Thunder boomed throughout the night sky while packs of wolves howled at the moon. A great castle loomed over the valley, spreading its darkness and evil over the landscape like a blanket. Its high, gothic steeples pierced the blackness of night like a dagger to the heart. From within its stone walls, a petrified scream called out for a savior.
“Oh, won’t somepony help me!” the fair white-coated maiden cried as she rattled the chains that kept her clung to the dungeon’s wall.
“No one can save you, Maiden Rarity!” A menacing shadow formed before her deep blue eyes.
The shadow twisted and manipulated itself until it took on its actual form: the diabolical, ominous, and malevolent Count Hannibal. His jet black mane stopped between his shoulder blades, his long cape cascading on the ground beneath his unholy feet. His fangs grew sharper by the second as he hungered for the taste of his captured mare.
“You are but a spider caught in my web!” he said, flashing his sharp talons. “Continue on with your pleading and screaming, it will only tire you out, making you even easier to devour!” he hissed.
Maiden Rarity’s vocal chords screeched again. “If only there was a brave, heroic, and very handsome dragon to save me from my doom!”
Just then, the thunderous sound of galloping bombarded towards the wall. On his trusty purple steed, the valiant Sir Spike the Awesomeness raced towards the dreadful castle of Count Hannibal.
“Fear not, my dear Rarity!” his deep, booming voice called. “For I will rescue you!”
In a flash, his steed bashed in the door before he introduced himself with a magnificent breath of fire. He leapt into the air, doing a front flip to show that he meant business, before landing flawlessly on the ground. Puffing out his beefy chest, he pointed his sword directly at the beast that was preparing to consume his love.
“Count Hannibal!” his voice cannoned again. “Prepare to get your butt smashed in!”
The Count replied with a threatening hiss, “Foolish Sir Spike the Awesomeness! You cannot save Maiden Rar-”
Spike’s enormous boulder of a fist imploded the Count’s face, making him drop to the floor like a sack of bricks. He didn’t have time for monologues; he had a lady to save. He strode forward, flexing his biceps and pectorals as Rarity watched in awe.
“You…will not…win!” Count Hannibal said weakly, attempting to snatch at Spike’s thick ankles with his measly little hand.
Spike was already a step ahead, literally. He turned around, tossing his sword into the air, and looked over his shoulder. “Watch this, babe.”
Gripping his sword at the precise moment, Spike swiftly brought his arm down, slicing his blade right through Count Hannibal. Smoke emitted from his body as the sword cut through him, its wicked awesomeness simply too much for a loser like Count Hannibal to handle. When Spike put his sword back in its sheath, all that remained of the Count was a pathetic pile of ash.
“Spikey Wikey, I knew you’d save me!” Rarity celebrated with joyful tears running down her pretty face.
“Maiden Rarity, I would travel to the ends of Equestria and back just for one glimpse of your beauty,” Spike said, kneeling beneath her dangling feet.
“My hero!”
“Now.” Spike stood up with a triumphant smile. “Let’s get you out of these chains!”
Wrapping his large hands around them, Spike ripped the chains from their sockets, freeing Maiden Rarity’s wrists and ankles. She collapsed into his big, muscular arms, running her soft hands along his smooth scales. Never in her life had she been so mystified by a male’s body.
“You are safe now, my love,” Spike assured the maiden, straightening her fine, purple mane with his claw.
“Oh, my heroic knight!” she swooned. “Kiss me! Kiss me!”
The two puckered their lips, leaning closer to each other to share a powerful, spellbinding kiss of pure love…
“Eh…wha?” Spike groaned, rubbing his drowsy eyes. He looked around. The dungeon had vanished, there was no Count Hannibal and, unfortunately, no Maiden Rarity that needed saving.
“Aw man, it was just a dream,” he huffed, slopping back down onto his pillow in frustration. “It was a pretty good one though…” he said softly.
Now that he was up and his fantasy was over, Spike couldn’t force himself to fall back to sleep. The sheep refused to be counted and neither side of his pillow ever wanted to stay cool. Years went by and he still lied there in agony of sleep deprivation. He fully expected his friends to find him to be murdered by boredom in the morning.
“Eugh, why’d I even have to wake up?” the dragon complained, scratching his claws against his smooth scales. “I know! I’ll ask Twilight how I can fall back to sleep! She’s got to have some sleeping spell or something!”
Shuffling out of his covers and basket, Spike crept over to Twilight’s bed, clutching at her bedspread to hoist himself up onto her bed.
