Who Watches the Watchers?

by SwordTune

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Bon-Bon
Length: 3735

Delve into the true life and story of one of Canterlot's finest agents, before she learned what it was really doing to the public.

She goes by many names. She has no one personality. She is our nation's greatest security, and our greatest threat.

As I interview Special Agent Sweetie Drops, we, the ponies of Equestria, will learn what it's like inside the government agencies the, we will learn the secrets that they keep from us, and we will uncover the truth behind how they make our choices for us. Have we sold our freedom for security?

Published 2015-07-31 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-31 00:40:01 UTC

Introduction

The Equestrian Security Agency. Some call the ponies of this secretive agency heroes, radicals call them worse things. To those who think they know the truth the ESA are ruthless oppressors, honorless fascists, true anarchists. But how can we call them such things when we don't know who these ponies are, or what they do.

Tonight, I have recorded an interview with one pony who just might shed some light on this matter. She goes by many names. She has no one personality. She is our nation's greatest security, and our greatest threat.

Her work with Canterlot's monster hunting program has led her to multiple cooperative missions with both the ESA and RIA, as well as a lot of experience with their methods, magic, and technology. From Manehattan to Vanhoover, from the icy northern Crytal Empire to the uncomfortably hot and sweaty Appleloosa, this agent has seen the worst this nation has to offer.

As I interview Special Agent Sweetie Drops, we, the ponies of Equestria, will learn what it's like inside the government agencies the, we will learn the secrets that they keep from us, and we will uncover the truth behind how they make our choices for us. Have we sold our freedom for security?

The following recording has been adapted and sponsored by Ink and Quills National, Sofas and Quills, and Manehattan Journalism Company

Sweetie Drops Interviewed

First, could you give a name for the recording, I know you go by many but we'd like to have something constant to call you.

"My name is Sweetie Drops, however most of my previous associates would know me by Bon Bon," she said.

Alright, Sweetie Drops, I think the first question here is; do you miss your home? Travelling around after the whole... incident must be a challenge for you and your family.

"It's nothing I'm not used to. My first year with the Anti-Monster Agency had me on surveillance in Vanhoover, but suddenly one day I received a letter telling me to get my flank to Manehattan for my next operation. I was packed and on the train only hours after that. So leaving things behind, long term or short term, is something I've gotten used to over these few years."

I'm just going to ask a few questions to give a gauge of how much you miss Ponyville. Do you miss Sugar Cube Corner?

She nodded. "Very much, I loved the sweets there, and it's just sad to have to leave it behind."

Okay, what about the entire castle in Ponyville, do you miss that?

"Oh, um... all of it?" she replied, with great hesitation.

Every last crystal piece.

"..."

Lets just let that silence hang there for a while. Do you miss... chimicherrychangas?

"Uh, I don't know what that is," Sweetie Drops said, with great confusion.

You're in luck then Sweetie. I slid a plate of chimmicherrychangas across the table. Not just any chimicherrychangas, but Pinkie Pie chimicherrychangas. That's a funtastic explosion of cherries packed into one chimichanga.

She laughed at the gesture. "Thanks, I'm glad to have a taste of home, after all this time."

No problem. Now, lets dive in to the important matters I have for you tonight. First of all, why did you follow up on the Operation Blind Eye fiasco by leaking your own share of documents out to Equestria?

"I realized that what I saw while working with the RIA and ESA was not an isolated incident," she began. "And the thought, just the idea, that these breeches in safety and privacy we guarantee to the citizens of Equestria were being manipulated and flat out taken by the government was just too much for me not to do anything about it. The ESA alone has some of the most advanced surveillance capabilities currently available. They claim they would never use it for nefarious purposes on the civilian ponies, and in someways that's true, but there's also the problem that agencies like the ESA are using their capabilities to make us more vulnerable to them. What they're essentially doing to the public now is saying 'I might have a magic blast charged inches from your head, I am not going to unleash it.' I don't buy that."

What do you buy? What's the kind of national security that you want, because you did in fact work with these ponies, so you must have seen some inherent benefit to them.

"Most joint operations were dealing with organized monsters, or monsters involved in or inhibiting an investigation. Changelings, timberwolves, cave dwelling beasts, all those things somehow got in the way of the RIA or ESA and they needed the Anti-Monster Agency to help them with it."

Of course, the government would want their spies to be able to continue spying.

