I Taco You, Valentine!

by PresentPerfect

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adagio Dazzle, Random, Sonata Dusk, Pinkie Pie (EqG), Romance
Length: 6527

Adagio Dazzle hatches a plan to use Valentine's Day as a means of conquering the school. Sonata, meanwhile, runs off for reasons no one really understands.

Despite having lived for hundreds of years, Adagio, Aria and Sonata have never heard of Valentine's Day. Now that they know the basics, what better way to celebrate the idiotic holiday than taking over Canterlot High?

No matter what they try, though, Adagio and Aria are having no luck collecting valentines. How can they conquer the school like this? And where's Sonata gone off to?

The answer likely involves a taco or two. And maybe tequila. And definitely Pinkie Pie.

Art by Wee!

Published 2015-08-13 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-13 15:20:01 UTC

I Taco You, Valentine!

I Taco You, Valentine!
by Present Perfect

A chip from Adagio's nail sailed off across the classroom as she ground her fingers into the desk. She had seen empires rise and fall, survived more wars than she could remember, and yet here she was, being taught history by a woman centuries younger than herself. The sheer idiocy of the tripe this 'teacher' spouted wouldn't have been so bad were she not required by the ridiculous laws of the mortal world to attend this wretched school.

A school full of students that hated her, no less.

"Watch it!" hissed Aria, turning around in her seat and holding up the chipped nail. "You almost put my eye out, you crazy wench!"

That was the other thing she hated. Ever since the ill-fated battle of the bands, her former underlings were getting considerably more lax around her. Somehow, despite a life measured in decades as well, each day since losing her powers passed as an eternity. The probation officer had said "only two years"; she had no idea what she'd set them up for. Her only recompense was that they, too, had to suffer through this idiotic class.

"Serves you right," Adagio whispered back, snarling.

"Miss Dazzle!"

At the teacher's voice, Adagio sat straight up in her chair, cheeks heating. Snickering ran through the classroom.

"Are you too busy having a conversation with your friend to pay attention to my lecture?"

She dug her nails into her palms. "No, Miss Cheerilee."

"Then perhaps you'd like to explain to the class what Saint Valentine is best known for." Cheerilee gave her that irritating "gotcha" smile that only teachers are capable of.

Adagio rolled her eyes. If she was going to get called out on something, at least it was something she knew. She sighed, leaned back in her seat, and flicked one hand over her shoulder.

"He healed a blind girl, converted the emperor's family to his cockamamie religion, and then the Romans cut his head off. That happened a lot, actually."

The other students blinked at her. Cheerilee frowned.

"That was a surprisingly well-rehearsed answer, Adagio. Had you been paying attention, you would know the real answer is that he made cards bearing his name for sick children. And that's why today, we still trade valentines with those we care about."

The class began to chatter animatedly. Adagio sat up in her chair.

"What?" Her mouth dropped open. "That's not true! I was--"

Cheerilee's eyebrow rose threateningly. "You were what, Miss Dazzle?"

Adagio's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. She thought about tearing at her hair. But what would it accomplish? The Teacher Had Spoken. She slumped back into her chair and mumbled, "I wasn't paying attention, Miss Cheerilee."

The class laughed.

"All right, settle down." Cheerilee waited a moment, then smiled as she continued. "Because what you should really get excited over is our class Valentines project!"

Every student in the classroom threw up their arms and cheered. Every student save Adagio and Aria, that is. They remained silently confused as the bell rang, signalling the end of class, and convened in the hallway, Adagio whirling on Sonata.

"Would you mind explaining just what you were so excited about back there?"

Sonata spread her hands and giggled. "I dunno! Everyone else got excited, so I got excited!"

Aria slapped herself in the face.

"You mean you don't know anything about this 'Valentine's Day'?" Adagio pressed, finger shaking.

"Nope!" Sonata shook her head. "I'm pretty sure I was in Phoenicia at the time. Ooor maybe it was Galilee. I forget."

"So help me, Sonata..."

Adagio's rant was cut off when someone nearby cleared their throat. The Dazzlings turned to see a younger student with thick purple glasses, red, curly hair and braces regarding them coolly.

"Do you three really not know what Valenthineth Day ith?"

Adagio, Aria and Sonata exchanged suspicious looks. As one, their heads lowered and shook.

"No," Adagio mumbled.

