By Blood

by GodOfBBQ

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3621

We all know Celestia is royalty and royal blood can be almost anywhere nowadays. But who knew her blood could be found in a slob who's addicted to women, the New York Giants, and the bands Foreigner, Boston and Loverboy

Celestia's family tree is a large one. Given her royal blood, she has many family members, some she knows of, and others she's never met before. One day she is curious and decides to cast a spell that would find her furthest relative and bring said relative to her. Unfortunately, that relative turned out to be the foul mouthed, perverted pig of a man named Carl Brutananadilewski.

Published 2015-08-15 20:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-15 20:50:02 UTC

So What, I'm Royalty or Somethin'?

By Blood
By. GodOfBBQ

With no meetings or any royal business to attend to, Celestia and Luna; the sister rulers of Equestria, were left with literally, nothing to do. While the two royal sisters were particularly bored on days like these, they enjoyed what leisure time they had. These were the days when they could let their hair down, relax, and act themselves instead of the wise and mighty sisters of power and royalty they were known for.

These days were also the days when Celestia and Luna could talk to one another. Really get into a conversation and have really deep talks about life and other various subjects. Today’s topic wasn’t anything new, but the sisters haven’t talked about it a lot. Less than somepony would think really.

The day was cloudy and cool. Rain would dribble and tap against the glass windows of Luna and Celestia’s private study every so often. The study itself wasn’t known about by the common citizen of Canterlot. Only the princesses, their servants and the guards knew of this room. The study was an escape for the sisters, a special room for them to relax and act as themselves.

The two alicorn sisters sat together, books in each of their hooves. Celestia read a cheesy romance novel, while Luna read an adventure novel.

“Luna…” Celestia called calmly.

“Yes sister?” Luna answered.

“Have you ever wondered about our family?”

“What do you mean sister?” Luna asked. She folded a corner of the page she was reading and closed her book. Luna then turned to her sister, a confused expression across her face.

“I mean, we’re royalty and nowadays, almost anypony could have a royal background. I’m just wondering if there’s a cousin we know nothing about. What if there was an uncle we never knew? What if we have more brothers and sisters?” Celestia went on and on about with her questions and Luna couldn’t care less. It’s not like she didn’t listen to her sister, but she couldn’t care less if there were a brother or sister she never knew about.

“Well sister, I’d suggest that we’re the only royal siblings in Equestria. Mother and father wanted to keep the balance when we were born, so I’m sure they wouldn’t have another child without us knowing.” Luna reasoned.

“Well yes of course, when mother and father planned for us they wanted our relationship to be as equal and balanced as the sun and the moon.”

“Yes, equal and balanced.” Luna said sarcastically.

“Oh hush, you know I regret sending you to the moon!” Celestia argued.

“I know, I just like to hold you to it every now and then sister. I find it entertaining.” Luna said, a smirk plastered on her face. Celestia playfully pushed Luna away and the two chuckled.

“But now I’m curious. If there’s an undiscovered cousin of ours I want to meet him or her immediately!” Celestia demanded.

“What if there’s more than one?” Luna asked.

“Then all of them!”

“Okay, but do you know how difficult that would be? We’d have to give everypony in Equestria and beyond a DNA test. If we’re lucky, we’ll find one very distant cousin.” Luna reasoned.

“Who said anything about our world alone?” Celestia asked, a devilish smile making up at least 78% of her face.

“What are you getting at sister? You’re making the face, and the face means you’re up to something!” Luna said with a worried tone. Celestia’s horn began to glow, and a book from a random shelf made its way to the two sisters. Celestia grabbed the book with her hooves and opened it. She flipped through the pages until she found the page she wanted.

“Ah ha! Here it is!” Celestia cheered in victory.

“Where what is sister?” Luna asked, still weary of what Celestia may be conjuring up.

“I’m going to transport the furthest relative in our family to us! So we can meet him or her!”

“Or it sister! It could be an it!” Luna warned.

“And we will not judge dear sister. Even if it’s a slime ball from, Mother knows where, we’ll still accept it as family!” Celestia said happily.

“I’m not fully invested in this plot of yours dear sister, but, I cannot argue that I too am curious.” Luna agreed.

“See, I knew you’d warm up to the idea!” Celestia said, victory in her voice.

“I didn’t say I’ve warmed up to it! I said I’m curious!” Luna corrected. Celestia simply shrugged.

“Same difference.” With that, her horn began to glow and sparkle with it’s golden hue. It didn’t take long for the whole room to glow bright. Alarming the guards who stood near the doors. Once the light had calmed down and it was dim enough to enter without getting any eye problems, the guards charged in. However, they weren’t met with two princesses in distress, or something completely different.

