Teaching Lies

by Caffeinated Pinkie

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cheerilee, Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2407

I was just a regular girl. A stable job, good friends, and a prestigious education. I had my whole future planned out, except for the part where I turned into a fuchsia pony.

When did I go wrong? Well, first it was probably talking to that wizard. And by talking I mean insulting his dress. After that, everything just went downhill. Now I'm a fuchsia pony with an affinity for teaching pesky little kids. Hopefully I can get home before I get a migraine.

Inspired by My Twilight Facade
Thanks to axelsempai for allowing me to use his wizard. And also to my coffee machine for keeping my chapters coming.

Published 2015-08-19 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-22 20:53:25 UTC

I'm a... Pony?

I was walking through an electronics store looking for the customer service desk when I saw an old guy manning the desk. He wore a grey cloak and a pointy wizard hat that would be seen on Merlin or Gandolf. Astoundingly, he also sported a snowy white beard that could almost drag against the floor and was spouting a bunch of crap about selling 'runes'. I had to go there anyways so I decided to engage him in pleasant conversation.

"Nice dress," I said while looking his clothing up and down.

The wizard looked at me in confusion, "Dress? Dress?! I am wearing a cloak. One that was passed down from my father before he passed away."

"Whoa, dude! Calm down. I just need you to fix my computer and I'll be on my way... with magic!" I broke into a fit of laughter at the insulted look on his face. Unfortunately, that only caused the strange man to start waving his arms around like a madman and shouting various obscenities at me. I wasn't really paying attention as my gaze was focused on the growing intensity of the light emanating from his right fist.

"Hey, man, what's going on with y-" I was cut off by a glowing white fist punching right through my skin as everything went black.

The wizard smiled contently at the spot the human was a second before. "First, the flea market and now here. I really have to find out what's so funny about my clothing."

I moaned slightly as I felt consciousness returning. My whole body felt heavy. Even more reason to go back to sleep. The bed I was on was unnaturally comfortable and... fluffy. And that's why it would be great to go back to sleep.

...

"Goddammit," I growled as I realized I wouldn't be getting back to sleep anytime soon. I lazily opened my eyes to take in the bland drywall across from my bed. I slowly looked around the naturally lit room. The unfamiliar light pink walls and magenta ceiling. A nice mural of smiling flowers painted the door and a paper covered desk stood next to the bed. My adorable fuchsia fur went... well... with... My mind suddenly snapped wide awake as I stared fearfully at my horrifying fuchsia fur.

"What- I- Huh- WHAT?!" I quickly jumped off the bed only to land face first on the hard wood floor. I need a mirror. I need a mirror. I need a mirror... I continued my rant as a scrambled around the room with my strange new limbs. I had almost reached the door when it viciously swung open, throwing me across the room.

"Cheery?!" Another horse with an identical fur color to mine burst into the room and looked around frantically before spotting me, "Oh, Cheery, I'm so glad you're okay. What happened? I heard a crash and came up here as fast as I could!"

The strange mare stared at me expectantly, obviously expecting an answer. One that I did not have. So I decided to just bullshit my way through it. "Uh ... I'm okay? I just was doing ... um ... horse things... and I, err, practiced...falling out of bed?" I gave my best 'winner' smile hoping that all those years of being a lawyer improved my lying.

The other horse looked a little unsure, but seemed to accept my explanation. "Uh-huh. If you say so. Well, I have to go get my stuff and go to work. See you later." She closed the door with a slight slam and quiet clip-clops could be heard leaving the room. Once I felt she was far enough I began to panic once more.

Why am I a horse? Did I die? I remember that jackass punching through my skin, but nothing else. Oh jeez, am I dead? No, no, no, no, no... I can't be dead! I was too young! No, I can't just assume that. Either I'm dreaming which this is far too vivid to be or... This is real. I nervously glanced around the room for anything that can help. So this is either some drug, dream or afterlife, or it's real. I'll operate under the assumption that it is real. But how did I get here? It definitely had something to with the wizard dude. If this is real, then what exactly did he do to me? I doubt he killed me, so did he cast a spell on me? Pfft. There's no such thing as magic! But right now, I can't draw upon anymore conclusive possibilities. Wait, the mare called me Cheery! Did I replace someone? Oh, great, I think I did. So that's my name? Or a nickname...? Or something completely unrelated to my name? I let out a growl of irritation.

