Equestrian Excellent Anti-emasculation Sovereign Society

by Meinos Kaen

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Adventure
Length: 6478

What happens when Equestria needs six stallions and Luna becomes genre savy? EEASS, that's what.

“Congratulations! If you're reading this book, it means that you've been tasked with EEASS's main project: finding and putting together a team of six stallions and bring them to the spotlight for the salvation of male ponies' virility everywhere! If you haven't been tasked with the mission, please close this volume right now, and return it to our offices in Canterlot. Failure to comply will be met with extreme prejudice and harsh words.

Now, let's get started! First thing, why is it called a Five Stallions Band if you're going to need six members? In the first chapter of the book...”

What happens when Equestria needs six stallions and Luna becomes genre savy? EEASS, that's what.

Published 2012-05-26 08:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-31 12:51:54 UTC

Prologue - I'LL SHOW YOU ADORABLE!

Prologue

“I... I shall...”

“No. Will. Try again.” Celestia chided her student, smiling amiably as the mare sighed. They had been at this for quite a while, but the princess was anything if patient. With the amount of wacky hijincks happening in Equestria on a weekly basis, she had to be. Otherwise, she would have gone bollocks years before. Nightmare Moon would have looked like a foal throwing a tantrum in comparison.

That week, though, the problem had been in the minor leagues. Just a small outbreak of the balding plague. It just took a small trip and a regal donation of a number of wigs. Thus, she was left with some free time, which she decided to invest in her latest student.

“I... I...” The younger mare's horn sparkled as she focused, the task requiring all her efforts. She swallowed. “I will gladly tell you how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!” She blurted out, blushing profusely, not daring to look at anything but the floor. Then, she heard the hint of a chortle. At that moment, she knew. “CELESTIA!” The sun princess' reply at her younger sister's outrage was to roll on her back and guwaff. The once Nightmare Moon seethed. “Why did you make us utter such... Such nonsense?!”

“Oh, my flanks...” Entertainment and education. Luna broke down her old speaking habits and Celestia got a barrel of laughs out of it. “My, Luna. It's easily explained. First, it's a complicated enough conundrum to make it suitable to train your lilt at such speeds.” The moon princess calmed down, seeing the wisdom in her older sibling's words. The grin, on the other hand... “Second, because I knew you'd look adorably silly saying it!”

“I'LL SHOW YOU ADORABLE, YOU-”

“Huu, sorry to disturb your majesties...” The incoming sisterly scuffle was cut short by the timid voice of a young mare, who couldn't decide if to be amused or disturbed at the scene: Luna frozen in mid-air mid-pounce and Celestia on her back with her hooves kicking upwards, now both staring at her with the hint of a flush on their muzzles. “But there's... I mean, two gentlecolts are... Requesting an audience.”

“... Send them in in two minutes?” Celestia said with a smile.

“Yes. That would be advisable.” The young mare 'Eeep'-ed when she realized what words had left her mouth, and zipped out of the throne room, leaving a small pony-shaped cloud of dust in her place.

“... Tell me, Celestia. What is this feeling called?” The moon princess landed, the red of her cheeks a bright contrast to her dark body.

“Awkwardness, sister.” Celestia straightened herself and trotted to her throne, Luna right behind her, taking her place at her left side on a simple cushion. Her older sister had offered to build her another throne to sit on, but she had vehemently opposed any such modifications to the throne room. The sun princess cleared her throat. “You may enter!”

The massive doors on the other end of the room opened with a loud noise, enough to let two unicorn stallions through. The taller wore a monocle and carried himself with pride, and elegance. The younger one who followed him was... Peculiar. A pale, sickly so, coloured body, decorated by acid green eyes and navy long hair, pulled back. His long flowing black robe obscured most of his body, including his cutie mark. His pupils seemed to like shifting from side to side, restless as a young foal finding himself for the first time in a new environment. And then there was the bow, which looked more like a jerking motion, his tall, slim horn barely avoiding touching the ground. Fancypants' was slow, deep, practised. “Your majesties. I hope we did not interrupt anything.”

“Nothing important, mister Fancypants. Please raise.” The regent amicably answered, settling her eyes on the unknown unicorn. “I do not believe I have had the pleasure of meeting your friend in the past.”

