Author's Note

1. Twilight Sparkle's behavior is based upon the character Twilight 'Sparkle' Mengele.

PRINCESS CELESTIA - revised

The carriage entered through the unguarded main gate of a castle that stands majestically with its many ivory towers and turrets with golden spires and domes, atop a small hill with terraced gardens built around it.

After the passengers disembarked from the carriage, Discord became furious at the lack of security around the castle. “Goodness! Where are the guards!? I swear to Faust Almighty I’ll turn them into candy popcorn if I catch them sleeping on the job! Imagine all the chaos that could’ve happened in their absence.”

Dash and Zach waited, chilly autumn air blew in their faces, as the captain opened the main entrance for the visitors.

“Y’know, this is unbelievably light for an armor,” Dash remarked. “Why’s it called a SHADE?”

“If I tell you,” Zach said, “will you stop bothering me with the questions?”

“Um, okay.”

“It’s backronym for ‘Superior Highly-Advanced and Durable Exoskeleton’.”

“So is this magic too? ‘Cuz that name sounds more sci-fi than magic fantasy.”

“Quit it already,” Zach said in irritation.

But Dash ignored him. “And why’s yours look different?”

“Hey!!! Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay!?”

Crossed, Dash folded her arms and looked away. “Lame!”

“Look, Dash. Considering how I feel about public nudity, the only reason I’m letting you keeping that is because, in case you didn’t notice, it’s the only thing you’re wearing right now.”

She looked down at her clothes in realization.

“And don’t forget your promise,” Zach reminded her. “When we get to Princess Celestia, let the prince do all the talking. You just observe and play along with me.”

Dash shrugged her shoulders. “Yea, yea. Whatevs.”

Discord addressed Price Umbra as they all entered the main entrance into a vibrant hallway lined with decorative pillars, diamond chandeliers, stained glass and antique vases. “Before your audience with the princess, I shall need to take you to see the Chancellor.”

“Of course,” the prince agreed. “But we mustn’t waste too much time.”

Sitting at the grand table before them is Sir Blueblood, the Chancellor of Equestria. Discord stood guard at his side. Dash watched in awe as a quill wrote on its own on a piece of paper, both floating in midair before the unicorn.

“What do you mean by the princess isn’t available, my good sir?” Umbra asked in utter dismay.

“I’m truly sorry, Your Highness,” Blueblood said. “It’s not possible to see her right now. But you needn’t be too concerned. I guarantee that should any threat cross our border,-”

“But sir,” Zach interjected, “four of them already have!”

Discord snapped his fingers and casually said, “I can vouch for that.”

Blueblood shot an annoyed glare at the captain.

After Discord apologized, Blueblood turned his attention back to the guests. “Now where was I? Oh yes. Should any threat cross our border, our royal army will be more than adequately to take on them.”

“That won’t do, sir!” Prince Umbra protested. “I’m afraid you don’t fully understand the threat we are about to face! A great war is approaching! Brought upon an evil ‘Alicorn’! Only your princess and the Elements of Harmony can be hoped to defeat this new evil.”

Dash tensed up at the mention of word ‘war’. First talking ponies, then some freakish creatures tried to kill her and now this? Things were getting worse and it was not even past one day.

Blueblood and Captain Discord exchanged a cryptic look.

At this point, a female unicorn was storming into the office in a fit of panic. “SIR!!!”

She stopped to catch her breath. When she did so, the unicorn was taken aback by Dash’s presence.

“Faust Almighty!” Blueblood was appalled by his assistant’s behavior. “Sunset Shimmer, calm down!”

Dash glared at Sunset Shimmer bitterly as the unicorn’s appearance vaguely reminded her of a person who is her greatest antipathy. Even their voices are the same. She then shook her head to shrug the feeling off.

“Sorry about that,” Blueblood said to his guests. “This is Sunset Shimmer, my assistant.”

As much as Sunset Shimmer wanted to question the foreign guests’ business here, there was a much urgent matter need to be dealt with first. “Sir, she escaped from the asylum!”

“What!?” Blueblood exclaimed, knowing full well who Sunset Shimmer was referring to. “How!? Dr. Horse’s anti-magic barrier was supposed to be impenetrable!”

