Chapters Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
Spike wouldn't call himself unlucky in the matters of love. Indeed, he often struggled to win back the affection he so desired, but he had really hit home a couple times.
First there was that occasion with the Diamond dogs. Risking everything for his dear lady Rarity, Spike had galantly lead the rescue party to find his damsel in distress. He'd shown humility too! Like when that Trenderhoof character came into town. He'd helped Rarity try and win his affections, despite the jealousy and pain that ensued. Then there was the time he ended up getting Rarity cursed, but he'd had her best interests at heart, right? I mean, sure he'd hit rock-bottom in his popularity as 'World's #1 assistant' with Twilight, but that always happened when he got a bit too egear to win acceptance and praise. He wasn't greedy...per se, he just liked feeling appreciated.
Then there was the holy grail of all insatnces; where he'd grown into a full sized Dragon, and destroyed nearly half the town.
...
...
Okay scratch that. But he had managed to win a kiss from Rairty! Twice! That had to count for something.
However, his more cynical friends didn't exactly see it that way. When he'd told Discord about it, he'd merely laughed and slapped him on the back.
"Splendid, simply splendid!" He'd roared in laughter through his tears. "Ya know, little buddy. You and I would make a pretty unstopable duo as lords of chaos...well, you'd be more of a sidekick but you can't win everything, am I right?"
"Haha, Discord," Spike had spat out sarcastically, "I'm talking about the kiss."
"what about it?"
"It was the most magical thing..."
At this remark, Discord had guffawed and grunted in restrained amusement, "You...y-y-you *wheez* really think that *chortle* she's..."
"What?" Spike had demanded, visibly peaved.
Discord didn't suppress it anymore. He rolled his long serpent-like body back in hearty laughter, pounding his fists against the floor, hooting and whooping.
"Oh please! That imagination of yours is going to land you in some serious trouble one of these days my friend. You sure she wasn't kissing you to say 'thank you for not flattening the other half of Ponyville'?"
Spike had pouted for a bit, but that didn't stop his acursed logic from running on its own. What if Discord was right? What if Rarity meant nothing by it?
All these thoughts returned to Spike as he was walking back to the castle. It was a warm, sunny afternoon, a light breeze easing Spike into his thoughts. He glanced around noticing a few couples cantering down the streets of Ponyville. Why was it that the couples always stood out more? Spike looked on blankly as he saw a couple stop in front of Sugar Cube Corner. The colt stopped, opening the door with a hoof while keeping half-lidded eye contact with his marefriend. They exchanged a remark or two before the filly took two trots inside, stopping to nuzzle her special somepony. Then the door closed behind them.
Spike just stood there with relaxed posture, starring curiously. It had been a small gesture of kindness, but one that still seemed to mean so much more to his sweetheart. How was he so lucky? Spike had done it before and Rarity'd never nuzzled him like that. She'd just smile and say how grateful she was, ending the scentence with a term of endearment.
Though this was a reward in itself, it wasn't the same. Wasn't that how things work though? You do something and get a reward, right? No. Spike scolded himself. He shouldn't expect rewards. He did everything out of love...but a little appreciation would be nice...
Spike knew himself quite well as a person. He was hard working and compasionate with his friends, but one obvious thing was that he tended to be a sucker for acceptance. Maybe it was because he was a Dragon in a land full of ponies? Or because he felt secluded? Whatever the reason, Spike understood that he did things out of love, but being a dragon, his greed often got the better of him.
'Zoinks', Spike thought to himself, 'I gotta stop hanging around Twilight. I think I'm coming down with a serious case of philosophical thinking.'
...
...
'Or am I?'
'Dangit.'
Having arrived home, Spike was reaching his hand out to the doorknob. It was at that precise moment that the writer decided to get some comic relief out of the story. Seconds before his hand reached the doorknob, he felt the door slam into his face, causing him recoil backwards, landing, rather roughly, on his scaly behind.
He was sitting dazed in the dirt. He reached a hand up to his forehead, cursing and snd snorting smoke as he fought back the painful tears. He then tilted his head up, his hand still covering an eye and most of his frontal lobe, trying to find the culprit.
Applejack
She stood in the doorway wide-eyed, a hoof covering her mouth in shock.
"AJ, what the hay?" Spike grunted, trying to force back the pain.
"Heavens ta Betsy! Spike, I'm so sorry," Applejack said scrambling forward off the porch, trying to help Spike to his feet, "I didn't know you were back ther sugarcube."
"That was obvious..." Spike grumbled, then sighed, resolving to be a bit more gracious, so as to not offend Applejack.
"Well real sorry 'bout all this, you ain't hurt are ya?"
Spike pushed up onto his feet and stood for a moment before smiling. "Naw, I'm fine," Spike chuckled brushing some dirt off, "It'll take a bit more than a door to bruise me. Maybe next time you try and kill me, you find some Kryptonite first, huh?"
Spike laughed a bit more genuinely this time and Applejack giggled. Spike had a good sense of humour and always strived to lighten the mood in his own way.
"Well Ah'd better push off." Applejack said, excusing herself.
She took a step to the right only to be blocked by Spike, who had also stepped there as to let her leave to her left. They repeated this twice more before they both chuckled awkwardly.
Without any warning, Spike then took hold of both her shoulders, picked her up and turned. With his back now facing the castle and Applejack's the way home, he placed her back down and struck a victorious pose.
"There. Easy."
Applejack didn't speak, blushing, she merely starred up at Spike. When had he gotten so tall? And strong! Had he always had that saprk in his eye? Why did she always get like this when she was with him?
She then realised that he was starring back at her with a puzzled expression. The heat in her cheeks sky-rocketed, she could actually feel how red she was.
Quickly, she tipped her hat down to cover her eyes as she turned around, shattering the moment.
"T-t-thanks. G'bye now." She splutered quickly in her southern drawl before turning and bolting down the path, not chancing a look back.
Spike simply starred on in stupefied silence. He shook his head, freeing himself from the vice of his thoughts.
Mares. He'd never understand them.
Spike entered the castle and stretched out his limbs, rewarding him with a couple satisfying *pops*. Glancing up the stairs, he found Twilight looking down from the top as she leaned on the banister. She was smiling expectantly at him.
"I completed my chores Twi. Anything else you need?" Spike asked leaning against the wall.
"No that's all. Had a good day?" Twilight asked trotting down the stairs.
"Meh."
"Okay. Do you care to expand on that?" Twilight asked, a twinge of annyonce and concern crossing her brow. She hated short, monosylabic answers and Spike knew it.
Spike smiled, happy to know he'd gotten her full attention. "Well after taking a little detour, I managed to get hit in the face by AJ upon my arrival."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine! Just a little graze. The universe is out to get me Twilight, I swear."
Twilight chuckled, seeing Spike was in good humour. "Oh no, Spike. The universe is much too vast to take specific notice of you."
"Am I supposed to be offended by that?" Spike asked, frowning.
"No, silly! I was teasing."
"Of course..."
Banter aside, Spike and Twilight carried out their usual routines before settling down on the couches, a mug of hot chocolate in hoof...or, erm...claw. Twilight insisted that it was vital to keep good communication between each other. Spike certainly took pleasure in sitting down to talk about his day and other topics of interest that arose during the conversation.
It also allowed Twilight to get a lot off of her chest. Both of them hated the feeling of empty loneliness that seemed to haunt the castle, so they made it part of the agenda to invite friends over, as well as hold daily discussions with each other.
When Spike had been younger, he'd found it boring and annoying having to talk to Twi about all her problems. But as he'd grown, he'd found new pleasure in talking. There was so much to discover just through conversation, that it was exciting! But more than anything, it was just nice to be with family.
"So what'd AJ want?" Spike asked, curious to know as to why she'd been in the castle. He hadn't missed a tea party had he?
"She was here to pick up a book," Twilight smiled, taking a sip of her drink, "something from the 'Dummys' collection I think..."
"What, like, 'Maths for Dummys: maths made so simple that a dummy could understand'...something like that? But AJ's not stupid!"
"It might have been something else, either way, it was a pretty obscure title." Twilight said, tapping her chin with her hoof.
"Did you write it down?"
Twilight hit her forehead with her hoof, scolding herself. "DUH! Of course! Thanks Spike."
Twilight jumped out of her seat and rushed to the library section of the castle. Spike chuckled to himself. Twilight always got so excited when it came to her librarian duties. She considered it a service to her subjects, but Spike knew she loved it more than any of her other jobs. All the order, categorising and cross-referencing got her more hyped than any espresso latte could.
Spike caught up to her as she trolled through her records, looking for the check-out.
"Eureka!"
"Found it?"
"You bet."
"Well?"
Spike waited patiently as Twilight examined the document more closely.
"Okay..." Twilight mumbled to herself, "aah, here we are. The book was 'Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide' .
Spike lost his footing, tripping up a bit. "Excuse me?"
"Well, that's what it says." Twilight said, shrugging.
