Nona - Is It True What They Say About Humans?

“Ow, fuck shit!”, I grumbled, pricking my finger on a thorn for what seemed like the thousandth time that morning as I tended my tumooter plants. I sucked my finger and grimaced. Why the fuck was I even bothering with these things?

‘You need a hobby’, Nona’d said. ‘Try gardening’, she’d said. Why didn’t I grow flowers? Flowers don’t have thorns. Well, roses, yeah, but fuck! These things were like blackberries from hell!

“The fruit’s really nice and it makes great wine!”, the pony at the garden shop had said. The wine was a selling point. Okay, sounded good to me so here I was ripping my hands up. Yeah, I wanted to smack the pony who’d sold me these fucking things in the head, now.

“Hey, babe! I’m back!”

I looked up to see Nona’s head sticking out the back door. She wasn’t smiling. Bad sign. I stood up and headed across the yard toward her.

“What’s up?”, I asked, feeling like maybe I shouldn’t ask that question. Too bad I wasn’t a mind reader like her.

“We need to talk”, she said as she headed toward the kitchen, me following.

Oh, fuck me! I knew that tone. This was not going to be good.

I grabbed a cup of coffee, or what passed in Equestria for coffee anyway, took a seat at the table and waited for the hammer to drop.

She sat down opposite from me, looked at me for a minute.

“How do you feel about an open relationship?”, she asked. I’d been sipping coffee when she asked that. Big mistake. Shocked, I spewed my drink all over the table, stared at her.

“The fuck!”, I blurted, “ain’t I enough for you, baby?”

She looked down at the table, frowned, looked back at me.

“No, the opposite”, she said quietly, “you’re too much!”

I stared back at her wondering and not being quite sure what she meant. I mean, sure, I had an idea but I know I’m not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree of life so... Fuck me!

“Uh... What do you mean too much?”, I asked, “I thought you loved fucking me.”

“Oh, I do! I do!”, she said emphatically, “I mean, especially the last time when you made me pass out. Twice! It was wonderful!”

“So, what’s the problem?”, I asked thinking I’d rather eat dog shit than hear the answer. I felt like I wanted to tell her I love her but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it in that moment. Oh, fuck me!

“Two hours every night and four on weekends is a bit much, babe”, she said, looking like she was regretting it as soon as she said it, “you’re  wearing me out. I’m lucky I can walk when I get up in the morning.”

I stared at her. Okay, so, it was dawning on me that she definitely didn’t want to go out and fuck other ponies. That was a relief since I tended to be an insanely jealous bastard. Shit! I once popped a stallion in the eye for looking at her wrong!

“So, um... I love you?”, I kind of half asked, half said. She smiled for the first time, reached across the table and took my hand, squeezed it.

“Oh, I love you too, babe, but have you seen my clit? The poor thing’s so tired it’s hanging out of me like a tampon string!”, she said.

Wait... How the fuck did she know about tampons... Or the strings on them? She’d never used them, never had to. Ponies - even changelings - didn’t have periods which I thought was kind of pretty cool since I didn’t have to deal with PMS. I grimaced when the mental image of mares walking around with strings hanging out of their pussies invaded my head. I facepalmed. Oh, fuck me!

“Uh, honey..?”, she said. I opened my eyes to see her staring at me, arching an eyebrow at me, “Open relationship..?”

Then it hit me like a freight train moving at one mile an hour.

“Wait... You want me to go out and fuck other mares? Like, have a harem or something?”, I stared at her, my jaw dropping. She nodded. My mind reeled.

Whoah! Wait! Whoah! Hold up! Put the breaks on this shit!

Nona was just as jealous as me. She once bit a mare on the head just for flirting with me! Yeah, we kind of had a rep in Ponyville. Now she was saying she wanted me to go out and start a fucking harem like some studmeister? The fuck, man! Another thought hit me like a swinging pinata.

“What the fuck brought all this on?”, I asked. She studied my face for a moment, bit her lip.

“Okay, so, I was walking past Sugarcube Corner and there were these two mares hanging out. They kept looking at me and giggling. I thought they were making fun of me because I’m a Changeling. You know how I’m sensitive about that”, she said.

“Uh... What?”, I asked.

“Yeah”, she continued, “So I got pissed, went up and asked them what they were laughing about. They got kind of scared. I guess I’m scary when I get mad? Anyway, they said they weren’t making fun of me so I asked them what it was.”

“So?”, I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“They told me they were jealous!”, she said, “I was all like... ‘jealous?’ Why?”

That’s when the swimming pool colored one, Feathermay, asked me, ‘is it true what they say about humans?’”

I felt a shock of horror and dismay run through me. I really didn’t want to hear what she’d told them.

“So, I told them, yeah. It was all true! Every bit of it! That’s when I got an idea”, she said.

I stared at her, really horrified now. Shit, it was bad enough living in Ponyville with every mare in town looking at me and drooling like they’d rape me right there on the sidewalk if they could but... Oh, fuck me! Just then Nona got a guilty look on her face.

“What... Did... You... Do?”, I asked slowly, feeling like I really didn’t want to hear the answer to this.

