Jerry Riggs: Equestrian Playground

by Dustchu

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Adventure, Human
Length: 3283

Jerry Riggs is your average psychotic genius, his weapons, a tool belt, his mind and parkour. Let's see how Equestria handles him.

Jerry Riggs is a guy with an odd mind and skill set hailing from the city of New Port, but he's not your average kinda person. Armed with a tool belt, a vast knowledge of mechanics and parkour, he's landed in the world of Equestria after tinkering around in his basement.

Now he must find a way back home, with the help of a lovely and maybe slightly psychotic mare known as Lyra, all the while being chased down by enemies old and new, getting into crazy situations, and finding magical unbreakable bottles for some reason.

Will they survive this perilous journey? Will Lyra ever get to touch his lovely hands? And for the love of god, will they ever find out what happened to Celestia's missing cake?! Let's find out!

Written by: Dustchu
MLP:FIM belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
I own only my OC's and certain elements.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-02 16:06:06 UTC

Tin Can Bombs, Forest Fires, And Pockets.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

New Port City - Glendale District

"Stab this thing, put that thing into that thing's hole, connect this thing and BOOM!"

Such is a day in the life of a psychotic.

Today we find ourselves in a tiny basement filled to the brim with scrap metal, wires, buckets, tin cans, sporks, more wires, a stuffed plushie of some small blue police box, glass, circuit boards, and other junk. In the middle of all of this sat a young man, dressed in a black hoodie with neon blue stripes that appeared to glow bright in the dimly lit hole, a pair of beat up jeans with knee pads, a tool belt filled with more junk then one would care to count, dirty white sneakers and a pair of gloves, a small backpack rested by his side.

His name... was Jerry Riggs.

A pair of steampunk-esque goggles were over his eyes as he eyed the small device on his desk. A rusted tin can with wires snaking around it, a small circuit board was inside of it with some other electronics and he was carefull-

*BANG BANG SMASH*

Okay, maybe not so carefully trying to put it together, whatever it was... was important... I think.

He lifted it up after screwing in one last screw, he then closed the top of it and flipping a switch on the side, listened to it hum to life. A grin broke out on his face as he lifted his goggles, showing icy blue eyes. "Alright, fuck yeah." He said, lifting it up. "Now let's see those Tentacles try me now with my sweet ass tin can bomb!" He picked up his backpack with a smile.

Unbeknownst to him, he had flipped another switch on the side, this one that would detonate it.

A beeping sound cut him off from further celebration as he eyed the can, his grin replaced with a frown. "Oh cru-"

*BOOOOOOM*

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

Griffon Kingdom - Talon Mountain Dig Site

"Miss Lyra, have you finished yet?" A griffon questioned in a tired tone as he looked over at the dig site. Years ago this used to be a griffon resort, but after a few incidents involving Diamond Dogs, it was shut down and had been condemned, left to rot... that is, until a certain mint green unicorn had traveled to the Griffon Kingdom to search the resort's grounds, restlessly digging up the ground in search of... something, he wasn't sure.

Lyra Heartstrings looked back at the griffon, her clothes stained with dirt and her hat askew. She looked like somepony out of a Daring Do novel. "No I'm not done yet," she breathed out, sighing heavily as she set her shovel aside. "Though a break does sound lovely right now." With a grunt she climbed out of the hole she was in and sat down near it,  pulling out a canteen and opening the cap before glugging down half the contents.

The griffon sighed, he had no idea why he bothered with this mare. "May I ask, what it is you're looking for out here?" He questioned as he gestured with a talon at the resort's grounds. The buildings were decrepit, falling apart and rotting away form the elements. Vines had overtaken half of the still standing buildings, while some trees had brought down a gazebo. "This place has nothing of interest, why do you bother?"

"Because Mr. Laslow," Lyra started, putting away her canteen as she pointed at the hole in the ground. "From what I was able to dig up back in Canterlot, this used to be a human settlement some ten thousand years ago." She explained. "I'm trying to find proof they existed."

Silence... which was broken by laughter from the winged being behind her.