The two guards on duty were met with two princesses, the defonitions of beauty and majesty, with horrified and overly exaggerated facial expressions depicting disgust and shock.

In the center of the room, was what appeared to be an overweight, hairy, bald creature wearing sweatpants and a tank top, a gold chain around it’s neck to top it all off.

The guards only got a look of the creature’s back, but they assumed this creature was a hideous one. Just the sound of its voice was enough to establish that theory.

“What the hell- What the crap are you things!?”

Horrified, Luna and Celestia continued to stare at the creature before them. If the guards behind this, thing thought they were getting an eye full already, they didn’t know what Luna and Celestia mentally went through seeing this thing’s face.

The large creature was hairy on his arms and chest. Yet he lacked a great amount of hair on the top of his head. The creature stood in an angry, annoyed pose. Both his hands propped on his hips, a thick mustache accompanied with a permanent scowl covered his face.

“What the hell you freaks lookin’ at? Where am I?” The creature exclaimed angrily.

“Uh… Is that the blob dear sister?” Luna whispered to her sister who was currently still frozen in time. Poor Celestia couldn’t stop staring into the creature’s, beady black eyes. Celestia finally regained control and shook her head free from her hypnosis.

“Hello, creature. My name is Princess Celestia, and this Luna, Princess of Night.” Celestia introduced. The creature stood idle, still in the same pose.

“Celestia and Luna? Princesses? You two look like a bunch a ponies! So what I’m in fairytale land now? Alright my name is Skippy McFuckpants! Of Diamond Panty falls!” The creature exclaimed sarcastically. However, Luna failed to recognize sarcasm and actually believed the creature.

“We welcome you from Panty Falls McFuckpants!” Celestia placed her hoof on her face and sighed.

“Sister, I believe he was being sarcastic.” Celestia said.

“You can’t blame me! You still need to teach me the difference between seriousness and sarcasm!” Luna blamed.

“I’m gonna let you horse freaks keep arguing who is more retarded than the other, I’ll just find my own way back home.” The creature turned towards the doors where the guards stood. Almost instantly, the guards began to gag and heave at the sight of this creature.

“Oh Mother! It’s like a cross between a bear and a weird frog!” One of the guards complained.

“Yeah and you’re a prissy pony. Step aside Buckaroo” The creature shoved the guard aside as he made his way out of the small room. The guard looked extra disappointed.

“What’s wrong with you Private?” The other guard called out.

“My name’s actually Buckaroo…”

The two royal sisters dashed past the two guards and caught up with the slow walking creature.

“In all seriousness, what is your real name?” Celestia asked as she walked along with the creature.

“Carl.” He answered sternly.

“Okay, Carl. Now believe it or not… We’re related.” Celestia confessed. Carl stopped dead in his tracks and went back to his default standing position with hands resting on his hips.

“Excuse me White Horse? Are you sayin’ I’m related to an animal?” Carl asked.

“Um, first off, rude. Second, yes you are related to me, and my sister here.” Celestia said, gesturing to Luna who stood next to her.

“I swear to god if this is another one of those freaks’ problems, I will be so pissed!” Carl grumbled to himself.

“Excuse me? Carl, what are you saying underneath your breath?” Luna asked.

“None of your business Blue Horse!” Carl shouted. His voice echoed and boomed down the hall.

“Sister I think we need to have a sit down with Carl here and explain everything to him. Wouldn’t you agree?” Celestia asked as she turned to Luna.

“I agree dear sister.” Luna replied. Leaving Carl to wonder what they were planning.

~***~

It was already early evening when Carl first arrived, so Luna and Celestia decided to converse and explain to Carl over dinner.

“Sgt. Hefty, take Carl to the guest bedroom. Tell him to be ready for dinner in two hours. We’ll meet him in the dining room.” Celestia ordered as she pointed the guard to Carl who stood in the exact same position from ten minutes ago.

“Yes your highness! Sir, please follow me.” Sgt. Hefty said as he looked up at Carl who chuckled. He then looked at Celestia.

“You think I’ll be led to my room by a pony? Please for the love of God, I will not be led by an animal. I’m human, I am superior!” Carl shouted.

“Carl please, just follow Sgt. Hefty to your living quarters.” Luna pleaded.

“Alright, alright fine! But ‘dis dinner better be good!” Carl threatened. As him and Sgt. Hefty turned a corner, Celestia and Luna looked at one another.

“Sister, what have we gotten into?” Celestia asked.

“We? You mean YOU! I didn’t want to play a role in this experiment of yours sister! I knew something was going to happen!” Luna argued.

“You said you were interested!”

“I was CURIOUS!” Luna corrected frustratingly.

“Whatever, let’s just freshen up for the dinner! And get your most patient face on sister. Believe me I think we will need it.” The two sisters nodded and went their separate ways to their rooms.