“I, um... I put an ad in the Ponyville Picayune”, she said, quietly, “it’ll be out with the morning edition which should be right about... Now”

“What?!”, I shouted, jumping up from the table, almost knocking it over, “What kind of ad?”

“I know how horny you are, honey! You’d fuck me all day every day if I let you! I thought it would help!”, she squeaked.

“What did it say?”, I asked, narrowing my eyes and staring at her, both scared and really pissed off, now.

“I, um... Kind of... Put you out for stud?”, she said sheepishly.

“What?!”, I shouted loud enough to rattle the windows.

Poor Nona’s ears fell, she looked like she wanted to crawl under the table.

I ran my hand through my hair, started pacing the floor.

“Oh, fuck me!”, I muttered, “how could you do that, Nona?!’

“I didn’t mean any harm by it, babe! Really! I thought it would help. You’re like a steam boiler without a safety valve. I just wanted to make sure you’re getting enough!”, she said, quietly, staring at the table. She sounded like we were talking about vitamins for crissake!

Okay, that blew me away. Here was one of the most jealous females of all time not only willing but sharing me with other mares? That, to me, had to be one of the most loving things anyone’d ever done. My anger faded.

I opened my mouth to say something when there was a knock at the door. I was so pissed I opened it without thinking.

There, at my front door, stood Apple Jack. Apple Jack?! The most sexless, dateless mare in Ponyville?! My mind spun faster.

“Hey, sugarcube”, she cooed as she drew up close to me, “ah read yer ad in th’ paper this mornin’ so here ah be!”

She licked her lips, looked at me like a starving pony eyeing a Hayburger. Shit! Was she drooling?

I backpedaled away from the door.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that I’d never thought of having Apple Jack or never had fantasies about her. Fuck, she was one of the hottest mares in Ponyville but she was always working, never flirted with me when I worked at her farm, it just never occurred to me that she ever even thought about sex so her showing up at our door was a huge shock.

“Hey, Nona!”, smiled Apple Jack at Nona  with a wink. She saw Nona’s frown.

“Did ah come at a bad time, honey?”, asked Apple Jack as I seriously considered leaping through the living room window.

“I think I made a mistake”, said Nona, embarrassed.

“Oh, well! What’s done is done!”, smiled Apple Jack as she grabbed me by the shirt with her teeth and dragged me off down the street, screaming.

“Don’ worry, sugarcube!”, she shouted back to Nona, “Ah’ll bring ‘em back in one piece! Ah promise!”

...

“Hot damn boy howdy! It’s true! It’s all true!”, purred Apple Jack as she lay next to me smoking a cigaret five hours later.  All I could do was lay there and groan, feeling like I’d been hit by a truck.

Yeah, all that hard work in the orchards had made her one fucking strong mare but, up to that point, I had no idea she got off on being sadistic, too. I touched the huge bruise on my eye where she’d punched me while she was climaxing and grimaced.

“So, what ah owe ye, darlin’?”, she asked, snubbing her cigaret out.

“What?!”, I shouted, leaping out of her bed then wincing from the pain of all the bruises she’d put on my body, “Owe me?! I ain’t no fucking prostitute!”

“Oh, goody! Tha’ means ah can have seconds!”, she squealed with evil delight. Rubbing her forehooves together and licking her lips she grabbed me, screaming, dragged me across the room and strapped me to a torture rack.

...

I dragged my poor, aching body home from Apple Jacks after almost ten hours of some of the most brutal, violent sex I’d ever been a victim of. Yeah, whips I could understand but fucking studded chains? That bitch was into some seriously kinky shit! And who knew? You’d never guess just from looking at that innocent farm-girl face what kind of evil lurked behind those wicked green eyes!

Hell, at least I knew now why she never went on dates and it definitely answered the question of why some stallions got scared shitless and ran when they saw her.

...

I was still a block from my house. I almost shit when I saw what was waiting at the front door.

There, lined up for a block and a half, were mares and older fillies of every color and description, all of them holding little scraps of paper in their mouths.

I went a block behind my house, snuck through a neigh-bor’s yard hoping I could get in the house unseen.

Luck was with me! I peeked through the hedges that separated the back of my house from our neighbors, saw the back yard was empty.

I dragged my battered ass across the back yard to the door as fast and as quietly as I could.

I was just opening the door when squealing giggles hit my ears.

“There he is!”, some mares shouted excitedly as they ran toward me. I practically jumped through the door, slamming it behind me. This was followed by several loud thumps as the mares in the lead were pushed into the door and back wall by those behind them trying to get to me.

“Baby! Are you okay?!”, Nona gasped, shocked, when she saw me.

“I fuckin’ hate you!”, I growled angrily as I dragged myself up the stairs and went to bed. Needless to say I slept alone that night, Nona wisely choosing to sleep on the couch.

I tried to sleep but my mind was filled with the horrors Apple Jack had subjected me to that day so I just tossed and turned for most of the night before passing out, aching and moaning, some time around four in the morning.

I would definitely have to have a talk with Nona in the morning about going to the Picayune and pulling that fucking ad! I hoped that with it gone that’d be the end of it and I wouldn’t have to be subjected to the weirdness of Ponyville’s mares anymore.

Little did I realize that this was only the beginning.