Chapters Jonah Hex in A Fistful of Apples
Applejack was an orange earth pony with a yellow mane who almost never went anywhere without her rugged brown brimmed hat. More than that, she was the bearer of one of the six elements of harmony, the Element of Honesty, as somehow represented by the three red apples on her flank. None of this was of any concern to her at the present moment, as she wearily trotted through a seemingly endless desert full of cacti and tumbleweeds. Applejack’s tongue hung out of her slack-jawed mouth as she panted and sweat soaked her fur. The sun beamed down on her mercilessly and she gave a worried gulp as two buzzards began circling overhead.
Applejack had been to the desert near Appleoosa before, but for some reason this one felt much more threatening. In fact, she had the strangest feeling that she wasn’t even in Equestria. Then where was she? Some barren desert that she had no memory of traveling to and that she was about to pointlessly die in. Applejack knew that the end was near when all four of her knees buckled under her and she collapsed face first in the dust. She closed her eyes in exhaustion, wondering if she would ever open them again.
Applejack woke up with a painful gasp as she began coughing and sputtering. Somepony or something was shoving her muzzle into a puddle of water.
“Drink you danged horse, drink! You ain’t no good to me dead!” shouted a harsh, twangy, and unfamiliar voice.
Applejack instinctively bucked behind her, flinging whoever it was into the dust.
“Damned horse, you nearly broke my legs!” the voice complained, “Are you aimin’ for a whippin’?!”
Once Applejack was again aware of her surroundings, she noticed the large puddle of rainwater beneath her that somepony had apparently tried to drown her in. She spun around on her back hooves to face her attacker. A strange, bipedal figure was keeled over on the ground, trying to stand. The figure slowly managed to stand up and Applejack gasped and drew back at the sight of a tall and fearsome human.
The man had stringy grey hair and wore a tattered grey hat similar to Applejack’s. He also wore an even more worn grey wool overcoat and faded breeches. His feet were clad in spurred brown boots but his most noticeable feature was the torn and melted skin on the left side of his face that left a gaping hole where part of his lip should be, revealing much of the teeth in his jaw. His left eye also appeared damaged, bulging, and slightly out of place.
“Whatchu lookin’ at girl?” the man said in the same gruff manner, “Ain’t never seen a saddle bum before?”
Applejack continued to stare, trying to come with the words that would make sense of her situation.
“Who am I kiddin’, yer just a stupid horse.” the man commented, “Ain’t like you can speak anyway.”
“What in tarnation are you?” was all Applejack could muster.
The man glared for a few moments as the strange horse’s words fell on his ears. He then retrieved a metal flask from underneath his coat and threw it on the ground.
“Whiskey must be goin’ to mah head.” he assumed, “Now I’m hearin’ talkin’ horses.”
“I can talk!” Applejack insisted, “Now why in Celestia’s name were yah tryin’ to shove mah face into that puddle?!”
“What’d they put in that whiskey anyway, peyote?” the man wondered, “Ain’t no way I’m hearin’ this right.”
“What’r you talkin’ about, fella?” Applejack continued, “Ain’t y’all gonna answer me?”
“If this really is the peyote talkin’, I hope it ends soon.” the man responded, “I cain’t be ridin’ Balaam’s donkey into town.”
“Answer me already, stranger!” Applejack demanded, “Who are you and where the heck am I?!”
“Name’s Jonah Hex.” the man relented, “And yer about a good ten miles south of Applewood, South Dakota.”
“Jonah Hex?” Applejack repeated, “I’m supposin’ yer a human? I thought human folk were just a myth.”
“An’ I thought talkin’ critters was just a myth.” Hex replied, “Reckon that makes us both wrong.”
“Now why were you shovin’ mah face into a puddle?” Applejack asked again.
“Ah was tryin ta get ya to take a drink.” Hex explained, “Guess the old sayin’ really is true. Anyways, I found ya half dead with tha buzzards about ta pick yah clean. Had to drag yer carcass at least three miles before it started ta rain. Now yer gonna return tha favor.”
“Whadda ya mean by that, stranger?” Applejack asked with a sneer.
“Ah mean ahI’m gonna ride ya inta town and yer not gonna give me any trouble about it on account a the fact ah saved yer sorry hide.” Hex said, “An’ don’t start flappin’ yer yap to the townsfolk unless ya want somebody ta shoot ya or sell ya to tha circus.”
“Hold on there, partner.” Applejack argued, “Ah’ve read a thing or two about humans. Tha stories say that you folks are a good bit bigger than us little ponies. Why ah should only come up just past yer knee.”
“Ya look plenty big enough ta me.” Hex said.