"Exactly, now what I didn't realize was that these missions had ties to both domestic and foreign agendas. Obviously Operation Blind Eye is the most recent example but it's not the only one. What we don't want is to have these spies spying on their own. Spies are incredibly useful and they're brilliant to have on our side. But after a few missions I realized that they are incredibly powerful and incredibly dangerous, and if they're not controlled, they can do a lot of damage to us."

You mentioned ties to domestic and foreign agendas were linked to the missions you were paired up in. Now these are two very different topics. Domestic surveillance, ponies might give some shit about, but on foreign surveillance no pony gives the smallest, remotest shit about it.

"Well when we talk about foreign surveillance, like the case with Yak immigrants, are we applying it in ways that are beneficial to our country, is it-"

Nope, don't care, I shook my head. No pony cares, they don't give a shit.

"We spied on Unifeather, the Pegasi-Griffin joint flying program for the aspiring youth," Sweetie Drops replied.

...Sure...

"We spied on lawyers arguing about the prices of-"

What was Unifeather doing? That's the question isn't it?

"The question is whether these programs are beneficial to Equestia. Whether spying on Unifeather or lawyers arguing over the price of exporting goods to the Crystal Empire are things we should be doing to keep the ponies safe."

Most ponies probably wouldn't say that's good. They would say, 'I honestly couldn't care.' Equestrians don't give a shit about foreign surveillance-

"I think you're right on that," she interjected. Whether she actually agreed, or if my antics were annoying, I could not tell.

Alright, glad we squared that away. How many, out of the tens of thousands of papers and letters you sent out to the press, how much of it did you actually look at?

"All of it," she claimed with a great deal of confidence. "I knew exactly what I was handling and how important it was to get it right so-"

You read all of it? As in, every single paper?

She didn't miss a beat in her reply. "I definitely understood the responsibility I had taken."

Right, but there is a difference between understanding the material, and actually reading it.

"It is definitely fair to wonder, 'Did this pony do this carefully enough, is she going to screw it up for Equestria?'"

Especially when you're handling so much material that is so crucial to the nation's security.

"Well, technically I'm not handling any of those now, I've passed those on to journalists newspaper companies, and they're using extraordinary care to make sure all that information gets out the right way, at the right time."

Yes, but at the same time these are journalists for the public and they don't have nearly as good of a technical skill set as you do.

Sweetie Drops nodded. "That's true. But what's just as true is that these writers and reporters understand what all this means and how important it is. They understand as well as you and I do."

Manehattan Times, let's talk about them. They published a summary of some of the documents you leaked to them without redacting it properly, and in the end it allowed every pony to see that restrictions of exports to Griffinstone were in place even during the extended depression that region went through. And then the griffins read that too.

She gave a small nod to that. "That is a problem."

It's not just a problem, that's a fuck up.

"It is a fuck up," she agreed. "But this is journalism, and in journalism we have to accept that slips will be made even for companies as big as Manehattan Times. This is a fundamental concept of liberty."

Right, but you have to own that then. You're giving documents that you know could harm Equestria, and could get out there.

"Yes. If ponies or other species act in bad faith then-"

This isn't even about good or bad. This is sheer incompetence.

"It is, but we'll never be free from risks if we're free. The only way for ponies to be free of risk is if they're imprisoned."

So despite all these dangers you do feel that the public has been rewarded with all this knowledge?

"Yes I do," she put bluntly.

Okay. In your last letter to an anonymous friend, you stated that your greatest fear in doing this wasn't that you'd be caught, but that it would be forgotten. How do you feel now that it's been a year since you leaked the papers?

"It might be surprising, but I'm relieved. I'm very relieved that this hasn't turned into just another three day story and that I stirred up enough ponies to get them to listen to these issues."

I want to show you something. I did a short interview with a few ponies on the street and asked them about you and these are the replies on got on this tape.

I have no idea who Sweetie Drops is said one pony.

Sweetie drops, I've heard the name but I can't quite recall why.

Wasn't she that one mare, the RIA agent who sold some government documents or something?

Not so great on their information, these ponies. On the plus side, maybe you can go back to Ponyville now because no pony seems to know who the fuck you are or what the fuck you did.

"Well, we can't expect for every single pony to be uniformly informed."

So did you do this just to inform the Equestrian public?

"I did this because after years of working under the orders of Princess Celestia I wanted the ponies to have a choice, a choice of what kind of government they wanted, and to see what kind of government they had. This is a conversation Equestria's public, not the royalty, should have."