"You can't be serious!?" His accent reminded her of the stuck up nobles from Canterlot, and she didn't like it. "Humans are an old mare's tale, they don't exist silly pony. You're only wasting your time here." He chided the pony, making a tsk tsk tsk sound with his tongue. "This is no time for playing jokes."

She turned on him, her eyes boring into his own. "Maybe they're an old mare's tale to you, but to me, they exist!" Lyra's tone was snappy, and she wasn't in the mood for somepony else to make fun of her for her dream of finding humans. Lyra frowned at him, her eyes narrowed and stance threatening.

Lazlow chuckled once more before taking flight. "Well, I'll leave you to your fairy tale Ms. Heartstrings, hehehehehehee!" He giggled as he flapped his wings and took flight, flying away somewhere, leaving Lyra alone.

Once he was gone, Lyra collapsed onto the ground. Her head buried in her hooves, light sniffles escaped her as she wrenched her eyes shut. Bastard. She cursed, with another sniffle she stood back up, wiping her eyes and turning back to the hole. So far she had dug three feet and hadn't found anything, but this was just one of many holes in her search grid. Looking around she looked at her grid, long bright yellow strings were attached to small poles sticking out of the ground, with a small flag placed in each one.

She had come up into these mountains on a whim from a note her grandfather left in his old notebook. About learning of an old human settlement that had once been here tens of thousands of years ago. Her grandfather, Celestia rest his soul had been searching for years to uncover proof... now here she was, following in his hoofsteps.

A sigh escaped her as she picked up her shovel and folded it up, placing it in her knapsack on her back and taking off her hat. "Now what?" She wondered.

She was about to get her answer.

*BOOOOOOM*

To say she was shocked was an understatement, Lyra's heard explosions before but this one was loud, and quite close. Looking out into the forest dotting the mountain landscape, she saw a pillar of smoke rising from the forest nearby, and heard screams, well... more like curses then anything else.

Somepony's in trouble! She hitched up her knapsack, and focusing her magic she measured the distance of the forest from her current position. And with a pop, she disappeared in a golden flash.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

"Bloody Grandar balls!" Our human friend, Jerry was in quite a pickle... no, not an actual pickle, he was in trouble-ish. Jerry had landed somewhere in a forest that reminded him of his time on a planet called Sobo, which was nothing but woodlands all round, he didn't like it at all because there was no Zombie-King in sight. I'm hungry now. Every part of him was wishing he could be home eating a burger. Jerry was standing in the woods, face to face with an odd looking beast made of wood. It looked like a wolf, with glowing green eyes and made entirely of tree bark. "Can set on fire?" He pondered, reaching into a small compartment on the bottom of his pack.

Just then the wolf charged, howling a call as he leapt at Jerry, mouth opened wide in a snarl.

Jerry's eyes widened and he crouched low rolling out of the way as he pulled out several things from his pack. A can of hairspray, a lighter, and duct tape. Moving fast he quickly taped the lighter just below the spray button and flicked the lighter open, and striking it a flame caught and he turned around. "I has fire!" He yelled, pressing down on the spray button and spewing out flames.

Now maybe you're wondering. That can't work! How can he do that? Logic! Well, this is a fanfiction... yes the author broke the fourth wall, because he's a faggot.

"Stop it author!" Jerry yelled, still using his homemade flamethrower to attack the bark wolf. It had dodged the flame several times, only its hind legs catching flame before it deftly put them out by rolling on the ground. Smart one he is. Jerry growled, running forward and pressing down on the button again, sending another plume of flames at the wolf. Instead he hit a tree, setting it ablaze and making several birds fly away in fear. Then, his spray bottle ran out. "Damn it!" He cursed as his flamethrower died on him. Ripping the lighter off he tossed the can aside, placing the lighter back in his pack as he eyed the wolf.

Which now had a buddy.

Okay, Analysis time. It's big, almost as big as an Arctic wolf, made entirely of wood, its eyes are glowing green, so it's either some kind of black magic or this is a natural thing. Eyeing the wolves he reached into his pack, feeling around for something to help him. Jerry had many things in his pack that could help, but he had no idea what these things weaknesses were. They're too fast for me to use a flame attack, or maybe... hmm... He felt his hand grab a handle, specifically one with a duct taped handle. Time to go hand to hand I suppose. In one swift movement he draw the handle out, and it was...

