looking me in the eye, she froze. I moved my head slowly back and forth to see what she was staring at.

"Your eyes..." She nearly whispered.

"Your nose." This brought her back.

"My nose?"

"Well, you started naming body parts so I did too." This just confused her. Rarity trotted behind her to see what the fuss was about when she stopped too. "Is this 'look at Ed's eyes day'?" this caused them both to snap out of it.

"I'm sorry darling, but your eyes seem to have two colors."

"Two colors? So?"

"So?" Twilight said a bit too loudly. "Ponies don't have multicolored eyes!"

"They aren't that multicolored. Just brown on the inside and olive on the outside." Twilight narrowed her eyes at me.

"Can I see your 'van' again?"

"Uhh...sure? It's a bit messy on account of me living in it."

"You're living in it?"

"Well yeah. I did just get here. I plan on moving to Ponyville-" And as if I had just said 'Beetlejuice' three times, my world became pink.

"Did somepony day they were moving to Ponyville!?" I just stood there. There wasn't anything to do. Perhaps she snuck up behind me.

Rarity spoke first, "Hello Pinkie-"

"Not now Rarity! There is a new pony in town and I am going to find him!" I cleared my throat. "Hello new pony moving to Ponyville, have you seen a new pony moving to Ponyville?" *GASP* And she was gone.

"Well that was...new? where was I? Ah yes: Teach me magic!" Sure I wasn't just talking about it, but where is the fun in that?

Twilight gave me a curious look "You're serious about not knowing magic aren't you?" I nodded, then gave the best Bambi eyes I could muster. *sigh* "I'll teach you magic-"

As she finished the sentence, I grabbed her into the biggest bear hug and spun her around and around giggling all the while. To which Rarity raised an eyebrow.

"You are quite deft on two hooves Mr. Ed."

I put Twilight down so she could gather herself. "Call it second nature, my dear!" I gave as graceful a bow as I could muster balancing on two hooves.

Rarity fanned herself "My my! Such the gentlecolt!"

"When it suits me."

Rarity's eyes lit up at the word 'suit' and she dashed off shouting a farewell. "Must have left the stove on." I reasoned aloud as the dust cloud settled.

I looked at Twilight and saw her looking at me intently. I was about to ask her why when I was interrupted. "You can't seriously live in that thing."

"What thing?"

"That 'van' thing."

"It's not that I want to live in it, I just have no money, no job, and no place to sleep." Twilight seemed to gasp without moving... and behind me. "Twilight, I didn't know you were a ventriloquist!"

"Hello Fluttershy!" she greeted someone behind me. I turned around to see a yellow winged pony with pink hair frozen in place. For being a person so intent on staying motionless, she sure avoided my eyes. She eventually found the will to speak.

"D-did I-I h-hear th-that you have no place to live?"

"Friend of yours?" I asked Twilight. She nodded. "What is this, 'run into your friends in the middle of town' day?" I turned to Fluttershy "That is correct. I am currently living in a VAN down by the River!" I tried my best Chris Farley impersonation. Fluttershy must have misinterpreted it and cowered in fear. I looked to Twilight. "Too loud?"

"Too loud." Twilight confirmed.

Fluttershy found the courage to speak once again. "I-I have a s-spare bedroom."

Eyebrows were raised all around. "I couldn't impose on you. Plus, wouldn't that raise questions?"

"I don-" Was all I caught as her sentence faded into oblivion.

"Excuse me?"

"I d-" Oblivion.

"Louder."

"I-" Nothing.

"Then I guess it wasn't important."

"I DON'T CARE!!" For the first time she looked me in the eye and dared me to look back. What I saw there was a small flame. The ember was there and betrayed something else to this winged pony. In one word: Feist. And then it was gone. Her pupils shrank and she bolted away like she was being chased by bees.

Poor thing. I knew she was at war with herself. I knew that due to me having felt it. It wasn't that I had an extreme personality, it is more akin to wanting to act one way, but instead being quiet. I remember there was this one girl in college that I simply could not have a conversation with without it feeling awkward. She was cute and all, but no matter what, the conversation felt wrong and I wasn't being me. Even after I had a girlfriend and was by no means trying to impress this girl.

