What's Yours Is Mine

by SwordTune

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Other, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1770

To serve and protect, these fine officers must steal and plunder.

What's more ridiculous than going on trial? Your stuff going on trial. Indeed, Equestria has hit rock bottom with its court cases, going to trial against inanimate objects for involvement in a crime. The worst part of it is, your stuff is guilty until you prove it innocent. Now how the f:yay: does that work?

Published 2015-08-06 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-06 02:50:01 UTC

Civil Asset Forfeiture 101

About ten days ago I had six thousand bits taken from me on my way to visit a friend. He wanted to get some funding to start a talk show, and since he loves to talk about the same stuff we do interviews on, I decided to lend him some money to purchase the equipment. After a few hours on the road a Fillydelphia police pony pulled me over for "suspicion of drunk driving." He said I was dragging my carriage out of my lane of travel. The funny thing is, I keep a camera on my carriage, and when I check it later, I saw that me and my carriage was definitely in the lane of travel the whole time.

The officer gave me a warning after he confirmed I wasn't drunk, and then asked some strange questions. He wanted to know where I was from, and where I was headed. I thought it would be simple, just answer truthfully and be done with it. I told him I was from Manehattan, told him I was visiting a friend in Ponyville. Then he checked asked to check my carriage, and I begrudgingly allowed him to do so. He found the six thousand bits, that were in no way concealed, and somehow concluded that I concealed information about the money I was carrying because I intended to use it to purchase drugs.

He wrapped up both suitcases of bits in plastic to "avoid contamination" and took it into his cart. He told me it would be investigated, and that I would be informed when it was done. I was fairly pissed at the time but there was nothing I could do, so I went on my way to Ponyville to apologize to my friend about the money.

Fast forward to four days ago, when I sent a letter to FPD about the money they so rudely took from me. That's when the anger started to flow. First they told me I could not have it back because it was guilty of being involved in drug trafficking, and then said I had to prove to the court that my money was innocent. How the hell does that work? And furthermore, any officer that believe you have to travel from Manehattan to Ponyville, clearly hasn't heard of the concept of Manehattan University of Visual Arts. It might be unethical, but it's right there.

I was shocked that this could happen, so I did some research, and it turns out court cases against inanimate objects were not uncommon, and also hilariously named. For example, and all of these are true, the case of "Equestria vs. Eight Thouand Eight Hundred and Sixty Bits," the case of "Canterlot vs. An Article... Consisting of 60,0000 Cardboard Boxes More or Less, Each Containing One Set of Measuring Spoons," and the case of "Equestria vs. Approximately 55,392 Pounds of Milk Cartons."

And under Civil Forfeiture Laws, as I found out the hard way, your stuff has much less protection under the law than you do. All property seized by civil forfeiture is considered guilty, until the owner proves it innocent. So lets hear more of this bullshit tonight as my next interview gets a little bit more personal. I've gotten in contact with a mare who frequently visits a friend in Ponyville, and got stuck in the same predicament as I did.

This audio recording has been adapted and funded by Sofas and Quills and Cloudsdale Printings

Canterlot vs. 24 Boxes of Minuette's Donuts and A Cart

First of all, I have got to tell you what a relief it is to find some pony who went through the same thing I did because it's really frustrating that most ponies never hear about these things, so not much gets done about it.

"I know how it is, I was so upset when I had my whole cart impounded just because I visited my friend Lyra in Ponyville so often."

Oh, before I forget, could you state your name for the recording?

"Oh, sure!" she smiled. "My name is Minuette, and I love to eat donuts."

Okay, so how much do you know about civil asset forfeiture, because I'm a little knew at this topic.

"Hm, well I never took much interest in law, and I still don't, but my friend Princess Twilight Sparkle and Moon Dancer helped me find just the right books about it."

Hold on, Princess Twilight is your friend. Like the alicorn Princess Twilight.

"Yeup!"

.....

Continue.

"Basically, civil forfeiture lets the law enforcement agencies take your stuff, if they suspect it's been involved in criminal acts, even though no actual legal process has been done. And even if the city where your stuff was seized has restrictions on civil forfeiture, those agencies can use something called 'Equitable Sharing' as a way around the restrictions."

So, did Princess Twilight do anything about this issue?

