Prologue: Let me just gather my thoughts...
Dear ~~Diary~~ Journal,
It happened again!
Why do I always lose?!
I don't understand it! I'm bigger than him, I'm stronger than him, I'm tougher than him, I have more magical affinity than him, and I definitely have more resources than him! Yet how is it that time and time again my evil plans are foiled by that darned plumber Mario?!
This last time was even worse. I had got my grimy claws on the legendary Crystal Star that Kammy told me about, and it worked just like it said in the book! Get the Crystal Star, wear it on you, become invincible! It was amazing, to be sure, but I've had plenty of magical artifacts of great power tote the "invincible" thing before, so I wanted to stack the deck a little, you know? I didn't just go right into kidnapping my beloved Princess Peach this time, oh no, I went to round up some a little "assurance". I had my minions nab my nemesis' green brother Whatshisname, and to imprison that pesky little race of dinosaurs that have plagued me since I was a child! I had my armies gather ever single flower they could find, they plucked every songbird of every single feather, and I had some of the mages perform a ritual to make sure it wouldn't be even 1% humid or dark for weeks in advance to cut mushrooms out of everyone's diet! I had doubled the guards on my palace, I ordered the Koopalings to take a regiment each and start attacking different parts of the Mushroom Kingdom simultaneously to give them all something to keep their attention, I had taken all the precautions I could think of! (And several that never occurred to me before...)
By all rights I had NO BUSINESS losing...
Then Mario showed up.
Like usual, he seemed to have just mowed through my minions and defenses like a freakin' laser grass-trimmer, and in record time, to enter my throne room and do our age old song and dance like it was second nature. The fight was going well! I was actually, truly and sincerely, invincible and he went down hard. I was on top of the world! And the world was actually going to finally be conquered by me! But lo and behold, the legendary Crystal Star had a flaw. It made whomever possessed it to become invincible and all powerful, but that same buff apparently didn't extend to itself! Who freaking makes these stupid mythical trinkets anyway?! Why would someone make an "all powerful artifact" and incorporate such an intentional sounding flaw?
So the little Italian meatball somehow dug deep inside himself or something of that cliched nature, gather all the hope and love and strength he had left, and did what he did best.
He jumped.
Leaped at me like a missile shot outta heck, and thinking I was covered on all of my bases, I stood there laughing at his, what I thought to be, feeble attempt at one last bit of defiance. I took the hit, but the greasy pain in my butt managed to hit the Crystal Star and shattered it into tiny little fragments. I can only imagine my look of shock... I probably looked really lame! Ugh!
So, apparently super uber powerful magic artifacts don't really like being broken, as I soon learned. The mana infused into the darn thing must of gone unstable, because the moment it no longer was confined to it's properly enchanted vessel, it decided to explode into a brilliantly white light, engulfing all in the room.
Next thing I know, I'm freezing my generous green butt off in some arctic wasteland over looking a nearby kingdom made entirely out of the same cruddy material that seemingly teleported me to who know's where this is! Gah, it's bugging the heck out of me! This is definitely what I needed! No sarcasm there! Get my butt whooped for the umpteenth time, and now the universe is mocking me! And here I am, just a half ton spike-shelled dragon who just wants to taste victory once in his miserable little life, all alone in his latest defeat!
...
Is that Kammy sticking out of the snow over there?
Huh.
Maybe this isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be.
Yours gruesomely,
King Bowser.
Closing my journal with a satisfying little 'clap!', I tucked it and my favorite pencil away into a gap under my shell where I've kept it ever since the time Peach somehow managed to escape her confinement and peridocally decided to invade my privacy and read my personal thoughts. Rude much?
"That you, Kammy?" I bellowed over the frozen winds whipping across the mountain we ended up on.