"Golly goth!" The girl whipped out a piece of paper, using a notebook as a drawing surface while she scribbled on it with a red marker. "It'th a thelebrathion of love! You're th'pothed to make thilly cardth like thith and thend 'em to people you care about. Thee?"

She turned the notebook around to show a crude drawing of a stick figure with curly hair. Next to the drawing was written:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you!

Little hearts surrounded the writing.

Sonata let out a gasp and pointed an accusing finger at the card.

"My old nemesis!" she shouted. "We meet again!" She about-faced and charged down the hallway, shouting, "You'll never take me alive!" and knocking over at least a half-dozen students.

Aria and Adagio stared after her.

"Well, at least something makes less sense than this weird holiday," Aria said.

Shaking off the momentary confusion, Adagio turned back to the other student.

"Giving rhyming cards to people you care about. That's it? What's the purpose of this?"

"Weeeell..." The girl seemed to consider for a few moments. "There'th kind of an unoffithial contetht to thee who getth the motht valentineth. Uthually Flath Thentry and Thunthet Thimmer win. Or they did, before that whole thombie thing happened." She grinned. "Thith year, it'th anyone'th game!"

The girl was consumed with eye-sparkling wonder for a few moments, during which Adagio grinned at Aria.

"A contest, you say? Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Aria?"

"Nah." Aria shrugged. "I'm still wondering what's up with Sonata."

Adagio ignored her, turning to the side and holding up her fist. "If we can get more valentines than Sunset Shimmer and her idiotic friends, we'll be able to rule this school without our magic!" Her smile twisted into a dark leer. "Just wait. We'll make everyone here love us."

"That sounds a lot like your last plan that didn't work," Aria said, crossing her arms. "Also, who are you talking to?"

"You can thtart your newfound reign of terror with thith!" the red-haired girl said, thrusting the crudely-drawn valentine at Adagio once more.

Adagio looked at it askance, then smiled and accepted it. "This is merely the first step! Our triumph is at hand!"

"Jutht remember! You gotta make 'em for other people tho you'll get thome more!"

Adagio's grin took on a dangerous manic edge. "To the art room!"

Aria groaned and facepalmed.

"This'll never work."

Sonata had not had a destination in mind when running from the offending heart-shaped menace. That must have been why she found herself in the principal's office, or at least what she thought was the principal's office. She still wasn't too good at reading letters, but this certainly seemed like the same place she had ended up at on more than one occasion in the past month.

Granted, she had never come here by herself. And, as she recalled, it was usually more full of... principal.

The inconsistencies confused her beyond words. So when someone opened the door and entered the office, Sonata was sitting in a corner beside a potted plant, knees to chest, staring at the nearest plug socket. Sonata was aware of the entrance, but did not feel the need to acknowledge the other's presence, nor even to determine just who had invaded her sanctum.

"It never fails!" said the bright voice. "Twirly tongue, knee pinch and itchy kidney means someone's in the principal's office of their own free will! Hiya!"

Sonata was used to words not making sense, but that bunch had to take the record for least sense-make ever. She lifted her head, and her face fell as she beheld a pink girl with pinker hair grinning pinkly at her from the office door. A dozen instincts warred within her: to flee, to fight, to wring the girl's neck, to lift her broken voice in song, to beg not to be shot full of rainbows. The internal struggle was too much; she merely sunk back into the shadows, covering her face with her arms, and moaned.

"Leave me alone."

"Oh, it's you!" The word was emphasized, but not malicious. "What're you doing in here? Actually, what're you doing back at Canterlot High at all? I kinda hadn't been expecting you girls to show up again."

Sonata groaned again. "If I tell you, will you go away?"

"Hmm..." The door closed, and the pink girl approached. "The answer to that question is most likely no! I have a sworn duty to help the students of this school with any and all being-sad-related problems, or my name isn't Pinkie Pie!"

Sonata lifted her head. The pink girl was staring intently at her.

"Is your name Pinkie Pie?"

The pink girl grinned. "That's what my great-aunt's second cousin always called me! Or was that my great-cousin's second aunt?" She slapped herself in the forehead. "Silly me, all my family members call me Pinkie Pie!"

"I really don't know how to react to that." Sonata grunted as something in her side twinged. "What were we talking about again?"

Pinkie pulled out the principal's rolling desk chair and sat in it, grinning intently at Sonata the whole time.

