A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...}

by Bumblebee Tuner

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, Random, Diamond Tiara, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sweetie Belle, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 21728

In a world where everyone is special, no one is. The usual terrorism surrounding Magic vs Science in Academy City. A Challenging Crack-Fic Crossover Between MLP:FIM and A Certain Scientific Railgun / A Certain Magical Index and other Kadokawa anime.

In a world where everyone is special, no one is. The usual terrorism surrounding Magic vs Science unravels in Academy City. A Challenging Crack-Fic Crossover Between 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' and 'A Certain Scientific Railgun / A Certain Magical Index' among other Kadokawa Anime such as 'Is this a Zombie!? and 'Future Diary. Where the problems are the basically same, but the characters are different.

The current avatar of the Index Librorum Prohibitorum (formerly known as Sweetie Belle) doesn't want to be lobotomized, so she runs away to Academy City where she's drawn to Twilight Sparkle (in the role of Imagine Breaker and Zombie Bodyguard) Like a bad penny. Meanwhile, Trixie (as the nefarious Accelerator) is legally allowed to murder ponies for science, Rainbow Dash (in the role of Railgun) is a terrorist out for blood, and Scootaloo (as Kuroko) works for Judgment as the most useless bodyguard ever... Besides, how could anyone not like a story with more than 1,032 Rainbow Dash clones running around a major metropolis?

Published 2015-08-03 04:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-28 12:12:04 UTC

The New-Borne Identity

The New-Borne Identity

By T. C.

Twilight Sparkle, a Level 0 ESP'er code named 'Imagine Breaker' in the Academy City database, lived in alone in a third floor studio apartment with a balcony and no air conditioning. Academy City ranked most of its inhabitants based on natural psychic ability. Twilight Sparkle had none. And, while she was by all means an inquisitive and intelligent unicorn she wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Hence the reason she was currently taking remedial lessons with Button Mash, Snips, Snails, and Diamond Tiara under the tutelage of Ms. Apple Bloom. To add insult to injury, not only was she twice the age of most of her classmates, Apple Bloom was a child prodigy making Twilight the oldest pony in the classroom. Worse, Twilight Sparkle had no natural talent in applied sciences or mathematics. So, in all likelihood, she could suffer retrograde amnesia and no one would even notice. At the very least she could pride herself on the fact she wasn't as delusional as Diamond Tiara, who seemed to think being told that even among the special she was special was a compliment. Wisdom was not one of the natural gifts bestowed upon Twilight Sparkle, and as such, she wasn't considered very smart. Because she was a few years older than her classmates the closest thing she had to a friend was her Smarty Pants doll, which had been lovingly converted into a clutch cover with a purse strap for her cell phone during one of her home economics classes. Her parents had sent her to Academy City so that she might have opportunities that would be unavailable to her in Canterlot. But, considering her social status was roughly equal to her psychic ability there was little chance of it bearing any fruit unless some miracle happened.

Elsewhere Bellatrix Lulamoon, A level 5 unicorn code named 'Accelerator' in the Academy City database, spit on the corpse of her latest victim from the hive. "Pathetic." Bellatrix Snorted. 'Trixie was the highest ranking level 5 in all of Academy City. And, it was presumed she was the most likely to attain alicorn status. Hence the reason for the necessary slaughter. Although 'meat grinder' would probably be a more appropriate nickname for her, she always had the excuse she was following orders waylaying any guilt she might have felt for killing the 'sisters. It wasn't like they had souls anyway. After all, they were 'clones made exclusively for her personal use as training dummies. The 'sisters, all members of a hive mind, were Level 3 clones of another level 5 listed in the Academy city database as 'Railgun. In theory, the great and powerful Trixie would ascend to alicorn status if she killed 100,000 level 0's or more.

However, since there wasn't exactly a war to test this theory out, and no one was willing to kill that many "assets" just to find out if it would work, they used the left over clones from the muscular dystrophy trials to train Bellatrix in her special talent. That the ice blue unicorn, with ice in her veins, might reach her full potential and become an alicorn as powerful as the legendary Nightmare Moon was to much of a tantalizing a prospect to resist for any scientist. Railgun, the template upon whom all clones of the hive were based, better known as Rainbow "Danger" Dash had to be escorted at all times by a member of Judgement to ensure accidents didn't happen during the experiment. Unfortunately, Scootaloo (a level 4 nicknamed the Transporter) couldn't be with her 'sissy always. And, her scotophobia prevented her from following Rainbow Dash at night. Even with the strict curfew enforced, Rainbow would often sneak out at night to parts unknown. In spite of this, although there were rumors among Anti-Skill and Judgment that she was the terrorist blowing up assorted C.L.O.U.D. factories throughout the city. Nothing could be verified and Scootaloo would never believe it anyway. CLOUD was the largest pharmaceuticals manufacturer in the city, and considering how poorly Dash reacted when Tank died, there was no way Scootaloo would ever believe her 'sissy would put peoples lives at risk in such a reckless or senseless manner.

Today was the day that these ponies lives would forever be entangled because of a certain magical Index, Index, the unicorn formerly known as Sweetie Belle, had all memories of her former life erased when more than 100,000 forbidden books, grimoires, and tomes, in addition to other magical textbooks and necronomicon housed in Celestia's personal library and the archives within church of necessary evil were uploaded into her brain. For this honor, in spite of her photographic memory, Index had no memories of her former life because her personality was slated to be wiped as part of routine maintenance schedule to protect her from accidentally or purposely revealing the contents of the Grimiores to anyone outside of Celestia herself or the Church of Necessary Evil. Index, being sharp as a whip even before she forgot who she was, failed to see how she would know if they followed through on their promise of allowing her to remain Celestia's apprentice if she had the memory of a goldfish.

In Index/Sweetie Belle's not so humble opinion, loosing both your identity and personality was too high a price to pay for being unable to keep your mouth shut. It was bad enough she lost the former when the books reformatted her brain in the first place. Sadly, considering magic was a public secret anyway, the text were so obscure as to be ridiculous, the only way one could know she violated the trust were if they knew the text she quoted from just as well she did. And, considering she had no memories of being Sweetie Belle prior to being implanted with the 'Guilty' knowledge of dark magic and chaos theory to begin with, the only way she could avoid leaking sensitive information (or unconsciously quoting the works that made up the core of her new identity), would be if she knew how to blackmail every-pony that thought she was more evil than Silver Spoon and Peppermint Twist. However, unfortunate for the guard at least, the filly formerly known as Sweetie Belle escaped just days before the ritual that would erase the what was left of the Index Librorum Prohibitum's latest avatar, and more or less infantilize her for the next two or three months. She didn't care if she was going to be Celestia's latest pupil or personal student. It obviously didn't do Sunset Shimmer any favors. And, it went complete without saying, many of Celestia's former protégés reportedly died before they managed to become an alicorn. The only successful ascension to alicorn through magic during the last century was of Princess Cadenza, and being a blood relative of the royal family meant she never had to worry about being lobotomized.

The Church of Necessary Evil sent only two Magi to retrieve the filly formerly known as Sweetie Belle from Academy City. There were other places she could have been, and others had been directed elsewhere. But, ultimately, Index was hiding in Academy City so it stood to reason she would face off against one mage or the other. Big Mac, better known as Styil Magnus, had a legitimate excuse for visiting Academy City. Along with Rarity, her majesty's personal tailor and private assassin, the two Magi traveled beside one another in awkward silence. It was because of Rarity's skill that Celestia appeared six inches taller and ten pounds lighter in full regalia. And, although Big Mac's sisters lacked a similar aptitude for magic, both were quite successful in their own right. Applejack was a member of Anti-Skill whereas Apple Bloom was a teacher at a nearby middle school. Neither knew of his magical aptitude for fire, nor were they aware of his true name. Rarity, on the other hoof, had a 'kill anyone Index comes into contact with on sight' order. Neither were particularly fond of the mission they had been personally selected for, but lacked the necessary authority to care. Operation: 'Puppy-Smiles is Bestest Pony' was underway.

May the Helhest of Dulahan have mercy on their souls. . .

Author's Note

A/n: This is a crossover between A Certain Magical Index/Scientific Railgun and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. I own neither series, I'm just using their characters as paper dolls for my personal amusement.

The Future Diary (for obvious reasons)

Chapter 1

The Future Diary

Sometimes she just didn't want to get up in the morning. It wasn't because she didn't have friends. Twilight Sparkle had the bestest friends ever… the only problem with them was that they were imaginary. While holding her smarty pants doll turned purse Twilight Sparkle sat up in bed, wrapped herself in the covers of her sheet so that it settled around her like the cloak of a like a dark mage, even though it felt like the aluminum wrapper of a baked potato, and called out as if summoning a demon into the sweltering void of her studio apartment in Academy City.

"Discord! Are you busy?" No sooner had the words slipped from her lips then the real world melted away like a moment of mindful meditation escaping into a world of structured chaos. The heat of the room around her evaporated immediately as well, leaving a cool feeling of a breeze on an autumn morning. The only thing that remained of her apartment, at least from her perspective, was the bed.

"Twilight Sparkle! For you I have all the time in the world, but first there are a few things I have to finish up." the draconequus replied. "I am amending a finer point of causality."

"Oooh! Sounds like someone has a lot on their plate." Twilight replied.

"Reality benefits from the occasional jolt-"

"You aren't going to like, start a war or anything, are you?" Twilight Asked only mildly interested.

"You dislike violence?" The way Discord asked this question was like a cat eyeing a mouse. "I can't just reveal everything, you'll simply have to wait and see…"

"So…" There was an awkward silence between the two before Twilight Spoke up once more "What's it like to be the lord of space and time?" She wasn't exactly grasping at straws with the question. She knew Discord liked to talk about himself, his goals, and his work. Plus, since this was all in her imagination she could find out a little about herself in the process.

"Hmph, again with the same stupid questions." Came a distinctly different voice from behind Twilight Sparkle. She would have been startled if she hadn't felt the pink pony crawl into the bed with her. "How does someone like you survive if you can't even remember the answers to questions you've already asked a million times over?"

"Hello Pinkie Pie. I missed you too." Twilight responded cheerfully. " Has Discord been treating you well?"

"He made cotton candy with chocolate milk for breakfast, but completely forgot to buy whipped topping."

"Oh…" Twilight responded mournfully. " That might be my fault actually, there was a power outage last night and I haven't had an opportunity to replace everything in the fridge since I got up. I was late for class this morning and Apple Bloom insisted I stay behind and help her grade papers." After patting Pinkie Pie on the head like a dog Twilight continued. "if it makes you feel better I haven't had anything to eat at all. Of course, since we're all technically he same person, I suppose it's good that one of us ate something."

Pinkie Pie looked as if she had been stunned stupid. "Gasp! Ohmygosh! You think-"

"Pinkie." Discord gave her a mothering look.

"But, I mean c'mon. She really doesn't know?" Pinkie seemed utterly and truly shocked "How could she not know? She comes here all the time." Twilight wasn't entirely sure what the two mental constructs of her id and superego were talking about, but she never really understood half of what Apple Bloom taught her either.

Discord's simple response was "Deus ex Machina" and the matter just seemed to drop into silence so quiet you could hear a pin drop. And then, there was another pregnant silence before Twilight started talking again.

"Anyway, I've been thinking of using my cell phone to write a blog or web journal based on my adventures in Academy City, only instead of letting everyone know I live in Academy City I was thinking I'd tell everyone I lived in a make believe city called Pontypool or Ponyville and-" Twilight sparkle was cut off by Discord who had a rather excited gleam in his eye.

"What an excellent idea! And, maybe each week you could throw in a paragraph or two about what you learned about friendship. Ooh! And you know what else would be cute, if you addressed each one to princess Celestia and ended it with 'your favorite student. Twilight Sparkle." Discord smiled wickedly "That ought to scare the living daylights out of her for at least a week or two. "

"Why would it scare the living daylights out of her?" Twilight was confused and looked visibly perplexed "She probably doesn't even use the internet."

"Good point," Discord snapped his fingers "I'll have Pinkie Pie write down a copy of everything and send off a burn notice after the situation with Index has settled down." Discord then snapped his fingers twice before a martini appeared in his gryphon like appendage.

"Index?" all train of thought from Twilight's question immediately halted when her cellphone started vibrating in her Smarty Pants clutch. "I'd better get that, it could be important."

"Twilight… Are you lonely?" Discord asked.

"What do you mean?" Twilight responded nervously. The question was uncomfortable, especially from Discord, and especially considering the void of chaos should have dissipated the minute her reality started interfering with the illusion of fantasy. " Other than my phone and this place I don't have anyone else I can talk with really. You guys and my family are my whole world."

"Twilight, Given the opportunity to reinvent yourself, what would you do?" Discord asked.

"I- I don't know, I'm not all that bright." Twilight responded. Discord was scaring her. Why wasn't the illusion breaking, that was her talent after all, breaking things, this realm shouldn't exist anymore if she didn't want anything more from it. Her phone vibrated again. Could she answer it in this place, this void of madness… what if Pinkie Pie and Discord said something while she was talking, then everyone would know she was crazy. If she was both crazy and stupid her parents would probably lock her up in a nuthouse.

" Twilight, suppose I bestowed upon you the ability to predict the future." It was more a statement than a question. . .

Twilight decided to answer her phone. After removing it from her Smarty Pants she looked at the screen. A sigh of relief. "Good. It looks like someone's just texting me." Her anxiety must have been powering the illusion of Discord's realm because almost immediately her apartment faded back into existence. For once Twilight could appreciate the blast of warmth as reality overtook the fantasy. The text message had one line, the email was from Discord. It simply read "Check the balcony…"

The sheet fell back from Twilight Sparkles's head, cascaded down her neck, and rested on her shoulders as she blinked in surprise. Twilight would have been terrified that Discord had sent her an email if it weren't for the fact that the message disappeared after the second blink and she was staring at the blank illuminated app screen of her cellphone.

