Average Joe's New life.

by Kuroy

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Cheerilee, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 4604

Average Joe has left Canterlot for peace and quiet. He moved to Ponyville...

Seeking a quiet life of Peaceful tranquility and wholesome living. Above Average Joe sets his sights on Ponyville.

Did I mention peace and tranquility?

Oh we know how that is in Ponyville.

Published 2015-08-10 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-16 21:08:12 UTC

Train Ride to Freedom

Every once in awhile in Equestria a pony is born whose destiny pushes the boundaries of what is possible; Musical savants, powerful mages, and even the princesses themselves. These ponies were watched and adored by all, cataloged in the annals of time, but there are a select few who are never noticed…

Those ponies that caused innovation, invention, and the every day things that most ponies would never think of and would never be remembered for.

Those ponies that push the boundaries in more subtle ways learned of one another. They came together and formed a clan that lasted throughout the generations hidden by modesty and a humble and contented lifestyle. This clan is known know by the name…

Clan Joe.

The landscape few by as the train, ever timely, sped towards Ponyville. Celestia’s sun was casting a warm glow of oranges and reds as it slowly approached the horizon. This warm light was spread through the train and onto a blue traveler. He was nodding off. The warmth of the sun, the plush seats, and the smell of the wood paneling all were leaving him in a drowsy state.

He laid his head on the window frame and saw Canterlot in the far off distance. Canterlot had been many things for the young unicorn. It had been a home. He learned everything he could from Celestia’s academy for gifted unicorns. There was a fortune of memories for him there and countless opportunities.

That was the problem.

Above Average Joe, had indeed been a gifted unicorn and his talent had made him the center of attention.

He received his cutie mark a little earlier than most and it had happened during a very unusual time for the young colt. During a meeting with his homeroom professor and his parents on the topic of his grades it had happened. He had a life changing revelation, as most cutie marks are known to cause.

His grades where all…Above average, but the professor believed he could do better if he tried. His grades where B+ across the board, he had shown a number of “so so” talents, and seemed to be decently good at just about everything.

Thinking back on his teacher’s words little Joe realized his special talent was, magically like his namesake, to be above average. At that realization a B+ found itself upon his flank, forever changing his life.

Now Joe, having grown up in a city of forward thinking unicorns, had come across a problem. His talent drew the attention of nobility and nobility had an interesting way of using other ponies to elevate themselves in both social and monetary standards. Many had realized with a talent like his he could be used to topple business empires just by pointing him in the right direction. A pony whose talent is to be better than other ponies is the pony they wanted making them more and more wealthy.

Above Average Joe himself, did not care for such things. It had been the calling card of all in clan Joe to be modest and wanting of a simple life of success, hiding their talent in plain sight while still avoiding nobility.

However, being a double-edged sword, his talent garnered him an above average amount of attention and he in turn was noticed.

He had never wanted any of this, and he had spent the last couple of months fighting lawsuits from nobles trying to blackmail him into working for them. Thankfully for him the nobility was a tight-pursed group and only hired the average lawyer.

Faced with the scum of Canterlot the young stallion chose to flee to Ponyville. His grandfather had left him clan Joe’s Ponyville estate.

He had never been there, but Average Joe was excited to be out of the crowds and corruption of Canterlot. He mused and daydreamed of what it would be like.

The train whistle blew a loud shrill tone, shocking said stallion sufficiently. Lurching back as the breaks slowed the train, Joe realized he had arrived at his destination. It was only about an hour before sunset, which caused the stallion some worry. Cursing himself for not taking an earlier train he focused on retrieving his luggage.

Not one to be sentimental in the cramped confines of Canterlot, Joe didn’t have much. Just a large duffle with some necessities and a picture of his family, wrapped in a scarf his mother had made for him. Though it was autumn his mother insisted that winters in Ponyville could be “downright chilly, especially winter wrap-up”.

Levitating his duffle in his magic he made his way off of the train and into Ponyville proper. The instructions he had been given said his grandfather’s estate was located near the Golden Oaks library, just east of the train station.

Smiling, Joe started trotting away from the setting sun and towards the rising moon. Awesome, I’m going to live near a library. Donut said that Princess Twilight lived there too and she was a “down to earth” sort of Princess. With no court no less! That means no nobles, no plotting, and no pressure. I’ll just be an Average Joe. That is a good name and it’s inconspicuous.

Unknown to the daydreaming “Average” pony a bush was following him a few paces back.

That’s right I could be a new pony. I can be who I want to be and not who I have to be or what anypony expects me to be. “Nothing can go wrong.”

