Decapitating Harmony

Envoy had just cleaned up the coffee from the floor when Fluttershy and Applejack invited themselves into the cabin. Fluttershy eyed Envoy's brew of coffee and turned to ask if she could have some, but she noticed that it appeared that Envoy had been crying and remained mute.

Applejack wasn't as observant, "Y'all mind if I get me some of this coffee? It's been a hell of a couple of days."

"Have at it." Envoy said, "Pinkie told me yesterday that she would go to her parent's house this morning for an interview on Trixie's previous employment there."

Fluttershy interrupted, "Are you alright?"

Envoy gave a pained smile, "I'm fine, Fluttershy." She said, and went back to speaking to both of them, "Now that we're looking for somepony specific, we can take a more targeted approach to witnesses and interviews..." Envoy trailed off while Fluttershy slowly closed the gap between them and gave her a hug.

"Did Scroot hurt your feelings?" Fluttershy asked, her voice was soft and sincere.

"Every once in a while, he gets to me. Today was one of those days. I’ll just pretend that it didn't happen." Envoy explained, and then, just as she opened her mouth to continue about the case, Fluttershy clutched her tighter.

"It's okay if you want to talk about it. That's what friends are for." Fluttershy said.

Applejack smacked her lips, "That's damn good coffee." She said to herself.

"Are either of you listening to me?" Envoy asked while pushing Fluttershy off of her.

“I'm listenin', Sugarcube. Maybe we can go to Colgate's office and match the teeth. Does that help?” Applejack said before taking another sip of coffee.

“That's a start, but I'm thinking interviewing witnesses specifically.” Envoy said. The sound of distant hoof-beats suddenly struck her ear. She looked at the front door and listened to them approaching the house.

“What about those two colts that fawned over Trixie?” Fluttershy asked.

Pinkie galloped up the steps and ran into the house. She panted hard and was unable to get out a single word. A sheen of sweat dripped from her face. She took a deep breath to speak, but collapsed onto the floor in front of the main desk.

“Are you okay, Pinkie?” Fluttershy called in a panic. She flew over the desk and landed at Pinkie's side.

“I'm...” Pinkie gasped, “Good...”

“What happened?” Applejack asked while putting her mug on the table and moving to Pinkie's other side.

“I... went and talked... to my parents.” Pinkie panted.

“And?” Envoy said.

“Trixie threatened them.” Pinkie cried. “They won't listen to me.” She took a breath, “They don't want to be protected.”

Envoy nodded, “So, what are you going to do?”

“Maybe you can talk to them?” Pinkie said.

“No, we need to talk to those colts. We won't need to relocate them if we find Trixie.” Envoy explained. She tried her best to sound reasonable.

“Colts? Trixie's little friends?” Pinkie asked as if a lightbulb went off above her head, “Snips and Snails! Envoy, you're a genius!”

Fluttershy raised a hoof, “That was actually-”

“Let's go to the Schoolhouse and interrogate the little bastards!” Pinkie declared with a second wind.

Before Envoy could protest that the girls come with her, Pinkie was out the door and galloping hard for the school. Envoy, Applejack, and Fluttershy were close behind as they did their best to follow the surprisingly athletic Pinkie. Envoy's words for her to stop were thrown in the wind and either unheard by Pinkie or ignored.

* * *

They had become deaf to the muffled clicking and clacking of the train’s wheels against the rail ties. Rarity had not said anything, and neither had Scroot, as she waited on him to break the ice. She figured an investigator with the experiences and wisdom that he had would enjoy talking about it, but she found that he appeared to enjoy the silence. Their bodies rhythmically swayed next to each other slightly as the train bounced between the tracks against the nearly imperceptibly uneven rails.

Rarity finally said something, “Are you okay, Scroot?”

He sighed and nodded slowly, “Trains just make me nervous, and I left my smokes at home.”

“We could’ve gotten in a smoking coach if you had preferred.” Rarity sympathized.