The covers were pulled up to her face, her horn and a bit of her wings peeking out from underneath. She nuzzled against her pillow as she breathed peacefully.
“Psst, hey Twilight, do you know any spells to help me go to sleep?” Spike asked as quiet as a mouse while he steadied himself on the bed.
He extended his hand to shake her leg. He brushed up against something that didn’t feel like her leg at all. In fact, it felt more like a…
“No way…!”
Overfilled with curiosity, Spike fiddled around the covers more, determined to find out if his suspicions were correct. He could see the outline the covers made, the wrinkles of the cloth extending outward, rather impressively as well. Twilight murmured in her sleep when he gave it a light squeeze, making Spike freeze in terror. When she remained still, Spike got the all clear to investigate some more. She had to have one; he was certain of it.
Like he was walking on eggshells, he tiptoed to the top of the bed. He’d be able to get a better glimpse of it if he looked underneath the covers. Twilight’s breath against his body served as a reminder that she could wake up at any time, so he had to be extra careful.
Come on, Spike, it’s just a few more steps. Think about the payoff!
As he neared the finish line, Twilight started to move again, this time more actively. Spike panicked, hopping around like the bed was made of hot coals. She started to turn over on her side, bringing the blankets with her. The fabric moving underneath him caused Spike to lose his balance and tumble off the bed. He was sure that his thump sounded like the explosion of an atom bomb. Grimacing and ready for a barrage of questions, Spike looked up; Twilight was still asleep.
“Thank goodness,” he said with a loud, heavy sigh. “I’m not sure how I could explain to Twilight that I was trying to see her pe-”
“Spike? What are you doing up? Who are you talking to? Why aren’t you in bed?”
There it was. The assault of questions came like bullets, each of them hitting the bull’s-eye. Twilight sleepily looked down at her pet dragon, who sat upon the floor with a dumbstruck, horrified look on his face.
“Uhh…I was…uh…I had to get some water. Yeah! Water! I was really thirsty and I needed a nice, cold glass of water!” Spike raced over his words, hastily walking back to his bed.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Oooookay. Are you sure everything’s fine? You’re acting out of sorts!”
“I’m great! Couldn’t be better! Boy, I sure am tired!” He gave a theatrical yawn as he crawled back into bed. “Nighty night, Twi.”
“Goodnight, I guess…” Twilight said, watching Spike plop down onto his pillow. “Maybe I’m just having a weird dream.”
Spike pretended to snore, waiting anxiously for Twilight to go back to sleep. Once he heard her snoring softly, he wiped away the sweat on his forehead. His eyelids lowered themselves slowly as the little dragon began drifting back off into dreamland…
Rose petals sprinkled the floor of Sir Spike the Awesomeness’s bedroom. Dozens of scented candles were scattered about the room, filling it with the lovely smell of lavender, pink things, and other stuff Sir Spike knew mares enjoyed like jewelry. A stereo crisply played a soulful guitar solo as a breeze danced through the wind chimes hanging in the window. An enormous, heart-shaped canopy bed sat in the middle of the room with the fair Maiden Rarity sprawled out on top in nothing but a black, lacey bra and panties that hugged around sexy hips.
“I’m forever grateful for you rescuing me from that wretched Count Hannibal, oh Sir Spike the Awesomeness!” Rarity cooed as she twirled some of her purple mane with her finger. “I must repay you!”
Sir Spike stood across the bed, eagerly looking upon his mare. He strutted forward, made a quick stop at the mirror to flex his muscles some more, and then crawled onto the bed. Using a claw, he unhooked Maiden Rarity’s bra before tossing it onto the ground. Rarity’s delicate hands took hold of his big, strong arms, guiding them from her shoulders to her breasts and, finally, to her hips.
“Ready for some real, nice lovemaking, Maiden Rarity?” Spike asked while raising his eyebrow seductively.
“My hero, I’ve fantasized about this moment for months, NO, years!” Rarity exclaimed. “Love me with all your lovey-lovey love, Sir Spike!”
“You got it, baby,” smiled Spike, showing off his gleaming pearly whites. “Ain’t nothing going to stop this very mature, very adult Spike!”
Sir Spike’s hands moved to take off Rarity’s panties while he leaned in to kiss the mare of his dreams. Something brushing up against Spike’s arms interrupted the two before their lips could meet. He glanced down, seeing something bob around underneath Maiden Rarity’s underwear.
