The Problem with Potions

“It’s not a bad idea, Apple Bloom, but where are we going to find a trapeze?”

“It’s not a good idea either… I don’t think I want to jump through flaming hoops.”

“Awwwww, c’mon girls! It’ll be fun! Cutie Mark Crusaders Three-Ring Circus!” Apple Bloom raised her foreleg for a high-hoof… and pouted when the other two left her hanging. She grumped and sat heavily on the floor of their clubhouse. “Well, we have to think of something, you know.”

“Flaming. Hoops.” Scootaloo flatly stated, her eyes narrow. “You want me to jump through flaming hoops.” She crossed her forelimbs over her chest, looking petulant.

“Well… You would land in that tub of cold peach jelly, so that would help if you get singed…” Sweetie Belle offered with a helpful smile. “It might be fun!”

“Did she tell you you’ll be trapezing without a net? Or a trapeze?” Scootaloo retorted, squinting at Sweetie Belle.

“Sounds like you’re chicken to me,” Sweetie Belle shot back, sticking her tongue out. “Chicken, chick-chick-chickeeeen!”

Before Scootaloo could say what she thought of that, there was a loud knock at the door. Apple Bloom waved to hush the other two as she dashed to the door, peering between a crack in the planks to see who it was. The other two crowded in behind her, peering as well. “Halt! Who goes there!” Apple Bloom demanded of the visitor.

“You know darn well who it is, Apple Bloom!” said the pony outside the door. Apple Bloom could see orange fur, a blonde mane, a battered hat…

“That’s Applejack,” Sweetie Belle whispered, her eye pressed close to a knothole.

“It could be an imposter!” Scootaloo hissed. “Better safe than sorry!”

Apple Bloom nodded in agreement with the pegasus. “Alright. If you’re really Applejack… What’s the secret password?” she asked in a suspicious tone.

“I’ve got fresh apple fritters!” came the reply.

“That’s not the password!” Sweetie Belle cried in alarm.

“Eh, close enough for me,” replied Scootaloo, her wings buzzing. “Might as well let her in. If she’s a spy, we’ll just take her prisoner!”

Applejack trotted in through the opened door, a wicker basket clasped between her teeth. From within came the scent of fresh-fried apple fritters, making the mouths of all three fillies water. “Thought you girls might want a snack, so I fixed these up for y’all,” she said, setting the basket down on the crate they used as a planning table. “Oh, what’s this? Peach Jelly? Heh…” she turned to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. “You know when Apple Bloom was real little, we couldn’t keep her out of our apple jelly…”

“Applejack…” interrupted Apple Bloom.

“No sir! “ continued Applejack, oblivious to her sister’s glare. “She’d crawl in the pantry and crack all them jars open and-“

“Applejack!” cried Apple Bloom looking between her sister and her two friends. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were busy listening to Applejack.

“- Smear herself in the stuff. And she’d go, ‘look appajack, I’mma appa pie!’” By now Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were quietly giggling, as much from the story as Applejack’s baby-voice. “Course, she stopped doing that after the ants came and got in-“

“OKAY! Thanks fer comin’ over Applejack, but I’m sure yer busy, so we won’t keep you, bye-bye!” Apple Bloom growled, butting her sister’s rump and slowly pushing her out the door as her two friends collapsed in laughter behind her.

“Oh, well, alright,” replied Applejack as she was urged out the door, acting as though she had no idea about Apple Bloom’s embarrassment. “Y’all feel free to stay fer dinner, kay?” Applejack winced when her sister slammed the door shut, then laughed to herself as she trotted down the ramp to get back to work.

“I can’t believe her,” Apple Bloom panted. “You two have NO idea what it’s like!”

“Muh fifter make me wear giant hatf, Appabwoom,” Sweetie Belle mumbled around a mouthful of apple fritter, before gulping it down. “And if I don’t scrub under my hooves, she complains so loud thar I think the neighbors hear about it.” She sighed dramatically, as her sister might. “Darling, just look at these hooves! They’re so grungy and dirty! You go wash them right now, do you hear me? Right-this-very-instant!”

Scootaloo looked at Apple Bloom and shrugged. “Hey, I’m an only foal. I have no idea what it’s like to have my sister tell my friends my most embarrassing secrets,” she grinned teasingly at Apple Bloom, who only pouted in return. “Hey, Sweetie Belle, save some for us!”

“What? They’re good!” Sweetie Belle took another bite from a second fritter, chewing happily
.

“Your butt’s going to get big,” warned Scootaloo, reaching for one of the treats herself.