I could feel the chill nipping at my scaly hide as I trudged through the blanket of white stuff on the ground towards the blur of purple in the near distance. It felt like dozens of children were pelting me with slushballs. Slushballs they decided to leave in the freezer over night. So, essentialy it felt like little snot-nosed brats decided to get sadistic and throw solid chunks of ice at me. Luckily for me, I'm ME, and the cold really doesn't bother me too much. Kind of the benefit of having a belly full of magical fire, I suppose.
"Urph mer hermadrph!" The little purple thing stuck in the snow wriggled profusely, perhaps trying to free itself from it's cold predicament, and tried to say something in response.
With a few more rumbling steps, I was within arms reach of the object in question, and I confirmed it was indeed my oldest subordinate Kammy as I plucked her out of the snow by the hem of her signature robes.
"What was that?" I asked.
The old hag hacked up her remaining good lung, spittle and powdery white ice particles being launched into the breeze haphazardly. " I said, 'Yes, your majesty!' "
"Ah, I figured it was something like that,' I placed the witch down into the snow, noting how how it practically came up to her shoulders, and watched her try to adjust her robes and dust herself off. " Good to see you still know your place, despite any possible magical shenanigans that might have been unleashed upon us."
Kammy brought herself up straight and adjusted her glasses. "Why, of course, your nastiness!' she squawked indignantly. " It matters not the circumstance, nor the location, you are still the King! As if I would ever think otherwise, your majesty!"
It does a reptilian heart good to hear such loyalty.
And brown-nosing.
"Gwahahaha! As always, my lovely little hag, you speak the truth!' I guffawed at Kammy's display of obediance. With a well-needed laugh I decided to once more look about the area. We stood high on top of a blizzard-y mountain, overlooking a neighboring land of green grass and flowers. It was an interesting contrast to see two vastly different climates sitting side-by-side like that. Almost a little unnerving, but living where I do, it's more common than you'd think. "Where are we, Kammy?"
The wizened old koopa blinked a few times, and then began to look around her as if noticing the sub zero temperatures for the first time.
"Oh my!" she gasped. "Why, where are we indeed!"
You got to be kidding me!
"Oh, c'mon!' I began to stomp my foot in anger. "You just now noticed we're in a Winter Wonderland?!"
I can't believe how even my most capable minions are still so incompetent! Talk about a lack of awareness of your surroundings!
Kammy threw her arms out to either side and waved them about, trying to keep balance as my stomps made tremors in the ground.
"My liege! Please, I'd suggest not doing that!' she was quick to plead. "Just one stomp from your prodigious large body could be enough to set this how mountain to crumble down upon us! Or at the very least make an avalanche!"
I paused in mid-stomp, suddenly very aware of my surroundings. With a well-timed cough into one claw, I gently placed my foot back into the snow.
"Hrmhrr. Yes, you make a good point... er, I mean! The is the power of my considerable wrath! You'd better find out where we our this instant, crone, or you'll suffer if more of my fearsome might! Grrrr!" I quickly recovered from my near-blunder and fell back on my "go to" strategy for leading those underneath my command: threaten someone!
"R-right away, your evilship!" Kammy stammered in fear, and with a gesture of one hand, summoned for trusty flying broom from thin air. Quickly she leapt on it, side-saddle, and flew off into the distance, heading for that crystalline castle in the horizon.
"Hahaha! I love it when my minions tremble in fear of my wrath..." I sighed contentedly, before my brow furrowed in realization. "Oh, right. Now I'm actually alone. Great."
I sighed before starting to trudge down the mountain side. I was never really a 'sit tight and wait' kind of guy, not unless I was luring a certain sworn enemy into a trap, so standing there and doing nothing while Kammy did recon really didn't do much for me. As I made my journey downwards, being careful not to trip or make any loud noises, I decided to take in as much detail as I could. There was the already mentioned snowy landscape that sat all around me. It wasn't really anything special, I'd seen much more extravagant ice lands like a thousand times before.
