Discord's Lamp Repository

by Eppie Genetic

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 11536

Need a lamp? Buy it here! No check, bits, or credit accepted. Chaos based forms of payment ONLY!

So, you want a lamp? Need a lamp? Well, you've come to the right place! All lamps are modeled after the one and only Lord of Chaos. Sorry, we don't accept bits or credit. Only acts of Chaos.

Edits by crystachan and Laven_Eclipse

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-11 19:59:50 UTC

Setting up shop.

A large crash sounded as the lamp fell to the floor and shattered into a million tiny pieces.

"Oops," Discord said, a frown on his face. He snapped his fingers and a lamp modeled after himself stood on the end table; the broken one on the floor was nowhere to be found. "There, all better!"

"Oh my goodness, Discord," whispered Fluttershy. Her eyes were wide and her mouth agape. "Discord, that is such an amazing lamp!" she squealed. "It is so much better than what I had. That was very generous of you. I can tell we are just going to be the best of friends!"

Discord looked a little uncomfortable. "Yes, very good friends indeed," he said, unconvinced.

One reform sequence later...

"And then she told me how much she liked the lamp," Discord said to Princess Celestia. "So I was thinking, now that I am reformed, perhaps I should make myself useful here in Canterlot and set up shop somewhere."

Celestia nodded. "I think that would be wonderful, Discord. That way you can be close and we can get to know each other a little better. And it would show ponies that you are a friendly fellow who does not need to be feared." She smiled warmly at him. "I know of a little shop that recently closed that I am sure would be perfect for you. I'll have a guard take you there. Once you get things rolling, I'll pop down. I am sure it would help you drum up some business for ponies to see me there."

Discord did a few flips in the air as he considered. "Yes, that should work."

Celestia motioned to one of the nearby guards and gave him instructions to accompany Discord.

"Have fun, Discord. See you soon." She waved him goodbye.

Only a few hours later...

"You work fast..." Celestia said, a little surprised.

"Being the Lord of Chaos does have its advantages," Discord replied nonchalantly. The pair stood in front of the newly redecorated shop. It was modeled after Discord's head, the door being where his mouth would be, the two upper windows done in stain glass to match his eyes, and the two lower windows covered in writing to mimic speech bubbles.

Celestia made her way to the right window and read out loud, "Pancakes and waffles, buy one get one free.*" Celestia looked at Discord, who was lazily floating in the air playing a ring toss game with himself. She raised an eyebrow, turned back to the window, and took note of some small writing at the bottom. "*Not here, duh. This is a lamp store."

Celestia stifled a laugh and covered her mouth with her hoof to hide her smile. "Well, the outside looks great Discord," she said.

Discord appeared next to her. "Just wait until you see the inside," he said with a grin. The door swung open with a snap of his claws and they made their way inside. The smell of peppermint assaulted her nose, quickly followed by the smell of old socks, to then be replaced by the smell of parchment. Leave it to Discord to have a Super Simple Smell Spell (say that five times fast) in effect. The lights were changing colors in no particular pattern or rhythm. The shelves were packed with lamps of Discord; Discord fishing with a light bulb, Discord standing on his head with a light bulb held in his feet, Discord in a sultry looking bikini striking a pose with a light bulb in his mouth. If you could imagine it, it was there.

“Please, take a look around and let me know which lamp of me you would like! I know there will be one you just have to have. I guarantee it,” Discord grinned as he weaved through the chandeliers, all modeled after himself, of course, and made his way to the counter off to the left.

Shutting her slightly open mouth with a snap, Celestia composed herself. “Oh yes, of course,” she stammered and realized that she had just committed herself to a purchase. Discord watched her with interest as she moved along the shelves. She didn’t want to disappoint her new friend, but she wasn’t entirely sure she really wanted a lamp of him.

Eventually, she came upon a shelf labeled, “ME! and princesses…”

There in the middle was her, the Sun Princess, being ridden by Discord! He was wearing a cowboy hat, chaps, and stirrups. His face had a look of determination on it and his paw reached for the sky. Lamp Celestia was rearing back, her wings spread wide, ears pinned to her head, a bridle and reins adorning her face, and a scowl on her muzzle. Her crown lay crushed beneath her hooves. It looked almost as if Discord was trying to break a wild stallion.

Real pony Celestia gasped. Only one thing crossed her mind; she HAD to have that lamp. She couldn’t identify if it was because she didn’t want her little ponies to see her like that, or if it was because she found it a little funny. Or maybe, just a small part of her wished somepony would ride on her like that. No, that would be improper…

With a golden flash the lamp appeared on the counter in front of Discord. Celestia materialized a moment later. Discord looked at the lamp, a mischievous grin on his face.

“Ah yes, I am particularly fond of this one,” he said.

“Yes, it is very nice,” Celestia retorted. A small, somewhat forced smile graced her lips as she tried to look happy. “How much do I owe you?” A large bag of bits appeared on the counter and the golden aura of her magic pulled the drawstring open.

Discord started to laugh hysterically. Celestia shot him a confused look. After a few moments, Discord composed himself, mostly. “Oh Celly, what do I need bits for? No, I’m much more interested in something else,” he laughed.

Thoughts flashed through Celestia’s mind, ranging from plausible to just impossible. With hesitation, she cleared her throat. “What, uh, exactly do you have in mind?” she asked with a light blush.

Discord’s smile grew so large it popped off of his face! He quickly picked it up and slapped it back on. “Oh, I think a little chaos will do just fine…”

Sale 1: Princess Celestia

Celestia sat on her bed, the curtains of her four post bed drawn closed. Papers and blueprints lay strewn around her. Her form of payment for her lamp was complicated. It required precision, secrecy, and a lot of cake. She knew Discord well enough to know that something like leaving her bed unmade was not chaotic enough. She had to go big, or she could forget it.

A piece of chocolate cake was shoved into her mouth as she drew a catapult symbol on the parchment. Celestia chewed thoughtfully, until she finally added a few more things to her list of things to get from the armory. She would need to wait until Luna was busy tending to the dreams their subjects before she sneaked into armory. Risking Luna’s knowledge of her plans was unacceptable. Tomorrow, it would be a very busy day for her sister.

Luna trotted down the hallway to her room. She had just finished up breakfast, alone. Normally Celestia and her dined together, but her sister had been absent. Luna chalked it up to having some very important business to tend to.

Well, she wasn’t wrong…

The door to her bedroom swung open as she released her magic from the handle. Her room was pitch black, the curtains drawn shut to block out all light. She yawned as she made her way to her bed. It had been a very busy night and she was looking forward to some quality sleep.

Luna undressed, deep in thought, discarding her shoes, crown, and yolk on the floor. She didn’t much care to hang them at the moment and she had a lot on her mind. Another yawn escaped her as she crawled into bed. She smiled as her head hit the down-filled pillow. Sleep quickly overtook her, but right as she was about to enter the dreamworld, the smell of smoke jarred her awake. Her curtains were on fire!