"We were talking about how to get you out of Dumpytown and into the bright, shiny city of Happytropolis!"

Sonata let that rattle around in her head.

"I failed geometry."

Things were silent for a few moments, save for the rattling of wheels over the matted carpeting.

"Your name's Sonata, right?"

Sonata lifted her head. For a moment, Pinkie was illuminated in a halo of light streaming through the dim Venetian blinds over the office's single window. She nodded.

"What do you like to do?" Pinkie asked.

Dumbstruck, Sonata could only lick her lips and stare as the halo faded. "Uhh... I like tacos."

"Great!"

Pinkie rushed to her feet, hand whipping into her hair. Something emerged in her grasp, a square bottle that glinted in the dull light. She slammed it down on the desk with a clunk.

"Now I have someone to drink all this tequila with!"

"Just one lousy valentine," Adagio groused, grinding the marker against the card. "It's been an entire hour! Why must these be so difficult to make?"

"Pfft." Aria snorted. "I can't believe I'm seeing you not succeed at something. It's actually motivating me to do more." She gestured casually at the small pile of construction-paper cards sitting on the table in front of her. Leaning back in her chair, she smirked until Adagio crumpled up her card and tossed it over her shoulder, to join its many brethren on the floor.

"Wha-- How did you make so many already?"

Aria could have cut steel with the shine flashing off her teeth. "Who writes all our lyrics? Rhymes are kid's stuff, 'specially when they don't have to mean anything."

Adagio ground her teeth, but snatched the top card off the stack to read it. Her eyes bugged out. Her jaw dropped. Hand shaking, she set it gingerly back atop the pile.

"Th-that was..." She swallowed. "Not bad." Steeling herself, she added, "It seems, once again, I actually need you."

"Cool." Aria pointed at her, frowning. "But don't put it like that."

"Um, hello?" called a soft voice from the door. The two girls turned to see a young woman with turquoise hair and a floor-length tan skirt regarding them timidly, a clipboard clutched in her hands.

"What are you girls doing in here?" she asked in a voice that could blow away on the faintest breeze. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

Adagio's lip curled. "We're obviously working on a very important art project. That's what the art room is for, isn't it?"

The woman shrank back from Adagio's words. "W-w--" Shaking her head, she steadied herself and straightened. "Well, I'm the art teacher, and I have a class to teach in here in five minutes. So unless you're interested in sculpting the human form, I suggest you two move along to wherever it is you're supposed to be."

Aria and Adagio exchanged well-practiced "you've got to be kidding me" looks. Leaning back in her chair, Adagio said languidly, "Make us."

The supposed art teacher balked for a moment, but screwed up her face determinedly. She tossed her clipboard into the air, and in a heartbeat cartwheeled across the length of the room, landing on Aria's table with enough force to launch the neat stack of cards into the air. She backflipped through them, landing on the other end of the table as it came back down to rest with a loud thud. She caught the cards in one hand, and fanned them out but a hair's breadth from Aria's nose, as the clipboard sailed neatly into her other hand, a hair's breadth from Adagio's.

"Get. Out."

The room was silent for a minute, save for the art teacher's heavy breathing. Then Adagio and Aria slunk from the room, the latter snatching her cards from the apparent ninja's grip with an apologetic grin.

"Yes, Miss Pommel."

"Sorry, Miss Pommel."

"Bleaugh!"

The liquid spewed from Sonata's lips. She fell against the desk, holding herself up with one hand and clutching at her throat with the other as she coughed.

"That tastes awful!" she croaked.

"I know!" said Pinkie brightly, before downing her shot. She made a sound like a fire truck trying to squeeze through a mouse hole and rocked forward violently.

"Whoo!" she shouted, shaking her head. "That hits the spot!"

Sonata peered at her glass as though dark creatures covered in tentacles might emerge from it at any moment. "What is this stuff?"

"It's tequila!" Pinkie poured two more shots as she spoke. "You said you like tacos, so I thought, Hey! Maybe she'll like anything Mexican! And what's more Mexican than tequila?"

"What's Mexican?" Sonata continued to eye the liquid splashing into the glasses, fearful that it might leap out at her.

Pinkie gasped, nearly dropping the bottle. "You don't know about Mexican? Tacos and tostadas and burritos and sombreros and Dia de los Muertos and salsa and sarapes and salsa and siestas and jala--"

The torrent of words ceased thanks to Sonata placing her hand over, and slightly into, Pinkie's mouth.