This was kind of boring in comparison. Nothing fancy, just snow and rocks and dead plants coupled with bracing winds that carried even more snow on it's currents. There were no pure, clear as glass icicles hanging from platformed layers of rock and tundra, there were no gaps in the ground at random and implausible locations along the way with improbable bodies of freezing water and arctic piranha and squid creatures awaiting those unfortunate enough to jump a little too short and fall into a cold nightmare awaiting them.
There were no random yellow blocks spewed about the area, waiting to part with whatever treasure it held inside to the first person to smack it hard enough.
Perhaps the strangest of all was the obvious lack of giant, green tubes stick out of the ground to be used as a transport throughout the continent. It's funny how I found their absence as disturbing as I did, considering the no little amount of headaches they've helped cause me in over the years.
"What weird place is this?' I whispered my concern aloud, regarding everything around me with a new level of suspicion that I honestly don't think was warranted at the time, but became paranoid about all the same.
After what felt like hours of walking through thick layers of long-untouched snow fall down the mountain, I could spot the rapidly approaching figure of my adviser coming my way.
"Huh, she seems like she's in a hurry." I grunted to myself, wondering what news the witch had to bear.
"Lord Bowser!' she shouted from a distance away, her eyes wide with disbelief. " I have terrible news!"
"I shouldn't be surprised...I really shouldn't,' I sighed heavily, hanging my head in momentary exasperation as she floated to a halt nearby. " What did you find out, Kammy?"
"Oh, your dastardliness! It's something unthinkable! I never would have though it possible, but there's no other way to explain what I saw!" she exclaimed, flailing her arms about excitedly.
"Yes?" I pressed on.
"I've never heard of anything like it! Why, I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes!"
"Yes...?"
"I simply had to check if my glasses were clean, I was gobsmacked! Bamboozled! Shocked, even!"
"Yes?!"
"Oh, Lord Bowser, you'll never believe it! You--"
"I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT AS SOON AS I HEAR IT!!! NOW OUT WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!!!" I roared in very, very, very thin patience, a small gout of flame escaping my throat and illuminating the surrounding area ever so brightly.
"EEP! S-so s-sorry, my king, I suppose I got carried away... Eh heh...' Kammy prostrated herself before me, and only rose from her bow once it was clear that my anger wouldn't go away until she told me the razzafrazzing thing she needed to tell me!!
"And so?!"
"Oh, of course!' her expression became grave, as did her hushed tone. " My lord, we've been sent to another world!"
"What?! Are you sure?" I demanded. This was a big surprise!
Kammy nodded her head. " I'm sure of it, your highness! I saw the local inhabitants of that bizarre crystal kingdom, and I know for a fact that there are no such creatures anywhere on the planet we call home."
My gosh... this was a huge freaking bomb that was just laid on me! A whole new world? Like, a planet? Perhaps a dimension? I'm sure I've seen magic do a lot of things, but travel of that kind was almost unheard of! There were a few legends here and there, sure, but I've always wrote them off as just that and nothing more.
The shock of such news finally hit me in full, and knees collapsed underneath me. I fell onto my spikey butt with a loud impact, shaking the area once more with vibrations on a large scale.
"Holy cow..." I ran a claw through my hair, a self-soothing habit I've picked up lately. " There's just too much this could mean... So many implications, so many problems to pop up... Geez, I need a drink."
Kammy floated down to my side, and patted me on the shoulder to console me. "There there, your highness.' she said, awkwardly.
Right, can't let myself be shown to be anything but large and in charge in front of my minions.
"Whatever, this is nothing!' I sat up straight, feeling a fire in my belly besides the physical one. " No problem, we'll deal with this one step at a time, figure it out. Kammy, tell me more about these creatures!"
"Oh? Oh!" her tone made me turn a questioning look her way. " That's actually the biggest reason I was so worked up earlier, my liege. I might have accidentally stumbled into the throne room of the castle, and been noticed..."
Kammy is extremely lucky I don't shoot fire from my eyes, otherwise she'd be toast right now!
"What." I said.