Meanwhile, Carl argued with Sgt. Hefty.

“Please Sir, do not call me that again. It is considered offensive in our kingdom.” Hefty said.

“Oh I’m sorry Sgt.- Sergeant… Dammit, I can’t make fun of your name. Whatever, look, I don’t care! I was kidnapped and brought here in the first place! I have a right to say whatever! You glorified mule!” Carl exclaimed.

The two stopped in front of the designated room. Before the sergeant let Carl to himself, he stomped on Carl’s foot. Making the overweight man grab his leg and curse in pain.

“Your room sir.” Hefty said as he walked away from Carl.

“Come back here you hoofed freak so I can stick that fruity little horn of yours in a pencil sharpener!” Carl shouted angrily as he shook his fist in the air. After the pain subsided, Carl looked at his door and sighed.

“If there’s a God. He must hate my guts…” Carl then stepped into his room. The luxury of it stunning him. Yet his face only showed brief surprise before resetting back to his grumpy look.

“I guess every dog has his day!” He cackled. He entered the room and sat on the extremely soft bed.

“Woah, I might have to steal a few of these blankets before I leave this place.” Carl commented. “And some of those pillows, now that I think about it.” As he sat, he remembered Celestia telling him that they were related.

“Oh Lord I hope we’re not related. Ma has some explainin’ to do if this horse and her blue horse sister are my sisters.” Carl sighed. He then remembered Celestia telling him to get ready for dinner. A pleased smile grew on his face as he pictured a delicious banquet of buffalo wings, steak, and other meats.

With the promise of food in mind, Carl proceeded to ‘Get Ready’ for dinner.

~***~

Celestia and Luna sat at the royal table in the dining room awaiting their now revealed cousin, Carl. Dinner wasn’t near ready so Carl had time to spend. Luna and Celestia used this time to discuss Carl and his behavior.

“Sister, are you really sure we should have went through with this?” Celestia asked.

“You tell me. It wasn’t even my idea.” Luna said as she crossed her hooves.

“Oh please don’t be that way now! Carl’s already close to giving me a nervous breakdown, I don’t need you throwing your tantrums!” Celestia commented.

“My tantrums? Sister, how dare you!” Luna exclaimed. Fortunately, their potential argument was stopped dead in it’s tracks when a familiar creature entered the room. Carl stood in the doorway, wearing the same tank top and blue sweatpants he wore before.

“Um, Carl… Why didn’t you prepare for dinner?” Celestia asked.

“Oh gee, I couldn’t tell ya! Maybe because I wasn’t able to grab my good shirt before you randomly beamed me here! Now where’s the food?” Carl asked as he took a seat across from the royal sisters.

“Dinner is coming soon Carl. Now we must discuss what I had mentioned before. The whole relation topic…” Celestia said.

“Yeah, how I see it, you two are either my sisters, or my cousins. I’m praying to God in heaven that you two aren’t my sisters. Plus, if we’re being frank here, Ma ain’t got the capability to get it on with some horse freaks. You’re probably related to one of my cousin's stupid asses.” Carl snarled.

“Point is, we’re most likely very distant cousins. Before you arrived, I casted a spell that would transport my most distant relative. Apparently, you’re the lucky winner.” Celestia said with a nervous chuckle.

“Winner? Listen Horse, the only thing I’ve won during this whole experience is being able to insult another culture without being bludgeoned to near death, the blankets and pillows from the guest room, and dinner. But I have a feelin’ that dinner won’t live up to what I’m hopin’ for.” Carl finished off.

“So you don’t consider finding out that you have another cousin a success?” Luna asked.

“No not really. If anything, I found another house to go to during Thanksgiving when the adult theaters are closed and Sheila’s place is too annoying.” Carl stated. This hurt Celestia a little, Luna however couldn’t care less. She didn’t like this Carl creature, and she knew he didn’t like her.

The room was silent. Silent until Carl blurted out with more unhelpful words.

“So tell me Celestia, what’s with the weird hair you and your sister have got there? It’s creepin’ me out honestly.” More and more comments like this were dished out by this man until dinner was finally brought out.

While Celestia and Luna found the dinner to look devine, Carl was not pleased.

“What the hell is this crap?” Carl asked.

“It’s sun-dried tomato salad with a side of grilled asparagus.” Luna informed. Carl laughed off the meal.

“Are you serious? Where’s the meat? Where’s the chicken? The steak? The fried anything? I ain’t no hippie pansy, I eat meat like a normal American man.” Carl howled with anger.

“Well while you’re here in our kingdom, you will eat what we eat, and you will act how we act! Proper and polite, you ungrateful pig!” Luna shouted.

“Oh look who’s talkin’! Tell me somethin’ blue horse, are you finally off your period or do you still need a few days?”

