The Labourous Love of a Laughably Lacking Lover

by The Weakest Link

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Random
Length: 2128

Fliessnert returns to Equestria as a suitor for Princess Twilight to consider accepting as her husband.

Princess Luna, without the permission of her sister, has invited all potential suitors from around the world to approach Princess Twilight and ask for her hoof in marriage. It just so happens that she didn't bother to consult the list of suitors to be presented, and didn't notice that a certain Breezie had accepted her invitation.

Written for Rage Review's fifth (well, fourth, really) F*** THIS PROMPT Contest.

Debatable romance tag is debatable.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-07 02:20:02 UTC

Too Lazy to Alliterate Again

“Sister!”

Luna’s ears popped up at the sound of her sister calling her. She raised an eyebrow at her angry tone, but didn’t think much of it. Unless she just noticed that Luna had eaten the Quintuple Chocolate Cake Celestia had left in the icebox for a rainy day, because then she would be dead as a doornail.

With that in mind, Luna actually became quite worried, but decided to act as innocent as possible. She sat straight on her throne, chin lifted, and eyes as impassive as she could will them to be with the thought of her sister slaughtering her over a cake floating around the forefront of her mind.

“Yes, Celestia?” Luna asked calmly as Celestia entered the throne room and began the long walk to Luna.

“Luna, what is this?” Celestia teleported a small scroll that she was levitating from herself and to Luna. The princess of the night was once again a bit dubious as to what this could be about, but simply shrugged and used her magic to open the scroll, letting it float in front of her.

“A Royal Degree from her majesty Princess Luna,” Luna read out loud. “Royal Ambassadors are to travel far and wide to nations allied to Equestria to seek a Royal suitor to be appointed and wed to Princess Twilight Sparkle. Attached is a message to present to the potential fiancés, as well as…”

Luna looked up from the scroll and furrowed her brow at her sister, who now stood in front of Luna, practically snarling at her.

Well, at least this wasn’t a cake related issue. Then it’d be serious.

“Sister, we don’t understand what you’re angry about,” Luna said. “We just-“

“You don’t understand,”Celestia interrupted, “why I would be even slightly put out by you sending out an open invitation to all potential suitors to marry my former apprentice without even bothering to consult me?”

Luna blinked.

“…Well now we do, what with you standing before us with that expression. And tone.”

Celestia groaned and put her hoof to her forehead in exasperation. She closed her eyes and rubbed at her temples, trying to remain calm.

“Why would you do this?” Celestia asked wearily, taking her hoof away from her face and pointing it at her underwhelmed sister.

“It is the way of things,” Luna said blankly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Cadence was quite ‘on the ball’ about this sort of thing. We didn’t even need to find her a suitor. We’ve both been married countless times. We do not see how this is problematic for anypony.”

“What about for Twilight?” Celestia demanded, anger leaking into her voice. “The poor girl’s never even been in love, has never even had a special somepony!”

“And what does marriage have to do with love?” Luna argued casually. “This is a diplomatic issue. As a plus, we’re sure Princess Twilight would appreciate the tax benefits.”

“Twilight doesn’t even have to pay…” Celestia began before catching herself and shaking her head.”…sister, I am not even mentally prepared to have that argument with you. Did you at least inform Twilight about this?”

“Inform her of what?”

Celestia grinded her teeth, and shut her eyes tightly, doing her best to keep her cool. A sun goddess trying to keep her cool. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

“That men would be lining up at her castle door to ask her hand in marriage.”

A blank expression passed over Luna’s face before turning to realization with a tinge of regret, her eyes casting down towards the ground, her back slouching slightly, and her mouth hanging just barely open.

“We may have forgotten that detail.”

“Luna!”

Luna cleared her throat and collected herself, once more confident in her decision and set in her ways.

“But there will not be men ‘lining up’ as you put it,” Luna elaborated. "We’ve made sure to schedule this neatly. Once every week, a suitor has been scheduled to approach her. We know to not overwhelm the girl, at the very least.”

