20% Kool-Aid

by pixel writes

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Other, Crossover
Length: 1411

The Kool-Aid Man is in Equestria to provide his sweet, refreshing beverage to thirsty ponies. But mostly Celestia.

Celestia loves Kool-Aid. Luckily for her, the Kool-Aid Man is in Equestria. Unluckily for the Kool-Aid Man, Celestia has such an insatiable thirst for sweet fruity soft drinks that she winds up tiring him out. Luna tries to help the poor Kool-Aid Man when she sees how hard her sister works him.

Will Luna save the Kool-Aid Man from her sister? Not exactly. Uh, I mean find in 20% Kool-Aid.

Published 2015-08-11 14:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-11 14:50:01 UTC

20% Kool-Aid

"Oh yeah!" The Kool-Aid Man barged through the wall of the throne room of Canterlot Castle.

Celestia's guards poised, ready to attack. "At ease," Celestia commanded, "I invited the Kool-Aid Man to quench the royal thirst. I only wish he used the door." Celestia sighed. "No matter. I guess we'll just have to raise taxes a bit to cover the materials and the cost for workers. I just hope none of our enemies realize the throne room is exposed for a few days."

"Or we could just repair it with magic," Luna plainly said. Her horn glowed. Broken bricks were repaired midair as they flew back to where they originally were. Had nopony seen the Kool-Aid Man's disastrous entrance, none would have known the wall ever broke.

"Spoil all the fun, why don't you?" Celestia muttered.

"Oh. I guess you wanted to scare the Kool-Aid Man into being more careful so we won't have to pick up after him in the future?"

"No. I just wanted an excuse to raise taxes. I've been saving up my bits for some more Oaty O's. Only fifteen more box tops and I can get those 'Oat-No-She-Didn't' jet skis (adult supervision required)!"

"Your highness? Your guest?" One of the guards asked, gesturing to the sentient pitcher of red liquid, who was awkwardly admiring the castle décor.

"Oh, how rude of me," Celestia said.

"Nice curtains," the Kool-Aid Man complimented.

"Really? I was just thinking of replacing them, but if you say they're nice..." Celestia shook her head. "Wait a minute. Not the issue. I'm thirsty and you're a refreshing beverage."

"With all due respect, ma'am, I'm full of a refreshing beverage. I, myself, am only a pitcher."

"I'm thirsty," Celestia repeated. "On your knees."

Grumbling, the Kool-Aid Man knelt. Celestia licked her lips in anticipation and approached him. She then bent forward, using the Kool-Aid Man as a makeshift trough. "Mm, that is delicious!" Celestia said after a gulp. "Come, Luna, you must sample the Kool-Aid Man's drink!"

Luna hesitated, but knew if she didn't, Celestia would badger her into it like she always does. She was not quite as impressed with the taste as Celestia, but had enough manners to thank the Kool-Aid Man anyway.

For the next couple weeks, Celestia kept asking for the Kool-Aid Man. His Kool-Aid was almost the only liquid she drank. She took him everywhere: to the royal ball, her trips to visit Cadance and Twilight in their respective cities, to watch the Wonderbolts...

One evening as Celestia was sipping on Kool-Aid, Luna walked in. She saw the exasperated look on the Kool-Aid Man's face, who was panting. His face was wet and it definitely was not just condensation from the pitcher and the room being at different temperatures.

"Uh, Celestia, don't you think you're wearing him out?"

Celestia did not answer. She kept chugging Kool-Aid.

"Celestia," Luna spoke again, "I don't know how far away he lives, but you keep sending for him."

Celestia ignored her and slurped more Kool-Aid.

"Come on, Celestia, it's summer. With how scorching hot it's been these past few days, I'm sure there are plenty of thirsty foals that would really appreciate some Kool-Aid. You can't hog him all to yourself."

Celestia stood upright and opened her mouth to speak... or so Luna thought. Uuuuuurrrrrrrrrp! she belched. "Oh, that was a good one... uh, I mean 'scuse me." She leaned forward and started drinking more.

"Celestia, that's enough!" Luna said, her voice giving away her impatience.

"Oh come on," Celestia said, leaning forward to lap another sip of Kool-Aid into her mouth, "I said 'excuse me.'"

