I DON'T WANT THESE LEMONS
The sun rose gently over the mountains. Sweet Apple Arches shinned in the warm yellow light. Red succulent apples dotted the endless field of trees. Applejack smiled with pride as she breathed in the aroma of… of…
“Lemons?!”
Indeed, Applejack smelled lemons. The once glorious sent of apples were replaced with the sweet and sour scent of lemons. She looked high and low between her beloved apple trees. All seemed fine saved for the foul stench that invaded her nostrils. Every step she took was a step closer to finding the snake in the grass. She growled when she lost the smell. Her fury peeked when a lemon clocked her in the head. Above her was a tall lemon tree. She swore she could hear the tree laughing at her.
“Lemons…” Applejack seethed with rage.
Thinking she could handle this problem on her own, she kicked the tree with all her might. This only resulted in a swarm of lemons pelting every inch of her body. The tree cackled with malicious joy at her pain. Applejack bashed her head against the tree and rewarded with another lemon to the head.
After her failed attempt to kick the tree out she decided to tie ropes to the tree and pull it out. With the ropes tightly knotted around the trunk and her chest she pulled. She dug into the earth with all her strength. The ground parted deeply as she ran away from the wooden monster. The cursed tree taunted her with each step. Unsuccessful and exhausted, Applejack gave up. Her face planted in dirt. The lemon tree called her nasty names with an evil howl.
This time, Applejack pulled out a truck. When and where she got a truck?
I don’t know, ask Hasbro.
Back to the story. Applejack reeved the engine. The tree sweated with fear. Applejack grinned with diabolical satisfaction. The reeving continued as though she was savoring the moment until the trees eventual demise. Then she slammed on the gas and crashed into the tree.
The tree was unharmed.
The truck, however, was totaled. Scraps of metal littered the landscape. Oil and grim slathered on grass and tree bark. Apple trees screamed in disgust. Applejack noted that they sounded a lot like Rarity.
Applejack turned her head and saw Rarity screeching her lungs out as she clawed at the filth in her precious white coat.
“Rarity? What are you doing here?” Applejack asked.
“I don’t know,” Rarity replied, “Why do you have a truck?”
The two stared at each other and decided to walk away in silence. Neither of them wished to answer the other’s question.
In truth, Rarity was there to flirt with Big Macintosh. She figured she could get some free apple products out of it. Or at least get a hilarious reaction out of Applejack, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle. Especially Sweetie Belle. All the gems in the world would be worth seeing Sweetie Belle’s reaction to her flirting with her sister’s friend’s brother.
Meanwhile, Applejack went to get her brother for help. Big Macintosh was snoozing in the barn.
“Big mac,” Applejack poked him.
“Eeyup?”
“Lemon tree…”
Big Mac leered at Applejack. He knew well enough what troubles lemon trees would cause. He also knew how much trouble it was to get rid on one. It was too much effort for him. There was far more important things for him to do. Napping being one of them.
“Nope,” he sighed before going back to sleep.
Applejack groaned and stormed out.
By now all her pride and anger subsided. She had one option left. She called her friends over to help.
“You called us out here for a lemon tree?” Rainbow asked.
“Eeyup,” Applejack sighed.
“Seriously? Isn’t this a good thing for you?”
“Nope.”
“Why?! It’s a lemon tree! You can sell those lemons,” Rainbow explained.
“I ain’t selling lemons!” Applejack stomped her hoof.
“Well you know what they say about lemons, right?”
“No!”
“Fine, but you owe me cider!”
“Deal.”
Rainbow flew up into orbit. She looked down on the speck of land that was Sweet Apple Arches. Her target was tiny but she could hit it with precise accuracy. She zoomed in, flying as fast as gravity could pull her. Wind scratched her skin. Ice formed over her body. The sound barrier broke as she delivered her patent Sonic Rainboom. Her target was seconds away from annihilation.
Applejack took cover behind a thick wall of earth. The Rainboom hit the tree. A loud explosion echoed across the land. Dust loomed for a minute. Rainbow’s cries could be faintly heard in the dense brown fog. Splintered wood, twigs, leaves, and smashed fruit scattered the area. Rainbow herself was in unimaginable pain. One of her wings was bent the wrong direction. Her hooves were cracked and bending in disgusting proportions. She looked like a train wreck. The entire area looked like a train wreck.
Except for that forsaken lemon tree!
“Applejack,” Rainbow moaned.