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?” Luna roared in the Royal Canterlot voice. She sprang from bed and quickly doused the curtains with a spell. All that remained of her precious curtains were a few shards of singed fabric.

“Oh, whomever is responsible for this shall pay dearly,” she mumbled to herself, a flicker of something wild in her eyes. “I shall track them down after I have taken a nap. But tis too bright in here for us to sleep. I shall have to improvise.”

She walked to her closet and made her way inside. Luna had never cared much for fashion, so her huge closet was mostly bare. She closed the door behind her and made her way over to a large cushion on the floor near the back. When Celestia and her where fillies they would often have campouts in their closets. Luna could never bring herself to remove the cushion from its sacred place.

A few turns around in a circle and she laid on the cushion. A sigh escaped her as she tried to relax.

SPROING!!!

Luna was launched through the ceiling and three more floors as the giant spring under the cushion was tripped. Legend says that if you listen closely enough on calm, still mornings, Luna’s screams can still be heard to this day.

The Lunar Princess’s coat was white with dust and debris. She rose from the rubble, fire in her eyes. “CELESTIA! IT. IS. ON!” she roared.

Meanwhile…

Discord sat in the back of his store in a large red movie theater chair. He wore 3D glasses and was catching bits of popcorn in his mouth as he flicked them in the air. A live feed of what was happening to Luna was projected onto a screen in front of him. He watched as Luna was launched upwards and disappeared from view. Discord promptly spit soda through his nose as he started laughing.

“Oh Tia, that was priceless! I can’t wait to see what you have planned next,” he said to himself.

Back at the castle…

Celestia teleported out of Luna’s closet to her next location: the armory. She was wearing an all black catsuit and a pair of night vision goggles. Her mane fought to free itself from the large number of hair ties and and bobby pins that were keeping it out of her face.

“CELESTIA! IT. IS. ON!”

Celestia cursed under her breath. The armory was on the other side of the Canterlot Castle grounds. The fact that she heard Luna at this distance and through all the walls in between meant that she didn’t have much time. She quickly cast the spell Discord showed her on the room. It allowed the live feed that Discord was watching. She was currently maintaining so many spells that she had to cancel the two in Luna’s bedroom so she could cast it. Finished, she flew into the rafters and hid herself.

Back with Luna…

Thoughts raced through Luna’s head. She knew it had to be here sister’s doing, flinging her from her bedroom closet like that. Only herself and Tia had access to springs so powerful. Luna grit her teeth. She was not in the mood for games today. She needed to find her sister and end these pranks before she lost it completely.

Luna materialized in the armory in a puff of black smoke. One spectacular dive later, she was peering out from behind her favorite weapons rack. Celestia didn’t seem to be here but Luna knew better than to underestimate her sister. Luna began strapping items to her body; a rocket launcher, two katanas, a chainsaw, several grenades, knives, pepper spray, and a taser, for starters.

The rest of her weapons were on another rack across the room. Luna drew a katana in her magic before doing spectacular flips and twirls towards it. All of this was to avoid traps that Celestia may have set up. It was a good effort, but it didn’t work.

SMACK!

A giant, white hand smacked Luna out of the air and into the ground. Dazed, she quickly chopped it into tiny bits with her katana and sprinted to the weapons rack. Motion on her right caught her attention and as she looked, a steamroller driven by a cutout of Celestia barreled towards her. Luna grabbed the katana out of her magic with both hooves and sliced the steamroller right in half.

The crash shook the building, nearly knocking Celestia out of her hiding spot.

Luna’s attention left the steamroller and she dashed towards her precious weapons. She dodged some flying whip cream pies and grabbed the only item off of the rack. She slung it across her back and cast a smoke spell. The entire room was filled in a haze and Luna took the opportunity to make her escape from the building.

Celestia simply grinned, knowing exactly how predictable her little sister was.

Luna’s most secret hiding spot was so amazing and wonderful, not even Celestia knew about it. Or at least, that’s what Luna thought.

It was a spot hidden in plain sight; Donut Joe’s Donut Shop. Luna sat in a booth in the back corner wearing a trench coat to cover her weapons and dark sunglasses. She hid her mane under a brown hat and her face behind a newspaper. At a casual glance, she looked like an oddly shaped, overweight stallion who dressed like an idiot and liked to read the newspaper upside down.

Joe had personally taken her order and had tried not to laugh at the silly, clearly fake stallion voice that Luna spoke to him in. She had ordered a plate of jelly filled donuts and a coffee. Luna needed some time to strategize before she made her next move, and she figured this was the best way to do it.

Two mistakes were made at the moment the donuts and coffee arrived at the table. First, Luna did not look to see who had delivered them. If she would have, she would have seen it was Celestia herself and that her donuts were oddly shapen and had Celestia’s best troll face in frosting on them. Second, Luna immediately took a big sip of her coffee. Joe always served his coffee at a comfortable drinking temperature, so she wasn’t worried about burns. This was, however, not coffee. Her cup was filled with unprocessed rainbow.

Luna’s hat blew off of her head and smoke was forced from her ears. Her eyes welled with tears and she did the only thing she could think of to quell the burn in her mouth. Luna threw her paper aside and shoved an entire donut into her mouth. The icing cooled her burning tongue and it felt amazing. She closed her eyes and chewed, letting out a soft sigh of relief. Her mouth was so nice and cold now.

Too cold…

Her eyes shot open as her mouth became frozen shut. She lit her horn in an attempt to cast a counterspell, but it was too late. Luna’s mouth would be frozen shut for the next 24 hours and there was no way to cancel a Muzzled Muzzle spell once it was past the icing stage. Loud grunts drew other customer’s attention as Luna struggled to free herself from the spell, even though she knew it was pointless. She laid her head on the table after several minutes and saw Celestia’s frosting face staring back at her. Luna’s eyes narrowed and she sat back up. She sprung to her hooves and threw off her disguise.

“HRM! HM HRMMM GRMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!” she yelled in the Royal Canterlot voice, striking a pose and pointing her hoof in the air.

Discord, naturally being able to understand any language, heard, “TIA! I WILL GET YOUUUUUUUU!!!”

He watched as Luna burst through the front window of the donut shop and galloped off. Joe stood behind the counter, his mouth hanging open. All the ponies in the store stared at the broken window. They all collectively rose from their seats, calmly walked outside, and began screaming and running around in terror.

Discord fell out of his chair laughing and promptly wet his pants, which had just appeared on his body.

‘Thou shall pay dearly, my sister,’ Luna thought to herself as she hid in the bushes under Celestia’s balcony. She had been staking out for a few hours. During that time, she had not noticed Celestia come or go. What she had noticed, however, was that the sun was shaped like Celestia’s face and it was going West to East, rather than East to West. Luna cursed herself for not noticing this the moment her curtains were set ablaze.

Luna watched as the palace guards ran by in a panic as they mumbled about the strange sun and the absence of both princesses. A pang of pity jabbed at Luna’s heart. She shook it off. Work was to be done.