"So what am I supposed to do now? I could tell someone, but I don't want to be locked up in an asylum. Who would believe me anyways? So I guess I have to try to figure this out myself," I said to no one in particular. The first step was figuring out what I- Cheery does during the day. I looked carefully around the room for any obvious indicators, like a calendar for example. Unfortunately, nothing really jumped out as 'DO THIS'. Well there was the desk. I stumbled over to the seat and plopped my rear on the cushion.

Strewn across the table were various papers depicting what looked like hand written passages and formulas, albeit simple ones. But what really caught my eyes were the bright red symbols dotting certain papers. Things like 'A' or 'B-' or... Wait, these are homework assignments! Aw crap. Am I a teacher? Please tell me I'm not a teacher. I leafed through a few more papers before coming to a very unfortunate conclusion. I was a teacher.

Sighing in defeat, I noticed a calendar situated on the right of the desk. No reminders or events besides holidays seemed to be written, the only pen marks were red 'X's leading up to what I assume to be today. And today was... Tuesday.

...

TUESDAY?! "OH, SHIT! I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" I shouted as I scrambled up from the chair.

Author's Note

Boom, chapter one! Not the most entertaining, but it was just the introduction to the story. Next chapter is school. Get ready for a lot of awkwardness.

I'm a... Teacher?

And so I stumbled towards the front door with a half-baked idea that was currently forming in my head. I clumsily fumbled around with my hooves as I tried to turn the door knob.

"Why the hell are there knobs on doors for horses?" I grumbled to myself as my pathetic attempts to coerce the door into opening failed. Eventually I just slumped to the floor in defeat as the outside world remained out of reach. The decorated slab of wood covering the exit laughed at my uselessness.

"How dare you?! I'm not useless... You bitch," I shot back at the inanimate door. Ultimately, I only had one option left. Which I really didn't want to do. "Well, shit." With a sigh, I stretched my obscenely long neck to the door. I carefully placed my teeth down on the knob and slowly clamped dow-

"This is ridiculous," I said as I quickly turned the knob and opened the door. "Now to find the school."

--[Twenty Minutes of Stumbling Around Later]--

My teeth grit together as the seconds ticked away. It had been twenty minutes and I still couldn't find that damned school. By this time I generally had the hang of trotting around and not falling on my face every ten seconds. Unfortunately, this didn't include walking past rocks without tripping as the newly accumulated dirt in my mouth indicated. Before I could pull myself back up, a grey hoof extended itself into my vision.

"Hey, Cheerilee! Welcome to Ponyville, I'm your neighbor!" An energetic voice belonging presumably to the owner of the hoof said. I tentatively wrapped my leg around the hoof and allowed her to lift me up. When I finally got a look at my savior, though, I did a double take. Staring me in the face... somewhat was a wall-eyed mare with unruly blond hair, thick grey wings, and a tattoo of bubbles on her ass. What a strange but surprisingly common place for a tattoo. I had seen countless of similar creatures just going about their day, but this would be the first time I talked to one. A very important chance to learn more about my new species.

"Cheerilee?" I resisted the urge to smack myself in the face. What a stupid question.

The mare widened both of her eyes and quickly blushed in what I presumed to be embarrassment. "Is your name not Cheerilee? Oh, I really hope I didn't read your name wrong." She pulled out a slip of paper and read it out loud, "This is you from the past, Derpy. Make sure to give Cheerilee a greeting and a Welcome to Ponyville muffin basket..." The grey being before me seemed to think for a moment before suddenly becoming ecstatic.

"I just remembered to give you your Welcome to Ponyville muffin basket!" With a smile she handed- or hooved over a basket of muffins that she got out of seemingly nowhere. Seriously, where did she store this thing?! I tentatively reached out a cerise hoof and grabbed the present.

