Ponies on Earth: Incident Reports

Chapters

Report 1: Benefit Dinner
Report 2: Disneyland
Report 3: Las Vegas

Report 1: Benefit Dinner

“Are you completely sure that all of this is quite necessary?” asked the white one.

“It’s for your own safety, ma’am,” repeated Carl, idly scanning the crowd for any sign of unrest. The woman… no, mare… had asked the same question at least six times that evening. Being directly addressed by any group of clients was still somewhat new and uncomfortable, though this was one of the conditions they had placed.

“Can we go soon?” the blue one whined, “I’m exhausted and my wings need a workout.”

The Speaker of the House finally finished her speech, earning raucous applause from everyone gathered in the ball room. Carl delayed his answer as he scanned the crowd once more. Any burst of noise and movement created potential openings… though things seemed safe for the moment.

All vacant chairs accounted for. No concealed hands or pointing gestures. All entry points still closed and manned. Only one of Carl’s routine checks sent spikes of panic through his spine, though it had done so every thirty seconds for the past two months of Carl’s life. It was just something he would have to get used to… if he wanted to keep his job, at least.

“Well?” the blue one asked.

“This shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes,” Carl explained.

“You said that five minutes ago!” the blue one refuted.

Before Carl could respond, the orange one spoke up, “Don’t pay her no mind, Sugarcube. She’s just miffed that Ah beat her inside when we got there.”

Right… Carl could vividly remember that particular “race” and the series of near-heart attacks it caused. Even after months of working with these ponies, they still struck Carl as suicidally naïve. Hell, that sort of naiveté was precisely the sort of thing that got Aegis involved in the first place.

“But that’s enough about me, I’m certain” Joked the Speaker, finally wrapping up her post-speech banter, “I’d like to introduce you all to a very special speaker, our esteemed guest from another world, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria”

Aliens… all of the clients Carl was currently protecting… the special guest walking up the podium with a stack of papers piled on her back… aliens from another dimension. Carl had heard of first contact going down somewhere in Texas but until it became his business to care… was it odd that Carl had expected something more… humanoid?

“You go get them, Twilight!” encouraged the pink one, starting a wave of applause and cheering that spread across the room like wildlfire.

Carl took a moment to conduct his regular checks. Same large room. Same expensive chandeliers. Same main entrance, server entrance, and stage entrance. Same support crew lurking about as servers and ushers. Same momentary rush of panic. Same… wait…

“Everything safe in the neighborhood?” whined a small voice into Carl’s left ear.

“We lack eyes near table five. I see an elder gentleman seems to be sleeping... right through his thousand-dollar meal. Also, I will kill you if you use that joke again, Mike. Over.”

“You got it, Rogers. Over.”

Watching the crowd with what he considered to be “baseline vigilance”, Carl Rogers actually heard a small snippet of the purple one’s speech.

“…and to those members of the Avenbrook Church who think we come from ‘hell’, let me be the first to tell you that the cake in ‘hell’…” The princess paused for dramatic effect, “it’s worth it!”

Quite a few laughs emerged from the crowd, even if a small handful were awkward or polite. Carl, however, was not laughing. Carl was trying to scan the crowd and the purple one’s comment reminded him of why bodies were needed at every table… which raised his stress when he observed that table five was still unattended… which heightened the normal burst of fear each check created.

Carl instinctively wrapped his hand around the grip of the stun-gun but it simply wasn’t the same. No short or mid-range weapon could ever quite match the relief provided by lethal long-range ordinance… though the ponies would undoubtedly disagree.

Ever since these ponies returned to Earth, they had been sabotaging their own safety every step of the way. They refused to accept the protection of the FBI and secret service on the grounds that A) they didn’t want to be seen as the allies of a single nation and B) they didn’t want to be protected by something as lethal as guns. Heck, they seemed convinced that they didn’t need outside protection at all. They proved adamant on that point and even nonlethal rounds were staunchly vetoed.

With official government agencies out of the pictures, Aegis was the most respectable company in the industry willing to take on such high-profile targets with such a sizeable handicap. Sold to the ponies as “personal defense” instead of “counter-assassination”, the visitors reluctantly agreed to be helped… but only after placing one more restriction.

Carl Rogers was the professional bodyguard provided as part of the security detail. The bodyguard. While the ponies were all right with a security detail, they didn’t want someone hovering over them unless he or she was part of their “group”. Carl was the test run, an attempt to convince them to accept more help. If nothing else, Carl was pretty certain that the idea of being able to move independently was a pretty big draw for them.

Until then, however, Carl was one babysitter hired to work with six aliens, working what amounted to 16-hour shifts with no means of fending off ranged assailants. Unless someone walked up and tried to abduct or beat up a pony, Carl’s usefulness started and ended as an extra pair of eyes and one-use bullet sponge. With all of that in mind, Carl felt that some anxiety was justified when his team failed to react as instructed.

“Mike. Eyes on table five. Don’t make me repeat myself. Over”

“Don’t know what went wrong. I’m sending the message personally. Over”

“Ummm… Carl? Who are you talking to?” asked the yellow one, “and why did you say over? Twilight’s still speaking”

“Relax, Fluttershy,” the blue one yawned, “He’s probably using some human telepathy to talk to his friends. I see humans talking to themselves like that all the time.”

“Uhh… Ah don’t think humans do that, Dash. Ah’m think he’s usin’ that thingamajig in his ear.”

“Good observation, Applejack. I think that it might be based on radio-“

“Nuh-uh! it’s totally a walkie-talkie!” Interjected the pink one.

“As I was saying, I think that it might be based on radio-technology, though Pinkie may have guessed its purpose. I’m not sure about the ‘over’ business, however.”

“Oooh, oooh, let me guess. Is it the daylight? The meal? Our game of secret-tag? Wait, who was it? I didn’t even know that humans played secret-tag.”

Putting on his best smile, Carl looked back to the ponies and proceeded to lie his butt off, “Actually, while those are good guesses, I’m just taking some mental notes, girls. I was just remarking how Princess… Twilight’s… speech seems to be going over well with the crowd.”

Carl made a mental note to keep his voice down when coordinating the others. While the ponies’ understanding of human technology was limited, each relinquished secret seemed to make them harder and harder to protect.

With any luck, however, there wouldn’t be much of interest that night. While three assassination attempts had already been thwarted, they were so amateur that they had been foiled without the ponies realizing that anything had happened. The only reason that the dinner raised so many alarms was due to its close proximity with Avenbrook church, a church whose pastor recently declared “open season” on ponies. While it would be nice to think that security had done its job, Carl’s father had taught him at least one vital lesson.

Crazy always finds a way.

“Okay, figured out what was wrong,” spoke the tinny voice of Mike, “We might not have eyes at the table but I’m certain that we have a ghost. Do you need to take attendance again? Over.”

Groaning to himself, Carl reached for the iphone-sized device in his breast pocket, the device synchronized to his earphone and mouthpiece. Pressing the green button on top of the device gave him communications with Mike, the “infield coordinator”. The red button, meanwhile, was for an emergency broadcast that went out to the whole team… and to anyone else who had been trusted with the specific frequency.

In truth, there was a lot that ponies didn’t realize about their own security, half-truths, omissions, and occasional bold-faced lies required to keep them safe. For one, Aegis canvased far more ground than the immediate area around the ponies. Buildings, roads, and public sites were searched for trouble by the “outfield coordinator”. As her men would never meet the ponies, they had been supplied with actual guns to help take out snipers before our guests could arrive.

Tapping the red button, Carl whispered, “Attendence”

Almost two dozen donors in the audience, including a young woman sitting at table five, chose that very moment to scratch an ear. While the official job of guarding the ponies fell to Aegis, the FBI still thought to send a few agents (packed with normal weaponry) wherever the ponies went… as did MI6… and SVR… and intelligence agencies from every nation with some vested interest in keeping the ponies alive. While the precise numbers varied from day to day, Carl estimated that the Ponies were being protected by at least three hundred individuals at all times.

“…and if the bonds you share with your constituents are anywhere near as strong as those I see in this room,” the purple one called out, “I can all but promise that your nation’s future is in capable hands. Thank you, everybody”

With those final words, the audience broke into applause and the ponies were finally set to go home. Carl stretched his back as he ran another check of the room. While Carl was far too busy to give it much thought, he found a degree of irony in the royal endorsement of a presidential candidate. Darling of the world or not, that would probably come up in the debates. Then again, what did Carl really care? He wasn’t being paid to-

“sweet merciful hell…” Carl muttered, staring at the flying machine that had just emerged from the chandelier, ”DRONE!”