"The flip…" Twilight then looked up from her screen to see a young marshmallow colored unicorn filly draped over her balcony. She was about to question what exactly the strange unicorn was doing there when all of a sudden.

"I'm so- I'm so very hungry. Feed me." The unicorn filly begged.

Twilight looked around so see if there were any cameras in place.

"Did Shining Armor put you up to this?" This seemed like a prank he would pull.

"Very-very hungry." the marshmallow unicorn whimpered and whined.

"What was that?" Twilight asked. She wasn't completely sure she heard right.

"I said I'm hungry you ninny." The filly with a nerdy two toned mane replied.

"Excuse me?" Twilight wasn't sure how to respond. This was getting tedious.

"Are you even listening? I told you I'm hungry." The unicorn filly huffed indignantly. "What are you retarded?"

It took Twilight a moment to figure out how she should answer either question before she realized this foal thought she was retarded anyway. It wouldn't matter what Twilight said. Being in special classes because she was dumb did not mean she had to accept abuse from complete strangers… that was for friends and family only, which made it okay. Rather than answering this rude little beast's questions, Twilight decided to ask another. "Do you make a habit of showing up at peoples homes and asking for things you didn't earn?"

"So, do you have any food in there, or what? I'm starving." The unicorn filly whined like a trained seal. Twilight blinked, it was like having a conversation with miniature version of Pinkie Pie. Twilight took a moment to briefly wonder if she had left Discord's realm at all. Everything looked normal enough, but this was too much like her fantasies of friendship to be real. New friends didn't just pop out of the aether fully formed, she had to work really hard to come up with the design for discord, even though she based him on a statue she once saw during a field trip to Celestia's labyrinth… and Pinkie Pie looked kind of like that waitress at Sugarcube Corner. Still, it took a bit of effort to draw all the different parts of the chimera with just the right proportions and everything, and the waitress always looked so depressed and stone faced it was only a matter of time somepony drew a picture of her with a smile on her face. Twilight had to concentrate really hard to draw good, and it wasn't like she had a photographic memory or anything.

"Or what, definitely what…Hey, listen. I didn't catch your name." Twilight responded.

"I told you already, I'm Index. Index Librorum Prohibitum. Can't you remember anything? I sent you an email. Shining Armor said you were a librarian." Index huffed "Now shut your pie hole and gim'me some food."

"Just because I hang out at the library does not make me a- WHERE IS HE!? SHINING, I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING ME!" Twilight Yelled.

"Whoa, Nelly. Just hold your horses and pipe down. I never said Shining Armor was actually _With_ me." Index sighed.

"Then how did you find me?" Twilight asked.

"Internet. Duh." the filly formerly known as Sweetie Belle stated it as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

((Maybe)) next time on A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle in Equestria… The Florence Nightingale Effect.

Author's Note

A/n: So what I thought I'd do was make this story three times more fun. I don't own My Little Pony, A Certain Scientific Railgun, or Future Diary… I just needed an elaborate excuse to throw Discord, Flutter Shy, and Pinkie Pie into the mix. Plus, I needed another excuse to have every[pony] and their brother trying to convert Twilight Sparkle into a dead pony. But, lets face it, she needs to have some sort of advantage if she's half as clever as a cutie mark crusader and has no talent whatsoever save breaking things. XD

Student Profiles

A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle in Equestria

Chapter 2

Student Profiles

Princess Luna's 'Center For Kids Who Can't Magic Good, and Wan'na Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too' wasn't just another school located in the heart of Academy City. It was a CLOUD research facility that housed state of the art medical facilities, a hamburger university for vocational skills training, and a public library which rivaled anything available through many a rare bookseller or online media warehouse in the exterior. To become one of Little Woona's Urban Achievers you had to be truly special among the special needs population. Not remarkable, just special in that your parents had more money to burn than common sense. The only exception to this was, of course, Twilight Sparkle. Who, through some fluke or strange coincidence, won the contest to name the learning center while pretending to be a fifth grader. Technically, she wasn't really pretending. But, Luna had no idea Twilight Sparkle was _THAT_ special until she laid eyes upon her. And, clearly there was no one more special than Twilight Sparkle. Princess Luna had just assumed Twilight Sparkle was a bit slow among the underprivileged, not developmentally challenged beyond all hope of repair.

Luna had seen fewer than three such creatures assembled by a necromancer or alchemist with as much care and precision craftsmanship. In fact, if it wasn't for the glamour spell to hide the stitching, and the fact that Twilight Sparkle's blood had been replaced with some sort of magically regenerating dark ichor, she might be completely indistinguishable from other foals. Her blood, now the color of ebon darkness shrouded with a faint purple glow, was probably the only 'dead' give away. Whether or not Ms. Cheerilee was unaware of the full extent of Twilight Sparkle's handicap, or whether it was a lie of omission, one thing was painfully obvious. Twilight Sparkle was among the living impaired. While admittedly a high functioning zombie, or goul depending on whatever terminology was politically correct at the moment, Twilight Sparkle was by all means not the only zombie in Academy City. After all, there was at least one other working in a nearby café, and [if she had to hazard a guess] at least a community of hundred more within the city limits. Additionally, while it's true that even Jello has brainwaves Twilight Sparkle clearly wasn't getting the necessary intake of proteins and metta-cognitive brainwaves necessary to maintain a level of healthy psychological functioning much higher than that of a dog.

Princess Luna idly looked over the rest of the files of the students in her end class. The files were stacked half-hazardly on her desk before shimmering briefly, floating a foot off the desktop and encircling her like an organized rolodex with a faint blue glow. After selecting one of the files as they rotated around her with all the energy of a praxinoscope, the files neatly lined up and fell onto the desk once more. Luna then took a moment to flip through the file on hoof.

Diamond Tiara, code named the Alchemist, was special in a different way from Twilight Sparkle. And, even among the special she was special. A natural prodigy when it came to alchemy and earth based magic she was largely tutored in the arcane until she accidentally stumbled upon telekinesis as a poor facsimile of substitutiary locomotion. With the unfortunate side effect of permanently crippling her ability to use magic ever again unless she wanted to suffer internal hemorrhaging or a grand mal seizure accompanied by fits of epilepsy, she is currently recovering from a form of goldfield syndrome. The investigation into how a promising level 4 gemstone was reduced to a level 0 three hares away from being a permanent vegetable was still pending. There was, of course, speculation that Diamond Tiara pissed off the wrong person before it backfired and nearly cost the filly her life. While it can neither be confirmed or denied, it was also suspected that her father either runs or maintains order within the criminal underworld of Academy City. As such, it was with extreme caution and trepidation that any treatment plan involving cloning or experimental surgery be taken very seriously and blah, blah, blah. Nothing interesting there.

Next file; Button Mash, code named Minecraft and better known as the god of gaming, an autistic technophile and strategist who spends most of his free time playing what he likes to call 'gal games.' Rarely a moment passes when he isn't staring idly at a computer screen of one form or another like a tonberry. His half sister Elise, a thestral of some sort code named Fire Engine, being the only other person he talks to with any regular frequency (in more than single word sentences). When he isn't out playing detective, or patrolling the streets like a common gigolo looking to snatch a young filly's first kiss, he seems to turn up at a lot of crime scenes with casual disinterest and a flex rack, both highlighting the fact he is magically disabled and usually supporting a pocket media player he mastered with the use of his tongue. Additionally, there were rumors that if he kissed a girl she would have no memory of him following the exchange.

While certainly more interesting than Diamond Tiara, Button Mash was nothing to write home about, and if a lady couldn't remember her first kiss then it was doubtful he'd have meaningful relationships with any pony other than his sister for the foreseeable future. Next File…Apple Bloom Magnus, Luna would be having words with the recruiter of their latest hire. While Apple Bloom's picture was conspicuously missing from the teachers file, one thing was obvious, if it took her seven years to complete a four year degree she was clearly incompetent. And, while all the A's on her transcript looked promising, taking anthropology, sociology, communication, and speech language pathology classes as her electives instead of learning a second language proved she was anything but clever. Apple Bloom was neither cum laude or valedictorian, and her degree had no minor whatsoever. The only possible explanation was her recruiter had been charmed by a gifted lemming who knew how to feign intelligence and play catfish. Not to mention Luna had never heard of a 'Canterlot High School' much less Apple Bloom's previous employer 'Sweet Apple Acres.' Granny Smith indeed, Luna rubbed her temple in annoyance and decided it simply wasn't worth it to press the issue further. After all, it wasn't like she needed anything more than a foal sitter to play look out for the students anyway. Still, whoever this Apple Bloom character was she must have been a real idiot. She'd met children who could speak a second language, and this girl could barely speak the one if her regular 'C's in college English were any indicator of academic intelligence.

Next up, Snails Escargot , second oldest student enrolled in the end class after Twilight Sparkle. Registered in the Academy City database as Black Swordsman, Snails was one of the roughly 6,000 survivors of Sword Art Online. SAO was a massive multiplayer online role playing death game that lasted just over two years and cost the city billions in medical expenses alone. Snails, while academically gifted, was literally a psychopath and total failure (if not a complete retard) when it came to logical reasoning, choice dilemma, and citizenship questions. When confronted with test scores revealing his status as a violent psychopath, Snails argued the tests were stupid, unrealistic, and did absolutely nothing to keep a real tyrant from acquiring money, status, power, and influence. Bold words considering the tests also revealed Snails has both a paranoid personality disorder and no natural leadership ability whatsoever. With a strong need to objectify others, and a need to protect his property like a dragon should a situation come to blows, it was hoped he would imprint on one of the other students in the end class like a "badass baby duckling." Then, once tethered like the dog he was, continue preparing him to enter military service like all the other SAO survivors.

Finally, there was Snips, codenamed the Joker. Who genuinely believed he was an extra terrestrial from the planet Arkham and that his girl Harley would love the new meds he was tripping on. Other than the delusion he was an alien from another world, and that the learning facility was actually some sort of outpatient mental hospital where the lunatics were running the asylum, the Joker seemed mostly harmless and agreed to keep a watchful eye on the Black Swordsman. Should he notice any signs that his new 'friend was a danger or threat to himself or others Snips was to report to the nurses station immediately and let the Anti-Skill or Judgment officers effectively neutralize him. Luna sighed, she really needed some wild turkey if these ponies were the best chance she had at assassinating the great and powerful "Trixie" Lulamoon before she became an alicorn.

Every single pony on file were little more than a bunch of two bit hacks. Granted, Luna still had until weasel stomping day to get them all up to snuff. For the moment, however, the only two she could consider putting money on at this point were Diamond Tiara and Twilight Sparkle. That is, of course, assuming she didn't find Twilight Sparkle's mysterious necromancer first. All she had to go on was pink thread and yellow pegasus feathers at this point. It just didn't make any sense. It was almost as if Luna were looking for the ghost of that poor little orphan mare Fluttershy. The poor filly whose body was recovered during an investigation of the local rainbow factory, after it was learned what happened to young pegasi who didn't meet certain homogeneous standards or requirements in the pecking order, couldn't help but remind Luna of Snow Drop and her brother Cruise Control. It was absolutely barbaric how pegasi treated their crippled foals and wounded. At the very least, Luna felt secure in the knowledge that she gave her little urban achievers the chance to let their deaths have meaning for all their suffering. And, while the hypocrisy of what she was doing completely eluded Luna at the moment, that security was enough to make her feel better about herself. Besides, with teamwork and synergy all things were possible.

Author's Note

A/n: Wow, just wow. There are just so many people who inspired the opening to this crack-fic I don't know where to begin. Obviously, I don't own any anime or cartoons referenced such as My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, The World God Only Knows, Batman, Sword Art Online, A Certain Magical Index/Scientific Railgun, The Future Diary, Is that A Zombie!? Nor can I take full credit for the inspiration I took from fanfic authors like Luna Brony and Arania among others. When I started this story I had initially toyed with the idea of a challenge, that of making a coherent 200,000 word story with each chapter based on the pilot from a different anime or tv series and adding to it each chapter. This chapter would have been Related to 'Is That a Zombie!?' And the next probably something along the lines of The Adventures of Tintin, Outbreak Company, Stony Cat and the Hen tai Prince etc., etc… Of course, the story itself is already unnecessarily complicated. I thought it would be a good learning experience in expressing ideas since I've always had trouble explaining some of bat-spit crazy stuff that happens in half the anime I watch. And, I'd get Kudos for my esoteric knowledge of fun anime like Space Dandy and the like. That said, I'm probably going to work on my second draft of Applebloom ½, maybe I can pique the interest of more than ten people and get more than 2 followers this time. lol XD

Let's blast this turkey...

A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle in Equestria

Chapter 3

There are many ways to become an alicorn. For Diamond Tiara this was a forlorn hope and at worst a cruel joke. Ironically, when she was picking sides oblivion and pragmatism were the furthest things from allies.
She was the worst kind of spy, the kind both sides knew was a double agent thus making any intelligence she provided practically worthless. She supposed she was fortunate that her condition made her virtually immortal even if she wasn’t invulnerable. And, she could still use magic provided she didn’t use more than seven simple spells or one major seven layered spell within fifteen minutes of the last series. At least that was before the accident. The kind of accident that set up the worst kind of temporal loops, a homunculus loop of inescapable Stein’s gate limbo; that is unless she somehow managed to cross a dimensional gateway before- well, in all fairness, Discord‘s death was ZK paradox waiting to happen whether or not there was a winner of the death game.