A purple blur interrupted my internal soliloquy.

"Equestira to Ed!" I shook it off and cocked my head. "You can stay in my basement. There is a bunch of science stuff down there, but you are welcome to use it until you are back on your hooves."

"Thanks Twilight. I owe you one." I never thought I would regret saying that, but oh boy did I.

"You can start by explaining to me what a 'van' is."

*Sigh* "fine! Walk with me." We trotted off towards my car. "A van is a type of car that is meant to hold a lot of people."

"And what is a car?"

"I said I owed you one." I said with a smug smirk. Exasperation could be heard for blocks.

Twilight teleported in front of me. "Explain to me what a car is or I will not let you have my basement!"

"You can teleport!? Thats awesome!" I was hopping up and down. She found it significantly less amusing as she forced me to the ground before we started walking again. "Fine fine! A car is a horseless carriage that works off of an internal combustion engine to rotate the wheels. Concise enough for you?"

Her scrunched face was answer enough. "No! That raises more questions than it answers! Horses? Those are just mares tales!"

"But you are a horse..."

"I am a pony!"

"Those are just small horses!"

"No they are not!" She stopped walking. "Horses are giants of legend and are allegedly unintelligent!"

I put my hoof to my chin. "Sounds about right."

I am unsure how many straws ago broke the camel's back, but my answers weren't helping "Thats it! You are hiding something from me and I intend on finding out!"

I chuckled. "Challenge accepted! Just think about how many secrets you could pry out of me when I'm living in your basement!"

Twilight narrowed her eyes at me. "You're good."

This got a laugh out of me. "I'll tell you what, you can ride shotgun back to your place."

"What's a shotgun?"

"A figure of speech, my dear." She faced away at the statement. "Ahh here we are!"

Getting Twilight to buckle up was one of the more challenging things I have had to do. All she would do is ask questions about every nob and doo-hicky in the car. I only listed their names and not what they did. Clever me, answering questions without revealing alien technology.

She was startled by the engine starting and the sudden vibrations. I reassured her as we both made our way into town. The ponies there gave me a wide berth and seemed to be afraid of the loud engine of my van. Luckily, however, the drive was a short one.

We arrived at a very large tree with windows. "Here we are! This is Ponyville Library slash my house!"

"Your library is in a tree?"

"Yes?"

"Woodception" I said in an awestruck voice. Twilight ignored it.

"Come on inside!"

We opened the door,

Got on the floor,

And everybody walked...out of their hiding places and yelled:

SURPRISE!

Authors note: Took a while to write w/ finals and all. Hoped you all enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed writing the last half in case it wasn't noticed. Another thing of note: I apparently don't write a lot of actions in this story and do most of the action in the dialogue. I also rely on implications and for the reader to imagine the action. Hope it isn't too blocky for you all. As a reminder, if anyone thinks they can write this story better than I can, go for it. Use it as a prompt or pick out your favorite parts and make a story. Just give me a shout out and tell me where I can read your story!

Obligatory Party

Author notes: Chapter done! Now complete with links! They are optional I suppose, but they emphasize what is going on. And they are entertaining. If you see a mistake, please comment it and I will fix it as soon as I can.

I like to think of myself as a pretty level headed guy. However, if there is one thing I dislike, it is being startled. And boy do I startle easy. I am certain there when this story is rehashed later. On the bright side, I didn't really have to react much due to a brick of English that was thrown at me.

"Hi there new pony moving to Ponyville! My name is Pinkie Pie! I met you earlier when you were talking to Twilight and Rarity and I was all 'Did somepony say they were moving to Ponyville?' and you were all quiet and I said 'Not now Rarity there is a new pony in town and I am going to find him' but then I saw you and asked 'Hello new pony moving to Ponyville, have you seen a new pony moving to Ponyville?' and then I went all *GASP* and then I dashed and fluttered all the way here to set up a super sensational salutatory surprise party!"

