A Mess of Titanic Porportion

by CommodoreGalland

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Crossover, Dark, Human, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Other, Shining Armor
Length: 19648

When you get turned into something you weren't before by a magical merchant. With all the perks, all you need to be is yourself, whichever one that may be. After all, What could possibly go wrong?

Two guys with chuunibyou syndrome buy a thing from an actually nice merchant in a shady corner store and get sent to Equestria, and, well, I think we all know what is going to happen.
No one dies a virgin, as life will always screw you over.
A crossover with the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and Macross

The picture has nothing to do with the story, but the situation is just as ridiculous.

NOTE: After speaking with my friend, we have decided that this story is "too far gone for our skill". Maybe we will rewrite this eventually, but for now, we just can't do it.

Published 2015-08-29 00:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-27 23:52:54 UTC

Two idiots at a convention

"This was the worst idea ever."

Oh great, he's whining again. "What are you whining about this time, mason?"

"just that this was probably the worst idea I ever thought of. what was I thinking with these stupid legs!"

A few months ago, I heard the World cosplay summit was coming around in japan again. Thinking it would be a good idea for my dear friend to get some intercontinental culture, I dragged him with me. What I didn't expect was his costume, as he went all out for the first time since last Halloween. He went as the daedric prince Molag Bal from Skyrim. It was pretty good, except for the legs, which were basically modified stilts. How he could walk in those were beyond me, and apparently him as well.

"Doesn't it hurt walking like that?"

"Gravely. Why did you bring me here again?"

"Well, I thought it would be interesting" I began, "besides, your in Japan, a different country"

"japan is your wet dream, not mine" He is really not having a good time.

"I'll bring you to Germany next time" he shut up at that.

"What are you supposed to be again?" He asked me for the seventh time today.

"For the last time, I'm a Zentradi" just a really small version, "you try being a 40 ft tall humanoid then, see how you like it" He just glared down at me. "look, I'm sorry about your mace, but you know how airport security is".

"We almost missed our flight" he reminded me. "At least its a nice place. Maybe we should buy something."

"well, there's places over there that we could go to" I say while pointing in a direction. "we could also go to akihabara"

"Great, you talk" Wait, what?!

"I'm sorry, how much was this?!" That price is outrageous!

"5000 yen" Outrageously cheap for something this old. I still cant believe they still make this, an actual size reducer thing that never actually had a name!

"I would say this guy looks shady, but I got my mace back!" He half-whispers to me while hugging his new mace.

"I know, but still!" I whisper back.

"So, sushi from japan. never thought I would ever have this" he says to me while stuffing his face. I would have responded to that with some witty remark about him not using chopsticks, when I noticed his mace and my 'shrink machine' started to glow. I rubbed my eyes and started to tell myself that it was the lighting and went back to eating.

He was oddly quiet.

I turned to see what was wrong and saw him face first on the table, not moving. I tried to shake him awake, and got out my phone to call for help when I was no longer able to move. The world started spinning and a bright light overcame my view.

"God damnit"

A Daedra and a Giant walk into an empire...

"Kenny? Khenneh? Khinnis? Keminisualitam? Evil tyrant lord of darkness!?" I sprung up after that last one.

"What happened, that you mason?"

"no, its the other walking demon that just happens to know who you are" his sarcastic voice was different that what I'm used to, it almost was two-toned. "Yes, its me Khinnis, get up!" I felt a sharp pain in my side. and I fell forward. again.

"Damnit mason, I hate it when you call me that." I say rubbing dirt out of my eyes. "where the hell... are... you..." I trailed off when I looked behind me. gone was mason, and there was a very real looking molag bal. I will admit, I thought that it wasn't that intimidating, until I saw him in person. "your not mason... right?"

he bent over forward, put his face in front of mine, and whispered, "boo". yep, that's him, I gave him my best deadpan stare when I noticed something wrong. Why do my legs look metallic? and why do I feel heavier?

"I'll give you one thing Kenny, the ladies will love you now" he said while gesturing to my lower body. "stand up"

I did... And fell on my face again.

"your new body will take some getting used to. be glad your legs don't have inverted knees. It took me forever and a half to relearn how to walk." he said gesturing to his legs. I obviously avoided looking at his 'loincloth' "Get up" He grabbed my arm and pulled me up, stabilizing me to keep from falling over again.

I looked over my body, finding the costume appeared real, then looked at my surroundings. my head was just barely touching the tree canopy and felt some branches in my hair. I narrowed my eyes at my surroundings, as if daring it to mess with me more. "Mason, where the hell are we?" I say in a cautious tone.

"Screwed six ways from sunday" now is really not the time for jokes. I turned my stare from the trees to him. "I've only been awake for a few hours and spent that time learning to walk. What do you want from me?!" I looked around the floor for my duffle bag, and anything else that could of been brought with us. I found it, laying precariously across a gorge.  "what now?"

"should we go get it?" I looked at him expectantly.

"I don't know any of my magic, I can't levitate it over here." then he said something, surprisingly smart, "knock a tree over."

"mason, that gorge is at least ten meters across"

"Yes, the tree will fall and eventually get lodged. then you can climb down to it, walk across and climb back up"

"Mason, I'm standing next to a tree, look at it compared to the gorge."

"Kenny, I looked down the gorge, its not that deep, and the edges aren't that sharp." that didn't comfort me. "What do you want me to do, jump it?" I looked back at him with a smile on my face.

I was rustling through the bag when I heard him climbing back up, "Screw. you." he said panting.

"the feeling is mutual" and so the banter continues.

"so, where are we going, you pick a direction?" I picked up a fallen branch, set it vertically on the ground, and let it fall.

"north it is then"

"how can you tell?" he pointed up.

"Damn. this. cold. and. molag's. stupid. reptilian. lacking. of. god. damn. clothes." Great he's whining.... AGAIN. I, however am glad at least my armor is insulated.

"just keep moving, it makes body heat" I tell him.

"you aren't walking around half naked!" touché. I wondered if this male power armor is actually real, it feels real. if it is, then I need to find a way to turn it on.

"I figured out how to activate the weapons in the duffle bag" I say to start up conversation. and quiet down after a glare from him. after a few minutes/hours of walking in relative silence, I was about to strike up another conversation when I saw a spark in his eyes.

"CIVILIZATION!" And he takes off in a direction. I chase after him, cursing this weight, his new legs, this cold, and him.

"Stop. running. wait. for. me!" he stops... and I run into him. I landed in the snow, and mason... disappeared. again. I looked up and saw a purple swirling vortex in front on me dissipate and mason stumble out, and fall over.

"learned how to teleport" ...I'm not going to question this... ever.

"look train tracks" I got up and looked.

"should we follow them?"

"of course" and he began walking in a direction along the tracks. I shrugged and followed.

we finally come to a train station. in the middle of nowhere. "that train station is really small."

"screw the station, look" he said pointing.

"Mason, are those... crystals?" I say, my mind instantly flowing with moneyful thoughts.

"yes, but it kind of looks like a building, like a castle." I can see the thoughts but...

"should we head towards it?"

"Either that or freeze to death." he says already walking in that direction.

"Screw it, lets go"

"hey Kenny?"

"yes?" uh-oh

he turns to me with a smirk on his face, " A Daedra and a giant walk into an empire..."

Hostile takeover

"Mason, put it back"

"Its a black crystal, do you have any idea how rare this is?"

"...mason, put it back"

"I'm not budging on this. besides, it so small no one would notice."

"young man, put that back right now" my tone sharpening.

"What are you, my mother?!" And so the banter continues, again.

"In this case, I am" he went quiet at this. "just, put it back" he grumbled some response at me. "So," I continued, "this the place I think it is?"

"...Crystal Empire, home of the obviously sparse crystals, mom." maybe I went too far... we need to settle this, sooner or later; I think sooner would be best.

I put my hand on his shoulder and said "well, your the brony here, what should we do?"

"So now you want me to lead, typical" he replied venomously. I need to diffuse this situation, NOW.

"Look, how about we head to the castle, we could at least get some help from the local ruler'

He replied quickly, "the doors are too small" crap, I didn't think this through. "The balcony would be a better option, we might be able to go through if we crouch" huh, at least he's calmer now. I suggested he climb on my shoulders, but he rejected the idea in favor of trying to teleport again.

"you think with your teleportation skills, you might land on sombra if he's here.?"

"... hope so, though it could be anyone." he vanished in the swirling purple vortex again, before I saw the same on the balcony and him step out.

"How is it?" I called. after a few seconds, I got worried and started to climb up. I was just grabbing the ledge when I realized "how am I climbing this? I can't climb." I quickly pull myself onto the balcony before anything happens. Only to see mason get flung across the room, with a large black crystal spike through his forearm.

"MASON!" I turn my head towards the maniacally smirking gray armored unicorn. In a protective rage, I charged at him, yelling my lungs out. He looked surprised for a moment before sending out a pulse of something towards my legs. and I fell on my face. AGAIN! for some reason, fate doesn't want me to fall on my ass.

"Another! Insolent creature! I am King Sombra! King of the Crystal Empire! You will submit to my rule!" Sombra said, barely within arms reach. I reached around to slap him before I heard a roar. Shit, he broke. I rolled far out of the way and watched, what... was no longer mason.

"YOU. FUCKING. WHELP! HAVE YOU NO IDEA WHO I AM! I AM MOLAG BAL, DAEDRIC PRINCE OF DOMINATION! AND YOU WILL BEND TO MY WILL! I swore I could hear thunder. Mas- no, molag bal charged foreword, mace in hand and slammed down on the helpless king. Sombra put up a shield, but hit after hit, strike after strike, he wouldn't last long. Eventually, the shield smashed, and the mace turned him into paste. then... laughter, I subconsciously turned on my suit. this isn't my friend, this is a creature that I need to defend myself against. You mortals and your frail, Limp, PATHERTIC BODIES! AGAIN! He then, in another vortex of purple, revived Sombra. only to smash him again, only this time; a purplish black smoke was sucked out of his body and sucked into the crystal embedded in his arm.

I advanced slowly towards him, my weapon draw, but not pointing at him, and said softly "Mason, are you in there?" He laughed again. "Who am I talking to right now?" All the remaining the room have either fainted or are cowering in the corners. He turned his face towards me and replied in the deeper of the two tones,

"I am Molag Bal" he began Daedric Prince of Domination, King of Rape, Father of all Vampires, Harvesters of souls, and Lord of Brutality! And who might you be, mortal? Speak!"

"I am Kenneth, Lord of my people and I am no mortal!" I say loudly with a deadpan voice. He was quiet for a while. "I want to talk to mason"

"HA!, he was weak. The weak deserve to be crushed by the strong!"

"He was strong in his own way. You will let me talk to him"

"YOU PRESUME TO COMMAND A DAEDRA!?"

" I am not presuming" I pointed my weapons at him, "I am"

" ...You were right, he has a strength of his own." wow, I was just ignored. my pride... "I will release him, but you. I will remember you and I will not take this transgression slide. You will bend your knee and pledge your soul to me. I swear this" I just shot next to him. I would have said something, if he didn't fall over first. oh, come on! I was going to say my soul belongs to me and me alone, but god damnit mason! my moment of heroism is dead!

"Kenny..."he muttered, still on the ground, "come... closer" I did. and he said, to my continued agony,

"I guess you could say we had a... Smashing time"

Something is actually done!

"Mason, That is the worst idea you've ever come up with."

"Listen, we have to maximize our efficiency. If I tend to the ponies that fainted, you can determine what era we are in so we can prepare for what will come. We have to split up."

"You expect me to break through walls, to look around the castle." I say as I stare at him, my eyebrow raised.

"Yes, or you could, I don't know, use the doors. The interior doors are very big." I'm going to have to do a lot of bending, aren't I? "Well, there goes my back."

"Just go." he said almost pushing me out.

