Chapters Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
Chapter 2 - Cheese Returns
Once again in drifter mode, but this time without the signature Colt Eastwood duds or a rubber chicken companion, the cheddar-colored equine followed the road ahead, winding ever south-by-south westward, with only his instincts, and that very unpredictable Cheesy Sense of his, to guide him.
A conversation or two with a few ponies he met along the way (including a wayward postal stallion) filled our hero in on a few details, but not much. He remembered quite a while back (almost a year ago now) when several spikes and valleys in his Cheesy Sense one day, told him something big was going down in the country. But again, he couldn't place exactly what...
***
Soon... as Luna's Moon rose, the lonely ex-super party pony had found that the road he'd been following, had brought him straight up to the outskirts of Ponyville---the very place he was trying to reach! (*Sigh*) Not that he felt much like celebrating.
Being after dark, with all the shops closed and houses locked up tight, there was nary a pony to be seen besides himself. And now that he no longer had the gaucho hat & poncho (not to mention cigarillo party favor to blow) Cheese Sandwich now had all the appearance... of an average Joe Pony. And at night, that made him stand out even less.
But one definitely stood out to him. A cloaked equine in particular, with striped legs and glowing yellow eyes peering out from under the upturned hood whooshed past him, taking no notice, as it seemed to be searching and pausing every now and then to dig a hoof into the ground. Sometimes bending an ear low to the ground, listening. Or bending a nose to sniff and smell.
Strangely dressed ponies Cheese had seen before on many a Nightmare Night all over Equestria (some such costume parties he had even thrown himself) but none had ever really made him creep out ---in quite the way this one did. He was reasonably sure he'd never met that one before, and certainly didn't know what to make of it. So he tip-hoofed and hid in alleys, nooks or crannies, to keep out of sight from this phantom.
***
Soon he came to the square where Town Hall stood. But, all was quiet, and all the lights were out, so he moved on...
Rarity's Carousel Boutique soon came into view. Whatever lights were on, seemed to be mostly in the back spaces. The living quarters, Cheese assumed, so paying a night visit here didn't seem the best idea...
Soon the smell of, hmmm... cotton candy and...(*sniff, sniff*) cupcakes?---came into range, wafting on the night breeze. Cheese followed his nose to----YES! Sugarcube Corner, the town bakery! But... no... all the lights were out, no more smoke billowed from the chimneys, and through a slightly open window, he could hear... snores. And sleep-whinnies. Nope. If Pinkie Pie was there, she and her employer family the Cakes were all sound asleep.
"Oh, well... the front steps seemed comfy." Cheese thought, so he nestled down on the top step. Perhaps he could curl up here and sleep like a guard Diamond Dog until morning. "Hmph, sleep..." Now he'd wished he hadn't been so hasty about burying his drifter outfit, or at least had sense enough to keep the poncho. He remembered how it always made the perfect campfire blanket on all his lone cross-country road trips between party gigs. Hmm...and the rubber chicken always made a great pillow. How he missed them both, right now. A quick movement out of the corner of one eye, revealed the cloaked equine retreating across town. "Must be leaving." he figured.
Then Cheese straightened up, his Cheesy Sense tingling slightly. He realized something. He had just noticed...something different about the town. At first, he wasn't quite sure what it was. He squinted...then closed his eyes, arched his eyebrows...and opened his eyes wide. Turning his head, he took a long scan around the village landscape before him, trying...to find...
"AHA!" Cheese exclaimed, in a hoarse whisper. "Well, well, well...that's new!" He spied a new structure in a vast clearing just outside of town, where a tall mountain waterfall cascaded down into a lake. The spires. The amethyst crystal walls. The golden gables. "Hoo-hoo-HOO!" he interjected, almost loudly! That certainly wasn't there before. Not on his last visit. "Since when did Ponyville get a CASTLE?"
Then he noticed something else, at another edge of the town: an enormous hole. Or at least, a large impression in the ground of...what used to be a...big tree? "(Gasp) Awww... what happened to the Golden Oak Library? Wonder if that means Twilight had to leave?" Cheese puzzled gloomily.
But then he noticed the big Sparkle Gem on the castle top-most spire. "Ohhh...I get it..." he concluded, "The Castle is Twilight Sparkle's new digs! HA-HA! Oh, what a swingin' classy joint that must be for parties! OH... yeah...right... too bad I'm out of the business, now..." he remembered sadly.
"Hmmm... but if Twilight lives there, now..." Cheese reasoned, "...and the place sure looks big enough...maybe her friends are there, too! Having a big sleepover, perhaps. And if they're there..." He felt a tingle in his tail. "Woo-hoo-hoo-HOO! Another doozie! That means---Pinkie Pie's there, too! YES! (*Ahem*) My Cheesy Sense says so." The big Cheese confirmed.
***
After tip-hoofing, then trotting, cantering...and finally galloping out of town and up to the foot of the new Castle of Friendship, the former king of party ponies brought his hooves to a screeching halt (like Clyde the Camel*; and old friend of Cheese's) to study the new structure. Sure enough, he could see that the lights were on in yonder upper windows. A warm glowing shade of canary yellow. (Luna's Moon had bathed the entire landscape in her own coat's shade of deep indigo, which made the yellow windows seem brighter and stand out proudly!) And... pricking up one ear and craning it around like a radar dish----he could just make out the faint sounds of... You guessed it: MUSIC and LAUGHTER!
"DEFINITELY a party going on in the Castle tonight!" Cheese boldly announced. Not an epic gala, like the annual one in Canterlot, but a more intimate, down-home, get-together soiree' between friends. Yep. That sounded like the bunch he knew.
It also sounded like it wasn't coming from the windows upstairs... but from somewhere downstairs...closer to the base, near the Mane Entrance. Cheese trotted closer for a better view. He climbed up the Golden Steps, then peered in through one of the tall stained glass windows on either side of the large swinging double-doors.
Sure enough again. It was indeed a house party in the Grand Entrance Hall. That DJ Pony---Scratchy Vinyl, or whatever her name was, Cheese thought---was kickin' the bass and flashing her laser-lights, as she head-banged her wild 2-toned blue mane to the beat while flashing her signature rose-tinted sunglasses. Her best friend, Octavia Melody from Trottingham was also head-banging as she jammed to a beat of her own, as she flashed a pair of dark sunglasses and sawed a string bass tune on her classical cello in time to her DJ friend's def-jam mix. All the while, Twilight and her friends Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Spike, Fluttershy, AAAAAAAAND----Pinkie Pie, all trotted in a conga line around the polished floor of the hallway.
"Oh...what the hay. One last fling, ol, Cheesy, for old times' sake?" Cheese decided.
He knew he'd never get their attention while that bass was busy booming, so...like on the steps of Sugarcube Corner, he hunkered down like a dog, and waited for a lull or pause in the bass mix, to try knocking on the big castle doors.
He soon found his chance...as the dance mix faded, and the ponies all flopped in an exhausted heap on one of the hallway's side sofas. Giggles and pants for air were evident from behind the doors.
Then suddenly... Pinkie's tail started twitching! "Huh? Now what's that for?" Pinkie wondered, looking back at her tail.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The knocks rang out like cannon fire!
Inside, everypony STRAIGHTENED UP, goose-necked, and craned their heads slowly toward the double doors...
"Whoa..." said a spooked Twilight Sparkle, "...who could THAT be, and at this late hour?"
"If they're here for the chips & dip, too late...*BUUURP!* I got 'em all!" boasted a full Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy had already ducked under the snack food table, and was trembling violently.
BOOM BA-DA-BOOM-BOOM! BOOM-BOOM!" A 'shave-and-a-haircut' knock.
"(*GAAAAAAAAAASP*) I KNOW THAT KNOCK!" Pinkie Pie said in a high falsetto whisper, her ears now twitching, too!
The pink party pony of Ponyville bounced like on her hoofs like a rubber ball toward the door.
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!" She squealed with childish delight!
"Prepare yourselves, ponies!" Twilight commanded, as she and the others crouched into defensive postures,WHAT'S out there..."
Even Spike assumed an anime' attack stance, and snorted green flames from his stubby little nose.
"Oh, don't be silly, guys!" said Pinkie. "I know who it is!" And she opened the double doors!
"TA-DAAAAAH!" Cheese announced standing upright, his forelegs out wide!
"CHEESE SANDWICH!!" said everypony, smiles beaming brightly!
"THAT'S RIGHT, FRIENDS... THE CHEESE IS BACK IN TOWN!!!"
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER...]
Author's Note
* - Reference to Ray Stevens' Ahab the Arab.
Hmm... I need to go back and study other Cheese Sandwich comics and fanfics... but I'm pretty sure Cheesy had never actually seen the changes made to Ponyville since the Season 4 finale'. (He was seen noticing the rainbow that burst from the Castle of Friendship, arcing across the sky in a brief cameo. I don't think he saw exactly where it came from...) Oh, well... This was how I chose to present his reactions, for this fic.
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
"YAAAAAYYY" Everypony CHEERED!
But then, suddenly... Cheese went stiff! His mane and tail went into violent spasms, and his hazel green eyes rolled like marbles in their sockets. It was as if he were suddenly having some kind of seizure or attack.
"(*GASP*) Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, NO!! Cheesy, what's the matter? Is something wrong?" said Pinkie frantically.
"GANG WAY, EVERYPONY! HE'S 'GONNA BLOW!" called Applejack, as the others all ducked for cover wherever they could.
"Oh, you guys, cut it out! He's not a bomb or anything-----are 'ya?" asked Pinkie Pie curiously.
Impatiently, Rainbow Dash launched out from her hiding spot and soared toward Pinkie. With both forehooves aimed forward, Rainbow Dash shoved her friend out of the way! "NOW!" she bellowed! Pinkie screamed adorably as she sailed across the room, and Dash dove back to the others!
KA-BOOOMM!! Like a firecracker, Cheese BURST INTO FIRE AND SMOKE!
Mimicking Fluttershy, the others all crouched low and put both forehooves over their eyes. Pinkie did likewise, from across the room.
Then...when they were sure the explosion had spent itself, they slowly un-tensed...and raised up to see what had happened.
(*GASP*) CHEESE!" Pinkie shrieked in shock!
A cloud of smoke and ash had risen, and a crater of black ash with rays had emanated out from the blast-point on the floor, from where Cheese Sandwich had entered the Castle. What stood now in its place, was a smoke-black, frizz-maned & tailed, upright husk of ash and pony hide, looking like the remains of a torched piñata. His cheese-yellow shirt was tattered, and his coat black as soot. His hazel-green eyes were crossed, and when he breathed, plumes of spent gunpowder ash issued forth.
Clearly, Cheese was now a burnt sandwich.
"H...H---H-H-Help...?" was all the speech he could manage, before he keeled over and fell forward with a CRASH, like a cut tree,
"Spike! First aid kit, Stat!" Twilight ordered. "On it!" said Spike, bolting away to fetch it.
Slowly, the others came out from under the snack table, as did the musician ponies from their shelter, and gathered in a semi-circle around the smoldering shell of a pony. "Whoa... spontaneous combustion . (Heh) Just like me, back at Froggy Bottom Bog..." Twilight mused, wincing at the memory.
"Is....is he dead, Twilight? " asked Rainbow Dash. Pinkie was in too much shock to speak.
Twilight bent down close to study Cheese's gunpowder-caked face. Small wisps of dust issued forth from his nostrils.
"No, thank goodness. He's breathing, but unconscious." Twilight concluded, levitating the blackened pony into the air with her horn.
She turned to the musician ponies. "Sorry, girls; looks like the party's over for tonight. Great music, though, I can tell you've been practicing. Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Applejack will see you to the door, with your bits. Good night, friends. Safe journey home."*POP*, Twilight teleported, floating Cheese and all!
Looking surprised, sad and sympathetic, the Music Ponies nodded to each other, and proceeded to pack up their gear. As Tavi cased up her cello & bow and collapsed her music stand, Vinyl wheeled her mobile DJ board & speaker platform to the Mane Entrance doors, and Rarity levitated it gently down to the castle's Mane Pathway. Applejack grabbed a bag of gold bits with her teeth and trotted it over to give to Tavi. Before leaving though, both Music Ponies gathered around a very distraught Pinkie Pie, and enveloped her in a soothing group hug.