"Okay." Sonata breathed in. "I heard 'taco' in there. Are you telling me there's more stuff out there like tacos?"

Pinkie nodded, affirming into the hand. Sonata withdrew it, wiping a copious amount of spittle on her blouse. She closed her eyes, taking another deep breath.

"That sounds... Super amazingly awesome!"

She clenched her fists to her chest and jumped in place. Pinkie joined in, squealing and hopping up and down. The shot glasses rattled on the desk.

"Pinkie!" Sonata slapped her hands onto Pinkie's shoulders. "If this techy-la junk will get me closer to the ultimate taco experience, then I am so totally with this!"

"That's so exciting!" Pinkie shouted. "And you picked the right girl to be totally with it with!"

She reached into her hair once more, withdrawing an object that made Sonata's eyes widen and drool form at the corners of her mouth. Pinkie grinned, proferring it. "Taco?"

Sonata shrank back. "But it's only Monday..."

Pinkie's grin widened.

"It's always Tuesday somewhere!"

His clothing was harsh and thick, colored in natural, earthy tones. Lank, tube-like hair fell from a knitted round cap on his head. His toes, which were not exactly clean, stuck out from leather togs. He smelled like the underside of a mulch pile. She had no idea what his name was.

But he was going to be Adagio Dazzle's first valentine, whether he liked it or not.

She had chosen him at random, more or less because he was within her line of sight and was surrounded by fewer students than others in the hallway. Also because he was completely unaware of her approach and had not fled upon sight of her as his companions had.

Her hands trembled as she dug out one of her valentine cards, not because she was nervous, but because victory was so close.

"You!" she cried. When he didn't react, she added, "Um... classmate! School compatriot! Hallway... acquaintance?"

Loosing a growl, she slammed her fist on the locker beside his head. His eyes snapped open and meandered across the hall until they focused on her face. He gave her a lazy, lopsided smile and scratched the back of his head.

"Whoa. Hey there, duderina. Sorry for missin' your intro. Musta spaced out there."

"Whatever." Adagio steeled herself and thrust the valentine at his face. "I have made this with my own ten phalanges and hereby present you with it." A tiny, Sonata-shaped voice in the back of her head reminded her of something. She huffed. "Will you... Ugh, will you be my valentine?"

He took the card and gazed at it, as though having just woken from a restful sleep.

"Whoa. I'm like, totally feelin' your macaroni vibe here." He handed the card back. "Niiiice."

Adagio frowned. Things were not going according to plan. "Aren't you supposed to give me something in return? By which I mean not that."

He shrugged. "Nah. I'm not big on the Valentine's scene. It's just a ploy for corporations to sell candy and cards to people. Plus, like, I don't need a single day to devote to love when love suffuses my whoooole being." The words emerged from his mouth like molasses from a coffee pot.

Adagio gasped and dodged out of the way as he lunged for her, arms outspread.

"Let me embrace you! I love youuuu, and everything else, maaaan!"

"Get lost!" she shouted, dashing off. "I'm after power, not love!"

Tacos littered the office floor. Sonata was feeling like her brain had been removed, wrung out over a pit of hot coals, and replaced with a sponge made of confetti.

"I feel great," she croaked.

Pinkie, sitting on the floor with her back against Sonata's, slapped her in the side with the bottle.

"Have some more!"

"Don't... don't mind if I do." The tacos swam in and out of her vision, but she was able to grasp one and bring it to her mouth. Enough of it got inside to chew.

"What if..." Lettuce and cheese flew from Sonata's lips. She took a few moments to finish chewing and swallow. "What if tacos had... flaaaaaaat--" she held her hand level and drew it across the air before her-- "on the bottom?"

"Y'mean like a tostada?"

Sonata's eyes got huge. "I don't know what that is, but it sounds amazing."

"It's like a Mexican pizza."

"I like pizza." Sonata stared down at her hands. "I like pizza," she repeated in a whisper.

"But what about flat-bottom tacos?" Pinkie asked.

Something about the brightness of Pinkie's voice made Sonata's head hurt, but it also jogged the previous topic of discussion out of the depths of her mind.

"Ohh, like... You could fit a lot more stuff in them." She picked up one of the tacos and set it back on the floor, standing upright. It fell over. "Also, they could stand on your plate."

"I'll drink to that." Pinkie passed her the bottle.