"Not the burp!" Luna said. She used her magic to scoot the Kool-Aid Man several inches away from Celestia so she would stop drinking and listen. "You're being selfish! The Kool-Aid Man is clearly tired from having to run around all over Equestria everyday to meet you here."

"I think I know where you're going with this," Celestia said, thoughtfully, "and I think you're right." She used magic of her own to pull the Kool-Aid Man back to her. But this time when she bent forward, it was not to take a drink; she was making her eyes level with his.

"Kool-Aid Man, I'm sorry. I know I've been insensitive in demanding you come here – sometimes sending for you several times a day. So, to make it up to you... how would you like to live here at the castle, my tasty talking trough?"

"Okay, Celestia, that is it! If he moves in, I'm out. So who do you choose? The Kool-Aid Man or me?"

Celestia glanced at the Kool-Aid Man. Then at Luna. Then at the Kool-Aid Man again. Back and forth she went for what felt like hours. Finally, she closed her eyes and sighed softly, admitting defeat. "Luna, the Kool-Aid Man may give me all the Kool-Aid I want, but you know you're worth more than that to me." She took a few steps toward her sister to put a wing around her. "You know if I had to choose somepony to share this castle with, I would always pick you."

Luna smiled and hugged her sister back.

"That's why I'm sending the Kool-Aid Man to the dungeon."

"WHAT!?" Luna stepped away from her sister.

"Oh no!" The Kool-Aid Man shouted and attempted to flee. But before he could even reach the door, Celestia ordered her guards to seize him.

"I can't believe you!" Luna said as the guards carried off the Kool-Aid Man. Luna inched toward her sister and got as close to her face as she could. "You know, Celestia, stuff like this is exactly why I let myself become Nightmare Moon! Sometimes you can really be such a horse's..." Luna trailed off before she could finish her insult. Then she smiled. "You know what? Throw him in the dungeon for all I care. It's nothing worth getting worked up over."

"Good," Celestia said. "Nice to hear you've calmed down. Now let's get ready for bed. I've got some tasty Kool-Aid waiting for me in the morning."

The next morning, Celestia woke up. She hummed a happy melody to herself as she put on her crown and amulet and greeted a couple guards on her way to the dungeon. Much to her surprise, Luna was right by the dungeon entrance with a big smile on her face. "Good morning, Luna. What's got you in such a good mood today?"

Luna said nothing and walked the short distance to the Kool-Aid Man's cell, which was empty and had a pitcher-shaped hole in the wall.

"Oh yeah." Celestia blushed. After a pause, she said, "I guess I did get a little carried away."

"A little?" Luna teased. "Your lips are redder than a sunburned apple wearing lipstick!"

"Okay, that doesn't make any sense," Celestia said.

"Yeah, it sounded better in my head," Luna admitted.

"But don't worry. I've learned my lesson. I usually try to be empathetic, but that Kool-Aid was so delicious! Although right now I don't think I'll want more anytime soon."

"Back to the castle for a bowl of Oaty O's?" Luna asked.

"Sounds good to me!" Celestia said as the sisters began walking in that direction. "You know, I can't help but wonder... where do you think the Kool-Aid Man is now?"

Meanwhile in Ponyville, Rarity was in tears. "This is a tragedy!" she cried. "Why, it's so horrible! My whole week is ruined! Nay, my life! I might as well lock myself in my room and never leave!"

"It was just a little spill," Rainbow Dash said. "I'm sure it'll come right out. Besides, it was just an accident, right K-Man?"

"Oh... I'm so sorry, but sometimes I forget I'm full of fluid so I should really be mindful of the way my head is oriented. Why, if I weren't full of this red delicious drink, you would see I am blushing quite profusely." The Kool-Aid Man apologized.

"Apology accepted," Rarity said, still teary-eyed. "Of all the days to wear my white blouse," she grumbled as she headed back to Carousel Boutique.

"She's a bit of a drama queen. Don't worry, you'll get used to it," Rainbow Dash told her new friend. "Hey, let's go put a bunch of ice in you and get the Cutie Mark Crusaders to try to get some competitive drinking cutie mark and watch them get brain freeze."