Diamond’s branch of the reality tree was already braided into the tire swing of structured chaos and the cord was about to snap. Scratch that, the cord was the only thing holding the branch to the tree of life and that cord was slowly frayed down to its last thread before the whole system collapsed. No amount of gorilla glue could restore the structured chaos her world relied upon for its survival. Even the concept of structured chaos was an oxymoron. Fortunately, she found a quick ally in Sunset Shimmer who was equally eager to get out of this hell hole and Discord’s twisted game of phone tag. But, in all fairness, she could literally rule the world at this point and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference what her species. Which was really sad because practically any idiot could become an Alicorn in her reality without much effort. Except her, because what could possibly be more chaotic than someone with access to all the powers of God restrained by the straightjacket of a twisted game of cat and mouse. There just wasn’t enough time…literally.

The academy city database title of Alchemist was a bit of a misnomer as the title of Backstabbing Blade would have probably been more accurate. Not that it really mattered since Diamond Tiara wasn’t even her real name. If she ever located the cruel bastard that named her Blood Diamond she was going to vivisect them with her chainsaw of justice. Not to mention she would hardly classify internal bleeding, simulated tuberculosis, and occasional brain damage in exchange for the ability to use magic an equivalent exchange. The only reason she had the luxury of living as long as she had was a result of her ESPer ability to immediately repair most superficial damage and her ability regenerate her major organs within a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, since the ability relies on a good deal of perception for damage control, the use of painkillers often caused more harm than good.

Author's Note

I had 800 words, now its 500. I'm not necessarily giving up just reformulating the Kadokawa pony massacre.There are too many anime in here as it is I don't know what I was thinking.

And, in case you were wondering what my comments were on August 3 "I'm not entirely sure anyone else is thinking this story through fourth dimensionally. I realize it took three chapters to introduce most of the main players and, as a mash-up or role insert style crossover, the introduction isn't the most original piece of fiction. I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't see the forest for the trees. The story is meant to be a tragically dark, and gory, alternate universe.

Without spoiling the story I think it's safe for readers to assume the story takes place in Academy City. Pegasi are cloning their 'inferior' models until they find a cure for what ails them before disposing of the leftovers as economically as possible. In one case, aiding a unicorn ascend to alicorn status. In a world where everyone is special, then no one is, including Luna. A decentralized power structure doesn't negate her influence, nor does it make her any less of a villain. In much the same way, being a terrorist doesn't make 'Railgun less of an anti-hero. I'll admit I haven't decided whether or not Luna and Celestia are on the same side in this reality, but it's safe to assume taking or picking sides in this story will be a matter of perspective. In a debate between Magic vs Science where any science sufficiently advanced is magic, something is bound to confuse the issue."

This Zombie/Dumb Twilight story is still happening, and she will be teaming up with a broken Diamond Tiara. Sweetie Belle is still going to be Index. Apple Bloom will still be their teacher. There will still be lots of Rainbow-dash clones and Trixie is still going to be homicidal. Flutershy will still be a lovably crazy psychotic necromancer, and Discord and Pinkie Pie will still be Twilight's imaginary friends. And, I'm still borrowing the concept of 'Princess Luna's Center for Kids Who Can't Magic Good, and Wan'na Do Other Stuff Good Too' from Lunabrony. I just need to figure out how to organize it better before I can create an irreparable bootstrap paradox.

Binky's Friend Chapter 1

Binky's Friend Chapter 1

A/N: This is a(n) FIM crossover with Noragami Abridged, Discworld, and Parasyte. The plot goes something like this... The Rich family, Filthy that is, moves to Canterlot. Before leaving Ponyville, Diamond Tiara is infected with an alien parasite that gives her super strength, schizophenia, and all the emotional resonance of maud pie. She eventually kills Winona and saves Binky from being run over by an Ice Cream Truck. Binky, being the god of death, becomes fast friends with Diamond mostly because she's curious to know about the only helhest that isn't on his hit list.

Binky's Friend
Chapter 1
Somewhere in the Everfree Forest...

“Come Scotophobia! Let's purge this evil in the name of Equestria.” Binky, a young blue eyed white unicorn sporting a black mane and tail with crackerjack markings that glowed with the faint orange of firewood, triumphantly called out to his regalia who promptly transformed from a flightless orange pegasister with purple eyes and ironically colored B-FF hair into a chrome spearheaded dagger or pigsticker.

“HOOO-AHH!” Binky proudly unleashed this battle cry as he promptly sliced the cockatrice into bloody chicken nuggets. His baby blue scarf whipping in the wind as he posed dramatically “Aha, I win!...So, what were we talking about again?” Binky asked as he casually tossed the spearhead towards the ground with a flick of the wrist.

Just before hitting pay-dirt in a flash of light Scotophobia transformed back into a pegasus foal with windswept hair. “Beats me. But, now that we're on the topic; I quit!”

“*GASP! WHAAAh-? How is that even remotely the same issue as you running off to Ponyville and leaving me all alone in Manehatten... Do you have any idea how cold that refrigerator box was without you? DO YOU!

“It's not like you can die.” Scotophobia huffed.

“B-but, I thought we were friends.” Binky Whined “Imagine how I felt when you ran off for donuts and you never came back. Do you know how long it took me to canvas Manehatten completely unarmed?”

“Look. Binky, you're a real nice guy and all but- *Groan* For the love of Celestia who am I kiding. You're a Jerk! And, no offense, but you smell like my grandmother.” Technically, being the familiar spirit to an orphaned (if not anthropomorphised) embodiment of death, Scotophobia didn't really have a grandmother. But, that didn't change the fact that Binky smelled like mouse urine and rotten apples.

“You don't have a grandmother! Hell, you're not even technically alive.” Binky knew this would hurt her, because the truth always hurts. As a golem Scotophobia wasn't technically a living creature. And, as such, her soul was only a fragment of his own. Scotophobia's death meant oblivion as Binky could not share her memories, they could only share emotional resonance, corruption of spirit, and sins agains nature; which was how Binky was able to track her down. Her impure, sinful, and masochistic desires towards a classmate attracted him to Ponyville like a fly to fertilizer.

“Wow!” Scotophobia said in indignation “I guess there really is no end to your level of jerk.”

“You're not even alive troll, you're like that annoying dragon at the local library that kept needling at me to shut up. I bet you can't even fly without my help.” Binky noticed a slight twinge in Scotophobia and snarled cynically “I'm right, You can't-Can you? you dull ass Bi-.”

“I can fly, I can totally fly on my own!” Scotophobia lied. Which in turn burned Binky like a branding iron.

“*Sst' You know, that really hurts-” It was a difficult choice, but after spending the last five years in physical pain looking for his wayward armament, severing what little connection they had left would be like gnawing off a leg stuck in a bear trap. The air smelled distinctly of burned fur, rotten apples and mouse urine.

“What can I say? I learned from the best.” Scotophobia stuck out her tongue and gave Binky a raspberry.

Then again, he'd be lucky if the scar tissue on his legs managed to heal.

“Fine.” Binky said flatly as he motioned the saccade for lotus and asylum effectively removing any remaning bond between the two. “I release you. You were a lousy weapon anyway.” the dark patches of fur on his legs slowly fading to ash gray from the glowing black of burned wood. He momentarily looked forward to being able to walk again without it feeling like hot razorwire was wrapped tightly around his legs like compression socks.

“Hallelujah!” Scotophobia merrily skipped off towards Fluttershy's cottage to meet up with her REAL friends so they could get their animal tamer cutie marks. Her last words to Binky were something along the lines “Enjoy amounting to nothing Jerkface. Toot-a-loo!”

“Oh Yeah! Well you're a Bitch. Hah ha! ha...hurn...oh gods, why won't the hurting stop...

A few months later in Canterlot... “I'll shlow her, I'll become the greatest Alicorn prinsheist in the world!!!” Binky then took a swig from the bottle of apple cider he picked up from Flim and Flam's Pour-Haus. It was a respectable establishment that just gave the booze away free of charge provided you agreed to help them sell time shares in Tartarus, wherever the heck that was. Not that Binky cared, as long as it provided him with cider and kept him mobile enough to take care of his other responsibilities it was honest work.

“Get a Job Yah Hobo!”

“You Get a chub you filfy aminal...and teh namesh Blinky!” Binky nursed his bottle, “An I'll have you know ah'm the allmighty Gawd Binky! If you need monsters slain, love potions, retrieved lost items, paranormal investigations, consulting advice and/or me for berfday parties; Just Remember, anything you can do I can do better! And, for a reashonable rate I'm even a nice guy. Ha ha!”

To be continued...

Author's Note

Because everyone should have an ashcan or morgue with parts to scrap. FOR PRACTICE!!! Hopefully, I can get proficient enough that I'll develop something more original.

Binky's Friend Chapter 2

Binky’s Friend
Chapter 2
When You Dance The Macabre With A Glaive And A Twist…

The night was young, the moon was bright, the invasion of the pony snatchers would begin with a fright. Diamond Tiara was laying in bed, sleeping as soundly as one would expect of another pony with a full stomach while wearing a night mask and headphones. Then again, to say she was sound asleep was an understatement. At the moment she was practically dead to the world, and drooling, as snot trickled out of her nose. She had fallen asleep while listening to Saphire Shores and Ra Ra Couture with her music box on repeat. Given these circumstances, in addition to the fact that she put her blinders on, it was inevitable she would remain unaware of the extraterrestrial snake that had slithered into her room through the open window.

Whether the aforementioned creature was from a whole other world, or different dimension, at this stage it was immaterial. Diamond Tiara was its target. And, should the parasitic creature get it’s way, it would possess her body and mind. Even if that meant what remained of its potential host was as spiritually dead as the muzak she listened to on auto-tune. That this happenstance should occur during the night of an invasion of a different sort was just one of those things that made for excellent cover should its mission fail. After all, the alien could not disguise itself from creatures that feed off emotion in resonance anymore than a predator could hide from its prey. Then again, should the snake achieve ecdysis, ascending into a veritable apex predator meant changeling thermadore and alamode.

It slithered around Diamond’s head. In much the way a centipede would curl about its prey before making a calculated strike, it analyzed the sleeping pony in order to determine the quickest method of penetration. Seven holes five of which were currently occupied, six if you count the one that lead directly to the stomach. It was at that precise moment a spider crawled across Diamond Tiara’s muzzle, startling the parasite out of its exploration of Diamond’s physiognomy immediately.

The parasite then cocked it’s head in curiosity when the unconscious pony, evidently acting on instinct, started to giggle and wiggle her nose “Tee hee hee, that tickles.” Tiara said this as she promptly sniffled, perhaps snorted, just before sliding her tongue across the snot dripping out of her nasal passage and using the viscous residue to aid the fleshy muscle of her tongue in the capture of what the parasite would come to learn was a daddy long legs. There was an audible crunch followed by a grinding noise and an audible whisper of “mmmm… Cupcakes!”

The process of elimination is a beautiful thing, the obvious solution to the alien’s dilemma had presented itself almost itself immediately. While the mouth was otherwise occupied, the defense offered by the tongue and choppers left the pony’s tear duct otherwise defenseless. The gelatinous alien snake then tried to take immediate advantage of her inattentional blindness. Sadly, in much the same way the scent of a gingerbread cookie calls attention to itself next to a glass of milk, the snake failed to force its way through Diamond‘s nose hole because it neglected the one obvious flaw in it‘s reasoning. Simply put, ‘spiders are icky.’ For it was not long after the words “Cupcakes” had escaped Diamond Tiara’s lips, an instantaneous effect really, that Diamond started sputtering and spitting what remained of the foul creature like a cat coughing up a hairball.

This of course lead to Diamond Tiara’s realization that something else was trying to invade her person by crawling up her nose ant into her tear duct. After sneezing involuntarily in rapid succession, thanking whatever gods of Equestria saw fit to wake her at that moment. Diamond quickly lifted her night mask to make sure she hadn’t lost any brain tissue, as most ponies are want to do after sneezing with enough force to tear through a handkerchief like a goose in a Dutch oven.

It was then that Diamond laid eyes upon her unwanted caller. As what could only be described as the bastard child of a velveteen worm, and an ungodly reptile made of gelatin, coiled itself into a spring and launched itself towards her. Bringing her legs up to protect her face, Diamond winced as the snake struck with such force the venom seemed to burrow into the frog of her right hoof like an earthworm digging through soil as it slowly tore through the panicked pony’s appendage.

The acidic, if not corrosive, worm wriggled and writhed into her forearm like a hot knife through butter. Diamond unleashed a grunting if not groaning scream as she quickly used her headphones to tie off her arm just above the elbow almost to her shoulder to keep the snake from crawling any further up her arm. The commotion having alarmed everyone in the household with loud clopping, banging, and thumping from the struggle. The bedroom door flew open as Filthy, Rich that is, back kicked the object onto the floor with more than enough force to knock the ceiling fan out of its fixture and splinter the frame on its way down.

“NARM SHNAKE! NARM SHNAKE!!” Panicking, Diamond Tiara was attempting to waggle her arm while speaking through gritted teeth that were busy stripping the plastic coating of the headphone wires. While pulling the ear buds tight enough to cinch her infected arm, as her other foreleg assisted, she took one tenth of a second to look at her recently deformed appendage when the pain immediately ceased, only to find the extremity looked completely normal. Clearly, the psychedelic effects of the snake’s venom had worn off and Diamond Tiara was now momentarily dumbstruck as to what happened.