The problem I had with that particular chunk of language was not the content of it, but rather the fact that she did not run out of air. I think she intentionally rehashed the gasp in order for her to make it through the remainder of the speech. I'll have to pay attention in the future to see if she does something similar in the future.

I raised my hand turned hoof as if in school. Pinkie nodded as if she were a teacher.

"May I respond in the form of alliteration?" She consented and I cleared my throat: "Pleasure to perfectly planed parties makes me ponder Pinkie Pie's precocious party parentage pertaining to the pandering of proper pandemonium. Pausing, now, pondering how you prevented precognition that would precipitate a pernicious lack of surprise. Please, however, placate professional names for a more personal psudonym. perhaps you should call me," I paused for effect before bowing "Ed."

As the words left my mouth, Pinkie's smile slowly started to widen. "Wow mister! You're really good at words!"

"And you are good at parties. I've never had a surprise party before." Pinkie's face couldn't seem to decide on being happy or sad or both.

"I'm so sorry you never had a surprise party before, but I am so happy that I gave you your first one!"

"Well congratulations on taking my surprise party virginity!" Through whatever sort of cosmic coincidence or foul sorcery, there was a lull in most of the conversations and a break in the song causing my statement to be significantly louder than intended. This, in turn, brought the party to a grinding halt. Every single pony in the room was staring at me with slack jaws.

All of the females at the party seemed to be getting a bit red in the face. It must be due to partying hard just before. Still quiet in the room, I turned to Twilight. "Twilight, where is your bathroom?" Without moving another muscle save for her hoof, she pointed at a door across the room. "Spanks!" I trotted to the aforementioned door as the other party goers made an isle for me.

When I closed the door, I could hear a fair bit of laughing and the music resuming to some strange polka song. As I returned to the party, I could see that it was once again in full swing. I was approached by the one I was fairly certain her name started with an 'R'.

"You certainly know how to make an entrance Mr. Ed. And I know how to make an entrance." She taussled her hair at this. "Forgive me, but I have not properly introduced myself. I am Rarity, fashionista extraordinaire!"

"Edward Anderson. But please, call me Ed." I bowed my head slightly as I spoke. At this point, I was joined by Rainbow and an orange pony wearing a hat.

"And such manners too! You must have all the mares after you." Her face shifted into a sly smile.

"I've pulled a few heart strings in my time." Well, a few as in maybe five girls in 21 years.

The orange one gave me a puzzled look. "Heart-Strings? Ya know Lyra?"

"No? I'm new to the area Ms...."

"Th' name's Applejack! An' that would explain ah bit. Where did ya say ya'll were from?"

"Oh, to the northwest." I don't think they would believe me even if I told them.

Applejack squinted her eyes and looked me up and down. "Iffin' ya say so." She still looked unconvinced, but didn't say anything else.

The four of us chatted about this and that. I learned that Rarity had her own clothing line and Applejack worked on a farm and that Rainbow Dash claimed to be Pegasus. I took issue to that.

"Woah woah woah! Slow down. You are saying that you are Pegasus?" She gave me a dumbfounded look.

"Of course I'm a pegasus! There are a lot of pegasi!"

"Pegasus is not a species! Pegasus is a single winged horse! Unless there is a lady around here with snakes for hair-" Somewhere across the room, Twilight felt a chill down her spine."-then you are not Pegasus!"

Rarity seemed to nearly faint at the prospect of ones hair to be made of snakes. Applejack, on the other hand, scrunched her muzzle in confusion.

"Horses? Like the giants in the mares tales?"

"Oh, right. Ponies." I muttered.

The rest of the conversation was pleasant, but boring. On more than one occasion I noticed them just staring at me. It became disconcerning at one point so I decided to go somewhere else. I thought I saw the yellow 'pegasus' by the punch bowl, so I decided to take my leave.

"If you ladies will excuse me, the punch bowl has my name on it..." I squinted at the bowl. "Literally."

