(W)Hole

by Aiyonbeam

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Sad, Romance
Length: 3078

Sunset Shimmer has a very strange dream.

It's been there for as long as I can remember. Staring me in the face, a part of everything I was, everything I am. Only recently have I begun staring back at it, trying to find out what it truly is.
But it's true what they say; when you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss stares into you.

Published 2015-08-04 19:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-04 19:30:02 UTC

(Fri)Ends

Other people talk about dreams; ethereal, strange places they go when they sleep, adventures they have. Moving by wishing, they travel on gilded wings through the weird and wonderful, exploring the unexplored parts of their psyches.
They talk about nightmares. Dark, twisted corners of their minds, unexplored and terrible in their majesty, sometimes breaking into the glow of the normal, tainting it, turning the saccharine into the sinister, the friendly into the frightening,
I'm not sure if where I am counts as either.

I stand on a white surface, as I always do. The area around me is awash with grey; sometimes shapes, buildings or people or I-don't-know-what, flicker in and out through the monochrome.
But The Hole is there.
It always is.

It floats a foot or so from the white, making no noise, needing to make none. Spherical in shape - I've walked its perimeter more times than I can count - it doesn't do anything. It simply is.
And it is hungry.

Even now, the white seems to bend, forcing itself away from everything else. The Hole expands ever so slightly, and the white retracts more, furthering the cycle. Inch by inch, The Hole continues, until it's about the size of my head, then more.
It stops, then.

And, like it has done only twice before, it speaks.

Hello, Sunset Shimmer.

The Hole's voice does not sound like a voice. It sounds like thoughts; it speaks in the voice I think in, that unknown tone that everyone thinks in, unique to them. It's insistent, yet gentle, like the urging of a lover, or the imploring of a concerned parent.

Have you come for me, Sunset? This time, will I have you?

I do my best to shake my head 'no'. I have not come for The Hole, but because of it.
It calls me here.

You have come for me, Sunset. I will have you this time.

I shake my head 'no' again. I have not.

From where you stand, you tell a different story.

I look down, and the white is unchanged. Simple, unending, unbroken.
And yet...

There is something about the white in front of me. Something... Unknown.
I will not step forward. This would...
I don't know what it would do, but I know The Hole wants me to step forward, so I won't.

You cannot escape me. You know this.

At last, grudging every movement, I nod.
The Hole's been with me all my life.

The white shifts, the grey changes, and I stand, snow falling around me, in front of an alleyway. The night is dark, and the only light is a small, weakly flickering fire just in front of me.

Home.

This is, indeed, where I spent much of my early life. I was alone.

Alone. Alone in a world full of ponies, not one of them bothering to look down at the starving filly at their hooves.
Alone is an interesting word. Take but the beginning letter from it, and it means the exact same thing.
Lone. Lone of all of Canterlot's orphans and foundlings, the lone one who could use magic, who could use it well, who could make the blessed fire that kept the cold and the fear at bay.
Take away the next, and the meaning still does not change.
One. One among many. In a leage of my own.

Alone.

And that is where I came to be.

Another nod, this one less grudging. The Hole did come into existence somewhere during that time. Hungry for I know not what, it drove me. Made me strong. I needed to survive, because I had a Hole in me, one that I needed to fill.
How could I give up when I was so incomplete?

The scene shifts again, and I stand in a small, cozy room. A fire blazes merrily in a hearth, and a bookshelf, stacked to the limit with volumes thick and thin, stands watchful guardian over a small, four-poster bed, orange sheets denoting it as mine.

Home.

Another nod.

The entrance exam was an easy thing. The dragon egg had been swiftly hatched, the instructors wowed, and, for a shining, single moment, The Hole had...
...It had shrunk.

Then Princess Celestia had appeared, a flash of light heralding her arrival, and opened up a new door for me.
...And The Hole grew.

