Alternative Swearing

by Damien Darkside

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person
Length: 4077

Ponies don't like naughty words. You help them out by giving them human alternatives. Silliness follows.

Being the Royal Advisor for Celestia and Luna, you've come up with solutions for many of the nation's problems.

Unfortunately you said a naughty word in front of a guard. Seeing as how these ponies are extremely sensitive, you lie your way out of it.

The events that follow could only be described as "completely stupid".

Rated Teen for naughty words being said.

Thanks to Zephyr for editing.

Featured within 1 hour and 30 minutes on Aug 12, 2015. Thank you guys so much!

Good thing I was reading this on the toilet, because this story made me lose my shit. -LeoneHaxor

Published 2015-08-12 20:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-12 20:40:02 UTC

Bad Words

Author's Note

I'm Canadian though so I can't be a bad person.

Bad Words

Alternative Swearing!

You are late.

You are very late getting to day court. Your job, the Royal Advisor, isn’t one to take lightly. Maybe if Equestria could get proper digital clocks instead of plain waiting for the sun to get up, this wouldn’t be a problem. Alas, you are now almost half an hour late to the only job you think you could do. Running through the halls you’ve narrowly avoided three maids and a guard’s spear. Celestia was going to be displeased, and when she is displeased she eats your share of the cakes.

So to take your mind off of how you might actually be fired, you thought of how you got this job in the first place.

You’ve been in Equestria for about three years now, and you were having quite a good time so far. Sure there was that paralyzing bit where you realized you were not ever going to be going home, but you got out of it fairly quickly. Why wouldn’t you? This world is filled with mythical creatures and magic for crying out loud.

Sure you missed the internet, but considering how you could talk to a pegasus, eat meat with a griffon, and even high-five a minotaur you were too distracted to care. Not only that but you were able to actually meet a real life dragon! Sure it was a baby dragon but it didn’t matter. Still counts.

After you got to Equestria in a dimensional mix-up involving something with a toaster, a quesadilla, an Austin Powers VHS and a botched teleportation spell, you lived mostly in Canterlot. It was a big and bustling capital city and reminded you more of the major cities you’ve been to back home. Plus with all the immigrants and royal visits from other nations, you didn’t freak out the population as much as you could have in some hick town.

When you met Princess Celestia, you were brought into the courtroom in the middle of a property fight between two ponies. There was a tree directly in the middle of both their properties and they were each trying to claim the tree for their own. Their families were on each side of the courtroom and you could tell that they were all distraught. You heard from a guard that the families were both very friendly, and the only thing to come between them was literally this old tree.

You thought it was pretty fucking stupid to be fighting over a tree.

When you approached them the guards looked like they were about to pounce you. Celestia saw you and for some reason extended her right wing, as to tell them to stay back. She turned to you, “It is quite rude to interfere with day court, do you have something to say about this argument unknown one?”

“Yeah, why don’t you both just share the tree?”

The ponies looked at you as if you were speaking German.

“No seriously, if this a fruit-bearing tree?” you asked the stallion on the right, unicorn with a grey coat.

“Uh, no.” He replied with shock and some fear.

You turned to your left to talk to the other pegasus, a pink mare. “Does the tree hold any magical abilities?”

“N-not that we can detect.” She squeaked.

“Well then, are we to assume that this tree, one that has grown for quite a while and without issue, has absolutely no benefit apart from being a tree?”

“Y-es.” Both parties shakily replied.

You bent down and looked at them both. “Then share the thing and get out of here. You are probably tearing your families apart and unless one of you isn’t picking up the leaves then you got nothing to complain about. Seriously is there really any reason to be fighting apart from actual ownership of the tree?”

“No mister tall thing!” the left mare almost cried out.

“Alright, then you both own the thing. Get out. I have a meeting with a princess and she promised me tea. I’m an alien from another place and I need my noms.”

This was easily a lie, but making shit up so far hasn’t stopped you yet and nobody here was protesting anything against you. Both the mare and stallion meekly nodded as they walked back to their families. “Also apologize to both each other and your families. You better mean it too!”

The next five minutes were filled with crying and apologies, mostly about how they didn’t meant to hurt each other and how much they were sorry. Then the two parties thanked you for getting the other one to apologize and they all left planning a picnic under the tree in their yards.

This left you looking at a bemused, pretty, white and powerful pony Princess. She looked at you for a few more moments and asked you two simple questions.

“Who are you and how do you take your tea?”

After that you and the Princess talked for quite a long time, and she admitted to you that she was happy you took over. Apparently her ponies were coming to her with more and more problems that seemed increasingly trivial. The tree situation was one of her most intense arguments over the past week, that is how boring everything was.