“Of course not, you have only just got here.” Said the bush in a high-pitched voice.

“That’s exactly right! This won’t be like last time. I’ll have all my ducks in a row!”

Triumphant and confident Joe did not realize he had just spoken to a bush that had been following him for the better part of ten minutes.

“You put your ducks in a row? Why not a circle? NO WAIT!! A semi-circle with two ducks off to the right and then it would look like a smile.”

Joe stopped. Something didn’t feel right. His average senses where tingling fiercely. It was like he was missing something that should be obvious.

He turned around and spotted the bush…

In the middle of the cobblestone street…

Directly in the path he had just walked…

He sidestepped left. The bush followed. Raising and eyebrow and squinting the alternate eye Joe gave the bush and incredulous look. Feeling courageous he stuck his head in the bush until his muzzle hit something soft.

Lifting his head from the foliage the soft pressure on the end of his snoot followed him until he was face to face with what could only be describe as the bluest eyes he could ever see. Being this close aside from her eyes all he could see was a vista of pink.

Suddenly those happy blue eyes became lidded and sultry.

“See something you like?”

Author's Note

HA New story. Lets Try this again.

!!!Wild Pinkie Appears!!!

That lidded stare was something Joe was all too familiar with.

Canterlot, being a big city full of mares and a preverbal mad house during heat season, had taught Joe one simple life lesson.

Run.

His hooves beat the path digging into the stones in the street. The clacking of hooves hitting rock echoing through the still evening air.

But, he hadn’t made progress.

Joe stopped and turned around to see the cute pink mare smiling unabashed at him. It was more like a sly grin, but excitement was alight in her blue eyes.

She was pink with a darker pink mane. Her mane was and explosion of curls. Three balloons where her cutie mark and they rested on a plump, but pleasing to the eye, flank. The pink mare had one hoof pinning his sea foam green tail to the ground. His progress all for naught.

Slowly realizing escape was inevitable, and his tail needed a trim, Joe gathered his courage and spoke.

“Gah blah haaamm.”

Or he tried to.

He was a nervous wreck. Lets call it PTMD. Post Traumatic Mare Disorder, he is usually fine around mares, but when excited or startled his brain just shuts down.

“No silly. My name is Pinkie Pie. Are you new to Ponyville? I’m sure you are because I don’t know you and I know everypony in Ponyville. So what’s your name?”

“Joe.” He replied hesitantly.

Pinkie’s eyes lit up at the name.

“Are you related to Pony Joe who runs the donut shop in Canterlot?”

Donut Pony Joe was indeed his cousin who had spoke fondly about the elements of harmony and boasted about having princesses in his shop.

Joe coughed and cleared his throat. His nerves had finally calmed a bit.

“Yeah, Pony Joe is my cousin. We call him Donut. Pony is his middle name. My name is Average Joe.”

Pinkie gasped.

“That’s AWESOME. So is Average your middle name too?”

The young stallion cringed inwardly. He didn’t want ponies to have high expectations of him like they did at Canterlot. This was his chance at a fresh start. And he would be cursed if he let it go to waste.

“Uhmm, yes! My first name iss. um aaah… REALLY!! Really Average Joe.”

“Oh My GOSH! That’s Really AWESOME. And look at that moon!”

*GASP*

The moon had, in fact, made steady progress during their conversation and Joe’s musings and was almost halfway in the sky

“Oh Joe its way to late to show you around. How about I show you around Ponyville tomorrow. The Cakes have a guest bedroom that I’m sure they would let you use.”

Joe pondered, it was a nice gesture, and it might help him on some leads for a job here in Ponyville.

“Sure Pinkie, I’d love it.”

Joe felt like this was a good sign, but something nagged in the back of his mind. Like he was forgetting something. He remembered, feeling foalish for forgetting.

“Hey Pinkie Pie.”

“Yeperoni?”

“You know everyone in Ponyville right.”

“APSOPOSITIVILY!”

“Do you know where the old Joe Estate is?”

Pinkie put a hoof to her chin and puzzled upon the peculiarly perplexing problem. Like a light bulb going off her face lit up.

“Oh you mean Old Joe’s house. Is that where you’re staying?”

“Well yes, that’s where I’m going to be living from now on. Can you show me how to get there so I can settle in?”

“I sure can, it’s getting reaaaaally dark out and I wouldn’t want you wandering the streets all lost.”

Joe lit his horn; casting a small ball of light above the two as Pinkie lead him to his home. Along the way Pinkie pointed at houses and named ponies that lived in them and talked about little events and parties she had thrown for them. Pinkie seemed to know everything about everyone. Their birthdays, their anniversaries, their special talents.

