Cardboard Goes to Equestria
"Is that guy just wearing a cardboard box?"
"I've heard of quick-costumes, but that's just lazy."
"Pfft, IGN says ten-outta-ten."
"Eh, I'd make fun of that, but his costume is definitely better than mine. All I'm wearing is lame Hulk-abs shirt."
You pathetic heretic fools. You could never appreciate the magnificence of cardboard! You are blinded by your ignorance to even see the true potential of cardboard!
Cardboard is what gives life meaning. Cardboard is what keeps life functional. If cardboard did not exist, we would all still be living in the stone-age, throwing rocks and feces at each other like cave-men.
I hope to one day show the entire world the beauty of cardboard. We could finally get rid of the stupid houses, and live in cardboard. We could finally get rid of stupid clothing and wear cardboard. We could get rid of the media, crime, television shows, and the government, and do nothing but worry about our cardboard.
But alas, it could never be. I do not nearly have enough power to change the world for the better. I had hope to collaborate with Google, seeing as they as well, know the purpose of cardboard, with their brilliant idea to integrate it to modern day society. I had mailed them cardboard letters everyday about their ingenious invention, Google Cardboard, and how it was the perfect way for society to slowly accept cardboard into their lives, before we would replace everything in the world with cardboard! Sadly, they never replied.
"Excuse me sir, are you ok? You've been staring at my booth with that evil look on your face for the past half hour."
The voice of a man in front of me that I did not notice called my attention, knocking me out of my rant about the glorious cardboard.
I had forgotten that I was in a public place, a convention to be precise. I was at Generic Setting Comic-Con 2016. I had came here from the urging of my friends, Bob 2, The Other Bob, and Bob That I Hate. Although I was not one to partake in social settings such as these, I thought it would have been a wondrous idea to fulfill my fantasy of being cardboard.
Thus, I showed up in an amazing cardboard costume. Make fun of me all you want, ignorant plebeians. You would never feel true enlightenment like I have. The true enlightening feeling of cardboard came to me during a lonely night four years ago-
"Hey, you know that guy has been staring at you for the past five minutes." A customer cosplaying as Batman pointed at the strange, grinning guy wearing a cardboard box.
"I know, I'm trying to ignore him. It's just, that face of his, it really freaks me out." The merchant replied back in a hushed tone.
They both glanced at the strange man just as his weird morbid grin got even wider.
"Should I get security?" The Batman cosplayer asked.
"No no, he hasn't done anything yet. He's probably interested in buying something, but too socially awkward to approach me." He cleared his throat, "Ahem, anyway, what can I get you?"
"Ah, you see, I bought this Batman costume online, but it didn't come with the utility belt for some reason. I noticed that you have the belt in that storage box of yours-"
-and then my parents disowned me. But that was a story for another time.
Where was I? Oh, right. I distracted myself with pointless self-exposition again. Such a bad habit of mine. I had almost forgotten why I came here.
Bob That I Hate, twin brother of The Other Bob, gave me money and asked me to find and bring back food for the group. A pointless and boring task, but it was a good opportunity to show off my brilliant cardboard costume to the world, and possibly attract other cardboard lovers like me.
I looked around the area to find any food booths or attractive female cardboard, but there was only one booth that really stood out to me, the one that was in front of me that had a giant sign with neon lighting which said, "Magic MacGuffin's Magic MacGuffins: Props and Clothing that'll take you out of this world!"
I was just about to scoff at the ridiculous name and leave to find another booth, before I double-taked and notice this amazingly wonderful piece of cardboard!
It was beautiful. The most awe-inspiring thing I've ever seen in my entire life. If there was a god that took form as cardboard, this cardboard would be it! I never thought I would say it, but no amount of cardboard in the world could ever compare to the cardboard that I see before my very eyes!
I MUST HAVE IT TO COMPLETE MY CARDBOARD!
I was excitingly trudging my way over to the booth, as I ignored the nearby man in a bat costume who suddenly disappeared in a flash of light after putting on his yellow belt.
The merchant looked almost startled to see me, warily greeting, "Oh, hello..."
Too excited to care about giving a response, I stared at him with a wide and happy smile on my face.