“That’s not all! She’s h-”

The unicorn was cut off by a sweet, angelic voice echoing from the hallway outside the office. “My dear nephew, who are you speaking to?”

Blueblood and Sunset Shimmer paled from fear. Faust Almighty, help us all.

Fully aware that the chancellor is the Princess of the Sunlight’s nephew, Umbra got up expectantly. He headed to the door, followed by Dash and Zach. Sunset Shimmer attempted to stop them but they were already outside the office.

In the hallway, the prince was delighted to finally meet the elegant white Alicorn with flowing multi-colored mane. “Ah, Princess Celestia! Just the royal pony we need to see.”

Sunset Shimmer chased after him. “No, stop! There’s a shocking fact you must know about her!”

“Sunset Shimmer!” The princess’ voice was stern and commanding. “It’s impolite to interrupt when our guest is speaking!”

Sunset Shimmer cringed. Based on her expression, she is definitely afraid of the princess, but why?

Celestia smiled confidently at the guests and spoke in a calmer voice, “You may speak.”

Meanwhile, at the rear, Blueblood leaned close to Discord, both looking worried.

“Captain, get the royal guards here now.”

“I would have if I could find them.”

Sunset Shimmer joined in and whispered something to them both. Whatever it was about, Blueblood’s was very shocked to hear it.

“It happened a short while ago,” Sunset Shimmer informed him.

Umbra bowed in respect before Celestia. “Let me introduce myself. I am Prince Umbra of the Southern Kingdom.”

He gestured at Zach. “These are my acquaintances. Lord Zachary Watterson. He claims to be a knight-errant from the Badlands.”

Dash wondered if Godslayer is synonymous with knight-errant. But then again, he did deny when asked about the ‘Nanites’.

Oblivious to Dash’s reaction at him, Zach bowed to Princess Celestia and then knelt on one knee.

“And this is Miss Dash.” Umbra paused briefly to think. “An…associate we happen to meet on the way here.”

Dash was unsure of the protocol. She merely copied what Zach was doing.

Celestia appeared to be astonished to see Dash. “Why, she’s a human being. It seems that Star Swirl’s stories might have a ring of truth in it after all, yes?”

“Indeed,” Umbra agreed.

“Now, pressing to the matter at hoof. What brings you here all the way from the South, Prince Umbra?”

“Is it all right for us to speak here, princess?”

“If it is so urgent, then yes, you may proceed.”

"Very well. First and foremost, it is an honor for me to be admitted in your presence, Princess Celestia. But alas, I could only wish it was in better circumstances.” Umbra raised his voice a little, so as to sound dramatic. “We risked ourselves journeying here to bring troubling news. A war is approaching!”

Zach rose to his feet, hastily followed by Dash.

The prince continued, “Tales of your victory over Nightmare Moon were widely spread in the land. We humbly request that you wield the Elements of Harmony once again for a new evil have emerged from Everfree Forest.”

Zach gestured broadly. Blueblood and Sunset Shimmer gasped in awe as an array of virtual display screens surrounded them.

Both unicorns were thinking of the same thing. A being other than unicorns capable of magic? Unbelievable!

Discord seemed delighted however. “Ooh, is it magic show? I should’ve brought some candy popcorn.”

As for Celestia, she remained composed.

An image of a fully armored female pony standing in a perfect upright position appeared. Her armor is styled in the manner of a robotic Alicorn, with spiked wings and a red horn-shaped crystal on her helmet. The visor blocks all view of her face, leaving only two menacing glowing eyes visible.

“An angry pony going by the name Ragingheart has taken over my kingdom! Numbering in the millions, we were hopelessly overwhelmed by her army!”

On the other screens, innumerable MBPs, Daleks, Mithras and White Bunnehs massed out from Everfree Forest and Ghastly Gorge towards Appleloosa, the capital city of the Southern Kingdom. War erupted across the myriad screens. Explosions wreaked havoc on Appleloosa as Godslayer Watterson along with the outnumbered defenders battled Ragingheart’s forces.

“We have come to believe Ragingheart has set her sights on Equestria as we speak, planning on bringing chaos to this kingdom as she previously did to mine! Homes and cities will be demolished-for no reason! Ponies will be damned as slaves in rock farms, digging rock-for no reason! And forced to eat nothing but tofu bacon for their meals!”

