A Story

by NotARock

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random
Length: 3671

The Narrator is having an existential crisis; please hold.

Normally, you would find a description of a story here.

However, this story does not have a description.

Because it's just a story.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-12 06:25:48 UTC

Or is it?

In the beginning, there was a void.

And in the end, there also was a void.

So, therefore, anything happening between the beginning and the end is utterly useless.

THE END

... or so you would believe.

People are inexplicably short-sighted, irrational, self-centered, and write very good stories.

Some of them are about ponies.

This is not a story, and this isn't about ponies.  Because it's not a story.

Do you want a story?  Fine.

The story concerns Twilight Sparkle.

She is a very knowledgeable pony, being very studious ever since she was a little filly (that's the horse - pony term for a girl).  She is also known as the element of magic, and thus, is a very powerful user of magic.  She has five friends - unlike MOST people - I mean ponies - who represent the other Elements of Harmony.  There's Applejack, an apple farmer with a western accent (that somehow got the element of Honesty), Rainbow Dash, an aerial ace and a weatherpony (who's obviously NOT - wait, she is?  Alright, apparently she's the element of Loyalty), Rarity, a fashion designer (who is the element of Inspirat - I mean, Generosity), Pinkie Pie, who is the element of hyperac -

You take that back!

Also, she breaks the fourth wall.  Pinkie, I can't.  I already wrote it down.

Then what's this button over here, with an arrow pointing right?  Doesn't that mean delete?

Pinkie, you're looking at the author.  If I listen to you, then the author has to delete this conversation.  But then, I won't know that you won't want me to write "the element of hyper -

...

As I was saying - The element of hyper -

...

Look, I can't change anything in this, and even if I could delete all this, then you wouldn't be able to tell me to delete this!  It's a paradox, Pinkie, and I can't let that happen.

All right, you win.

Eh, there's no fun in saying it now.

*ahem*

Wait, I was typing all this?  I was just going through an internal dialogue -

and there I go again.  So, Pinkie Pie, NOT the element of hyperactivity (although she could be) but she plans parties (the element of Laughter, obviously - I know you're not dumb!), and the last pony is Fluttershy, a veterinarian - I think - (and the element of Kindness).

Oh, and in order, they're unicorn, earth pony, pegasus, repeat.

So, by now, you're probably wondering when I'll start telling the story.  I suppose if you've found your way to this story, you probably know about Equestria and ponies and all that.

Well, I'm going to get to it.  I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a story.  Oh, and if you don't know about ponies, go look it up.  I'm the narrator, not an encyclopedia.

I said the story was one of Twilight Sparkle, right?  Alright, let me start.

So, Twilight Sparkle opened the door and walked outside.  "What a lovely day," she said to the world around her.

And then she was crushed by a falling anvil.

THE END.

Can I leave now?

No?

Well, that's the story.  So if you're reading on, expecting something more, then there isn't.  I said there was a story, not a good story.

...

I'm sorry, but you're wasting your time reading this.  Go home.

And whatever you do, don't scroll down.  I mean, just close this tab or window or whatever, because this is over.

Over!

You just don't want to follow instructions, do you?

Well, I guess I missed something.  Let me check my notes...

This is supposed to be a story about ponies?  ****.   Alright, fine.

Ummmm...  Aha!

*ahem*

Above the scene, Derpy sheepishly looked around, muttering an "oops" as she checked to see if anypony was watching.  She then picked up the anvil and haphazardly flew away, leaving poor Twilight dazed and confused.

There, are you happy now?  I gave you a story, it had a beginning, a plot, and a climax!

What do you mean, there's no ending?  Well, of course there's no ending!  It's a - a stylistic decision!  Many stories don't have an ending!  Yeah!

Besides, the sooner you stop complaining that you didn't get a "real" story, the sooner we can go back to our lives, and the sooner we can be done with this whole thing.

But wouldn't you stop existing once you stop narrating?

I'm fine with that, Pinkie.  I just want to get out of here.

Well, that's just silly.  Why wouldn't anyone who exists not want to exist?