“What the?” Sir Spiked asked himself.
Quickly, Spike brought down Rarity’s panties, ignoring her delighted yelp that he was waiting so long to hear.
“No...no...it can’t be!” Spike crawled backwards on the bed, completely terrified of what he had just seen.
Inches before him was a semi-flaccid purple horse penis resting on top of a pair of heavy testicles.
“Get out of my head,” Sir Spike screamed. “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”
“Spike?”
The formerly brave knight’s eyes shot wide open. “No, that voice...please…”
Hesitantly, he looked back up. The Maiden Rarity had disappeared completely.
“I’m not here, this isn’t happening!” Spike shouted.
Instead of the mare of his dreams, it was Twilight Sparkle.
“What’s the matter, Spike?” Twilight asked as she slowly stroked her member with her hand. “Oh, this old thing? How could you have never noticed my giant horse cock, we’ve only lived together since you were hatched!”
“NO!”
Spike sprung upwards in his bed like a jack-in-the-box. His blankets were soaked with his cold sweat that streaked down his body. His heart raced with the speed of a bullet, his blood pressure probably soaring off the charts. He frantically looked around the room, hoping to Celestia that he wasn’t dreaming anymore. Twilight was still asleep in her bed, the bulge that caught his attention still there...just tempting his curiosity.
“Tonight is gonna be a long night…” Spike groaned. “But I gotta get some sleep…”
As soon as his head hit the pillow, the sunrise began peaking over the mountains. A few songbirds were getting an early start on their day’s melodies.
“Not fair, Celestia, not fair.”
Spike groggily made his way out of bed, shielding his eyes from the bright sun shining through the window. At least he was able to get an extra hour and a half of sleep after being rudely awakened by the sunrise. Twilight’s bed was already neatly made, the sheets tucked tightly underneath the mattress and the pillow pre-fluffed for tonight’s rest. Sir Spike couldn’t even get the image of her large bulge underneath the covers out of his head!
“There’s no way she has a dick,” the little dragon debated with himself. “But…it sure did feel like one!”
He thought back to last night. The bulge underneath the covers was there, that he was 100 percent sure of, but could she actually have a penis? She couldn’t hide it behind her size of panties either. However, Spike knew better than to underestimate Twilight. With her magical abilities, she could think up any little trick to keep it hidden!
“Maybe I can find a clue or something nearby,” Spike said, pacing around the bed as he inspected every nook and cranny for some sort of nerdy-unicorn-with-a-dick sign, whatever that may look like.
“Okay, I literally have no idea what I’m looking for, but I’m gonna find...something at least!”
“Spike!” Twilight’s voice called. “Breakfast is ready! Come on, you sleepy head!”
Just the sound of her voice made him anxious. He didn’t like sneaking around her room while she wasn’t looking like this. If she caught him snooping around for anything at all, he’d receive a lecture about respecting other ponies’ privacy. Wanting to avoid that, Spike quit his treasure hunt and headed downstairs, his belly grumbling the entire way.
“Woah!”
A pile of pancakes towered over a vast array of breakfast foods and goodies. Golden yellow scrambled eggs, syrup coated waffles, and sweet cinnamon buns were all spread out on the table in a picture perfect breakfast feast. There was even a collection of gleaming, sparkling gems just calling out Spike’s name.
“Good morning, Spike!” Twilight smiled, turning away from the counter as she stirred a spoon in a bowl of batter. “I hope you’re hungry!”
“Am I!?” Spike said as he munched on some gems, wasting no time in digging in. He gulped the delicious crystals down and licked their crumbs from his claws. “Why’d you cook all this food, not that I’m complaining!”
Spiked popped another small gem into his mouth as Twilight buttered some toast. “I was in the mood for a big breakfast. Besides, I’ve been meaning to try out some recipes that Pinkie gave me. I was going to try making her ‘Double-Double-Triple Chocolate Chip Pancakes,’ but the directions were pretty daunting!” She giggled before biting into her toast.
“Say,” she began after swallowing. “Were you up late last night and crawling over my bed?”
Spike nearly choked on his gemstone, coughing up bits and pieces of what was left in his mouth. He wished she had totally forgotten about last night, though he was expecting that question to come up at some point. He regained composure, washing down the gem with a quick swig of water, and thought up an alibi.
“I got up to get a glass of water pretty late last night, yeah,” he explained himself. “But I went straight back to bed afterwards.” Oh how he wanted to ask the million dollar question.