"Oh, dear, Pinkie, I do hope your friend gets better soon." Tavi offered, with Vinyl nodding in silent agreement.
Poor Pinkie could only nod in turn and return the hug, trying not to break down in tears.
***
As the Music Ponies left the Castle of Friendship, walking their gear on the DJ Platform-mobile back to the Ponyville rental cottage they shared, Vinyl asked: "Mane, oh, mane...that's 'gotta be the first time I've ever seen the famous Super-Duper Party Pony have a nervous breakdown."
"Indeed..." Tavi agreed. But then she stopped mid-trot. "Wait-what? Is that all it was? Just a nervous breakdown?"
"Yep." Vinyl confirmed.
"Goodness... I'd hate to see what happens to him when he gets mad!" Tavi shuddered.
"Whoa-ho-ho! For that, you'd better gallop to the nearest cave!" Vinyl demonstrated a duck-and-cover move.
"Oh, please..." Clearly not impressed, Tavi rolled her amethyst eyes in disgust, with a sour look on her face.
"Must be something serious, though..." said Vinyl, getting back up, "...business really hasn't been too good for him lately. More and more big-name acts have been taking over the party circuit all over Equestria. His style is...well... goin' outta' style. Knowwuddimean?"
"Hmph... He should have stayed with classical music. That never goes out of style!" said Tavi in a haughty manner.
"Meh...doesn't sound the same on accordion. Sorry...concertina. " said Vinyl, raising her rose-tinted sunglasses to see the way home after dark.
"Oh, I don't know...I simply adore his squeeze-box rendition of Rimsky Korsiclop's Flight of the Parasprite! " said Tavi, smiling.
They both laugh-whinnied the rest of the way home.
***
An hour had passed since the end of the party, and Cheese's collapse. Spike had rendezvoused with Twilight in one of the castle guest bedrooms. While the ex-party pony slept, Spike, Rarity and Fluttershy treated his burn scars and bandaged his mane and tail, then gently tucked him into bed, as Twilight supervised. Once that was settled, she left instructions with Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie to watch him and keep him comfortable, as she, Spike, Applejack and Rainbow Dash trotted off to the Castle Library, for any book research useful for this latest crisis.
"Whaddya s'pose it the matter with him, Twilight?" asked Applejack.
"I don't know, AJ; I've never made a thorough study of spontaneous combustion cases before." Twilight fretted.
"What? Phh--heh-heh, oh, come on, Twilight..." Dash laughed, "...like my case of Double-Rainboom wasn't spontaneous? OOF!"
Twilight had stopped suddenly and turned to press noses sternly with Dash!
"NO, it WASN'T... THAT was completely VOLUNTARY, BY YOU. Ponyville is STILL cleaning up after the mess YOU made of MY talent-enhancement potion! Not to mention that other mess you made of the Cloudsdale Weather Factory, WHICH you are still on probation for!" Twilight pointed a stiff hoof squarely at Rainbow.
"(*Gulp*) Alrightalrightalright, already..." said an uncharacteristically timid Rainbow Dash, backing away more like Fluttershy than her usual cocky self. As they reached the Library, she let Twilight and the others go on in. Rainbow hung back, embarrassed and glowering.
"Sheesh... I'm never 'gonna hear the end of either one of those things, am I?" Dash rasped quietly to herself.
"NO, YOU'RE NOT, RAINBOW DASH!" called Twilight & Applejack from inside the library.
Disgusted, Dash growled like a Diamond Dog, and bolted through the Library double doors.
***
More hours passed. It was now past midnight. Cheese's sleep was fitful. Restless. He kept tossing and turning, and murmuring things like: "Aw, come on! That was funny..." or "No, wait, please! Just a little more time, I swear I'll come up with the bits I owe you..." After each thrash, he turned over, and seemed to drift off...only to twitch violently, then pitch and roll again. Fluttershy and Rarity took turns calming him back down, and putting a damp cloth on his forehead, to wipe away the beads of perspiration.
All the while poor Pinkie Pie could only sit on her haunches, watching the plight of her fellow party pony from across the bedroom, monitoring the big picture of what was happening, and trying to get an idea of exactly what that was, if only to keep herself from falling apart.
"Ohhh...this isn't like him..." Pinkie told herself: "Something's broken... I can feel it..."
Indeed she could, as her mane and tail drooped into straight bangs, like they did once before some years back.
Then suddenly, Cheese Sandwich opened his eyes wide... and sat up straight! Clearly wide awake now, he craned his head around slowly, to see where he was.
"It's not time to get up yet, Darling..." said Nurse Rarity, tentatively.
"It's after midnight. You should go right back to sleep..." Nurse Fluttershy cooed, pressing him back down with a gentle but firm hoof.
"No, WAIT! Please..." Patient Cheese pleaded, placing a hoof in turn on Fluttershy's. "I have to speak to Pinkie Pie."
After a pause, they both looked to Pinkie Pie across the room. Their silent beckon call roused Pinkie to her feet.
"Alone ....please?" he pleaded again.
After another pause, Rarity said: "Oh...um... Yes, of course..." She bowed her head and started ambling toward the double doors.
"We'll be just outside if you need us..." said Fluttershy, following in turn.
Pinkie Pie was just approaching the foot of the bed, as Rarity closed the doors magically. Fluttershy hunkered down on the floor, perfectly content to sit and wait until needed again. But Rarity, gossip fan that she was, couldn't resist putting an ear to one door to eavesdrop.
There wasn't much she could make out. Just snatches of Cheese saying: "Sorry for ruining the party..." and Pinkie saying that was okay. Rarity scrunched her face tighter, trying to hear better. She wondered if Twilight knew of an advanced spell for enhanced hearing, but then Rarity knew perfectly well that if she asked that of Twilight, it would give away her own eavesdropping habit.
She didn't have to, though. Soon a shrill "WHAT?" burst from Pinkie's throat! Muffled a bit coming though the door, but clear.
Rarity pressed closer, as Fluttershy straightened up quickly, concerned. Curious, she got up slowly, keeping her hoofclops quiet.
"NO....NO! YOU CAN'T! (*Sob*) WHY, CHEESY...WHY??" was the next snatch Rarity & Fluttershy could make out.
"I HAVE TO! I'VE GOT NO CHOICE! I'VE ONLY GOT 30 DAYS!" Now Cheese was shouting! Something was definitely wrong.
"Oh, no...this sounds serious." Fluttershy whispered, but Rarity hushed her anyway.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie..." Cheese seemed to be saying: "...I didn't know who else to turn to. And to top it all off, you saw what happened tonight!"
"What? What did? Is that why you just exploded all of a sudden? Aw, Cheesy, please tell me, WHAT HAPPENED?" Pinkie pleaded!
Another long silence... then, a glass-shattering cry: "IT'S WHAT???? " Definitely Pinkie.
BOOM-BANG! the bedroom double doors BURST OPEN! Rarity and Fluttershy were knocked off their hooves, landing in horse heaps, eyes spinning.
Pinkie Pie ZOOMED through the castle in the direction of the library, rivaling Rainbow Dash for breakneck speed!
BOOM-BANG! Again, a pair of double doors BURST OPEN! This time, the Castle Library doors!
"TWILIIIIIIGHT!" an alarmed Pinkie Pie HOLLERED at the top of her lungs!
SHRIEKS of surprise were followed by books dropping and Applejack & Spike toppling from a ladder, to land on Rainbow Dash, who flew to cushion their fall.
"Whew! Thanks, pardner!" said Applejack.
"(*Gasp*) d-on-t m-ention-n it..." said the winded Pegasus.
"Pinkie Pie...this may be a Castle Library, but it is STILL A LIBRARY! There's no need to SHOUT!" Twilight admonished.
"Then why are you doing it?" asked Pinkie in a playful tone.
"I... (*grrrr*) what is it, Pinkie Pie?" asked Twilight, in as assertive a manner as she could muster.
Rushing up to the Princess of Friendship, the horrified Laughter Pony grabbed her face, and brought it close to hers!
"IT'S CHEESE SANDWICH!" said Pinkie, dramatically: "HIS CHEESY SENSE IS...(*Gulp*).... BUSTED!"
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER...]
Author's Note
Whoa... Looks like Cheese's party career has now gone out with a BANG!
(Yeah, I know, not funny...)
This the first time I'm composing this story right on the forum, instead of in a separate manuscript file for transfer later. Boy, it's hard to navigate a story around the Castle of Friendship, when there's no floorplan from the TV show or comics to follow. I can't tell if the bedrooms are above or below the library, and so on. Any ideas there, folks?
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
Chapter 4 - Pink of an Eye
“BUSTED!?” Said Twilight, Spike, Applejack and Rainbow Dash, all at once!
“Uh-huh. That’s why he exploded at the party tonight! His Cheesy Sense has SELF-DESTRUCTED! Or at least that’s what he told me after waking up in the bedroom a short while ago. Oh, Twilight, what are we ‘gonna do, what am I ‘gonna do, even worse, what’s HE ‘gonna do? Now he says he’s out of work and will have to quit the party ‘biz, and he’s only got 30 days to come up with the rent money he owes his landlady in Manehattan, or he’s ‘gonna be HOMELESS! (*Pant, pant, pant*)”
Pinkie was babbling away a mile-a-minute as usual, until at last she caught herself, and started hyper-ventilating.
“Okay, okay, Pinkie, just calm down, just---come on, work with me here, CALM DOWN, Pinkie Pie!” Twilight ordered, trying to talk down her frantic friend.
“Okay, okay, I’m calm, I’m cool, I’m calm…calm…(*Pant, pant, pant*) No I'm not, no I'm not!” Pinkie tried, but kept respiring at hyper-speed.
“Hang on, Sugarcube…” said Applejack, trotting over. She started working Pinkie’s shoulders and back, like a masseuse. “There, there, just relax. T’ain’t ‘gonna help your friend none to get yourself all riled up like that. This ain’t your problem, Pinkie Pie. It’s his; pure and simple.”
“But he’s my friend!" Pinkie turned around and retorted, “And now he’s in trouble! I can’t just leave him hanging!
“WHAT? COLD!? ME?? Now, wait just a gall-darned minute there, Little Miss Happy-Hooves…” warned Applejack, marching forward in a threatening posture.
“QUIET!!” Twilight hollered! “NO FIGHTING IN THE LIBRARY, OR THE CASTLE! GOT IT?”
Twilight emphasized her command by pouncing into an attack stance on all fours, her wings flared out to either side, and her nostrils snorting like a bull.
At this, Rainbow Dash couldn’t help herself. She lowered her head, shook her mane, and started laughing …
“(*Giggle*) You should see how silly you look, Twilight, trying to look like an angry yak! BA-HAHAHAHA!!” Rainbow rolled over laughing!
Twilight immediately looked across the library----at the trans-dimensional portal mirror to Sunset Shimmer’s other world---and studied her own reflection. Sure enough, the grimacing purple Alicorn staring back, looked absolutely…ridiculous .
At this, the Friendship Princess let her guard down, and her wings, and just slumped on her hooves. “(*Giggle*) Okay, okay…” she relented.
Then Twilight let out a huge Manticore-esque YAAAWWWN … acknowledging the lateness of the hour.
It was catching; everypony else in the library did likewise. It was after 1 o’clock in the morning by now.
“Look, it’s late, we’re all tired, and Cheese is safely tucked in bed for the night. I suggest we all do the same and hit the hay." Twilight concluded.
“But…but,..” Pinkie tried to press.
“No buts! SLEEP, Pinkie. There’s nothing more we can do for him tonight. Just let it go ‘til morning. Go to bed." Twilight ordered.
Defeated, Pinkie slumped as well, “(*Sigh*) Okay…” she said sadly, and started clopping her way out the library open double-doors.
“Next time, Dash, you check the high shelves.” said Applejack.
“Oh, yeah, right…” said Rainbow Dash, sheepishly.
Twilight & Spike were last, but then Spike quickly doubled back, and ran to pick up a book from one of the lower shelves.
