The Celestial War

by vorxil

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance
Length: 2728

When Cadance and Luna realized they shipped Celestia differently, there was only one way to settle their differences. Unfortunately for Spike, he was a living weapon of mass destruction in their shipping war.

When Cadance and Luna realized they shipped Celestia differently, there was only one way to settle their differences. Unbeknownst to Luna, however, Cadence had a secret weapon. A weapon so powerful, it could set the world ablaze.

Everyone would be powerless before her, for its name was Spike.

Published 2015-08-12 14:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-12 14:30:01 UTC

Let The War Begin

The Celestial War
Written by vorxil

"Bring in the subject."

The chamber was dark, damp and cold. Or at least, it appeared to be dark as Spike couldn't see through the bag over his head. Neither could he move, his arms and legs were strapped to a cold table. He tried to speak but his snout couldn't move. Something was holding it in place. What few grunts he made seemed to fall on deaf ears. Even worse, he felt the table moving.

Several hoofsteps could be heard nearby, echoing throughout the area. The table moved left and right and kept moving down and down. Almost certainly, it was a downward spiral. It took ages for the table to level out, but it didn't stop moving.

How far deep was he, in elevation and trouble? He didn't remember how he ended up in his predicament. He had merely been minding his business in the castle, making a sweet pancake in the kitchen when a purple light had flashed from behind. Before he had been able to turn around and see who had ambushed him, it all went dark. He had been unable to feel a thing.

"Subject has been delivered." That was a female voice. One he almost certainly could recognize.

The table stopped. Now he was worried. Nothing could prepare him for the horrors that awaited him.

"Excellent. You may go." Another female, a bit farther away. It, too, felt eerily familiar.

His eyes were blinded as the bag came off his head. Initially, he couldn't make out who was in the chamber with him; the light was simply too bright. Eventually, colors came back. They were rough, the details hadn't set in yet but he could spot a big splotch of pink in front of him. Well, above him. Pink wasn't the only color. Violet, rose as well as gold colors intermingled with each other into a long fuzzy blob.

"Good evening, Spike." There it was again, that familiar voice.

The details became much clearer. A pair of light-purple crescent eyes gleamed in the ambient light. Below it, a smile. But it wasn't a happy smile. No, this was one of pure evil. Surely. Or at least one that wanted to inflict bodily harm. Memories rushed back into his head, he had seen that face before. It all became clear when a pink hoof removed the restraints on his snout.

"P-Princess Cadance?" he nervously asked. If he could move his extremities, he would have curled up into a fetal position.

An evil giggle emanated from the pink alicorn, whose feathers rustled from the delight of her evil thoughts.

"W-What's going on? Why am I—" His sentence was cut off by a hoof stuck in his mouth.

"Hush, now, my little dragon," Cadance softly spoke as a shiver ran down Spike's spine. "Everything will be just fine." Another giggle, even more intense than before. She gazed to her left and beckoned another figure. A white unicorn with a mane of varying shades of blue.

"Yes, hon?" the figure spoke into her ear.

"Are the preparations done, Shiny?" she whispered in return, her teeth blooming in the light.

A flick of blue light emanated from Shining Armor's horn as he pulled over several jars. Each one contained an orange mixture with tiny yellow bits in it. "Nopony can stand against us now." He returned with an evil smile of his own.

Spike struggled to speak with his muffled mouth. "H-Hey just wait a minute!" He shouldn't have said that, for now his captors turned their malignant gazes at him, smiling maniacally.

"No need to worry, Spike," Cadance spoke with a grinning face. "We just need you to do something for us."

"I-I'm not agreeing to anything until you t-tell me what's going on." Spike's face grew more and more terrified.

"He has a point, we should tell him," Shining spoke out of character to his wife.

An aggravated Cadance broke out of character too and shook her saliva-soaked hoof at the ceiling. "Ugh!" she groaned with rolling eyes and turned to Shining. A disappointed look formed on her face. "Must you always ruin the moment?"

"He has rights, we can't force him to do anything."

"I'm a princess. He's a subject. I can force him to do whatever I want." With squinted eyes that gazed beside Shining, Cadance continued, "Pretty sure that's the law."

An eyebrow rose on Shining's face as he confusingly asked, "Wait, it is?"

Cadance glanced back at Shining with the same expression. "Well it must be. Celestia does it all the time."

"Um..." Spike tried to raise a claw in vain, only to be stopped by the straps.

"Fine," Cadance spoke to Spike with a scowl. "If you must know, we're at war." Her hoof was planted onto Spike's chest. "And you are going to help us win it."

"I am? Why haven't I heard about i—"

"It started recently," Cadance interrupted Spike. "Now will you help us or not?"

"I dont know..."

Cadance turned her scowl into a sugarcoating smile. "You'll get a statue. A big one even," she tried to sell it to Spike. She raised her hoof into the air and waved it like her aunt used to do for her. "And a lifetime supply of gems and donuts."

"I will?!" Spike jumped out as far as he could considering he was strapped to a table. "Where do I sign up?"