“You wanted first class.” He said simply. “I’m okay with that. We’ll be in Canterlot in a bit. It’s really not a big deal.”

Rarity smiled at him, “You really are sweet.”

He peered at her without moving, “What? Two days ago, you said that I was incapable of being considerate.”

“You’re a bit rough around the edges, but I can see you have a heart.” Rarity said as she rested a hoof on his. She wasn’t trying to be comforting or apologetic. She was, more or less, testing him to see how he would react to her touch. He didn’t shoo her hoof away nor did he move himself away from her. He just allowed her to touch him.

He smiled and looked at her, “Everypony has a heart, Rarity, and I’m not referring anatomically.”

“Not like yours, Scroot. Yours is one softened by the experience and ache of aged wisdom.” She slowly slid her hoof over his and allowed their forelegs to cross over one another.

He didn’t say anything, but he wore a warm smile.

“Can I ask you a question?” Rarity asked.

“Sure.” Scroot said and he absent-mindedly toyed with the fine hair at the end of her hoof.

She gave pause because she wasn’t certain that her question would go over well, but she muscled past her apprehension and continued, “Have you dated since your wife passed?”

“No.” He said with a light chuckle. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, honey, but I don’t get along very well with other ponies. My wife just fell onto my back all of those years ago, and I decided to keep her around.”

“You haven’t even tried since then?” Rarity asked with a raised brow.

He shook his head. “I didn’t try before her either. Like I said, she barged into my life, was convinced that I was the one, and she chased me.”

“So, you don’t date?” She removed her hoof and put it back to her lap with disappointment.

He studied her face as she looked away, “Rarity, what are you getting at?”

She glanced at him, but couldn’t maintain eye contact in her embarrassment, “I like you, Scroot. I don’t know why, but I find your vulgarity to be strangely charming. You’re seasoned, you’re honest, and your weathered appearance works for you.”

He cocked his head, “Thanks?”

She laughed and fell onto him, “That’s a good thing.”

Scroot accepted her collapse and held them upright while wrapping a hoof around her. They smiled to each other for a moment with Scroot’s expressive eyes displaying his flattery.

“Sweetie, I like you, too.” He said.

She wanted a reason, but she didn’t want to ruin the moment with a stupid question like, “Why do you like me?” So, she simply rested against him and enjoyed herself in his strong embrace.

“Applejack said she thinks of me as an enemy because of Rainbow. I assume you don’t feel the same way.” He said softly.

She pressed onto his chest to pick herself up, “At first, I was angry at you, yes, but I realize that you were simply mistaken and mistakes happen during the course of investigations, I’m sure.”

He nodded, “If it makes you feel better, I do feel bad for having her arrested.”

“You don’t have to console me.” She said with a smile as she returned to her own seat, “Applejack is much like you in that she has an unfiltered honesty, although you are much more profane.”

The train attendant announced their arrival in Canterlot while a light pull affected the passengers as the train came to a halt in the station. “I'll try to be better than that, Rarity; for you.” Scroot said as he led Rarity off the train car, and they made their way to the arrival terminal.

Taxis lined the cobblestone streets just outside the main entrance of the Canterlot train terminal. The old white buildings that stippled the mountainside held the image of the city’s pristine royal importance and never failed to take Rarity’s breath away.

They approached a taxi coach, and Scroot asked the driver, “Are you accepting fares?”

The brown earth pony nodded with too much enthusiasm, “Yes, sir, where can I take you this fine afternoon?!”

“The castle.” Scroot growled. The driver’s ridiculously bright smile was infuriating for some reason. Scroot didn’t figure that anypony could be this happy about pulling jackass tourists around all day. I seriously need a cigarette, he thought.

Rarity nudged Scroot, “Be nice.” She whispered.

Scroot took a deep breath and nodded, “Can you take us to the castle, sir?”

The driver spoke as if he was a crier on a street corner which was irritating as fuck, “Absolutely sir, and milady. I’ll have you there as fast as I can!”