“That would be because my younger brother has been travelling for the last decade or so, your majesty.” Fancypants stepped to the side, letting his brother position himself right in front of princess Celestia's throne. “Please, let me introduce my youngest sibling, GhostlyWhite.” The unicorn 'bowed' once more, his eyes finally settling on Celestia. A lesser pony may have been disturbed by his gaze, or the way his front hooves seemed to rub on each other. “He came back to Canterlot three months ago, and politely asked for me to arrange an audience with her majesties. He says he has matters of social importance to discuss.”

“Ah. A philequinist. How delightful.” The princess nodded. It was always a welcome novelty for someone to take interest in his fellow ponies.

“Majesties.” The voice was like sharp objects on a blackboard. “I came here to expose a plight on the whole of Equestria's populace that has escaped your all-seeing eyes.” And that sounded ominous. Celestia listened unabashed, Luna's eyes slightly narrowed. What kind of plight could have he noticed that Celestia didn't? “I don't mean disrespect. I only managed to identify the matter upon my return, acquiring knowledge in the far reaches of the world, quenching my thirst from different cultures.”

'Did he just read our mind?' Luna asked herself, surprised.

“Very well. What is this plight you speak of?” Celestia nodded gracefully.

“It an inevitable, crushing, terrible spiral...” GhostlyWhite said, his voice gradually lowering along with his head. The other three occupants of the room instinctively followed it down, only for the strange pony to jerk it straight up, his eyes wide and his voice loud. “All of Equestria's stallions are being gelded!”

Celestia's eyes went wide. Luna stood up in shock. Fancypants lost his footing. “Ah... Huh... Ehm...” A bright flush on her face, the sun princess found herself for the first time in centuries at a loss for words. “I'm... Sorry?”

“W-White, what-”

“Hmm... Do excuse my taste for theatrical. Why, it is a figurative gelding I'm speaking of.” Those words calmed Celestia down enough to bring her face back to a neutral state. As GhostlyWhite paused, the only sound in the room were twin sighs of relief. Coming from Fancypants. And Luna. Luna? “I'm not talking about surgery, but the general loss of pride and virility Equestria's male population seems to be experiencing. It is what prompted me to found the EEASS upon my return.”

“... Ass-what?”

“Luna!” Celestia admonished her sister with a harsh whisper before regarding her guests with a forced smile. “I mean, is that an acronym?”

“It is the Equestrian Excellent Anti-emasculation Sovereign Society.” Fancypants facehoofed, while the two princesses could only stare. “We've studied this problem and found its source.”

“Something in Equestria is causing its stallions to lose their masculinity?” GhostlyWhite nodded in answer to Luna's question. Her eyes widened and she stood. “WE DEMAND YOU TO RELINQUISH KNOWLEDGE OF THIS THREAT UNTO US! NOW!”

“LUNA!” Celestia actually raised her voice this time.

“Well, it's quite simple once you dwell on it enough, your majesties. It's actually the lack of something, more than the presence of a poisonous element” GhostlyWhite's hooves rubbed each other again as he shifted his gaze quickly from princess to princess. “Please, allow this question of me, princesses. Who are Equestria's heroes?”

“Hmm... Well, there's the three secretaries from the history of the founding of Equestria... Twilight and her friends...” Celestia chuckled. “Me and my sister, of course.” Luna actually mellowed at that. She knew that it would be a long time before Equestria saw her as something of that magnitude again, but she was thankful at least Celestia hadn't lost faith in her. “Should I stop?”

“That's quite enough, your majesty. Now, did you or did you not notice a pattern?” GhostlyWhite asked, starting to trot left and right in front of the throne. “All of the ponies you've described are mares.”

“... Oh.” Now she got it.

“I'm not accusing you of anything, majesty. That's just how things happened, but it's undeniable that the stallions of Equestria have no role model, no ideal to aspire to. All they have is mare heroines, which although epitome of braveness...” The pale colt shook his head. “The stallions of Equestria need heroes. Stallions whose tales they can recount, constructs at which great heights they can aspire to reach, to drive them to be better and, most importantly, males.” Hooves clopped. Celestia stared in disbelief at Luna. “That is why I come today with a request of your majesties.”

“A... Request?” Celestia distracted herself from Luna's random moods, focusing back on the source of them.