“The suitors have already been invited and scheduled for appearances!?” Celestia shouted, stomping a hoof.

“Correct.”

Celestia gave Luna a withering glare before dropping it to take a deep breath. If the suitors were already invited, and were on their way, it wouldn’t look good to send them all packing. What will happen will happen. Twilight will just have to bear with being showered with royal men. Poor girl.

“…May I at least look at the schedule?” Celestia finally asked. Luna shrugged, conjured a scroll, and levitated it towards her sister.

“Be my guest.”

Celestia opened the scroll and nearly dropped it upon viewing the very first line, her pupils suddenly dilating and her eyes themselves growing wide.

“…Luna.”

“Yes?”

“The first name on this list seems familiar.”

“What?”

Twilight’s surprise seemed legitimate enough for her, but the Breezie lord before her, as well as his royal entourage, seemed to think differently, given their confused glances.

The Breezie lord himself, Estak Inklew Fliessnert the Conqueror, seemed to be the least put off by her surprise, his ridiculous confidence unwavering. The Breezie wore a long flowing red cape, which looked quite silly on his light magenta body, especially considering that the fabric seemed to weigh him down. It was almost nothing compared to the heavy golden crown adorned on his head, one that seemed just a bit too big for him, the sign of his wealth and rule drooping down to the point where it almost hung over his bright yellow eyes.

“It is I, Estak Inklew Fliessnert the Conqueror!” The Breezie declared. His shoulders slumped for a moment, his smile dropping somewhat.

“Well, you don’t really have to address me as ‘the conqueror’, it’s just some title I got when…you know what, let’s start over.” He regained his confident and regal stance, completely oblivious that his overly large clothes were hurting his case more than helping it, and zipped up to Twilight’s throne. He landed before her, bowing regally, nearly falling over as his crown tilted forwards.

“It would be my pleasure to be the royal suitor of your choice, Princess Twilight,” Estak stated with a smile. “As I’m sure it would band our two nations together in an everlasting bond.”

He suddenly became fidgety and awkward, his eyes widening in panic, tiny beads of sweat running down his face.

“O-Of course I wasn’t implying that the benefits of a marriage between us would be limited to a diplomatic level of effects,” he blurted out quickly, trying to save face. The guards around him glanced at each other, giggling at their liege floundering. “You’re very pretty, I mean beautiful, I mean exquisite, erm, gorgeous, uh…”

Twilight was blushing furiously, more out of embarrassment for Fliessnert than for the half-baked compliments. She decided to bail him out.

“E-Estak, was it?” Twilight asked. The flustered Breezie nodded furiously, reminding Twilight of a bobble head. Even his size matched. It

made her smile a bit, raising Fliessnert’s hopes.

“I’d prefer to go by Fliessnert, if it’s all the same to you,” Fliessnert admitted. Twilight stifled a laugh before continuing.

“Well, Lord Fliessnert, maybe you’d like to continue this conversation in private?” Twilight asked politely, with only the slightest undertones of ‘so you can’t embarrass yourself further in front of your own subordinates’ in her voice. Fliessnert breathed a sigh of relief before turning towards his guards.

“Guards!” he ordered, clapping his front appendages together twice, the concise action barely emitting a sound. “Wait outside of the throne room. I shall be out shortly.”

The guards nodded their heads, their ill-fitted iron helmets rocking back and forth. They buzzed out of the room, barely keeping their balance with their heavy weapons and armor.

“…Have you considered equipping them with some lighter gear?” Twilight asked once the guards were out of earshot.

“We’re experimenting with some para-armid synthetic fibers,” Fliessnert said dismissively. “As of right now, it’s undeveloped, so we’re sticking with the old ways. Really, I know nearly nothing about it. I’m just regurgitating some information from…wait…am I giving away the secret technologies of my people? I am, aren’t I?”