What floated in the air was not a sleek military death machine equipped to rain down judgment from the sky. It was a commercially available drone, haphazardly mounted with a pistol. Crazy had found its way into the dinner and no matter how odd and awkward the threat, Aegis had vowed to take the threat seriously.

In the five seconds after Carl’s shouted warning, six main events took place:
1. The crowd began to panic, the guests on stage (including the yellow one and white one) began their retreat, and every “ghost” in the audience reached for their weaponry.
2. Seeing where the drone was pointed, Carl ran up to the Princess and interposed himself. Unlike what you see on dramatized television, the optimal method of interposition is neither leaping in front of a bullet (which would require perfect timing) nor shoving your client out of the way (which would disorient the client and open them to further blows). Instead, this involved rotating to stand with your back between the gun and your target. If you are hit and fall forward, you can absorb several shots in this way and buy more time for reinforcements.
3. The pink one grabbed a banana cream pie from a nearby dessert cart and tossed it at the drone with pinpoint accuracy. Knocking it back a few feet even as the cream started gumming up the propellers.
4. Either an external command or the force of the pie triggered the gun to shoot at Carl’s spine.
5. A prismatic blur flew through the air and smashed the drone against the ceiling of the ballroom immediately afterwards.
6. A purple shell of “magic” leapt into existence, intercepting the incoming bullet with no real damage beyond a couple cracks to the shell.

When that display had concluded, the chaos in the room magnified even as the attitude in the room shifted. A good number of diners, including most of the “ghosts”, simply sat in shock or awe. A few people started applauding the ponies as if it had all been “part of the show”, applause that the blue one relished with a few mid-air bows. A few people were still caught up in the chaos, too busy to realize that the danger had passed.

Mike, however, had taken to the situation like a pro. While he sent a signal along the emergency network to reach the “outfield”, he still shouted in all of our eyes, “RANGE OF SIGHT IS LIMITED INDOORS AND THAT MEANS THE SAME FOR RANGE. AEGIS, SPLIT UP AND FIND THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MADNESS. ROGERS, EXTRACT THE CLIENTS AND RETURN TO KNOWN GROUND.”

By the time those orders were finished, all six ponies have their eyes on Carl. “Okay, mares, time to fall in and move out.”

“What?! Everything just got interesting!” the blue one lamented.

“Rainbow Dash…” the yellow one responded, “If Carl thinks it’s safer to head back, could we… maybe… try that… please?”

“Oh all right. Fine!” The blue one relented.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Carl stated, already pushing through the stage exit and into the serene and neatly-carpeted halls, “you can keep an eye on our tail; make sure we aren’t followed.”

The blue one seemed to approve of that idea, giving a military solute before moving to the back of the group.

“All right, ponies,” Carl spoke up, “While the threat in there was… different, we can’t be sure that there’s nothing else waiting. Whenever we reach a new intersection, let me check it out first. I’ll give you a signal if it’s safe to go ahead.”

“As you say, Sir,” the white one acknowledged, smiling, “you are the resident expert, after all.”

Progress through the halls was slow and steady, maneuvering to the lobby just as the first guests were being released and the night staff was arriving. The cops had apparently been contacted as well and two were busy speaking with a receptionist at the front desk.

In the relative safety of the lobby, the ponies discussed amongst themselves as Carl debriefed an infield agent on the emptiness of the pass he had taken. Even reports of emptiness can help to shorten a search, after all. In the brief time taken to give the “all clear”, however, the ponies had managed to find new trouble of their own.

*Smash* “Ow! The hell?! What do you think that you’re doing?”

Turning to the sound of the noise, it appeared that the orange one had lassoed one leg of a janitor, tripped him, and was slowly dragging him back. The janitor was a young one, still in his early twenties. A single trash bag was held in his extended hand.
“What’s going on?” Carl asked, fighting to keep frustration from his voice as he urgently glanced between the ponies, the janitor, and the carrier van waiting just outside.

“Oh, I was going to tell you,” announced the white one, “I do believe that I identified our assailant. Not as imposing as those we see back home, mind you, but equally deserving of proper punishment, I would venture.”

“How… just how?”

“Oh… right. *Achem* I recognized this young human as having worked as one of the servers back in the dining hall. While he didn’t serve any of us personally, I had noticed that his uniform was made of inferior material compared with the other uniforms. While I suppose that could be a coincidence, I also noticed that this uniform is size or two large for him. Plus, he’s the only janitor who isn’t wearing a nametag.”

A violet glow surrounded the trash bag, causing it to lift into the air and rip out of its owner’s hand, “Wait… no. You’re just going to make a new mess and…”

A server’s uniform spilled right out of the bag as it was turned upside down. On top of the clothes tumbled a plastic controller.

The janitor and Carl exchanged a long look as the bodyguard reached for his weapon. As he moved to draw it, however, a pink hoof pressed down on his hand. The pink pony, looking up with the calmest smile he’d seen from her, gently shook her head, “We got this one covered, Carl. Fluttershy, you’re up!”

The following five minutes were something of a breaking point for Carl. After spending two months with a group of ponies that seemed dead-set on getting themselves assassinated, the first credible threat against them slowly unraveled without a single hint of outside assistance. It felt like a Saturday morning cartoon. When the yellow- when Fluttershy’s words reduced her would-be murderer to tears, Carl didn’t even question it.

After receiving a heartfelt apology and turning the criminal over to the police, Carl lead the ponies out of the building and into the relative security of the van. Thankfully, the trip home managed to pass without particular incident… unless you counted two dozen variations of the question “How awesome was I?” as a real ‘incident.

At the moment, the ponies were currently being housed in a modest hotel across town. It was the sort of thing for travel on a budget, though many of its features made it ideal for storing valuable persons. Smaller hotels and those in riskier neighborhoods tended to carry features like barred windows or combinations of key cards and actual locks. The narrow halls and lack of alternate pathways made guarding the halls a breeze. Finally, buying out and guarding every room above, below, and next to those of important entities was made surprisingly cost-efficient.

Escorting the ponies to their room (the six of them had asked to stick together until they were used to Earth), Carl gave a small bow. “It was a pleasure as always, girls. We start at 8 AM tomorrow so Rainbow Dash can sleep in a little if she needs to.”

“I wouldn’t call that ‘sleeping in’” Rainbow Dash commented, “though I guess it’s a s- wait a minute… You just called me Rainbow Dash!”

“Yes,” Carl confirmed, “it’s your name.”

“But… you never use our names,” Dash blurted, “At least not unless you’re really mad,”

“Or worried,” Fluttershy commented.

“Or lyin’” Applejack deadpanned.

“Huh,” Carl spent a moment or two in thought, “I guess… Look, I can’t say that I’m one of your fans but I know that there’s a cartoon based on your world… or that made your world… or something. Calling you something like ‘Pinkie Pie’ or ‘Fluttershy’ made you kind of feel less real… not exactly the healthiest thing for your bodyguard to be feeling”

“What changed, then” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Tonight happened,” Carl responded, “After all that happened tonight… I’m not sure that being real makes you any less of a cartoon. I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right.”

“As long as you’re not calling me lame,” Rainbow Dash countered, stifling a yawn, “I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“Fer whatever it’s worth, Sugarcube, Ah reckon we owe you a great deal of thanks fer your actions as well. You were the one who first spotted the danger to start with, right?”

“Yeah,” Pinkie Pie added, “and then you went *stomp*stomp*stomp*-SWOOP right in front of Twilight like some giant shield.”

“Even if it wasn’t necessary in the end,” Rarity finished, “It’s nice to know that some humans have our best interests at heart.”

Carl opened his mouth to speak, though the words refused to come out. At long last, he managed a chuckle as a rare smile touched the corners of his mouth, “Thanks. Goodnight, girls.”

Closing their door, Carl took a deep breath. A group of genuine national heroes, ponies who had supposedly saved an entire world on multiple occasions, had given him some praise. While the job ahead of him was still unspeakably difficult and unusual, Carl could imagine for the very first time that it might be something that he could get used to… eventually.

For now, however, it was time to get yelled at and fill out some paperwork.

At long last, some normalcy.