"So, uh, where is the school?" I cringed internally, hoping that wasn't super obvious.

But Derpy didn't seem to care as she pointed over two the left at a painfully stereotypical school building that I could swear wasn't there a second ago. With a quick goodbye, she took off with her tiny wings and flew off into the metaphorical sunset. I pulled out a bite-size muffin and plopped it into my mouth, taking in the surprisingly delicious taste for horse-muffins.

-[A Brisk Stumble to the School Later]--

"Well, I'm here, but I have no fucking idea where to go or what to teach," I stated as I stared at the painfully 'pretty' schoolhouse. Why the builders decided to throw hearts everywhere and expect it to look good eludes me. Or why they have horseshoes all over the place when not a single horse I've seen actual wears one... Well here goes nothing. With purpose in my stride, I advanced towards the surprisingly normal wooden door leading to my new job.

Luckily, I had confidence. I knew I could overtake everything. No matter what this school threw at me, I could handle it! I sped up as my vigor was renewed and threw open the door. I paused for a second and stared at my hoof. But I still managed to continue my gate into the room with dignity and gra-

THUD! "Shit," I muttered into the floor as I tripped over the doorstop. When I heard snickering, I raised up my front appendage to give the dickwad the universal fuck-off. But of course the ghost feeling of flipping someone off couldn't replace the satisfying of feeling of putting jerks in their rightful place. I miss fingers...

With a sigh, I yanked tired body off the ground and gave the students in the class a weary look. Great, kids. I instantly knew this was way out of my league.

"Hello, uh, foals?" When my new students refused to listen, I knew some drastic measures had to be taken. "ONE MILLION YEARS, DUNGEONS!" Gradually, the noise drew to a stop and I could finally think again. "You! The one with the obnoxiously large glasses and no soul," I tersely started pointing a hoof at a foal with curly red hair who began to nervously clear her throat, "Name and rank?!"

Gulping down her anxiety, the horse began to talk in a very strong lisp, "Uh, Twist?"

I stalked up to the target of my amusement and started talking in a deep voice, "That a question or and answer?"

"Answer?" She replied sweat rolling down her brow.

Leaning in closer, I turned my head so she could only see one eye, "Ya, sure about that?"

"Yes?" My victim squeaked as she leaned back in fear.

I maintained my scrutiny for a few seconds longer before breaking out into laughter. "I'm just screwing with you! Oh that was hilarious." Upon seeing the completely unamused faces of her classmates, besides a pink one weaning a tiara, I nervously cleared my throat. "Although, I should probably get all of your names. So why don't you all say your name in order?" They continued to stare at me with unblinking soul consuming eyes. I sighed and just pointed to a teal filly with gold curls.

"Sun Glimmer!"

"My name's Diamond Tiara."

"I only need your names, thank you very much."

"C-Clear glass, miss."

"I already got you, Plot Twist."

"My name-"

"I'm Apple Bloom!"

"Ruby Pinch."

"Archer!"

"Silver Spoon."

"Tootsie Flute..." As the last name was said, I realized something. There was no way in hell that I could remember all those. Oh, well, I'd better get on with the lesson.

"Ok, class. Let's start todays lesson." I paused as I read the agenda I picked up on the way out. "This morning we will be learning the extensive history of Equestria starting from the banishment of King Sombra." Suddenly, as the random noises my mouth was making reached my brain, I froze in place and my pupils dilated to mere pinpricks.

"Well, I'm fu- screwed."

Author's Note

Did you know that the orange filly with a magnifying glass cutie-mark doesn't exist anywhere except in
I looked in a lot of sources, but there is no reference of this pony or the cutie mark anywhere. AND I MEAN ANYWHERE!! So I made my own name. It may not be the best (Clear Glass), but if you have any better ideas, than comment them and I'll probably change it to any really up-voted ideas.

(I based the class order on that and this story takes place a few days before Boast Busters.)

It looks like our hero and local inter-dimensional dumbass is in quite the pickle. Make sure to comment below for ways she can get out of this mess which may or may not be incorporated into the story. (They wont.)