As I arrived at the bowl, however, the pegasus was not there. I sipped a bit of purple drank as i looked for the shy one. I saw a bit of pink near the stairs. Once I got there she was nowhere to be seen. Cue theme music.

I snuck around causing more than one curious look from every one of the ponies I walked past. My quary was skilled at remaining undetected and evading contact. This went on for several minutes with me 'sneaking' and her 'evading' untill I managed to convince Pinkie I was playing a game. She lured Fluttershy into a corner so I could 'tag' her and she would get five points.

As I approached the corner, Pinkie blocked one entrance and I the other. I nodded to Pinkie and told her the points were hers and she bounced away to do whatever she does.

"You are quite a talented wall fly, Fluttershy." She looked down at her hooves and avoided my eyes. "I had to convince Pinkie to help me in order to finally talk to you."

Fluttershy mumbled something. I decided to have a bit of fun with her so I made it a personal challenge to look her in the eyes. Whenever she would move her gaze, I would match it. The silent game of cat and mouse carried on until Twilight Sparkle joined us.

"Ed, what are you doing?"

"I want to look into Fluttershy's eyes." She made an "eep" and her face went red. She must be super shy.

"Have you tried asking her?" That gave me pause.

"No?" Twilight facehoofed. "Fluttershy, can I see-" I couldn't finish the sentence due to her no longer being there. "Seriously, whats with her?"

"Well you were trying to look into her eyes."

"So?" Twilight never did answer my question. She became flustered and made some strange excuse about a dragon and left.

The evening was drawing to a close as the various ponies began filing out. Over the course of the party, I met a large amount of ponies. Enough such that I would not be able to remember most, if not all, of their names. Soon enough the library was empty save for myself ant Twilight.

"Would you mind helping me move a few things into your basement?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Only if you can answer me a question."

*Sigh* "Yeah fine. You got me by the short hairs."

"What are short hairs?"

"Pubic hairs. In this context, the balls. That is your one question, now help me move."

I exited the door but found myself to be alone. I looked inside to see Twilight stuck in position and beet red. "Poor sweet innocent Twilight" I shook my head and began to move some of the boxes into the library.

Twilight started to open one of the boxes when I slammed the lid shut. "Twilight Sparkle, do not look in these boxes. Their contents are personal." Yeah that was a lie, but they had earth stuff. I really don't want to get into that particular discussion.

Twilight seemed downtrodden and helped move box after box into her basement. I had her take special care of my desktop and other technology, but refused to answer any questions. That was no simple task.

"What is this?" She said, pointing at my physics textbook.

"A book. I dropped it. Mind handing it to me?"

"Hand? You mean hoof?"

"Yeah sure."

"What are those symbols? I've never seen them before. And I read a lot of books."

"I've already answered your question for the day."

"What language is this?"

"English. Can't you read it?." There was a sparkle in Twilight's eyes.

"English? Is that were you come from?"

"No. I'm from America." Twilight beamed. Crap. I forgot that Charon said they wrote in a different language. It was a matter of time before she couldn't find America.

"America? I thought you said you were from the northwest?"

"A lot of places have a northwest!" Twilight caught me. Dat smug. All I had to do was wait for her to search maps. I'll give it a week.

We completed moving everything out of my car and into the basement I was to live in. Lucky for me, all of my belongings were in boxes so she could not see any more things I brought with me. I escorted (verging on pushing) Twilight from the basement and plopped down on my memory foam mattress and promptly fell asleep.

Thanks for reading! If you like it, comment etc. If you want to use an idea from it, by all means use it. If you want to use it as a prompt of sorts, then please do! I have big plans for the next few chapters. I just had to get through the obligatory Pinkie Party.

Pendulums and Ponies

"Say that one more time."

"Princess Celestia raises the sun while Princess Luna raises the moon."

The first three times Twilight Sparkle said those words, I had ignored her due to how nonsensical the statements were. Sure, I had asked her what form of government they had and what why they had princesses and no queens (she seemed almost evasive on the latter), but she was being serious. And that is exactly why it was priceless.

