False Advertising

by busyguy

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Derpy Hooves
Length: 2043

Ditzy Doo's branch office is getting a new copy machine! But first, she has to help her friend Rainbow with a little colt problem...

Ditzy Doo is FINALLY going to get her old hoof-cranked copy machine replaced with something shiny and new! There is much celebration and happiness to be had!

But before it arrives, she gets a visit from her old flight school friend, Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow has a problem. ...A colt problem. But Ditzy knows just what to do...

Rated Teen for a bit of raciness. ...Yay!

Oh! And the cover art is mine! MINE!

Butt... you can use it for whatever. I don't mind. Derpy is like a joint... She should never be bogarted by anypony! Wow that joke went someplace weird. ...made me think of terrible things. Mostly about how hard it would be to roll a pony in a cigarette paper...

Please note: I do not not endorse the consumption of controlled substances. Nor do I condone the assault of small equines with rolling papers. Now go get high on life and ...fall in love or something. You never know, that special somepony could be knocking on your door right about ...now.

...now

...now?

Riiiiight... Now!

Published 2015-08-15 14:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-15 14:10:02 UTC

The whole kit'n caboodle!

Author's Note

Well Hi thar! I just wanted you all to know that I wrote this little story in an ice cream parlor over a thousand miles from home. Why is this an important thing to tell you? ...I have absolutely no idea! But I can tell you with complete and utter certainty ...that the ice cream was delicious!

...I go!

The whole kit'n caboodle!

Ah, the smell of paper and honey based glue... It was the best smell in the world! ...If you happened to be a mailmare, anyway.

Ditzy Doo took a nice deep breath of the familiar musty air in her little branch office in Ponyville, and sighed it all back out again. She had already made the morning deliveries, and was now happily relaxing behind the little counter in the front. She was waiting for customers to bring her more letters ...and also a very special delivery of her own.

Looking over her shoulder, Ditzy gave her old copying machine a sad look.

"I'm sorry..." She said to the massive, silent, and ink encrusted relic. "...But I don't have a choice!"

The machine was a thirty three year old Neighton, an early hoof-cranked version of the new Hoofiba she was expecting any minute now. It had served her tiny little branch office well, but yesterday some of the parts had finally given up the ghost. She had sent for repairs, of course. But the repair-pony had told her that their company was no longer supporting the older machines. She'd had no choice but to order one of the new magically powered copiers.

She'd heard nothing but good things about them! But she was kinda floating around somewhere between excited, and worried.

The bell above the door suddenly tinkled, and Ditzy lifted her head with the honest hope that it was her new copier. ...Well It wasn't, but it was one of her bestest friends in the whole wide world...

"Good morning, Rainbow Dash!"

Rainbow gave her a friendly smirk. "Morning, Derpy! I was just cruising around, and I was wondering... Could you do me a little favor?"

Ditzy nodded. "Sure I can! But is this about the weather team being short hoofed again? ...Cause you know I'm not the best weather pony. I mean, unless you need lots and lots of lightning or something..."

"It's got nothing to do with the weather," Rainbow interrupted, looking nervously at the wooden floorboards. "It's ...more of a personal favor, actually."

"Oh, okay! What's the favor, Rainbow? ...Need a little pick-me-up? I've got a fresh batch in the oven right now!" Ditzy asked, happy she didn't have to help the weather team again.

"Huh? Oh! Your muffins! Yeah, um ...no thanks. I just ate." Rainbow deflected.

Ditzy felt a bit of worry build in her chest. It wasn't like Rainbow to say no to fresh muffins. They were one of her favorite foods. "Oh... Okay, Rainbow. No muffins this morning. ...So what's this favor you need, anyway? You started to say, but then I kinda interrupted you."

Rainbow waved a dismissive hoof. "You didn't interrupt, Derpy. I just... Well you see ...I wrote this letter last night. And I need it delivered ...but not today or tomorrow! I have to have a few good days head starrrr... rest! Yeah, a few days of good rest before it gets delivered. Can you do that for me? Delay it, I mean?"

Ditzy nodded enthusiastically. "Sure thing, Rainbow Dash! I can do that, easy! But ...why?"