Scroot and Rarity climbed into the cart and the driver began toward the castle over the rough cobblestone road. The shock absorbers on the coach were certainly put to the test, but it was a surprisingly smooth ride. Rarity chattered about her aspirations in the fashion industry, and Scroot simply listened and enjoyed her company while combating his continuously growing anxiety of being without his smokes.

As the coach stopped at the front gate of the castle, the driver declared, “Thank you for your patronage, sir. We hope you ride with us again!”

Rarity took the payment from her clutch and levitated them to the driver, “Thank you, sir.”

The driver nodded and said, “If you take a left down the path right before you get to the guard shack, the gift shop is in that building next to the fountain.”

“You’re an idiot.” Scroot said flatly. Rarity gave Scroot a scolding raised brow, and he cleared his throat before continuing, “...sir.” and Scroot set off in a canter toward the guard shack.

Rarity apologized for Scroot and hastily followed him to the small outpost where a unicorn royal guard read a magazine behind a marble desk. The pegasus guard in the rear corner bounced a red rubber ball off the concrete wall by slapping it back and forth with his right hoof. The consistent pounding was immediately offensive to Scroot’s ears, but Rarity didn’t seem to notice.

“Investigators to see the Princess.” Scroot said and he placed his P.I. identification on the desk while watching the pegasus continue his obnoxious passing of time.

“Do you have an appointment?” The unicorn guard asked without looking up.

“No, but it’s important.” Scroot said. He felt like he had to talk over the light squeak emitted by the ball as it collided against the wall and against the pegasus’ hoof.

“Likely story.” The unicorn answered. “How about I take a message, and we’ll get back to you?”

“Hey.” Scroot called to the pegasus. “Knock it off for a second.”

The pegasus didn’t look away from the ball as he tracked it and hit it again, “You’ll be alright.”

Rarity said, “Please, sir. We have an important matter that we are trying to work out.”

“So?” The pegasus shrugged and bounced the ball again.

Scroot cocked his head and furrowed his brow, “So, I’ll bounce your head off that wall if you don’t quit.”

The pegasus snatched the ball out of the air with his forelegs, shot a deadly glare at Scroot, and gave a sinister smile, “You should be careful with threats like that. I’d pick you up and beat somepony else’s ass with your head.”

Rarity put a hoof on Scroot’s shoulder and whispered, “Applejack is half his size, and she beat you up. Just let him bounce his ball.”

“I need to speak with the Princess, right now.” Scroot said firmly.

The pegasus laughed sardonically, “And she wants to see you, of all ponies, today?”

“Trust me. She does.” Scroot assured. “Tell her these exact words.”

* * *

The schoolhouse was a small building with a single classroom. It was a red clapboard structure with white supports, a bell inside the spire on the roof, and the property was surrounded by a rustic white-washed fence. The gravel drive that led to the front door was beaten hard by Pinkie’s hooves as she galloped past the school’s flagpole.

Envoy was close behind and she used every bit of strength she had to leap forward, grab a mouthful of Pinkie's tail, and pull them both to a stop. They fell onto their bellies, and Applejack stopped next to them.

“Wait a minute, Pinkie!” Envoy panted through the hair of Pinkie's tail.

“What are we waiting for? We ask them where she went. If they say they don't know, we make them give us answers!” Pinkie said as she stood.

“No, they're colts. This has to be done carefully, and believe it or not, Scroot is actually very good at this kind of thing. We need to get him.” Envoy said as she released Pinkie's tail.

“Where is he, then?” Applejack asked while nudging Envoy to her hooves.

“He probably went to Canterlot without me.” Envoy said. “They're not going anywhere; there's no reason why we have to do this right now.”

Pinkie shook her head and began shouting, “Are your parents' lives hanging in the balance?!”

“My parents are dead.” Envoy said matter-of-factly.

“Join the club.” Applejack interjected snidely. “Envoy, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to. But if you ain't, we're goin' without you.”

