The Immortal's Existential Crisis

by Enigmatic Otaku

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2232

After Celestia's disappearance, Luna was left to rule Equestria on her own; a task she's more than capable of doing...right? Yeeeah--no, 'cause now she's working from nine to five in a doughnut shop...

After Celestia's disappearance, Luna was left to rule Equestria on her own; a task she's more than capable of doing...right?

Yeeeah--no, 'cause now she's working from nine to five in a doughnut shop...

Now with reading by TheCaptainSand - Scarlett Blade

Published 2015-09-30 12:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-30 12:00:02 UTC

Oh, it's cold? Well then it's iced coffee!

"Hey, my coffee's a little cold here!"

"I'll be right there!"

"I paid for six doughnuts, not four!"

"I'm sorry, please wait!"

"What kind of establishment is this?! I've been waiting for like ten minutes!"

"I'm doing everything I can! Please wait a little longer, sir!" Luna yelled, running frantically from one side of the store to the other, trying to satisfy all the less than pleased customers.

After finally serving all the patrons who had bothered to stay, Luna rested her head atop the counter beside the cash register, her ethereal mane constantly waving and shifting beneath its hairnet as she took a small break from the lunacy known as the lunch hour.

Burying her head in her hooves, Luna sighed dishearteningly, thinking back to how a princess such as herself had been reduced to working nine to five in a doughnut shop.

It all happened with her sister, Princess Celestia, disappearing a few months ago. There really was no warning, and thinking back, the last thing Luna recalled her sister saying to her was 'You take over'. After that, she sort of just...left; disappeared without so much as a note... At first, Luna assumed that she had left to take care of some important matter, but after a few days had passed and Celestia had yet to return, she began to worry. Not just for her sister, but for the new responsibilities that were suddenly thrusted upon her, seeing that she was the only one remaining of the original two monarchs.

A bit unnerved, yet undeterred, and not wanting to appear as a weak ruler, Luna ran the kingdom single-hoofedly, but didn't quite grasp how a modern Equestria ran, as her mindset was still adherent to the ways of a thousand years ago. This decision would ultimately become her downfall, as she would, within the course of a week, decimate the economy and inadvertently start a war with the griffons, all because she added a decimal in the wrong spot of a few documents and greeted the griffon ambassador with the royal Canterlot voice, sending him flying through a few windows. She might have also brought back an ancient law that permitted the use of dueling to the death to settle disputes, but hey, she was too busy at the time to deal with the two arguing foals who both claimed possession of a ball they had brought into the throne room.

With the economy in ruins, and ponies rioting across Equestria, as well as most of her guard quitting at their posts, Luna had reached out for help by sending a letter to Twilight, asking her to find her sister so she could fix all this. Thinking about it from her current point of view, she really should have just asked for Twilight's help instead, as she later disappeared as well.

Right when she was about to make a plea to Cadance for her assistance, Luna heard word of the griffon empire invading. At that point, Luna realized that her entire situation was hopeless, so, she made a decision. When the griffon vanguard eventually made it to Canterlot, they were a bit confused by the lack of opposition, confused even more when they found an empty throne.

So, ever since that day, the griffons had ruled Equestria, but, no one really complains, as their griffon overlords had restored things to the norm before Celestia's disappearance; it was the equivalent of a corner store going under new management, as nothing appeared to really change.

Luna, however, had been in the city since then, her identity withheld from those around her via a spell that alters one's perception of her, causing them to see her as either a unicorn or pegasus, and living off of the bits she made by selling her crown and regalia; she could have taken what bits remained in the royal treasury on her way out, but she believed that they belonged to the ponies of Equestria, and not hers to pilfer. Still, a small part of her wished that she had, as her money began to quickly dwindle, possibly due to all the hotels she was staying in.

Realizing that her financial situation was up the creek, Luna withheld her reservations and decided to search for a job. After all, she was a princess, the hardest job of all by her opinion...who wouldn't hire her?

Answer, no one. Luna's forged identity, which was her own name but with two N's, had no job history, no references, not even a birth certificate, so every firm she applied to had turned her down; some respectfully, others...laughed...

Downtrodden as she walked the streets, and worrying that she might soon end up living in a box, Luna had wandered into Pony Joe's doughnut shop, attracted by the sign outside advertising the special of the day. After taking a seat near the back so that nopony could see her shame, Luna was surprised when Joe had referred to her as 'Princess Luna' when he approached to take her order. Momentarily worried that the spell had worn off, Luna quickly calmed down when she recalled that the spell is ineffective against those who personally knew her. Joe was friends with Celestia, what with her being a regular to his establishment, and Luna, in turn, became friends with him soon after her banishment had ended, therefore making him immune to the spell's effects.

Glad that she still had a friend in the world, Luna couldn't help but break down into tears, which worried the stallion, prompting him to close early so he could console her. With her tears and snot dripping onto the table, Luna told him everything, of how she had failed Equestria and of her current, jobless situation.

Taking pity on the mare, Joe told her that he had been looking to hire somepony who would help him around the shop--a lie, of course, but there was no need for her to know--and that he was more than willing to give her the job. Seeing that she had no other options, Luna accepted, and was a bit surprised when he then offered to let her stay in his home; he practically lived in the shop, so he might as well let her use the place.