Rainbow clammed up, clearly uncomfortable. She was trying to hide it, but Ditzy and Rainbow had been close friends for a good long time. The mailmare caught on right away...

"No... Don't tell me! You're breaking up with Soarin!? But I thought you two were perfect together!" Ditzy exclaimed, vaulting over the counter with all the grace and poise of a kangaroo in a ball pit. "What happened?"

Rainbow took a step back, but wasn't fast enough to avoid being wrapped up in a tight hug.

"Uff! G-get off, Derpy! You're ...ow! You're crushing me!"

Ditzy relaxed her grip, and stood back up, looking Rainbow over worriedly. "I'm sorry, Rainbow. ...I'm just so surprised!" She explained. "You two looked so happy all the time, so I thought that..."

Rainbow cut her off with a raised hoof, "It's fine! Or actually ...it used to be fine." Rainbow sighed, meeting Derpy's familiar uneven gaze. "It's just, ...I wasn't really expecting my coltfriend to be more interested in exercise and ...pies, than in me, you know?"

Ditzy nodded knowingly. "I do..." Her head then slowly tilted to the side. "Actually? ...I don't think I do at all. What does something delicious and flaky have to do with relationships?"

Rainbow pointed a hoof aggressively. "That's just it! I mean, sure... He sent me love letters, bought me gifts, ...he even wrote me a poem! But it's all pie!"

Ditzy tilted her head. "Pie? Rainbow, that doesn't make any sense!"

Rainbow reached back and tugged at her tail, pulling out a piece of paper. "Here! Read this stupid thing and you'll see what I'm up against here."

Ditzy leaned in and took the paper carefully, so as not to bop Rainbow's nose with her own, and began to read aloud...

"Roses are red...

Violets are blue...

...I really like ...pie.

I ...hope you do to?"

Ditzy drew her head back away from the paper, eyeing it like it was a big hairy bug. "Oh... well it's very, um..."

Rainbow groaned, falling to the floor and covering her head with her hooves. "I Knooohohoho! He's terrible! I mean, come on! Just the other day he took me to that new place up in Cloudsdale. You know, the one with the super thick hayfries? Anyway, I start putting the moves on pretty hard, right? But he toootally missed them! Every. Single. One! I practically waved my flank in his face, and he just kept right on eating! It's like all the featherbrain can think about is his stupid pies!" Rainbow rolled onto her back, pouting. "I know it's not me! I mean, it can't be! I've been making it as obvious as possible for weeks now! But here it's been almost two whole months and we haven't even..." She trailed off. ...But Ditzy Doo missed nothing.

"He hasn't even kissed you yet!?" Ditzy asked, flabbergasted.

Rainbow slowly shook her head, and said nothing more.

Ditzy stomped a hoof angrily. "Well no wonder you're looking to leave him! I would leave a colt too if he didn't give me at least one good smooch a week!"

Slowly getting back up, Rainbow revealed a tiny reserved smile. "I think you would give a nice guy more than a week, Derpy. And besides, you only ever go for the nice colts anyway. It's just silly little me that goes for the bad boys. Serves me right that they always turn out to be exactly what I was looking for..."

As Rainbow hung her head to sulk, Ditzy walked over and hung her wing over her droopy friend's back. "Oh come on, Rainbow Dash. It's not that bad. You just need a bit more time to learn the ways of being a proper lady, that's all."

Rainbow scoffed. "A lady, huh? Derpy... We both know that this..." Rainbow gestured to herself. "...Is never going to be even a tiny little bit like Rarity! Not even after a whole year of training from the mare herself!"

"No, no! Not that kind of lady!" Dizty admonished. "I mean like... well here, I'll just show you!"

Rainbow watched as Ditzy trotted over to the office's barren wall, and ...addressed it?

"Hello mister wall!" She said happily ...to the wall. "I was just passing by, and I couldn't help but notice you standing here all alone..."
She then lowered her head slightly, and hooded her eyes. "I'm wondering if you would let me help fix that little problem..." She then swished her tail, and brought her head down low. She then moaned gently as her tongue slooowly traced a meandering path up the wallpaper.

