Chapter 3: Twenty-Two Problems

"I’ve Been Stuck in the hole for way too long, I’ve got 99 problems that are going on!"

You left behind your pain
Trotting into Everfree
To forget those you had slain
A chance to redeem. All would see

This escape
An illusion
Of the past you are never free

*** *** ***

10:30 PM

So, Lawful Virtue locked me in a closest and, let me tell you, one can only entertain oneself so long via making shadow puppets on the wall with your magic. I started playing with my magical pistol. Ok, that sounds bad. Playing is really the wrong word. I meant I was practicing reloading. Don’t play with guns foals!

Ok, go down the checklist. Depress the red button, pull back on the casing, remove the old battery, replace it with a new battery, snap it in, and go. And repeat.

Ugh, what is taking him so long? Isn’t it eleven yet? He said he would come and get me an hour before midnight. I looked around the dim room for probably the fifteenth time. Nothing. Just those locked green rectangular containers with a blue stripe down the middle. Hmm, idea.
I approached the box and saw a lock hanging off of it. I focused my magic on the lock and, sure enough, I could feel its entire inner workings.

Wow, the lock felt a lot more complicated than it looked. Ok Recap, where are the moving parts? I began messing with the different tumblers until I started to get a picture of the mechanisms in my mind. Ok, 4 different tumblers all at rest. Hmm, let’s lift one. I was rewarded with the sound of grinding metal and the strange sensation of bending tumblers.

“oh dear, ok. Apparently up is the wrong way”

I looked at the lock again. It was hanging off the box at an odd angle, that explains it. I need to push the tumblers in the direction of the top of the lock not my “up”. I focused again as the pale blue glow enveloped the lock again. I pushed on the tumbler and waited. Nothing. Ok, a little more. *Click*

“ooh! Something happened!” I tried to turn the lock but it didn’t budge. Luckily, I had figured out the basics. It took a lot of concentration but I could hold each tumbler in place as I manipulated the others into position. However, my progress was slow. I think lockpicking tools are now high on my list of things to obtain; if only to have something to stick in the hole and hold each tumbler approximately in place.

With a satisfying *click* the box opened. Inside were several metal apples with blue bands on them. Hmm, to take or not to take? Inside my head two yellow ponies battled it out as they argued. One had a stylist cowl with a “devil may care” style of mane with the opposition being an exceedingly straight laced mare dressed up in some sort of official looking suit. It ended up with the roguish one tying up the more virtuous looking one. I took the metal apples. Who knows? They could prove useful.

*click*

Words appeared in my vision. Blue words. What was going on?

*Initializing inventory analysis spell matrix. Please stand by…*

I lifted my pipbuck to eye level and began looking it over “Pipbuck, is that you? That better be you”

*initialization complete. Pickbuck subroutine functioning*

Suddenly the words “EMP Grenades” were superimposed in my vision whenever I looked at the my newly acquired apple-like prizes. I looked around the rest of the room and saw the lock on the box I had just opened. Then the words “very easy” were plastered over my vision.

“what?! Oh come on! That took me like 15 minutes! You take that back pipbuck! I picked that without a pick! How is that for skill!”

As it turns out, the inventory analysis spell matrix did not include an AI with which to talk with. Which is probably a good thing if only because I would look crazy. Lesson learned.

“umm Recap”, a male voice said, “Who are you talking to?”

Apparently the lesson was learned too late. I turned around to see Lawful Virtue standing there in the dim nighttime lights of the stable.
“umm, that would be my pickbuck. It has started identifying things for me all of a sudden. It even started telling me how hard it would be to pick certain locks”

That got me a look. In retrospect, talking about picking locks when I had been left in the stable armory probably would make anypony ill at ease.

With a sigh of exasperation, Lawful Virtue turned his gaze to me and then towards the ceiling. “Recap, just. Please. Stop talking. If you keep doing so I am going to have to arrest you on principle.”

Hmm, I guess not everyone can appreciate my genius. Wait, think about that Recap. You have been awfully clumsy with your words today. Understandable considering all that has happened but perhaps he is right. You don’t exactly look like the upright intellectual you think of yourself as right now.

“Come Recap, time to go”

It took us about 15 minutes to navigate the various locked doors but eventually we got to the emergency fire exit of the security station. I never did understand why a metal stable needed fire exits but I am no engineer. Or is it architect. Whatever type of pony designs stable, I am not that!

I was broken out of my reverie by the creaking of a large metal door.

“ok Recap, this is as far as I go. I don’t think I will be able to get the message to your parents if I am seen with you. So go on. Get out of here. And Recap, break a hoof.”