So you started your friendship as her own personal “Royal Venter” in which she was allowed to speak her mind to you and only you and you couldn’t tell any other being about it on threat of jail-time. The threat was only needed for public knowledge of your responsibilities, in fact you became such great friends with her you wouldn’t compromise anything.

Eventually after a month you started to get how ponies worked. They were actually pretty easy to understand and read. You quickly empathized with Celestia, she was pretty much a mother to immature young adults. Ponies complained about everything, so much that Celestia’s sister Luna refused to actually have an open Night Court and attended Day Court just to keep face.

It quickly became apparent to you that the only three beings that seemed to have maturity and a higher level of problem solving skills were two pony princesses and a human from another world. Even ambassadors from other countries were the same, and soon you had yourself research other cultures just to make sure you didn’t accidentally start a war.

Almost a year passed with you making close friends with the alicorns. After talking to both Celestia and Luna about it, you became Royal Advisor to the Throne. You had almost as much sway over conversations and decisions as the Royal Princesses did and the best part is that ponies actually respected it. It was even easier for you to deal out harsher decrees because Celestia and Luna didn’t want to appear as ‘tyrants’.

Yes, they would be tyrants for letting one pony know that they couldn’t have complete control over the sales of maple ice cream.

You were thinking so hard about that stupid Maple Syrup Ice Cream Incident that you forgot to see where you were actually running. Snapping out of your reverie you were just in time to trip on a carpet and fall to the floor. You had only one clear response to the situation of being tripped up by a carpet with you being late.

“Fuck!”

“Hey!” you heard from the left as a pair of guards came through the hallway. “Watch your language!”

While you picked yourself off the floor, his partner spoke up. “Uh Swift Wind, I don’t think he actually swore, he said ‘fuck’ instead of… well you know.”

You were about to speak again before the first guard, a pegasus by the name of Swift Wind trotted up to you. “Is that true? Did you say ‘fuck’ instead of…” he got close as if to give you secrets to national security “instead of ‘buck’?”.

You paused for a moment to take stock of the situation. Apparently in your time here, the only ponies that actually heard you swearing were your two best friends. You thought that the other ponies would freak out if you swore at them, and you actually had never heard any other pony swear. You actually never knew if they knew what swearing was.

You shook off the dust from your clothes and looked at him. “Yes… yes I did. I totally said fuck instead of the other word that you just said.”

They looked at you as if you were speaking another language. “What does fuck mean?”

Remember how you wanted to prevent yourself from being bored? This was a perfect opportunity and you decided to run with it. “Well fuck is a special word. We call it a ‘substitute word’.”

“A substitute word?” the one who wasn’t Swift Wind asked with bewilderment in his large eyes. “What could that be?”

“Well we humans were pretty good at language, but some of us were really, really mean and made a bunch of good words bad in order to hurt each other’s feelings, just like… well that b-word. So we decided to make some new words that were like the old good words in order to say them again. So instead of the word that is mean, we say another word in order to be socially acceptable and happy! So when I hurt myself I really wanted to say a bad word, but now I have other words to say that sound similar but more fun! Doesn’t fuck sound better to say than the other one?” you embellished your bullshit with elaborate hand gestures to make the speech seem legitimate.

“Well now that you say it… fuck!”, Swift Wind replied.

“You know what I feel like Swifty?”, asked his friend.

“What is it Dune Shield?”

“I feel like going to the bar after work, picking up a mare and fucking her senseless!” Dune enthusiastically replied.

“I can easily fucking agree my good sir!” You told Dune.

“That and you know our commanding officer? He can fuck himself!” Swift Wind proudly stated.

“Thanks so much for this new concept! We will speak to a few ponies to see if we can replace that bad word with this good one! You humans have such great ideas.”

You bowed to them and they saluted you, allowing you to go forward. This was pretty good however because now you had an excuse to be late! You approached the side door to the Throne Room and walked in.

To your surprise Day Court hasn’t even started yet. The hall was empty except for guards and the regal pony Princess on her throne, with a chair made for you beside her.

“Oh how are you? You are actually just in time, Luna was feeling sick so we delayed Day Court. I hope you got enough sleep because we have a lot of appointments. I delayed them just to wait for you and your amazing input!” Celestia said with a wink.

Fun. “Hey Celly, do ponies actually like me?”

“According to my spies they do, your unique views and ‘human perspective’ is apparently doing a good job. Now let’s keep it up the good work!” She said as she gave you the papers for today’s court.

---===---

Day Court was usually an easy affair. You listened to ponies bitch, you discussed with Celestia or Luna how to solve the problem, you solved the problem. It was a simple job and you got food, housing in a tower, bits and some booze. Today however was apparently being a real pain in the ass with ponies complaining about even more mundane issues.

This current dispute in front of you was about a smoothie.