With the grace and silence only the Princess of the Night could accomplish, Luna vanished from the bush and took the form of shadow in her sister’s room. The room was empty and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. A quick magic detection spell didn’t reveal any spells to her that were in effect except for her own.

“Oh, nice try, Lulu. But my Chaos Observance Spell cannot be detected so easily,” Discord commented as he drummed his fingers together and narrowed his eyes.

Luna let out a sigh of relief and emerged from the shadows. She quickly made her way to Celestia’s bedside table. Her plan was to remove a certain private item and leave it on Celestia’s throne for her find in the morning, after all of the day court was already present, of course. Luna chuckled and blushed slightly at the scene in her head. The room would fill with laughter, and Celestia would be horrified and would have to admit that it was hers.

The side table drawer slid open and as Luna pulled the object out, said object spewed forth a sticky, green goo that covered her face and became tangled in her mane and fur. She let out a muffled scream of surprise and disgust as she wiped her eyes clean. She felt a tingle everywhere the goo touched her body and she watched in horror as her fur started to change color. Blotches of different colors appeared where the goo had been a moment before. In a matter of seconds she had been turned into a polka-dotted, blotchy, rainbow pony.

“HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM!!” Luna screamed, ripping the chainsaw from her back.

BRRNNNN! BRRRNNNNNN!

BRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Luna promptly started it and destroyed every piece of furniture in Celestia’s room.

Celestia calmly sat at dinner and dabbed her mouth with a napkin. Her guards were happy to have found her calmly reading a book in the library. They had been dealing with rumors of Nightmare Moon returning today, and were glad that their princess had dismissed such outlandish claims. The Royal Guard was always ready to defend their princess and the citizens, but they preferred to just have a normal, quiet evening.

The doors to the dining room flew open. Standing in the doorway was none other than…

Princess Clown?

A blotchy colored alicorn made her way to the table and sat down. Luna pouted as she stared at the food with longing, unable to eat it.

Celestia looked to her sister, a large smile on her face. “You look lovely tonight, my sister. I love what you’ve done with your fur.”

Luna glared at her sister for a moment and then sighed, her gaze becoming downcast. She pulled a white flag from her mane and waved it.

“A smart choice, sister,” Celestia commented. She took a sip of tea. After a few minutes of silence she said, “I apologize for this.” She moved a plate of apples aside to reveal a large, red button. Luna’s eyes widened but before she could move Celestia pressed it.

Luna was catapulted through the roof, her muffled screams echoing across all of Equestria.

Discord pulled Celestia’s lamp out from under the counter, tied a little bow and note to it, and snapped it into Celestia’s temporary room in the castle.

The note simply read, “Thank you for your purchase. We hope you shop with us again.”

Sale 3: Gilda the Griffon

Gilda the Griffon was mad. Very, very mad. Grandpa Gruff had sent her on an official mission to Canterlot to find something stupid.

Baking powder.

‘Who in the world cares about baking powder?’ Gilda cursed at her grandfather internally, but then let out a sigh as she tried to calm her temper. Grandpa Gruff was ancient and his mind was starting to go. She knew she should be more patient with him, but having to travel so far for something so silly was just ridiculous. I mean, what kind of a griffon uses baking powder?

As common as baking powder should be in the land of Equestria, Gilda couldn’t find a single store that had any in stock. “Ponies and their baking. Man, this is going to take forever. I bet every store in town is out,” she grumbled as she exited a small supply store.

Frustration mounting again, she blindly went into the store next door.

“NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GOING TO LET YOU DOWN!” rang the door chime. Gilda covered her ears and bashed in the music box that was producing the offensive music with a back paw.

“That’s going to cost you extra,” said Discord as he materialized next to Gilda.

“Yeah, well just try and make me pay for it.”

Discord’s eyebrow raised so high it flew away from his face with a gentle wiggle to keep itself airborne. “Oh, I am sure you will in good time.”

Gilda rolled her eyes. “Yeah, whatever. I’m outta here.” She turned to walk out the door when a lamp caught her eye.

“Presenting to the Royal Sisters, her Highness, Empress Giladria of Griffonstone!” announced the guard. The doors to the throne room swung open. Pony heads turned and a sudden stillness fell on the court. The griffoness walked with grace, her head held high and proud. A silver chestplate with gold inlay guarded her breast and gave way to purple silk of the finest quality. It billowed out in waves behind her and gave the illusion that she was floating. Her crown matched her armor and was topped with diamonds larger than anypony thought possible. A gentle click-clack echoed through the room as her razor sharp, silver talon coverings hit the floor.

Gilda ignored the hushed whispers as she made her way towards Celestia and Luna. The two sisters had their eyes locked on her. Gilda, on the other hoof, looked at the space between the two sisters so that she did not show favor to one over the other. From a bystander's point of view, it was intimidating. When she reached a respectable distance from the thrones, Gilda spread her wings and gave a very, very slight bow. The sisters returned the gesture, but bowed slightly lower than the griffon.

“Empress Giladria of Griffonstone, it is a privilege to finally meet you,” Celestia said warmly with a smile. Luna, however, had a frown on her face.

“Thank you, Princess. I have traveled far for an audience with the rulers of Equestria,” Gilda replied with a curt nod. “It is unfortunate that we should meet under these circumstances.”

The look on Celestia’s face matched that of her sister. “And what circumstance would that be?” Celestia had kept her voice even, but a hint of concern bled through. Ponies shifted nervously and listened intently.

Gilda let silence fill the room for several seconds. She locked eyes with Celestia. “The invasion of Equestria, of course,” she said with a hint of malevolence in her voice.

The room, nay for the Princesses, all gasped in unison. Luna stood and darkness surrounded her. “THOU DAREST TO INVADE?” she said in the Royal Canterlot voice. Her horn lit and a spear of deepest night appeared in her magic.

“Luna, sit down,” whispered Celestia sternly. Her words, as quiet as they were, echoed through the room. Luna flinched and a blush spread over her face.

“But...” she protested. When she looked at Celestia, though, she changed her mind. The spear disappeared and she slowly sat back down. Her eyes, however, never once left Gilda and if looks could kill, Gilda would have been dead on the spot.

Celestia and Gilda had not looked away from one another during the display. The moments ticked by as they sized each other up. Celestia eventually yielded and looked toward her court.

“Court is dismissed for the day. We will reconvene tomorrow at 6 am,” she commanded. Ponies looked at her with stunned expressions. Some looked angry, some were afraid, and others were smiling because they knew that their princess would never let Equestria fall.

As ponies shuffled about, Celestia turned to Luna. “Luna, please go and gather all ranking officers of the Royal and Lunar Guards that are in the castle. Have them in the ballroom in one hour. Also, please send a message to Twilight and her friends. I would like them here by nightfall. Ask them to bring their elements.”

Luna simply nodded in response, her face set in stone. Her horn lit and she was gone in a puff of black smoke. Gilda stood, taking in everything with an unconcerned look on her face. The room finally emptied, except for the guards, which Celestia dismissed. Alone at last, pony and griffon stared at each other.