Disconcerted, he switched to glancing around the area and back towards me for a few minutes, my face having not even twitched. After a moment of eerie silence, he finally asked, "C... Can I help you with somethi-"
"Cardboard box!" I pointed at the cardboard box behind him.
"What?" He turned to look at where I was pointing. "Oh! You want to buy something from me?"
I nodded vigorously.
He went to carry the box up to the table. "Yeah, sure thing man. What caught your eye? Anything in particular that you want?"
"Cardboard box!"
"..." The merchant stared at me blankly, before continuing, "Uh, right. A-Anyway, so I have a red lightsaber, for those who want to go dark-side. Heheh." He pulled out a disinteresting glowy sword. "I got... that gun from Blade Runner, the one that Deckard used. You ever watched that movie?" I stayed silent as he pulled out a stupid looking gun. "No? Alright. You look like a video games kind of guy, I can dig that... lets see... Ahah! Ever wanted to burn down houses with lemons? Cave Johnson says that you can, by thinking with portals!" He dug out this ugly white tube with tentacles.
Getting annoyed for wasting my time, I pointed to the beautiful cardboard box that was forced to hold all of his junk. "Cardboard box!"
He glanced at the cardboard box, and then back to me. "You want... the box?" He asked incredulously.
I nodded vigorously.
He chuckled a bit, sarcastically asking, "How much is it worth to you?"
I responded by slamming fifty dollars on the table.
He looked down on the fifty dollars I gave with a stupefied expression on his face.
"You- You're serious?" He stuttered.
I nodded again.
"But-but- Dude, I'm selling my merchandise for five dollars or less each. I'm practically giving away professionally crafted replicas of iconic props from various movies and video games. You're telling me that you're want to spend fifty dollars for just the box?" He explained about his stupid junk.
"Cardboard box!" I told him.
The merchant sighed as he closed his eyes and pinched his forehead. After that, he looked around cautiously, making sure no one was listening, before leaning towards me and whispering, "Okay, look. The props that I have aren't just props. They're actually infused with ancient magic that will give you various powers based on the franchise of the item itself. You want to buy a yellow lantern ring? It'll give you the power to control radiation, heat, and instill fear into your enemies." He took out a tacky yellow ring.
I slapped the offending ring out of my face and determinedly pointed at the cardboard box.
Ignoring me, he continued, "What about this memory wiper from the Men In Black movies? Fight aliens and make everyone forget that there even was an alien in the first place!" He shoved a woman's pleasuring toy in my face.
Displeased, I slapped that away too, still firm on my choice of buying this cardboard box.
Getting desperate, he pulled out another stupid looking gun from the pile of junk inside the innocent cardboard. "This gun literally shoots shurikens and lightning! If you buy this, you will shoot shurikens and lightning! As a wise man once said, this gun could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire!"
"Card. Board. Box." I punctuated, leaving no room for arguments.
...
The merchant puts his hands up in defeat and rather unceremoniously dumped his pile of junk out of my new wonderful cardboard, before shoving it into my arms. "I don't even care anymore, just take it and leave."
Elated in happiness, I wore the cardboard box upon my head.
I feel... so complete...
Before I could revel in my happiness however, I was hit by a car.
And then struck by lightning.
Then got bit by a snake.
Which had been bitten by a mutated spider just moments before.
Which had been born from an alien arachnid-guitar hybrid.
Which came from another planet.
From another dimension.
In New Jersey.
Everything went black.
The merchant gave a frustrated sigh, muttering to himself. "I hate my job." He looked down and glared at the large mess he had made. All of his magical props that his boss, "The Merchant," had supplied him with was scattered across the floor. He would clean the mess up, but since he didn't have a god damn box to hold them in anymore, it was a rather pointless endeavor.
"BEWARE!" A voice caught his attention. He looked up and saw a man wearing a grey beanie, white gloves, and suspenders wiggling his fingers in a spooky fashion. "I am the BAAAX GHOOOST! I am here for your marvelous containers, cardboard, and squaaaaares!"
As if that was the last straw that broke the camel's back, the merchant snapped, "I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE CARDBOARD BOXES! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"
The cosplayer took a step back in surprise. "Woah, Jesus man! I was just fooling around, you don't have to be a dick about it!" The Box Ghost man gave an indignant 'harrumph' and strutted away in all of his Box Ghost glory.
