And MacinPants
You know, getting off the bed right away isn't always the best way to start your day, especially when you found out that one of your sisters is getting a good mollifying in the showers before you do. Then you have to grumble to yourself that you wasted your time getting off bed so early while you could've just used that time to get more sleep or at least snuggle on the bed with your favorite stuff toy. Suppose you thought of congratulating yourself because you woke up before the rooster cackled, and then you can start working early so that you can spend the day yourself at afternoon and night. Hey that sounds like a good idea! Why not try it?
Right, what was the purpose of me getting up then?
Usually I would just turn back and resume sleeping or roll around with Smarty Pants, but this time I was not in the cool mood to sleep and work all night. I Need. That. BATH!
I knocked on the knob. Ow that hurt. So tired and sleepy that I can't even see where I'm knocking, but this time I carefully measured the door's size with precise mathematics and accurately aimed my right hoof towards the soft center of the wood. There should be a response coming at any moment.
Bang bang bang!
............ I knocked on my own face instead. Who the hay does not respond to my knocks? Everypony knows that I'm strong and hard enough to let ponies nearby hear me at least, what has gone wrong here?
So I knocked harder, but still no response from the other side. I really had it this time, no more Mr. Gentlecolt anymore, and so I will huff and puff, and BL-asted the door open by accident. I saw a bathtub. In that bathtub, I saw a slim and smaller pony half my size or less, there was long hair by her side, her eyes were right into me once the shampoo bubbles popped. I wanted to flee right now, but that would not make me a honest and noble stallion would it? I have to face my mistake and take it to heart: Never bang the door open when you know a mare is in there.
"Big Macintosh?!"
Oh for the lover of Celestia, that's MOTHERBUCKING GRANNY SMITH! I can take back all I said earlier!
"Why are you so early up today?" She asked suddenly, I was prepared and flinched in reply. Oh wait that's not what I should do, okay let's retry this. I can do nothing but answer her back verbally,
"I just felt like doing the labor early today, nothing else much."
"Oo-hh really...?" Granny doubtfully raised her left eye, and she slowly stepped off the bathtub, trotting towards me with that terrifying skeptical face. Oh hay manure, oh HAY MANURE!
“Ee-yup," I tried to reply calmly, but my respiratory system is overheating not because of her indignation is redder than even me, it was actually the hot water Granny was using.
The gracious and limpid looking yet grouchy and limp elder mare circled me around once, and then twice, and then THREE TIMES! THAT'S THREE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! Whenever Granny circles one pony three times, that usually means she does not put her trust into the suspect and will at least chasten the suspect viciously for not being honest. Her excuse for her guilty action is to teach the wrong what's right. Well I guess that makes you victim of hypocrisy Granny, we're "glad" to have somepony like that in our family.
"Well, get a good breakfast and get to work, will ya? 'Cause we got a whole orchard to beat the hoof on!" She started to walk out of the bathroom doorway past me, and was ready to make her vigorous journey down the stairs. Phew! Thank goodness I wasn't beaten to a pulp! I wiped the sweat off my forehead, thank you Granny Smith! You're the best granny somepony can ever-
The next thing I knew after being brutally kicked by two mysteriously green hooves, was me ending up in the bathtub full of hot water, and a towel fell onto my face, trapping me into the mountain of bubbles. What made it worse is that in the mountains, I was in the active volcanic area of the boiling water and Granny didn't turn off the darn water faucet!
WHOOSH!
"Granny, can Ah go to my clubhouse after cleaning the animals? Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Ah have a really important meeting today about operatin' a plan to obtain our cutie marks!"
"Of course, sugarcube! Ain't I waitin' on nothin' to see my granddaughter finally knowin' her thin'!"
"Apple Bloom, didn't you say somethin' similar to that last week and instead Rainbow Dash found you drinkin' Haynekal out by Sugarcube Corner?"
"Ah know Applejack, Ah was sorry and Ah vowed to never do something stupid like that to get my cutie mark again! Honest!"
"Ugh, why do ponies today like that Nethermost country's beer anyways? Nothin' compared to the traditional Apple family root cider!"
"Applejack, that's not beer you know..."
"Ah know! Ah'm just sayin' that they ain't worth to be drank."
"So do you approve me goin' to the clubhouse today? Please?"