Author's Note

Just a little something that I wrote up in one day on a lark. I'll admit that the precise work and operating procedures of a body guard and security team are not things that I am privy to (and that I kind of fear looking up in case I get placed on some sort of list), so feel free to correct any of my gross inaccuracies so that I can more closely reflect reality moving forward (you know, for a given value of "reality" containing ponies).

I'm not certain if I plan on expanding this or not, but I can say that it was pretty fun to write.

Report 2: Disneyland

In 95% of personal defense contracts, the client and business engage in a simple give-and-take. Beyond the material cost of services, the client trades a certain degree of freedom for protection and peace-of-mind. Even if a client may bristle under some of these restrictions, anyone looking for a bodyguard probably values their lives enough to cooperate.

The most dangerous contracts, however, are the final 5%: Contracts formed on behalf of others. Children and teenage clients (especially teenagers) easily tire of safety protocol, especially when protocol wastes time or calls attention to themselves. Thankfully, due diligence is often enough to keep children from escaping a secured perimeter.

Ponies with access to flight and magic, however… that was still a “work in progress”.

“I thought that we agreed on only one guard,” the “Princess of Friendship” complained.

“You also agreed to stay together,” Mike recalled, staring daggers at Carl, “and look how well that turned out.”

Neither Carl nor any of the remaining ponies had any response to that, though a timid male voice from the crowd did decide to pipe up, “If… uh… if you’ll follow me right this way, I’ll be glad to lead you right into tomorrow land, where the future is… uh… already here.”

The group walking through The Happiest Place on Earth was perhaps the oddest and most awkward that the park had ever known in over 60 years of operation. A white unicorn, a purple alicorn princess, a yellow Pegasus, and a orange “cowgirl” pony were slowly making their way across the park, looking infinitely more at home there than the nine humans walking with them.

Six of those humans, dressed in black suits and sunglasses, maintained a safe perimeter around the group. When the request to stop here had first been granted, it was on the condition that six (visible) guards follow them at all times.

As it turned out, that particular concession was far less about safety than practicality. At that very minute, three of them were busy turning away small children who wanted to pet or ride the ponies, a scene that had played out and repeated ad nauseam for the past two hours or so.

The seventh individual was an overworked gorilla of a bodyguard named Carl Rogers, a seven-foot tall behemoth whose façade of unflappable calm was slowly cracking under Mike’s scrutiny. Dull brown eyes scanned the crowd over the heads of most patrons as a giant hand scratched through sweat-slicked black hair.

The eighth human was a slight, mousy man names James Wright, the “Master of Hospitality” for the entire park and the man who took time to lead tours whenever large moguls, foreign leaders, and similar people of importance came to visit. Clearly, none of those tours had ever started with an explanation of who “Disney” and “Mickey Mouse” were.

Finally, there was Mike Rosenthal, a short and squat individual with a thinning head of brown hair. Mike did his best to keep Carl’s blind spots covered, muttering what sounded like an endless stream of angry grumbles. To the woman he spoke to, however, his words were incredibly clear.

“Kelly… why am I not hearing any updates? Over.”

“None to give,” responded the outfield coordinator, “We’ve spread the word, we’re coordinating with Disney security and we’ve got eyes on the cameras. Workers at each exit know to examine any large bags, containers, and stuffed animals. I can’t tell you where they’ve gone, just that they’re still in the park. Over”

“Figure it out,” Mike grumbled, “Soon! Over and out” Mike sometimes described himself as a man with plenty of “New York Patience”. Alas, zero times a million still amounted to zero.

A refined voice caught Mike’s attention, bringing him back to the group he was traveling with, “Ummm… Pardon me Mister… Michael, was it?”

“Is something wrong, Rarity?” Mike asked, his question both professional and curt. Mike wasn’t the one they paid to deal with clients directly, though he could handle respectful civilians… at least in small doses.

“While I appreciate learning about human entertainment… and while the aesthetics of park are simply extravagant… I couldn’t help but wonder…”

“We’re wonderin’ if there’s any rides nearby,” Applejack interrupted, earning a look of annoyance from Rarity.

“Something fun” added Twilight Sparkle.

“And *gulp* fast” squeaked Fluttershy.

“How about Space Mountain?” asked James. When the ponied turned to face him, James continued, “It’s a high-speed flight through the starlit reaches of outer space!”

The ponies looked amongst themselves for a moment or two, exchanging only a series of knowing gazes and small nods before Twilight spoke up once more, “Yeah, that sounds perfect. Could we head over there, Mike?”

“Sure… why not?” Mike relented.

Mike didn’t notice the determined looks on the faces of the ponies… or listen to or the conversation going on between them and their bodyguard… or recognize the confused looks that the other guards were giving him. There was a lot that Mike was missing, deep in thought as he was.

Since the dawn of warfare itself, there had always been a risks involved with sending tacticians into the thick of battle. When someone was accustomed to watching the field with a broader view, they’d often waste energy recreating that view from the front lines. Even as he ran routine security checks, Mike sacrificed alertness to think over what might’ve gone wrong, to plan out his next moves, and, above all, to ask himself what part of that mess he hated the most.

There was the fact that these ponies had made a fool of Aegis. That was one obvious facet to hate, especially after what happened at the benefit dinner. If these ponies were anyone else, Aegis would have retracted its protection over breach of contract. With such high-priority clients, however, cutting off the contract would likely cost him his job… not to mention the others assigned to the project.

There was also the fact that they shouldn’t have even been there at all. If everyone had followed the itinerary, they’d have already been on the road. Instead, however, someone had let slip to the Element of Laughter that “the happiest place on earth” was sitting down in Anaheim and she had begged, literally begged, nonstop, for forty-eight hours. One brief moment of compassion later… this.

In the end, though, what Mike really hated was that he should have seen it all coming. Unlike Carl and Kelley, who had just seen a “greatest hits” video, Mike had taken the time to watch the entirety of the saccharine mess that was their cartoon. He knew that those two were prone to risk-seeking behavior and over-stimulation. If he had thought things through, Mike was certain that he’d never-“

“All right. We’re done here. Any other rides?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“What?” Mike barked, snapping to attention, “There’s no way that you’ve completed that ride. Heck, we just got here ten seconds ago and… why are all of you looking at me like that?”

The ponies exchanged confused glances, this time including both Carl and James in whatever little hivemind they had started.

“If I may be Frank,” Rarity began, “I find your insinuation that we’d busy ourselves with rides while a friend is clearly distressed to be quite insulting,”

“So… now you’re concerned?”

“Of course we are,” Fluttershy softly asserted, “poor Carl here has been stepping on eggshells ever since you joined us.”

For one brief moment, hearing their reasoning drowned out everything in Mike’s head. The constant stream of profanity that passed for his train of thought skidded to a halt as safety, tactics, and logistics flew out the window. It was all that he could do to look up at Carl, arching an eyebrow as he asked, “Just… Carl? This Carl? Not your missing friends?”

“Ah dunno what you’ve heard ‘bout us, Mister,” Applejack spoke up, “but Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie can take care of themselves. If findin’ them will help calm you down, though, that’s what we aim to do.”

For reasons that Mike could only guess at, his mind rebelled against the idea of these particular clients actually helping out. Maybe he had already made peace with the idea of the group slowly killing him with ulcers. Maybe he had too much pride to accept help from the very ponies that he was supposed to be helping. Maybe, just maybe, he was afraid that those infernal ponies would show him up when he was trying to run the show.

Of course, he didn’t say any of that.

“Look… I don’t think all you understand precisely how impossible your friend’s disappearance truly is. Disneyland is a crowning masterpiece of crowd control. Everything from the flow of the streets to the placement of lamp posts was designed to constrain how you travel. Heck, they control what direction you travel around fountains. Hiding places are pointedly low, half of the surveillance is hidden from sight, and brightly colored ponies would be attracting attention pretty much anywhere in this park. Disney has hired experts to try walking through their park unseen and fewer than 2% succeed. If a pony managed to beat those odds, do you really think you can find her?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Twilight challenged, meeting Mike’s gaze without flinching.

Mike silently fumed, shifting his gaze from the ponies to Carl to the agents and pack to the ponies, “If that’s how you want to spend you’re day…” he looked at James and held out one hand to accept something, “…a map, if you please.”

“Oh… right, of course,” James muttered, reaching into his vest and taking out two maps, “Here’s one for the park next door as well. If one of your friends can fly, she might’ve hopped parks without even realizing.”