I - wait, what?

You can't just give up and die!  Because then, you wouldn't be happy, and then I wouldn't be happy.

Why are you concerned with whether I'm happy or not?  I'm just the narrator.  I don't have emotions, because I'm not a real character.  Can't you see, Pinkie?  I'm trapped here, I need you to stop talking, so the story can be over -

Unless...  This is a part of the plot.  But that would mean that I would have to be a -

Suddenly - or is that slowly - I felt my perspective shift ever-so-slightly, and I felt - feel - a twinge of sensation, as if I was reforming in the air around me.  Slowly - or is that suddenly - I opened my eyes for the first time.

It felt as if I had suddenly awakened.  I took a moment to turn around and survey myself.  It seemed that I was now a pony, which was strange considering that I did not consider myself as one.  My, um, cutie mark was a bunch of lines, symbolizing... the story, I guess.  Apparently, I had midnight purple fur - the color of ink, I noted to myself - and a pencil-colored mane.  I turned and looked around, and saw a glimpse of something behind me, before it disappeared.  Slowly, I raised and lowered a cautious hoof, which had been keeping me from spotting whatever it was.

Suddenly, I saw another flash of movement.  Cautiously, I poked out a hoof in my blind spot, hoping to find something.  I felt something furry, and held it down as I quickly tried to pounce on it.  Instead, I found myself in a tangle of limbs, and I fell down onto the ground.  I felt something on my head, and it twitched.  I opened my eyes, and saw that I was staring at a mirror.  Apparently, I had landed in an undignified heap trying to catch my tail.

Embarrassing moment aside, I took a deep breath, and took in the surroundings.  Besides the aforementioned mirror, I seemed to be in a black room.  I looked up, and the ceiling seemed to be similarly black.  I then turned around, and saw a perfect scene of Ponyville - not that I would know if something was different.  There was a book, called "A Handy Guide to Narrating", on a small oaken table, and a map of Ponyville attached.  There also was a drawer, so I opened it and pulled out a small notebook and a pen.

I heard a door squeak from far away, and my eyes fixated to Twilight Sparkle as she walked out the door.  Quickly, I felt a sense of motion, and I saw the tree grow larger.  "What a lovely day," she said, her eyes glowing as she looked around at the admittedly lovely day.

I braced myself for impact.  It came, in an earth-splitting crash.  I looked up, and I saw what I expected - Derpy, looking embarrassed as I imagined her.  "Sorry," she called from above, before taking the anvil and moving away.  In a rendition of cartoon physics, Twilight shakily got back on her hooves, and somehow found the strength to call, "It's OK!" before falling back to the ground.

Suddenly, I froze.  Derpy hadn't said anything, Twilight hadn't called back, and she never even stood back up in the first place!  I set the notepad down in confusion, before realizing that I had been writing this whole time.

It said, "I heard a door squeak from far away, and my eyes fixated to Twilight Sparkle as she walked out the door.  Quickly, I felt a sense of motion, and I saw the tree grow larger.  'What a lovely day,' she said, her eyes glowing as she looked around at the admittedly lovely day."

So far, so good.  But I kept reading on, and grew more and more incredulous as I neared the end.  "I braced myself for impact.  It came, in an earth-splitting crash.  I looked up, and I saw what I expected - Derpy, looking embarrassed as I imagined her.  'Sorry,' she called from above, before taking the anvil and moving away.  In a rendition of cartoon physics, Twilight shakily got back on her hooves, and somehow found the strength to call, 'It's OK!' before falling back to the ground."

And then it stopped.  It was an exact description, to the letter, of the story.  Which included the details I had apparently added in later, as a variation to keep the story from stagnating.  I paused.  Slowly, my gaze passed between the notebook and the wall, the notebook and the wall.  An absolute silence prevailed.  Slowly, I turned back to the notepad, slowly held out the notepad (somehow), slowly held out the pen, and started scratching out, "A pink -

Ooh, I'm in the story?

Gah!  Pinkie, you're still here?!

