Return to Sender

by Smaug the Golden

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1211

Even cosmic beings have to use the postal service. Discord and his family tend to use it a lot.

Discord and his family never really were that close. Although writing letters was a fun pastime.

Originally an entry for the Writeoff 'Best Laid Plans.'

Published 2015-08-07 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-07 02:10:01 UTC

Dear Cousin

Dear Cousin,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Did you hear about that new country? It's called Equestria, I believe. Just sending you this letter as you’re taking a hand in politics once again. The windigoes couldn’t have done it on their own, after all. I’m not entirely sure if this will reach you, you change the closest thing you’ve got to a mailing address every other week. Makes it a pain to contact you.

Either way, how’s it been? Still working hard, I take it. Last time we met, you enjoyed mutating animals and rearranging the landscape. I expect you’re going to be doing it at the time that this letter reaches you. In my case, I’ve been laying out a few details. Planetary alignment coming up, happy fifty thousandth birthday by the way, and I need to begin moving. Stars and planets aligning, as you very well know.

I hope that you mail, or whatever you happen to be using this particular century, me your response as soon a physically possible. Try and send it to me on a weekend. I hate having to organize my mail and knowing you, you’ll send me something terribly infuriating.

Dear Nothing Original,

How lovely to hear from you again. Glad to see that you’re still alive and kicking. I simply love your formal attitude. It truly brightens up my day. If only my days were longer than the three minutes that I now allow. The sun and the moon just love moving around at massive speeds. Ponykind doesn't seem to like it, for whatever reason.

Dear Cousin,

I request that you do not do that again. You decided to send me a collection of literal puns. It’s hard enough to keep everything orderly where I live, despite the obvious weirdness of that fact, and your addition of a little chaos into my life doesn’t help. At least Entropy is kind enough to send me some semblance of Order.

Anyway, I heard you just took up residence in that new kingdom. Good for you. How long have you been planning to do it? I assumed that nobody would be moving in on it for ages. I had diagrams and everything. I’ve been gathering data for centuries. The windigoes were supposed to be destroyed, then the nation was supposed to grow, I was supposed to come in and open the portal… you know what? I think that you’re the most unpredictable being ever.

Well, keep in touch. I enjoy your letters, despite all of our rivalries. Just refrain from sending me anything pun related. The bar wasn’t half as funny as you thought. Got alcohol all over my notes, by the way. Now I can’t figure out what planets are aligning. Now was it Metuar or Judfa that’s going to be in third position?

Dear Nothing Original,

Please enjoy the package contained.

Dear Cousin,

Please stop. A dragon is not exactly helpful. I can’t spend anything more than three minutes pouring over your letters, what with work and everything. I’m sending your dragon back with this letter. Plan for it to be there seven business days after you receive this. If it’s late, please tell your dragon to learn how to read maps. You’ll be doing it a favor. Although she did tell me that Judfa is coming up third. Thanks for that.

Out of curiosity, have you spoken with Symphony recently? I heard she got herself trapped underneath a flower or something. She does a terrible job at, well, her job. She never should have gotten hitched. Progeny are terribly hard to analyze, what with multiple different sets of genes to work with. I suppose that I’ll have to make use of the data that I have. Respond as soon you can. Have you seen any small, different colored gemstones? They're the Elements of Harmony, and I heard they went missing. See you after I take over. Please refrain from the pet name as well. I hate it.

Dear Nothing Original,

Life’s grand, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be terrible if I got imprisoned inside a statue? Wouldn’t it be terrible if it happened to you?

Dear Cousin,

You’re fired. You didn’t even think to tell me that you were planning to get overthrown. On a side note, you got me trapped by a pair of ponies a millennium before the stars and planets aligned. Once I get out, I’ll do my best to set everything straight. I need to restore balance and all that jazz. I hope you’re happy. At least they had the sense to put you on display in that garden over in Canterlot. Very orderly. Although that hedge maze is as stupid as it gets. Remind me to ask them to get a decorator for it some time. I’ll put it on my planner or something.

Dear Nothing Original,

Have you ever considered getting reformed?

Dear Cousin,

Did we really get beaten by the power of friendship rainbows? That’s just peachy, I must say. Makes you fell all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it? Is it true that those alicorns Symphony’s children? Fascinating. Also, I missed the alignment. From what I heard, the Stars put on quite a show. Nightmare must have had a rocking good time.

On an unrelated note, I heard you decided to go for a change of pace in your lifestyle. How’s that going? I’ve always considered friendship to be such a dull prospect. But, then again, you like shaking things up. What was the name of that one again? Shutterfly or something. You go on and on about her affinity for animals in between the lines.

Did you hear about the new stained glass windows over in that city? So many groups of six. That number seems to come up a lot, what with all of history to look over. Doesn’t particularly matter to me either way, I’ve got projects to finish.

I’ve been cultivating this… I suppose experiment is the word I should use, and it’s been growing well. It’s an excellent experiment, what with the fact that I was able to eliminate the primary variables. Ponies are so… bizarre at times with their habits. Anyway, once it’s done growing, I should be able to figure out why ponies put such value into what they do and what they’re willing to give up for friendship. If you ever get the chance, say hello to a mare named Starlight Glimmer. She's an order loving lunatic after my own heart.

Last thing. I know it’s been a while, but please quit with the pet name. Really.

Dear Nothing Original,

I swear it wasn’t me behind the box opening. An evil centaur made me do it.

Author's Note

The original idea behind this story was a cosmic being writing letters to a relative. I spend a lot of time delving into mythology, and the idea of gods and goddesses and whatnot, generally the most powerful beings in the universe, writing to each other cracked me up. The entity writing the letters, if you haven't figured it out, is a personification of order. Call her what you will. I like to call her Pattern.