Colgate's Rants 2: The Antagonist Editionby StormLunaChaptersDiscordTrixie LulamoonKing SombraSunset ShimmerLightning DustThe Dazzlings (Not so much a rant, more of a situation)Lord TirekQueen ChrysalisDiscordHi everypony, well as you know I have already shared with you some of the ponies who really piss me off. Those who refuse to pay their bills and those who are downright annoying as hell. Well they aren't the only ones who have got on my nerves. When you're a dentist there are some patients you would simply like to kill but unfortunately, murder is illegal in Equestria so I have to use other methods to collect what is owed me. **************************************************************************************************************** I have had to put up with many, many annoying patients in my day but there was one who really stands out from the others, Discord. Yep, Discord actually came to see me. Now he is a rather odd, yet pathetic case. When he first came to see me he was so scared that he had to have Fluttershy accompany him and hold his paw. Come on now, he is an adult draconequus, he should not be needing somepony there to coddle him, especially somepony who OWES ME MONEY! Well I took him back and he is terrified, he begins teleporting all around the room because he knew that his teeth were in bad shape. I had to call his little marefriend back to calm him down. With her help I got him back into the chair and wrapped him in enchanted chains. Well he then shakes his head around until I smacked him so hard I gave him a concussion. Anyway he wound up having six cavities. Yep, six cavities. Well I guess living for thousands of years and never seeing a dentist will do that to you. Well I fixed his teeth and when I took him up front he did not have the money to pay despite me putting up a sign that read "Payment is due at time of service unless other arrangements are made in advance." After the whole TiaCare fiasco I decided that I needed to stop being so lenient when it came to collecting payments. Well he had no way of paying me and despite me telling her no before, Fluttershy offered me songbirds as payment. Obviously this pissed me off but I had a different plan this time. I let them go but first I gave the two a special sedative. This wasn't your ordinary sedative though, it was one that had a delayed reaction of several hours. Well it finally hit them and they fell into a deeper sleep. I barged into Fluttershy's cottage, grabbed that fucking rabbit of her's and snapped his neck. I then threw his lifeless corpse along with a note on their bed that read, "Fluttershy, pay up or your boyfriend is next." Low and behold she showed up the following morning and handed me a big bag of bits. I gave her a warm smile and she went into a crying rage, "Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to kill Angel bunny?" I just stood there laughing as I was counting the bits, making sure that she payed me what she owed me. When I finished counting them I was amazed, she paid me more than what she owed me! Naturally though, I didn't tell her but I wasn't about to give her a credit either. I just decided the extra could count towards me having to clean up rabbit shit and the grief that she has caused me over the years. After that she took off running home, crying so loud that she had other ponies yelling at her to shut the hell up. Trixie LulamoonNow this next patient of mine is probably the most special case of any dentist in Equestria as she is more than just a patient of mine. Remember how I told you about buying a house to rent out after Chrysalis paid up? Well this next patient is also a tenant of mine, The Incredibly Annoying and Narcissistic Trixie! Good grief, where do I even get started with her? I remember the first time I met her it was when she befriended the village idiots who brought an Ursa into town for her to vanquish. While she had set up shop she had a toothache and had me take a look at it. As soon as she got into my office she immediately began bragging about her past exploits and it didn't take me long to get pissed and smack her. I couldn't help but laugh because I knocked a tooth loose! Yay, this will add some on to her bill! There was one problem though, she didn't have a single bit on her, not a single bit. We began to haggle and she began to fire energy at me exclaiming, "You'll never get any money from The Great and Powerful Trixie! Trixie is far too powerful for you to get anything from Trixie." Well I decided that we should have a little competition so after I closed for the day I took her to my house and we had a competition in my backyard. Whoever could accomplish the greatest magical feat would come out on top. I said, "So, when I come out on top you will pay me what you owe me?" Of course her response pissed me off. "Well Trixie doesn't have any money but that doesn't matter because Trixie is far more powerful than you! Like always, Trixie will come out on top!" I rolled my eyes and thought, "Whatever bitch, your street magic is pathetic compared to mine." Out behind my house are some rocks, some were pebbles and some were almost as big as my house. We decided to see who could lift the heaviest rock and being the little arrogant bitch that she is, she demanded to go first and tried to lift the largest and heaviest rock. Well she failed miserably and eventually found one that wasn't huge, but wasn't small that she could barely lift. She laughed, "Ha, try and beat Trixie! There is no way you can lift a rock heavier than Trixie did." Now I had already been making plans of how I was going to make her compensate me while she was failing with the bigger rocks. What she doesn't know is that I practice lifting heavy rocks to keep my magic strong. I gave her a sadistic yet almost seductive smile as I lifted the largest, heaviest rock out there. She gasped, "How could you possibly do that? Nopony is more powerful than The Great and Powerful Trixie!" I grabbed her with my aura and dragged her into my house. I laughed, "Whatever Trixie. You have said that many, many times but unless you have a powerful magical amulet, you always lose!" Well I got her into my bedroom where she compensated me all weekend long. I tell you, for such a braggart she sure is submissive in the bedroom. She was always moaning, "Take the Sexy and Submissive Trixie, take Trixie, take Trixie!" I tell you, seeing a pony who is such a braggart submit to me and love it, I felt a great amount of power. I also discovered that she is extremely ticklish down south so she did squirm and giggle a lot when I had her for supper, but it made her all the more satisfying and fun! Of course there were times when she would be unable to pay her rent too and well, I am assuming you know what happened then! Let's just say that my marefriends quickly grew jealous of Trixie but hey, I'm so good in bed that they don't mind the fact that The Great and Powerful Trixie ultimately became The Incredibly Hot and Dominant Colgate's little bitch. Author's Note I am thinking about writing a one-shot story based on this chapter. While I never thought of it before, TrixGate sounds like a fun ship. King SombraMy next patient is by far the strangest. I have had some rather odd patients in Discord and Chrysalis but this one, King Sombra, topped them all when it came to being odd. When he first came in he said, "Dentisssssst! I need to see the dentissssst!" When I saw him come in I pretty much knew that he most likely did not have any money on him so I pointed my hoof at the sign. He nodded his head and said, "Cryssssstals, I can pay you in cryssssstals!" Well this immediately brought a frown to my face. I did know that with him though that I could not be my normal self but I didn't feel like having to wait to cash those crystals in. I said, "King Sombra, I am sorry but I do not accept crystals as a form of payment. I do have to make a living, I prefer cash." I saw that the pony from Canterlot who buys gems was set up across the street and I had an idea. I pointed my hoof across the street and said, "Your Majesty, go sell those crystals and come back. Then we can see what we can do." Of course this did not sit well with him but given who I was dealing with, it did not really surprise me. Well he headed across the street and sold his crystals. When he came back in I saw his saddlebag was loaded with bits. I thought to myself, "JACKPOT!" Well I took him back and holy shit his teeth were in bad shape. I asked, "King Sombra, what in the hell happened to your teeth?" He replied, "Crysssstals! They broke my teeth!" It was at this point that I realized that the legends I was taught in history