"Well, consider you to be honest this time, and Granny's approval, fine."
"Aw thanks Applejack! I-"
"But if you do somethin' like that again, Ah'm not lettin' you go anywhere and Ah can even watch you all day and night!"
"Don't worry! I won't!"
CRASH BANG WHAM WHACK THUD!
"Now just who in the hay was that all about?" Applejack raced to find me all steamed and laid on the floor flat and awkwardly. Apple Bloom came too and tried to touch me, but she flinched upwards and was stuck on the ceiling, her hoof was all red and burnt when I glanced up to see my little sister in such distress. Applejack grabbed a lasso and pulled the filly back down. The steam on me made Applejack sweat heavily and she can only shut her eyes and fall back on the kitchen stove, she breathed rapidly and heavily, almost as if she's enjoying the torture. She grabbed a towel and wiped herself all over, her hair followed behind her charmingly, and that slick and smooth body of hers never grows stain no matter how hard she works in those muddy fields.
Woah! What the hay was I thinking?! What's gotten into me? She's just trying to keep herself comfortable, right?
"Big Mac! What's wrong with you? You look... Red?" Apple Bloom questioned more in curiousity than being worried for her brother, because she is constantly walking around me to take a better look at my burnt spots, which is everywhere. Is this how the Apple family are going to continue? Caring more about what they see than who they love? Oh and by the way red is a pretty good color for love, so I guess that never runs in our blood much, what controversy.
No! Red isn't my skin color! What kind of dumb question was that anyways?!
"Because your brother is going HOT today! He's going to prove that he's the alpha of all stallions!" Granny Smith answered Apple Bloom and gave me a wink. Really Granny? What the hell does that supposed to mean after everything you did to me already this morning?! Now you're telling me that I deserved all that and get my plot out of the house? Where did you even get the energy to kick somepony large as me anyways?
Wait a minute, she was right about one thing: I do feel like taking a walk outside today! Which was a good excuse for me to get up from the nagging floor anyways. The fresh wind is waiting for me to sniff and graciously hug on, the flowers and grasses are there waiting for me to notice them, Big Macintosh is waiting for me to stallion up and feel good about myself after years and years of being persecuted by two and a half mares.
"Well, sure why not? Ah can do most of the chores myself anyways," Applejack agreed, she went to the dining table and grabbed one last pancake before going off to her bedroom to get her hat for work. Before going up the staircase, she turned back around to me and asked,
"But what are you goin' to bring along with you on your stroll?"
And of course... I smiled proudly and ran up the stairs, into my bedroom. Smarty Pants is waiting for me to comfort her and protect her for the rest of my life. I grabbed the black and gray donkey into my mouth and immediately sprinted out the good ol' red barn house, and into the next step which can possibly change my life, forever.
(Offline when Big Mac was absent from the house)
"Umm, what the hay just happened?" Applejack asked, as she grabbed another pancake (despite mentioning that she was going upstairs to get her hat to work).
"Ah don't know either... Granny, since you're wise and all that, do you have any clue?" Apple Bloom walked up to Granny Smith, who was rocking on her favorite rocking chair.
"O' don' worry little fellas! Big Mac knows what's he up to! Just let it go and do your thin'!"
"Well, if you say so Granny," Applejack shrugged as she ran up the stairs, only to collapse back down as she was midway... Along with the stairs that is...
"APPLEJACK!" Apple Bloom paced to the broken stairway, which now has a hole in it, with all the shattered wooden pieces. Then there's the orange mare, who got up with no problem and shook off the debris that was on her.
"Was it Big Mac's weight, or is the quality of the Pony's Republic of China's stairs just horrible?"
Ba-dam ba-dam ba-dam ba-dam! My hooves were steady with the beat of the drummy and yellow ground, dusts stayed rather low as I slid my hooves on them. Grass leaned back to avoid me... Wait, that's just the wind pushing against them. Although it was cloudy, those white puffs of steam aren't the block to bar the sun out from shining and blessing on the innocents and the beloved (I gotta thank the wind again for making this happen!). There was a pink flower by the dirt road, I stopped by its side and bent down to sniff it. It was splendid, but at the same time kind of cheesy since it's mingled with dirt too. Smarty Pants is in my mouth, dangling back and forth like an ostracizing clock tower I used to see in Ponyville back when I was a colt, the repeated and memorable sound rings through my head everytime, it sends a good hunk of nostalagia through my bones.