Never mind what she said after spitting out the marshmallow shaped ear buds. Obviously, it was something along the lines of “Daddy! There was this ugly ass snake, and it bit me.” Of course, being that she was completely uninjured (save her pride at the embarrassment of having her father interrogate her to find out if she was using drugs after discounting her story as a nightmare or falsehood), her explanation fell flat and held about as much weight as the wires that were barely holding up what was left of the ceiling fan.

The night proceeded rather uneventfully after that. Diamond’s father decided it would be best if she slept in one of the guest rooms, or rather take over one of the guest rooms until repairs could be put in order. Diamond agreed, but knew something was off in her father’s request. He was probably going to sweep her room for herbal drugs, orange frogs, or magic mushrooms in the morning. Whatever, it wasn’t like she had anything to hide anyway.

The following morning breakfast was consumed with about as much fanfare and silence as one would expect in the Rich household. One of the maid’s, and a few of the other servants seemed to have a glazed expression on their faces that Tiara probably wouldn’t have noticed if she wasn’t still on high alert after being attacked by a snake the previous evening. Never one to mince words when the truth would fit best Diamond put some marmalade on buttered toast and left for school. Maybe something interesting would happen today, it’s not like there was a fire or an explosion every week in Ponyville…

Author's Note

A/n: not much to report. I'll keep you posted.

Binky's Friend Chapter 3

Binky's Friend
Chapter 3
Death Takes a Holiday

Diamond was in Ms. Cheerilee's class pondering the meaning of life the universe and everything else as she sat quietly in critical silence. She glared at Silver Spoon who was doubtlessly ignoring her over some imagined slight or transgression as she wrote or doodled something in her notebook. Seriously, it was almost as if Silver Spoon was as dead from the neck up as the rest of the staff at her family mansion.

“She's probably writing up futa' and yaoi' porn again.” Diamond thought to herself as she recalled the oddly titled 'Pony's Master Bait' featuring Fluttershy, Big Macintosh, and his cousin Braeburn down at the local fishing hole. . . Needless to say the story gave new meaning to the classic 'you've got a line and I've got a pole.' Diamond wasn't even sure why she read the darn thing in the first place, there were just some things that can't be unseen. And, that sort of thing was best left to the imagination of the one who conceived it.

Ms. Cheerilee was doubtlessly teaching something that probably had limited practical utility, at least in Diamond Tiara's opinion. Some of the students were taking notes and Diamond decided to use the time more effectively by finishing up her math homework. After thinking over the events that had occurred shortly after she was bitten by the snake the preceding evening, it occurred to her that her body did feel kind of numbed all over, like she was half asleep. “I'm so confused...Was it a dream? Which part was the dream? Is it possible I'm really dead? I mean I've had breakfast. And, I'm at school... So I guess that means I'm alive. Then again...” She thought to herself “This seems awfully convenient, If hell were a place it would definitely be Ponyville.” She looked over at Silver Spoon briefly and thought about her odd behavior and that of her father's staff this morning. . . Nah, only a screwball would think the town was being overrun by changelings.

“Hey, Silver. What's my favorite color?” Diamond Tiara asked. It was a pretty stupid question, but it was the only way she could be sure Silver Spoon hadn't been replaced by a changeling or something more sinister.

Silver Spoon had a look of terror on her face for a moment, a look one would expect to see if she'd be caught writing yaoi' porn in her class notebook. “I-uh don't know. Is it blue?”

“HA!” Diamond Called out drawing the attention of the rest of the class as she pointed an accusing hoof “I knew it, You're a cha-” Silver Spoon was panicking and sweating bullets while darting her eyes around the room looking for either an ally or an escape route. “Oh...wait, I guess you're right.” The look of dumbstruck, if not nervous, relief on the obvious wolf in sheep's clothing went completely unnoticed by the narcissistic heir to the Rich family estate.

Ironically, it was Apple Bloom who was the first to speak up “Are you feeling all right Diamond?”

Diamond Tiara then groaned “Sweet Celestia, why does everything suck? This sucks. Everything SUCKS. I hate my parents, I hate this S#!7y school, I hate my S#!7y classmates, I hate the S#!7 eating pussy look I get on my face when I'm depressed. IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT EVERYTHING SUCKS!” Diamond Tiara then glared at Apple Bloom. “Maybe if some-pony were nicer to me... I... oh, F@$%! did I just say that out loud?”

This was followed by an awkward moment of silence that was broken by a smart ass remark from their teacher. “Well, Tiara, I think you'd look very pretty today if you cleaned up your mouth.”

Apple Bloom was the only one in class who laughed.

“Why don't you go suck you mother's tit blank flank?” Diamond Tiara stated contemptuously as she addressed the laughing sadist.

“My Mama's dead! You know that.” was Apple Bloom's angry retort.

“Awe, tough titties? No worries, I'm sure the maggots have cleared that up by now."

“You better get ready to DIE! Bitch.” Apple Bloom Growled. “I'm going to kill you-”

“GASP! Apple Bloom, I'm surprised at you.” Ms. Cheerilee seemed genuinely shocked to hear Apple Bloom grace her virgin ears with a threats of homicide. “Both of you are staying after class for detention."

“That ain't Fair. Ah ain't done nuffing!” Apple Bloom whined.

“Yeah! How're we supposed to get our grave digging cutie marks if Apple Bloom-” Sweetie Belle immediately piped up with her own smart remark until Cheerilee glared at her... at least Cheerilee thought it was a smart remark until Scootaloo said something that almost scared the poo out of her.

“Shut up, You're going to get us caught.” Scootaloo hissed at Sweetie Belle as Cheerilee looked at her with an expression of horrified curiosity. It was then that she realized what exactly seemed off about this morning's roll call.

“Oh my god, has anyone seen Twist?” Cheerilee asked as the cutie mark crusaders shared a guilty if not conspiratorial look between the three of them. Shockingly, it was Silver Spoon who put Ms. Cheerilee at ease.

“Uh, Yes! I saw her Ms. Cheerilee... She... was... over at Sugarcube Corner and... said she would be late... because she had to run a few errands for Ms. Chrysalis- I mean Mrs. Cake.” This was followed by a nervous laugh as she seemed to sense Twist walking into class without turning her head “Well, Speak of the devil-” although on a subconscious level Silver Spoon was thinking “Oh thank merciful Chrysalis, reinforcements have arrived.”

“Sorry I'm late Miz Cheerilee-” The look of horror on the crusaders faces as they slowly turned their heads in the direction of Twist, who seemed to have the same glazed expression Silver Spoon was wearing this morning hadn't done anything to put her at ease. “I had to... do stuff. For...Pinkie Pie.”

“That's quite all right. I wasn't teaching anything important anyway.” The crusaders all had a paler that reflected the horrified look on their collected faces, as if they had just seen a ghost.

“AHA! I knew it!” Diamond Tiara Cheered triumphantly, having confirmed Ms. Cheerilee was nothing more than a glorified babysitter.

“I'm not a changeling Tiara, and Silver Spoon isn't one either. You're just a Screwball.” Said Twist.

“Wait, I never said-” Diamond Tiara was starting to connect the appropriate dots. This wasn't hell, either this was a changeling invasion or she was still tripping balls from the leftover snake venom in her system... and, she wasn't even entirely sure the snake was real. “Oh Luna, I hope I'm still asleep.”

“Oh, thank Celestia, it's just another changeling. I was worried Binky might have gotten lonely again.” Scootaloo sighed in relief.

“Who's Binky?” Sweetie Belle asked. Having overlooked the fact that Scootaloo had confirmed Twist was indeed a changeling.

“Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.” Was all Scootaloo was willing to offer on the subject.

“Wah-wow, that-that hole jus' cleared right up. Didn't it?” Apple Bloom laughed nervously “I'm ah guessing tha boo-lay jest grazed you- didn't it? You, should'na done that. You had us awl skeered there for a while Twist. An One oh' these dayz your gon'na have to tell us how you did that trick, cause that sure as shootin' didn't look like jello.

“For the love of-” Scootaloo face hoofed “Apple Bloom. That ain't Twist, the real Twist is still sleeping down at the clubhouse gathering mushrooms and blowflies.”

“But, if she was just sleeping, then why'd you tell us she was dead?” Sweetie Belle asked innocently.

Scootaloo started to bang her head on the desk with several thumps in rapid succession. While mumbling something about the confederacy of idiots around her.

Ms. Cheerilee chose that moment to disassociate from the reality of what was coming from the mouth of babes. It finally happened. She was having that nervous breakdown her professor told her she'd have if she started teaching in students Ponyville. She didn't want to believe all the stories about everyone in Ponyville eventually going crazy. Twist was clearly alive. The cutie mark crusaders were definitely not murderers, and Diamond Tiara definitely hadn't grown an extra pair of eye balls at the base of her hoof that were now blinking at her.

Diamond Tiara chose that moment to play heads up seven up in a shameful moment of her depression spiral. She lay her face on the desk and brought both hooves to cover her ears. Diamond had to admit Scootaloo had the right idea. If only she could block out the world around her for just a few hours more __then__ she wouldn't have to deal with anything, or anyone, more stupid then her own damned self. “Arg! Everyone hates me.” Diamond thought to herself “What I wouldn't give to just be left alone, to be forgotten. I wish I could just go home, fall asleep, and forget the school day and all my problems never existed. . . Diamond could have sworn she heard an arrogant jerk say something along the lines of “your wish is my command.” before she just kind of blacked out...

“Scotie! Hey Scotie!” Diamond Tiara said before she tore a page out of her notepad rolled it up into a ball and threw it at Scootaloo. “Hey Scotophobia, bet you didn't know I could do this. Did you, huh?”

Scootaloo opened her eyes lifted her head turned to look at Diamond Tiara with an expression of shock. Her eyes were very catlike and familiar. “Oh my god, you didn't-”

“This is called God's Possession.” Daimond Smirked. “Either that or God's curse, I'm not entirely sure... I'll have to ask daddy next time we meet.”

“Oh! So, you think this is some kind of game now screwball?” Scootaloo glared at Tiara.

“So, anyway this next question is a very difficult one.” Cheerilee had a sick smile on her face as she pretended not to notice Diamond Tiara's complete change in personality, manestyle, eye color, or Scootaloo's seemingly familiarity and reaction to a pony she knew barely engaged in two kind words with or about the filly, and even then only because she hung out with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle on a regular basis. “Would anyone like to answer the question on the board?”

Daimond raised her left hoof and waved it in the air with a manic “ooh, ooh, ooh!” Mostly because she didn't seem to have complete conscious control of the other fore-hoof for some odd reason. She then sashayed past Scootaloo with a contemptuous smirk “When are you going to realize I'm a God?” Tiara asked. Tiara then turned to face her classmates.

“Oh my, So...You think you're a God now? That's nice.” Cheerilee smiled like one of Starlight Glimmer's happy little puppet ponies.

“Ah, Yes. Allow me to introduce myself... I am the all mighty Binky!” She then decided to use Ms. Cheerilee's desk as a makeshift lectern. “It's my first day in school. Nice to meet you! Tee-hee.” the pony formerly known as Diamond Tiara saluted the class with a goofy looking grin. “Please take good care of me. And remember to tremble in my presence.”

“Are you sure really want to do something this stupid on your first day?” Scootaloo asked.

“Holy smokes.” Button Mash commented “She's crazier than me.”

“By the way, Diamond, you really can't be seen now...” Binky said while staring off into space with a contemptuous grin. “Well, Scooter can probably see you. But, nopony else.”

Ms. Cheerilee briefly wondered if she should be documenting her student's decent into madness. And, she probably would be if she wasn't in the middle of a nervous breakdown of her own and standing three hairs away from being bat guano crazy...'Oh those cute little devil birds,' the thought flittered across her mind, 'how wonderful it would be to see them migrate.' Yes, indeedy. Maybe now would be a good time to spring for that vacation in Tartarus she'd heard so much about.

Binky then winked and smiled as she hopped onto Ms. Cheerilee's desk and stared off into space “Let me explain!” if someone happens to make a death wish I can posses their body easily like this. That's called God's Possession.” She then sighed as she sat down on the desk awkwardly “I'm actually trying it out for the first time."

“ha ha ha!” Scootaloo laughed hysterically “She's definitely got a set of pipes on her, and I agree you should give her body back you sick S.O.B.”

“I get it, I get it... my shear attractiveness can be overwhelming to mere earth ponies. I guess I should be thanking you for lending me your body. But, you see, I didn't really need the help. After all, I'm actually a god.” Binky then proudly stood up on Ms. Cheerilee's desk and posed provocatively as she addressed her classmates. “That's right every-pony, I am the all mighty God Binky! I will become the greatest god in the world and every-pony will come to worship me as their one true God. And one day, I will have everything I want at my disposal. Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

“Holy cow, Diamond's a total screwball.” said Featherweight.

“Ok, I'm getting a little bit of a clingy girlfriend vibe right now...” Diamond was kind of turning to look in Featherweight's general direction. It wasn't particularly easy to tell with the glassy eyed stare. “But, I should probably be the least of your worries... it's your soul dummy, how should I know what happened to your arm?”

“Don't worry about it Diamond. It'll be alright, or I'll make it right.” Scootaloo said.

“Forget everything she just said. What's mine is mine, Dummy. And, your body is now heaven's lost property.” Binky smirked.

“Screw that, I'll keep an eye on him for you.” Scootaloo glared at the possessed pony.

“Yeah, whatever” Featherweight commented, “so long as you keep her eyes off of me.”

“Relax, you're not dead. You're more like half dead... I mean, you're not all dead. Only. Mostly dead. A little dead? Sitting on the fence...”