Cadance summoned a bundle of papers and a bottle of ink. With a flick of her horn, she dipped Spike's paw in the ink. "Just sign these papers here,"—she pushed each paper onto Spike's paw—"here, here, and here."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Now I own your body as well as your soul." Cadance grinned as she turned to Shining, oblivious to Spike's face of regret. "Get the syringes, we'll be working all night."

"S-Syringes?" Spike grew more terrified every second.

"Indeed. Do you have any idea where you are?"

Spike shook his head, terrified of what he'd hear.

Cadance showed around with her hoof and with a smile continued, "This was once Sombra's darkest, deepest and most terrifying secret torture dungeon. We found this a few months back and converted it to our secret biological warfare laboratory where we now develop our weapons for when we inevitably decide to declare independence and secede from Equestria."

Spike was shocked by that revelation. "Seriously?!"

"No, it's a wine cellar, Spike," Cadance deadpanned. "Try to keep up."

"Good vintage, too!" Shining added to the conversation.

"You're not helping," Cadance dismissed her husband's off-topic opinion.

"I still don't know what you're going to do to me," Spike replied as sweat ran down his cheeks.

"Oh that's simple, Spike." Cadance placed her hooves onto the tables, all giddy-like. "We're turning you into a weapon of mass destruction. A weapon so powerful that nopony can stand against us." Her face turned into a scowl as she continued, "Not even that defiler, Luna."

Spike turned confused. "Your aunt? What's she done?"

Cadance stood up on her back legs, wings spread out and forehooves shaking at the ceiling. With furious frown, she shouted in the traditional Royal Canterlot voice, "ONLY THE MOST HEINOUS CRIME OF ALL SHIPPING!" and slammed her hooves down onto floor, cracking it. "I will not let this stand."

"I do love it when you throw a fit, hon." Shining returned with a silver platter full of syringes and other medical equipment.

"Can it, Shiny, and get to work," Cadance spoke as she gave a death stare to her husband. "We need to be ready before sunrise."

A rope covered in bright pink levitated around Spike's snout as it was once more restrained. He could only watch in horror as syringe after syringe full of the orange mixture injected their contents into his body.

***

The fire in the hearth was raging as the moon rose over the mountains. Princess Luna stood in her chambers, pondering her war plans as somepony knocked on the door.

"Enter." She didn't even turn to face the door.

It was a thestral, one of her Lunar Guard. The scrolls on his back rolled back and forth as he approached his princess and commander-in-chief. He bowed so low he practically lay on the floor.

"Your Highness," he respectfully uttered, "I bring the reports you have requested."

She stared into the open expanse of Equestria. "What news dost thou bringest?"

"The Lunar Guard stand ready, faithfully, and are awaiting Your orders, Your Highness."

"What of the others?"

"The Crystal Guard have turned against us, Your Highness, as anticipated."

"And the Royal Guard?"

"They..." he grasped for words, "they and all other guards have cited a stance of neutrality, Your Highness."

Luna slammed her right hoof onto the floor, cracking the marble tile. "Despicable traitors!" With a scowl, she continued, "Is this how they repay their Princess? Their ruler? With a stab in the back?!"

"There is one more thing, Your Highness."

Luna turned to the guard with a raised eyebrow. "Hmm?"

"A message from one of Your spies, Your Highness."

He held out a sealed note that was quickly enveloped in a blue aura. With ease, the seal was broken and the content of the note lay bare to the Princess. She quickly read through it, squinting as she got towards the end.

"What art thou planning, Mi Amore Cadenza?" she asked herself in a soft voice. She turned to the guard and ordered him, "Bringest Us all the files thou hast on Spike, everything thou knowest about him since his birth, sorted from most recent."

"We live to serve, Your Higness," he bowed and ran off to find the files.

Luna turned her gaze back to the open expanse and squinted. "We will discover thy secret, Mi Amore Cadenza, and thou will beg for Our mercy. For Our ship is truest and willeth prevail."

***

Dawn had cracked in Ponyville and the humble little town was unusually active. Mostly because of all the screaming townsponies as two massive hordes of armored ponies were approaching from both sides. From the east, the black-clad Lunar Guard marched with Luna at the spearhead in her royal armor. From the west, glittering crystal ponies marched with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor, who rode in their royal armors in a crystal chariot. Behind the chariot, a wagon covered by a large blanket was being pulled.

The two armies stopped at the town square, each one glaring down each other as Luna stepped up.

"HAST THOU COMETH TO SURRENDER THYSELF TO THE ONE TRUE SHIP, CADENZA?!" she shouted in the traditional Royal Canterlot voice, holding a hoof in the air and pointing at Cadance.

Cadance blew out a cloud of hot air from her nostrils and replied in her own traditional Royal Canterlot voice, "YOUR HERESY ENDS HERE, LUNA!"

Luna returned with an even greater volume. "THY DISLOYALTY WILLETH BE THINE END!" Nearby buildings shook as if in an earthquake. "TO ARMS!"

Cadance matched Luna's volume and shouted, "IT WILL BE YOUR END AND NOT MINE, LUNA!" She turned to her soldiers and ordered, "PREPARE THE WEAPON!"