Spreading the maps on the ground, Mike took a step back as the ponies looked it over, “Be on the ready, Infield,” whispered Mike into his mouthpiece, “we may have some locations to search in greater depth… over”

“Well, let’s give this a good looksee and… huh, Pirate Cove, huh. Have ya’ll tried looking out there yet? Sounds like it’s right up Dash’s alley.”

“Speaking of Pirates, I’m seeing another attraction with pirates over here. Either that or one of these other “mountain” rides. How many mountains mountain rides do humans really need, anyway?”

“Ugh. Pirates, honestly? After that fiasco with Hoofbeard? I’m not certain where she’d go but Pinkie… that mare has always been attracted to music… are there any stages in the park?”

“Maybe Pinkie is riding the teacups… it seems a little unusual… you know… because they’re not supposed to be so… big.”

“Roger Rabbit and Indiana Jones,” Carl guessed with a shrug, not even bothering to look down as he continued scanning the crowd.

“Um… What are-“

“Those are my best guesses. Trust me, they fit.”

When the group was finished, listing ideas and theories seventeen locations had been singled out as the most probable spots in the park for the two missing ponies to go missing. Not content to simply wait for the search results, the ponies insisted on joining in the search and James’ influence allowed “backstage” access to a number of rides and attractions.

In the end, though, the two missing ponies remained elusive. Mike was too tired to feel properly angry, however, having been forced to run back and forth across the park just to keep up with the cantering equines. Thankfully, Mike was far from the only human who was short of breath.

“…I don’t get it,” Twilight mused, pacing back and forth as the rest of the group rested, “We searched every spot in the park where they would go. Unless they’re avoiding us or are searching for us in the same way…”

Rarity, busy resting on a nearby bench, turned to face James, “Is this really the entire park? There aren’t any hidden rides they could sneak on, right?”

James tilted his head in thought, “Technically, there are tons of hidden areas in the park. Medical centers, cafeterias, a jail, a bank, personnel tunnels… The bright streets around you basically hide a small town. There’s no rides or attractions back there, though. Nothing to draw attention.”

The group thought on that for a couple of moments until Applejack spoke up, “Wait just an apple-bucking moment… are you saying that yer tunnels and the like are off-limits? …that ya’ll got a maze of secret passages to explore or somethin’?”

This time, even Mike was able to join their little pony hivemind. Even if he hadn’t come up with the idea, he couldn’t deny that it was… nice… to be on the same page.’

“Kelly…” He muttered, “Is it possible that our missing ponies have gone backstage? Over.”

“…I’ll admit that there are fewer cameras there,” responded Kelly, “and that checking them wasn’t our first priority. Now that we’ve got eyes in place, though… If they’re hiding in a blind spot, they haven’t moved in hours. Over.”

Mike frowned at this news as he turned to the ponies, “If your friends are hiding back there, the two of them have been stationary. From what I know, that doesn’t match their normal MO...”

“…Unless they really are in trouble,” Fluttershy finished, shuddering at the very thought drawing concerned gazes from the others.

“It’s completely possible that they’re not back there,” Carl reassured, stooping down to face Fluttershy, “but I might feel more comfortable if we checked it out. How about you girls?”

Remarkably, the consolation of the giant ape seemed to calm the timid one down, an observation that Mike squirreled away for later.

“Okay then,” Mike grunted, turning to James, “Please lead the way”

As it turned out, the group wasn’t far from the nearest entrance to the tunnels, though that was probably the case nearly anywhere in the park. The tunnels, while sufficiently lit, were about as interesting as James had described. As they walked on, Mike motioned for Carl to join him near the back of the group.

“What was that?” Mike whispered.

“What was what?” Carl asked, not looking down Mike.

“Don’t play dumb. When did you get so buddy-buddy with the clients?”

“Daily sixteen hour shifts will do that,” came Carl’s simple response. There was more to it than that. Mike could feel it deep in his bones.

“Just make sure not to compromise your effectiveness. You wouldn’t want a repeat of-“

“Don’t! I’m maintain “baseline vigilance” when I talk. You, however, missed a conversation about searching through the park that was going on two feet away.”

Mike bit back a vicious retort, grudgingly admitting (at least to himself) that he had missed task-relevant info. Giving a simple grunt, Mike moved ahead to join James as Carl rejoined the ponies.
After winding through the park to a few particular destinations of interest, including a small cinema and the gigantic Company D, the group started searching through tunnels methodically as other cast members and agents joined in.

At long last, however, one of the ponies claimed that they heard something, running and galloping towards whatever they had heard, the hoarse voice of Rainbow Dash called out, “heee-eeeelp”. The voice appeared to be coming from…

“Costumes?” James asked, utterly bewildered.

Turning the final corner, the group beheld a site that would stay with them for years. Amidst the racks of costumes, two of the giant heads had fallen to the floor. A poofy pink tail was emerging from the head of Minnie Mouse even as another cry for help echoed from a Stitch head. Turning the heads over, Applejack and Fluttershy revealed the sleeping form of Pinkie Pie and the scrunched up form of Rainbow Dash.

“Uh… hey girls,” Rainbow Dash started, her voice either delirious or trying to sound casual, “I don’t supposes any of you have any *gulp* water on hoof, do ya?”

“Found them,” Mike announced to his agents, allowing himself a small grin, “Over and out.”

The rest of the day, all things considered, went pretty well. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were extracted from the heads (which they had entered on bets from one another) and had been rushed to the nearest medical center to be treated for minor heat stroke and dehydration (both of which were common afflictions among the main cast). As fireworks went off in the nighttime sky overhead, everypony sat by the beds of their friends as they sipped some sports drink filled with electrolytes.

When the time came to leave, the ponies had yet to board a single ride or attend a single attraction. In Mike’s humble opinion, the day was a total waste of everyone’s time. Even so, the ponies didn’t seem to disappointed when they boarded the van. If anything, they seemed happy.

“I’m sorry that you couldn’t enjoy your day at the park,” Mike probed, carefully gauging the responses of the equines. The statement, it seemed, had caught them completely off-guard.

“Aw shoot, Sugarcube, Ah’m glad you’d worry ‘bout us havin’ fun, though Ah think we had one rip-roarin’ adventure of our own.”

“I’ll say we did,” insisted the Princess, “Everypony’s been to an amusement park or two but how many can say that they’ve gone behind the scenes?”

“I was honestly looking forward to pon- people-watching” Fluttershy corrected herself, “and I got to see so many happy human children.”

“Sooo… you’re not disappointed?”

“I wouldn’t say so,” Rarity shrugged, looking out the far window, “While a day at the park might’ve been nice, it honestly looks like a knock-off of Whinny World… if you don’t mind me saying.”

Rainbow Dash, resting in the back with Pinkie Pie, lazily opened one eye and shifted her head to face Mike, “Was cool while it lasted,” she simply stated, a motion seconded by the small smile on the sleeping face of her friend.

“Huh,” remarked Mike, “Have a… good evening, then,”

Closing the door, Mike turned around to face a confused Carl, “Your sweater-loving butt is riding up front with me, Rogers. We have something to talk about.”

Carl watched, more than a little befuddled, as the assigned driver was instructed to join the ponies in back and Mike took her spot. In the end, however, he climbed into the passenger seat.

“So… you’re in the mood to crack jokes again, huh? Nice to have the jolly Mike back, I guess.”

Huh… Jolly? Was Mike ever really jolly? He was certainly pleased that the problem had been resolved… he even felt relaxed and back in command… speaking of which… “Bravo and Echo teams, fall into escort formation. Mike the Jolly says that we’re heading out. Over.”

Mike started the car, driving out of Disneyland and onto the streets of Anaheim in silence.

“What did you want to talk about, Mike?” Carl finally asked.

“I just wanted to tell you what I learned from this whole fiasco, what I would have missed if I had watched from afar as always.”

“So… what, you finally realized that those ponies can help us if we actually work together? I mean, between the fundraiser and today…”

“What, are you crazy?” Mike exclaimed, “That’s what you got from this whole mess? The blue and pink ponies were a bit messed up, granted, but they were hardly in critical condition. Our organized search would have found them in time, whether or not the pony brigade joined in.”

“…so what did you observe?”

“After watching how you interacted with those ponies,” Mike started, “I think that I have a new assignment for you. I would… I would like you to befriend those ponies, to become their best ‘human buddy’ and show them how ‘nice’ and ‘pleasant’ we can be.”