The sheer knowledge Pinkie had blown Joe away. Then she started with questions. How old Joe was, when his birthday was, his favorite flavor of cupcake. Joe did his best to answer them all, but eventually between the great time they where having, trotting and talking. They arrived at their destination.

Joe wished he hadn’t.

The “estate”

was…

Well the best way to describe it was “a bunch of termites holding hands.”

Two story, three bedroom, two bathroom sitting on two acres with six acres of farmland behind it. That is what the deed said. What the deed hadn’t said was that the paint had worn off long ago exposing the wood, which now cracked in places.

The lack of shutters or glass in the windows made the house look like an angry monster and the patch work of ceramic shingles make the house stand out against the normally thatched roofed Ponyville homes.

Pinkie Pie and Average Joe where unnerved to say the least.

“WellgoodluckwithyournewhomeseeyoutomorrowBYE!”

And like a flash of pink lightning Joe was left alone to deal with his new monster home.

“Ponyfeathers.”

Feeling skittish Joe pulled out his key and walked up to the house. Just as he was about to put the key into the keyhole the door fell into the house. He glared at the door for making him look foalish. He stomped into the house making sure to hit the door especially hard.

The house was spooky. Spider webs were everywhere, he was greeted by a stairway, and a long hallway. He noticed an odd crystal on the wall and a line of metal that lead to other crystals throughout the hallway. It took Joe a second but he realized it was a magical switch for the lighting. In Canterlot, most homes had a detect spell to turn on the lighting, this house had the older version of magical lighting where one would have to charge the room with light first.

Extending his magic along the metal pathways he decided to light the whole house. It took a lot of effort to push his magic throughout the house but his efforts where well rewarded.

Instead of creepy the house looked rather homely, if not still aged. Old nicknacks where nailed to the wall near the door. Joe recognized some of them, and old egg beater, a cheese grater, a washboard, then there where some things so rusted and ancient that he had no idea what their original purpose was.

A doorway immediately to the right before the hallway showed a bare living room with a fireplace in the corner. Dusty, faded pictures decorated the mantle.

Joe went down the hallway. On the right where ancient pictures of family and on the end was the entrance to the kitchen. The left side of the hallway was two rows of empty bookshelves. Joe was pleased to see he already had a space to start filling with books. He liked to read. Across from the kitchen door was the first floor bathroom and in between them was a closet.

It was pleasant enough on the inside so Joe headed upstairs. He decided he would spend the night in the room next to the upstairs bathroom, which was at the top of the stairs. After the long trip and the meeting with Pinkie Pie, Joe was worn out. Not caring that the mattress was bare, he fluffed his duffle and used it as a pillow and was soon sound to sleep.

Author's Note

CHEEKY DOOR, I SHALL BE YOUR DOWNFALL. Or gravity.

Innocence Lost

“AAAAHH NO MY INNOCENCE!!!” Jolting awake, and promptly falling off his bed face first, Joe grumbled in pain.

The poor stallion had been dreaming about the time when his young Prench instructor took it upon herself to give him the talk of the birds and the bees.

While normally traumatizing this experience had been expounded upon when she tried to give the young colt of fifteen a “hooves-on” example. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who you ask, Joe managed at that moment to perfect the teleportation spell he had been trying to do all week.

The teleport to the bathroom had been a fortuitous breakthrough for him. It had given him an outlet for his post teleport nausea and privacy to deal with his “teenage condition.”

The floor however was a cruel mistress. It was also dusty and Joe feared he snorted a spider up his nose upon landing.

Grime and possible nasal arachnids aside Joe arose from the floor. Snuffling and sneezing he realized his new home was going to be a real joy to clean.

Before he could collect his thoughts on the subject there was loud pounding coming from downstairs.

He exited his room and proceeded to head downstairs.

Around three-fourths down all the planets aligned in perfect order, this orderly even made a “non-specific” god of chaos sneeze in attempts to restore balance to the universe.

The one perfectly good stair among the staircase broke.

It was very fortunate for Joe that he had just stepped on said stair.

Or unfortunate, chaos and lady luck are both fickle individuals.

Joe rolled fast and hard down the stairs. His momentum carried him over the still floored door. Said door, if it were alive and seeking revenge for being stomped on, would be elated. Joe’s rump hit the knob and the sky blue stallion went for a face first flight. He closed his eyes for what would be no doubt a rough landing.

Lady luck smiled.

Joe landed on something soft. He felt with his hooves. Whatever he had landed on was also fluffy and warm. Daring to see he cracked his eyes open.

A familiar sight of blue in a vista of pink greeted him; this time the pink had a reddish tinge.

