The monkey-thing staring at me in the mirror isn't smiling. Of course I'm not smiling. So that would explain things if I was a monkey-thing. Unfortunately I'm not a monkey-thing. I kinda wish I was a monkey-thing right now. That would make things less complicated.
"Yeah," the monkey-thing says in a bored, funny-sounding voice I know is mine, "this is gonna be embarrassing. You're gonna need to get your wrists wet first. Or your fetlocks? Is that what those things are? How are you holding that straight razor? I've never got how that works."
The monkey-thing is holding the straight razor I keep by my bathroom sink and when I look down I see the razor in my own hoof. I know what's about to happen, I know what this nightmare reflection is trying to do. I feel rage rise up behind the fear.
"Don't forget," the monkey thing chuckles a little, "Back and forth, not up and down, we're just looking for attention here."
I can't drop the razor. I'm panicking. My hooves are shaking. This is going to happen again. I'm going to lose my mind. This damned filthy ape was going to destroy my life. I'm going back to the asylum. I CAN'T GO BACK!
"That works too I guess," the monkey-thing with the funny voice that I know is mine shrugs behind the broken mirror.
And it's over. The broken reflection is mine. And so is the shredded fore-leg. And so is the blood. And so is the pain. I wonder if my neighbors hear me screaming. Im going to pass out now, I think it's a good time to do that.
"Swedish fish with cup-cake hooves never trampled gummy bears," that's not a weird thing to think before you pass out is it?
"So he slammed his hoof straight through a mirror into into his own medicine cabinet? Poor guy," I can hear a female voice, it grates across my brain like scrawing starfish feet.
"There's no reason to think it's related to the crisis, Miss," that damned doctor, Nightmare in the moon but I'm glad he's gonna die of rectal cancer, "He swears he wasn't trying to kill himself, he just wanted to punch the, and I quote, 'stupid monkey-thing in it's stupid furless face.'"
"Furless?" the scrawing voice sounds interested in monkey-things, that's not weird, "Wait, don't you mean furry?"
"No, Ms. Heartstrings," the Doctor pomped his little trombone, "Specifically said furless. Tried to curse me with and again I quote, 'plot cancer from bung of Tirek he reigns below', when I tried to correct him; and a good bit more. I kept the recording of the session if you'd like to hear it. It's quite entertaining, in it's own morbid wa...."
There's a funny thunking sound, and scraw becomes a screech, and then a dangerous growl, "Don't You Dare! This is a nationwide epidemic Doctor Pompone! I'm starting to see why Twilight sent me here."
You know when somebody gets so full of themselves they forget they're talking to their boss? I'm pretty sure that's what’s about to go down. Too bad between the blindfold, the restraints, and the drugs I'm in no position to enjoy this show. If I'm honest with myself, given the choice, I'd keep most of the drugs.
"MISS Heartstrings, need I remind you that this is MY hospital?! I have a two PHD's in psychology from CSGU! I don't have to take this from some NOPONY who thinks she’s a big shot just because she went to school with the princess! Get out! Orderlies!"
"STAND DOWN!" this mare means business, I really want to laugh, but I don't want to ruin this moment, "I have a signed declaration from her Serene Majesty, Bearer of the Element of Magic, Twilight Sparkle, the Reigning Princess of Friendship...."
And then I do laugh, I have to. Because when you hear somepony just come out and say that with a straight face it's just funny. Politics is just funny. It's not my fault. It's the names.
"Seriously, it's not my fault. Everypony has stripper names, that somehow embody our destiny. Our parents should all be shot," I can't stop laughing and I don't need to see to know when I'm being stared at.
"This is not the place for this, we're upsetting the patient," Doctor Dick-nose is super professional stallion face, "I think we should continue this conversation in my office."
"Agreed," the mare's voice is dripping angry tic-tacs and I think the drugs might be wearing off.
And now Doctor Wee Piddle and Missy Horse Plot just leave me here. Nothing to do. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. I can't help but smile a little bit.
Doctor Pompone appraised the mint-coated unicorn carefully, she had at least some authority, he couldn't forget that. But Celestia herself had placed him in charge, once word of this got to the REAL Princess, then she'd see who was really in charge here.
"Doctor," Lyra Heartstrings swallowed back her wounded soul, "Doctor, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have slapped you. But you have to realize the scope of what's going on here. In the past 48 hours, there have been numerous outbreaks of suicides and attempted suicides through-out equestria..."
"I understand, Miss Heartstrings," the doctor kept his most professional tone, "And I'm well aware of the tragic events the last two days. And I do sympathize if you've lost someone Miss Heartstrings...."
"Mrs. Heartstrings," Lyra hissed in a dangerous, whisper, "It's still Mrs. Heartstrings. My BonBon isn't even in the ground yet. It's still 'Mrs.', not 'Ms.', and certainly not 'Miss', Doctor Pompone."