Spike was puzzled to say the least. What the devil would Applejack want with a book like that? But Twilight's next comment caught him even more off-guard.
"I've got another one, booked under your name."
"WHAT!"
Twilight giggled. "I did it. Thought you could take a couple tips."
"Like I said...WHAT!"
"Oh, don't get so stressed out Spike." Twilight mocked playfully.
"Me? Yeah, says the one! What would I want with a book like that?"
Twilight tutted and shook her head. "Didn't you hear me? I thought you could use some tips."
"Wait," Spike was beging to catch on, "is this about Rarity?"
Twilight gave a knowing smile, but Spike looked revolted.
"You think I'm in the friendzone? I'll have you know, I am far, VERY FAR from it." Spike huffed defiantly, crossing his arms to emphasise his point.
"That's not what Discord told me."
"Yeah, well Discord's... wait, why the hay was Discord here?"
"He and Fluttershy came over for some tea and crumpets earlier. We had a fun little conversation, and Discord brought up the topic."
"The cheeky little..." Spike grumbled, cursing.
Twilight stepped forward and placed her hoof on her brother's shoulder.
"Hey," She said, trying to comfort him, "you're a great guy. I have no doubt you'll settle down with a mate someday, but you can't keep chasing Rarity like this. It's not healthy. You're going to get dissapointed, maybe hurt!"
Spike smiled and patted Twilight's hoof allowing to fall off his shoulder. "Look, Twi, I appreciate the concern. But I'm okay, really! We're meant to be. I'm her Romeo!"
Twilight frowned. "Romeo dies, Spike."
"You know what I mean. It was a funny joke 'n' all, but you shouldn't worry because nothing wrong is going to happen."
Twilight sighed and shook her head in defeat. "Alright Cassanova. I see I can't change your mind. Just...just be careful."
Spike smiled and nodded before scampering off. Twilight hung her head and sighed again. he was so innocent and optimisitic. She only feared what would happen once he was inevitably denied.
'It's not Rairty's fault...Spike just...lives in denial of truth and fact. He's smarter than that and he knows what will happen.'
But he was faithful and loyal, and Twilight knew he'd continue to try untill it broke him.
She turned on one hoof and walked out of the library.
Spike was standing pressed up against the wall, hidden in the shadows cast by the great library doors. He watched patiently as Twilight left the library, her head low. Spike knew she was thinking of him. She was always thinking of him.
Spike had been Twilights assistant and little brother for donkey's years. She knew him best and felt it her greatest responsibility to look out for her little bro. But Spike knew he had to make his own decisions. And he'd chosen to go after Rairty; he intended to see it through to the bitter end. Or sweet. A sweet end would be nice.
Once she'd passed from his vision he came out and ran into the library.
'Like a boss', He thought happily, 'a boss ninja. The Ninja of bosses.'
Spike went straight over to the records until he found what he was looking for.
Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
'Bingo!'
Now Spike, although optimistic and fun also had a serious and logical side to him. He was certainly smarter than he let on. And if one thing were certain now, it was that he was desperate. Desperately desperate. That's like, double desperate! His moves on Rarity were failing. Discord and Twilight were right, he was in the friendzone. He'd come to accept that, and it was killing him, he needed out. Where was the eject button?! So he was going to use the guide to help him. He was going to survive this and win Rarity's affections. Simple!
Spike rifled through the books on shelf 3 before his hand came to reast on a small, camouflage patterned manual. He pulled it out, his curiosity piqued. Why had he never seen this book before? Then he realised that with Twilight's library collection, only she was able to remember all her books.
Finally, he'd found it! There was a white tag on the front with 'DECLASSIFIED' stamped on in a bold red, military style font.
Dude, did it look official.
Overall satisfied with the find, he ran out of the library making his way to his room, where he could study it in private. Spike wouldn't mind picking up a couple tips from this tome of ancient 'bro' knowledge. Frankly, he needed it. So he flipped it open and began to read.
Welcome, friend, to Friendzone 101; a declassified survival guide for all our fallen brethren in the dreaded frienzone. With each chapter presenting a step-by-step guide to surviving the loathsome loneliness, the tenacious temptations, the forever forlorn feelings. Join us brethren, you are not alone in this quest for affection. ***** First, brother, is the initiation to our corps. First, we must all realise for ourselves, that we are in the zone of friends. Once done in all honesty, you can never deny this knowledge Your quest begins here brother.
Spike whistled. "Dude...This is some seriously official, next level poetry."
"Let the initiation begin!"
Author's Note
Felt like writing a prequel, so here it is!
Marshall out
Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
Suffering in silence is a lonely and harrowing path Know your friends. Talk to them and confide in them But only those who are worthy of your trust More than anything, it is vital you know friend from foe on this journey. There are those who will stand by you, There are those who will stay loyal to honesty alone, These you can trust.
It was a wet and humid morning, just right for staying inside. Luckily, neither Discord nor Soarin had any prior engagements that day, so were obliged to swing 'round to crash and hang out.
As usual, Spike was the youngest in his close group of friends...or at least, friends of the male variety. Soarin was a year or three older than him and Discord... Well, frankly old Dissy could be anypony's great-great-great-great-great-great-grea...
But being a dragon, Spike figured that age really had no bearing on his relationships with other people. He aged and matured differently from ponies and therefore couldn't feasibly be restrained by their views on age. Twilight would have scolded him for 'denying fact', but he wasn't denying it! Merely being picky about the reality he accepts.
But the point is, despite all odds, the three had become inseperable. He'd also known Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash for longer than they had, so that probably helped in the bonding process.
"So I'd say by your rather poinient expression, something's troubling you?" Hissed a sly voice from behind him.
Spike swiveled around to find Discord and Soarin both standing by the wall.
Discord looked as he normally did; evil.
And so did Soarin for the most part. Judging by the fact that his mane was disheveled and he looked as though he was about to vomit, Spike would have said that Discord had chosen to teleport rather than walk.
"Didn't your mother ever tell you to knock?" Spike sneered.
"Oh, I'm sure she did at some point. That is, before she left me to fend for myself in the desert for a century or two. But I never bothered. Neighbors weren't that friendly anyway." Discord smirked with mock-indignation.
"And what about you buddy," Spike inquired, "Did ol' Dissy here say apparition would be fun?"
"He didn't say anything at all..." Soarin grumbled.
"Yes, well sooorrryy I wanted to get us here quickly. Plus, it's absolutely dreadful outside."
Discord disappeared, then reappeared beside Spike, apparating in a cloud of pink smoke. Seeing the book resting in Spike's loose grip, he snatched it quickly and began to read.
"Hey!" Spike said in useless defiance.
"What in Tartarus," Discord sputtered, "Spike, what is this?"
"Give it back!" Spike cried leaping up repeatedly to try and wrestle it from Discord. But this was no good, it only got Discord more interested. If Spike was so desperate to keep something from them, then it must be juicy blackmail material!
Smiling deviously at what he had concluded, Discord tossed it lazily over to Soarin, where it slid across the floor until coming to rest at the Wonderbolt's hoof.
Spike stood frozen, petrified with fear. Discord loomed over him with a toothy grin, waiting to find out what new 'dirt' he had acquired on Spike. Soarin looked down and furrowed his brow.
"Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide." He read aloud before looking up, a confused look plastered to his face.
Spike inwardly groaned as his shoulders slumped down. Discord's hands flew, one across his stomach and the other to his mouth, in a classic 'I'm totally not laughing right now' pose, as he released a torent of muted snorts and chuckles.
"Hey, isn't this one of those books from the 'Dummys' collection?" Soarin questioned, "Ya know, like, 'Maths for Dummys: maths made so simple that a dummy could understand'...something like that?"
Discord couldn't contain himself. He doubled over and roared in laughter as he rolled on the floor. Spike stood with fists clenched and red in his cheeks.
"Oh! Ohohoho, Spike you are a hoot!" Discord wheezed, "Are you seriously reading this yak manure?"
"Yes!" Spike cried definantly, "Because nothing else works! I've tried doing chores, I've done favours for her. I compliment her everyday, I even volunterily reduced myself to a living pin-cushion! A PIN-CUSHION!"
"Didn't you choose to do that all though?" Soarin asked.
Spike heaved a heavy sigh as his friends looked on expectantly.
"Yes..." Spike muttered weakly, "but I thought...I thought it would get me somewhere. Yeah, I did it out of love, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't do it in the hopes of her returning my affection. The worst part is that I don't know how to stop that! How do I stop expecting a reward. Rarity owes me nothing, but still...there is some part of me...guess I'm just selfish on the inside..."
No one said anything for a moment. Discord and Soarin were still processesing what had been said, and more importantly, what they would say in response. How does one stay loyal whilst being completely honest?
Finally, Soarin broke the brief silence. "You should just ask her." Soarin put bluntly.
"What?" Spike said in blatant fear.
"Oh come now Spike, Soarin's right." Discord said, releaved that Soarin had spoken up.
