Maud and Captain Kirk go on a date.
The Only Chapter
Admiral Biscuit et al.
"Where should we. Eat?"
Maud shrugged.
"I could negotiate the best price on a meal. The . . ." Kirk looked up and down the Ponyville street. He didn't recognize any of the names. "What. is. CFK?"
"Canterlot Fried Cake." Maud sighed. "It is not very good."
"Applebucks?"
Maud colored slightly. "That is a strip club."
"Oh." Kirk tugged at his collar. "I suppose Juicy Peaches is, as well?"
"No, that is a pie company." Maud pointed her hoof up the street. "How about there?"
William Shatner nodded.
Five minutes later
"Welcome to the Hard Rock Cafe. My name is Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart and I'll be your waitress tonight." She set two glassses down on the table. "What can I start you off with?"
"The check."
"I'll have a plate of oysters and she'll have a glass of wine. Red wine. Shaken, not stirred."
"May I have a small glass for Boulder?"
"Sure!" The waitress snapped her gum flounced off. Kirk watched her flouncing until Maud cleared her throat.
"So what is it you do, Maud?" Kirk leaned over the table. "I am. Interested in your interests?"
"I am earning my roctorate in rock science. In my free time I write poems about rocks and play hide-and-seek with Boulder. What do you do for a living?"
"I am a. Starship captain."
"Mm-hm. That sounds interesting." Maud slid back and let Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart set the glass of wine on her side of the table and the oysters on Kirk's side. "Your oysters look like rocks, but they are not."
She took the second glass that the waitress had given her, poured a few drams of her wine into it, and then set Boulder in the glass. "I am ready to order now, miss. I would like a plain salad."
"I'll have the cheeseburger with bacon and a Coke."
"Mmh." Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart. "Don't have Coke products."
"Pepsi?"
"Nope."
"RC?"
"Nope. All we have is Apple-brand Apple-themed beverages."
"She had wine!"
"It is apple flavor." Maud took a sip. "It is good. Boulder likes it."
"Fine." Shatner crossed his arms. "I'll have a Budwiser. That's made by horses, isn't it?"
"Sure is." The waitress finished scribbling down their order, and sashayed off to the kitchen. Kirk watched her until Maud cleared her throat.
"Your shirt is rather frock-like." Maud touched her own frock. "Frocks are very comfortale."
"Oh, yes. Although I'd rather not be wearing it right now, if you know what I mean."
"I was going to have a small frock made for Boulder." She lifted him out of the wineglass and set him on the table. A pool of wine began spreading around him. "He usually prefers to go out au natureal."
"It's more natural. So, would you like to come back to my cabin?"
"We haven't even had dinner yet."
"Oh." Shatner looked around for the waitress but she was nowhere to be found. "I'm running out of small-talk. Usually, I spend more time convincing the woman that I'm a starship captain and less time getting into her pants."
"I am not wearing pants. Just the frock."
"I noticed. Is that a thing here? Would I fit in better if I took off my pants?"
Maud shrugged. "If it makes you happy."
Kirk leaned down under the table. "I could just—"
Maud flicked her ears. "Oh look, dinner is here."
"Alright, guys! American-style Cheeseburger with bacon and cheese. And a plain salad."
"Excuse me, miss, I ordered the plain salad."
"You did?" Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart scrunched her nose and squinted down at the notepad she was holding in her mouth. While she did that, Kirk serriptitiously wiped her saliva off the plates. "Oh, guess you did. My bad."
She leaned down, grabbed the plates in her mouth, and switched them. "Enjoy, ya two."
Maud nodded and dug into her salad. Kirk picked up his burger.
"Why is it women always want to eat plant food?"
"Hmm?" Maud looked up at him, a stray leaf of lettuce stuck to her muzzle.
"I am going to enjoy this burger." He took a huge bite, chewed once, dropped the burger, looked down at Maud, and reluctantly swallowed what was in his mouth, with the assistance of his Budwiser.
"What is. THAT?"
"Hayburger."
"Hayburger?"
"Two hay patties, hay sauce, hay lettuce, hay cheese, hay pickles, and hay onions on a sesame seed bun. And hay bacon, since you ordered it that way."
"And this? Is it hay-Budwiser?"
"Apple. . . . Would you like some of my salad?"
"Oh God no." Shatner looked at his burger. "Why does mine have hay lettuce on it, while you get normal lettuce?"
"Marketing." Maud slid her plate over to Boulder. "Would you like some salad?"
"And what were those oysters?"
Maud raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want to know?"
"No." Shatner watched her in silence as she finished her salad. "Excuse me, can we get the check?"
"Of course!" Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart strutted over to their table and set the check on the table. Kirk watched as her strutting back to the kitchen until Maud cleared her throat.
He tucked his Federation credit card into the faux-leather holder, and looked lovingly into Maud's eyes. "What would you like to do after dinner? Do you want to come to the park and see my rocket?"
Maud raised an eyebrow.
"It's cloaked right now, but I'd be happy to reveal it to you."
Maud raised her other eyebrow.
"Or we could catch a movie?" He tugged at his collar. "Do you have a movie theatre?"
"Yes. They are showing Ethyl the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying. I have already seen it." She picked Boulder up off the table and put him in her pocket. "I would like to see your ship."
Kirk nodded.
Five minutes later
"There it is."
"It's so big."
Kirk nodded. "Would you like to come inside? See my cabin?"
"Sure."
Shatner clicked his remote, and the boarding ramp lowered in a cloud of steam. "After you."
Once they were inside, Kirh hung a do-not-disturb sign on the boarding ramp and led Maud through the twisting corridors and pointless pneumatic doors until they finally reached his cabin.
He watched lavaciously as she pulled the frock over her head, neatly folded it, and climbed into bed.
Five to eight seconds later.
"That's it?"
Maud nodded and climbed out of bed.
The end.
Author's Note
Live from Bronycon, another crackship sets sail.