The look of mortification on her mug made my hysterical laughter all the sweeter. I could feel the look of annoyance she was giving me as I continued my mirth.

"And why are you laughing?"

I calmed down just long enough to giggle out a response: "Because that is a ludicrous notion! How do they do it then?"

"Magic of course!" Twilight stated as if she were telling me what day it was.

"Riiiiight. Totally forgot about magic. Ain't gotta explain shit." Twilight opened her mouth only to release only silence. "Thanks for breakfast! I have a few things to figure out in the basement. Don't peek!~"

I scampered down the stairs to my new living quarters to perform a bit of science. There are a few things that I need to be totally sure of in this crazy new place I've found myself in. The first of which is to assess if *shudder* magic raises the sun and moon. Luckily, there is a simple solution for that: The Foucault Pendulum. The only reason why that popped into my head was due to the fact that the University of Washington had one in the physics building.

Another thing I want to find out is the speed of light. It's not as important as, say, winning an argument with a purple unicorn, but it would be necessary for later metrics. This is where I come across my first issue: I don't have a meter stick and the meter stick Twilight would have might be a different length. So that sucks. i'll have to dig through my physics textbook to find that particular solution.

I popped open one of my tubs containing "Nicknacks, Paddywacks, Give-A-Dog-A-Bones" (above the "Bips and Bops") and rummaged around until I found the offending book. Introductory Physics. A waste of 200 dollars at the time, but is proving useful now. Now I just need to look at P for Pendulums...

<<3rd Person>>

"The nerve of that pony!" Twilight paced in circles around the main room to her Library. "How dare he laugh at the princesses! He even forbade me from entering my own basement!"

Spike sat part way up the stairs shoveling ice cream from a carton into his mouth. With Twilight so preoccupied with Ed, Spike had taken the liberty to relieve the Library of it's ice cream. Seeing that she was beyond reasoning with, Spike was along for the ride.

"He's not being that strange, Twilight. He just has a strange sense of security and doesn't like people touching his stuff."

"But that is not the issue Spike! The issue is that he is keeping secerets! And he knows it! He enjoys it!"

"Because you are ~~sooo cute~~ when you're angry!"

Twilight whirred around to face the offending pony and lost it. "YOU!" Twilight growled, crouching into a low stance.

"Woah there Rapidash! I need a favor."

"You want me to do you a favor?" Twilight accented every other word with a step forward, pointing her horn threateningly.

"Yes?" Ed's ears instinctively went down.

"Then you wouldn't mind if I took a peek in the basement?"

Well that could have gone better. At least I no longer fear for my genitailia. It was a good thing I have all my pics squirreled away in their bins still. My computer was on, but locked (thank goodness) and I had set up my bed.

The basement looked much less like a storage space and more like a bachelor pad: messy. The mess was not clothes, but rather, pieces of engineering paper that had my mathematical scribbles and various diagrams on. In the center of the room was my makeshift pendulum. I crafted it out of spare rope I found and one of my bins full of books. The favor I needed was to get it attached to the rafters.

Twilight stepped cautiously over sheets of green paper cautiously, while approaching a large blackboard I retooled to contain the more pertinant equations for pendulums and how to ascertain gravitational acceleration. Twilight stood in front of the blackboard for a few minutes, seeming to not comprehend what I had written.

"I don't understand any of this. Why is some of it in ελληνικά? (pronounced elli̱niká) That has only been seen on Pre-Discord pottery. What are these?"

"Nothing to worry your pretty little head over Twilight." She evaded my gaze as I rubbed her head with my hoof. "I need you to do me a favor, I need you to attach this rope to the rafter."

Twilight blinked once as she gave me a blank stare. "Why in Equestria are you making a pendulum?" I was waiting for this exact question.

"To prove that the sun raises on its own." I gave my prize winning grin. Twilight gave her most dumbfounded one.

"...with a pendulum." Twilight asked, more as a statement.

"Correct." Twilight got a sparkle in her eyes that made me feel like I had been lead into a trap.