A lead pipe... exciting right?

To anyone else it was a regular lead pipe, but to Jerry Riggs, it was his best weapon. It was a simple looking foot long lead pipe with a duct taped handle and a caped bottom. He was about to use it, when he heard a piercing noise...

A girlish squee.

All three creatures looked over to where it had come from and Jerry, being slow which was unusual, was tackled by a mint green blur. He yelped as he felt his ribs shake and his pipe fell out of his hands, with a thud both landed in a heap as the creature that tackled him continued to squee. "You're real! You're a human! You're real!"

"Yeah, I tend to get that a lot." He choked, trying to pry the creature off, now that he got a good look at it, he saw it was a unicorn with a mint green coat, a long horn and a two tone colored mane and tail.

"And you talk?! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!" She squealed again, hugging him tightly as if he were about to teleport away. She couldn't believe it! A real live talking human!

"Ummm." Jerry groaned, fidgeting where he was lying. "As much as I love getting hugs, I'd rather not die from one." He said, grabbing her head and with much pain - on her part mostly - turned her head around and pointed at the wolves.

Her eyes grew wide. "Timberwolves!" She cried, scrambling over the human and getting into a defensive stance in front of him. Her horn lit afire with a golden blaze, her tattered clothing falling away in strips. "Stay back!" She ordered Jerry, who was busy ignoring her and trying to find his pipe.

Jerry scrambled across the ground, moving leaves and sticks to find his precious weapon. Dang it dang it dang it! He kept looking as the wolves snarled and growled, closing in around them. He had almost lost hope, but he found the pipe, buried under some leaves, with a triumphant, "Yes!" He stood up and held his pipe forward in a fighter's stance. "You want some!"

Lyra looked over at Jerry, noting his weapon she frowned, raising an eyebrow. "You're... going to attack a Timberwolf, with a lead pipe?" She asked, wondering just what kind of human she ran across.

"Not just any lead pipe my sweet!" He cackled, looking at the hilt he moved a small cylindrical dial near the top, and pressing a small red button a blade shot out of the pipe, extending two feet and effectively turning the pipe into a short sword. Then he flipped a small switch, making the blade catch fire. "But my Riggs Sword!" He laughed as the fires swirled up the blade, it felt hot but the handle had a special built in feature to keep the flames from spreading beyond the blade, and keep the wielder from getting harmed.

Watching the sword with fascination, Lyra was about to ask how it worked when one of the wolves howled again. "He's going to call in more of them, we have to take them out!" With a cry she charged forward, attacking the one on the left, leaving Jerry to attack the one of the right.

Lyra proved herself to be a very good fighter, as every time the wolf attempted to strike her with its claws she would jump back and fire off a quick spell from her horn, hitting it in the legs or head. The wolf kept getting angry and tried biting next, snapping its massive bark jaws at her legs, only for her to counter with another type of spell that kicked up dirt and turned it into a hard projectile which she launched at the wolf.

And Jerry, well, he didn't rely on tact often, for he was the type to swing first, swing later, then eat some cake. But now, he was feeling majestic today. He attacked the wolf with swift movements, swinging his sword in from the left, then the right leaving a trail of flames in the air, he would continue swinging faster and faster, the trail of flames becoming like a blur in the air around the human. It was beautiful, in a way. He swung downward next, his sword hitting its mark on the wolf's head as Jerry pressed another button on his sword, making the fire grow bigger and more fierce as he swung again, hitting it in the side making it stumble as it caught flame.

Both human and Unicorn fought the wolves, using their own unique attacks and patterns to confuse the wolves. Unknowingly to both, they were admiring each other's attacks and movements with keen eyes.

Deciding to end the battle, Jerry twirled his sword in one hand and brought it down blade first on the Timberwolf's head, smashing it into pieces as the flame quickly ate away at the magically infused bark. It exploded into a fiery rain of bark and flames, and Jerry stood back, taking a stance as he twirled his sword, flicking the switch and turning it off before tossing it into the air, a smirk on his face as he wiped his nose. "Damn I'm good."