As the years flew by on wings of knowledge, I tried to fill it. I filled it with curiosity, sacrificing my love of learning to the thing like some sort of twisted tithe. Reading became a chore, studying draining.
It wasn't enough.
My friends were the next thing to fall in, contact slowly dying off as I sacrificed my connections to them.
It wasn't enough.
My personal happiness came third in line. Life became dull, grey; a wretched thing. As it fell away into The Hole, I entertained the thought that maybe, this time, it was enough, that once I had given my joy over to it, it would be sated.
It wasn't enough.

My life became singular, a point of light focused on one thing:
Filling The Hole.
I studied, despite the arduity of the task, and devoted myself wholly to the gaining of the one thing I knew, beyond all doubt, would fill The Hole.
Power.
I needed power. Once attained, I would sacrifice it, and the loss of such a grand goal, the cutting off of this vital, essential part of me would fill The Hole, shut it out, make the pulling stop.

In the pursuit of this power, I sacrificed one last thing to The Hole.

Love.

To date, I still don't know quite what changed. But something had undeniably shifted.

In it went, and, to my surprise, The Hole shrunk. It was a near pinprick; still there, yet so tiny.

But as it shrunk, so my problem grew.

I would celebrate, my soul exuding satisfaction like radiance.
But I gave The Hole my happiness.
I would tell my friends, let them jubilate for me; happiness by proxy.
But I gave The Hole my friends.
I would ask myself why it had shrunk, build upon the discovery; perhaps I would have found a way to close it forever.
But I gave The Hole my curiosity.

In the wake of this, despair, ever my companion since the first sacrifice, rushed in, tearing at something.
The Hole grew again.

Then, anger. Shouting. The Guards escorting me through the castle, towards the gates.
A hoof to the face of one, a quick sleeping spell on another, telekinetically lifting the third and shoving him away.
Running, hooves pounding on the stone as I rushed to the mirror.
And through it.

The next three years were a blur. The Hole steadily shrunk as I grew in power, attaining more and more control. The Hole seemed to be satisfied with the sacrifices I was giving to it in pursuit of power.
Compassion.
Pity.
Mercy.
In they went, and the more power I had, the smaller The Hole grew.

Until the Fall Formal. I had power in my hands; the crown sat upon my head, and, as I made the sacrifice...
I made a mistake.

I took my power, and my pride, and my hatred, and I tried to give them to The Hole.
But it took everything else.

And then, Twilight.
And Pinkie.
And Rainbow and Rarity and Applejack and Fluttershy, and the power, the indescribable fury of Harmony itself, limming them in radiant fire, holy might the likes of which I've never seen before, nor will ever see again.

And suddenly, I was back.
All of me.
My curiosity. My happiness. My friendships. My love. Compassion, Pity, Mercy; everything was back.
I was whole.

And The Hole was huge.

Immediately, I sacrificed my joy, and it shrunk, but not enough. It threatened to consume me.
So, as the days went by, I sacrificed more.
But I would not, could not, repeat my mistakes. I needed to sacrifice different things.
My voice.
I became silent, talking only when needed, and even then in a flat, lifeless monotone.
My hatred.
The Hole shrunk greatly, and it seemed angry. The world seemed brighter after that, and the curiosity in me, ill-used, flared. More.
My anger.
The Hole was small, but it did not seem angry any more. More!
My drive.
At this, The Hole, though smaller than it had ever been before, seemed... Happy.

And then, one day, as I was walking through the grass, my condo mere blocks away, I saw it.
The Hole.
Out here.
In the world.

And it was bigger than I'd ever seen it.

I don't remember much of what happened after it pulled me in. I remember water.
And pain, sudden, sharp pain, in my side.

And then the hospital, the others gathered around me.
And I reveled in it.
I had friends.
And I could be happy.

For a long while, The Hole was all but gone. For a second, for a day, for a week, I thought my task done. My friends had done it. We had filled The Hole with each other.