I drummed up my most confident smile and posed heroically. He did not react. I was really hoping to get a third smile out of him. Part of me felt like I would get some prize to fall from the heavens if I could get him to maintain a smile for a whole minute.

And for just a moment my demeanor changed. I looked at Lawful Virtue with every bit of thankfulness I could muster. “Thanks Virtue. Really. You have done so much. Take care of security! I promise after tonight a lot of your problems will be gone! Or at least you will have different probably. Yeah, probably just different ones.”

Come on. Smile. Smile! You can do it!

He just stared at me, shook his head, and turned around.

“Better get going Recap. And do try to be quiet about it. Also, some advice for the road. If you are trying to sneak into somewhere, odds are that the front door in the middle of the afternoon is the worst place and time to do it.”

And with that the door closed.

*** *** ***

11:40 PM

Well, I had undergone 25 minutes of sneaking and I was finally closing in on the Stable entrance. Just took some slow treading, several casts of my One Way spell, a lot of standing still, and holding my breath. The last one was probably unnecessary but it made me feel better.
A few more hallways and I would be at the entrance with plenty of time to spare!

*CLANG*

“dang nabbit. I dern’t know what you want with’n these here turrets overstallion. We ne’er had to us ‘em before. Why start now? They knackered ta all hell. You realize we been cannibalizing these things to keep other systems running right? Orders from the previous overponies themselves”

That was Ratchet. One of the oldest bucks in the stables and also head of maintenance. Best repair-pony I have ever met. Just don’t ask for his help unless you want to have a conversation for the entirety of the job.

“I don’t care what it takes. I have information that somepony programmed the stable door to open and if that happens I want to be ready! Nopony is getting in and nopony is getting out. I will keep my stable safe.”

“all right, all right. Close your cakehole your overponyship. Just was askin’. Just want’n you knowing that we needin’ this stuff other places in the stable. So don’t blame me if’n you come back tomorrow and find nothing but a gutted shell”

“That is quite all right. It should open tonight and then close a few minutes later. Stable protocol. Now,” he cleared his throat, “members of security! Fan out, set up barricades and make sure nopony gets in the entryway. We must protect them from whatever comes in here.”

Well, I definitely didn’t consider this happening. I really should have guessed that the overpony was capable of accessing and understanding his own terminal. To say nothing of the lockout he would have come back to; that would have set off several red flags. It was practically screaming “someone messed with me!” Hmm, I need a plan. What to do.

“Gah, frakkin dermit!” I heard the sound of electricity and what I could only presume to be the sound that machines make when they start sparking wildly. The lights were flickering.

“Almost got it! Now everyone get’n ready. There will be some power fluctuations here’n when I connect these. Lights might go out for a little bit. Just be sit’n still and try not to do anythin’ stupid”

This was my chance. I braced myself. Ok, security barricade. Half finished. Still low on the right side. Security mare to the left. Where to hide? Room is too exposed. No cover. Hide in the corner with One Way spell? Feasible. Ok, wait. *flicker*. Wait.

The world plunged into darkness.

GO!

The sound of my galloping hooves echoed in the passage as I followed the route I had plotted. Well, to the best of my abilities.
A voice called out “stop right there! This place is off limits for the safety of the residents!”

I ignored his cries instead paying attention to the image I had in my mind of the room. The barricade should be about, here. I leapt into the air and… my hind leg clipped something and I heard an unsettling *CRACK*. As I landed I heard another sound of somepony falling to the floor. Oh dear. I hope she is ok. No, Recap. Now is not the time to worry, get to the corner.

I galloped forward. More shouting from the other security ponies. The overpony was yelling something to Ratchet. Weave left, box. Weave right and dodge the toolbox. And then hide in corner and *THUNG*

The room reverberated with the sound of my skull crashing into metal. *Flicker*. The lights returned. Dim but for a split second. My vision was swimming. Ugh, got to stand up. Get in the corner. Cast the spell. Get in the corner. Cast the spell.

I could see a faint orange glow. Come on.

“I see something over there”

I contorted my face into what I can only describe as my akin to most pony’s “I may be constipated” face. Come on. Come together spell. And with a bit of a bluish haze, the rectangle materialized in front of me.

*flicker*

*flicker*

*flicker*

And the lights came back on.

“Don’tcha be a worryin’ about that happenin’ agin Overstallion. The generators have compensated. These babies are hardened. Not even an EMP could knock these light out now”

With the lights on, the reality of my situation became much clearer. For one, oh my Cellestia! Ratchet was only about 10 feet away from me. To say nothing of a rather large turret suspended from the ceiling with several metal plates hanging off of it where Ratchet had been making his repairs.