“Oh you disgusting animal! I am Princess Luna! Ruler of the moon!”

“Oh good for you! You rule over a giant space rock!- Wait, did you say Princess Luna?” Carl asked, suddenly calming down.

“Yes, what about it?” Luna asked.

“If you’re a princess, that makes white horse here a princess two right? Since you’re sisters.” Carl reasoned.

“Yes, what are you getting at Carl?” Celestia asked.

“If I’m related to you two… Then I’m royalty.” Carl concluded.

“Well, it’s a stretch but overall yes. Yes you are royalty.” Celestia agreed. Luna and Celestia stared at Carl as their faces turned to those of horror when they saw him cackle a terrible laugh.

“So that makes me King Carl!” Carl concluded.

“No, if anything you’re a Duke of some sort, and even then that’s a stretch.” Luna correct.

“Shut your trap blue horse, I King Carl order you to do so!” A pleased grin replaced the constant scowl on Carl’s face. He laughed some more as he stood up, placing his hands back on his hips.

“How dare you order me around like a slave! You are not king, you are as equal- no, you’re still below us Carl! So know your place peasant!” Luna shouted.

“Peasant? Peasant? An animal is callin’ me a peasant? Uh news flash for you blue whore, but where I come from, fat kids with mental damage ride your kind at circuses and carnivals. They also ride elephants and donkeys… But mainly your kind! Your kind also carried and lifted us, the humans from place to place, because we are superior! Your kind carried our cargo and pulled our wagons! Because we’re superior and we rule over your horse kind!” Carl ranted.

At this point, Carl and Luna were face to face, shouting more and more into one another’s faces. Celestia sat quietly and embarrassed. This was her fault, her sister was arguing with her newly found cousin over which species is superior, all because she wanted to know who was in her family. Such a childish wonder took over her godly powers and made it come true. She felt foolish, how could she do something like this? Luna had warned her time and time again, but she let her thoughts go before Luna’s rational words.

“Both of you just stop!” Celestia shouted with anger. Carl and Luna looked at the angered alicorn. Carl’s hand was already clutching Luna’s neck while her hoof plunged into his large stomach.

“All I wanted to do was find out who I was related to! All I wanted to do was get to know the family that I never got to meet before! And All I’ve gotten was disrespect and insults.” Celestia pouted.

“Yes, you tell this animal sister!” Luna cheered.

“Luna I apologize for not listening to you, but I couldn’t help it.” Celestia apologized, making her sister smile.

“It is fine sister. I forgive you, but right now we need to focus on Carl here.” Luna said. Carl looked at the two sisters with his trademark scowl.

“So it’s gonna be like this huh? We’re family and you’re gonna team up against me? If I want to argue and share my opinion with you, I have that right because we’re family!” Carl argued.

“But family don’t berate and argue with one another. They help and care for each other!” Celestia debated.

“Do you think I don’t care? I have many other cousins! I care about them… Kind of, and if I want to lean in on their lives and berate them, I can because I have that right as a family member!”

“Look, Carl it’s been… Interesting having you here with us, but you have to go now.” Celestia said as her horn began to glow.

“You blast me with that magic crap I will release the venom on you!” Carl threatened. Before he had a chance to even blink an eye, Celestia has shot her magic at Carl, a scream of pain echoed as Carl disappeared from the room. Once he was gone, Luna and Celestia sighed.

“Oh thank Mother he’s gone!” Luna happily exclaimed.

“Yes, indeed.” Celestia agreed.

“But sister, now we know that that, pig is related to us. Do we tell our other family members or-” Luna was interrupted.

“No, never in a million years will we tell them about Carl!” With that, the two sisters nodded and agreed. Concluding their hectic day.

~***~

Carl was zapped back into the living room of his home. Flickers of light danced across the floor here and there as he regained his balance. When he realized he was home, he began to laugh and cackle. He then proceeded to pull out piece after piece of jewelry from within his sweatpants.

“Oh man! This pony loot will make me rich as all hell! It’ll be rainin’ dough once I sell these bad boys!” With that, Carl stashed his loot away and carried on with his day, like nothing ever happened.

Author's Note

Did you like what you saw? I hope you did, but if you didn't... I'll show you something you really don't want to see.

Just soak in the drippin' juices.

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed the story. To give a little history lesson on this story, I'll tell you that this was actually supposed to come before the whole Plush Pony series, and anything else after New Kid. But the old story line didn't seem appealing to me, or original. We've all read that story about the mean character coming from a different universe, and how they meet Twilight and her friends and they have a crazy adventure. No, I decided to change it up a bit here.

So tell me what you think! If there were things you believe should have been fixed, changed, or taken out, let me know. I'm open to suggestions.