And then, today, walking into the hospital for my weekly checkup after the injury, it was there.
I'd tried my best to ignore it.
I'd continued on with the visit. My side was healing quickly, almost unusually quickly, and I was expected to be good as new in mere days.

And then my friends had come in.
I can't remember who it was that said it. It might've been Rainbow.

But The Hole had reacted to something they'd said, and it had grown.
The topic had shifted, then, to that thing, and The Hole kept growing, and growing, bigger and bigger and bigger until I wanted to scream at them, shut up, can't you see it? Can't you see you're making it worse? Can't you see that I don't want to tell you why!?

I'd taken off running, and The Hole had followed, laughing and growing, ever growing-

And then it'd taken me here.

And so you have come. For me.

Sunset? What's going on? Is everything all right up there?

Pink warmth begins to fill the air, a cozy, smooth calm that envelops everything.

A nod. I had come for it.

To give yourself to me, at long last.

Oh, heavens! What's she doing!?

The sky gleams, gems set into the grey like stars, shimmering and twinkling.

Another nod. I can't remember when they started, but the tears have left streaks down my face. My sleeves are stained from wiping my eyes. My knees are bloody and battered; maybe I stumbled.

Sunset, please. Nobody's gotta do anythin' rash, okay?

The grey itself shifts, becoming soft, brown, comforting.

It has been a long, hard fight, Sunset. But in the end, I've won. I always win.

Sunset Shimmer, please. We can talk about this. Please!

Trees appear around me, swaying gently in a nonexistent breeze.

Can you see it?

And there it is.
A small, tight ball.
Black, pulsing with repressed emotion.
My sacrifices.

I never took them. I kept them nice and safe, right inside you. Your hatred. Your anger. Your voice. You certainly used them today.

The white shimmers, and disappears in front of me.
I'm standing on a ledge.

The Hole hovers in front of me, and, for the first time, I see its face.

The Hole is a mirror.
The face is mine.

"I took your love, though." the face says. "And you're not getting it back. Not ever. It's mine. Just like you are. Just like I am you, you are me. And you are mine."

Another nod.

Sunset? Sunset, can you hear me? Sunset, it's me. It's Twilight. Please! Listen to me! Listen to us!

Something happens, then. Whether it's because it's Her voice or it's because of something else, I take a look around.

I am standing in a forest clearing on a clear night. The earth is soft, grass smooth under my feet. The stars twinkle brightly, merrily screaming out to the world that they are alive.

No!

The scene is missing something, though, and, just like that, The Hole is there, fury and power. How could I match it?

Sunset... Sunset, I'm sorry.

There's a hand on my shoulder, pulling me gently away from The Hole.

I was being dumb, and I wasn't listening, and I didn't think about what you were feeling and I'm sorry! I didn't know! I don't- It was a horrible joke and I shouldn't have made it and I shouldn't have gotten mad at you when you started walking away and-and

The wind appears, swaying the trees, bending the grass, caressing my face.

NO! GIVE YOURSELF TO ME! YOU WERE SO CLOSE!

I don't want you to die, Sunset. I don't want you gone. I... I love you. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I love the way your dumb red hair looks like fire in the light! I love your dumb smile and I love how rewarding it is to make you smile! I love your stupid face and your crappy clothes and your freakish taste in music and your snarky side! I love you and you're my friend and I want us to maybe someday be more than that, and I was wrong and I'm sorry please! Please, Sunset! Stop! Please, listen!

And then the water appears.
A pool, a liquid screen of calm, serene water completes the scene.
Makes it whole.

My favorite place in both worlds; a small lake just outside of Canterlot. The feeling of floating, weightless, in the water, letting all my cares, all my fears, drift away...

The Hole, in the face of this, has no choice, no other option but to shrink.

And as it does, I see the ball. It unravels, thousands of tiny little things, things I'd sacrificed without even knowing I had given up.
Kindness.
Laughter.
Honesty.
Loyalty.
Generosity.