They both burst out in hysterical laughter. Celestia slung herself over the arm of her throne for support. Gilda fell to the floor clutching her sides.

“That went way better than I expected,” gasped Celestia. “For a moment there I thought Luna was going to cut off your head and mount it on her wall.”

Gilda wiped tears from her eyes as she struggled to respond. “Do you have any idea how hard it was not to laugh when everypony gasped?”

“Yes! Yes I do!”

Their laughter continued for several more minutes until the pair were able to compose themselves.

“Do you really think this will work?” asked Gilda.

Celestia nodded. “Yes, I think it will. I am the prank master when it comes to my sister. Though I must say, it had never crossed my mind to pull something like this,” she said, her eyes glazing over in thought.

Gilda smiled. “I’ll admit, I am glad that you are helping me. I don’t…” she paused, frowning and trying to form the words. “I don’t really have anyone to hang with these days, so I am glad Discord sorta forced me to meet his Partner in Crime,” she said, making quotes in the air. It dawned on her that mushy-gushy words were leaving her beak. She shook her head and resumed her normal lofty attitude. “Not that I need anyone to hang out with.”

This was not lost on Celestia and she gave Gilda a smile, albeit a sad one. “I am glad we met too. Now, down to business.” Celestia made her way to Gilda and a map of Equestria appeared between them on the floor. They both took a seat in front of it and started making scribbles.

“I think the Elements of Harmony should go here,” said Celestia as she drew an X on a small island in the Siren’s Sea.

“I think that is a good location. We should send Luna and the army here.” She pointed to the Saddle Arabian desert.

Celestia chuckled. “Did you know my sister is afraid of sand?” She marked an X on the desert.

“Maybe…” Gilda grinned wickedly.

Celestia couldn’t help but snort. “So, the next step is for us to…”

“Fight,” Gilda finished for her, her feathers ruffling a little in excitement.

Discord watched as the pair left the throne room. The guards were keeping a close eye on Gilda as they escorted the mare and griffoness to the ballroom.

“It’s funny. If she really wanted to, she could really declare war on Equestria. Now THAT would be some quality chaos!” Discord laughed. He considered for a moment, stroking his face. “I wonder who would win in a real fight? Celestia, or the lost Empress of Griffonstone, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter of King Guto, Giladria? Funny how she hides her heritage.” He continued to muse while he watched the two enter the ballroom.

“... and Giladria will be commanding the Griffons. Any questions?” asked Celestia.

Luna and the ranking officers that were present in the ballroom all shook their heads. It seemed like a good plan. Celestia would stay in Canterlot to coordinate efforts to stave off Typhon’s army, which was made up of several races he fathered; Chimaera, Nemean Lion, Orthrus, Cerberus, and Sphinx. Luna was to guard Tartarus, and Gilda was to march the griffon army south to meet them. The element bearers would be in Canterlot until Typhon was located.

“I think that is the most stupid plan I have ever heard,” spat Gilda. “You want my army to sacrifice themselves for YOUR country? I don’t think so.”

“Now see here,” began Luna, but she was quickly shushed by Celestia.

Celestia’s stone cold stare froze the room and everypony held their breath. “Griffonstone will lead the attack. Your abilities in battle will undoubtedly save not only my little ponies and yourselves, but your own empire as well. Where do you think their army will go next?”

“Then we will face that challenge when, and if it comes.”

“You must listen, Giladria…”

“I am done listening! If you want our help, we will do things MY way!”

Silence returned to the room as Celestia considered her options. Everypony knew that they needed the griffons. As powerful as their princesses were, Equestria would fall against such a powerful foe unless they had help.

“No,” whispered Celestia.

“What?” spat Gidla.

“I said no.”

Gilda sized up Celestia. “Make me,” she threatened.

Luna quickly looked back and forth between the two. Her eyes burned with the fiery passion for battle.

Celestia’s face was set firm. “Very well.”

Luna snorted and Gilda grinned wickedly. “You cannot be serious, sister.”

“I am very serious. We will partake in battle in the arena the day after tomorrow. The winner will take command of the Equestrian and Griffon armies.”

“And the loser?” inquired Luna.

“Doesn’t.”

“AHHHH!” exclaimed somepony way in the back of the room.

Gilda simply nodded and turned to leave. “Until our battle, your majesty.”

“But, how could you agree to such a thing?!” yelled Twilight. Twilight and her friends had just been caught up on the details of the day. They were all in Celestia’s private chambers, gathered around the hearth. Each pony was nursing a hot beverage spiked with apple scotch.

“Just who does this Giladria think she is?” asked a very angry Rainbow Dash. “And what’s the deal with not just sending us to take care of it? All Typhon needs is a little, HIYA! WHAMM!!” Dash rocketed around the room doing karate chops, kicks, and punches to an imaginary foe.

“I was just getting to that,” replied Celestia as she stopped Dash with her magic. She placed Rainbow back on the floor. Dash downed the rest of her drink in a few gulps and waited impatiently for Celestia to continue. “As I was saying, we will do battle in two days. I have no doubt I will win, so you all have nothing to worry about.”

The group sighed in relief. “But what about just going after Typhon ourselves?” asked Pinkie Pie. “I mean, it’s not like you don’t know where he is.”

Everypony turned to look at her. Celestia felt a chill run up her spine. ‘Damn that Pinkie Sense!’ she silently cursed at herself. “Pinkie, you never cease to amaze me. Yes, I do know where he is. Gilda does not, so we are secretly taking steps to ensure his defeat.”

“But is it really a good idea to go against a new ally? Isn’t part of being friends being honest with each other?” Twilight looked distraught at the idea of betraying a friend.

“Ah agree that honesty is normally the best policy, but I think Celestia is right. We need ‘ta make sure Typhon loses, with or without the Griffons’ help. That’s got to come first,” said AJ.

“Yes, and this is why I am asking you all to go to the Siren’s Sea. There is a cluster of islands there where I believe Typhon is hiding. You must defeat him before his army reaches us.” Five ponies gave firm nods, their faces set with looks of determination. Fluttershy gave a small squeak, but slowly nodded her head. Celestia gave them a reassuring smile. “I am confident that you will deal with the threat quickly. I must ask that you leave first thing in the morning. I will deal with Giladria, so do not worry. She will not know your location or your mission, so please do not speak of it beyond this room. Now, you must rest, for you leave at sunrise.”

Everypony stood and shuffled out of the room, speaking quiet goodnights as they made their way to their private rooms. Celestia shut the door gently and turned towards her bed. She only made it one step when the door to her armoire burst open and griffon came tumbling out, tangled in clothing and gasping for breath.

“Can’t… breathe…” she gasped. “AIR!”

Celestia paled. “Oh my goodness, are you OK?” She rushed to help Gilda to her feet. “I must not have cast the spell strong enough! I am so sorry!”

“Who in their right mind keeps an enchanted closest that removes all the air?!” Gilda chastised.