“Right now, the epitome of ponykind are the six mares bearing the Elements of Harmony.” GhostlyWhite continued. The sun princess couldn't really argue with that. “And so, I believe that we need to bring this situation to equality.” He paused, for dramatic effect. “That's why, I ask of you, majesties, to select and sponsor a team of six stallions, the best of Equestria, and make them your personal guard, special response team, or any other fancy, heroic sounding title.”

“... That's... A most unusual request.” Celestia shook her head. This strangeness had been going on long enough. True, maybe some stallions may feel emasculated by the divide in power and number of important positions and sheer talent possessed by their significant others and mares in general, and recent studies had revealed that 75% of couples had the mare as the leading partner in the sack, but... Celestia cursed. “Well... It's reasonable, but I can't really take-”

“I'll do it!” Celestia's found her jaw going slack once again as Luna cut her off and physically put herself between her and GhostlyWhite. “On my honour as a princess, I swear I won't rest till I find these six stallions and make them shine as beacon of hopes for all equestrian males!”

“Your words fill me with hope and happiness, princess Luna.” GhostlyWhite bowed and then his horn flashed with navy light, bringing out a heavy book from under his robe, levitating it to the night princess. “And as such, I leave to you this volume. It is filled with knowledge I've gathered around the world, which will help you on your quest.”

“Thanks, GhostlyWhite. Your princess honours you and thanks you for your concern.” The two stallions bowed and then headed out of the room, the order reversed from the entrance. Fancypants still had to wrap his head around what had just transpired. As soon as the doors closed...

“Luna, what IN EQUESTRIA WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?!”

“Why, sister. I thought you would be happy with me finally having a regal duty to undertake.” The younger alicorn was already reading the book handed to her by GhostlyWhite. “Also, such an important duty. I couldn't very well leave such a matter unattended.”

“Luna, I mean...” The sun princess exhaled deeply. “Just... Since when did you take to heart the problems of your people that much?”

“Since I discovered that stallions could lose the right to call themselves such before I had a chance to get laid.” Celestia's royal rump and then back impacted the ground. She then proceeded to roll on her side, staring at nothing.

“... Luna, you're nothing but a horny little minx, aren't you?”

Chapter 1 - Red is Goooooood

Chapter 1 – Red is Good

Congratulations! If you're reading this book, it means that you've been tasked with EEASS's main project: finding and putting together a team of six stallions and bring them to the spotlight for the salvation of male ponies' virility everywhere! If you haven't been tasked with the mission, please close this volume right now, and return it to our offices in Canterlot. Failure to comply will be met with extreme prejudice and harsh words.

Now, let's get started! First thing, why is it called a Five Stallions Band if you're going to need six members? In the first chapter of the book...

“...na! Princess Luna!” The alicorn raised her head from the big volume, turning to the side. “I asked if you'd like some tea.”

“Oh. Yes, that would be delightful, Twilight.” The purple unicorn smiled and gracefully poured tea for the princess with her magic, settling a hot steaming cup of earl grey right beside the book. “Thanks.”

“You're welcome.” Inevitably, Twilight's eyes were drawn to the volume Luna had been engrossed into. “I must say, I was quite surprised when you visited to ask permission to read a book... Which you brought.”

“In Canterlot there are simply too many distractions. And it is of the utmost importance that I commit myself fully to the study of this tome.” After a sip of tea, Luna continued, in a conspiring whisper. “I can't tell you much right now, but it is a secret mission... For the future of Equestria!”

The purple unicorn gasped. “That important?”

“Oh, yes. I can assure you that if Equestria's future generations depend on the success of this plan.” Twilight swallowed. That sounded important. “And my snu-snu.” Luna added that last part as a whisper, but Celestia's prized pupil still caught it.

“I'm sorry?” Luna sighed, shaking her head.

“It's a story for another time, Twilight. Now, let me get back to my studies. I may have need of you later, though.” The explanation seemed to suffice, as Twilight collected the tray and left. The princess returned to her reading.

The Hero

The first member of your team! The founder, the leader, the dashing Hero, the shining star that holds the band together! An Ideal Hero, he fights with honor, fights with appropriate force on the battlefield and despairs having to shed blood. Although, in recent years this figure had become too standardized, and as such has been enriched with various flavours (see Anti-Hero). The basics are, though, mostly unchanged: he's pure charisma.

Luna felt something stir inside her as she read that description, a shiver running up her spine and settling pleasurably at the base of her neck as she thought of her meeting with such an individual.