Applejack took a good look at Hex and noticed that they were about at eye level. In fact, she was a good bit bigger than him. Either the stories were wrong or she had somehow ended up place that had magically increased her scale. Worse still, kindness dictated that since Hex had indeed saved her life, it was only fair that she help him. Applejack begrudgingly scraped the dust with her hoof and literally swallowed her pride with a gulp. Hex grabbed a small leather saddle he had also been carrying and strapped it to Applejack’s back.
“Ah reckon ah owe ya one fer savin’ me, but ah ain’t yer pet neither.” Applejack warned, “As soon as we get inta town, ah’m findin’ a way back home.”
“An’ just where is home, little lady?” Hex asked as he climbed on top of her.
Applejack groaned in discomfort at the human’s added weight and almost started bucking but relented with a heavy sigh.
“Ah live in a place called Equestria, but ah still don’t know how ah got here, much less how tah get back home.” Applejack explained.
“You do realize that ‘equestrian’ means ‘horse-ridin’, don’t ya?” Hex commented with a chuckle, “If that don’t beat all.”
“Where’s mah hat?!” Applejack suddenly demanded, “Don’t tell me yah left it in tha desert?!”
“Not tah worry, little lady.” Hex said as he procured Applejack’s crumpled up hat from underneath the saddle, “Ah figured it belonged to yer previous owner.”
“Ah ain’t got no previous owner!” Applejack asserted, “Ah’m mah own pony. And yah better not’ve ruined mah good hat!”
“Here yah go, little darlin’.” Hex said as he placed the hat between Applejack’s ears, “But there is one more thing.”
Hex retrieved a leather bridle from under the saddle and strapped it over the orange pony’s jaw. Applejack made muffled protests as he extended the bridle into a band that made up the reigns. Applejack was fit to be tied and started bucking until Hex stroked her mane.
“Now listen girl, wha’d ah tell you.” the human explained, “Ya cain’t be flappin yer yap or y’ull just cause trouble fer both of us. It has tah look all proper with me ridin’ ya inta town like a regular horse. Now jus’ calm down an ah’ll turn you lose as soon as we get tah town. Understand?”
Applejack relented and began reluctantly trotting wherever Hex directed her with a tug of the reins. She didn’t really trust him; much less the fact that he had muffled her mouth, but so far he was the only one to turn to, and somepony (or somehuman) that went out of their way to save somepony’s life couldn’t be all bad. But still, there was one nagging question bothering her that Hex hadn’t given her time to ask.
Jonah Hex in A Fistful of Apples
About four miles into their journey, a light rain began to spread, creating a few more puddles. Both the pony and the human were grateful for the rainfall. Hex unbridled Applejack and both of them opened their mouths wide and gulped in the rainwater. Applejack lapped up as many puddles as she could find and Hex filled up his canteen. Once Applejack had satisfied her thirst, she took it upon herself to ask the question that had bothered her since she first laid eyes on Jonah Hex.
“Hey there, sugarcube.” she began, “Ah don’t mean innithin’ by this, but what happened to yer face?”
Hex gave the pony a death glare that made her shudder.
“Cut mahself shavin’.” he said, “What’s yer excuse?”
Applejack scrapped the ground with her hoof and blushed.
Hex and Applejack said nothing the rest of the journey, Applejack because she had no choice, and Hex because he hated how so many people inevitably asked him about his deformity. Much of the time he was of the mood to knock their teeth in. Hex had already avenged himself of the man that had scarred him, but it didn’t mean that the scars weren’t still there, body and mind.
About near the ten mile point, just as Hex saw Applewood ahead, a cavalry group of about twenty Union soldiers on horseback rode up to him. At the head of the cavalry was a black man with a large beard wearing an officer’s uniform.
“Company! Halt!” the lead officer ordered.
The team of horses were reigned in, leaving a cloud of dust behind them.
“Colonel Marcus Freeman, 3rd Infantry Regiment.” the lead officer announced, “State your name, stranger.”
“Jonah Hex.” Hex replied, “What’s it to ya?”
“The town head is deserted.” Col. Freeman explained, “Not a single soul present, living or dead. I assume you came into town to trade?”
“Somethin’ like that.” Hex replied, “So tha whole town walked out on ya?”
“They may be in the mine past the town.” Freeman suggested, “We’re about to scope it out. Is there any chance you would join us, stranger?”
“Tha name’s Hex.” Hex repeated, “An’ ah don’t exactly aim ta help ya scurry round some old mine, boy.”
“What did you call me?” Freeman demanded in a flash of anger.
“Called ya ‘boy’, boy.” Hex continued, “Ah call alotta people boy, an some’ve em er white.”
Upon hearing this, Freeman trotted up to Hex and shoved him off of Applejack. Hex tumbled to the ground and Applejack made a muffled shout of concern.