Another screen showed Mithras and White Bunnehs commanding a group of pony slaves in the rock farm. Ragingheart gestured triumphantly amid the chaos in the final screen.

While that entire scene is playing, Dash thought to herself, Seriously? Rock farms, tofu bacon. This place is wacky!

By now Umbra prepared to conclude his speech. “Oh, great Princess Celestia! As the bearer of Elements of Harmony, you are everypony’s last hope! Let us join forces to defeat this evil ‘Alicorn’-”

“So is she an angry ‘Alicorn’ or an evil ‘Alicorn’?” Celestia abruptly interrupted him. “I’m confused here,”

“Why, she is both, princess… As I was saying, let us join forces to defeat this evil ‘Alicorn’ before the light of good is extinguished forever.”

Zach made another gesture. All the screens immediately vanished.

He then gave the prince a thumbs-up. “Great performance, Your Highness.”

“I couldn’t have done it without your speech, Lord Watterson.”

Zach and Umbra eagerly waited for the princess’ reaction.

Finally, Celestia looking distressed spoke, “That’s…terrible. I’ll be in my room! And don’t even bother to find me until everything is all over!”

Her horn lighted up in a dark purple aura. A split second later, she disappeared in a flash, stunning everyone there, except Blueblood, Sunset Shimmer and Discord.

“What, that’s it?” Dash said to break the awkward silence.

Celestia suddenly reappeared in the same manner right before Prince Umbra. Now wearing sunglasses and a black business tie.

“Before that,” she grinned widely at him, which is rather uncharacteristic to her elegance and beauty, “may I interest you in an anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only fifty bits premium?”

Umbra became confused by the princess’ demeanor. “Pardon me?”

“The only way you can make a claim with this coverage is if your house is robbed while it´s burniiiing!”

Dash and Zach both gazed at Celestia strangely.

“You’re kidding, right?” Dash said to the seemingly deranged princess.

“Problem? Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, then give me a call then and let me know.”

Celestia gave each of the guests her ‘business card’ before disappearing from there- again.

They all take a closer look at the card:

TROLLESTIA INSURANCE.

Best Coverage, No Gimmicks – probably!

Baffled, Zach asked the now nervous Blueblood, “What was that all about!?”

“It’s not what it looks like. She had recently started a-”

“Please, sir!” Sunset Shimmer interjected, having decided that enough is enough. “We can’t hide this forever from the other kingdoms, especially when things have gotten out of hoof!”

Sir Blueblood relented with a heavy heart.

Sunset Shimmer turned to the guests and began telling the truth regarding Princess Celestia. “The battle between Princess Luna and Celestia-”

The way Sunset Shimmer addressed the latter princess drew disapproval from Blueblood.

“The battle between Princess Luna and Princess Celestia,” Sunset Shimmer corrected. “This is how it really goes...”

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two royal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night.

Thus the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects. But as time went on, the elder sister became resentful. The ponies partied in the night her younger sister brought forth, but worked through her beautiful day.

One fateful day, the older Alicorn refused to lower the sun to make way for the dusk. The younger sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness of the old one’s heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of hatred. She surrounded herself with a brigade of evil traitors then stole seven powerful magic artifacts from her sister’s treasure chamber- the Alicorn Amulets.

With their newfound power, the evil forces under Princess Celestia fought the good Princess Luna. Eventually, Princess Celestia defeated her younger sister and banished her to the moon.

A moment of silent disbelief passed until Dash decided to break it. “You’re making this all up, aren’t you?”

Zach nudged her arm in response.

“Please excuse her,” he said to Sunset Shimmer. “So… about the Alicorn Amulet, it’s Dark Magic, isn’t it?”

“Yes," the unicorn confirmed. "For using it, they paid a terrible price.”

“How?”

“When Princess Celestia was left as the sole ruler for a year, she ordered the cover up of her battle against Princess Luna. Everything was peaceful for a while. But as time goes by, she gradually fell into insanity.”

“Calling herself Trollestia, nonsensical ramblings, silly pranks,” Discord added, “things like that. Whichever mad gods created those amulets, they really went all out.”