“Maybe I’d rather have a big butt, than a skinny little butt like yours!” snapped Sweetie Belle playfully, sticking out her crumb-covered tongue.

“What?!” yelped Scootaloo, dropping her fritter.

“Chicken-butt,” Sweetie Belle replied with a smug little smile.

Scootaloo had to admit she walked into that one. She scowled and grumbled, “I’ll show you chicken butt! Give me some of those!” She reached to snatch a few more fritters.

“She just doesn’t get it,” complained Apple Bloom. “One time, she showed up at school on my birthday and showed everypony my baby pictures so they could see how big I’ve gotten!” She paced back and forth near the window, heaving a heavy sigh. “An’ I ain’t even gotten that big, so that made it even worse!”

“Oof, ow! Hey, that one’s mine!”

“Nuh uh! I was eating it first!”

“Gimme! You’ve had enough”

“No! They’re too delicious!”

“I mean, I know she means well, but it’s like every day she has some sort of new way to embarrass me,” continued Apple Bloom, utterly oblivious to the chaos mounting behind her. “I’ve tried talking to her, and she just tells me how proud she is about how much I’ve grown!” A crust of fritter sailed behind her head and thunked against the wall as she paced.

“I do not have a skinny butt!”

“You do too! Just look at it!”

“Why are you even looking?!”

“Mah fritter, noff yursh! Yom nom nom!”

“Hey! Give that… ewww, nevermind, you can keep it.”

“I dunno, girls... What do you think I should do to get Applejack to understand?” Apple Bloom sighed heavily and turned towards her friends, blinking in confusion. “Uh… Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle… what in tarnation’re you two doin’?”

The basket of fritters was empty, and nearly crushed. Crumbs littered the two fillies, who were glaring daggers at each other even as they tried to cram the final bits of the treats into their mouths.

“Duh. Winning!” mumbled Scootaloo around her overstuffed mouth.

“Nuh uh!” Sweetie Belle tried to say more, but couldn’t.

Apple Bloom just looked at the ruins of their snack with a mounting horror. “You… didn’t save any for me!” she pointed an accusing hoof at her friends.

Somehow, Sweetie Belle managed to gulp down what she had. “Of course we did, Apple Bloom, we’re not mean!” So saying, she unveiled two fritters still wrapped in the cloth that had covered the basket. And then… “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!” Sweetie Belle’s eyes went huge and her face flushed scarlet as her burp shook the clubhouse and scattered birds for miles around.

“Way to go, Sweetie Belch!” Scootaloo laughed, clopping her hooves together.

“Shuddup Scootaloo,” mumbled a mortified Sweetie Belle, hiding her mouth behind a hoof.

“What, that was awesome! I’ll bet they heard that one all the way to FIllyde-HELF-ia,” Scootaloo suddenly looked startled, hooves going to her own mouth. “What just HAP-happened?! HUCK! HUCK!”

Apple Bloom, who had so recently been pouting about her own embarrassment, fell down to the floor in a gale of laughter. “Serves both of y’all right! Eating all those fritters!” She lifted one of the two remaining treats, and nibbled with exaggerated daintiness.

“Ooooh… I think I’ll pass on dinner,” Sweetie Belle moaned uncomfortably, smacking her lips.

“Not me! I’m st-HILL a little HUNK-hungry,” Scootaloo winced with each hiccup, rubbing her hooves over her belly. “Ugh. Maybe on s-HECK-ond tho-HOT…”

Apple bloom continued her ladylike nibbling. “You keep on hiccupping like that and you’d just choke on something anyway, Scootaloo. “ Her eyes widened. “Hold on… I’ve got it!” She swallowed, setting the treat down. “Scootaloo, you want to get rid of those hiccups, right?

“Wha-HUT gave you that idea-HAH? “ Scootaloo replied sarcastically, followed with a groan.

“Right! So here’s our new plan… Cutie Mark Crusaders Hiccup Curifiers!” Apple Bloom exclaimed with a big grin.

“Uh, Apple Bloom, I don’t think ‘curifiers’ is a word…” Sweetie Belle added uncertainly. After a moment she and Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo expectantly.

“Hic-KUPS first, catchphrases La-HAY-ter, kay?” Scootaloo lifted her foreleg to join the other two in their high hoof. “HURKT!”

“Are you sure that drin-HINK-ing water like this will cure my HICK-cups, Sweetie Belle?” asked Scootaloo uncertainly. Apple Bloom was holding her hind hooves as she did a handstand, causing her unruly magenta mane brushing the clubhouse floor.

