Author's Note
This was fun to write. Brought to you by Evening Star's Hearth's Warming Eve.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z61ZcHX5JUc&list=PLpHI19f3wCciSqeC2yRdUWQcc9Jghi6ln&index=2
- Golden Oak
Proofread by Miss Marvel
End of the World
Celestia stepped out of the mirror, a smile on her muzzle and a warm, cheesy bread in her belly. As she walked towards her quarters, nodding towards a blue-maned guard, she hungered for more of that delicious substance. That night, she asked her sister to give her nothing but dreams of that delicious food. She wanted to remember that taste for the rest of her unnaturally long life. Her sister had asked her what it was, but she had refused to answer.
"I will keep this delicacy a secret for as long as I can." Celestia thought as she laid in her bed. "Equestria is not prepared for it's existence yet." She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Luna lowered the moon, having just spoken with her sister. She was raging inside, but she refused to let it show. "She thinks she can keep a secret from us!" She thundered, dark magic spilling from her horn. "She will rue the day she crossed us!" There was a rap on the door. The dark magic quickly dissipating into her bib. "One second!" She called, crossing the room and opening the door. Outside stood a purple mare with a grape vine for a Cutie Mark.
"Heya Princess!" Berry called, going wall-eyed for a moment. "Think ya could help me fer a bit?"
"Well..." Luna said, looking out of the corner of her eye at her computer. She was just about to get back to her game with Fade. The Raiders were attacking the guild hall in five minutes. "I was going to-" She was cut off as she was grabbed by the hoof and pulled out of the room.
She found herself sitting at a bar, being waited on by a pretty mare in a kilt. She was balancing two Germane cider mugs on her flanks. She set them down in front of the pair, giving a wink at Berry and walking back towards the other customers. "So..." Luna began, trying to leave.
"So, I saw your sister visit you and heard your outrage against her. I figured you could use a drink. Was I right?!"
Luna blinked. She was about to tell her drunken compatriot exactly what she thought when she realized it was. She took a huge swig of cider and let out a large belch. Her mug splintered on the floor as she threw it down and demanded another.
Several hours later
Luna stood on the stage, having effectively spilled every secret she knew about her sister as well as the true purpose of the royal 'guard'. "And then," She said rather loudly, a drunken blush on her face. "The new guy walked in on us."
"Woah! What happened next?" Berry said, clopping for another drink as the rest of the bar looked up at her in drunken wonder.
"Well, Me and Celestia were both wearing fifty socks on our horns and another ten on each leg. So you can imagine the look on his face. I think it rivaled that of Celestia's for pure embarrassment."
The entire bar broke out in laughter. Half the stallions fell off their chairs in laughter, while the other half was simply passed out on the table. The bartender felt she should stood stop this, but felt dealing with a drunken Princess could only end badly for her business. All of her regulars were loving it, and her employees had received more bits in tips than they had ever made in their lives. Still, she felt she had to do something. She sent one of her more loyal mares out to fetch one of the royal guards stationed at the local military department. She took a deep breath.
"Everything will be fine, just fine. No need to FREAK OUT!!!" Her face took on a Lesson Zero position as she sat down in her chair.
A few minutes later, a Royal guard appeared in the doorway. "Princess Luna! You need to come with me right now." He said in a gruff voice. Luna looked him in the eye. Using the Royal Canterlot voice, she spoke to him. "WE ARE NOT DONE WITH OUR STORY! THOU SHALT LET US FINISH OUR STORY BEFORE WE LEAVE!" She turned back to her audience. "So, Tia tells us a list of items, that when combined together, create the best food ever created. But then, she refuses to tell us the NAME OF THE DELICACY!" She roared, transforming into Nightmare Moon in a flash of magical aura. She spoke very loud, proclaiming: "And if she will not tell us the name, then we shall make the night last forever!" Nightmare Moon disappeared for a moment as Luna got a glance at the faces of the shocked bar patrons. "Or at least until she tells us the truth." The only ponies still awake, given that most weren't, visibly relaxed.
