Between a Rock and A Nice Place

by The Joeker

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Dark, Comedy, Romance, Tragedy
Length: 3360

My name is Joe and I was transported to Equestria when it was my 18th birthday, some birthday, eh? as a stranger in this new world I had little clue as to what I would do, but I found help and solace in Princess Celestia and much much more than that.

(Sort of a self-insertion… Some fiction thrown in to make it interesting.)

Hey, name's Joe, on my 18th birthday I was transported to Equestria… no idea how I got there, but armed with my limited knowledge of MLP and an arsenal, I just may survive.

What? No, I'm not going to kill anyone!

Or pony! Chill man.

But… can I even die? the ponies are nonviolent… maybe I can help them… maybe.

I'm not the best at Maths, I'm not the best looking, but goddamnit I'm passionate when I put my mind to something! Although, I can't just tell them what will happen, they'll call me crazy! Maybe I am… Maybe that's why I'm here, my world is now filled with 'maybes' but I can't doubt myself, not now, not when i've got to live my life here.

But being a quite shy, depressed and antisocial individual, it just makes it harder to live in a world with no place for such a being, maybe they can convince me otherwise? Especially when I was planning to commit suicide, but maybe they can help me reshape my life…

This will contain some hopefully comical moments and some sad.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-12 17:41:51 UTC

18th year.

My 24th birthday... my 24th year on Earth, it was fun, I'll grant, but I could actually enjoy the night seeing as I wasn't nearly as wasted as my friends who were currently passed out in my car as we drove to a job.

Everyone else had already gone home via taxi or, god help them who did, walked.

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime, right? Well that was true to the two knobheads asleep in the back of my new car, luckily asleep and not puking... yet.

I turned into the parking lot in the car they got me for my birthday, they gave it to me a few days ago though, a Cadillac Ciel 4-door Convertible. (IRL it was a Ford Fiesta)

"Right guys, up." I said as I looked to the seats behind me and tapped it, waking the drunks up.

"Huh? oh ok, come on Jonner."(it is said: John-er or John-a, a as in apple) said Lee, he was a slightly chubby guy, but not full on fat, one of my best friends.

We got out the car. This is me explaining why I carry a gun on me for the story. It'd be weird to just carry a gun for no reason in Britain, wouldn't it?

"Joe? 'Ere lad." Said Jonner and threw me the bag... I hadn't known him for more than 4 years but he was now another one of my best friends, Jonner was a bodybuilder mostly, and standing 0'5 inches more than me came in at 6'7.

"Lee lad, stay 'ere and look after the car." I said.

"Roger that sir." He said sarcastically.

"Sup' lads?" Came the voice of another good friend.

"Will, lad. You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, sound lad, it's shit innit?" He asked.

"Yeah lad." I replied.

"You know I don't want ya doin' this lad." He said.

"It's money though innit?" I asked.

"I know. Right lad, you got your stuff?" He asked. I pulled out my silenced AMT Automag V.

"Snuck this from the armory before I left lad." I smiled.

"Right, come on. Ballies on lads." Said Will. We put our balaclavas on.

We walked into an alleyway from the street we were on. There they were.

"Look who showed up." Said the leader.

"Cut the shit lad. We doin' this or what?" Asked Will.

"Fine lad. E' are." He said and passed me a duffel bag while I passed him ours.

"It's all good lad." I said.

"Fuckin' shut up unless you wanna get a fuckin' bullet." Said the leader, holding a gun in one hand, pointing at my face while holding the bag in the other.

"You wanna fuckin' go?!" I asked, going up to him. We both smiled behind our masks.

"Nah you're sound J lad." Said Leo, the guy we were doing business with. We were friends, but it was his gang we didn't trust.

"Stuff's sound. Joe, you clean up, Leo. Let's talk lad." Said Will.

"Lad, I need a smoke." Said Jonner.

"Go 'ead lad." I nodded. He went out the ally for a smoke...

"Right lads. The coke's good." Nodded Leo, they all left.

We headed back to the car.

;2 hours later;

I dropped the two idiots off at their house.

"Sure you don't wanna come in Joe? we've got room." Said Lee.

"I'm sure, I'll head to Marl's, he only lives 3 miles away." I said, I had brought a bag of clothes, food and other things in anticipation of this exact situation occurring, well my family insisted I bring it everywhere to be prepared for anything, why? you'll see in 3 lines.