“I can't... And yet I must... I did...” Luna felt her immortal heart break as she observed the plight of the noble soul standing in front of her. “For it's the right thing to do... For justice! And yet, my heart breaks at the thought! For the safety of Equestria, I will have to kill my father! And my brother, who also incidentally happens to be my little dog!”

“Oh, Hero! I can't bear seeing you like this!” With an exaggerated pirouette, the princess threw herself in the direction of the Hero, who swiftly caught her before she could fell down the ravine they were standing on. “Please, make use of your princess and ravish my body, if it shall bring you comfort! I will endure the throes of your hot passion under this thundering sky!”

“Oh, sweet princess...” He caressed her muzzle with a hoof and started to lean in. “Your nobility shall be remembered...”

“...na! Princess Luna!”

“Hmmm, take me, He-Huh?” Again, Twilight was standing in front of her, this time looking really alarmed. “W-What is it, Twilight?”

“Are you okay?! You suddenly zoned out! And your face... I feared a stroke!” Luna blinked, and then noticed that her face was still frozen in a wide grin, and droll slobbered down the right side of her jaw. She cleaned herself up in a hurry.

“S-Sorry. I guess I must be a bit tired. Do not worry, I am fine.” Twilight didn't look that convinced but slowly made her way back to her own desk nonetheless. 'That was close... Damn, I so need to get laid!' “Focus on the mission, Luna. Focus on the mission. First step, locating this Hero.”

Luna returned to the book. And was growing quite restless, since if the chapter gave many descriptions of qualities, variations and characteristics of the Hero, it didn't give her much insight about how to locate such a male specimen. Quickly. “Come on, come on... Oh?” She then chanced upon a small appendix at the end of a page.

Color coded for your convenience

The Hero is the one role of the band whose colour never ever changes. Save for rare occasions, he always wears Red.

“... Red! Twilight!” The small unicorn trotted to the princess once again, becoming quite fatigued by her continue runs. “Twilight, do you know of any gentlecolts who make a habit of wearing red clothes?”

“Eh? N-No.” Luna's look turned to dejected from hopeful, and Twilight did her best to turn her mindgears and come out with a satisfying answer. Something clicked. “Well, no pony I know of wears red, but... Would it be okay if the pony himself was red?”

-I-

It was a practised move. By now, he had done it so many times that his body had memorized it. He didn't need even think about it any more. It helped that by now he knew every nook and cranny of the sturdy trees. The cart placed strategically, he then turned around. Throwing his weight forward and pulling to him his back legs, he found himself standing on his front ones for an instant, the muscles in his rump and stifles bulging as they build up a calculated amount of power. Then, he let it go, his hooves impacting the tree, which started to vibrate wildly from the force of the blow and let go his precious crimson fruits. “Another good haul, brother!”

As he settled back on all hooves, letting out a small breath as the layer of perspiration shone in the bright morning sun, he admired his handiwork and commented it with the appropriate wording to agree with his baby sister. A single word, that contained all that needed to be said. “Eeyup.”

“That's Big Macintosh. He's the older brother of my friend Applejack. As you can see, his coat is completely-Princess, are you listening to me?”

“Yeeeeeeessssss?” This time, the salivation was under control. As in, it happened on the side of her face which Twilight couldn't see.

“... Oookay. So, would you like me to introduce you?” That broke her out of her reverie. She vehemently shook her head.

“No, that would not be advisable. My mission must be carried on with discretion. I think it would be better if I met him at some... Social gathering, of sorts. Yes.” She nodded. Twilight put a hoof to her chin and then nodded to herself.

“Well, tomorrow evening there's going to be a small party to celebrate the end of Apple Bucking season. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I brought a friend, princess. Although...” She chuckled, and Luna raised a delicate eyebrow. “I think it will be quite hard to carry yourself with discretion.”

“Hmmm, true. I'm still the princess, after all. My visage is known far and wide. And I would like to avoid a repeat of the first time I visited Ponyville.” She sighed, thinking of a solution. She suddenly clopped the ground. “How about this?”

“About wh-Wah!” Twilight averted and closed her eyes as a bright flash of blue light sparked from the princess' body, and her hair suddenly stood on end as electricity filled the air. When the light receded, she opened her eyes again. “Oh.”