“Hey Screwball, you're starting to scare Featherweight.” Apple Bloom interrupted.

“ Hmm...I don't know, I'm a pretty busy guy. Maybe two bits would change my mind.”

“All of them,” Scootaloo huffed. “Literally every single one.”

“Great, I'll add you to the list.” Binky smiled maniacally.

“ha ha ha! How long's the list?” Scootaloo started laughing hysterically “Good one. Boss. That's classic.”

After lunch, the rest of the school day pretty much went off without a hitch... unfortunately nopony would remember Diamond Tiara's decent into madness any more then they would remember not to call her Screwball for the next couple of years.

Author's Note

Yes, lazy...very, very, lazy.

Binky's Friend Chapter 4

Binky’s Friend
Chapter 4
From Street 2 Slick

“So, Diamond…” Scootaloo had to ask, especially now that the three ponies had left the schoolhouse when lessons had ended for the day. Apple Bloom had actually stayed behind for detention. And, strangely enough, had to remind Ms. Cheerilee what she was there for. Sweetie Belle, out of a misplaced concern in her friend, insisted on waiting for Apple Bloom in the schoolyard’s playground. It wasn't an altogether remarkable playground, especially in light of the grey overcast skies. The mournful song of rusted swing set combined with the otherworldly warble of oddly named canadian geese were the only sound that could be heard outside the clamoring din, if not thunderous roll, of playful hoof-steps as the foals who had recently escaped their orthodox prison before heading home.

Meanwhile Screwball, that is to say the all mighty god Binky was wearing Diamond’s Body like a prophylactic, at least until he recovered from whatever blight his late regalia singed him with as s/he started trotting off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. At this point there was no doubt in Scootaloo’s mind that the anthropomorphic personification of death intended to take advantage of Diamond Tiara’s sweet tooth, taste buds, and endless bank account for some treats.

“How exactly did you meet Binky? I mean he doesn’t just grant wishes to anyone out of charity.” Technically, he wasn’t violating the ‘literal spirit’ of Diamond Tiara’s wish, as detention meant the school day wouldn’t end for her until Cheerilee released Apple Bloom from their punishment of shared intention. And, in all honesty, Diamond could have just gone home, fallen asleep, and forgotten that the school day had ever happened, even if that meant Diamond was technically cutting class… or that she’d have no idea how sinfully Binky was using her body. Especially if he intended to use it as a track suit.

Not that it was a particularly major concern considering Binky was only about as evil and demonic as Fluttershy’s little Angel. But, if there was a fine line between right and wrong for the anthropomorphic personification of death, using or violating some pony’s body like a meat puppet without their full or conscious consent had to be pretty evil. Then again, being the embodiment of death by disease, sub heading suicide, among other forms of morbidity meant that he was in opposition to all that lived anyway. So, death was technically evil incarnate by virtue that his existence was the literal opposite of what it means to live.

“Unless Screwball over here-” Diamond Glared, with a look that did everything in its power to shoot daggers, at the thing that was currently in possession of her body while keeping stepping time with Scootaloo behind said screwball. “is that same perverted crackerjack I caught playing with a factory reject dildo by the train tracks this morning, I have no idea.” Now that she thought about it, she really didn't have many clear memories of this mornings events. It was almost as if a fugue was clouding the memory from her full conscious awareness.

“That was not a dildo, that was my new Testara.” Screwball, that is to say the pony formerly known as Binky corrected her ungrateful host. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find a parasprite I could use as a weapon on such short notice. It‘s not like I had access to my blessed vessel. She was busy trying to get her homicider cutie mark or something.”

“For the last time jerkface, I am not your blessed vessel. I could barely stand being your exemplar. And, put your tail down people can see your hooch!” Scootaloo complained.

“Aww, but I thought You liked that. Don’t you?” Screwball purred mockingly.

“Would you two kindly shut up and pay attention to me?” the three legged specter of Diamond Tiara whined.

“ Oh, Heaven forbid anyone ever stop doing that for two minutes.” Scootaloo muttered. . . “wait, you mean that nubby little circlet you were wearing in the everfree forest the other night was- BWAH HA HA HA HA it really is a factory reject dildo.”

“Her name is Twist and she’s twice the Regalia you’ll ever be. Besides, you‘d be surprised how useful a blackjack with a rubber strap can be. ” Screwball huffed.

“Oh My God, I knew it! Where is she now, is she hiding in the dumpster behind Sugarcube Corner?”

“No” Binky was offended “I’m not that cruel. If she’s smart then she’ll still be waiting for me in that booth I left her in five hours ago.”

“You left her there alone for five hours!? You’re insane. You do realize no one can see her. Right? I mean unless you resurrected her body or made her a new one she’s still just a ghost.” Scootaloo jogged up to match pace with her former patron/dependent so that she was shoulder to shoulder with the screwball. This action was taken so that she could give the body snatcher a piece of her mind.

“Well maybe you should have thought of that before you murdered her!” Binky‘s voice dripping with sarcasm. “Besides, she’s so out of it she couldn’t even recognize her reflection at this point.”

“Of course she’s out of it. She’s a ghost with a head injury. I‘d be stupefied too.” Scootaloo stated with venom.

“Damnit! What the hay are you two filly’s talking about? And would you quit ignoring me!” Diamond Tiara growled as she chased after the two mischief makers trotting up the steps to the entrance of Sugarcube Corner while in the middle of what appeared to be a lover‘s quarrel.

"Hyperacusis." Binky stated with a solemn emotional apathy and dispassionate tone. Diamond wasn't sure Binky had answered her question. The response was given in such a way; as the the tavernas gingerbread styled, olde-world modeled, barn door was opened by the screwball with a heart of gold (simultaneously highlighting one of the most architecturally striking features of Sugarcube corner while reminding Tiara that her body had been commandeered by a self proclaimed god of ill repute) using a less than ambidextrous preference for Diamond Tiara's left arm to open the door while creating a distressed whine accompanied by the ting of a bell intended to direct the attention of anyone beyond the reach of the bakery's service counter; that other ponies in the immediate weren't entirely sure Binky had had addressed them. As the three ponies entered the sweet shoppe, consisting of one machine turned homunculus, one helhest of a spectral apparition, and a god in possession of the latter's physical form with maxed out charisma stats and a full compliment of legs; they headed for a booth at the other end of the storefront.

If there was a word taxidermists used that could describe a living corpse, other than carcass, zombie, golem, or manikin, this would aptly describe the body was being manipulated and puppeteered by Binky. For Twist there was no need for a marshmallow test to hold her attention, her blank, open mouthed, glassy eyed expression and the ectoplasmic drool dripping from her maw said it all. If Binky had fingers s/he'd probably be snapping them to bring Twist out of her stuporous if not vacant expression. "Yep. Smarter than a bag of hammers."

"What the hay is wrong with her?" Diamond asked as she looked back and forth between Binky and Scootaloo the orange pegasus just kind of shrugged and vaguely made an 'idunno sound.

"Well, I tried to pattern her personality after that kid from two stupid dogs... you know that one cartoon with Secret Squirrel. But she must of recovered some of her memories and cancelled out the spell."Binky Started. "We came at a good time, she probably spent most of that time screaming her head off, and now she's just recovering from the shock."

"Please tell me you patterned my personality after Rainbow Dash." Scootaloo had a sly look on her face.

"Who?" Binky asked. "More to the point do you even have a personality?"

"What the hay are you two talking 'bout? neither of you are making any Celestia-damned sense when you speak. It's like listening to an old married couple arguing in Applenese." Diamond queried. It wasn't like she was mining for information, just a point of reference so she could make some sense out of the nonsense.

"YOU VILE URCHIN!" A glimmer of life and passion returned to Twist momentarily as she lifted her arm and pointed an accusing hoof at Scootaloo."YOU KNEW THIS $#@7 WOULD HAPPEN AND SAID NOTHING!"

"Well, If it makes you feel better the girls and I learned a whole lot about Taxidermy." Scootaloo laughed nervously. "And being friends with death has benefits."

"Oh, good. She's awake." Binky smiled as he waved his or rather Diamond Tiara's pole arm in front of Twistaloo's face to gather her attention like Pinkie Pie on a sugar high. "Good morning precious, welcome back to the land of the living...impaired. My name's Binky, this here is Tramp Stamp-"

"Hey!" Diamond Tiara interjected.

"-and you already know Scootaloo." Binky finished "Now, if you don't mind scooting over a bit, I'm going to order some milkshakes and hayburgers. Jus' let me know if you want anything."

"You better not be using my credit card!" If the venom in Diamond's voice could kill the anthropomorphic embodiment of death, he'd probably respawn in a matter of moments. Especially given how upset Luna was about her recent discovery of all the ponies that died from their nightmares while she was interred on the moon... Although not technically responsible for those deaths, Binky was present when many of those ponies fell victim to the self-fulfilling prophecy of their own death wish. Which, was just another reason to hate him beyond the 'it follows' virus.

"Listen 'Tramp.' Just have a seat, shut your yap, and enjoy the show." Scootaloo pushed Diamond into the open seat, in the booth, opposite Twist with her big fat butt (Scootaloo's butt being the object of Diamond's ridicule) as the pegasus herself sat opposite Binky. Binky, who was currently looking over a menu that had been coated in Twist's ectoplasmic drool, mulled over the selection with as much care as one would expect of a demonic entity who hadn't eaten for two days. If Diamond Tiara had teeth she'd be grinding them as she glared at Binky with a withering glance so smoldering it could melt a hole through a looking glass. And, While It didn't seem to bother Scootaloo at all, with how quickly she fell into line with switching roles between being Binky's enforcer and Diamond Tiara's wayward bodyguard(or vice-versa), the later felt the sting of betrayal immediately.

"Cheez-its and honey, would you quit staring at me like that DT. It's kind of annoying." Binky looked up from his/her menu to give Diamond a piece of his/her mind.

"-oh.OH! It's making you uncomfortable!? Well, 'You know what else is uncomfortable!? Some-pony stealing your body in the middle of a F@%King math lesson you F@%king screwball." Diamond Tiara hissed in seething rage.

Binky started to respond "Buh-di-b-di-b-di-b-di-b-di-b-di" Binky then dropped the menu with her left hoof, grabbed her right arm, and seemingly wrestled it away from her face before wedging it behind her neck and holding it in place with the muscles of her neck meats. "Riiiiiight, I'm sensing a lot of hostility and pent up anger coming from you." Binky stated. Simultaneously ending her momentary porky pig like motorboat imitation, with an impromptu face flap, before wiggling her face awkwardly as she rubbed her new muzzle with nonchalant vigor "And, honestly, it's making me kind of uncomfortable."

"Ha! Everything's got to be about you, huh?" Scootaloo clearly found the situation mildly amusing.

"I know, right. Talk about vain." Screwball put her right arm down, ecstatic she was agreeing with Scootaloo about something for a change. Then, after taking a moment to look at Diamond "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend. And You,"Binky was now looking into the sole of her foot, fork in her left hand ready to strike as she appeared to be arguing with her idle hand "Don't make me stab you with a fork. Because I will cut you. "

"WHAT!?" Diamond asked. As if having a boyfriend was relevant at the moment. "Don't you Dare patronize me YOU F@$king cun-mmmrph" only to have her ranting muffled by Scootaloo.

"Don't bother, he can't hear you right now. He's in his own little world. Besides, I doubt there's a censor for that yet." Scootaloo commented.

"Conniving needs a censor?" Diamond asked.

"See what we did there?" Scootaloo smiled.

Binky then turned to address Twistaloo "So, Twist, anything happen while I was gone?"

"I-ah, I was looking out the window. Down the street, you know? When, all of a sudden I noticed this strange filly just staring back at me..."

"Was it the barista? 'cause under normal circumstances most ponies can't see apparitions." Binky appeared bothered. But, if anyone could see a ghost haunting Sugarcube Corner, Binky would lay even money that it was Pinkie Pie. "Are you sure she was looking at you?"

"Yep. She was looking at me dead in the eyes!" Twist stated morosely.

"Well, what did she look like?" Binky asked.

"She was about my age, I guess, with fluffy red cotton candy hair, big purple eyes, she was wearing a yellow beanie, and looked very cuddly." Twist used the executive function of her full cognitive resources to remember as many details about the strange filly as she possibly could.

"Wait." Binky took the yellow beanie with a green propeller off Twistaloo's head and placed it on her own head. "Now. Where exactly did you see this person?"

"I don't know... I was just staring out the window when all of a sudden-" Twist was cut off when Binky shooshed her regalia with the sole of her right hoof.

Binky then proceeded to face-hoof with the palm of her left. "That was a reflection you nimrod."

"Binks,' Remind me again why I have to be here?" Scootaloo leveled Binky with a half lidded stare.

"You're here because I needed some-pony remotely intelligent to talk too." Binky then looked away hoping Pinkie Pie would notice them out the corner of her eye, show up, and take their order.

"Ha ha, hi Tiara! When did you get here?" Twist asked as if she just noticed Diamond Tiara for the first time... even though she had been sitting across from Twistaloo the entire time. "Hey! Has anyone else seen Tramp Stamp?" Twistaloo asked as she looked around the Sugarcube Corner to see if she could catch a glimpse of the pony Binky had introduced her to not minutes before.

"Um, I think she went to the bathroom." Scootaloo mentioned.

"Well, I hope your happy Scootaloo." Binky scoffed. "This is what I'm stuck with now- I'll have you know this is your fault." Binky Accused his former exemplar.

"My fault!" Scootaloo was livid.