Apparently the stallion who sold smoothies was selling a new cucumber smoothie. Some ponies liked it and were content with his service. The mare before you bought a large smoothie even though she never had a cucumber smoothie before. She drank a bit and didn’t like it, so she asked for her money back.

The stallion refused to do so because there was nothing wrong with the smoothie. Sure she didn’t like it, but he made no mistakes in making it and didn’t feel like he should cater to her like that. Also he would lose out on the cucumber, yogurt and ice that he had used to make it. She felt like she should get a refund and was extremely hostile about it.

You quite frankly wanted to shove a cucumber up her ass. Of course you were on the stallion’s side. The mare should have bought a small and decided if she liked it. There was absolutely no reason to take him to court.

“I am just saying that you drank a good portion of it! It was also a large smoothie and those cost me quite a bit of money. I would lose bits if I refunded you because you didn’t order a small version of it to see if you liked it!” The stallion defended himself.

Oh hey, that was the point you were going to make.

“It doesn’t matter! I am the customer I am always right! You have to make sure I am satisfied with the product completely you… you… bucker!” She screamed.

The room went silent.

Celestia stood up.

The mare looked like she was afraid that she was going to die.

Celestia addressed the silent room. “Now Sweet Stitch, that is absolutely uncalled for and rude! How dare you use such language in the Throne Room. Now you will not be entitled to a refund, and you will apologize. Next time if you wish to try something new, get a small and then if you like it buy a larger version. If you do not like it then you lose only a few bits and you know not to buy it next time. Good day.”

The mare meekly said sorry before running out of the room. The stallion bowed and thanked both of you before leaving. “Wow I can’t believe she would use such language in the Day Court before you Princess.” You said as the rest of the ponies in the room broke out into conversation at the abrupt use of a bad word.

“Yes it is quite troubling that ponies would use such vile tongue.” Celestia replied.

You were about to call the next case up yourself when a familiar voice spoke up beside you. “She should have known the substitute word.”

Celestia looked to the guard beside her with a face of confusion. “I am sorry what do you mean Swift?”

Sweet Lucifer is this happening? You broke out into a sweat knowing this could lead to nowhere good.

“Well my highness, your Royal Advisor injured himself on the way to the Throne Room this morning and I thought he said the b-word. In fact he said the word ‘fuck’, a substitute word that in his world is more socially acceptable and honoured. Plus it is pretty fucking fun to say.”

Oh baby Jesus this is happening.

“You don’t say?” Celestia turned to you with a shit-eating grin.

She knew.

She leaned in close to Swift Wind as she spoke to him in secret. Swift had a genuine smile on his face as if he was saving Equestria somehow. Little did he know he was probably dooming it.

“Why, I didn’t know about substitute words. It is certainly more pleasing to the ear than the b-word is it not? In fact, given the shocking misuse of language in our courtroom we should all be informed of this concept wouldn’t you agree my advisor?”

You gulped as your hands shook. “Why certainly my Princess, that would probably be a good idea.”

Celestia smiled again and nodded as she stood up. Every pony in the room shut up in half a second. “My dear ponies, it was certainly an unfortunate event that transpired here, but have hope! The wonderful and great human Royal Advisor actually has a solution! It is a special concept from his home that he would absolutely love to share with you all! Why don’t you get up here and tell the good ponies all about it.”

You were going to have to murder Princess Celestia after this. She knew exactly what was going on, and there was nothing you could do to get yourself out of it.

There was a line that was not supposed to be crossed, and you have clearly crossed it. Might as well keep going and see just what might happen.

You stood up and addressed all the ponies. You explained to them the same story you told Swift Wind about how your culture made substitute words in order to wipe out bad, naughty words. “Now I know that fuck is kinda close to the b-word, but that was the intentional. I am not aware of any other words in the pony language that are naughty. You will not be under any scrutiny for coming forth and telling me words that need replacement. In fact you’d be doing Equestria a service for making it a more clean place for good ponies and language to thrive!”

A small yellow pony with blue hair stepped forward. “Would it really be okay to say a bad word in front of the Princess?”

Celestia nodded, “Yes, but only this once, then we can use the new words! You have to admit fuck is way more fun to say.”

Zeus on a pogo-stick you just indirectly made Princess Celestia say ‘fuck’ in front of an entire full Day Court.

“Well if you say so Princess. We have another word… it is… crap.” She could barely say the last word as if in shame.

Some gasps were said in the crowd.

“Wow that certainly is a bad word, and thank you so much for informing me of it. You are doing the country a favour. Let me converse with our dear Princess for the meaning of it and I’ll come up with a solution.” You tell the crowd, the mare no longer embarrassed now that your praise reassured her that she wasn’t a bad pony.