"Fine, fine. Just don't scare the crap out of them this time." He mumbled a response. Its weird, his hands are on my back, normally, his hands would be on my shoulders. Its probably nothing though.

After going through several doors, crawling through on my hands and knees; I finally found another pony. She was about middle-age, light gray Earth/crystal pony. She was wearing a maids outfit which covered her cutie mark, not that I was looking at her ass or anything.

After several minutes of what could only be described as a staring contest, I finally said, "Hi" she responded, by pissing herself. Really? After all the shit I go through, this is what I get...

I wonder if Mason is having an easier time...

No no! I'm not going to hurt anyone! Look, I just want to make sure she's fine, No I don't want to eat her! For fucks sake! I wonder if Kenny is having a better time than this...

He probably is. So, my options, 1) Continue to talk to the pissing maid, 2) continue to the door. After a while of intense decision making that consisted of enie meenie miney moe, I decided to continue talking to the mare.  "I don't want to hurt you, but you will answer my questions, got it?" I say deadpan.

"Y-yes sir" she stopped pissing herself and was bowing with her nose in the puddle. Mental facepalm.

"Question number one, Where am I?"

"Y-you are I-in the C-crystal Empire s-sir." Double mental facepalm.

"I meant in the castle"

"T-the hallway s-sir" Epic mental facepalm.

"...Besides the hallway" She seemed to stop shuddering

"In the East wing. You... aren't actually going to eat me, are you?" She looked up, her muzzle still slightly wet.

"No, I wont. So, what's your name?" I ask, kind of wishing she had a napkin.

"I'm Shining Star" Seriously, what the hell is up with these names. I know its a kids show, but seriously?!

"Hi Ms Star, How well do you know your way around the castle?"

"Well enough I suppose." Good enough.

"Well, how about you show me the rooms."

"Um, sure..." So she lead me through a couple rooms, none of which were very important to me, until we got to one room. "And then there's this room. moving on-" I dropped my hand in front of her.

"What is this room for?"

"oh, well, its really nothing." She said while trying to look away.

"What is this room for." I say more sternly.

"S-sir, REALLY, its nothing..." Her coat was turning seriously red.

"What is this room for."  I command. And I wish I didn't. As soon as she open the door, I closed it again. Every damn palace has one. I need to keep mason away from this. So we continued on, mostly in silence, with me wishing for more brain bleach.

"Well, that's mostly it, is there anything else you need?"

"How do I get back to the throne room?" She sighed, and pointed to a door.

I "walked" Through the door and, it was surprisingly quiet. I looked around and saw mason leaning against a wall reading a: law book? after looking around and seeing the ponies all rather calm, despite. Looking back towards mason, I saw another middle-aged pony, Pointing out things in the book. I could guess what happened. I Whistled to him, he didn't even flinch, though many ponies covered their ears.

"I'm not a dog, I don't respond to whistles." he says, face still in the book.

"Its the Spanish whistle language." He looked like he was going to say something, be instead he completely covered his face and tried to crawl away.

"Damnit Kenny, what the hell?! Why do you smell like piss?!"

"I though I washed it off the armor!"

Mortals of the Crystal Empire

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Stop staring at me"

"..."

"You smell like piss, So I have to wear a mask"

"..."

"You try going from an inability to smell to that of a dogs in 1.38 seconds."

"that mask is the worst thing I have ever seen"

"Screw you"

"No thank you" he fipped me off

"Either way, did you figure out what era we are in?"

"They've been out of the loop for a thousand years, what do you think?"

"I thought so. So we have no idea whether to watch out for Sunbutt and moona, or Shinning plothole and the princess of merchandising."

"Wait, What?"

"Inside joke." bullshit, I got that instantly.

"Wait, Why princess of merchandising?"

"I Don't like her."

"..."

"Well, for one, shes pink. Two, she has a heart on her ass. three She showed up for no reason. Four, She got captured with little resistance. five, shes a princess for no reason. six... shes pink" I just looked away. "Go wash your damn armor."

"Alright, now I can breathe without a mask," I wanted to shoot him so badly, "Now put on your fancy clothes, our coronation is in three hours, and try to get your shrink machine working"

"Wait, coronation, when did this happen?" Probably when he was alone in the throne room with all the other ponies... wait  when he was alone in the throne room with all the other ponies... "Mason, Molag is still held down, right?"

"Yes, I am still in charge, and it happened when you were away. Also, they said something about sombra still being a crystal pony and some burial tradition. just for the record."

"So, your going to become king huh?"

"Well, my title is still prince so... Just call me 'my lord'. I managed to pull some strings to get you as prime minister."

"I see, I'm going to get most of your paperwork, aren't I?"

"Only the stuff that I am indecisive about. also, here's the law book." Shit.

"You told me there wouldn't be any cameras."

"And you told me you were going to wear something nice." goddamnit mason

"This IS nice, it covers everything!" I Whisper/yell.

"If I have to wear pants, you have to at least take off your helmet." I took it off and gave a small smile as we walked onto the stage.

After a few minutes of preface and ceremonial bullshit, I lost my patience "Get on with it!" Mason and I Yelled out simultaneously.

"Ahem, may our new Leaders step forward" We did. then mason did something... unexpected. He kneeled, and bowed his head. "I now name you, Mason of house Wallace, King of the Crystal Empire!" He said as he place the large makeshift crown on his head. Mason then stood up and stepped back, where I walked forward. I kneeled and took a very low bow, close to the floor. "I now name you Kenneth, of house Tran, Prime Minister of the Crystal Empire." I Stood and walked back next to mason.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Mason, stop hitting me!"

"I cant help it, I'm bored."

"How about you do your-" he cut me off

"Wait a moment!" He jumped up and stood next to me "...Kenny?"

"Yes?" Whats wrong?

"Why are you taller than me?" Wait, What? I looked down, and he was smaller than he should be. I thought something was wrong.

"Mason, are you shrinking?"

"It could be possible, daedra are creatures of change, and there has been cases..." he began to ramble. so, to fix this, I did the only rational thing in this situation. I slapped him. And sent him flying across the room. Fuck!

Damn you Mason!

Damn you Mason. Now I have to fix the economy, restart the industry, get the farms going again, and balance the military budget. work work work. I looked up to a clock, 1:34 AM, There goes my sleep. I need coffee. I started to head to the kitchen, on the other side of the throne room. as I got to the throne room, I saw mason still on the throne. Wonder if he's asleep or in thought. I quietly moved through to the kitchen. took the coffee maker, and headed back to my room.

"Not neglecting your sleep, are you Kenny?" I walked back just staring at him all the way past. And walked back to my room. After many hours of caffeine filled work, I meandered back to the kitchen for food. As I once more passed the throne room, I saw mason, still hasn't moved. "Mornin' Kenny." I nodded in acknowledgement and continued to the kitchen. In the kitchen, there were a few cooks making breakfast, I took a couple loafs of bread and a pie and headed back to my room. this time, mason stayed quiet, with his eyes closed.

"So, whats on the agenda today?"

"Besides hiring help?" he responded, eyes still closed, "Screen the candidates you found, reset the economy, ensure enough food is distributed, watch the sky's, and do what you've taken on your plate. That would be the end of things for you. I also have to deal with court in addition to all that."

"At least you don't have to screen the candidates."

"And you don't have another consciousness to keep track of." touché. Well, lets get this day started, go screen the candidates, and go find shining star.

"oh, and Kenny." Hmmm? "Get your shrink machine working, please."

"Alright, you are... stoic defender" Really? "You were a guard befor sombra took over correct?"

"Sir, Yes sir!" If anything could describe this pony, it would be military for life. Well, lets test him. My ROTC days should help with this.

"We're just going to run some tests, go stand over there." I point towards the right wall, and he... marches all the way over. This will be a long day.

Resetting the economy, was not an easy job. I started by gathering everyone with even the most basic on economics to veteran business... ponies? Why did it have to be this show? I wonder how mason is doing?

Stamp. Stamp. Stamp. Stamp.  Stamp. Stamp. Really having second thoughts about this whole king business.

He's probably fine. So, the bit will have the equivalent worth of the American dollar. Wonderfull.

Farming, not my forte, but it needs to be done. "So, are you ready to begin distribution?"

"MmmHmm, n' HayYaw! We gon' do dis thuf rit now MmHmm. Les go Mr prim' Min'ster."

"Uhhh, yes, lets go." Extreme Country dialect, thankfully, I'm adept.

I walked through the empire looking up at the sky, occasionally telling the ponies that walked past me to "Watch the skys, traveler" Don't know what possessed me to say that, but I did.

I was walking back to the castle grumbling to myself about food. Its been a long day and I couldn't wait for dinner. My thoughts trailed back to mason, the poor sod's still got a couple hours of court left. I was about to launch into another mental round of grumbling when one of the guards ran up to me.

"Pri- Primme Mini-Minister" He was panting so hard he could barely speak.,

"Breath soldier, what's wrong?"

"Yes sir, There are strangers at the gates!" I looked at the sky, and yelled... internally. Seriously, what did I do to deserve this?!

Major Murphy, Sir Someone just asked what could go wrong! Permission to press the red button!

My god, Permission granted.

Screw being mister nice guy. "Alright, where are they?"

"this way sir"

I walked/stomped my way to the gate to get this business over with. likely the empire will be experiencing a mini-earthquake for the time being. When I got to the gate, there were about eight ponies there, and I recognized all of them. "State thy name and business... please!"  one of them stepped foreword.

"I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, And I am the rightful ruler of this empire, stand down and you will not be harmed!" Is she serious? "We know that You are being controlled by sombra, fight his influence! His will is not yours!"

"My will is my own. And by the way, He's dead." They were shocked for a moment.

"Then where is the crystal heart? if he is dead, where is it?" Crystal heart... oh.

"Princess, I have more important things to worry about than a simple jewel." One of them, you can guess which one, flew up to my face.

"How dare you speak to the princess that way! I oughta teach you some manners!"

"Rainbow dash! Get back down here!' I couldn't see which one said that.

"I got my eyes on you, bub!" she slowly descended, glaring at me all the way down.

"now that your business here is done, what are you going to do now?" The pretty pink princess stepped forward again.

"I am The rightful Ruler of the crystal empire, I am here to retake my throne... please?" So NOW its all please and thank you, do these ponies have no shame?

"Well, your going to have to talk to the new king and I about this then." Then purple smart came forward.

"What do you mean, new king?"

"The peop - ponies have elected new leaders."

"You mean like, a democracy? But, That wouldn't work, no one would agree on anything and nothing would get done!"

"Depends. Follow." I commanded.

The walk to the castle was surprisingly simple, even though Twilight was constantly pestering me about everything. "Guards, take them to a room, we'll talk tomorrow." I quickly turned away and started to climb to the balcony. Again! Once I got there, I saw mason in the midst of court, still. He was smashing his head into a large crystal while the pony was talking about taxes. I whistled for his attention. The pony, once again coved their ears.

"I'm not a dog" He gestured to signal court ending. "So Kenny, what's up. A lot of ponies were saying 'Watch the sky's traveler'. You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you?"

"First, yes my fault. Second, we got a large headache, eight of them." He groaned in response. "Well, look art the bright side, they are going to be suffering with us together."

"Kenny, go get some sleep"

"Walking" to the throne room sucked.

"Morning Kenny" I nodded to him. "ready for the big day?"

"Nope!" I say with a fake smile.

"that's what I like to hear!" He said with the same smile. After a few minutes, the guards walked in with the six mares and one stallion. "Kenny, I thought you said there was eight?"

"I did." to their credit, even the guards looked surprised.

"Fuck!' just then about a ton of confetti exploded all over the room. I looked towards mason direction and saw his face twitching slightly, before hitting his head.

"Um, sorry about pinkie shes-" She was cut off.