Sonata stared at it for a long moment before thrusting it into the air. "In the name of tacos, I punish me!" she cried, and took a long pull.

Adagio ran into Aria outside the gym. She was leaning against the wall, the usual look of disdain plastered on her face. She was most definitely not soliciting valentines from the idiotic denizens of this school.

"Well?" Adagio demanded. "How did you do?"

Aria shrugged. "I got one." She held up a pink card decorated with a single muffin. "From that girl with the weird eyes." She frowned at it. "Didn't even have to ask for it. What a freak. Other than that, eh." She shrugged again. "What about you?"

Adagio made a noise in the back of her throat. "Not even that much. Everyone I talked to either forgot to bring valentines, or had already given them away! It's like none of these ridiculous mortals even celebrate this stupid holiday!"

"Tchyeh." Aria rolled her eyes. "Go figure. So how are you gonna pull off this plan when no one's cooperating?"

The hallway grew quieter as Adagio paced for a few minutes. It wasn't so much that she needed to think as she felt like punching someone and had no one but Aria nearby. She just had to get that energy and frustration out somehow, and tunneling to the basement feet-first was her best option.

"It's simple, really," Adagio said, stopping as realization dawned on her face. With a laugh, she smacked her forehead. "I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner!"

"Oh boy," Aria muttered, rolling her eyes.

Adagio grinned, placing her hands on her hips. "We'll just use our natural siren charms! The foolish mortals of this school will be powerless to resist us!" She started laughing, drawing stares from various students passing by.

"Oh boy."

The tacos came up to their waists. The floor was but a memory.

"Where'd you get the cool hat, Pinkie?"

"Oh, this old thing?" Pinkie glanced up, poking at the oversized sombrero that had appeared on her head when neither of them was looking. It was made from woven straw and bore a colorful zigzag patterned wrap around the middle.

"Huh." Pinkie's eyes unfocused. "I dunno. I... I think it's from our old principal? Maybe he left it here."

"Huh." Sonata toyed with the bottle sitting between her legs. When she inhaled, the air was tacos. "Where's our principal?"

Crunching sounds came from behind her. "That's easy! Principal Celestia always visits Crystal Prep ahead of the Friendship Games." Crumbs ticked against the floor as Pinkie spoke. "To do... principal stuff, I guess?"

"Ohhh!"

Sonata whipped the sombrero off Pinkie's head, deposited it on her own, and held the bottle aloft.

"Viva Directora Celesita! Ole!" She took a huge swig.

Pinkie spun around, taco crumbs smeared over her mouth. "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Sonata drank until tequila overflowed her mouth. Sputtering, she set the bottle down, or rather dropped it into a pile of tacos, and coughed until she fell over. More tacos were decimated in the onslaught.

"Yes!" Pinkie cried, snatching the sombrero back. "Do it, filly! Become one with the taco!"

Sonata whacked her head against the tacos until that happened.

"Yes, Adagio Dazzle!"

Adagio recoiled as best she could from the blue-haired, starry-eyed, boy in front of her. He was, after all, latched onto her wrists, not to mention drooling onto his grey suit.

"It's a dream come true! I will be your valentine!"

"Okay," Adagio said, trying to keep her voice level, "I'm just trying to get a stupid card from you. There's no need for... Unhand me!"

"Of course, my darling!" he cooed, releasing her. "I shall spend these lonely minutes dreaming of being in your arms again. They will be as an eternity of solitude, with only the memory of your lovely face to sustain me, as thoughts of water sustain a man in the desert."

Adagio backed up. She sneered. The taste of bile pricked in the back of her throat. "Okay, seriously, what's wrong with you?"

He clasped his hands together and closed his eyes. "Only that I have been smitten by the most glorious angel to ever grace the halls of Canterlot High! Your every movement, Adagio Dazzle, is flawless, your hair divine! Your curves the most luscious, your eyes the deepest!" There was a pause. "W-wait, Adagio! Where are you going?"

She hadn't gotten far enough away. Adagio took off at a sprint down the hall, as a nearby teacher admonished her for running in the halls. She could hear the footsteps of the lovestruck fool behind her.

"Come back, my love! Ever since I first saw you, I've only wanted you to make me into your willing mind slave!"

"That's great!" Adagio called back, panting. "Could you be any more creepy about it?"