"Ok, see ya Joe." said Lee and they waved, I got out and lit a cigarette as they entered the house...

;5 minutes later;

I threw the stump down, stepped on it, twisted my foot and turned, to reveal two guys in hoodies.

"Hey, you got any money?" asked one kid.

"Yeah, I'm minted." I replied sarcastically.

"You're still gonna give me your money." said the kid and held a knife toward me.

"Am I?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Or what?" I asked.

"Or this!" yelled the kid and lunged, I moved to the side and grabbed his arm and twisted, and I broke it, he yelled out and I delivered an uppercut to his chin.

He went down and his friend slashed my stomach, luckily I managed to jump backwards to avoid a deep cut. I got my gun out and shot him point blank in the stomach.

I got into my car and chuckled as I backed out of their driveway and drove down the road, I wouldn't go down without a fight.

"Fuckin' amateurs..." I laughed. I had been a coke dealer's bodyguard before my career in the military. They were just thugs.

Me? I was an 24 year old man, I did weights, I was quite muscular due to my military job, and at 6'2 I was quite tall, I wasn't the best looking guy, I had a few spots on my face, which were disappearing gradually luckily.

My reasons for choosing military service? Other than possible death? My grandad was in the military, the Royal Marines on fact, very different to the army, much more grueling, I was earning my green beret soon. My dad was in the M.O.D, Ministry of Defence, my grandad's brother was marine lightweight champion at one time, military record throughout.

Back to the journey, there were trees surrounding me on all sides, nature providing tranquility and peace for my journey, I basked in it for a while.

If you're wondering why I wasn't bothered about the cut... Well, in the Marines your squad strip you down and tie barbed wire to your body. Move an inch... Ouch. That increased your pain tolerance massively...

Eventually I was getting on the M58 motorway out of Old Skelmersdale, which was oddly empty, usually there are at least one or two cars going past.

I had a yellow shirt on, with black jeans and black shoes, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the bullet with my name carved into it.

I twiddled it in one of my fingers for a while before turning my CD's on.

"Hmm hmm hmm Marching Orders..." I softly sang while speeding down the motorway.

After that song I checked my SatNav.

Only a mile to Marl's left...

I put a more upbeat song on... two words...

Barbra Streisand...

Suddenly as I closed my eyes for a second, I saw bright lights heading toward me... odd seeing as I was in the right section of the motorway for where I was going... maybe an American driver? No, Americans aren't stupid, or at least THAT stupid. Kidding.

As I tried to avoid it, it seemed to follow my car... and was getting closer...

I was going to fast to suddenly stop, I'd see who it was...

As I got closer to it the light started to blind me.

"Figures..." I mumbled as I passed through the light into unconsciousness, hearing squealing tires and a crash moments later, just before I faded I saw a sharp piece of metal pierce my stomach...

...

"AH! wh- wha..." I yelled and mumbled as I woke back up at my wheel.

I looked down and saw myself bleeding, it looked as though something pierced my flesh but never got all the way through, looks like the car is fine, but I'm not!

It wasn't a slash... Something had pierced my torso while I was driving...

I opened my car door and went to the boot and got my pack out, taking my top off slowly yet still painfully.

"Fuck..." I groaned and opened the front zip, getting some bandages and stitching gear.

I first laid down, in my car with my top off, if there was internal damage I was fucked, I'd just have to stitch this up myself. Luckily they train you how to deal with your own wounds...

I got my gear ready and surveyed it for a second.

"Fuck... Thank God I know how to do this..." I said.

I poured disinfectant on my stomach, meriting a yelp from me, I put the bottle lid on and put it to the side, I had the needle through the thread and started digging the needle in.

"Ah... Shit..." I grumbled, if you made a sound louder than a mumble while patching, they kicked you. as I finished the stitching and was left panting and in dire pain.

I managed to get up shakily and get the bandages ready.

I wrapped it around my waist and the affected area, putting a few layers on.

"That'll have to do..." I decided, I realised I was stuck in a forest, walking would be easy, but I'd have to leave my car.

I grabbed my bag and got out my gray hoodie and trackies, putting them on and putting the bloody clothes in a separate place of the bag.

I got a tarpaulin out from the boot and covered the car up, locking it and taking the keys.

I started to limp away, following the beaten path.

I kept limping, hearing things all around me, I took in my surroundings, wow my grandad would to the Vulcan Death Hold on me if he knew I didn't already do this...(my grandad uses his two fingers and his thumb on the back of your neck and pinch, god it hurts...)