"HII'MPINKIEPIEWHOAREYOUDOYOULIKECUPCAKESIDIDN'TGETACHANCETOTHROWAPARTYFORYOUBUTICANNOWWHATWOULDYOULIKEOOOICANMAKEITASUPRISEPARTYBUTICANTDOTHATIFYOUKNOWABOUTITSO-" Her tirade was cut off as the guards pulled her away. I looked back to mason who was twitching again, his hand squeezing his armrest and trying to move towards his mace.

"...Ahem, anyway, My name is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and this is my husband shining armor, and I am the rightful ruler of this empire. I appreciate what you have done for it, but I ask that you would abdicate the throne. lets be honest, what do you actually know about ruling over ponies?"

"Interesting offer, I'm going to have to say... no."

"Well I'm glad we could reach a- wait, what? what do you mean no?"

"I mean, no. I will not abdicate the throne" This is about the time where I step in.

"What my-" I was cut off, what is it with these ponies and cutting people off, by a rainbow blur racing towards mason. Before I can even move, there was a large crack and screaming. I rubbed my eyes and saw rainbow dash on the ground, clutching her hooves, and screaming her lungs out.  I looked back towards mason to see his head slightly flung back, though he pulled it back seemingly fine.

"That's a broken coffin bone, navicular bone, and proximal sesamoids, and who knows how many fractures." I looked towards the princess and a slow realization came over her face.

Political shitstorm.

A very stressful dinner

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So, that happened."

"Indeed" This is going to be painful, isn't it?

"So, Kenny; my knowledge on this subject is slightly hazy, remind me: what happens now?"

Time to relieve a little bit of stress, "So, would you mind explaining what happened? We already know what happened, But I want to hear it out of your mouth." Even though I was addressing all of them, my gaze shifted solely to the pink Alicorn of lust, and her husband, And she seemed to be slightly taken aback. Its good to see that she is not as well versed in politics as she could be. I wonder if mason knows why?

"Well, we, um..." Good, I like seeing ponies panic... wait, when did my vocabulary change? I should talk with mason more to fix it. I turned my gaze towards him, and he subtly gestured for me to take control. I can see the headlines now, New Rulers Assaulted Unprovoked by Equestrian Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. Or something like that.

"Do you understand the repercussion that will transpire due to that unprovoked assault?" I stated calmly, as the ponies started to group back together, "One, Mistrust in the equestrian government, Two, Bad public relationships, Three, Embargo on equestrian goods, Four, the equestrian government will be forced to pay commissions for the damages, or..." If my words so far caused them to flinch, my next one would be like a stab through the heart.

"...War." Damnit, Cadence cut me off, appearing almost ready to cry. Good, good...

"Yes, it would" Ah, about time you stepped back in, mason. Done getting coffee? And as if on cue, he sneezed. "And while I would like to get this issue sorted out,  it has been quite a while since morning, and I am sure none of us can think while Hungary. Might we continue this after a meal?" Ah, Mason, you and your iceberg technique.

"Y-yes, that would be best" The sniveling Alicorn said as she followed the guards, her husband glaring at us until he passed through the door.

" Quite the pickle, would you say Mr. Fibb?" Mason said while slumping in his throne.

"Most indeed Mr. Wink." I reply, mimicking his reference and position. Eventually, the guards led us to the dining room, where we subsequently ordered our food. I unfortunately, was slumping in a corner due to my size, at least Ii get to see mason suffering at the table.

"So, why do you keep that monstrosity with you anyway, your princeness?" So, the guards finally spilled the beans, also, MONSTROCITY?! "I'm sure there is a reason, but in the castle? now that can not be pleasant." I turned so I could see which dead man spoke. Lo and behold, it was rarity, that white and purple unicorn will become a black and blue earth pony if... I could get up... mason, was quiet. though I couldn't see his face, I could see him shaking. Laugh it up moldy balls, I'm turning that horse into glue late, then, I'm coming for you.

"Now, now miss..." I'm sure he could barely keep a straight face.

"Rarity, Your highness. fashionista, extraordinaire!" She said as the jewels on her dress lit up - wait, when was she wearing a dress? and where is that light coming from?

"Miss Rarity, I will have you know that the prime minister is an integral part of the empire, and I'm sure he doesn't like being talked about behind his back, nor in front of him. Ain't that right Iron man?" References now? well here's a reference for you moldy balls, I then proceeded to flip him off.

"I'm not sure what a 'prime minister' is, but I can see where I have made the mistake." She then turned to me, "I apologize, that was very wrong of me, Mr. Iron man." Mason, there WILL be a reckoning.

"Apology accepted."

After that, the meal went smoothly, except for twilight still bugging us about everything... And this happened.

"I understand it would help, but it is still a trade secret Mr. Armor" Shining, was asking for a 'defense pact' in which he was trying to learn the secrets of my armor. I obviously couldn't, one, because I don't know how to build one, and two, their technology is not sufficient. I was cut off from saying anything else, by a loud sniffing sound coming from mason. I was going to ask him about it when, as usual, I was cut off... again.

"Kenny."

"Yes?"

"I thought you said the empire didn't have the production capacity to make plastic."

"It doesn't, at least not sufficient plastic, why?" The others have gone silent, just as confused as I am.

"So, why do I smell plastic, and... Sulfur?" Plastic, Basic material in many things; Sulfur, general volatile, can be used in making gunpowder and primitive... My eyes widened in realization, as did masons.

"BOMB!"

When all else fails...

"Well, should we send the investigation team? We do have an investigation team, right?" I asked while we walk down the corridors. It felt good not having to crawl around for once.

"There was an application paper that went through me, I put it in a folder for later."

"God damnit mason!"

"What, we didn't have immediate need for it, and I merely put it aside for when we did!"

"And when we did, it was too late!"

"Don't raise your voice at me!"

"WE ALMOST BLEW UP!"

"Correction, WE almost blew up. YOU were in giant armor." It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...

"ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!" Great, now I'M whining.

"Regardless, we have a family on suspicion. If that is the bombers are them, or if they are just framing them, is another story all together." He restated what we already knew.

"Well, time to officially hire that team, I'll make the calls."

"Before we do..." I tilted my head at him. "You need to decide what happens to miss Star."

"Two guards on her at all times."

"At all times?" Mason, just goddamnit mason.

"..." At this point in wandering, I was starting to recognize this corridor.

"Come along, Through here." And he was opening that door.

"Mason! Wait!" This actually stopped him, "That is the... the... new makeshift barracks we are working on"

"Really? Well, lets see how its doing."  And he opened the door. I quickly slammed shut the door, but apparently it was too late, he wasn't moving. "...Kenny..."

"Its a torture chamber for information"

"..."

The silence on the way back to the throne room was torturous, and very awkward. Mason was walking, oddly. I tried to dismiss it but... it is still Molag Bal's body. Mason quickly took his seat o the throne and I let myself out to do my work.

After three days, we finally sent off the equestrians, and cleaned up their room; seriously, did they have a party in here? We also sent out the investigation team, so far, nothing conclusive came up. And my room was now too big. As I got out of bed, there was a sharp rapping on the door followed by a two-toned voice telling me to wake up.

"What do you want" The voice told me to wake up again with more rapping. I yelled again, "WHAT DO YOU WANT!" The voice repeated the same message. I grabbed the laser pistol from my bag and shot around the area of knocking. This time, the voice change tones and exclaimed,

"A challenger is near!" And kicked open my door. That voice... did not belong to mason. What charged into my room, was a demon. It lowered its two handed sword to my neck as it spoke, "Lord Molag Bal has demanded that you awaken!"

My response was of elegance, grace, and unrivaled wit, "Oh, yea, well, you smell." My brain, still in sleep mode did not recognize the sword and I leaned into it all while spewing my immense vocabulary, "Meshayjclam" Note to self, never try Dragonfire wine EVER again, damn delayed reactions. A sudden heat at the sword snapped me out of my stupor. and pulled the trigger on the pistol aimed at its gut. It went up in a purplish black fizzle and disappeared with the usual gagging sound. I look back to my gun, and to the floor where it stood, crap. Quickly walking to the throne room, I saw mason, on his throne, flanked on two sides by more of those demons. I just realized, that I was in the throne room, in the middle of court, in my boxers with a laser pistol... crap. I quickly turned around and went back to my room to get dressed. After putting back on my armor, I went back to the throne room and waited for a gap in petitioners.

"Mason Wallace of America, What the HELL were you thinking sending that demon to my room!" I 'projected' my voice.

"Good afternoon Kenny, glad to see you put some pants on this time." He didn't even bother opening his eyes, "I mean, if you were looking for a suitor, then why not accept the noble's invitation?" I kept staring at him, the demons to his sides drew their swords.

Once more, in my moment of clarity, I shot one of them. the other charged, but mason stopped it.

"Dremora Lords. After how long, I managed to uncover molags memory of the spell." He began, "Oh, and by the way, its two in the afternoon. You really need to get a full nights sleep Kenny." He said as he tsked me. I glared at him, and gave him the one finger salute. In response, he summoned another Dremora. "Are you feeling alright Kenny?"

"Lets just get this over with" He just laughed at that. "laugh it up scale ass." I meant to think that, but it just somehow came out.

"We don't have the time to get anything over with. Cadenza, heart ass, in her infinate wisdom, decide to spill the beans about what happened to her aunt. And guess what?" I rolled my hand to get him to keep talking, "Celestia Is coming over to discuss what happened and how to compansate Equestria for what happened." he spat out venomously.

"Well, I'll be in my room" On my way back, I fell foreword due to something leaping on my back, I hit the space in front of the throne, and broke through the floor.

I groggily open my eyes, and saw a bunch of ponies looking over me, and mason staring at a door. "Wow, great, we all fell."

"Nope, just you. We found the stairs." He said as he pointed five feet from me. Bullshit. "So, sombra, How does this door work?"

"There is nothing special about it, its just a door"

"We've been over this sombra, tell me what I want to know." he said while shaking the crystal slightly. I've never notice, but mason is a very angry person. Maybe he needs a massage or something. Looking around, I saw the ponies still cringe slightly at sombra's voice. I finally got up after several minutes of listening to mason and sombra arguing. Remembering the episodes he showed me, I shot the gem above the door, and it opened. I then walked through the door without a word. And stairs. lots and lots of stairs.

After about an hour of walking up them, I made it to the top with mason about a flight below me. And there I saw, a heart. Honestly, fuck this show. Mason soon came up after and I saw a similar expression. I picked up the heart and began my was back down, and mason, jumped off the edge.

...You hang on to your butts.

"I wonder if I can sell this" I think loudly to myself. The heart shaped crystal gave a soft hum as it vibrated slight in my hands. My attention was more focused on the heart than the stairs, which means I didn't notice the end of the stairs coming up, nor did I notice the door was closed... and I broke through the door, not even noticing. Not even the shards and splinters of wood could tear my gaze away from this complex structure. Only the change in lighting could bring me to think of something else. "I wonder if mason made it down already?"

"SERIOUSLY! HOW TALL IS THIS PACE!"

He probably has. After a while of climbing the stairs back to the throne room, I quickly go and drop off the heart under my bed, and go back to check on mason; who has finally hit the balcony. I alerted a medical team... just in case. "So, how does it feel being kicked out of the mile high club?"

"Command, this is air Ross, when is lunchtime, over?" He sounded delirious. So, in my infinite wisdom, I poked him with a stick.

"Mason, are you alright?" I asked whilst continually poking him. This went on for a couple minutes before I was snapped out of it by someone clearing their throat behind me, and I was having fun too.

"um, is this a bad time?"

"No, I was just examining him with this stick. So, I can pinpoint damaged areas. My diagnosis is that he is fine." I bullshit while refusing to turn around.

"Um, we can come back later if you wa-" for once, I wasn't the one cut off.

"NAY SISTER! We hath come to collect due payment for the injury inflicted by these heathens! We cannot leave now!" Ah, now I recognized the voice, the infamous sunbutt and moona.