"But..but." Spike quivered weakly.
"Look bro, the 'Friendzone' doesn't exist. All it is, is a mental block. You think she only likes you as a friend, but you're just playing childish games in the hope that she asks first. You have to get out of your comfort zone and PLAY TO WIN!" Soarin exclaimed.
"Indeed, this game has gone on far too long." Discord agreed wholeheartedly.
Seeing both of them were right, Spike desperately racked his brain for any form of escape. Or at least a way to stall the inevitable.
"Let's see what the guide says." Spike suggested.
Discord rolled his eyes. "Stalling the inevitable is stupid, Spike. You need to get this over with. You're only torturing yourself."
"It won't hurt to look." Spike tried again.
"Alright then." Discord grumbled.
Your friends cannot decide your course of action on your behalf, but they can certainly influence it. Brother, Know that there are only two escapes. Ask her out Or Give up and move on. But how you choose to approach these options is what will determine your immediate fate. Turn to section 2 for tips on 'Asking her out'. Turn to section 3 for tips on 'Giving up'. See Bonus section for tips on 'Moving on'.
The three sat in a circle around the book, studying the tips in section 2. Spike sat huched forward, most intent on finding a solution. Soarin appeared to be distracted by something else, while Discord played the part of 'cynical accomplice'.
"Uugghhh! None of these tips are any good. Spike, just accept the fact that you'll have to ask her!" Discord cried in annyoance.
"I intend to. But first I need a game plan." Spike said.
"A game plan?"
"Yeah. Like Soarin said, I need to play to win! I can't do that without a game plan. I'll get her attention with some well planned strikes and then deliver the final blow!"
"Yes...that or 'strike out'." Discord gruimbled.
"Haha", Spike put sarcastically, "just you wait. Everything will work out."
"So your gonna ask her?" Soarin perked up.
"Soon. Very soon."
"So what's the plan?"
Operation: get Rarity to notice Spike so he can can ask her out is a go!Step 1: Stakeout. Know your target.
At sugar Cube Corner, the girls were enjoying a couple drinks around a table. Rainbow and pinkie were laughing while Twilight and Fluttershy were held in their own conversation. Rarity was drinking daintily from her mug, while Applejack just sat smiling at the group. It looked like a usual, friendly get together. The kind that Twilight often pined for.
Then Twilight, having finished speaking with Fluttershy, turned to Applejack hoping to include her in the conversation.
"So, Aj. How was the book?" Twilight asked with a mischievous smile.
Applejack seemed to choke a bit on her drink, "S'cuse' me?"
This drew the attention of everypony else around the table, who stopped to listen.
"You know, Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide? Have you read it?"
Rainbow Dash snorted in amusement. "Wait. Applejack borrowed a book on the friendzone?" She then rolled her head back in laughter.
"Oh, come now darling. Don't be so rude," Rarity scolded, then moved a hoof to cover her mouth, "though it is slightly amusing."
"See! Even Rarity thinks it's funny!" Rainbow yelled obnoxiously as Rarity tried to restrain her giggles.
Applejack was red from embaressment and anger. "I'll have y'all know," Applejack began boldly, "that book wasn't fer me!"
"Then who was it for?" Twilight asked, worried that the book may no longer be in Applejack's intrusted possesion.
"Mah sis." Applejack grumbled.
This only earned more laughs from Rainbow Dash and a couple adoring 'Aawwws' from around the table.
"Then why didn't she come herself?" Twilight asked.
"I suppose she was too embaressed to ask," Applejack thought out loud, "Somethin' about school?"
"OhmegoshOhmegoshOhmegosh," Pinkie squeeled excitedly, "a school pony crush!"
"No, it wasn't like that," Applejack said sternly, "She seemed a bit more confused about the term 'n' all."
Twilight's smiled widened. "Then it was for research purposes?" She asked hopefully.
Applejack shrugged undecidedly, "S'pose so."
Twilight threw her hooves into the air triumphantly as she exclaimed, "AT LAST! At long last, the library has fulfilled its purpose!"
Excusing this as just one of Twilight's 'excitable outbursts, the others continued to converse.
"I think it's understandable. Going to school, one normally finds themselves learning a new piece of social terminoligy each day." Rarity contiued for the conversation's sake, "Why, just the other day, Sweetie Belle was asking me what the 'friendzone' was."
Fluttershy chose this time to enter the conversation. "What's the friendzone...um, that is, if you don't mind sharing?" She asked softly.
Rarity opened her mouth to speak but she was quickly cut off by Twilight.
"The friendzone refers to the group of people, one considers to be friends with and nothing more. Though the term is used when said friend wants to be in a relationship, but the other only considers them a friend. Thus, to escape 'the friendzone' the either try and make a move or they give up and move on."
Twilight smiled, content with her answer while all her friends simply stared at her. Then, Rainbow started clapping her hooves slowly.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, the dictionary on legs!" Rainbow said gesturing flamboyantly towards Twilight.
"Also, it's very popular in internet memes!" Pinkie contributed cheerfully.
"What the hay is an 'internet'?" Applejack asked, one eye brow raised in a bemused fashion.
"Applejack, Darling. Don't. It's just Pinkie being Pinkie."
In a corner of the cafe, sat three shadowy figures, dressed in scarves, trench coats and fedoras. All of the them holding up newspapers to conceal themselves, all of them listening, watching, waiting. The middle newspaper lowered to reveal Spike, his eyes concealed under the brim of his hat.
"What do you guys think?" Spike asked conspiratorially, adressing the two figures beside him.
"Boring," huffed a second voice, "The 'Foal free press' has stooped once again to an all-time-low."
"No. Not the paper. The girls!" Spike hissed.
Discord lowered his newspaper to rest his head on his paw. He blew out of his bubble pipe in frustration. "They aren't doing anything! And I think Soarin's asleep."
As if in response, two snorts came from the third figure, who was slouching in his seat, as his newspaper fell from his limp hooves.
Spike groaned and massaged his temples with his claws.
"What are we doing here anyway, Spike?" Discord whispered.
"We're looking to see where and when my best chances to strike big with Rarity are. What's the best time of day to see her? What's her day been like? Stuff like that."
"Why don't you just ask her that?"
Spike looked disgusted at the thought. "No! That's stupid. Small talk like that just makes awkward situations."
"Spike," Discord said in a measured town, "We are currently stalking six young mares, two of which are already in a relationship with fine gentlecolts of a high standing." He glanced over at Soarin, who snored again, before continuing. "Well, at least one of them is in a relationship with a draconequus of high standing. We are dressed in the most conspicuous clothing in a town where no one wears clothes, and you are suggesting that merely asking her about her day is 'too awkward'?"
"Well, when you put it like that."
At that moment, Rarity got up from the table. Nodding her goodbyes.
Spike quickly brushed off Discord's comment. "Target's on the move!"
"Soarin, wake up you dunderhead" Discord hissed hitting him over the head.
Soarin's head moved forward and came crashing down onto the table. He jumped up before grabbing at his forehead.
"Discord! Wha...Ooowww! What the hay?" Soarin cried out, in a delayed reaction.
"Target's on the move, look sharp soldier." Discord said nonchalantly.
Spike turned to both of them. "So we're moving too. Discord, BAMF us out of here."
Discord hugged them together, preparing to teleport. "Gladly", he said smirking.
Soarin struggled desperately. He felt the familiar tense sensation in his chest as a ringing filled his ears. Not again. NOT AGAIN!
He opened his mouth to cry out, but it was too late.
Discord, Spike and Soarin had teleported leaving only a pink cloud of smoke and a dank smell of brimstone.
Author's Note
Love Nightcrawler so much, so of course I made the Bamf references.
Leave a comment and a verdict if you like. Please no vulgar language. I'm cool with people expressing their opinions, but I don't need it stinking up the comments.
Anyway, enjoy!
Marshall out.
Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
Tips for escaping the friendzone include: getting to know the target and getting to know the competition, before promptly "showing 'em who's boss." It is vital to make your self known as a potential candidate for affection, thus, it is prudent to "up" one's game level. Though you have friends to help you, brother, there will also be many foes. Ponies who shall stand in the way of you and your goal. Try and win the favour of your lover, over that of your enemies. And above all, crush the foe's dreams in the process.
"NOOOOO!" Soarin's voice cried out as he, Spike and Discord appeared in in the middle of the market of square.
The head of everypony in the immediate area turned in alarm at the source of the scream. There, surrounded by a circle of ponies, stood Spike, Discord and Soarin, wide-eyed. Their eyes darted guiltily from one shocked face to the next, before Spike and Discord turned their heads to glare at Soarin.
Soarin, feeling dreadfully sick, stood as tall as he could manage and cleared his throat. "Hmm, I mean...No! Oh no, the cabbage stall has run out of...erm...cabbages?"