Blueblood felt deeply hurt that more secrets to his family’s disgrace are made known to guests.

***

Lyra Heartstrings is a mint-coated unicorn capable of walking on her two hind legs- probably the only one able to do so. One day, she was eagerly showing her sketches to her eccentric friend, Derpy. Eccentric not due to her googly eyes, but the muffin the pegasus seemed to always carry around on her mane.

Trollestia then appeared out of nowhere to interrupt the two friends. “Hey, hey, hey! Any of you like bananas?”

“Sorry, Your Royal Highness,” Derpy said earnestly. “I don’t.”

Trollestia however did not like the answer at all. “You don’t like bananas? How could you not like bananas? What could possibly be better than the super delicious yet nutrient-deficient yellow vegetable?”

“It is not a vegetable, Your Royal Highness,” Derpy pointed out.

Trollestia took notice of the muffin on Derpy’s mane. She grinned maniacally. Her eyes become crazed.

“Oh yeah?” she said. “Then off to the moooooooooon!”

After a dark flash, Derpy had completely disappeared without a trace. The incident sent chill Lyra’s spine and she immediately ran off as Trollestia laughed like a total maniac.

“‘Cause you won’t be finding any muffins on the moooooooooon!”

Trollestia picked up the muffin inadvertently left behind by Derpy. She took bite then spitted it out in disgust.

“Ewww, raisins! Why would anypony eat something that makes everything tastes like poop!?”

After throwing the muffin away, Trollestia proceeded to go after Lyra. “Hey, hold on! Aunt Molestia wants to lick your plot!”

“Leave me alone!” the poor unicorn cried, without looking back.

***

Upon hearing this, Umbra shook his head in dismay. “Pity.”

“Fed up with her antics,” Sunset Shimmer continued, “Sir Blueblood managed to trick the princess into locking herself up in Dr. Horses’s asylum surrounded by an anti-magic barrier.”

***

Blueblood tossed a banana into the padded cell, prompting Trollestia to chases after it. He then magically locked the door, sealing the demented princess in the asylum for good. Or so he thought.

***

“Only Faust knows how she’d escaped,” Blueblood sighed.

“Afterwards,” Sunset Shimmer said, “we confiscated all the amulets and destroyed it along with the other Dark Magic artefacts.”

“So who has been raising the sun and the moon all this time?” Zach asked.

“I did.”

“And tell me. The traitors, one of them don’t happen to be a purple unicorn with a long princess cut hairstyle?”

“Twilight Sparkle?”

“Uh-huh.”

Dash unwittingly reacted to the name. “Twilight!?”

Everyone in the hallway stared at her.

“Nothin’!” she said nervously. “It’s a nice name. Go on.”

Sunset Shimmer turned her attention back to Zach. “How did you know?”

“Uh, never mind that. So what happened to her?”

***

A wide grin ran across Twilight Sparkle, whom is dressed in a white lab coat. She looked proudly upon her latest creation- a pathetic-looking ‘death ray gun’ cobbled together out of cardboard, metal scraps, paperclips and rubber band, attached on top of a microwave oven. At the end of the muzzle is a potato placed on a table.

“Behold my latest experiment, Spike! Through the mighty atomic power of the microwave oven combined with unique magical properties of humble scraps of all stripes, I shall bring this potato to life!”

Spike looked at the machine with zero optimism. “Doc, you sure this is safe?”

“Of course, my silly little gay assistant!” the unicorn said confidently. “For I have recreated this wonderful machine from the Star Swirl’s blueprints perfectly!”

Spike glanced at the blueprint, supposedly belonging to Star Swirl, pinned to wall. It is definitely identical to the real thing. And it was drawn in crayons. It is doubtful that Star Swirl drew this one.

“I‘m pretty sure ponies don’t use crayons a hundred years ago, doc.”

“Don’t say such nonsenses, Spike! Now less talk, more magic! Go and flip the switch!”

“One army of zombie potatoes coming up,” the dragon pronounced as he flipped a switch on the wall.

Twilight Sparkle put on her goggles, laughing hysterically as the gun began lighting up and shaking wildly. “Oh yeah! This is my kind of magic!”

BOOM! The Golden Oak Lab imploded into a million splinters of wood.