And then I saw him. The overpony. “Ratchet, what about the turrets? Are you saying they are not hardened as well?”

“Ahh no overstallion. These’n be too exposed. You need much larger honkers to harden them against EMP. That’n these things virtually litter the stable. One little localized EMP might’n get you past one part but won’t help anypony none the rest of the way. They would only to be filled full’o lasers around the next corner. They recover right quick too. 15-30 seconds tops and they will be online again. Be a pain in the rump to repair the damage but yeah. Don’t you be worrryin’.”

The overpony sighed.

I looked at my pipbuck. 5 minutes. Ok 22, get ready. I’m nominating myself to be your first ambassador to the world!

*** *** ***

As it turns out, sitting in a corner with nothing to do except channel an illusory wall and stare at all the obstacles to your escape is a great way to realize how lacking your original plan was in regards to certain details. Details like the gun turrets that are online waiting to shoot anything that moves. I am unsure how they detect theirs targets and know no way of avoiding their fire besides sitting in this corner behind an illusory wall. For all I know they could shoot me the moment I make a break for the door.

4 minutes

Ok Recap. Ideas. Where is a shower when you need one? Unfortunately I think they would notice the mini raincloud and the bathing filly in the corner if I decided to switch to channeling that spell.

So the first problem is the turrets.

Hmm. Ratchet said the turrets weren’t hard or something like that enough to resist an EMP. My Pipbuck says I have 4 of those blue banded EMP grenades. I picked one up in my magic and held it as I looked around the room. One turret at each corner of the room. In order to accomplish that I would need to toss all grenades at their respective targets almost simultaneously. How would I do that?
And suddenly my vision was flooded with blue words. Again.

*----------request received. Initializing S.A.T.S. spell matrix------loading------*

I just blinked and rubbed my eye in vain hope of removing the flashing words “loading” over my right eye. Am I the only one that sees this? Will they see these floating words through the illusions? I didn’t think to test my spell with pipbuck manifested floating words. That’s not something one usually has to test for!

*--------User 22-F. Fairest Recap. Thank you for utilizing the Stable-Tec Arcane Targeting spell. Please enjoy this complimentary instruction video-------*

At this point a laboratory began to fill my vision as a yellow earth pony walked into my field of view. She wore a lab coat with a horrendously huge bow in her candy apple red mane.

“hi there, ah’m Apple Bloom of Stable-Tec and the primary engineer of the Stables you live in. If you are seeing this, you are one of them ponies put in ideology focused stables which means you probably wouldn’t know how to fire a gun if it came and shoved itself up in your mouth. Now ah’m not one to brag here but with this beauty you just activated is what we call S.A.T.S., because the real name is too dern long Scootaloo!, with this, you can be a crack shot for a day! Or, well. A few seconds. And a few seconds more in a minute or two.”

“Here’s how it works. The spell in S.A.T.S. speeds up your perception of reality so it seems to almost come to a pause. At this point, you can designate a target or several but you should know that the spell only has so much charge. The bigger the weapon, the more juice it takes to aim. After you picked your targets just press confirm and watch as the spell makes you more accurate than a wonderbolt doing maneuvers on a clear day. Also, for those bigger ponies out there, you should know that the more agile you are, the more actions you can perform during the spell. The limitations are just as much determined by you as the energy for the spell itself. We installed failsafes to prevent anypony from dislocating both their shoulders at the same time. Not that I am sayin’ that did happen but… it did. So no tweakin’ my work! Anywho, once you got your targets just think confirm or whatever means ‘fire’ to ya’s and watch the fireworks!”

----Stable-Tec is not responsible for any lawsuits, harm towards oneself or others that result from use of the S.A.T.S. technology. By utilizing this product you have waived all rights to not accepting responsibility for your actions or the misuse of this technology. Any efforts to claim otherwise will result in us burying you in court. Results of the spell may vary-----

And then for the first time in, minutes. My vision cleared.

Still surprised by the visual ambush I made a mistake: “huh, well that was unexpected”

At this point several heads turned my direction. Oh buck. And to make matters worse I heard the sound of metal on metal. The Stable Door was opening!

Several security ponies were moving in my direction.

Ok, grenades and S.A.T.S. to take out the turrets. And then… then…Come on Recap! You need a distraction! Something big! Something noisy! This is your last chance, you need… Wait, Big Macintosh’ Last Stand!