Kammy squirmed under my glare and chuckled nervously. " Erm, yes, and it seems my presence was taken badly.' she trailed off as we could here the voices coming up the mountain trail. "They sent some guards to apprehend me for questioning, it would seem... erm..."
Before I could reply, I saw the guards in question come into view from around a boulder in the path. There were about a dozen of them, heavily armored and brandished deadly looking spears. They looked to be well-trained. They looked like they had lots of experience in combat. The looked like their was nothing they couldn't handle and they knew it.
They looked like miniature horses carved from crystal.
All except for the lead mini-horse, a white coated specimen with blue hair and a long, spiraled horn jutting from it's forehead.
I blinked incredulously at the band before me, unable to even think about making a move in light of the situation. I just...I couldn't... I had NOTHING for that one.
Luckily, they seemed recognize me for what I was and they all as a collective skidded to stop, their eyes wide in shock.
"A dragon!" one cried out.
"Hold!' the lead mini-horse ordered as he took note of suddenly how skittish his men were (at least, I assumed based on the tone of the voices I could hear.)
Amazing how short their panic lasted, for as soon their commander shouted that one word, the rest of the soldiers seemed to come to there senses. They got back into formation, no longer scared stupid, but cautious and wary.
The leader took a step forward, jabbing his horn in my direction. I noticed something interesting as he did, for his horn began to shimmer with a violet aura that practically tasted of a magically nature.
"Dragon, what are you doing this close to the Crystal Empire borders? You're in violation of our treaty!' he spoke loud and clear, his voice carrying a certain authority that I could respect. His eyes glanced behind me and I could see a flicker of recognition. "That's the creature that broke into the castle and tried to assassinate Princess Cadence. What relationship do you have with it?"
Noticing their commanding officer's now dangerous tone, the soldiers readied their spears and tensed up.
I turned to look at Kammy over my shoulder, raising an expectant eyebrow.
"I didn't try to assassinate anything!' she squawked desperately. " I just lost control of my broom and crashed through the window!"
The white mini-horse transferred his gaze from Kammy to me again.
"My name is Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard and Prince-Consort of the Crystal Empire,' he narrowed his eyes at me. " You are to answer my question immediately. And your answer better be quick and it better be good..."
The tension in the air was thick, not a single one of us moved a muscle in case we might set off the proverbial powder keg.
"O-oh, what a pickle we're in, my liege..." Kammy whispered from behind me. " I'm not much of a fighter... and it doesn't seem like there is any possible outcome of this conversation that won't lead to one. What do we do?"
I thought about it hard.
And I came to an answer incredibly fast, I'd have to say. Just a few minutes earlier, my mind was a jumble. I had no idea what I was going to do. Sure, I talked a big game in front of Kammy, but truthfully I was most likely gonna wing it. I was confused and didn't know where we were and or how we were going to get home. Or if we could even get home!
But in this short exchange with this new species that strangely spoke a language I understood, everything was made so clear. Everything! What kind of a loser couldn't see it before? Well, to heck with that malarky! It was so obvious, and even though I didn't realize it as quickly as I'd have hoped, I understood it now.
"Your audacity is disappointing..." I rumbled low in my throat, as I slowly rose to my feet, easily towering over each and everyone of those little ponies. The guards tensed even more, and I could see a flash of trepidation glide across Shining Armor's stare. " You dare speak to me that way? You've got no clue what you're messing with! I am Bowser, King of the Koopas and ruler of the Dark Lands!! I answer to no one but myself and I'll be DAMNED if I start now! Assassinations? Treaties? "Crystal Empire"? I don't know anything about those things, and quite frankly I really don't care to learn..."
The warrior before me's expression turned grim as his glare at me intensified. I laughed a deep, belly guffaw that thrummed through the air with malice. I grinned evilly at those in front of me, settling into a fighting stance with my arms spread out menacingly.
"However, I'd like for you to repeat something..."
I smirked at Shining Armor, impishly glee in my eyes.
"Did you mention something about a princess?"