Twilight scratched her chin. “Then it must’ve been a dream. Strange though, because I could’ve sworn it actually happened…”
The unicorn walked over to the stove and placed the sausage she had cooking in a pan onto a plate. Spike watched as she placed each large, thick piece of the meat onto the plate. Twilight picked one up with a fork, juices leaking from the end, and brought it to her mouth, placing the opposite end in the middle of her tongue as she bit down onto the delicious meat.
Seriously? Spike thought to himself.
“Hmmm, this is delicious! Want a piece?” Twilight asked, offering Spike a piece.
It only looked like one thing to him.
“Uhh…n-no, I’m good,” He said, desperately hoping Twilight didn’t notice the sweat on his forehead.
“I’ll save you some for later then, in the meantime, more for me!” She said happily before scarfing down another piece.
Spike averted his eyes out of his embarrassment, though he ended up looking at a hand of bananas. Soon, everything in his sight looked phallic. They were everywhere and all he had to do was just ask Twilight a simple question. A sequence of five words. That’s all he needed to do. Instead, he became soaked with sweat as Twilight happily ate her sausage. A small amount of milk leaked from the side of her mouth as she gulped it down, dripping off her chin. He couldn’t handle it anymore.
“Gah, I can’t handle this anymore!” He shouted.
“What?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.
“The sausage. The bananas! I gotta…I gotta go out for a walk real quick. I-I’ll be back later!” Spike made like a bullet towards the castle’s entrance, dying to escape this torturous hell.
Spike slammed the door, the sound echoing through the empty castle. Twilight sat dumbfounded in the kitchen, at a loss of words for what made Spike burst out of the castle like there was a fire.
“…What the shit was that all about?”
It was 11 am on a Wednesday.
Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity were all at Sugarcube Corner, getting their day started together with some conversation inside the empty sweets shop.
“Okay, okay, just hear me out Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash pleaded. “All I’m saying is that you could always use some extra security here. I’d just give them an ocular pat-down and you’d be good to go!”
The pegasus scanned over the pink earth pony’s body, making her giggle in the process. “I don’t really think we need security here, Dashie! But what about…mittens for kittens!”
“Oh, some kitten mittens?” Rarity chimed in. “I’ve designed a few for Opal. They work wonders! She’s never clawing at the furniture or making a lot of noise…though, Pinkie, you don’t own a cat, so they’d be rather useless to you, dear.”
“And, um, cats don’t really like wearing things on their paws, either.” Fluttershy said softly.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Applejack moderated. “How’d we all get on the subject of, er, kitten mittens from talking about security for Sugarcube Corner? I agree with Pinkie, I don’t think there’s any need for somepony eyeballin’ everypony that comes waltzing in here! Knowing you, it sounds like an excuse to eye up a quick date to me, Rainbow.”
Dash snorted into laugher. “Please, Applejack, I’m a five star mare! I don’t need to devise a system to pick up dates, it comes naturally!”
“What about when you tried to hit on that one Royal Guard the last time Celestia was in town? You tried for hours and hours and hours! I remember because I watched you the whole time!” Pinkie chuckled.
“Or when you sneezed all over Thunderlane while trying to say your pickup line,” Fluttershy mentioned.
“And that whole thing with Derpy is still puzzling and awkward,” said Rarity.
“Don’t forget about Big Mac!” Applejack laughed, nudging Dash with an elbow.
“Okay, I have an entire tape collection that will just prove you all so wrong-”
“YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS!”
Spike burst through the doors, nearly tripping over his own feet. His breathing was heavy and was soaked with sweat.
“Well howdy-do, Spike!” Applejack waved. “What’s got you all excited?”
“It’s…it’s T-Twilight…she…” Spike said, struggling to catch his breath.
“Is she okay?” Dash asked quickly.
“Yeah, she’s f-fine. Though, I…I think she has-”
“The measles? The pony pox? A super fun mission for us to go on?” Pinkie asked bubbly.
“I THINK TWILIGHT HAS A DICK!” Spike shouted now that he had the breath to do it.
The room fell silent. Spike had completely forgotten to make sure no one else was inside; thankfully it was empty except for the regular gang.
“Ooh, ooh, this is where the happy music usually goes!” Pinkie broke the silence.
“Happy music, what?” asked Applejack. “Hold on, why am I asking about the music, Spike, what in the hay are you talking about?”