I entered SATS, selected the four turrets, and expended the spell. I marveled as I saw each grenade tossed by magic with an expert aim I did not realize possible. Each one landing only a second or two after the other, And then sparks. Sparks everywhere.

The security ponies lifted their guns towards my corner from which the grenades had come. I dropped my illusion and with my best horrified look of abject fear, an expression easy to mimic considering the circumstances, I yelled “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!”

Now, only one of the three looked but that was enough. My horn glowed as the now open stable entryway suddenly echoed with the battle cry of Zebra assassins running in, screaming for the death of Equestria and all pony-kind. To their credit, the security ponies immediately redirected their attention to the intruders. Unfortunately, this was largely expressed in the showing all the terror of a foal who had just seen the boogy stallion only to then be awed by the sight of an absolutely huge red earth pony bellow out “Nope” as he pointed his gun at the charging Zebras. More ponies and Zebras seemed to spill out from the walls. The terrified screams of security ponies mixed with the angry incoherent yells of the Overpony. I looked into the throng, and ran. A zebra charged forward its blade swinging and stabbed through my neck with ease as I felt it pass through skin, sinew, and bone.

I stopped for a second and shivered. No matter how many times it happens. The feeling of an illusion passing through me will always creep me out. You got to understand, illusions don’t just pass through you without you feeling a thing. Your body reacts and expects something to happen. So it simulates something akin to it for you. It is like pale ghost of the original feeling. It is like a touch that is there but also not quite there. Yes, this was an illusion. My illusion. Well, the museum’s illusion. As it turns out, having to repeatedly cast the illusion spells for the exhibits due to a notably faulty spell matrix in the “Big Macintosh’s Last Stand” exhibit has its benefits.

I looked back. There was the overpony trying to rally the security. Heh. Someone paid attention to history class it seems and knew what was going on. I saw him moving his mouth but over the din all I could make out was… oh. Oh my. Umm, let’s just say communication broke down for a second there.

I gave him my best winning smile, pointed my hoof to the intercom and turned and ran into the dark of the tunnel. I set my Pipbuck to the Stable Broadcast on as I ran only to be greeted by my voice.

“Hello Stable 22! You might all know me by now after yesterday’s incident. And if you don’t then let me catch you up to speed. Yes, I plagiarized. I am sorry. I panicked, was out of time, and was sure I signed up for one of the smaller less important contests rather than the big annual one. I wanted to tell you all, I am truly sorry. That was wrong. However! I am going to make it right! For the first time in 200 years good ol’ Stable 22 is going to have a representative on the surface. Now I am not sure if I am going to find a race of hyper-intelligent super ponies or just a lot of radioactive dirt but I do know this. I am going out there to find a hero my fellow stable-dwellers. I am going to find one, point him in the direction of greatness, and then come back to you with the greatest story this stable has ever heard or read! This is my promise. Stay strong 22, I will be back for you.”

There was the door into the outside! I could imagine it now. Just a quick turn of the knob and… light. Real light from the sky.

*** *** ***

Recap’s Parent’s Flat

“Oh honey, have you got the pie yet? You will never hear the end of it from Recap if we don’t bribe her. You remember how long it took her to stop ranting at you. in Haiku no less, after you had the brilliant idea to present your dissertation as the surprise show for her thirteen year old birthday. And now we get to deal with her for Luna knows how long. Without the distractions of her work she will be simply intolerable! That’s why we stopped grounding her in the first place. Was more our punishment than hers!”

And there she came around the corner. The only pony in the world who could look so beautiful with a look such as this. “You remember when we first met?”, I said to here, “I was sure you were planted in my audience as somepony meant to discourage me. And then you started clapping your hooves. With that same infuriating expression. I didn’t even realize there was such a thing as a monotone expression before you”

She just looked at me. Ah, that look. The beauty of being married to somepony whose expression never changes is ever time you look at her you see the same look she had on the day of your wedding.

She spoke in that beautiful monotone voice “Art, you are rambling. Again.”

“hah! You know as well as I there are many reasons I hire editors my dear! That and I never was any good at speeches. Much more of a writer than a speaker. The drama club never did forgive me for monologuing through their entire production.”

She put a hoof to my mouth, “you are getting distracted. Recap has never demonstrated being able to be gone from home beyond 24 hours before she needed time to contemplate her day. Also, her work station does not have a shower”

I grinned at her “oh but of course my beautiful mare. Thank you for reminding me. But you have to admit that interludes are interesting. Great for building tension don’t you think my lemony memory?”

She just stared at me and said simply: “yes.”