Hex gave off rasp laughter as he picked himself up and dusted himself off.
“Don’t get yer dandy in a ruff, colonel.” Hex said, “Ah didn’t mean anythin’ by it, it’s just that it weren’t too long ago we found ourselves on opposite sides of tha battlefield, and ya know what they say, old habits die hard.”
“I’ve already seen enough dying for one lifetime, Hex.” Freeman warned, “Mock me again and I’ll strike you with my sabre.”
“You had better rustle on out of here, you half-faced freak.” another soldier commented, making his own horse step forward.
“At ease, Sgt. Jarvis.” Freeman ordered, “I’ll give him one last chance.”
Sgt. Jarvis was a white man with black hair and graying sideburns. He wore an eyepatch over his left eye socket, the same place where Hex’s own eye bulged. Hex had an impulse to stab him for the insult but then figured he deserved it.
Hex climbed back onto Applejack as the soldiers began galloping away. He lightly tapped the orange pony’s side with his spur in an attempt to have her keep up. Applejack still had half a mind to buck him but eventually broke into a gallop of her own. The soldiers stopped and dismounted at Applewood and Hex did the same.
The town was indeed abandoned, but it didn’t seem that long ago. Half-eaten meals dry rotted on the tables and half-empty bottles of liquor were spilled. What caught the eye of everyone present were two dried husks found in jars at the saloon counter of what appeared to be giant spiders. They were slightly bigger than a man’s hand and sort of tannish-white in color. One soldier broke open a jar and held the dead creature in his hand. It had a long tail protruding from where its abdomen should have been.
“Some kind of spider.” the soldier said.
“Ain’t no spider with a tail that I’ve ever heard of.” another soldier commented.
“A scorpion maybe?” yet another one said.
Jonah Hex’s curiosity got the best of him as he grabbed the creature out of the man’s hand and examined it.
“This here ain’t no scorpion.” Hex said as he took a bowie knife from his boot and cut into the creature’s skin.
“Ahh!” Hex screamed, “Consarn it!”
The half-faced freak was forced to drop the dead creature as drops of green liquid fell on his hand and corroded his flesh.
“Whiskey! Whiskey!” Hex demanded and another soldier handed him an open bottle.
Hex poured the whiskey on his hand and he couldn’t tell the burn of the liquor from the burn of the creature’s acid blood. He wrapped his hand in a cloth from the bar and drank until the pain started to dull. He then looked as the “spider” fell through a hole in the floor made by its own blood.
“That ain’t no spider.” a soldier added.
By this time, Applejack had already wandered away from the humans, wondering how she was ever going to return to her own world. She struggled to yank the bridle away from her face with her hooves, succeeding only when she carefully looped it around an old nail jutting out from an outside wall. The bridle snapped in two and she yelped as it stung her face. Applejack rubbed her face in pain and trotted over to a nearby trough. She lapped up as much water as she could stand and decided to give the humans a piece of her mind. She headed back over to the saloon when she heard a familiar voice whisper her name.
“Applejack! Applejack!” the voice said in a whispered shout, “Come over here! Quick!”
Applejack turned to follow the voice and made her way over to the town stable. She trotted into one of the stalls where she could barely make out a yellow pile of fur hiding under the hay.
“Apple Bloom, is that you, sugarcube?” Applejack wondered, scarcely believing her eyes.
“Shh! Don’t let the monsters hear!” Apple Bloom warned as she peeked out from underneath the hay.
Apple Bloom was a small yellow filly with a red mane, who usually wore a large pink ribbon, but in this case it was missing and her fur was matted and dirty. Apple Bloom was also Applejack’s younger sister, and Applejack could scarcely control herself from giving a shout. Apple Bloom put a hoof over her older sister’s mouth and Applejack gently put it down.
“What in tarnation are ya doin’ here, sis?” Applejack whispered.
“How ‘bout I ask you tha same question?” Apple Bloom replied.
“Ah have no idea how ah got here.” Applejack explained, “Tha last thing that I can remember is that ah was at Sweet Apple Acres and then there was this fuzzy white light...”
“Same here, do ya think we’re dead, sis?” Apple Bloom wondered.
“Now don’t go sayin’ an awful thing like that.” Applejack scolded, “If we we’re dead, ya reckon we’d get sent ta some desert full a humans?”
“What if it’s Tartarus?” Apple Bloom suggested.
“Ain’t no kinda Tartarus I’ve ever heard of that has humans.” Applejack said, “Besides, I don’t feel dead, and a figure if we were dead, then we’d know it.”
“Ah guess yer right, sis.” Apple Bloom said, “But ah have seen monsters around, and I don’t mean just humans.”
“Did any a those humans hurt you, Apple Bloom?” Applejack asked, “I’ll buck ‘em into next week, if they did!”