class are true, that he actually eats crystals! Well anyway I realized that I was going to be in for a long, taxing weekend. I said, "King Sombra, your teeth are in such bad shape that you are going to need completely new teeth." I motioned for him to hand me his saddlebag full of bits and surprisingly he obliged without any problems. I continued, "Meet me here at five on Friday and I will give you a whole new set of chompers." On Friday afternoon he showed up and all I could do is sigh in disgust. Why the hell didn't he stop eating crystals when he first noticed that they were breaking his teeth instead of waiting until every single one of the damn things were broken. Well I guess it will be worth it given he got 30,000 bits in exchange for all those black crystals. Of course once I got him in the back he continued to move his head when I began to rip his old teeth out so I could put the new ones in. I could tell by the look on his face that he was scared. Yep, you heard that right, scared. Why the hell would an evil dark king be scared of anything! I guess he is just as much of a pussy as Discord was. Luckily for him though I will fully sedate him when I screw those new teeth in. Eventually I just decide to sedate the wimp so I can get my work done without him constantly fidgeting and moving his head around. Despite him being in a peaceful sleep, it still took me until Sunday afternoon to finish my work as putting in full dental implants takes quite some time. The bastard better be lucky that he paid me in full in advance. Had he not had the money, I would have had to kill him for good which is something I'm sure Celestia would not have minded. Sunset ShimmerMy next patient has had some rather odd life experiences and she is the first patient that I know from the past. At one time her and I were in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns together, Sunset Shimmer. When she first walked in she rushed up to me, hugged me and said, "Minuette! Long time no see!" I smacked her so hard I knocked one of her teeth out. I yelled, "DO NOT CALL ME MINUETTE! NOPONY CALLS ME MINUETTE!" What irks the hell out of me is that she knew that I preferred to go by Colgate. She looked a bit scared and corrected herself, "Ok Colgate, I'm sorry." I replied, "That's better. What brings you in today?" She told me about how a couple of her teeth were hurting and picked up her tooth I knocked out and added, "And thanks to you, I need this tooth put back in!" Before asking her how she would pay I took her back. I guess sometimes a pony will forget the most important things when she sees a pony from her past. I looked at her teeth and a couple of them were rotten. I shook my head and asked, "Sunset, what the hell is up with your teeth? A couple of them are rotten and from the looks of things, I would swear your diet consists mainly of chocolate." She nodded and replied, "Well at Canterlot High that is what me and the other girls like." Given that both of us were in Celestia's advanced school I wondered what she was talking about. I asked, "Canterlot High? What the hell are you talking about Sunny?" She had this scared look on her face and acted like she had revealed something that she was not supposed to. Well I honestly don't care, all I care about is getting her in and out of here and most importantly, getting my money. Unlike other patients though, she kept on trying to talk about how her life is going while I was trying to fix her teeth, I had to reprimand her, "Sunset, I can't fix your teeth if you keep on talking. We can reminisce later." I simply said that to placate her as I honestly don't give a rat's ass about what is going on in her life. Besides, what the hell could be going on in her life that I would find interesting? Well I was finally able to get her settled in her chair and I got to work on her. I honestly wonder about her though, how the hell could somepony let their teeth get in that bad of shape? Eventually we finished our talk and began to reminisce some more. Yeah I know it is cheesy as hell but I'll placate the girl nonetheless. She started to talk about some high school in an alternate world and a statue of some sort. I'm thinking, what in the hell is she talking about? The more she talks about this alternate world and the "people" she knew, the more I began to think she must be taking some hardcore drugs. The only place I have ever heard the term "people" used is in Lyra's My Little Human comic book and I figured she must be a fan of the show as well. Eventually her appointment was over and up came my favorite part, collecting her payment. What would happen next tough would really piss me off. Guess what she hands me? A TIACARE CARD. Yep, a damn TiaCare card and to make matters worse, the damn thing was expired! So even if I did still accept TiaCare, her card would have been declined anyway. Like I said this pissed me off and as everypony knows, it is not wise to piss me off. I smacked her and yelled, "Look bitch, I don't accept TiaCare! Take your card and stick it where the sun don't shine!" I got in her face and added, "Look, I accept cash, debit cards, EquineCare and most private insurance plans." Well unfortunately for her she had no cash on her nor did she have any other insurance so she wound up having to work her debt off by being my personal janitor at home and in the office. Yeah she didn't like it but she figured it beats getting sued. I would have had her compensate me in other ways but I just didn't find her suitable for that kind of compensation. Lightning DustOne thing I have noticed is that I often get patients from outside of Ponyville. I am assuming it is because I am the best damn dentist in the history of ponykind so who would want to see a lesser dentist that would fuck up their teeth? My next patient is a lot like Rainbow Dash except that she is in bitch mode 24/7, Lightning Dust. Her reason for coming to me was strange yet amusing at the same time. Let me tell you about this. Well she was being a showboat at the Wonderbolts Academy when she crashed and knocked a few teeth out. Well she first went to the dentist up there but after a few minutes of her bragging he quickly threw her out so she was sent to me. She came in and I saw that she pulled a few teeth out of her saddlebag and gave them to me. I asked her what the hell she wanted and she started to go on a tirade. I am not exactly the biggest fan of athlete pegasi to start with so I zapped her with some energy and that shut her up for a bit. She was bitching about how somepony cut her off at the Wonderbolts Academy causing her to crash and lose some teeth. I didn't like her attitude so I pointed my hoof at my sign regarding payment being required at the time of service, basically asking her how she was going to be paying me, especially given that she is a new patient. She started to bitch some more and then I did something really stupid. Given that you only have so long to get teeth put back in after they are knocked out I took her back before knowing how she was going to pay me. One thing that I really hope she never finds out about though is that because of her behavior and the reputation that she has, I only did a half ass job when it came to working on her. Unfortunately for her, I was unable to get any of her teeth back in. I lied to her and simply told her that she did not arrive in time to get them put back in, that she would need implants. She grudgingly accepted this as the truth but there was one problem, she had no way of paying me so I decided to put her in chains and keep her until I was compensated. She was a special case, she acts like a stallion most of the time and is uglier than shit so the very thoughts of making her my little bitch utterly repulsed me, I figured that she was likely unfit to be a janitor so I did something quite funny. I cut one of her wings off without sedating her. I tell you, listening to her scream in agony was quite hilarious. What was even funnier was when she began to sob about never being able to become a Wonderbolt but I honestly don't give a shit. I put her in her place and that is what matters. Now unfortunately I didn't get any money out of her but I can always jack up Trixie's rent or overcharge a few ponies until I break even, so it's no biggie. The last time I saw her, she had not been able to get any implants and the reason for that is quite funny as well. I faxed every other dentist in Equestria and told them to not take her as a patient because she is a bum when it comes to her bills. With that being said, she is embarrassed in two ways, only having one wing and having an ugly smile. I bet she never tries to showboat