This aint no TIIIIIME Fur drinkin!
Applejack leaned against the family home, drinking a comically huge jug of fermented cider. Today she drank more that the usual 3 gallons in one sitting because last time she got drunk her liver had called her a reefer smoking liberal.
Applejack doesn't take kindly to internal organs who insulted their owners, so naturally like any good redneck she had proclaimed a feud with her liver and was trying to flush him out.
The liquid liver resection was going quite well as Applejack burped loudly and crushed the 6th ceramic jug against her head.
The rickety screen door to the Apple family trailer screeched open, a crotchety old mare holding three foals wobbled out of the shack.
Applejack drunkenly turned to her elder Granny Smith, Actually Applejack wasn't drunk, in fact her tolerance was so high due to her lifestyle alcohol would kill her long before it would make her drunk. Its just than as another side effect is her brain had been clogged so much with fermented apples it was forever stuck in a state of retro-intoxication.
“Applejack! Our prize apple tree Daniel has been kidnapped! I bet it was those dahm carrots from across town! you better go git it back! And don’t you spend any more time at this still, this ain't no TIIIME fer Drinkin!.”
The screen door slammed shut, emitting a metallic bang similar to a hatch on a submarine.
Applejack mentally sobered up, She didn’t take kindly to tree-nappers. She pounded back another gallon jug of hard cider. She wiped her mouth and growled.
“Were are my truck keys? Braeburn will now.”
Applejack galloped into the nearby trailer park of Ponyville.
In Ponyville Applejack met a random poorly textured bystanders on the street.
“HEY! take a chill pill!’ The bystander yelled for no particular reason.
Applejack didn’t take kindly to pill chillers, so she equipped a baseball bat and cracked the bystanders skull in.
The pony dropped a pistol, Applejack used it to kill a cop and his buddy who had watch Applejack kill the random citizen without interest.
Applejack came upon Braeburn’s Trailer, the front lawn was long and unkept, which somehow had led it to be covered in giant mutant Apples.
Applejack entered the trailer, where Braeburn was blacked out on the carpet. Applejack whacked him in the balls with her baseball bat. Which only transmitted into a light slap on Braeburn's end. Many injuries due to stunts and dares gone wrong had severed most of the nerves in braeburn's testicles.
The drunk cousin-brother-uncle-husband whatever to Applejack slowly woke up.
“Hey! Applejack! Member that time we got drunk-”
“NO!” Applejack interjected.
“Huh, me neither, Anyways I left your truck keys out in the trash.”
Applejack Smacked Braeburn across the head, re-blacking him out. She then grabbed the Double-barrel shotgun in Braeburn’s sink and walked out the front door,
On the porch Applejack found that the mutant Apples had grown into 8 foot Apple tree monsters. The all surrounded the mare but found that they had not been given the ability to climb stairs. SO Applejack stood at the top of the porch and blasted the monsters with ease.
Applejack returned to the family farm and walked up to her truck. She produced a giant glowing iron key which de-materialized. Allowing her to enter her truck in a long, stiff, jittery fashion.
Applejacks truck rocketed forward down the road to god knows where, blaring some stereotypical hillbilly music with no way of turning it off.
After getting stuck in a tree and bouncing off a skybox, Applejack made it to the Carrot farm. There carrot top and a army of Carrot clan members who all look exactly the same fought off an assault of killer cows and mutant apple trees
Applejack felt a twinge of pity for the carrot clan members and forgot about that cup of sugar they never returned. Applejack approached with her double barrel shotgun, Where the carrot clan members began shooting Applejack on sight. Killing her instantly.
“Now I’m mad.” Applejack didnt take kindly to folks who killed her instantly.
Applejack restarted and waited for the Carrots to be killed by the cows and mutant trees. After Which she climbed onto a rock and killed the monsters. Applejack then stole all their whiskey and ammo.
Inside the farmhouse she found a letter to the Carrots instructing them to kidnap Daniel and sell it to Twilight, the evil scientist.
Applejack spit out a piece of chaw onto the Carrot’s floor.
Applejack didn’t take kindly to scientists.
Applejack re-entered her truck, which after driving three feet became stuck in a tree, then once she got out to push it, fell through the ground of the environment all together.