"P-Princess Luna," The bartender asked, doing her best not to faint. "I-I could make you that, um, deicacy. If- Um, if you could go back to your castle and wait for it."
The guard raised his hoof. "I agree. This would be the best course of action. Princess Luna, if you would be so kind. Please tell this kind pony the recipe, then we must go." He glared around the room. "I expect the rest of you to all swear an Oath of Silence before you leave. What was said here should never leave this room." He realized it was futile, but he knew he would feel better if they all did it anyway.
Princess Luna staggered over to the bar and whispered in the young mare's mouth just loud enough for the unicorn's ear to catch it all. She quickly wrote it all down and set her staff to work immediately. "Come with me Princess. We need to get you home before your sister wakes up." He ushered the royal drunkard out of the bar, making sure not to let her take hold of the keys on the way home.
Princess Celestia woke to the sound of Luna in her bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach into the nearest receptacle. She walked in on her sister to find a saggy eyed, puke stained, Luna glaring up at her from the toilet with a look of pure hate in her eyes.
"Tia, I-" She was cut off as her hangover racked her body once more.
"Luna, what have you..." She took in all the symptoms. "You're drunk, aren't you?"
"Wha, no..." She trailed off sarcastically. "Of course I'm drunk!" She spat. "How else do you think I got like this?!"
"Um..." She was about to speak when somepony knocked on the door.
"Delivery for the Princess." A farmilar voice said, pushing the door open. "You ordered a..." Derpy looked down at the note. "Pete-za?" She asked hopefully.
"Luna!" The white alicorn turned on her sister, rage in her eyes. "What have you done?!"
"I," She stated proudly, staggering towards the delivery pony and accepting the warm box. "Have ordered a Pizza." She tossed the gray pegasus a few bits and closed the door.
"Luna! Equestria is not ready for this creation to exist! This could cause a catastrophe!" She paced around the room, her sister watching her with an amused expression on her face. She opened the box, letting the aroma drift towards her sister. She lifted a slice of the vegetarian pizza to her muzzle.
"No!" Celestia knocked the slice away from her sister's mouth. "We don't know what will happen! Our faces could melt into jelly. The world could turn into an egg. Twilight might-" She was cut off as Luna took a bite of her pizza. The white alicorn sat stock-still as her sister munched, waiting for the impending disaster. She blinked once. Twice. Nothing happened. She got up and began pacing again.
"This doesn't make sense. Surely something must have happened, but what..." She trailed off as Luna bit into a second slice.
"Hey Tia," The midnight blue alicorn drowsily said through a fourth slice. "If nothing happens, can we order more of this?"
Celestia was standing in front of a chalkboard in the middle of the room, a series of complex equasions covering it's surface. "Wha... Uh, sure." She replied distractedly. She carried on, muttering. "Carry the sixteen, divide by the natural chaos factor times the remainder of problem five. Carry the four..."
"WONDERFUL!!!" Luna shouted, scarfing down the last slice and galloping over to Twilight's secret telephone. There was a message from a fellow named Dan, but having hooves makes it hard to press the right buttons. The message was deleted as she dialed the bar.
Twenty minutes later, a pizza appeared at the gates of the castle with a note from Berry. A guard brought it in, setting it down on the royal table in the dining hall. Luna teleported out of nowhere. She read the note from her friend.
"Dear Princess Luna. I asked you to do me a favor, and you did. Here's the bit I promised." Inside the note was a shiny golden coin. Luna smiled and began taking the box to her room when Celestia appeared in front of her. Her sister's mane was a mess and she was going a little wall-eyed. "She looks a little like Twilight when she doesn't get her work done on time." The smaller princess thought just before her sister dove for the box. The two Princesses scrabbled for the box in what would later be recorded as the greatest game to be played in the history of board games. Finally, Luna was left at the top, Celestia huffing and puffing.
"It pays to be younger for once." Luna said as she stepped towards her room once more. Celestia bounced up with all her might, knocking the box out of Luna's hooves and splattering it on the floor.
"NOOOO!!!" The sisters screamed in unison. They dove for the mess on the floor, doing their best to scrape it back together.
Then, the world turned into a draconequess egg.
THE END