again! The Dazzlings (Not so much a rant, more of a situation)Adagio Dazzle While normally it is just a matter of one patient coming in at a time that annoys the hell out of me or really pisses me off, one time I had THREE. Three very annoying patients who had the strangest appearance. They looked like ponies but they had transparent wings and had personalities that I would find incompatible. I'm no counselor but how these three manage to get along is beyond me and how I managed to not strangle them is beyond me as well. Well I figured they must be some sort of gang because of their strange behavior and closeness. The first one I had to deal with was the one that seemed to take on the leader role among them, Adagio Dazzle. Well I took her back and when I looked in her mouth, her teeth seemed to resemble Sunset's, they were full of cavities. I shook my head and asked, "Adagio, what the hell have you been eating? Your teeth are in horrible shape." Well she went on to tell me about some parallel world and some mirror and suddenly it hit me. I studied a decent amount of history when I was in Celestia's school and I realized that these three could only be one thing, the sirens that Starswirl banished from our world so long ago. Of course I was not going to bring this up nor was I going to take them over to Twilight because if i have to, I can punish them much more severely. Well she was a lot like Discord, she would shake her head around and bite down on my instruments while I was fixing her teeth. I eventually became so pissed at her that I smacked her and gave her a concussion. This made my job much easier and I was able to get her cavities filled but I would not be happy when I took her back out front. She didn't have a single bit on her and when I asked her for her insurance card, she handed me a student ID for Canterlot High School. I got in her face and yelled, "What the hell is this?" Well she went on about how the students at that school get free health and dental care with their IDs where they live. I smacked her again and yelled, "Well you ain't in that other world anymore little girl." I sighed and realized that I would have to get compensation from her in some other way. I didn't like her attitude, she was a bitch and she wasn't all that attractive, so I figured that she would make a good temporary custodian. She didn't like the idea at first but when I told her I would cut her wings off if I had to, she quickly changed her tune. **************************************************************************************************************** Aria Blaze While I was busy discussing with Adagio how she would compensate me I heard the other two sirens talking and my my, the one with pigtails is a total bitch! Given the personality of the other siren though I could see why she would behave in such a manner. Unlike with Adagio though, I asked her if she had anyway to pay me. I don't know where the hell she got them but she did hand me a couple of bits. Yeah this was not nearly enough to pay for her visit but given her personality, I decided that she could work her debt off by being my new accounts receivable clerk. Hey, having a total bitch do that job gets ponies to pay their bills more quickly, right? Well I took her back and despite her being a total bitch the whole time, her teeth were in spectacular shape. Despite the good news and me only having to clean her teeth, she kept on bitching about it the whole time. While I wanted to smack that bitch into oblivion, I realized that if I was going to make her compensate me the way I wanted to, that I would have to be nice. After all, who would want to work for a complete asshole? Once I got her out front I handed her a job application form to fill out because I would have to have a record that she did actually apply for a job since my ultimate plan is to give her a paying position once she has paid off her debt. Despite her snarly "whatevers" and other bitching and complaining, I wanted the bitchiest individual I could find working for me and she was the best one for the job. **************************************************************************************************************** Sonata Dusk Well Aria sat down and began to fill out the job application while I took the third siren back. This one seemed to be a whole lot different than the others. In my studies I learned that the sirens Starswirl banished were evil, but this one didn't seem nearly as bad as the others. She seemed almost sweet, innocent and naive. On the way back I said, "Let me guess, you don't have anyway to pay either." She gave me a dorky little smile and said, "Uh, no." I replied, "Well I'll still see you but you'll have to compensate me in one way or another." She became very giddy and asked, "For realzies?" It was at this moment when I realized why Aria was being such a bitch to her, such a positive personality would get on anypony's nerves. I'm not saying it is all bad but in excessive amounts it would drive a pony to kill. When she opened her mouth I saw bits and pieces of hamburger, lettuce, cheese and taco shell stuck between her teeth. I asked, "I take it you got tacos before coming here." She giggled, "Yes! If there is one thing I could never get enough of, it is tacos!" I sighed, "I see. Well let's get to work here." Luckily for me she didn't have any cavities but she did have gingivitis, which might be a problem later down the road. Well with what I have planned for her, she will brush three times a day as will the other two and all those who have to compensate me over the long term. **************************************************************************************************************** My Plans Once I was finished with Sonata I took her out front and I decided the time to tell these three what my plans were for them since they could not pay me. I began, "Adagio Dazzle, you will be my janitor until you pay off your debt." I knew that these three would likely face some sort of punishment if I took them to any of the princesses so I decided I had to give them jobs. I continued, "Once you have paid off your debt, you will become my paid janitor. The pay is not great but it will be enough for you to make it, well somewhat." I turned to Aria and continued, "Aria, you will start work immediately as my accounts receivable clerk. Once you have paid off your debt, you will have a regular job. Your hours will be eight in the morning to five in the afternoon with a lunch break from twelve to one. Do not be late though, I harbor a pure hatred towards tardiness and I'm sure you don't want to face my wrath." She asked, "Oh and what if I am late, loser?" I smacked her and continued, "If you're late you little bitch I'll beat you like a rented mule and then haul your sorry ass over to Twilight's castle and she can deal with you." I glared at Adagio and continued, "Just as if you do a shitty job or don't show up, I'll do the same to you." That must have struck fear into the hearts of those two because they suddenly lost their attitudes and became more respectful. I then looked at Sonata and finished, "Sonata, the only job you will have is making me happy and tell you what, if you make me extra happy, I'll buy you a taco." She became beyond giddy, "For realzies? You'll get me a taco if I make you extra happy?" I replied, "Yes, I will." Now the three had nowhere to live and they did voice their concerns over that. Well I decided that I would just move Sonata in with me. After all, if she is to make me happy I want her available at all times. I also decided to move Trixie in with me as well since she has the same job. I had Aria and Adagio move into my rental where they would take over Trixie's lease and would cover the bills. Yes they protested and threw a fit but all I have to do is threaten them with hauling them over to Twilight and that quickly gets them back in line. In the end I learned that Aria was bitchy with bum patients and they paid their bills quicker. I learned that Adagio was a good janitor and my oh my is Sonata good in bed. All I have to do is tell her I will get her a taco and she puts Trixie to shame. One fun thing about her, yanking on that ponytail of her's while she's making me happy causes her to let out the cutest, sexist squeal. The best thing about her though, she is the most submissive little thing I have ever known, and the best love slaves are the most submissive. Lord TirekMy next patient is kind of creepy, no let me rephrase that. He is incredibly creepy. When he came he was in this robe and I couldn't see his face. Not only did this piss me off, it made me feel a little bit nervous. While I have