"Vell Vell Vell, Princesses, vhat are you doing here?" my tone going full German, and refusing to turn around. Mason... wake up... now!" and as if, on cue, he got up. "Mason, look!" I whisper to him while pointing behind me.

"Ya, ya, no problem" He's still delirious, oh shit, "Just put the hay in the apple and eat the candle"

"...He's had a rough week, lets let him rest, we can talk... later" I say as I slung him over my shoulder and ran straight to his room... where I proceeded to... SLAP THE FUCK OUT OF HIM!

"Ken. ney. stop. slap. ping. me." I gave him one more slap.

"Good, your back. do you know what happened?"

"Um, not really. I don't actually know where I am."

"...What was the last thing you remember?"

"I... can't really remember much of anything. uh, who are you again?" I got ready to punch him.

"Wait wait, I'm just messing with you." I punched him anyway. "Ow, fucker, druv drey hi lost wah dreh tol!" I Continued to jog his memory more, through percussive maintenance. "FUS!" It buffered me... wait, he shouldn't be able to do- "RO DAH!" I was launched back a couple feet, and finally fell on my ass. whyyyy... looking up, I saw mason having a serious coughing fit and the guards running in, lead by Stoic defender, again, good kid, but seriously? Is he following us? thinking quickly, I acted.

"I want the Med room prepped. we have possible damage to the throat and lungs." most of the guards were still standing, but Stoic rushed out. "Go!" They rushed out. I started moving mason to have him lay on his side, as I did so, a bluish purple blood started to drip from his mouth. I held him like this for a few minutes until the medical team came in and rushed him out. "This is going to be a long day, followed by a long week, followed by the death of me."

"We should hope not!" Fuck!. Well, looks like I can't just skip out now. "Thou hast our sympathies, but there ist still the matter of compensation."

"Give me a half an hour." she left after that. I am so inventing Advil here. After collecing my council, consisting of Shining Star, Stoic Defender, some random business pony, goddamnit, and a dremora lord. And like the legend of king Arthur, All who sit here at the table of friendship are welcomed equally. I am glad I made this round table. I looked at the doors, then back to the table, then back to the doors, then back to the table. Fuck!

After finally getting the table to the throne room, and setting it up, I was a little bit hurt at how it is now half as tall as it was. "All here who are present, say aye"

"A-aye" theres miss star to my left.

"AYE!" Stoic to my right.

"I?" The business pony to the far right.

"RRRAARGGHHH!" Close enough, and the dremora lord to the far left.

"Aye." luna next to the dremora lord.

"Present" Really celestia? Couldn't even let me have my fun? And her next to the business pony.

"Now that we are all here, who wishes to begin?" Not even a second passed before luna slammed her hooves on the table. Before she even began, I Yelled back, "Oi, Don't go slamming your hooves on the table." I say as I slammed my hands on the table. Damn I'm a hypocrite. Almost everyone at the table was facepalming, except for the Dremora lord.

"As, we were about to say," She cleared her throat. uh oh. "WHILST IN THY CARE, THE ELEMENT OF LOYALTY AND OUR DEAREST NEICE'S CONSORT WERE GRAVELY INJURED! AND WE DEMAND COMPENSATION FOR THE INJURIES THOU HAS INFLICTED UPON THEM!" Wow, overcompensation much? I quickly patted back down my hair. looking to my left, I saw miss star on the floor, on the right, I saw stoic trying to find his helmet. The business pony seemed to be trying to clear his ears. And the dremora lord? He was inspecting his sword, as expected. then, a thought came to my head. A delightfully awfully wonderful idea. I would start taking like luna.

"We shalt do no such thing, good madam! For it ist not our fault, Nay, it be the fault of thy niece's companions!" My voice somehow, still stayed deadpan. and it was worth it. The look on everyone's face showed their complete shock. It was nice to see Celestia break her poker face, and luna was absolutely giddy. Maybe not the best idea... Thankfully, I was spared.

"Ahem, you say it was cadence and her friends fault, but what she told me does not seem to match up. care to explain?" Sunbutt is back. Through the power of Eeny meeny miney moe, I unfortunately continued.  My trollish side wanted to come out to play.

"Madam Celestia, allow us to rephrase, we dist not say it twass cadenzas fault, merely that it twass of her companions. May we ask to hear what it twass that cadenza said we hast done, word for word." It wasn't really a question. Luna was bouncing in her seat now. By all things holy... what have I done.

A Mess of Insignificant Porportion

"THATS HORSESHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!" For the 28th time, I slammed my hands on the table. Damned pony vocabulary.

"OUR EXRCEMENT HATH NO REVELENCE TO THIS TOPIC INSOLENT KNAVE!" Luna mimicked my motion.

For the last half of the day, this has been no more than a yelling contest between myself and luna, both sides with a crack in the table from the repeated abuse. The others by the table were wearing earmuffs to try to reduce the sound.

Would you believe we were still on square one?

I was about to launch into another spiel when I heard a voice, "Kenny" Goddamnit mason, I'm going to beat the shit out of him later, and if he doesn't shit, I make him shit. "Kenny, I need your help. Its a matter of Global security" Then tell me in my head goddamnit.

With several seconds passing and no response, I decided to-

"Sir?" EVEN IN MY THOUGHTS! WHY!? Looking towards the voice, I saw the business pony, for the first time since we started, "You seem like something is wrong. Are you Ok?"

"I'm fine, I just had an insignificant insect in my thoughts, never mind it." As expected, they all looked at me strangely.

"Well, um, its been a long day, I think my sister and I will return to our rooms. We were apparently wrong in the matter." Wait, Celestia's admitting she's wrong. What is happening. At least it gives me an excuse to go beat up mason.

On my way to the medical room, I reached out and grabbed the first thing that came to hand... which I let go of when I heard a squeak. Putting that thought out of my mind, I tried again, and got a crystal lamp. Once I got to the med room, I saw it was empty of patients. Knowing mason, I slammed the door to the wall, and nothing happened. After finding a nurse, I asked 'where the hell is that damn moldy balls' before correcting myself.

"Oh, he was released about an hour ago, perhaps one of the guards can tell you where he went."

After several minutes which could only be described as a fetch quest, I was ready to beat something into a wall, preferably mason. "Yes, he went this way, follow me." And finally finding a guard that knows where he is.

"Kenny, its good to-" FALCON PAWNCH!

"Stay out of my mind!" Maybe, I went too far... nah. He got up and reset his nose before 'talking' which once more was him speaking in my head.

"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, princess. If you haven't noticed," He pointed to his neck which was covered in bandages, "Speaking is a little out of my grasp at the moment."

"There's something called a pen and paper" He preceded to walk to a wall, and carve a picture of him flipping me off. He then looked at another pony in the room. He was an elderly cream white pony with a black mane, in a greenish brown, uniform?

"Ah, yes my metallic frund, my  name ist Elemental Rectreation. Und I haf created ze most amazing creation EVER! After months of planning und testing, I haf finally done it! This device can spread large amounts of anything you want over large areas! I call it, ze megaspell!" What is this Doctor Frankenstein? General Deathhead? Plankton? The Red Skull? Doctor Richtofen? I placed my hand on his head and said in my most german accent,

"Ve are going to get along, very vell." I was cut out of my moment by a voice in my head, and the doctor leaving.

"yes well, that's all well and good, but do you know what this is?

"A case of zombies?" He glared at me. "What?! Its a genuine question!" He face palmed.

"Kenny, this is a nuke"

"..."

"..."

"So, what You're saying, is that we have a magical nuke." Again, not really a question.

"Well, I'm sure that was not his intention for this. But, do you honestly believe that people wouldn't see this as a way to destroy everything? May I remind you what happened when the Soviets found out we had a nuke?"

"You think I don't know that? That's why we hide it." He looked at me, more relieved than anything else. I wonder what he thought I would do... I'm not that warmongering.

"I suggest that we hid it in my plane of oblivion, its safer than keeping it here with the terrorists."

"..."

"..."

"OK." He looked both surprised and relieved. Why do you think so badly of me mason?

"Well, now that that's out of the way, what about the heart?"

"Safely under my bed!" I was proud of that answer, until he facepalmed.

"I don't even want to know your logic for that one, so we need to find a suitable location to build a shrine for me." Narcissistic much? He silenced me with his hand, "You know I don't die, I'm banished back to oblivion. And for me to come back, I need a shrine and a..." He looked a little uneasy.

"Out with it"

"A "Sacrifice". I am not a fan of Molags titles." I'd ask which one, but I think I know.

"You sure we can't do it another way?"

"Unless you want a brutal murder to bring me back, no." The things I do for this idiot. There was only one thing left to do, I turned around, and I punched him again.

Too much ingenuity

"Hell, No." He can't seriously be trying this.

"We need to do this, after everything that happened, its too risky to delay it any longer." He said with an ice pack strapped to his eye.

"Let me rephrase, Fuck No." I say as politely insulting as I can.

"There isn't a better option." Bullshit.

"Yes there is, I go, and you stay here and recover." I say while finishing tying his knot, "Stop struggling, it will only make it worse."

"There is so much wrong with what you said." That there is.

"Your highness, please, you will never recover if you don't rest." The nurse says, coming in with more rope.

"She's right mason, you should listen to them, sometimes." the nurse looked at me funny before diverting her attention back to mason.

"Well, do you even know what to look for?"

"An area that is hidden and accessible easily?" Please be right, Please be right, Please be right.

"And large enough for it, a cave likely." He grumbled as he laid down, "Fine, just take a dremora lord with you, they will know what to look for." The nurse started to change the bandages.

I though back to the ones that I knew; I shot one, another attacked me, and then there was the on that sat at the table of friendship... I painted that one blue, I should take that one... I should name him Dremora.

"Kenny, what are you thinking? I don't like that face."

"Oh oh oh, You will love this, or absolutely hate it, That Dremora lord that you keep by our throne, I'm taking him."

"...OK..." I don't know weather he approves, or is confused

"I painted him blue"

"..."

"And I named him Dremora"

"..."

"..."

"Do you have even the smallest lick of creativity?"

"Not for things I first name." He muttered something about my would-be children. "Well, I'll be gone, and if you don't see me back by sunrise..." I'm sure I heard him say something about starting a war before the nurse shushed him, "Don't look for me."

"Wait, don't leave me with the horrible doctor..." Damnit mason, now I have to,

"Shut up caboose" The nurse just harrumphed.

Three hours and nothing to show for it. "dumb snow."

"Sir, We've only gone about a mile away from the empire, there won't be much else around." one of the guards said, one of his legs limping slightly, "I used to adventure much further than this when I was younger, and before I took an arrow to the knee." Quite literally, poor guy.

"I know, but we still got to check every corner, coming it as it were." I turned my attention to the one pony who was struggling to keep up, "Star, you ok back there?" I didn't hear her mutter a response.

"Well, anyone know anyplace hidden and relatively accessible?" Stoic muttered aloud what we all were thinking.

I turned my attention to the blue painted dremora, "What about you? Can you find a place?"  He stopped moving, and we all stopped with him.

"I smell weakness." Well, that was useful, at least it gave us time for star to catch up.

"How, does, one, smell weakness?"

The rest of us just muttered simultaneously, "Magic"

"I got an-" Aaaand cut off again, how many has it been? 179?

"HIDING WILL NOT SAVE YOU NOW!" The dremora drew his sword and ran out towards the side of a hill, swung his sword at it, revealing a cave, and ran inside.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... found one."

"I remember this cave, my brother and I used to play here all the time until sombra came to power." The ex-adventurer muttered nostalgically.

"I can see why" I replied whilst admiring the cave.

"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!" The dremora's shout echoed throughout the cave.

"He's like  a dog" Damnit, stoic beat me to it! I was going to issue a witty remark, when I saw something one my helmets radar. Multiple, no, a swarm, no, a shit ton of blinking arrows all around us.