I looked around me and noticed the colouration looked... odd... familiar, but odd.

I was still my own colour, and looked out of place.

Eventually I came across... no... it wasn't... some kind of joke...

A cottage... similar to Fluttershy's from MLP...

(This was a little before I discovered FimFiction, so I wasn't suspicious.)

I went over to it and was about to go to the door when I looked behind me and saw the rabbit... err... Angel! that's right! he was running toward the cottage and I hid behind the wall, I instead headed to town after he entered.

I went to the White Tail woods I think they were called and got on a hill overlooking Ponyville.

I sat down to rest and heard trumpets play, also hearing a clock chime.

I saw the flying chariot overhead and almost had a panic attack, well I was correct, Equestria...

I looked up and saw Princess Celestia in her chariot, and my jaw almost dropped when I saw her... she was... beautifu- err Goddess-like, ahem, these are ponies damnit!

I looked and saw my bandages weren't dirtied yet, no blood had leaked through.

But I was still in pain.

I decided to go and introduce myself, what better time than when the Princess was there?

I got up and headed to the edge of the woods, suddenly, I felt dizzy and slumped against a tree, managing to get the bag off my shoulder and put it down at my side.

"I..." I started to try to say something before passing out.

Time and Time Again...

I awoke to a pulsing in my ears and my laboured breathing, still slumped against the tree, the pain in my stomach still there.

I groaned and used the tree for leverage to get up.

"Has it really passed that time?" I asked as I looked at my phone, I got an IPhone 6 Gold for my birthday, and every so often I'd do this.

I reached into my bag and sat back down pulling my knees close to my chest, and pulled out my Colt and golden bullet.

I twirled it again and stared ahead, watching things unveil in Ponyville, it looked as though they were chasing some kind of featherless chicken... possibly Celestia's Phoenix?

No matter, I twirled the bullet for a few seconds before getting an empty clip from my bag and slotting it in.

I looked on and saw the bird coming back from the flames, as Celestia explained and Twilight gave her friendship report...

Heh, friendship, to be truthful, Lee, Johnner and Marl were my only friends, everyone else at the party was just looking for an excuse to drink, and I hardly ever see Johnner and Lee, Marl was more frequent but I still didn't him much either... truthfully I was alone, the only thing keeping me going protecting my little brother, he is technically my cousin but we're close enough to be brothers.

I took my hoodie off, put it in my bag and inspected my wounds, they were starting to bleed through the bandages...

I put the clip in the gun and chambered the bullet and put the gun barrel to my head, suddenly I felt a rush of wind and saw the Princesses bird next to me, looking at me with a scolding look...

"Shoo! go on!" I harshly whispered, suddenly I dropped my hands over my knees and sighed, but I also felt a single stitch rip, I could never do it, did that make me a coward? or make me brave?

"Philomena!" I heard a soft yet commanding voice call.

"You better go." I said to the bird, then it gave me a look to say 'I'm telling...' suddenly it squaked like a bleeding siren!

I jumped up painfully, put one of my bags straps on my back and legged it...

-Meanwhile Philomena's POV-

As I saw my mother Celestia run up with her student and her friends, Celestia raised an eyebrow.

"What is it?" asked Twilight to the me.

"She sometimes does this if somepony is in danger..." said my mother, sounding sceptical.

I nodded furiously.

"Oh my!" exclaimed Fluttershy.

"But she could just be pulling our hind legs." said Celestia with a glance toward me.

I shook and jumped around where he had been sitting, where scuff marks are.

"She's right! she's jumping in blood!" exclaimed Flutter- I stopped... blood?!

I looked down and saw a pool of blood where he had been sitting... he was going to hurt himself with that thing he was holding! I know it! he was already hurt!

I suddenly jumped on my mother's back and squawked in her ear, I never did this unless it was important... or Luna told me to...

"Girls! this is serious now!" said Celestia and the girls nodded with a fixed glare.

We started to follow the blood trail, I jumped up and soared off to find him while my mother disappeared in white light.

-Meanwhile, My POV-

I ran... and ran... and ran...

My stomach had reopened slightly and I was bleeding, badly.

Suddenly a pony teleported in front of me... Celestia! her eyes were white from the teleport...

-Celestia's POV-

I pinpointed the pony's location and teleported in front of him/her, but the sudden teleport and brightness rendered me unable to see for a few seconds...