Spike burried his head in his claws while Discord rolled his eyes. No doubt the princess Twilight Sparkle would hear about the three numbskulls who'd caused some unnecessary ruckus, upsetting and disturbing the innocent shoppers. Everypony seemed to find something to complain about, no matter how petty. However, much to their relief, everypony just nodded to each other and smiled. The cabbage stall running out of cabbages, was definetely reason to cry out in pained dismay.
Having narrowly escaped any trouble from that unfortuante mishap, the three collected themselves and ran behind one of the buildings facing Sugar Cube Corner. There, in the distance, was Rairty. Quickly Spike, knelt down pulling out a piece of parchment and quill from his trench coat pocket, spreading them out across the dirt floor. He then proceeded to carefully note the time of day.
"Okay it's, 2 O'clock now," Spike consulted whilst deep in his own thoughts, "She's probably going back to the boutique."
He turned around to more formally address his friends. "Any opinions?"
Soarin was hunched over an empty barrel, hawking up something from the back of his throat. Discord looked on in concern, as he patted Soarin on the back. He then turned his face to look down at Spike, who was still waiting for a reply, before he knowingly did something stupid.
"None here, captain." Discord shrugged, "Lead on."
Rather than putting Soarin through teleportation sickness again, the three made their way over to Rarity's home as quickly as possible. Rarity was still quite some way away, so they had plenty of time to put Spike's plan into action.
...Which was?
Spike gulped and turned to walk away. "Um, great job guys," he said, rather unconvincingly, "let's...erm, call it quits and go home."
"Oh no!" Soarin yelled, "I did not get put through teleporting twice just for you to wimp-out! Now go and get on her good side!"
Spike knew Soarin was right, he had to get this over with. But there a feeling, a sickening ache, in the back of his mind that that told him he'd regret it. It'd be better to live life alone with a dream, than to have it crushed and still have to live without any hopes. Rarity was everything he'd dreamed about since he got to Ponyville! If that went...what would he do with himself?
He could at least try. He wasn't going to escape the friendzone by waiting, Celestia knows how long he's already waited to build up some courage. Spike was a very noble person, and would risk anything for a friend in need. He was courageous when doing what was necessary, because he didn't worry about himself. But love was a completely different matter. He could be flying one moment and then come plumiting down in depression the next (metaphorically speaking).
But no. He'd taken the initiation. He was going to see this through! He was going to escape the friendzone, if it meant getting Rarity to like him, or it meant giving up...and he really hoped it wouldn't come to that.
"Okay," Spike mummbled in defeat, "what should I do? Look in the guide?"
"Please Spike, personally I think that thing is a recipe for disaster. You need to try something fresh!" said Discord.
"Like what?" Spike asked weakly.
"Like this."
Operation: get Rarity to notice Spike so he can can ask her out Step 2: Playing it cool
With a snap of his fingers, Discord trashed the coats, scarves and hats. Discord then proceeded to look Spike up and down, a measuring tap drapped lazily over his shoulders. He took a step back and with one eye shut, measured Spike against his thumb for a sense of perspective. Spike was confident that Discord had no idea what he was doing, but it certainly looked proffesional.
"For starters," Discord mummbled, a look of concentration etched across his brow, "you gotta look the part."
Soarin picked up on where Discord was headed with this. "Hey, yeah! Rarity loves fashion right?"
Spike perked up at the thought. "So what did you have in mind?"
Discord tapped his thumb against his chin, before sharing his thoughts with the group.
"Bad boy." Discord said, a sly grin coming across his face.
"Bad boy?" Spike said, doubt riddled in his expression.
"Of course," Discord explained, taking the two into his confidence, "Spikey-Wikey here is a dear sweet fellow. He's humble, and bends to the will of those he cares most for. He's innocent and well...too nice."
"Excuse me?"
"You're too sweet. Yes Rarity likes class, and a good gentlecolt, but inside she has a burning desire for adventure. Someone to make her his without being so mushy. 'A diamond in the rough', in a sense."
"So you're saying, Rarity doesn't like-like me because I'm kind, sweet and pure of heart."
"Basically."
"What the crap dude! What girl doesn't want that?!"
"A girl who is a lot more complex than you think..."
Spike finally let up. The worst part about this whole ordeal was having to let go of everything that was holding back. The things he clung to for safety. If he let go, he'd be at the mercy of all the critiscism and truths that seemed to spit in his face.
Boy, the friendzone stinks.
Half the time, it's you who puts yourself there in the first place, and that fact only made Spike feel even more stupid. But now wasn't the time to feel sorry, now was the time to take on the challenge. If he stayed, nothing would change, he'd still be alone. But if he embraced reality, there was hope of getting what he so desired. Not just Rarity, but what she represented; Love, happiness, beauty. If there was even the smallest chance of getting that, then he'd go for it. He just hoped the saying, 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' was true.
Putting his game face on, he nodded with determination in his eye. "Let's do this!"
"okay Spike, now remember, you've got to be cool. Flowing like the sea, not really caring either way. Be aloof, not strongly oppinionated about anything. Keep her interested." Discord said, preparing Spike for his first swing at escaping the friendzone.
"Go get 'em buddy!" Soarin cheered, throwing him a big smile and a knock on the shoulder.
Spike was kitted out in a black leather jacket and shades. Spike had insisted on a tie as well, so as not to seem too intimidating. He gave a shaky smile and a thumbs-up before running forwrd into position. He stationed himself into a lax position, legs infront of him while leaning against the mailbox, arms perched eaither side of him on top of the jewel encrested mailbox. He tried to bring his breathing under control. This was it, make or break. His back stiffened in fear at the thought then he eased himself back. He needed to look aloof, he reminded himself.
Suddenly, Rarity came into view. Her eye lashes lined her eyes beautifully as she trotted down the street in all her grace and glory. Spike felt the butterflies, the dizziness and the headache, but he also felt warmth, courage joy that seemed to quench the fear. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he checked over himself once again and then turned his head away to stare at something or other in the distance.
"Oh, hello Spike." Rarity greeted cheerily. She made it her personal goal to greet any of her friends when she saw them, it was the polite thing to do.
'Okay, here it goes', Spike thought.
He seemed to stir a bit, as if waking up and turned his head to look at Rarity.
"Oh, hey Rarity. What are you doing here?" He said in a relaxed, stoic tone.
Rarity giggled, "You and your sense of humor. I live here Spikey-Wikey."
'NIMROD!!' Spike mentally yelled at himself, 'ABSOLUTE TWIT! It's her flippin' house...quick gotta bring it back, gotta act aloof.'
"Huh, didn't notice." Spike huffed carelessly.
Rarity's smile faltered as she looked at him in confusion. "But, you've been here before darling."
"Yeah...well, you know me, I'm neither here nor there. But it's a nice place I guess."
"You guess?" Rarity seemed skeptical about Spike's answer. Spike would never settle for an 'I guess'. Normally he'd go all-out to compliment every detail. Frankly Spike's answer had been rude and offensive, but Rarity wasn't going to let that phase her. She'd just excuse herself and get back to work. Spike would be back to his normal self soon, she was sure of it.
"Well," Rarity said politely, "it has been lovely seeing you dear, but I have a client to get to you see, sooo..."
Shoot! He was losing her. He needed to keep her attention, but how? He was doing well, he just needed to fight to keep her attention. What did the guide book say? Something about getting to 'know the target'...
"Umm, need any help?" Spike tried desperately, his voice returning to a more pleading tone.
"So long as you're quiet...I suppose so." Rarity said.
Spike gave a satisfied smile and followed Rarity in.
Inside, Spike helped Rarity on a dress. In his mind, he had scored big time. He finally had some quality alone time with Rarity! He felt happy and content, and in his joy he'd completely forgotten about the plan, the bad boy ego, everything. It was just him and Rarity. That's when the shop's bell rang as a customer walked in through the door.
"Spike, darling," Rairty said, trying to concentrate on her work, "would you be a dear and see to my client?"
"Sure thing!" Spike said in an eager, chirpy tone.
He walked into the lobby, too lost in thought to actually take notice of the customer.
"Welcome to Carousel Boutique," Spike began, "Where everything is chique , unique and magnifiiii ..."
Spike's voice died, lost in his throat. There, standing in the middle of the lobby, was Thunderlane.
'What is he doing here?' Spike thought. Then a thought crossed his mind. A terrifying thought that filled him with fear and caused sweat to form on his brow. Was he...A foe? Competition? That bad boy character Discord spoke of?
Spike was in trouble and he knew it. Surviving in the friendzone was as easy so long as you had the upper hand, a chance of escaping. But an obstacle had chosen to present itself and suddenly, things looked a lot bleaker.
Thunderlane looked over at Spike, who had abandoned the shades and jacket, leaving only the tie. This eased Thunderlane's nerves. Thunderlane wouldn't have been caught dead in a fashion boutique, but this was a desperate occasion. So here he was, and there was a dude wearing a tie, so obviously he must work there. Glad to see he wasn't the only male, he smiled and walked over to Spike.