Standing in front of her was a pony who, while still bearing the princess's natural colours, lacked her regal barding and horn. Her features were softer, giving her a younger, less imposing look, and her cutie mark now lacked the nightly background and the moon lacked more volume. All in all, princess Luna looked like an extremely pretty pegasus of Applejack's size. “Will this do?” Even her voice was different: softer, less authoritative.

“Yes. I'll just introduce you as a friend from Canterlot.” Twilight nodded, and Luna smiled in satisfaction.

“Good. So, tomorrow I shall meet this red stallion.” 'Pleasure before business, Luna. Remember, pleasure before business.' Somehow, she didn't find it in her to correct herself.

-I-

“Come on, guys! It's a par-TAY!”

“Yeah, Pinkie. We know.” Rarity chuckled as she used her magic to protect her mane from the shower of confetti from Pinkie's patented party cannon. “Rowdy girl, but you can't help but love her. Right, Big Macintosh?”

“Eeyup.” The red stallion replied with a small smile as he grabbed onto an apple with his muzzle. Then, he threw his head up and the apple went flying. As it fell, he swiftly caught it with his mouth, even starting to chew mid-catch.

“My, Big Mac! You're so skilled!” Rarity said with a smile. The stallion resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Nnope.” Saying that, he turned tail and left the food corner before Rarity could throw in some kind of comment about trying to impress mares or being the party's life. Also, that was Pinkie's job. That hadn't been his intention, anyway. He just liked doing it.

“No, really. I never piqued you for being so nimble.” He was honestly surprised. He hadn't even heard her following her until she spoke from his left. “Also, that kind of thing takes practice, right?”

“Eyup.” He said, nodding.

“Heh. Who'd have thought.” Rarity said with a giggle. Big Mac held back a sigh, and a comment about how that was exactly the problem: the lack of thinking, or better, the lack of interest. “Do you possess any other secret skills, Big Mac?”

“Nnope.” He replied, but from the light in Rarity's eyes he understood that it was one of those evenings.

“Good evening, everypony!” He was saved by the arrival of a latecomer. He was grateful. He had a reason for making himself scarce as Rarity turned in the direction of the barn's entrance, where Twilight Sparkle stood along with an unknown pegasus filly. He had never seen her in Ponyville, that was for sure.

“Finally, sugarcube! We've been waitin' for y'all!” His sister was the host and as such, she was the first to meet the unicorn at the door. “Brought a guest?”

“Yes. Everyone, please meet Nocturnia. She's an old friend from Canterlot.” The pegasus' wings fluttered as she curtsied to the gathered guests.

“Pleased to meet you. Twilight told me lot of things about you all.” As she raised her head again, their gazes met. She smiled and nodded in his direction. Never one to be unpolite -Granny raised a gentlecolt- he nodded back. Satisfied, she returned to chatting with the other mares. He returned his attention to the food now that Rarity had something else to entertain herself with.

Half an hour later, he found himself next to the newcomer near the apple punch, seemingly having had the same idea. “Oh. Please, go ahead.” The pegasus took a graceful step back and allowed him first access to the beverage. That surprised him. For fair trade, he collected two plastic cups and filled both with punch, then nudged one towards the pegasus, who collected it with a smile. “Why, thank you, mister...?”

“Big Mac.” He replied, slowly downing the serving of punch, before discarding the cup in a nearby crate turned trash bin. “Only fair.”

“Hmm. A favour for a favour, right?” He nodded, and he found himself smiling a little. Rarely someone got it so quickly. “So... I happened to notice that you haven't been socializing much. May I ask why?” That was a first, too. To his memory, it was the first time someone out of his family asked 'why', when they noticed his lack of interest. Maybe it was a Canterlot thing?

“Eeyup.” He nodded and then stretched his neck in the direction of the barn's back door. He wasn't averse to talking, but he preferred to do it in private. The mare nodded.

“Please, lead the way.” As the two walked to the back door, they were followed by a few set of eyes.

“My word, Twilight. Your friend sure works fast. And Big Mac is sure more... Receptive than before. Maybe he has a preference for pegasi?” Rarity commented, only to earn a snort from Applejack.

“Ya don't know mah brother. He ain't kind of colt.” The blonde mare commented, only to earn a haughty laugh from the stylist.

“Nonsense, my dear. All colts are that kind of colt. You just say otherwise because he's your brother.” Applejack sighed.

