A Discorded Day

by arcanelexicon

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1706

A powerful artifact lands in Discord's paws. Is this a chance for chaos to once again reign?

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, and as with all beautiful days, this is the kind of day that the universe decided that it was time for something to go wrong. It did so by sending a slight breeze somewhere. Let’s see where this breeze ends up shall we?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-09 07:45:10 UTC

The Beef Is Here

5:15 CS

Canterlot Castle

The Throne Room

There was a shimmering light and a soft humming noise and from out of nowhere, Discord, the spirit of chaos, popped into the room.

“Now, this just won’t do” Discord snapped his fingers. Immediately, a large number of guards, Twilight and her friends, and the Princesses materialized inside the room.

“GUARDS! DEFEND THE PRI-“

The shout was interrupted by another snap of Discord’s fingers. Immediately all the guards stood frozen in place. Another snap and the guards turned into something else.

Discord picked up one of the now miniature guards. “I’ve always loved playing with these when I was a kid, but somehow this guy always disappointed me. Other guys are holding a spear, throwing an explosive or sweeping  for magical mines and all he’s doing is pointing. He’d be going ‘Guys look! The enemy’s over there’ while the rest of the squad goes ‘We know, Captain Obvious’” Discord then placed the miniature soldier back on the floor.

“Now where was I...Oh ye-“

A villain should never monologue, you see, as this gives the heroes a chance to take them down. In this case, Discord was blasted by Celestia, Luna, and Twilight.

“Oh please, I’m wearing the Alicorn Amulet...” Discord snapped his fingers and the princesses rose into the air, frozen in place. Another snap, and they were wrung out like wet towels, all their magical energy being squeezed from them and placed into a small, silvery metallic tube with a black top.  One more snap, and the Princesses were brought back to the ground, powerless, their manes and horns hung limply.

Discord grabbed the metallic tube and placed it into a compartment into his chest.  “With this, I’ll just keep on going and going and-“

“Stop padding the word count!” shouted an irate Pinkie Pie.

Discord gave a sheepish laugh. “Party pooper.  All right, all right..” Discord pulled a checklist from hammerspace and began checking its contents. “Monologue, interrupted, skip evil laugh, somewhat evil mostly annoying plan, ongoing. But, first things first...”

With a snap of his fingers, a box appeared in front of Fluttershy.

Another snap of his fingers and Discord turned into a very, very (WORD COUNT! I know Pinkie! Now shush!) cute wittle draconequus. With puppy dog eyes, Discord asked Fluttershy to open the box. Fluttershy opened the box, gave an emphatic  ~squee~ and immediately fainted.

“Is that what I think it is?” asked Pinkie.

“A plot device for an upcoming story? Yep, now Pinkie Promise that you won’t tell anyone what it is” replied Discord.

Pinkie did as she was told while Discord snapped his fingers, teleporting Fluttershy back to her cottage.

“Dang it Discord, Ah thought ya pinkie promised not to be evil ever again!” shouted Applejack.

“Oh, I’m not being evil. You see there’s a big difference between being evil, and just being annoying” Discord then winked at Pinkie, who winked back and gave a hoofs up sign.

“Ah’m going to make sure that ya never be annoying ever again” raged Applejack as she charged the draconequus.

With a snap of his fingers, Applejack found herself seated on a table. Materializing in front of her were a bunch of red fruits in a bowl.

“Oh no, my greatest weakness!” sighed Applejack. She couldn’t control herself. She was mesmerized by the juicy, succulent, sweet smelling fruits in front of her. She started taking a bite, and then one more. She was in euphoric bliss, and was effectively out of the fight.

“Such uncouth behaviour Discord, I truly cannot believe you would stoop so low once again” said Rarity.

“Ah yes, you and your...overindulgence in good manners. Let’s fix that shall we” Discord snapped his fingers.

Rarity found herself wrapped in a feather boa  and a very stylized robe. “Whaaaa?! I look fabulous!”

As she turned towards her friends, Discord once again snapped his fingers.

“Girls look! I’m Flairity! The stylin’, profilin’, limousine ridin’, jet flyin, kiss-stealin’, wheelin’ n dealin’ son of a-!” Rarity gasped in surprise and immediately tried to cover her mouth. However, she did not have full control of her body and Instead of covering her mouth, she stood up, spread her forelegs wide, and shouted “WHOO!”

Discord, the rest of the Mane six, and the princesses guffawed.

Rarity facehoofed. “Come on this ain’t fair. This should be Applejack, she’s the old blonde. WHOO!”

Applejack stopped stuffing her face. “I object to that! You're older than me!”

“Psh, Maize Mountain might be the oldest ride in the park. You got a problem with me Barn Barnderson? Think you can beat the eighteen time champ? “All i need to do is stick a few strawberries up your plot and you’re done!” raged Rarity.