Carl froze for several seconds, staring at Mike as though he had grown a second head, “…Are you being serious? I honestly can’t tell, this time.”

“Of course I’m serious,” Mike retorted, “My hands are going to be pretty full for the next two months… minus a day, now… handling the logistics and security required to get us through their stupid itinerary and to the UN on time.

“Today, I noticed that you seem to get these ponies. They listen to you… they respond to your encouragement…” the smile on Mikes face took a sinister turn, “…and most importantly, they appear to care about your well-being and peace of mind…”

“…welcome to Operation Whipping-Boy”

Author's Note

And just like that... the skeleton of the plot was established. Kind of.
And a new character has been established as a foil of sorts for Carl. Kind of.

So yeah, the mane six are set to start their journey from California to New York, picking up whatever human culture they can and acting as honorary diplomats of the Equestrians as the agents of a professional defense agency attempts to prevent, mitigate, and resolve disasters of all sorts. Kind of.

That's a lot of kind of... what can I say for sure...
1. This will be the last time (at least for a while) that the ponies kind of take a back seat to the introduction of a new character.
2. As I have not taken road trips across America, any recommendations in the comments on big sites where they might stop are welcomed.
3. Writing up these chapters is surprisingly not mind-killing so far, just requiring a full day of work or so. This will probably continue on.

also, I'll just leave you THIS if that final line is causing you any confusion.

Report 3: Las Vegas

Author's Note

Okay, finally ready with... wait, what are you doing here, Carl? No, Carl! I promised the nice people that the ponies would shine this time. Stop that, Carl! You'll make me look like a liar and everyone will... fine. Well folks, this chapter escaped my original intentions.

Seriously though, ended up feeling that one more chapter was necessary before getting into anything more formulaic. I probably could have split this concept into multiple chapters but honestly... the point of this chapter was to finally help establish some level of understanding between the Ponies and the humans so the entire story doesn't have to be about "Ponies doing stupid things".

Report 3: Las Vegas

While overlooked in most protection contracts, establishing a PoI (Point of Intervention) is one of the most vital elements in ensuring client peace-of-mind. While the drawing of weaponry was the industry’s “default”, this point differed from contract to contract. Jumpier clients might request help when someone rose their voice or voiced a threat. Riskier business deals with aggressive individuals, meanwhile, might be ruined if a bodyguard leapt into action the moment a blade was drawn.

When asked to double up as chaperones (a common situation with children and foreigners), establishing PoI was twice as vital. A good “chaperone”, after all, might be expected to keep their charge from making fools of themselves or breaking laws… understandably difficult if you didn’t know what to expect. If no PoI is specified, one could only hope that a bodyguard could read his or her charge(s).

Carl’s eye twitched, a facial tick that had gradually formed over the past 48 hours.

“THIS TRIP IS OVER!” shouted a delirious Fluttershy, “TAKE US BACK TO THE COAST THIS INSTANT!” Yellow wings were spread in what would have been a menacing display of dominance… if she hadn’t been soaked to the bone. Even at the brink of madness, soaked ponies were far more adorable than threatening.

A half dozen agents scattered through the room watched in silence as Carl sighed and grabbed his stun gun. Slowly approaching the irate pegasus, Carl couldn’t help but wonder when he had missed his opening.

Two Days Before Incident

“Are you sure that I can’t talk you out of this?” Carl asked, trying one last time.

“If we’re trying to learn about human culture, that means the good and the bad,” Twilight insisted. The two of them were sitting in the common area of the ponies’ home for the night, talking softly to avoid waking anypony in the neighboring bedroom. For better or worse, Twilight had played a part in developing the travel itinerary. Armed with what little information she had scrounged independently, her few specific requests stood to make things quite difficult.

“What about the nut who tried to kill you with a drone? Was that not ‘bad’ enough for you?” While bringing up past incidents with a client is always considered bad form, Mike had all but ordered Carl to change their mind.

“…Is that it, then?” Twilight asked, “Is everyone in this world either an upstanding citizen or a murderous monster? Is that how things work around here?”

“Well, that’s how I’ve heard things work in…” Carl slammed his mouth, cutting of his words. He hadn’t intended to say even that much out loud, though it was too late to take it back now.

Twilight’s telekinetic scribing of notes from the day into her small notebook (the third notebook that week) slowed and halted as Twilight stared at Carl in shock.

“THAT!” Twilight exclaimed, pointing one hoof up at Carl, “That right there is precisely the problem. You keep assuming that your cartoons showed you everything. They didn’t! Ponies can be more than heroes, workers, jerks, and villains. We have our own vices and neuroses. We have private fantasies and daydreams. By Celestia, ponies have problems!”

Twilight looked down at the table before her, slowly catching her breath, ”I don’t know why you humans keep insisting on ignoring our problems and hiding your own but I know that it can’t be healthy in the long run. All that we want is a chance to prove ourselves, to show that we can handle whatever you’ve been hiding. Is that too much to ask?”

Truth be told, Carl was never a man for philosophies or abstract ideologies. Like any good agent, he listened to his orders and, in their absence, pursued general directives. “Doing the right thing” and “listening to his gut” rarely entered into the equation… though Mike had told him to be a friend.

“…”

“Tell me this, at least,” Twilight entreated, “How bad are the people city be in that city, really? Would the people there try to hurt us? Would they make it harder for you to do your job? Is there any logical reason for you to hide the town from us?”

While the town in question had a far from stellar crime record, Carl knew that the odds of a mugging plummeted with proper security and planning. Plus, most of the visit would be spent in buildings with excellent, if surreptitious, security. There were several other answers that Carl could have given, of course, but none seemed to come to mind as he stared into his client’s puppy-dog eyes… or at least none that he was willing to share.

“Despite the noise… and heavy foot traffic… I do not imagine that it would worse than Disneyland. If anything, protecting you from external threats may prove easier.”

“Then what are you afraid of?”

…Try though he might, Carl couldn’t think of any way to tell the Princess that she and her friends had a habit of displaying the attention spans and self-control of five-year-olds… at least without compromising his ongoing efforts to befriend her.

“Get some rest,” Carl advised, standing up from the table as he suppressed a yawn, “We’re heading off first thing in the morning, Princess Twilight.”

Carl walked over to the front door, already regretting every step taken in that conversation, when a small voice behind him spoke up, “Thanks.”

“If you want to thank me,” Carl started, “please ask your friends to stay on their best behavior. While Aegis is limited in what it can do to you if you keep acting out… they can still punish me the moment I allow you girls to pull off another ‘Disneyland’.”

With those last words, Carl walked outside and closed the door. While he couldn’t be certain, Carl thought that exit was precisely what Mike had in mind: One part honest fear, one part acting, and a whopping eight parts guilt trip. With luck, the girls would take those words to heart.

No… that wasn’t the proper time to act. Carl never could have foreseen what was going to happen. Nobody (and nopony) would have expected that. Even if he had known, trying to send any warning at that point would have made him look like a madman.

The proper Point of Intervention definitely came later… though he had a difficult time putting his finger on the exact moment…

14 Hours Before Incident

Arriving in Los Vegas had taken a grueling 8-hour ride, just a small taste of the journey still ahead. Everypony had been allowed to bring a book (or five magazines… or three coloring books) in the van, though concentrating on anything for that long seemed to bore most of the ponies. Once the hills and ridges of the early road gave way to flat expanses, Carl felt for the first time in weeks that his vigilance was somewhat redundant. Any ambush on the road, after all, would have likely involved cars ahead of the van, nothing he could see from his spot in the back. Exercising in a crowded vehicle would have been difficult and his current “weapon” required far less maintenance than a proper gun, removing his other go-to choices of productive activities.

With very few options available to him, Carl had started talking with the ponies, learning about them and their world and their views on the human world. It was the longest that Carl had talked to them and while there were quite a few frivolous topics, Carl certainly learned enough to shift his preconceived notions… a bit.

In the past, Carl had viewed Equestria as some inhuman paradise with an occasional monster. Now, Equestria seemed like just another Earth… if its history had been reenacted with stuffed animals by a ten-year-old girl in suburbia… who thought she was being “edgy”. There were wars… but only in the great past. There were battles… but never massacres. Ponies had illnesses… but they had never suffered a pandemic. While the occasional looming apocalypse admittedly offset a few things, most drama found in the human world was watered down in Equestria.