-My POV-

Wait... was she blind?

Maybe a side effect that lasts a few seconds...

Luckily my cousin taught me how to freerun and parkour, I dropped to the floor and hugged my bag to my chest, sliding beneath her.

I jumped back up, red as a tomato from clutching my backpack so hard., but didn't waste any time as I had reopened a few more stitches.

Suddenly I saw RD come in, in a swoop toward me to stop me, but there was sun glare so she couldn't properly see me, I moved left at the last minute and she crashed into Rarity and Pinkie, who had just turned a corner with Fluttershy hiding behind said corner.

I saw AJ, also in the sun glare, she threw a lasso at me and I caught it, she closed her eyes and pulled, I jumped on a tree with one foot, put the loop on a branch and left her to find out, as I dropped, I reopened another few stitches and fell over, going arse over teakettle into a gorge.

I got up and limped further in, losing blood fast.

I used branches for leverage to move faster.

I coughed blood and fell over again, I heard foothoofsteps behind me and I crawled away, getting behind a tree trunk and sitting down, wheezing, I spat blood on the floor, seeing that damned bird on a branch looking at me, and squawked as I lost consciousness.

-Princess Celestia's POV-

How had he avoided seven of us?

Me and Twilight should've been able to catch him, one minute I saw a silhouette, the next it dropped to the floor and disappeared...

Suddenly a squawk was heard from Philomena and we ran toward it, we found her and... an odd creature slumped against a tree, bleeding from it's midsection and breathing heavily.

"OH MY GOSH!" exclaimed Fluttershy and ran over to it.

"It was scared... why was it scared of me?" asked Pinkie and her mane slightly deflated.

"It was scared of all of us Pinks." reassured Rainbow which made her a little better.

"It looks bad..." said AJ.

"He was injured by an object, he stitched himself up, which would have been fine, but we and Philomena must have scared him so he ran away and reopened his stitches..." said Fluttershy.

"He?!" asked everypony, including me.

"Yes! I do know anatomy you know?" asked Fluttershy.

"How is he?" I asked, concerned for his health.

"Oh right! Twilight, take him to the library, Rainbow, help me gather my first aid things from my cottage, my house isn't big enough for all of us." she... almost demanded.

Everypony nodded and I tried to use my magic to put him on my back, but magic didn't work on him!

Twilight put him on AJ's back and tied him to her using the lasso so he wouldn't fall.

"Boy is he heavy!" exclaimed AJ and jumped slightly to reinforce her point, which made him cough blood violently.

"APPLEjACK! BE CAREFUL WITH HIM! if could please..." scolded Fluttershy.

Applejack's ears were back at her friends outburst, and saw the blood he coughed up.

"Ah course." she nodded, we all started to run from the forest, with Applejack having to stop when he coughed.

We burst into the library.

"SPIKE! CLEAR THE BED!!!" yelled Twilight, I saw Spike wake up and run to the bedroom as Applejack carried him up.

"Why? wha- Princess Celestia!" exclaimed Spike and bowed instantly.

"It's ok Spike, no need." I said quickly and used magic to untie the rope around him, before nudging him from Applejack's back onto the bed.

"What is that?"

"You mean who is that?" I asked him with a raised eyebrow, he gasped and corrected himself.

I couldn't help but feel partially responsible for him.

Suddenly Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash burst in and we cleared the way.

Fluttershy put her hoof near him, he grabbed it instantly and was bleeding from his mouth, Fluttershy asked Rainbow to hold his claw down as gentle as she could.

She started to pierce his skin with a needle and stopped instantly as he thrashed and roared, I held his other claw down and as soon as he saw me, he calmed...

He held a gaze on me for a second, when Fluttershy started again, he never moved, never made a sound, and let her work, it seemed impossible... anypony would still be thrashing no matter what, he held his gaze on me, then he looked around in wonder .

Silence as she sewed his stomach up, apart from his laboured breathing.

When she finished she had blood all over her hooves and muzzle, Spike had prepared and brought her a basin of water.

I noticed it had gone from me holding his claw down, to him holding my hoof gently, I looked over to him and saw he had passed out.

Fluttershy noticed and quickly moved over, putting an ear to his mouth, she sighed in relief as he breathed.

"Come on girls, he should be up in an hour." said Fluttershy.

"I will keep an eye on him, and call you when he wakes." I said, he still was gently holding my hoof.