"Hi, I'm looking for Rarity?" Thunderlane asked, a tone of nervousness in his voice.
'Of course he is', thought Spike cynically.
"In the back." Spike snarled through gritted teeth.
The guide had put it quite bluntly to frighten the living daylights out of the enemy. This was easy for Spike to pull off; being a dragon, he already had presence. As he snarled out of jealous anger, he gave Thunderlane a full display of his dagger-like teeth. In the least, it was very intimidating.
Thunderlane's ears flopped to the side of his head as his pupils shrank in fear. Trying to put out the 'heart-warming' images of being baked alive or eaten by the dragon, Thunderlane cleared his throat, composing himself. So the clerk wasn't friendly, no-biggie.
"Thanks." Thunderlane said before circling around Spike, feeling his death-stare cutting into him. Avoiding eye contact, he quickened his pace.
Spike smirked. Luna, the guide might be a load of crap, but it had some good tips. The 'dragon stare of death' was definitely a keeper.
Returning to his thoughts, Spike checked another item off of his agenda.
Step 3: Eliminate competition.
Check.
Author's Note
Thus we come to the close of another chapter.
As for the instance in the beginning of this chapter, where everypony just excuses randomness as being normal. This is totally legit. It's Ponyville for cryin' out load! Stuff like this goes down all the time it's normal.
Marshall out.
Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
Once you feel you have done all that you can to gain her attention, You must make the leap to escape the friendzone. Be honest, Be true, Say what you mean and what you feel, This is the only way to set in motion, the chain of events that will free you From the friendzone. Be it bitter or sweet.
Thunderlane and Rarity had spent ages talking and conversing over something or other. Spike really wasn't listening, only watching, as if eyeing his prey before he pounced. Thunderlane said something and Rarity laughed one of her most beautiful laughs. How? She'd never done that when he was around! Spike growled low as his glare intensified.
He was angry, lonely and frustrated, and had been death-staring the stallion ever since he walked in.
Thunderlane was all too aware of Spike's behaviour. "What's up with your assistant?" he whispered to Rarity.
Rarity took a glance over Thunderlane's shoulder and saw Spike, with eyes of fire, glaring at them. "I don't know," she relied in confidentiality, "is he bothering you?"
Thunderlane nodded dumbly.
Rarity walked towards Spike and put a hoof to his shoulder, hoping to direct his stare away from her customer.
"Spike?" Rarity cooed with a concerned tone. Spike turned his head down to look at her, his expression softening, "Darling, would you mind leaving us? Thunderlane is feeling a tad bit...intimidated."
Spike nodded. He'd never question Rarity's decision. After all, this was her shop and her business. Maybe Thunderlane was just another customer. Well, best leave them with an experience to remember.
Spike stood, a cocky grin across his face, as he starred down again at Thunderlane. He cracked his knuckles, pressing one fist against the other hand, before cracking his neck, keeping his dominant gaze fixed on Thunderlane the entire time. He then took two steps forward and extended his claw.
"Have a nice day." Spike said in a low tone.
He widened his grin, putting his teeth on display once again. Thunderlane looked into his face and shook, before extending his hoof. Spike grabbed it firmly and shook it, slowly applying pressure. Sweat was starting to form on Thunderlane's brow and he winced in muted pain. He put on an unconvincing smile, trying to be as friendly as possible. Spike let go of Thunderlane's thoroughly crushed, but unbroken, hoof. He then turned and walked out to wait.
Once Thunderlane left, Rarity walked back into the lobby, wanting to talk to Spike. What had he been thinking, frightening her customers like that?
"Spike?" Rarity called out.
Spike walked out from a place where he'd been skulking. He looked at her with a look of sincere apology and shame.
"Rarity..." Spike began. He felt crumby and his face showed it. He'd only been thinking about himself while he'd been here. It had been getting Rarity to like him , getting her to notice him. What about her? The whole 'tough guy' stunt with Thunderlane had been pathetic and petty. In the end, the only thing he'd accomplished was possibly scaring off a potential customer, which certainly wouldn't win him any points with Rarity.
Rarity held up a hoof to stop him. "Spike, it's okay, you don't have to explain." Rarity cooed with a smile. Seeing his expression had said all she wanted to know. "Thank you for helping and coming over. It was good to have some company."
She then turned away from him to sort out something or other.
Spike took comfort in this, but he knew he was just stalling now. Nothing would change unless he asked her. But he couldn't. Not now at least. But there was one thing...
Spike coughed and cleared his throat. "Sooo...what was Thunderlane here for?"
Rarity stiffened. She turned around and smiled weakly. Was she afraid? "Oh...erm, that. Yes, well, Thunderlane came to pick up something for his marefriend, darling. Thunderlane isn't a regular customer, but once and a while, a stallion looks to impress."
Spike heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh right. Great! I mean, that's good to know." Spike smiled.
"May I ask why?" Rarity said, twirling the ends of her main nervously.
"Oh. It was like you said...he just didn't seem the type to come in here."
"Right."
Neither of them spoke for a while. Both of them were too enveloped in their own thoughts. Spike wanted to make sure that if he was going to ask her out, that everything was perfect. But that wasn't why he refrained from speaking now. Something was amiss about Rarity's behavior.
She was usually so confident, taking everything in her stride. But right now, her eyes darted restlessly around the room, and she massaged her hoof uncomfortably. Spike knew Rarity better than anyone. She wasn't telling him something and he knew it. Well, that made two of them.
Spike took the hint to leave and said his goodbyes. Rarity, though she'd never admit to it, seemed relieved by this.
"You're a good friend Spike. Thank you once again." Rarity said as she showed him out.
A good friend...
"You didn't tell her did you?" Discord sighed disappointed.
"No..."
"Tough luck bro. Well, I think we've done all we can here. It's all on you now Spike." Soarin said as he started to return home. Then he turned with a grave expression. "Just...just don't get too upset when...Well..."
Discord stayed for a bit, looking intently at Spike. Though others may have thought Discord a bad influence and a plague to society, Discord was a loyal friend and at times wise. As he often said, after being alive for so long, one learns to be perceptive and observing.
What he observed in Spike was something he himself had once felt for so long. A loneliness and a longing for love. And though Twilight would never admit to her precious brother being a monster and an outcast, Discord knew Spike for what he was; A dragon in a world of ponies. You've gotta stick together in a world like that. Maybe that was why they had been such good friends? They had found something of themselves in each other.
But Discord saw something else. A need. A resigned manner that whispered of Spike's need to get something off his chest. A need for honesty.
"What happened in there Spike?"
He didn't whisper or show any hesitation. It was just a straight forward, rather blunt, question. It was a demand.
"There's something she isn't telling me Discord. There's something that's off. I can't help but think it's me..."
Discord didn't move. He just stood with his arms folded, a stoic expression painted across his face.
Spike looked up, his large eyes watering. He looked crushed. "Is it because I'm not good enough?" He yelled at Discord.
"Is it because I'm not perfect? Is it because I'm just a 'good friend'? IS IT BECAUSE I'M A DRAGON?"
Spike stood trembling, fists clenched and tears flowing freely. Discord nodded, knowing Spike had fully vented.
"Spike," Discord spoke softly, "do you know what the guide book meant by 'survival'?"
Spike didn't respond, but Discord continued. "Spike, surviving the friendzone is about accepting the truth. You'll never be able to move on from the loneliness, or the sleepless nights of indecision without accepting truth, whatever it is. You must accept your position in others lives. Surviving is learning to live happily and at peace with or without.
He paused momentarily, checking if Spike was listening before he continued.
"What you're looking for, you won't find without coming clean. With yourself and with her."
Spike was silently staring at Discord, his eyes red, but dry. "How?" Was all he said.
"How I know this or how should you come clean? Well, I can answer both." Discord stated in a tone that was completely matter-of-fact. "I was once found myself in your position, suffering from what I thought to be unrequited love. I decided, nothing was going to change unless I said something so I did. I didn't feel alive Spike, but I was stilling living. It needed to stop, I needed to survive. To do that, I had to act. What matters was not the answer I received, but the relief that came from saying it. Any problems or personal strife from then on was a new problem in itself, but I knew that I had been able to move beyond the friendzone.
"Soarin was right in what he said about the friendzone; it doesn't exist. So yes, a girl may like you or not, but the 'friendzone' is a place you put yourself. It's a mentle frame of mind limiting yourself to only misery. That's what I know from experience. As to how you should do this, I suppose you should do what you feel is best. Just be honest, okay Spike?"
Spike nodded with a weak smile. He was glad to see Discord's more caring side but he still felt scared of what would happen. But regardless, he thanked Discord and they embraced, slapping each other on the back (man hugging). Then they departed their separate ways.
Spike had to tell Rarity how he felt. He had to do it tonight. He refused to take the pain and uncertainty anymore. He needed to know if she loved him or not, else it would eat at him forever. But before that, he had one item of business he needed to attend to.