You turned to the white monarch and waited for her to put up a close proximity spell, one that blocked sight and sound with a golden wall . Then you angrily spoke to her, “Do you realize what you are about to unleash?”

“Why of course. I’ve been alive for almost two thousand years. You have to have your fun somehow. Besides, you are taking all these bad words from your world and are making them good. In the essence of things you are righting a wrong. Making the bad good, and you know I always try to reform bad things for the better.”

“Are you absolutely sure you want me to do this?”

Celestia looked at you before placing a hoof on your shoulder. “I Celestia, Princess of the Sun and all that is good, hereby give you permission to fuck with my ponies.”

“So you know exactly what I am doing?”

“Of course, you say these words all the time I just assumed it was an alternative version of our words. You were using them in the right context.”

Filled with bravery and confidence you hug her. “You are the best, sorry for calling you a fat flank that one time.”

Wrapping her wings around you she hugged you back. “Hey you aren’t wrong, besides, more for you to look at my favourite human.”

“I am the only human.” You pretended to deadpan.

“Don’t take the love out of it. Come on let’s have some fun for once in this boring place.”

After you both broke your embrace you saw the spell fade away. “Okay with much deliberation and discussion, I have been informed of many naughty words and will now make a decree. The substitute word for ‘crap’ will henceforth be known as ‘shit’! Everypony say it with me.”

The room was audibly filled with shit.

“Next pony stand forth and make Equestria proud!” you say dramatically.

There was a pony with a green coat and a light pink mane. “Hi, I am from the Support Group for Lesbians and Gays. The naughty term for a gay stallion is ‘colt cuddler’. I was actually here today to ask if you could solve the problem of such a homophobic term.”

“Thank you so much for coming here, I am a supporter of the work from the SGLG and you do make a difference. The word you are looking for is ‘faggot’, as in ‘he is with his coltfriend, he is such a huge faggot’.”

She bowed to you, something which you always liked. “Thank you so much! Could you help with the sister term ‘filly fooler’? It also needs to have a better word.”

“Why most certainly! She is called a dyke. ‘I wanted to ask her out on a date, but she turned out to be a complete dyke’.” You explain.

Thanking you once more the next pony stepped up. “We need a new term for taking our Princess’ name in vain!”

“Which one?”

“Princess Celestia to be specific, although I have heard of those who speak ill of Princess Luna’s name as well.”

You paused for a moment, pondering on the social ruin you have already caused. Then you realized that you had absolute zero fucks to give.

“There was once two brothers who played a lot of pranks on people. Their names were Jesus Christ and Lucifer. Now they never did any actual harm to anyone, but you always knew they were up to something when you heard a human say ‘Jesus Christ’ or ‘Sweet Lucifer’ out loud. They were also really good in bed. After they died people kept their legend on by yelling out ‘Jesus Christ’ and ‘Sweet Lucifer’ instead of taking others’ names in vain, even when having sex.”

“Wow that is so cool! I’ll definitely spread those two names around. It is a great honour to remember those two humans after death like that.”

“Thanks, now who is next?”

A zebra came up to the throne. “My good Princess and Advisor, long have our people been plagued by a racial term that is so insulting I can barely bring myself to speak it. The name is… ‘stripey’!”

Ponies gasped as the Zebra said a forbidden word that meant such great offense.

Now you acted as if you were stunned to hear such racism in the Throne Room. However you had an internal battle in your head. Sure saying fuck, shit, and faggot was all good but this? You would feel bad for saying this one. Years of racial equality for humanity could be burned away at the thought of saying the word.

Nah, some words are maybe just best left to die. What other word sounds good? Spinnaker? Maybe after all these bad words you should give a good one.

You made your face as calm as possible. “The word will never be said again. I shall give you a word to be proud of. You will know this word and from now on, if a pony is to call you by something else, they will call you a-”

---===---

Three months have passed since that fateful day. The words spread like wildfire and soon ponies everywhere were adapting substitute words into their vocabulary, heralding an age of ‘enlightenment from naughty words’. Penis became cock, vagina became pussy, tailhole became asshole, saying ‘hay’ offensively became Hell and even unwed couple having illegitimate foals were now having little bastards.

It was glorious.

You and Celestia were taking a break from today’s Day Court when Luna burst through the door to the little study you were drinking tea in.

“Something the matter Luna?” Celestia questioned.

“Something the matter? Something the fucking matter? That faggot Blueblood won’t shut the fuck up about this trade agreement shit with the Zebras. They know he is trying to practically fuck them up the asshole with his tiny cock. For fucks sake this is why all his little marefriends eventually become dykes! It is absolutely insane how much of his own shit he believes in and how he tries to control everyone!”

Both you and Celestia break down into laughter and you feel like somewhere, a certain draconequus is laughing too.