“Some little human fillies started grabbin’ me and one of ‘em took mah ribbon.” Apple Bloom explained, “Ah ran away, but then tha big ones started chasin’ me. Ah hid out in this barn an tha humans stopped chasin’ me cause some of ‘em started goin’ missin’ or somethin’. Pretty soon all of ‘em ran away.”
“Do you know what made ‘em run away?” Applejack wondered.
“Not exactly, I don’t think.” Apple Bloom said, “I kept overhearin’ stories about monsters and ah think ah saw one once. Ah saw a dark blur run by an’ then tha humans kept leavin’ an that’s all ah know.”
“I’m gonna get us outta here. C’mon.” Applejack said.
“Hold it!” a voice from behind the two ponies demanded.
The two sisters turned around to face a soldier aiming a rifle at them.
“I ain’t never seen talkin’ horses before, but I bet y’all got somethin’ to do with why everyone’s gone.” the soldier said, “Maybe I can sell ya ta Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show and make a fortune! Now come quietly so I don’t have ta shoot ya.”
“Run Apple Bloom, run!!” Applejack ordered as she quickly bucked the soldier unconscious and sprinted away.
The two sisters galloped out of town but were soon routed by the cavalry. The soldiers aimed their rifles at the ponies and Col. Freeman stepped off his horse.
“I don’t know exactly what you two are, be you horse, monster, angel, or demon.” Freeman announced, “But I have the strangest feeling that you have something to do with why the town left so you have no choice but to accompany us to the mine. I will give you the chance to explain yourself.”
“Now look here mister.” Applejack said, “We don’t mean to cause trouble and we have no idea how we got here in the first place. Ah don’t really wanna follow y’all anywhere, but ah reckon ah probly oughta look at that mine an’ hope ah find a way back home. But if y’all so much as lay a hoof on mah sister, there’s gonna be trouble.”
“You have my word as an officer that neither of you will be harmed.” Freeman assured, “Do I make myself clear, men?”
The men grumbled among themselves, having had enough unexplainable nonsense for one day.
“Do I make myself clear?!” Freeman repeated.
“Yes, sir!!” the soldiers shouted in unison.
“Company! Move out!!” Freeman ordered.
Applejack and Apple Bloom galloped with the rest of the horses as fast as their hooves could carry them.
Jonah Hex in A Fistful of Apples
The company reached the mine in good time and found the entrance to be a fairly narrow shaft carved into the base of a cliff and supported by wooden beams. Col. Freeman urged his horse to trot right up to the entrance but the horse turned its head and whinnied loudly. Freeman continued to kick the horse with his boot spurs but it started to buck up and nearly dismounted him. The horses of his men gradually repeated this action until the cavalry was all but turned around.
“Somethin’s got them horses spooked.” Jonah Hex said wryly.
“Might it be better to go in on foot?” Sgt. Jarvis suggested.
“Half the men stay here and watch the horses.” Col. Freeman ordered, “Sergeant, you’re in charge of them. The half of you that aren’t cowards will follow me on foot. The Confederate saddle bum and the two horse-shaped abominations must follow as well.”
“I ain’t tha kind ta take orders from Yankees.” Hex said.
“Perhaps not, but you are outnumbered and outgunned.” Freeman replied.
“Point taken...fer tha time bein, at least.” Hex relented.
“Applejack, I really dun wanna go in that cave.” Apple Bloom fretted, quivering with fear, “I think there’s somethin’ really bad in there, sis.”
“Sorry, lil’ sis, but I dun think we have much of a choice in tha matter.” Applejack confessed, “Just stay behind me, I’ll protect ya.”
“Ok-kay, Ap-applejack...I t-trust ya...” Apple Bloom managed to sputter.
A soldier urged the two ponies forward at gunpoint as Freeman rounded up Hex and half of the men to follow him. The trek into the mine was uneventful and crowded for the first twenty minutes. The sunlight from the entrance grew dimmer and gave way to a larger section that lead into two dividing sections of mine cart rail. One of those sections gave off an unnatural green luminesce.
“The source of the town’s disturbance is in all likelihood the source of this green lantern.” Freeman surmised, “We move forward.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Hex said.
As the men and ponies pressed on, the cavern walls became more and more heavily secreted with a viscous fluid and the green light became brighter and brighter.
“I have a bad feelin’ about this.” Applejack couldn’t help but say.
All too swiftly, the men and ponies reached the large middle section of the tunnel where large piles of dynamite and TNT lay on opposite sides of the blasting wall. However, near the rear of the cave, dozens upon dozens of townsfolk lay glued and cocooned against the wall, all with gaping holes in their chests with burst hearts and split-open ribcages. The faces of the corpses had bloodshot eyes and open mouths frozen in a silent scream.