Realizing that he just drove away a potential customer, he gave another annoyed groan. "I hate my job!"
A BAJILLION GAZILLION YEARS LATER
"So that's how you got here in Equestria?" My stony Batman friend asked me, still stuck in that stupidly hilarious pose of his.
"Pretty much, yeah." I concluded my story.
"I guess that would explain why you're just a cardboard box." He said, his immobilized eyes glancing at my three feet tall and twenty-seven feet area cubed body. "Why did you get turned into stone though? I can't really imagine Miss Queen Horsey-Time being scared of a cardboard box."
"Eeeehhhh..."
PROBABLY BETWEEN LIKE A MILLENNIUM OR A WEEK AGO OR SOMETHING
"And that's why I think we should at least consider about whether or not to ban this new 'Royalty' shampoo and conditioner, in order to maintain our public status." Celestia said to her sister, as they both walk down the castle corridor.
"Wait, how did we get to this topic from diet cakes?" Luna asked.
They were interrupted when, suddenly, a cardboard box crashed through the stained glass windows and knocked out Luna.
*insert dank memes here*
"What in the world?!" Celestia screamed as she fluttered back from the random object.
Luna, being indented into the wall from seven meters away due to the impact, was unconscious.
Hearing the commotion, nearby groups of sentry guards rushed to the scene immediately. "Your highness! Are you in danger?!" One of them shouted.
Celestia, still kinda shocked at the sudden cardboard box one-hit KO'ing her sister, only stammered in confusion. "I- uh- I don't- um- What just happened?"
The maids and servants arrived, wondering what was going on.
The cardboard stood there, in the middle of it all, doing absolutely nothing.
After the guards and maids successfully pulled Luna out of the wall and got her some proper care, and Celestia finally shook herself out of her stupor, they all focused their attention on the cardboard box that caused this whole commotion in the first place.
"Where did it come from? How was a cardboard box strong enough to break through the castle window and manage to knock Luna unconscious?" Celestia asked herself.
One brave soul of a guard trotted towards the box.
"Wait! You don't know what's inside! It could be dangerous!" One of the other guards warned.
"We won't know for sure what's inside if we don't look." He responded back, before facing Celestia and asking, "Princess, will you allow me to open the box?"
Celestia had a bad feeling about this, but nodded to the guard anyway, as she too was quite curious what was in the box. "You may proceed. All I can say though, is to tread carefully."
The guard nodded back, taking a deep breath before facing the cardboard box again. He slowly moved his hoof over to box.
Everyone held their breathes.
The guard slowly opened the box.
Everyone flinched.
The guard apprehensively looked inside...
...
...
And frowned.
"There's nothing inside."
Everypony in the hallway murmured in confusion, the general consensus being, "wait wat."
"That doesn't make sense." Celestia said, also confused about the mysterious box.
That was when the guard had noticed something.
"Wait! Everypony wait, I can see something!" He called out.
Everyone silenced themselves.
"I see something coming out. It looks really blurry and- oh my goodness. I- I- I- I- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH"
The guard screamed. Screamed from pure terror. Screamed from pure pain. Screamed from pure insanity.
The wind picked up around the hallway. Gusting wind and dark thunder clouds appeared out of nowhere. Everypony stepped back, overwhelmed and terrified of what they were witnessing in front of their very eyes.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH"
*Pop*
Then everything went back to normal- except the guard because he was now a cardboard box.
All was silent.
All was also probably scarred for life.
Celestia, being the first to snap out of her shock, immediately went, "Nope. Fuck that."
THE HUMAN CONCEPT OF TIME IS CONFUSING
"Cardboard magic? Really?" Bat-statue asked incredulously.
"Eyup."
"I... I guess that makes sense. Probably." He blinked, even though he technically didn't blink at all.
There was an awkward silence.
After a while, my friend pointed out to me, "You know, for a guy who's... overzealous about cardboard, you sure don't seem to act like it anymore."
"Yeah, a thousand years can do that to a man." I explained, "Being stuck here in this statue kinda made me realize that there's probably more than just cardboard in the world. I also realized the beauty of nature. I mean, I'm a statue, it's not like there's alot of options besides staring at the garden and animals in front of me-"
"How do you see without eyes anyway?"