“Maybe, but I reckon I've never seen him bring a mare home. If he is, he's good at hidin' it.” The blonde mare continued.

“Well, there's always a first time. Only, this time, he's bringing a pegasus out of the barn.” Rarity chuckled and Applejack found herself joining in. Twilight did as well, but for another reason. As if princess Luna was such a slave to her base desires.

-I-

“I must say, your farm is quite... Magical, under the moonlight.” 'Nocturnia' commented as she walked by Big Macintosh's side on a path through the orchard. She really meant what she said, even if she may be a little biased since the night and the moon were her element. She chuckled as she turned in the direction of her silent companion. “Almost romantic. Does this walk have a... Second reason?”

“Nnope.” He answered truthfully. The pegasus chuckled.

“I didn't think so.” She continued, taking a few steps so that she was walking in front of him. She stopped and looked back at him over her flank. “But you do realize that's what everyone's thinking by now? Even though I'm the one who talked to you first?”

“Eeyup. Let 'em.” He replied, not stopping and joining her by her side. “That's the reason Ah don't... Socialize much.”

“Interesting. Please continue.” She replied, falling into step again, hoping he didn't notice her subtle glance at his flanks.

“Most ponies don't think much or they think through... Convenshuns. Just like most of the people in the barn, who are now convinced that Ah brought y'all out here to plow you like a field.” He smiled as the pegasus chuckled at his choice of words. “On account of they reckon that's the whole range of interactions a colt can have with a mare, or that it's what he's aimin' at all the time.”

“Hmmm.” Nocturnia let out a thoughtful sound. Seemed like she had hit the jackpot. The book was right: Red was the way to go. “Or like they think that colts are at fault all the time a couple has relationship?”

“Eeyup. I've heard of some ludicrous things. Like, 'Oh, she cheated on him? Why, it must be because he's been neglectin' her or cheated first'. The worst thing is that even iff'n a stallion stands up for himself to deny such claims, he finds himself without many supporters, even among other stallions.” The red stallion concluded the sentence with an incredulous snort. “Ah prefer to avoid that kind of drama. In a small town like Ponyville, everyone knows everyone. So, Ah don't play the game at all.”

“Wise... But, if I'm not too indiscreet...” She suppressed a smirk, trying to appear somewhat demure. “How do you take care of your... Urges?”

“Hmm...” He regarded her with an evaluating stare, as he decided whether to trust her with that piece of information or not. “Well, Ah have a... Beneficial relationship with somepony in town. We take care of each other.”

Luna immediately went through the list of all the mares in town. Nocturnia chuckled. “I understand. Then, can I ask you something else?” He nodded. “Why did you decide to have this discussion with me?”

“Hmm, because you asked.” That threw her for a loop.

“... No one has ever asked you why you prefer... Well, silence?” He shook his head, and the princess found herself shaking it too, in disbelief. “My word, the situation is worse than I thought.”

“Situation, miss?” He stopped in his tracks, curious about the strange wording. She trotted on, stopping a few paces in front of him. “What situation?”

“The one you so eloquently described, Big Macintosh.” That made him raise an eyebrow. He hadn't introduced himself with his full name. “Please, do not be alarmed. I'm not anyone suspicious, but I had to talk to you privately. For a matter of discretion.”

“Discretion?” He parroted, not really wrapping his tail around the whole matter. “Miss, who are you?” Nocturnia chuckled. And suddenly, the air behind her warped as her eyes shone white. The warped air suddenly turned into a translucent image of princess Luna. Big Mac's eyes widened and he immediately curtsied. “Yer majesty.”

“Please rise, Big Mac. You have earned the right to look at me in the eyes.” Nocturnia and Luna's projection said in stereo. Big Mac slowly raised again. He was now unsure of who to stare at as they talked. He settled on Luna's image. “My brave stallion, your princess has been looking for someone of your stature help her on a grave quest.” She paused. “I mean, moral stature. Not physical. Not that you're not big. You are big. The biggest stallion I've ever seen. Not quite as big as me, but big enough to... Hmmm...” Big Mac could only stare in confusion as Luna and Nocturnia both acquired a glassed over gaze and strange grin. They recovered after a few seconds. “Sorry about that. As I was saying, your princess needs your help on a quest of the utmost importance.”

“A quest, princess?” A twin nod answered his question.