“Pinkie?”

For once the pink mare, who had ceased to be silent upon their first meeting, was the one clamming up.

A light bulb went off inside Joe’s head and he looked to the position they where in and of course the placement of his hooves upon her flank.

Nothing about this situation seemed appropriate…

Quite awkward silence.

Meanwhile a lord of chaos realized he hadn’t done enough if the pink glow of Mercury was any indication and with a snap of his paw more chaos spread across the world.

Above Average Joe, doing his part, remained perfectly still as a small spider exited his nose on a silk strand and landed daintily upon the young mare’s muzzle.

Pinkie’s eyes went cross in her attempt to see her new nose neighbor. She smiled and softly whispered.

“Hi, little spider. I know you have lots to do, but I’m in the middle of an awkward scene transition.”

With a nod, said spider made a web parachute and with a gentle blow from Pinkie began his own marvelous journey into the unknown.

A tale for another time.

Joe rolled off the party pony muttering apologies and cursing a door that had gotten fresh with him. Finally the flustered stallion managed to focus on the real question.

“Pinkie, It is nice to see you. What brings you by?”

“Oh right, I just finished the early morning rush with Mr. and Mrs. Cake and was wondering if you still would like that tour of Ponyville.”

“I would really love that Pinkie and again sorry about grabbing your flanks.”

The party pony positioned herself where her flushed face could not be seen. “Its fine silly billy just don’t make it a habit without buying me dinner first.”

The last part didn’t register in Joe’s mind, having been pondering where he needed to go next and not about how supple and nice Pinkie’s flanks had felt.

“Donut had mentioned the new castle. I’d like to see that eventually, but first I would like to visit the library and maybe find some home improvement manuals.”

“Awesome, let’s head to Twilight’s castle.”

Joe paused quizzically.

“But Pinkie I wanted to go to the library.”

Without pause Pinkie replied,

“It exploded, Twilight has dedicated the castle’s library for the public use.”

“So…the library…Exploded?”

“Yeah, it was during Twilight’s epic battle with lord Tirek. That’s also why there are no mountains over there.” Pinkie did not motion in any direction.

Joe being curious couldn’t stop, “Over where?”

Instantly face to face with an all to serious pink pony there was only one word.

“Exactly.”

The dumbfounded stallion was starting to regret his curiosity. Did all questions in Ponyville lead to more questions or was this just when dealing with Pinkie. He was none to eager to find out.

After a short trot he finally spotted the castle.

“How did I miss that?” The castle was a huge crystal tree house slash castle slash, HOW THE HELL?

Musings aside the castle seemed to be missing something that Joe was so used to seeing in Canterlot. He just couldn’t put his hoof on it.

Brushing the feeling aside he and Pinkie made their way inside. Pinkie was yelling for someone named Spike and was met with a return call further down the hallway.

They finally made their way to where the sound had originated. The library, apparently, was enormous. While mostly empty the shelves extended to three floors. The room itself was large and circular and could easily be mistaken for the whole trunk of the tree-castle.

In the center of the room was a large table littered and piled with books, scrolls, and other studying paraphernalia and in the center of it all in a large red loveseat sat the

Princess of Friendship,

Alicorn of magic,

Twilight Mother bucking Sparkle.

Author's Note

Note: Updates will be slow and small as I am a horrible writer, also if you dislike my spacing do some pull up with your thumbs. We are gonna do some Power scrolling.

Slice of day.

Joe stood there in the doorway to the library while Pinkie Pie pronked her way towards Twilight.

“TWILIGHT!”

The surprised, studious librarian turned princess, tore her gaze from the ancient tome she was reading and smiled at Pinkie.

“Hey, Pinkie. What brings you by?”

“A. New. PONY!!! His name is Really Average Joe.

He showed up in Ponyville last night so I gave him the nighttime tour and now that it’s daylight I’m giving him the daylight tour.

He wanted to check out some home improvement manuals and I was like Yay, 'let’s go to Twilight’s castle',

but then he was like ‘what about the library,’

and I was like ‘gone with the mountains’.

Then he said ‘what mountains’ and I said

‘EXACTLY’.”

After finally breathing in Pinkie beamed a smile. Twilight knew better than to question Pinkie’s lung capacity, though Joe was starting to think she had an extra set of lungs. After soaking in all of what Pinkie had to say Twilight turned to Joe, still in the doorway, standing thirty feet away.

“Um. Could you come here? I don’t like yelling in libraries.”

The distracted stallion scrambled up to the table Twilight was sitting at. A warm blush of embarrassment for being awkward spreading across his face, he bowed.