Speaking of Ponyville, why don't I choose that as my destination before going back to the barn? Convinient and beautiful as always.
Ponyville it is, I can see her town square by the rear of my eye. Then there's that clock tower, that big soundly yellow and peaceful bell only rings when the best can ever occur. I can maybe get some taste of other fruits than just apples all the time, feeling new and open to acknowledge them rather than hearing Applejack bragging about how our apples are outmatched by nothing. Really sis, that is climbing onto my nerves, apples may be great and all, and it does run through our blood (Eeyup Apple Bloom, it runs in you too), but your pride is rebuting the meaning of bucking on those apples every single day.
But my journey is just beginning.
Back to Smarty Pants, she's a beauty. That dirty and ragged baby is now being cleansed by my very own precious saliva, the scars and scratches deteriorated the gorgeous stitching on her, oh and do I have to mention that her material is all filthy black and dull gray? Marvelous! Ever since I was informed by Twilight that my little sister was fighting with her friends over a rag doll, I went over and ceased their skirmish. Little did I know was that I quickly fell in love with it, madly and sincerely too.
From my right eye, two mares rolled on the grass, looked like they were hoof fighting. It was in fact the correct inference on the surface, the two were hoof fighting, but not as malicious as I thought out to be. One was a biege colored earth pony who had this colorful mane blended with deep blue and rose pink, her scent is a little too sweet. Her cutie mark contained three wrapped candies alined horizontally and paralleled to each other. She was the pony currently on the ground. The other pony on the top was a cyan unicorn, but not cyan like Rainbow Dash, more of a turquoise cyan that gave a mood of insanity with a muddled mane, and that light cyan color combined with a white streak on her tail. She had a harp as her cutie mark. Definitely the unicorn had a superior advantage considering she can always use magic to outsmart her opponent, just like how Rainbow Dash can outlast Applejack during the Iron Pony Competetion because of her flappy wings.
"Argh! I got you now Bonny! You ain't going anywhere!" The unicorn spoke, her left front hoof wrapped around the earth pony's neck and her other front hoof onto the victim's face. Ouch! Females can be violent as hell when not cautious enough.
"Oh no you don't Lyrist!" The other mare so far I know to be "Bonny" spat back, and she then bent her quadriceps on both hooves and BAM goes "Lyrist" into the air and plunged down onto the ground. Thank goodness the ground wasn't on cement or else she would've broke all her bones... or her spine at least,
Eey-OW!
Didn't want to be a callous looking bastard (only today that is), I trotted over towards the injured "Lyrist" and was about to stick out a helping hoof, until I took a large gulp to reassure that I wasn't looking at true gore depicted RIGHT in front of me!
There were two circular marks on Lyrist's stomach, and it was carved in pretty deep. Instead of hoofing over to help her, it was more of me shaking my hooves to greet her. Snap out of it Big Mac! You've got a patient here! Think about the times when you attempted to be a nurse, healed Apple Bloom's scars and treated Applejack's wounds back at home! What's so hard about helping out a mare who's groaning for her life and coughing heavily in result of a severe quadricep kick?
GULP!
Slowly and carefully, I leaned over to the dying mare, her breath was shrinking, her eyes were half the size from before, she distressingly cranked her neck, jerked her head towards me. She raised a hoof painfully to touch mine, she rubbed it, darn it I think I'm losing my virginity when I saw her heartbreaking smile casted on her face directed towards me. She opened her mouth to say something, so I brought myself even closer towards her lips. I can feel it coming, I was ready to accompany her towards the other world.
......
......
......
"That. Was. AWESOME!!!!" "Lyrist" suddenly shot up like a rocket, and came crashing back down onto "Bonny". "Bonny" shrugged "Lyrist" back onto the ground and the two laughed like two chipmunks in an unsuitable den, at least that's how I deemed them to be. Wait a minute, "Lyrist" was alive the whole time? Then what about the quadricep kick?
"Oh, hey you! The big red one over there!" A voice reached to me as I turned my back against the two friends, it turned out to be Lyrist's. She ran up to me when I had to work myself to turn my body back around to face them. Her friend "Bonny" also came to me, staring at me with this innocent smile across her face. Seriously, the smiles! What's with them these days? Phony as heck!