Spike climbed up and sat on a stool in the middle of the five ponies. “Okay, last night I woke up and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I figured Twilight would know a spell that could help me get back to sleep. When I tried to go wake her up, I saw…a big bulge underneath the sheets!”
“Big you say?” Dash smirked.
“Rainbow Dash, don’t be such a pervert!” Rarity chastised. “Spike, are you sure you saw…that and not just a wrinkle in the covers?”
Spike nodded feverishly. “Totally sure. It even felt kinda warm when I touched it!”
“You t-touched it?” Fluttershy snuck in.
“Just over the covers,” Spike said rather defensively.
“So you didn’t actually see Twilight’s other horn?” Pinkie asked with a giggle.
“Not in reality, but I saw it in my dream and then, at breakfast this morning, it was like everything looked like dicks; the sausage, the bananas, EVERYTHING!”
“Maybe you’ve just got your mind in the gutter, Spike,” Dash suggested. “I mean, like, 8% of colts have an issue of just drawing dicks all the time, maybe yours is that you just seem them everywhere.”
“Come on, Spike, do you really think ol’ Twilight has one? I reckon we would’ve seen it by now.” Applejack said.
“Yeah, Twilight isn’t a very good liar,” said Fluttershy. “I think she would’ve let it slip by now.”
“Not to mention the whole idea of it is quite outlandish!” Rarity added. “Perhaps you were just seeing things, Spike.”
Spike folded his arms and huffed out a tiny cloud of smoke in aggravation. “I know what I saw.”
“Well,” Dash began. “In Spike’s defense, have any of us seen her completely naked?”
Everyone paused, trying to remember if they actually had seen Twilight in the nude. Of course, most friends don’t see each other in their birthday suits, but they hadn’t even seen Twilight in her underwear. When they thought long and hard about it, she actually seemed to avoid those situations all together.
“Call me crazy for saying this, but I think Spike could be on to something!” Applejack admitted.
“You really think so?” Rarity asked. “It just seems a little preposterous, if you ask me.”
“But what if Twilight does have a big ol’ wang-doodle,” Pinkie said as she made imaginary measurements with her hands. “We’d have gone all this time without even getting a teensy-weensy glimpse of it!”
“Pinkie’s right!” an empowered Rainbow Dash said. “Only way we’ll know for sure if Twilight’s packing some heat is if we see it for ourselves!”
“How are we supposed to do that and is that even a good idea, what if she gets mad?” Fluttershy asked timidly.
“You know, we could just ask her. Real friends shouldn’t be afraid to hide anything from each other,” Applejack said.
“But that’s sooooo boring!” complained Dash. “Plus, you really think you can just waltz up to Twilight and say ‘hey, we heard you have a gigantic dick. Is that true?’ No freakin’ way. She didn’t even tell us that she had a brother for the longest time, Applejack!”
“I think I’d have to agree with Dash on this one,” Rarity added in. “I don’t want to make dear Twilight feel awkward or anything, especially on the chance that she actually does have one. The poor thing would die of embarrassment!”
“Maybe we could just get her in a situation where she has to take off her clothes…” Fluttershy suggested.
Rarity’s eyes lit up. “That is a fantastic idea, darling! We could invite her along with us to the spa and pay for the premium package! It’s been a while since we’ve had that done too,” She ended with a moan as she looked forward to her favorite spa treatment.
“How about this, we all do our own thing?” Rainbow Dash proposed. “Fluttershy and Rarity, you can take Twilight to the spa; Applejack, you can try that honesty thing; Pinkie…you just do you”
“Always do!”
“What’s your plan, Dash?” Applejack asked curiously.
“Me? I’m gonna prove you all wrong and show you that I can seduce somepony! You’ll be eating more than your words if Spike’s actually right too!” Dash boasted confidently.
“What about me? I’m the one who told you all about it; I wanna be included in some plans too!” Spike whined, not wanting to be completely left out of the fun.
“Of course you’ll be involved!” Dash swooped in towards the little dragon. “You’ll be the figurehead of everything. We’re gonna need you to help walk Twilight into our…traps,” the pegasus said with a snicker.
Spike let out a joyful squee, clutching his claws together in pure delight. A lot of times he felt like he was written out of the fun and he was still as curious as the rest of them!
“You can count on me, everypony!” Spike said with a salute. “I won’t let you down!”
“Time to find out if Twilight Sparkle really does have a penis!” Dash announced loudly.
“Okay, the happy music definitely should go here!” Pinkie squealed happily once more.