Just as he finished his attack, Lyra had already sent the other Timberwolf flying away with a strong force push. It sailed through the air with a pitiful howl before crashing into a tree, smashing into pieces like its brother. She breathed a sigh, taking her own stance standing tall and proud. "Another one bites the dust." She muttered.

Both took a few breaths before looking at one another.

"Good game," Jerry said, nodding as he pressed another button on his sword making the blade disappear into the pipe. "Good game."

She smiled, nodding. I guess that means, 'Good job' in his people's culture. With another sigh she looked around her, noticing the trees were smoldering and were falling apart from their fight. Oh boy.

"Say, Unicorn lady." Jerry asked. "Have any clue where I am?"

Lyra turned back to him. "Yeah, I know where you are. You're in the Griffon Kingdom, specifically Talon Mountain." She told him, looking at what remained of her clothing. Great, there about forty bits, jeez. Those were expensive, apparently.

"Talon Mountain, in the Griffon Kingdom?" Jerry hummed in thought, putting his pipe back into his knapsack. He had never heard of such a place. He knew all about Griffons from his Grandpa, who told him he had met one during his travels in his younger years. But he never heard of Griffon Kingdom, or Talon Mountain. "Can't say I've heard of this place before."

"Well, I'm going to assume you're not from around here?" She asked, Lyra was about to add onto that when she heard a horn sound from somewhere nearby. Her eyes widened. "Uh oh."

"What's that? Dinner horn? I could go for some grub, I am famished." He said, smiling at the prospect of getting some food. The last thing he had eaten was string cheese and spray cheese... at the same time. He needed to get something else into his system.

"Listen, we can get you food later, right now we have to run!" Lyra told him, frantically looking for an escape route. Maybe she could teleport them out to safety?

"But... but dinner horn?"

"That is not a dinner horn, that is a fire horn, and they are coming here to put out the fire! I'd rather not be thrown into jail because we started a fire!" Lyra yelled at him, pointing up into the skies where they both witnessed several griffons and a flying ship had started to descend. "We have to run!" She told him, looking back at him...

Only to see he was already gone a trail of dust lingering in the air.

"Run for the hills! I ain't going to jail!" Jerry bellowed from somewhere deep in the woods, already blazing a trail for Lyra, who galloped close behind him.

-ooo000=+=000ooo-

One Hour Later

After running for nearly an hour, both had come to a stop near a river that ran down the mountain. Crystal clear water with a few fish swimming in it, trying in vain to swim upstream. Several green trees were spread out the small clearing they were standing in, trying to catch their breath. Patches of grass dotted the ground with patches of dirt in between, and a few birds flew overhead. It was peaceful.

"Ballocks!" Jerry cursed, falling onto his back with a groan of pain. "Haven't had to run like that since... since... what was it?" He wondered, rubbing his chin. "Ah! The Krasti, man they were annoying." He groaned again, sitting up with a sigh.

Lyra, meanwhile, was captivated by him. Her golden eyes scanning his body head to toe in a way a scientist would examine a particularly unique cell in the body, or a birdwatcher would scan the skies for a rainbow colored bird that was said to be rare. She examined him, her eyes checking out his beat up shoes, a pair of old looking sneakers, to the pair of jeans with holes in the knees. Around his waist Lyra saw he was wearing a tool belt, a myriad of tools from screw drivers and hammers, and duct tape filled the pouches, then her eyes traveled up to his torso, to his open zip hoodie that had translucent glowing stripes of neon blue running down the arms and torso and the hood itself, then she saw the backpack, which was likewise filled with items she couldn't fathom as to their purpose, an a closer look she could see it was crafted out of something.

Jerry looked at her, his blue eyes finding her golden ones. They locked eyes, both seemingly trying to figure out who's who. Jerry smirked slightly. "Yeah?" He asked, no doubt she was wondering something.

She seemed startled that he was addressing her, but she soon cleared her throat. "Um, I was just wondering, what is your name?" She held out her hoof, "My name is Lyra Heartstrings."

Smiling, Jerry took her hoof in his hand, his gloved fingers making her hoof and foreleg tingle from the contact. "My name is Jerry, Jerry Riggs."

The unicorn smiled back. "Well Jerry... it's nice to meet you."