“Your princess is gathering the bravest stallions from all Equestria to form a team, who will shone like a beacon of hope for all their peers.” Big Mac kept on staring, more confused than before. “Tell me, my red stallion. Don't you wish an end to those awful conjectures? Those silly preconceptions?”

“... Ah do, but... Ah mean, what do you want me to do?”

“For now, I want you to follow your princess. Help her find the remaining members of your team.” The Hero was the catalyst to gather the others, if they didn't already start as a team. He 'hmm'ed in thought at that. “I assure you that I will find someone to help with your farm in your absence, if that's what ails you. And I also know how to explain your absence to your family.”

“Hmm... In that case, gimme until tomorrow to prepare, yer majesty. Big Macintosh will follow yer lead.” He curtsied and the two dark coloured mares nodded, acknowledging his pledge.

“Good, my brave stallion.” They said, before Luna's image disappeared, leaving again, only Nocturnia. With a wry grin. “And now, for intercourse.”

Big Mac's head shot up again at that. “... Intercourse, your majesty?”

“This mission is supposed to be a secret, Big Mac. If we come back not looking like you bucked me like your whole apple orchard, they may get suspicious as to what exactly we have been talking about.” She continued, a façade of calm containing a great amount of giddiness. Big Mac's already red body turned a nice shade of crimson around his cheeks.

“Y-Yer majesty, I'd never... I couldn't-!”

“Big Mac, it's for the sake of the mission.” She raised a hoof and placed her on her heart. “What princess would I be, if I wasn't disposed to sacrifice at least my virtue?”

“Still...”

“Also, don't you want equality, Big Macintosh? Then please, let me be your equal.” He interrupted his musing. The small pegasus in front of him was regarding him with a determined look and a warm smile. “Please, let me devote myself to this mission as much as you will, my brave pony.”

He stared a bit more. Then sighed. “You're right, yer majesty. It is only fair. And Ah thank you fer remindin' me of that.” She swallowed, but kept her composure. Then, that gaze. “Ah will not hold back, then.” She had to use magic to suppress the squeal. And then everything else.

-I-

“What's taking her so long?”

“Twilight? What's wrong?” The purple unicorn sighed, shaking her head at Rarity's question.

“Nothing, it's just... We're wrapping up the party, but the p-I mean, Nocturnia and Big Mac still aren't back from their walk.” She observed, since they had arrived at 9:30, they had disappeared at 10 and was now 4 AM. The fancy pony chuckled behind a raised hoof.

“Well, maybe the tripped and stumbled into each other... And took their sweet time getting up, if you know what I mean.” Twilight blushed crimson at the images. She shook her head.

“N-Nonsense! Pr-I mean, Nocturnia wouldn't...” That's when the barn door opened with a creak. And good thing that only Twilight, Applejack and Rarity were left -Pinkie had passed out after the thirtiest vodka cupcake-.

“Hiiiiiii, Twiliiiiiight...” A giggling Nocturnia swayed back into the barn, her hair a mess, her body coated in sweat, dust and the random dry leaf. She giggled some more as she bumped into Twilight. She had problems staying upright, it seemed. “I just looooove this foooorm...”

“P-P-P-Nocturnia?! What happened to you?! Did you get assaulted?!” The other two occupants of the room burst out in spontaneous laughter, Rarity going as far as rolling on the floor. She stared. Then she got it. She blushed crimson. “I can't believe-G-Goodnight, everypony!” She levitated the shaky pegasus and galloped out of there, head held low in shame.

“Ah can't believe...” A loud thumping noise from behind her made Applejack turn around. She gasped. “Brother!”

“So... Tired...” The stallion, in a situation of disarray similar to Nocturnia's, slumped to the floor, seemingly exhausted. He would have never thought it possible, but he had found a match for his endurance.

-I-

“Luna, what in the world?” Celestia muttered as she recovered from the six hours of perpetual vertical movement of the moon in the sky.

-I-

“Aaaah, good morning, Twilight!” The unicorn just frowned as the cheerful alicorn turned pegasus woke up, beaming, and anxious to share her beamingness with the rest of the world. “Isn't it a wonderful morning?”

“Actually, it's pouring buckets, princess.” The unicorn pointed at a nearby window to emphasize her point. “And how can you be so... So...!”

“Radiant? Satisfied? Have such clean pipes after one thousand years and over of abstinence?” She giggled some more, causing Twilight to start steaming. “You should ask Big Mac. He sure knew what he was doing.”