He held up to Twilight a copy of: Starswirl's Magical Guide to Unusual Ailments. “Spontaneous combustion. Chapter 6.” he confirmed.
Twilight yawned again. “Just put it by my bedside, Spike. I’ll have to read it in the morning.” she managed weakly, and magically pulled the library doors closed behind her as they left.
After Dr. Twilight relieved Rarity & Fluttershy of their nurse duties, the Mane 6 left the guest bedroom and filed off to their respective beds, and called it a night.
***
“(*Groan*) Okay, let me get this straight…” said a groggy Twilight less-than-Sparkle at breakfast in the Grand Dining Hall the next morning, as the others (Cheese included) all enjoyed their customary first meal of the day: Pancakes a-la Applejack. Twilight rubbed her temples with her forehooves, in the vain hope of thinking more clearly, before continuing.
“…Cheese Sandwich, you’re 3 months behind on your rent in Manehattan. Your landlady won’t support your party career anymore; you've got 29 days left to find a 'real job' ..” she made the quotations with her hooves, “…and starting earning 'real money' to pay the 1,500 bits you owe her in back rent, or she’s going to evict you?”
“That’s pretty much it,” said Cheese, still wearing a bandage on his mane, “I quit the gigs, or lose my digs. The only problem is: the party circuit is all I know. All my life, my calling has been to entertain ponies and make them happy. If I can’t do that anymore, what else am I going to do with my life? I sing, I act, tell jokes, play accordion, wear costumes, plan parties…a little painting, drawing and creative writing on the side, I’ve even DJ'ed….but that’s it. That’s all I'm qualified for. That’s my whole resume’! I don’t have any other job skills!”
“And to top it all off, he said…” Pinkie Pie added, “…his Cheesy Sense went SUPERNOVA! It blew up right in front of us last night! So now he can’t sense where his next party gig is going to be…”
“…Or where my next job is going to be…” Cheese continued, “…without that sixth sense that’s been my only compass…how am I supposed to find out where I belong? So that’s it, now…I’m stuck. No plan, and no guidance..."
Feeling depressed, Cheese picked up his accordion (funny how he always managed to have it close by) began squeeze-boxing a mournful, bluesy tune on it. (Even funnier is how an accordion could actually sound bluesy, if played right) and launched into a pitiful, funeral dirge-like song:
"What do you do...when your party days are through...
What is your plan, when your life's flushed down the can...
What's a pony to do...when he no longer can do...
What his Cutie Mark is telling him to do...?
What's a pony to do...when he no longer can do...
What his Cutie Mark is telling him...
To... do... ?"
As the song ended, Cheese folded the accordion back into shape...and plopped his head face-down on the table.
Long faces and a long palpable silence followed.
“Bummer…” said Spike sadly.
“Double bummer. No more Birth-iversaries…” moaned Rainbow Dash.
“Shucks…never even thought o' that, myself. I ‘dunno what I’d do if I couldn’t grow apples no more…” said Applejack glumly.
“And I can’t imagine what I'd do if I couldn’t make dresses anymore…” pouted Rarity.
“…Nor I , if I had to stop taking care of animals…” Fluttershy barely said, sinking below table level.
“Oh, mane…no more weather duties? Or flying? I could not live like that…” Dash quailed.
WUMP!
Twilight thumped a sound hoof on the table, making the others jump, as she got up from her seat and started pace-trotting.
“Okay, that’s enough gloom-and-doom for one morning! Time to think...”
Twilight paced. And thought. And paced some more. And thought some more… She eyed Pinkie for a moment, but then returned to her deep-thinking…
Then suddenly, she stopped, looked at Pinkie again, and straightened up, eyes bright and smile wide!
All Pinkie & Cheese could say was… “Huh?”
“YOU have a second job, don’t you, Pinkie Pie? You’re not a party pony all the time?”
“(*Gasp*) Hey, that’s right!” said Pinkie, “I help in the kitchen with the baking at Sugarcube Corner! Plus, every now and then,3 jobs I have!”
Pinkie paused, then glowered & smiled at the same time, with confidence. Then she looked her fellow party pony in the eye.
“Cheese…how good are you at baking?" she asked, point-blank.
“Oh! Well…outside of birthday cakes, party pizza, and…the usual can of cold beans on the road between gigs…”not much , I’m afraid.”
“Ooh-ooh! I bet I could teach you! Yes-yes, I could! I know…you could be my assistant in training! I can give you on-the-job training at Sugarcube Corner! The Cakes will LOVE IT! I know they will! They know you, so I know they’d just LOVE having you on the baking staff!” Pinkie bounced up and down in nervous excitement.
“Um…Pinkie…” said Cheese, matter-of-factly, “…what if I turn out not to be a baker?”
At this, Pinkie stopped in mid-air, and floated back down, with a sourball candy look on her face, as if to say:
"Look, Cheese, I'm trying to open a door here for you; what are you slamming it shut for?"
“(*Ahem*) Well, then pardner…” Applejack offered, “…how good are ‘ya at buckin' apples? Sweet Apple Acres could always use an extra farm hoof or two! Besides…it’s almost Cider Season again. You could help with the harvest, and entertain!”
“Hmm…” Cheese considered, “…now that's got potential.”
Pinkie went even more sour, as if to say: "Oh...and I DON'T?"
Then Rarity put in, “(*Ahem*) And of course, if you don’t feel like bucking apples for the rest of your life, I could always use a helping hoof or two at the Carousel Boutique. You certainly look strong & handsome enough for textile work…” she added, batting her pretty eyes. At this, Spike nearly smoldered with jealousy. As did Pinkie.
“Ah, well…heh-heh, um…” Cheese stammered, now blushing from the awkward attention.
But then he felt a tug at his bandage, as Fluttershy (now in one of her rare bold moments) said:
“You know…if you can train a little white mouse to sit in your mouth and play a horn, I bet you’re really good with animals…”
If Cheese were a steam whistle, he would be right about to blow right now. His blush went from pink to red.
Pinkie also seemed about to reach critical mass.
“GIRLS! GIRLS! THAT’S ENOUGH!” ordered Twilight, clapping her hooves together!
Pouting, they all backed away and resumed their table seats. All except Pinkie, who grinned smugly, and wrapped both forehooves possessively around Cheese. "MINE!" she seemed to say with he angry blue-eyed stare all around at the others.
“Ponies, I have a solution…” Twilight announced, “…time share. Cheese, once you’re all healed up, you’ll spend one day with each of us, helping out with the job at hoof. That’s one day baking with Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner, one day bucking apples with Applejack, one day helping Rarity with fashion design at Carousel Boutique, and so on. That should take about…6 days overall. By then, we should have a fair idea what other things you’re good at, for a new career.”
The others all nodded in agreement, but Cheese still held back a bit. “And…if all that doesn’t work out?” he cringed.
Awkward pause...
Now it was Twilight’s turn to glower…and face-hoof. “Hoo-boy…you just keep looking for trouble, don’t you?”
“(*Sigh*) …If and ONLY IF all that doesn’t work out… well, then, Cheese…you’ll just have to do what everypony else does with no sixth sense to find a new job… march your own flank down to Town Hall every day, and check the postings on the Community Bulletin Board. There’s always somepony hiring for something, somewhere, each and every day. I believe that’s about as clear as I can put it, Party Boy.” Twilight finished, calmly but clearly annoyed, with folded forehooves.
All the others turned to share Twilight’s droll face and folded forehooves with the reluctant Cheese…who now seemed to be melting with regret. And indecision.
Even Pinkie shared their sentiment, but tried to soften the blow, and said point-blank to him:
“Look...you came here asking for help, Cheesy. And…you might as well face it; this is the best you’re ‘gonna get. It’s this…or an old cardboard box in a dirty alley, back in Manehattan. I don’t ‘wanna see that happen to you, Cheesy…none of us do. But...what happens when your accordion breaks for the last time, and you can’t afford to fix it or get a new one? End of the line, Cheese. Party’s over. Where’s the fun in that? Please…give it a chance, won’t you? I promise you, it won't be forever. Just until you can pay off your rent, and get back on your own four hooves again. Please….you can do that for me, can’t you?” Poor Pinkie was on the verge of tears.
Pinkie then grabbed a cupcake from the table (funny how she always managed to have one close by) squashed it into one eye,
Now Cheese was on the verge of tears. As was everypony else at the table. He slumped again, then raised a hoof to Pinkie’s.
“(*Sigh*) Okay… Swear on Camembert.” said Cheese.
The pact was made. No turning back now.
CHEERS, HOOFCLAPS and sobs of joy bloomed around the dining table, filling the Castle Dining Room with merriment!!
“YIPPEE!!” hollered Pinkie Pie, “Okey Dokey Lokey! Trust me, Cheese Sandwich! You’ll see!
You’ll have a brand new career , in the PINK OF AN EYE!”
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER…]
Author's Note
Whoa...real emotional.
Had this conversation about a week ago with my landlord and his family, after church. My toes are still covered in ice.
Got an appointment next week to see Vocational Rehab people to see about training for new work, since I can't afford to go back to college. Also applied blindly to anything from school janitor to cafeteria helper. No callbacks or interviews yet. After devoting 25 years to the one career on the community party & entertainment circuit, how do you just leap into the next one with no training whatsoever? Sorry, but I've got no Cheesy or Pinky Sense to guide me. Not even the Force... Just my conscience, and faith in my Creator.
My model for Twilight's 'last resort' solution was the (now defunct) online roleplaying game "Welcome to Ponyville - Act 1" (And now that it's defunct, there won't be an Act 2. essential elements for this kind of fanfic. Let's see where this goes!
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
It took a while for Cheese’s burn scars to finally heal up enough for him to work. During that time, he toured Friendship Castle on hoof, read a few books in Twilight’s library, or just stood out on the High Balcony to watch the cascading of the nearby mountain waterfall, or to just stare off blankly into the distance while he thought back on this life as a traveling party pony, and wondered why he never took up a second trade or two as a backup, outside of the entertainment field.
Cheese had majored & earned an Associate degree in graphic arts in the ivy-league halls of Manehattan University (minoring in music, art & drama for fun) but he never pursued it as a career. Didn’t want to get his hooves dirty with print shop ink. Hmm… no, that wasn’t the reason. Actually, he just didn’t want to get hoof-cuffed to a printing press for the rest of his life. The only reason he took it, was because his father insisted: "Son, there will ALWAYS be a need for a commercial artist in this world!"
“Nice try, Dad…” Cheese thought. In truth, there was too much supply in the graphic arts field, and not enough demand. Too many other MU Arts graduate students competing, and too few job openings available.
Besides, the "screening process" was another something Cheese loathed about employers; nothing but a bunch of pompous stuffed shirts looking down their noses at you, and picking you apart to find your faults instead of looking at your potential, to consider you for hiring. Don’t they know how that destroys a pony’s self-confidence? And another thing: why does a pony’s true self-worth always have to depend on what kind of job they hold, how many bits they earn, what kind of clothes they wear, what cart or chariot they own, or what class of ponies they associate with? Uh-uh…Cheese Sandwich never wanted anything to do with being a slave to money or social status. How could other ponies stand it?
"But never let it be said that a Sandwich never did an HONEST DAY'S WORK in his life!" Another one of Dad’s maxims. The very one he’d used in order to justify setting Cheese up with his very first job----working weekends at a friend’s local cart & chariot wash in Hooflyn. Cheese hated it. No, not the greasy garage, the sleazy co-workers, or the calloused customers. He despised the very idea of being a "proletarian pony," or slave-class workhorse for the rest of his life. His talents were far greater than this, and quite literally, they weren’t being harnessed. But…a Sandwich is also obedient to his family. So he worked the job ‘til his hooves peeled. But no force in the Heavens, on Earth, or in the depths of Tartarus…was ever going to make him like it. He even made up his first parody song on the job there, as he worked his long-handled soap-lathered scrub-brush on a big wheel:
"Now I've got them
Steadily depressin', low-down, mind-messin'
Pony Wagon Cart-Wash Blues*..."
But of course, one sour look from his supervisor, and he had to clam up and keep working, in silence.