“Yes but I’m willing to forget you said anything,” Twilight said, filing the information he had spilled away in her brain for later use.

“Oh, good.” Fliessnert breathed a sigh of relief before remembering that he was in the presence of a princess, one that he had just

floundered his greeting with. “Erm, sorry about that. This is sort of my first time being a royal suitor.”

“Yeah, that still hasn’t been fully explained to me,” Twilight pointed out. “Or…at all, really.”

“Princess Luna sent out a decree,” Fliessnert said, pulling out a strip of paper from under his cape. Twilight raised an eyebrow at where it had been stored, but held it up to her face through levitation regardless.

“…Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” Twilight said, her voice slowly turning from angry to panicked. “I have to get married? So soon, too?! I-I don’t even know any of these suitors! I’ve never even had a special somepony! I’ve never even ki-“

She stopped in the middle of her tirade, locking eyes with Fliessnert.

“You didn’t just hear that.”

“Didn’t just hear what?”

“Exactly.”

Twilight covered her face with her fore hooves, moaned, and slumped down in her throne, kicking her hind legs out idly.

Fliesnnert, not completely blind to her discomfort, flew up to the arm of her throne and patted her consolingly on the head, his touch barely able to be registered.

“There there,” he said reassuringly, the intent somewhat killed by his dead monotone of a voice. “Hey, it’s not as if I wanted to come here either. N-Not that you wouldn’t be a good wife, not at all! It’s just that the Council of Wind pretty much forced me to come here to ask for your hand in marriage once given the opportunity. They’re sort of peeved at how they asked me to take over your country and I came back in ownership of a sandbox by the same name."

Twilight lowered her fore hooves and glanced at Fliessnert.

“What?”

Fliessnert waved a slender arm dismissively.

“Nevermind. It’s a long story anyways. Like, it would take two thousand two hundred and twenty four words to say, at least.”

Twilight chuckled nervously, not exactly sure of how to react to such an odd saying. Maybe it was a Breezie phrase.

“Also, not to pressure you or anything, but if we don’t get married, I can’t return home,” Fliessnert warned. Twilight jumped straight up in her seat, accidently knocking Fliessnerts crown on the ground, but if anything, it was a weight off of his shoulders. Or neck.

“What?!”

“Well, like I said, the members of the Council of Wind aren’t exactly my biggest fans right now,” Fliessnert explained. “Since all I ‘conquered’ was an eighteen square hoof piece of land, yet it still met their demands, technically, they let me off banishment with the stipulation that I have to marry into Equestrian royalty. Luna’s proposition was actually pretty conveniently timed.”

Twilight thought to herself, not sure how to approach this situation. Either ensure her happiness, or the happiness of another. It put every friendship, moral, and ethical lessons she had ever learned into question.

“You don’t have to make any hasty decisions,” Fliessnert said understandingly, resting an arm on her hoof, looking her right in the eyes. “All I’m asking for is a chance. Could you honor me with such a thing?”

Twilight slowly smiled, her panic lifted, but before she could say anything, something suddenly burst through the ceiling of her throne room, sending large crystal blocks flying into the floor and walls, not only creating a cacophony, but a giant mess as well.

“CELESTIA!” A voice suddenly boomed in the Royal Canterlot voice. The glowing eyes of Princess Luna shined through the dust of her intrusion, causing Twilight and Fliessnert to stumble back in fear and confusion.

Luna payed the apparitions no mind, instead slamming her forehooves into the floor, shattering the crystal, as well as the fabric of the dream itself, the entire room fragmenting at her touch.

“WAKE UP!”

Celestia suddenly sat up straight in her bed, breathing hard. As soon as she realized what happened, she yelled for her sister.

“Luna!”

Luna didn’t bother entering her sister’s bedroom, deciding instead to answer from behind the door.

“It is quite unbecoming of you to pair your former student with such a clod!”

Celestia simply groaned and fell onto her back, annoyed that her wonderful dream had been interrupted.

“…But they would be so cute together…”