“It couldn’t hurt!” the other filly said cheerfully, before offering the glass of water to Scootaloo. The pegasus took a swallow, just in time for an awkward “HNURK!” noise. Scootaloo’s eyes bugged out just a second before she started coughing and sputtering, the water coming from her noise.

“EWWWWWWWWW!” shrieked Sweetie Belle, galloping away. Scootaloo’s head thumped the boards of the clubhouse floor as Apple Bloom let go, laughing.

“Not-HOT funny, guys.” Scootaloo grumbled sourly, coughing and rubbing her head.

“Yeah it was!” giggled Apple Bloom.

“Eating su-HUG-ar?” Scootaloo looked at Pinkie Pie uncertainly. “How is that sup-HOH-sed to help?” She groaned again, rubbing her stomach.

“I dunno, but it always works for me!” Pinkie replied cheerfully, setting a small bowl of sugar and a spoon in front of the pegasus.

“Go on Scootaloo, give it a try,” encouraged Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, it couldn’t hurt!” added Sweetie Belle.

“Well, HUCKT, all right…” Scootaloo lifted a spoon of sugar to her mouth and popped it in. She swished a bit to dissolve the grains, and then swallowed.

“Did it work?” Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Pinkie all leaned forward expectantly, waiting to see if the cure passed muster.

“Hey… you know what, I think it did! I don’t need to HURKT! HURKT! HURP!” Scootaloo’s hooves flew to her mouth as a sudden wave of hiccups shook her little body.

“Awwww….” The other three moaned in unison, disappointed.

“Wait… May-HAY-be, I need to give it another try…” Scootaloo grinned, and took another spoonful of sugar… then another… and another…

“HUCK-how the HECK is scaring me going to HICK-help me out? I don’t think-HNK you two can scare me- HEEK. I don’t scare easily, you HUCK know! Besides, I’ll know-HUCK that it’s you two HOOK, and you aren’t scary HUCK at all!” Scootaloo blathered and hiccupped as she trotted in figures-eight around her two friends, wings buzzing. “So what are you going to do, dress up as gho-HO-sts? Jump out of HUCK a bush at me? Tell me Pinkie Pie is the new HUPP princess? C’mon guys, what’s-“ She was silenced by Apple Bloom’s hoof. Well, except for the hiccups that came unbidden.

“I’m not sure the sugar was a good idea,” Sweetie Belle noted, even as Scootaloo started to try to jabber around Apple Bloom’s hoof.

“Ya got a point there, Sweetie Belle. I guess we can’t leave her in the woods for the weasels like we were gonna do. She might wander off or somethin’."

“Weevils?” Scootaloo blinked, her voice muffled by the hoof, before she pushed Apple Bloom’s limb away. “You guys weren’t seriously going to leave me for weasels! HahahahaHUCKhahaha, you’re both funny. Weasels, that’s great, BLARGH, fear HUCK me, I’m a WEASEL!” She rose up on her hind hooves and staggered towards Apple Bloom, making snarly noises.

“I think she needs professional help,” sighed Sweetie Belle.

“You just now thought of that?!” remarked Apple Bloom dryly, just before being attacked by ‘Scootaweasel.’ "WAUGH! Get offa me!"

Back at the clubhouse, the three fillies sat in quiet dejection. Well, quiet except for the constant hiccupping. “Who’da thought Twilight’s magic would backfire like that?” sighed Apple Bloom.

“Spike’s really cute when he hiccups, though,” giggled Sweetie Belle.

“I suggested he try HUCK some sugar. I’m HURK sure it’ll work, even-HENT-ually.” Scootaloo smacked her lips, then sighed. “The-HEEZ hiccups are lasting HURKT forever! “

“We tried everything, and you’re still hiccing and hupping all over the place. No cutie marks, either,” Apple Bloom pouted, turning to look at her own flank. “Oh well, what would a hiccup curifier cutie mark even look like?”

“Well,” began Sweetie Belle. “Maybe we didn’t try everything.…” she rubbed her chin, peering up to the ceiling thoughtfully.

“What-HUT do you mean, Sweetie B-HELK?”

“What about Zecora?” the unicorn filly asked Apple Bloom, a big smile forming on her face.

Apple Bloom’s jaw dropped, and he planted her face against a hoof. “UGH! Of course! How could I have forgotten? Zecora showed me a potion to cure hiccups a few months ago!” She beamed, but her face fell when she saw the looks her friends were giving her. “Uh… what’s the matter, girls?”

