Adventures of a Stereotypical Brony
Prologue: Findin' my own destiny
"Having quotes in italics at the beginning of every chapter makes one deep, dark and edgy."
-Mahatma Gandhi
Links in blue denote music, which you must listen to, otherwise the wrong atmosphere might be created because you are not enlightened to my superior patrician avant-garde music taste. Also you might ruin the story by listening to your entry-level plebeian mainstream trash.
"So you want to go to Equestria?"
"Um...ya! It's been my dream since I was like.... 5?!!"
"Well hand me yo wallet peckerwood."
"Sur-wait what?"
James raised a quizzical eyebrow in the direction of the black man sitting opposite him, across the greasy table. It had been a normal day for him, spilling spaghetti and minding his own business in the corner of McDonald's when a large, intimidating african-american approached. The man gestured towards his Fluttershy toy he had just received in his happy meal, then asked if he could dine with James. Of course, being irrationally trusting of anyone carrying the label "Brony", James said yes immediately. Love and tolerate.
"You heard me. Hand over your wallet."
"Why?"
"Because you don't need money in Equestria. Especially not Benjamins. Ummmmm yeah right ooooon I love me some Benjamins."
James was wondering why the black man was rubbing Benjamin Franklin-faced $100 bills on his nipples. He had presumed it was Discord. Discord was always sending middle-class american teenagers to Equestria for no discernible reason. Of course it was Discord. Everypony knew Discord loved 100 dollar bills almost as much as he loved nipples.
"Okay Discord-I know it's you-here's my wallet."
He stretched out his hand, brown leather wallet in palm. James was sweating profusely, he hated social interaction and he despised any physical contact with other humans. His dining companion snatched up the wallet and checked its interior. Discord-black man's eyes lit up at the sight of some fresh Benjamins. It looked like his nipples would explode if they were to get any more erect.
The man jumped out of his seat and made a bolt for the door leaving no time for James to react, but being a courteous criminal he had to taunt his victim before he left:
"Haha stupid white-ass cracker"
Then he disappeared of down the street, stealing some poor soul's unlocked bike on the way past. He yelled something that sounded faintly like 'Justice for Trayvon!"
James slumped over on his seat, head in hands and greasy hair brushing against the even greasier table.
"Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" He asked no one in particular.
He considered suicide as he had done many a lonely night, but found himself too much of a damn pussy to pull it off. In his mind he blamed everything from God to the marginalization of the white male in today's society. His heart filled to the brim with anger and teenage angst, until he could take it no more. He slammed his fist into the table with the strength of a thousand burning cushions, moderately frightening the obese children on the table next to him. Stammering an apology under his breath he started crying; hitting the table really did hurt.
A female McDonald's worker politely asked him to leave, citing the complaints of the other customers and the lack of space in McDonald's on a busy Saturday morning. James just ignored her, the tears flowed freely, emerging from his swollen eyes and flowing down to sting his acne-ridden face.
Not to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form. Srsly guiyz. Fanfiction is srs biznss.
Adventures of a Stereotypical Brony
Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins
"This shit is redundant and in no way makes you an intellectual, you may as well be posting lyrics to metal songs on your myspace profile."
-Thomas Jefferson
The next morning James headed to Starbucks, bringing along his macbook pro and Lyra plushie.
Casting a cautious glance around the small coffee shop, he sat down slowly. He was still recovering from his traumatic experience yesterday, and was on edge, looking out for black people that would surely be after his wallet in their mindless pursuit of Benjamins to gratify their sick, depraved desire for nippular pleasure.
Making sure nobody was in visual range of his laptop screen, he opened it up and started the machine. He waited a few moments for it to warm up, then logged in and opened up Safari. Clicking on his favorites tab instantly launched his favorite clop and bestiality websites, and he settled in for a long hard session of voyeuristic fantasies with a certain cast of pastel-colored cartoon horses. But alas, this was not meant to be.
As soon as the website -name withheld- opened, a site made almost exclusively for the posting of strange fetish clopfiction and stories about your alicorn OC, the screen began to swirl in a vaguely counter-clockwise direction. James raised one greasy eyebrow in wonderment as a psychedelic stream of colors began to pour out of his computer screen, and soon he felt a disembodied tug at his collar. Extremely annoyed about not being able to finish writing his first-person erotica involving him and Futashy, he started hitting the laptop screen, and was quite startled to see that his hand went through the screen, promptly followed by the rest of his body.
"Help me!"
He managed to shout out before his face disappeared into the kaleidoscopic laptop screen. The other occupants of the Starbucks ignored the desperate cries of the brony in the corner, they came here often enough to know just not to interact with the fedora-wearing autist.
With a final attempt at grabbing something solid to save himself, the disembodied hand that had remained in this dimension followed the rest of James's body. A nearby man grimaced and gagged over his americano coffee as he caught sight of the tabs James had left open on the now normal laptop screen. He then shook his head.
Sick pedophiles these days.,,
James awoke, groggy and light-headed. Lethargically he forced open his eyelids, to be greeted with the sight of unnaturally green grass.
"Wha-where am I?"
The words came out from a desert-like throat with a scratchy hint to them, as if he had not talked, or drank water, for months. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard an accented reply.
"Yer on ma' farm you ugly mutant varmint, now git!"
At the sound of the deep-southern voice James groaned.
Oh great, kidnapped by a dumb redneck bent on pursuing a radical right-wing agenda with him somehow. Why could he never be kidnapped by a progressive socialist who actually understood how the world worked? It's all this disgusting cis privilege around nowadays.
Without looking up, James spat as he replied.
"Who're you calling mutant, you dirty inbred hick."
"Huh-what did you just say tah me?"
James looked into a dangerously close pair of bright green eyes. Strangely large ones as well. Then he had a realization. But it was too late as he was bucked directly in the face, sent flying across the ground and into an apple tree, where he landed in with a sick thud, with a sound more akin to a bag of rocks hitting obsidian then flesh hitting bark, and the accompanied of several audible snapping sounds.
He faded in and out of consciousness, as excruciating pain coursed through his every nerve in his body. He winced at the feeling of bones at unnatural angles, tearing through his flesh. Attempting to move one finger resulted in a fresh round of mind numbing pain. He had broken several ribs and his jaw was a mess inverse and cracked bones and loose teeth. His spine was completely numb, which couldn't be a good sign. Managing to spit out a glob of blood, mucus and formerly intact teeth he looked at Applejack and uttered one word:
"Why?"
This was his dream. To be transported to Equestria and to meet the ponies of his dreams. So far it was not going according to plan.
Applejack nervously scratched the back of her mane with a single hoof as she averted her eyes from the crumpled mess of a pony/human hybrid that lay slumped at the base of a tree, it was ugly, disregarding the fact it had a crumpled face and only its lower body was a pony. Then her gaze hardened.
"Oh 'ahm sorry, I forgot that ya didn't have the strength to back up those insults. Now ah best get you somepony with medical experience, 'fore you bleed out. Twilight'll know what ta do."
He began slipping into merciful unconsciousness as various injuries leaked vital body fluids, unable to hear the end of Applejack's last sentence. One last thought appeared in his mind as he saw something before a black veil descended upon the world, a blonde tail waving from side to side as its owner hurridly walked off to fetch help, leading to a smooth pair of buttocks.
Dat plot.
A/N: Updates will be short and sporadic at best, I'm not particularly renowned for my consistency.