The Apple family sat around their table to have dinner. By now, it was the early evening about 6 O'clock, typical meal time for the Apple family. Well, at least for those with appetites.
Applejack was uncharacteristically not hungry, much to the slight horror of her grandmother and siblings.
They sat quietly around the table, picking at their food tentatively as they shot Applejack concerned glances between bites. Applejack herself was absentmindedly prodding her apple pie with her fork, her head resting on her hoof, which was propped up on the table by her elbow.
Applebloom glanced between her family sternly and slammed her forks down. "That's it!" She yelled, "What in tarnation's gotten inta y'all?"
"Ask Applejack." Big Mac grumbled, his deep voice almost inaudible to the untrained ear.
"You wanna make somethin' o'that Big Macintosh?" Applejack scowled, pointing her fork at him.
"Nope."
This is when Granny Smith chose to cut in. "Now, c'mon chillins. Ain't no need fer scawblin' now, ya hear? But yer siblings do have point darlin'. Anything the matter? Something on yer mind?"
Applejack looked down frowning. Just yesterday, she'd bumped into Spike, and the way she'd made her feel was something almost unimaginable. Nothing that any of her dreams could match at least. The way he had held her in his strong, safe hands...It was all too much for a girl.
At first she'd tried denying these thoughts, but they kept coming back until she couldn't deny it anymore. She hadn't wanted to at that point. The way her dreams made her feel was beyond anything she'd ever felt. She'd been happy and complete with him in her dreams. He was her dream.
Applejacks silence was just as good as a yes for Granny Smith as she proceeded to list her grand daughters symptoms. "Honey, ya don't eat as much anymore, ya stare off into the distance, ya go fer long walks..."
"She talks in her sleep too!" Applejack pipped up.
"Eeyup." Big Mac nodded.
Applejack shot her little sister a glare. It wasn't just embarrassing, it was a rude act of sisterly of betrayal!
Granny Smith looked at Applejack for a confirmation of what had been said. Her blush and silent refrain said it all. Granny chuckled, a knowing look across her face. "Well, well. Hehe. He must be something real special to get you all riled up 'n' such like this Applejack. Why didn't ya say sooner? And why haven't I seen 'im?"
Applejack gasped in horror and her blush deepened. Her siblings gazed at her slack jaw, their cutlery clanging to the table. Then, a torrent of questions and ruckus comments broke out amongst the family, in a fashion that could only be defined as a classic 'Apple family style' dynamic.
"Mah sister has a crush!" Applebloom squealed as she bubbled up in her seat excitedly.
"Ah didn't say nothin' about..." Applejack began, but was immediately cut off.
"Is 'e a cutie, or tough? A real Clint East-hoof character!" Applebloom continued, not waiting for her sister to respond.
"Nope." Was all Big Mac said. Not replying to anyone specifically, just giving his general verdict on the matter. "Hay Nope."
"Applejack dear, if you're affraid yer brother might beat 'im up, then I understand. Or has he already been here before?"
"Well..."
"Ohmegoshohmegoshohmegosh! He so has! Has he been seeing you alone? Aww, that's so romantic!"
"Nope."
"Applejack, dearie, he du'nt chuck at the windows none does he? Hate fer one of 'em ta break..."
"Are ya seein' him again soon? Tonight even!"
"NOPE!!!!"
"EeeeNOUGH!" Applejack screamed slamming her hooves on the table. She was standing on her hind legs, supporting herself on the table. She was trembling in fury, her face red from shame and embarrassment, but when Applejack can't express it, it immediately turns to anger. And she was far past livid.
"I'm a girl, fer Pete's sake! Can't I get love sick, consarnit! Can't I get sappy? Can't I dream an' long fer love! I don't wanna be lonely an' workin' all mah blasted life! Is it a crime to want someone to be with you?" Applejack screamed with tears in her eyes.
They all went silent at Applejack's sudden outburst. Big Mac looked down uncertain how to reply; Applejack never cried enless it meant something...or really hurt. Applebloom stared at her sister in fright and awe. She never knew her sister could be so sappy, yet so passionate. Applejack had her teeth gritted in a pained expression. Granny Smith simply nodded and sighed sadly.
"Of course you are, Applejack. We're sorry for pressurin' you. Ya don't have ta say anythin' if you don't want to."
Applejack looked at her grandmother in gratitude, the red in cheeks dying down.
"Ah guess we did over-react, just a mite..." Applebloom trailed off apologetically.
Applejack frowned. "A mite? Would 'a' said it was more than a mite!"
"Eeyup." (I really don't need to tell you who said that)
There was then a knock at the door. Quickly, everyone sat down and adjusted themselves, hoping that they all appeared happy and pleasent. The perfect family. No disagreements here. Nope.
Anyway, once everyone had scrambled back to their places and sat with backs straight, Granny Smith cleared her throat.
"C'mon in, ya hear?" She hollered out.
The door opened and closed. Heavy footsteps came from the front before the owner came through to the kitchen.
"Hey, is AJ here?" Spike huffed out of breath, popping his head around the corner to look into the dinning area.
Applejack visually lit up, a smile and a blush coming to her face. She turned around to face him as she stroked her hair down nervously.
"H-h-hi Spike!" She beamed, slightly slipping on her first words.
"Hey." Spike greeted, waving his hand and smiling, "you got a moment?"
"Um...yeah. Sure thing Spike! Jus' gimme a moment, sugarcube." Applejack said cheerfully.
Spike nodded and walked out to give the family some privacy.
Applejack seemed to have completely changed within a matter of seconds. She was blushing and smiling broadly. She even squeeled and danced a little in her seat like a filly on her birthday. Not for the first time that night, her siblings merely stared at her slack jawed. Granny Smith laughed openly.
"Go get 'im honey!" Granny laughed teasingly.
Applejack, nodded and jumped up and rushed out the door after Spike. "Thanks Granny!" She yelled behind her.
After a moment or two, Applebloom looked at Big Mac flabbergasted.
"Was that AJ? What just happened? How..." Applebloom trailed off, no longer able to put together words.
Big Mac pushed away his plate and crossed his arms.
"Nope."
Author's Note
So there we have it! Almost done with this one.
This is basically how I imagined the Apple family dinner
Thanks and credits go out to NerfStranger for inspiring this chapter with his comment. I wanted to have 'bro' mooment between Spike and his buddies to expand on the depth of their friendship, and the idea of Discord having been in the friendzone in the past was perfect!
I want expand on the characters of Applejack, Rarity and Spike next chapter. Hopefully this'll make 'friendzone ain't magic ' more believable.
I'm gonna be at summer camp this week, so I can't update till the week after, so I hope this'll be enough to keep you guys interested.
But for now...
Marshall out.
Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
Sometimes, it is best to remain a friend, Sometimes, things are less strained once you let go and come clean. The true test of survival is moving on. Staying jealous and lonely will only harm. It is vital that no matter what, You are content with the outcome.
Spike and Applejack walked for a bit through the seemingly endless acres of apple orchards. Though at times silence, Spike managed to hold some conversation with her. His attempts at small talk were extremely sloppy and Applejack could tell something was bothering him, but she didn't want to bring it up, not yet. For now, she'd just try and enjoy his company.
Spike and Twilight had first moved into Ponyville one or two years back. Applejack still remembered the day fondly. It had been a pleasent day, and having most of her extended family there had made it even better! Then out of nowhere came the most clueless of Unicorns and her pet Dragon.
Applejack chuckled aa the memories rushed back. Then she paused. Something she'd thought hadn't seemed right. What was it? That was it. 'Pet Dragon'. What was Spike anyway? He wasn't a pet, yet a wasn't exactly treated as a peer.
She continued to ponder this question in silence while she starred at Spike who was looking at the sky. He was the fascinating creature she'd ever seen. His scales glinted brilliantly in the setting sun's light and his eyes were both soft and piercing. He was a dragon, the fiercest of predators. With strength to move boulders, fire to burn down forests, fangs to rip at and pierce through anything, and finally, his intellignet claws, for careful, precise work or for hacking cutting things with such ease, it would be like cutting through butter with a hot knife!
But that wasn't Spike. He was intelligent and optimistic. Humble and selfless, always willing to help when anypony needs it. He loved it, and though Spike would have thought himself greedy and self-centred, Applejack saw his heart to be purer than any gem or jewel. Yes, he could be prideful and obnoxious when joking around, but it was his attempt at being funny, trying to lighten the mood. But when ever duty called, he was hard-working and dilligent.
It seemed increadible that anypony could undermine him, a person so loyal and hard working as Spike, as being some kinf of pet! Then Applejack's expression fell in sad realisation. She looked up again and saw Spike walking forward, a serious look in his eye. He'd always been undermined hadn't he? His entire existance seemed to be for some sort of cruel comic relief! He be pushed aside as just moral support or an assitant, but he did so much behind the scenes, never asking anything in return. Or maybe he had...