Almost everyone present developed a churning in their stomach and more than a few of the men, not to mention Applejack and Apple Bloom, threw up at the gruesome site. Freeman and Hex maintained their composure but strongly began considering turning back.
“I gotta drain mah lizard, folks.” Hex commented, “Too much whiskey, ya see.”
Freeman groaned in irritation as Hex hid behind a cubby in the rock and did his business. Hex’s attempt at humor did little to ease the men’s spirits.
One soldier shifted over to a dark greenish mass that appeared to be in the shape of three eggs.
“Is this tha thing that did that to ‘em?” he wondered, poking the eggs with his rifle.
The soldier screamed as a one of the “spiders” as seen in the saloon, latched onto his face. The soldier tugged in vain as the facehugger shoved its tail down his throat. The man fell to the ground, shaking violently before he fell into a deep sleep.
Before the other soldiers had time to respond, more facehuggers leapt from their eggs and latched onto them. The few remaining soldiers raised their rifles and began shooting at the dark blurs running across the walls. Bloodcurdling screams echoed through the cavern as the blurs revealed themselves as large, vaguely humanoid creatures with black exoskeletons and protruding jaws dripping with saliva.
“They’re comin’ outta tha walls!” one soldier screamed before he was impaled by one creature’s prehensile tail.
Blood spurted from the man’s mouth as the creature pulled back its tail and the man collapsed to the floor. The creatures avoided attacking the men who had already been sedated by the facehuggers.
“Run, everypony, RUN!!” Applejack screamed in terror.
Apple Bloom shrieked in abject horror and galloped after her sister away from the creatures. Hex had managed to retrieve the six-shooter from around his gunbelt and frantically began shooting at the creatures as fast as he could draw. The creatures made guttural shrieks as they were shot and corrosive green blood spurted from their wounds. Hex shielded himself with his coat as the acid blood ate holes in it.
One creature opened its jaws wide and leapt straight at Hex only to be brought down with a swift stroke of a cavalry sabre against its neck. The corrosive blood split the blade in half and Freeman frowned as he sheathed the remaining half of his sword.
“Still reckon this was a good ider, colonel?” Hex commented.
“Still reckon that Pickett’s Charge was a good idea, rebel?” Freeman replied.
“Never said that it was.” Hex answered.
Freeman, Hex, and two other survivors followed the two ponies into another section of the mine where the mine cart rail lead away from the creatures. Applejack struggled to push Apple Bloom up into one of the mine carts and bucked the cart down the track. Applejack started to gallop after the cart but Hex suddenly grabbed her.
“You’d better get in the cart with us if you wanna save yer hide, darlin’.” he chided.
“But I gotta save Apple Bloom!” Applejack protested, “She’s in tha other cart! She’s mah sister!”
“Yer sister, eh?” Hex surmised, “I guess you can’t really fit in the cart anyway.”
Freeman, Hex, and the two soldiers scrambled to fit in a nearby second cart and Applejack dutifully bucked them on their way. She galloped after the humans frantically as the creatures climbed the tunnel overhead.
“Hurry up, darlin’!” Hex shouted, “They’re movin’ in close!”
“Tha name is Applejack, sugarcube!” she protested.
“Tha name is Hex, horsey!” he insisted.
Hex again drew his gun and managed to shoot one of the creatures right through the brain just as it lashed out at Applejack. Both mine carts toppled over as they went too fast on a curve. Apple Bloom skidded across the ground and the four humans collapsed on top of each other. Each man tried to regain his composure but Applejack barreled right through them. She embraced her sister and they cried into each other’s legs.
“Not to stop this sweet lil’ family reunion but those varmits are still on our tail.” Hex warned.
“Stack one cart on top of another.” Freeman advised, “We’ll form a barricade.”
“It won’t hold up long.” Hex said.
“It’ll buy us a little time.” Freeman answered.
The four men picked up their cart and placed it against the narrowest section of tunnel they could find. They then placed the second cart on top of the first. They had trapped themselves inside a small curve that lead to a pile of dynamite resting against a yet to be blasted section of wall.
“No food. Not much water. Barely any light.” Hex commented, “Monsters on one side ready to eat us alive. The other side over here could blow us all ta kingdom come.”
“Thank you for improving morale.” Freeman said, taking a swig from his own canteen.
“And worst of all, no womenfolk.” Hex concluded, swiping Freeman’s canteen, “Well, maybe some womenfolk...”
Hex gave Applejack a sly look as he drank Freeman’s water. Applejack chuckled nervously and backed away.
“Get your own water, Johnny Reb!” Freeman ordered as he took back his canteen.