I got down to the adventure's level and whispered into his ear, "get ready" I also gestured to stoic for his weapon. I then moved to put star in between all of us. "Dremora, Get your ass back here NOW!" At that moment, we were swarmed on all sides by, what was the name...

What the hell are those?

Diamond dogs.

Ew.

Diamond dogs, and a lot of them. I aimed my rapid-fire arm cannon at the attackers, and opened fire, watching those that were hit grip there wounds, and the near-misses, set them on fire. A couple got lucky and managed to get close to me, which I responded with quick cuts through their armored heads. I am so glad I brought an axe, less blood on my armor.

Sparing a glance to my left, I saw Stoic issuing a war cry that would make R. Lee Ermey shed a manly tear, no, sweat from the eyes. Stoic quickly ripped his spear out of the gut of one of the dogs, only to jam his horn in to the eye of another. I quickly shoved star down and shot the dog trying to flank him, his head exploded into blood stains and bits of grey matter.

Turning my attention back to the fight in front of me, I narrowly avoided a spear to the visor before bringing down the axe and cleaving through his head and body, eventually getting lodged in his pelvic bone.

Once more, sparing a glance to the right, I saw the adventurer pony of which I don't know his name, slit the throat of one of the dogs that got past, before shoving one of their own spears into another. I quickly grab one of the dogs and throw him into the rest.

I quickly jammed my fingers into the eyes of a dog that tried to jump over me and took his spear. This fighting was getting out of hand quickly, and one of the dogs finally managed to knock my helmet off.  I heard a squeak, turned around and saw Star buck a dog with enough force I could see the face deform. Looking over, I saw the adventurer finally go down with a club to the head. Wading through the growing piles bodies to provide star more cover, I heard a crack and a scream, and turned to see Stoic finally fall with a broken spear.

This is it, I shoved star to the ground and spun as quickly as I could firing in a circle. I felt multiple strikes to my stomach and chest, and fell over, with multiple clubs striking my face. I heard another scream from star, and tried to get up, only for the strongest strike I have ever felt hit me in the side of the head.

I was quickly losing consciousness, when I heard one more shout, one I was glad to hear, "NNNNNEEEAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I then passed out. Fuck.

When Johnny Comes Marching Home

I awoke with a gasp as the adrenaline pumped through my veins. I could barely move, I heard the sound of footsteps near me and a chain being dragged. After regaining the feeling in my neck, I looked over to the sound and saw some dogs, covered in blood, dragging Stoic and tossed him into the cell next to mine. I strained myself to listen to them.

"Why we keep these? They kill all friends!"

"Yes, but slave very strong. Can carry many gems. And have female! We can breed more since last female died." That's it, I'm killing you first.

They eventually walked away, leaving us all together. I started to regain feeling in my arms, I dragged myself to where Stoic is... and poked him until he woke up.

"No, mom, I don't want to go to school today..." Well, he reminds me of me.

"Stoic, wake up" I poked him again, lower this time... and he jumped several feet into the air. I jammed my hand into his mouth, while shushing him, "We need to be quiet, do you know where the adventurer is? Or Star?" I didn't think eyes could widen as much as his did.

"Wait, Star!? What do you mean-" I jammed my hand back into his mouth, quieting him, "I, don't know. I haven't seen them since the fight. I failed you, sir." Aw crap, not this.

"Yes, you have" He looked downtrodden, "But, you can redeem yourself." If I tell mason about this, I just know he'll make him into an arbiter. "Do you know where the adventurer is?"

"You mean Eagles peak?" Really? Fucking really? That's it, I give up, just kill me.

"...Yes, I mean Eagles peak. Do you know where he is?"

"Yes, last I saw, he was being dragged off with some of the others." Others... great.... forgot about them. crawling over to another cage, I whispered to the pony, wait, is that a gryphon? The gryphon turned its head to me, and I snapped out of my stupor.

"Do you know how many slaves are here?" Really brain? THATS what you came up with? Couldn't have phrased it better? She glared at me and looked away. After confirming there are no guards around, I bent the bars out of my way and limped my way out, "So, you have a number or not... bird." She? Flew up to the bars, and made some unintelligible noise, "Wait, what?" She gave a deadpan stare and opened her beak; where I saw, or more importantly, what I DIDN'T see, was a tongue. Ah, I see. Well, this is awkward.

"There are four slave pens, each with twenty slaves in each." Wait, that voice sounds familiar. Looking towards, the source of the voice, I saw... Nothing? Wait, what? I looked up and down, and all around, but I could not find the source of the voice... until I heard heavy footsteps coming from the cave, followed by a soft dripping sound. One of the bloodied dogs who threw Stoic in here ran past us like the devil was on his ass.

"I WILL FEAST ON YOUR HEART!"  I have never been more glad to hear that voice... until a yellow painted dremora ran after him. Wait, wheres that blue dremora? And where did this one come from?

"I thought you had more sense than to get yourself captured." I continued to stare in the direction, and answered very calmly,

"It was my first time, I didn't know how to properly fight them. Why aren't you showing yourself? You scared? ... Mongrel."

"As you wish" At that moment a large purple vortex opened, and mason walked out... followed by about a platoon of dremora lords.

"So, are you still a liability?" I say with my eyebrow raised. He responded, with a chin flick, haven't seen that one in a while. "Yep, your fine."

"Lets go" he then turned to his dremora and began to order them.

"So mason, where's the blue one?"

"Oblivion, probably." Ah, too bad. He then gave a flick of his wrist, and another vortex open, and Dremora came out. Wonder how his fight went down.

"... you find my helmet?" He looked at me strangely before going back to the dremoras. Its a valid question!.

"Do I even want to know? No, I wasn't looking"

"Well, I'm off on an epic quest to find my helmet."

After several hours of exploring the catacombs and revenge-filled slaughter, I exited the cave, my head held high, helm resting upon it, prisoners dragged behind me, and a corpse tied to my belt. Mason took one look at me, and asked stoic to facepalm with him. And in my infinite wisdom, and peerless wit, I asked, "What?" And they facepalmed again. "So, you find the old warhorse yet?"

"What's a horse?"

"No, and also." He walked right up to me, and punched me so hard I fell over. "WHAT IN OBLIVION WERE YOU THINKING BRINGING A MAID WITH YOU!" Rubbing my visor, I replied.

"Well I didn't think we would be attacked this close to the empire!"

"What use do you have for a maid when looking for a cave!" I got up.

"Well, she's the one carrying the supplies." Mason punched me again... and I fell over... again.

"As of right now, we have two ponies MIA on your watch. YOU will be the one writing their families for this." I nodded.

"I know." He seemed to calm down.

"Come along, I think we left the princesses alone for too long."

"We still looking though the cave?" I say as we start to walk away.

"I'll send several squads of dremoras to comb the cave and the surrounding areas." Fair enough. It was about an hour of walking before we abruptly stopped, "What this time!" Looking to the empire I saw it covered, by a magic dome. They found the heart... they snuck into my chambers! Those primitive horses, I will mount their tails above my fireplace!

Chapter name pending

"Ruth daar soqat spaan ahrk reym tol ris nii vok!" Mason yelled as he slammed his fist against the shield.

"Nii'vok wal nori calmestua!" I cursed alongside him, wait what language is this? Stupid subconscious. Mason turned to me, twitching again.

"Kenny. I would like you to take this shield down, so I can talk with the princesses" He spat out, while trying to take control of his emotions. "We'll hold onto these prisoners for you, as well as the ex-slaves. Just, do what you need to do to get it down."

"None shall stand in my way." Hopefully I don't have to shoot our own civilians. I made my way past the shield and to the gate, "Open the door! NOW!" An unfamiliar voice popped out from the ramparts.

"Oh, crap. One of them came back, what do we do? Um, sorry, you see... this is a secure area. No one comes in, no one comes out. Sorry, you have to come back again, um, never." Wait, were we overthrown? Oh COME ON! Why, just why? I shot the gate down and walked through. I am going to have to smack a bitch. I can't believe I just thought that. On the ay, I ran into a wave of idiots that is the Equestrian military trying to hold me up. I just walked past them, letting them break their spears on my armor. the diamond dogs were more challenging than these. After making my way to the heart, I turned on the loudspeaker on my helmet and yelled, "PONIES OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE! I GIVE YOU ONE CHOICE, SIDE WITH THESE USERPERS, AND BE DECLARED ENEMIES OF THE EMPIRE. OR SIDE WITH US, YOUR RULERS AND SAVIORS FROM SOMBRA, HELP TO TAKE BACK YOUR HOME! After several minutes of emptiness, and a tumbleweed rolling passed, "WOW, YOU ALL ARE JACKASSES. AT LEAST WAVE YOUR HOOF IF YOU SUPPORT ME!", at that moment, every hoof in the empire was stuck out the windows, and waved. I facepalmed. Well, at least they support me. I took the heart from its pedestal, and saw the shield fall. "Anyone that gets within ten meters of me will be shot, regardless of allegiance." The streets were eerily quiet, in fact, you could hear a-

"YOU RETURN! FOOLISH MORTALS!"  Several purple vortexes opened throughout the empire, with a seemingly never-ending swarm of dremoras pouring out, all shouting different... shouts. huh. At that moment, something appeared behind me, and I fired.

"Damnit Kenny, you almost hit me!"

"... my bad." Then, a familiar obnoxious voice shouts from the balcony,

"Ponies, don't believe them, see, they have taken the crystal heart! They are as bad as sombra! Do not-" A snowball hit her face. Following the trajectory, and by that I mean looking where mason pointed, I saw the snowball was fired by.... Stoic? and about the entire empire behind him with more snowballs... and a snow cannon?

"What? I always wanted to do that." Can't blame him. And with that, a white hell was unleashed at the balcony.

"Shall we deal with these, usurpers?" I looked at mason, asking if he even need an answer.

Upon finally climbing into the throne room there was a door. "When was there a door here?" Mason either didn't hear me, or didn't care as he walked up to the door, and yelled,

"In the wise words of Sergent Avory Johnson, HEY BASTARDS! KNOCK KNOCK!"

He kicked the door so hard it flung off it hinges, but somehow it stayed intact. looking through, we saw Sunbutt and Moona, decked out in armor, waiting for us. Looking to mason, who was wearing some kind of magic armor, I was confused. "When the hell you put that on?"

"What the hell? Oh well, Dragonskin, mage armor. Nice choice, me."

"Actually, that was me."

"Oh... good choice molag."

"You done talking to yourself mason?" I say with as much sarcasm as possible. He stepped forward,

"Princesses Sunbutt and Moona," Yes, he actually said that to them, I couldn't even facepalm, "Because we are understanding, we will give you one chance to surrender!"

"in other words, give up or die. I give you to the count of three to march back to your room, or else!" I yell pointing to the doors. Luna's face alone was priceless. "ONE" They took a step back from the intensity of my voice. "Two" Celestia hardened her face. "Three" ... and luna bolted to the door. She made it half way before she stopped, and stomped back, face redder than a tomato, and Celestia facehoofing.

"We shall never speak of this again." She said her face held low, suddenly finding her hooves more interesting.

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure." I sported the largest shit-eating grin behind my helmet. I am so glad I'm recording this. Just wait until the other nation leaders see this. "So, You remain?" They got ready. I looked to mason, "you take luna, Sunbutts mine." I then charged forward... and tackled her. And the last thing I heard from mason before I focused on celestia,

"Well luna, lets dance." Really mason, sparing a quick glance, I saw mason offering his hand... before getting tackled himself by luna, only getting slightly thrown off balance.

Feeling nothing under me, I rolled over with just enough time to dodge a magic blast. "You bitch!" I opened fire on her, my shots just barely trailing behind her. She unleashed a yellow bolt of magic which just barely missed me, before delivering a downwards magically-reinforced flying kick to me. I blocked it, though it caused cracks to spider web along the floor.