As for Rainbow... "waa..." ~POMF~

Ditzy turned, seeing Rainbow Dash had locked up, wings fully extended. She instantly broke out in laughter.

"EEEEEEEheeheeheeheee Ahahahahahaa! Ray... Ray... Rainbow? I ...heehee. I think you might have a bigger pro ...problem than finding a colt to cuddle with! Heeheehee!"

Rainbow's blush deepened. "What! But I'm not! ...I mean I'm ...I'm not a filly fooler, darn it! ...And what the hay was that, anyway! Why would I ever do something like ...like that!"

Ditzy got control of herself, and said, "Well it gets the male mind movin, that's why! It's how my momma dearest taught me to land the 'Big Kahuna', whatever in the world that is." She trotted back over to Rainbow, giving her a conspiratorial grin. "...But I found out a loooong time ago, that it works much better on colts, than whatever kahunas are. You just go out there, find the big fluffy muffin of your dreams, and you do what I just did to that wall over there, right to their snout! ...OH! Speaking of which..." She waved at the slobbery wall. "Sorry mister wall, but you just don't have what I'm looking for in a stallion!"

Rainbow snickered. "Derpy? You have got to be on par with Pinkie Pie for being the most random pony ever!"

"Yup! I'm the best!" Ditzy confirmed. "Now it's your turn, Rainbow. Show me what ya got!"

Rainbow's smile instantly vanished. "Huh? ...Oh! Oh no! Nononono, I am not licking that." She pointed at the - admittedly rather dirty - wall.

"Hmm..." Ditzy hmm'd. "...Okay, then. You can use ...that!" She said, pointing to the office's glass door.

Rainbow shied away, even though the door was half way across the room. "But..."

"No buts, missy!" Ditzy said as she got behind Rainbow and started pushing her. "You have... to learn this stuff... Rainbow Dash! It's important... for a mare... your age!"

"My age! But you're only a few years older than me!" Rainbow protested.

"And I'm also... a mommy! Now do you want... Urgh ...to be able ...to get any stallion you want... or not!?" Ditzy answered, pushing her reluctant friend slowly across the room.

"Okay, okay! Just stop with the pushing!" Rainbow said, allowing herself to fall forward onto her belly.

"Good." Ditzy said as she dusted off her hooves. "Now go ahead and introduce yourself..."

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Ugh, fine. ... ...uh. Hello, Mr. ...door."

"Not like that! Do it like you want his flat little foals!" Ditzy demanded.

"Oh Come on, Derpy! This is just ...weird!" Rainbow exclaimed. She looked back at her long time friend, expecting a reaction to her continuing resistance. But Ditzy just sat there, staring expectantly. Apparently stalling was not an option.

Swallowing hard, Rainbow stood and faced the glass door. She could hear her hooves rattling against the wood floor as she did nothing but simply approach the clear, cold, and lifeless surface. Her heart hammered away at speeds well beyond her normal training heart rate.

She could not believe how absolutely wrecked her poor nerves were right now! ...And over some stupid glass door, no less! Glass couldn't even talk!

Suddenly, a gentle grey hoof was smoothing down her thoroughly ruffled fur...

"Easy there, Rainbow Dash. Remember, it's just a fellow pony. A fellow pony who wants to meet a mare. ...A mare just. like. you." Ditzy said, poking Rainbows nose with each word.

Rainbow felt her heart start to calm, and when she looked back up to the glass, she saw the perfect stallion. He was big. He was strong...

"Heh... hello there." She said in her sexiest voice. "I was just flying by, and I couldn't help but notice you standing here all by yourself..." She lowered her head slightly, bending her neck as daintily as silk curtains bent in a gentle breeze. ...And lidded her eyes. "Why don't we just make love. Right here. ...Right now."

...

...

...

...

"...YEEEAH! ...BUT FIRST? IS DERPY HOOVES IN THERE? I'VE GOT THIS COPIER OUT HERE..."

"Bulk Biceps! I uh... I was just! I mean I... ...EEP!" ~thud~

The end :)