“Ya know, I been thinkin’.” Hex pondered, “I’m guessin’ that you wanted me to come out here so you could scapegoat me for whatever happened in town.”
“I’ve never seen you in my life, before today.” Freeman said, “What gives you that idea?”
“I don’t reckon that a man of yer stature doesn’t know a good scapegoat when he sees one.” Hex explained, “I’m supposin’ you thought that the townsfolk were holed up in this mine hidin’ from armed bandits. You pin me as a captured bandit and the townsfolk stop frettin’. I was actually after a bounty myself, Jake “the Snake” Curtis. Jake might’ve well run half the town into this mine, but I reckon the other half went after ‘em and they all got killed by these monsters. Where’s yer plan, now?”
“I’m not sure.” Freeman replied, “Do you have any other ideas than insulting, accusing, and stealing from me?”
“As a matter a fact, I do.” Hex said with a laugh, “I take a match and blow up this here wall.”
“You’ll kill us all, you lunatic!” one soldier spoke up.
“Half-faced Johnny Reb nut!” the other soldier agreed.
“We blow the wall without killin’ ourselves and we all get out.” Hex advised, “But that’s tha real trick. Tha best we can do is hide under these carts and hope we aren’t crushed to death. But if anyone else wants to be ripped apart by tha monsters...”
“Do it!” Freeman relented.
The four men and two ponies tried their best to squeeze in under the carts. Every so often, the passing snarl or swipe from a creature made them cringe. Hex slipped a matchbox out from under his sleeve and struck one against the side of the cart. He held it under his palm and struggled to light the entire matchbox. The other matches soon caught on fire and he threw the entire box as close to the nearest fuse as he could. The fuse sparked up and the six survivors all huddled together and shielded their ears.
The ensuing explosion rattled the ground and temporarily blinded and deafened them. Rocks fell all around them and one man screamed as his exposed leg was crushed by a boulder. The scream fell on deaf ears as all anyone could hear was constant ringing. They tried to speak to each other but all they could do was lift up the side of the cart and struggle to crawl between the boulders. A narrow gap had been created that lead into another section of tunnel. One by one, everyone except the injured man carefully squeezed themselves into the gap and out the other side.
“Please, no, you can’t leave me here to die...” the wounded man begged.
“You’ll only slow us down, son.” Hex said.
“That’s my decision to make!” Freeman asserted, “Never leave a man behind.”
“We could sever his leg and drag ‘im.” Hex suggested.
“We have no choice.” Freeman agreed.
Hex and Freeman squeezed back through the other side. Hex placed the handle of his bowie knife between the man’s teeth and retrieved a small flask of what little whiskey he had left. The man spit out the knife and drank the whiskey and then Hex put the knife back in place. Freeman lifted the remaining half of his sabre and Hex almost gave a look of regret.
“This is gonna hurt son, I’m sorry ta say.” he lamented.
The soldier screamed through gritted teeth as Freeman hacked away at the man’s leg right below the knee. The man struggled to hold back his tears but was reduced to a blubbering mess as his leg was reduced to a bloody stump. Freeman and Hex cauterized the wound by cutting off the man’s pants leg and wrapping it as a tourniquet. They lifted the man onto their shoulders and pried him back through the gap almost like a game of tug-of-war.
Once all six individuals had made it to the other side of the collapsed tunnel they examined their surroundings and their jaws dropped in horror, wondering if they would have been better off blowing themselves up.
Jonah Hex in A Fistful of Apples
“It’s too late!!” Applejack screamed as she fell into the dust, expecting to be consumed in the explosion.
Hex embraced the pony as everyone hunkered down, prepared for the worst. For the briefest of moments, Applejack felt an extreme heat that felt like it was melting the flesh from her bones. She then felt some type of strange twitch and then a cold wind on her back. Applejack looked around and saw the same group of men outside the same hole, except it was nightfall, the dark sky filled with stars.
“How in Celestia’s name?” Applejack wondered, seeing that no one had been hurt by the bomb.
“We’re alive!!” Hex shouted, hugging Applejack again and kissing her with the half of his lips still attached to his face.
Applejack blushed and drew back. The human and pony looked at each other in embarrassment and then looked away.
“What are you doin’, sis?” asked the familiar voice of a filly.
“Apple Bloom!!” Applejack shouted, hugging her sister, now free from the facehugger’s grasp.
“Sure is a starry night, tonight.” Hex noted.
“Sure is.” Applejack agreed.
Apple Bloom then felt a sharp pain in her chest and fell over. Applejack’s face sunk in horror as her little sister clutched her ribs with her hooves and shrieked in anguish. Apple Bloom’s ribcage exploded in a rain of bones, blood, and fur as a snake-like chestburster popped out from between her organs and hissed.