"Yeah, __all__ your fault." Binky almost felt shame."If some-pony wasn't so obsessed with their new girlfriend-"

"You said you needed a new regalia! right? And, you said you could make them from spirits. All I wanted was a little freedom." Scootaloo whined.

"Twitter-mite spirits not para-sprite spirits you idiot. Does Twist look like she's- oh nevermind. " Binky steamed.

"Parasprite what now?" Diamond asked "You mean those bugs that tore up the Ponyville a few seasons back."

"Yeah, that was a really bad day in Saddle Arabia. But, in all fairness, Miss Glimmer would not shut up. And the Kool-aid was all kinds of awesome." Binky replied.

"I was only trying to help!" Scootaloo cried. "I didn't know Sweetie Belle would-"

"You know what else would have helped, sweetheart. You not helping." Binky returned his attention to Scootaloo. "And, because of that, I was forced to take on this factory reject dildo as my regalia." Binky gestured to indicate Twistaloo. "Not to mention DT hardly qualifies as a tracksuit, much less paladin material."

"Hey, Diamond." Twist prodded Diamond Tiara with her concerned address.

"Yeah?" Tiara wasn't entirely sure how to respond.

"What's a Dildo?" Twistaloo asked.

Author's Note

Binky's Friend Chapter 5

Binky’s Friend
Chapter 5
Would It Matter If I Wasn’t?

It didn’t take a genius to know where Diamond Tiara lived. After all, nearly everyone that knew Diamond was a aware that she lived up on a hill in a bed of clovers. She had a heated swimming pool with a waterfall, her own grove of snack bearing plants (cashews, plums, berries and the like), and an arcade filled assortment of poker tables, pinball, and marble machines. That was just common sense. Sadly, or perhaps ironically, her street address was still a mystery to even the likes of Silver Spoon. Mostly because Diamond’s father insisted she charge people a ludicrous service fee to come in for a visit like she was a clown running an amusement park or something, and even after meeting that requirement further expected her to charge people to use her toys, musical instruments, and other assorted knick-knacks, all of which he made abundantly clear wasn’t even her property. It was almost as if she was just managing thrift store, casino, or warehouse, for a sadistic jackass.

While not technically stealing, Diamond did know how to supplement her allowance by playing drop dead and knuckle bones with her mother. Mostly because any resources her father actually gave her was just holding money, she wasn’t technically allowed to spend, invest, or use it on anything without Filthy’s explicit approval. If her father was a pimp she’d be his bottom bitch. Still, knowing her mother frequently played with loaded dice actually made the situation more like a con game of abuse wherein dice games for Diamond became test of luck against agility. Regardless, the location of her living address wasn’t nearly as public as her father’s service address. The timber wolves patrolling the perimeter of the property scared off most of unwanted visitors and made it unlikely that anyone in their right mind would trespass a clearing in the middle of the everfree forest.

One of the smaller timber wolves would escort her past Fluttershy’s cottage before returning to the ‘Heart of Darkness,’ a steamboat that carried her the few miles from the clearing to the edge of Ponyville. To save money on a bodyguard or something, her father then expected her to go out of her way to greet assorted ponies he had already vetted on her way to school. Basically, she had to go out of her way to find Fluttershy among other tattle-tales or gossip queens and say good morning. Probably so her parents knew she followed a predetermined path on her way to school and could complain if a deviation from her normal routine was reported.

Heaven forbid she wasn’t completely normal in every conceivable way, if she wasn’t she’d have to hear parents fight about it for days on end. Normal, of course, being an arbitrary concept. As her father would occasionally insist she do something completely senseless, meaningless, or off the rails like wearing bunny ears to satisfy the whims of the zap apple gods.

She probably wouldn’t even be friends with Silver Spoon if it weren’t for the fact that ‘normal’ ponies have friends, if she didn’t have ‘friends’ then people would think she was a bully, had a low frustration tolerance, or think her a sore looser like Apple Bloom. But, apparently, having a friend made all those character flaws disappear like magic in much the same way throwing money into a wishing well can make people more likely to do what you ask. If Diamond Tiara was in anyway autistic then it was conditioned in response to her environment. Dysphoric maybe, but being autistic or in any other way abnormal was antithetical to her self concept.

Diamond found herself ruminating over what she could do to seem more completely 'normal' if not 'sightly above average' for the next few days. Otherwise, getting bitten by the demonic snake creature would be just like the time she caught fleas, if her father didn’t believe the snake was real he would accuse her of goldbricking or just being allergic to work. Only in this case, it was drugs and not opposition to work he saw as the problem. Which meant her parents would throw her in a treatment center like the one Pinkie Pie frequented until she was ‘clean’ or they determined that she really was crazy.

Of course, Diamond Tiara considered herself fortunate she met Silver Spoon at the park shortly after getting fleas or she’d have never gotten rid of them. The fleas that is, not her parents. Diamond also had no reason to doubt her past experience with this sort of situation required some kind of justifiable paranoia. Heck, her father thought she was making a bomb when she wanted a vinegar bottle, food coloring, and corn syrup for a science project… Granted, you probably could make a substandard Molotov Cocktail with those ingredients. But, ultimately, she just wanted to make a wave machine or an emulsion thingie so she wouldn’t get grades that were below average.

Diamond Tiara was currently cantering on a crosswalk approaching a brick wall that ran parallel to the railroad tracks. She wasn’t exactly on the beaten path when she came across the gray and white pony with crackerjack markings. Diamond had a lovely view of his unguarded rear end at twenty meters. Whereas the head attached to the horses ass appeared to be peeking around the corner at the far end of the wall into an open alleyway. The pony in the fluffy fluff blue scarf then appeared startled as he reared up and leaned flat against the wall, beggars style, while hyperventilating in fear and attempting to make himself as invisible as possible. Diamond’s curiosity piqued as she pranced over to the panicking pony from his opposite side seemingly unnoticed. At least, before she touched him with the appendage that been bitten by the narm shnake.

“Hey stranger. What you doing?” Diamond asked as she tapped him on the shoulder with her right hoof.

“EEEP!” the crackerjack turned towards the thing that had touched him with a fearful expression, and then relief, after he looked at Diamond like he’d seen a ghost. He took a moment to look down at her arm and then look back to her face with an unreadable expression. “It’s, it’s around the corner.”

“Say what?” Diamond asked curiously.

“She appears to be eating.” He said as Diamond decided to take a look. Mostly because she was having difficulty connecting the dots before gasping in horrified surprise.

“Why- Winona!? Oh gods she-she’s feeding off a griffon!” Diamond recognized the dog immediately, practically everyone in town knew about the Apple’s family dog…Not many ponies on the other hand would recognize Gilda, or what was left of her after Winona had eviscerated her and chewed off half her face. Diamond Tiara brought her hoof up to her mouth in shock, or possibly to stop making noise altogether should the rabid canine happen to notice her.

Winona stopped eating at the call of her name. Her ears twitched and pulled back in the direction of Diamond Tiara. Slowly she turned her head revealing several rows of serrated teeth, her muzzle opened like petals of a flower, five to be exact. Her snout was split open down the middle with two rows of teeth in each section. The monster’s lower jaw was divided into three parts each with its own rows of teeth leading into a hole that looked like the anus of a starfish or the mouth of an octopus. Winona’s tongue was perhaps the most alien feature of all as the muscle split off into two insect like eye stalks. After staring at the creature in shock Winona’s head quickly closed up, twisting and morphing together as it reverted to its usual appearance

“ I see, so you failed also…” Winona looked crestfallen as she approached the horrified Diamond. “you…with your location… in your host.” Winona looked up to meet Diamond’s gaze “Me with my animal host. Both…Dissatisfied.”

“Run!” The crackerjack shouted as he pulled on Diamond Tiara’s Tail.

“What!? I don’t-” Winona started to charge as the crackerjack pushed Tiara out of the way before bucking the dog into the wall behind them with a bloody splat.

“Are you blind and stupid? I said run!” The crackerjack yelled as he chased after Diamond like an insane thestral escaping the underworld.

“I don’t understand. What’s going on?” Diamond asked as the two ponies started fleeing from the recovered canine in terror as it started mutating back into the monster that lay the griffon Gilda to waste in a matter of minutes… then it reformed several of the bones in its body and grew a pair of membranous bat like wings and took to the air.

“I’ll explain later, for now just move.” The crackerjack felt a disturbance in the force.

“But-”Diamond Tiara started. When she realized, she had no idea who this bastard was. In fact, she knew more about his back end than his front end. “Why are we running? Who are you? What is that thing? Where are we going?”

“That thing is the same thing you are. Hot and Dangerous.” Diamond couldn’t tell if he was flirting or acting serious, “I could sense that it wanted to kill you immediately.” Binky then steered or corralled Diamond towards a park with a swing set by the rail yard. The two were hidden safely behind a park bench before the anthropomorphized embodiment of death dropped the bombshell “As for me, I’m actually a God.”

“A god?” Diamond Deadpanned.

“Yup, I can grant wishes also. You can call me Binky.” The earth pony smiled stupidly as he held out his left hoof for a shake… it looked as if he’d stepped in dog poop apparently.

“You sure you want me to do that screwball?” Diamond asked. Not entirely sure if she wanted to make intimate contact with the mysterious stranger or even know his name.

“Yes, well… I may be in a small rut at the moment, but I can assure you I am the strongest god in all of Equestria. I’m even stronger than Celestia. And, eventually everyone will worship me as the one true God.” Binky said dramatically as the words seemed to become grander and more delusional with each passing sentence.

“Oh great, I’ve been rescued by a hobo who thinks he’s God.” Diamond wasn't sure if she should discuss this with her analyst

“Well, it looks like you‘re okay." Binky stated somewhat oxymoronically; with both a calm and excited tone. "So….What‘s your name again?” Binky asked.

“Like I’m Going to tell you!” Diamond Tiara Sneered.

Binky then leaned his head over and looked at her cutie mark “Diamond Tiara, huh? That’s nice, I guess you really didn’t have much of a talent. So, I guess that makes it okay.”

“*wha!? how did you-” ...“W-wait, am I dead?”
*“WHa!? How did you-” she looked into Binky’s cold blue eyes and stared into oblivion. After getting over her initial panicked shock that someone actually managed to figure out her name, much less her talent, after looking at the abstract thing on her bum and came up with tiara anything other than tramp stamp was a stretch for the imagination. It was only after she took a moment to look into the oblivious stare of his eyes that she recognized him for what he was “Am I dead?” Diamond asked, almost panicked, as she looked into the blue oblivion of his snake like irises.

“Um…Well, not immediately.” Binky momentarily wondered if he should be using a jugan or geass to make sure she forgot this moment ever happened. “ I mean, that’s not as bad. Right? Going into the light is easy as can be; leaving it is what will scare thee.”

“What kind of monster are you? This isn’t some game you jackass. This is my life.” Diamond Tiara whined. Had she full control of her body and emotional regulation right now Diamond would have probably pounced Binky like goat and would be butting him into the ground.

“Urgh, what a pain. Listen-” Binky started talkin but was cut off by a blood curdling scream.

“EEEEK!” Diamond Tiara screamed as she caught sight of the simulacrum of Winona chasing after something that kind of looked like Twist, only she wasn’t wearing her glasses, had big purple eyes, appeared to be wearing a yellow beanie with a green propeller on top, and was definitely a blank flank.

“Binky! Binky! Guess what?” Twist-a-loo came running into the park. It goes without saying she was real excited to see her new master given that she was followed closely by what could only be described as Q*bert with attitude. “ I did it. I did it just like you said. I exorcised a demon! I’m sure she’s real tired. Now what do I do?”

“Gods dammit Twist!” Binky cursed as he face-hoofed in shame. “You IDIOT! If that thing kills you, I’ll die too.” Binky failed to note the 'not immediately' part hadn't exactly crossed his mind.

“What the…” Diamond wasn’t entirely sure what was going on.

“Run For it!” Binky cried out as he pushed Diamond to get up off her ass and get up on her feet. “Now go! I‘ll have to fight it here.”

“If this is death, you’ve gotta’ be kidding me!” Diamond Tiara muttered to no one in particular as she wandered about five feet, possibly three, before turning around and sitting on her haunches to watch this garbage beat the facsimile of Winnona into a bloody pulp. It's not that she wasn't scared of the headless canine with a bifurcated tongue sticking out of it's serrated tooth glory hole, a tongue that for all intents and purposes resembled a marsupial's pony baloney, assuming that the pony baloney ended in a bug eyed stalks ballooned into the shape of a century egg with the iris of a hawk. And it wasn't that Diamond Tiara was particularly curious about marsupial pee-pee when she discovered that particular oddity for a report on Princess Luna's therapy service ... possum.

Diamond wasn't scared of Winonna's bat winged headless monster corpse for the plain and simple reason that the moment the adrenaline flooded her body, rather than trigger a flight response or the laxative release of last evening's alfalfa pellets (as would happen under most normal circumstances), the adrenaline had simply bypassed her medulla oblongata. This was no coincidence as the extra terrestrial trouser snake that had wormed its way into her body trough the frog of her noodle (and whom was currently using Diamond Tiara's body as its sleeve) had not only consumed her leg but replaced it and a significant portion of the spine tingling nervous tissue that managed many of Tiara's more vital internal organs. In a sense, Tiara couldn't care to move if she wanted too because she was not only depressed but disassociated from what she was observing by virtue of the fact that she now had a second brain. Diamond's affluenza, as the case may be, was the result of what Sunset Shimmer would term the third man phenomena coupled with what Twilight Sparkle would call a catatonic post nervous breakdown comingled with compassion fatigue. All this boils down to the crowning moment of lazy curiosity that just had her sitting there like a cow on her haunches as she ruminated about the distasteful idea of some-pony glory stomping a dog...even a headless one with serrated teeth and a pee-pee shaped worm crawling out the hole of it's...her, Winonna's neck meats.