She rounded the corner, skidding on the linoleum. Catching sight of a familiar head of hair, she screeched, "Aria, help!"

Aria glanced over her shoulder, eyes wide, but launched into action without a second thought. She stuck her leg out, tripping Adagio's pursuer. While he was in the middle of sprawling to the floor, she snatched him by the ankles and slammed him, upside-down, against the nearest row of lockers.

"Knock it off," she growled.

He blew his tie out of his face, cringed when he saw Aria glaring at him, and nodded meekly. She let him drop with a noise of disgust and joined Adagio around the corner. They waited until he'd picked himself up and slunk off before Adagio let out a breath.

"What was that?" Aria asked, crossing her arms.

"I must have been too charming," Adagio muttered. "Honestly, why must love be involved in this ridiculous day?"

Aria shrugged.

"It's fifth period already," Adagio continued, looking up at the clock. "The day is half over and we haven't gotten more than one valentine."

"Actually," Aria said, holding up a pair of store-bought cards, "I got two more."

Adagio stared at them dumbly. Her face contorted in rage. She snapped them up and ripped them both in half, throwing the shreds on the ground and stomping on them.

"Stupid valentines! Stupid holiday! Stupid school! Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

"Ugh, you're stupid," Aria muttered. "You just destroyed half our work! My work, that is, since I got them all."

"I got the first one!" Adagio cried, stalking off down the hall. "That's it! We've tried playing by the rules, and we've tried bending them. Now it's time to use force!"

Aria followed her to the cafeteria door, which Adagio summarily kicked in. All eyes within turned to them as Adagio mounted the nearest table, snatching up the lunch tray in front of some fat kid. He tried to protest, but she growled at him, and he backed off, whimpering. She stomped down the length of the table, holding the tray aloft.

"Students of Canterlot High!" she shouted. "We are the sirens, and you will fear and adore us! We demand you give us all of your valentines, or..." She paused for dramatic effect. "Your lunches will be forfeit!"

Adagio flipped the tray upside-down. Milk, cookies and half a sloppy joe tumbled to the table, splattering all over her boots, but she didn't care. One by one, the students stood, staring at her open-mouthed. Victory was within her grasp. Strangely, it tasted like sloppy joe.

"Hey!" shouted a girl, pointing at her. "Those are the girls who tried to brainwash the whole school!"

A murmur of assent rippled through the cafeteria.

"Yes, yes," Adagio said, fanning herself. "And you'll shower me with your tokens of affection if you don't wish to have an encore!"

"Oh, we'll shower you with our affection, all right," said one of the football players, grinning.

Adagio could only wonder why Aria started running.

"You are a taco! And so am I. There will be more tacos after me!"

"That was your great plan?" Aria screeched.

"They don't know we don't have our magic!" Adagio shouted. She turned to glare at Aria, but that only gave their pursuers a better shot at her face, which was quickly covered by a slice of pizza. Donuts, milk cartons and salads bit at their heels as they booked it around the corner.

"Maybe we should have gone to jail," Aria shouted back, ducking a chocolate milk, only to be pelted with three fruit cups simultaneously.

Everywhere they ran, the angry mob of students was hot on their heels, while teachers hurled admonishments about hall-running in much the same way the mob hurled corn dogs.

That is, until someone shouted, "Look! It's Sapphire Shores!"

Immediately, the mob of students turned toward the voice. Their angry howls became excited cheers. Their culinary missiles vanished, replaced by banners declaring their love for Sapphire Shores. They were gone in a trice, leaving the hallways eerily silent. Aria and Adagio made for the nearest exit and found themselves, panting and covered in food, beside the dumpster.

Somehow, it was fitting.

"Jail would definitely be better than this," Aria moaned.

"But why is the tequila gone?"

Enough tequila had, in fact, been drunk that both Sonata and Pinkie were having difficulties standing. This was not, however, a problem, as the tacos had flooded the room up to the top of the principal's desk, making things like walking and standing pointless. They had both elected to lie atop the tacos, which was far easier.

"Cuz life's not a cakewalk, missy," Pinkie drawled. "It's a... a taco lay." She closed her eyes. "Yeah. Sometimes, you just gotta lay on the tacos."

For a few minutes, the only sounds were of muffled birds and distant, angry students.

"We should open a do-it-yourself Mexican pizza restaurant," Sonata said at last. "Like... you do it yourself. And it's Mexican pizza. That you did."

