The traveling entertainer's life isn't for everypony. It means long days of wagon-pulling, plenty of lonely nights, and far more grass in one's diet than most ponies care for. But for some ponies, myself included, it's the only way to live. The performances make it worth it, hearing ponies cheer out "Field Player!"
And just Field Player, for that matter. Unlike certain mares who shall remain nameless and who wouldn't recognize talent if it bit them on the dock, I don't have to compensate for a lackluster show with grandiose titles and costumes, or even an overblown color scheme. No, I can let my performances stand on their own. I am but the humble purveyor of these marvels, brown coat and black mane helping to ensure that it is my magic that captivates the crowds.
Arranging this particular purveyance was complicated by aforementioned tasteless mare. She had performed in the quaint little village of Ponyville a few weeks ago, and her show had somehow lead to an incident involving a young starbeast rampaging through the town. I was not at all surprised to hear this. Still, a bit of cordial conversation with the local authorities (and a promise to pay for any monster attacks my performance might cause) earned me permission to ply my trade that evening.
Despite the understandable initial wariness, Ponyville proved a very friendly town and a great audience. More than a few musicians, but they still worked with physical instruments. None of them could do what I did, synching up illusory sound and images in a spectacle the likes of which the hamlet had never seen before. Even the few unicorns with instruments or notes on their flanks were gaping, stunned. Of course, none of them had a note framed in an eye. My artistry was beyond them, and I was more than happy to grant them the privilege of witnessing it.
The sun hung low before me as I put on my show, my displays prominent before the darkening sky. I smiled as I took in the crowd, my golden aura not even shifting into overglow. Most ponies would be too focused on such a complicated performance to watch the reactions, but not one such as I, who had long since mastered the routine. Besides, there was little point if I couldn't see the admiration, the awe, the recognition of my abilities. After all, that praise was what drove me from town to town.
Well, praise and other motivations. I stopped scanning the crowd once I spotted what I was looking for, a mare who watched my vivid performance not with wonder, but with curiosity. I was already smiling as I soaked in the audience's reaction, but seeing her made my grin widen a little. She was a vision. Her slim figure, inquisitive gaze, and potent magic—so much so that I could sense it from on stage—standing out amidst the crowd of bumpkins like a beautiful orchid in an especially plebeian marsh.
I love orchids. They're delicious.
I delivered the finale in all of its scintillating glory. Once the last glimmers faded with the final note, I bowed, cuing a thunderous round of applause. All too soon, the crowd began to disperse. Though unlike certain mares, I make sure to collect admission before the performance, thanks to a box marked with the words "Support the Arts" and an entirely legal compulsion that makes it easier to put a bit in the box than ignore it. To say nothing of what would happen to anypony who might try to take it for themselves...
But I digress. I kept an eye on the lilac lovely and smiled as I realized that she wasn't going anywhere. She probably wanted to discuss the theory behind the routine. Perfect.
I stepped off the stage and approached her. "Excuse me, Miss...?"
She looked around, as though I'd give the time of day to anypony else in this backwater. "Twilight Sparkle," she said.
"I couldn't help but notice that you were watching my performance with a more scholarly bent than most."
She blinked and raised her eyebrows, clearly impressed. "Really? I thought you'd be too busy focusing on the performance to see the crowd's reaction."
"Well, I don't like to brag," I said, my chest swelling with humility, "but with my talent and experience, I could do something like that performance in my sleep."
"Wow. I've done a little work with illusions, but nothing that elaborate."
I basked in the glow. This was what I looked for, somepony who couldn't just admire my skills, but appreciate just how well developed those skills were. Unlike some toilet-cleaner-coated dabbler who couldn't appreciate the focus and dedication needed to specialize in one area of spellcraft. "If you'd like," I said, "we could discuss the concepts in greater depth, along with any other topics you might be interested in."
She tilted her head. Adorable. "Such as?"
I flashed a winning smile that had won me hearts across Equestria. "Well, biology has always been a favorite."
She took a moment to process the comment, then gave an adorable little squeak and worked her mouth silently for a few moments. "I..." She blushed. "I think I'd like that. Follow me."
We talked along the way. To most outside observers, our discussion grew more obscure and academic with every sentence. But the two of us knew we were exchanging elaborate multiple-entendres that could only be unraveled with a vast understanding of the arcane sciences. I come up with them to pass the time as I move between towns. To my surprise and delight, Twilight managed to make a few that took me a few moments to process.
Soon enough, we came to what I had to assume was her home. "A tree?"
"The town library," she said. She beamed. "Aren't earth pony towns fascinating? I'd never heard of such a thing until I came here."
Not really. "Indeed."
We went inside and discussed magical theory for quite an enjoyable span. Still, I could see her anxious shifting, and with a smile, I said, "So about those... biological matters."