“Okay Twist,” Binky started his saccade “it’s time to defeat this abomination. Atelophobia, come to me!” No sooner had the words escaped Binky’s mouth than did Twist-a-loo’ move as if stuck by lightning, because that’s exactly what happened as her body became a bolt of blue energy that coalesced in Binky’s grasp only to become-

“Holy smokes is that a dildo!?” Diamond asked still trying to figure out how an earth pony managed to transmogrify another pony into a replica of the oft mentioned one eyed monster. Granted she’d seen frogs turned into oranges so this wasn’t much of a stretch for the imagination, but it was still a stretch... not unlike marsupial wing-wangs with eyeballs and serrated teeth attached to one nasty looking 'bee' that ends with an 'otch.'

A blackjack. Twist-a-loo became a blackjack with a rubber strap. A blackjack of course being a sturdy blunt-force melee weapon that does indeed look kind of like a dildo, slingshot, the horn of a unicorn, or a really short whip possibly a noose if one got creative. Of course referring to it as a melee weapon was rather generous, all things considered it was about as useful as the hilt of a sword.

“I purge thy evil in the name of the rising sun. Hooo-AHH!” Binky then proceeded to beat Winona with Twist like she was a rolled up newspaper. In all fairness the dog was rabid. It was quickly dispatched when Binky used his regalia to crush the dog's heart like the soul of a baby kitten. The personality of what had once been Winonna was no longer there. The dog turned monster had already needlessly taken at least one sapient life, so there really was no reason to keep the abomination alive. Still, to harm a creature well known for it's undying loyalty or its capacity to eat feces and continue smiling was a tragedy for the ages.

Not to mention, Apple Bloom had some really awkward questions that morning when she slipped in a puddle of blood, found Granny Smith's headless body, and was no doubt ruminating over what was left of Winonna's muzzle, attached to what was left of a skull with hydrochloric acid burns, and what apeared to be a half eaten apple pie, in a half open refrigerator... Clearly, she was still dreaming and this was some kind of Karmic backlash for what had happened to Twist the other day. Apple Bloom hadn't seen or heard from Applejack that morning or Big Mac, but chances were they had woken up before dawn to do some apple bucking and to feed the cows... she wasn't sure of what happened to Granny Smith, but it was kind of obvious and chances were pretty good she was at the glue factory in the sky. So, if this was a nightmare, Apple Bloom best figured she may as well go to the school house so Princess Luna wouldn't ask her anymore awkward questions about the dead bodies laying around... assuming there weren't more on the way to school.

Author's Note

Still just a crossover between Discworld, Noragami abridged, Parasyte, and FIM.

Hyperacusis

Binky’s Friend
Chapter 6
Hyperacusis

There was enough food to feed a small army laid out before the four fillies gathered around the booth in the far corner of the bakery, emphasis on was. This small feat had won Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo a Polaroid photo and Sugarcube Corner’s posthumously named screwball award. Naturally, the feat would have been quite impressive if the two foals had actually pulled it off without cheating; not that they could actually explain the cause of their ravenous hunger without sounding a bit loony toons. After all, who would want to believe Sugarcube Corner was haunted by a pair of extra celestial apparitions? It was bad enough the two cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eaters were so high on sugar and absinthe that patrons entering the facility practically wondered why Pinkie Pie used it to make licorice in the first place… not that she’d gotten many complaints about her brownies or specialty muffins, but the children giggling in the back of the store were barely coherent; not to mention inconsolably delirious if not arguably psychotic. Metaphorically speaking, if one didn’t know better they might assume the winners of the screwball award were suffering recovery sickness from the use of pot after being slain by sharpness two.

One could hardly classify the repast at Sugarcube Corner fine dining, but between Binky and Diamond Tiara’s credit card the mare working the floor of the sweet shop made it possible. For the savory, mint chocolate mousse. For the cold appetizer, éclairs imported from Buckarrest. For the hot appetizer, apple pie brown betty brownies. For the intermezzo prickly pear sorbet, made with the juiciest nopalea in all of equestira. When the main course consisting of a three layered red velvet chiffon with pumpkin cream icing and double stuffed chocolate ganache disappeared faster than you can say pega-sister, a desert consisting of truffles in amethyst fondant made with real magic mushrooms was bound to be a major treat. The orange soda, whose ginger bug was fermented with frogs from Twilight’s caracara, made the incredibly edible licorice straws and candy glass tumblers immaterial. A true shock considering the flavor of the beverage was closer to mead mixed with sake than orange flavored ginger ale. Then again the chaser, consisting of a hot fudge Sunday with maraschino cherries and grenadine syrup, certainly made up for any missing calories the girls needed to wake the dead with ear piercing squeals of delight.

The specter of Diamond Tiara unwillingly footing the bill for this repast, as the anthropomorphic embodiment of death used her corporeal form to engage in a wild and drunken revelry, abstained from waxing her palate with anything more than the backwash of liquorish dew-shine passing itself off as coqui-cola.

“Why the hell aren’t you eating anything?” The mycelial parasite currently occupying Diamond’s body asked. That is to say Binky, the intellent virus, seemed to finally notice his host was not enjoying much of anything.

“And deprive you of your final meal? You scheming, dirty, rotten, thieving, lying, no-good, butt-faced god. I perish the thought.” Diamond replied. If anypony else could have seen her they might have noticed a slight sneer if not carrion eating look.

“Whatever, Fatty McFatting-ton. Just remember it’s your face not mine.” Binky huffed as she stuffed another cupcake in her mouth… “OW! Farking stained lass muffin.” ,,Binky whimpered and whined ad werf surf-tribble-ing quite interrigible conshidering her mowf waf foo of grass.’’

“Damn-it Binks quit narrating with your mouth full!” Scootaloo was clearly annoyed as she shoved Binky‘s face into a conveniently located banana cream pie with a splat. How she managed to sneak up behind him was a matter of public record seeing as she left the corner stall of the little filly’s room, with bidets and hipponese toilets, without washing her graspers. Sadly, Binky’s face was only an ungodly mess for half a second as the anthropomorphic embodiment of death managed to stretch Diamond Tiara’s tongue like a vine lick her face clean with a fruit by the foot.

“Wow!” Twistaloo was in awe. “That’s so romantic, you two must really like each other.” No, that wasn’t sarcasm. Apparently Twistaloo’s less than spectacular resurrection was accompanied with some form of delusional metta-cognitive autism that left her completely oblivious to harmful pranks or backhanded compliments.

Naturally, this statement received a dull, shocked, and an ‘OMG is she that bleating stupid’ look from the other fillies at the table accompanied by a seemingly hollow “What!?” that reverberated with the echo of two voices and a nervous laugh.

“Well, what I mean is… you guys are always fighting, threatening each others lives, and collectively ignoring me. That’s love, Right?” Twistaloo was momentarily confused when Diamond face-hoofed in pity or sympathy before DT momentarily wondered why she was surrounded by idiots. Granted, that last bit wasn’t really stated out loud, that was just an impression Binky observed and inferred from what little he knew of the stalwart snark invader.

“Uuuuuuhm, not exactly.” Scootaloo started-

“You mean my parents weren’t in love then?” Twistaloo asked having momentarily recovered some memory of her previous life, albeit lacking depth and range of cognitive complexity when observed through rose colored lenses.

Scootaloo wasn’t certain whether or not she should be more concerned for Twist or Binky. All of a sudden Scootaloo felt a thump, like a heartbeat.

“GASP! I felt that you little pervert.” Binky grumbled in accusatory tone that sounded like he was going to knock some-pony upside the head. Not to mention this was spoken rather clearly. Especially considering Binky had a candy-apple lollipop in his mouth, and not the kind typically used as a tongue depressant, nor was it your average jaw breaker on a stick as the case may be, but the green lolly was one of the really kinky kinds of suckers that resembled a tootsie pop with the Cadbury, bon-bon, cordial, cherry, or caramel cream filling.

“Wait, I didn’t-” Scootaloo stopped. It only took Scootaloo a moment to realize Binky must have screwed up when severing their link. Given the delivery god’s record of service; incompetence was par for the course. It might also explain why the loyalties of her conscious ego state seemed to flip-flop on occasion, like between entering Sugarcube Corner and sitting down at the table. Then again, Diamond wasn’t exactly the best of frienemies on her worst days and it wasn’t like she owed Diamond Tiara any allegiance or stewardship beyond the assistance she offered her classmate earlier.

“Not you, her.” Binky pointed indicating Twist with a withering glare. Then, with the almighty force of exposition Binky explained the situation for those less than enlightened with gusto. “Anything Twist feels backlashes on to me, you know?’

“Cool! So if I pinch myself would you feel it?” Twist seemed rather excited to experiment with the limits of her new found power over the almighty god Binky. Like a cat that discovered canaries for the first time, she picked up a peppermint stick and shoved it up her nose so see if poking her brain like a piñata would give her any bright ideas. She had momentarily considered sticking the peppermint stick in one of her ears, but immediately dismissed that idea out of grasp because she wouldn’t be able to see what she was doing.

“If I punch her in the face would you feel it?” Diamond Tiara smirked with a determined look accompanied by an' evil grin as she momentarily contemplated her revenge, then almost felt guilty about it as she stole a glance towards Twistaloo. A being that seemed completely oblivious as she used a peppermint stick to pick at the inside of her nose while a bubble formed out the other nostril. Diamond almost felt guilty. But, the thought of retributive justice was one too enticing to pass up, especially after she watched Twist pull the pepermint stick out of her nose covered in slime with a daffy cross eyed look on her face, as if she’d discovered the last bit of gold on the planet.

Binky gave Diamond Tiara a half lidded stare “No! No-pony’s punching anyone. And-” Binks then pulled the lollypop out of his mouth and pointed it like the accusing wand of a conductor towards his first chair “FOR THE LOVE OF CANDYCANES, Get that stupid thing out of your mouth! You’ll get a staff infection you daffy horse’s asp.” Binky, currently occupying Diamond’s physical body and using it like a track suit, was of course referring to the poisonous snake as she proceeded to wrestle the peppermint stick out of Twist’s grasp.

“**GASP** you can’t say Ass! You’re not even a donkey.” Came a horrified voice from over by the cash register as another customer made an even more shocking revelation. “The other one didn’t even wash her hooves before leaving the bathroom.” more hushed whispers shortly followed a third exclamation of “The tramps!” Of course since no one could actually see Twistaloo, lacking a physical body and all, it appeared for all intents and purposes that Diamond Tiara was humping or grinding on the leg of a chair, while wearing a beanie, and gesticulating with a peppermint stick and had a rather phallic lollipop in her mouth. Fortunately, the real Diamond Tiara lacked the imagination or cognitive complexity to perceive this or she would be mortified. Instead she was wearing an impish grin as she watched the two earth ponies wrestle.

“Uh, boss…” Scootaloo ventured, despite knowing Binky was preoccupied. Under normal circumstances the anthropomorphic embodiment of death and his imperial arms (weapons that is) would go completely unnoticed unless they chose to interact within the confines of a niche group or appear out the corner of one’s eye. By their very nature as Djinn they should have been imperceptible to the naked eye unless the other person was magically gifted or extremely depressed to the point of being irritable or in pain. Which, given the nature of the dirty looks directed towards the Stalwart Snark Invaders, pretty much certified their audience was not in the best frame of mind. The whispers then seemed to stop as Sugarcube Corner fell into a void of silence so hollow you could hear a pin drop.

The silence, however, was short lived as the ‘hot crossed buns rendition of work your twerking as performed by the dust bunny space men and Thrackerzod’ ring tone could be heard clear as day accompanied by “You like that don’t you-” and followed shortly by “Hullo! You’ve reached the awl mighty God Binky…alright…alright…okay.” Binky had seemingly pulled a red compact out of subspace and was talking into it after the brief instrumental. He then looked at Twist, who was in a prone, supine, missionary position beneath her god and - “Twist, we’re gone!” looking at Scootaloo “Scuttlebutt, escort McFattington here to-”

“Call me McFattington again,” Enough was enough. And, Diamond wasn’t going to put up with this clown anymore as Binky started to wink out of the way of her assault, for lack of a better term, with a hastily prepared teleport.

“Oh no ya don’t! You’re not ditching me here with-.” Scootaloo complained indicating the harsh glares of the customers as she dog piled onto the teleport. Something about being a spectral apparition made the speed of light much closer to a snails pace, or at the very least closer to the speed of sound.

Simultaneous cries of “Them” and “I dare you!” rang out as the four fillies magically flashed back into existence in a park plaza somewhere in Canterlot proper. Diamond wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t part of Celestia’s private garden.

“WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SO HEAVY!” Binky complained as he was feeling both the weight of everyone on top of him and the weight of everyone on top of Twist.

“We all Just ate, you moron.” Diamond huffed, but managed to break free of the encumbrance of Scootaloo and Binky. If she didn’t know better she could have sworn Scootaloo intended to give her a black eye.

“Some of us more than others McFattington. What did you think would happen?” Scootaloo growled as she untangled herself from Diamond Tiara and Twist.

“Again!!! Again!” Twist certainly seemed to be enjoying herself like a toddler as she clapped her fore hooves together excitedly.

The fillies then quickly found themselves surrounded on all sides by guard.

“Damn! I knew this was a setup!” Binky farted, because he really was a butt faced god.

“Well, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree-”came a crisp clear voice from the shadows.

“Oh no, anyone but her.” Binky whined as his eyes opened wide enough to be filled by the light of the moon.