"Not important. Now as I was saying-" I cleared my nonexistent throat, "Being forced to stand in one place for a thousand years, it can make you think. Make you reflect on the things you've done. Maybe make you regret some of them too. I can't help but feel like I wasted away four years of my human life, worshiping cheap worthless cardboard-"
"Well, you know, that's probably because you were..."
"Shaddap-" I grunted, "Anyway, what I'm saying is that I've realized now that that I wasted my life on cardboard. I could have been a real somebody, you know? Instead of wasting my time on cardboard, I could have helped others with their lives, I could have written a best-selling novel, I could have invented a new genius invention-"
Meanwhile, two delivery pegasi were carrying a large tower of empty cardboard boxes.
"Okay okay okay, hold it hold it hold it-"
"I'm holding it, I'm holding it, I'm holding it-"
"You're losing it! Find a better balance, find a better balance!"
"I'm finding a better balance!"
"You suck at finding a better balance!"
A small tilt to the right, and the tower of cardboard boxes suddenly collapsed, most of them bouncing off of the clouds and falling to the land below.
"Agh, Celestia, there goes our recycling bins for the next five month." The pegasus with the mustache groaned.
"I told you! I told you we should have carried them one by one!" His buddy chastised, "But nooooooo- 'Two trips are for pussies,' he said, 'A real stallion carries them all at once,' he said!"
"Yeah yeah, eat it, douchebag." The mustached pony thrusted a curled wing with one feather sticking out, "Come on, help me carry what didn't fall off the clouds so we can end our shifts. We're gonna miss the big game tonight!"
"And who's fault would that be, huh?"
"Oh shut your whining!"
"-could have fallen in love with my childhood friend and have kids. But instead, I became obsessed with cardboard." Then, my tone shifted to determination, "Well no more! I am a changed man! If I ever get the chance to be free from my prison, I will start using my powers to help improve the world-"
A cardboard box hit my head, interrupting me.
"Holy shit dude, you're free!" Bat-statue said in surprise.
Huh. So I was.
WAIT! A cardboard box fell from the sky, and freed me from my stone prison? Does that mean... Could it be...?
"A cardboard box bestowed to me from the cardboard gods, has freed me from my imprisonment! I knew it! I knew I was the destined cardboard chosen one! I must fulfill my destiny to turn the world into cardboard!"
I gleefully cackled evilly as I ate the small cardboard box that freed me, and then flied away into the sky.
"I HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING FROM MY MISTAKES AT AAAALLLLLL!"
Batman could only stare in silence, mostly because he was a statue but also because he had no idea what the hell just happened.
After realizing that his long time cardboard friend had just left him, he finally said,
"What."
...
"What the fuck."
PROBABLY LIKE SEASON TWO OR SOMETHING
Once upon a time, a magical pony unicorn thing named Dwight-Like Sparkles that lives in a planet called Cartoon Horse Planet, was doing a thing where she turned apples into oranges, chairs into tables, and your mother into someone that wasn't fat.
She failed miserably at the last one, apologizing profusely to your mother for how she was just too fat for the unequal power and limitless knowledge of the arcane of Fight-Pike Sparkles, to even remotely make her into something not fat.
So she was mostly concentrating on making apples into oranges, mostly to spite her dear close friend, Little Miss YYYYYYEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAW-Jack.
Her pet-slave, Pussywhip, was helping encouraging her as she practiced.
"Uh, Twilight? You ever get that feeling where your life was being narrated, but the narration felt like it was being done poorly, to the point where it's almost like an insulting parody?" Pussywhip asked his master as she failed to turn an apple into an orange.
"Spike, I don't really know what you're talking about, but please don't break my concentration with senseless conversation topics." She grunted in reply, somehow turning the apple into a cheeseburger instead.
"Sorry." Pussywhip looked back at the orange cheeseburger.
"I think I'll get it this time. I'm feeling lucky!" Cry-Sight Glitterface smiled in determination, knowing that this spell will turn the apple into an orange was filling her with determination, accidentally saving over her save file.
And then cardboard. Which meant me. I was cardboard that appeared.
And by appeared, I mean crash landed right in front of them.