For the second time today his face was met with dust and dirt on the shiny crystal floor.

“Princess Twilight, I am happy to meet you.”

He got up, a dirty spot upon his muzzle. Normally with a blue coat, it was hard to tell when Joe was dirty, but this spot was nice and dark and nearly a perfect circle.

Joe began telling Twilight his story. Twilight only heard part of it. She was a distracted princess. The spot on Joe’s face was sending alarming implications.

MY FLOORS ARE THAT DIRTY

What am I going to do?

What if Princess Celestia finds out?

Worries kept abounding anew in the alicorn’s head. All notions that were, of course, overly dramatic and improbable. Until one phrase snapped her from her panic.

“I was hoping to find a job in Ponyville cleaning.”

“Cleaning..

Cleaning…

Cleaning….”

Pinkie echoed the word into the background.

“THAT’S IT!” Exclaimed Twilight. She cantered around the table until she was face to face with Joe. He backed up hesitantly.

“Joe. How would you like to be my serva-I mean. How would you like to have a janitorial position here at my castle?”

A strained smile spread across Twilight’s muzzle.

Joe looked at Twilight,

then the floor,

then Twilight,

then at the spaciousness of just the library,

then Pinkie with a pair of Gauncho Glasses…

Pushing that last image aside Joe looked the young Alicorn in the eye. Sure it was a big castle, but once it was clean it should stay clean for a while with little bit of maintenance. But still it would be a lot for one pony.

“Would I be the only one working here?”

“Of course not. You would have Spike to help you out ever once and awhile. I will also probably looking into hiring some more ponies to work here at the castle. So what do you say?”

Hearing that he wouldn’t be the only pony working there for long gave Joe some relief. It was easy money and he felt lucky that he could find a job so soon.

“I would love to Princess Twilight.”

“Please, call me Twilight. We can get the details of your payment and you benefits lined out later. Could you start this weekend?”

“Sure I don’t see why not.”

Now financially secure, and missing a certain pink pony, Joe found a home improvement book. And started to make his way out to the market. Thankfully Pinkie had shown it to him the night before so finding it was fairly easy.

Ponyville, for its size was an active community, and it only took Joe a little asking around to find the things he needed. He didn’t have much in the way of bits right now so a trip to the hardware store was not an option, but he did manage to get himself some groceries to last him until the weekend.

After gathering said groceries, and a pillow for his bed, Joe headed home. It was only noon, but Joe knew it was going to take all day to clean up the house.

The first thing that struck Joe as odd as he was arriving home was the door.

That horrible door.

In defiance it had forsaken its place on the ground and was upright again.

Joe shook his head at the thought. The door isn’t alive Joe. Someone must have been neighborly and fixed it. It was a concept that gladdened Joe and with a smile he strolled over to enter his home.

He stopped short of the door giving it a wary glare.

The ancient door seemed to loom over Joe. Like an eldritch creature or like…

It was falling.

‘It is falling.’

As the heavy oak door fell on Joe pinning him to the floor his only thought was of fire.

Sweet.

Glorious.

Fire.

Gathering his wits, and plotting the demise of the dense, dented, and dutifully devious doorway, Joe levitated the offending entrance device and placed it to the side.

Brushing himself off with his magic he made is way inside.

He felt the blast before he heard it.

Party cannons are not gentle.

“SURPRISE!!”

Joe, now dangling by some streamers on the chandelier, was amazed to see Pinkie and what seemed to be the whole of Ponyville in his home.

His home, which was now spotless and cobweb free, was decorated for a party. A pegasus with a rainbow mane helped Joe down.

“Welcome to Ponyville. I am Rainbow Dash. Resident weather captain and soon to be Wonderbolt.”

Dash spoke with an arrogant confidence, but Joe didn’t mind. She at least had been the first to help. Without missing a beat Pinkie was upon Joe, introducing him to everyone in Ponyville.

There was cake, there were games, and thankfully there was a cleanup crew. Joe enjoyed himself and after partying the afternoon away. Finally after everything was cleaned up and everypony else was gone he turned to Pinkie.

“Thanks again Pinkie. You sure know how to make a new pony feel welcomed.”

“Your welcome. Don’t be a stranger. And feel free to get friendly.”

Pinkie whispered the last sentence seductively with a wink and a grin causing Joe to blush.

There were not many things that Joe could not do.

And managing not to stare at Pinkie’s flanks as she sauntered away was one of them.

Author's Note

Woot CHAPTER UPDATE. LOOK AT ALL THOSE DOWNVOTES,

DISCORD WOULD BE PROUD.