"Ok. I'll humor you. What do you need?"

"I need you to set up the pendulum and to erect a forcefield around the pendulum so that nobody can interfere with it. And sand! can't forget about sand!"

Twilight and I spent the next while setting up the pendulum with a small sandbox beneath it. The sand was there so that the change in position would be more noticeable. I set the large pendulum in motion using a string and a candle to assure a perfect start. Twilight set up the forcrfield before we both moved to my bed and sat on it.

"I still don't see how this proves the sun raises on its own. this will be my question for the day."

*sigh* "fair enough. The pendulum is swinging freely independently of the planet. This is due to the fact that an object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force." I'll eat a fig newton in his honor. "As long as we are not at the equator of the axis of rotation, the ground will spin, but the pendulum will keep in the same spot, thus causing the pendulum to swing in another direction." I had used a good chunk of the blackboard to demonstrate the physics behind the Foucault Pendulum.

Twilight chewed on this information for a good length of time. I knew she understood it when I saw a concerned look appear on her face. "...clever."

"One more thing" Twilight's looked puzzled at how I said those words. "You should teach me magic!" I hopped up and gave my best playful puppy dog impression complete with sticking my butt in the air and wagging my tail. Due to me not knowing how to control my tail, I wiggled my butt instead.

This did not have the expected reaction.

Twilight's face went literally red. She had the look of shock and fear in her eyes. She seemed like she wanted to run away, but at the same time, she couldn't pull herself away. It may sound a bit weird, but it reminded me of how I looked when I first saw porn... I have no Idea why that does.

"W-w-what a-are you d-doing?"

"Pretending I'm a puppy dog?" I cocked my head in my most puppy-esque manner.

"I-is that all?"

"Yes?" My head tilted a bit more so that the wall was now the floor.

"G-good" She still looked a bit flustered but calmed down significantly.

"Well?" I tapped a foot

"Well what?" It was her turn to cock her head.

"Will you teach me magic? I'll be your apprentice and junk." Twilight's eyes lit up at the prospect of having an apprentice. Her ears perked up and she started breathing quickly.

"YES!" Twilight almost said it before I finished.

"Great! What are you doing this evening?"

Author's Note: This stopped being about a self insert once I realized that I am too non-confrontational and boring. So this story is now about Ed as himself. Still has all my stuff though. I am going to focus on a slower world developing thing that will lead into an exploration into what sets ponies and humans apart (and it is not violence for once). Sorry for a late update. I'm super busy and life kinda crashed on me hard. In any case: comment and argue with me!

Of Men and Magic

Twilight took a while to set up the various magical paraphernalia to assess the extent of my magical ability. "Now I'm sure you have already done this in 'A-mare-i-ca' but I want to see the extent of your Mana reserves."

"Hold the phone! Mana? That is so awesome! Please tell me there are Mana potions!"

"You seriously don't know anything about magic do you?"

"Narp." Twilight facehoofed. "OK! Lets do this from the top!"

"I guess we have to" Twilight took a long breath. "Each unicorn has a specific amount of Mana within them. This reservoir replenishes over time, but the power of a single spell cannot surpass the amount of Mana inside the unicorn. as such, the more Mana a unicorn has, the more gifted they are in various schools of magic. Unicorns all have basic levitation as a spell, but tend to lean towards spells that directly effect their special talent. Speaking of which, what does your Cutie Mark represent?"

This was a lot to take in, but I think I understood it. However I had no clue what a Cutie thingie is.

I cocked my head in confusion. "Whats a Cutie-mabob?"

Twilight gave me a frustrated and confused look. "You know, your Cutie Mark. The oar on your flank."

"Thats what that is? I was really confused as to why that was there." I looked at my butt and lone behold there was the image of an oar. Why an oar? the last time I came in contact with an oar was..."Charon." I barley whispered his name. I swear I could hear him laughing somewhere on the Styx.

Twilight didn't quite catch what I said. "What did you say?"

"O-oh I was a ferryman before coming here." Twilight gave me a perturbed look.