It crossed Applejack's mind that a person like Spike, who was always optimistic and submissive, would probably live in denial of the fact that they were lonely or seemingly unloved. Spike was infact loved by all his friends, but were they truely his friends? did they act like it? They rarely displayed any signs of affection towards as a peer or even a person, they'd just excuse anything he said as being cute or ignorant rather than take him as a serious friend. She, herself, had rarely sought out time with him. It was just whenever they had seen Twilight he'd been there, like a parasite or tag on, never actually part of the group.
For what had seemed like forever, he had worked and toiled for unrequieted affection from friends and his beloved Rarity. He had cluung onto every hope of someday having his feelings taken seriously. Maybe that was what he honestly yearned for; his feelings and himself in turn, to be taken seriously for once. Maybe that was what Rarity represented to him. Not just a person, but she embodied and personified all the attention and love he inwardly desired; if she could notice him, he would finally feel like a real person.
Maybe he hadn't realised it yet, but it seemed pretty clear to Applejack this was the true reason he loved Rarity. And the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. he worked and toiled for Rarity and the hopes of returned affection that she represented.
Then Applejack turned her head to the ground in anger and shame. She grit her teeth and kicked a rock under her hoof as she continued onward. She had part of that! Why had she not loved him sooner? Why hadn't she been there for him? Would he ever forgive her?
Spike looked ahead as the sun continued to set, paitning the horizon line in a dazzling crimson. He'd come here for one reaon. To ask Applejack for help. Both the guide and Discord had said he needed to be honest, and if there was one pony who could help him with that it was Applejack. But at the sametime, he didn't want to call her out here, just to talk about his mare problems, she was a friend, and deserved his attention also. So he'd let them walk and talk for a bit, but the night was coming and Spike knew now that he was just stalling.
"Can we stop here AJ?" Spike asked looking out over the beautiful landscape.
"Sure thing Spike." Applejack said, sniffling slightly.
This caught Spike's attention. His eyes widened at the sound of her slightly stiffled whimper. He turned his body to face her. She looking away her face turned, her eyes to the ground. Her cheek was tear stained and the moisture in her eyes glinted in the intense light of the sunset, her hair flowing in the light breeze. it was a perfect day, but its beauty was swiftly silenced by Applejack's own beauty.
'Wow.' Spike thought.
Spike's brain went completely dead. Why did she look so cute when she was upset?
They both sat on a hill, facing out to a clear and open field, the sunset setting a peaceful and magical atmosphere.
Magical ...gosh, that's cheesey...
In the perfect setting with a beautiful mare, Spike couldn't help but feel flustered. Here he was, asking for advice on how to ask out Rarity from a mare who was just as beautiful and caring.
Truth be told, spike would have been lying if he said he didn't hold any sort of feelings for Applejack. Frankly, why wouldn't he? She was cute and hard working and honest and dependable. A good friend. He often took notice of these things, but always gave all his attention to Rarity. So yeah, he did have a bit of crush on AJ. He had often thought of her whenever his attempts at wooing Rarity had ultimately failed. But felt she deserved more than that; she deserved more than just being someone's 'plan B'.
Spike then shook himself from his thoughts. Enough about him and his problems! Applejack was upset and something needed to be done about that.
"Applejack?" Spike asked, gaining her attention.
Applejack looked at him, smiling. "Yeah?"
"What's wrong?" Spike asked in concern.
Applejack forze up. Great, he'd noticed her cry. Why did she only let Spike see her emotions?
'Bit of a stupid question Applejack...' Applejack thought.
Truth was, Applejack liked Spike. No, scratch that. She loved Spike. He was the best person she'd ever met! She must have started falling for him back last hearth's warming. They'd had a sleepover at Twilight's and she'd been sleepless. Spike stayed up with her so she wouldn't be lonely. Just another thing to add the list of reasons why Spike was amazing. Anyway, they'd passed the time talking. She'd felt herself open up to him like she had to no one else. After that, she couldn't stop thinking about him. She noticed everything he did and how giving he was. The more she'd thought about him, the more she'd grown to love him.
But she couldn't tell him that. She couldn't get in the way of him and Rairty ...no matter how much she deeply wanted to.
"It doesn't matter none, sugarcude, don't you worry." Applejack said smiling. Technically, that wasn't a lie. She didn't matter, so long as Spike was happy. At least, that's what she told herself.
"But it does." Spike tried again, "You matter Applejack, so come on. What's up?"
Applejack felt her heart skip a beat, before she broke. It was pointless trying to resist him anyway. She'd never lie to him, and he was Spike, he wouldn't give up until Applejack was happy. In that aspect, they were very similar. His caring personality frustrated her and made her love him even more. Love is weird.
"Spike, sugarcube," Applejack sighed in defeat, "I need ta ask for yer forgiveness."
Spike was taken aback by this. "For what?" He asked confused.
"Fer bein' such a horrible friend."
"What! AJ, you're a great friend." Spike said, inching closser to her, hoping to comfort her further.
Applejack shook her head her lip quivering slightly as a tear escaped her eye. "No, Ah haven't."
She proceeded before he could interupt her. "You're so kind and generous but you never get anything back. You never complain about it neither! An' yet, Ah've treated ya like you don't even exist, it's disgustin' an' I'm terribly ashamed fer never including you, I mean truely including ya, Spike! So...I'm sorry, truely sorry."
She held her hat to her chest as she looked up at Spike who sat wide-eyed in silence. "Can ya ever forgive me?" She asked as a tear rolled down her cheek.
Spike sat for a moment in silence, causing Applejack to quake inwardly in fear of his answer. But then, he just smiled and hugged her in his arms.
"Oh, Applejack..." Spike chuckled lightly comfortingly, "You have nothing to apologise for. Not to me."
"But..." Applejack began in protest.
Spike pulled away to look at her seriously. "So yeah, I'll admit I was a bit upset that I was seemingly left behind a lot. And there were times I felt I was being treated like a clueless child. I'm even guilty of once thinking that I wasn't a friend to you guys. But after growing up, I realise that it wasn't my place to be always there. It wasn't my duty or destiny to do what you six always did. plus, I'm a boy and you're all girls. I get that you guys need your girl time, in the same way that I've now got Discord and Soarin to hang out with. The only thing that still ticks me was that I wasn't able to use the element of loyalty..." Spike said lightly, pouting slightly after his final remark.
Applejack fell into his chest, crying freely now (which was a rarity in itself). "How? You should hate me! Maybe I'm just over reacting...but still. How can ya forgive me so freely?"
"Simple." Spike stated lifting her head up by the chin so she could look at him, "It's because you're my friend Applejack. You'd do the same for me. I guess I just know that it's pointless to feel sad, it doesn't do anything for you, unless you turn that frown upside down."
Applejack giggled lightly, chocking a bit on the tears. Spike was just amazing. Being there in his arms with the sunset just beside them was paradise. For lack of a better word, it was down right romantic.
To Applejack, Spike was just the embodiment of happiness. It wasn't that he denied sadness, but rather he chose to be happy. He didn't feel wronged by fate or reality, because if he allowed himself to he'd only find pain and depression. So instead, Spike took comfort and happiness in service, helping others and just being a background helper. It just seemed to make him even more aweome in her eyes.
They'd both chosen to sit there looking out at the sunset as they made light conversation. One thing had been apparent to Applejack the entire time they'd been talking. Spike hadn't come here just to see her for her sake, he had something else on his mind. Applejack didn't want to break the moment, which was to her, as close to perfect as her relationship with Spike would allow. But, she knew she had to help him, even if it did break the scerenity.
"Why'd you come here Spike?" Applejack asked, cocking her head to one side, allowing her blonde mane to fall across the side of her face.
Spike seemed to hold his breath, apprehensive to answer the question. "I came to talk about Rarity." Spike said slowly, picking and choosing words closely. "Not that I'm not interested in how you and your family are and such...it's just..."
Spike paused, taking his time. Applejack held her breath, knowing what was coming.
"I'm going to ask her out. Tonight."
Applejack smiled, but no words came to her. All of a sudden, she felt cold, and there was a deep emptiness in her chest. Why couldn't breathe? Her vision seemed to blur and she found herself looking straight towards the horizon. The vibrant colours seemed to fade a bit, her eyes open and unblinking. She was looking, but she saw nothing. There was no focus. Then there was that shadowy emptiness eating at her. Why couldn't she feel the heat of the sun? She was alive, but to her, she felt dead.
"That's great." She heard herself say.
'No it ain't, say somethin'!'
"Really? That's why I came to you, see. You're the most honest and dependable pony I know. I just thought I could get some advice on how I should present yourself."
'Ya don't need to change Spike, yer perfect! You are ta me.'
"Just be yourself. Honesty is the best policy." Applejack smiled weakly.
"That's what everyone else told me! But I'll sound like such an idiot if I blurt it out."
'You aren't an idiot Spike, you're the most wonderful person I've ever met.'
"Then don't blurt it out. Be cool and calm, but be honest."