The alicorn’s ears splayed back as she used her magic to remove torn clothing from Gilda. “It is meant to preserve the clothing better. Some of those garments are over 900 years old. I truly am sorry. If I let somepony hide in there again, I will make sure to just leave the door open a crack and max out the air bubble spell.”

With a huff, Gilda threw off the last shard of clothing and sauntered over to the hearth. “Well, at least they didn’t stay any longer. I stopped listening about halfway through and meditated to conserve oxygen. Did you set the next part in motion?”

“Yes, and they don’t suspect a thing.”

“Perfect.”

Luna sat in her room, a scowl on her face as she sharpened her spear. “Thy are the most beautiful weapon in all the land,” she spoke gently to her beloved lance. “Do not fear, spear! Thy blade shalt have thy favorite meal soon.”

The crowd roared as Celestia made her way into the arena. She was clad in her strongest armor, which was made of platinum and had gold inlay. It was imbued with spells that made her faster and stronger than a dragon. No creature that had stood against it in battle had left with their life. Atop her head she wore a matching helmet, her horn poking through and her hair billowing out from under it. Her hooves were shod and her boots came up to her knees, allowing for easy movement while still providing some protection.

Boos were heard as Gilda entered from the opposite side. She wore no armor, only a blood red cape that flowed gracefully away from her body and left her wings free. Her talons were left bare, which did not go unnoticed by the crowd.

“Is she serious? She is going to get slaughtered. It will be over in moments,” murmured the spectators.

The two reached the center of the arena. Silence descended as the two squared off.

“This will be a fair fight. Nopony shall interfere with the battle. The first to yield will be declared the loser. Understood?” Celestia asked, making a pointed glance to Luna, who sat at the edge of the battlefield. Gilda gave a small nod that she understood. “Very well. Let us begin!”

Celestia launched herself into the air immediately. Her horn pulsated with her golden aura for a moment before turning orange. Silver sparks erupted from the tip as her spell came to full power. A ball of purple energy formed above her and she reared her head back, touching the tip of her horn to its edge. Her eyes glowed white and she threw her head forward, the energy ball launching away from her. It soared directly towards Gilda, who still stood on the ground, unmoving and unblinking.

An explosion rocked the structure and everypony was blinded by white light. Only Celestia did not shield her eyes, never moving her gaze from where Gilda stood. The light subsided, only to be replaced with a dust cloud. Ponies in the stands coughed as it dispersed through the arena. The moments ticked by as the dust settled.

Gilda stood on a small island of earth, a crater surrounding her. Not a speck of dust dirtied her cape, not a feather was out of place, and her fur shined in the sun. She didn’t have a scratch on her. Her face was set in a frown with a look of disappointment spread across her features.

“Was that supposed to hurt me?” Gilda called. Celestia scowled and dove at her adversary without a moment’s hesitation. The legendary Solar Spear appeared in her magic. Ponies that knew of the story gasped as their folklore became fact before their eyes. Celestia let out a scream of effort, pushing as much magical force into her thrust as she aimed the spear for Gilda’s bare chest. A shockwave exploded outward from the pair as the spear made contact, knocking ponies in the stands to the floor.

Gilda blinked. Celestia bared her teeth, a low growl escaping her, her face mere inches from Gilda’s. The tip of the spear was glowing white hot as black sparks shot away from it. Blue electricity crackled along Gilda’s chest, an invisible barrier now revealed. There was only a centimeter between Gilda’s breast and the tip of the weapon.

“Are you done now, loser?”

“AHHHH!” Celestia darted around Gilda, striking at her with the spear. Sparks flew every time contact was made, but no harm came to Gilda. Celestia darted back and threw spell after spell, each one having no effect. After several minutes, Celestia ceased her assault, her head level with her withers. Sweat dripped down her coat, leaving clean, white trails as it washed away the dirt.

“Where did… you get such… magic?” she panted.

Gilda laughed. “Griffons have always held magic more powerful than ponies. We just choose to only use it in battle, rather than waste it on petty tasks like dressmaking.”

Hundreds of miles away, Rarity felt an anger she could not explain. She shivered, shrugged, and returned to trying to keep the mud off of her coat.

“Let me show you the true power of the griffons!”

Celestia tried to brace herself, but it was too late. Gilda had launched herself forward so fast, she was only a flash of red color. She slammed into Celestia, shattering her armour in a single blow to the chest. Another shock wave engulfed the crowd as Celestia rocketed backwards, her eyes glazed over before she even hit the wall. Cracks formed in the cement and the building shifted.

Celestia, Princess of the Sun, fell to the ground; unmoving, unblinking, and very, very dead.

No pony moved. No pony breathed. No pony could comprehend what had just happened.

No pony, save one.

“RRRAAAAAHHHHHH!” Luna roared. Darkness engulfed her, her teeth sharpened, and she became Nightmare Moon in an instant. The Lunar Spear appeared in her magic and she threw herself blindly at Gilda in a rage. With a swipe of the back of her talons, Gilda batted Nightmare Moon away, throwing her like a rag doll. Nightmare hit the wall above where Celestia had fallen. The impact knocked her out cold and she landed upon the broken body of her sister. She turned back into Luna, a look of shock on her unconscious face.

Gilda bent down and picked up the Lunar Spear. She placed the butt of it on the ground, pointing it skyward. Her eyes narrowed at the crowd. She turned her gaze to the Royal Guard, who all looked shaken and like they had wet themselves. None dared to approach her, or their fallen princesses.

“PONIES OF EQUESTRIA!” she boomed. “Hear me! From this day forth, the land of Equestria is under Griffon rule! All who dare to oppose me may come forth to challenge me at any time. Now…” She turned to the the closest unicorn captain. “Come clean this mess up. I won’t have my arena dirty.”

“What do you think?”

“I think that may have been a little cruel, Tia.”

“My little ponies are much more resilient than you think.”

“I shall keep that in mind,” replied Discord, his eyebrow raised as he turned his attention back to the screen, Celestia sitting by his side. “And what of Luna? Do you really think she will find this amusing?”

Celestia frowned. “Maybe not...”

Luna sad on her throne, her head bandaged and a very grumpy look on her face. She crossed her arms and gave a little huff. It was the following day and she had a splitting headache. ‘Furious’ was too light a term to describe how upset she was with not only herself for losing, but with Gilda as well. From the moment Luna had woken up in the hospital wing, Gilda had been bossing her around. Not only that, but Luna hadn’t even been allowed to see her sister’s body to say goodbye...

Gilda sat on Celestia’s throne, ponies running around as Gilda barked out orders. A unicorn stood near Gilda, his magic surging through his horn as he controlled several quills and rolls of parchment. With each order Gilda gave, the stallion furiously scrawled her wishes onto the paper and gave it to a waiting pegasus. The pegasi would take off to their predetermined destinations to deliver the notes the moment they were given one.

“Luna, you are to leave now to the Saddle Arabian desert. My intelligence shows that the enemy army is waiting there.” Gilda waited for Luna to stop picking at her hoof and respond. The alicorn nodded slightly, but remained silent. “Good, now go.” Gilda gave her a dismissive wave and went back to giving more orders.