At least one customer appreciated his entertainment skills: a radio personality named Captain Twisto---a blonde unicorn stallion with headphones and a mic tattooed on the sides of his cart as well as his flank---heard that particular song as Cheese was buffing the hubs of his glossy chariot, and invited Cheese over to his mid-town 27th floor broadcast studio after college one night the following week. It led to Cheese’s first record deal, and soon it was all over the Manehattan airwaves. A great novelty…but it got him fired from the cart-wash, and grounded for a week by his father.
So…was it really his problem, or the world's problem, that what he chose to do with his Gods-given natural-born entertainment talents, no longer earned him a substantial enough living now? Was his Cutie Mark calling just supposed to be a hobby, and not a career? WHY? If he was never supposed to make a living with his talents…then why in the hay was he born with them in the first place? That made no sense to Cheese whatsoever, even before he discovered his (now defunct) Cheesy Sense. He’d talked it over many times with his parents, his brother, with friends and relatives…gurus and other motivational leaders…but none of them gave him a wise enough answer he could live with. They just didn’t know. (*Sigh*) And now, neither did he.
So, again…was it all worth it or not, being the Super-Duper Party Pony? On the one hoof, yes…doing what came naturally, spreading happiness, smiles, giggles & grins, the costumes, the songs, jokes, games, shows…the memories, fame and reputation… Yes, that part was worth it.
But then on the other hoof, no…the bills, the back rent, the money that didn't always come naturally or on time, making excuses, the constant breaking down & replacing of equipment, constant hunger for lack of bits for food & drink, constant loneliness due to long travel between gigs, constant put-downs from critics telling you your chosen profession is 'not a real job' ----and worst of all: no insurance, no social security credits, and no retirement plan to show for all that good hard work and happiness.
No…that part was not worth it. It was a gypsy peasant life between gigs, but that came with the territory, Cheese knew…
It wasn’t all worthwhile. But it wasn’t all worthless, either.
But now… he had reached an impasse. A crossroads. And he had to choose which way to go next.
If he continued down the path he knew and loved, and was happy with….it was only a means to an end.
But if he took the path he didn’t know…where would he end up? What would be become? And, would he be happy?
Again…the party pony formerly known as Cheese Sandwich, just didn’t know.
The only thing Cheese did know was: this time… he couldn't go it alone.
***
“(*Aheh-hem*) WHO’S HUNGRY FOR A CHEESE SANDWICH?" a perky high-pitched voice soon piped up from behind!
On this particular day, Cheese hadn’t been watching the time, being so lost in his own thoughts, so he wasn’t aware until now that he had forgotten to join the Mane 6 downstairs for lunch. He didn’t move from his spot on the balcony, nor did he turn around to see his best friend. He just kept staring off at the mountain waterfall in the distance (the soothing sight of the water’s action had been helping him to think) and just said: “Hey, Pinks.”
“Hay? (*Giggle*) Hay is for horses, silly…” Pinkie jokingly retorted, as she wheeled a small wooden food cart over to him, with a covered dish. Wearing a white puffy chef’s hat and a cheese-stained white kitchen apron, and draping a white cloth over one forehoof, she lifted the dish cover and piped up in her best mock-Prench accent:
“(*A-heh-hem*) Today’s lunch special for ze monsieur: Sandwich de Fromage a la Carte. Compliments of ze management of Le Chateau du Mon Ami! Bon appétit, Monsieur! (*Pop-pop*)” She made a popping sound by patting her other forehoof against her mouth.
Weakly, Cheese smiled and said: “Vive le Prance…” and dryly whistled the first bars the Prench national anthem.
“(*Giggle*) You do know you sound like a lawn-mower when you do that?” Pinkie added wittingly, trying to lighten the mood.
No response. Now Pinkie’s chef’s hat drooped over. Softly, she nudged the cart over, closer to him.
“Aw, come on, Cheesy, it’s your favorite. I made it, special. Extra layers and all, just the way you like it.”
“Hmm…does it come with your special blend of pink lemonade?" he asked, teasingly.
In answer, he heard the tinkling of ice cubes in a glass, and the slosh-gurgle-babble of cool thin liquid pouring into it.
“Would I serve any less, to my special guest?" Pinkie answer-questioned back, with a SQUEE grin.
Cheese turned around at last, and Pinkie whipped out a small folding tray, to serve him his lunch.
Cheese came over and---ooh, gingerly---sat down on his haunches. His bandaged tail was still on the mend.
The two sat on their haunches on the balcony, and as Cheese ate, he relayed to Pinkie between bites, all that he had been remembering and reflecting on. Pinkie listened with rapt interest, with only a few random Q&A pauses to chew on the details, while he chewed his sandwich.
Pinkie and the Mane 6 were very good company at times like this. Better than, Cheese guessed, what he would’ve gotten if he’d been rushed to Ponyville Hospital instead of convalescing here. Just as well, he figured. He had no more health insurance for hospitalization, anyway. Another one of life’s little noble sacrifices to keep his party practice going. Only now, seeing how complicated his life had become, maybe it wasn’t such a noble sacrifice after all. "Cheesy, dear, if you spend too much time devoted to your dreams, how do you expect to remember how to live?" Mom’s words now floating back into memory. "Have I been spending all this time, going in the wrong direction?" Cheese asked Pinkie, after explaining.
“Well…” Pinkie offered, “…look at it this way, Cheese… Maybe now it’s a good thing your Cheesy Sense is down. I mean, ever since you first tapped into it, it’s been your whole life. You’ve been letting it tell you where to go, what to do, and who to help. You’ve been letting it run you , instead of the other way around. Cheese…isn’t that just another form of slavery? An addiction? That’s not good for you, either. But now it’s over. You’re free of it! You’re your own pony once again! You’re free to think, feel, and choose for yourself, now. You're in control; not this mysterious other power. You can make your own choices, now." Then Pinkie smiled. "And I think this is the best thing that's ever happened to you."
At this, Cheese seemed to choke on his glass of lemonade!
"*(Cough, cough*) Um...it is? " asked Cheese incredulously, after a few sputters, "...because before, you were acting like it was the worst thing, remember? You were begging me not to quit. And now...you're... you're actually okay with it?"
"(*Giggle*) A mare can change her mind, can't she?" Pinkie explained. "Look...I see your point. I see Twilight's point. And I see everypony else's points, too. Change can be a very scary thing, if not the scariest thing of all. No one ever likes the idea of trotting away from the thing they've known and loved doing all their lives... I didn't want to quit the party 'biz, either, even when I thought you were taking over my job with Rainbow Dash's big Birth-iversary Bash. But that time got me to take a good hard look at myself, and try out new things. I tried construction work, postal delivery, hospital aide, all sorts of other things. I mean, sure I was lousy at every last one of them! But, you know, with a little more practice...any new direction can be mastered, and become less scary. Just 'cause you 'gotta change, Cheese, doesn't mean you 'gotta be scared of being bad at it. Twilight tells me failure's a good thing; we learn more from that than from our successes. Even Luna wasn't an instant success on Nightmare Night, but by and by...she's gotten better. (And I had to promise not to scream and run away from her, even in good fun.) Well...I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't be afraid to fail. Go ahead and try new things, and make as many mistakes as you want...'cause I promise you, Cheesy...you'll learn new things from it all...and you will become a stronger pony for it. Don't let anypony tell you different. There's just 'gotta be more to the world-famous Cheese Sandwich, than just parties."
For a while, the 2 ponies stared at each other. "Any of this making sense to you, Cheesy?"
He put the last of his sandwich in his mouth, chewed, and gulped hard. "(*Grunt*)...some of it's a bit hard to swallow."
She laughed that infectious laughter that made up her Element of Harmony.
"...But...not impossible to digest, I suppose. Okay, Pinkie... I won't be afraid to fail. Or to try. As my father told me:Never let it be said a Sandwich never did an honest day's work in his life!" Now it was Cheese's turn to SQUEE grin.
Overjoyed, Pinkie wrapped her friend up in a warm embrace.
(*BU-U-U-U-UR-R-R-P*) a long LOUD BELCH of cheese issued from the exiled Manehattanite's lips.
"EEWwww...(giggle) What was that for?" asked Pinkie, waving the smell away with a hoof.
"(*Hic*) 'Scuse me. Good sandwich." he apologized, sheepishly.
They both sank into a mutual bout of raucous LAUGHTER!!
***
From just inside the double doors to the High Balcony, Twilight and the others were watching the 2 party ponies.
"(*Whew*) Well... that went better than expected." Twilight said softly.
"You think he suspected that sandwich was enchanted with the overnight healing spell you cast?" asked the little dragon.
"Doesn't matter now, Spike. He's taken it like medicine. He should be fit as a fiddle by morning, and ready to get to work!"
"Hmm...after all that fiddling around out there, I'd say Pinkie is still the best medicine for him." Rarity said, lovingly.
"Hmm... you know, if we tied some of Pinkie's balloons to his back, I bet I could show him how to kick some clouds!" Rainbow Dash mused.
"Later, Rainbow Dash." said Twilight, "I think he'll be ready to help Pinkie in the Sugarcube Corner bakery tomorrow."
"Then harvesting apples at Sweet Apple Acres the next day..." added Applejack.
"And then helping me assemble gowns at Carousel Boutique the next! " said Rarity in singsong.
Rainbow was about to speak...but then noticed Fluttershy about to do the same. Shy blushed and backed away instead.
"(*Sigh*) I know, I know... and helping you with the animals at your place the next. Fine, whatever..." Dashed groused.
Thinking about all this, Rarity wondered out loud: "Well... all this effort on our part, for just one out-of-work pony.really something an Alicorn Princess of Equestria should be bothering with?"
"Of course it is... for the Friendship Princess!" Twilight declared. "I just read it in one of my Friendship books in the Castle Library:
A FRIEND IN NEED, IS A FRIEND INDEED!"
"Woowww..." said Spike, in awe.
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER...]
Author's Note
* - Derived from Jim Croce's Workin' at the Car Wash Blues.
Yep. More soul-searching today. And more job apps. This time to a local laundry service, as a dirty clothes sorter. Just the app today; no interviews or offers yet. Only 52 more to go...
Seems I can't write a single-chapter short story here; not like I did with the 2 Seuss parodies. Hope this doesn't turn into a 5-year saga.
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
Chapter 6 - The Breakfast Flub
Early the next morning…before anypony else rose…Cheese Sandwich rolled his eyes open, yawned & stretched, and got out of bed. He felt…good. REALLY good. . He even shook his head & tail bandages off. He wandered to the nearest mirror and checked himself all over. Not a burn scar left. “Wow…” he whispered. “(Heh) Must’ve been something I ate." he joked.
No doubt about it, Cheese was feeling like his old self again. Well…minus the Cheesy Sense.
“Aw…Gods bless Pinkie Pie and all her friends. The best friends anypony could have. They deserve something really special from me. Hmm…but what, exactly?” He thought. And thought. Then…an idea came to him. With no Cheesy Sense tingling.
Deciding he’d slept enough, in spite of the early hour, he tip-hoofed down to the kitchen. Carefully, so as not to make any loud noises to wake the others, he poked through the cabinets and other stores, for something to fix for breakfast. Not just for himself, but for Pinkie Pie and her friends, too. If he was going to work in a kitchen today anyway, he might as well get into practice right now.
“Today, I'll make breakfast for them!" he declared. Hmm…but what to make?
Cheese rummaged some more, until he found…what looked like…a large economy-sized box of…cold cereal? Well..at least it was something he didn’t have to cook, remembering he wasn’t all that experienced at the stove. He nosed through the refrigerator, and found what he presumed was…a milk jug? “Okay…now for bowls…spoons…and…juice?” he said, supervising himself.
He soon found apple juice…some assorted fruits to put in a big bowl…and…what else, oh, yes…bread & butter, for toast. The toaster itself seemed simple enough to operate, so he could cook that much. How hard could toast be, compared to party pizza?
***
Soon, as Luna’s Moon set and Celestia’s Sun rose, the Mane 6 began to stir awake. Fluttershy could already pick up ayummy …” Her mouth began to water.
Twilight noticed it, too. “(*Sniff*) Hmm…say, you’re right. Is that…breakfast?" she wondered.
