We Have The Meats

by Shukawarioserfi

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Discord, Princess Celestia
Length: 1072

Discord opens up an Arby's in Ponyville.

Arby's is a fast food chain dedicated to "Having the Meats". When one of these chains expands it's way into Ponyville, most ponies are both skeptical and nauseous. Some however, are eager to try new things.

Which member of the royal family will get hopelessly hooked on this stuff?

How long before eating meat is considered "normal" by Equestrian standards? It would have to be soon, because a certain carnivorous princesses one goal is to raise awareness that eating meat is not really a big deal.

Published 2015-08-14 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-14 03:00:01 UTC

This Chapter Is Brought To You By Arby's

Meat is defined as the flesh of animals used for food. Meat has protein, vitamins, and is essential in many animals' diet. The majority of Ponyville however, doesn't seem to think so.

"Meat is murder!" Screamed many ponies in unison, flailing their signs about in protest. Discord only rolled his eyes.

You see, minutes earlier Discord had an idea of opening his own restaurant. He had just found out that it was his lifelong dream, as well as spreading a little chaos on the side. What better way to open a restaurant and spread some chaos then to open something that ponies have never seen before? So, he conjured up an Arby's from Burbank and minutes later, after Discord put up a sign that said "We Have The Meats," ponies swarmed the restaurant in protest.

Who knew Ponyville was so closed-minded?

Actually Discord knew, so he called Celestia over to be the first customer just in case. She showed up shortly, and as she landed in front of the restaurant there were plenty of gasps in response. The protesters bowed in response as Celestia entered the restaurant, then they all followed in after her to see what she would do.

She ordered the Reuben.

With a side of curly fries.

A few ponies fainted.

The meat staple of the Reuben is Corned Beef, which comes from cows. Most ponies knew that the term "beef" referred to the meat of a cow. "Corned" just referred to the salt-curing process the beef went through, which used harsh grains or "corns" of salt.

Some of the ponies stepped forward. Surely if Celestia didn't mind eating this stuff then they should be okay as well. Discord grinned as he took a few more ponies orders.

Celestia grabbed her tray and sat down. A few ponies still circled her, waiting for her to take a bite. Celestia sighed and took a small bite of her sandwich, and then politely shooed everypony away. Truthfully, she hated eating in front of other ponies. She had to eat like a princess, which involved taking small dainty bites of her food. As a result, she was almost always hungry. Whenever she had a chance to be alone she would eat mountains of food by herself.

Celestia looked around cautiously, and when she sensed nopony was looking she stuffed the whole sandwich in her mouth. Then, she did the same with her fries. She gulped, pushing the gigantic lump of food from her mouth into her esophagus. She succeeded. Now all that was left was to order something else to go.

She trotted up to the counter. "Ahem." She coughed, alerting Discord of her presence.

"Ah how may I assist you princess?" Discord said smiling.

"I'd like to order a Meat Mountain to go." Celestia whispered, so nopony else would hear her.

"Okay, one Apple Turnover to go." Discord said, giving Celestia a wink.

Celestia mouthed a "thank you" to the kind draconequus and moved patiently back to her seat. Discord moved over to help the next pony in line.

"Uh... do the Apple Turnover's have meat in them?" Applejack asked.

"No." Discord said, rolling his eyes, then reading from an ingredient list just in case. "Just flour, diced apples, water, sugar, corn syrup and a little bit of icing."

"Alright." Applejack said relieved. "One apple turnover." She said in her normal volume, then she whispered. "And two ham melts please."

"Wonderful." Discord beamed. "Four bits."

Applejack handed Discord the bits he requested and then moved to an empty seat. Twilight was the next pony in line.

"Discord are you sure you're okay with running a whole restaurant by yourself?" Twilight asked curiously.

"All by myself?" Discord said shocked. "Don't be ridiculous, I brought Donut Joe along to help. Plus it's not like we have a drive thru or anything."

"What's a Drive Thru?" Twilight asked curiously.

Discord's eyes shrank as he realized his mistake. "Never mind." Discord said. "Are you going to order something."

"Can I have a hay burger?" Twilight asked.

"We don't sell hay or burgers here Twilight, why don't you look at the menu?" Discord responded.

Twilight looked cautiously at the menu. "What do you recommend?" She asked sheepishly.

"Anything with meat really." Discord said slyly.

Twilight was getting visibly sick in response. "Could I have the Haytalian sub with no meat?" Twilight asked.

Discord shook his head and pointed to a poster in the lobby, a poster which read "A Sandwich Without Meat Isn't."

Twilight was getting visibly angry. "Isn't the customer always right?" She barked.

Discord pointed to a poster on the other side of the lobby, one which read: "The Customer Is Always Right, Unless They Are Vegetarian."

Twilight growled. "Ugh... fine. Give me the Haytalian Sub. I'll take the meat off when I get home."

Discord shrugged. "Very well then."

Twilight handed Discord 5 bits to pay for the sandwich, before getting distracted by the commotion outside. It wasn't protesting... it was...

A Public Service Announcement?

Twilight peeked curiously outside, and saw that many ponies were gathered there behind a thin sheet and a film projector. What was on screen was a bit shocking to say the least.

Ponies screamed and cheered in response. Hundreds of ponies marched into the meat-filled establishment with blood lust. Twilight got up slowly after being tripped up by the stampede, she squinted trying to see who was running the film projecter. It was Celestia, giggling like a filly. Twilight walked up to her.

"Wh-why?" Twilight asked curiously. "Why are you promoting this?"

"Twilight." Celestia said, still laughing softly. "Meat is just a product of livestock. If a cow died after giving milk her whole life, wouldn't it make sense to freeze it and use it for food, rather than waste it by dumping the body."

"But..." Twilight said dumbfounded.

"The only reason a cow has four stomachs is to make its meat taste better." Celestia explains. "These animals are not intelligent, and in a way, we're just saving graveyard space."

"I guess eating meat isn't such a big deal." Twilight said.

"Oh it's a big deal." Celestia responded.

"Why?" Twilight asked.

"...It's not canon." Celestia said, glancing at the fourth wall.

Author's Note

See that! Meat IS canon!

Anyway, ponies eating meat shouldn't be such a big deal guys, seriously.