"Oh my, you poor dear," Pompone oozed false sympathy as he saw an angle he could play, "I'm terribly sorry. But this just compounds my point, you're just too close to this. And you clearly lack the experience. I'm sure you are a truly talented... musician?"
"First," Lyra became truly exacerbated, "Stop staring at my flank, you perverted old fool. Second, that's some really ironic stereotyping from a Stallion with a what is that, a trombone?"
"It's a royal trumpet, Mrs. Heartstrings," the doctor puffed up a bit, "It's tone foreshadows the entrance of greatness. I'll have you know I was hand-picked for this job by Celestia herself. I didn't want to pull rank, but my Princess outranks your Princess I'm afraid."
"So petition Canterlot," Lyra lost interest in arguing with the pompous fool, Faust's grace but that patient was right about names, "I should warn you, Luna is not gonna be happy to hear from you. Do what you want, but in the mean-time Twilight put me in charge of sorting this mess out. The only reason you haven't been fired is the only reason you got this job in the first place. You're good at paper-work."
The Doctor Huffed, but Lyra continued over any objection.
"Violent mental illness has never been a real problem before. You shuffle paperwork and sort out medication for ponies who are either too old, or too mentally deficient to care for themselves. And it's a GOOD job. It's a good thing you do here. And you like being the big fish in the little bowl. There's nothing wrong with that, but we are facing a psychiatric crisis of magical origins and on a scope beyond your imagining. Her majesty sent me here for good reasons, you’re just going to have to deal with it. Or you can keep blowing your own little horn. I have official duties to attend."
Doctor Pompone seethed as the mint-colored upstart walked out of his office. He angrily snatched an enchanted parchment from his desk in flurry of magic. Celestia herself was going to hear of this. Head's were going to roll, he'd be sure of that.
"Hello, are you still awake?", it's the mare again. I assume it's a mare. It could be female griffin, but they sound less scrawy, I would imagine.
"Would it be racist if a griffon had a scrawier voice than a pony? I think it might?", what the clop, this bitch was some fancy big-shot, maybe she would know.
"You said you saw a hairy monkey in the mirror?" oh not this shit again, dammit what is wrong with you ponies and your lack of ear using skills?
"Hair-LESS. I've said it repeatedly, Doctor Meat Trumpet said it twice while you were right here. I mean faust-dammit. You're supposed to be some fancy bigshot from the princess of a weird thing to have a monarch," I'm being really careful with my words, in my mouth and in my head and I hope this ugly mule appreciates it.
"Yes, of course," she's using tricky doctor trick talking, but that's okay cause it's not like it's my first rodeo, "I wanted to test the consistency of your account is all. Is there something wrong with your eyes, mister....?"
"Yeah, there's all this ugly overly bright world that's painted in a very inappropriately happy pallette," I explain, not bothering to introduce myself, it’s not like she couldn’t read the chart I’m sure is hanging from restraining table, "I'm not hallucinating, or anything. The world just offends my sense of good taste. It's too positive. Oh, and the cloth over my eyes is to help me sleep with the lights on."
"And why are you restrained?", fair enough question, I suppose, and she sounds nice enough, if a bit much scraw for my taste.
"I told Doctor AssTuba that I was going to shove cheese-grits up his plot until they came out his nose," because honesty is the best policy.
"And.... would you?", I can't believe she would ask that question, honestly I can’t believe anypony who’s spoken to Doctor I’m-out-of-butt-jokes-right-now for more than five minutes would ask that question.
"Ma'am," I say with the best manners my momma taught me, "I would never lie about cheese-grits."
"I think we're just going to keep the restraints a little while longer," dammit, this is why AppleJack is worst pony, "But I do want to show you something. Is it okay if I remove the cloth so you can see it?"
"Sure," I mean why not, "I like staring at the ceiling as much as the next guy, it was time to wake up anyway."
"Orderlies! Sedate that patient!" Doctor Pompone pushed past Lyra, "THIS is why I can't have unqualified fillies running amuck in my facility!"
The patient, a cream-colored earth-stallion, with eye's the color of dead salmon, thrashed and screamed a cacophony of obscene gibberish, the restraints were holding against his rage, but only just.
"Doctor," Lyra said patiently, "I know what this pony is describing. I can..."
"You can leave, MRS. Heartstrings," the doctor puffed up as two orderlies moved to flank the troublesome Mrs. Heartstrings, "You can leave or I can have you sedated for your own well-being as well as that of my patients."
And just like that the room was gone. The screaming lunatic was gone. And four ponies found themselves suspended in the glory of the night sky. Three of them had the good sense to bow.