All of this news certainly explained why historical records and museums of Earth were set to be revealed at a carefully monitored pace, though Carl knew that it had far deeper implications for Aegis. These ponies weren’t simply innocent “civilians” in need of protection.
Instead, they were the worst nightmare of any defense agency: the previously hypothetical hybrid of a naïve optimist with ADHD and a grizzled war hero… who could teleport, fly, or run very fast.

Factoring in the “war hero” factor, many of Carl’s previous assumptions had to be revisited. He’d have to observe and learn how they operated as a unit, exploit any (formal or informal) chains of command, and rebalance his Point of Intervention for each pony. That last task in particular, vital as it was to minimizing incidents, became Carl’s personal goal for their stay in Vegas.

Soon, that task would be complete. The four hours after arriving at the Luxor had been quite informative, after all. In a bid to control the situation and minimize chaos, Carl had asked each pony to name one thing that they wanted to do while in town, listing a number of safer options to serve as examples of attractions and activities.

This… had been met with mixed results.

Rainbow Dash, perhaps surprisingly, asked if she and the girls could have some “bits” so they could do a bit of gambling. After making a quick call to his direct supervisor, Carl was assured that betting and gambling did exist in Equestria and was permitted to extend them a small amount of currency for that purpose.

The time in the casino was… brief. Half of the group blew their earnings on the slots (including Applejack, who hadn’t even realized until later that she was ahead for a time since coins failed to tumble out) while the others waited for their chance at the card table. Carl still wasn’t sure which had happened first, Rainbow Dash’s tantrum over the ‘obviously rigged’ game or the gentle accusation by management that Twilight was counting cards and suggestion that it was best to leave the casino… immediately.

What Carl did know, however, was that he made the conscious choice to hold himself back when Rainbow Dash lost her temper. He was starting to understand that she was more bluster than fight… at least until her opponent escalated the conflict. For Rainbow Dash, blowing up like that wasn’t an “incident” needing a fix. It was simply how she got the anger out of her system.

Point of Intervention For Rainbow Dash (Most Recent): A) Threatened opponent escalates conflict. B) Dangerous/Illegal dare or challenge is offered. C) Display of weaponry. D) ECS

Pinkie’s display was more benign on the surface, though it still caused her bodyguard a good deal of stress. As the only pony who had made a “fair” profit at cards, she asked for permission to explore through the shopping centers and buy some sweets… a request that ended up raising the blood sugar of everybody involved (including a couple of plainclothes infield agents Pinkie somehow picked out from the crowd). Her culinary tour ended at M&M’s World.

When Carl noticed Pinkie Pie’s hyperactivity, he once again tried keeping his distance… which might’ve been a mistake. While she handled the energy far better than humans would, more sweets caused her condition to deteriorate until… well, she nearly caused some pretty hefty property damage. All in all, it was too close of a call for Carl’s comfort.

Point of Intervention For Pinkamena Diane Pie (Most Recent): A) sudden twitches or spasms of the body, face, mane, and/or tail not noted in Appendix A, B) Attempted or actual consumption of sweets in excess of 5 lbs in under the space of one hour. C) Insults or threats. D) ECS

Applejack’s humble request was simple and straightforward… making it a nightmare to dance around. Applejack wanted to try the human version of her namesake beverage. Not in the middle of the day. Not a huge amount. Just enough to compare the taste and strength.

Carl wrestled with that request more than any other. Alcohol apparently existed in Equestria in one form or another and the request had sounded very reasonable. At the same time, however, taking the whole group out to a bar (or worse, a club) seemed like a recipe for disaster. After another quick phone call, a compromise was set up. After everypony returned to their suite for the evening, Applejack and Carl could go out and look for a bar with the drink she was after. Just the two of them and a couple of agents for back-up.

Point of Intervention For Applejack (Most Recent): A) Consumption of any amount of alcohol. B) Insults (esp. concerning dishonesty) or display of weaponry. C) ECS.

Rarity and Twilight Sparkle were the only two ponies who decided to work together, choosing two options that both of them expected to enjoy. Their first request was for a simple tour around town, the safest and easiest request so far. All that it requires was paying a tour bus company to lend one of its drivers to act as a guide. The guided tour through Las Vegas was relatively simple and relaxing, though Rarity seemed to be having the time of her life.

While most parts of Los Vegas are a far cry from “High Society”, Rarity had been owning every aspect of her stay in Los Vegas: chatting up tourists in the casino, using Pinkie’s candy run for a bit of window shopping, delighting in every new style and outfit that passed her way… it went on and on. Coming from a clothes-optional world, it seemed that even the faux-style donned by card dealers, performers on break, and Elvis impersonators seemed to fill her with some form of glee. The way she responded to miniature caricatures of famous structures, you would think that she was seeing the real thing. Thankfully, her brand of over-excitement wasn’t the sort needing any form of Intervention

Point of Intervention For Rarity (Most Recent): A) In presence of known celebrity. B) Insults or threats. C) ECS.

The second event they requested was to attend a magic show that evening. Rarity was eager to attend one of the lavish Vegas shows and Twilight displayed particular curiosity towards seeing how humans traditionally thought of magic. Considering some of the other shows that the ponies could have asked for, Carl couldn’t help but feel that he’d dodged a bullet with that one.

Point of Intervention For Princess Twilight Sparkle (Most Recent): SPECIAL. See Appendix B for proper protocol.

After those four hours of stress and near-misses, there was only enough time for one more event before grabbing some dinner and catching the show. Thankfully, Fluttershy had volunteered to go last. Just as Carl had hoped, her choice of venue was less than stressful.

She asked if there were any animals hidden away in the streets or hotels that she could visit, a request that quickly led the group to the Aquarium at Mandalay Bay.

As soon as entry fees had been covered (and the area had gone through a preliminary sweep), the ponies walked in with a series of “oohs” and “ahs”. Given the security measures already present within the facility, Carl expanded his “safe perimeter” to let the ponies explore the immediate area.

Rarity walked off and started observing the more elegant and brightly colored specimens while Rainbow Dash, prevented from running ahead and watching the sharks, watched as some of the faster fish “raced” through the water. Pinkie kept her eye on some of the more unusual fish, making funny faces at them whenever they seemed to notice her. Applejack and Twilight, meanwhile, alternated between reading the informational plaques and watching fishes. Applejack even tried speaking for the critters every now and then to lighten the mood.

“Ah’m a sea jelly, y’all. Ah float wherever ah want, ya hear?”

“Actually, Applejack, they don’t consciously control where they swim. In fact, they don’t even have proper brains like ponies and humans do.”

“Oh… Ah’m a sea jelly, y’all. Blurga blurga bloo.”

Fluttershy, however, remained by Carl’s side and gently asked if they could see everything. As far as outings with the ponies went, it was a pretty calm affair. Every new patron entering the aquarium was screened at the entrance and asked to keep a respectable distance from the visiting ponies. While the latter rule was broken now and then, prompting Carl to grasp his weapon, it was generally by parents with children who wanted to see through a specific window.

Of course, not threatening the ponies wasn’t the same as not bothering them.

*tap* *tap* *tap*

“Um… excuse me…”

*tap* *tap* *tap*

“Could you… possibly…”

*tap* *tap* *tap*

“Not tap on the glass like that?”

The child Fluttershy was talking to, a girl no older than seven, seemed to be at a loss, “But look,” she said, pointing at the few fish that had gathered by the glass, “They like me.”

*tap* *tap* *tap*

Fluttershy winced at the sound of each tap, tucking back her ears as she took a deep breath “Actually, I think you might be bothering them… not that there’s anything wrong with you. It just… they look a bit… anxious.”

The girl seemed to think that over as Carl swept the crowd for the girl’s guardian. He found a woman with a strong family resemblance, at least if you subtracted a couple hundred pounds, yammering on her cell phone about 10 feet away.

“Am I bothering you?” the girl asked, facing the fish.

*Tap*

*Tap*
*Tap*

*Tap*

“See? They shook their heads. That means no!”

If any other client had engaged in that sort of “argument” with a child, Carl would have ignored it entirely while searching for bigger threats. From what he knew of the ponies, however, that conversation was liable to end in tears… and not necessarily those of the girl, either. Continuing his regular checks on the other ponies, Carl made his way to the busy mother.

“Excuse me, ma’am,”

“…really need is… excused me for a moment,” The woman put down her foot, staring up at Carl without the slightest hint of trepidation, “What?”