Luna stalked off slowly, head hanging, to get the captains of the guard. A single tear went unnoticed as it hit the floor.

Twilight and the girls had been trudging through the mud and muck for what felt like forever, looking for a villain that wasn’t there. Rainbow’s wings were actually tired, Rarity had crusty mud stuck in her matted mane, Pinkie had moss growing in her fur, Fluttershy’s tail had been lodged in some brambles and had to be cut loose, and Twilight had lost several teeth in a bad fight with an angry crocodile.

Suffice it to say, their spirits were low.

“Come on Twilight! We should have found him by now!” complained Dash.

“I KNOW!” spat Twilight harshly. Dash looked hurt by the sharp tone. Twilight sighed, her face falling. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I am just so, so tired.”

“We all are, darling,” Rarity said as she slipped an arm around her friend. “Perhaps we should rest for a bit.”

“Ah think we need to get over this hill first,” Applejack chimed in. “Ain’t a whole lot of dry places here in this swamp. There should be someplace drier up on top of the hill.”

The six trudged along slowly. As they neared the top of the hill they heard a strange rhythm on the wind. Their ears all perked up and they all exchanged uncertain, questioning glances. The rhythm became louder as they crested the hill. Their jaws all dropped.

Below them was a field filled with mini Typhons. They were all playing different instruments, creating an upbeat tune that emphasized the drumbeat.

“What the hay?!” exclaimed Dash.

Every Typhon stopped their playing and looked at the ponies.

“The Empress of Griffonstone says GO HOME!” they all yelled. In a flash they all disappeared.

A few moments passed in silence. “I think we have been had,” Twilight sighed.

“AHAHAHAHA!” laughed Pinkie. “You should all see your faces! And my face!” She pulled out a mirror from her hair and looked into it. “HA! Look at my face! I look stunned!”

“I don’t think it’s that funny,” said Fluttershy quietly as she tried to hide her bald tail between her legs.

The Equestrian army had been marching for several days. Although she was not a very happy alicorn, she still had her duty to her country and her ponies. She marched with her head held high and proud in an attempt to inspire hope in her subjects. It wasn’t working.

Morale was extremely low. With the death of Celestia, ponies had a hard time getting out of bed, let alone marching to fight in a war they knew they wouldn’t live through. Their new Empress was sending them to slaughter, and they all knew it.

“Come, my ponies!” Luna shouted to everyone. “We are almost there. Just over this hill, and we should see thy enemies! Let us vanquish them! For Equestria! For my sister!”

Luna’s words had the desired effect. Ponies cheered and stomped their hooves. With renewed energy the army ran the rest of the way, cresting the sandy hill with shouts and yells of intimidation. Halfway down the other side, they all stopped in their tracks.

“Nay, what is this?!” gasped Luna.

One hundred yards away from the bottom of the hill was a small figure. Luna signaled her generals to remain in position. She approached the figure cautiously. It was an armoured griffon toy holding a white flag. She picked it up in her magic and examined it. Pinned to its breast was a note. She unfolded it and read to herself.

Dear Princess Luna,

We surrender.

Sincerely,

Giladria

P.S. Celestia’s fine, she says to hurry up and get home.

“Princess Luna, is everything OK?” a general called to her.

Luna quickly dried the tears from her eyes. She cleared her throat to loosen the snotty buildup before speaking. “Yes, everything is fine.” She turned to face her comrades. “We have been tricked. We march home, for my sister waits for us!”

Confused looks were exchanged. One pony started laughing. Then another. Soon, the laughter infection had spread and they were all giggling, cheering, and smiling. Luna spread her wings and led the army home, a sad smile on her face that was hidden from them as she soared above them.

“You did well. You upset the entire balance of the kingdom. I would say that is payment enough.”

“Whatever. Just give me my lamp so I can get out of this awful place.” Gilda snatched her bag from Discord and walked out the door.

“But did you go too far, I wonder?” pondered Discord. “Perhaps the seeds have already been sown...”

“What do you mean you didn’t get any baking powder?” Grandpa Gruff snarled. “I can’t teach you my recipe without it!”

“Put a lid on it, Grandpa. I got better things to do than listen to you whine about stupid powder!” Gilda slammed the door to her upstairs loft. She laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Messing around with Celestia had been kind of fun. Almost as fun as racing and pulling pranks with…

She shook her head and sat up. The bag from the Repository sat at her feet and she picked it up. She stared at it for a few moments before sighing and taking out her lamp. The lamp had Discord immortalized in a high five with the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. The lamp was designed in a way so that when you moved the figure’s arms to complete the high-five, it switched the lamp on and off.

Gilda picked up her old bedside lamp and chucked it out the window. A thwack and a few choice words from Grandpa Gruff drifted into her room. She placed her new lamp on the nightstand, giving it a small, depressed smile. “I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Sale 2: Lyra Heartstrings

Lyra Heartstrings trotted down Hoof Street, humming a merry tune and not really paying attention to where she was going. She was in a great mood and didn’t have a care in the world today. Her stomach rumbled. She abruptly stopped moving and clutched her aching belly.

“Oh, I really should get something to eat,” she said to her stomach. “Don’t worry belly, I’ll feed you!” she said with a gentle rub. Lyra looked around for a restaurant and caught sight of a strange building down the road. “A new restaurant must have opened!” she squealed and galloped towards it. The first thing she noticed was the words on the windows. Her eyes darted around and finally settled on, “They taste great! Like a chocolate milk of glass!”

Another rumble from her stomach sealed the deal and she walked into the… restaurant… without hesitation or a second thought.

BOOM!

Lyra jumped, startled, as the sound of cannonfire filled her ears. Discord went whizzing by her wearing a jumpsuit and helmet. A confetti trail followed behind him and covered Lyra from snout to tail. “Welcome to Discord’s Lamp Repository!” Discord shouted as he landed on a pile of pots and pans on the other side of the room. “We’ve got what you need, even if you don’t know you need it yet!”

Lyra used her magic to free herself from the confetti. “Lamps? I thought this was a restaurant,” she stated glumly as her stomach rumbled again. Her ears splayed back and she winced at the discomfort.

“Well, we aren’t a restaurant, but you’re in luck!” He pointed to a popcorn machine in the corner. “Feel free to help yourself as you take a look around,” he said as he motioned around the room and shoved an ice cream bucket in her hooves.

A little drool escaped from Lyra’s mouth at the idea of popcorn. “I suppose I can take a look around if it means free popcorn,” she said with a smile as she dashed to the popcorn machine. Her face fell as she looked inside. The machine held not popcorn, but an assortment of bright fluff balls that were rolling around the bottom. “What… What are these?” she asked, her voice dripping with disgust.

“Oh don’t worry about what they are, just eat one. They are delicious!” Discord said as he appeared next to Lyra. Before she could react, he had taken a bright blue fuzz ball and shoved it in her mouth. “Eat up!” he said as he moved her jaw up and down.