"I like that," Pinkie said.

Again, they were quiet.

"Y'know, Pinkie," Sonata began, "you're real nice."

"I try. Everyone deserves to have friends."

"Even me?" Sonata tried to pry herself up, but her hand slipped through the tacos. With a hiccup, she flipped over and landed on her front. "Do I deserve anything? I don't got no magic no more."

"That's okay," Pinkie said, lifting a taco. She stared at it for a while before tossing it across the room. "You're just fun to hang around with. I'm glad we're doing this."

Sonata stared at the tacos as well. "I used ta use magic to sing. I miss singinginging."

With some difficulty, Pinkie was able to backstroke until she pulled up alongside Sonata.

"Then you should sing."

"It'll be bad." Sonata pouted.

"I'm the oooooonly other one here. And I won't judge. Pinkie promise."

Sonata gazed at the nearest taco. It glowed in the afternoon sunlight. She could almost hear it calling her name. She grasped it tenderly, like a baby, and brought it to her face, rubbing her cheek against it.

"I shall consume tacos," she whispered, "and do a sing."

Sonata ate the taco. Then she sang a song older than time itself. It was a song of the sea and sky at sunset. It was the song of a king returning from Pyrrhic victory. It was the song of a mother at her child's gravestone. It was the song of a lonely hermit, trapped and desolate in his own mind. It was the song of wandering through a dark forest, without a single star to guide.

It wasn't any good, but neither of them cared.

When Sonata was done, she opened eyes filled with tears. Pinkie's were likewise wet. She blew her nose on a taco.

"That was great," she said between sniffles.

Sonata blushed. "Th-thanks."

"You wanna make out?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

The situation at the dumpster had gotten rather interesting over the past few minutes. While Adagio and Aria had simply been trying to catch their breaths and clean themselves as much as they could, two other students, a boy and a younger girl, had apparently decided it was a good time and place to have a fight.

"What's with them?" Aria muttered, removing peaches from her pigtails.

"Who cares?" Adagio sighed. Her hair hung in limp, puddingy mats over her face. The effort of cleaning with her fingers alone was becoming too much to bear. "We've failed."

"Huh." Aria patted her jeans. "Yeah, I guess we did. I even lost muffin girl's valentine while we were running."

Adagio reached into the only pocket of her shorts that wasn't filled with creamed corn. Construction paper, only slightly soggy, greeted her touch. Sighing anew, she pulled it out. The card was shaped vaguely like herself; she had written a vapid statement about wanting to "rule your heart" on it.

"I suppose it doesn't have to be a total loss," she murmured. Smiling ever so slightly, she held it out to Aria. "We can at least be each others' valentines, right? What do you say, Aria?"

"Ew." Aria recoiled, her face writhing in disgust. "Gay!"

Adagio's mouth worked silently. She stared at Aria.

"What?" Aria demanded. "I'm not into that stuff! It was bad enough with muffin girl!"

"Well, I never!" Adagio dropped her card, standing and straightening her mussed clothing. She grasped her hair in both hands and wrung it. "I may be a centuries-old sea demon in human form, bent on world domination, but one thing I am not, Aria Blaze, is a homophobe!"

Aria squinted at her. "Wha?"

"You should be ashamed." Adagio sniffed, turning her nose up. "I can't even be seen with you right now."

"But..."

"You know, it's true what they say. You really are evil Sonata!"

Aria scowled at her. "What? That's stupid! I'm nothing like her! If anything, she's good me!" She blinked a few times. "Hey, wait, that's not what I meant!"

Adagio was already storming away, busily ignoring her. She moved to the two fighting students and grabbed them by the shoulders, wrenching them apart.

"All right," she said, "not that I really care, but what exactly going on here?"

That was the moment when she recognized them: the girl who had given her her first valentine card of the day, and the boy Aria had slammed against the lockers merely an hour ago. She lifted her hands, as though having just realized she was holding a hot pan.

"I called them off!" the boy shouted. "Sapphire Shores was my idea!"

"Yeah," the girl retorted, "but I made an' dithtributed the bannerth!"

"We had a deal!" he said, pointing a finger at her. "I get her--" he pointed at Adagio-- "and you get evil Sonata!"

"That'th not what I agreed to!"

They would have been back at each others' throats had Adagio not stepped between them.