Ever so grateful for his kindness and generosity that would rival both Rarity and Fluttershy's, Luna had since then devoted herself to repaying him. However, repaying him came with a few hitches... Luna had spent a large majority of her immortal life as a ruler, so the sudden transition to working in a doughnut shop was a difficult adjustment for her, as she'd occasionally drop and spill things, back talk customers, the change she'd give would be far too low or far too much, she'd often forget to charge them, not remembering until right after they walked out the door, and, if today wasn't a clear indication, she'd stretch herself too thin during lunch hour; a dreaded of hour that she wished she banned back when she was in charge.

Her head still buried in her hooves, Luna was alerted to the sound of the bell above the door ringing, indicating that a costumer had just entered. Taking a deep sigh, Luna lifted her head, forcing up a smile so she could greet the new costumer.

"Hello, and welcome to Pony Joe's. Can I help...y-you..."

Luna was aghast, her eyes widened as she silently stared at who was standing before her.

"Luna? Is that you?" Celestia questioned, wearing a blue, flower printed shirt that had red stains on it, a pair of aviator glasses that were a little worse for wear, and parts of her ethereal mane were braided while other sections were a little disheveled.

Luna blinked a few times before responding, making sure that her sister wasn't some stress-induced hallucination.

"Yes, it's...it's me... Where...where have you been?" Her expression went from wary to enraged as she then stomped her hooves atop the counter as she yelled, "Where have you been?! Do you have any idea what I have been through?!"

After recovering from the sudden raise in volume, Celestia calmly gave her reply.

"Where have I been? Well uh..." Outstretching her wing, she began to count the events out with her feather tips. "Let's see... Had Discord materialize a sports car, picked up a very sexy buck, then picked up Twilight--"

"Picked up Twilight?!" Luna yelled.

Despite the interruption, Celestia continued.

"Then we went to Pegas where we hit the tables--they were going by this weird thing where they wouldn't accept bits 'cause of some economy thing, so I kinda placed the buck on table and bet on black; Twilight was kinda being a buzz kill that entire time--lost, then kinda had to go through this whole thing where Twilight and I had to get him back from the casino owner." Celestia smiled a toothy grin. "Heh, it was crazy! There were explosions, magical missiles were being shot around, and there was this big cart on car chase as we fled the mafia, who turned out to be using the casino as a front! It was all actiony and fun! Man I had a good time! I'm not sure, but I think I might have gotten married to somepony! I mean, there was a priest and all, but things were a little hectic at the time, so I'm not entirely positive!"

"Oh, I see..." Luna said, her tone filled with venom and expression furious as she tapped the counter with her hoof. "So it's ok for you to abandon all of your duties on myself, then return for me at your own leisure after you've had your fun?"

"Return for you?" Celestia repeated, tilting her head curiously. Honestly, she just came here for a doughnut; she had no idea Luna was here. "Why um, y-yes! Yes, I'm here for you!" Gesturing her head towards the door, Celestia then said, "Come now, Luna! Escape with me into the uh...n--" she raised her glasses, "day! Just uh, make sure to bring a few of those doughnuts with you."

Luna angrily shook her head. "We're not going anywhere except towards the castle. We're taking our kingdom back!"

Celestia couldn't help but release a throaty chuckle. "Pfft, fat chance of that happening." Turning back to her sister with a roll of her eyes, Celestia continued with, "In case you haven't noticed, Luna, Equestria is doing just fine without us. Heck, the unicorns have been using their magic to move the sun and moon without us, just like the days of old!"

"Actually," Luna added, appearing to shrink a bit behind the counter, "that was me... I've been moving them both this entire time..."

"Seriously?" Celestia said, pulling her head back in surprise. "I did that for like, a thousand years, so I know how tough that can be!"

"Tell me about it..." Luna replied, placing a hoof to her forehead. "It's been quite strenuous..."

"Huh," Celestia sounded, silently giving her sister mad props. "Still, I'm serious, run off with me."

"Why do you wish to run away?" Luna asked. "We've done great things under our rule; surely you'd return."

"Hmm," Celestia sounded before sighing. "Alright Luna, let me answer your question with another question." Approaching the counter, Celestia leaned over it as she then whispered into her sister's ear, "In all of our millenniums ruling, were you truly happy? Did you have...fun?"

A bit off put and confused by that question, Luna merely watched as Celestia walked over to the door.

"Hit me up once you've made your decision," Celestia said, raising her glasses to give her sister a quick wink, then opened the door, causing the bell to once again ring as she made towards a dilapidated sports car outside by the curb that had its red paint scratched off in several sections, windshield cracked, one of it's headlights shattered, rear bumper hanging loosely, was riddled in what looked like bullet holes, and had one of it's side doors missing.

Hmm, what a silly question, Luna thought as she watched her sister get into the car. Of course I had fun... Didn't I...?

Her thoughts were intuerupted by the loud roar of the car's engine starting.

On second thought, I always did hate paperwork...

Twilight had been through alot these rough few months, trying, and failing, to convince Princess Celes--excuse her, Celly to return home. Blood was spilt, tears were shed, curses were exchanged, and, she's not entirely sure, but she might have gotten married to somepony--all for naught, as Celly just drove off in her fancy red carriage without her after they had saved Big Mac from the Las Pegas' mafia's servitude. After dropping the red stallion at his home, and apologizing profusely to him for the events, Twilight was now walking through the town, heading home as she witnessed her crystalline castle nearing in the distance.

Finally making it to her front doors, Twilight was about to enter, but stopped when a filly had passed by, tossing the latest edition of the newspaper towards her.

Catching it with her magic, Twilight removed the band keeping it rolled, unraveled it, then couldn't help but groan when she read the headline.

Sun and Moon now out of orbit. Tides rise as summers become even more sweltering.