"Ah, Princess Luna, how glad I am to see you," Doctor Pompone puffed with pride, he hadn't expected a response this soon, and for Celestia to send her own sister, he must have more pull than he thought, "I didn't expect to hear back from Celestia so soon. Your sister is well I expect? I haven't seen her since last years Gala, I'm sorry to correspond under such trying circumstances."
"What is being tried is my patience Doctor," The Sovereign Ruler of the night was stern and impatient, "Did you think you could simply take this over the head of the Princess of Friendship?"
"I don't understand, your majesty," Doctor Pompone stammered.
"You two, find other duties to be about," Luna dismissed the orderlies from her realm and back into the waking world, "You, Doctor, were a poor choice for this station. I suspect your position here to be a result of my sister’s failing facilities. However, you are not an incompetent, and we have need for a pony with psychiatric skills who can take care of old, senile ponies and wants to feel important about it. Report to me directly in Canterlot, immediately. The next train leaves in one half hour and I expect you be on it."
Lyra swallowed hard, as the Princess of Dreams and Darkness turned to her and continued as Pompone faded into the shadows, "Are you sure you are prepared for this, Lyra Heartstrings? I sense a great evil at hoof, it has taken my sister's mind. It has taken the lives of so many of my subjects, including your beloved wife. I fear this is only the beginning. You can always go home, bury your dead and mourn your loss. Nopony will think less of you."
"Bon Bon might," Lyra whispered past her tears, but stepped forward none-the-less, "I need to do this. I need to find out what's doing this. For Bon Bon.... no.... it's too late for Bon Bon, I have to do this for me."
"Very well then Lyra Heartstrings. This hospital is under your supervision. Princess Twilight has utmost confidence in you, as does mineself."
And it was over, and she was back in the room. The screaming nameless pony was quiet, sleeping peacefully.
So she shows me this picture of one of those monkey-things. Not a drawing, not a police sketch, but a real ass picture. It's more than I can take, to be honest. I'm not proud of what comes out of my mouth, but it's from the heart-meats, and I'm sure she knows it's not really directed at her. She seems nice enough. Cute too, but kinda got a lesbian vibe about her. Why are all the cute ones filly-foolers? And here come the clowns. Doctor AnalHorn is full on blowing himself now. The orderlies are just about to dose me up good, when things go south and Doctor Blows A lot is threatening to dose up Minty Hot Buns, because I'm sure that's her name. I'm screaming like hell and enjoying the show. Always be sure to scream in the nut-house, it's interactive theater and screaming lets them know you appreciate their hard work. Can you imagine a nuthouse where ponies just sadly shuffled around, waiting for their next meal or pill? It would suck to work in a place like that.
And then everypony falls asleep. Well that's weird. I feel kinda bad, like I'm not doing my job, so I scream louder. Still nothing. The sabertooth chipmunks are eating them now. That's what happens when you fall asleep in the jungle. And now the bands of roaming cave-nuts are killing the chipmunks, it's the circle of life.
"My subject, I cannot relieve this ailment which affects thee, but allow me to ease you from this troubling nightmare."
"Celestia's Sweet Plot!" I'm surprised okay, yes I know just how inappropriate that is to say to a goddess, "I mean, oh my gosh... It's Princess Luna! I uh- wasn't expecting... Please don't tell your sister what I said!"
She looks like she's going to laugh, then she looks like she's going to cry, then she looks at me and gives me this sad pity-smile that I hate, "You have nothing to fear my little pony. But please, allow me end this nightmare."
"Please don't, it's about to get to the best part, and then I gotta wake up and be strapped to a table," I think I'm making a pretty good case for myself, and my logic is rewarded.
"As you wish," she's doing a good job at not looking at me like I'm a weirdo as she fades from my sub-conscience. A really good job actually. That's why I like Luna best. Celestia DOES have a sweet plot though. Just a fact. I'm not weird. And now the the cave nuts have become salted and look for bigger prey.
"Worst part," is all I have time to say as they swarm over my body and begin to tear me apart with their salty little mandibles, "Not best part, I always get those two mixed up."
Dear Princess Twilight,
I've found something that may be important. One of the attempted suicide patients is aware of the human world. I think he is the patient you sent me to find. To be honest I'm not sure he even IS an attempted suicide patient. He claims he was punching a "monkey-thing" in the mirror. When I showed him the pictures you gave me he really lost it. He was for real. It was like when you showed me and I realized I wasn't really crazy back then.... except he was really crazy. Like REALLY crazy. I'm a family therapist who plays a mean harp. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. But I'm not going to back down. You said this plague was going on in both worlds. And I think he may have been influenced from the human world. But seriously, he really is crazy. He may well see into the human world, and my gut says he does, but Twilight, this pony is completely 100% whack-a-mole. Also, Luna kinda fired the hospital administrator. I'm gonna need a new one of those.
Your Friend and Loyal Subject,
Lyra Heartstrings