This is definitely an important discussion, but is it one that we regular ponies are capable of having. Only a third of the population can perform magic and only a fraction of them actually understand the magical forces at work in the ESA and other surveillance agencies.

"You're right there, it is a very difficult process to even conceptualize. The problem with how we store data and move it around is almost invisible to the public eye. Technicians, engineers, magicians and scribes, they all play a part in our system of physical and metaphysical data storage-"

That's it right there, you've completely lost me. It's like seeing a technician at an arcade fixing one of the machines and you just think "Oh shit... oh shit no don't start talking. Don't teach me, I don't want to learn, just make Mega Pony come back."

"I totally get it, it was the same when I was in training. Back then I didn't understand half of the stuff and it is really hard for everyday ponies to understand things that take years of training and raw talent to pull of." Sweetie Drops gave a slight look down, displaying some amount of disappointment.

But none of what you did will matter if we don't have this crucial conversation. Bear with me here. In an interview shortly after the leaks you said that the ESA can, and is, passing around private picture of ponies, pictures that are not only embarrassing but could ruin a pony's life, whether it was their job or their relationships that was involved.

"Yes, sadly that is a common thing in the ESA culture, I've seen it many times on files shared with me in debriefings for joint missions. It's not really anything weird or strange to them because you see things like that all the time in tabloid journalism."

Now that's what ponies are terrified of. Ponies seeing their private lives, that just terrifies them to pieces. Listen to this part of my interview with the public when I asked them if they'd be okay with Celestia's intelligence agencies acquiring private photographs and messages.

I wouldn't not want any pony, let alone the RIA or something, to be looking through the postcards I send to my sister friendswas the first reponse.

I'll admit there's a lot of things both me and my wife do that we would hate to be in the hooves of some pony else. said the second

If I knew that a part of the government was looking at photos of what I do in my kitchen or bedroom, I would be very, very pissed off, said the last stallion.

What's your read on that last pony? Do you think he's got something out there?

"Well..."

You don't need to guess, I'll show you.

I did have six or seven mugs of cider a few night ago and my best friend decided to pull a prank on me and sent photos of my, adventures, to my relatives in Cloudsdale and Manehattan.

"That's really unfortunate for him," Sweetie Drops said, chuckling.

This is the clearest line in the sand ponies have. "Can they see my embarrassing private life?" And with that in mind, look in this folder. I slid the folder across the table to Sweetie Drops. She opened it and stared wide eyed at the image.

"Wow, this is..." she hesitated to say something.

That's a close up, of my flank. So lets go through each ESA program, and describe to us what they can do in regards to that image, especially when it's an old picture from college that my friend cannot stop reminding me about.

"Okay, I'll try my best. I mean I just don't know what to do with this, it's a huge responsibility."

It is! That's the point of this whole thing.

"Should I, let the mic guy have a glimpse of-"

No, you shouldn't, that's a horrible thing to do. I can't believe you would even suggest that. Well actually I can...but don't, do not do it. I'm watching you.

Sweetie Drops laughed hard at my comment.

Okay, Seven Zero Two Surveillance, can they see that picture?

"Yes, the Flying Amendment Act which Seven O'Two falls under allows for the bulk collection of information on any Pegasi mail communication that is one-end foreign. You see, if you have your mail hosted my Mass Air Mail or Cloudsdale Everywhere, they will store a copy of that document or documents with magic. Like a picture, they can use a spell to flash-save an image of whatever is mailed onto an attuned crystal. This makes it one-end foreign because those crystals are only found in the Crystal Empire, so mailing companies have to send mail out to the Crystal Empire to be copied and then send it back in."

But the Crystal Empire is part of Equestria, technically.

"Not to the ESA. Because of its sudden and rather mysterious return, the ESA has made the Crystal Empire a special exception and anything coming in from there will be registered as foreign, even though you're sending something to some pony inside what the ESA considers 'domestic' territory."

Uh, wow okay. Celestial Order Twelve Triple Three, flank or no flank?

"Flank, definitely. CO Twelve Triple Three is the ESA's way of getting what they want when other authorities aren't being aggressive enough, or not turning up as much data as the ESA wants. For example-"

I'm only concerned about my flank right now. How is CO Twelve Triple Three going to get that photo?