Applejack flipped the table. “Ah’ve been trying to kick the habit! It's hard enough hiding my strawberry addiction from me family! Now shut up before I whoop yer ass. Remember that I only LET you run the four Smoresmen!”

“WHOO!! Bring it on champ!” bellowed Rarity.

With a snap of Discord’s fingers, Flairity and Barn Barnderson disappeared, headed for their titanic Wrestlemaneia battle.

“You won’t get away with this Discord! I’ll find a way to stop you!” murmured Twilight.

“Oh please, I already know how to stop you” Discord then turned to Pinkie Pie and handed her a box. “A gift to someone who is as mischievous as I”

“A gift? For me?” chirped Pinkie Pie. She immediately opened it, throwing shredded gift wrapping all over the floor. “OHHH! OHHH!!! Confounding Questions For The Egghead In You!” Pinkie opened to a random page. “Hey Twilight, what do you get when you divide nothing by nothing?”

“You can’t do that Pinkie, it’s against mathematical principles” replied Twilight.

“Duh, you get one, and here’s the proof!”

Twilight looked at the book and immediately froze while Pinkie just grinned.

“I almost forgot” said Discord. “The fourth wall asked me to give this to you.”

Pinkie Pie scrunched her muzzle in confusion. "A screen protector?"

"Yes, a screen protector," said Discord. "You see, you've been furiously making out with the fourth wall these past few episodes and it's a little raw in some places from all those sexy fun times. If you want to keep the sexy fun times up, you have to use 'some' protection while he heals up."

As With All Things, A Beginning Is Needed

The New Ponyville Library

3:41 CS (Celestial Sun, or 3 hours 41 minutes after the Sun is raised by Celestia)

It was a beautiful day outside. The birds where chirping, the sun was shining, and a cool breeze was blowing, making sure that the day would not be uncomfortably hot. However, there were two beings who decided to forego the beauty that Celestia’s day brought upon this world.  The only beings of their kind, a human, and a draconequus , had formed an unlikely alliance, wherein, on beautiful days such as this, they were to immediately abandon anything they were doing and immediately barricade themselves inside the library. The barricade, a sign that said ‘CLOSED! Go Away! This Means YOU!,’  had so far been successful in keeping away most ponies that tried to get the human and draconequus to enjoy the wonderful day outside.

Inside, you could feel the negativity emanating from the two beings in the form of poison joke smoke, and spite.

“Last time I went out on a day like this one, I got cuddle-snuggle-ponypile-abducted by the Royal Equestrian Armed Forces, was made to do unspeakable acts, was once again cuddle-snuggle-ponypiled and then dumped back here without even a ‘thank you’ from any of them! And i thought ponies were supposed to be polite!” ranted the human known as Doctor Quack.

“At least they didn’t teach you a friendship lesson” replied the Draconequus known as Discord.

The human took a puff from a rolled up posion joke. “Puh-lease! After I was done with them, they were so giddy that I got about a hundred lessons in two minutes....”

The rants continued, the two talking about their hatred for beautiful days like today.

Now, you may be wondering what happened to that slight breeze that I talked about in the intro. Well, my dear readers, that slight breeze blew away what little cloud cover there was, allowing the sun to shine just a little brighter. The light found its way through a small crack in the curtains and hit something metallic, which made it glint just a little bit.

“...days like this make me want to create some chaos, and somehow be free from any consequences.” sighed Discord.

It was at this moment that something caught the human’s eye.

“Hey! I’ve got an idea!” said the human. He stood up, grabbed the glinting object, and handed it to Discord.  “Zecora gave this to me saying something about ‘this amulet would mess with my mind, maybe making me appreciate more her wonderful behind.”

“You know she was hitting on you right?” asked Discord.

“Oh come on! Ponies seem to have nothing down there!” answered the human.

“Magical underwear, my dear friend. You saw the changelings having those advertisements in them? It’s kind of like that, magic that’s not really magic so your eyes cannot see the almighty panty. Once they put it on, it blends with their fur and allows their cutie marks to be seen, while making sure the more enticing parts of their anatomy is hidden.”

The human facepalmed.

“Don’t worry. I’m working with someone to get your ship to sail. Trust me when I say you should wear those Japanese slippers Twilight gave you the next time you go out.”

The human facepalmed once again.

Discord inspected the object that was given to him. “This looks to be the Alicorn Amulet. It’s like a free pass to do pretty much anything you want and blame it on mind control.”

“I’ve tried wearing it. So far it’s just been a pain in the neck,” said the human

“Here goes chaos!” said Discord as he put on the cursed amulet.

A powerful surge of magical energy coursed through the draconequus. The human expected him to evolve into a final form but was disappointed when Discord remained the same. The draconequus snapped his fingers and disappeared.