Yep!

But you're over there, aren't you?

Yeah!

How can you be here and there - it's just not possible, it breaks the laws of - Go back there!

Oki Doki Loki!

So, as I was writing, "the pink delegate from Saddle Arabia was visiting Ponyville - you know, the one from the end of the episode Magic Duel, and she happened to be walking along the street."

Awww...

Fine.  "But she was walking on the other side of town, and thus she was entirely unrelated to the story.  Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie wanted to visit the library to browse for some cooking recipes.  She wanted to bake a certain dish, but needed some help.  So, by mere coincidence, she was the first pony besides Derpy to see the sorry state of the stunned unicorn.

She immediately dashed up to Twilight's side.  "Twilight, what happened?"  No response from Twilight elicited further communication attempts.  "Earth to Twilight?"  "Hello?"  "Twilight?"  "Twilight?"  "Twilight?"

"Uggh," Twilight murmured.  She seemed to slowly be regaining consciousness, though who knew exactly when she lost it.  "Huh?"  But her waking went entirely unnoticed by Pinkie, who by now was just saying "Twilight" over and over again for the fun of it.  Slowly, she came to her wits - though the constant barrage of sound was slowing her coming to somewhat.  She finally came to her senses; a shudder passed over her as she remembered the incident with the mirror pool, and she silently prayed that something hadn't happened again.

"Pinkie!" she cried out, hoping to rouse her from the loop of "Twilight".

"Twi - Oh, you're awake?"

"Yeah, I am, and I have been for the last minute," the purple pony deadpanned.  "Ow, my head."

"Oops."  Pinkie giggled.  "I guess I got a little carried away."

"It's fine.  What are friends for?"

Pinkie paused, and then started rattling off, "They're for companionship, moral support, and possibly to establish a romantic relationship for -"

Twilight held up a hoof.  "Pinkie, that was a rhetorical question."

"Oh, right.  So, what happened?  Was it fun?"

"Well, I had an -"

"Wait, let me guess!"  Pinkie thought, giving a hmmm, before saying, "You were sunbathing and fell asleep!"

"No."

"Ummm...  Oh!  You're having a hang-"

Twilight shoved a hoof in her mouth.  "Pinkie, I don't."

"Hmmm...  I know!  You were going outside when Derpy dropped an anvil on you!"

"Pinkie, that's..."  Twilight trailed off as she processed Pinkie's statement and mentally filed a reminder to take an I.Q. test.  "...actually right.  How did you know?"

"Well, there's a print in the shape of an anvil in the ground, silly!"

Twilight, after briefly questioning Pinkie's silliness versus the possibility of her own, shrugged.  "You know, I was actually a little hungry.  Can I stop by Sugarcane Corner to get some treats?"

Pinkie replied, "Sure!  My treat!  I don't think I could throw a "Congratulations on Surviving Getting an Anvil Dropped on you" party, but I think I can at least get you something to eat."

And with that, the two walked away."

With a small flourish, I finished the writing.  After looking back on it, I guessed that it probably was good enough a story.

So, with that, I turned to walk away from the room.

And I face-planted onto the opposite wall.

"Huh?", I noted.  "Where's the exit?"

There was no reply, which I should have expected.  "Great.  I'm stuck here until the story ends."

I waited for the story to end.

Long story short, it didn't.

I wasted, by my own count, 27 hours, 49 minutes, and 19 seconds of time waiting for something to happen.  Of course, it could just as easily have been 28 hours, 14 minutes, and 47 seconds.  Hey, I can be arbitrarily precise.  It's not against the rules.

Was it?

I walked over to the book and opened it.  "Table of contents, umm, let's see here, chapter one, no, two, no, blah blah blah, alright, let's try the index, go to p - p-a, p-e, here we are, precise.  Page 85."  Flipping the page to 85, I started reading.  "Rule 23.  No arbitrary preciseness."

Shoot.

It was about 28 hours, alright?

I suppose I'm stuck here.  Or, I was stuck here.  Ummm...  I'd better stick with the past tense now.