***

Sunset Shimmer concluded, “She was the most gifted students at magic school and Princess Celestia’s most…promising...apprentice, yet she was also the first to fall to the amulet’s corruption.”

Dash scratched her head, uncertain whether the unicorn was joking or being serious.

Zach meanwhile was in a state of shock. Bug eyed, his jaws dropped open. It took a while before he regained his composure to ask about the rest of the Mane Six.

***

In a dark alley illuminated by the full moon, terrified ponies galloped away from Fluttershy. She wore a ski mask and wielded a machete in her mouth.

A freak show voice called out to her, “Hey you, lesser evil! Get out of here! This is my turf!”

The insane pegasus turned around. The voice is revealed to belong to Pinkie Pie, dressed in a Freddy Krueger costume. Sharp knives attach to her hooves like claws. And they are not fakes.

They both charged at each other in a showdown, resulting sounds of metal clanging, blood spattering and flesh tearing apart puncturing the silent night.

***

The double-shocked Zach gestured his hands erratically. “What the WHAT!?”

Captains Discord stepped forth and said, “I can tell you what happened to Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”

***

Rarity and Applejack stopped a group of young trick-or-treaters. Rarity, wearing a fake moustache and an eye patch, threatened the fillies with a spoon. She speaks with a comical Russian accent.

“Everypony freeze! This is a stickup! I got a spoon and I know how to use it!”

Applejack, dressing up as a country outlaw, pointed at them a toy gun that shoots rubber darts. “Give us de candies if y’all know what’s good for ya!”

The sullen and abnormally quiet Rainbow Dash grabbed the bags of candies from the foals.

Discord, whom is in his red caped superhero costume, happened to see this and heroically tried to stop the crime in progress. “In the name of the Royal Sisters, I, Captain Discord Goodguy Jr., order you all to halt! Stealing candy on Nightmare Night will not be-”

Before the captain could finish, he was stampeded over by the Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash followed by an angry mob brandishing pitchforks and torches.

“Bullies! Get ‘em!” shouted the Earth pony leading the mob. “Stealin’ from mah fillies, will ya!?”

As soon as the mob passed, Discord was lying on the ground, twitching from his pain.

“Medic,” he groaned, “I need candy popcorn!”

***

“Last I heard they were chased all the way to Ghastly Gorge, never to be seen again,” Discord concluded. “The Quarray eels most likely got them.”

Dash palmed her face. I can’t tell if they’re crazy or just plain stupid...

And Zach, he was bumping his head on the nearest pillar, feeling so disappointment. Aw, man. What kind of world does those six ended up as idiots?

The disheartened Blueblood stepped forth and gave a brave face at the guests. “As the Chancellor of Equestria, I take full responsibility. I decided to continue the cover up despite Princess Celestia’s imprisonment so as to prevent my family’s name from being tarnished.”

“So all this time, you’ve been running this country in the name of the Royal Sisters, am I correct?” Umbra asked him.

“Yes, Your Highness.”

“Very well, moving along then! As Third-in-Command and the sole legitimate authority present here, will you agree to let your army join forces with me in the upcoming fight against Ragingheart?”

Captain Discord looked embarrassed. “Err…what army would that be?”

Zach braced for more bad news.

“Moments before you guys arrived,” Sunset Shimmer revealed, “Princess Celestia declared war on…cheese and, uh, ‘teleported’ the entire royal guards to the moon.”

Wow, ‘great’ timing, Dash thought sarcastically.

“What!?” Zach exclaimed. “What about the standing army!?”

“All of them,” Discord said.

“Are you saying that Canterlot is practically defenseless!?”

“At least we still have the reserve guards,” said the captain. “And myself, of course.”

Blueblood hoofed his face. “We’re still doomed.”

Zach however decided to remain determined. “Oh not yet we don’t! Sunset Shimmer, what about the Elements of Harmony? Do they actually exist here?”

“Yes, but nopony actually knows how it works.”

“Surely, the Royal Sisters might’ve mentioned something to you?”

“None! I never get to finish my study under Princess Lu-I mean, Princess Celestia. There’re not even a references about it in the castle’s library.”