“(*Gasp*) Wait a minute…I usually make breakfast! What in tarnation---?” Applejack began, sitting up in bed.
But before AJ could finish her sentence…they all heard…accordion music. Sounded like..."A Walk Thru White-Tail Woods." breakfast is on the table! COME AND GET IT!”
“(*Gasp*) Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh---WHEE! It worked, Twilight! It worked, it worked, it worked! He’s all better now, and he’s made breakfast for us! YES-YES-YES-YES-YES! Come on, everypony, let’s GO! WHEE!” Pinkie babbled as she bounced out of bed and spring-bounced in her usual fashion, out the bedroom door, downstairs to the Mane Dining Hall.
“(*Grrr*) He’d better not have made a mess of my kitchen, like he did in the Mane Hallway on party night…” Applejack grumbled, as she fetched her tan Studson cowpony hat and cocked it into place on her blonde-maned head.
“Well…this is Cheese Sandwich we’re talking about, girls.” said Rarity, “I mean, it can’t possibly be any worse than that atrocious dinner party with Discord a while back, can it? Heh-heh!”
“Ecch! tell me about it…” said Rainbow Dash. “My lap is still stinging from that hot gravy boat incident! Ouch…”
“Hmph! Well, it worked, didn’t it?” said Fluttershy back in brave mode, as she confidently combed her mane with a hoof-brush. “Discord reformed. If he can do it, anypony can. Even Cheese Sandwich. He was kind enough to get up early and do this for us. That’s saying something positive about him. Let’s give him a chance.”
“Agreed. Come on, ponies, I’m starving…” Twilight commanded.
“Here-here,” Spike concurred, “I mean, compared to Discord, how bad can Cheese Sandwich be?”
As soon as he said those words, Spike wished he hadn’t. That was clearly an open invitation for trouble.
***
Soon, one by one, the mares of Princess Twilight’s Court of Friendship made their way down to the Mane Dining Hall. Cheese had breakfast all laid out on the Grand Table, in 8 respective place settings: Twilight, Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and himself. Each placing--except Spike's---had a glass of milk, glass of apple juice, a plate of buttered toast, and a bowl of crunchy oat cereal all ready & waiting. For Spike instead of cereal, his bowl was filled with colorful gems. (Cheese remembered that about dragons, having worked a few dragon parties, too.) Not as grand as Pancakes a la Applejack, but hey, a kitchen pony’s got to start somewhere.
Cheese himself was clad in chef’s hat & apron, same as Pinkie Pie the day before, and squeeze-boxing a morning serenade, while trotting a graceful waltz on his hind-hooves. “Friends, ponies, country-mares*…breakfast is served." he repeat-announced, finishing on
“WHEE!” squealed Pinkie Pie as she bounced up to her placing. “Come on, everypony, eat up!"
One by one, the ponies took their places, eyes wide with delight.
“Well, well…nice job, Cheese!” said Twilight. “I can see this day is off to a great start.”
“Umm…might ‘wanna hold that thought, Sugar cube…” said a dubious Applejack, as she noticed something strange
Mildly alarmed, Pinkie and Cheese craned toward AJ. Pinkie’s ears began to twitch. “Uh-oh…” she whispered.
There were tiny dark specs on the O’s of oat cereal. They seemed odd to Applejack.
“Huh? What’s wrong?” Twilight inquired.
Then Rainbow Dash noticed something strange at her own placing: a faint sour odor in the air. She sniffed a few times.CLINK!
Twilight turned her head to see. “Rainbow Dash, what’re you doing?”
Dash righted her head, taking the glass up with it in her teeth. The milk did not spill.standing up on the table, in a gelatinous, jiggling mound, shaped like the glass!clunked , fell over, and rolled a bit.
“EWWW…!!” said a repulsed Rarity, "CURDLED MILK! Disgusting!” She recoiled and backed away from the table!
All but Applejack, still scrutinizing her cereal bowl. Then she gasped , as one of the specs…moved. swarming with them!
"ANTS!" she neighed , and nearly galloped backwards from the table! “Meep…” said a quailing Fluttershy.
“Uh-ohh…” said Cheese, cringing as his ears, mane & tail drooped, and his accordion emitted a chord of sour notes.
Then AJ glanced back at her glass of apple juice: oily-looking and thick as pie-filling! And the toast…moldy.
“Somethin’ must’a gone wrong with the fridge last night! Come on , Rarity…” Applejack commanded as she galloped
“But I don’t understand, I cast that chilling spell myself; it was perfectly fine…” Rarity babbled, following AJ.
Impatient (and still quite hungry) Twilight Sparkle glowered stormily at Cheese, who wilted apologetically.
“Everything looked fine in there this morning to me, I swear!” he tried, awkwardly.
But Pinkie Pie smiled her widest SQUEE grin, and started babbling:"
Pinkie grabbed Cheese by the mane with her teeth (he dropped the accordion) and they both galloped at top speed out of the Dining Room double doors, to quickly vacate the castle!
“CHEESE SANDWICH, PINKIE PIE, YOU TWO COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS---THIS… (*Groan*) Oh, forget it…”
Twilight knew she could just teleport right in front of them outside the castle and give them a stern taking-to, saying: "This ISN'T OVER, you two! I SWEAR I'm going to get to the BOTTOM of this! You'd better SHAPE UP, Cheese Sandwich; you've got only 25 DAYS LEFT!" then teleport away again.
But…thinking better of it, she let it go and looked over at Spike----the only one in the castle this morning with a full breakfast to feed on---happily munching his gems.
“(*Gulp*) Oh, well…I stand corrected.” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
Rolling her eyes, Twilight levitated one small amethyst stone from the bowl, and popped it into her mouth.
“Wow…you can eat gems too, now?” asked Spike, wondering if she’d cast a gem-eating spell on herself.
“(*Nom-nom*) No…but I can suck on one, can’t I?” she answered, wiping a slobber of hungry drool from her mouth with a hoof, as she swabbed the rock around on her tongue, wishing it were rock-candy. "(*Sigh*) At least until I can come up with an alternative plan for breakfast this morning..." she thought to herself.
Spike shrugged. “It’s your castle…” he affirmed.
***
“(*Whew*) That was a close one, Pinks. For a moment there, I thought Twilight was going to have me for breakfast!”
“(*Giggle*) Don’t be silly, Cheese! Twilight may be lots of things, but she's no cannibal!" said Pinkie Pie.
“I ‘dunno; the way she was looking at me, she seemed ready to eat me alive!" Cheese shuddered.
“Oh, she’s always cranky in the morning, especially when she’s really-really hungry for breakfast.” Pinkie explained rapidly, “…and speaking of breakfast…” now she turned serious, “…what you should’ve done in the kitchen before preparing anything, was check the freshness dates on all the food stocks. When the dates expire, food spoils really fast, even in the fridge. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep an open box of baking soda in there. I mean gee-whiz, Cheese, how did you live for so long on your own without knowing that?"
“I’ve…just never really had to think about it before.” Cheese answered in his own defense.
“Hmm, speaking of the fridge …” Cheese remembered, “…didn’t Applejack say she suspected something went wrong with it last night? Yet when I got up, everything looked perfectly fine to me. If only my Cheesy Sense had been working, I would’ve known something was up…”
Pinkie adamantly shook her head. “Cheese…you can't tell with food just by appearances. You really have to check the dates.begin to tell you how many times whole ingredient packages had to be thrown out because of expired dates, or because of ants in the pantry. I mean, that’s bad for business…”
“That’s another thing Applejack mentioned…” Cheese continued, “…ants in the cereal. I may not be an exterminator or an architect, but…how can ants manage to get into a crystal castle?"
“Hmmm…that is strange…” Pinkie agreed, “…and coming from me, that’s really saying something ! But…let’s not think about that right now. Time to clock in for work. Remember, Cheese…you’re my assistant-in-training!" She batted her baby-blue eyes and SQUEE-grinned up at him.
“(*Groan*) I can hardly wait…” said a bewildered Cheese Sandwich.
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER]
Author's Note
(* - Paraphrase from Julius Caesar. )
Well, we all knew his first try wasn't going to be his best work...
Okay, personal update: I HAVE A NEW JOB! I've been working hard at it for the last 3 weeks. I have been hired for Gulf Breeze Middle School's new custodial team for the 2015-16 school year. Yep, the school janitor job. Cafeteria help never called me back, so chuck 'em. My hours are 1-9pm Monday-thru-Friday, at $8.05 an hour (Florida's current standard minimum wage. May get raised to $10 an hour if it wins votes in next year's elections.) Payday comes twice a month, during the first and third weeks.
I help sweep & mop the cafeteria, pull trash from classrooms, vacuum the carpets, wipe blackboards, clean windows, dust shelves, and (ew, joy...) scour toilet stalls. I'm #4 on a team of 6, on a campus that shares property space with Gulf Breeze Elementary, and Gulf Breeze High School. Some days I get re-assigned to the elementary school, to fill in for whomever's out sick.
It's a dirty job, but someone's 'gotta do it. Whew...talk about cleaning up public education.
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
Chapter 7 - Re-inventing Cheese
(*Grrroooaannn*) Six days and one night later, Cheese Sandwich felt absolutely…awful . His body was sore, from nose to tail. He lay in bed, long after lights out, unable or unwilling to move, and completely unable to remember when he last felt so beat. His head had small lumps, and his hide was covered in small bruises, burns & abrasions, cuts & scrapes, pin and needle pricks, and even small animal bites. Every muscle ached. His head hurt, his back hurt, his forelegs hurt, his hind legs hurt, his flank hurt…everything hurt. He couldn’t think of what to take for it. Twilight tried casting the healing spell on him a few more times, but now it only got him through the work days, and completely wore off at night. He tried as much as possible to sleep off the fatigue, instead. But, tonight…even that didn’t seem to be enough. All slept out now, he just lay wide awake in bed, staring up at the high-vaulted crystal ceiling, as if trying to read it like one of Twilight’s library books, to find the answer he sought to his pain problem…
All he could do now was think. And think. And think some more. He thought about the whole week that had just gone by,
Day 1: the baker’s assistant job with Pinkie Pie. What a mistake that was. Too much baking powder in one recipe; too little in another. Burnt cupcakes left in the oven too long. Lumpy cookies. Scuzzy scones. Muffins that were salty instead of sweet. He blamed that on his grabbing the wrong “white stuff” at the wrong time. How he was ever going to make that up to the gray funny-eyed Pegasus pony customer, he didn’t know. Then there was that obnoxious foal customer with the propeller beanie hat, the one named Button Mash, who asked: “How’d a pony like you ever get a job as a baker’s assistant anyway, Mister?” To which Cheese could only shrug and reply: “Well hey, I only took this job ‘cause I kneaded the dough! Heh-heh-heh…” That joke was older than Cheese was, and it wasn’t far from the truth, but for the first time in his career, no one laughed at it. And the sour look the kid gave him could’ve melted a game console. Needless to say, Cheese had to stay long after closing time to help clean up all the extra flour, sugar and egg mess he made of the kitchen. About the only being in the whole place which had nothing bad to say about Cheese’s work was Gummy the toothless baby alligator, who just blinked and kept licking at Cheese’s curly hair locks.
Baking sweets was obviously more complicated than it seemed. How could Pinkie Pie and the Cakes do it? He cursed himself for cheating all these years; sending out for birthday cakes instead of mastering the craft of baking them himself. How he could botch that, yet still turn out perfect party pizza, even he couldn’t understand. Maybe it was only cheese dishes he had a knack for. If someone had ordered cheese muffins or a cheese Danish, or even a Manehattan-style cheesecake, those he could manage. Just his luck, it wasn’t on that day. How was he ever going to make it up to poor Pinkie Pie, who did her best to root for him and coach him all through the orders? (*Sigh*) Still…he had earned 100 bits for the day, though he didn’t feel his efforts were worth that much.