served other villains, I realized that this one had to be the worst of the worst. Now I have only seen Tirek in his huge, muscular form. I have never seen him in his scrawny form. I asked, "So what happened, Cerberus leave his post again?" He simply grunted and I figured whatever. I asked him how he was going to pay and he mumbled something I could not understand. I knew about his powers so I just took him back. In the event that he suddenly got strong enough he could steal magic again I wrapped him in enchanted chains. Well I looked into his mouth and my first thought was, what the hell could have caused his teeth to get this bad? What the hell could he have eaten in Tartarus to cause him to have five cavities. Well I glared at him and said, "Tirek, you have five cavities. What in the hell have you been eating in Tartarus." He finally decided to speak. In a raspy voice he replied, "Why should I tell a weak minded equine?" Weak minded equine? Weak minded equine? Oh boy, this really pissed me off. That pissed me off far more than Sunset did when she called me Minuette. For a brief moment I forgot who I was dealing with and began to beat him savagely. I beat him so badly that I knocked over half of his teeth out. "Oh shit!" I thought to myself. Suddenly I realized that when he gets enough strength to steal magic I would likely be his first target BUT no way in hell am I apologizing to some dumb fuck centaur. Us equines are the superior species after all! Well I began to work on him and luckily for both me and him, I was able to get his teeth put back in and got those cavities filled. Before unchaining him though, I began to wonder if perhaps there was a way I could actually disable his ability to steal magic. I remembered about what he did when he stole magic, a ball of energy formed between his horns. "A-Ha!" I thought, "I'll just rip those horns out for payment." I said to him, "Tirek, given that you have no way to pay me, you MUST compensate me in one way or another." I a snide tone he said, "I don't have to do anything, I am Tirek!" Now while I thought at first that ripping his horns off with a pair of pliers would be good, I realized that I must remove the entirety of both horns, so I gave him a sedative and decided to see how good of a surgeon I was. Well I got to work and when I had cut into his skull I saw nerves running from his brain into his horn. I realized this was my chance so I grabbed those nerves and the horn with my aura and ripped them out. Despite being unconscious he went into convulsions. I couldn't help but laugh, "Weak minded equines Tirek? How about "Pathetic dumb fuck centaurs!" Well I got to work on the other horn because I figured that he might be able to still steal magic even with just one horn. While I was getting ready to rip the other out, I accidentally tripped forward and rammed my horn into his brain. He again went into convulsions, only this time he let out one final sigh. I checked to see if he was breathing but he wasn't. I felt for a pulse but he had none. I thought to myself, "Did I kill him?" I became giddy when I realized that I did indeed kill him but I wasn't going to take any chances so I cut him open and removed his heart. There I stood, covered in blood when I saw Celestia walking down the street with Cerberus. I thought to myself, "Oh boy, Cerberus must be in trouble! I bet Celestia's taking him to the vet!" While I know murder is illegal in Equestria, I realized that this could be a golden opportunity for me. I took Tirek's corpse along with his heart and raced after Celestia. When I caught her she saw me covered in blood. She got a mortified look on her face and asked, "Colgate, why in Equestria are you covered in blood?" I proudly held up Tirek's corpse along with his heart and proudly stated, "I am covered in the blood of the worst villain ponykind has ever known. Never again will we have to worry about him stealing magic." She was stunned. She asked, "What? How in Equestria did you do that?" I proudly replied, "Well the bastard came in to see me but he had no way of paying me so I had to be compensated one way or another. With others it would have been forced labor or being sued but Tirek here was a special case, his life was all that would suffice." Celestia smiled and said, "Well Colgate, you have done Equestria well. You have saved us from any further attacks from the worst villain of all time." She gave me a huge grin and asked, "Colgate, what would you think about becoming an Alicorn princess?" Well I gladly accepted but under the conditions that I can stay in Ponyville and keep my practice. Nopony ever said she had to know about the sirens I am keeping under my hoof, especially Sonata given how much she keeps me happy. Luckily she let me keep my practice and stay in Ponyville so now Ponyville has a second princess, a much smarter princess, a much more down to earth princess and most important of all, a princess who actually works for a living! **************************************************************************************************************** Well Celestia transformed me and then held the coronation ceremony. Unlike Twilight's, it was a smaller, more simple ceremony here in Ponyville. After all, I'm not a wasteful bitch who has to have a fancy coronation. Holding those things ain't cheap after all and given that I have paid taxes into the system most of my life, I didn't think other ponies should have to pay for some fancy celebration. I stood there in front of an adoring crowd and my focus immediately shifted to Twilight. I thought to myself, "She may be a princess like me but I'm still her queen! Because of her crime of thinking that I would ever accept TiaCare, she will be my little bitch forever and there ain't a thing Tia can do about it!" Queen ChrysalisWhile Discord was a new patient, there is one that has been a regular of mine, Queen Chrysalis. Now she is an extremely odd case as she always comes to me in the form of Princess Cadence. Of course this was always extremely confusing because Cadence is a patient of mine as well. I never knew which one she truly was until she took her own form in the back. One day though, she would do something that would really piss me off and how the hell she managed to do it without Princess Twilight coming over after her is beyond me. Get this, she brought her whole damn hive to get their teeth checked. Yep, you heard me right, her whole fucking hive. She comes over and leaves her "children" outside and tries to schedule an appointment for them but what she fails to realize is that I do have other patients. She began going ballistic over the fact that I would not be able to get all of them in for a month. While I knew that she can put ponies in a cocoon of ooze, I can hold my own against her and it helps that I can cast a protection bubble around myself so that ooze bounces right off of me. Of course this frustrated her when she couldn't immobilize me but eventually she realized that she would have to compromise after I burned her with some of my own energy. Eventually I decided to cut a deal with her before she destroyed my practice. I told her that IF she would pay for all the patients' appointments that I had to reschedule that I would schedule her drones right away. There was one problem though, not only did she not have the money to pay for the patients that I would have to inconvenience, she did not have the money to pay for her changelings' appointments either. Now naturally this pissed me off so I gave her an ultimatum, get me all the money she owes me within 24 hours or she would not like what I would do. Well the following morning she showed up with around 100,000 bits. Now how she got them, I don't care. What matters is that I got my money. While I did make a killing off of this, it took me three weeks working twelve hour days to get her whole hive taken care of. I suppose it is a good thing that they feed off of love as they had perfect teeth. I can only imagine how long it would have taken me if a large portion of them had cavities. I have decided though that I will no longer see her or her little rats because of this. It doesn't really matter though as I have heard that she is locked up in the dungeon in Canterlot while she is awaiting trial on multiple counts of armed robbery. What happened to her hive I'm not really sure of but I honestly don't give a fuck. I got my money and that is what matters. One good thing though, I was able to buy that house down the street so now I own a rental and I already have somepony living in it, somepony that used to be a foe of Twilight's and is now my newest and incredibly annoying patient.