"You keep saying this 'man' word instead of pony. Why?"

"Just a colloquialism. The Northwest is a strange place. But we should get back to the matter at hand." Twilight's eyes narrowed at the word 'hand'. "How do we see how much Mana I got?"

Twilight snapped out of her mulling. "Oh! Right! All you need to do is put your horn into this hole and the rest should take care of itself! And stop snickering!"

"But thats what she said!"

In any case I put my horn into what appeared to be a bowling ball crossed with a magic 8 ball. To my understanding, the amount of Mana I had would be displayed on the flat section. Oh gods I am excited.

With only a little more adieu, I stuck my horn in the bowling ball section and awaited Twilight's analysis.

Her smile turned from shocked to puzzled, to worried, and finally to sadness. "Ed.....I'm so sorry."

My stomach seemed to drop. "What is it?"

Twilight looked at the ground morosely before quietly saying, "I've never seen a unicorn with as little Mana as you do. I don't think you will ever do any magic more complex than telekinesis."

Well this sucks. Looks like magic ain't my gig. this is mostly dissappointing due to the fact that I wanted to become the most powerful ~~Jedi~~ unicorn ever. However there is a single silver thread in this. "I still have magic!"

Twilight was taken aback by this. She gave me a confused look with watery eyes. "but you can only cast telekinesis..."

"Tell me Twilight," I said, draping an arm-leg around her,"Does telekinesis require magic?" she nodded. "And as such, would that cause telekinesis to be a spell?" She nodded again, obviously not seeing where this was going. "Therefore," Pause for effect, "I can cast a spell and therefore have magic!"

Twilight gave me a warm smile. "I don't understand you, Ed. Most unicorns would be devastated."

"I am obviously not most unicorns."

She gave me a look that was a cross between being glad and... hunger?

"Shouldn't you be teaching me magic?"

"Oh! Right! Magic! Well," She cleared her throat, "Magic is Mana given form. The more form you give a spell, the less Mana is required to fuel it. think of it like spreading butter on toast. If you have a lot of butter, you can spread the butter around and cover everything and if you-"

"Have a thin slice of butter in the shape of your toast, there is less butter required." Twilight got a glimmer in her eye.

"Very good! now, lets focus on tapping into your Mana pool."

"Ok, as long as I don't have to tap my lands for it." She cocked her head. "I'll tell you later."

"In any case, magic is most easily influenced by our emotions. What I want you to do, and I am serious, is to think of something that makes you happy. And I mean really happy. You should feel something in your chest, and it should feel like it is moving." (Authors Note: This is real stuff. Like seriously, minus the magic part. Try it. It's crazy)

At first I thought she was going to give me a pair of green tights so that I could learn how to fly. This just seems so...fruity. Magic is about fireballs and magic missiles, not happy thoughts and friendship. Oh lawdy what a world it would be if friendship was magic. I suppose I should humor her and do it anyways. So I began to think of barbershop music.

And to my surprise I did feel something. It felt like discovering a new game is coming out and obsessing over every facet. It was the fanboy in all of us and I could feel it moving.

"Do you feel it?" I nodded. "Good, now take your hoof and trace where it is moving."

I pointed at my chest and followed a clockwise pattern the feeling was spinning in.

"Excellent. Now speed up your hoof." I did and was surprised that the feeling intensified as it sped up with my hand. I felt a bit jittery and out of place, but it certainly felt good. "You are doing great. Now slow back down and widen the circle."

To my surprise the feeling followed my hand-hoof. I started to trace the feeling up and down myself (I'm sure it looked a bit strange).

"I was about to tell you to do that! Outstanding! Now I want you to reverse directions."

The moment I went the other direction, the feeling turned sour. It felt somehow perverted, like going to a class that you forgot the assignment for. I didn't like it.

"Does it feel bad?" I nodded. "Good. That tells me we are working with your Mana and not your emotions. Spin it back around correctly and move the Mana to your horn."