"Just give up, and I will have mercy." I grabbed her leg.

"Not going to happen." And smashed her right next to me, I'm sure I broke her wings with that. Gripping her head and twisting it to the side with one hand, and grabbing the hair with the other, I quickly moved to mount her. No, not like that... perverts. I sat on her stomach and yanked her hair, hard, every time I saw her horn glow. I also continued to smash her head into the ground, eventually rendering her unconscious. I looked over to mason, to see how he is doing,

I saw Luna get smashed out of the air with his mace, as if it was a flyswatter, only to be caught by mason and brought into a tango position. He looked to me with a grin, only to unleash a torrent of lightning into her, knocking her out from the pain. "You proud of me, ma?" I took off my helmet, and gave the most deadpan stare, the world has ever known. I then proceeded to throw Celestia at him, which he caught in another tango pose, before checking her pulse.

"Really mason? just really?"

"What?"

"Nothing. What happened to cadence?" Where is she anyway? We walked to the balcony, to see Cadence, buried up to her neck in snow, and constantly getting pelted by more. "...I think my camera is still on."

"...can I get a copy?'

Two days later, we find ourselves, once more, at the table of friendship, still with the cracks of last time. Only this time, there are only the five of us, and the princess in chains... and surrounded by guards, both crystal and dremora, and according to mason, held halfway between this plane and oblivion. By the way, Eagles peak and shining star found their way back to us; turned out the escaped the day they were caught, and just spending time with family.

"So, whats going to happen now?" Oh, yea, make that six of us. The princesses perked up at his voice.

"He is still technically dead."

"We're just waiting to find a husk to put him in." Really mason? a husk? forget it. I stood up, and began,

"All present at this table, say aye, or something." I say as I glared at celestia. I will not forget what you've done.

"Aye, or something" I reached over and hit mason on the backside of his head, "ow fucker."

"Aye." Luna didn't have as much conviction as she did last time, still with some sparks jumping out of her mane.

"Here" Cadence spoke next, still wearing a blanket. I glared at Celestia, daring her to do it again.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Present" My fist smashed the table in front of me, "... I meant aye." she quietly muttered.

"We are gathered here today, to discuss the event and its repercussions of two days prior. if anyone has anything they would like to add, please speak now, or hold your peace." Luna quickly slammed her hooves on the table... and then sat back in her seat.

"Yes, I have something to add," We all looked at mason, "I have to use the bathroom." I hit him again.

"Now we will proce-"

"Hold up wait." We stared at him again, "Ok go on." Not going to ask.

"Now we will proce-"

"Hold up wait." We stared at him again, "Ok go on." I slammed his head into the table.

"Now we will proce-" I paused, glaring at him.

"hmf umf mft... mm mff fm."

"We will proceed regardless of interruptions. It has been decided by the head of the third crystal Reich, that-"

"Excuse me?! The what?" I glared at cadence, I don't blame her, but I have had enough of being cut off. Mason was trying to dislodge his horns from the table.

"that the Equestrian government will hereby sign a non-aggression pact which shall last for ten years, In addition, the Equestrian military, nor other armed forces may enter the territory of the Crystal Empire and all her lands, as shown by this map, not can they be posted within 20 kilometers of it."

"NAY! Tis completely unfair!" I would say something, but I was cut off.

"No, the unfairness hasn't even started princess." I glared at mason, and mentally thanked him for clarifying it for her.

"Ahem, Continuing on, Equestria shall grant us non-restricted mining rights within their territory." Celestia's face was turned into such a glare, I thought it would melt my helmet. "Princess Cadence, you may return to your room. Princesses Celestia and luna, you will stay." I ripped masons head from the table and sat him back down, like a child.

After waiting for cadence to exit, I flung the table to the far wall, stood up, and walked forward to tower over them; mason joining me after nursing his horns. "Now, young mares." They looked indignant, I continued from mason,

"Time for the personal punishment." Luna looked nervous, whereas celestia continued to look indignant.

"Can I give an idea?"

"Kenny, up to you."

"Lets hear it." I say staring at the crystal. The princesses audibly gulped.

"Spanking" All the color drained from their faces.

"Well, Kenny, I think we have a winner." My smile could only be described as sadistic.

"N-now lets not be too hasty. I-I'm s-sure there are o-other options." I'm not sure which one said it, as both of their mouths were moving.

"Oh, were not being hasty, besides, If you really want... I'm sure sombra can think of another one."

"No no, its fine." I could hear snickering from the crystal, "On one condition." Excuse me?

"Oh? and what might that be?"

"You smash that crystal" Hmmmmm, no.

"You're not really in a position to make demands princess" Mason whispered in their ears, wait, when did he get back there? I quickly remembered something,

"Mason, watch them, I'll be back." I left as he muttered something about a missed opportunity.

Arriving at that door, I wondered aloud. "I never thought I'd enter this room, ever." But, progress demands sacrifice. I steeled myself, and walked in.

I walked back to the throne room with several large paddles, one of which I was swinging against my hand. "Hey, that one was my favorite" Ignoring sombra, I walked to the princesses who now looked like they've seen a ghost. They did, the ghost of their dignity leaving through their asses.

"L-lets just get this over with" Celestia stood up.

"Oh no no no. We're not doing this here." She looked confused, before her eyes widened. "N-no, please."

"We're doing this publically" Luna looked ready to cry. And mason cracked out in maniacal laughter, in fact, I couldn't tell which one was in control of him.

"ALL RIGHT," I yelled like it was a carnival, "COME ONE COME ALL, TEN SPANKS PER PONY ON EACH PRINCESS, PADDLES PROVIDED." There was an immediate lineup of ponies, led by stoic. Looking back to the princesses, now in stockades, it seemed like they couldn't tell either to be red or white, so they seemed to be a combination of both. I kneeled down to their level and whispered, "Ready princesses? As soon as mason comes back, the first pony steps up." I saw mason quickly jog the distance and say quite loudly,

"2000 ponies and increasing exponentially," oh my, "LET THE SHOW BEGIN!"

A Trip to Gryphongrad

Plains, trees, and a soothing spring wind. Probably one of the only grass parks in the crystal empire, and we are laying down, staring at the sky. Goddamnit mason, why couldn't you be a chick... I'm lonely. "Damnit, why is there no Internet here!" Mason grunted. Wow, what a remark. I'm getting worried for mason, he hasn't been the same since that incident. My brain once more tried to start up the perverted side, and failed. "Hey, mason... Pudding."

"Canada." So that didn't work, lets try again.

"Shitty America" I kind of miss it now, that backfired.

"Muffins." His tone hasn't shifted from its deadpan, there might be something really wrong.

"...Moldy Balls." He didn't react. Thinking back to yesterday. He was so exited, but as time went on, he kind of became, like this; about halfway through the line, he excused himself and didn't come back.  I sat up, "Well, I'm off to annex the Gryphons. See ya"

He didn't move.

When I made it to the train station, I heard a little bell go off, and felt myself growing again. Crap, I can't fit in the train now, oh well. I began to fly, following the train tracks, until I got to the Equestrian border and was stopped by some Pegasus guard.

"This is a no fly zone. I need to see your passport, and ask you to walk while here." I can't believe he had the balls to stop me, I'm 16 times his size.

"Foreign diplomat" He raised his eyebrow.

"Even diplomats need a kind of passport" He waved his hoof.

"Crystal Empire. I just need to pass through, then I'll be out of your hair." He glared at me.

"I'm going to need to report this, don't move." He sped off. A few minutes later, he returned, "Yea, you still need the passport. The Crystal Empire doesn't have power here."

"Well, it would take time to verify it, so could I use a temporary passport?"

"No, but I can give you a slip and deny it." This is starting to remind me of the airport.

"Really, your supposed to put ALL your items on the rack, AND not bat away the guy doing the metal detection."

"Its not my fault, they could have found my grenades."

"OH SHIT! HE HAS GRENADES!"

"Look what you did now, mason."

"How long would it take to verify my passport?"

"Several months, I'd say."

"Look, just point me towards the Gryphon lands, and I'll go around."

"West, passed the ocean. Well, its more of a really big lake, but still."

"Thanks, can I get your name and rank?"

"No" Well fuck you too. I did a sharp turn and headed in the proper directional. And, might I say, flying over a body of water doesn't exactly give you a lot of courage.

Do you want me to enchant your boots with waterwalking?"

"Nah, I'm fine"

Fuck! After several hours of flying, and getting lost, I finally made it to the capital of the Gryphon Lands, Griffonstone.  And it was a dump! No, it looks like it hasn't had a ruler in over 200 years. No, it makes Detroit look clean, Detroit. No, I'd rather swim in a dumpster... Well, maybe that's too far. I landed in a large clearing, and it seemed the gryphons didn't even care. How to properly do this...

"So, they just care about money?"

"Yep"

"And that's all?"

"Well, there is also some treasure lost in the abyss, they basically worship that, just keep watching."

"This show is stupid."

Treasure in the abyss, sounds like my luck. I think I recall an abyss on my way here. Quickly making my way down to the crack, I flew in, and the wind still managed to buffer me. I flew around for several minutes before I found it. It was a shiny thing across from a skull. Convenient. Taking extra care not to crush it, I flew back to the clearing in griffonstone, held it high above my head, turned on my megaphone, and yelled, "I CAN HELP YOU MAKE BITS! AND ALSO, LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE ABYSS!" Every head turned to me, and flew up to look at the idol. Personal space. "I came to open Trade, and diplomatic relationships. and bring you into the empire. WHO IS WITH ME!" Great, now I feel like Palpatine. Suddenly, a gryphon made of a vulture and a panther flew up to me, and shouted to the crowd.

"He has the Boreas! We can be one again!" At that moment, the light of the sun shone through the idol, and illuminated me.

A Meeting of the Minds

It was so nice to be back in the empire; as I walked back to the castle, the idol tucked under my arm, I felt like not-

"Excuse me Mr. Minister." A guard just ran around me to the castle. Well, who set his tail on fire? As I got closer to the castle, I saw guards pouring out of every orifice of the castle. Great, what did you do this time mason? I plucked a guard out of the crowd, and held him up to my face

"Oi, what's going on?"

"The Emperor just scrambled the ponies." This sounds familiar...

I placed the guard back on the ground before flying up to the balcony. "Mason, why are the ponies scrambled?" He was leaning back in the throne.

"Get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow."

"What do you mean? What have you done this time?" He tsked me,

"Why is it that when something happens, its always my fault? Not this time. This time, its actually YOUR fault."

"If we're talking about the passport incident, yeah." He was quiet for a moment.

"What's this about a passport?"

"Later" He shook his head.

"The Equestrians somehow learned about your visit to the gryphon lands, they are not happy. And not just that, They have decreed a 'world summit' to be held. We have to go."

"Where is it being held?"

"Take a guess." Screw you Sunbutt... not literally.

"...Can we bring guards?"

"Don't know, the show rarely had any, and the summons said nothing. I have several dremora on hand; if you want to bring some, I wont complain." We can't base things off the show anymore. "Get some sleep Kenny, I'll see you at dawn."

I awoke to the feeling of a hot liquid being poured on my face. I instantly instinctively punched the closest object and heard something fling across the room. "Mason, that you?"

"Hey, your helmet really does protect well." Of course it does.

"The hell did you dump on me?"

"not important, lets go."

"I have things I need to do in the morning."

"Get them done quickly." And so I did. I ate a handful of loafs of bread, I pissed, and I washed my face before flexing in the mirror; though not exactly in that order.

"Alright, I'm ready numbskull" Mason looked at me, and rubbed some dirt off my helmet.

"... Don't touch me." He then proceeded to poke me several times whist muttering the word touch. "How are you going to get there?" He replied by walking outside, disappearing in a swirling purple vortex, and appearing my size. "...right, forgot about that."