Then came Day 2: apple-bucking with Applejack for the big Cider Season harvest. AJ practically bucked him out of bed before daybreak, to come with her out to Sweet Apple Acres for breakfast with the whole family. Apple Brown Bettys & strudel never tasted so good. Then it was off to the south and east orchards as Celestia’s Sun rose. His head & hooves still ached from the memory of finding each tree’s “sweet spot,” then whamming the hard barked trunk with his hind-hooves, and galloping out of the way to keep his head from getting pummeled by those hard fruits as they fell into the bushel basket. A hoofball helmet would’ve been more helpful to Cheese than the straw hat he’d been given by Big MacIntosh to wear for the job. He got knocked in the head by a few single apples that managed to fall out of the tree just as he was trotting back over to fetch the (oof!) heavy basket to load on Mac’s cart. Hard as he tried to keep up with AJ, she always managed to keep three bushels ahead of him. And yet by sundown, after sorting the apples with Granny Smith, and a nice dinner of apple pie, sauce & fritters with the family (Apple Bloom was now home from school to join them) despite the lumps under his mane and the blisters on his hooves, Cheese managed to earn another 100 bits---though AJ thought his efforts were worth only half that much. “Oh, that’s just AJ for ‘ya...” Granny reassured, “…always a bit stingy with the day-labor help. Lookin’ forward to them bouncy polkas ‘a yours on Cider Day! Heh-heh-heh…” (With that day coming up before his back rent was due, Cheese was certainly looking forward to it. Not just to earn more bits, but to be back in his natural work element again, if only for one day.)
Then came Day 3: off to the Carousel Boutique to help Rarity with dress-making. Cheese winced from recalling all the pin and needle pricks he took that day, and his teeth & tongue still tingled from holding thread spools, the tape measure, scissors, bobbins, the seam gauge, straight pins, needles and thimbles. To say Cheese looked ridiculous modeling mare’s clothes for fittings would be a major understatement, but from time to time it was necessary as the dummy carousel ponies around the shop didn’t always suit Rarity as proper stand-ins for some orders. Thankfully she didn’t make him wear any of them in public, when it was time for him to pull the delivery cart (her own this time; no more having to borrow the party gear cart from Pinkie Pie) to the Ponyville Post Office to ship the orders. By day’s end, Cheese felt like a spent voodoo doll, or a filly’s dress-up doll after playtime was over. But, thanks to Rarity’s famously generous spirit, his purse (if he’d been forced to carry one as a fashion accessory) was 200 bits heavier.
(*Oooooh…*) And now, the ex-party pony’s memory came to…Day 4: animal day-care at Fluttershy’s cottage. Feeding seeds to the birds wasn’t too bad; their twitter-songs were rather pleasant and soothing, though sweeping up their droppings was not so pleasant. Angel Bunny, of course, was anything but. He squirmed all through his bath, fussed all through meal times, refused to let Cheese pet him or hold him, and kept biting Cheese on the hind-hoof every time he turned around. More than once, Cheese was sorely tempted to kick the little buck-toothed cotton ball---only to be stopped each time with a cold stare from Fluttershy, akin to her Nightmare Night Flutter-Bat persona. Hairy the Bear seemed fearsome to Cheese at first, but a few curious snufflings and cheerful sloppy licks later, and he & Hairy were good friends. A necessary relationship, Cheese discovered, for the purpose of giving Hairy’s claws their proper trimming. Then it was out to the coop to feed corn to the chickens, to the seal & walrus pens for their fish-feeding (how Fluttershy managed to keep marine mammals on her property this far inland from the coasts, he had no idea) then off to the very edge of the Everfree Forest, to feed nuts to squirrels & chipmunks, and to visit Manny Roar the Manticore. Cheese froze stiff at the sight of the enormous scorpion-tailed, bat-winged, horn-headed lion, not knowing what to make of it. But as with the bear, a few curious sniffs and pawings, and more sloppy licks later (plus a big saucer of milk, per Fluttershy’s orders) and all was well between the newfound friends.
Cheese noted the new cowlicks (er, cat-licks) in his mane after feeding Manny, and chalked it up to another one of the ‘weirdest moments in Cheese Sandwich’s colorful life.’ The next weirdest one after that, was another fleeting glimpse of the same stripe-legged, yellow-eyed, hooded equine Cheese saw in Ponyville over a week ago, just off in the distance and retreating quickly into the forest. Even without his other sense, Cheese had a peculiar feeling he was going to meet up with that cloaked phantom once and for all, before this whole quest-for-a-new-job business was over. At day’s end, another purseful of 100 bits was also chalked up on his tally.
This now brought Cheese up to…Day 5: Friendship Castle Library assistant to Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and Owlowiscious. Soooo many books, so little time to organize them. (Actually, this was the third day of a 3-day weekend vacation, which Twilight called her "book-sort-cation." for reorganizing the library. ) Soooo many books, and so little time to organize them. Basically they dealt with the load one shelf at a time; Twilight levitated a row of books down to the floor, Spike & Cheese sorted them as she supervised, and she levitated the row back up to its respective shelf. Some single books were dealt with by the owl clutching them in his toeclaws, and flying them back & forth between floor and shelf.
But, ohhh…the ways Twilight wanted the books sorted; most in alphabetical order, but some in a specific order: fiction according to genre, non-fiction according to researchers, history according to kingdoms or cities of publication, health & science according to discoverers, cookbooks according to chefs, art according to artists, training manuals according to authors, magic according to wizard ponies---(*whew*) the lists went on and on and on. Sometimes Twilight would shriek in fright, and all 3 assistants would literally drop whatever they were doing (usually a clutch of books each was assigned to sort) and rush to her aid! But more often than not, it only turned out to be Twilight dismayed at the total disorder of a given bookcase, and in no real danger at all. Several deep breaths and sighs later, they would return to their assigned tasks. (No taking the librarian out of the princess, apparently.) By and by, little by little. and crisis-by-crisis, Cheese had pocketed another 100 bits for the day, and the entire Friendship Castle Library was re-counted, re-sorted, and re-catalogued. The last count was 19,993 books. It now reached 19,997; just 3 shy of 20,000 total.
“Well…there’s always the Ponyville Book Fair…” said Spike, “…which Twilight never misses!”
“Unless, of course, royal duties like missions for Princess Celestia or the Cutie Map, call me elsewhere…” Twilight added.
“Oh, uh, yeah…so then she sends me; Good ol’ Kenmore Gillspotten Heathspike!” the little dragon said proudly.
"Umm...huh?" queried Cheese.
"(*Giggle*) That's Spike's full name. I found it in one of the books on this shelf." Twilight was indicating an incomplete unkempt
"I call it: The Long Lost & Obscured History of Equestria. An archive still in progress. So far, I've found up to 4 generations worth of forgotten pony history. I found Spike's full name in the 'Generation 3' series. Did you know dragons in Equestria can live for up to a million years or more? And that I'm not the first-ever princess of Ponyville? That honor goes to Princess Wysteria; also G3 series. We're actually G4; the fourth generation of Equestrian ponies, but very little is known or recorded about the previous three, and considering they're 1000 years old, Celestia & Luna go back even more generations! Why haven't they ever told me about all this? Why wasn't it covered in magic school? And I still haven't worked out where Starswirl's time period fits in! (*Sigh*) Obviously, I have a long way to go before this archive is completed. But it's 'gotta be important, I just know it is..." Twilight pace-trotted and babbled on in Pinkie Pie fashion----as was her custom, Cheese noted, when she went off on a tangent on a subject she'd put a lot of effort into studying.
All Spike, Owly & Cheese could do was exchange woeful glances and slowly shake their heads. Spike long suspected all this forgotten history was actually taking place in some other dimension; perhaps in one of the other realms accessible by the same portal mirror to Sunset Shimmer's humanoid world, or by other portals hidden in the other castles, and that the full name really belonged to his counterpart in the G3 realm. But seeing how seriously Twilight was taking the subject, he wasn't about to go bursting her bubble of expectations anytime soon, so he simply kept mum about it.
Briefly breaking the his own bubble of memory, Cheese stiffly turned over in bed, and sighed. “But we went through the whole castle library from top to bottom, and didn’t turn up so much as one volume on alternative careers for ex-party ponies!” During his work with Twilight he had hoped to find something like that, but such was his busted luck in this venture. He couldn’t imagine himself becoming a daily full-timer on any of these jobs so far.
Which now brought Cheese Sandwich to the memory of (*groan*) Day 6: today's job with Rainbow Dash, on the Cloudsdale Weather Team…
Rainbow outfitted Cheese with a strap-on rotary wing & goggles (similar to the getup she gave her pet tortoise Tank) and Twilight cast her cloud-walking spell on him, to enable the ex-party pony to accompany Dash to the Cloudsdale Weather Factory. Being assigned to Dash personally as ‘assistant weather pony’ was hard enough for Cheese to swallow, let alone Dash’s boss: Commander Hurricane IV. Still wary of Dash after her little winter sabotage caper, but still willing to help out a friend in a jam, he approved the job and put Cheese temporarily on the payroll as day-labor.
Then it was off to the Storm Bay, to collect rain clouds from the (custom Dash-repaired) Cloud Generator machine, for the day’s rain distribution. For Cheese, touching & pushing a storm cloud was “as weird as moving gray cotton candy,” he thought. And being zapped by little stray lightning bolts wasn’t helping him to like the job, either. Even weirder was finding himself, on command, jumping up & down on the cloud to make the rain fall. That part, however, he soon came to enjoy. Before long, he was doing a sort of “buffalo Indian rain dance” each time he had to dump a rain shower---which unfortunately, earned him some sour looks from Chief Thunderhooves’ tribe as he delivered Appleloosa’s rain. “(Heh) Not authentic enough; I get it…” Cheese commented to himself, with an embarrassed grin. Dash could only face-hoof in frustration. Cloudkicking to clear the skies after the rain was even more fun, after Dash showed him how. But of course, Cheese had to learn the hard way, the difference between a free-floating cloud, and one nestled on a rocky mountain peak. (YeeOwwwch...) At day’s end, Cheese glided away with 100 bits from payroll, but not without a storm front of irritated looks from the other Pegasi, and exchanging embarrassed blushes with Rainbow.
Cheese achingly turned over again, on his back, and stared up at the vaulted crystal ceiling again, totaling things up. “Lets see now…” he thought, “…that’s, umm…700 bits so far, for 6 day-jobs, with 800 more to go, and only…19 days left. And now I’ve run the whole gamut of day-jobs with the Mane 6. So far, none of them suit me as a new career. So now what? Unless they have friends looking to hire help, the only option left is…(gulp) …that dreaded community job board at Town Hall.”
Cheese shivered and broke out in a sweat. He did not like that prospect one bit. Surprises he loved , but usually when he was the one springing them on guests in the course of a party, when he was in his own element and in control of what was going on, and the surprises were always pleasant. But now…with no pre-planned script to follow, out of his element, his Cheesy Sense still out of order, and at the complete mercy (or contempt) of others…the surprises were not pleasant at all anymore. Suddenly he was the shy little colt againthis up forever. Not for the rest of my life, and certainly not for the rest of the month! But what can I do? I’ve tried my best, and I keep on trying my best…but it’s just not good enough. I’m a party pony…now stuck in a world where party ponies…no longer get paid as much as anypony else. But where else do I belong? What else can I do for a living?working?"
In frustration, no longer caring about his aches & pains, he tossed the bed covers off and sat up on the edge of the bed. He took several deep breaths to clear his head, and worked his hooves through the tangled locks of his mane. No longer feeling comfortable in the bed, he got up, pace-trotted a few times to think…but coming up with no answers, he squatted on his haunches on the floor, and hung his weary head low.
Evidently, ‘re-inventing Cheese’ was proving more difficult than even he thought. Now it seemed, he had no other choice.have to do as Princess Twilight said: trot down to Ponyville Town Hall and face the job board.
It was a leap of faith, he knew. But, better than a leap off a cliff into oblivion. He prepared to make his choice…
With that, Cheese Sandwich got up, squinted his eyes, set his jaw, and slowly trotted over to his room window. He could feel
“Many a tough challenge this old hombre’ has faced…” said Cheese, back in his Colt Eastwood voice, “…but failure, giving up,not on the list of options. Not for this pony! Okay, you ornery job board. Time for a showdown.making breakfast. ”
Cheese stared off into the distance, waiting for Luna’s Moon to set…and for the coming dawn…of Celestia’s Sun.