“Then…I’m sure we’ll work it out somehow. I understand that the Elements of Harmony are like the counter-balance to the Alicorn Amulets. It’s our only chance to beat Ragingheart’s unstoppable army.”

“Or maybe,” Dash suddenly voiced out, “we could just convince Trollestia to teleport this Ragingheart along with her army to the moon.”

They all glared at her with a disapproving look, especially Zach.

“What?” Dash said. “Sounds like a plan, right?”

Zach palmed his face and sighed heavily before getting back to Sunset Shimmer. “Where are the Elements now?”

Sunset Shimmer opened the double doors to the treasure chamber. She entered first, followed by the rest. Inside, they found Trollestia attempting to put the Elements of Harmony in a suitcase. Seemingly taken by surprise by their presence, Trollestia intentionally dropped the Elements of Harmony on the floor.

“Oops, no Elements of Harmony here!” she said while pretending to examine the suitcase’s content.

“What the-!? Princess!” Zach said in total shock. “You’re not trying run away with the Elements of Harmony, are you!?”

“What, you mad?” Trollestia said back with a cynical tone.

She then asked Dash, “Say, you like bananas?”

Confused, Dash’s only response was “Huh?”

Sunset Shimmer abruptly shut Dash’s mouth with her hoof and uttered, “Yes! Yes, she does!”

“All righty then. Gotta roll! Trollestia…awayyyyy!” Trollestia disappeared from the chamber, along with suitcase.

Blueblood and Discord both sighed in relief.

“That actually went well,” said the latter. “We’re still here.”

“Indeed,” Umbra agreed. “The Elements of Harmony were not taken away as well. There is still hope.”

Dash picked up one of the gems and examined it.

Courtesy of the knowledge she learned from her friend Dorothy, she frankly stated, “It’s a fake.”

Dash tossed the gem onto the floor. Blueblood and Sunset Shimmer gasped as they watched in dismay the gem easily broke into pieces. The Elements of Harmony left in the chamber were merely glass copies.

“That’s it, we’re definitely doomed!” Sir Blueblood said despairingly.

Zach was furious. “Aw, I can’t believe this crap!”

Discord gently patted on Blueblood’s shoulder to ease his despair. “There, there, Blueblood. Calm down.”

Umbra gazed sympathetically at his hosts.

“Lord Watterson,” he said, “it’s now up to you to help these poor ponies to defend Canterlot.”

“You want me to stay here, Your Highness?”

Hope and expectations filled Sunset Shimmer. “You’ll help us?”

Zach felt uneasy about his master’s suggestion. “But what about you, Your Highness?”

“There isn’t much time,” said the prince. “Ragingheart’s forces will probably arrive in a week or even sooner. You must help them in any way you can. In the meantime, I shall travel to Diamondia to seek their aid.”

“But, I can’t just leave your side. Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Do not worry, Lord Watterson,” Umbra assured him. “Their kingdom is located in far north, beyond Ragingheart’s reaches.”

“But that might take weeks, even longer than it took us to get here through Dodge Junction.”

“You can borrow one of our Super Speedy Chaser 6000,” Captain Discord suggested. “It’ll cut short considerably the time needed to get there.”

Zach considered all this. He glanced briefly at Dash. Though still hesitant, he finally agreed.

“Excellent!” Prince Umbra said delightfully upon hearing his bodyguard’s decision

Dash raised a hand at Zach. “Hey, what happens to me?”

“Don’t worry,” said the feline. “You’re still with me.”

At that moment, Trixie came into the chamber. She was very surprised to see Dash again, but quickly changed her attention and whispered something to Sunset Shimmer’s ears.

“Then it’s agreed,” Umbra declared. “Stay strong and pray that I return to Equestria in time with reinforcements! I shall leave immediately!”

He cantered out of the chamber in haste.

“Can I persuade to stay a little longer, Your Highness?” Sunset Shimmer called out to him. “I was informed brunch is ready.”

Prince Umbra immediately returned to the chamber. “Very well! I shall leave in two hours!”

***

Trollestia stood motionless for a while in the middle of a vast sandy dessert.

“Where in Equestria am I?” she asked herself. “Meh, I’m sure I can find my way back home later.”

It is then revealed that the real Elements of Harmony was in her possession all along.

“Hah, I knew it all along!” she grinned.