After an hour of flying to the border, carrying mason, we finally made it... and was stopped by a guard. "Stop, this is a no fly zone, I need to see your passport and ask you to walk while here." This guy still has balls.

"We have a summons" Mason held up the paper.

"...Alright, just walk while your here and we wont have a problem, would you like an escort?"

"Yes" And so we walked to the lonely mountain of Equestria, our escort trying to keep up, and me trying to work the machine again. I will admit, I hate being small, but, it is necessary right now. "Mason, carry the escort, would you."

I finally got the machine working as I got to the city. lucky timing. I tried to make myself at least 10'10, but all I could make myself was just a little taller than discord was, or at least I think it was. Checking my helmet, I saw that it was only 8:10, that bastard woke me up at six! I wonder when the meeting takes place. Making it through the hallways, we came to a large set of golden doors, in fact, I'm sure a dragon could comfortably walk through these! I leaned over to mason and whispered, "Do you think their compensating for something?" I thought I heard the door guards snicker, but I'm sure I didn't. Pushing open the doors, we saw on the throne, the luminescent white coat and yellow stained ass of sunbutt. She seemed to notice us and glared. "Your highness, Prime Minister." I nodded, and mason gave a half-bow. "Your early."

"we didn't get a time."

"Actually, we did. I just didn't know how long it would take to get here." Ah, that makes sense. "So, just you today? Not your sister?" Celestias glare deepened.

"I doubt she would enjoy seeing you again." Touchy.

"She's a princess, she doesn't have to like us. Its her job"

"You are a guest here, you will not make demands of us." I just held up my hands.

"I demand nothing."

"Could we at least get chairs?" We both just stared at mason, I snapped my fingers and pointed to the far wall.

"Corner, now." I think I deserved that one finger salute.

In the midst of another glaring contest, the doors slammed open and some heavy steps came in. "PRINCESS. WHY YOU CALL US HERE. WHAT IMPORTANT."

"Yaks, really?"

"Shut up and just watch"

Fuck.

"WHAT THIS THING? WHY METAL THING HERE?" Weighing my options, I spoke,

"Ahem, METAL THING, CRYSTAL DIPLOMAT, HERE FOR TALK" Please don't end like luna, Please don't end like luna, Please don't end like luna.

"METAL THING NO TALK PERFECT LIKE YAKISTAN, MAKE US ANGRY!" The yaks just started rampaging around the throne room. I looked back to Celestia, who looks more disappointed in me than anything else. I walked up to her and whispered,

"You are my adversary, don't expect any better from me until this blows over." She glared at me.

"Fine," Her glare turned into a smirk... I don't like that smirk, "Two can play at that game." I nodded.

"MAKE THAT FOUR!" We turned to the corner where mason was leaning, where mason and, luna? when did she get here? were sitting. "You forget, I can read lips!" We just stared at them. Soon after, the doors slammed open again, I turned to celestia.

"Seriously, what is with people and slamming your doors?"

"Don't ask" And through came a minotaur in a fancy tie.

"Iron Will's the name, Diplomacy is my game" He gave a thumbs up to a wall where no one was.

"WAIT! I thought training ponies was your game?" Really mason?

"Yes, well, its uh, Never mind that! Iron Will's here to represent Iron will's home!" I turned to celestia, and while staring her in the eyes, moved my hand to slap my face. We waited anther hour before a guard came in with a letter. Apparently, the Zebra's couldn't make it, and the dragons couldn't be bothered to show up. Typical dragons.

We all sat down at another round table, I shall call this the table of friendship 2: the ripoffening, Celestia and I were sitting on opposite ends of the table, mason and luna sat to the left, playing cards, and the minotaur to the right, straightening his tie and flexing his muscles; and finally the ya- "WHY THESE PONY CHAIRS SO SMALL!"

"Just sit down damnit." we all say simultaneously.

"So, I assume we all know why we are here?" Iron will and the yaks muttered something that sounded like an agreement. I would say something when I felt mason kick me and say telepathically,

"The video" Ah, right. gotcha. I stood up,

"Actually, I would like to begin the discussions with a video, to relax the nerves and sooth the mind." Celestia and luna looked confused, but Iron Will and the Yaks agreed. "Please look at that wall" I then projected the video from my helmet.

"PONIES OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE! I GIVE YOU ONE CHOICE, SIDE WITH THESE USERPERS, AND BE DECLARED ENEMIES OF THE EMPIRE. OR SIDE WITH US, YOUR RULERS AND SAVIORS FROM SOMBRA, HELP TO TAKE BACK YOUR HOME! After several minutes of emptiness, and a tumbleweed rolling passed, "WOW, YOU ALL ARE JACKASSES. AT LEAST WAVE YOUR HOOF IF YOU SUPPORT ME!", at that moment, every hoof in the empire was stuck out the windows, and waved.

"Wow, Iron Will feels bad for you."

"in other words, give up or die. I give you to the count of three to march back to your room, or else!" I yell pointing to the doors. Luna's face alone was priceless. "ONE" They took a step back from the intensity of my voice. "Two" Celestia hardened her face. "Three" ... and luna bolted to the door.

"Why did you have to show that" Luna had her head in her hooves, as red as the video. Mason put a hand on her back.

"So, whats going to happen now?" Oh, yea, make that six of us. The princesses perked up at his voice.

"He is still technically dead."

"Who is?" Celestia just shook her head and sighed.

"All present at this table, say aye, or something." I say as I glared at celestia. I will not forget what you've done.

"Aye, or something" I reached over and hit mason on the backside of his head, "ow fucker."

"Aye." Luna didn't have as much conviction as she did last time, still with some sparks jumping out of her mane.

"Here" Cadence spoke next, still wearing a blanket. I glared at Celestia, daring her to do it again.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Present" My fist smashed the table in front of me, "... I meant aye." she quietly muttered

"Please don't show any more" Wait, Does this count as Celestia begging? Masons face went deadpan again.

"If you'll excuse me." And he left. I took off my helmet an kept it projecting before leaving myself... and watching from a crack in the door.

"Time for the personal punishment." Luna looked nervous, whereas celestia continued to look indignant.

""Oh no.""

When the video ended we walked back in, well, I walked in; mason, took a few more minutes. All focus was on the yaks, who haven't reacted yet, "Wow, you are all assholes." Just about every jaw in the room dropped to the ground. I turned to mason,

"I expected this," turning back to the group, "I think now is a good time to get back to discussions." Lunas head was firmly on the table, and celestia just looked defeated. I win, so what is this? 11 to 1?

"R-right." Celestia sat back up, "We are here to discuss you forceful annexation of the gryphon lands, an Equestrian Protectorate."

"I call bullshit!"

"HEY! Don't talk about Iron Wills feces like that!"

"I apologize, I did not mean yours, its just a saying. Either way, the gryphon lands was not, is not, and never will be an Equestrian protectorate. Secondly, I was there to establish a trade agreement with them."

"And yet, you found the idol of boreus, which was said to reside in the abysmal abyss, so, why were you in that abyss?"

"YES, WHY WAS METAL THING IN ABYSS! HOLE IN GROUND IS NO PLACE TO BE!" 11 to 2, fuck you and your smug face celestia.

"...To unite the gryphons with the idol."

"So, you went for trade, and knowingly went to find this idol, is Iron Will right?"

"Yes, it was the best way to get them to listen, else they would have ignored me."

"Thou art hard to ignore"

"...They did..." mason slammed his head on the table. "...I have it recorded..." He slammed his head on the table.

"So, ignoring the prime minister..." You bastard, "What was the point of this again?"

"stress relief Ahem, it was about the crystal Empires blatant land grabbing."

"How is this land grabbing? do you want us to annex them?"

"Well, um, what I want is not important."

"THOU CHEATS!" what now...

"Mason stop cheating"

"I'm not, she doesn't understand the rules." I now wish to conjoin my face with the implement used to hold objects.

"LIZARD CREATURE PLAYS CARD! WHY NOT INVITE US!"

"...want to join?"

"...Alright, we all know this is between me and celestia, just go for it, mom and dad are talking." They all left for another room with the deck, and I turned my attention back to celestia. "So, stress relief huh?"

"You heard that."

"I got good hearing"

"..."

"Look, we both want peace, but the way we want it is so very different. We need to talk this out, good guy Jesus style."

"Good guy who?"

"Never mind. So, can we at least put this... petty squabble behind us?" I saw her visibly flinch, poor choice of words.

"Well, very well. For the good of our citizens after all." She held up her hoof, "But this was a stalemate."

"nine in my favor princess" I say as I shook her hoof. Yes it felt as awkward as it sounded. Wait a minute,

"Wait a minute, We let mason wander the castle alone!"

"He isn't THAT bad, is he?"

"..."

"I see, lets go."

Without a shadow of a doubt...

"Please get off my back."

"I'm sorry, it was instinctual." I hopped off, I don't know what possessed me to do that, but it just felt right. Now if only she still had her armor... and a lance...

"So, where do you think he went?" I went right, because left is wrong. "Also, you don't really think he would do anything TOO bad do you?" Its not him I'm worried about... "Are you sure your just a prime minister? You seem to be acting more like a ruler that he has."

"He's more of a figurehead right now" I wonder how the empire is holding out?

"You got any threes?"

"Go fish... slave"

"Did they really leave us behind with this... thing?"

"I take offense to that! Those bastards couldn't run my country even if I was there to assist them!"

You know, I really hate sombra right now, and I don't know why. "Found them." Celestia abruptly stopped, causing me to run into her and stumble backwards.

"What, where?"

"Down there!" She pointed to the courtyard before flying down. I jumped off the edge.

"So, you cause any trouble?"

"No" Something about the way he said it...

"You sure?"

"...Yes?"

"Reeeeeeeally sure?"

"Yes."

"Suuuuuuuper sure?"

"GET OUT OF MY FACE!" I pinned him against the wall,

"What did you do, I know you did something." He disappeared in a vortex, forgot about that, and I fell into the wall while he ran away behind me. I then shot at his legs, and missed every shot... stupid legs. Celestia walked up behind me,

"Did he do something?"

"Yep."

"Are you going to go after him?"

"No, too much trouble."

"You sure?"

"Very."

"Because, he's coming back." Wait, what? I looked back to see mason jogging back. I moved to intercept him, when he ran past me, picked up luna, and ran back in the direction he came from.

"REALLY?! Did that actually just happen?" Mason called from the distance,

"I lost a bet." That little... I looked to celestia "Well, not just my problem now" She sighed.

"Hop on" I did,

"FORWARD, FULL SPEED, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!"

"Don't make me drop you" ...

"Just go."

The Chase of Canterlot, as the guards called it, was an event that was spoken of through the ages, and so well enjoyed by both pony and minotaur cultures, that it is reenacted every year on that date.

"MASON! I will gut you when I get my hands on you!"

"FASTER KNAVE, THEY GANE!"

"Would you like to run, your highness?"

"...no"

"Celestia, quickly, we almost have the mongrols!" I yelled throwing a spear I took from a guard.

"It has been a millennium since I last ran this fast, let us keep up the chase!" She slightly ran faster.

"Don't push yourself too hard old-timer" She gave a small kick.

"That is not a very noble thing to say to a lady!"

"...Your a lady?" She ran past a low hanging chandelier.

"Malcus ykfy wahl din! Stop chasing me!"

"Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A blue bolt of magic whizzed past my head. I started grabbing random things and threw them at him. A few things were thrown at us too, I caught the first one,

"AH! METAL THING! WHY LARGE LIZARD THROW YAK?!"

"I apologize" I say... before I threw him back.

"ENOUGH!" We all magically froze. "I am so so sorry princess, but ALL OF YOU ARE ACTING LIKE CHILDREN!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What?" we all said simultaneously.

"This uh, this is... ah fuck it, I got nothing." I looked at mason,

"I was just fulfilling my side of the contract." He looked at celestia,

"Well, I'm sure if we ask my sister, we'll know what's going on." We all stared at luna,

"... HE CHEATS!"