The blanket covering the wagon was pulled off, revealing a crystal pedestal with a sickly Spike strapped to it. Shining moved it over in front of him with a levitation spell. Luna couldn't help but giggle.

"ART THOU INCAPABLE OF GROWING A PUNY DRAGON?" she shouted with a hoof near her gleeful smile.

Cadance only smiled back mockingly. "BEHOLD! WEAPONIZED DRAGON SNEEZE!"

Luna's eyes widened in a blinking-eye take, her pupils shrunk to tiny dots.

"TAKE AIM!" Cadance shouted as Shining pointed Spike's head at Luna. With a scowling smile, she ordered, "FIRE!"

Shining pulled with all his might on Spike's tail, gritting his teeth as he did so. Spike felt like the tail was being ripped off while simultaneously the biggest sneeze he had ever had was about to unfold in his snout.

As Spike opened his mouth, an immense condensed fireball, ten times his size, built up in front of him. The ground in front of him melted and formed super-hot glass. As he released the fireball in a humongous and deafening sneeze, he twisted his head up just slightly as a reflex.

The ball of fire flew off at a hypersonic velocity, narrowly grazed Luna and her horde and slammed into the mountain behind her, obliterating it. Fire and magma rained down onto the countryside and onto Canterlot. Pyroclastic flows rushed down the remains of the mountain and barely missed Ponyville, instead burning down the Everfree Forest.

This was not anticipated, Luna thought as her right eye twitched ferociously.

At this point, Cadance went mad with power. "INCREASE FIREPOWER!"

As she uttered those words, Shining shoved a syringe into Spike and began pumping more and more of the orange mixture. Spike's chest bulged out like a melon, his eyes releasing rivers of pain. Her guards were looking nervously at their insane princess.

Cadance shouted one last time, "THIS WORLD WILL BURN!" and laughed maniacally.

Luna genuinely feared for her life.

Shining grabbed Spike's tail, preparing to release an apocalyptic dragon sneeze. But before he could pull, a bright flash of light blinded everyone.

"PRINCESS CADANCE AND PRINCESS LUNA!" a heavenly shout rained down upon them in the traditional Royal Canterlot voice. "CEASE AND DESIST!"

Down from the heavens descended Celestia. With a flick of her horn, she pulled both troublesome alicorns to her, laying them down at her hooves. "Just what do you think you're doing?" she furiously asked. "Canterlot is melting, a whole mountain has been obliterated and the Everfree Forest is set ablaze. I should banish you both to the moon for this recklessness."

"Cadance started it," Luna quickly responded out of character with her usual begging puppy eyes.

"Excuse me?" Cadance snapped at Luna. "Your heresy brought this upon Equestria!"

Luna shoved her face at Cadance's. Right in front of Celestia, she argued, "You're the one who built a weapon of mass destruction!"

"Well I have to defend myself from your unfair advantage!"

"Oh, so that's what we're calling it now?!"

"Twilestia is the best and one true ship!"

"No, Dislestia is the best and one true ship!"

"TWILESTIA!"

"DISLESTIA!"

"SHUT UP!" Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs, sending out a sonic boom that shattered every window in Ponyville, and slammed her hooves onto the ground. Her mane temporarily roared up into a solar flare.

The two arguing princesses were silent at last as Celestia calmed down. "I don't care whom you ship me with."

"You don't?" Cadance and Luna responded simultaneously.

"Frankly, I find it rather silly." Celestia sighed. "Now can you please stop arguing and fix the mess you've caused?"

Cadence looked down at her hooves and sighed. "Yes, aunt..."

Luna followed suit. "Yes, sister..."

With her mind sated, Celestia flew off to put out the fires in Canterlot, while Luna and Cadance ordered their troops to stand down and help clean up the mess. Spike continuously groaned, his chest felt like it was about to explode.

As Cadance worked out the orders, she couldn't shake a question off her mind. "Why did you think I would grow Spike, Luna?" she asked.

"I thought it would be the obvious choice when you kidnapped Spike."

With narrowed eyes, Cadance replied, "You knew?"

Luna pridefully lifted her head. "Twilight told me. I knew she'd be a dependable source of information."

"That traitor!" Cadance slammed her hoof. "I trusted her and she spied on me!"

"Serves you well, niece," Luna mocked.

A white light flashed behind them. "Actually, she spied for me on both of you," Celestia added.

"Despicable traitor!" Luna slammed her hoof.

A purple light flashed behind all three. "I actually only did it to ensure my own true ships by making you eliminate each other."

"YOU WHAT?!" Luna and Cadance shockingly turned around.

"How else am I supposed to eliminate the competition?" Twilight asked while giggling. "You have an unfair advantage."

Both Cadance and Luna squinted at Twilight.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Luna asked Cadance.

"You get the troops, I'll get the dragon," Cadance responded coldly.

"I-I still get my s-stuff, r-right?" Spike barely managed to hold in a massive sneeze.

"No," Cadance and Luna deadpanned.

Celestia facehoofed. "Just end it all, Spike."