“Is that your daughter, ma’am?” Carl asked, pointing back to the girl.

“Yes, that’s my Monica. Why?”

“She’s bothering a VIP… and breaking aquarium rules. Please reign her in before I’m forced-”

“WHAT?!?”

That last exclamation came not from the mother but from Fluttershy, prompting Carl to pivot around and brace himself for anything.

The girl… “Monica”… was still tapping on the glass without a care in the world. Fluttershy, meanwhile, had frozen in place with a horrified expression on her face. From the corner of his eye, Carl could see that at least a couple of ponies and agents had noticed the outburst.

Carl gently approached the petrified pegasus with care, unaware of what had been said or how she was going to react. Though Carl had snapped a few of catatonic clients into action in the past, he normally had the benefit of knowing what had gone wrong.

“Fluttershy?”

The sound of Carl’s voice seemed to snap Fluttershy right back to attention, “Oh… hello Carl. I’m sorry for raising my voice like that. This little filly was just talking about… things I don’t think she understands quite yet.”

“…What sort of things?” Carl asked, regretting the question even as it slipped past his lips.

Fluttershy looked up at Carl, putting most of his worries at ease. She had visibly calmed down and was even smiling at the obvious silliness of whatever she was about to say.

“She… she told me that humans didn’t ask the fish if they wanted to be in the aquarium. I… I know that it sounds silly. I mean, these don’t look like bad fish and this doesn’t look like a fish jail so… Carl, why aren’t you smiling?”

Carl’s jaw was clamped shut, refusing to admit so much as a peep until he could work through what he’d been told and figure out the answer least likely to cause problems. While Aegis had dreamt up of at least a dozen pony-specific complications and their proper responses, the thought of explaining “fish slavery” hadn’t ever come up.

Unfortunately, Fluttershy proved more than capable of drawing conclusions from her bodyguard’s silence. The nervous smile slipped from Fluttershy’s face as her pupils started retracting,

“Oh… oh no…” the Pegasus started muttering, taking a single step away from Carl and Monica… and then another step… and another… “-nivores so I can understand if… isn’t that enough? Did they even… their families? *gasp* What if they had eggs?”

Two members of the infield were approaching Fluttershy from either side (but not from behind. Intelligent or not, she was still a spooked equine) as Carl walked forward with his hands outstretched in a placating gesture. Carl gave his backup a small nod, permission to grab Fluttershy if she started panicking. While man-handling a client was never a good sign, she was showing the warning signs of a potential runner.

Thankfully, it didn’t get that far. Rainbow Dash and Rarity cut Carl off, “Watch where you’re going, bub. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re terrifying my oldest friend.”

“Your oldest friend was already terrified,” Carl justified.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Dash groaned, raising a single hoof to her face.

“What she means to say,” Rarity corrected, “is that we know how to deal with Fluttershy when she gets a bit… shaken. Allow us to get to the bottom of this.”

While Carl had little reason to doubt Rarity’s claim… and the two of them seemed to be Fluttershy’s closest friends… the thought of sending in “the brash one” and “the dramatic one” to learn some “terrible human secret” seemed a bit… unwise.

“Tell you what,” Carl countered, “Grab the others as quickly as you can. I’ll do my best to explain everything to the entire group.”
While the two mares seemed reluctant to leave their friend in distress for even one second longer, the two of them exchanged an uncertain and nodded, splitting up to grab Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Watching the terrified, mumbling pegasus, Carl could feel a muscle in the corner of his eye spasm… just like it did when Applejack had asked for applejack… or when Pinkie had resurfaced from the Pink M&M bin. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be the start of a regular thing…

Point of Intervention For Fluttershy (Most Recent): A) Threat. B) Animal cruelty (includes swatting spiders, mosquitoes, etc.) in immediate area. C) ECS.

No… Carl hadn’t missed his opportunity at that point. He had chosen to intervene and gathering the rest of the ponies was probably the smartest thing he had done all day. While nopony seemed “happy” with the situation, they all accepted that the fish on earth weren’t “intelligent” like they were back home… or at least most of them did.

...in hindsight, the whole situation highlighted the problems involved with using a single bodyguard (especially one who was expected to double as a “chaperone”) to watch over an entire group. Amidst the bubbly personalities and near misses of the previous day, noticing that a shy and withdrawn pony had suddenly become a different sort of shy and withdrawn…

It was Carl’s own fault, really. Beyond overlooking the temperament of his charge, he had been the one who accepted this whole impossible job. He had been doomed to failure from the very start…

Two Months Before Incident

“…You’re joking,” Carl stated.

Things certainly would have been easier if it was all a joke. If it was, Carl could get out of his uncomfortable chair, clearly designed for someone nearly half his height. Then, he could leave the small Aegis office with its dull grey walls… return to the gym and exercise, perhaps.

“This is real,” Mike confirmed, still working on his computer.

“I thought that the government was going to-“

“The ponies nixed those plans,” Mike interrupted, “though DC is still willing to fund anyone brave enough to work with them. You’ve saw the size of the commission, right?”

Carl looked down at the desk separating the two men, seeing the slip of paper that Mike had placed there for him. The number of zeros hadn’t changed.

“Assuming that I believe you,” Carl started, “what makes you think that we’re getting this contract at all? On that note, why me? Why not grab one of your poster-boys?”

“The ponies aren’t big on violence,” Mike stated, continuing on as though the magical equine aliens were simply fussy clients, “We’ve done more NL-work within the past year than the big three have ever done in the past decade. As for choosing you… the ponies seem to want a ‘chum’ and when I think of chatterboxes, I think of a certain friend who could use a second chance.”

So the ponies wanted nonlethal measures… Carl frowned just thinking of the logistics. When keeping a low profile simply wasn’t possible and assailants couldn’t be pacified at range, the most reliable strategy was flooding the area with personnel and leaving no vantage points open. It was possible, of course, but it would be a headache and a half.

“You’re treating this nightmare like it’s some sort of favor,” Carl commented, careful to keep his face neutral. While Mike was known best for his short fuse, he wasn’t above the occasional mind-game.

“You don’t have to take the job if you don’t want,” Mike shrugged, “After what happened the last time you opened you big mouth, I just thought you’d appreciate a job where those loose lips were an actual asset.”

“…Who would I be working with?” Carl finally asked, not budging from his seat.

“It’s a big job that can bring in big business,” Mike started, “I’d handle the infield personally. Bout time I got out of this office, if you ask me. Beyond that, Kelly… you know Kelly, right? She’ll be handling the outfield. As for agents, you might recognize-“

“Who will I be working with, Mike?” Carl reiterated.

Mike stopped typing at his computer, spinning ninety degrees on his chair to stare into Carl’s eyes. There was a bit of annoyance in that stare, not to mention a bit of… sympathy.

“They insisted on a single guard, Carl, and we had to fight for that. We’re hoping to convince them to accept more help but until then, you’d be on your own”

“…Get back to me when you’re sober, Mike.”

Carl rose out of his chair, relishing the freedom in movement as he spun around and grabbed the doorknob.

“Stop being a baby,” Mike called out, “We’re tripling your normal salary and doubling your hazard pay. The president’s own bodyguards don’t get payed that much,”

“It’s not about money, Mike!” Carl snapped, still facing the door “It’s about what is and isn’t possible. The higher-ups can offer whatever they want but we both know that they’re after a miracle.”

Instead of receiving some taunt or snide deflection, Carl heard as Mike gave an exasperated sigh. A desk drawer groaned as it was opened and something sizeable was taken out. As a mass of papers were spilled down over the desk, Carl couldn’t help but look back.

Sitting on the desk were pictures; photographs, news clippings, stills from a cartoon, even a bit of artwork from “fans”. Every single paper depicted some combination of the same six ponies. Laughing, smiling, fun-loving ponies…

“You want me to say this is stupid? Of course it’s stupid. We’re not equipped to deal with this sort of job. Frankly, nobody is. All that I know is that someone is going to get this contract. You saw the size of that payout, right?

“Plenty of agencies out there are going to make themselves known, to take a gamble on those ponies whether they’re ready or not. If you refuse to help out those ponies… do you really think that they’d be any safer with the next guy?”

At the end of the day, few people get into truly dangerous lines of work purely for the money. After all, the money doesn’t do you much good if you’re dead. To put your life on the line… that takes something else entirely. For some, it’s the strength of family obligations. For other, it’s a way to act upon ideals. In far too many cases, however, it all boils down to a death wish or superman co-

Wait… That almost… made sense. Looking back, it actually made a whole lot of sense.