Lyra quickly brushed him off, ready to berate him, but paused and chewed thoughtfully. Whatever these things were, they were amazing! They tasted like cotton candy one second and chocolate the next. “Wow, what are these things?”

“They’re called Tribbles. I dipped them in food coloring to give them a little more chaotic appearance. Their flavoring is natural, though.” A very, very mischievous grin appeared on Discord’s face.

Ice cream bucket in hoof, Lyra filled her bucket with Tribbles and started to meander around the store, eating thoughtfully. If she ate enough of these things, she may not have to buy lunch! Discord was now situated behind the counter playing Pong by himself on a little screen under the countertop.

An oddly-shaped lamp caught Lyra’s attention. She turned her gaze to it and gasped. Tribbles fell to the floor and rolled under tables. Lyra’s eyes almost popped out of her head.

She. Had. To. Have. That. Lamp. At. Any. Cost.

PERIOD!

Everypony has a secret. While Bon Bon was scared to death of spiders, Celestia, a closet Daring Doo enthusiast, and Pinkie Pie had some multiple personality issues, Lyra’s secret was way more embarrassing.

She was obsessed with the mythical creatures, humans.

Everything about them fascinated her; their shape, their lack of fur, walking on two legs…

Their hands… Oh, cheese logs, their hands! *ahem*

Lyra had a hand problem.

Discord watched Lyra stare open-mouthed at the lamp in front of her. She hadn’t moved for over ten minutes, and although Discord knew she would like that particular lamp, he had thought she would have said something by now.

“You know,” he said offhoofidly, “there is a rather interesting book in the Canterlot Archives about humans.” This gave him the reaction he was looking for. Lyra grabbed the lamp in front of her, bolted to the counter, and gave him her full attention.

“Really?” she squeaked.

“Yup. If I remember correctly, there was a certain spell you may be interested in, especially since the payment for that lamp will not be cheap...”

Dirt flew everywhere as Lyra dug a tunnel under the castle grounds and past security. A pendant hung from a necklace around her neck and kept getting in the way as she dug. She hated wearing girly things, especially jewelry, but Discord had insisted that it was necessary for payment.

THUNK!

Lyra sighed in relief as she hit stone. Hours of digging were taking a toll on her magic, and she needed to keep some of it if she was going to get this book. Her golden aura gathered at the tip of her horn and she cast her spell. Loud rumbling and cracking noises filled the tunnel as the stone gave way to reveal the the Canterlot Archives above her.

Lyra’s magic dissipated and she waited a few moments, listening for any movement above. Silence was all that greeted her, so she quickly jumped up through the hole and behind the nearest bookcase. She moved with grace along the rows until she found the shelf Discord had mentioned.

Discord watched as Lyra darted about. The pendant he had given her give him a constant video feed to his screen. He had the idea after Celestia had to put forth so much effort to cast her spells. If the ruler of Equestria had to work at it, then your average unicorn would never be able to do it. Plus, he had his earth and pegasus customers to think of.

“I see Bon Bon has taught you some tricks,” he mumbled to himself as he popped a Tribble in his mouth.

Blood red and about 500 pages long, the book sat on the top shelf. It was partially hidden by its neighbor, almost as if someone had hoped no one would notice it.

“There you are,” Lyra whispered. Her tongue poked out of the side of her mouth as she scaled the bookcase, much like a spider would. She took a seat on top and pulled the book to herself with her magic. She opened it and began reading. The book went into great detail about humans and suggested that they had visited Equestria in the past. Lyra was so enthralled by what she was reading that she did not notice that a certain somepony was watching her.

“Hello, Lyra,” a gentle and motherly voice greeted her. Lyra just about fell off of her perch in surprise, but a golden aura that was not her own caught her before she completely toppled over. “Sorry, my little pony. I did not mean to startle you so,” said Princess Celestia.

Lyra swallowed hard, knowing she was in deep manure. “It’s OK, your majesty,” she said with a shaky voice. “What brings you here?” Lyra mentally face-hoofed herself. ‘What a stupid question,’ she thought.

Surprisingly to Lyra, Celestia simply smiled. “I had some extra time today and thought I would do some light reading. I happened across a hole in the floor. Lyra, did you dig your way into the archives?”

“Umm… well… yes?” Lyra cringed and waited for the worst.

Celestia laughed. “The archives are open to anypony. Why did you feel you needed to sneak in?”

Lyra’s mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to make the words to explain herself move from her brain to her mouth. “Well, Discord said that there was this secret book, and I just assumed that it was restricted…”

Celestia cut her off mid-sentence. “Discord sent you here?” she said with a slight glint of mischief in her eyes. Lyra nodded. “Oh, well then that makes more sense. I take it you are looking to purchase a lamp from him?” Lyra nodded again with a confused look on her face. “Does your payment have something to do with that book you are clutching to your chest?”

Lyra nodded for a third time. “There is a spell in here that I wanted to try. I was just thinking about what it would be like to use it on myself. But,” she looked away and frowned, “I don’t have enough magic to pull it off.” She hugged the book closer, tears coming to her eyes.

Celestia considered for a moment as Lyra avoided her gaze. “You want to be human for a few hours, don’t you?”

Lyra locked eyes with Celestia and they stared at each other for several seconds. “More than anything,” Lyra whispered.

Celestia’s horn lit and she brought Lyra to the floor in front of her. “Use your time wisely,” she said with a gentle smile. “You only have six hours.”

Lyra’s eyes widened as magic surged from Celestia. She shielded her eyes, dropping the book to the floor.

Celestia sat at a table, the book Lyra had been holding in front of her. “This will be fun,” she said to herself with a grin.

Fancy Pants and Fleur De Lis walked calmly through the park, admiring the flowers and enjoying the wonderful weather. A scream made them pause and turn. Both ponies gasped as an ape-like creature with white and mint green hair and a lyre on its hips went running by on its two hind legs. It was about the same height as Princess Celestia and had a giant smile on its face. It had no fur and seemed dreadfully plain, almost as if it should be wearing clothes of some kind.

It disappeared from view a moment later. Fancy Pants and Fleur looked at each other.

“I say, what in Luna’s name was that?” Fancy Pants asked.

Fleur shrugged. “Standard procedure, I would assume?”

Fancy nodded. “Quite.”

Both ponies bolted in opposite directions, screaming.

A gentle knock on the door echoed through her house. Annoyance at the interruption in the form of a sigh escaped the homeowner. Getting up from her book, she huffed on her way to tell off the pony that dared interrupt her study. She reached the door and opened it.

“Moon Dancer! It’s me, Lyra!” said the human. Lyra hopped around in excitement.

Moon Dancer blinked. “Humans, a Reference Guide. Yeah, I’ve read that book.”

She then promptly slammed the door and went back to her studies.

Lyra was having a blast! She had just arrived at the lake in the park outside the castle. Eager to try out these new arms and legs, she dove right in. The pony paddle kept her afloat, but she soon discovered that she could get a lot more speed if she used her arms and hands to pull herself along.