DiscordHi everypony, well as you know I have already shared with you some of the ponies who really piss me off. Those who refuse to pay their bills and those who are downright annoying as hell. Well they aren't the only ones who have got on my nerves. When you're a dentist there are some patients you would simply like to kill but unfortunately, murder is illegal in Equestria so I have to use other methods to collect what is owed me. **************************************************************************************************************** I have had to put up with many, many annoying patients in my day but there was one who really stands out from the others, Discord. Yep, Discord actually came to see me. Now he is a rather odd, yet pathetic case. When he first came to see me he was so scared that he had to have Fluttershy accompany him and hold his paw. Come on now, he is an adult draconequus, he should not be needing somepony there to coddle him, especially somepony who OWES ME MONEY! Well I took him back and he is terrified, he begins teleporting all around the room because he knew that his teeth were in bad shape. I had to call his little marefriend back to calm him down. With her help I got him back into the chair and wrapped him in enchanted chains. Well he then shakes his head around until I smacked him so hard I gave him a concussion. Anyway he wound up having six cavities. Yep, six cavities. Well I guess living for thousands of years and never seeing a dentist will do that to you. Well I fixed his teeth and when I took him up front he did not have the money to pay despite me putting up a sign that read "Payment is due at time of service unless other arrangements are made in advance." After the whole TiaCare fiasco I decided that I needed to stop being so lenient when it came to collecting payments. Well he had no way of paying me and despite me telling her no before, Fluttershy offered me songbirds as payment. Obviously this pissed me off but I had a different plan this time. I let them go but first I gave the two a special sedative. This wasn't your ordinary sedative though, it was one that had a delayed reaction of several hours. Well it finally hit them and they fell into a deeper sleep. I barged into Fluttershy's cottage, grabbed that fucking rabbit of her's and snapped his neck. I then threw his lifeless corpse along with a note on their bed that read, "Fluttershy, pay up or your boyfriend is next." Low and behold she showed up the following morning and handed me a big bag of bits. I gave her a warm smile and she went into a crying rage, "Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to kill Angel bunny?" I just stood there laughing as I was counting the bits, making sure that she payed me what she owed me. When I finished counting them I was amazed, she paid me more than what she owed me! Naturally though, I didn't tell her but I wasn't about to give her a credit either. I just decided the extra could count towards me having to clean up rabbit shit and the grief that she has caused me over the years. After that she took off running home, crying so loud that she had other ponies yelling at her to shut the hell up.
Trixie LulamoonNow this next patient of mine is probably the most special case of any dentist in Equestria as she is more than just a patient of mine. Remember how I told you about buying a house to rent out after Chrysalis paid up? Well this next patient is also a tenant of mine, The Incredibly Annoying and Narcissistic Trixie! Good grief, where do I even get started with her? I remember the first time I met her it was when she befriended the village idiots who brought an Ursa into town for her to vanquish. While she had set up shop she had a toothache and had me take a look at it. As soon as she got into my office she immediately began bragging about her past exploits and it didn't take me long to get pissed and smack her. I couldn't help but laugh because I knocked a tooth loose! Yay, this will add some on to her bill! There was one problem though, she didn't have a single bit on her, not a single bit. We began to haggle and she began to fire energy at me exclaiming, "You'll never get any money from The Great and Powerful Trixie! Trixie is far too powerful for you to get anything from Trixie." Well I decided that we should have a little competition so after I closed for the day I took her to my house and we had a competition in my backyard. Whoever could accomplish the greatest magical feat would come out on top. I said, "So, when I come out on top you will pay me what you owe me?" Of course her response pissed me off. "Well Trixie doesn't have any money but that doesn't matter because Trixie is far more powerful than you! Like always, Trixie will come out on top!" I rolled my eyes and thought, "Whatever bitch, your street magic is pathetic compared to mine." Out behind my house are some rocks, some were pebbles and some were almost as big as my house. We decided to see who could lift the heaviest rock and being the little arrogant bitch that she is, she demanded to go first and tried to lift the largest and heaviest rock. Well she failed miserably and eventually found one that wasn't huge, but wasn't small that she could barely lift. She laughed, "Ha, try and beat Trixie! There is no way you can lift a rock heavier than Trixie did." Now I had already been making plans of how I was going to make her compensate me while she was failing with the bigger rocks. What she doesn't know is that I practice lifting heavy rocks to keep my magic strong. I gave her a sadistic yet almost seductive smile as I lifted the largest, heaviest rock out there. She gasped, "How could you possibly do that? Nopony is more powerful than The Great and Powerful Trixie!" I grabbed her with my aura and dragged her into my house. I laughed, "Whatever Trixie. You have said that many, many times but unless you have a powerful magical amulet, you always lose!" Well I got her into my bedroom where she compensated me all weekend long. I tell you, for such a braggart she sure is submissive in the bedroom. She was always moaning, "Take the Sexy and Submissive Trixie, take Trixie, take Trixie!" I tell you, seeing a pony who is such a braggart submit to me and love it, I felt a great amount of power. I also discovered that she is extremely ticklish down south so she did squirm and giggle a lot when I had her for supper, but it made her all the more satisfying and fun! Of course there were times when she would be unable to pay her rent too and well, I am assuming you know what happened then! Let's just say that my marefriends quickly grew jealous of Trixie but hey, I'm so good in bed that they don't mind the fact that The Great and Powerful Trixie ultimately became The Incredibly Hot and Dominant Colgate's little bitch. Author's Note I am thinking about writing a one-shot story based on this chapter. While I never thought of it before, TrixGate sounds like a fun ship.