Minuette raised a brow at me. "Are you suggesting my friend is part of this problem, mister?"

What,no! I was just wondering... I mean I just thought is was curious that... um...

"I'm just messing around with you," she laughed. "Of course Twilight did something about it. Didn't you hear about the Equitable Sharing Reforms Celestia released yesterday? Jeez, you're like Moon Dancer, you gotta get out more."

This is not about my social life, or lack thereof; look, never mind! Can you share what happened to you the day a Canterlot guard seized your cart and it's contents?

"I sure can!" She was surprisingly joyful for such a sour topic. I kept wondering what pills she was taking. "So I was on my way out of Canterlot on my usual trip to Ponyville. My friend Lyra lives there so I like to visit often. But when I got to the city gates a guard stopped me and said my cart was suspected for involvement of drug trafficking."

How so?

"Well I couldn't find out so that's when I sent a letter to Twilight asking for help. She did a little ordering around for me and found all the files on the guards had shared involving me and my cart."

These files, how were they obtained and shared?

"To be honest, it wasn't the first time I had the guard search through my cart, but I never had anything wrong with me so I didn't pay attention to it. Apparently the guards did and posted my picture and the cart's serial number on a notice board for something called 'Urban Storm.'" Minuette paused for a moment, showing her first signs of concern in the interview. "It was one of the worst things I've seen in my life. Twilight told me my information was in the hooves of almost every guard involved in Urban Storm, and it was classified under 'BOTL,' or Be-On-The-Lookout. I was suspicious because I made frequent trips in and out of Canterlot."

Well if some pony as happy as you can be called suspicious then there's no hope for me then.

"Oh don't be like that, I'm sure you're a funny stallion!"

When I was twelve my mother told me never to pursue a career in comedy; she said I would undoubtedly fail.

"Well, at least you can dream about it, right?" She said, giving a supportive smile.

Yeah, I guess. So, do you have any idea as to what the motivation was for the guards to be tracking you and your property?

"It's no secret police departments, including the Canterlot Guard Department, keeps up to one hundred percent of what they take, which also made me question their motive for always asking if I had large sums of bits with me almost every time I left and entered the city. So that's when I asked my other friend Moon Dancer to look up old court hearings stored at the library."

What did you two find?

Minuette pulled a small stack of papers from her saddle bag and placed it on the table. "This one's from a case two years ago, and just listen to the statement made by one concerned citizen from Cloudsdale."

She flipped a few pages and read, "I believe it is evident to any pony, with or without a degree in law, that the purchase of kegs of beer and cider, margarita machines, and bottles of Canterlot Royal Spirits, for office parties - as was done in Cloudsdale - don't qualify as expenses for official purposes."

Those pegasus cops, are literally taking ponies' money for their own personal slush fund. What the hell? If they needed money for equipment we could just give it to them, but if they want a margarita machine, they should be fucking paying for that themselves. I'm going to have to do some serious research into this matter over the next few days, but before coming here I did pull up a file on the number of seizures done by the police nationwide. Minuette, what do you have to say about the fact that since the Discord incident in Ponyville, there have been nearly 62,000 cash seizures made by the police, totaling up to 2.1 billion bits.

"Wow wow wee wah, that's a lot of money. The cases in Canterlot's library sounded bad, but when you add it all up like that it's a huge catastrophe. You know, cash seizures aren't the only thing civil forfeiture can take."

Wait, it gets worse?

"Yeah, after Twilight got my cart and donuts back I did what you did and looked around for some pony to talk to it about. I ended up finding a huge club of ponies from all over Equestria who had their houses seized. The ponies from Fillydelphia alone were the result of about one thousand houses seized."

Holy shit. What for?

"Most of them had the same story. The Fillydelphia police claimed their houses were guilty of being involved in drug sales."

So it's basically a case of Fillydelphia vs One thousand drug trafficking houses.

"Yeup. See, you're getting the hang of being funny!"

Thanks! I don't get many ponies complementing my work. Also, thank you for holding off your trip back to Canterlot to have this interview with me, it means a lot to my business, my audience, and me personally.

"Aw, we don't have to say goodbye already. Come on, I have a hilarious friend who works at the Sugar Cube Corner. I bet Pinkie Pie could give you some comedy tips."

Wait I kind of need to get this recording to my editors and- (audio fades, door closing)