Applejack barely had time to think before the entire world seemed to fade around her and she found herself in a cold metal room with walls made of some kind of strange glowing grid.
“APPLE BLOOM!!” she called out, hearing nothing but the shout of her own voice.
Applejack’s tears bounced against the metal floor and a clean-shaven man with brown hair clad a red shirt and black pants appeared in front of her. The shirt had some kind of odd triangular symbol that the pony didn’t recognize.
“Did you enjoy your little cowboy adventure?” the man spoke up in an all too familiar voice.
“Discord!!” Applejack shouted, “Ah’d know that voice anywhere! What have you done with mah sister?! Where’s Apple Bloom?! Answer me!!”
“First of all, I’m not Discord.” the man said, “At least, not exactly. The closest approximation of my name that you can understand is simply Q. It would be easy to think of me as the Discord of another world.”
“Where am I?! Where’s everypony else?! How did ah even get here?!” Applejack continued.
“Your sister was never really there. She was merely a physical manifestation of your own memories.” Q explained.
“That dudn’t make tha least lick a’ sense!” Applejack said, “I oughta buck you inta next year!”
“Now, now no need to resort to violence.” Q chided, “Didn’t you learn anything about the magic of friendship?”
“What in tarnation was I supposed ta learn?!” Applejack screamed through tears of rage, “I watched mah sister die right in fronta me! She exploded into lil’ bits!!”
“Your sister is perfectly fine.” Q assured her, “She has no memory of what you saw because she was never really there. This was all merely a hologram. Some sort of time-place displacement dumped you into an error-ridden scenario where Jonah Hex had to fight a group of xenomorphs.”
“So yer sure Apple Bloom is alright?” Applejack asked, wiping her eyes with her hoof.
“I can send you back and make it so none of this ever happened.” Q explained, “I’ll play with the timey-wimey ball, erase your memories, and you’ll be back on the farm none the wiser.”
“I don’t want you messin’ with mah head no more.” Applejack, “An ah don’t wanna end up back here, neither.”
“Once the continuum error is corrected, there’s a good 95% chance you’ll never be shifted across dimensions again.” Q assured her.
“Jus’ send me back!” Applejack demanded, “But don’t be playin’ with mah memories or nuthin’, got it?!”
“Perfectly.” Q said as he snapped his fingers.
Applejack saw a brief flash of light and then found herself back at Sweet Apple Acres.
“Apple Bloom! Apple Bloom!!” she called out, “Where are yah?!!”
“Ah’m right here, sis.” Apple Bloom said, trotting up to her.
“You’re alive! Thank Celestia, you’re alive!!” Applejack said, starting to weep again, “I’ll never lose you again!!”
“Applejack, what are yah talkin’ about?” Apple Bloom wondered, “Ah’ve been here tha whole time.”
“Ya mean, you don’t remember bein’ in tha desert, gettin’ attacked by humans, and then you...” Applejack began.
“Yer actin’ kinda weird, sis. Is somethin’ wrong?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Nothin’s wrong, Apple Bloom.” Applejack said, still weeping, “Ever’pony’s jus’ fine.”
Jonah Hex in A Fistful of Apples
A massive creature, much larger in size than any of the others, was chained to some kind of unearthly contraption that was the source of the green glow. Some kind of luminescent crystal provided energy to the contraption and produced a charge that induced the creature’s womb to secrete eggs.
“I’m startin’ ta figure that this here’s a giant anthill.” Hex observed, “Those monster things are tha ants, this here’s tha queen, an we’re tha food.”
“Sweet Celestia...” Applejack declared, “An here ah thought tha changelin’s were bad.”
The queen roared and snarled at the survivors and Apple Bloom hid behind her sister, quivering in fear.
“I wanna go home!” the filly blurted, bursting into tears.
“I wanna go home too, sugarcube.” Applejack agreed.
The queen roared again and Apple Bloom darted off in a panic.
“Sis! Wait! We gotta stick together!” Applejack called out as she ran after her.
Apple Bloom ran smack into a group of eggs, causing a facehugger to latch itself onto her face. The filly ran around in circles, making muffled screams and scraping at the creature with her hooves before succumbing to sedation.
“APPLE BLOOM!!” Applejack screamed in agony, trying in vain to pry the facehugger from her sister.
“Hex! HEX!!” she yelled, “You gotta help her! You gotta do somethin’!”
“There’s nothin’ I can do.” Hex admitted, “If you cut into one a’ them things, it’ll spew some kinda slime ever’where that’ull eat right through yer flesh.”
“No!! NO!!” Applejack pleaded, “That cain’t be! That just cain’t be!!”