She perked up and almost bounced on her hooves. "I'm so excited! I can't believe I'm really going to be doing this. I mean, are you sure? You want to... " She reddened. "You want to with me?"
"Why wouldn't I?" I said. "You're brilliant, you're beautiful, you're everything a stallion could ask for."
Her blush got even brighter. "Well, you're very kind to say that, but I'm still learning the basics of friendship and you want to move up to something as advanced as..." She giggled. It was so precious, it almost hurt. "Oh, I can't even say it! I'm sure Cadence would say I'm taking this way too quickly, but I admit, I've always been curious. You can read about it in textbooks and, well, let's call them less scholarly sources, but there's nothing like firsthoof experience, right?"
I nodded. I've dealt with plenty of nervous ramblers in my day. I leaned my head near hers and whispered, "Follow my lead."
"What?" She backed away, shaking her head. "No, no, no, not yet. I have a checklist we have to fill out first."
"A checklist?" I echoed. "We could just—"
"Oh, it'll be over quick. Then we can..." She giggled again.
I smiled. Humoring her seemed harmless. "Then let's start. The sooner we finish..." I trailed off with a roguish wink, letting her imagination do the rest.
Twilight nodded, and her horn lit up. A cylinder as thick as her barrel burst into existence in front of her.
My jaw dropped. "That is a large scroll." The words slipped out before I could even think to stop them.
She didn't seem to notice, unrolling an all-too-short length of the immense thing. "Now then," she said, "is this your first time?"
I collected myself and gave my best "bad colt" grin. "I wouldn't say that."
She looked away and gave a delicious little squirm. "Well, it's mine. I guess I can follow your lead."
"In that case..." I tried to take the checklist in my own magic.
She completely overwhelmed me with no visible effort on her part. It was like getting my horn slammed in a door. She glared at me, but was smiling. "Hey, if we're going to do this, we're doing it properly. Next question, do you have any venereal diseases?"
I sputtered. "What!? Why would you—"
She narrowed her eyes. "You know, acting defensively about that kind of thing isn't filling me with confidence."
I gritted my teeth. This was beginning to feel like Trixie all over again. "No."
She raised an eyebrow. "Hmm. Hold still, please." Before I could react, a field of magenta light swept over me. Twilight smiled again. "Good! You were right, you don't."
"What was that about?" I swore I could taste plaid.
"Well, if you had answered the question right away, I wouldn't have needed to cast the medical scan." She turned back to the checklist. "Next question... Well, it isn't exactly a question. I'm going to need a cheek swab."
I knew I wouldn't like the answer, but I couldn't help but ask. "Why?"
She shrugged. "Oh, you know, the usual. A quick genomic analysis, see if we share any unpleasant recessive traits that might carry over to the foals—"
"I have protection!" I sputtered. Honestly, the last thing I wanted was leaving a trail of single mothers in my wake. Such thoughtlessness was beneath me, to say nothing of what might happen if I returned to those towns later on.
"Even magical contraceptives have a nonzero failure rate. I figured this was the best option, but if you'd prefer to give a blood sample..."
Any concerns about foals were knocked out of my head. "No, no, a cheek swab is fine!"
She gave a little laugh. "Yeah, I figured." A cotton swab floated in front of my muzzle "Open wide!"
I did. It was demeaning. Just keep it together, Field, I told myself. It'll all be worth it...
"There, that's that taken care of." She moved to the next item. There was still a great deal of scroll left. "Now, do you have any allergies, especially to any kind of dragon byproduct?"
Dragons? Wait, no, asking questions would only delay the end result. Zipping through them was my best option. "No."
"Uh huh. Unusual magical sensitivities or resistances?"
"Most illusions don't work on me." Part and parcel of my talent, that.
"Makes sense. Are you on any prescription medications?"
I snorted and smiled. "With my lifestyle?"
She nodded. "Good point. Do you have a criminal record?"
My eyes widened. I swallowed. "Uh, define 'criminal record.'"
She raised an eyebrow. "Criminal record. Noun. A record of a pony's arrests and convictions, generally used by potential employers, moneylenders, romantic partners, and so forth to assess his or her trustworthiness. Are you going to answer the question, or am I going to have to use it in a sentence?"
"Oh. Well then. It's just a few parking tickets." Among other things.
"Is that all?" She laughs. "I've gotten ticketed before, and I don't even have a cart license."
"Then how—?"
"A hot air balloon." A camera manifested in front of her. "Now, I'm going to need a picture of your cutie mark."
I backed away a few steps. "Why?"
"I need submit it to the Royal Bureau of Investigation. They can do a much more thorough background check than I can. It should only take two to four weeks to determine if what we're about to do would be a threat to national security." She reared up and clopped her forehooves together a few times. "Oh, I'm so spontaneous!"