He could almost hear that familiar lone 4-note whistle and 3-note harmonica playing, in the background of his own mind.
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER…]
Author's Note
Once again, I'm drawing elements from the recent "What About Discord?" episode, the defunct fan-roleplaying game 'Welcome to Ponyville,' and the earlier My Little Pony series & films prior to FiM. Other parts I just made up: what would Cheese be like as a temporary Pegasus weather pony, or assistant baker at Sugarcube Corner, and so on. Doing more research now on what other jobs he could try to do, other than try to return to the party circuit. Not all that different than what I've been trying to do with my own life. (And, yeah...I've been making a pet project out of researching the earlier My Little Pony Hasbro cartoon works, just to try and make mane-or-tail out of them in relation to the current show, same as Twilight.)
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
Chapter 8 - Rock and a Hard Place
With the dawn and the next rise of Celestia’s Sun, the Mane 6 rose again to the familiar enticing smells of breakfast wafting
Again, though, Applejack bolted upright in bed and put her hat on, looking almost like a steely-eyed Colt Eastwood herself . (Never could abide anypony else working in her kitchen space; not even family.) But a few soothing backrubs from Pinkie Pie, and a little coaxing from Fluttershy to lay down her hat and let her mane be combed, soon untangled the farm mare’s taut nerves. Rainbow Dash lightly fanned AJ’s brow with her wings, and even Rarity jumped in with a hoofnail file to groom AJ’s quadrupedal pride-&-joys.
All were trying to quell the mounting desire they could see in their friend’s emerald green eyes, to stomp somepony into corn meal if breakfast went wrong a second time.
Applejack darted a glance over at Twilight, and saw the Princess had also risen bolt-upright, thrown the bed covers off her face, and shared the same steely grimace on her own tangle-maned visage. But Spike was also hard at work, massaging Twilight’s flared wings and taut shoulders.
“You thinkin’ what a’m thinkin’?” asked Applejack.
“Ey-yup…” said Twilight with a sly grin, imitating Big MacIntosh, “…he’d better get it right this time, or else breakfast or no breakfast…I’m dining on cheese sandwich this morning! Heh-heh-heh!” The mad look in Twilight’s eyes seemed to hearken back to her ‘lesson zero’ mental breakdown sometime back.
At this, Pinkie Pie suddenly stopped her backrubbing, her baby-blue eyes and staring back at Twilight.
“Oopsie…” she thought, “…maybe Twilight is a cannibal after all! Horrors…”
But…just to be safe, she darted out of the Mane-6 group bedroom, and zoomed downstairs to help out Cheese in the kitchen!
The others simply paused for a while, staring at the double doors…then BURST OUT LAUGHING!!!
“(*Giggle*) I can’t believe she fell for that one!” said Twilight in a fit of laughter.
“OH, I DIDN'T" said Pinkie Pie, suddenly re-appearing in the doorway!skip-bounced all the way back down the stairs.
Stunned looks, melting into exasperated half-frowns/half-grins, shown on the rest of the Friendship Court’s faces.
“(*Heh*) No fooling the Pinkster!” said Rainbow Dash, shrugging her hooves in mid-air.
***
Breakfast a-la Cheese, Take 2.
And this time, it seemed, all fears were unfounded. No overnight mishaps with the fridge, all the ingredients were right, true to their freshness dates, and not an ant in sight. The milk was smooth, cool and sweet. The fruits were fresh and delicious. The apple juice was “freshly-squeezed” from the juice press, and the toast & butter was savory. The only difference now was: instead of cereal, everyone dined on ‘Flapjacks a-la Cheese.’ (A special cheddar & corn pancake recipe’ he & Pinkie found together.) Hoofclaps & congratulations rang around the table; then they all tucked in heartily, as Cheese, clad again in chef’s hat & apron, softly played a Prench medley on accordion for background dining music. Spike especially enjoyed his helping: complete with specks of tiny red fire-jewels mixed into his stack. “Mmm…spicy.” he commented.
“See? Told you they’d like it…” said a triumphant Pinkie Pie, leering smugly back at her former party counterpart.
“Okay…second time’s the charm, I guess!” Cheese declared, finishing the medley. “Wish I could say the same for my job hunt. No scores there; not even the sixth time around.” At this, Cheese deflated his accordion, which now wheezed off key. Around the table, all eyes drooped sadly.
“Well, no one can say you haven’t tried your best, right?” asked Pinkie Pie, smiling and batting her eyelashes.
Applejack opened her mouth to say something, but a pink blur zoomed over to her and covered her mouth with a hoof."Don't answer that!" Pinkie stage-whispered.
Twilight lowered her head, sighed heavily…then straightened up, the same steely grimace she rose out of bed with this morning, now fixed firmly back on her face.
“Well, Cheese…I guess you know perfectly well what that means, don’t you?” said Twilight, flaring her wings slightly.
“(*Sigh*) I know, I know…” said Cheese, untying the apron and taking off the chef hat, “…after dishes, it’s offjob board at Town Hall for me.” He wrung the puffy topper in his hooves as he said it.
Pinkie blurred back over to Cheese, and gave his shoulders a soothing hoof-rub.
“Aw, come on, Cheesy…” she said, “…despite what some ponies think…” she glowered at AJ, then beamed back at Cheese, “…you have been trying your best. Why in less than a week, you’ve gone from working just one job, to working six different jobs! Baker, apple bucker, tailor, animal caregiver, librarian, and weather pony! All that, and party pony besides? (*Gasp*) That’s seven different job skills! I’m amazed at how far you’ve come!!”
“WHOA! Hold your horses right there, little missy…” said Cheese, lapsing into his Colt Eastwood voice again, then resumed his normal voice. “Look, Pinkie, just because I tried six different jobs in six days, doesn't mean I was skilled at them. I mean, you all saw me; I was terrible! I could never be a career pony at any of those jobs! And I only have 18 days left after today, before I’m evicted. So…unless I find something else I’m good at on the job board and soon…(*Sigh*)…then I guess I am just a one-trick pony, about to become a homeless bum.”
"NO!" a harsh voice neighed from across the table! All eyes turned to the speaker…Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“DON'T YOU DARE TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT YOURSELF! I for one agree with Pinkie Pie: you have been trying your best! The only problem I see here, is that you’re confusing your failures at these new jobs with your own self-worth. And you’re letting it undermine your confidence! Not everypony succeeds at changing careers overnight. Some have to fail at a lot of things, before they find new success. I should know. In magic school, I failed my entrance exam several tries over, before the big breakthrough came that enabled me to pass. But even then, I still failed several times at mastering certain spells. Science class, too; I can’t begin to tell you how many experiments of mine failed on several tries, before I finally got them right. You’ve spent nearly a lifetime being nothing but a party success, and have never known failure professionally, until now. So…perhaps this is your time to fail at lots of things, before you finally succeed. Okay, then. If that’s what it takes, then DO IT! TRY! FAIL! TRY AGAIN! FAIL AGAIN! But most importantly… LEARN from your failures! Stop looking at failure as your punishment for not fitting in! I think you’ll find as I do every day, that you learn more from that , than from constant success. And the most important lesson is… NEVER allow a string of constant failures, to be your excuse for NOT TRYING one more time!”
CHEERS and HOOFCLAPS erupted all around the table!
“Told ‘ya.” said Pinkie, nudging Cheese in the shoulder. “Oh, and remind me to tell you what happened with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. You remember them, right? Anyway, they’d been trying for the longest time over and over again to earn their cutie marks without success…and then one day, they finally did it! (*Sniff*) I’m still gushing over that one myself. Best Cute'ceanera party EVER!”
“Cutie Mark Crusad…” Cheese mouthed, trying to remember, “...ers, um…wait, you mean those three little school fillies who tried to pair as up as ‘special someponies,’ like it was Hearts & Hooves Day? Oooh, boy…yep, I remember that, all right… Wait-what? Cute'ceanera? You threw a Cute'ceanera party for them, and you didn't invite me? When did this happen? Was it before or after my Cheesy Sense crashed? Oh, boy, I’m falling way out of touch with the party circuit…”
“Shh-shh-shh, relax, Cheesy…” said Pinkie, almost sounding like Fluttershy as she hoof-rubbed his back again,
(*AHEM!*) Pinky…” the Friendship Princess ordered, “I think he knows what he needs to concentrate on.”
Cheese straightened up. “(*Ahem*) Yes, your Highness…dishes…job board…no giving up. Got it."
“Good.” said Twilight.
***
In due course, after clearing the Castle Dining Hall table and washing & putting away the dishes, the ex-party pony trotted his (*gulp*) less-than-merry way…to Ponyville Town Hall. By now it was mid-morning, and the town teemed with life as other equines came & went going about their business, completely oblivious to the increase in gravity Cheese was definitely feeling, with each arduous step he took up the stairs to the Mane Entrance.
Once inside, Cheese ambled about, taking the walking tour without a guide so to speak, in search of the community bulletin boards.
“Okay, let’s see now…Wanted: Experienced carpenter, nope… Experienced bricklayer, nope… Experienced plumber, nope…(sigh) Experienced, experienced, experienced…they all want ponies with experience in every field except mine! Come on, please…house DJ, events planner, wedding planner, birthday planner---ANYTHING!"
But the harder Cheese looked, the less he found that applied to him. He was just about ready to turn around and kick-buck hoof tap on his shoulder, and heard a gruff
“(*Ahem*) Excuseth me, thou fine young lad…but wilst thou direct me to yon place for posting the 'help wanted' adverts?”
Cheese Sandwich turned his head to see---a tall, scruffy-haired middle-aged stallion clad in a white starched collar & long black necktie, and a flat-brimmed black hat. And he bore a pick-axe cutie mark on his flanks.
Next to the elder pony stood a shorter younger grey mare with purple pageboy-trimmed mane and stony bluish-grey eyes.
"Help Wanted: Farm hoof. Seasonal labor. No prior experience needed.
Full wages, plus room & board. Inquire: Rock Pie Farm,
Rambling Rock Ridge, east of Ponyville."
“Um…sure. It’s right here: the General Employment Board. But, hey, you know…if you’re hiring, I’m looking!"
The elder stranger paused, cocked his head to one side a bit, then squinted his wrinkled eyes. He walked a wide circle around Cheese, studying the young pony’s build, his back, his legs. After completing his circle, the elder put a hoof to Cheese’s jaw, lowering the mouth open to check his teeth. All the while, a completely baffled Cheese Sandwich kept stock-still, and nervously went along with the examination. The younger mare just stared blankly, devoid of all emotion.
At last, the elder pony seemed to make up his mind. “Thou seemest able-bodied and strong enough for farm work.
“(Heh) Never look a gift horse in the mouth, I always say!” said Cheese with a SQUEE grin.
Nonplussed by this lame attempt at humor, the elder asked, “Canst thou start first thing tomorrow morning?”
“WOW! Sure thing! (*ahem*) I mean… I do owe 3 months back rent in Manehattan in the next 17 days, so yes, I’m prettyanxious to pay it off------with good, clean, hard-earned bits!” an elated Cheese explained, as the elder clapped a hoof on his shoulder.
“Saints be praised for an honest stud! Thou art HIRED! Pray tell, what wouldst thy name be, sir?”
After a momentary blush, Cheese gave them his name. Neither elder nor mare seemed to bat an eye.
“(Heh) What can I say? We can’t choose the names we’re born with, right?” said Cheese with another SQUEE grin.
Nonchalantly, Maud opened her mouth, let the no-longer-needed ad scroll flutter to the floor, and said in a deadpan voice:yes …I recognize you now. You’re that Super-Duper Party Pony my sister Pinkie’s been writing to me about.”
Cheese’s chartreuse eyes went WIDE, and his jaw nearly dropped to the floor! “Thou KNOWEST---I mean, you KNOW Pinkie Pie?”
“We are her kin .” said the elder. “I am Igneous Rock Pie, son of Feldspar Granite Pie, and owner of Rock Pie Farm.
“Pleased to meet you.” said Maud flatly, as she offered a hoof to shake.