King SombraMy next patient is by far the strangest. I have had some rather odd patients in Discord and Chrysalis but this one, King Sombra, topped them all when it came to being odd. When he first came in he said, "Dentisssssst! I need to see the dentissssst!" When I saw him come in I pretty much knew that he most likely did not have any money on him so I pointed my hoof at the sign. He nodded his head and said, "Cryssssstals, I can pay you in cryssssstals!" Well this immediately brought a frown to my face. I did know that with him though that I could not be my normal self but I didn't feel like having to wait to cash those crystals in. I said, "King Sombra, I am sorry but I do not accept crystals as a form of payment. I do have to make a living, I prefer cash." I saw that the pony from Canterlot who buys gems was set up across the street and I had an idea. I pointed my hoof across the street and said, "Your Majesty, go sell those crystals and come back. Then we can see what we can do." Of course this did not sit well with him but given who I was dealing with, it did not really surprise me. Well he headed across the street and sold his crystals. When he came back in I saw his saddlebag was loaded with bits. I thought to myself, "JACKPOT!" Well I took him back and holy shit his teeth were in bad shape. I asked, "King Sombra, what in the hell happened to your teeth?" He replied, "Crysssstals! They broke my teeth!" It was at this point that I realized that the legends I was taught in history class are true, that he actually eats crystals! Well anyway I realized that I was going to be in for a long, taxing weekend. I said, "King Sombra, your teeth are in such bad shape that you are going to need completely new teeth." I motioned for him to hand me his saddlebag full of bits and surprisingly he obliged without any problems. I continued, "Meet me here at five on Friday and I will give you a whole new set of chompers." On Friday afternoon he showed up and all I could do is sigh in disgust. Why the hell didn't he stop eating crystals when he first noticed that they were breaking his teeth instead of waiting until every single one of the damn things were broken. Well I guess it will be worth it given he got 30,000 bits in exchange for all those black crystals. Of course once I got him in the back he continued to move his head when I began to rip his old teeth out so I could put the new ones in. I could tell by the look on his face that he was scared. Yep, you heard that right, scared. Why the hell would an evil dark king be scared of anything! I guess he is just as much of a pussy as Discord was. Luckily for him though I will fully sedate him when I screw those new teeth in. Eventually I just decide to sedate the wimp so I can get my work done without him constantly fidgeting and moving his head around. Despite him being in a peaceful sleep, it still took me until Sunday afternoon to finish my work as putting in full dental implants takes quite some time. The bastard better be lucky that he paid me in full in advance. Had he not had the money, I would have had to kill him for good which is something I'm sure Celestia would not have minded.
Sunset ShimmerMy next patient has had some rather odd life experiences and she is the first patient that I know from the past. At one time her and I were in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns together, Sunset Shimmer. When she first walked in she rushed up to me, hugged me and said, "Minuette! Long time no see!" I smacked her so hard I knocked one of her teeth out. I yelled, "DO NOT CALL ME MINUETTE! NOPONY CALLS ME MINUETTE!" What irks the hell out of me is that she knew that I preferred to go by Colgate. She looked a bit scared and corrected herself, "Ok Colgate, I'm sorry." I replied, "That's better. What brings you in today?" She told me about how a couple of her teeth were hurting and picked up her tooth I knocked out and added, "And thanks to you, I need this tooth put back in!" Before asking her how she would pay I took her back. I guess sometimes a pony will forget the most important things when she sees a pony from her past. I looked at her teeth and a couple of them were rotten. I shook my head and asked, "Sunset, what the hell is up with your teeth? A couple of them are rotten and from the looks of things, I would swear your diet consists mainly of chocolate." She nodded and replied, "Well at Canterlot High that is what me and the other girls like." Given that both of us were in Celestia's advanced school I wondered what she was talking about. I asked, "Canterlot High? What the hell are you talking about Sunny?" She had this scared look on her face and acted like she had revealed something that she was not supposed to. Well I honestly don't care, all I care about is getting her in and out of here and most importantly, getting my money. Unlike other patients though, she kept on trying to talk about how her life is going while I was trying to fix her teeth, I had to reprimand her, "Sunset, I can't fix your teeth if you keep on talking. We can reminisce later." I simply said that to placate her as I honestly don't give a rat's ass about what is going on in her life. Besides, what the hell could be going on in her life that I would find interesting? Well I was finally able to get her settled in her chair and I got to work on her. I honestly wonder about her though, how the hell could somepony let their teeth get in that bad of shape? Eventually we finished our talk and began to reminisce some more. Yeah I know it is cheesy as hell but I'll placate the girl nonetheless. She started to talk about some high school in an alternate world and a statue of some sort. I'm thinking, what in the hell is she talking about? The more she talks about this alternate world and the "people" she knew, the more I began to think she must be taking some hardcore drugs. The only place I have ever heard the term "people" used is in Lyra's My Little Human comic book and I figured she must be a fan of the show as well. Eventually her appointment was over and up came my favorite part, collecting her payment. What would happen next tough would really piss me off. Guess what she hands me? A TIACARE CARD. Yep, a damn TiaCare card and to make matters worse, the damn thing was expired! So even if I did still accept TiaCare, her card would have been declined anyway. Like I said this pissed me off and as everypony knows, it is not wise to piss me off. I smacked her and yelled, "Look bitch, I don't accept TiaCare! Take your card and stick it where the sun don't shine!" I got in her face and added, "Look, I accept cash, debit cards, EquineCare and most private insurance plans." Well unfortunately for her she had no cash on her nor did she have any other insurance so she wound up having to work her debt off by being my personal janitor at home and in the office. Yeah she didn't like it but she figured it beats getting sued. I would have had her compensate me in other ways but I just didn't find her suitable for that kind of compensation.
Lightning DustOne thing I have noticed is that I often get patients from outside of Ponyville. I am assuming it is because I am the best damn dentist in the history of ponykind so who would want to see a lesser dentist that would fuck up their teeth? My next patient is a lot like Rainbow Dash except that she is in bitch mode 24/7, Lightning Dust. Her reason for coming to me was strange yet amusing at the same time. Let me tell you about this. Well she was being a showboat at the Wonderbolts Academy when she crashed and knocked a few teeth out. Well she first went to the dentist up there but after a few minutes of her bragging he quickly threw her out so she was sent to me. She came in and I saw that she pulled a few teeth out of her saddlebag and gave them to me. I asked her what the hell she wanted and she started to go on a tirade. I am not exactly the biggest fan of athlete pegasi to start with so I zapped her with some energy and that shut her up for a bit. She was bitching about how somepony cut her off at the Wonderbolts Academy causing her to crash and lose some teeth. I didn't like her attitude so I pointed my hoof at my sign regarding payment being required at the time of service, basically asking her how she was going to be paying me, especially given that she is a new patient. She started to bitch some more and then I did something really stupid. Given that you only have so long to get teeth put back in after they are knocked out I took her back before knowing how she was going to pay me. One thing that I really hope she never finds out about though is that because of her behavior and the reputation that she has, I only did a half ass job when it came to working on her. Unfortunately for her, I was unable to get any of her teeth back in. I lied to her and simply told her that she did not arrive in time to get them put back in, that she would need implants. She grudgingly accepted this as the truth but there was one problem, she had no way of paying me so I decided to put her in chains and keep her until I was compensated. She was a special case, she acts like a stallion most of the time and is uglier than shit so the very thoughts of making her my little bitch utterly repulsed me, I figured that she was likely unfit to be a janitor so I did something quite funny. I cut one of her wings off without sedating her. I tell you, listening to her scream in agony was quite hilarious. What was even funnier was when she began to sob about never being able to become a Wonderbolt but I honestly don't give a shit. I put her in her place and that is what matters. Now unfortunately I didn't get any money out of her but I can always jack up Trixie's rent or overcharge a few ponies until I break even, so it's no biggie. The last time I saw her, she had not been able to get any implants and the reason for that is quite funny as well. I faxed every other dentist in Equestria and told them to not take her as a patient because she is a bum when it comes to her bills. With that being said, she is embarrassed in two ways, only having one wing and having an ugly smile. I bet she never tries to showboat again!