Envoy drew in a deep breath and began to understand what Scroot felt like when he wasn't getting his way, and she reluctantly nodded.

A deep pink mare with light pink and rose colored mane poked her head out of the school's front door, “Excuse me, but our class is in session, and you're distracting my students.”

Pinkie took a breath, but was quickly shushed by Envoy.

“Ma'am,” Envoy began as she approached the teacher, “I'm Majesty Envoy with Investigator Whinny's office.”

“That curmudgeon?” The teacher asked with disgust.

“I said the same thing, Ms. Cheerilee.” Applejack nodded.

Envoy levitated her badge from her breast pocket, “Unfortunately, our investigation has led us here, and we need to speak with a pair of your students.”

“What's this about?” Cheerilee asked, “Is it about Twilight?”

“Yes.” Envoy answered simply.

Cheerilee blew air, and started to decline as she would rather have the colt’s parents present for questioning, but figured that the gravity of the situation should grant the investigator access to the minors. She nodded, went into the school, and returned with two colts. The tall orange one with the greenish-blue mane was protesting while the short, chubby blue one with orange mane simply hung his head in shame as they exited the school.

Cheerilee gently pushed the Schoolhouse door closed, much to the dismay of the class-mates, “They’re not in any trouble, are they?” She asked while sternly glaring at the colts.

“No, ma’am.” Envoy said, “We just want to ask them a few questions.”

“Alright, then. Go ahead.” Cheerilee nodded again to the investigator.

“Come on, AJ.” Snips pleaded. “We didn’t do anything. Honest!”

“Yeah, we put the carrots back!” Snails said.

Applejack gave them a hard look, “Just you listen to Ms. Envoy here and answer her questions, understood?”

“Okay.” The colts said in unison.

Envoy stopped in front of the two unicorn colts, “You’re Snips and Snails?”

They nodded shamefully, believing that they were still in trouble.

Envoy lowered her head to the young ponies’ level. She had never questioned anypony on her own before, so she tried to follow Scroot’s lead, “How are you guys doing?”

They exchanged a look before simultaneously answering, “Scared.”

“Don’t be. We’re just going to ask you some questions about somepony you know.” Envoy answered in a soft voice.

They nodded.

“Do you colts know who Trixie is?” Envoy asked while giving a notepad to Pinkie Pie.

“The great and powerful?” Snips asked.

Applejack winced, “Great and Powerful.” She scoffed under her breath.

Envoy split her face in a forced grin, “The one and only.”

Snails spoke up with his throaty, slow voice, “Oh, we don’t know The One and Only Trixie. We only know The Great and Powerful Trixie.”

“Funny all these ponies would start copying her.” Snips noted.

“All these ponies?” Envoy repeated with a raised brow.

“Well, that’s only the second one we heard of.” Snails said.

“Who’s the first?” Envoy asked. Pinkie Pie watched the questioning and remained poised to jot down information.

Snips shrugged, “We thought we were following Trixie to see some amazing magic, but it turned out that that it wasn’t her. She wasn’t great or powerful.”

“What made you think she was Trixie?” Envoy pressed.

“She looked like her except her mane was black.” Snips explained. “We figured she dyed her mane for a magic show or something.”

“And she wasn’t wearing a hat either.” Snails added.

“So, why do you say this pony was a copyist? Just because they looked alike?” Envoy asked and sat on her haunches after beginning to feel a tightening in her neck. Their stupidity was unnerving enough to wear on Envoy’s professionalism.

Snails shook his head, “Not alike. They looked exactly the same, but her mane was different.”

“Did you catch her name?” Envoy leaned closer to try to possibly transmit a few I.Q. points in their direction.

“The Benign and Negligible Frisky.” Snips answered with disappointment.

“Yeah. We thought Trixie was trying to keep a really awesome magic trick a secret with the fake name or something. So, we got on the train with her. But, when she couldn’t even give the coach attendant her ticket with her magic, we knew she wasn’t Trixie.” Snails said.