"I DO NOT!" suddenly all our mouths disappeared. damn you, twilight.

"Again, I am so sorry princess, but I am disappointed in all of you! You are all soverign leaders, and your running around the castle like, like, MADPONIES! Ugh!" she unfroze us and stomped away

"ME MNND MR MTHS MAK!" When our mouths came back, we all looked at each other.

"You started it." We said simultaneously. Wow, three fully grown adults and one man baby running around, arguing like children.

"Fuck you Kenny"

"What the hell for?"

"You know what you did."

"No I don't man baby" Mason tackled me... out of a window.

To Light a Candle, is to Cast a Shadow

Ten seconds. A fall, for ten seconds. A ten second drop, as it were. However you slice it, we fell, struggling, for ten seconds before we hit the ground. Mason, you are an idiot. The fall didn't hurt, mason landing on me didn't hurt; no, what hurt, was my pride. How the hell did you take me by surprise! "You sir, are an idiot."

"Am I?" He stayed there.

"Yes, I could have landed on you."

"But you didn't"

"True" Really getting uncomfortable now. I reached up, and tried to shove him off of me... He didn't move. I raised my eyebrow at that, "Oh, when did you get this heavy?" At this point, mason just looked down and laughed.

"Oh, predictable Kenny, will you ever learn..." I set my suit to full alert.

"Uh huh." I narrowed my eyes.

"You mortals are all alike." I moved to punch him off... when he caught my fist. Not again... "So you DO remember me."

"How could I forget your ugly mug."

"Spoken like a *fool.***"

"The correct term is idiot. And there is one thing you should know about idiots moldy balls." He cocked his head, "Its that idiots, don't know how to die." He laughed.

"But you forget, even a dog can learn a trick or two." He started to bend my hand backwards.

"Oh, so you can learn a trick or two?" He leaned his face close to mine and whispered,

"Yes, but why would I need to, I already know kill."

"Well then, perhaps I can teach you to... play dead"

"Big talk from someone so small."

"Size doesn't matter, it is how you use it."

"Truly? Doest thou have a mental impairment?" Not. Now. Luna. Seriously, how old are you?

"... A shame, I was hoping to put this confrontation off until later." What?

"Doest there be something that we are not getting? What had occurred with thy voice, emperor?"

"The Emperor has two different minds that inhabit that body. One does not belong there, the other, kind of a dick." She looked confused, then horrified, then angry. Molag turned to me again.

"You are becoming a pain in my side, yet again."

"And you, mine." He turned back to luna,

"Be a dear, and run to your sister. I'll find you when I'm done here." Now is my chance, I could get the upper hand with him distracted. Just don't do anything stupid, luna. What happens next is up to you.

"FOWLEST CREATURE! RELEASE THY GRIP UPON OUR FRIEND, OR FACE OUR WRATH!" ... or you could do that. If I could move my arm right now... You and I are having some words later. Molag raised his head towards the sky and let loose a laugh.

So, you wish to play with the big kids eh? Well so be it." AllDietiesDamnit luna. With molag distracted, I used my other arm and let fly a swift punch to his head... which was also caught. SERIOUSLY!

"Don't think I have forgotten about you." I fired my shoulder cannon at him, which missed. Typical. Just take me now, death. Molag stood up, dragging me to my knees, before throwing me at luna at nearly twenty miles per hour. I hit the wall. Fucking, typical. I dislodged myself from the wall and saw luna fighting molag. Are you suicidal luna? I couldn't fire, I might hit her. Tsk tsk tsk, must I do everything? I gathered my breath, turned on my speaker, and yelled,

"CELESTIA! YOUR SISTER IS IN TROUBLE! AGAIN!" At that moment, the Equestrian military swarmed out of everywhere, followed by it getting really hot, and a ball of fire struck molag. Celestia landed beside me with her horn glowing like the sun, before taking off again and blasting another beam. "Took long enough."

"ENOUGH!" and with that, everyone was blown away, except for me. Celestia flew past me and broke through a window, and luna fell beside me, her back bent wrong. Welp, time for survival plan 11B, unfortunately, I have neither a bulldozer, nor grif, so I must do with plan 1. I turned to a guard that was getting up.

"You evacuate everyone to the crystal empire, they will be safe there." "Everyone?" "Everyone."

Well, best case scenario; I jack a bunch of Equestrian citizens. Worst case; I die or I'm the last survivor. Chances of success: 3.78% With the possibility of painful death. Time to make Kratos proud. Time to turn into a campione. Time to kick ass and kick ass, and I'm all out of kick ass. Time to stop with this nonsense. I aimed all my weapons at him, missiles, cannons, everything; and opened fire. He stood still, and then the shots hit, I continued to fire until my munitions ran out. When the smoke cleared, there he was, behind a clear bluish field of some kind... oh who am I kidding, I know what that is. ITS A FUCKING CHEATING SHEILD! I call absolute bullshit! Molag then charged me. I dodged to the side, and he kneed me just above the belt. Glad to see he still fights fair. There was then a heavy hit to the back of my helmet, which I am pretty sure bent after that, and I fell forward, and rolled away. This isn't working, I need to change up my strategy, if I could get that mace away from him...

(+1 Intellect)

I then aimed and fired what I could at his weapon arm, which he proceeded to put up his bullshit shield again. Fuck that thing. "So the mighty has fallen, and here I thought you would be a threat. I guess I have had enough fun for now." He put his mace on his hip and then raised that same arm and pointed it at me. Damn it, the shield is still up. I need to move. So I did... or at least, I tried. Looking down, there was some kind of, something keeping me from moving my legs... and arms. Now this is just cheating. I charged my chest cannon, but before I fired it,

"Hasta la vista, baby." ...I can NOT believe I just said that, I should have just fired. Speaking of which, I fired. Predictably, he stepped out of the way. OK! SCREW YOU! The stupidity just doomed me.

"So, the old dog CAN learn new tricks after all."

"...I really can not believe I said that I should ha-" I was cut off by a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. I felt a liquid run down inside my armor. I looked down, and saw the end of a crimson sword sticking out at the gap of my armor, just under the chest armor. Smart bugger.

"I would love to stay, but it would seem my next confrontation just found her way to me." Her? Turning what I could around I saw celestia limping out. The WORST POSSIBLE TIME! Molag stuck his hand towards her, and I saw her fall with some kind of glowing... thing, in her side. Well. fuck. I felt the sword in my abdomen twist, before being pulled out. I am going to die. But I will not go alone. If I could only move.

I am... not sure what happened after that.

Absolute Pure Unadulterated Bullshit

A large bang was heard, probably throughout the empire. I open my eyes groggily, and saw many crystals lining the ground where I lay. As the memories came flooding back, I picked myself up and looked back to the giant sized hole in the wall. I need to figure this machine out, even if I have to push random buttons to do so. "All alive, sound off" I say half joking half serious.

"Four, drill sergeant!" Mason's ok... smartass. And he still has his mouth, too bad.

"Five, drill sergeant!" Stoic defender's ok too... wait, when did he get here? Damn you, mason. There were coughs throughout the room. I could see some purple mist shifting away all the smoke in the room, probably masons doing.

"Can anyone explain to me what happened, besides the obvious"

"I might have an idea, meet me back in the throne room when this is all over!" I heard mason yell from across the room. I walked into the room to be sure that the 'ambassadors' are ok. Moving to a large pile of rubble, I start to dig them away until I see a pink shield. Looking through, I saw the white coated, blue mane unicorn, shining armor, struggling to keep up the shield. It seemed like his backside twisted the wrong way, and scratches all over the rest of them.  I continued to shovel the rubble away, while mason was moving the unconscious survivors out of the room, at least, I hope they are survivors. First thing first, medical attention first, then getting them away.

"Took long enough for you to get here" So this is why he is shining plothole.

"Sorry, I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque " Joking in a stressful situation, such compensation. he just grunted in response.

"My brothers hurt" the purple unicorn, twilight began, "He needs help!"

"I'm on it" I turned my attention to the medical ponies, damn this vocabulary, in the room, "We need a stretcher over here!" Mason better have a good explanation.

After that whole mess was taken care of, I 'walked' quickly to the throne room. Mason was up to his neck in ponies, both reporters and others. Not like an explosion not be noticed, but damn, reporters are quick.

"HAHA, yes my reporter children, I grant you speed to annoy them more! HAHA!"  -Deity of reporters, 2015

Well, its not like it can get any - NOPE! I did not just think that. I went over to try to help mason when I heard a distinct sound, very similar to that of a knife being pulled out of flesh. Looking over I saw mason holding above his head, a black crystal... dripping with blackish purple blood. "Your concerns have been heard, for the time being, we have this situation under control. Please head back to your homes." Well, this is defiantly going to put the empire on red alert, Defcon 1. leaning out the balcony, I yelled.

"RED ALERT! All guards prepare for Defcon 1!" Satisfied with my efforts that I can say that once in my life, I see mason, still dripping blood from his arm. "I hate my life right now."

"I hate your life too." we're in agreement then.

"Doesn't that hurt?" I point to his arm.

"Not important right now." Bullshit.

"I'd rather you not bleed out on me."

"Then get some gauze, I don't care. we have bigger fish to fry." After that issue, he sat down and pulled out a roll of paper. "This, is what I think is going on." he says as he hands the paper to me.

"I cant read words that small" He points to my shrink device.

After several hours of fiddling with this device, I finally got it to shrink. At least nothing happened during this time.

"Your actually making me do this."

"Yes, this needs to be done some time."

"But now?"

"No one is going to attack us"

"yea, after all, the worst villain they ever had was sombra."

"Yea, a shadow"

"I can still hear you, you know!"

"Shut up, sombra"

Once more, he handed me the paper, and it, was strange. all it said was "We know. hand over the empire, or suffer" Followed by a red, four pointed star bellow it. Dumbass wannabe terrorists, it is then. I mentally sigh, I really hate my life.

"C-can I see?" I turn my head and saw Shining star trying looking at the paper. I held it out to her. after a few seconds she squeaked and held her hooves to her muzzle.

"Want to tell me what's going on?" I say as I tilt my head.

"Yes, what is going on?" a voice says from the doors.

"This does not concern you Cadenza, I recommend you return to your room. The empire is on red alert." Mason said with annoyance in his voice. The pink alicorn merely stomped her hoof and continued.

"After what happened, of course it concerns me!" I looked to mason, and he got the message.

"Fine, but you will not breathe a word of this to anyone." She huffed but came closer all the same. when she came to me, she looked confused, and turned back to mason.

"Mr. Iron man had kids?" Face meet wall. Mason laughed and dismissed this, thankfully.

"Now, Miss star, is there something you would like to say?" His voice adopting the second, darker, more menacing tone more.

"L-l-l-look, I-I-I S-Swear I-It wasn't M-m-me."

"If your not, I suspect you have something to prove it?" Mason said, his voice turning hostile. Cadence was starting to look uncomfortable around mason, and moved to place me between him and her.

"I-I-Its just, t-t-that note."

"Yes?"

"I-I-it has my f-families c-crest on it!" At that she broke down blubbering about how it wasn't her. Took it a bit too far mason?

"Wow, and I thought I was bad. At least I never made such a Beautiful mare cry." Sombra said through the crystal.

"Sombra, your a shitty villain!" I say deadpan while trying to reach the crystal, as mason pulled it away. At this point, despite all that happened, cadence was trying to reassure shinning star, while I turned my attention to mason. "Five bucks says that bomb was meant to kill me."

"Could be, Miss stars family is a noble house, they came to me not long before the equestrians did. All they complained about was your economic system... and taxes. When I refused to change it, the quickly turned to racism, and I had the guards escort them out." He turned his attention back to cadence, his voice shifting to the more mellow first tone. "How is Miss star, anyway?"

"She'll be fine, I calmed her down." of course she did.