…

Maybe… maybe the problem wasn’t that Carl had missed his chance. Rather, it was possible that he had seen his opening but had failed to recognize what was going on. If he hadn’t missed his mark… he could still do something about it…

The Incident

Carl’s eye twitched, a facial tick that had gradually formed over the past 48 hours.

A half dozen agents scattered through the room watched in silence as Carl sighed and grabbed his stun gun. Slowly approaching the irate pegasus, Carl reviewed every decision that had led up to that moment. His choice to accept the assignment… not fighting harder against the trip to Vegas… how he had acted on his previous trip to the aquarium… even his fateful decision to let Fluttershy “say goodbye” to her new fish friends.

The rest of the ponies, also sopping wet, stood between Flutterrshy and the entrance to the shark tank Rainbow Dash had swept her back out of. The net Fluttershy had been using slowly sank into the water as Fluttershy span around in place, desperate to keep an eye on her friends, the agents, and on the “suffering” fish beyond the glass.

Blocking out all of the worried gazes, Carl drew out his stun gun… and promptly slid it along the ground to Fluttershy’s side.

“I think I get it now,” Carl started, keeping his voice calm as he sat on the floor, “You really want to help out those fish, right? To do the right thing?”

In spite of frustration, fear, and righteous indignation, Fluttershy still managed to give a stiff nod amidst her frothing rage.

‘To be perfectly clear, I shouldn’t have relinquished that weapon. Even though it’s nonlethal, giving my weapon to an emotionally unstable client… I’m going to be fired after this. Heck, I’ll be amazed if I don’t end up in jail. If it means helping you ‘do the right thing’, though, I’m guessing that it will be totally worthwhile.”

That proclamation had definitely captured Fluttershy’s attention, though she seemed no less agitated than she was before. The ponies and agents, thankfully, had yet to take any movement of their own. Undeterred, Carl slowly lowered himself into a seated position and continued speaking.

“Since I’m already helping you out, though, I guess that I might as well help you plan out your next few moves. As far as Aegis is concerned, keeping you safe at the moment means keeping you safe from yourself. All of my colleagues here? You’re going to have to take them out. Unless you can fly with wet wings or know how to fight in close quarters, you’ll probably need that weapon to take someone out. Shock them, buck them, grab their weapon, and repeat till everyone’s down. You’ll even have a shot left over… though you’ll probably need to use it on me.”

Carl paused to puzzle that over, pretending not to notice the haunted look in Fluttershy’s eyes as she glanced at the weapon right next to her.

“After that… huh… there’s actually quite a few more agents in the area, not to mention the security guards watching you through… that camera. Actually, our agents might be holding them back for the moment. Probably haven’t stopped them from calling the police, though…”

Fluttershy’s breathing had notably accelerated as her eyes started darting around the room: camera, Carl, agents, fish, friends, weapon, camera, Carl…

“I’m getting off track, though. Point is, you’ll have about… let’s say thirty seconds to grab all of these fish you’re trying to save and whisk them away into the specialized vehicle you’ll need to get them to the coast. You don’t have a driver’s license, aren’t equipped to drive human vehicles, and will get pulled over by the first police officer who finds you but hey, you seem pretty clever.

“Assuming you have an escape route, a getaway vehicle, and a driver you’ve bribed with the funds you don’t have, I’m sure that most of those fish will make it to the ocean okay… or at least to an ocean. They’re not all from the same spot, you know?”

Fluttershy had started hyperventilating, covering her eyes with her soaking wings as if trying to make herself disappear.

“In the end, though, I’m sure that it’ll be worth it. Not to me, of course, since I’ll be injured and in jail… or to Aegis, who will be sued by the hotel and the government… or to the hotel, who’ll take a huge loss ordering new fish to replace the ones you save… but, you know, to the fish. They may not understand a thing that we’re saying but I’m sure that they’ll appreciate most of them reaching an ocean. Hopefully, the newspapers will remember to view things from… their…”

Carl allowed his voice to trail off, becoming aware that Fluttershy had started crying. The moment that he stopped talking, her legs gave out beneath her as she flopped to the floor in a heap of wet fur and good intentions.

Standing up, Carl walked over to Fluttershy’s side and retrieved his weapon. Slipping it back into its holster, Carl sighed.

“Are you sorry for trying to rob the hotel?” Carl asked.

There was no response to that question, save for a couple of silenced sobs.

“Do you plan to try something like that in the future?” he asked.

This time, Fluttershy’s head gently shook back and forth as she rested her face in her forelegs. Her expression remained unreadable.

“For the record,” Carl said, “I don’t have any problem with you supporting animal rights. Plenty of humans already do and I’m sure they’d love to hear from you. If you want to help, however, you’ll have to do so by our rules. You won’t help anyone by doing… this.”

Fluttershy’s head gave another rough jerk, though Carl couldn’t tell if it had been a nod or a powerful sob. Considering himself about done with that conversation, Carl gave the ponies by the aquarium a quick nod and started walking towards the front entrance.

Something told Carl that it was time for him to face the music.

“So,” Mike remarked, “it sounds like things went poorly.”

“A shame that that the security camera malfunctioned, “Carl responded, “Otherwise, you’d have a record of what happened for yourself.”

“You forget that you had a dozen witnesses for that little fiasco,” Mike reminded him, “Or at least you would have had if they weren’t too shocked to take it all in… shame about that…”

“Mmmmhmm…”

“Of course, if I had seen what happened, I’m sure that I’d have a couple of questions to ask.”

“Hmm?”

“Small things, really. How long it took you… where the net came from… why you never went into hostage negotiation…”

“If you asked that last one, I’d have to ask my teacher the very same question.”

“Maybe later, then,” Mike muttered, stretching his hands up over his head, “We still have to discuss your punishment.”

“Was starting to think you’d never get there,” Carl remarked.

“You’d make for a pretty bad whipping boy if you weren’t punished gravely and publically,” Mike mused, “though that will have to wait as well. In the meantime, someone has to send headquarters an incident report. You handle it. In fact, we’re about to head on the road. You handle all of the paperwork until you hear back from them, see if you’ve been fired.”

With that, Mike passed on a small electronic pad, a device that roughly resembled an iPad, save that it was designed exclusively for communication. It was the sort of advice you might need to contact a person or agency that didn’t have a real phone number.

The next few hours spent on the road gave Carl all of the time he needed to compose a proper report, including a few off-hand notes and observations that psychologists would later expand into “Extraterrestrial Culture Shock (ECS)”. The first draft, however, was the one that ended up sticking in the bodyguard’s memories. It was silly… irreverent… the work of an exhausted mind who couldn’t care any less. At the same time, though, it felt like the right thing to write.

Dear Headquarters,

Today, I learned a new lesson about all of my new pony friends. From all of the stories I’d heard about them, I was thinking that they were some sort of pony war heroes… maybe leaders of a local militia or something like that. This is not quite accurate.

These ponies are literally super heroes.

I’d say that they had some sort of superman complex but they are probably the closest thing that their world has to superman (unless they have a “supermare” comic or something. No telling with those ponies). Perhaps the Planeteers would be a better comparison (Even if Rainbow Dash makes for a pretty brash Captain Planet… unless she’s Wheeler). Anyways, I’m getting off track.

What I’m trying to say is that Pony Ma-Ti went crazy and tried to liberate an aquarium.

In spite of that, though, I really can’t blame her. Where she’s from, doing the right thing is almost always the right thing to do. It’s like… have you ever noticed how superheroes almost never misread situations… and how their collateral damage never actually transforms their home town into a hell-hole that no one would live in… or maybe how lack of due process doesn’t result in every vigilante-caught villain being instantly freed? I’m pretty sure that Equestria works on that logic. If a mare sees something wrong (such as the horrors of enslaving fish), she will fix it because… well, why wouldn’t she?

If I’m going to keep this up, I don’t think that I can be a babysitter, chaperone, and cultural interpretor for these ponies. If I’m right about this, after all, who knows what other “misbehavior” I’ve seen comes from our vastly different cultures. While I’m doing my best to talk with them, we need someone on the team who can clearly explain why rules are in place and why problems still exist… hopefully someone with some kind of “-ology”: sociology, anthropology, psychology, histo… logy… You know what I mean.

Your loyal bullet sponge,

Dear god don’t let me be Suchi