“Where were you headed?” Envoy asked while gesturing to Pinkie Pie to write down the answer.

“To see some cool magic!” Snails answered with a bright smile.

“What city was the train heading for?” Cheerilee explicated. She had noticed that Envoy was becoming annoyed.

“Manehattan.” Snips said.

“Yeah,” Snails began, “She said that because she was so benign and negligible, she didn’t perform magic, and so she was going to work at a theatre.”

Snips rubbed his chin, “I think she said it was Carneighie Hall.”

* * *

Princess Celestia shuffled through papers in her small private office in an attempt to find something worthwhile of her decree. The gray stone walls were in stark contrast to the extravagant throne at which she normally did business, but she couldn’t bring herself to face public scrutiny with the death of her most promising student still fresh in her mind. Every time she thought about it, anger and frustration would take hold of her usually elegant and poised presence. The ordinances and legislation she skimmed were simple concerns of infinitesimal details and miniscule issues. It was working down her patience more than usual.

Celestia upheld the image of a princess without effort, and she had grown tired of everypony walking on eggshells around her as if one false move would earn them a lifetime in a dungeon. Conversely, the most irritating ponies were the ones which would assume that a few passing conversations would earn them some sort of special privilege. That attitude was especially displayed by municipalities lead by some jackass whom wanted regulation on the stupidest of things; for instance, what direction somepony could walk on certain days of the week.

A knock at the door caught Celestia’s attention before a muffled voice came from behind the door, “Princess. You have a stubborn and foul mouthed earth pony with a unicorn saying he wants to see you as soon as possible. He said it was concerning with Rainbow Dash.”

It wouldn’t have been the first pony to demand entry using Rainbow Dash as a fulcrum. When the news broke of the Wonderbolt hopeful being arrested, at least three ponies a day would send a Royal Guard to her office with that same message.

Princess Celestia gestured pointlessly to the disembodied voice behind the door, “Please ask them to come back another time.” She said it the same way she had a dozen times before.

“Your majesty, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the earth pony said you would say that, and told me to tell you something that I’m not entirely comfortable with.” The guard said.

She raised a brow and opened the door with her magic. “And that is?” She asked.

“That you’re... um... a bitch, your majesty.” The Royal Unicorn Guard said with an upward inflection as if asking a question.

Celestia stood unmoving for a moment while she gave pause to Scroot’s dry sense of humor. She said casually, “Send him in.”

The unicorn guard recoiled in surprise, bowed, and left to retrieve Scroot and Rarity.

A few minutes passed as Rarity and Scroot made their way to the Princess’s office. Upon entry, Rarity bowed while Scroot remained upright. He approached Celestia with a haughty brow raised in her majestic and powerful presence.

“You get my message?” Scroot asked her.

The princess smiled, “Do you think you’re funny?”

Scroot returned the smile, “Oh, I know I’m funny. You’re the killjoy in this hell-hole you call a kingdom.”

Rarity froze in her bow and didn’t look up. She simply affixed her eyes on the rug below her hooves in surprise that Scroot was acting as if he was talking with an old bar buddy.

“You may rise, Rarity.” Princess Celestia said.

Rarity lifted her head slowly while shifting her eyes from Scroot to Celestia. She expected, at any moment, for the Princess’s horn to flash a laser which would obliterate Scroot into a fine pink cloud. Rarity cleared her throat nervously and continued, “Princess, we’re here with sufficient evidence to exonerate Rainbow Dash.”

Celestia nodded, “I had a feeling you were.”

“Look at that. You’re still all insightful and shit.” Scroot chuckled.

Celestia raised a brow at him and gave a tiny smile, “If you think for a second that I won’t call that Royal Guard back here to stuff you in a trash can specifically for my amusement, you’re about to be sorely mistaken.”

Scroot laughed, “I believe you.” He bowed briefly, “How are you, Celestia?”