“Yes, sugarcube?”
“Call 911…”
With Rainbow in the hospital with Pinkie and Rarity visiting her, Applejack called Fluttershy over to help.
“Um… mister lemon tree,” Fluttershy whispered, “could you please leave Applejack’s farm?”
The lemon tree threw a lemon at her. The juice stung her eye.
“I’m sorry, Applejack,” Fluttershy whimpered as she ran away crying.
The tree asked Applejack if she was always like that. Applejack said she get better with each week. The tree respectfully disagreed.
With Rainbow and Fluttershy unable to help Applejack didn’t have many options. She refused to work with Rarity since she was a pompous unicorn that was too dainty to get a little dust on her hoof. That and the fact she was trying to seduce Big Mac, but she didn’t know that. So that left her with either Pinkie or Twilight. Since Twilight was busy with princess stuff that only left…
“Surprise!” Pinkie popped out of nowhere.
The sudden confetti cannon coupled with the yelling pink pony startled Applejack. She nearly went into cardiac arrest. Partly due to shock but mostly because she snuck in that fast food restaurant that served those really good hay burgers.
“Pinkie! I’m glad to see you but did you have to scare the jimmies out of me?”
“Aw, sorry AJ,” Pinkie pouted, “I just want to help you with your lemon problem.”
“That’d be very helpful, Pinkie,” Applejack smiled, ”What’d you have in mind?”
“A party!!!” the pink pony flared her arms passionately as confetti and balloons burst out of thin air.
Applejack facehoofed.
After the ridiculous party that was unhelpful and left Applejack incredibly angry, Pinkie giggled as though she knew it would only anger her country friend. The bouncy ball of pink fluff hopped away to her sugar shop. The tree comment on how fun the party was.
In desperation, Applejack asked for Twilght’s help.
“I don’t understand,” Twilight stated, “Isn’t this a good thing for you?”
“No it ain’t,” Applejack gritted her teeth.
“I don’t mean to offend but,” Twilight carefully chose her words, “selling just apples can only take you so far.”
“We sell different kinds of apples, apple cider, and baked apple goods!”
“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just… you know what they say about lemons…”
“NO! Don’t you dare say it!”
“Applejack, this is ridiculous. Just say it with me. When life gives you le-“
“You know what, Twi?” Applejack shouted, “When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade…” she trotted over to the lemon tree.
“Make life take the lemons back!” she kicked the tree with a powerful kick.
“Get mad!” a sharp hoof slammed against the tree’s trunk.
“I DON’T WANT YOUR DARN LEMONS,” she slammed her whole body against the tree, “WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH THESE?”
She picked up a couple lemons with a scowl, “DEMAND TO SEE LIFE’S MANAGER,” she threw the lemons at the tree, “MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY IT THOUGHT IT COULD GIVE THE ELEMENT OF HONESTY LEMONS!”
Applejack sneered at the yellow mush, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M THE MARE THAT’S GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!” she thought for a moment, “WITH THE LEMONS!”
The frightfully angry mare grabbed Twilight by the throat, “I’M GOING TO GET TWILIGHT TO INVENT A COMBUSTABLE LEMON TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!!”
With that, Applejack bashed Twilight against the tree so hard the tree jumped out of the ground and went soaring across the sky, over the mountains, and into space.
She wasn’t done just yet. Applejack slammed the purple princess on the ground. This made each fallen lemon jump up with terror. Applejack mercilessly batted the lemons to the moon. The alicorn was limp and dizzy. Whelps and sores covered her back and front. Sour juice stuck to her mane and coat. The scent of lemony freshness stuck to her like a wine stain on pearly white carpet. Applejack dropped her broken friend.
“Thanks for the help, Twi,” the farmer said with a smile.
Twilight groggily tried to say ‘no problem’ only for her words to be muffled by a lemon stuck in her mouth.
The sun started setting. Applejack was ready for bed. She left the grand battle against the lemon tree in triumph. Twilight laid in the field of apple trees, unable to move due to unconsciousness. The moon rose peacefully in the night sky. Stars shinning brightly as the day finally came to a close.
Canterlot, the next night
Princess Luna hummed a delightful tune as she passed by Celestia with a pitcher of lemonade.
Celestia stopped and turned to her sister, “Luna, where did you get the lemonade?”
Luna turned with a brilliant smile, “Someone gifted us with a lemon tree on the moon!”