“Weasels?” asked Scootaloo flatly. “Huckt!” she added for emphasis.

“Scoota-goo?” Sweetie Belle muttered with a disgusted tone.

“Heh… well… Okay, so they weren’t the best ideas. I just forgot. But this time, I’ve got it fer-sure-and-for-true! Scootaloo, prepare to say goodbye to yer hiccups! I just gotta get some things.” With that, Apple Bloom dashed out the door, leaving the other two to give each other puzzled looks.

A little while later, Apple Bloom had set up her workplace in the clubhouse, an assortment of ingredients around her. “Hmmm, let me see…” she mumbled, tapping a hoof to her chin. “I may have to improvise a li’l bit. One part season’s first snow…” she sifted some powdered sugar into the pitcher. “Two parts sunlight’s kiss… I guess this’ll do,” she poured in two cups of orange juice. “Add a dash of hyssop, burdock, and buttercup petals…” a hefty clump of assorted weeds was tossed into the mix. “Then stir with a unicorn’s magic. Hrm…” She looked at Sweetie Belle.

“I can’t do magic yet!” the filly protested with a squeak.

“Aww man, are you sure-HURK about this HICK, Apple Bloom?” Scootaloo eyed the sugary weed-and-orange concoction warily. “You know what happened last time you made a potion.”

“Yeah, but that was a magic potion! This is just, yanno, herbs and stuff! And don’ call me a hick, ain’t nice.” She turned to her other friend, amber eyes gleaming with inspiration. “Sweetie Belle, I have an idea!”

Scant moments later, the unicorn filly was dressed in a black cape and top hat, leftovers from one of their many attempts to gain their cutie marks. “Uh, I’m not sure this is right…” she waggled a white-tipped wand in the air. “Abracadabra, hocus pocus, uh, locomotion, let’s make this potion!” She tapped the wand on the rim of the pitcher, causing a dusting of glitter to fall from it into the mix. Then she stuck the wand into the mixture and stirred with vigor. Before their eyes, the mess went from a murky orange… to a clear, vibrant blue.

“Woah. I can’t believe that actually worked,” Apple Bloom quipped. “Uh, I mean, look! I told you it would work!” She waved her hooves towards the mix, seeing Scootaloo’s worried glower.

“What-HUTT-ever. Just give me some-HUMM.” The Pegasus sighed, rubbing her sore tummy and sitting at the crate they used as a table. Sweetie Belle tipped the pitcher, pouring the sparkling blue concoction into a punch glass.

“Now, remember, Scootaloo, the trick is to sip… it…” Apple Bloom trailed off when her friend slammed the whole glass down in a single gulp. “Or I guess you could do it like that, sure.”

Scootaloo cringed. The taste was somewhere between lawn clippings, grandma’s bourbon sour candies, and the holes of a bowling ball. And then she felt the potion take effect, a warm weight settling in her belly. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle leaned in expectantly, watching their blank-faced friend. Scootaloo’s lips parted… and a single pink bubble floated out, making a quiet ‘hic!’ noise when it popped.

“Yes!” Apple Bloom hoof-pumped. “It worked! I told you it would work! How do you feel, Scootaloo? Uh… Scootaloo?” She blinked at her friend, who simply sat silent with wide eyes and a surprised look on her face. Sweetie Belle chewed her lip and leaned over, waving a hoof in front of Scootaloo’s eyes.

“I’ve… gotta go.” Scootaloo finally said, after a long (and mercifully hiccup-free) pause.

“It’s out back, you know,” replied Sweetie Belle, always ready to be helpful.

“No, I mean, I’ll see you guys later. Thanks for helping me out, I owe you guys one!” Scootaloo responded, heading for the door.

“But I thought you said you were gonna stay fer din… ner… Oh,” Apple Bloom started, but Scootaloo had already slipped out. She looked at Sweetie Belle. “Well, what do you think got into her?”

“When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go!” chirped the unicorn, with an oblivious shrug

In the woods outside the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse, Scootaloo leaned back against a tree and panted. Part of it was that she was sore from hiccupping all day. The other part was fear and confusion. “Oh man… This can’t be right. No way…” She caught her breath and shook her head. Scootaloo knew she shouldn’t have trusted Apple Bloom’s potion! But these side effects were so totally unexpected, and so unsettling…

“Well, only one way to be sure, Scootaloo,” she encouraged herself. Taking a deep breath, she reached down with her forehooves, and gasped at what she found.

“I’m a boy?!”