"Cool and collected...okay. Thanks AJ," Spike said embracing her, "I really needed that. You're a great friend."
Applejack smiled back at him and yelled out to him, as he left down the path, out of Sweet Apple Acres. "Go get her tiger!"
'You desrve her...' Applejack thought solemnly, as she stood alone on the hill, a tear rolling silently down her cheek.
Spike arrived at Rarity's house at Eight O'clock. It was dark outside and the stars were out, silently cheering him on. Spike was cooling himself down.
'Here goes nothing,' Spike thought as he adjusted a tie he's put on for the occasion.
'...Or everything.' He finished grimly.
His heart beat could be heard, ringing in his ears as he knock once, twice.
Then he waited.
Oh, Celestia...What was he doing out here!?
He rocked back and forth on his feet in an attempt to calm his nerves. He had to be in control.
Hoofsteps could be heard from inside. Then the door opened.
Rarity looked out to see Spike smiling nervously at her. She was about to speak before Spike began, speaking confidently.
"Rarity, I've had feelings for you for along time now and I can't hide it anymore. I love you. You're the most beautiful mare I've ever met and you have a heart of gold. It's killing me, not knowing how you feel...so I guess, I came here to ask. Rarity, I love you, but what do you. I need you to know that."
Rarity chocked on her words, not knowing how to respond. Why now?
"Spike, darling, you are so kind and generous, a real gentledrake. But I'm sorry...I can't. I don't love you."
Silence.
Spike felt his mouth go dry and his heart stop. So there it was. Her answer. No.
It had all happend so fast, it didn't seem real. It couldn't have happened! What does one do in this situation? He couldn't breathe and he could feel himself suffocating.
He felt himself nod and back away.
"I understand." Spike said, trying furiously to swallow down the sadness. To survive the agony he felt.
But by now, he was long dead. All hope for him and Rarity was dead.
"You know I'll always love you as a friend, Spikey-wikey." Rarity said softly, in a voice that reeked of pity.
That just made it worse. Spike chuckled weakly and walked away, allowing himself to be swallowed up by the shadow of the night.
It's increadible that the heart makes no noise when it cracks.
Rarity leaned against her door flustered. Why now? Why had she waited to tell him? At least she could have spared him the humiliation of being rejected.
Rarity had known for quite some time that her dear Spikey-wikey professed to loved her. But Rarity had always been hesitant to tell him the truth. She's had to break it to him somehow, that she just didn't like him like that, but she'd never found a way. She'd known something was wrong when he'd come by earlier and she had guessed it was this. Why had he done it? Didn't he see she didn't love him? Not like that...
Rarity loved her friends, and would do anything to give them the best of the world. So when confronted with this dilema she had done nothing. She couldn't have just crushed poor Spike, it was so cruel, but how else could she get him to leave behind this fantasy? So she'd done nothing, caught between a rock and a hard place, fearing every outcome, but knowing at heart, that heartbreak was inevitable. So when Spike had confronted her, she just had to stop and be honest. He would get over it, she hoped, but she couldn't help but feel for his torment. It was like hell, with no clear sight of any end.
Applejack was in hell, with no clear sighet of an end to her torment.
A friend, that's what he'd called her...just a friend. She'd never be anything more.
When Spike had left, Applejack had cried as she ran to her house and straight up to her room, where she dived onto her bed and cried in pain and sadness. She'd never been painted as a girly-girl, but when it came to boys and heart ache, she could certainly cry like one. She never let anyone see this side of her.
It was all one cruel cycle, the same cycle she'd imagined Spike in. Some kind of sick joke. The devil's comic relief.
Or Discord's. Frankly, she couldn't tell the difference.
Spike was just some kid, to be laughed at when thrown aside by somepony who was considered to be far better than them, the audience laughing on at his stupid hopes of happiness with an untouchable girl. The person who lived only to be rejected, and people would find cruel amusement in his foolish tenacity. Sad comdedy.
All of a sudden, Applejack felt herself at the end of the sick and twisted joke.
Spike deserved the best.
He'd be better off with Rarity.
It was now nine O'clock at night and most of ponyville was happily asleep.
After Big mac had tried comforting his little sister, threatening to clobber whomever had caused his sister such pain, Applejack had gotten up, cramed her hat on her head and left for her night job.
Applejack often worked off feelings of anger and sadness; work gave her something else to focus on rather than what she saw as pure selfishness. She worked hard to keep the farm alive, and so worked part time as a bar made in the local pub.
And who have guessed on this fateful night, two sad and dejected persons would meet in that same pub the next four days, wallowing in the pit that was the friendzone. But so it was, as Applejack walked in, taking no notice of the customers, as she worked her way behind the bar.
"A can of cold root beer." Came a voice in a cold and icey tone.
Applejack looked up and saw Spike, his eyes burning with venom and menace. Applejack felt her heart break as she saw the mess Spike was in, but she obeyed and gave him what he wanted. Then, he lumbered back to his seat in the corner where he'd spend the next four days of his miserable life.
Spike sat heavily in his seat and drained the can of its contents in one, before turning his red, puffy eyes to a book, that lay tattered and used on the table. It was open to last page. Spike read on.
Well done for surviving the friendzone, But your true test brother is living with the outcome. Accepted or rejected, Take comfort in the knowledge that you are now free of having to hide your feelings. Your quest is now complete brother.
Spike read it once more, then closed the book.
He then proceeded to insinerate the survival guide.
"Useless garbage." He muttered.
Big deal, he'd told Rarity about his feelings and he'd conquered his mental barrier of the 'friendzone', but what did it matter if she didn't return them. The thought of it tore him apart.
And he wondered how he'd ever survive something like that.
The End.
Author's Note
Tah-dah! Thus it ends.
There will be a bonus epilogue chapter, set after the events of the first book. So I'll leave this story labelled 'incomplete' for now. But as for the story in this time period, it is finished.
Please do leave a comment, like and fave (if thou art feeling generous
Marshall Out.
Friendzoned: A declassified survival guide
Your friends cannot decide your course of action on your behalf, but they can certainly influence it. Brother, Know that there are only two escapes. Ask her out Or Give up and move on. But how you choose to approach these options is what will determine your immediate fate. Turn to section 2 for tips on 'Asking her out'. Turn to section 3 for tips on 'Giving up'. See Bonus section for tips on 'Moving on'. ***** Moving on. If you are reading this, it is because things didn't work out as planned. But for better or for worse still remains to be seen. This experience doesn't mean you are doomed to unhappiness, But it does require change and patience. In order to be truely happy, You must first move on. Choose to become something else. Find a new purpose. And in that new purpose, You will find happiness again.
Good luck brother.
Present day
~After the events of 'Friendzone ain't magic'~
Spike sat, reclined against the base of a tall apple tree. Applejack's head rested on his chest, her body curled up against his. She sighed peacefully as she lay there snuggled up against him, nuzzling his chest.
It was paradise.
Spike remembered an evening very much like this, where he and Applejack had sat on the same hill, watching the sun set. At that time, he only had Rarity on his mind, but through the crazy rollercoaster that was life, he'd felt those same feelings direct themselves towards another mare. That mare was Applejack; his entire world.
Applejack was perfect in every aspect and Spike looked up to her in every aspect. She was his dream and purpose for living. Every breath he took was for her. Her beauty couldn't be expressed or matched in words. No word could do her justice. She made him want to become a better person and he strove everyday, to become the best he could be, for her.
But she didn't mind him either way. He had been her dream from the start, and she was just happy to have him with her now.
They'd been dating for the past few months and in that time, they'd both felt themselves change. Spike felt comfortable in love. It wasn't something he worked to obtain, but something for which he now worked to keep and strengthen. Applejack no longer felt vulnerable in expressing her emotion. She felt completely safe with him. For the two, the entire experience was all too unreal, like a dream, that it only be fathamed as being some kind of magic. Some kind of beautiful magic.
Spike looked down again at his marefriend who turned her head to gaze back up at him with large, shinning, emerald eyes. She wore a sincere smile across her face. Spike managed a rather goofy, toothy smile back, earning a cute giggle.
How was she so cute? How was he so dang lucky?
"Applejack." Spike said softly.
"yeah?"
"Love you." Spike chuckled as a pecked her on the forehead.
Applejack sighed in content and hugged her dragon tightly. "Love ya too, sugarcube."
It was magic. It was a dream. There was no way it could have been real.
But it was. Everything Applejack felt for him was so real.
It was love. The most incredible, beatiful and darn infuriating feeling on the planet. It was magic.
Applejack and Spike gazed loveingly at each other again, before they leaned into each other and locked lips in long, sweet kiss.
They both felt the same happiness. In this relationship, they were both winners. And as they sat back down to watch the sunset, they could only think of one thing.
Love is magic.
Author's Note
Epilogue complete.
Hope you guys enjoyed it
Leave an up-vote, a comment and a fave!
Marshall out.