"You know, as much as I detest you both, I find myself in the market for new minions." Her previous ones, after all, had grown so lax with her.

The pair stopped growling, turning to her. Adagio grinned.

"How would you two like to support my next scheme for world domination? You'll get ten percent. Total, of course."

"I'd do it for thikth!" the girl said.

"I'm so with this," added the boy.

"Excellent." A thought struck Adagio, and she thrust a finger under each of their chins. "So long as you're not homophobic."

"I'm bithekthual."

"I think girls making out is hot."

Adagio rolled her eyes. "Good enough. Now follow me, new minions! We've a school to conquer!"

Her new minions made eye contact, but smiled at each other.

"Dem hips?"

"Dem hipth."

Meanwhile, her old minion stomped around in the mud by the trash heap. "I hate you, Adagio!" she screamed.

She got a first-hand account of the day's menu as Granny Smith emptied the lunchroom garbage bins.

Getting sent to the principal's office was nothing new to Vinyl Scratch. She knew the way by heart, not to mention being able to anticipate by means of vocal pitch when certain teachers were fed up enough to get rid of her.

No, the new part was definitely the wall of tacos that greeted her when she opened the door. It stretched nearly to the ceiling. And that was to say nothing of the two girls furiously tongue-wrestling atop it.

Not sure what to do, let alone where Principal Celestia might be, Vinyl cleared her throat and knocked on the door jamb. The girls turned toward her, fury burning in their eyes.

"DON'T YOU SAY A WORD!"

Vinyl slammed the door, threw her hands up, and backed into the hallway until she bumped into someone.

"Vinyl! Watch where you're going!"

She turned to see a familiar look of disapproval on a familiar grey face. Vinyl waved cheerfully.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised you're here," Octavia said.

Vinyl pointed at her questioningly.

"Why am I here? I thought perhaps Principal Celestia could shed some light on these Sapphire Shore rumors." She glanced over Vinyl's shoulder. "Is she in?"

Vinyl shook her head. Then she motioned to the door with a finger, crossed her arms at the wrists, and, nodding with her lips pressed together seriously, banged the backs of her fists together.

"Ugh!" Octavia drew back. "You are so crude sometimes! And here I thought Vice Principal Luna was bad enough."

Vinyl pointed two fingers at her nose and stuck her tongue between them. Octavia turned beet red.

"You watch your language!"

She stalked off down the hall and Vinyl followed, laughing silently.

"Ahh, mi amore Celesita! My little daystar, why must we stay apart for so long? Every semester, I long to have you in my arms once again!"

"Oh, Principal Sombrero! These affairs are too illicit! If anyone found out what we do before the Friendship Games, it would mean our jobs for sure!"

"To Tartarus with what others think! We are made for each other! You are the light to my darkness, the fire to my smoke! Let me kiss you! Mwah, mwah, mwah!"

"Oh, Sombrero! Oh! Oh! Oh--"

"Luna, what are you doing?"

Vice Principal Luna sat bolt upright in her desk chair. She hid the toys behind her back, though it was already too late. Her older sister leaned against her door frame, face awash in disapproval.

"Sister! Back from Crystal Prep so soon? I, I was... merely preparing myself mentally for the upcoming Friendship Games!"

Celestia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "You do know Sombra isn't the principal at Crystal Prep anymore, don't you?"

Luna pouted. "Well, I haven't got an action figure of the new principal, now have I?"

"Yet you seem to have a doll of me."

Luna's pout intensified. "Action figure."

"Whatever, Luna." Celestia shook her head. "Since you're not busy, would you mind giving me a hand?"

"Oh? What with?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "A pair of students and a few hundred pounds of tacos that require eviction from my office."

Luna clucked her tongue and shook her head. "Again?"

Author's Note

I really have no explanation for this story, save that it was inspired by a dream, a Taco Bell binge, and this journal. You can see a lot of Pinkie and Sonata's one-liners in the comments there. Thanks to everyone who helped inspire those scenes!

Also thanks to themaskedferret for suggesting the final scene, ME Lovecolt for Pinkie's family joke, writer and Filler for feedback, and Pascoite for edits.

If you liked this story, please check out And It Was Going So Well, Too, which is also set in the EGQ universe, and was also a whole lot of time spent with the sole purpose of making stupid jokes at the characters' expense.

And yeah, I know August is about as far as you can get from Valentine's Day. I don't write things in a timely manner, okay? :V