Rarity normally held herself with grace and elegance, as befitted a unicorn and a lady.
These were not normal times. Her lashing tail, stomping hooves, and lowered horn made it clear that she was on the warpath, one that led to the Golden Oak. "I cannot believe you allowed this to happen, Rainbow Dash!"
Dash hovered just behind Rarity, keeping to her blind spots. "I'm telling you, Rarity, she's got this."
Rarity turned her head enough to direct a one-eyed glare at Dash. "She does not 'have this'! Twilight is so sheltered that she'd never had so much as a slumber party before she came here! This... this cad is going to have his way with her, break her poor, innocent heart into a million pieces, and probably make her never want to love again!" Rarity's limbs twitched as she restrained herself to a brisk trot. "You may be content to stand idly by as this travesty of romance takes place, but I will not allow one of my dear friends to suffer so grievous an injury!"
"Hey!" Dash went muzzle-to-muzzle with Rarity. "If I thought Twilight couldn't handle this, I never woulda let that creep get within twenty feet of her!"
Decorum forgotten, Rarity snorted as they approached the library. "Oh, please. Did you see how he had her wrapped around his hoof? She probably would've presented herself in the street if he'd asked her! Twilight has no experience in these matters. We have to—"
"Not worth it!" The library's door flew open, and Field Player galloped into the night.
"...Help ...her?" Rarity watched him go, her jaw hanging open.
Twilight poked her head out of the doorway and called, "Where are you going? We haven't even started the psychological profile!" She managed to hold her longing expression for all of three seconds before bursting into laughter.
"Screw you and the cart you came in with!" Dash cried. She extended a hoof towards Twilight. "Nice."
Twilight completed the hoofbump and smiled. "Thanks."
"But... you... he..." Rarity looked back and forth between her friends and the wake of the fleeing stallion. "What?"
Twilight turned to her. "Oh, good evening, Rarity."
"I... It..." Rarity shook herself. "Er, good evening, darling. I don't suppose you could tell me what that was about?"
Dash put a foreleg over Twilight's withers. "Ever since me and Pinkie—"
"'Pinkie and I,'" Twilight said automatically.
"Ever since we got Twilight with that well of invisible ink, she's been way into pranks."
Twilight nodded. "It's a fascinating school of humor. And as the name implies, practical jokes actually do have practical applications." She smirked. "As Field Player just demonstrated."
"But..." Rarity struggled for words for a moment. "I thought for certain that that cretin had seduced you!"
A few laughs escaped Twilight before she cleared her throat. "Sorry. It's just that I had to deal with much worse than him in Canterlot."
"You what?"
Dash nudged Twilight with a wing. "Aw, yeah. Everypony wanted a piece of my girl here."
Twilight flushed. "Well, not exactly. Everypony wanted Celestia's personal student. So I got a lot of insincere romantic overtures."
Rarity took in her friend. Twilight had the slimmest legs she'd ever seen, speaking of the incredible magic supporting her muscles. There was a faint shimmer about her horn even when she wasn't casting. She practically smelled like magic, a hint of something indescribable on the air. In short, she effortlessly fulfilled the ideal of beauty that took Rarity hours of prep work each morning. "I'm sure a few of them were truly infatuated with you."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Please. Me? I'm nothing special. They just wanted to be two degrees away from Celestia."
Dash chimed in. "Twi told me and Pinkie—"
"'Pinkie and me.'"
"—about it while we were tellin' her about pranking, and so we came up with a perfect way to repel creeps."
Twilight nodded. "Be myself, only more so." She frowned. "Though I still don't see why the cheek swab is such a bad idea."
Author's Note
And take your first-person perspective with you!
Hey, why'd you stuff me down here?
Because I wasn't sure if that joke would fly in the main text. Also, I wrote that scene solely for Dash and Rarity, and recalibrating it to fit you in seemed excessive.
Credit goes to Titanium Dragon for making Pinkie and Rainbow Dash Twilight's tutors in trolling.
Anyway, this is what happens when I try to write a clopfic. Or at least what happens when I intentionally write the sleaziest character I can stomach.
Part of my headcanon is that pre-ascension Twilight was basically the paragon of unicorn beauty without even realizing it. And that unicorn magic telekinetically reinforces the musculoskeletal system, which means that unicorns (or, at least, those attracted to them) subconsciously find thin limbs attractive, as they indicate stronger magic. By extension, between his considerable physique and potent magic, Shining Armor is freaking ripped. (Meanwhile, when Applejack first met Twilight, she tried to stuff as many calories as she could down the poor thing's throat. Same signal, different receptor.)
My apologies to those of you expecting a Mistress Marevelous/Humdrum shipfic. 