I mean, I should have stuck to the past tense.

No, wait, I mean I should, ummm, ummm, ummmmmm...

Forget it, forget that sentence!

...

Well, all joking aside, it seems I'm stuck here.  Nothing but me, a finished story, and a notepad that -

Wait.  I have a plan.  I mean I had a plan.  Well, I still have the plan, but - Aw, forget it!

I quickly zoomed over to Sugarcube Corner, where I wrote down a conversation that Twilight and Pinkie were having.  "and then there was this huge dragon, and we were all scared, remember?!  But then Fluttershy zoomed right on top of the dragon and then she -

Psst, Pinkie!

" - and the dragon was like - "

Pinkie!

" - But she kept staring, until -"

Great.  I'm stuck here, and I can't call out Pinkie to answer me.

Wait, idea!

Suddenly, a voice boomed through Sugarcube Corner.  "Pinkie, sorry for interrupting, but can we talk?."

Twilight tensed up, looking around for the source of the mysterious voice.  Fortunately, Pinkie finally was paying attention.

"Sure!  What do you need?"

The voice boomed again.  "Do you know how to break the fourth wall?"

"Yeah, you just find something that can't help but break it!  Like me!"

Twilight interrupted, "The fourth wall?"

Pinkie put a hoof on her shoulder and replied, "I'll explain when you get older."

"I'm older than you," the unicorn grumbled, but otherwise chose to remain silent.

"So, all someone needs to do to break a wall between the viewer and the characters is to find something that interacts with it?"

"Pretty much.  Anything else?"

"Ummm, I'm pretty hungry.  Can you deliver some food, please?"

"Sure!"  With that, Pinkie popped up next to me, carrying a paper bag that smelled delicious.  "It's a gift."

"Thanks," I replied.  "Well, see you soon - hopefully!"

Pinkie moved back to her seat.  "See you soon!"

After I waved goodbye, I set the goods on a napkin and started eating.  It was surprisingly delicious, especially considering that it wasn't her cutie mark.  I savored every bite of the biscuits, and the doughnuts were perfectly glazed and sweet.

"Kudos to Pinkie and the Cakes," I muttered as I finished the last morsel surprisingly quickly.  It was filling, though, and I was grateful that I could prepare myself to bust out of the room and into the world on a full stomach.

With the food done, the paper bag automatically disappeared, thanks to some unknown mechanism.  With my workspace cleared, I set the notepad down and started writing.

Meanwhile, Derpy was making her final delivery of mail.  Because the anvil had been so heavy, she had had to go back to the post office and take it by itself.  Because of this, she was running late.  So, she rushed through the usual pattern of houses more quickly than usual, although she still made sure to stop by every house to make sure they were doing well.  After a brief conversation with Lyra about the events of the day, she rushed towards the last house, owned by Berry Punch.

Chances are, even if she had been flying at normal speed, she wouldn't have seen the floating room.  Even if her eyesight had been normal, she wouldn't have seen the floating room.  Even if she hadn't had her mind occupied with events from earlier that day, she wouldn't have seen the floating room.

So, it was a complete surprise to me when Derpy suddenly forgot to beat one of her wings, and traced perfectly around the cuboid room.

I tried again, this time positioning myself perfectly so that there was no way she could dodge me.

And then she suddenly folded her wings in and dived right under me.

Now, I was frustrated.  I got into position once more, and when I saw her start to barrel roll, I started moving in the same direction.  But then she flung her wings out and started soaring high, and I tried to keep pace with her, keeping myself slightly lower in case she dove.  Then, something blew out of her hand, and with a strange speed, she tried to grab it, and almost passed me!  With trepidation, I moved myself so that I was in position.  She feinted right, I moved left, and suddenly she sped to the right like she knew I was there.  I moved backwards and to the right to keep  in the same position -

And she landed at the front doorstep of Berry Punch's home.  I sighed; trying to get Derpy to crash into the box was completely useless.  With a mournful sigh contemplating eternal limbo, I set down my notepad, turned around and started for the mountains -

When Derpy crashed right onto my box like a bird on an invisible starship.  I blinked, not believing what I saw, and the box shuddered.  Suddenly, it crashed to the ground, its non-existence unproven and its curious powers rendered moot.  Something shimmered along the end of the box, and the look on the pegasus's face turned from one of confusion to one of astonishment.