To my surprise it worked. I mean really really worked! my horn was glowing an earthy forest green. This got me excited. The feeling in my chest was swelling again. And this is when I got an idea. I took my hand-hoof and brought that feeling to my horn as well. I must be getting the hang of this because my horn became quite bright. It is a good thing that it is in my blind spot or braille may become important to me.

Twilight seemed to become much more worried about my magic because she dove behind a couch. The feeling in my horn, while pleasant, seemed to want out. It was funneling to the tip of my horn in what felt like an amorphous blob I tried to keep it from escaping, but it felt like trying to keep a Newtonian fluid in my hands.

There was one more thing to note: releasing magic into the air is... inadvisable. The light off my horn expanded in all directions forming all sorts of waves. There were electromagnetic waves, sound waves,and shock waves.

I was thrown against the wall with a lot of force, knocking the wind out of me. the entire bookshelf seemed to dump and endless supply of books on top of me.

"Why did you do that!?" Sparkle angry. "You could have hurt yourself!" A purple aura snatched all of the books off of me and set them aside.

At this point I stopped listening to her. My head hurt like the dickens. I just curled into a ball and held my head. Twilight seemed concerned, but I couldn't really tell up from down. My headache lessened when Twilight did magic on my horn.

"Next time don't put all of your magic into a spell! Mana Burn is a serious condition!"

"W-w-whats Mana b-burn?" I said as I slowly shifted onto my four legs.

"It is where you expend all of your Mana in your Mana Pool and start absorbing it from the ambient Mana."

"Are you sure you haven't played MTG?" I was met with a confused look. "In any case I think I am going to turn in for the evening. The sun is going down and it feels like I've got a hangover."

As I approached my door, I noticed it was ajar. The issue was that I had closed it beforehand due to paranoia. When I got inside, I saw spike holding a large book. As I approached, I saw that it was, in fact, my old yearbook from my highschool days. Spike was looking at the page of seniors in the "A" section.

This would normally not have been an issue if my name hadn't been printed below a rather non-equine photo of pre-Styx Edward.

Spike stood frozen. When he heard my hoof-falls, he slowly looked up at me with fear in his eyes.

"Ά-Ά-Άνθρωπος!" (pronounced anthropos) He spoke as if speaking louder would awaken a sleeping beast.

"Say what?" Spike flinched at the sound of my voice.

"Anthropos! You are an anthropos!" He said, pointing at my old picture. The word rang a bell deep within me. This word kind of sounded like...

"Does that word have anything to do with anthropology?"

The study of humans.

Authors Notes:

This chapter was a blast to write. I LOVE to go into the details about a world. I have other plans for how Ed will use magic in creative ways. I also put a bit of drama into the story. Thought that it will make my story have some tension. I'll try to bring the rest of the characters in soon. I think he should at least know magic first.

In any case, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I certainly know I did.

Final Comments from the Author

It is with a heavy heart that I am cancelling this story. As I write, I realize that there is nothing to move the story forward. There is so much that I want to do to this story that simply cannot be done given what has been written. I have taken a lot of time to read many other HiE fics and have come to the discovery that, while actively trying to avoid "Gary Stu", that was exactly where this story was headed. I have re read the story over and over again and have concluded that it plays directly into "OC meets deity, moves in with Twilight, everybody wins, ???, profit."

There is a ray of sunshine in this cloudy day: I am replacing this story with another one that I am entitling "Equinetropy". I plan on it being a much darker (as in not sunshine and rainbows coming out the ears) and interesting writing style. I am planning on it being not from the point of view of the main character, but from several other characters who come in contact with the main guy. My inspiration is To Befriend the Night. I want to make this an unreliable narrator. It has always been a fascination of mine.

Therefore, I wish all of my readers the best in getting their HiE fix until I can get my next story up. Thank you for reading!

P.S. The results of the pendulum is as follows: one side of Equestria is denser than the other. The princesses rotate the planet, not move the stars. This is due to some mumbo-jumbo about it being harder to do things over distance squared. So both Ed and Twi were wrong.

P.P.S. I thought I was clever so thats why I wanted to post the results.