"My name is Lyra Heartstrings, and this over here is my lover: Bon Bon!" "Lyrist" who now is officially recognized as "Lyra" hugged the "Bon Bon", who only rolled her eyes and pushed her away to speak her line,
"It's actually Sweetie Drops, but Bon Bon is my alibi, and I am NOT her lover, we just happen to be the closest of friends, that's all," Sweetie Drops smiled and continued, "Sorry about wasting your time before, that kick wasn't fatal, Lyra was exaggerating about it." She bowed respectfully, while taking her hoof out to drag Lyra's head down as well.
"Hey! Whaddya do that for?!" Lyra then looked at me, she made the retarded "ohhhhh" voice and bowed with no regret.
Usually I wouldn't socialize and even talk at all, but today I feel like going all out and not be myself, also these mares are just an innocent duo having no harmful intentions towards any pony, gotta at least forgive them. I put a hoof on my chest and began my introducing,
"That's alright, my name is Big Macintosh, and I'm just on my way towards Ponyville-
"Oh Ponyville? You're going to Ponyville?! That's where we live!" Lyra jumped into my face and was shoved aside by Sweetie Drops again.
"Ponyville huh? That's nice to know Big Mac. You got any companions with you?" The beige pony questioned me with those nerve wracking cerulean eyeballs. What exactly is wrong with both of them? Is Lyra a crazy girl with a blank head and Sweetie Drops a secret stalker seeking for masculine influence? Well you got the perfect stallion right here, standing in front of you!
"Actually, yes I do," I responded with no second thought, because that question was somewhat skeptical. There are millions of questions to ask when you just met a new pony, and most of them would be something other than this "companion and friends" thing. Or that I was wrong, it ain't the the same today as back then when I was just a colt. To answer their question proudfully: I reached for my saddles, but Smarty Pants wasn't there, I looked everywhere, she wasn't there! Oh no my Sweetie Pie! Where could she be off to?!
"Hey what's that toy on your mouth?" Lyra returned and snatched something off my mouth. I looked down on the thing she dropped, it was just a black and rundown doll covered with unclean dirt and unpleasant scars, one of its legs was flattened.
Wait... SMARTY PANTS!!!!!
I ran over to her (despite the distance between us was one hoof away), and picked her up. Panting and glaring at Lyra, who was knocked several meters away, this time hurt pretty bad. Sweetie Drops aside me gasped and went to pick her up, she winced at Lyra's injuries when she screeched in pain once the earth pony touched them. I didn't realize this until I looked up, with Sweetie Drops half glaring but the other half was the upsetting dread, at me.
Oh sweet apple pie, what have I done now?
"That's your "friend"?" Sweetie Drops questioned me calmly, but all the fire behind her mouth movement can be easily spotted through her rude pointing to my baby doll, I flinched back this time for real. Her questions seem dumber and dumber per time, Smarty Pants isn't just a friend, she's my lover for life (LFL).
"Umm, yea? She is one of my closes-"
"Hmph! What a comedian you are Big Macintosh. Didn't know sompony like you can be such a fiend!" The same mare retorted, her eyes were dead furious, but at the same time she was quite hysterical. She couldn't help but snicker at the fact because Smarty Pants is only a toy. Her emotions changed however when she turned back to her injured friend, Lyra's breaths were short and brisk, she could be in even more danger than I had originally thought! I rushed to her body, only to be stopped with Sweetie Drop's hoof raised towards me. Without turning her head around, she said,
"You can go now... I'll get her to the hospital," Sweetie Drops seethed quietly, her back against me. Although it was a selfish thing for me to do, but it would be even more selfish if I just wanted to get my nobility back on the throne by aiding Sweetie Drops to get Lyra to the hospital, just to please Sweetie Drops and recover our relationship. Besides, the risk is still at large if I screw up on something big while helping her. I did not want to eat the apple with the worm wiggling inside of it.
"T-thanks. I'm sorry if I can't help." I hung my head as I slowly left the crime scene, not daring to take a look back at Sweetie Drop's demonic face and Lyra's look of lugubriousness.
"And not with that stupid doll of yours whom you call a "friend"!"