The princess blew air and considered her situation, “I've seen better days.”

“I understand.” Scroot nodded. “Can you issue the release to the jail?”

“I deputized you in my authority over that situation. Why haven't you gone?” Celestia asked.

“Because...” He gave pause to remember Envoy's words, “I just think it'd be better that I wasn't the first pony that Dash saw.”

Celestia's face twisted into a smirk. She knew Scroot too well to believe he was that considerate, “I agree.” She turned to Rarity, “Please, have one of my guards escort you to the jail with this message.” She said while floating a sealed parchment into Rarity's bag.

“Yes, Princess.” Rarity nodded. Princess Celestia gave Rarity a dismissing nod, and Rarity left with the royal unicorn that was outside the door.

Celestia raised a brow at Scroot again. “What is this really about?”

“What do you mean?” Scroot returned her quizzical look.

“Are you afraid to admit you were wrong?” She said.

Scroot shrugged, “I was wrong. I'm not afraid to admit that.”

“But facing Rainbow Dash?” Celestia sat on her haunches and cocked her head in his direction.

He sighed and shook his head. “I've never been good at this kind of thing.”

“Scroot, I've known you for a long time, and you haven't changed. I'll have you know, that letter instructs Rainbow Dash to come here upon release.” She said.

He lowered his head shamefully, “Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.”

Celestia's magic flickered under his chin and picked his head up, “I'm sorry, but I can't let you hide from her.”

Scroot sighed and shook her magic from his face, “It seems so obvious now that Rainbow Dash didn't do it.” He said under his breath.

Celestia stood, “Retrospect is always clearer.”

Silence fell upon them as Scroot contemplated the words he would use to apologize to Rainbow Dash. He walked to the small privacy window that looked over the south-west. Ponyville appeared as a dull tan grid amongst the green grass in the distance.

Scroot sighed and shook his head again, “Why didn't things work out between us?”

She gave him a light-hearted scoff, “Scroot, there wasn't an us.”

“There wasn't?” He smiled, “You bailed a lonely earth-pony out of a gambling debt just from the goodness of your heart?”

“Yes.” She answered simply.

“My ass.” He turned to face her. “You wanted my body, but politics kept you from having it.”

Celestia rolled her eyes, “I don't allow my perception of public opinion affect my decisions, and you know that.”

“Right. That's why you let me arrest Rainbow Dash when you knew she was innocent.” Scroot said.

Celestia raised a brow at him with slight offense, “You were unbiased in your findings, and you have proven yourself to be trustworthy. I allowed that to happen because I trust you, Scroot.”

“Then why can't I go back to Ponyville, and let this thing blow over without me?” He asked in a nearly desperate whine.

Celestia laughed, “Because I believe she needs to hear it from you. Being detained is not an easy experience, and she will need the closure.”

Scroot shook his head, “What do we do in the meantime? Stand here awkwardly and talk about the weather?”

She smiled, “We can, but you may go where you like. You know this castle fairly well.”

He thought for a moment. The library sounded like a nice quiet place, and the Castle Cafe had quite the selection, but he didn't really want to leave Celestia. They hadn't spoken in over a hundred years, and although Scroot had aged quite a bit, Celestia still looked as if she wasn't a day over 500.

Scroot watched the world through the window and tried to affix himself on the fact the Earth would continue spinning if Rainbow Dash decided to hate him. He also tried to remain optimistic that he could have a relationship with Rarity despite Rainbow Dash's hatred for him. Facing Rainbow and groveling for her forgiveness might help that, but there was no way to be sure.

His wife's death had left him alone and bitter. He didn't want Rainbow Dash to hate him, and he didn't want to be alone anymore. Dash's forgiveness would solve both of those problems.

Scroot realized that he was lost in thought and staring right at Celestia, “I think I'll stick around.”

“I knew that you would.” Celestia smiled and returned to her paperwork which left Scroot in the silence to script the impending conversation the best that he could.