...Love.

They coalesce, the good with the bad, and slowly drift towards me. They flow into me, and I accept them. They're part of me. All of them. My anger. My hatred. My joy. My love.

"No." the child says, glaring up at me with tearful eyes. "It's not fair! It's not!"

I look down at the thing, a dark, shadowy form, taking the shape of a little girl, thin and abandoned.

"They hurt us." the girl cries, sobbing into her hands. "They always have, and they always will. It'll all go away. Just like your parents. Just like our parents. And when it does, you'll see I'm right! You'll be left alone, like you always are! And I'll come back, and you'll- you'll give yourself to me, and then you'll die! And it'll be a good thing! Because then you'll stop! You won't have to be alone! You'll be okay! Why can't you just give up!?"

'Oh, you poor child.' I whisper. Wisdom. Long-gone, now returned. 'Come here.'

Kneeling, I open my arms, and slowly, tentatively, the girl steps into them. I embrace her, comforting me, assuring myself, for the final time...
...That I am not alone.
I never will be.
Never again.

Together, hand in hand, we stand, and, with a nod from the girl, we fall backwards into the cool, clean water...

...And into Rainbow Dash's arms.

The roof of the condo is cold under my feet. The stars twinkle in the sky, and the concrete below glitters with freshly-fallen rain; the storm from earlier today has cleared up.

"Sunset Shimmer," Rainbow Dash sobs, burying her face in my shoulder. "I swear, if you ever do something like this again I'll kill you."

I take in a deep breath, the refreshing scent of rain flooding me, filling me with new life.
Rainbow Dash just told me she loved me.
I nearly killed myself.

To be honest, I'm not sure which of these is more shocking.

Looking at her, the way her hair seems to glow softly in the moonlight, the sound of her shaky breaths as she cries, her magenta eyes sparkling with tears...
...She looks beautiful.

"I..." I say, voice raspy from disuse. "I'm okay. It's all gonna be okay now."

Slowly, we walk down from the roof and into the circle of our shocked friends, all crying. Pinkie, then Twilight, then Fluttershy and Rarity and Applejack; they all hug me tight, reassuring me that it's all going to be okay, they'll help me get through this, they're here for me.

Rainbow still hasn't said anything.

"Sunset." Twilight says. "I-"

"Don't." I interrupt, giving her a smile. "I... It's complicated. But that was the last time. I promise."

Looking at Rainbow Dash, I give her a wider smile.

"I'm not alone." I say, more to her than to anyone else. "I have my friends."

Quietly, I whisper something to Rainbow, and her jaw drops, fresh tears sparkling in her eyes.

"And maybe more than friends."

Together, we all walk down the road to Fluttershy's condo, on our way to a night of relief and happy tears and re-tellings and consolations.

All eight of us.
Pinkie Pie, suggesting we throw a 'Sunset's Alive!' party.
Applejack, telling Pinkie that no, we shouldn't, but some cider is definitely in order.
Rarity, telling me how shocked she was to see me up on that ledge.
Fluttershy, telling me how she wanted to rush up there and pull me down but Rainbow stopped her and ran up there herself.
Twilight, telling about her rushed journey through the portal the second she'd found the enchanted notebook linked to the one I'd written my suicide note in just a few weeks ago, thinking the worst even though she was days and days late.
Rainbow Dash, still clinging tightly to me, still afraid to let go, as if I'll disappear, or take back what I said.
And me, in the middle of it all, drinking it in, enjoying the taste, the experience of being with people.
And the other me, the small child, still scared, but willing to try.
Willing to grow without taking. Willing to shrink without giving up anything.
Willing to love. Or, at least, to try to love.

...And Rainbow Dash is, quite honestly, the one she's - the one we're both willing to try with.

Author's Note

Yet another idea I had at like 4 AM. I'm beginning to sense a pattern here. Enjoy!