Applejack hugged Apple Bloom as tightly as she could and cried into her fur. Jonah Hex scratched the back of his head and sighed when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He drew his six-shooter at young and rugged looking man in a blue shirt and hat who appeared out of nowhere. The man had a livid scar running from his jaw to where he was missing half an ear.
“Jake the Snake Curtis!!” Hex called out, “I’d know that scar anywhere since I’m tha one that put it on ya!”
Curtis rubbed his scar as if trying to remember and then gave Hex an odd look.
“Have we met before, stranger?” Curtis asked.
“Damn straight we met, almost two years ago, down in El Paso.” Hex recalled, “I found ya beatin’ on some Mexican girl, so then I beat some sense into you.”
“None of that’s important anymore.” Curtis remarked, “What only matters now is the glory of the hunt. The glory of the hunt.”
“What are you babbelin’ about?” Hex demanded, “What tha hell are you doin’ here, anyway?”
“We have come here for the hunt.” Curtis continued, “Humans are a sport enough prey, but you make better breeders for these superior prey, these xenomorphs.”
“You better start makin’ sense real fast.” Hex said, clicking back the hammer of his revolver.
“You’ve lasted a good bit longer than some of your fellow humans.” Curtis replied, “I wonder how much longer you can keep it up.”
“I don’t know why yer talkin’ like some kinda city boy hopped up on cactus juice, but since your posters say dead or alive, I’m aimin’ for dead.” Hex decided.
Jonah Hex fired two shots right into Jake Curtis’ torso, but instead of bleeding, Curtis seemed to flash with electricity until he disappeared and before them stood a very tall and very different humanoid creature with smooth brownish skin, wearing netting, metal shoulder armor with a laser cannon strapped to one shoulder, and its face covered by a metallic mask. Jake Curtis was merely a holographic disguise.
“I’ve haid just about enough of this. Fire! FIRE!!” Hex ordered and ended up firing his last shot out of six into the creature.
The one soldier who was not loaded his rifle as Col. Freeman drew his own revolver. Freeman fired three shots and by this time the echo of the cavern was dulling their hearing. The armored creature stumbled back as green blood oozed from its bullet wounds. It clutched its torso as it moved forward, charging its laser cannon. Hex saw three red dots of light aimed near his forehead and he instinctively jumped out of the way. The laser blast shot into the wall of rock and a large beam of sunlight shined through the hole.
“That might be our way out!” Freeman advised.
The tall creature continued to move toward Hex, only slightly slowed down by its wounds, as it extended a bladed spear in its hand and raised it to strike the bounty hunter. Freeman fired his remaining shots into the creature’s torso and it finally collapsed to the ground.
“Is it dead?” Freeman wondered.
“I doubt it.” Hex said.
More hissing and snarling from the queen xenomorph drew the men’s attention away from the other creature. The men looked on in horror as the queen began to break loose from her chains and free herself from her ovipositor.
“Climb up toward the sunlight!” Hex ordered as he attempted to do so himself.
The hole made by the laser cannon was too high up for any one man to reach so Hex grabbed the injured soldier who had been unconscious for some time and tried to push him up into the light.
“Freeman! Help!!” Hex shouted.
Freeman tried his best to ignore the advancing queen as he helped lift the injured man and push him into the light. The injured man awoke with a groan as he plopped into the dust on the other side and tried to hobble away.
“You next, I reckon.” Hex said as he tried to lift Freeman on his shoulders.
The other soldier dutifully ran over and helped Hex push his superior officer to relative safety.
“Applejack!!” Hex called out, “Git yer horse rear over here!”
“There ain’t no point.” Applejack said, “I don’t wanna live without Apple Bloom.”
“We ain’t got time fer that tripe, girl!” Hex scolded, taking Apple Bloom into his arms.
Applejack wiped her tears and helped prop up Apple Bloom. The little filly was soon over the side. The xenomorph queen finally shook free from her bonds and raised her tail to strike Applejack. At the same time, the tall predator creature managed to stand up and take off his mask.
Applejack gasped at the sight of the predator’s yellow eyes and four tusks. The predator let off a vicious snarl and ran toward the pony, only to be impaled in the path of the queen xenomorph’s tail. The predator vomited green blood from his mouth and reached for a device on his wrist. He gave some kind of victorious rasping laughter as he typed in a code and a digital countdown began.
“What in tarnation is that?” Applejack wondered.
“Somethin’ bad I reckon.” Hex guessed.
Applejack let Hex stand on her back, but groaned from the pain of his weight before he managed to climb over. He struggled to pull Applejack up by her front hooves but found her too heavy.
“Help!!” he called out to the others.
Freeman and his uninjured soldier all struggled to help Hex pull Applejack from the hole. Applejack sprang off of her hind legs and leapt out of the hole just as the predator’s bomb timer ran down.