The Dazzlings (Not so much a rant, more of a situation)Adagio Dazzle While normally it is just a matter of one patient coming in at a time that annoys the hell out of me or really pisses me off, one time I had THREE. Three very annoying patients who had the strangest appearance. They looked like ponies but they had transparent wings and had personalities that I would find incompatible. I'm no counselor but how these three manage to get along is beyond me and how I managed to not strangle them is beyond me as well. Well I figured they must be some sort of gang because of their strange behavior and closeness. The first one I had to deal with was the one that seemed to take on the leader role among them, Adagio Dazzle. Well I took her back and when I looked in her mouth, her teeth seemed to resemble Sunset's, they were full of cavities. I shook my head and asked, "Adagio, what the hell have you been eating? Your teeth are in horrible shape." Well she went on to tell me about some parallel world and some mirror and suddenly it hit me. I studied a decent amount of history when I was in Celestia's school and I realized that these three could only be one thing, the sirens that Starswirl banished from our world so long ago. Of course I was not going to bring this up nor was I going to take them over to Twilight because if i have to, I can punish them much more severely. Well she was a lot like Discord, she would shake her head around and bite down on my instruments while I was fixing her teeth. I eventually became so pissed at her that I smacked her and gave her a concussion. This made my job much easier and I was able to get her cavities filled but I would not be happy when I took her back out front. She didn't have a single bit on her and when I asked her for her insurance card, she handed me a student ID for Canterlot High School. I got in her face and yelled, "What the hell is this?" Well she went on about how the students at that school get free health and dental care with their IDs where they live. I smacked her again and yelled, "Well you ain't in that other world anymore little girl." I sighed and realized that I would have to get compensation from her in some other way. I didn't like her attitude, she was a bitch and she wasn't all that attractive, so I figured that she would make a good temporary custodian. She didn't like the idea at first but when I told her I would cut her wings off if I had to, she quickly changed her tune. **************************************************************************************************************** Aria Blaze While I was busy discussing with Adagio how she would compensate me I heard the other two sirens talking and my my, the one with pigtails is a total bitch! Given the personality of the other siren though I could see why she would behave in such a manner. Unlike with Adagio though, I asked her if she had anyway to pay me. I don't know where the hell she got them but she did hand me a couple of bits. Yeah this was not nearly enough to pay for her visit but given her personality, I decided that she could work her debt off by being my new accounts receivable clerk. Hey, having a total bitch do that job gets ponies to pay their bills more quickly, right? Well I took her back and despite her being a total bitch the whole time, her teeth were in spectacular shape. Despite the good news and me only having to clean her teeth, she kept on bitching about it the whole time. While I wanted to smack that bitch into oblivion, I realized that if I was going to make her compensate me the way I wanted to, that I would have to be nice. After all, who would want to work for a complete asshole? Once I got her out front I handed her a job application form to fill out because I would have to have a record that she did actually apply for a job since my ultimate plan is to give her a paying position once she has paid off her debt. Despite her snarly "whatevers" and other bitching and complaining, I wanted the bitchiest individual I could find working for me and she was the best one for the job. **************************************************************************************************************** Sonata Dusk Well Aria sat down and began to fill out the job application while I took the third siren back. This one seemed to be a whole lot different than the others. In my studies I learned that the sirens Starswirl banished were evil, but this one didn't seem nearly as bad as the others. She seemed almost sweet, innocent and naive. On the way back I said, "Let me guess, you don't have anyway to pay either." She gave me a dorky little smile and said, "Uh, no." I replied, "Well I'll still see you but you'll have to compensate me in one way or another." She became very giddy and asked, "For realzies?" It was at this moment when I realized why Aria was being such a bitch to her, such a positive personality would get on anypony's nerves. I'm not saying it is all bad but in excessive amounts it would drive a pony to kill. When she opened her mouth I saw bits and pieces of hamburger, lettuce, cheese and taco shell stuck between her teeth. I asked, "I take it you got tacos before coming here." She giggled, "Yes! If there is one thing I could never get enough of, it is tacos!" I sighed, "I see. Well let's get to work here." Luckily for me she didn't have any cavities but she did have gingivitis, which might be a problem later down the road. Well with what I have planned for her, she will brush three times a day as will the other two and all those who have to compensate me over the long term. **************************************************************************************************************** My Plans Once I was finished with Sonata I took her out front and I decided the time to tell these three what my plans were for them since they could not pay me. I began, "Adagio Dazzle, you will be my janitor until you pay off your debt." I knew that these three would likely face some sort of punishment if I took them to any of the princesses so I decided I had to give them jobs. I continued, "Once you have paid off your debt, you will become my paid janitor. The pay is not great but it will be enough for you to make it, well somewhat." I turned to Aria and continued, "Aria, you will start work immediately as my accounts receivable clerk. Once you have paid off your debt, you will have a regular job. Your hours will be eight in the morning to five in the afternoon with a lunch break from twelve to one. Do not be late though, I harbor a pure hatred towards tardiness and I'm sure you don't want to face my wrath." She asked, "Oh and what if I am late, loser?" I smacked her and continued, "If you're late you little bitch I'll beat you like a rented mule and then haul your sorry ass over to Twilight's castle and she can deal with you." I glared at Adagio and continued, "Just as if you do a shitty job or don't show up, I'll do the same to you." That must have struck fear into the hearts of those two because they suddenly lost their attitudes and became more respectful. I then looked at Sonata and finished, "Sonata, the only job you will have is making me happy and tell you what, if you make me extra happy, I'll buy you a taco." She became beyond giddy, "For realzies? You'll get me a taco if I make you extra happy?" I replied, "Yes, I will." Now the three had nowhere to live and they did voice their concerns over that. Well I decided that I would just move Sonata in with me. After all, if she is to make me happy I want her available at all times. I also decided to move Trixie in with me as well since she has the same job. I had Aria and Adagio move into my rental where they would take over Trixie's lease and would cover the bills. Yes they protested and threw a fit but all I have to do is threaten them with hauling them over to Twilight and that quickly gets them back in line. In the end I learned that Aria was bitchy with bum patients and they paid their bills quicker. I learned that Adagio was a good janitor and my oh my is Sonata good in bed. All I have to do is tell her I will get her a taco and she puts Trixie to shame. One fun thing about her, yanking on that ponytail of her's while she's making me happy causes her to let out the cutest, sexist squeal. The best thing about her though, she is the most submissive little thing I have ever known, and the best love slaves are the most submissive.