Sweetie Drops sighed. "When you send your... rump, to some pony through a teleportation spell, the unicorn service provider will have to record that information on a local crystal node. Unlike Seven O'Two, these nodes are located on domestic territory, however the nodes also have limited space, so data will have to be moved around from node to node, and occasionally slipping into the Crystal Empire at some point. If it enters the Crystal Empire for even a minute, it becomes foreign and ESA can take a copy."

What if you're a lucky unicorn and you don't need a service provider?

"Sorry, they're out of luck too. It's actually worse for them because the ESA will pick it up directly from government funded crystal nodes and they'll see a copy of that flank as soon as you send it."

Jeez, you're not giving me much hope here. What's Prism Tech, where do they fall into place?

"Prism Tech is the organization that gives the ESA the ability to pick up your information magically. For both Seven O'Two and CO Twelve Triple Three they need finely attuned crystals to store images and data, as well as magically transport the data from city to city in seconds. They also provide the intercepting technology that detects and copies data sent personally by any unicorn with a teleporting spell."

What if you teleport yourself, or some pony else?

"Prism Tech picks up a picture of you or which ever pony you teleport, and delivers it to a government node. From there ESA sees who you are and they could probably figure out where you teleported from, and where you were headed."

What about Mystic?

"If it's any written documents or recording such as this, then yes."

How much of it do they have? Can they see the contents of the data or just the length?

"They will have the content, but only for a few areas. If it's to or from any of the outer settlements like Appleloosa or Dodge Junction, or if you're doing charity work in Griffinstone and you send home a letter, they'll copy that information for sure."

Finally, and do you need to remind yourself with the picture?

"Oh no, I'm good, thank you."

Two Fifteen Meta Data?

"No..."

Oh thank goodness!

"But..."

Oh fuck, give me a break here!

"They could probably figure out who you're messaging. For written documents it's just an image flash-saved by magic onto a crystal, so they can see how long it was and some of the contents, depending on how good the resolution is on the copy. For recordings, the data flash-saved can only tell how long it was, but they can also track where it was sent from and the destination. The ESA would say they only have the geographical location, or the service provider office number, or the PO box number, but of course they could look up the name of the place with any of that information."

So if I received a recording from a friend's interview by teleport, they could see where I am, where he is, and how long that interview was.

"It doesn't even have to be by teleport. Remember, even if that recording was mailed to you, its information is still stored on crystals in the Crystal Empire, and if the ESA don't get that data from the Crystal Empire they'll make their own copy when it comes back in."

If the Equestrian public understood this, they would be utterly horrified.

Sweetie Drops paused for a moment. "Yeah, I guess I never considered putting it all int he context of... your flank. Maybe your public interviews would have had some different answers."

So, would the safe thing to take away from this is that until such time that all these programs are sorted out, no pony should share anything about their private lives?

"No, absolutely not, if-"

Hold on, you're saying no? So do keep taking pictures of your flank and sending it?

"Yes, if that's what you do then do it. Ponies should not have to change what they do or how they live just because a government agency is the one that's doing something wrong. If we sacrifice our values because we're afraid, then we don't care about those values very much."

Wow. That is the most inspiring answer to the question, "Why'd you send me a picture of your bum?"

"Because I love Equestria! That's why!

So there you have it Equestria. We all should now be well equipped to decide if we want our safety to mean being watched by barely regulated data collectors hopped up on magic crystals. And with my work with this story done, I had to offer Sweetie Drops one last thing.

Sweetie Drops, thank you for taking the time and the risk having this interview with us, and whether or not your actions turns out to be right or wrong, I think you still deserve something special. So, for all the risks you have taken, here is for very own miniature chocolate Celestia.

"Oh wow, this is really something. I love chocolate so much, thanks."

I pulled another from my bag and we shared a couple bites together.

So, one last question. What's the over/under on me walking around town safely after all this gets aired?

She chuckled at me. "Well, if you weren't on the list you are now."

(silence.........) Wait, is th-that a.. is that a joke or like, an actual possibility or...

"No it's definitely a real thing. You're associated now and they'll be keeping an eye on that activity."

For the record ESA I have never met this pony in my life, so take me off your fucking list!

Author's Note

Audience, Equestrians, masters of your own life. How do you feel about your government, the princesses you trusted, allowing the ESA to monitor us in so many ways? We'd like to hear your comments via the secure network below. Let's hope the ESA can't flash-save that as well.