Well, that confrontation didn't turn out to be so smooth as I expected it to be. One silly little accident made me red hoofed, mares are really fragile ain't they, and somepony large as me is most likely going to be hated on for doing such thing... And I'm pretty sure I heard something from Sweetie Drops after we were at a safe distance between, she said something about my little Smarty Pants, didn't she? I clenched my hoof (if possible) and bared my teeth, I may have been wrong, but nopony talks smack about her! Heck, who would want a green and crazy unicorn as your friend? It was her fault that she wanted to hurt Smarty Pants at first place, I can even bribe to the mayor that it was for "self defense".
But come to think of it, isn't Lyra a special somepony to her as much as how I view Smarty Pants?
Back to my stroll, Smarty Pants is now in my saddle. I haven't realized how far away I was already from my home. Even distant, the redness of the juicy apples ignited my nerves. There's Applejack taking out a huge bite and made a perfect semi circle on the apple she's holding. All the glimmering on the juice caused by her natural action looks really attractive, she swung her golden hair back and forth like the memorable Ponyville clock tower itself. She opened her green eyes made of the beautiful nature. I can follow her hoofsteps anytime.
OW!
Who did that? Who threw a punch at me? I turned around to check, but nopony was there. Then a hoof was coming towards me again, but this time I stopped it with my mind? I looked down, there was the right white hoof pointed towards my face.
Oh. Right, right fist, I shouldn't think like that. Thanks for snapping me out of it. The thing is, I recently just am sick of the tedious work performed every darn day! Almost all the time it's the same thing. I can keep my smile and feelings inside like a true stallion, but the labor is truly bothersome. I love my family and all, and they are fun to be with, but sometimes I need time for myself, to get out there and receive some fresh air; a good restraint from farming is the best way to start. Anyways, about Applejack she's-
OW!
Okay okay left fist! I will stop! I don't know why this perverted thinking came into my mind but I just can't help myself!
"Big Mac, are you mumbling to yourself?" A familiar voice shattered my thoughts. I turned around, and there it is, another familiar face too. A stallion with tree green skin, yellow green mane and tail, another unicorn that gets in my head easily.
But seriously, who the hay is he?
"Umm, hello," I replied to the stranger, he looked at me funny and pinched my skin, checked my teeth, stroke my mane, and finally exclaimed,
"That's exactly correct! You are Big Macintosh! Remember me? The useless stallion who was good for nothing but hoofing out stupid flysheets and meaningless leaflets?"
I opened my bank, and in it I withdrew this piece of memory that isn't even worth a single bit. It was in a middle of a fair celebrating the 20th anniversary of Ponyville's mayor, and then there's this random dude being ignored and spat on because he's being a prick with his flysheets. I sighed and went to grab all of them from him, he was so happy that he threw me up and down instead of shaking my hooves.
Hold on, that was like years ago! And why would he be so eager to thank me for that?
"Because of the heroic action you bravely took for me, I now have a full time job!" He weighed down his hoof onto my back, damn that freakin' hurts! You better watch where you're hitting or else, or else... Umm, I ain't getting any work done around the field!
Wait WHAT?! He actually got a full time job through junk banners and flysheets?! I calmed down and thought about this over: probably not a big and important job, maybe just cleaning the roadside trash to purify the environment.
"I'm Celestia's most trustworthy treasurer!"
Oh you got to be kidding me! I facehoofed myself hard and took out a large sigh in response to his excitement. How did somepony like him even get employed to such a high leveled profession? It's not even considered a "job" anymore!
"That's great, if one thinks about it," I can only put up my phony smile just to make him feel good. He's pretty self centered anyways with his royal duty.
"Well, I mean I haven't even got any friends since I got my job, I can feel lonely at times. I just need to find somepony familiar to talk it out with me, I may have depression now ha!"
Yea, ha ha ha. Very funny, depression is a serious issue you idiot. You should get a companion instead like my Smarty Panty.
"Say, you're alone yourself. Why don't we stick together for now, eh? I'm roughed up myself nowadays." The green stallion slapped his mane, and leaned towards me from my side with that annoying smile trying to be amiable. No sir I just wanted to be with my baby right now, give us some personal space will ya?
"Actually, no. I have her," I snatched out my baby doll from my saddle, and dangled her around to show it off.