“Could it be?” Diamond asked her voice filled with awe.

“Hashtag learning, hastag wisdom, tweet, and trending…” the voice continued.

“Ooh Pretty!” Were the only words that came to Twist’s mind in that moment.

“!” Scootaloo’s tank instincts kicked in as she rushed forward to draw fire “Oh dear God she’s finally gone cray-cray… again.” Scootaloo definitely knew a sick smile when she saw one.

“Yes, Someone spare us from the anachronistic slang baby’s kick.” Binky grumbled. “Who are you supposed to be anyway, my mommy?” he asked their patron defiantly.

“Such a godly aura!” Diamond Tiara felt moved to bow before Princess Luna as deeply as she could on three legs

“So Shiney!” Twist commented on Luna’s appearance, evidently cut to the teeth in her armor, as she did likewise and bowed before the great lady of the evening.

“Hey! I’m right here you know. I don’t see you groveling at my feet.” Binky complained.

“Yeah. Well- Fake god’s don’t count, looser.” Diamond Tiara commented.

“Indeed, it is pressing. To be such a popular God with SOOO many followers to please.” Princess Luna then smirked evilly.

“Eh oh, I think some-pony’s in trouble” Twist commented.

“Why did you summon me here?” Binky asked indignantly.

“Oh yes, about that…” Luna began. It was only then that Diamond looked up as she realized Binky was still wearing her body.

Author's Note

A/N: Thankfully we're almost at a point where I can fill in more original content. I was originally going to use Fancy Pants instead of Princess Luna as the sub to Lord Tenjin but Wanderer D pointed out that lords and wealth are not of simmilar status. Even though I'm pretty sure Peerage can be purchased in a fantasy setting based on comics like Doonesbury, I didn't want to have to concern myself with creating much backstory for shallow characters who act as a deus ex machina. Not that Luna is a shallow character, but as this is a parody of a parody, within parody, I figured you can't have too many levels of inception or you'll forget the theme entirely... which has to do with loyalty to a tyrant, narcissistic grandiosity, being delusional, and other fun things like that. Also I will get to Parasyte eventually and I'm still definately substituting Bishamonton (god of war) with Fluttershy and have designs on a parasyte possessed Angel Bunny, after all something needs to go after Twist's kidney. And, Vinyl is subbing for Kofuku (god of poverty) and Octavia will be her regalia (the battle fan, but if anyone can give a good argument or suggestions for blunt force wub I'm all ears)

White Noise

Binky’s Friend: Hyperacusis
Chapter 7
White Noise

“Why did you summon me here?” Binky asked indignantly.

“Oh yes, about that…” Luna began. A small black velveteen bag containing 3000bits surrounded in aura of gentian violet was tossed at Binky’s feet. A third of the contents spilling out as the shoestring tie came undone. It landed with a metallic shroot sound, roughly one foot from Binky, as a few of the escaped bits rolled a little ways, worming in assorted directions before only one remained on edge long enough to touch base with Binky’s right hoof.

Binky whistled “Whoa, looks like some-pony’s got a lot of wishes.” the anthropomorphic embodiment of death seemed to admire the mess of shiny bits scattered on the pavement before him more than any he had ever fished out of a wishing well.

“You‘re known as the pacifier. Am I correct?” Luna asked as if she was trying to confirm something.

“I go by many names, and have many faces.” Binky attempted to sound cryptic, but with Tiara’s voice it sounded more like a hollow peep.

Luna took a sidelong glance at Diamond Tiara and Twistaloo who were still prostrating themselves before her in a an almost playful downward dog position. “I can see that. You are aware ,,God’s Possession” isn’t a toy?”

“I got permission!” Binky stated this in a manner similar to a child from a broken home that had robbed Peter to pay Paul by asking Rock to play role.

Diamond’s ears seemed to perk up in shock at this statement and she quickly came to a standing position of attention “Don’t listen to this creep!” Diamond Tiara attempted to point at Binky with an accusing hoof and a withering glare. Sadly, her balance was destabilized due to her currently missing limb. Not to mention this lead to Diamond’s immediate downfall. As such, the filly’s astral form immediately fell flat on her snoot, and Diamond Tiara almost bit her tongue. “Celestia Damn it!” Diamond pushed herself up with her left arm as she gritted her teeth, quite a feat considering she just ate pavement. “This screwball just wants to disguise himself using my body.” Diamond snarled in a manner hunched over as she tried to regain her footing in tripod mode.

“As you can see I have only one follower,” pointing at Tiara and Twist with her right arm “Besides, you know as well as I do a God such as myself may have need of a paladin or blessed vessel at any time.” Binky failed to mention that the one follower was not Diamond Tiara as that would definitely open up a can of ear worms he did not want hammered home in the royal Canterlot voice. “I can’t help it if her wish wasn’t more specific.”

Binky then quickly put down his right front leg as eyeballs seemed to creep into existence with an asynchronous blink. To say Luna was surprised to see a physical manifestation of blight or phage in the frog and fetlock of the squirrelly young god’s hoof was disturbing. The fact that they wriggled around to get a better look at, if not to inspect the surrounding area with, soft signs of sapience and lightning fast reflexes gave her the chills. Then again if the limb was a late addition to the foals body, and judging by the specter of Diamond Tiara’s astral form that appeared to be the case, it wouldn’t be the first time a god tried to remain on the corporeal side of the far shore by playing corrupt a wish.

“Gaurds! Borderline. NOW!” Having captured the attention of the night guard Luna Continued “Concentrate your barriers around the pacifier.”

Two Pegasus ponies who had been circling overhead, namely Captain Tylor and Batsy Fuffentuft, came out of nowhere as they landed silently and created a defensive line between the delivery god and their Princess. The later of which lacking any semblance of discipline called out “Surprise Bitch!” Captain Tylor’s appearance wasn’t any more remarkable than Batsy’s, although he was wearing a smiley face as he approached.

“Hey! Listen! That’s no way to treat a friend.” Binky’s voice having the strangled quality of an annoying fairy (or amorous hedgehog) did nothing instill the princess with any level of sympathy for the devil.

“Thou art barely a louse and friend to none little smeerp-.” The chord of Luna’s voice rung cold with a half lidded stare. Binky backed away from the clearly deranged alicorn flight guard and their unhappy monarch in what was left of Diamond‘s body.

Considering a snake bite had left a certain filly’s body poisoned and terminally depressed, if not mostly dead on arrival, the flurry of movement and the revelation of additional unicorn reinforcements (charging up what looked a little more complicated than the telekinesis spell for airing dirty laundry) did nothing to rattle the anthropomorphic embodiment of death‘s nerves any further. “A little help here would be nice.”

An exasperated “Fine” was followed by a sigh of resignation. Scootaloo, having gone mostly unnoticed by the alicorn and the other guard due to her negative presence, lack of a soul, and more than likely the Excalibur face she was currently wearing, whether as a result of an intentional flaw in her design or the incomplete separation from Binky; was not a happy camper. Still, the fact remains, Luna had completely forgotten about the bastard weapon of her current target. The how of it all as complete a mystery as Pinkie Pie’s out of frame teleportation ability. Perhaps it was plot convenience that contrived this happenstance, if only to drop a duce on the titanic while taking note of how completely unnecessary butt holes to the underlying process

Seeing as Luna had personally visited the cutie mark crusaders individually, in spite of her MANY followers, one might expect a little recognition of the stalwart snark invader. Not that it would have particularly mattered considering practically any weapon more spectacular than the belt of truth, or the mythril pebble of pig smiting, in the metaphorical hands of a god carried with it the awesome force of natural and logical consequences. Scootaloo grumbled something along the lines of “I hope you get a yeast infection.” Before transforming into something a bit more useful than a blackjack in what would almost certainly be a pyrrhic victory for Binky (if not a draw) something unexpected happened. Ideally, Scootaloo would have been more useful than a blackjack had the energy she materialized into between transitioning from spearhead to pegasus not been pushed out of the way, if not deflected as she folded like a paper doll. With seemingly cosmic force, at a speed just short of the physics of bullet time lasers, a horseshoe collared the unfinished blade and spiked it to the ground with an impact along her choil and ricasso.

As they approached silently from the rear with more grace than their captain and his latest subby, the bat winged pegasi Sunshine and Frolic acted as a boundary to the rear. One that should have effectively kept Binky in his present location as three walls of blue light converged to create a prison of crystallized electricity that would lock the possessed body in place long enough for Luna to perform an exorcism…assuming aforementioned horseshoe hadn’t effectively killed the filly wearing the propeller beanie slowing only after it had severed her cervical vertebrae with the force of a butcher’s knife on its journey through her trachea, vocal cords, thyroid, and those three little bones that operated as an exoskeleton for her esophagus. For one to argue the horseshoe had moved with the spin of an errant boomerang as it happened to both bloodlessly and quickly burst through the blood-bone barrier like a circular saw, in order to pin and collar a bolt of lightning would be exaggerating.

To say Diamond Tiara was speechless as she observed the scene of her body’s encounter with the glue maker for want of a nail. With an intensely horrified look of troubled interest pasted onto her face as the light in her eyes slowly drew a blank stare, the warm glow of her features starting to cool as blood flowed with an evil hiss of a sprinkler or kinked hose before her body just sort of collapsed head first onto the broken and naked blade that had moments before resembled something akin to ball lightning. An arrowhead that was bent at a peculiar angle, sticking out of the ground, folded under the horseshoe that had slain Binky, and effectively stapled itself into the ground with impact fractures, did not make the scene of a rail spike being effectively driven through her head any less traumatic. She wanted to scream, she would have screamed, if her consciousness wasn’t slowly fading like the world around her as it was enshrouded in ebon darkness… then there was a soft glow that seemed to envelop her as her body faded into transparency. Was this it, was this the light of the afterlife coming forth to carry her home, or-

“MUAH HA HA HA HA HA! I did it, I’m free! FREE AT LAST! Discord, Princess Luna, Celestia, and their holier than thou acolytes can go suck my lollypops in hell.” a familiar voice crowed in triumph. “End class my hairy butt. I’d like to see someone else figure out how to launch a missile blindfolded from 400 paces, let alone stop a lightning bolt and execute a seven layered spell with a blood rite.”

“Jeepers Binky, at least wait until you’re out of earshot before-” Scootaloo started to say as she rematerialized, that is to say converted back into energy before transmogrifying into a pony while she approached the source of maniacal laughter a few feet from where Diamond Tiara’s dead body had been moments before. Just as a green cylinder of light and an electric blue triangle encased the body in a crystal prism before it vanished the leg on Diamond‘s extra celestial entity started to rematerialize. Scootaloo probably would have continued but gulped when she realized Princess Luna and the night guard were still very much present.

“Binky!?” The filly seemed surprised. “SHEEP HERDING PRIESTS! I knew this ship would happen…” The mage who would be an alicorn if it weren’t for extenuating circumstances that kept her from leaving a stable time loop, in a alternate universe where you could literally make sense of nonsense, wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to be Scootaloo’s ‘sissy’ or ‘binky’ in this case. The very thought sent chills down her spine and not in a good way. Naturally, her immediate thoughts on filly foolery were that she needed a perverted girlfriend like she needed a blackjack and a box of chicken nuggets. Fortunately, these thoughts were quickly halted as she was dog piled by Luna’s night guard. Who, whether by means magical or scientific managed to subdue their target and knock her unconscious.

It was at this moment that Diamond Tiara awoke in a pool of her own blood. She wasn’t suffocating, she was drowning in a manner similar to a fish in polluted waters. If she could move she might get to a bathtub and finish the job. Trying to breathe, or at the very least move when your blood was on fire, your intestines were being eaten alive, and every bone in your body felt broken was not exactly something one wanted to experience without something to dull the pain. She couldn’t even call for help, and being paralyzed did nothing to help her fall asleep as the adrenaline was keeping her at high alert. She was breathing, but she had no voluntary control over the process otherwise she would have held her breath until she could pass out or explode. She could blink and look around what appeared to be her bedroom. Along with this ability came uncomfortable questions about whether or not the nightmare with Binky was preferable to the conscious awareness that she was obviously bitten by a snake, that she was effectively trapped in her own body, and she was crying.

‘Oh, just perfect!’ complained a hallowed voice that was creepy and weird and left Diamond so incredibly happy she wasn’t alone anymore she let out an involuntary excited peep (with a flatulent smile on her face as she clicked her tongue) before her body started to spasm and cough and make other assorted wet noises. ‘How the bleep am I supposed to fix this smeerp, even if I do something her body will just die eventually anyway.’

There was a long pause, Diamond wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. It was obvious they weren’t connected well enough to communicate on even the most basic emotional level. She could hear Binky’s thoughts, but considering he was a shallow pool and she was a dry well there wasn‘t much witty dialog filtering around like a butterfly in the sky. Diamond Tiara briefly wondered why Binky didn’t talk to himself like a normal crazy person so she wouldn’t be alone anymore when she involuntarily gasped.

‘I got it!’ Binky’s excitement was contagious, even if it was short lived when he started projecting his thoughts again ‘Fun ways to die. So many fun ways to die… fun ways to dye aye-eye, so many fun ways to die!’ Binky continued to sing this song to himself as Diamond rolled her eyes with a resigned grimace. She’d be laughing hysterically if she could. one thing was certain about her final thoughts before the facsimile of death claimed her…or at the very least let her go. What she was thinking started with an F and ended with U. The only thing worse than the song was the imagery accompanying it...

Author's Note

Not much to say, this story will continue indefinitely. But first, I probably should probably clean up Applebloom 1/2 and write up another chapter for Seduction of the innocent.