Applejack spied a fan boat docked on a nearby river that led to Twilight's laboratory. Applejacks hooves clanked metallically as she walked across the wooden dock to the boat. In the same stiff and jittery action so climb onto the boat.
Applejack opened up the throttle, sending the boat careening down the river way at a blistering 0.5 miles an hour.
“This Rocks!” Applejack yelled.
A ramp came over the horizon, Applejack lazily turned towards it. she hit the ramp at 0.6 Mph which only got her half way up the ramp, where the boat ran out of steam and fell over into the water.
The boat materialized a few feet down the river, allowing Applejack to continue.
-50 years later-
Applejack arrived at the dock below Twilights lab. She press the action button to magically appear off the boat and onto the dock.
After 30 minutes of trying to remember what the un-bindable jump command was she came upon a large white door. Applejack though that if she had her truck she could just smash through it. Applejack tried to knock on it but her hoof went right through it, she lost her balance and fell all they way through as if she were a ghost.
Guards walked around the plant, not thinking anything of Applejack's presence there. Applejack killed most of them for their machine guns.
Applejack soon found an elevator with no bottom, it just magically floated her to the top floor.
There she found huge Gatling gun in somepony’s desk. She hauled it into the next room.
The next room was filled with all sorts of weird machinery, one giant machine with a glass tank contained Applejacks tree!.
“Daniel!” Applejack shouted as she ran in slow motion to the tank.
“You’re too late earth pony!”
Applejack skidded to a halt, before her stood Twilight the evil scientist!
“As I said you pathetic simpleton, you’re too late!” Twilight shouted triumphantly, then turned to a keyboard a began typing.
-5mins later-
“I just have one more thing to add!” Twilight shouted triumphantly again. She Walked to the other side of the machine with no sense of urgency at all and began typing on another keyboard.
-15min later-
“My experiment will soon be complete!” Twilight said in similar fashion and began typing on a 3rth keyboard.
-Fuck-
“I will sacrifice my own body to complete this experiment and destroy your pathetic trailer park!”
Twilight then rode the slowest elevator in the world to the top of the machine where several brightly colored tubes covered her, she began groaning like she had bad gas and dancing like there was rave music playing in her ear.
Applejack awoke from her nap and fired a single bullet from her ridiculously huge mini gun.
-Phat!-
*Kaboom!
The entire machine was engulfed in a flat particle effect meant to represent a fiery explosion.
“You stupid redneck! You ruined everything!” Twilight shouted, still awkwardly dancing.
Twilight disappeared into thin air.
Applejack shrugged off everything that just happened and grabbed Daniel from the rubble of the machine.
Applejack with Daniel in hoof ran to the nearby door, Applejack furiously pounded the button to open it but it never responded, Applejack tried to walk through it like most of the previous door,Her hoof fell through the door like a staircase missing a stair. Applejack was soon engulfed in inky blackness watching the whole world fly from her until it disappeared all together and then-
Applejack blinked, she quickly press control+alt+delete and restarted her computer, she quickly opened her e-mail and respond to the person who had sent the game they had built around her and her rumored mare friend.
To:Button_HASH_420
Get gud and programming you fat neck-bearded noob.
only in your lonely overweight sweaty virgin fantasy do me and Twi mash bits.
go cry into the body of you body pillow m9
Applejack clicked send, not even considering the harshness of her e-mail, got wasted and went to bed.
Love tap hummed quietly as she cleaned up dinner, until she was interrupted bu the unmistakable whine of her son Button-mash.
"MMMMMMMOOOOMMMMYYYYY-YYYY-YYY--YYYY!"
Love Tap sighed, she loved her son. But it was undeniable, she had raise a total skrub.
He came galloping into the kitchen with tears in his eyes.
"A-A-A-Apple jack didn't like the game and called me a noooo-oo--oob!"
"Aw Button, Honey. You poured your heart and soul into that game." Love tap cooed, she had played the game and new how bad it was.
"I Made it just for her! I wanted her to like it!" Button sobbed.
"Well, maybe she didn't because it was and ungodly peace of shit?"
Button Gasped, his mother just brought her face close to his and whispered.
"Maybe you should learn to code, noob."