*knock*
*knock*
*knock*

My wife looked at me with worry in her eyes; not that her expression changed, mind you. A husband just knows these things after years of practice and getting it wrong. Lots of getting it wrong.

“Art. That is not Recap’s knock”

My eyes grew wide. We were not expecting anyone else. I had specifically spread the word amongst my colleagues that I was taking the night off. Who else could be at the door! Truly a great mystery!

My wife hit me in my shoulder. “ow! Honey, what was that for?”

“You were ruminating over something again that does not require it. We can just open the door to find out who is there.”

“oh… quite right.”

The door swung open as I called “come on in. We are helpless and unarmed!”

A security pony came in. Oh what was his name? Legal good or something like that? Something ridiculous. Wait, Security Pony?!

“oh dear, what has Recap done now? Did she really get in trouble already? I was really hoping she wouldn’t be able to beat the last record she set. Please sir, give us the whole sordid tale. Regale us with your words”

The grey pony just looked at me. “Mr Liberty. Your daughter is not in trouble. Not with me anyway. I do not know what she was planning. I did not want to know. However, she gave me this to deliver to you both. He held out a recording module. Puzzled, I took it and plugged it in as the security pony let himself out with a “good night sir. Good night ma’am”.

“Hey Mom and Dad. So you are probably wondering why Lawful Virtue is at your door in the middle of the night with a pipbuck recording of all things.”

“Oh so that is his name. Very good. Hmm, yes.” Recall shushed me.

“Well, stuff is happening. I discovered that aunt Review and the overpony have been plotting a takeover of the stable. They were going to use my humiliation today as the first step towards discrediting you both.”

That’s my daughter. Discovering intrigue and shaking up the stable.

“They (sobs), they were going to kill me tonight. Make it look like a suicide. Apparently a suicide note has already been planted in my room.”
Speechless. I exchanged a look with Recall. They wanted to kill our baby girl! My baby girl…

“They hoped to use that to make you both incapable of working due to grief. They also hoped that you two being known as the parents who birthed the Stable’s largest failure and social pariah it has ever seen would prevent you from being too influential. I am so sorry Mom. Dad. I am so sorry (muffled crying). I am going to make it better. I am going to make up for my mistake. Tonight I leave the stable.”

No… no! This cannot be happening. “Recap no!” I yelled. Recall wrapped her hoof around me in an embrace; her ever stoic presence a comfort.

“That book I read? Yes, the same one I claimed as my own? It is based on true events. I am going to go out into Equestria, find a hero to go there. I will come back with the greatest story this stable has ever seen! I promise!”

“Recall… our little Recap. She is gone. For a story! Why did she have to take after me! If she took after you she would have never have done this. I shouldn’t have encouraged her. I should have taught her to think things through more. I…”

Recall put her hoof to my lips. “Art, our little filly is grown up. You are correct. This is a stupid decision. She has does not even have an inkling of what she is getting into. As one great pony once said, ‘Sometimes the greatest moments of our life are birthed from the worst paths we take.’”

Through some tears I couldn’t help laughing a little “it really is no fair quoting me in times like this. She could be hurt out there.”
Recall looked at me. That same beautiful look.

“Yes. Yes she could. Or she will live, succeed, and thrive like we did. Everyone expected greatness of her Art. They merely looked in the wrong places. They were disappointed when Recap’s greatness didn’t manifest as they expected. But our little girl has what it takes to do great things. You know it. I know it. The Stable just gave up looking for it.”

And suddenly the recording came back to life. We heard some crackling. Being familiar with technology I fixed the problem by smacking the malfunctioning technology with my hoof. And then a voice leapt forth.

I will be back! And you will be so proud.
From (more sobs) your little Synonym Bun.
The recording ended.
Our tears mingled that night. Many of sadness. Some of hope.
The pie was not cut that night. Nor would it be until our daughter returned to us.

Footnote: Level up! You have reached level 2

New perk acquired: Illusion Expert Rank 1-You may not have many illusions and you might have limited control over them but the few you know are pretty convincing. Distracted enemies or enemies unaware of your presence will tend to believe your illusions are real until proven otherwise. Also, you may know 2 pre-recorded illusions. The use of mass illusions that are not pre-recorded will lose quality proportional to the quanity and complexity of the illusion.

Slot 1: Big Macintosh’s Last Stand

Author's Note

Credits:
The quote at the top of the chapter is from Skybolt’s song 99 Problems that was created for Fallout Equestria- Project Horizon. Link is below! Warning though, SPOILERS! Well, for chapter one of Project Horizons. If you have read beyond there you are fine.