“Remove yourself from the lake and put your… um… hooves in the air!” yelled a guard pony from shore.

Lyra didn’t really want to comply, she had so much to do and so little time! But, she didn’t want the Royal Guard hounding her and spoiling her fun, so she made her way to the shore to explain herself. As she stood to her full height in the shallows, however, the guard pony panicked and shot a stun spell at her.

Lyra felt a tingle over her body that dissipated after a few moments. The unicorn gasped and backed away quickly. Aparently magic did not work on this strange creature. Lyra laughed and ran off, not wanting to waste a second more. “WOOOOOOO!!” she yelled as she ran. The guard, not wanting to be scolded by his superior, gave chase. Spells flew in all directions, each one missing their target. Luna happened to be walking down a side street when a spell hit her square in the chest. She toppled over, completely immobilized. Her guards sprang into action and gave chase to Lyra, leaving Luna in a puddle of mud. Luna felt a sense of deja vu and wondered if her sister was near.

The feeling of running on two legs was amazing. She pumped her arms and found that she could gallop faster as a human than she could as a pony. A crowd blocked her path up ahead. As she neared, the ponies saw her and started moving out of her way. She headed to the opening they had created for her, but a foal, too young to know any better, broke free of his mother and darted in front of her. Before Lyra knew what she was doing, she had leapt in the air and jumped over the foal. Her feet slapped against the ground as the foal’s mother grabbed him in a panic.

“Sorry!” she called behind her. She chanced a glance over her shoulder and saw the guards had given up in their pursuit. Stunned bystanders had fallen over into potted plants and one guard was busy reversing the stun spells. Another guard was stuck in a wicker chair, his legs poking out in odd directions. Lyra couldn’t help but laugh. She felt a little bad for the guard ponies, but she knew they would be OK.

“What did you say these were called again?” Celestia asked.

“Tribbles,” replied Discord.

“They would be great with some cheese dipping sauce,” Celestia suggested as she lounged in her chair.

The pair was sitting behind the counter of the store watching the chaos unfold. A sign on the front door read, “CLOSED - Quality chaos in progress.”

Discord snapped up some nacho cheese and some salsa. He offered it to Celestia, who happily dipped a Tribble and popped it in her mouth. “Yes, much better,” she said with a grin as they turned their attention back to the screen.

Lyra was hungry again. All the running had taken a toll on her. She hadn’t really been paying attention to where she was running and found herself in the griffon district. There was a food cart on the side of the road and she made her way over to it. The smell of cooking meat met her nose and her mouth began to water, much to her surprise. She remembered that humans were said to be meat eaters. Being a pony, she had never had meat. Pony teeth were not meant to chew such tough food, not to mention that they couldn’t digest it.

The griffon regarded her with a weary eye, but didn’t comment on her appearance. Griffons were less panicky than ponies. Unless Lyra became aggressive, the griffons didn’t care what kind of creature she was.

Lyra pulled a few bits out of her hair. “I’ll have one um…” she hesitated, not knowing what anything was.

The griffon just rolled his eyes. “Steak. These are called steaks. Five bits, lady.” He held out a claw.

Lyra counted out the bits and he handed her the steak in a paper boat. She eyed it wearily. It smelled great, but she wasn’t sure if she should really go through with it. A cautious lick later, and soon she had consumed the whole steak. Lyra licked the juices from the boat. The griffon raised an eyebrow but said nothing at the display.

Lyra was still hungry. “Meat… more meat, please. One of everything!” she shouted as she pulled a giant bag of bits from her hair. She eyed a piece off to the side that was covered in mushrooms. “I want that one for sure!” she said, pointing.

“You sure ‘bout that? Those are special mushrooms from Griffonstone. They may not mix well with your system.”

“Shut up and take my bits!” Lyra practically shouted as she shoved the bits at him.

Ponies ran in horror as the human limped down the street. Smeared blood covered her body. Lyra was high on meat! Bacon, steak, chicken! She wore sausage links as a sash, had a skirt made out of raw steak, and was gorging herself on BBQ chicken wings.

“Meat… meat… MEAT!!”

Lyra woke up about an hour later in the bushes outside Joe’s Donut Shop. Sirens and screams in the distance assaulted her and made her already pounding headache feel like a jackhammer boring into her skull.

“Jeez, he wasn’t kidding. I guess humans can’t have those types of mushrooms.” She got up and examined what was left of her steak skirt. “I better get cleaned up…”

Lyra made her way to a nearby water fountain and started washing herself. A park was not very far off and she caught sight of some foals playing hide and seek. An idea occurred to her. She finished washing and jumped into a bush. Lifting the bush from the ground proved to be quite easy. As the foal that was seeking turned away, she moved closer to the park. After about five minutes she was in range. She let out a soft cough as the foal went by, looking for his friends.

“Ah-ha! I got you!” he yelled.

Lyra jumped out of her bush, arms raised in the air and screamed. The earth pony foal screamed back and bucked her right in the stomach out of fear and took off. Lyra doubled over in pain and tried not to lose her lunch.

“That… that was a bad idea,” she grunted. “Maybe that is enough chaos…”

Discord watched as general chaos and panic consumed Canterlot. Nopony seemed to know what to do with the human, magic didn’t affect her, and she wouldn’t sit still long enough for anypony to talk to her. Celestia eventually made an appearance to tell everypony to calm down and not pay the creature any mind, that it was not cause for alarm, and to just settle down. The ponies did just that and it was business as usual within a few minutes.

“These ponies are so jumpy, yet able to cope easily once their ruler reassures them,” Discord said as he stroked his goatee. “I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

The door to his shop burst open and Lyra the human came walking in. She was covered in dirt and her hair had sticks in it. A huge grin was plastered on her face. “Did you see me?” she said as she jumped and hopped across the room.

“Yes, I saw it all. You did well and I accept your payment,” Discord said with a bow.

Lyra cheered. “Yay! And I still have over an hour left! Say Discord, do you think you could teleport me home? I would really like to surprise Bonny,” she said with a sly grin. “I have one or two more things I want to do, but I really need to be home.” Her fingers wiggled by her sides.

Discord blushed a little and coughed. “Uh, sure. But give me back that pendant. I don’t think I need to be a part of… whatever it is you are planning.”

Lyra eagerly pulled of the necklace and placed it on the counter. She grabbed her lamp and Discord snapped his fingers. She was gone in a flash.

“Bon Bon, I’m home!” Lyra called from the living room.

“I’m in the tub!” Bon Bon yelled back. “Could you come brush my mane for me? Your magic would really make this go faster.”

Lyra grinned. “Sure, be right there!”

She set her new lamp down on the table and made her way to the bathroom. A passing pegasus moved a cloud outside and sunlight shone down on the lamp. It was a human hand with Discord tattooed on the back of it. The fingers pointed up and held a single light bulb. Lyra paused in the doorway and glanced back at it for a moment.

“Totally worth it.”