I blinked, realizing this was my chance.  I tapped on the glass and called out, hello?

Derpy blinked, her eyes scanning the glass surface before seeing me.  Her face changed a few times before settling on curiosity, and she said, "Hi, there.  What just happened?"

I started saying something before realizing that I didn't really have an answer for that.  "Well, really, I don't know.  I was trying to escape this box, and I figured if I could get something to recognize its existence then it would be able to hold me in."

Her look on her face subtly changed, becoming slightly concerned.  "And can you get out?"

I poked the barrier with a hoof.  "Nope.  It can't fly anymore, and it's not invisible, though."

"So, are you just going to stay in here, then?"

"Well, I have a plan B."  I started writing more.  "Can you get Pinkie Pie for me?"

"OK!"  She started to fly away, but turned around.  Oh, just so I know, what's that?" - D

I traced his hoof to my hooves.  "You mean this notepad?  I write stuff down on it, and it becomes true."

"If whatever you write comes true, then can't you just write yourself out of there?"

I freezed.  It was a strange, alien idea.  And yet it was so simple, so clever, that I found myself unable to comprehend that I hadn't had that idea.  Strangely, I found myself laughing.  A few snickers escaped my mouth, and I fought to hold them back, but soon full-on laughter escaped uncontrollably from my mouth.  Derpy started, "Oh, sorry.  I guess I'll go now," and flapped her wings to fly away.

Luckily, I managed to get ahold of myself and take in a quick gasp of air before saying, "No, please, it's a great idea."

I heard the wing beats stop.  "What?"

"I should have thought of this myself!  Hold on, I'm getting out."

With that, I wrote the fateful words, "and I was freed."

Suddenly, I found myself whisked out of the box which had confined me since all of my existence, and into the free world.  It was unbelievable.  Grass, houses, ponies!  And the flowers were so -

*a-choo!*

Well, maybe not everything was perfect.  Still, it was wondrous, and I found myself staring with my mouth agape at the world's splendor.  At least, until I got to Derpy.

"Hey, thanks for freeing me."

"It's no problem.  So, who are you?"

"Well, I'm the narrator."

Derpy giggled, which gave me a feeling that I had said something.  "No, silly, your name."

I paused.  I didn't have a name, did I?  Suddenly, a name came to me in a flash of inspiration.  "Stone Marks."  It felt good to say it, solid and sharp in my mind.  Yes, perhaps that was my name, after all.

"Funny, you remind me of a certain pony.  I think his name is Time Turner, but he calls himself the Doctor."

"Doctor who?"

"Exactly.  Oh, by the way, my name is Ditzy Doo, but most people call me Derpy Hooves, or Derpy for short."

Actually, I'd better get back home.  My kids are waiting for me."  And with that, Derpy started flying away.  But then, she paused, and added, "Hey, if you want to know where Town Hall is, it's -"

"Yeah, I do.  I'm the narrator, remember?"

"All right!  See you!"

"Bye!"

I waved my hoof and she waved hers until she was out of my sight.  Then, I sighed.  It was nice to be free, but I didn't know what to do.  My whole life, my whole existence, my whole being was as a omnipresent narrator, not some character in on the action!  I felt myself looking around, entirely confused on what to do next.

Well, Derpy had said that I should get to the town hall.  So, I took a look around to see my surroundings, and noticed a certain tree growing in the middle of the city.  With that landmark in mind, I set off for the Town Hall.

Before the beginning, there was a void.

After the end, there will be a void.

But everything that happens between the beginning and the end is worth it.  Even the stories that waste your time.

Like this one.  Because after all, this is only a story.

But for now, I suppose I'm still waiting for this story to