“SO SHAMELESS!” Celestia's pupil exploded. Luna, still in her Nocturnia form, chuckled. “Don't tell me that all that stuff about the future of ponyville was made up!”

“Oh, of course not, Twilight. I needed to enlist Big Macintosh's help, and so I did.” Twilight's frown receded. “I just had some fun as I did!”

“F-FUN?!”

“Oh, yes, my naïve Twilight. Six hours of passionate intercourse with a hunk of a stallion sure do count as fun. Especially when they're bigger than me, for a change.” She regarded her flank with a sultry gaze. “I really like being this size, you know? I think I may turn it into a regular thing.”

“Fantastic. Great. Happy for you. Now, listen here, princess! Your mission-”

“Right, right! Got to go collect my red stallion and continue on my quest!” The princess started to flutter her wings. “Don't worry about breakfast, I'll take a bite on the road!”

“P-Princess Luna, wait!” Before she could speak another word, the pegasus left the room, leaving a steaming Twilight- “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Well, screaming Twilight alone in the library.

-I-

“Dayumn, Big Mac. Ah don't reckon ever seein' ye this hungry!” Applejack commented as the red stallion basically inhaled food like it was air, under the gobbersmacked gazes his sisters and the endearing smile of his granny. He stopped and downed a bowl of water and then subdued a burp.

“Ah don't reckon Ah ever been this hungry.” Big Mac confessed, sighing, his stomach finally full and his energies replenished.

“That pegasus actually matched ye?” Applejack blurted out.

“Matched ye in whut, Big Mac?” She immediately regretted it as Apple Bloom entered curious mode.

“Endurance. We've been runnin'.” He answered immediately. Now that left him wondering, just what princess Luna had in mind to justify his leave of absence from the farm. That was when there was a knock on the door. “Ah'll get it.” He had finished breakfast, after all... Well, lunch.

He trotted slowly to the door. “Yeah?”

“Good morning, Big Mac. Lovely day, isn't it?” Nocturnia greeted him face to face, her fluttering wings holding her up in mid air. Then, she started walking on air and past him. “Hope I'm not intruding, but I had to talk to you as soon as possible. Good day to you too.”

“Oh... Howdy.” Applejack greeted back as the pegasus appeared in her line of vision. “Huu, Granny, Apple Bloom, Ah don't think ye've met this lass yet.”

“I'm Nocturnia, a friend of Twilight Sparkle from Canterlot. Pleased to meet you.” The pegasus landed, and suddenly started shuffling her feet. “Hmm, sorry to intrude, but, I'd like to ask a favour.”

“A favour? Whut's on yer mind, sugarcube?” Big Mac was in awe. She really had the shy, embarrassed down to... How did you say that, again? Down to par?

“Hmm, well, I was wondering if I could borrow Big Mac for a few days.” Okay, that he wanted to hear. “You see, I'm heading to Cloudsdayle for a wedding, and... Well, seems like I'll be the only invitee without a 'plus one', if you know what I mean, so... I was wondering if Big Mac could... You know...”

“Oh.” 'I think I saw this in a movie.' Applejack mused. “Huuu, well, it's up to Big Mac, but there's th' problem that he needs ta help with work here and-” That was when the bag of bits as tall as Apple Bloom appeared out of hammerspace and slammed onto the table. Applejack blinked owlishly. “Horseapples.”

“What she said.” Big Mac mused. That was a lot of bits.

“I think this should be enough for you to hire some help for the time we're away and then some, right?” Applejack's salivation had gone right out of control, overriding her body's capacity to do anything but nod dumbly. “Good! Then, shall we go, Big Mac?”

“Now? Ah-” Before he could even say anything, the two teleported away.

“... Applejack.”

“Hmmm?”

“Only unicorns can use magic, right? Because, they just teleported.”

“Hmmhmm.”

“Aaand ye're too focused on th' money ta care.”

-I-

“Ahhh, crisp Cloudsdale air.” Luna breathed deeply as the teleportation spell landed them on a cloud overlooking the city of Cloudsdale. “Isn't it a beautiful sight, Big Ma-Big Macintosh?” Nocturnia noticed that there was no Big Mac where Big Mac should have been, but just a hole in the cloud. And a desperate neigh resounded in the air. “... Oh, right. Earth pony.”