“Well-well-well, it is an honor indeed to make YOUR acquaintance!” said an excited Cheese Sandwich,vigorously shook the hooves of the two farm relations of his dearest friend.
***
A while later, the newly-formed trio was seated at a table outside Fernando’s Café, having lunch together.
“Now let me get this straight…” asked Cheese, quizzically, “…you harvest rocks?"
“Of course.” Igneous explained. “T’is what makes our farm land valuable. Ponies needeth rocks, especially in the cities. Rocks doth make good stepping stones, good for building fireplaces and other good, sturdy, useful structures. The mineral values alone art priceless. Why, without rocks, things like cement, concrete, clay, tar or brick couldst not exist. Rocks art the foundation of the world. Without them, land is…but mere dirt. Didst thou not know this, Mr. Cheese?”
Cheese could only blink in befuddlement. He glanced over at Maud, stone-faced as ever.
“I’m studying to be a geologist. Rocks are hot. And cool. They rock. They rule.”
Not even a hint of a smile, but Cheese was definitely feeling her vibes on the subject.
Then suddenly, Maud opened wide and CHOMPED into one of the biscuits! “Mmm…I love the rolls in this place…”hard as rocks .
Cheese could only swallow hard to force his own meal down his throat instead of it catching on the back of his tongue.
A waiter brought two bowls of soup, each with a tall black rock sitting in thick green broth, for the Pies.
“Hmm…these two are the Real McColts, all right. I must have rocks in my head for taking this job…but if it pays,
As the trio continued eating, Igneous kept glancing back at Cheese, as though trying to remember something.
***
Soon lunch was over and paid for, and Cheese was walking with the Pies to the Ponyville Train Depot. While waitingparty pony? An…entertainer?"
The look Igneous gave Cheese was a dubious one, at best.
Caught like a stray dog in the path of an oncoming cart now, Cheese froze, not sure how to answer,
“Umm, before I answer that…” Cheese said at last, hoping to buy time to save face, “…why do you ask?"
Igneous paused, gave a hint of a smile, and nodded over to Maud to explain.
“A few seasons back,” Maud began droning, “we met a unicorn mare who…claimed to be a famous traveling stage magician. That is, until her cart got smashed. Like you, she was down on her luck and looking for work. So Dad hired her to work the farm for the harvest season. She wasn’t really that good with a mouth hammer; kept levitating it with her magic instead, to break up rocks and haul her loads. Constantly complained about getting dirty or how hard the work was, bragging how she was meant for greater things, and grumbled all the time about ‘getting even’ with somepony who’d wronged her. Had a crescent moon & star wand for a cutie mark, always wore the same pointed hat & cape, and referred to herself in third person as ‘The Great and Powerful…”
"...TRIXIE!?" said Cheese in revelation! Igneous stared, mouth agape in amazement!
Across the platform stood the Wizard Pony Trixie herself! Catching a glance at Cheese and realizing who was with him, she quickly raised a hoof to her lips and mimed: "SHHH!!" Then, with a quick flash of her horn, she vanished from sight! Not a trace remained.
Cheese only blinked for a moment, sure and yet not sure of what he saw. No rise from Maud or Igneous,
“Ummm…Yes, Pinkie and her friends told me all about her! It was Twilight Sparkle she wanted to get back at! But, last
Igneous didn’t appear to be buying it. The elder turned his head aside and lifted a hoof to his chin, studying Cheese sidelong.
Trembling…Cheese hastily changed his story: “Okay, okay…we’d met from time to time on the road between gigs.
“Oh, I was not chiding the lifestyle, young colt.” Igneous replied, “A noble profession I am sure, this ‘traveling
At this, Cheese took a deep breath and straightened up. “Sir…you are looking at a pony who is NOT afraid to get his hooves dirty!READY!"
“SPLENDID!” said Igneous, now himself shaking Cheese by the hoof! “One bad pebble doth not spoil the quarry!
“YES, SIR!” said Cheese, with a hoof-salute!
Cheese stole another glance over at Maud as the train pulled into the station.
Still no change in the stoic mare’s expression. Only the softly spoken phrase: “Talk is cheap. Dirt is expensive.”
Cheese Sandwich knew---as did Maud, he suspected---that he had just now put himself between a rock and a hard place. It could well be his last chance to prove himself a success at doing other work than parties. His last chance to make his rent deadline or be evicted. But the die was cast now. He’d made the commitment, and only more shame & disgrace would come from turning back now. He had to follow through. He waved a hoof goodbye to the Pies as they boarded, and the Friendship Express chugged on its merry way.
Glancing back across the platform to the point where he spotted Trixie, Cheese thought he now saw a...smile, suspended in mid-air, before it too, vanished.
Well…this was certainly a productive day, Cheese had to admit. He would be giving a full report to the Mane 6 at dinner tonight at Friendship Castle. He could just hear Pinkie now, bouncing all over the place like a rubber ball of ‘nervouscitement,’ gushing about how he’ll love her family, the farm, about the first party she ever threw in a silo just for them, and on and on and on, well into the night. He could almost feel Twilight’s wing on his shoulder, and hearing her gladly say, “Well done, Cheese Sandwich. Make us proud!"
He wouldn’t have much to pack, he knew. He came to town in not much more than the shirt on his back.
And…(*sniff-sniff*) ewww….was IT in need of a good laundering tonight.
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER…]
Author's Note
Made reference here to a speech about rocks by Walter Brennan in a classic episode of 'The Real McCoys.' Also more horse cliche' jokes, and a paraphrase of Shredder in a classic 'Ninja Turtles' episode. Guess you Weird Al fans can guess what I'm leading up to in the next chapter.
Cheese Sandwich Gets a 'Real Job'
Chapter 1 - The Ultimatum
It was late afternoon, as rain fell with thunder booming & lightning all around, on the cold stone streets of Manehattan. The party pony known as Cheese Sandwich, clad in his Colt Eastwood spaghetti-western cowpony drifter costume, his faithful rubber chicken companion Boneless 2 perched on his back for a rider, and cigarillo party favor held droopily in his teeth, was feeling as gloomy as the weather. With the weight of the world tarrying on his every hoof-clop, Cheese was following one of the roads out of his home town, and making his weary way along a narrow suspension bridge, over the black choppy waters of the city harbor.
It was the worst day of his life.
"How did I ever get a name like that? What in the HAY was Mom thinking? Cheese Sandwich, hmph... That's a food item; not a pony's real name. Not even a colt's name..." the cheddar-yellow pelted, brown curly-haired, hazel-green eyed equine berated himself.
He wanted to be alone... as the cliche' movie line implied.
"No friends. No family. Hmph, what family?" Cheese thought to himself.
By now his mother and father had passed away, and his kid brother had moved away to the Applewood Hills.
So... whom did that leave?
A Narcissistic older sister by about 9 years: a portly but energetic mare with a short red mane and gilded chain-&-platter table scales for a Cutie Mark, who works as a business analyst for a high-tech systems company in lower Manehattan, but attends medieval festivals in the Crystal Empire? Never writes, unless she wants something.
An uncle in Appleloosa: a muscle-bound grey stud with a short-cropped peppery mane and a cannon for a Cutie Mark, who once served in the Royal Canterlot Army; now a retired author in his mid-80's, who does nothing but point out other pony's faults whIle reminiscing about his glory days?
"Hmm... what friends, for that matter?" he thought further. Sure, there was Pinkie Pie, the mare who started him on this wacky & rocky road* to self-discovery, and all of her Ponyville friends. But what could he tell them now? "Sorry, Pinks, but... you'll have to be the full-time best party pony in all of Equestria now. Old Cheese is, well... old cheese. It's over. My time is up. This rubber chicken's made its last run. This hombre's 'gonna have to stop drifting and settle down, hang up old Boneless 2 and his hat & poncho for the last time, and... (sigh) become a civilized, respectable citizen. No more party cannons, or confetti, or balloons, or bunting, streamers, horns, presents, cake or punch. The time to pay the bills for the whole shebang, has finally come. But ol' Cheese doesn't have enough bits to pay the band its proper due. I'm washed up, Pinks. This Super-Duper, is now a party pooper. My party-throwing days are done."
"Double-hmph... Some pity party speech. Guess that's the only kind of party Cheese will be throwing from now on." he concluded.
***
The storm didn't let up one bit, but soon Cheese reached a countryside clearing beyond the harbor, with short-bladed green grass, clumps of tall thick oak trees surrounding it on every side, and a short thick hedge-bush not far from the roadside.
He could still remember from earlier that day (about an hour-and-a-half ago) the shrill sound of the landlady's whinny---a frumpy middle-aged cranky mare with a red curly mane & tail and a bag of gold bits for a Cutie Mark---as she issued her ultimatum, for his reneging for the last time on the monthly rent, of the only home he'd ever tried to make on the upper east side. (Not a mansion; just a run-down apartment in an old tenement building.)
"PLAYING FOR FILLIES' PARTIES IS NOT A REAL JOB!! I'VE GOT ANOTHER CLIENT READY TO PAY 500 BITS A MONTH! YOU'D BETTER GET YOURSELF A REAL JOB AND START EARNING SOME REAL MONEY, OR GET OUT!! TAKE THAT SILLY RUBBER CHICKEN AND GO!! YOU'VE GOT 30 DAYS, YOU SLACKER!!"
As Cheese dwelt on these harsh words, the storm around him intensified, thunder & lightning crashing & flashing even more and rain coming down in sheets, reflecting the storm now building in his face.
"Triple-hmph... Not a real job?" Oh, boy... that was it, for him! That was the ONE THING that really got on his nerves... Ponies both rich and poor, telling him that the happiest job he'd spent his whole life living & doing: pursuing happiness and bringing it to life for others----WAS NOT A REAL JOB???
"HOW DARE THEY! OF ALL THE NERVE! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?" thought Cheese!
With a CRASH-FLASH of thunder & lightning and a furious blow, Cheese Sandwich spat out the party favor! Then with a yell he grabbed the rain-soaked flat-brim hat off his head and threw it on the damp ground! Then he reached back with his teeth, tore the poncho off his body with a furious grunt ---the wet rubber chicken went flying---and threw that on the ground, too! Thunder & lightning exploded around him like battlefield ordinance fire, raging along with him! Then he stomped and stomped, and stomped some more, neighing like a mad horse, snorting like a bull, until both hat & poncho were shredded, muddied, misshapen lumps of dead fabric.
After a while (spent sobbing in the hedge-bush where he was sure no one could see him) the storm abated at last, and the Weather Ponies cleared the skies. Cheese searched glumly for his rubber chicken friend and party favor, and picked each of them up where they had fallen on the grass. He then ambled back over to the trampled remains of his cowpony costume... dug a hole in the grass with his hooves, kicking up a mound of moistened dark-brown dirt, and dropped the remains into the shallow grave, rubber chicken, party favor and all, and quickly buried them. He then found a small round-edged flat rock, and stuck it upright, into one end of the grave.
At last, Cheese stood on all fours before the grave, and bowed his head in prayer:
He stood a long while, until Celestia's Sun dipped below the horizon.
Then...slowly... numbly... he ambled back to the road, and continued following it, not caring one bit where it took him.
For all his fuming and fussing... he knew the landlady was right. He had to find something else to do, to earn his living.
But what else could he do? What other job skills did he have? This was what he chose to do with his life.
What to do? Dear Gods in the Heavens.... what to do now?
He didn't know. He just didn't know.
Well.... maybe one thing. Hard though it may be...
Head to Ponyville. Find Pinkie Pie. Break the bad news to her...
...and beg her for help.
[CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER]
Author's Note
* - References to Weird Al Yankovic's "I Love Rocky Road" The Outlaw Josey Wales.
I wrote this at the public library computer lab, after a heated meeting with my own landlady, as an exercise in self-therapy. Whatever Cheese is going through in this story, I guarantee you, I'm right there with him. I don't know what I'm going to tell all my clients about closing my business, right before the fall season of showdates kicks off. I'll be seeing someone 3 days from now about an interview for a new job. If offered... I don't want to take it; I need to take it. But I also guarantee... I'm not going to be happy at all with it. Look what I have to give up to get it.