Lord TirekMy next patient is kind of creepy, no let me rephrase that. He is incredibly creepy. When he came he was in this robe and I couldn't see his face. Not only did this piss me off, it made me feel a little bit nervous. While I have served other villains, I realized that this one had to be the worst of the worst. Now I have only seen Tirek in his huge, muscular form. I have never seen him in his scrawny form. I asked, "So what happened, Cerberus leave his post again?" He simply grunted and I figured whatever. I asked him how he was going to pay and he mumbled something I could not understand. I knew about his powers so I just took him back. In the event that he suddenly got strong enough he could steal magic again I wrapped him in enchanted chains. Well I looked into his mouth and my first thought was, what the hell could have caused his teeth to get this bad? What the hell could he have eaten in Tartarus to cause him to have five cavities. Well I glared at him and said, "Tirek, you have five cavities. What in the hell have you been eating in Tartarus." He finally decided to speak. In a raspy voice he replied, "Why should I tell a weak minded equine?" Weak minded equine? Weak minded equine? Oh boy, this really pissed me off. That pissed me off far more than Sunset did when she called me Minuette. For a brief moment I forgot who I was dealing with and began to beat him savagely. I beat him so badly that I knocked over half of his teeth out. "Oh shit!" I thought to myself. Suddenly I realized that when he gets enough strength to steal magic I would likely be his first target BUT no way in hell am I apologizing to some dumb fuck centaur. Us equines are the superior species after all! Well I began to work on him and luckily for both me and him, I was able to get his teeth put back in and got those cavities filled. Before unchaining him though, I began to wonder if perhaps there was a way I could actually disable his ability to steal magic. I remembered about what he did when he stole magic, a ball of energy formed between his horns. "A-Ha!" I thought, "I'll just rip those horns out for payment." I said to him, "Tirek, given that you have no way to pay me, you MUST compensate me in one way or another." I a snide tone he said, "I don't have to do anything, I am Tirek!" Now while I thought at first that ripping his horns off with a pair of pliers would be good, I realized that I must remove the entirety of both horns, so I gave him a sedative and decided to see how good of a surgeon I was. Well I got to work and when I had cut into his skull I saw nerves running from his brain into his horn. I realized this was my chance so I grabbed those nerves and the horn with my aura and ripped them out. Despite being unconscious he went into convulsions. I couldn't help but laugh, "Weak minded equines Tirek? How about "Pathetic dumb fuck centaurs!" Well I got to work on the other horn because I figured that he might be able to still steal magic even with just one horn. While I was getting ready to rip the other out, I accidentally tripped forward and rammed my horn into his brain. He again went into convulsions, only this time he let out one final sigh. I checked to see if he was breathing but he wasn't. I felt for a pulse but he had none. I thought to myself, "Did I kill him?" I became giddy when I realized that I did indeed kill him but I wasn't going to take any chances so I cut him open and removed his heart. There I stood, covered in blood when I saw Celestia walking down the street with Cerberus. I thought to myself, "Oh boy, Cerberus must be in trouble! I bet Celestia's taking him to the vet!" While I know murder is illegal in Equestria, I realized that this could be a golden opportunity for me. I took Tirek's corpse along with his heart and raced after Celestia. When I caught her she saw me covered in blood. She got a mortified look on her face and asked, "Colgate, why in Equestria are you covered in blood?" I proudly held up Tirek's corpse along with his heart and proudly stated, "I am covered in the blood of the worst villain ponykind has ever known. Never again will we have to worry about him stealing magic." She was stunned. She asked, "What? How in Equestria did you do that?" I proudly replied, "Well the bastard came in to see me but he had no way of paying me so I had to be compensated one way or another. With others it would have been forced labor or being sued but Tirek here was a special case, his life was all that would suffice." Celestia smiled and said, "Well Colgate, you have done Equestria well. You have saved us from any further attacks from the worst villain of all time." She gave me a huge grin and asked, "Colgate, what would you think about becoming an Alicorn princess?" Well I gladly accepted but under the conditions that I can stay in Ponyville and keep my practice. Nopony ever said she had to know about the sirens I am keeping under my hoof, especially Sonata given how much she keeps me happy. Luckily she let me keep my practice and stay in Ponyville so now Ponyville has a second princess, a much smarter princess, a much more down to earth princess and most important of all, a princess who actually works for a living! **************************************************************************************************************** Well Celestia transformed me and then held the coronation ceremony. Unlike Twilight's, it was a smaller, more simple ceremony here in Ponyville. After all, I'm not a wasteful bitch who has to have a fancy coronation. Holding those things ain't cheap after all and given that I have paid taxes into the system most of my life, I didn't think other ponies should have to pay for some fancy celebration. I stood there in front of an adoring crowd and my focus immediately shifted to Twilight. I thought to myself, "She may be a princess like me but I'm still her queen! Because of her crime of thinking that I would ever accept TiaCare, she will be my little bitch forever and there ain't a thing Tia can do about it!"
Queen ChrysalisWhile Discord was a new patient, there is one that has been a regular of mine, Queen Chrysalis. Now she is an extremely odd case as she always comes to me in the form of Princess Cadence. Of course this was always extremely confusing because Cadence is a patient of mine as well. I never knew which one she truly was until she took her own form in the back. One day though, she would do something that would really piss me off and how the hell she managed to do it without Princess Twilight coming over after her is beyond me. Get this, she brought her whole damn hive to get their teeth checked. Yep, you heard me right, her whole fucking hive. She comes over and leaves her "children" outside and tries to schedule an appointment for them but what she fails to realize is that I do have other patients. She began going ballistic over the fact that I would not be able to get all of them in for a month. While I knew that she can put ponies in a cocoon of ooze, I can hold my own against her and it helps that I can cast a protection bubble around myself so that ooze bounces right off of me. Of course this frustrated her when she couldn't immobilize me but eventually she realized that she would have to compromise after I burned her with some of my own energy. Eventually I decided to cut a deal with her before she destroyed my practice. I told her that IF she would pay for all the patients' appointments that I had to reschedule that I would schedule her drones right away. There was one problem though, not only did she not have the money to pay for the patients that I would have to inconvenience, she did not have the money to pay for her changelings' appointments either. Now naturally this pissed me off so I gave her an ultimatum, get me all the money she owes me within 24 hours or she would not like what I would do. Well the following morning she showed up with around 100,000 bits. Now how she got them, I don't care. What matters is that I got my money. While I did make a killing off of this, it took me three weeks working twelve hour days to get her whole hive taken care of. I suppose it is a good thing that they feed off of love as they had perfect teeth. I can only imagine how long it would have taken me if a large portion of them had cavities. I have decided though that I will no longer see her or her little rats because of this. It doesn't really matter though as I have heard that she is locked up in the dungeon in Canterlot while she is awaiting trial on multiple counts of armed robbery. What happened to her hive I'm not really sure of but I honestly don't give a fuck. I got my money and that is what matters. One good thing though, I was able to buy that house down the street so now I own a rental and I already have somepony living in it, somepony that used to be a foe of Twilight's and is now my newest and incredibly annoying patient.
